Building emotional intimacy

“Do Small Things Often”

It's the small positive things done often that make the difference.

1. Emotional intimacy - why is this important

2. Have them give examples
3. How it impacts the relationship
Helps you feel closer
Increased sexual intimacy and frequency
4. What is emotional intimacy- to know and be known
5. How to achieve emotional intimacy

Seek to understand- Takes 5 open ended questions to feel understood- part of to know
and be known

Building Trust
Thus, the success or failure of developing deeper intimacy is based on how couples
build trust. If the ratio of positivity to negativity exceeds 5:1 during conflict discussions, a
couple is likely to stay together.
The building of trust is about having your partner’s best interests in mind and at heart.
It’s about listening to your partner’s pain and communicating that when they hurt, the
world stops, and you listen. There is a model of communication that helps partners
attune to one another.

The word “ATTUNE” is actually an acronym that stands for six processes:
1. A for Awareness of your partner’s and your own state and emotions
2. T for Tolerance that there are always two valid viewpoints in any emotions
3. T for Turning Toward one partner’s need
4. U for trying to Understand your partner
5. N for Non-defensive or non-judgmental listening to your partner
6. E for Empathy toward your partner

Building Love Maps

John Gottman’s research revealed that a very powerful predictor of relationship stability
is whether couples, particularly husbands, allocate “cognitive room” for their relationship
and for the world of their partner.
It is as if the Masters of Relationships have developed a map of their partner’s world: a
cognitive map of their relationship and its history, of their partner’s history, concerns,
preferences, and the current world of their partner.
Love Maps are created by asking open-ended questions. An open-ended question is a
question that can’t be answered by a simple “yes” or “no.” It is a question like “How
would you like our life to change in the next five years?”
Our goal is to change the way you move through time together. We want you to make it
a habit to ask each other open-ended questions and to remember the answers.

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1. Build Love Maps

This entails improving how well you know one another — how well you know your
partner’s inner psychological world and his or her worries, stresses, joys, and dreams.
To strengthen Love Maps:
• Build Knowledge of Partner’s Internal World
• Use Card Deck
• Guess Right Answer to Question on Each Card
• If Wrong, Partner Makes Gentle Correction
• Ask Open-Ended Questions

2. Share Fondness and Admiration

Recap of last teaching session. This level focuses on cultivating affection and respect
within a relationship and helps build a positive frame of mind. It is also the antidote for
contempt.
To strengthen Fondness and Admiration: Express appreciation and respect.

3. Turn Towards
Turn Towards in everyday moments. The small moments of everyday life are actually
the building blocks of relationships. A partner has the opportunity to either turn toward,
turn away, or turn against a bid their partner makes. A bid is a gesture — verbal or
nonverbal — for some sort of positive connection: conversation, humor, affection, or
support.
The very small everyday moments in a relationship are opportunities for Turning
Towards one another, and opportunities that can build up the Emotional Bank Account.

The quality of Turning Towards and the vitality of the Emotional Bank Account in a
relationship determine whether you have a positive or a negative perspective on your
relationship.
To strengthen Turn Towards:
State your needs and be aware of bids and turn toward them.

Create Shared Meaning:

Build Rituals of Connection
• Rituals are Times You Can Count on Connecting
• Formal and Informal Rituals Made Meaningful and Intentional
• Discuss Details of Preferred Ways to Connect
• Include Family Histories Related to Specific Rules
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Four ways that couples can build a stronger relationship with shared meaning
Sharing- Sharing a common dream or vision for life can help you gain a healthy
perspective.
Talking- Talking about your shared vision can foster attunement.
Creating- Creating daily or weekly rituals of connection will enable you build shared
meaning.
Implementing- Implementing your shared goals can help you to be a stronger couple
with a purpose.

Committed Partners Do These Things

Committed couples voice their complaints to their partner, and don’t complain about
their partner to a third party.
You promise to cherish your partner’s positive qualities and to express gratitude to your
partner for them.
Finally, you promise to treasure this relationship for what it gives you, and to not
compare this relationship with some other relationship you imagine you could have.