THE BRIEF HEALTH 5 ways to craft the perfect apology BY ANGELA HAUPT APOLOGIZING IS HOW WE COEXIST AS IMPERFECT BEINGS. YET FEW OF US KNOW HOW TO DO IT well—and not defensively, “We immediately turn to excuses, justifications, reasons why the victim provoked us,” says Karina Schumann, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh who has researched the barriers to apologizing. Just as often, apologies don’t happen at all out of fear that they'll be uncomfortable or ineffective. But sincere apologies bring a host of benefits to the person delivering the message and the one receiving it. They help solidify relationships and ‘mend trust, both of which can lower stress and improve mental health, Research has found that those receiving apologies can experience improvements in blood pressure and heart rate, as well as increased activation of empathy-related brain regions that set the stage for forgiveness and. reconciliation. If you're ready for your mea culpa moment, here are five keys to apologizing well. 1. Don’trush into it Apologies are better late than early, says Cindy Frantz @ social psychologist at ‘Overlin Colloge who has researched how timing influences apology effectiveness, Sass What we found is that there can be a temptation to offer an apology quickly,” she says. “I's aneffortto shut the whole incident ‘down and move on, And that benefits the perpetra- to, but t doesn't meet the needs ofthe victim.” You can't deliver an effective apology until the injured party believes that you fully understand what you did ‘wrong, she says, “ifthe apology comes before that, i's not going to be seen as sincere.” KE. 2, Start with specific words Use the words 7m sorry ot | apologize. Optinginstead for phrases like I regret 0 feelbad about what happened often results innonapologles, which “have the ‘vague contours of an apology, but don't actually get there," says Marjorie Ingall,, coauthor ofthe new book Sort, Sorry, Sony: The Case for Good Apologies. (See: the classic “sorry ‘ifyou were offended” or “sorry, but...” approaches.) Plus, saying you regret something pus the focus con you and your emotions, when itneeds to center ‘squarely on the wronged person’s feelings. ng, 3Accept responsibility Why should you apologize ifyou're both at ° _ fault? That's exactly the question many © © poeple struzse wit, Schumann says— and certainly, there often is dual respon: silty, “But ike to encourage people to really focus on taking responsibility fr the parts of the confict that they're responsible for.” she says. Avoid the urge to phrase it as “I'm sorry Idi this, but you also did that. The inclination to 20. TIME April 10/April17, 2023, do So is “normal, because we want to contextualize ‘our behavior and call attention to the fact that we're also hurt,” she says. But save it for lateron in the ‘conversation 4, Be clear about how you plan to repair things ‘One of the core elements of an apology is making reparations. ‘Sometimes, Schumann says, that willbe possible in a direct way: You broke their favorite winegiass? Buy them a new one. Spilled coffee on their new dress? Pay forthe dry cleaning If that's not feasible, consider more symbolic forms of repair. For example, ifyou hurt someone's feelings with acritical comment, make it clear that you misspoke. “Sometimes you can't repair what's happened, but you can think about the relationship moving forward,” she says. “How can you communicate a promise to behave better?” I's important for the other person “to hear that this is not going to continue... and they can trust. you to improve your behavior in the future.” the person wronged will often é heed time and space to heal, ‘and it's important not to pressure => them. Itcan be tempting to follow ‘up with something like “What's wrong? I apologized—how long are you going to hold onto this?” Instead, Schumann suggests checking in ike this: “I understand this isn’t going to fixeverything, ‘and want to continue to do whatever can to make this right by you. | hope that even if you're not ready to forgive me, you're open to working with me to get us to ‘point where we can move forward.” 5. Don't expect forgiveness {An apology isa starting point. Particularly with severe offenses,