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Rating:
Mature
Archive Warnings:
No Archive Warnings Apply, Major Character
Death, Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Category:
M/M
Fandom:
Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling

Relationships:
Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Sirius Black & Remus
Lupin, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter

Characters:
Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, James Potter, Lily Evans
Potter, Peter Pettigrew, Severus Snape, Minerva
McGonagall, Bellatrix Black Lestrange, Narcissa
Black Malfoy, Albus Dumbledore, Mulciber Sr. (Harry
Potter), Horace Slughorn, Mary Macdonald,
Marlene McKinnon, Poppy Pomfrey, Walburga Black,
Regulus Black, Fenrir Greyback
Additional Tags:
Marauders' Era, Marauders, Marauders Friendship,
wolfstar, Get Together, Slow Burn, so slow, it's
slow, seriously, Complete, Canon Compliant,
Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Requited Love,
Canonical Character Death, First War with
Voldemort, First Kiss, Period Typical Attitudes

Language:
English
Series:
Part 1 of All the Young Dudes ● Next Work →
Stats:
Published: 2017-03-02 Completed: 2018-11-12
Words: 526969 Chapters: 188/188 Comments:
29333 Kudos: 143771 Bookmarks: 29106 Hits:
9824350

All the Young Dudes

MsKingBean89

Chapter 188: 'Til the End

Summary:
Here we go my loves...

Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

I just want to see you

When you're all alone

I just want to catch you if I can

I just want to be there

When the morning light explodes

On your face it radiates

I can't escape

I love you 'till the end

I just want to tell you nothing

You don't want to hear

All I want is for you to say

Why don't you just take me

Where I've never been before

I know you want to hear me catch my breath

I love you 'till the end

I just want to be there

When we're caught in the rain

I just want to see you laugh not cry

I just want to feel you

When the night puts on it's cloak

I'm lost for words - don't tell me

All I can say

I love you ‘till the end.

“Where are you going!?” Remus hissed, as he

marched into the kitchen. He didn’t want Sirius to
hear them fighting, but things didn’t look good at all,
from the way Grant was calmly stirring his tea, not
making eye contact.

“Brighton.” Grant said, “I’ve had a job offer - a really

good one. Better pay, and I can help more people, I
can really make a difference.”

“But we live in London.”

“Remus…”

“You’re just up and leaving me for a job ?!” Remus

was gearing up to start shouting; to shame Grant into
staying. Grant just smiled sympathetically and shook
his head,

“Don’t be silly, now. You know it’s about more than

that.”

Remus’s heart was beating hard, he felt sick, woozy,

as if the floor was rocking back and forth. “You can’t
do this!”

“I’m just making things easier for you,” Grant said -

and from anyone else that might have sounded bitter.
“Haven’t I always tried to do that?”

“But I love you!”

“I love you too, my darling, but I’m not sure that’s all
there is to it.”

“So you’re just making the decision for me?!”

“I’m making a decision for me.” Grant said, very

firmly. He looked at Remus now, dead in the eye, and
Remus could see there would be no more arguing.
“Sirius needs you now, and you’ll go to war, because
that’s who you are, you’re mad and brave and
incredible. There isn’t a place for me in all that, so I
need you to let me go. We’ll always be friends, won’t
we? Care home yobs together?”

Remus wanted to wail. He wanted to fall to his knees

and clutch Grant around the waist and hold him there
forever, to beg and plead. He knew that was selfish.
Grant was right; Remus had already decided to re-
join the Order, he had decided the moment Sirius
returned. It wasn’t fair to keep Grant around for that,
it was downright dangerous. But he needed him, oh,
he really, really needed Grant. Remus wasn’t sure he
could do it all alone, not with Sirius the way he was.

“You’ll break my heart if you go now.” Remus said,

aware he sounded sulky and petulant.

Grant shook his head lightly, holding his ground. “I’m

sorry, love. But it’s breaking my heart to stay.”

And in an instant, Remus understood. He saw Grant

properly for the first time, not as his protector, his
champion, but as a person who was not so very
different from him, who was just as vulnerable to
suffering.

“It’s not a proper goodbye, eh?” Grant said, softly.

“You’re not shot of me yet.”

“I haven’t always been fair to you.” Remus said. He

had wanted to say it for a long time now. He wanted
some kind of forgiveness.

“You’ve been fine,” Grant smiled, without a trace of

blame. “You’ve been my little bit of magic.”

Remus made a strangled noise, and tried not to cry.

Grant hugged him, and they held each other for the
last time.

Grant left Remus in the kitchen, with two cups of tea

- one for Remus, one for Sirius. Remus stood in
silence and waited for the door to go. When he heard
it shut, he covered his mouth with his hand and
closed his eyes. He breathed in and out for a few
moments, then walked into the living room. Sirius
was still on the couch. He looked anxious, rubbing his
hands together.

“Remus, I--”

“No.” Remus held up his hand, shaking his head, “No,

I need a minute.”

He went into the bedroom and closed the door. He sat

on the bed and cried and cried. Once that was done
with, he washed his face and went back to Sirius.

There was so much work to do.

***

Monday 10th July 1995

Things were harder, after Grant left. Remus felt as

though he had lost his rock; the person who had kept
him safe for thirteen years. The man Remus was left
with was practically a stranger; a gaping hole of
misery and fear and vengeful rage. Remus was on
eggshells, and the war stretched ahead of them -
would it always be like this?

They kept focussed on the war, mostly because

Remus refused to discuss Grant, or his feelings. It
was too much, in those early days. They spent their
time working on lists of contacts, getting in touch
with the old crowd, digging up old information from
the last war. Sirius hooked them back into the floo
network, using a secret connection only accessible to
the right people, and time and time again the two of
them knelt on the hearth rug, speaking into the
flames; Sirius explaining his story to each member.
Few of them took much convincing. All of them
believed that Voldemort was back, and wanted to do
something about it.

When they weren’t working for Dumbledore, Remus

put the TV on and more often than not, Sirius would
transform into Padfoot and doze off. Remus did all of
the cooking - Sirius offered, but Remus wouldn’t allow
it. He said he wanted Sirius to rest, to recuperate, but
really he just wanted to be in a different room, most
of the time. Sirius still slept on the couch, because
neither of them were able to broach the subject.

“Full moon on Wednesday,” Remus said, one

afternoon. They’d just signed off with Kingsley - an
Auror Moody had brought in, who seemed pretty
capable. Remus wasn’t sure what that was worth;
he’d seen plenty of capable wizards die.

“I know.” Sirius replied, brusquely.

They sat side by side on the couch, blankly watching

the TV. It was only the muggle news, but it might as
well have been static, for all they cared. Just a reason
not to look at each other.

“I usually leave an hour or so before sunset,” Remus

continued. “Gives me time to clear the area, if I need
to.”

“I remember how it works.” Sirius said.

“Ok, sorry.” Remus muttered, irritated. “Just thought

you’d want to know. But if you’ve got other plans,
then by all means, stay here.”

Sirius looked at him. “Oh. You want me to come?”

“Only if you want to,” Remus said, hurriedly, “I don’t

mind either way.”

“Dumbledore said I need to stay here at all times…”

“Fine. Stay here then.” Remus folded his arms tightly

across his chest, feeling hurt.

“No, I’ll come with you.” Sirius said.

“Great.” Remus drawled, sarcastically.

It was how almost all of their conversations seemed

to go. One of them would deliberately misunderstand,
or become unreasonably defensive about a tiny
matter. Then the other would bite back, and around
and around, until they both just stopped talking and
ignored each other. But if Remus got up, or made to
leave the room, Sirius would give him that terrified
look; “Where are you going??” and Remus would sit
back down again, and the whole scene would re-set.

He thought that bringing up the full moon might

cheer Sirius up a bit. Sirius had always loved full
moons, and it meant he could leave the flat for once.
Can’t you just be normal?! Remus found himself
thinking, angrily, I don’t want to live with a stranger,
I want my best friend back. I need help.

Then he felt guilty. Because obviously Sirius couldn’t

help it, and if he really thought about it, they had
always been a fractious couple; they were both
hotheaded Gryffindors, after all.

Still. Sirius may not be a complete stranger, but he

was certainly strange . Had he always been so
watchful, so quick to anger? Or had Azkaban done
that to him? Or - worst of all - was it all Remus’s
fault?

Without Grant there, Remus began to wonder

whether he seemed different himself. Perhaps years
of living like a muggle had made him less interesting.
He was slower than he’d been as a teenager, more
cautious. He rarely laughed.

It was stupid, but Remus was even more worried

about how he looked. He had never been a vain
person; he’d always been very ordinary looking,
scarred and a bit gangly, even when Sirius had known
him. But at least back then Remus had been young .
Now, his hair was grey all over, only a few strands of
the original mousey shade left. He had more scars
than ever, and sometimes he still smoked, which
made him cough like an old coal miner.

He was so much less than he had been before.

“This isn’t going to work, is it?” Sirius said, abruptly,

breaking Remus’s thoughts.

No tact. Once he had been so silver tongued he could

talk anyone into anything; could reel off dirty jokes
like they were romantic poetry. But now everything
Sirius said was sudden and blunt and full of raw
urgency.

“What isn't?” Remus asked, shaken. He kept his eyes

fixed on the TV.

“This. You and me. In the same room. Trying to act

like… trying to be ok with each other. After everything
that’s happened, and fourteen years… it's just going
to be too much.”

Remus finally turned to look at him, ready to be

annoyed again, but found that Sirius was staring
down at his hands, twisting them hard in his lap so
that the skin pulled and his knuckles whitened. He
had scars too, now.

He didn’t look so old and strange, then; he just

looked like Sirius. And he was frightened.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Remus said softly. He reached

over and stilled Sirius’s hands with his own, weaving
their scarred bony fingers together. He caught his eye
and smiled encouragingly. “You were always too much
for me. I never minded.”

The look of relief which flooded Sirius’s face was

worth every lost moment. It was an entire lifetime.
He raised Remus’s hand to his lips, and gently kissed
the inside of his palm.

They returned to the TV after that, but kept holding

hands.

***

Thursday 14th July

Thankfully, the full moon was a welcome change of

pace. They apparated to the Brecon Beacons
together, and both transformed on a mountainside.
The wolf was thrilled to be reunited with its old
companion, and they spent their time chasing foxes
through the grasslands, running together for miles
and miles. They were better together, in their canine
bodies; more natural, more at ease. Perhaps the lack
of inhibition, or perhaps the bond forged between
them as dog and wolf was not as easily broken.

When Remus turned back, at dawn, Padfoot licked his

face gleefully, nuzzling into him, and Remus laughed,
for the first time since Sirius had returned to London.

They were still smiling when they got back to the flat,
and it felt bigger than before; less of a cage.

“I forgot how strong you were,” Sirius beamed, full of

energy, “I forgot you were faster than me.”

“Of course you did,” Remus grinned, “Arrogant prick. I

could always beat you.”

He picked up the post sitting on the doormat and

flicked through, as Sirius flung himself onto the
couch, sprawling out. It was the first time Remus had
seen him look really relaxed in their flat again, and it
made him feel warm inside.

Flicking through the bills and takeaway leaflets,

Remus stopped short as he reached a postcard. It
had Grant’s new address on it. Nothing else, just the
address, neatly printed. The needle sharp sting of
regret hit Remus, and he sighed, heavily. There was
no phone number. Either Grant didn’t have one yet
(which seemed very unlikely, as he was barely off it
normally, and needed one for work), or he was telling
Remus not to get in touch.

“What’s up?” Sirius said, from the couch, ever

watchful.

“Nothing. Grant’s new address, that’s all.” Remus put

it on the mantelpiece. “I really need a lie down, I
think I’ll go to bed.”

He downed some painkillers - only over the counter

stuff, nothing exciting - and went to sleep. Luckily
that was easy enough, after a full moon. When he
woke up, the bedroom felt cold and empty. It was
long after midday, and he could smell bacon cooking,
the salty, savoury scent wafting its way through the
flat.

He got up and followed the scent to the kitchen,

where Sirius was standing over the hob, agitating a
sizzling pan of bacon and eggs. He turned, seeing
Remus and smiled,

“Thought you’d be hungry. You’re always hungry.”

“Yeah,” Remus nodded, yawning and scratching his

head. “Cheers.”

Remus made the toast quickly, with his wand - he

was getting back into the habit of using magic again
now that his last ties to the muggle world had been
cut.

They sat at the table in the living room, and Sirius

even made an effort to use a knife and fork. Remus
smiled at that, remembering James and Sirius’s
impeccable pureblood table manners. He will come
back to me, Remus told himself, as Sirius buttered his
toast daintily, bit by bit.

The postcard from Grant was still sitting up on the

mantelpiece. The image on the front was of Brighton
Pavillion. “I’d better start boxing up the rest of his
things,” Remus said, thinking out loud. “Find a way to
get them to him.”

“He said he’d come back, when he was settled.” Sirius

said, unexpectedly.

“Oh.” Remus blinked, “Did you talk, then?”

“A little bit,” Sirius shrugged, faking nonchalance,

“Just to say goodbye. He told me to look after you.”

“Oh, I see.” Remus said, quietly. “Well, sorry about

that. That wasn’t his place to say.”

He wanted very much to keep these two halves of his

life separate.

“No, it was ok,” Sirius said. They were quiet for a bit ,
eating. And then… “When did it happen?” Sirius
asked, back to his sharp abruptness.

“When did what happen?”

“You and him. How soon after… after I went to

prison?”

Remus set down his fork. “Why are you asking me

that?”

“I’m just trying to fill in the gaps - the stuff I missed.”

Something inside Remus grew hot and fierce.

“I don’t see what Grant has to do with any of it. Do

you want a list of everyone I’ve shagged since you’ve
been gone?”

Sirius breathed in, sharply, at that. “No, of course

not.”

“Well, then. Leave him out of it. He’s gone now, that’s
that.”

“I shouldn’t have asked. I just thought... “

“I never cheated on you.” Remus said, hardening his

voice, “So you can stop wondering. I never, ever
betrayed you. Even if you think I did.”

Sirius frowned, and looked down at his food. “You are

still angry about that, then.”

“I don’t want to be.” Remus said. “I don’t want to be,

but I am. You thought I was a spy , Sirius! You
thought I would try to hurt Lily and James - you
thought I would try to hurt you .”

“I was confused,” Sirius said, his voice small,

“Everything was such a mess, everything was so
difficult, and no one knew anything, no one trusted
anybody--”

“I remember.” Remus snapped. “I was there. I still

trusted my friends.”

Sirius kept staring at his food, but Remus wasn’t

finished, this had to come out eventually, he knew
how it felt to leave things unsaid.

“D’you know how stupid I was? D’you want to know

how completely dense I was, in those last months? I
thought you wanted to break up with me! I wanted to
come back from the pack and see if we could make
things up - it never crossed my mind that you
thought I was a… I mean, fucking hell, Sirius. I loved
you!”

“Remus…”

“I loved you, and you left me with nothing , do you

understand? I had nothing except a lot of scars and a
drinking habit. So don’t start interrogating me about
the bits of my life I’ve been able to put back
together.”

Remus stood up and paced, the last of the full moon

still hot in his veins. He stood by the window. He
wanted to smoke, but he’d learnt by now not to give
in to those kinds of urges - the kind that felt good,
but would probably kill you in the end. The kind of
urges he got when Sirius was around.

“I’m sorry.” Sirius’s voice was still very small. He was

hunched forward, his hair in his face. Pitiful.

Remus felt terrible, even though he knew he deserved

an apology. He hadn’t meant to be hurtful. For fuck’s
sake, Remus scolded himself, why can’t we ever get
this right?

“No, I’m sorry.” He said, steadying his voice,

remembering to be understanding. “I didn’t mean to
be so…”

“I understand. I swear, Moon--Remus, sorry - I swear,

I thought about you every day. What you must think
of me, what you must have heard… I was the stupid
one, not you. I should have trusted you, I should
have told you about Wormtail being made secret
keeper - I mean, bloody hell, we should have made
you secret keeper. Merlin, when I went to Godric’s
Hollow that night… I just lost it. ”

“I would have done the same.” Remus sighed, “I’d

have killed Wormtail. Sirius, I'm sorry too. I wish I
hadn’t believed them - I wish I’d tried to investigate,
done something to help you. I was just such a state, I
barely went out, I was never sober. That stuff’s all my
fault. ...And that’s why I needed Grant.”

Sirius nodded, forlorn, still sitting at the table. It was

too much, the air was too thick.

“Here, are you finished?” Remus asked, needing a

subject change, “I’ll do the washing up. Thanks for
that, it was perfect.”

He cleared up the plates and took them through to

the kitchen. He folded up the last of Sirius’s fried egg
in a piece of toast and scoffed it - waste not want not.
Sirius came in just as he was chewing,

“Same old Remus,” he snorted, “Finishing everyone’s

food.”

“I know,” Remus laughed, slightly abashed, turning

on the taps. “Grant used to call me the human refuse
unit. Once he ordered a set meal for four from the
takeaway downstairs, but got stuck on a work call,
and by the time he came back I’d eaten the lot.”

Sirius took this anecdote pretty well. He came to

stand beside Remus and took up a tea towel, so he
could dry as Remus washed. They did this in
companionable silence for a while, but Remus knew
Sirius was building up to something. His body was
giving off that agitated energy Remus recognised
from long ago - were they going to have a fight
again? He hoped not.

“How long was he here?” Sirius said, softly, “How long

were you…”

“A long time.” Remus replied, concentrating on the

dishes.

“It’s good that you had someone.” Sirius said, with

remarkable humility. “I’m glad you weren’t alone.”

“He was better than I deserved.” Remus agreed,

glancing at Sirius to check it was ok to continue. “I
never thought I’d… I didn’t think I could ever love
someone who wasn’t you. But I did. I loved him.”

Sirius opened his mouth, but seemed to think better

of it, and closed it again. He nodded, a shadow of
disappointment crossing his face. He was trying so
hard . Remus put down the last dish, carefully, and
wiped his hands dry on his jeans.

He turned back to face Sirius, who was watching him

like a hawk.

“I loved him.” Remus said. “But he wasn’t you.”

Sirius’s eyes widened, hopefully. Remus gave him a

small, shy smile, and a tiny shrug. Sirius leaned in,
and all of a sudden they were inches apart, and then
they were kissing, clutching each other tightly, as if it
was their first and last.

It turned out you never really lost the knack. Like an

unbroken spell, Remus felt every moment come
flooding back to him as vividly as if it were yesterday;
not the fights, or the war, or the emptiness, but the
joy, the thrill of friendship, and the love - so, so much
love; Remus felt as if he was being filled up with it;
he was spilling over.

Just as it had been the very first time, Remus’s brain

seemed to be yelling yes, yes yes ! and he held onto
Sirius with both hands, you’re mine, you’re mine,
you’re mine.

When they broke apart, they were both grinning,

pressing their foreheads together, holding each
other’s shoulders as if they were fighting - or falling.

“I love you,” Sirius whispered, “I love you so much.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, “Don’t worry, you don’t
have to say it back.”

“Of course I love you, you idiot,” Remus gasped, not

sure if he was laughing or crying, “I never stopped.”

Sirius laughed too, though his cheeks were wet, and

kissed him again. And again, and again, and again.

They weren’t teenagers anymore. They finished the

washing up, and returned to the couch. Sirius
suggested playing a record, instead of the TV, and
Remus acquiesced, willing to give him anything he
wanted. He selected Diamond Dogs, first, but Remus
thought the lyrics to ‘We are The Dead’ might be too
hard to hear. In the end it was Hunky Dory, which had
happier tunes on it.

Sirius stretched out, his head in Remus’s lap, and

Remus stroked his hair and bent over to kiss him
whenever he liked, because he could, at last, he could
.

“I missed you.” He whispered.

Sirius squeezed his hand and turned his head,

slightly, obviously not wanting Remus to see the
emotion on his face. He cleared his throat, “Tell you
what I’ve missed,” he said, a smile playing on his lips
- that Sirius Black grin - “Smoking. Haven’t got a fag,
have you?”

“They’re bad for you.” Remus tutted. “They kill you.”

“We’re all dying,” Sirius replied.

“Maybe.” Remus agreed, lacing their fingers together,

“But shouldn’t life last longer, if it can be like this?”

***

They fell asleep on the couch, probably because they

were both too shy to suggest moving to the bedroom.
Remus awoke to birdsong in the early hours of the
morning, still upright, stiff, hips aching, the warm
weight of Padfoot in his lap. He scratched sleepily
behind the dog’s ear, pushing him away to get up and
use the loo.

When he came back, Sirius was back to himself.

“Sorry,” he said, “I keep turning in my sleep. I think I
spent too long as a dog in Azkaban.”

“It’s fine,” Remus smiled, “I don’t mind at all.” He

stretched, “What do we need to do today, is there
anyone left on the list to talk to?”

“No, we’ve done everything,” Sirius said. “Except find

a new headquarters. Hey, I had a thought about that
- what about that old church you stayed in with the
werewolves?”

“Oh, that… no, probably a bad idea. Greyback knows

where it is.”

“He’s still around, then.”

“Mm hmm. Tea?”

“Please.”

Remus went into the kitchen and Sirius followed him,

still talking, “I just thought that would be good,
because it’s the middle of nowhere, so I can be there
too. I hate the idea of you going off to meetings and
me staying put.”

“Don’t you like it here?” Remus raised an eyebrow. He

loved his little flat, “Other than Hogwarts, it’s the only
place I’ve ever really felt at home.”

“Oh Remus.” Sirius squeezed his arm, “You’ve gone

all soft in your old age.”

“Piss off.” Remus snorted, giving him a light nudge

with his elbow. “We didn’t all grow up in mansions.”

“No but-- hey! Hey, Remus, that’s it!” Sirius was

shaking his shoulder now, jogging Remus as he tried
to pour the milk.

“Oi, watch it! What?”

“My mansion! Or it’s mine now, anyway - my parents

are both dead, I’m the Black heir! The house will
answer to me!”

“Oh, I see,” Remus frowned, turning to look at Sirius

properly, “Are you sure? I mean… you really want to
go back there?”

“Well, no, obviously I don’t. But it’s probably one of

the most protected houses in Britain - the Blacks took
home security really bloody seriously. There are
enough rooms for all the Weasleys and then some -
oh merlin, imagine my bitch mother’s face if she
knew I’d invited the Weasleys over to stay! It’s
something I can do to help, isn’t it?”

“But Sirius, think about it, you’ll be in the home your

parents lived in - all their things will be there…”