Control

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/53939923.

Rating: Explicit
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: F/M
Fandom: My Adventures with Superman (Cartoon)
Relationship: Clark Kent/Lois Lane
Characters: Lois Lane, Clark Kent
Additional Tags: Past Sexual Abuse, Intrusive Thoughts, Dissociation, Sexual Liberation,
Hurt/Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, no actual smut until
later chapters
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2024-02-20 Words: 2,026 Chapters: 1/?
 Control
by SorenLionHeart

Summary

Before all of that though, she learned that falling in love was never an option, and it was a
mystery that'd never get solved because the variables are always changing. What does she
blame next? Her impulsivity because she couldn't resist? Or her trust issues because this is
terrifying? And trust issues led to commitment issues. She knew that she was the problem but
now she's starting to wonder if there's a problem with being too self aware and creating
problems that don't even exist yet.

But, why make him go all this way for nothing?

Notes
See the end of the work for notes
When she met Clark she learned a lot of things. One thing she learned is that aliens were real,
and sometimes they wore capes, and sometimes they saved cities. Another thing she learned
is that clouds don't feel like much of anything other than mist, but somehow it's what she
looks forward to the most when flying. Also, flying makes you feel like you're in a movie and
you have the power to pause to commit it to memory. Although, it's never the same each
time. So, that is to say, Lois has a lot of memories. She remembered flying alongside
seagulls, and she learned that Metropolis is more beautiful from up above.

Before all of that though, she learned that falling in love was never an option, and it was a
mystery that'd never get solved because the variables are always changing. What does she
blame next? Her impulsivity because she couldn't resist? Or her trust issues because this is
terrifying? And trust issues led to commitment issues. She knew that she was the problem but
now she's starting to wonder if there's a problem with being too self aware and creating
problems that don't even exist yet.

But, why make him go all this way for nothing?

He's being chaste with the lips on her neck but she knows something is supposed to come
after this. Something is to be expected. Right? When she's with him, sometimes there's a heat
that prickles in her gut, and it's always, always difficult to ignore. This was another one of
those times, and coupled with the tightening of her chest, she couldn't decide what she
wanted next. To go further would mean being as close to Clark as her body so clearly wanted.
To draw back would mean she'd be safe but would Clark be disappointed? Surely he wouldn't
but right now, she refused to think otherwise. She couldn't reason with herself.

And it was never because he could bend steel in his hands. No, that was never the reason.

He stopped and his hand that had slipped under her shirt was no longer there. He hadn't been
paying attention, she could tell by the look in his eyes that he immediately regretted it, as
much as he tried to compose himself. That's exactly what she was afraid of. Nothing ever
escapes him, and nothing ever escapes her either. "Are you… okay?"

"No… Yeah… I-" She doesn't even know what she wants. "It's fine." She said, and that was
her gut talking.

"Lois…" She hated when he said her name like that. She could've avoided all of this. But
everytime she had something good going for her she had to open her dumb mouth. "Lois?"
He said, and she swallowed. The string of her heart had grown taut, and she's worried it
might fray.

That's the thing; avoiding your feelings isn't the same as confronting them. And Clark made
her confront them every time they were together.

Now, she noticed, she was looking for a distraction as she's always done. Avoiding his eyes,
looking for something else to talk about so they could avoid talking about this, hoping for an
emergency that'd never come. If anything- from the looks of it- this is an emergency to him.
Clark had stepped away, at least as far as he could with the kitchen counter right behind him.
She missed the warmth of his hands at her waist, and she wanted to take a step closer, though
it seemed like her feet were glued in place. Moving became a robotic task.

How do you explain to someone that your body doesn't feel like your own?

But eventually, there was the fabric of his shirt underneath her fingertips and she felt his
heartbeat, almost maddening by how quickly it beated. It was like a shock of warmth surging
through her, like she had been dead and was resuscitated. Pleased to be back in her body, she
sighed and rested her head on his chest.

He hesitated to react. Not explaining is making things worse… and they did say no more
secrets but…

She stayed up countless nights thinking of how he wanted him to touch her, and in the end his
featherlight touch was never enough. She really wished she could stay here forever but then if
she did, what tricks would her mind play this time to make her think she's in danger? Right
now though, the hands at her back is a good feeling. Perfect, even.

"Clark..." She was reluctant, but she supposed the truth had to come out eventually.

"You don't need to explain." He said, and she froze. The pain in his voice… he didn't need an
explanation because he already knew.

She wasn't sure if she should laugh or cry. She wanted to laugh because she thought it'd make
things easier, if they could just laugh this off as though it were nothing but, well, this wasn't
nothing, and so the tears came before she could stop them. And best believe, she did try.
She's tired of trying to hide it, her body couldn't take it anymore. Her body shuddered as she
tried to swallow it down, trying to temper this feeling into something else even if only casting
it aside into the void to be dealt with later. But as much as she tried it was unavoidable.

He was unavoidable. And she all but melted into his embrace.

She swayed a little in his arms as she tried to connect thoughts to words. Maybe if she trusted
him more, or maybe if she trusted herself more? But Lois already trusted Clark more than she
thought she could ever trust anybody. So, maybe if Lois wasn't Lois maybe then it'd be easier
and maybe then she wouldn't be pushing all of her problems onto him. He already has the
world on his shoulders, Lois didn't need to burden him with anything more. But if it's one
thing Clark is going to do, he's going to help and listen and she doesn't think there's an easy
explanation for this nor was there an easy solution either.

She stepped away from him and Clark let her. Any other time she probably would've laughed
at how gentle he's being right now.

"Do you…" His hands hovered uselessly for a second before dropping to his sides. "Need
some space?"

"Yeah- no... I don't know." Her arms folded across her chest as though that'd be any help in
grounding her at all.
His eyes flitted down to her arms for a split second and that's when she realized she had given
herself away. "Okay." He said. "Just let me know if you need anything." He turned his
attention away from her and gazed at the jars she kept at her countertop for sugar and flour
and whatnot. "I could make some tea… if you want."

"Always going the extra mile." She muttered to herself. She had forgotten all about his super
hearing but he simply smiled over his shoulder. "I could go for some tea right now." Granted,
she was always more of a coffee person than a tea person but if she had any more adrenaline
shooting through her veins she'd probably go haywire.

Lois watched him make the tea and she found herself enamored by the level of leniency he
held to such a small task. She supposed it was always a necessity for him to be careful but it
wasn't any less impressive than it was the first time she noticed. She hadn't realized she
walked closer so she could stand right next to him. She was watching for something else too,
but what that was exactly she couldn't really say.

"Lois, I-" The kettle whistled and Clark visibly flinched.

This is literally the same guy who jumped at a bagel popping out of the toaster and she'd be
lying if that wasn't exactly what drew her towards him in the first place but honestly this
doesn't make her feel any less stupid about the whole thing.

He took the kettle off the stove and poured her cup first. "Here." He said, handing it to her.

The warmth shocked her senses again, and she smiled at the childlike painting splashed on
the side of the mug. She bought this mug for a school fundraiser a few years back, back when
she first moved to Metropolis. "You were saying?"

The steam fogged up his glasses as he brought the mug up to his lips before he paused to
answer. "I wanted to apologize, that's all." His gaze dropped to the floor. "I wasn't even
thinking of…" He bit his lip. "I wasn't thinking."

She took a sip of her drink and was welcomed by a sugary sweetness, it wasn't overpowering
but it was enough to keep her grounded in the moment. He didn't want to absolve himself
from the blame but the words were crystal clear. He wasn't even thinking of sex. Her brain
just jumped to the worst possible conclusion. "What did you put in this?" She asked.
Honestly, she was paying more attention to what his hands were doing rather than what he
was picking up.

He took a second to answer. "Honey…" When she didn't respond he spoke again. "Is it
good?"

"Yeah, I'll have to make it next time I make some tea." She smiled. He kept an analytical look
on his face like he was studying her. That expression hasn't left his face all evening. She still
owes him an explanation… that is, if she can wrangle up the words to explain it without
giving too much of herself away. Unfortunately her journalism degree is useless for this
matter. She tapped her fingers against the mug.

What is she supposed to say?

There's too much noise to be able to decipher anything but at least, there was always one
constant variable in her brain. In spite of everything, she's glad Clark is here. She leaned
against his shoulder and he held his breath for a second or so before releasing it again. She
wished he didn't have to second guess her every motive. But she doesn't know what else she
could possibly do.

"I love you." He said.

Those words squeezed at her heart but she swallowed them down. "I love you too." She said,
looking into her mug. "I just wish I could show it."

His brows furrowed together in confusion. "You are showing it."

"You know what I mean." She couldn't help but smile when he nudged her so she nudged him
back.

"I don't know if I do." He bashfully admitted. Of course he'd avoid actually saying the word
but Lois doesn't want to be the first one to say it either. "But I think I have an idea." He was
trying to keep his words light but the weight hit her like a ton of bricks.

"Yeah." She took a long sip of her drink, hoping he'd keep talking so she didn't have to, only
he never did. "It's complicated." She said. That was a truth that she could provide.

"Me too." Lois raised a brow. "Uh, it's complicated for me too." He readjusted his glasses,
one of the many nervous ticks of his, and cleared his throat. "My powers make things more
complicated than they need to be."

She's glad he clarified that part before she started spiraling down a completely different path,
although she couldn't shake the feeling that she was the one complicating things. "I think I'd
take your powers over my brain anyday."

"What?" He laughed. "I wouldn't change you for the world."

She smiled. She wouldn't change a thing about him either. Honestly, Clark might be the
closest thing you could get to perfection. It's a little corny but it wasn't exactly wrong to say
that there was nobody quite like him. He does dumb things to her brain, things that she
doesn't care to admit out loud. Words were decisively inefficient. She needed to figure this
out. But for now, she's glad she could at least hold his hand. She's glad to have him.
End Notes

ive always vented through clark about my complicated feelings towards sex due to my sexual
abuse, i guess lois is just a more on the nose way of dealing with it. im very much pantsing
this thing as i go along and will update at my leisure. i will add trigger warnings in case i may
need them but i dont think ill ever be discussing the abuse in a explicit manner so if that's
what you were worried about, rest assured.

anyways, i hope this fic finds you well. ❤

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