18 CHAPTER2 Remembering an Event Mork wort choices in descriptive and narrative + imipnession aud help to show why te event or perso” shows her feeling of shame vividly in this passage I, Isensed @ Jnundred patrs of eveS a 18) : ses mixed or arbivatent eeings and cues Jeelings Brandt reports: sawing of pout bow sly [I] had been” and 8 ie to the dominant os that contribute (0 passaSe "aint. For example, Brandt n was significl As the officers led me through the mi ‘me. My face flushed and I broke out jn a sweat: (P2 . + Consiler whether the story’s significance ‘stillunuesolved conflicts. For example, notice the see thought (par. 5). feelings: Twas Right after shoplifting, Brandt tells us * that “I felt proud of [my] accomplishment” Jedges mixed f exciting. «+ her that Brandt [et to tears” (26). ageing scarched, although raving fun” (19): After she is arrested, she acknow! her intense feelings ~ embarrassing, somehow seemed to be Its only when she has to face her mou ght, | was close show: "For the first time that nig] [At the end, however, by transferring the blame from Brandt to the police her father seems to leave the conflict essentially unresolved and repressed: “Although | Hare i yaveribe forgten;vhe incidentiwas ot mentlonee! $20 (38). Readings : } Jean Brandt | Calling Home : a Ava into college student, Jan Brandt wte oor memorable event thot occured Ae Li hsb and was aogh. As yo read about Brand expe a ant to Unk abot thse hoping rls (anelsle Because the ea eau, ba no necesaiy ho shoplifting According, (0 the aaa ae eos for Sholiing Prevention (NASD), shopliting i prety qual among, genders, scioceonomic classes, and ethnicities, and contrary to expectation, only about ene ot opis re hid, tenagets oplitingprevention.org); Chaistas Season is a peak shoplifting period; some shoplifters report a “high” after getting away with ‘Canin se pene, nd sty ated to pew presre ad what lien called “consumner culture," the ideology that buying things brings intangibles Fgpptness satus ently, belonging i nitangbles ke ; BPS you at fe si + consider which, if any, of this informatio ee ee sy teu abi ee Cee a ee ee thal ee nae ae caeaing Uns ‘Wor 0 she does, given'that'she was writi n 7 was writing for ee gear 18 for her instructor and classinates. BP ower te gonial confit + answer the questions in the margins, Your ins Sere ervicance of hor 3107? answers t0 a class blog or discussion board or vent and in presenting it a5 tructor inay ask you to post yout bring yc ing your responses to class.Brandt Calling Home A ey ce the car, I knew it was going to be a fabulous day. My ee ee for the holidays; and she and 1, along with v7y older brother ei ae van were setting off for 2 day of last-minute Christmas eenlk 2 0 ; 1 mall, we sang Christmas carols chattered, and laughed. ee - : lays amay, we were caught up with holiday spirit I felt joy. I loved shopping — especially at Christmas The shopping center was swarming with frantic last-minute shoppers lke fe, It carried mostly knickknacks ars old ourselves. We went first to the General Store, my favorit and other useless items which nobody needs but buys anyway. 1 was thirteen Ye atthe time, and things like buttons and calendars and posters would catch my fancy. This day was no different. The object of my desire was @ 75-cent Sn00PY button. Sioopy it, you were “in.” But since was the latest. If you owned anything with the Peanuts on 1 was supposed to be shopping for gifts for other people an decide what to do. I went in search of my sister for her opinion 1 pushed my way store where I found Susan. I asked her id not myself, 1 coulda’t through throngs of people to the back of the she thought I should buy the button. She sai 1d it was cute and if I, wanted it to 90 ahead and buy it. the lines atthe cashiers rth less than one dollar. p it when vwihen I got back to the Snoopy section, took one look at sto buy an item wor ‘and knew I didn't want to wait thirty minutes 4 back to the basket where I had found the button and was about to dro ick glance arouns pocket of my sweatshirt ‘but once the item was in my 19; but what was done was done. A few did you decide to buy the button?” I walke suddenly, instead, took 2 4 sipped the button into the hesitated for 2 momen! Thad never before stolen anythin .d and asked, “SO. didn’t quaver. As we headed for the that store. Only a few 4, assured myself no one could see, and pocket, there was no turning back. later, my sister appeare T hoped my voice an to race. 1 just had to get out of fe. fs we crossed the threshold, I heaved a sigh of ‘ow sly I had been and I felt proud of my seconds l no, I guess not.” my heart begs yo and I'd be sal I thought about h entrance, more yards £0 5 relief, 1 was home free accomplishment. : ‘an unexpected tap 07 TY shoulder startled me. I whirled around to fad treet dates, ashing some type of bade ‘and politely asking middle-aged man, oressed j “GUIDE TO READING Gite ro weer pene AT WORK FIRING CRITICALLY ‘AWell-Told Story 19 _. Basic Features | t } ‘vid Description gua a How well do those esenptive detaits help you wsualize the scene? wat Is your first jession of Brandt? ‘ How do these action verbs | ‘ (hightighted) and dialogue 5 + contribute to the drama?26 For more abra deceriting sreategies CHAPTER 2 Remembering an Event ‘ Chapser 15, Telling + Shovling Brandt names a familiar location for readers. She selects details carefully to conjure 3 Specific image of that shopping center before Christmas. Perhaps most evocatively, she uses « metaphor to compare the shopping mall to “wating” beehive, a com, Parison that reintorces the Image of “frantic” shoppers in a place teetning, with hur tied, excited people Describing strategies, like Brandt's, not only help readers imagine the scene ang People at a particular place and time; they also contribute to the dominant impression, ‘The description evokes Brandt’s youthful excitement, suggests the crowds and chaos, that motivated Brandt to pocket the button, and it foreshadows the swarm of intense and conflicted feelings Brandt expericrices as the story unfolds. C7 A Write a paragraph analyzing Dillard's use of naming, detailing, and comparing to help read- 8 visualize the man who chased her and to ereato a dominan! impression: 5B Skim paragraphs 9-10 and 16-21, highlighting Dillard's use of naming, dealing, and comparing to describe the man, i Dillard's description of the man is spare, kinds of details does Dillard focus on an: is he? Where does he come fram? Why with only a few carefully chosen details. Wnat 1 what do they suggest about the man? Who would he bother to chase the kids? Ey Notice the repetition of the ward norma in paragraphs 10 and 20. What about the man makes him seem like a “normal adult” and what makes him seem anything but normal? How does Dillard help the reader reconcile thase contrasting images to form a dominant impression? AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SIGNIFICANCE’ SHOWING AND TELLING Writers use both showing and telling to convey the autobiographical significance of the event, what it meant at the ime and why it continues to be memorable, As You've seen, showing, in narrating the story and in describing people and places, not only helps make the writing vivid, but also creates a dominant impression, How ever, showing alone cannot help readers fully grasp an event's significance. Readed also need telling, the writer’s explicit comments and reflections, In this exampie, Brandt uses showing and telling to give readers a clea understanding of how she fel at the time: As the officers led me through the mall, sensed a hundeed paits of eyes staring at ‘me. My lace flushed and | broke out in a sweat. Now everyone knew I was a ena ~The humiliation at that moment was overwhelming. I felt like Hester Prynne being put on public display for everyone to ridicule. (pat, 18) Nattators may use telling to atticulate remembered feeli the time the event occurred and to present Perspective on the feels and thinks now, looking back on it after time has passed, To alert readers that they are telling, writers sometimes announce their reflection with words like felt and thought, But the ¥ ¥ may also choose words that name or imp) 88 and thoughts from event—what the write‘GUIDE TO READING GUIDE TO WRITING a AWRITER AT WORK THINKIN CRITICALLY Desmond-Harris Tupac and My Nén-thug Life “particular emotion or thought (for example, “The huiiliation ar that moment was 2 overwhelming” [Brandt, 18)). ‘Similarly, to signal a shift from the past to the present perspective, writers some- times announce the transition with words such as then and now. But a more subtle strategy is to use sophisticated word choices that show a déeper, more mature under- Handing of the experience (for example, when Brandt compares herself'to Hester prynne, from Nathaniel Hawthorne's novel The Scarlet Letter, “being put on public display for everyone to ridicule” (par. 18)). [auaLyze & wrin ito a paragraph analyzing Dillard's use of telling to convey the event's significance: Id Skim paragraphs 11-21, noting where Dillard tes readers her thoughts and feelings. {Don't feel you have to mark every instance, but try to get a sense of how much she tells as well as what she tells readers.) . 1 Review what you have highlighted to determine which of the passages indicate Dillard's remembered thoughts and feelings from the time the incident occurred and tatigh indicate what sho thinks and feels now looking back on the event from her present adult perspective, How can you tel the difference between her past and prasent perspectives? Consider possible topics: Remembering unexpected adult [nespono actions and reactions. Like Dillard, you could write about a time when an adult did something entirely un- expected during your childhood —an, action that seemed dangerous or threatening to you, or something humorous, kind, or generous. Consider unpredictable actions of adults in your immediate or extended family, adults you had come ta know outside your family, and strangers. As you consider these possible topics, think about your purpose and audience: What would you want your instructor and classmates to learn from reading about this event? Jenée Desmond-Harris | Tupac and My Non-thug Life JENEE DESMOND-HARRIS is the race, law, and-politics reporter at Vox.com. Before that she was White House correspondent and associate editor at The Root, an online magazine dedicated to African American news, social justice, and culture. A graduate of Howard Upiversity and Harvard Law School, Desmorid-Hartis has been a contributor to sich news outlels : as Time magazine, CNN, MSNBC, and the Huffington Post. The following selection was published In The Root in 2011, It chronicles Desmond- Harris's reaction to the murder of gangsta rap icon Tupac Shakur in a af Vegas drive-by shooting in 1996, Desmond-Harris mentions Tupac's 128 CHAPTER2 Femembering an Event Mother, Aten, a well as the “East Coast-vist Coast war*—the rivalry between Tupac vn the Notorious B1.G. (iggie Sinallsy, who 1 AAs you read, con, + What does the photo, * What docs fts Inclusion say about Desmondell self and the event she rece! red about Tupac’ death when L got home Write a paragraph analyzing the structure of Desmond-Hattis's story. SY Desmond-Harris could have built up to the surprising news of Tupac’s death, using it as the dramatic climax of her story. Why do you think she chose instead to ues he : death as the “inciting incident” with which to begin her story? t Et How does the opening paragraph shed light on the conflict at the heart of Desmond-Harris’s story? . &} What do the girs’ actions as they mourn Tupac's death (paragraphs 3-7).as well as theit actions later (paragraphs 10-12) suggest about how the inditing incident of Tupac's death led them to deal with the underlying contliot?CHAPTER 2 Remembering an Event . [nervecr] [awauree] Make connections: Searching for identity. Remembering high school, Desmond-Harris describes how students chose to group | themselves according to what she calls "a vague, lunchtime geography of race: White Kids perched on a sloping green lawn and the benches above it. Below, black kids sit on a wall outside the gym” (par. 10). : School, particularly: high school, is notorious for students! forming peer groups or cligues of various kinds—by ethnicity, gender, popularity, and so on, Recall the cliques in your own school and think about the roles they played, positive and nega- tive in the search for identity, Your instructor may ask you to post your thoughts to a class discussion board or blog, ar to discyss them with other students in class. Use these questions to get started: * Did you associate with any particular groups, and if so, why did you choose these groups? = How did being in a p: articular group or not being in that group affect your sense ._of yourself? * Why do you think it’ is important for her “coming-ofage journey” that Desmond-Harris felt that the group at the "bottom of the hill beckoned” (pat. 10)? the word beckoned hiere can be read in two ways: that she felt the need to be a part of the group or that members of the group invited her to join them. Consider how these possible interpretations affect your understanding of het remembered event. Use the basic features. \ A WELL-TOLD STORY: FINDING THE ARC OF THE STORY. a We have seen that the dramatic are (Fig. 2.1, p. 15) is often used to organize a remembered event narrative around a central conifict, arousing curiosity and suspense as It builds toward & climax or emotional high point before resolving the conflict or at {east bringing it to a'conclusion, This is basically the structure Brandt and Dillard use to” tell their stories. Writers, however, do not always follow this straightforward pattern They may emphasize certain elements of the art and downplay or even skip others. Sa Write a paragraph analyzing the structure of Desmond-Harris’s story, 5a Desmond-Harris coud have bult upto the surprising news of Tupac's death, using it as the dramatic climax of her story. Why do you think she chose instead to use his hhe_yeemed act like my ides of Jus gloves were missing teed those pte only contused “Maybe wey my mother sau. “Impossible, E qever pout gloves in the, partment, The glove compartment is for maps.” “Oh, well,” my mother sa He kept searching the front hall table, as if he had somehow overlooked them amid all the cheap imitation ismatched mittens and tasseled Bea thats, Fam certain the notion that one of ws had taken the gloves never crossed his inind Tounted by my gui, 3 frequent motivation fer my ral, Uwe tried to contort my thell into a Feather gloves, n fiction in story, a made-up story. In my failed attempts, the thief is always teying te sive the gloves back, In one abandoned version, Uke son Character (soineliines he’s a daughter) mails the gloves back Wu the father, along with 3 Forged letter, purportedly written by a long-deed friend of the, father, @ man the father had'once betrayed. 1 liked the idea of a package arriving, aggrieved ghost. returning cout of the blue, from your gloves, Hil, Now at least one of us may t “The prelein was that it pace of repainsibility ‘alhird party. And it snviddied the story by pulling the Unie! ‘out of the center of what Little action Uere was Ina simplee but equally bad version, the son chat- acter, home for Thanksgiving, slips the gloves back an the top lefl-hand drawer of the front hall table of the house he grew up in, the house where the father stil lives, This attempt was marzed not only by cooked-up dialogue but also by a dead end. ‘Dad! How about we take a walk by the lake?” “q's been yeurs, Son, Since We've taken a walk.” “Pretty brisk out: Maybe’you need your gloves?”34 CHAPTER 2 Remembering an Event ‘The moment arrives: the father slides open the Grawer, Voila! (Note the French.) Cut to the father’s face. Describe his bewilderment, 1 must have checked this, drawer a hundred thousand times. Decades drop from the father’s eyes, and both father and son face each other as they never faced each other when both were Years younger. {The son stammers out a confession 1 could somehow never get right. He tries to explain himself, but can’t, Why did he take the gloves? My char. acter could never express it in words and the story kept collapsing ‘THIS is where the truth of this always derails the fiction, \ can't give the gloves back, in fiction of in this thing we calf realityJI¢ did, Pd have to confront something I've known! all along but have never Wanted to express, event to myself alone. My father would have given me his jsloves. All | had to do was ask. He would have been so pleased th at for once we shared a common interest This happened so. few times In our lives. AI the years ve been trying to ; Is | write this, maybe I've always known that this eye sen tial fact would stick meh the heart. | Our imaginations sometimes fall us for & reason, Not because itis cathartic to tell the trith (1 finally ag my father last year) but hecause coming clean may bea better, if smaller, story. A scared (and angry) kid my off his father’s gloves, carries them around for decade, Sometimes he takes them out and feels them but never puts them on. When I sce my father these days, we graze each other's cheeks, a form of kissing ir. my fam. ily. [love my father. I suppose | did even then, in the Worst moments of fear Well-made things eventually deteriorate, The Hecm’y gloves are no longer baby-soft. All the handless. years hhave dried Uiemn up, {In 1982, my father wasn’t much older than I am at this moment. 1 think of him now, standing in the front hall, He's holding his hands up in the mirror, pullingon Ins beautiful gloves, a rare stillness on his face, a kind of hopeful calm, Was this what I wanted to steal? (nervecr] Making connections: Explaining yourself to yourself. In paragraph 21, Omer writes that he cannot “explain himself,” even to himself, Occasionally we do or say things for reasons we cannot fully understand or do not Want to admit to ourselves, Such memories canhaunt us. Think of something you did of said—or failed to do or say—that haunts you. It should be something you don't mind sharing with others because your instructor may ask you to post your thoughts toa class discussion board or blog, or to discuss them with other students in class. Use these questions to get started: A * What was the context in which the event occurred —who was involved, what did you think or feel at the time, what do you think or feel now looking back att? “ 2 * Looking back at the event, how do you see yourself—for example, as having had no choice, as reaching to something someone else did or said, as acting impul sively, o7 as something else? 4 * How do you think Orner sees himself? ° ; Use the basic features. [anavrze] . ‘A WELL-TOLD STORY: MAKING UP STORIES ie Orner tells us that he has tried repeatedly to write about defining—episode in (his) life” (par. 1). In his efforts What he calls “the nonfiction version” \ ‘this tiny—but weirdly souk to tell the story, Orner juxtaposes (2) and two fictional versions.49 ‘Summarize: Briefly describe the story's dominant impression, Himtenntwe gion. ee Praise: Give an example where the signifizance comes across effectively — for example, sire remembered letngs are expressed poignant, where the precent perspective aN sms insight/u, oF where the description creates a st inant impress clarifies the significance. ere | Critique: Tell the writer where the significance could be strengthened — for example, if the contict is too easily-resolved, if a moral seems tacked on at the end, orif more +: interesting meanings‘Could be drawn out of the experience. ’s concerns Before concluding your pcer review, be sure to address any of the writ that have not been discussed already. Making Comments Electronically Most word processing software offers features that allow you to insert comments directly into the text of someone else's document. Many readers prefer to make their comments this way because it tends to be faster than writing on hard copy, and space is virtually unlimited it also eliminates the pro- cess of deciphering handwritten comments. Where such features are not available, simply typing comments directly into a document in a contrasting color can provide - the same advantages. Improving the Draft: Revising, Editing, and Proofreading Start improving your draft by reflecting on what you have written thus far: '» Review comments from your classmates, instructor, or writing center tutor. What are your readers getting at? «Take another look at your notes and ideas. What else should you consider? = Review your draft. What else can you do to make your story compelling?50 CHAPTER? Remembering an Event Revise your draft. f the strategies lis Ifyour readers are having difficulty with your draft, Leben ae one the Troubleshooting Guide below. They can help you the genre’s basic features. | A TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE 1 SEELESHOOTING GUIDE ] My readers tel me thatthe story stats 100 slowly. * Ghorten the exposition, spread it out more within the story, or move it to a later part of the story. {Move a bit of dilogue or narrative action up front. * Start with something eurprising but ertical tothe story, My readers find the chronology confusing, + Add or change time transitions, * Look for inadvertent tense shifts and fix them. My readers feel that the suspense Slackens or that the story lacks drama, AWell-Told Story My readers find the conflict vague or unconnected, to the autobiographical significance. * Add remembered feelings or thoughts te StOgeSt multiple meanings, and cut those that don't clarify the Significance. f ‘+ Add your present implications, * Add dialogue or narrative action t6 Clarify the contict, Perspective to make the significance Clearer and bring out the‘amor v0. GuIe TO warTING st AWRUTERAT HORK {THUNIEING CRITIORLLY Improving the Draft My readers feel that the people in the story don't come alive. «+ Add details about distinctive physical features or mannefisms. ae, * Add speaker tags to the dialogue to characterize people and relationships. | 7 + Read your dialogue aloud, and revise to make the language more natural and appropriate to the person, p My readers have trouble visualizing the places | deseribe. _ Mivid Description ‘af People and ‘+ Name objects in the scene. Places + Add sensory details (colors, sounds, smells, textures). + Use a comparison — metaphor or simile — to evoke a particular mood or attitude + Add a visual —a photograph or other memora My readers feel that some descriptions weaken the dominant impression. + Omit unnecessary details. + Add adjectives, similes, or metaphors to strengthen the dominant impression. + Rethink the impression you want your writing to convey and the significance it suggests. My readers do not identify or sympathize with mo, + Add background details or explain the context. “+ Reveal the cultural influences acting on you or emphasize the historical period in which the event occurred. + Show readers how you have changed or were affected by the experience. My readers don't understand the significance of the story, « Use irony or humor to contrast your present perspective with your past behavior, feel- ings, or attitudes. * Show that thé event ended but that the conflict was not resolved. = Use dialogue to show how your relationship with people in your story changed. «+ Indicate how the event continues to influence your thoughts or actions. My readers think the significance seems too pat or simplistic. . ‘Develop contradictions or show ambivalence to enrich the implications. i j | | 1 | | i ! + Use humor to comment ironically on your past behavior or current contradictory feelings. « Stress the social or cultural dimensions of the event. + Revise Hollywood-movie clichés, simple resolutions, or tagged-on morals.errr ae cette era A pac salaal 52 CHAPTER 2 Rememberingan Event A Note on Grammar and Spelling Checkers These tools can be helpful but don't rely on therm » exclusively to catch errors In your text: Speling checkers canaot catch misspelings that are themselves words, such 28 to for (00. Grammar checkers miss some problems, sometimes give faulty advice for fixing problems, and can flag correct items as wrong, Use these tools as a second line of detense after your own (and, ‘ideally: another reader's) proofreading and editing sitfors, Edit and proofread your. daft = tut tt aa ; only appear in essays about remembered = mae s Fa aces ana fay seaences incor” PBC | tted dialogue, and raisused past-perfect verbs, The following, | mat , | check your essay for these common errors. : r ression 5 ‘i Using the Right Word or Exp sare frequently heard but not often r ssio ‘The Problem Many familiar sayings and expres Se ee seen in writing, so writers often mistake the expression. Consider the ywing’ 1g several children play butt naked around ‘Chock it.up to my upbringing, but havin; = my feet certainly curved my appetite for parenthood. : i. ‘The deer was sil jerking in its deati throws, but for all intensive purposes It was deac Within those two sentences are five commonly mangled expressions. To the ee they may sound right, but in each case the author has heard the expression incorrectly an written down the wrong words. Note: ‘The expressions should be chalk it up, buck naked, curbed my appetite, death throes, and for all intents and purposes. : The Correction "You can find and debug these kinds of errors by following these steps: 1, Highlight or circle common expressions of two or more words in your writing project (especially those you've heard before but haven't seen in writing): 2.’ Check each expression in a dictionary or in’a list of frequently misused words. 3. Consider revising the expression: If you have heard the expression so often that it “sounds right,” it may be a cliché. A fresh expression will be more powerful. Choosing Language and Cutting Flab The Problem Early drafts often include vague or overly general word choices and flabby sentences, Cutting words that add little, making verbs active, and replacing weak word choices with stronger‘ones can greatly increase the power of a remembered event essay. The Correction ‘The following three steps can hel you tighten your lan; make it more powerful: we a 1 Circle empty intensifies, such as just, very, certain, and really. Now reread each sentence, omitting the ciscled word. If the sentence st it sentence om still: makes sense without the 2. Circle all forms ofthe verb to be (such as am, is : : mm, is, are, was, and were). Now rerea denver that includes a circled word, and ask yourself, Could | cevise the senna oF combine it with another sentence to create an active com napes tl ae struction? Examples: | ed toward Third Ave “ Sarah double-knotted the roy “e * -Thetope-was-tied around the dak in ‘the front yard," Improving the Draft "3, Review your descriptions, highlighting or underlining adjectives, adverbs, and prepositional phrases. Now reread them, imagining a more specific noun ‘or verb that could convey the same idea in fewer words. : Atumvee sped > Acterge-black track moved-quickly across the parking lot. pesolving Dialogue Issues Problem Remembered event essays often include dialogue, but writers some- times have trouble using the conventions of dialogue correctly. One common prob- Jem occurs with punctuation mar 1 «« In American English, the opening quotation mark hugs the first word of the quo- tation. Commas belong inside the closing quotation mark, but end punctuation can go inside or outside the closing quotation mark, depending on whether the end punctuation belongs to the quotation or the end of the sentence. + Speaker tags reflect what the speaker was thinking, feellng, or doing, » Anew paragtaph is typically used to indicate a change in speaker. qhe Correction Revise the punctuation, add speaker tags, or start a new paragraph. as needed: 2, asked > “Jean, what's goirig on,"/ my sister questioned?, » Afew seconds later, my sister appeared and asked, “So. did you decide to buy the button?’""No, I guess not.” ; Using the Past Perfect The Problem Remembered event essays oF the main action. To convey this sequence o| rather than the simple past tense: ten mention events tehat occurred before f events, writers use tle past-perfect tense Past Perfect Simple Past hadtraveled _*_—‘traveled had been was “had begun. began. failing to use the past perfect when it is needed can make your meaning unclear. (What happened when, exactly?) fe you recount events to-verify that you are using The Correction Check places wheré the, past pérfect to indicate actions that had already been completed at the'time of ‘another past action (she had finished her work when we saw her). ad : : > {had three people in the car, something my father told me not to do that: very morning. : had run > Coach Kernow told me | ran faster than ever before, ’ \ ume ToREADING ‘Cope To wRITING AWRITERAT WORK HUNTING CRITICALLY $83™ CuIDE To READING Pa ‘GUIDE TO WRITING AWRITEKAT WORK THnWarsc cRSTICALLY Improving the Draft _ 4, Review your descriptions, highlighting or underlining adjectives, adverbs, and prepositional phrases, Now rezead them, imagining a more specific noun or verb that could convey the same idea in fewer words. Attumvce sped > Alarge-bleck-truckemoved-quiekly across the parking lot. pesolving Dialogue Issues he Problem Remembered event essays often include dialogue, but writers some- times have trouble using the conventions of dialogue correctly. One common prob- Jem occurs with punctuation marks: 's In American English, the opening quotation mark hugs the first word of the quo- tation, Commas belong inside the closing quotation mark, but end punctuation con go inside or outside the closing quotation mark, deperiding on whether the tend punctuation belongs to the quotation or the end of the sentence. « Speaker tags reflect what the speaker was thinking, feeling, or doing. # Anew paragfaph is typically used to indicate 2 change in speaker. he Correction Revise the punctuation, add speaker tags, or start a new paragraph as needed: 2, asked > *[Jean, what's yoing on."/ my sister questioned?, » Afow seconds later, my sister appeared and asked, “So. did you decide to buy the button?"No, | guess not.” Using the Past Perfect The Problem Remembered ev the main action. To convey this sequence of rather than the simple past tense: rent essays often mention events tshat occurred before ‘events, writers use tle past-perfect tense Past Perfect Simple Past had traveled traveled had been was had begun began falling to use the past perfect when it is needed can make your meaning unclear. (What happened when, exactly?) The Correction’ Check places where you recount events to verify that you are using the past perfect to indicate actions that had already been completed at the ime of another past action (she had finished her work when we saw er) ad > had three people in the car, something my father told me not to do that very morning. : had run » Coach Kemow told me Ian faster than ever before.tics-1,11, steiner Botany, Zoology, Mathem2! i 54 CHAPTER2 Remembering an Event the past pe member that I ; iples usually end in -eq, Muttiingual Writ et ciel aoe had followed by a past Loup aeern ais some are irregular (such or -t—worked, hoped, eaten, ta spoken ‘ fers It is Important to re! “en, begun or chosen). not really speak > Before Tania went to Moscow last year, she had A Russian. Developing Significance.in Jean Brandt’s . Remembered Event Essay This section compares Jean Brandt's first draft of “Calling Home” to her final revised draft, (See the complete revision on pp. 18-22). ' Tewas two days before Christmas and my older sister and brother, my grandmother, and I were rushing around doing last-minute shopping. After going to a few stores we de- ded to goto Lakewood Center shopping mall It was packed with other frantic shoppers. 1 like ourselves from one end to the other, The first store we went to (the first and last for me) was the General Store. The General Store is your typical gift shop. They mainly have the cutesy knick-knacks, posters, frames and that sort. The store ig decorated to resemble- an old-time western general store but the appearance doesn't quite come off. 2 We were all browsing around and I saw a basket of buttons so I went to see what the different ones were, One ofthe frst ones I noticed Was a Snoopy button. I'm notCAE 0 READING Gume rows werrex at WORK ‘FHINKING CRITICALLY Developing Significance most to the entrance of May Co. and'we were about 5 to 20 yards behind when 1 felt this tap on my shoulder. I tuned around abeady ter stuck and this man was fash ing some find of badge in my face. It Nappened so fast dint know what was going om toute Frally noticed I wasn't with him and came back for me, ack explained T was being anested fr shoplifting and if my parents were here then Louie should go Find them. Louie an to get Susie and told her about it but kept it from Grandma By the time Sve got back to the General Store I was in the back office and Jack the police. I was a little scared but not realy. It was sort of exciting, My Teter was telling me to try and cry but T couldnt. About 20 minutes later two cops me and handcuffed me, led me through the mall outside tothe police car. 1 was kind st embarrassed when they took me through the mall infront ofall those people, When they got me in the car they began questioning me, while diving me to the police sta tion. Questions just to fil out the report—age, sex, address, color of eyes, ete ‘Then when they weee finished they began talking about Jack and what 2 nuisance s he was. I gathered that Jack had every single person who shoplifted, no matter what theis age, arrested, The police were getting really fed up with it because it was 2 nul sance for them to have to come way out to the mall for something as petty as that To fear the police talk about my “rime” that way elt good because it was like what I did ime feel a bit relieved. When we walked into the station T got another was calling wasn't really so bad. It made ber the desk sergeant joking with the arresting officers about “well we ve of Jack’ hardened criminals.” Again, I felt my crime lacked-any seriousness at all Next they handcuffed me to a table and questioned me further and then I had to 1e worst. I never was so humiliated in my life, Hearing the was worse punishment than the cops could ever give me. remer phone my mom. That was th ‘disappointment in her voice brandt was confident in her choice of a topic. She was sure she could recall enough details to make the story dramatic and was confident it ‘would resonate with readers: ‘1 think many of my readers will be able to identify with my story. evel though they won't admit it.” Most importantly, Brandt had no doubt that the event was significant: Being arested for shoplifting was significant because it changed some of my basic «attitudes, Since that night Ive never again considered stealing anything. This event would reveal how my attitude toward the law has changed from disrespectful to very re= spectful. However, as you compare the follo you will see that Brandt's understandin, significance evolved: Initially, she thoug! law. But her first draft doesn’t even hint at this con! ‘mentions it. wing excerpts from her first and last drafts, ig of the underlying conflict. and the event's ynt the conflict would be about respecting the flict and the final draft barely 5566 CHAPTERS Writing Profiles What organizational plan * for the profile emorges in Twas apprehensive as I climbed the stone steps to the entrance. I fear pars. 4 and 5? ed rejection or, wo What does the detailed - 3 description of Deaver in pars. 5 and 6 contribute to Cable's profile ofthe 1 found the funeral ditector in the main Like most people, 2 Photo ed: cust Cosey—— ee eee W ie + F curve ro mexoine Cable The LastStop — [ Cuipe ro weITING “7 urnrreu nt ORK 7 ‘TIRING EnITIC ‘ tie proved an amible sor. however, and wasseasy to talk to. As funeral director, Sirat rates Cable 1. Deaver ("Cll me Howard”) was responsible fora wide range of servi adopted in wring the | tr, Deaver ("Call me ) ponsible for a wide range of services. Goodbody er eet arary, upon notification of someone's death, will remove the remains from the hos become clea’? k pital or home, Tey then prepare the body for viewing, whereupon features distorted | = 2 py illness or accident are restored to their natual condition, The body embalmed and then placed in a casket selected by the family of the deceased. Services are iat the mortuary, and afterward the casket i placed in 2 Winy do you think Cable ummaraes the informa I} their last respects. Goodbody also makes | tion in pat 8 instead of efor burial. | quoting Howard? held in one of three chapel -yjstation room,” where family and friends can pay sments for the purchase of a burial site and transports the body ther arranger professional manner. | ‘All this information Howard related in a well-practiced, rt was obvious he was used to explaining the specifics of his profession. We sat atone in the lobby. His desk was bone clean, no pencils or paper, nothing — Just 4 telephone. He did all his paperwork at home; as it turned out, he and his wife it his lips and squeezed his lived right upstairs. The phone rang. As he listened, he Adam's apple somewhat nervously. “T think well be able to get him in by Friday. No, 0, conferring on the Dow Jones. Directly behind him Tt was tacked to the wall, the family wants him cremated.” ‘What does this observa tion reveal about Cable's perspective? His tone was that of a broker c was a sign announcing “Visa and MasterCard Welcome Here right next to a crucifix. same people have the idea that we are bereavement specialists, that we 8 Why do you think Cable ‘quotes Howard in par. 10 randle emotional problems which flow 2 death: Only a trained therapist can do that stead of parapivasing oF summarizing? counseling for the living, did provide for the living. The lobby was in colors ranging from We provide services for the dead, not Physical comfort was the one thing they rtably furnished. There were several couches, modestly but comfo cont af each one. On one table lay earth brown to pastel blue, and a coffee table in fr ted an aquarium. Paintings of saine magazines and a vase of flowers. Another suppo pastoral scenes hung on every sich. The Lobby looked more or less like that of an old We cet re hotel. Nothing seemed to match, but it had homey, lved-in look: Simpression? } “the last time the Goodbodies decorated was in ‘99, I believe. Tt ice — feel welcome.” a ; had so "Goodbody” was not a-name made upto attract customes but the owner's | family name, The Goodbody family started the business way back in 1915, Today, they ‘do over five hundred services 2 year. {