Professional Documents
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Women In The
‘Maybe’ Zone
Stephen Hussey
https://matthewhussey.com/blog/why-men-put-women-in-the-maybe-zone/ 1/21
1/14/24, 4:39 PM Why Men Put Women In The ‘Maybe’ Zone | Get The Guy
You know you’re in The Maybe Zone when friends repeatedly see you with a guy and ask
inquiringly: “Are you guys a couple?”
And your response is to shrug your shoulders and say: “I’m not sure really”, or secretly to
yourself, “I’d like to be!”
Within The Maybe Zone there are typically two big traps.
There is the Friend Trap (also dubbed ‘The Friend Zone’, though the term has become
controversial), and there is the Friends-With-Benefits Trap (sometimes called the ‘F-buddy’
Zone).
Someone only counts as being in The Maybe Zone if they secretly, or explicitly, desire a
relationship with the person in question, but remain frustrated in their efforts.
Let’s explain both of these traps individually and why different kinds of people fall into them.
The Friend Trap is an old familiar favourite. It’s commonly seen as something that afflicts men,
but 10 years of coaching has taught me that it happens to plenty of women as well.
The Friend Trap is when you like someone, you both get along like best buddies, except…
that’s it. Nothing sexual EVER happens. It’s like one endless promise of hope over the horizon,
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where you think something could possibly-maybe-just happen one day, but every time you feel
like you’re getting close they bat off any romantic advances and leave you pining for them
when they’re not around.
It’s like being on a perpetual first date that’s going really well but the guy never goes in for the
kiss, (even though he would totally score if he did).
It gets frustrating. You can tell he loves being around you and hanging out, hell, he may even
hug you now and then like a boyfriend, but he never initiates anything more physical. Is he just
incompetent? Shy? That’s possible, but even incompetent shy guys take the hint eventually and
can manage to guide their lips toward yours.
What’s more likely is that he does truly enjoy being around you, and possibly does even love
your personality to some degree, but he doesn’t have enough deep attraction.
A guy you’re friends with can have all the Connection and Respect in the world for you, but
without Sexual Chemistry, he’s not going to be able to feel real attraction for you.
Annoying right? It’s probably a bit annoying for them too. A lot of men and women wish they
felt sexual attraction for someone they are great buddies with. It would be an ideal scenario.
But neither he, nor you, nor anyone else can force sexual chemistry if someone else just doesn’t
feel it.
The onus is on you here to put distance between you so you can finally move on. Especially if
you’re waiting around for a guy who actually enjoys the validation of the Friend Trap and stay
there on purpose, enjoying your attention but never really making a move.
Screw that. Save your time. Save your emotional energy. Set yourself free and look for someone
who reciprocates the love you have to give.
The Friends-With-Benefits Trap happens when you are having sex (or some sexual activity) with
a guy, and although you want him to be your boyfriend he never wants to commit.
At first you think he has issues with commitment, but then maybe you realise you’ve seen him
with a girlfriend before.
He calls and texts you like you’re his girlfriend sometimes, but he only wants to meet when it’s
convenient for him. He never wants a proper date and every time you bring up any relationship
conversation he reminds you he’s “just having fun”.
https://matthewhussey.com/blog/why-men-put-women-in-the-maybe-zone/ 3/21
1/14/24, 4:39 PM Why Men Put Women In The ‘Maybe’ Zone | Get The Guy
Let’s go back to our formula we just used: Deep Attraction = Sexual Chemistry + Connection +
Respect
Now in this case, unlike the Friend Trap, the guy clearly has Sexual Chemistry with you. But
somewhere your relationship is lacking in either Connection or Respect.
Some women will be tempted to think that Respect is linked to them having a sexual
relationship with him too soon, but that’s not true. Respect isn’t inherently linked to sex, and
unless he has a very antiquated and out-dated mentality, he’s not going to judge you for having
sex with him outside a relationship. Respect in this scenario is linked to other things. In the Get
The Guy book Matt and I used the term ‘Perceived Value’ which might be a better way to think
of Connection and Respect in this context.
It can be:
Whether he feels like you care about the same things he does (i.e. family, career, health)
Whether he feels he could picture himself in a relationship with you (i.e. do you have
habits that bother him? Or a lifestyle/friends that he wants to be a part of?)
Whether you connect on an intellectual level (yes, men care about this. Everyone with a
brain does).
These are just a few things that will cross someone’s mind (men AND women) when they think
about a relationship, and if they doesn’t imagine them happening then he’ll place you in the
Friends-With-Benefits Zone. It’s the place where he likes you, he’s attracted to you, but he
doesn’t feel enough pull to see something more serious happening in the long-term.
How To Deal With Guys Who Put You In The Maybe Zone
The first thing to remember is that it doesn’t make someone a bad person just because they
don’t want a relationship. Much of the issue simply comes down to compatibility.
Likewise, with the Friends Trap, just because he’s not into you physically doesn’t make him a
jerk. What does make him a jerk in either circumstance is if he strings you along
without ever making his true intentions (or non-intentions) clear.
https://matthewhussey.com/blog/why-men-put-women-in-the-maybe-zone/ 4/21
1/14/24, 4:39 PM Why Men Put Women In The ‘Maybe’ Zone | Get The Guy
(1) Don’t be too judgmental in either situation (unless he willingly deceives you and pretends
he wants something else). Just recognise it for what it is and spot the signs of a guy not moving
anything forward either emotionally or physically.
Is there a way to get out of these traps and still get into a relationship with the same guy?
SOMETIMES.
But here’s the problem. Once someone has a fixed opinion of you, it can be difficult to change
it.
In the case of the Friend Trap: The preferred option should always be to put distance
between you. You can still be nice to him, but you can also be totally honest and say “I have
feelings for you, and need to put some distance between us in order to stay friends”. If he’s
really a friend, at this point, he’ll understand.
Or if that seems way too dramatic, just stop putting yourself in any one-on-one scenarios with
him altogether. E.g. no sitting at home together watching movies, no more ‘buddy-dates’
where you both go for dinner together and hang out all night. Make it a rule to only see him in
the company of others, or not at all.
It will feel hard when you like the guy, but believe me, it’s much easier than wasting a year or
longer pining over him when he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you.
Remember, just because one guy isn’t attracted to you, does NOT mean you are
unattractive. He’s one guy, there are others. And the longer you pine after one person who
isn’t interested, the longer you’re missing out on an amazing guy who would be a model
boyfriend if you were only available for him to find you.
Moreover, it’s always your own responsibility to remove yourself from the Friend Trap. Even if
he’s clearly loving the attention and enjoys being ‘buddies’ with you: if you’re the one getting
hurt emotionally, it’s up to you to notice this and remove yourself from the situation without
being bitter. It’s up to you after that to decide if the friendship is really worth keeping.
In the case of the Friends-With-Benefits Trap: You have slightly more chance of
winning him over here since at least here you’re beginning with sexual attraction, which is
obviously crucial before any kind of romantic relationship can occur.
Once a guy has made up his mind, or told you he doesn’t want to commit at all, it’s always,
ALWAYS best to take him totally on his word. Otherwise, even if you end up getting a
guy to sleepwalk into a semi-relationship for six months, he can easily turn around and break it
off all of a sudden when he freaks out and realizes things have gotten too serious for him.
https://matthewhussey.com/blog/why-men-put-women-in-the-maybe-zone/ 5/21
1/14/24, 4:39 PM Why Men Put Women In The ‘Maybe’ Zone | Get The Guy
Your priority and ultimate mindset should always be: “I don’t want to waste
time with guys who aren’t already sure they’re crazy about me”.
You don’t want to convince a guy to want a relationship with you. If he gives you ‘the talk’
where he says how he just wants to be single and have fun, just smile and say “that’s cool”.
Then withdraw. Not coldly, not spitefully, but just in a relaxed way. Show him your standards in
that moment. You want to withdraw affection in a way that says: “that’s cool. But that’s not what
I want. I need someone who wants more commitment right now.”
A guy’s respect and attraction will go up intensely in that moment just for seeing you stick to
your standard.
Now go meet other guys and forget about this one. And maybe, just MAYBE, at some point
down the line you might both re-connect in another place and time and he’ll wonder why you
didn’t ever get together (but again, don’t bank on this happening, it only may happen, but the
point is, you do NOT need it to).
If he never calls again, no harm done. You’ve spared your time and your affection for guys who
are worth both.
Remember, both the Friend Trap and the Friends-With-Benefits Trap aren’t like your regular
trap. You can open your eyes, see the writing on the wall, and walk away at any time.
The Maybe trap can be seductive, but it only exists so long as you choose to remain within it.
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Od.
Reply
September 10, 2014 at 2:02 pm
https://matthewhussey.com/blog/why-men-put-women-in-the-maybe-zone/ 6/21
1/14/24, 4:39 PM Why Men Put Women In The ‘Maybe’ Zone | Get The Guy
Going thru this right now. Amazing sexual chemistry, great times together, says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he doesn’t want a relationship right now. So as much as it hurts I’m walking away. I can’t sit
around and hope and wait for someone to change their mind, because it probably will never happen.
Reply
Anne C
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Maria
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AspieCatholicgirl
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Tamara
Wow, that was exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you so mutch for giving me these words. It is clear and I can life with the concequences. Not wanting to make a guy “ugly/bad”, if he would turn me down.
Love,
Tamara
Reply
A.
The best advice ever:”If he gives you ‘the talk’ where he says how he just wants to be single and have fun, just smile and say “that’s cool”. Then withdraw. Not coldly, not spitefully, but just in a relaxed way. Show
him your standards in that moment. You want to withdraw affection in a way that says: “that’s cool. But that’s not what I want. I need someone who wants more commitment right now.””
This works with EVERYTHING. Didn’t get the job you wanted? Keep it casual and they may call later with something else. Works with friendships, everything. Well, it helps preserve a relationship with little
investment or effort from you. Just friendly. And as long as you accept the person may never ever call you again.
I don’t always want to preserve the relationship. Simple as that. If a guy isn’t interested, I need him really off my list and forever. So my brain can fully focus elsewhere. My brain has its drawbacks but this is one
thing I’ve tried to change and it’s stuck fast so I’m accepting it. I need to move on. People really do respect and like this, but I simply have no feeling left for them if/when they ever decided= to come back. But
lack of emotion at partings really can preserve a relationship if you want to do that.
Thanks, Stephen!
https://matthewhussey.com/blog/why-men-put-women-in-the-maybe-zone/ 7/21
1/14/24, 4:39 PM Why Men Put Women In The ‘Maybe’ Zone | Get The Guy
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Christina
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kish
Am I right?
Women, on the other hand might not even like a guy looks or personality wise but he can grow on them or win them over with time. Of course sexual chemistry can never be forced and some guys remain in the
friend zone with women but women seem to have a greater capability of falling in love with a guy down the line. Whereas with men, it is pretty clear from the start.
https://matthewhussey.com/blog/why-men-put-women-in-the-maybe-zone/ 8/21
1/14/24, 4:39 PM Why Men Put Women In The ‘Maybe’ Zone | Get The Guy
If a man doesn’t feel respect and connection it results in a FWB scenario and if he doesn’t feel chemistry then its the Friend Zone–Right Up Front.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that guys will pull these moves (FWB and FZ) with women when they want the benefits of a relationship/woman but do not want to invest themselves because they are lazy, it is too
much work, they want to focus on other things etc. In these cases, there IS sexual chemistry, connection and respect but the guy is just lazy/not ready/whatever. A lot of it has to do with how much women are
willing to give to a guy so he doesn’t really have to do anything. He won’t make a girl his gf if he doesn’t HAVE to. Just as women sometimes have no qualms about using guys for their money, guys use girls too–
because they let them. So it becomes a matter of convenience.
Somehow, I’ve never gotten into a situation like this because I let the guys pursue me. I am only friends with guys I have no romantic interest in. If a guy is attractive to me but doesn’t make a move or remains
unsure–I do absolutely nothing and just move on. So no problems there. I also never take advantage of guys who are friends but interested in me romantically. I keep my distance from them. That is not to say that
guys haven’t tried these things on me but I just don’t respond because I am not attracted to this kind of behavior. Somehow, I cannot stomach giving my time, energy, company, kindness etc. to a guy when he
isn’t giving me what I want from him. It is instinctive. And once a guy has been unsure about me in the past, hemmed and hawed I even have trouble keeping things open in the future because he just becomes
unattractive overall. It is a subconscious requirement for me to feel attraction for someone that they are attracted to me without a doubt and DO something about it. I don’t know why. I wasn’t made for lukewarm
attraction from guys even if they get hotter over time. I’m talking specifically about attraction here not about a guy falling deeper and deeper in love with me over time based on character/personality.
I wish more women would read this article because I have seen so many of my friends getting ‘used’ like this only to be discarded at the end for another woman who wasn’t half as good.So setting and sticking to
standards is the key. Thanks for pointing this out, Stephen.
Reply
HJC In California
You are amazing. Thanks for taking the time to type your comment. I am the exact same way. As soon as I sense uncertainty from a guy, I’m out. It makes him appear weak and devalues what I have to
offer. Someone’s been pursuing me like mad – texting/calling daily, sometimes just to say “good morning” or “hello,” and our first three dates were on consecutive days. HOWEVER, he has made zero
physical advances toward me. Last night, I straight up asked, “Is this dating, or friendship?” He paused for a minute, then said, “I’m trying to figure that out.” And so…begins my fade. I believe that
the majority of men know what they want and have no problems pursuing it when they see it. There’s obviously something lacking in the attraction department with this guy, so I’m leaving him in the
dust. NEXT!
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Nashville
Believe a man when he says he doesn’t want a relationship with you. He’s not necessarily a bad person for saying so. But you are not unworthy of love or not good enough because he says
he doesn’t want a relationship with you. Don’t spend all of your energy and cause yourself heartache trying to change his mind. He isn’t entitled to it. Spend your time and energy on the
person who has pursued a relationship with you.
only text you and the conversation always turns sexual, move on! He only wants sex.
only wants to “hang out” at your place or his because he is tired or it’s just more comfortable there, move on! He doesn’t want to make the effort to date you.
If he doesn’t take the time to get to know you and your interests, know about your family, your goals and dreams, he’s constantly joking around, move on! He’s not interested in getting to
know you as a person. He just wants someone to have fun with.
acts like a boyfriend but says he just doesn’t want to put a label on it or be too serious. Move on! He’s trying to keep his options open and may be interested in another woman already.
Of course, if you don’t mind all of those things, then more power to you!
Yes, I’ve experienced all of these things and it’s time to follow my own advice. I am good enough and worthy of a wonderful and secure relationship with a man. Thank you again for your
awesome and informative comments!
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Karin
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https://matthewhussey.com/blog/why-men-put-women-in-the-maybe-zone/ 12/21
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Wow seriously? You are afraid to upset him?? Honey no disrespect but you are just another girl on the side. He is being honest but it is emotional manipulation to keep you around.
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Sharon
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