Karlien Strijbosch Utrecht University
Single and the City: State Influences on Intimate
Relationships of Young, Single, Well-Educated
Women in Singapore
Low fertility rates and an aging population chal-
lenge the city-state of Singapore. The Singa-
porean government therefore encourages singles
to marry and have children. Using ethnographic
data and interviews (N = 28), collected between
August and December 2012, this explorative
study examined the relationship between govern-
ment interference and the love lives of young,
well-educated, single women in Singapore. Get-
ting married is expected not only by the state,
friends, and family members but also by singles
themselves. The author examined how young
women view and experience these social ide-
als in their daily lives. Foucault’s (1982, 1984)
idea of governmentality and Budgeon’s (2008)
idea of couple culture were used to investigate
how government policies intervene in the roman-
tic relationships of individuals through various
channels, such as the housing policy, matchmak-
ing initiatives, and social norms. The govern-
ment may effectively affect individuals in certain
ways, whereas at other times individuals may act
in a manner that is opposite to what the govern-
ment expects.
When you are single, people automatically assume
that you are lonely, or feel that something is
missing. It is normal for people to make such
Department of Cultural Anthroplogy, Utrecht University,
Utrecht, the Netherlands (strijboschkarlien@gmail.com).
This article was edited by Yingchun Ji.
Key Words: compulsory coupledom, governmentality, inti-
mate relations, romantic love, Singapore, singles.
1108 Journal of Marriage and Family 77 (October 2015): 1108–1125
DOI:10.1111/jomf.12221
assumptions about me, but I don’t think I am
lonely. Having a boyfriend is a bonus, not a neces-
sity of life. Like you can have dessert, but it is not
like food, you do not need it to stay alive.
—Valeria, age 25
While eating custard puffs during her lunch
break, surrounded by skyscrapers, Valeria shares
her experiences as a single in Singapore. Like
many singles in Singapore, Valeria lives with
her family in a government-subsidized flat. She
works full time as a writer for a women’s maga-
zine, loves traveling, and enjoys sipping Trappist
beer in cafés. Her Mr. Right needs to be open-
minded and kind and should love Labradors as
much as she does. Until he shows up, she will
live her life focusing on her career and friends.
Like many urbanized East Asian societies—
such as Japan, Taiwan, South Korea, and Hong
Kong—the modern, multicultural city-state of
Singapore faces low birth rates, late marriage,
and high rates of nonmarriage. In Singapore
there is hardly any childbearing outside of mar-
riage. Like other East Asian countries, less than
2% of births occur out of wedlock (Jones, 2012c,
p. 317). The number of people staying “effec-
tively single” in their 30s is even higher than
in late-marrying countries in Europe (Jones,
2012b). The Singaporean government considers
this to be problematic because it threatens the
future manpower of the country and its welfare
system. The government therefore encourages
marriage through favorable housing policies for
couples who are (getting) married and incen-
tivizes the mingling of single university gradu-
ates at dating events in the hope that they will
Single and the City
find a life partner. State policies in Singapore
provide a context in which people think about
family matters and make their personal decisions
(Teo, 2010, p. 364).
In this study I investigated how young,
well-educated, single women experience family
ideals in Singapore. As singles, they currently
do not adhere to the family ideal of Singapore as
a nation. I examined how this ideal is fueled not
only by social policies but also by other social
institutions and the singles themselves, as well
as ideals about romance and love. This article
focuses on the daily experiences of young,
well-educated, single Singaporean women
between ages 25 and 30. They are the target
group of the services of the Social Development
Network (SDN), and they are restricted from
buying a subsidized flat, which makes them
more likely to be adversely affected by state
policies and to have a more informed opinion
about those policies. The SDN is part of the
Ministry of Social and Family Development,
and its vision (as of May 7, 2015) is to “facilitate
marriage and to nurture a culture where singles
view marriage as a top life goal” (http://app.msf.
gov.sg/About-MSF/Our-People/Divisions-at-
MSF/Family-Development-and-Support/Social-
Development-Network). The SDN promotes
marriage among singles and equips them with
relationship and dating skills. It also creates
opportunities for singles to find life partners
by guaranteeing the credibility of dating ser-
vices. Furthermore, well-educated women
are relevant to investigate because they are,
together with less educated men, statistically
the group most likely to remain single (Jones,
2012b, p. 93).
The Singaporean Context
The modern, multicultural city-state of Singa-
pore ranks highly among the Southeast Asian
countries with low fertility and very high non-
marriage and late-marriage rates. In 2010, 62%
of women with a university degree aged between
25 and 29 were single. Seventy-six percent of
men with a similar educational background and
age were single in 2010. In the age category
of 30- to 34-year-olds, 28% of the women and
35% of the men with a university degree were
single (Jones, 2012c, p. 317). Women between
age 30 and 34 with less than a secondary edu-
cation were single in 13% of the cases. In 2010,
men in the same age group and with less than
1109
a secondary education were single in 40% of
cases.
Singapore is a global, multicultural city-state
and very well connected to the rest of the world
both geographically and digitally. The total pop-
ulation is approximately 5.4 million (Depart-
ment of Statistics Singapore, 2013, p. v). In
1819, Singapore became a British colony and
was ruled as part of the British Empire (Teo,
2010, p. 339). Singapore was a trading settle-
ment and a popular migrant destination. Traders
and travelers brought with them Buddhist, Con-
fucian, Hindu, and Islamic ideals and traditions.
There was an increase of migrants, and this
resulted in a multicultural population numeri-
cally dominated by Chinese migrants. From the
early 19th century onward, Chinese religion took
root with the arrival of migrants from South
China (Kiong, 2008, p. 29). In 1963, Singapore
formed a union with Malaya and, after a turbu-
lent time, became independent in 1965 (Wong
& Yeoh, 2003, p. 3). In the 1960s, the city-state
became a financial hub, and in the subsequent 30
years it experienced rapid economic growth and
developed into a highly advanced, high-income
economy (Mahbubani, 2008, p. 54). Singapore
is characterized by a strong interventionist state
with regard to social policy and is therefore often
called a “nanny state” (Wong & Yeoh, 2003,
p. 5). The welfare system in Singapore is primar-
ily based on an informal support system in which
the family plays an important role.
The ethnic composition of the resident popu-
lation of Singapore consists of roughly 75% Chi-
nese, 15% Malay, 8% Indian, and 2% “others”
(Jones, 2012b, p. 89). Singlehood rates are espe-
cially high among the Chinese population. The
proportion of single Chinese women age 35–39
(19.9%) is twice as high as that for Malays
(9.2%). The proportion of singlehood among
Indians is only 6.2% (Jones, 2012c, p. 320). In
addition to the diversity among Singaporeans,
Singapore is the international financial center
of the region and a global city with a sig-
nificant expatriate society (Beaverstock, 2002,
p. 526). Fertility rates are especially low among
the Chinese Singaporean population. Chinese
Singaporeans are the biggest ethnic group in
Singapore, and therefore they are often seen as
“the mothers of the Asian Confucian nation”
(Lyons-Lee, 1998; Ramdas, 2012). Therefore,
in this study I focused on their experiences
but also involved informants of other ethnic
groups.
1110
The Family as an Anchor of Singaporean
Society
In both state and popular discourse the ide-
alized family is acknowledged as an essential
feature of Singapore’s rapid economic develop-
ment and the nation’s current well-being (Oswin,
2010, p. 132). The family as an anchor of soci-
ety is situated in Singapore’s national develop-
ment narrative. In this narrative it is emphasized
that Singapore is a small, vulnerable nation that
has overcome almost impossible economic chal-
lenges after its independence in 1965. The Peo-
ple’s Action Party government has been in power
since Singapore became independent and has
promoted this family ideal and narrative (Oswin,
2010, p. 132). The narrative claims that Sin-
gapore reached modernity and its current state
of well-being because of its distinct “Asian”
moral traditions. The government-shaped narra-
tive declares that Asian family values will pro-
tect society from the negative influence of “the
West” in the process of economic growth, rapid
urbanization, and industrialization. Asian fam-
ily values should therefore be protected (Teo,
2010, p. 340). Diverse definitions of Asian fam-
ily values have been used. The phrase usually
refers to influences by Confucianism, in particu-
lar related to filial piety, loyalty toward family,
and deference to authority. According to for-
mer Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew, Singapore
faces a constant challenge to keep using what
is good from the West, such as the technologi-
cal advances and a competitive spirit, and mix-
ing it with the values of the East. Values of the
West would be too individualistic and have dis-
astrous consequences, such as high divorce rates,
strong legal rights, protection of criminals over
the rights of crime victims, and a promiscuity in
sex and drugs (Huat, 2003, p. 23).
Because the fertility rate has been dropping,
marriage and childbearing are seen as ideal
behaviors that justify greater rewards for citi-
zens who adhere to them. Singaporean citizens
who are forming the ideal familial positions can
therefore claim “social goods.” The idealized
nuclear family, promoted through campaigns,
policies, and statements by national leaders, con-
sists of a relatively young, heterosexual, mar-
ried couple in which both the man and woman
are educated and employed (Teo, 2010, p. 338).
This nuclear family lives, in most cases, in a
modest but comfortable public flat acquired from
the Housing and Development Board (HDB).
Journal of Marriage and Family
The parents of the ideal couple are aging Sin-
gaporeans who built up the nation and who will
eventually live with them when they cannot take
care of themselves anymore. As long as they
are healthy and fit, they fulfill the key role of
grandparents. The high singlehood levels in Sin-
gapore are a big change from the universal mar-
riage pattern observed four to five decades ago
there (Eng, 1997; Jones, 2012b). Today, the gov-
ernment encourages family formation through
favorable housing policies and incentivizes sin-
gle university graduates to mingle and find a life
partner at dating events.
In the past, traditionally arranged marriages,
which served the interests of the extended fam-
ilies, were common in Singapore. When rapid
social and economic change began in the late
1960s and the 1970s due to industrialization
and modernization in Singapore, both men and
women gained more financial independence, and
they have increasingly taken the initiative to con-
trol who, whether, and when they will marry.
In 1961, the enforcement of monogamous mar-
riage was introduced (Chan & Xu, 2007, p. 92).
There was an increasing emphasis on affection,
companionship, mutual care, and romantic love.
Today, individuals in Singapore usually decide
who their marriage partner is, and people often
meet through their own social networks. This,
however, does not mean that familial notions are
unimportant. As Chan and Xu (2007, p. 101) out-
lined, family control and obligations are part of
the process of getting married as well.
Although perceptions of “ideal behavior” and
policies change over time because of demo-
graphic changes, the idea that a strong family
is essential for the future of Singapore remains.
According to the national narrative, reenacted by
Singapore’s leaders, this made Singapore unique
and allowed the country to stand out in the past,
which is why this asset should be kept, to main-
tain its success in the future. Pro-marriage and
pro-natal policies might not reverse the latest
demographic trends, but they have shaped norms
and ideals around marriage, childbearing, and
caregiving practices (Teo, 2010, p. 351).
Marrying Across the Border
The countries with the highest proportion of
international marriage in East and Southeast
Asia are Taiwan, Singapore, and South Korea
(Jones & Shen, 2008, p. 13). In Singapore, 40%
of all marriages involve a non-Singaporean
Single and the City
citizen (Jones, 2012a, p. 3). Ninety-seven
percent of males who marry internationally
marry Asian brides, whereas only 69% of
female citizens who marry internationally do
so. Twenty-five percent of the bridegrooms are
from the Americas, Europe, and Oceania (Jones,
2012a, p. 9). The dominant pattern is that male
Singaporeans are marrying foreigners (Yeoh,
Leng, & Dung, 2013, p. 145).
This difference can be partly explained by
the different profiles of male and female Singa-
porean citizens marrying non-Singaporeans. In
the case of males, 52.4% have a postsecondary
education or university education. Almost 75%
(74.7%) of females marrying non-Singaporeans
have these levels of education, and they are mar-
rying grooms with even higher levels of educa-
tion (Jones, 2012a, p. 9). The age gap between
Singaporean men and their foreign brides seems
to be wider compared to cases in which both
partners are Singaporean. Given the economic
and cultural realities in East Asian countries,
which includes Singapore, the use of marriage
brokers in arranging international marriages is
an option that serves the needs of “stranded”
males fairly well. Commercial matchmaking is
not as frequently considered as an option for
well-educated women.
Theoretical Perspective
The aim of this study was to analyze state influ-
ences on intimate relationships of young, sin-
gle, well-educated women in Singapore and the
experiences of these singles as outsiders to the
current ideal. The state is often envisioned as a
kind of political power or entity that ignores indi-
viduals and develops itself above individuals,
ignoring what these individuals are. In line with
Foucault, I see the state more as a sophisticated
structure, in which individuals can be integrated
as long as this individuality would be shaped
and submitted to a set of specific patterns (Fou-
cault, 1982, p. 783). Power relations are rooted
in the system of social networks (Foucault, 1982,
p. 793). This implies that power is not exer-
cised through a simple top-down structure but
rather through several institutions and different
tools. Seemingly benevolent institutions make
sure the state gains control over a population
that disciplines itself and attempts to use each
and every individual as part of this system (i.e.,
state control). To govern is to structure the possi-
ble field of actions. Governmentality has become
1111
the governing of mentalities, the shaping of the
minds of a population. Different social bodies,
such as family, the military, schools and the
police, assert power to ensure the maintenance
of productive relations and the mentalities that
self-govern individual subjects. This embodi-
ment of power structures and governing of men-
talities also apply to intimate relationships. Inti-
mate relations are thus not something strictly
personal or private but are regulated and influ-
enced by wider power structures (Rose, 2001, p.
2). In Singapore, this governing of mentalities is
actively visible in the idea that singles need help
finding a partner and therefore are encouraged to
marry and have children through various social
policies. In line with Foucault’s concept of gov-
ernmentality, I wanted to understand how power
is exercised through various social relations and
institutions in Singapore, for example, by family
members, friends, and dating agencies (Sharma
& Gupta, 2006, p. 25).
Couples as Norm for a Prosperous Society
In addition to the expression of sexual desire or
specific sexual practices, sexuality encompasses
a whole set of conventions that govern everyday
life. These conventions and norms dictate what
type of practices and sexualities are legitimate
and how they should be organized. The ways
in which an individual conducts his or her inti-
mate life leads to either the right to claim certain
privileges or to social marginalization. In this
study I assumed that a natural privilege is given
to dual heterosexual relationships at the expense
of all others (Foucault, 1984, p. 163). “One of
the defining norms of heterosexuality is that
it conventionally involves long-term, monoga-
mous relationships, often in which partners share
living space” (Budgeon, 2008, p. 302). Accord-
ing to DePaulo and Morris (2005, p. 58), the ide-
ology of marriage and coupling presupposes that
everyone desires a sexual partnership and that
a romantic sexual relationship is the only true
important personal relationship. The ideology
supports the idea that those who are in a romantic
relationship are significantly happier and more
fulfilled than those who are not (DePaulo & Mor-
ris, 2005, p. 57).
Budgeon (2008) referred to this as “couple
culture.” She argued that the couple culture
has such a privileged ideological force that its
status is rarely recognized or questioned. Peo-
ple currently not involved in a romantic sexual
1112
partnership can be targets of negative stereotyp-
ing, interpersonal rejection, and discrimination
(Byrne & Carr, 2005; Chasteen, 1994; DePaulo
& Morris, 2005; Reynolds & Wetherell, 2003;
Sandfield & Percy, 2003; Zajicek & Koski,
2003). Individuals who are not coupled often
have to explain their relationship status as if
it were a problematic condition. Married peo-
ple are not asked to account for their relation-
ship status because they are not in violation
of a taken-for-granted norm (DePaulo & Mor-
ris, 2005). Singleness can often be seen as an
“other,” stigmatized identity that has to be cor-
rected to conform with the norm.
In Singapore, social policies actively encour-
age singles to date, marry, and have children.
The social policies are intended to reinforce
the couple culture and the institution of mar-
riage by positively governing mentalities toward
coupled heterosexual relationships and, ideally,
marriage. On the other hand, the social norm
about the couple culture among family, friends,
and singles themselves strengthens the social
policies at work. Because coupling is seen as a
natural step in life, it reinforces the intentions of
the Singaporean state. Furthermore, the Singa-
porean government stimulates the existence of
a couple culture by having social policies that
encourage coupling and marriage.
Some scholars suggest that the conventional
norms and authorities that govern sexuality and
relationships are undergoing transformation in
late modern, capitalist societies. Individuals are
now able to question established norms. This
leads to a greater degree of choice regarding how
individuals can organize their sexual partner-
ships and personal relationships (Bauman, 2003;
Beck & Beck-Gernsheim, 1995; Giddens, 1992).
As a consequence, people are more and more
able to choose lifestyles and identities that exist
outside the taken-for-granted norm of the mar-
ried, coresident, heterosexual couple with chil-
dren. The aim of the current study was to address
a question that is less frequently reported in the
study of the personal realm, namely, what does
it mean not to be in a couple relationship?
An ethnographic approach is particularly
suited to study singleness and ideals about
family formation because it allows highly com-
plex and sensitive topics to be discussed and
framed in the social context. Furthermore, it
is an appropriate manner in which to examine
the process and meaning of family life in the
Singaporean context. This study complements
Journal of Marriage and Family
the existing literature in that it provides an
understanding of the definition of singleness
and its meaning to young single women in an
Asian context. Moreover, this study focused on
single women between age 25 and 30, an age
group not frequently represented in scholarly
articles about singleness in Asia. Also, although
family ideals are applicable to all Singaporeans,
it can be expected that this age group is most
often confronted with state policies regarding
family formation and marriage.
Singles in Singapore
In this study I investigated whether and how
young, well-educated single women in the mod-
ern, multi-ethnic city-state of Singapore experi-
ence family ideals and the extent to which they
can choose their own lifestyles and identities in
a context where there are social policies directed
at them. Although some scholars use the term
singles to refer to nonmarried people, all infor-
mants in this study were never-married individu-
als who were, according to their own definition,
not involved in a committed relationship and
therefore automatically not married. It is not my
aim to argue that Singapore is exclusive in hav-
ing a couple culture or in having matchmaking
initiatives directed at singles by the government.
This happens also in other East Asian countries,
such as Japan, China, and Taiwan. Compared to
other East Asian countries, however, Singapore
does have a wide-ranging set of pro-natalist poli-
cies as well as policies that are likely to influence
marriage more directly, such as the housing pol-
icy. Singles in Singapore cannot individually live
in government-subsidized flats until they are 35
years old. Furthermore, as a non-Western, mod-
ern, urbanized, industrialized society with a mix
of cultural traditions and a rich history of fam-
ily politics, a below-replacement fertility level,
and high nonmarriage rates, Singapore provides
a unique setting in which to explore questions
relating to intimate relationships in late modern
societies as well as the intersection of sexuality
and citizenship.
Family Politics in Singapore
The interest in family and singles throughout the
last decades of family politics in Singapore is
not a new phenomenon (Wong & Yeoh, 2003,
p. 5). In 1984, the Social Development Unit
(SDU) was created to stimulate “love matches”
Single and the City
among graduates. Until now, smaller families,
delayed marriage, and the prospect of an aging
population were the underlying reasons for the
pro-natal policies and the existence of the SDN.
In 1983, then-Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew
called special attention to the “graduate wom-
an” (Lyons-Lee, 1998, p. 1). These graduate
women, who delayed marriage and produced
fewer babies, were seen as a threat to Singa-
pore’s economic future and as acting against the
ideal of what a “good” woman should do. Lee
Kuan Yew emphasized that although all women
can be mothers, better educated women should
be mothers. On the basis of the assumption that
intelligence is genetically inherited, the ability
of Singapore to compete globally is dependent
on graduate women (Lyons-Lee, 1998, p. 2).
Because Chinese Singaporean women are part
of the majority group in Singapore, their behav-
ior of delaying marriage and having fewer babies
made them the biggest “risk” group for the over-
all fitness of the population (Rose, 2001, p. 7). In
contemporary Singapore, activities of the SDN
are intended not only for singles who have grad-
uated or for female graduates, but for all sin-
gle adult permanent residents of Singapore. The
SDN informs single graduates about upcom-
ing single events. Every student who graduates
automatically receives Duet magazine from the
SDN. In this magazine one can find grooming
tips, stories about singles, and tips about how
to prepare for dates. Aside from the magazine,
singles are informed about events via the SDN
website and through dating apps.
Housing as a Mode of Social Control
In addition to educational campaigns, SDN
events, Duet magazine, and financial bonuses
to start a family, one of the most profound and
direct ways in which the Singaporean govern-
ment incentivizes singles to marry is through
its housing policy. Housing interventions have
been significant modes of social control through
guarding the values relating to the ideal family,
which consists of a kinship group of a man,
wife, and children (Oswin, 2010, p. 136; Wong
& Yeoh, 2003, p. 46). In Singapore, 85% of
the population lives in housing provided by the
government. These HDB flats are in high-rise
apartments. As a single, a person may purchase
subsidized housing in an HDB flat only if he
or she is over 35 (Jones, 2012b, p. 91). This
incentivizes young couples to marry and settle
1113
down, given that the possibility of affording a
private house is limited by the scarcity of land
and the high prices of private houses (Ong,
2000, p. 50). Marriage and housing in Singapore
are closely related because the decision to marry
is often linked with one’s decision to leave the
family house. Furthermore, after marrying and
getting one’s own home, one is expected to
have children. Childless marriages are still not
socially acceptable and are rare (Jones & Gub-
haju, 2009, p. 237). This implies that all singles
under age 35 are affected by the housing policy
because it limits their opportunities to look
for a place to live on their own and therefore
encourages the sharing of a living space with
the nuclear family.
Although in many European countries, for
example, cohabitation is an accepted practice
for never-married couples, cohabitation is not a
traditional practice in Singapore. Current fam-
ily ideals reinforced by government policies
are hostile with regard to cohabitation. If one
wants to cohabit under the age of 35 with-
out being married or engaged, one has to pur-
chase expensive living space on the private
market.
Method
The empirical analysis drew on 28 semistruc-
tured, recorded interviews about Singaporeans’
views of their single relationship status, mar-
riage, dating, love, singleness, cohabitation, and
the interferences of the Singaporean state within
the realm of family life. These interviews were
conducted between August and December 2012
in Singapore. The results are also informed by
ethnographic fieldwork carried out by me dur-
ing the same time period. The data consisted
of recorded (focus group) interviews, informal
conversations, and participant observation dur-
ing leisure activities involving young Singa-
poreans as well as dating events and courses
on marriage and dating. The emphasis was on
leisure activities because dating events are only
a small part of the daily activities of most Singa-
porean singles. All names used in this article are
pseudonyms. All my informants actively use the
Internet and smartphones, and most of them are
well traveled. I recruited the respondents through
snowball sampling, mainly through informal
contacts of friends and fellow students at the
Asia Research Institute, but also by attending
(dating) events. The Asia Research Institute is
1114
part of the National University Singapore and
aims to be a world-leading hub of research
on Asia in the humanities and social sciences.
Because I am a young, White, and single Dutch
woman, most of the respondents were curious
about what brought me to Singapore. Explain-
ing my research usually generated a discus-
sion about singlehood and dating and often
resulted in new informants. In the beginning of
the research, I conducted interviews with men
and women of several ages to get a feel for
the topic, the research location, and the infor-
mants’ stories. During the data collection phase,
I decided that the focus of my research would be
on well-educated, single women between 25 and
30 years of age. I chose this category because,
together with low-educated men, they are statis-
tically the most likely to stay single. Moreover,
I found it an interesting age category because
such individuals are at a point in their lives when
they can still opt to settle down or to stay single.
They could tell me what their considerations are,
and I could follow their daily lives from a dis-
tance. Furthermore, this age category had been
subjected to policies directed at them or likely
will encounter these policies. In the first inter-
views, I also found out that this is an age category
in which women are seen as attractive and fit for
childbearing.
Finally, being a single women of this age cate-
gory myself made it easy to socialize with single
women and their friends. The majority (n = 15)
of the semistructured interviews and love his-
tories are from single, well-educated women
between 25 and 30. The majority of the people
I interviewed were Chinese Singaporean, but I
also interviewed three Indian Singaporeans and
three Malay Singaporeans.
In this research, I defined well educated as at
least enrolled in tertiary education, which in Sin-
gapore means university or a polytechnic school.
The respondents were, according to their own
definition, not involved in a committed relation-
ship during the time of the research. During my
research, I also interviewed some older single
women (n = 4), young men (n = 6), and dating
practitioners (i.e., those who organize dating
events and coach singles, n = 3). The interviews
usually lasted about 1 hour. The shortest inter-
view was 32 minutes, and the longest lasted over
3 hours. Most of the young women (n = 13) were
interviewed more than once. I also interviewed
some of them in a focus group or during leisure
activities in which both of us participated. To
Journal of Marriage and Family
Table 1. Characteristics of the Respondents (N = 28)
Characteristic n
Gender
Women 22
Men 6
Ethnicity
Chinese Singaporean 22
Malay Singaporean 3
Indian Singaporean 3
Age
25–30 17
30–40 6
>40 5
Household structure
Living with (grand)parents and/or siblings 21
Living independently 6
Other/unknown 1
get an idea of the overall situation in Singa-
pore, I interviewed at least one woman of the
three main ethnic groups in Singapore. The
majority (n = 26) of my respondents considered
themselves heterosexual; two of my respon-
dents self-identified as lesbian or bisexual. The
interviews were conducted in English and most
often took place in public spaces, such as cafés,
shopping malls, and parks. Informal talks and
electronic communication complemented the
interviews. At the end of every interview I asked
the respondent if he or she knew someone else
who fit the criteria and might be willing to
participate in my research (see Table 1).
The interviews started off with a topic list.
This included the person’s age, education level,
relationship status, household structure, and
occupation. I subsequently asked questions
regarding partner selection, the importance of
chemistry and romantic love in a relationship,
the state’s interference with singles’ lives, the
use of media in dating, the importance of form-
ing a family, dating opportunities in Singapore,
the overall fertility rate in Singapore, and per-
sonal future dreams and fears. These were the
standard topics I would discuss, and throughout
the research period I added new questions to ver-
ify whether other respondents had similar views
on new issues I discovered, such as whether
my respondents were interested in marrying
foreigners. In addition to the interviews, I took
field notes on conversations, informal talks, and
events I attended.
Single and the City
The interviews were transcribed in English,
and I coded them descriptively. Afterward, I also
described categories and added my field notes,
which discussed similar topics. Codes included,
for example, living situation, relationship sta-
tus, or ideas about romantic love. Through-
out the research, new codes and concepts that
were not initially included as topics, such as
“living abroad” or “equality in relationships,”
evolved naturally. Also, I used theoretical con-
cepts and coded the data I collected accordingly,
for instance, the concept of “couple culture” or
“governmentality”; this was done later in the
research process. I also studied the text and
examined where codes overlapped or were inter-
linked. The aim of this study was to describe
and understand how young, single women in
Singapore experience government interference
and how this interference is working out in
practice.
Results
Earlier research among singles in Singapore has
shown that most singles would like to have a
relationship and get married at some point in
their lives (National Population and Talent Divi-
sion, 2013). Although the institution of marriage
in the developed European countries, Japan,
and the United States appears to be weakening
(e.g., Gubernskaya, 2010; Retherford, Ogawa, &
Matsukura, 2001), this seems to not be the case
in Singapore, even though marriage is increas-
ingly delayed. The top three reasons singles
mentioned for not marrying yet were (a) not hav-
ing met a suitable partner, (b) having the desire
to focus on career or studies first, and (c) not
having enough money (Jones, Zhang, & Chia,
2012; National Population and Talent Division,
2013).
Most of my informants agreed with earlier
studies and mentioned that they would like to
get married. Only one informant clearly stated
that she never wants to get married. In the
following sections, I outline the research find-
ings. First, I zoom in on the experiences of my
informants with regard to dating events orga-
nized by accredited dating agencies and how
they view this in relation to concepts of roman-
tic love. I then discuss the current housing pol-
icy. Last, I examine the influences of family and
friends on the experiences of single women in
Singapore.
1115
SDU = Single, Desperate, and Ugly?
Welcome to this single board game event. This
afternoon you will have the opportunity to play,
mix and get to know fellow singles! Have fun!
The dating counselor welcomes the 30 young
Singaporeans in a small café surrounded by
skyscrapers on a Sunday afternoon. In the café
there are five tables, each surrounded by six curi-
ous singles. Next to me are two Chinese Sin-
gaporean women wearing cute summer dresses,
ready to start the afternoon. On the other side
of the table are three Chinese Singaporean men.
No one dares to talk. Eyes stare at the ceil-
ing. My fingers fiddle about in my bag. Silence.
After a couple of never-ending, silent minutes
the waitress arrives and refills our empty soda
cups. Finally, one of the men asks the woman
next to me, “What is your name?”
Her name is Jing, and she is 27 years old. She
is a teacher, lives with her family in an HDB flat,
and loves air conditioning. She is trying to find
her Mr. Right at this dating event, which has been
organized by a dating agency accredited by the
SDN. It is her first time at a dating event. In Sin-
gapore, there are 10 accredited dating agencies
(Ministry of Social and Family Develop-
ment; see http://app.msf.gov.sg/Policies/Dating-
Industry-Services/Registry-of-Dating-Agencies).
The dating agencies are accredited by SDN to
ensure that their services are safe and profes-
sional and meet the standards of the clients.
Dating agencies and dating practitioners have
to complete a course to obtain the certificate. In
this section, I elaborate on SDN events and how
my informants experienced them.
Dating events organized by dating agencies
range from dance classes, hikes, and drinks in
fancy hotels to board game events on a Sun-
day afternoon. During the weekends, there is a
wide range of activities available for interested
singles. The organization of SDN events with
accredited dating agencies and indirect forms
of subsidies can be seen as a system of leaner
government (Sharma & Gupta, 2006, p. 21).
This means that the accredited dating agencies
are not part of the formal state apparatus and
therefore are guided by logic that is compara-
ble to that of an enterprise. Dating agencies are
“autonomous” entities that are responsible for
activities previously carried out by state agen-
cies. As one dating counselor explained, “They
[the government] help to promote the awareness
1116
of dating agencies, they help to advertise, but
they do not give us direct subsidy or pay 10
or 15 percent of our operation costs, no they
do not.”
This makes the state’s interference seem less
direct because it does not organize one-on-one
events any more as it did during the time of
the SDU. As Lemke (2001, p. 201) indicated,
the neoliberal agenda for the “withdrawal of the
state” can be interpreted as a technique of
government. It does not necessarily lead to less
regulation or a weaker state. In fact, this gover-
nance at a distance still makes sure that certain
norms about the appropriate visitor are carried
forward without direct governance interference.
Not everybody who is in Singapore can visit the
dating events that are advertised by the SDN.
Accredited dating agencies need to present
a list of terms and conditions to the visitors.
The terms and conditions mainly concern the
type of packages sold, whether the information
they show is correct, or how the privacy of the
customer is protected (or not). Finally, they
also check to verify whether the terms and
conditions are sufficiently fair. If you plan to
visit events by the dating agency Loveexpress,
you have to declare that you are not married,
that you are a Singaporean or a Permanent
Resident in Singapore, and that you are at least
20 years old (e.g., Loveexpress, see http://www.
loveexpress.com.sg/NewMember/regtnc.aspx).
To visit Champagne JSG events, you have to
declare that you are “sound in mind and body,
unattached/unmarried and that you are free to
form a relationship.” To visit events by Cham-
pagne JSG you also have to affirm that you are
“not a homosexual, have no criminal records
and that you are not bankrupt” (http://www.
champagnejsg.com/download/CJSG0903_R5_
T&C%20_events.pdf). Homosexuality is illegal
in Singapore, and homosexuals are thus not
encouraged to mix and mingle at events (Oswin,
2010, p. 132). This example shows that mundane
daily practices, such as subscribing to a dating
event, perpetuate prevailing family ideals and
governance in a mundane setting. The accred-
ited dating agencies make a clear distinction
based on sexuality, age, and residential status to
determine who is allowed to attend the events.
Through these accrediting dating agencies the
government “decides” who is supposed to form
a family.
An advantage of third parties carrying out dat-
ing events is that the negative image of events
Journal of Marriage and Family
organized by the government can more easily
be altered. In the next section, I elaborate on
the current image of SDN events. Not only is
the image of the events themselves relevant, but
also the potential visitor is essential in deciding
whether to attend an SDN event. All of my infor-
mants knew of the existence of the SDN dating
events and most of them received Duet maga-
zine and browsed through it on delivery. Several
of my informants also went to dating events or
were curious and wanted go at some point. One
of the reasons they (wanted to) go is to meet
new people outside the social network they were
familiar with. Twenty-five-year-old Valeria rec-
ognizes that “it is harder to make friends after
you leave school.” She went on a date organized
by an agency in order to write a column about it
and because she was curious. Valeria explained
to me that the most common way to find dates
in Singapore is via friends while participating
in group activities. She usually likes doing that,
because friends know both people and might be
able to make a good match, but it can be very
exhausting, too. She thinks most singles in Sin-
gapore are not very open to blind dates, because
they can be awkward. However, it can also be an
advantage if you do not know each other:
Actually I think it is more embarrassing if your
friends are around. Their looks can be uncomfort-
able, or they make you guys sit together. Some-
times it is better if it is just the two of you so you
can relax. Also, if it is a friend of a friend and it
does not work out, then it might be awkward later
as you might see that person again.
An advantage of dating via a dating agency
is that it is more anonymous and you can leave
easily. A disadvantage, according to Valeria, is
that dating with the help of dating agencies is
expensive, especially for girls, because there are
more single women signing up than men: “Ten
dates with guys would cost about SG $1,800
for a woman. For men, it is only about SG
$1,000. I would have a date at this restaurant and
meet the guy there.” (At the time of publication,
SGD 1 ≈ 0.74 USD.) Dating with the help of
accredited dating agencies is not something my
informants did on a daily basis. Dating activities
could enlarge the singles’ opportunities to meet
each other so they can form couples. However,
the investment costs for singles are fairly high
and thus limit their possibilities to attend the
events.
Single and the City
Several of my informants did not mind
that the dating agencies that organize events
receive support from the government. It is
not mandatory to attend, so most of my infor-
mants laughed about it and ignored the actual
invitations. Twenty-seven-year-old Chinese
Singaporean Charmaine said she does not mind
either that there are policies to encourage people
to get together:
They will create more chances for people to meet
up, so I guess in a way it might help. It is a good
start, but like I said, if it is comparable with my
experience then it is a little hard. Because what
happened is, these guys, they just keep going for
the events at SDN until they find someone.
She thus does not care that the service
exists, but she questions the effectiveness of
the events. Two good Chinese Singaporean
friends, Amanda and Hui Min, have had similar
experiences. They do not believe they will ever
find a suitable partner at SDN events. They
said that SDU stands for “Single, Desperate
and Ugly.” Amanda and Hui Min went to a
Harry Potter movie preview once. Amanda said,
“It was really socially awkward” and Hui Min
added, “Freaky. The guys would come really
really close to you and they did not get the
cues that I was not interested.” The events have
a negative image for most of the singles, and
therefore they do not have high expectations of
finding a suitable partner there, but if some other
singles find a partner there, it is good for them,
and they do not really care that the government
supports it. Hui Min, laughing, told me, “These
singles need all the help they can get, so it is
OK.” Hui Min reinforced the couple culture by
acknowledging that it is good for other singles
to find a partner at the SDN events. She would
like to find a partner herself, too, but not at an
SDN dating event.
Fellow singles perceived the event attendees
as “others”; they did not associate themselves
with the attendees. Overall, most informants did
not care that agencies exist that organize the
events, but they will not attend. However, if
others are willing to go, then that was fine with
them. One informant who was more outspoken
about the government support for dating events
was the Chinese Singaporean Deborah:
I think it is embarrassing that the government does
that (supporting events for singles). It is a personal
thing to date or not, and to have babies later. This
1117
is not something the government has to decide for
its people.
The Singaporean government takes advantage
of and reinforces the ideas of the couple culture
by supporting the organization of dating events.
The SDN uses ideas and images of romantic
love and couple culture to encourage singles to
attend dating events and to strengthen their fam-
ily politics. The awkwardness that might occur
with organized dating events is the main rea-
son why Monica, a single Chinese–Singaporean
writer, does not like organized dating. To her,
this “engineered” dating feels unnatural, artifi-
cial, and counterintuitive compared to the “real”
romantic notions of love. “Real” romantic love
is considered spontaneous and mysterious and
is supposed to develop organically, not be engi-
neered in a dating event (Illouz, 2007, p. 90). As
Monica explained,
I prefer to get things done organically for now. I
think I stay away from institutions to match people
together after some sad experiences with online
dating in the United States. I find it really awkward
to experience it in that way. I [would] rather meet
someone naturally and see how things go. I think I
would feel that kind of awkwardness if I went to a
dating agency or an SDN event. It is something that
some people get over, it happens to everyone, but
for me it was always a huge frustration, something
I was really disturbed by.
Monica thus questioned the authenticity of the
dating events and rejected the possibility that
the government could provide a spouse for her.
Both the dating events and Monica share ideals
about couple culture and romantic love. How-
ever, in this case the ideals do not match, and
so Monica does not attend the events. Valeria,
too, had had enough of the dating events for a
while:
The dates that I had were … how to say this …
there was no chemistry. Also, one guy was quite
rude. On the first date, you usually do not really
want to reveal too much about yourself, right, so
I talked about regular stuff and ask what he did
during the weekend. Then he told me I was very
uptight. This was very offensive to me.
Valeria said that there was no chemistry; she
did not feel a connection or form of romantic
love, which she does regard as important when
she is looking for a partner.
1118
Housing
In addition to educational campaigns, SDN
events, and financial bonuses to start a family,
one of the most prominent ways in which the
Singaporean government incentivizes singles
to marry is through its housing policy. In Sin-
gapore, 85% of the population lives in housing
provided by the government. These HDB flats
are in high-rise apartments usually between 12
and 40 stories tall. As mentioned earlier, singles
can purchase an HDB flat if they are over age 35.
Over 81% of the population in Singapore owns
an HDB flat, whereas only a small percentage
is renting (Ong, 2000, p. 51). This incentivizes
young couples to marry and settle down. If a
couple is engaged, they can apply for a flat under
the Fiancé/Fiancée Scheme, which shortens the
time on the waiting list and makes it possible
to move in once the couple is actually married.
This implies that all singles under age 35 are
affected by the housing policy because it limits
their opportunities to look for a place to live on
their own. In the following, I elaborate on what
these policies mean for singles and how they are
interlinked with social norms about moving out
of the family home.
All of my single informants under age 35
lived with their families, most of them in an
HDB flat. Some shared their flats with several
generations under one roof. In Singapore, young
people normally leave home only for studies
(abroad) or marriage. Narratives about marriage
and housing are indivisibly linked in Singapore,
and conversations about one can easily lead to
the other (Teo, 2010, p. 343). Teo’s (2010) find-
ings revealed that marriage and childbearing are
not only desirable behaviors but also taken for
granted as natural life paths by most of his infor-
mants. The HDB’s familial orientation is seen
as inevitable, necessary, and part of a very Sin-
gaporean process. The process consists of the
application for an HDB flat, having the “cus-
tomary” wedding ceremony, and then moving
into the new home (Teo, 2010, p. 345). In addi-
tion to the house that a marriage would provide,
Teo’s informants also underlined the importance
of romantic love for their marriage. The singles I
interviewed were currently not in a relationship
and were thus further away from the “natural”
step to marry and obtain their own living space,
until they turned 35. Most of my informants did
not question the social policy, but there were
mixed experiences of what it meant for them on
a daily basis. The Indian–Singaporean Lavitha
Journal of Marriage and Family
explained that she finds it unnecessary to leave
home, because Singapore is not very big; she
has to travel only 1 hour to get to university.
She might enjoy sharing a place with friends,
but “it is an unnecessary spending.” At the time
of her interview, Valeria also saw moving out as
redundant:
In Europe or America, people move from the sub-
urbs to the city and then they live together, but in
Singapore everything is so compact, so there really
is not a need to move out I guess, unless you really
value your independence.
Valeria did not see many disadvantages of liv-
ing with her mother and brother at the moment:
Usually parents will leave and give you your pri-
vacy. Furthermore, Singaporeans of my age travel
a lot and go for short trips to have more free-
dom. Moreover, it is normal that singles live with
their parents, it is quite uncommon if someone
moved out.
These cases show that the field of actions of
singles is framed by the social and legal rules
about housing in Singapore. Furthermore, the
mentalities of Singaporeans are governed in such
a way that it is considered normal to live with
the extended family until one marries. This is a
self-governing principle that the state uses and
also reinforced by a combination of the ide-
als of the couple culture and the meanings of
marriage in Singapore. As the example of Vale-
ria shows, some singles adhere to these ideals
too. Others, like the Chinese–Singaporean Char-
maine, partially agree or are limited by practical
reasons.
Charmaine liked the convenience of living
with her family because someone does the
chores and the laundry:
But if I can, I would actually prefer to stay by
myself, to have my own space. It is getting a bit
crowded at home. It is OK to share the room with
my sister and I think it is very hard to find a place.
I think it is quite expensive to rent an apartment.
Charmaine was considering moving out in
about 3 years, when her sister will be out of
university and the family will not have to con-
tribute to her tuition fees anymore. Then she
can find an affordable place. Other informants
had a stronger sentiment about living with their
parents. In particular, singles who have lived
Single and the City
on their own (e.g., abroad) find it sometimes
limiting to live with their family (again). Sarah
explains:
I was like “Ooh my god.” I have to live with my
parents again after three or four years of utter
freedom?! That was really hard actually. Housing
is the main challenge as single. I told you right?
About me and my gay friend that pretend to get
married?
Teacher Li Ying had a strong sentiment about
living with her parents. As an only child, she
found it repressive:
I find it quite repressive to live with my parents,
basically because it is their home and they [call]
the shots. I don’t get to do what I want and I
get nagged at all the time. And it’s getting very
irritating because I am 25 and like, I like to be as
free as I want in my own home. That surveillance
thing, these constant watching eyes, I don’t like it
at all.
When I asked 27-year-old young profession-
als Xiao Ming and Eric if they would like to
move out, Xiao Ming replied, “I would like to
move out, but it is not feasible both family-wise
and financially; the family would get upset and
I would be broke.” I asked him how upset the
family would be. Eric answered, “On a scale
of one to extremely? Extremely! The culture in
Singapore is that if you, at least for a Chinese
Singaporean, leave your parents before you get
married [it] is kind of disrespectful.” Xiao Ming
added, “Usually the kid leaves the home when
there is a problem. That is just the context, so
if you leave the home, other people view it as a
family problem.”
These conversations demonstrate that leaving
the house before marriage is uncommon in Sin-
gapore, yet some singles would like to move out
of their parents’ homes. Unfortunately, this often
is not possible because of the financial and social
costs.
Cohabitation
Cohabitation is not a traditional practice in Sin-
gapore, and information about never-married
Singaporean adults is limited (Jones, 2012b, p.
92). Jones’s (2012b) study suggested that cohab-
itation as a new form of couple relationship is
acceptable to many singles and that it might not
be so rare in practice. Cohabitation as a practice
1119
seems to be more acceptable especially for men.
In the present study, however, it seemed that sin-
gles did not mind the idea of cohabiting, but it
was not a common practice. As the 27-year-old
Chinese–Singaporean Eric explained, “Cohabit-
ing does not exist here, but you can get married
without cohabiting. Cohabiting is not even in the
consideration because it does not exist.”
The Indian–Singaporean Lavitha also
expressed that her parents would not approve if
she lived together with her boyfriend before she
married:
The Indian community in Singapore is quite small
and we sort of know most of the people. So if
someone finds out that I am being immoral, this is
considered immoral right, not being married and
staying with a guy? It is immoral and socially it is
not acceptable. So if someone in the community
finds out, they talk bad about you.
Contrary to the societal norms, Lavitha
would not mind living with a guy outside of
Singapore before she is married. She thinks
it is a good way to get to know a person, but
not in Singapore, because there it would cause
people to talk about you. The 25-year-old
Chinese–Singaporean Sarah also does not mind
living together before marriage, as long as it is
abroad. She lived together with her boyfriend
in the United Kingdom for 2 years when she
studied there.
In European countries there has been an
increase in cohabitation and childbearing within
cohabiting units (Perelli-Harris & Sánchez
Gassen, 2012, p. 435). This implies that mar-
riage is not necessarily linked to the ability to
have a house or children with one’s partner. The
order in which these events occur can be altered.
It remains important to form a couple, but not
necessarily to marry. In Singapore, coupling
alone is not enough to gain the benefits a mar-
ried couple receives. The Singaporean state’s
policies are in line with the couple culture in the
sense that they stimulate marriage. However,
they also contradict the couple culture because
they discourage cohabitation.
As I discussed in the preceding section, mar-
riage is closely linked to being able to have your
own living space in Singapore. Singaporeans
therefore joke that a marriage proposal nowa-
days is asking your partner, “Wanna flat?” Aside
from the rule that one has to be married to be
able to apply for a subsidized flat, this ideal is
also sustained by societal norms, given that it
1120
is considered peculiar to move out of the house
in Singapore before one is married. The hous-
ing policy and the societal norms reinforce each
other. Singles are thus governed not only by
the state but also by their family members and
the wider community. While asserting the influ-
ence of social policies, I use the term power in
a Foucauldian sense. This means that power is
exercised not so much from above but laterally,
insofar as the process of self- and mutual surveil-
lance, normalization, and examination depends
upon subjects’ participation (Teo, 2010, p. 352).
In the case of the housing policy in Singapore,
the policy and the societal norms of the fam-
ily reinforce each other. Living with the fam-
ily is normalized not only by the policies but
also by the comments and expectations of family
members. Leaving the family would be weird,
frowned upon and, in this case, self-governed.
This is the case not only in regard to cohabitation
but also marriage. In the next section, I discuss
how marriage and coupling is encouraged not
only by the Singaporean state but also by family
members, friends, and singles.
Good Friends Do Not Let Other Friends
Stay Single
Are you single? Yes, I am single. They all go
“Ooooh.” Now there is an ongoing office pool in
which everyone would pay ten dollars and they bet
on the ethnicity of the person that I am going to
marry. And then they said: “If you stay single by
30, you can collect the pool.
Laughing about the incident, the Chinese–
Singaporean Mei Ling did not give much weight
to what happened on her first day at the office.
Nevertheless, this incident shows that it is con-
sidered normal in Singapore that a 29-year-old
woman has a partner or is looking for one. Not
having a partner is “weird,” and people want to
match you with other singles. This contrasts with
the idea that intimate relations are disconnected
from traditional bonds in late modern societies,
as Giddens (1992) proposed, because being sin-
gle and supposedly disconnected is seen as
an undesirable relationship status. Furthermore,
there is a specific age category attached to this
idea, as Mei Ling explained:
You would think of yourself as marketable as
single in your child-bearing years. And attractive
child-bearing years are even a smaller subset of
Journal of Marriage and Family
time. Everyone says that is somewhere between
your early twenties and your thirties.
The Indian–Singaporean Lathika explained how
her single status was currently not a problem
because she is only 25 years old and has an older
single sister:
In Hindu culture, you have to go through hierarchy,
so the oldest one gets married first, then leaves
the house and then the next one marries. I’m the
third child, so I still have my elder sister with me.
I am safe.
Lathika was not necessarily waiting to get
married; she was studying and wanted to focus
on her career. But when I asked if she wanted
to marry later in life she laughed and replied, “I
cannot be single, I have a big family [also two
younger sisters] and there are a lot of people
with me.” Because Lathika is considered fairly
young, it is accepted that she is single. There is
no hurry to find a partner yet, but if her older sis-
ter is married and she does not find someone, her
mother might help to look for a partner, either
online or through family friends or acquain-
tances. The case of Lathika is in line with Ram-
das’s (2012, p. 842) argument that singlehood in
Singapore is not an individual experience but a
familial one, tied to notions of care and responsi-
bility to the nuclear and extended families. Lath-
ika’s mother also expresses concern for all her
daughters: “Ooh how am I going to find guys
for them?” Lathika does not understand her con-
cern: “Why does she want to find us guys? We
can find them ourselves, right?!” The idea that
one is regarded as incomplete without a part-
ner is found not only in the Indian community;
Chinese and Malay Singaporeans also encounter
questions about their marital status from their
family members. As mentioned earlier, it is con-
sidered normal to get married and make your
next step in life, to buy an HDB flat, and have
children. Jonathan indignantly described how
his father said, “Now you found a job, time to
find a girlfriend, marry and apply for an HDB.”
Most of the data from my interviews showed
that having a relationship is viewed as a step
toward adulthood in Singapore. Marriage in
Singapore has meanings related to respon-
sibility, childbearing, and housing. They are
closely linked. Children born out of wedlock
remain, like in other East Asian societies,
rare (Jones, 2012c, p. 317). This link among
marriage, childbearing, and housing is not so
Single and the City
clearly visible in, for example, European coun-
tries. In Singapore, marriage remains important
for adulthood, and, as the previous examples
show, friends and family also exert pressure on
individuals regarding finding a partner.
The previous examples show that the pres-
sure to get married or to find a partner comes
not only from social bodies directly related to
the state but also from family members, friends,
colleagues, and other singles. The government
housing policy, SDN events, and peer groups can
all be seen as social bodies that reinforce the idea
that family ideals are important. The prevalence
of the couple culture shows how the modern
sovereign state and the autonomous individual
codetermine each other’s emergence and, in this
way, reinforce each other (Lemke, 2001, p. 191).
This finding contradicts Jones et al.’s (2012) ear-
lier study on singlehood. They argued that most
singles in their 30s have not felt a very strong
social and familial pressure to marry. The dis-
crepancies in the data can be explained by the
age difference in the studies’ samples. This study
focuses on the stories of single women between
25 and 30, whereas Jones et al. interviewed sin-
gles between ages 30 and 44. The latter group
of singles are regarded as relatively “old” for
courting and childbearing and might therefore be
exempt from questions about their relationship
status by their family members and friends.
Romance in Singapore
In many conversations, my female informants
complained about the standardized dates they
had with “boring, local guys,” where you would
“just go for another movie or dinner.” As men-
tioned earlier regarding SDN events, the idea
that events are organized and planned for the pur-
pose of meeting fellow singles was perceived as
a reason not to attend the dating events accred-
ited by the SDN.
Several of my informants agreed that romance
in Singapore was lacking, partly because of
its environment and the behavior of the people
themselves. Andrew, a 39-year-old single who
works in the financial industry, said he thought
that the perfect date does not even exist in
Singapore:
It only exists in Europe, because it involves horses,
and hills and picnics and castle ruins. A lot of
activities when we were younger we could not do
[in Singapore], because they are too expensive.
1121
Even after growing up, it is still the same, there
are not many places you can go.
Twenty-seven-year-old Malay–Singaporean
Sharifah shared that she does not see much
romance around her in Singapore:
People here are not expressive, they are not roman-
tic in a sense. So when you talk about sex life, num-
ber one it is boring, number two, the men really
need some lessons, and number three, we don’t
have time. I think the only romantic day in Sin-
gapore would be Valentine’s Day.
Haut (2003) pointed out that Singapore is
a society with a strong consumerist mentality.
In cultures where capitalism and emotions are
highly intertwined, emotions have become enti-
ties to be evaluated, discussed, bargained, and
commodified (Illouz, 2007, pp.108–109). This
leads to a hyperrationality and makes finding a
suitable partner problematic because one is not
easily satisfied. The language used by my infor-
mants and dating counselors suggested the inter-
twining of economic rationalism while looking
for love. Valeria explains:
I feel like buying a car. You don’t buy the first
one that you try, right? You test several, but then
you choose the best. Sometimes I wonder, in the
time that you try the other cars, the best one might
already be bought by someone else. If you are
choosing someone, the other has to choose you
as well.
Despite the attempts to romanticize Singa-
pore, through a campaign on Valentine’s day as
well as the abundance of dating and love courses
and events available, several of my informants
experienced a lack of romance and romantic
expression in Singapore. They told me that a
lot of dates are standardized, not romantic and
spontaneous as a date ideally should be. This is
one of many reasons why several of my infor-
mants did not attend events organized by dating
agencies accredited by the SDN. This creates a
paradox in the narrative about romance and love.
On the one hand, the Singaporean state uses sto-
ries of romance and love to strengthen its nar-
rative about family ideals. On the other hand,
these ideas about romance and love make Sin-
gaporean women feel unsatisfied with potential
partners, and therefore they start looking out-
side Singapore. Some of my informants said they
1122
found local Singaporean men boring, unimagi-
native, and unromantic. They were looking for
romantic experiences with foreign men. This
is an unintended side effect, that is, that these
women might leave Singapore and give birth
outside Singapore. In the next section, I dis-
cuss what some of the reasons are to love “the
other.”
Loving “the Other”
In line with the findings of Jones and Shen (2008,
p. 16) and Yeoh et al. (2013), several of my infor-
mants were looking for qualities in their partners
that were, according to their belief, increasingly
hard to find in local men or women. Some men
were looking for “traditional wives,” and several
women were looking for “modern husbands”
from outside Singapore. Several of my female
informants pointed out that the so-called “mar-
riage package” was not appealing to them. They
did not see themselves working full time, taking
care of their husband, their children, and possi-
bly their own parents and/or their parents-in-law.
Singaporean men complain that local women are
selfish, calculatory, consumerist, career oriented,
and unwilling to fulfill the traditional female
roles of raising children and taking care of the
family. The shrinking pool of women who meet
the expectations of Singaporean men, and vice
versa, is one of the reasons why many Singa-
poreans are looking for foreign partners. Despite
the negative responses women receive for dat-
ing Caucasian men, and being called deroga-
tory names such as “Sarong Party Girls” (SPGs),
several informants liked dating Caucasian men.
Valeria explained the definition of an SPG: “It
is an Asian girl who only dates White men. She
does not even bother to date local men, she dates
White men usually because she perceives them
to be rich.” According to Valeria, it is a myth that
girls are interested in only the money and the sta-
tus of Ang moh (Caucasian men). Singaporean
women are also interested in these men because
they think Caucasian men have more egalitarian
gender ideals: “A Singaporean guy’s mindset can
be quite traditional. They want to be the leader.
We women want to be equal. [Western] guys do
not expect girls to serve them and tend to be more
open minded.”
In the last 4 years, Sarah has not been on
dates with any Chinese–Singaporean man, but
mostly with European men. When I asked her
Journal of Marriage and Family
whether she considered herself an SPG, she
answers:
A lot of my friends tease me. I attract a lot of White
people, I think they like that I am homely in the
sense that I can cook, I can clean, I want children
and family means a lot to me. That is the very
Asian part about me. But I am open in the sense
that I like drinking, smoking and partying. I have
not fallen for a single Chinese guy. It is just what
happens that I try more White guys.
Three years ago, the Malay–Singaporean Shar-
ifah stopped dating Malay–Singaporean men
because in her experience they cheat on women,
and she sees them as “male chauvinist pigs.”
Sharifah likes to travel to Europe and South
America because there are a lot of attractive men
who are not as arrogant as the ones in Singapore
and are more expressive “romantically and sexu-
ally.” Her next trip has a special purpose, Shari-
fah explained: “I decided to travel for love, so my
next destination is Turkey. They look European
and they are Muslims.”
Whereas Sharifah and Sarah have both dated
Singaporean and non-Singaporean men, the
Indian Devi never had a boyfriend. When
I asked Devi if she would like to date a
Chinese–Singaporean, she expressed a pref-
erence for Ang moh men because of the cultural
background of an Ang moh man:
I am definitely open to an Asian guy who knows
how to treat a woman properly and is willing to
listen to my opinion. I think it is just an Asian
mindset, this specific look, being the sole bread-
winner of the family.
As these examples indicate, several of my
informants believed that non-Singaporean men
are a more suitable partner because they would
have an egalitarian relationship with them, and
they would be more romantic than Singaporean
men. The idealization of “other” men hints
at Singaporean women’s struggle with con-
tradicting gender ideals of how to be a good
Singaporean woman, as was also mentioned by
Yeoh et al. (2013). On the one hand, women are
expected to study, have a career, and develop
themselves as autonomous, critical people,
whereas on the other hand, it is expected that in
a relationship one should not be too expressive,
earn less than the partner, and not drink, smoke,
or party too much. In addition to the gender ide-
als, the interviewed women hoped to find some
Single and the City
form of romantic love or romantic expression.
They believed it is easier to find this among
foreigners than local men. The “Romancing
Singapore” campaign and the emphasis on the
importance of romantic ideals in Singaporean
society thus seem to be effective to the extent
that people adhere to it. Nevertheless, it also
has an unintended side effect, namely, that Sin-
gaporeans are looking for fulfillment of these
ideals outside of Singapore.
Discussion
In this study, I showed how singles in Singa-
pore are viewed by the government as subjects
to be governed. The low fertility rate and the
aging population in Singapore are perceived as
a threat to the future of the city-state, which is
economically dependent on its human capital.
Singles are actively encouraged to marry and
start a family. This encouragement is mainly vis-
ible through the SDN events and Singapore’s
housing policy. Despite the governmental poli-
cies, the average age of marriage is delayed, and
singlehood rates are among the highest in the
world. Highly educated women and lower edu-
cated men in particular are likely to stay single.
Nevertheless, singlehood rates have stabilized
in recent years, and, in comparison with other
urban East Asian cities, the rates could have been
higher. This might indicate that the government
policies are indeed tempering singlehood rates.
This ethnographic study looked at the daily
experiences of young, well-educated, single
women in Singapore because they are the tar-
get group of the SDN’s services and they are
restricted from buying a subsidized flat. This
makes this demographic group more likely to
be adversely affected by state policies and to
have a more informed opinion. In this article
I have argued that, despite the high single-
hood rates in Singapore, family ideals remain
important. Without a spouse, one is regarded
as incomplete. Foucault’s (1982, 1984) idea of
governmentality and Budgeon’s (2008) idea of
couple culture enabled me to understand how
family ideals in Singapore are not only fueled
by the governmental policies but also enacted
and reinforced through family, friends, singles
themselves, dating agencies, and ideals about
romance and love. One of the most prominent
ways of governing the single population in
Singapore is through the housing policy. The
housing policy affected most of my informants
1123
directly because the majority were under age
35 and lived with their family; they could not
afford their own living space on the private
market. Whereas the housing policy influenced
my informants, the organized SDN events and
calls to participate in dating events were mostly
laughed at and often ignored by my informants.
Most of them nevertheless adhered to family
ideals and wanted to find a partner and get
married, preferably before they are too old, and
with elements of romantic love.
Despite women’s financial independence and
relative freedom to choose their own partner,
marrying is expected, by family members,
friends, the state, and singles themselves. This
shows that the bond of marriage is still relevant
in Singapore’s modern industrialized society.
This leads to contradictory expectations for
women, who are encouraged to excel in their
careers and compete in the global economy but
must not forget to “produce” babies, preferably
with a Singaporean man or Permanent Resident
of Singapore. The narratives of the singles show
a complex picture of both contradictions and
congruence. The government may effectively
affect individuals in certain ways, whereas in
other aspects of life individuals may act in a
manner that is opposite to what the government
expects. The governmental policies, familial
expectations, and the future ideals of singles
are in line with the ideas of couple culture.
They all emphasize the importance of romantic
love and a personal relationship with one part-
ner. One could expect that in a society where
couple culture is regarded as important, living
together with one’s partner would be accepted.
In Singapore this is not the case until one is
married. Both family members and the state
do not encourage cohabiting, although several
of my informants indicated that it would be
something they could consider if it were prac-
tically feasible. Despite the increased attention
on coupling and romantic love, this example
shows that having a relationship or a partner is
not regarded as sufficient; one has to be married
to be fully acknowledged as part of a couple and
to be able to benefit from state policies.
In line with Teo (2010, p. 352) and the ideas
of governmentality, I have further argued that
the strict rules and the repetitive rhetoric about
family as well as relentless interventions by the
Singaporean state do not per se build a strong
state. Instead, it is the regularity and predictabil-
ity of the relationship between the state and
1124
individuals, the way family politics generate cer-
tain mechanical habits, and the way that social
norms are taken for granted that truly gives form
to the state as an institutional disciplinary entity.
Future Research
It should be noted that this study’s focus
on young, highly educated, heterosexual
Chinese–Singaporean women excludes sin-
gle men and women with a different educational
background, ethnicity, or sexuality. The percep-
tions of these men and women on issues about
singleness and romantic love are highly worthy
of study because they play an important role in
understanding the current and future situation
of Singapore. This applies also to other Asian
cities as well, such as Seoul, Tokyo, Taipei,
Hong Kong, Shanghai, and other late modern
societies with increasing singlehood rates. Fur-
thermore, family members of singles should be
studied. The increasing numbers of singles have
dramatic consequences for the organization of
society: spatially, socially, and politically. To
understand and possibly alter the consequences
of this international trend, further research is
needed. Particular attention should be directed
to the role of ethnicity and policies regarding
international marriage and the view of men,
because their stories have been understudied.
Note
This research was conducted while I was a student at Utrecht
University and a visiting scholar at the Asia Research Insti-
tute (ARI), National University of Singapore. This article
would not have been possible without the help of all my
informants and new friends who were willing to share their
personal stories with me in Singapore. I truly enjoyed your
company and loved exchanging experiences. Your help, sto-
ries, and laughter were crucial to my research, and the infor-
mation you provided was invaluable. At a personal level, I
thank Assistant Professor Martijn Oosterbaan, my supervi-
sor at the Department of Cultural Anthropology at Utrecht
University. Your enthusiasm, questions, and precious com-
ments kept me on track when I was overwhelmed by ideas
and impressions. Furthermore, I thank the ARI for provid-
ing me a safe haven in Singapore. In particular, I am grateful
to Professor Gavin Jones for inviting me and to Dr. Maria
Platt for providing valuable feedback and support during my
fieldwork in Singapore. I also thank the organizers of the
international conference “Discrepancies Between Behavior
and Attitudes Toward Marriage and Fertility in Asia” at the
ARI for funding my flight to Singapore and for the oppor-
tunity to present my work at the conference. I also thank
Camille Banham for proofreading my article and for her
encouraging words. I am also grateful for the support, laugh-
ter, self-baked cookies, and fieldwork stories of my hard-
working classmates. Last but not least, I thank my friends,
Journal of Marriage and Family
boyfriend, parents, and brother for their trust and support.
Your down-to-earth advice really helped me continue and
finish this article step by step.
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