Dear Mom & Dad, I Kinda Wish You Had Told Me Sooner

Shierlen Octavia, M.Psi., Psikolog

Clinical Psychologist at Personal Growth

“I wish I had known it sooner…”

Was a common thing that many youngsters nowadays say to me. For many, particularly adults
born around my generation or older, sex education was something that was off the table within
the family. Hence, sexuality remained as if it were something immoral and taboo, leading to
children and young people turning to other sources of information only to receive confusing and
conflicting information about puberty, relationships, love, and sex. Consequently, this left children
and young people vulnerable to harmful sexual behaviors and sexual exploitation.

Teaching sexuality does not necessarily mean teaching about sex.

What most parents didn’t know back then was that sex education is more than just talking about
putting condoms on bananas. Sex education that is comprehensive, inclusive, and medically
accurate teaches children the importance of treating everyone with dignity and respect,
including him or herself. More importantly, numerous studies have consistently found that teaching
comprehensive sex education (CSE) does not encourage kids to start having sex sooner or have
it more often (American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, 2016)—concerns that every
parent has in their mind.

More than that, CSE may help children of younger age groups have the building blocks around
basic principles of consent and boundary settings while learning about their bodies. With older
kids such as tweens and teens, CSE helps address relevant issues such as puberty and healthy
relationships and supports them in developing a healthy body image (Healthy Teen Network,
2023). Eventually, this all leads to them making informed decisions and practicing healthy sexual
behavior.

Having known the importance of CSE, when should we begin sex education? According to the
UN’s global guidance, children as early as 5 years old have the right to be educated about
sexuality in an age and developmentally-appropriate manner. However, sex education is a
lifelong process that sometimes begins earlier at home or later until around 10 or 12 and lasts
throughout our entire lives.

So, how do we start talking about how “birds do it, bees do it” to our kids and what exactly needs
to be taught?
1. Establish a safe, open, and non-judgmental learning environment
Kids feel confident to talk about sexual matters with parents who are good listeners, give
honest answers, and try to understand the child’s point of view and feelings. You can start
the conversation for example by saying: “How would you and your friends decide
about…”, “What do you think about puberty?”, or “It sounds like you’re pretty confused
about that.” Thus, avoid dictating hard and fast standards of what kids should and should
not do, especially insisting that the parent's view is always the correct one.

2. Provide clear, relevant, and factual information about sex

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 According to the UNESCO (2018), there are eight key concepts which are equally
important and mutually reinforcing to be taught respectively, which include:
a. Relationships: Covers families’ values and roles and how to build a healthy
friendship and romantic relationships that are based on trust, respect, and
empathy.
b. Values, rights, culture, and sexuality: Covers how one’s cultural values, beliefs, and
attitudes impact others’ rights and how to stand up for them.
c. Understanding gender: Covers the difference between biological sex and gender,
gender roles and norms, and how they influence our behaviors.
d. Violence and staying safe: Covers how to build consent, privacy, and recognize
bullying and violence, as well as how to seek support if witnessing or being involved.
e. Skills for health and well-being: Covers the strategies for challenging negative
external influences (peer, media, or social norms) on sexual behaviors and how to
practice informed decision-making skills and communication.
f. The human body and development: Covers parts of the human body, puberty,
body image, and how pregnancy occurs.
g. Sexuality and sexual behavior: Covers what sexual feelings and fantasies are,
intimacy, appropriate and inappropriate touching, and how to avoid or minimize
the risk of sexual behaviors.
h. Sexual and reproductive health: Covers healthy pregnancy, early marriage risks,
contraceptive use, and sexually transmitted diseases (i.e. HIV and AIDS).

You can set the time to talk, whether it is in casual opportunities (i.e. over the phone,
sharing a meal at home, watching something relevant on TV) or serious talk behind closed
doors. If you encounter something that you don’t know during the discussions, don’t be
afraid to say “I don’t know the answer”, but rather take that chance to find out either on
your own or together and discuss it again later with the child.

3. Do not shy away and always let your child know they can come to you with questions
Understandably, many hot-button topics such as sexuality can leave parents feeling
embarrassed and awkward. Well, you can also set boundaries about your privacy in some
sexual matters. However, remember that our kids should learn about such topics from
parents rather than getting faulty information from other uninformed sources. Hence,
make it clear that sex talk is never a one-time opportunity, for instance by saying, “If you
have any questions later, do not hesitate to ask me.”

Birds and bees talking is more than just ‘preaching’ about sex—it is life skills to protect themselves
and the rights of others. Personal Growth believes in empowering the young generation with
psychoeducation and sexual education. Together, let’s secure a safer future for our children.

References
American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. (2016). Committee opinion no. 678:
comprehensive sexuality education. Obstetrics and Gynecology, 128(5), e227-e230.
Jones, J., Mitchell, A., Walsh, J. (1999). Talking sexual health: A parent’s guide. Retrieved from
https://www.education.vic.gov.au/Documents/school/teachers/teachingresources/soci
al/physed/tshparents.pdf

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Healthy Teen Network. (2023). Sex education is essential. Retrieved from
https://www.healthyteennetwork.org/news/sex-education-is-essential/
UNESCO. (2018). International technical guidance on sexuality education: An evidence-informed
approach (Revised edition). Retrieved from https://cdn.who.int/media/docs/default-
source/reproductive-health/sexual-health/international-technical-guidance-on-sexuality-
education.pdf?sfvrsn=10113efc_29&download=true