Version 17 (updated February 2024)

Supporting men who want to join, create or

sustain a Men’s Group

Demystifying what Men’s Groups are and

clarifying how they can function effectively

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Welcome
This Men’s Group Field Guide will provide you with what you need to know in order to create, run
and sustain a Men’s Group. Use whatever elements you like, leave what you don’t like, and amend
anything to suit the needs and purposes of your unique Men’s Group.

The Field Guide is an evolving resource that we have compiled based on many years of experience
participating in and facilitating our Men’s Groups and supporting many other men to create and
sustain their own Men’s Groups. It’s not the “only” way to run a Men’s Group, but it is what has
worked and continues to work, for us.

Being part of a Men’s Group has been a powerful access to our development and growth as men who
want to be more present, powerful, free, passionate, grounded and playful. We simply want to give
more men the same access, and we want to share it freely with men across the world.

Over the years we have had many existing groups that have reproduced elements of this Field Guide,
sharing it with other men in different formats. There is no copyright on the material, but we’ve been
gratified by those groups acknowledging www.mensgroup.info as the source and appreciate others
doing the same.

For more information on what men can get out of being in a Men’s Group, please watch the YouTube
video on the Homepage of www.mensgroup.info or join our Men’s Group on Facebook at
https://www.facebook.com/groups/256859981111418/

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Navigating the Men’s Group Field Guide
WHAT IS A MEN’S GROUP & WHY DO MEN GET INVOLVED IN ONE? 6
 INTENTIONS OF A MEN’S GROUP ............................................................................................................................................................ 7
 IS A MEN’S GROUP FOR YOU?..................................................................................................................................... 8

STARTING A MEN’S GROUP 9

 THE BASICS............................................................................................................................................................................................ 10
 GETTING A MEN’S GROUP TOGETHER ................................................................................................................................................. 12
 CREATING THE PHYSICAL SPACE............................................................................................................................................................ 13
 HOLDING SPACE AND CREATING A SAFE SPACE………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..14
 ONLINE MEETINGS: VIRTUAL MEETING SPACES .................................................................................................................................. 15
 GROUP AGREEMENTS ........................................................................................................................................................................... 17
 THE FIRST MEN’S GROUP..................................................................................................................................................................... 21
 THE FOUNDATION PERIOD ................................................................................................................................................................... 22

STRUCTURES AND PROCESSES FOR AN EFFECTIVE MEN’S GROUP 23

 SUMMARY OF STRUCTURE AND PROCESSES......................................................................................................................................... 24
 MEDITATION ......................................................................................................................................................................................... 25
 CHECKING IN ......................................................................................................................................................................................... 25
 SHARING ................................................................................................................................................................................................ 26
 REFLECTION ........................................................................................................................................................................................... 29
 CHALLENGES.......................................................................................................................................................................................... 33
 PHYSICAL EXERCISES ............................................................................................................................................................................. 34
 CLOSING ................................................................................................................................................................................................ 34

SUSTAINING A MEN’S GROUP 35

 MEN’S GROUP AS A ‘TEAM: PHASES AND DYSFUNCTIONS…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………36
 RE-EVALUATING STRUCTURE AND PROCESS ........................................................................................................................................ 37
 HANDLING CONFLICT WITHIN MEN’S GROUP ..................................................................................................................................... 39
 COMMUNICATION BETWEEN MEETINGS .............................................................................................................................................. 40
 SOCIAL GATHERINGS ............................................................................................................................................................................. 40
 GUESTS AND SUPPORT .......................................................................................................................................................................... 40
 INVITING NEW MEN TO THE GROUP ..................................................................................................................................................... 41
 LEAVING THE GROUP............................................................................................................................................................................. 42

ADDENDUM 44
 MEN’S WELL-BEING ASSESSMENT ...................................................................................................................................................... 45
 CHALLENGE CIRCLE ............................................................................................................................................................................... 50
 QUESTIONS FOR MEN .......................................................................................................................................................................... 54
 “THE NEW MANHOOD” BY STEVEN BIDDULPH: READINGS AND CONTEMPLATIONS ....................................................................... 56
 “WAY OF THE SUPERIOR MAN” BY DAVID DEIDA: READINGS AND CONTEMPLATIONS ................................................................... 60
 INTEGRITY CHECKLIST ........................................................................................................................................................................... 64
 CORE VALUES ASSESSMENT .................................................................................................................................................................. 70

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What is a Men’s
Group & why do
men get involved
in one?

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Intentions of a Men’s Group
 A Men’s Group is a safe space for men to create a uniquely authentic connection and
conversation with other men.
 A Men’s Group explores what it means to be a man and what masculine essence is: to clarify your
direction and purpose; to give your gifts fully to the world; to have integrity, to know what
commitment is and to be trustable; to be clear and grounded; to be strong and consistent; to be
whole; and to be aligned and at peace, inwardly and outwardly.

 A Men’s Group is for men who want to be challenged and want to challenge each other in being
the greatest men they can be.

 A Men’s Group is not always a comfortable or easy space to be in, but in working through that
discomfort together as a group, the impact and effect can be transformational.

 Men in Men’s Group hold each other accountable to live a life at the fullest; this means being
committed to a fulfilled life consistent with your unique purpose, and to be supported and held
accountable for what it takes to live that life.

 A Men’s Group achieves this through regular meetings of authentic sharing, feedback, and physical
and spiritual practices. This all takes place in a confidential environment where it is safe to share
and express freely and openly.

 Men in Men’s Group respect and honor each other as whole and complete men who make
mistakes. Men need support in error-correcting without shutting down, hurting ourselves or hurting
others.

 While there is a serious intent to Men’s Group, there is also a commitment to have men be more
light-hearted and playful in their worlds.

 A context for social interaction and deep, authentic friendship often arises from Men’s Groups.

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Is a Men’s Group for you?
Whilst most men would probably benefit from participating in a Men’s Group, it’s not for all men. The
fact that you’re reading this Field Guide means that you’re at least interested, if not ready to join or
create a Men’s Group. Or that perhaps you’re already in one and looking for some ideas to
reinvigorate your group.

Men join Men’s Groups for a variety of reasons. Maybe you want to connect with other men on a
deeper, more meaningful level. Or it might be that you want to improve certain aspects of your life and
don’t know how or where to start. Or maybe your life is working well and you want to share your
wisdom and experience with other men.

The following checklist will give you a good indication of whether a Men’s Group is for you:

☐ Am I willing to look at myself and be honest about my life?

☐ Am I willing to learn about myself?
☐ Am I willing to learn from other men and contribute to them?
☐ Am I open and willing to act on new choices?
☐ Am I willing to take responsibility for my actions?
☐ Am I willing to apply what I learn in Men’s Group to my everyday life?
(Checklist source: ‘Wake up, Man up, Step up’ Ray Arata)

What does it mean to you to be a ‘good man’?

“Being good means going beyond what we feel inside ourselves into what we
feel about the world outside. The essence of man being good is when he looks
outside himself, beyond his worldview, and challenges himself so that he can
challenge others. It can be seen in a man who asks what he can do to
contribute to improving the world or changing it. Being good means
committing to have a bigger vision that just feeling good.”
(Graham Reid Phoenix)

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Starting a Men’s
Group

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The Basics
Above all, men who want to be part of a Men’s Group are men who are committed to their own
growth and development, committed to the growth and development of other men, and committed to
the methods and structure of the group as a vehicle for that growth and development.

Participants do not need to have attended any specific course, nor done any self-development work,
though both will significantly enhance the depth of the group.

Number of men
Our Men’s Group has functioned effectively with 9 men. Usually 1-2 men can’t make it, so an
attendance of around 7 men is usually ideal. More than 7 means that not all men may have time to
share (which can also work fine, as long as the men agree), and a minimum of 4 men is required for the
group to be effective.

Life situations
Diversity of men’s backgrounds within a Men’s Group should be encouraged: socioeconomic, cultural
differences and sexual orientation should not be barriers to entry or inclusion. Our group has had
single men, married men, divorced men, gay men, men with children, and men with no children. A
commitment to the intention, methods, and structure of the group is what is imperative.

Friends or not friends?

It is not important that the Men’s Group contains men who know each other socially. In fact, whilst it is
ok for this to be the case, it is probably more ideal to have men who don’t all know each other socially.
Again, diversity in the make-up of the men is essential.

You also don’t have to particularly ‘like’ all the men in your Men’s Group. Much can be gained from
having men in the group that you don’t particularly like, or might never mix with socially outside of
Men’s Group.

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Age
Men of all ages (and differing ages) can participate. A 60 year old man can learn from a 20 year old
man, and a 20 year old man can contribute to a 60 year old man, despite (and perhaps because of) the
differences in their life experiences. As long as each man is committed to learning from and
contributing to the other men, a mixture of ages within the group can work well.

Men’s Group is not a substitute for professional support

Each man in the group will at times have life experiences that will be challenging, and this should not
exclude their participation. Whilst Men’s Group is a supportive and therapeutic structure, it is not a
‘support group’ or ‘therapy session’ as such. Similarly, if men only ever want to be listened to and not
ever be challenged or shift what’s going on in their life, they might need to find other structures for
this to occur.

Men’s Groups do not exist as a substitute for professional support. In some cases it may be more
appropriate to seek a trained professional, whether they be a therapist, psychologist, or a coach; in
most cases men can simultaneously seek professional guidance whilst also participating in a Men’s
Group.

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Getting a Men’s Group together
For many men who know they want to start a group, getting other men interested can be the biggest
hurdle. The following points may help:

1. Three is the magic number. All you need is three more men other than yourself to get started. Think
of three men you trust, men you could be authentic and transparent with, men you want to get to
know more.

2. Direct interested men to www.mensgroup.info to request a copy of the Field Guide, so they can get
a feel of whether it’s for them.

3. If you can’t find those three other men, you may need to reach out:
• Put a post on social media
• Ask your female friends if they think their boyfriends or husbands would be interested.
• Put a notice up in your local gym, health food store, or corner store.

3. Most significantly, start sharing authentically why you want to start the group – what you think you
and other men will get out of being in a Men’s Group.

4. Once there are at least three other men committed in principle, it’s then time to set a date, time
and location for your first meeting. Ask the other men to also put the word out and invite other
men. Support them to bring along one more man each - the momentum will begin to build to a full
group.

When the group has been created, or even before that point, let other men know that your group
exists by posting your groups details on the Facebook Men’s Group
https://www.facebook.com/groups/256859981111418/

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Creating the physical space
Set-up
Chairs should ideally be all at the same height and placed in a circle, preferably with nothing in the
middle of the circle. Sitting on the ground is also fine, as long as men have a cushion or something to
slightly elevate them from the ground to be able to maintain a reasonable posture throughout.

Children and partners/housemates

Whilst it’s possible to have a Men’s Group in a location where there are children or a partner in
another section of the house, it is not ideal to have anyone else in the house/space. All men need to
feel comfortable to share freely and know they can do so without interruption.

Tea and refreshments

Food can be a disruption to the flow of the meeting and to a man who is sharing, so if men want to
come early or stay afterward for food, that’s fine, but preferably not during the meeting.

Tea and water are fine during the meeting. However they should only be consumed in between the
shares, not whilst a man is sharing or giving feedback. Tea should ideally be prepared before the initial
meditation.

Location
Public locations are not appropriate, so meet in a location that is quiet and that won’t be disrupted.
You can meet at the same location, or rotate between men’s homes, or hire a conference room/scout
hall etc.

Frequency
Many Men’s Groups meet weekly, some meet every two weeks, others every month. Meet as
frequently as the men are able, as long as you can maintain continuity in the conversation.
Remember that if you only meet monthly and a man misses a group, it will be two months between
groups for him, which is not ideal.

Time of day
Find a time that enables men to get home, have some dinner and then get to group on time.
Weekends and daytimes may also work, though consider the impact on family time for the men
involved.

Duration
Most groups usually last from 2-3 hours, depending on the size of the group.

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Holding space and creating a safe space
“Holding space” means being physically, mentally, and emotionally present for someone. It means putting
your focus on someone to support them as they feel their feelings. (Clay Boykin)

The term ‘holding space’ is an important distinction in Men’s Circle, as it defines how we interact with each
other within a Men’s Group. Holding space is about being with another and giving your full attention to
them, without judgment; it’s about meeting another man where they are and allowing them to have
whatever experience they are having, without trying to fix them.

When we hold space for each other in a Men’s Group, the space becomes a safe container to ‘hold’ a
member and their unique experience of life. This safe space allows members to be themselves, to be
authentic, to be vulnerable and to speak their truth.

When a man has the experience of being in a safe space, he is free from judgment.
When a man is in a safe space, free from judgment, he has the experience of being able to express his true
feelings about an issue, perhaps for the first time ever.
In expressing their truth in a safe space, he has the experience of being witnessed and being heard.
As he is being witnessed and heard, sharing his feelings authentically in a safe space, he is no longer
bearing the burden of the issue on his own.
Because he is no longer bearing the burden of his issue alone, he is able to see his issue from a different
perspective.
And as he starts to see his issue from a different perspective, he often will be able to experience the issue
differently, and his feelings about that issue may transform.

It’s important to distinguish a few elements about creating a safe space:

• Safety requires trust, confidentiality and rules/guidelines/agreements

• A safe space doesn't have to be a 'comfortable' space
• The space might be safe, but that doesn't mean it feels safe for every member or in every moment.
• A safe space can also hold members accountable & challenge them
• It’s valuable for a Circle to have a language around safety, and permission to declare if and when
they are feeling unsafe.
• Permission is an underlying condition for safety.
• Creating a safe space may require training and practice in being willing and able to manage
confrontation and uncomfortable conversations between the members in a Circle.

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Online Meetings: Virtual meeting spaces
Meeting in person is strongly preferred to foster a strong connection with the other men in the Men’s
Group. Nevertheless, there may be circumstances where the group cannot or chooses not to meet in
person. Some example scenarios may be due to unforeseen circumstances like unavailability of the
meeting space or severe weather. Another example scenario is when some or all of the members of
the group simply do not reside in the same immediate vicinity. In these circumstances we can turn to
technology to help create a virtual meeting space.

Benefits of meeting online

One of the most important benefits to meeting online is the ability to assemble a group of men who
share a common desire to participate. As mentioned in earlier sections, the objective of creating a
group is not necessarily to involve your friends but instead to gather men who are committed to
growth. By meeting online, the pool of candidate members of the Men’s Group can be expanded to
include truly conscious men who live in disparate locations.

Another significant benefit to online Men’s Group meetings is lower total time commitment. This is
due to less time overhead traveling to and from a central location. Lower travel times can often
translate into lower variability in actual start times for the meetings. All this allows meeting efficiency
to remain high and require less time to accomplish the same meeting objectives.

While there can be many benefits, there are some important considerations when establishing a Men’s
Group which allows some or all of its members to participate online.

Creating and preserving the virtual container

It is imperative that each man preserve the tenuous nature of the protective “container” when holding
a meeting online. For a man to be vulnerable and trusting of his extended environment it is important
that the meeting be free from outside distractions and also free from outside observation.

Workstation Configuration
Eye contact is problematic when interacting through the use of cameras since the tendency is to look
at the screen at the other participants rather than the lens of the camera. Participants are strongly
encouraged to look at their own camera when they are speaking so that the other participants can gain
a better sense of their presence. All participants should endeavor to maintain an attentive posture
throughout the meeting. It is important that each participant is seen as relatively stationary since
movement will often draw attention away from the moment of the meeting; this includes movement
of the participant (ex. getting up to tend to something) but also background/scenery movement (ex.
cars, people in view) as well as camera movement (ex. laptop on lap or phone in hand). Needless to say,
all other programs on the workstation computer/tablet/phone should be either closed or minimized.

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Participant presence
Sources of distractions are abundant, especially when choosing familiar telepresence locations. Phone
calls and texts, social media notifications, email alerts, meeting reminders, demands from pets,
consumption of food and beverages, noises from children, neighbors in their yards, background
television or music, etc. are all distractions to your presence and will significantly impact the meeting.
Even if only you can observe the distraction, your disengagement will be felt by the other members of
the group. Concentrating on your response to your upcoming turn can also be a disservice to the man
who is speaking. Remember you are not just biding time until you can talk; you are helping witness the
other men who have put their trust in you to help them grow and to live at their edge.

Telepresence location
Public locations are generally not appropriate, therefore join the meeting in a location that is quiet and
will not be disrupted. Private conference rooms are often available at local shared office spaces, public
recreation centers, or at your own place of work. Home offices, bedrooms, and quiet private yards can
be utilized provided they are free from distractions to you and the other participants in the meeting.
Be especially careful to ensure the environment is free from potential eavesdropping since this will
impact the ability for other participants to feel safe in the virtual container (i.e. headphones are
typically warranted).

Meeting times
The time and day to hold the meetings can be even more problematic with online participants due to
different time zones, holidays, and observations of daylight savings time. One or more participants will
likely need to compromise but the benefits are often found to be worth it.

Exercises
Although the men are not all at the same location, it is still important to engage in participatory
exercises to help get all members in the same meeting container and mindset. These exercises are
described in the section below called “Structures and processes for an effective Men’s Group”. Note
that there is perceptible delay in communication over the internet and performing synchronized two-
way participatory exercises will not be perceived as synchronized by all members. Therefore, it is
advised to have a designated leader for any particular exercise and have all other members mute their
microphones and follow the instructions of the leader.

Telepresence system
Look for a telepresence system that is easy for participants to use, runs on multiple platforms, low-cost
for participants, supports sufficient numbers of simultaneous users, and provides features that
facilitate the various phases of your meetings. One suitable telepresence system for Men’s Group
meetings is from zoom.us. The meetings can support 100 or more simultaneous users (good for
announcements and membership logistics) and can be segmented into breakout rooms to allow more
intimate engagement with other participants (good for sharing/check-ins).

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Group Agreements
Before starting your Men’s Group, or at least at the first gathering, it is worthwhile to get alignment
and commitment to some core agreements around attendance, leadership/facilitation and
confidentiality in order to enable the group to function effectively. Agreements around structure and
process are also essential (once you’ve gone through the section on “Structures and processes for an
effective Men’s Group”).

Sample Agreements:

Safe Container: I agree that our Men’s Group will be an emotionally and physically safe place so that
feelings and stories about our private life can be shared with minimal risk.

My Inner Self: I agree that we are here to talk about our inner self, the one that exists behind our usual
social masks. I will use the language of feelings, values, and beliefs to describe how I experience our world.

I statements: I agree to speak in terms of ‘I’ statements, how I feel and think. This owns and honours our
inner world and helps us identify them as our responsibility. ‘I’ statements are the opposite of ‘you’ or
blaming statements where we see others’ actions or beliefs, values etc as being wrong or harmful and the
cause of our situation. ‘You’ statements are mainly a disconnection from inner self.

Active Listening: I agree to fully listen to others speaking. Paying full attention to the fullness of their
words and the meaning behind those words. In addition to the words, we will attend to emotional
expression, body language, and nuance. If the person speaking looks at us, they need to see that we are
fully present. Often when we should listen, we are composing our narrative about what that provokes for
us or how we would like to respond to the speaker. When we do that, we are not listening.

Non-Judgement: I set aside my judgement of others. We listen as impartial witnesses and do not act or
display a judgmental attitude. We accept that what the speaker is saying is their reality.

Questioning and advice-giving: I only give advice to a speaker if they have given his permission.
Sometimes a member might ask for advice or feedback. It is permissible to share the feelings and thoughts
that arose for you in reaction to another man’s speaking. That might include explaining what happened for
you in a similar situation. If you wish to ask another man a question or make a comment on what they
have said, you first need to ask his permission.

Responsibility: I take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings. This is the opposite of taking a victim
position where others are to blame. If we own it, we can do something about it.

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Anger and abuse to another: I do not direct anger, abuse or threats at another member. It is acceptable to
talk about our strong feelings or beliefs and what might trigger them. I own responsibility for my
emotions.

Confidentiality: I expect that the identity of those who attend and what they say in Men’s Group is
confidential.

Equal time: I agree that each member has equal space and opportunity to speak. If someone wants
additional time to speak or focus on an issue that is hot or urgent for them, then permission should be
sought from the others in the Men’s Group.

No Rescuing: I allow each member to fully feel and express their emotional state. Sometimes this may
involve crying, shaking, yelling. We do not to try and comfort them with words or by physically touching as
this potentially undermines their capacity to fully experience their emotions and the healing that comes
with authentic expression. If someone may be harmed then an intervention may be appropriate. Members
who consistently experience extremes of emotion may benefit from professional therapeutic or medical
help outside the circle. Attempting to rescue another member can be a way of avoiding the painful
witnessing of their distress. Expressing how someone else’s distress triggers us can be a helpful response.

Passing is ok: I don’t have to speak if I don’t want to. We can ‘pass’. However, if this becomes a habitual
response we may ask, ‘Do you feel safe in the Men’s Group yet? Is there anything we can do to make it
safer?’

Silence: I allow silence and avoid rushing in to fill the gaps. For some, silence can be uncomfortable. I allow
silence after someone has spoken as a mark of respect for the speaker and to allow the essence of what
they have communicated to be digested. Constant chatter can be a way of avoiding more meaningful
discussion. Silence can brew a deeper sense of what is happening for us.

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Attendance
Men need to commit to meeting on a regular basis – same day, same time. Attendance is assumed
(unless a man signifies otherwise), however two to three days before a meeting, an email or SMS can
be sent around to confirm attendance. In the foundation period, the email can also contain a reminder
about the readings and contemplations (if they are to be used).

A certain level of rigor and vigilance around attendance is important for several reasons:
1. Commitment and integrity are core to making a man trustable to his woman/partner and to the
world. ‘Honoring what you say you will do’ is the vehicle to achieving this. If you commit to
attending men’s group, then honor that commitment. Not honoring that commitment is
disempowering for you and for the other men in the group.
2. In many instances, the reason a man doesn’t want to attend is exactly the reason he should
attend. Listen to what’s underneath the resistance and bring that to the group.
3. Men’s Group is as much about serving other men as it is about being served. Not ‘feeling’ like
attending is not a great reason for not attending. You may not ‘feel’ like attending because it’s
not what you need on the day but you can still choose to attend. This will become a practical
lesson in serving others - stepping beyond what you need for the sake of the others.

Circumstances will sometimes arise on the day that will shift a man’s ability to fulfill on his
commitment. In such cases, the man should be in communication with all members via text or email.
He should acknowledge that he cannot honor his commitment, give the facts about what has occurred,
and re-store his commitment to future meetings.

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Leadership/Facilitation
Starting a Men’s Group may itself constitute one of the most fundamental leaps in a man’s leadership
skills. To develop the ability to facilitate and guide the spiritual growth of others is an incredibly
necessary ability today, as well as being intensely challenging to do right. Human beings are fickle,
stubborn and disagreeable creatures by nature. Add to that the natural competitiveness and tendency
towards aggression that especially the male half of the human race possesses, and you have a right
challenge in front of you. And yet, the need for this work is so urgent at the moment, that the world is
crying out for men who can lead with integrity, passion and humility.

However, a Men’s Group does not need to be ‘led’ by any one man.

Your group can choose a ‘leader’ in the early days, or a leader may arise in the first few sessions. Or
you can rotate leadership amongst all the men. This person may be the one who:
 sends out group reminder emails/texts
 is the contact person re attendance etc.
 maintains the structure, commitments and agreements of the group
 holds the space and guides the process

Whilst some groups are facilitated and led by one man, most find after a while that leadership is
shared by every man in the group.

Confidentiality
Every man must agree to absolute confidentiality. The Vegas Principle applies: what goes on in the
group, stays in the group. This is even more essential when men within the group are also friends
socially.

What men may share about Men’s Group with family and friends:
 The intentions of Men’s Group
 The structure and format of Men’s Group
 Personal insights gained from Men’s Group

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The First Men’s Group
The first Men’s Group is a gathering that grounds the foundations, intentions and agreements of a
Men’s Group and also allows the men to get to know each other better.

The first Men’s Group could be an entirely social event simply to meet the other men. Or you can use
the following as a guide for the first Men’s Group:

 Before the Introductory Session, ensure that each man has printed out this Field Guide and
brings it along.
 Begin the session by reading the Intentions out aloud followed directly by a 10-minute silent
meditation, allowing the Intentions to be absorbed and the men to get settled.
 Ask each man to succinctly share the following (you may email these points to the men in
advance so they have time to consider each point):
 Name, age and occupation
 What drew him to want to participate in a Men’s Group
 What he wants to get out of Men’s Group and what areas of his life he wants to impact by
attending Men’s Group
 What he brings (strengths, skills, experience) to Men’s Group
 Discuss the Agreements of Men’s Group, especially around Attendance and Confidentiality. Have
all men verbally agree.
 Discuss the Structure, including how/what to Share and how to give Reflection. Check in with
how everyone feels about following the structure and whether anyone has a request/suggestion
to amend the structure in any way.
 Discuss and decide on how you will conduct the 4-month Foundation Period
 With the remaining time, you may:
o Do a short, silent meditation
o Have a round of Sharing and Reflection

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The Foundation Period
The first 4 months of a new Men’s Group is a fundamental ‘foundation period’. It’s likely that none of
the men have ever experienced this unique way of interacting with other men, so it takes time,
patience and commitment to get everyone comfortable with the process and the structure, not to
mention with each other.

Your group may decide to jump straight into the ‘normal’ structure of a Men’s Group, in which men
share whatever issue they choose or whatever they are currently dealing with or challenged by.
However, it may serve to give the men some content from which they can share. In that case, you may
choose one of the following methods for the first 4 months of a Men’s Group:

1. Use a book as a springboard for sharing

 Before each gathering each man reads assigned chapters of a chosen book. We have chosen “The
New Manhood” by Steven Biddulph and “The Way of the Superior Man” by David Deida as two
powerful resources to stimulate thought and conversation. In the Addendum section of this Field
Guide you will find contemplations, questions and challenges for these readings.
 At the Men’s Group, each man uses their talking time to share their experiences, insights and
feelings having read the assigned chapters and the contemplations associated with those
readings.
 Men may choose to keep a journal in which to reflect on the readings and the
contemplations/questions/challenges.

2. Focus on a specific theme as a springboard for conversation

Use the Questions for Men in the Addendum (one Question per session) or share your thoughts
and insights on one of the following areas at each session:
 Fathers and Fatherhood
 Sex and sexuality
 Work and career
 Integrity
 Health and well-being
 Emotions
 Purpose
3. Use the Men’s Well-Being Assessment, Integrity Checklist or Core Values Assessment (in the
Addendum) as a springboard for sharing
 Ask each man to complete the checklist or assessment in their own time
 For the checklist, use each area and the results as a focus for sharing across six sessions. For the
assessment, share your core values in one session.

22
Structures and
processes for an
effective Men’s
Group

23
Summary of structure and processes
The following structure is quite a rigid one, and it’s what works for most Men’s Groups, but each group
needs to explore the structure that will work best for their needs. Some Men’s Groups have a lot less
rigor around their structure, or no structure at all, allowing a more free-form style of conversation. Our
experience is that a more rigid structure provides a framework that really works for the masculine, and
then allows for more flexibility when required. We suggest you begin by using this structure, and then
tweak it based on the needs of your group and the men within it.

Below are the 6 main processes that give structure to a Men’s Group, with further details on each
process in the following pages:

1. Meditation: Begin the group with a meditation to get the men grounded and settled and
present.

2. Checking in: Each man briefly checks-in with himself and the rest of the group as to where he’s
at and how he’s feeling.

3. Sharing: Each man has an opportunity to speak freely and uninterrupted for a designated
period of time.

4. Reflection: When a man has finished his share, he can then receive reflection from the other
men (if he wants it). This might be in the form of feedback, an insight, a challenge or a simple
acknowledgment.

5. Physical activity: Mid-way through the shares, it can be effective to take a short break and do
some physical exercises to ground the men and get everyoneinto their bodies and out of their
heads.

6. Closing: A final check-in to close the group and ensure no man leaves with “unfinished
business”.

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 Meditation
10-20 minutes of meditation at the beginning of each Men’s Group allows the men to get grounded and
present and also to check in as to how they’re feeling.

 Ideally, it’s 10-20 minutes of silent meditation.

 Try focusing on your own breath, observing each natural inhalation and exhalation, and when
you notice your mind wandering, come back to the breath.

 If there are men in the group who have never meditated before, you may wish to explore different
types of meditation techniques, such as mantras, guided visualizations, mindfulness meditations, etc.
There are plenty of apps now available such as Headspace or Insight Timer that can be used to support
the meditation process.

Checking in
After the meditation, ask each man to check in with himself and then verbally with the rest of the
group as to where he’s at and how he’s feeling. He may do this by simply giving a rating out of 10,
where 1 is feeling rock-bottom and 10 is feeling great. Even more effective, you may ask each man to
check in by pin-pointing one of the four basic emotions (Bill Kauth’s “Circle of Men”):

Glad: I have what I need/want: feeling loved, appreciated, satisfied, happy, excited, peaceful, enthused,
pleased, tender, accepted, content, joyful.

Mad: Something is blocking the attainment of what I need/want: feeling angry, hateful, frustrated,
hostile, aggravated, mean, irritated, annoyed, enraged.

Sad: I’ve lost something that I needed/wanted: feeling helpless, rejected, grieved, disappointed, lonely,
deserted, empty, alone, lost, heavy.

Scared: I may lose myself and what I have, while trying to attain what I need/want: feeling fearful,
overwhelmed, afraid, nervous, terrified, insecure, vulnerable, weak, guilty, ashamed.

For example: “I’m at 9 right now, feeling GLAD because my partner and I are really connecting well at
the moment”

“I’m at a 4 right now, feeling SCARED with a lot of uncertainty at work at the moment”.

25
An alternate method for checking-in, created by Arne Rubinstein and the Rites of Passage Institute, is
the GOLDEN check-in.

G. how are you going overall?

O. what have you been occupied with?

L. what have you liked recently?

D. has anything been difficult?

E. what are you excited about?

N. what support do you need?

Sharing
The capacity to speak clearly and unequivocally about ones thoughts, feelings and
desires is a masculine trait that doesn’t come naturally to most men, yet can be
developed and strengthened. Sharing authentically is core to Men’s Group, and it is what
makes the biggest and richest contribution to men’s lives. Many men, despite being
surrounded by friends and family, feel isolated and alone in their true experience of life.
Sharing – speaking your truth, from your heart – is challenging, enlightening, and
liberating.

Sharing in a safe space is a unique opportunity for men to speak openly and honestly about themselves
and their lives. It is not a step-by-step detailed account of what you did since the last meeting. It is not
an unconscious ramble. It’s not story telling. It’s about being bold, vulnerable, and for the first time for
some of us, being real. This is sharing from the heart (distinct from sharing from the head), and it’s
immensely empowering.

The purpose of sharing is:

 To declare what’s going on in your world
 To be held account for who you say you want to be
 To explore what it means to be a man and be in and explore your masculine essence
 To create and re-create your purpose on an ongoing basis
 To check whether you are living consistent with your purpose

26
 To experience being heard and being seen by other men who do not belittle what you’re up to in
the world or what you’re stopped by
 To be in a space where you are free to express exactly what you are or have been experiencing –
your frustrations, sadness, loneliness, embarrassments, anger, fear – with no need to ‘look good’
or ‘have it all handled’, nor fear recrimination or blame.

What to share:
 Moments of triumph and victories; challenges and obstacles
 Events and conversations you’re proud of and not proud of;
 Circumstances when you have felt like a man and when you haven’t – what did you say/do? How
did that feel?
 Times when your masculine essence has been expressed and when it’s been suppressed;
 Examples when you have been in or out of integrity
 Situations when you were stopped and when you triumphed - what was your access? What got in
the way? What impact did it have on the people you love?
 Moments when you were shut down and when you were open - how did that feel – for you and
for others?
 Interactions when you expressed love fully and when you experienced fear
 Whether you have been living consistent (or inconsistent) with your purpose - who were you
being? What did you think/say/do? What impact did that have?

When sharing, try to:

 Maintain eye contact with all men
 Breathe into your belly
 Speak slowly
 Practice being succinct
 Use “I” statements rather than the royal plural “you” when talking of your own experience.
 Keep a strong, still, upright, and open posture
 Avoid prologues like “I don’t really know what to share”, or “I’ve been thinking a lot about what to
share”. Allow for some silent pauses. Look the other men in the eyes and breathe again into your
belly. Be real, share your energy, your manliness, rather than descriptions of your experiences.
Take your time, breathe and feel inside yourself. Let your mind settle. The physical and spiritual
practices of the group will help you with being present.
 You don’t need to “make it” with the men in the group – there is no need to get it right, be
articulate, wise, clever or funny – even though we all get those urges from time to time. The men
will hear you, beyond words or strategies or techniques.

27
 Consider that your share is also a contribution to the other men. If it’s authentic it will be valuable,
no matter the content.

When another man is sharing, try to:

 Maintain eye contact with him
 Listen to what he is saying and what he is not saying and what’s underneath what he’s saying
 Observe your own reactions to what the man is sharing – notice your posture, your breathing, and
your thoughts.
 Avoid any external form of agreement or disagreement with what the man is sharing while he is
sharing. Stay silent and present, rather than laughing or nodding.
 Avoid interrupting or interjecting, unless it is an agreed signal to support the man to share more
effectively (see note below)

Structure for sharing:

 A timer is placed in front of the man sharing or one man can be nominated as the timekeeper
 If you have finished your share before your time is up, you may opt to request reflection to begin,
or you may maintain silent eye contact until your time is up
 If your time is finished but you have more to say you can continue speaking and fore-go reflection
time, but you may not speak for more than your allotted time (however in this case you will be
missing out on the very important part of the group, which is the reflection from the other men)
 If the man sharing needs more time the group can agree to allow more time. Another man may
choose to forego his sharing time if needed.
 If a man is rambling, not maintaining eye contact, sharing superficially or intellectualizing with long
explanations, any man can interrupt and call them on it. The group can also create an agreed
signal to let the man know he needs to be more succinct, or needs to maintain eye contact, or
needs to breathe or be more present.
 You may have a ‘sharing stick’ to remind everyone that he who has the stick is the only one talking
 Conclude your share with the word – “HO!” or “AHO” or some signal that you have completed you
share. The other men may also respond with a HO or AHO in acknowledgment. Some groups use
AHO to declare that what they heard was Authentic, Honest and Open.

It is not obligatory to share. If all men who wanted to share have done so, and there is still time left
(this will occur when there are less men present), you may choose to end the evening, or better still,
have an ‘open’ sharing time to delve deeper into any man’s current experience.

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Reflection
 Reflection is a response to a man’s share. It may come in the form of specific feedback, or as an
insight, perhaps a ‘challenge’ you want to offer, or sometimes most powerfully, as a simple of
acknowledgment for the man who shared.

Purpose of reflection:
 To serve the man who has just shared
 To experience the gift of serving another man
 An offering to the man who shared that will give him an access to living a life more closely aligned
with his purpose in such a way that leaves the man feeling empowered (and he may not like what
he heard and it may not make him feel ‘good’)
 To hear how others see and feel or perceive you

Giving reflection:
 The most effective reflection does usually not take more than 30 seconds. It may simply be just
one word. It is succinct and to the point.
 If a man’s reflection extends beyond one minute, he is more than likely rambling. Others will feel
themselves getting distracted and annoyed as he keeps talking. Call him on it. Just say the words
“you’re rambling” or “get to the point” or “keep it succinct”.
 Honor the experience of the man who just shared by putting your ‘opinions’ aside. Reflection is
distinct from opinions and judgements, which usually come from your own projections. Reflection
is also distinct from ‘advice’. Whilst opinions, judgements and advice may be required at times,
they need to be dealt out sparingly.
 Feel into the man you are giving reflection to. Did he share from his head or his heart? Was he in is
body and breathing deeply or was he scattered, breathy and flighty? Did he maintain eye contact
or was he avoiding the eyes of the other men? Did he feel trustable or un-trustable? Did he feel
clear and connected to his purpose or did he feel slimy, evasive or inauthentic?
 Be ruthlessly compassionate. Reflection is not about being nice; the aim is not to break the man
but to say what needs to be said and have the balls to say it. He may not like what he hears, but he
gets that the reflection is given in order to serve him. This is being ruthlessly compassionate. If a
man is left with a new insight or an access to taking action, he has been served well.
 Reflection is given lovingly – not as a bully, not to create fear nor diminish the man. To deliver
feedback in this way is part of the art of being a superior man.
 Listen to the other men’s reflection. If it’s been said already, do you need to say it again? Will that
serve the men? Breathe and be fully present to each man giving reflection and take that in - it’s a
gift for you too. If you have no reflection to add, it’s ok to say “pass”.

29
30
Scoring reflection:
Scoring is a barometer of how effectively you have felt into the man who shared and a measure of
whether your reflection has ‘hit the mark’ and made a difference. It is generally an indicator of how
present the reflection giver was to the man who shared and to what he shared and whether he
intuited beneath what was shared.

Scoring of reflection is definitely optional but highly recommended to explore at some point in the
group’s evolution, especially in the early days.

 When a man has completed his reflection, the recipient of the reflection will give a score out of 10
for the feedback.
 A ‘10’ means the man’s reflection was spot on. It means the man giving you reflection really heard
you. Ideally, the reflection clarified something for you, gave you a deeper insight, or empowered
you into action.
 Alternatively, instead of scoring each man’s reflection, the man who shared can give a “big HO” to
the man who he felt gave him the most powerful reflection.
 You may feel that your reflection has totally hit the mark. Your reflection may even be validated by
similar comments from other men in the group. However, this may or may not be evidenced by
the score you receive. You may think it was a ‘10’ but get a ‘2’.
 Your score for your reflection is a measure of how it was received and the state of mind of the
man who has received your reflection.
 Do not let the score diminish you or make you think that your reflection was ‘wrong’. Just used it
as an opportunity to reflect on how present you were to that man and the other men in the group.
 Similarly, observe your ego when you get a high score for your reflection.

Passing on giving reflection:

 If a man feels he has nothing to add or contribute to the man who has shared then it is best that
he ‘pass’ rather than speak for the sake of speaking.
 Passing on reflection is not to be done lightly nor regularly. The man who passes on reflection
needs to be clear for himself why he has opted to pass.
 In the same vein, to say something like “I agree with what everyone else has said” is unnecessary.

31
Response to reflection

 Receiving reflection is an essential element of developing the masculine. It is an access to growth.

This growth is achieved by remembering why the man is giving you reflection or suggesting a
challenge.
 You may not like what you hear. It may hurt. But if it does hurt, it may also contain a kernel of
truth. Try it on. Breathe it in. Sometimes the person we are most blind to is ourselves.
 Reflection is not necessarily the truth. It may be wrong. It may be way off the mark. You do not
need to take it on. Regardless, listen and breathe it in. If it has triggered you, get clear with the
man who gave it, but own your reaction.
 Try not to respond to respond verbally, or defend your position. It takes something to give a man
honest reflection, so acknowledge it with a nod or a verbal ‘ho’, score the reflection (if
appropriate) and then move to the next man for more reflection.

32
 Challenges
“Sit down with your closest men friends and discuss what you are doing in your life and what you are
afraid of doing. The conversation should be short and simple. You should state where you are at. Then
your friends should give you a behavioral experiment, something you can do that will reveal something
to you, or grant more freedom in your life.

Your close men friends should be willing to challenge your mediocrity by suggesting a concrete action
you can perform that will pop you out of your rut, one way or the other.

You should be able to trust that these friends will tell you about your life as they see it, offer you a
specific action which will shed light on your own position, and give you the support necessary to live in
the freedom just beyond your edge, which is not always, or even usually, comfortable.” (David Deida)

There are times when it is appropriate and necessary to challenge another man to take on an action
that will shift how he is being in the world. As the masculine thrives on being in action, the idea of
‘challenges’ totally resonates with being a man in the world.

 Challenges can include doing something differently, or being/behaving in a different way. The
challenge you propose to another man is designed to make a difference to the life and experience
of that man. Before challenging a man, feel into this man and consider: what could he do between
now and the next group that would directly or indirectly impact what he’s going through?
Examples:
○ “I challenge you to exercise 3 times a week”
○ “I challenge you to meditate 10 minutes every day”
○ “I challenge you to ask one woman on a date”
○ “I challenge you to have a conversation with….”
 This is a powerful tool however it can also easily be collapsed with an expectation of how another
man ‘should’ be or what he ‘should’ do; this is a judgment and thus needs to be carefully
considered before being expressed.
 A challenge can generally be responded to in three ways:
1. Accept. You’ll take on the challenge, and declare “by when”, and to whom and how you will
report its completion. Be specific- this will provide accountability.
2. Decline. If a man feels the challenge won’t serve him, or if he has considered and found
himself unable/unwilling to fulfill, “I decline” will suffice
3. Counteroffer. I pass on the challenge to do x but will do y. Again, declare “by when”, and to
whom and how you will report its completion.

For a more detailed process around ‘challenges’, see Peter Hagerty’s Challenge Circle” section in the
Addendum toward the end of this guide.

33
Physical Exercises
The masculine thrives on being physical. Use these or other exercises at any point in the group to shake
things up and get the men into their bodies and out of their heads.

For grounding/focusing/energizing/lightening up:

 Stand with feet hip width apart, eyes closed, hands by your side, knees slightly bent, tongue
resting on your palate. Breathe deeply into your belly, into your balls. Exhale up your spine and
into your head. Visualize a closed circuit with your breath, down into your balls, back up your spine.
Have the men hold this pose for 2-5 minutes.
 Stand opposite another man. Look in both his eyes, but focus on his right eye. Find his breathing
pattern and inhale and exhale together, maintaining eye contact. Hold this position for 2-5
minutes.
 As above, but when you feel the other man getting distracted or not being present, give him a firm
slap on his upper arm. When you feel yourself getting distracted or not being present, slap
yourself firmly on the chest.
 Each man makes up an exercise for all the men to do for 2 minutes. The men do the exercise, then
the next man explains his exercise, and so on.
 Chi-gung and yoga poses

Closing

 To close the group, you may invite everybody to briefly share their present feeling so no man
leaves with “unfinished business”. You may also close with another meditation.
 Finally, encourage the group to close with some form of physical contact. Our group follows Bill
Kauth’s (“Circle of Men”) suggestion of linking arms over shoulder in a close circle for as long as it
takes for each man to make and hold brief eye contact and connection with all of the other men.

34
Sustaining a
Men’s Group

35
Men’s Group as a ‘team’: phases and dysfunction
In a sense, the men in your Men’s Group become a ‘team’. Perhaps different to a ‘work team’ or a
‘sports team’, yet nonetheless a team in the sense that you are group of men who develop and grow
together with overall goals (see Intentions on p.7). It’s therefore valuable to understand the common
phases and dysfunctions that most teams experience. It might simply be enough to acknowledge which
phase of development your ‘team’ is at and whether any of the challenges you might be facing are one
of the 5 common dysfunctions. Or it may be a springboard for a deeper discussion in order to
strengthen the groups cohesion and move through whatever phase it might be ‘stuck’ in.

36
 5 Dysfunctions of a Team (Patrick Lencioni)

Re-evaluating Structure and Process

There is a strong need for a group to have an agreed upon structure and a clear process. But there is an
equal need to always being open to re-evaluate that same process and structure; to ask, at certain
points in the group’s evolution (especially when men leave and new men join):
 Does the current process and structure serve the ultimate purpose of the group?
 Could a different process and structure enhance the experience of the men within the group?
Spending an entire session on evaluating structure and process can be uncomfortable and confronting
(particularly if those structures and processes have been in place and have seemingly ‘worked’ for a
number of years). If possible, observe and express your resistance to changing structure and process,
but be wary of stepping over it or avoiding it. If handled effectively, it can be one of the healthiest
conversations your group can have, and is a vital component of the ongoing development of a Men’s
Group.

There will be times when everyone is ‘on’ - the men are sharing from a place of true authenticity, and
they are giving laser beam feedback that really hits the mark. And there will be times when the men
are all over the place - their shares are rambling stories or surface level ‘reports’, and the feedback is
‘off’ mark, disintegrating into projection and advice giving.

37
Allow space for the natural ebb and flow of depth, impact and effectiveness of a Men’s Group.
However, if over time the men in your Men’s Group continue to feel that something is missing, or that
the group needs refreshing or to move to a new level, ask everyone to re-read the Field Guide and
determine what elements need refining. You might try one of the following:
 Do the readings, or choose a new book to work through as a focus for sharing
 Choose a topic/theme to share from at each gathering, rather than ‘free’ sharing.
 Look at whether the structure/timing of sharing and feedback needs to be loosened or tightened
 Bring back ‘scoring’ for feedback (either scoring each man’s feedback or giving a “big HO” to the
one man who gave you the most impactful feedback)
 Add physical exercises to the gathering, to break up the energy and get the men back into their
bodies
 Create or re-create the intentions of your Men’s Group
 Bring in new men
 Ask a man who is in another Men’s Group to attend your group (either physically or even via
online teleconference) and give feedback on your process (email us if you want our support!)
 Have each man write their own personal Mission Statement and share it
 Organize a weekend away with the men
 Use the Challenge Circle process in the Addendum

38
Handling conflict within Men’s Group
Conflict, either overt or suppressed, will arise at different times between men in a Men’s Group. It
might occur for a variety of reasons, including:

 Reaction to feedback that is given

 Reaction to another man’s share
 Reaction to the way a man shares
 Judgments regarding the way a man is dealing with his own issues
 A man not adhering to the agreed upon guidelines or rules of the group
 A man not feeling heard
 Unresolved issues

Dealing with conflict will be a reflection of the integrity and power of the group, and not dealing with
conflict between members of the group will erode the group’s integrity and power. Indeed, one of the
essential functions of Men’s Group is to ensure that conflict is resolved within the group. Resolving
conflict within the group has two central benefits:
1. It encourages each man involved to be more aware of their internal process and
2. It is a model of how to create and sustain healthy relationships (both within and outside Men’s
Group)

Some points to guide the group through conflict:

 There needs to be a safe space and understanding that conflict can arise, that it is ok for conflict to
be spoken about, and that conflict can and should be resolved.
 There needs to be an agreement that if conflict arises within the group, it an opportunity to
explore the underlying cause of the reaction.
 Conflict resolution commonly requires a process in which a clear distinction is made between:
a. Data: What happened or what was actually said
b. Thoughts: What thoughts the man had about what happened or what was said
c. Feelings: What emotions arose as a reaction or response to those thoughts
 A mediator may be required to facilitate the conversation and help clarify the above distinctions

39
Communication between meetings
 There will be times when life is so challenging that a man goes into ‘shut-down’. It happens to all
of us at some point, and to many of us frequently, and could be because of work, your
woman/partner, your child(ren), or even because of something that came up in Men’s Group. The
greatest indicator of shut-down is being out of communication - not responding to emails or SMS,
not calling people back.
 Men who are in Men’s Group will go into shut-down, and that is ok. They will go out of
communication, and that is human. But they need to be called on it by their fellow men. They
should, at the very least, declare that they are in shut-down. And if shut-down has caused them to
want to miss a meeting, they need to be willing to have a conversation about this with one of the
other men. That is the real opportunity for growth.
 Men may choose to have contact with all men or individual men within the group between
meetings. They may do this to share a triumph or a challenge they are dealing with.
 If a man chooses to ‘share’ using email, the other men need to give their feedback as if it was a
verbal share. Use ‘reply all’ when giving feedback – at the very least, give the man who ‘shared’ a
‘HO’ as a reply, to acknowledge their share.

Social gatherings
 There is great benefit in meeting socially as a group 3-4 times a year, though these meetings
should be distinct from normal meetings.
 Social gatherings can take whatever form the group decides: dinners out, BBQs, drinks at the local,
movie nights (ideally, related movies, such as ‘Men’s Group’), etc.
 The men might also consider going away over night or for a weekend. In keeping with the spirit of
Men’s Group, a hiking or camping weekend is probably ideal.
 One of the social gatherings may even include partners and children.

Guests and support

You may request that one of the men from our group attend one of your meetings (either in person if
your group is in Sydney, or online). This may be on the first meeting, or at any time when you feel
you want some feedback on the effectiveness of your process and structure. You can also email us
(bchurnin@gmail.com) at any time for some 1-1 support via email, or to set up a phone or online
teleconference support session (no charge!).

40
Inviting new men to the group
The decision to allow a new man to enter an existing group needs to be agreed upon by all members.
Allowing a new man into the group will impact the dynamics of that group – usually positively but
sometimes negatively. To enhance the process of bringing new men into the group, consider the
following:
 Some groups will allow a new man to have a trial of 3 sessions and then decide as a group if they
want him to join (and check if he wants to continue).
 Other groups will allow any man to join as long as he is aligned with the structure and agreements
of the group.
 If more than one man wants to join but there is only one spot available, the group needs to agree
on the process for choosing the ‘right’ man.
 The ‘right’ man is not necessarily someone who everyone ‘likes’ or is like anyone else in the group.
If a man trialing the group ‘triggers’ you, you might just have something important to learn from
him!

The new man, or any men trialing, should receive an email detailing the groups structure and
intentions or be directed to www.mensgroup.info so that they can receive and read a copy of this Field
Guide. They should be absolutely clear about:

1. The intentions of your Men’s Group

2. The structure of your Men’s Group
3. The agreements around attendance, participation and confidentiality.

41
Leaving the group
There will be situations where a man will request to leave the group, and situations where the group
will need to ask a man to leave the group. In the same way as there is a process for entering the group,
so too there should be a process for exiting the group. It can be an empowering or disempowering
process for the man leaving and for the group. Following a process for leaving the group will maintain
the integrity of the group and that of the men within it as well as the integrity and safety of the man
leaving.

Reasons why men want to leave:

 Life circumstances change meaning they cannot commit to regular attendance.
 They may no longer be committed to the intentions or the structure of the group
 They may be confronted by the intentions or the structure or indeed by particular men within the
group.

Reasons to ask a man to leave:

 They are unable to commit to regular attendance
 They are not able to share effectively or give effective feedback. In other words, they do not
contribute to the growth of the other men and/or are unable to be contributed to, despite all
efforts of the group to support him to do so.
 As the group is a forum for growth and development, if a man does not exhibit a capacity to
enable changes to occur in his life then the intention of the group is no longer being fulfilled. For
example, a man is coached continuously about a specific change he wants to make in his
relationship. Despite the feedback, he continues to have the same issues arise session after
session without exhibiting any commitment to change. If he is unable to shift this then he is
wasting his time and more importantly, the group’s time. Either he stops bringing the issue to the
group, or he needs to leave.

How to make it a win-win:

 Men do not enter a Men’s Group lightly or unconsciously, so men should not exit from Men’s
Group in this way either. A man should not exit Men’s Group in a way which leaves either
themselves or the other men ‘incomplete’. Everything that needs to be said should be said. This
does not mean everyone needs to be happy about the decision, but whether they are happy with
or not, they have had an opportunity to express themselves.
 Any man who wishes to leave the group should give prior notice via email that the next session
will be his last, or if he gives notice on the night, the next session will be his last.

42
 Any group that wishes a man to leave must have reached consensus on the decision. A
representative from the group (usually the man who invited him or the ‘leader’ of the group) must
call the man and let him know the thoughts of the group. Ideally, it should not come as a complete
surprise to the man; he should have received feedback previously from the group regarding the
issues around why he is now being asked to leave.

How to conduct the final meeting before a man leaves a group:

 The man leaving should be given the opportunity to attend a final session with the group so that
he can say his farewells and anything else that needs to be shared.
 Should he wish, the man leaving can attend the whole session, or he can be the first to share,
receive final feedback, and then leave.

Follow up:
 The man who leaves Men’s Group should receive a follow-up email after his final session thanking
them for participating in the group and wishing them the best for their future. If they have been
the ones who asked to leave, let them know they are always welcome back.
 Any man who leaves should ideally receive a follow-up email or call from the group 3 months after
they have left. Just a check-in.

43
Addendum

44
Men’s Well-Being Assessment
(Adapted. Created by and acknowledgement to: Maniphesto and the European Men’s Gathering)

This assessment is designed help you to take a snapshot of your current life and see how well you are
balancing various aspects of your spiritual health as a man. The goal is not to compare yourself with
others. Rather, it is to provide a starting point from which you can begin to purposefully pursue a
healthier spiritual life as a man with the support of other men.

Your answers will be yours to keep to yourself, and you will at no stage be required to share them with
anyone else (although you may choose to do so). Answering as honestly as possible will give you the
best possible starting point for this work.

The assessment is divided into seven sections with five statements for each section. Please circle the
number most appropriate for you for each of the statements.

Before you start

Please make sure that you are relaxed and have space for yourself to not be disturbed for the next 10 -
15 minutes before continuing. Leave it for another time if you are tired, irritable or hungry. Before
starting, set aside a few minutes to meditate or pray. Ask for guidance and be open to how it should
influence your life. You can choose to make this test the first step of establishing a baseline and
providing accountability for the work you will be doing moving onwards from here.

When you are ready, continue to the next page and complete the assessment.

45
Date:

Relationship to Men Doesn’t describe Partially Generally

me describes me describes me
I naturally see other men as
collaborators rather than 1 2 3 4 5
competitors.
I have a broad network of male
acquaintances who I feel 1 2 3 4 5
comfortable calling upon if I
ever need help.
I have one to three male best
friends who I can tell 1 2 3 4 5
everything to about my
life
I can talk to my father and/or
brothers 1 2 3 4 5
about any subject
I am comfortable being
vulnerable with other men 1 2 3 4 5
Relationship to Women Doesn’t describe Partially Generally
me describes me describes me
I have a strong, loving
relationship with my life 1 2 3 4 5
partner (or I have decided that
I want to be single).
I am free of unresolved conflict
with women, including my 1 2 3 4 5
mother.
I am good at setting
boundaries for women. 1 2 3 4 5
My thoughts about and actions
towards women are pure. 1 2 3 4 5
I understand the way women
think and how they work. 1 2 3 4 5

46
Relationship to Spirit Doesn’t describe Partially Generally
me describes me describes me
How I live my life reflects full
service to something greater 1 2 3 4 5
than myself.
Others regularly seek advice
from me on deep issues. 1 2 3 4 5
I know that I will die one day
and live a life in full acceptance 1 2 3 4 5
of that.
I am an active and valuable
contributor to a local 1 2 3 4 5
community of people gathered
around a positive shared
purpose
I have a regular practice which
connects me to that which is 1 2 3 4 5
greater than myself
Integrity Doesn’t describe Partially Generally
me describes me describes me
I am careful with my words,
and if I say I will do something, 1 2 3 4 5
then you can be completely
sure it will happen.
If I can’t fulfill on my word, I
declare it. 1 2 3 4 5
I work hard and with stability
to complete all my tasks. 1 2 3 4 5
I am the same person in all the
roles I play in life - work, 1 2 3 4 5
friends, communities, family,
etc
I have people close to me who
regularly challenge me and 1 2 3 4 5
offer me constructive
criticism.
My important decisions are
based on principles which I 1 2 3 4 5
know are right and good.

47
Purpose Doesn’t describe Partially Generally
me describes me describes me
I know what my gift is to the
world and am fully engaged in 1 2 3 4 5
giving it.
I have the ability and
motivation to make a unique 1 2 3 4 5
and valuable contribution to
the world.
I wake up every morning
energised and motivated to go 1 2 3 4 5
to work.
I feel inspired and creative in
solving challenges related to 1 2 3 4 5
my purpose.
People around me know what
my purpose is and recognise 1 2 3 4 5
me as an expert in my field.
Responsibility Doesn’t describe Partially Generally
me describes me describes me
I am 100% financially self-
sufficient and solvent. 1 2 3 4 5
I take full responsibility for
keeping my living and working 1 2 3 4 5
space tidy and clean.
I take full responsibility for
myself and my own life. 1 2 3 4 5
It is easy for me to apologise
when I realise that I have 1 2 3 4 5
wronged another person.
People regularly come to me
with problems and issues and 1 2 3 4 5
ask for my advice and
guidance.

48
Sexuality Doesn’t describe Partially Generally
me describes me describes me
I have a beautifully intimate,
sensitive and juicy sexual 1 2 3 4 5
relationship with my partner.
My sexual urges and impulses
are completely natural and do 1 2 3 4 5
not cause me to feel shameful
or embarrassed.
I do not watch pornography.
1 2 3 4 5
I can talk openly and freely in a
relaxed way about my 1 2 3 4 5
sexuality with others.
I have a healthy relationship to
masturbation and my own 1 2 3 4 5
body.

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Challenge Circle

(Created by Peter Hagerty – peter.thesourcefoundation@gmail)

The Primary Goals of the Challenge Circle are to provide:

 A forum for men to challenge one another.
 An opportunity for men to speak their mind concisely and powerfully about what they perceive
will benefit the growth of another man.
 Leverage to enable men to grow authentically and maximally.
 Accountability to enable men to stay on track with their perceived maximal growth path.
 A safe and confidential space for men to improve themselves.

Types of Challenges
The type of challenges can be virtually anything however they should be aimed at helping the man
grow in some area where he is either stuck, shut down or oblivious to something. An ideal challenge is
one that the man immediately and innately feels will benefit him in a way that makes him feel scared
and excited with an open heart and mind. He may not understand it at first but ideally will feel present
in his body when considering it.

Challenges should have a time limit on them and should be detailed in their description, this may not
require many words, just enough to avoid vagueness.

When
It is assumed that discussion and interaction have taken place between the men prior to the challenge
circle. The challenge circle is not the place to discuss issues or work through processes. Ideally a
challenge circle takes place at the end of a men's group or session in a course.

Issuing a Challenge
To issue a challenge men form a circle, sitting or standing, a man is chosen and all the other men in the
circle consider him for a few moments and what they sense will assist his growth. Then starting with
the man on the left each man states concisely what challenge he feels will assist that man's growth and
development. Then it moves to the next man.

Men who are issuing challenges are not permitted to rationalize, convince, justify or ruminate on good
challenges whilst in the circle. They make a suggestion or pass. The suggestions move quickly from one

50
man to the next. Men may pass without concern, if they have something to offer, they offer it,
otherwise they allow the circle to move forward. They may also choose to support another man's
suggested challenge.

Once all men in the circle have made a suggestion the man hearing challenges presented to him either
chooses one of them, modifies one of them or nominates his own challenge.

Then it moves to the next man.

Accepting a Challenge
When challenges are offered to the man it is his responsibility to choose one that he feels will assist
him. It is generally unwise to give in to peer pressure or majority rule. The man being challenged
should be always mindful that he is the one undertaking the challenge and it is his decision and his
alone as to what he will and will not undertake. On occasion it might be worthwhile to explore
something that the majority are suggesting but if this is undertaken, that in and of itself is the choice of
the man being challenged.

Consequences
Once a challenge is chosen it is generally useful for the man to have a consequence for not
undertaking, completing or succeeding in his challenge.

The Consequence should function in 3 main ways if the man fails his challenge:

1. It should deliver him much the same benefits as the challenge was designed to but with very
little concern for his comfort level.
2. It should serve as a reminder of the importance of his challenge.
3. It should ideally be enacted automatically or in a situation where there is a high level of
accountability, such as in the group, a public forum or in a way that can produce evidence of
having been undertaken.

The consequence is chosen in the same way as the challenge was and is chosen immediately after the
challenge is undertaken. It is more important that the man consciously chooses the consequence than
it is that he chooses his challenge. All men are free to choose not to have a consequence, if they feel it
interferes with or compromises their natural motivation to undertake the challenge.

The Role of Accountability Partners

After the challenge and consequence are chosen the man should either nominate someone or accept a
volunteer to hold him accountable. This is his accountability partner. Ensure that each man has an
accountability partner who is different to whom he is holding accountable and that everyone has an

51
accountability partner. In other words, no one should be holding someone accountable who is also
holding them accountable. This reduces collusion and buying into one another's excuses.

The role of the accountability partner is simply to check in with the man at least once during the time
period of the challenge to see how the challenged man is going. He may choose to offer support,
guidance, a different perspective and/or refinement of the challenge.

At its most basic level the accountability partner reminds the man of his challenge. It is common for
men to go unconscious to their challenge and have no memory of it at all. This can be one of the
hallmarks of an appropriate challenge. The way in which you hold someone accountable should be
determined by both parties, by the challenge itself and how it unfolds.

If an accountability partner fails to try to contact the challenged man and that man fails in his challenge
then the accountability partner is generally given the consequences of his own challenge, whether he
completed it or not. If he does not have a consequence listed then he may be given the consequences
of the challenged man, or perhaps some other consequences the group determines are commensurate
with letting another man down, tempered by the nature of the challenge.

If an accountability partner makes numerous (3 or more) attempts to contact the challenged man and
receives no response, he has fulfilled his duty.

Recording and Reporting

The leader of the group should makes notes of all challenges, consequences and accountability
partners and inform the entire group within 24 hours of the challenges being issued. It is
recommended that challenges are detailed in a general email going out to all men who were a part of
the challenge circle. It is common for men to forget details of challenges especially if he felt confronted
at the time. The leader gives the men 24 hours to come back to him with modifications and then
immediately sends out the modified challenges.

Revisions
In the initial 24 hours after receiving the challenges, men may reflect on the suitability of their
challenge. If in good conscience they feel a different suggested challenge is more appropriate for them
they may modify it accordingly. Such modifications may fall under scrutiny in the next meeting, session
or challenge circle. The challenged men are responsible for checking the details of their challenge, their
contact details and for getting back to the leader with modifications within 24 hours of receiving the
description of their challenge from the leader. Men should undertake their challenge as soon as
possible and not wait for the initial email or modifications to be returned, nor should they use the first
24 hours to ruminate and hesitate on taking action with their challenge.

52
How to Ruin a Challenge Circle
1. Allowing discussion and intellectual speculation about what will and will not work.
2. Allowing men to pause for indefinite periods of time while they think of a good challenge.
3. Being too serious in a challenge circle, sometimes humor opens up great suggestions.
4. Trying to convince someone to undertake a challenge they have already rejected.
5. Allowing people to have a second chance at suggesting a challenge invites intellectualizing,
endless revision and inevitable excessive chatter.

53
Questions For Men

(Courtesy of www.man-making.com)

The following can be used in the Foundation Period across the first 8 sessions, or can be used
individually at any Men’s Group to create a topic from which men can share:

1. Important Male Mentors

Who was an important male mentor for you (other than your father) as you were growing up? Share
how this man helped you along on your journey to manhood.

2. Between Boyhood and Manhood

Do you remember shyness, confusion, and the discomforts of no longer being a boy, but not yet being
a man? Will you share a story about the rapid growth in your body, your voice changing, your general
restlessness, feeling clumsy, stealing for the excitement of it, your emerging sexuality, embarrassing
moments (first hard-on), pimples, being with girls, or testing parents’ limits?

3. Important Lessons about Manhood

What were some of your earliest lessons you were taught about how to be a man? Who taught you?
Did the lessons come from your father, a relative, a friend, someone in the neighbourhood, or
someone else? Share one important lesson you learned about something men do… something men
don’t do?

4. Learning How to Be a Man

Share one of those moments when, on your own, you discovered or figured out one of the pieces to
the puzzle called “How to Be a Man.” It could have been from experimentation, reading, TV, movies, or
just watching older boys and men. What was your discovery, how did you figure it out, and what did
you learn?

5. When You Became a “Man”

What was THE moment in your life when you knew, for sure, that you had become a “man”? Who was
there? What was done? What event, action, or ceremony took place so that you knew a line had been
crossed and you were no longer a boy and had entered manhood? If you can’t remember any defining
moment, how do you feel about that now? How do you know if you are a “man” today?

54
6. Your Boyhood Adventures
Share one of the ways that, as an adolescent boy, you explored your hunger for adventure, challenge,
and testing your male powers. Did you build something, climb something, or push legal or parental
limits in some way? Did it happen in sports or with other boys in your pack? Was it competitive . . .
about being more powerful or competent than other boys? Did you prey on or play tricks on someone?
Did it get you in trouble? How does the story make you feel now?

7. Your Boyhood Heroes

As an adolescent boy, who was one of your male film, music, sports, or television heroes and what did
he teach you about manhood? Was there another man who was less visible and famous who stood out
for you? Who are your male heroes today?

8. Learning about Women

How did you learn (directly or indirectly) about relationships with the women in your life? Who taught
you how to treat women… how to love, argue, romance, do money, take care of, commit to, or
“love’em and leave’em?”
• Did you learn by watching your parents, relatives, TV, movies, or the neighbors?
• Did you get any direct lessons, such as, “a man always…” from anyone? Did the older boys tell
or show you what to do?
• Name an important lesson you acquired, the teacher, and the value of the lesson, for better or
worse, as you’ve progressed toward manhood.

55
“The New Manhood” by Steven Biddulph:
Readings and contemplations
Use these readings and contemplations in the Foundation Period or at any point to refresh your Men’s
Group to stimulate a focus for sharing. Please note that the questions/contemplations are not created
by Steven Biddulph (though he has given us his personal blessings to use them), and they will only
really make sense once you have read the relevant chapters of the book.

Before Session #1: Read Chapter 9 (pp191-216) Real Male Friends, consider the contemplations
below, and at the next Men’s Group, share your insights
• Think back to when you were a young schoolboy. How would you describe your friendship with
other boys?
• Were you ever bullied, ridiculed or persecuted because others thought you were gay? Did you
ever bully, ridicule, or persecute someone else because you thought they were gay? Looking
back, how do you feel about that now? In considering your participation in a Men’s Group, was
there any fear for you that others might think you’re gay?
• How would you describe your interaction with other men, and how does that differ at work,
versus with your close friends?
• Do you currently have, or have you ever had, a close male friend that you can confide in?
• Identify a moment in the past few weeks that you felt each one of the four primary emotions:
Anger, Fear, Sorrow, and Happiness
• In what situation are you most comfortable in the presence of other men? At work? At the
pub? Around a bbq? On the sports field? When another woman is present?

Before Session #2: Read Chapter 5 (pp101-117) From Boy to Man, consider the contemplations
below (courtesy of www.man-making.com), and at the next Men’s Group, share your insights
• Who was an important male mentor for you (other than your father) as you were growing up?
How did this man help you along on your journey to manhood?
• Do you remember shyness, confusion, and the discomforts of no longer being a boy, but not yet
being a man? The rapid growth in your body, your voice changing, your general restlessness,
feeling clumsy, stealing for the excitement of it, your emerging sexuality, embarrassing
moments (first hard-on), pimples, being with girls, or testing parents’ limits? How was it for
you?
• What were some of your earliest lessons you were taught about how to be a man? Who taught
you? Did the lessons come from your father, a relative, a friend, someone in the neighborhood,
or someone else? What was one important lesson you learned about something men do… or
something men don’t do?
• When, on your own, did you discover or figured out one of the pieces to the puzzle called “How
to Be a Man.” It could have been from experimentation, reading, TV, movies, or just watching
older boys and men. What was your discovery, how did you figure it out, and what did you
56
 learn?
• What was THE moment in your life when you knew, for sure, that you had become a “man”?
Who was there? What was done? What event, action, or ceremony took place so that you knew
a line had been crossed and you were no longer a boy and had entered manhood? If you can’t
remember any defining moment, how do you feel about that now? How do you know if you are
a “man” today?
• As an adolescent boy, how did you explore your hunger for adventure, challenge, and testing
your male powers? Did you build something, climb something, or push legal or parental limits in
some way? Did it happen in sports or with other boys in your pack? Was it competitive . . .
about being more powerful or competent than other boys? Did you prey on or play tricks on
someone? Did it get you in trouble? How does the story make you feel now?
• As an adolescent boy, who was one of your male film, music, sports, or television heroes and
what did he teach you about manhood? Was there another man who was less visible and
famous who stood out for you? Who are your male heroes today?
• How did you learn (directly or indirectly) about relationships with the women in your life? Who
taught you how to treat women… how to love, argue, romance, do money, take care of, commit
to, or “love’em and leave’em?”

Before Session #3: Read Chapter 1 (pp1-17) The Problem, and Chapter 2 (pp19-39) You and Your
Father, consider the contemplations below, and at the next Men’s Group, share your insights
• Which male mask have you worn for most of your life: cool dude? Hard worker? Good bloke?
Tough guy? Sensitive new man?
• Considering the three essential ingredients for human growth – affection, teaching, and
example – how would you describe the level of each that you received when you were growing
up?
• When was the time you truly felt ‘grief’? How did you handle it?
• How would you best describe your relationship with your father: Estranged? Argumentative
and prickly? A sense of Duty? Friends?
• Consider the darkest period of your relationship with your father when there was the most
friction between you. Did you ever talk to him about that period? Is it resolved, or is it still
present? Did you take the opportunity to talk about it together?
• What can, or do, you respect about your father?
• Are you ready to have a conversation with your father? What would it take to ‘fix it’ with him?
What’s in the way?

Before Session #4: Read Chapter 6 (pp119-141) The Five Truths of Manhood, consider the
contemplations below, and at the next Men’s Group, share your insights
• All men have ‘backbone’ and ‘heart’, but where would you rate yourself out of 10 in your
ability to ‘shift gears’ when needed?
• What would the people around you say they see more of, your backbone or your heart?
Does that differ at work, with your friends, and with your family?

57
 • Did you ever experience some form of ‘initiation’, either through great suffering or a
purposeful, formal event? If so, how did that shape who you are today?
• “Being extraordinary, being an outstandingly effective and valuable human being, is
available to anyone”. Consider this statement for a moment – how do you feel about this?
Do you believe it? Does it inspire you? Or do you notice some resignation?
• Read through and contemplate each of the Five Truths of Manhood. Where do you stand
on each truth? Which one are you most aligned with? Which one causes the most adverse
reaction within you?
• NOTE: The Five Truth of Manhood could be the theme for an entire session, or could even
be examined and explored one by one across 5 sessions.

Before Session #5: Read Chapter 3 (pp41-69) Men and Women, consider the contemplations below,
and at the next Men’s Group, share your insights
• “Only when you master independence can you step safely into closeness….a boy
approaches a woman wanting to take; a man approaches a woman wanting to give”.
Consider this statement carefully – are you ready for closeness? How do you approach
women?
• Look at the list of needs. Which is missing for you at the moment? Can you feel how that
may be harming you? How could you do something about it?
• If you’re in a relationship, look at the list of needs, this time considering your partner.
Which is missing for her at the moment? Can you feel how that may be harming her? How
could you do something about it?
• How do you react when your partner draws boundaries or doesn’t want what you want?
Can you welcome this? What would that take?
• Consider the two ‘deadly’ myths about relationships – have you ever at some point believed
them to be true?
• On a scale from 1 to 10, how ‘well’ do you argue with your partner? Do you listen and think
before you speak?
• Can you summon the Warrior when you need to? Do you stand up and speak out when your
needs for selfhood are being threatened? How do you react when your partner oversteps
your boundaries?
• Consider Gottman’s ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ – defensiveness, stonewalling,
criticism and contempt. Do any of these feature in your relationship? If so, which one in
particular creates the most tension in your relationship?

Before Session #6: Read Chapter 4 (pp71-99) Real Sex, consider the contemplations below, and at
the next Men’s Group, share your insights
• How did you learn about sex as a young boy?
• Think back to your first sexual experience. How did it happen? Was it a positive
experience? What impact did it have on your future sexual experiences?
• Are you currently having ‘junk sex’ or ‘real sex’?

58
 • When was the last time you had ‘junk sex’. How did you feel afterwards? How do you feel
about that junk sex partner now?
• “Many men, too, need to become orgasmic – as opposed to just ejaculatory”. Are these
two inextricably bound for you? Have you experienced the distinction?
• How often do you watch porn, and in what context? Are you addicted to porn?
• Read Jai Noa’s definition of a ‘creep’. Biddulph says that this process affects all men at
some point. Does this definition reflect an aspect of you?

Before Session #7: Read Chapter 8 (pp175-189) Meaning, consider the contemplations below, and at
the next Men’s Group, share your insights
• Write your life story in less than 100 words
• If you died tomorrow, what would the authentic epithet on your tombstone say?
• If you died a happy and proud man, what would the epithet on your tombstone say?
• “This is the heart of manhood…to care for the lives around us in wider and wider circles as
our ability grows”. Are you caring for the loves around you? What do you do, or could you
do, or have always wanted to do, to change the lives of others?
• Optional activity: complete the ‘Core Values Assessment’ and determine your top 3 core
values in life that give your life meaning.
• Optional activity: create your own personal Mission Statement.

Before Session #8: Read Chapter 10 (pp213-237) Finding a Job with Heart, consider the questions on
pp 238-231 (also below), and at the next Men’s Group, share your insights
• Do you do your share?
• Can you support yourself?
• Is your job one that allows you to improve the lives of others?
• Are you a provider?
• Do you create an infrastructure for the work of others?
• Do you train and develop other people, enhancing their lives and futures?
• Does your work help or harm the world, its people and its life?
• Does your work use your unique abilities and talents?

59
“Way of the Superior Man” by David Deida:
Readings and Contemplations
Use these readings and contemplations in the Foundation Period or at any point to refresh your Men’s
Group to stimulate a focus for sharing. Please note that the questions/contemplations are not
endorsed by David Deida, and they will only really make sense once you have read the relevant
chapters of the book.

Before session #1: Read Introduction and Part 1: A Man's Way (Ch 1-10), consider the
contemplations below, and at the next Men’s Group share your insights
● If you did commit to spend an hour a day doing something you really love, what would it be?
● If you exclude ‘time’ as an obstacle, what else is getting in the way of you spending this hour
doing something you love?
● Make a list of the things you try to fix about your woman/partner. “If she no longer……. [fill in
the blank]”
● Challenge: Make a note of every time that you close down in the next two weeks, or every time
you closed down in the past two weeks. What happened to your body? Where did you feel the
shut-down?
● What have you avoided or suppressed because of the influence of your father?
● “All men are afraid, unless they are perfectly free”: what are your fears?
● Challenge: Describe your edge with respect to your career
● In the past two weeks, when have you denied your deep truth to please your
woman/partner/partner/others?

Before session #2: Read Part 1: A Man's Way (Ch 11-15), consider the contemplations below, and at
the next Men’s Group share your insights
● Challenge: “Your mission is your priority. Unless you know your mission and have aligned your
life to it, your core will feel empty”. Create your personal mission statement. (optional: use the
resource below)
● When have you spent time with your family over the past two weeks, knowing that you were
not fully present? What is it that you would rather have been doing? Which activity would have
been more aligned with your deepest purpose?
● Notice when you have been in “do mode” these past two weeks. Were you a “robot of duty”?
● When did you feel that your woman/partner/partner was “testing” you? How did you react?

60
Before session #3: Read Part 2: Dealing with Women (Ch 16-22), consider the contemplations below,
and at the next Men’s Group share your insights
● When did your woman/partner/partner say something that you felt was “not true” or that she
was “lying”? When were you surprised by her actions, thinking to yourself “but you said…”.
How did you respond?
● Challenge: praise specific things you love about your woman/partner/partner at least once a
day.
● When have you felt burdened by your woman/partner’s/partner’s mood? What did you do?
How did you react?
● Describe a time when your woman/partner/partner was in a bad mood and you wanted to
analyze and fix the problem.
● Challenge: the next time you notice your woman/partner/partner in an emotional mood of
closure, practice opening her by creatively using humor or your body rather than just talking to
her. What happened?
● Have you and your woman/partner/partner been in a decision-making process and you said
“it’s up to you – you decide”?
● Challenge: instead of asking your woman/partner/partner what she would like to do on your
next date or time together, make a plan and tell her it’s all taken care of.

Before session #4: Read Part 3: Working with Polarity and Energy (Ch 23-28), consider the
contemplations below, and at the next Men’s Group share your insights
● When have you felt attracted to feminine essence? What was it that attracted you? Were you
able to relax into the attraction and feel it in your whole body, or did you feel uncomfortable or
ashamed?
● How would you describe your relationship with your woman/partner/partner with respect to
polarity? Is it neutral, or are you more feminine and she more masculine, or do you have a
more masculine essence and she a more feminine essence?
● Has your relationship become depolarized? Have you chosen a woman/partner who is your
sexual reciprocal?
● Are your woman/partner’s light and dark sides equally embraceable by you? What aspects of
her feminine essence do you resist, or try to fix?
● Are your conversations with your woman/partner dominated by talking about finances, work,
household or children? Has your relationship “become relegated to a well-meaning partnership
of domestic duty”?
● Do you find yourself thinking or fantasizing about having sex with other women besides your
intimate partner? Have you acted on your desire?

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Before session #5: Read Part 4: What Women Really Want (Ch 29-34), consider the contemplations
below, and at the next Men’s Group share your insights
● Are you in a situation where you want to be with a woman/partner who doesn’t want to be
with you? Have you ever been in this situation?
● Have you experienced your woman/partner wanting one thing yet asking for another? How did
that play out?
● What is it that your woman/partner complains about you? What might be beneath her
complaints?
● “When you don’t follow through with what you say you are going to do, she feels that your
masculine core is weak.” What have you said you would do but have yet to do?
● Challenge: complete one task that you have told your woman/partner you would do but have
not yet done.
● Has your woman/partner become the point of your life, or the most important thing in your
life?
● Think of a time with your woman/partner when you made a mistake, or failed at something, or
didn’t do what you said you’d do. Your woman/partner is disappointed with you and you’re in
the heat of an argument. Have you found yourself referring to past successes, or times when
you did do what you said you’d do? How did your woman/partner react to your defensiveness,
justifications or excuses?
● In what way have you lost (or lack) direction financially, sexually, emotionally or spiritually?

Before session #6: Read Part 5: Your Dark Side (Ch 35-38), consider the contemplations below, and at
the next Men’s Group share your insights
● When was the last time you really ravished your woman/partner, embracing her with masculine
force and aggressive passion? When was the last time you forced her to surrender to receive
your strong love? What comes up for you at the thought of doing so?
● Challenge: ravish your woman/partner!
● If 10 means you would face death if need be, and 0 means you would run away, how would you
rate yourself with respect to your energy as a warrior? Would that rating change in different
circumstances? How?
● What moods or emotions does your woman/partner exhibit that you can’t be with?
● What moods or emotions do you exhibit that your woman/partner can’t be with?

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Before session #7: Read Part 6: Feminine Attractiveness (Ch 39-43), consider the contemplations
below, and at the next Men’s Group share your insights
● Have you been feeling that “there aren’t enough women” or “life is not sustaining me”?
● Are you rejecting, resisting, resenting or ‘putting up with’ your woman/partner?
● Has your relationship become depolarized? Is it on the way to becoming so?
● Challenge: breathe EVERY woman/partner in. Don’t ogle them, but BE PRESENT to them as
woman/partner, as feminine energy. Be especially aware of the radiance of older women. And
then practice circulating any lust or sexual that arises throughout your whole body, using your
breath, inhaling down into your balls and exhaling up through your spine.

Before session #8: Read Part 7 and 8: Body Practices and Men's Women's Yoga of Symmetry (Ch 44-
51), consider the contemplations below, and at the next Men’s Group share your insights
● Challenge: the next time you ejaculate, feel into your body and your energy.
● Challenge: the next time you have sex with your woman/partner, or are masturbating, focus on
your breathing, opening the front of your body. See if you can circulate your sexual energy
throughout your whole body, away from your genitals or your head, using your breath. Become
aware of the parts of your body that have become tense, and relax them. Don’t ejaculate!
● Challenge: at the next Men’s Group, observe your body - focus on your posture and your
breathing - when you are sharing and when you are listening.
● Challenge: Make sure the group does at least one of the exercises that enhances this bodily
observation, especially some of the partner exercises.
● Challenge: practice the pelvic floor strengthening exercises. Another good exercise that you can
do is while you are urinating. Stop the flow of urine, do one circular breath, then start it again.
Try this 3-4 times when urinating.
● Challenge: sit in silence for 10 minutes every day
● Mega Challenge: “the two ways to bring you right to your masculine edge of power are
austerity and challenge”. Take a week off. Isolate yourself from the world. Do nothing but sit in
silence and eat and sleep when you need to.
● Challenge: at the next Men’s Group, ask the men for a challenge. They have been working with
you for the past 4 months - trust that they know you and they know what will take you to your
edge. Make sure that there are ‘consequences’ if you don’t achieve your challenge.

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Mensgroup.info Integrity Checklist
A man with integrity is a man who is whole and complete. Having integrity is having a life that you’re
proud of, a life that works for you and for those around you. It’s about doing what you said you’d do,
being who you say you are, and cleaning it up when you can’t honor what you said you would.

A man with integrity is a man who is reliable and trustworthy, a man that can be counted on. Integrity
forms the foundation for all relationships, but most importantly it’s at the core of how you relate to
yourself.

Being in integrity is not an outcome, it’s an ongoing process of reflection and correction. Effective men
are not perfect men who have everything sorted. Rather, they are men who keep looking at where and
when they are in and out of integrity, and then make the appropriate commitment to a path of action.

The Integrity Checklist is an exercise that each man can complete on their own, in their own time.
However in its most powerful form, the results and insights from the exercise are shared at a Men’s
Group. They may be shared in one session, or you may choose to use each of the 6 areas as a theme or
focal point for each session, spreading across six separate Men’s Group sessions. In this way, it could
provide a great structure for the first six sessions of a new group (instead of the
readings/contemplations found in the Field Guide), or as a process to refresh an existing Men’s Group.

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Work/Career

True False
  My work enriches, inspires and stimulates me
  I am proud of what I do for a job
  I feel appreciated at work
  I respect the people I work with
  The people I work with/for respect me
  My work reflects my core values
  My work environment is clear and uncluttered
  I complete my work within reasonable hours
  I have clear boundaries around my work and personal life
  I have the right skills for my work and am constantly developing my
skills
  I have the equipment necessary to do a good job
  I delegate appropriately and without guilt
  I know where my career is heading
  I take sick days when appropriate and don’t take leave
inappropriately
TOTAL

Finance

True False
  I spend less than I earn
  I have a budget and I live by it as best as I can
  I save or invest at least 10% of what I earn
  I earn what I think I’m worth
  I pay my bills on time
  I am up to date with my taxes
  I have appropriate insurance
  I use my credit card wisely
  My wallet is uncluttered
  I donate regularly to charity
  I have a will that is up to date and can be easily accessed
  I have a long-term financial plan
  I know how much I owe and have an active plan to reduce my debts
  I am able to reward myself without feeling guilty
TOTAL

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Health/Body

True False
  I have regular health check-ups
  I maintain an exercise program that keeps me fit and vital
  I visit the dentist every 6 months
  I have a balanced diet including lots of fresh food
  I am within my normal healthy weight range or Body Mass Index
  I consistently get adequate and restful sleep
  I do not smoke
  I do not drink alcohol every day nor binge drink
  I drink at least 2 liters of water every day
  I am not concerned about my stress levels
  I clean and floss my teeth every day
  I feel generally well and have the energy I need to get through most
days
TOTAL

Home/Environment

True False
  I am happy with my home
  I like the suburb/town/city I live in
  All the rooms in my home are generally clear, clean and uncluttered
  I surround myself with things that I love and that nurture me
  I have photos of loved ones on display
  I am proud and enjoy to have visitors in my home
  I recycle
  All my personal and domestic items are well-maintained
  My personal files are in order
  I use resources (water, electricity, etc.) wisely
  I do not litter
  I am happy with my mode of transport
  I give away clothes and items that I no longer need or use
TOTAL

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Relationships

True False
  I am satisfied with the level of intimacy in my life
  All my past relationships are completely healed
  My partner and I respect and trust each other
  I get along with my work colleagues
  I consider myself to be a good friend
  I see people who are important to me regularly
  My friends and family know how much I care about them
  I am on good speaking terms with my neighbors
  I respect my parents and all they have done for me
  There is nothing I have not said to anyone that is on my mind &
needs to be said
  I am satisfied with my social life
  I spend quality and adequate time with my partner and/or children
TOTAL

Personal

True False
  I spend time every day doing something just for me
  I like who I am and have a healthy self-esteem
  I have had a birthday party in the last 2 years
  I have interests outside of work and family
  I have the confidence to do what I want in life
  I have no addictions that control me (including coffee, cigarettes,
porn, alcohol)
  I have adequate holidays every year
  I don’t lie or exaggerate
  I am rarely late
  I am comfortable saying no when I need to
  People know they can rely on me to do what I say I’ll do
  I can easily recall the last time I really laughed and had fun
  I have a form of creative self-expression
  I have no broken agreements, unfinished business or unresolved
issues
  I have an active “to-do” list that I use regularly to organize my tasks
  I have not borrowed anything that needs to be returned
TOTAL

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Integrity Summary

Work/Career: /14 %

Finance: /14 %

Health/Body: /12 %

Home/Environment: /13 %

Relationships: /12 %

Personal: /16 %

Total: /81 %

My strongest area:

My weakest area:

My commitments and actions

1. By when:

2. By when:

3. By when:

4. By when:

5. By when:

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Integrity questions for the moment

 If the situation were reversed, is this how I would want to be treated?

 Is this fair to everyone involved in and affected by my actions?
 Does this represent the whole truth – no distortions, omissions or spin?
 Will I feel good about this afterward (no guilt?)
 Will my parents be proud of this?
 Would I want this reported on the front page of a newspaper?
 Will this lead to positive consequences and avoid negative consequences now and in the
future?
 Would I want to live in a world where everyone did this?
 Would this be supported by the philosophical, religious, political and/or ideological values
guiding my life?

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 Core values assessment
This exercise will help you to clarify and refine what is truly important to you and what matters most in
life to you. Knowing your core values is one of the most important steps in leading your life as a
fulfilled and satisfied man. Take a look at the list of values below, and use them to answer the series of
questions below.

Abundance Commitment Efficiency Health Mastery Punctuality

Acceptance Communication Elation Helpfulness Maturity Quality
Accountability Community Elegance Heroism Meaning Quiet
Accomplishment Compassion Empathy Holiness Merit Rationality
Accuracy Competence Encouragement Honesty Mindfulness Recognition
Achievement Competition Endurance Honor Modesty Relationships
Acknowledgement Concentration Energy Hopefulness Money Reliability
Adaptability Confidence Enjoyment Hospitality Motivation Religion
Adventure Connection Enthusiasm Humility Nonviolence Resourcefulness
Affection Consciousness Equality Humor Openness Respect
Aggressiveness Consistency Excellence Imagination Opportunity Responsibility
Agility Contentment Excitement Independence Optimism Righteousness
Alertness Continuity Experience Influence Order Risk-taking
Ambition Contribution Expertise Ingenuity Organization Romance
Anticipation Control Exploration Inner peace Originality Safety
Appreciation Conviction Expressiveness Innovation Outcome Security
Assertiveness Convincing Fairness Insightfulness orientation Selflessness
Attentiveness Cooperation Faith Inspiration Outstanding Self-esteem
Audacity Courage Fame Integrity service Seriousness
Awareness Courtesy Family Intelligence Passion Service
Balance Creativity Fidelity Intensity Peace Simplicity
Beauty Curiosity Flexibility Intimacy Perceptiveness Sincerity
Belonging Daring Flow Intuitiveness Perseverance Skill
Blissfulness Decisiveness Focus Inventiveness Persistence Speed
Boldness Delight Forgiveness Improvement Personal Spirit
Bravery Dependability Fortitude Investing growth Stability
Brilliance Desire Freedom Joy Pleasure Strength
Calm Determination Friendship Justice Poise Style
Candor Devotion Frugality Kindness Positive Systemization
Carefulness Dignity Fun Knowledge attitude Teamwork
Caring Diligence Generosity Leadership Power Timeliness
Certainty Discipline Giving Learning Practicality Tolerance
Challenge Discovery Goodness Liberty Precision Tradition
Change Discretion Grace Logic Preparedness Tranquility
Charity Diversity Gratitude Longevity Presence Trust

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Cheerfulness Drive Growth Love Preservation Truth
Clarity Duty Guidance Loyalty Privacy Unity
Cleanliness Eagerness Happiness Making a Proactivity Variety
Collaboration Education Harmony difference Progress Well-being
Comfort Effectiveness Hard work Prosperity Wisdom

1. The person I respect most in life is . Their core values are:

2. My best friend is . His/her top three qualities are:

3. If I could have more of any one quality instantly, it would be:

4. Three things I hate (e.g., cruelty to animals, credit card companies, deforestation, etc.):

5. Three people in the world I dislike the most and why:

6. The personality trait, attribute or quality people compliment me on the most:

7. The three most important values I want to pass on to my children:

8. If I were to teach a graduating high-school class values that would give them the best opportunity
for success in life, the ones I would choose are:

9. If I had enough money to retire tomorrow, the values would I continue to hold:

10. The top qualities of the “ideal” man are:

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Have a look at your answers above and notice any themes. Taking what you’ve observed in others,
what others have observed about you, what you want for others, and things you would fight for or
against, create a list of your top 10 values (in any order) below.

Alternatively, simply highlight all the values in the list above that resonate with what’s most important
to you, and then choose your top 10 values:

Top 10 Values:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Now, reduce it down to the six most important to you. Put a star by the values you’re sure about. Then
take the ones you feel are important but aren’t sure if they’re top-six material and put them in pairs.
Think about two of those values side by side, and ask yourself which of the two is more important,
eliminating the other. Keep pitting the survivors against each other until you’re down to six. If some of
the values you listed are just two words describing the same idea, combine them.

Top 6 Values:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

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Finally, prioritize your core values in order of importance, with the most important first. All are
important, of course, but which are the most important? If you had to choose between two values,
which would you fight for, or even die defending? Now, which are your top three?

MY TOP 3 CORE VALUES IN LIFE ARE:

1.

2.

3.

1. Which of your top 3 core values are expressed in each of these areas of your life?

Work:

Home and personal environment:

Intimate Relationship:

Family:

Friends / social life:

2. Which of your top 3 core values are not expressed in each of these areas of your life?

Work:

Home and personal environment:

Intimate Relationship:

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Family:

Friends / social life:

3. What is the impact of not expressing your core values in these areas of your life?

Work:

Home and personal environment:

Intimate Relationship:

Family:

Friends / social life:

4. What can you do to bring your core values into all areas of your life?

Work:

Home and personal environment:

Intimate Relationship:

Family:

Friends / social life:

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