Weisser 1

Benji Weisser

Alyssia Halvorsen

[Class Title]

12 April 2023

Benji Weisser: Recurring Thoughts

Hey Alyssia, I am writing this document because I have too many thoughts running

through my head and I need to get them out. I would’ve just texted you about them, but I kind of

need to get them out without us being sidetracked by another conversation, and I just have too

many to send in text alone. Additionally, I was feeling like I may only have one more chance for

a big conversation or time to ask questions before you ask me to stop for good. So, no matter

what the results of this may be; whether we don’t talk anymore, or we go back to being friends

somehow, or something else happens; at least this will have been said. When you read this, I ask

that you keep an open mind. I understand that you are firm in your decision, I just ask you to

actually think about what I say without bias for your decision.

OK. Yeah so maybe I should’ve completely planned this out before typing. This could

get wonky. I don’t entirely know what to talk about. I guess I’ll just talk and you can read

through my nonsensical thought process. Ok so I guess, I still like you. I think you still like me.

So I guess I was just confused why after 3 years, you aren’t willing to try it. I guess looking

back, I was happy during that “situationship” so I would still be perfectly good going back to

that. At least we interacted better back then. But I guess in my mind, a real relationship wasn’t

that different from that situationship. You had said that you already thought of me as “your boy”

sometimes, and I used pet names for you sometimes. I guess I thought the only thing that would
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change would be others knowing, and us being a little more open with each other. I was reading

back over your reasons, or at least the ones I could find. Stuff like: You start freaking out about

literally everything, you convince yourself you don’t have feelings for the person, you randomly

decide you are terrified of monogamy, you don’t know what to tell your parents, you think you’ll

be made fun of for dating me, and you are worried that your friends will hate me. And then ya

know, the problem of how you are worried about having something real, and are worried about

the long distance and lack of visitation possibility. You’ve told me that you know you like me,

but then the panic hits and you struggle to think about it. You’re also worried about it being fair

to me, citing that the whole time we date you would be convincing yourself that it’s just casual

so you don’t freak out and that’s not fair to me. You even said at one point that you want me to

be your boyfriend. You also said that I shouldn’t have to keep reassuring you, this is kinda

unrelated to the stuff I was just mentioning, but then again, this is my illogical train of thoughts,

so im just gonna stick with it. Anyway, I don’t mind reassuring you, in fact that’s something that

I was planning on doing with you or anyone I date. Its part of the way I express my feelings. You

also mentioned that you actually want to compartmentalize intimacy. After all of these problems

you said that it’s more rewarding if its harder, but also there is a lot more to lose.

OK. Yeah so, I guess that’s like all the main problems. Im not quite sure where to go

from here. I guess I could share that I have similar concerns. I didn’t originally have many

concerns of my own, but as we’ve talked, ive begun to worry about how your concerns could

affect it. I think Im also really confused about what it is exactly you want. I can’t tell if you

actually want to date but are scared, or want to go back to our situationship, or if you just want to

be friends. If it is the last one, ur gonna have to help me, cause idk how to just be friends with

you. However, I really think that if we talked it out, and worked together, the problems would all
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but dissolve, and those that didn’t, we could face them together. But im worried, cause I can’t

tell what you want, and it hurts. I accidentally saw some of our older messages, from when we

would have convos where we say eachothers name a bunch of times and then say something

nice. I still remember the very first time you sent the following

I freaked out, and immediately texted my online friends about how this girl I really liked just did

the cutest thing that’s ever happened to me. Looking back on stuff like that now though, it kills

me that we aren’t like that anymore, even though it just recently happened.

There is a chance that you are going to be really upset with me, or even hate me, for

writing this. Especially since you asked me to stop bringing it up. I recognize it’s not my place to

try and change your mind, even if I feel that the decision was made in a rush and not in the right

state of mind. So I apologize that I keep doing it, I just for some reason can’t get it out of my

head that there is still a possibility.

Do you trust me?

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I trust you. I believe with my whole heart that if we actually tried it, we would be able to

work together to solve any problems that we face. But more importantly, I felt like the

“situationship” was already basically a good relationship. Is that not what it is? Just a

relationship without labels and thus without the pressure of a full relationship? I think that if

anything, the situationship combined with our overall friendship could prove that we would be

able to handle a relationship. I could go ahead and try to provide a solution to all those problems

that were listed a few paragraphs ago and in our texts, but I don’t think that would actually

benefit either of us. I guess, idk. I may have said everything I can. I don’t think I can properly

express how im feeling, and that’s a problem I need to work on.

I would be perfectly ok with just going back to a situationship, if that’s what you want.

But I have to be completely honest with what I want more than anything. My ideal situation is us

kind of just going back to how we were during the situationship, and starting off really slow.

Eventually, we work up to a real one, but we start slow, and work together. I think that would be

the most important part.

Im sorry for my thoughts being contradictory to yours, I wish they melded a bit better. I don’t

actually know if any of this was actually comprehensible. I’d encourage you if you have any

follow up questions, please please talk to me.

I just needed to get this out. I’m sorry.