My Days As Ed "Pilot" Gene Lee

INT. EDS ROOM-EARLY MORNING Ed is reading the script for My Days As Ed. -Introduces Title- Ed crumples it up and throws it on the ground. A noose is hanging from the ceiling. ED, 19, fits his head into the noose. He is about to jump off his chair, but then a knock at the door interrupts him. SHIT! The knocks get louder. PRODUCER #1 Eeeed! Open up! PRODUCER #2 We have a lot to shoot today! Ed takes down the noose and tosses it to the side. He rushes to the door. Hey! The PRODUCERS burst through the door with the CAMERAMAN who automatically begins filming. PRODUCER #1 Good morning, Ed. Ready for the shoot today? Wheres your script? Producer #1 peers into the camera and then at Ed. Producer #2 signals to the cameraman to cut. Ed kicks the crumpled paper ball. ED Im not even dressed yet. PRODUCER #1 How do you think these glasses look? Producer #1 puts black rimmed glasses on Eds face. PRODUCER #1 Are they too San Fran-PRODUCER #2 Or too hipster? I dont know. It depends if he puts on that little red beanie he always wears. (CONTINUED) ED ED

CONTINUED:

2.

ED (irritated) How long is this shoot gonna take? PRODUCER #2 We have a long shot list today. You are joining the Mathletes-Ed groans. PRODUCER #1 You and your mom get in a fight, and-PRODUCER #2 Youre gonna ask either Stacy-or Macy! PRODUCER #2 To the prom. ED Stacy or Macy? Go change! Ed enters his restroom. He begins to watch his face. He looks to see his open window and then looks back at his reflection. Back in the room, Producer #1 is playing with a tube of mascara. PRODUCER #1 I was thinking we could throw on this mascara. It would give him an edgy, sort of goth-PRODUCER#2 Emo look? I dont know, wouldnt that be too, you know-PRODUCERS My Chemical Romance. The producers let out an inaudible "Ahh!", smile, and nod their heads in agreement. A thud is heard. The producers open the door to see the open window. PRODUCERS PRODUCER #1

3. EXT.CAMPUS-MOMENTS LATER Ed is running at top speed. As he is running, the opening titles run on the screen. As Ed turns the corner, he runs into STERLING, who is holding a box of random props. The box of props flies into the air. Ed and Sterling crash to the ground. They both recover. SHIT! STERLING Are you alright, Ed? ED Yeah. My bad. Let me help you. The two begin to collect all the props. ED Why do you have all these things? STERLING Well--I was gonna--uhh, I was on my--Where are the cameras? Ed picks up a gun. ED A gun? Are these a bunch of props? STERLING Yes! Yes! They are props. ED You were gonna go discuss plot ideas with the producers, huh? Even my own best friend?! Ed runs off with the gun. STERLING Wait! We should discuss my betrayal in a closed, private space. The producers catch up with the cameraman. PRODUCER #1 Is he still running? Man, he has the speed and legs of a-Producer #1 pauses to catch his breath more. Producer #2 runs into frame. (CONTINUED) ED

CONTINUED:

4.

PRODUCER #2 Kenyan and the body of a chocolate Zeus. PRODUCER #1 Are you thinking what Im thinking? PRODUCERS Booty Shorts. Producer #1 writes on his clipboard. Producer #2 looks at the Cameraman who has been recording everything. PRODUCER #2 What the hell are you doing? CAMERAMAN I thought--I was-The cameraman turns off the camera. PRODUCER #1 Theres no way we are beating Jersey Shore. PRODUCER #2 No fucking way. Not with this asshole on cam. EXT. WOODS-MOMENTS LATER Ed finds solitude. He sits against a tree and lets out a sigh. ERNESTINE is creeping in the background. ED There has to be another way out of this. ERNESTINE What are you shooting? Ed jolts! Ernestine screams! ED Oh, its only you Ernestine. I thought you were someone else. ERNESTINE There are no cameras?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

For now.. Ernestine puts on a grin. ERNESTINE Its just you and me?! ED Yea. I may have to run again if they find me. Ernestine grabs Ed. ERNESTINE Dont worry, Ed! I wont let them take you away from me! OH MY GOSH! I cant believe Im alone with you. I am about to shriek with the intensity of a wet geyser! ED NO! No shrieking! They might find us--wait, what? Ernestine blankly stares at Ed. The producers come in. PRODUCER #1 Ed! Come on! PRODUCER #2 Please stop! Ed throws down Ernestine and keeps running. The cameraman slowly catches up. PRODUCER #1 Did you catch any of that? CAMERAMAN I thought you said you didnt want me to record? Ernestine gets up and tackles the cameraman. ERNESTINE Youll never take him alive! PRODUCER#2 That wouldve made amazing television. Too bad you werent recording, asshole.

ED

6.

INT. BATHROOM-MOMENTS LATER Ed runs in and puts the trash under the door knob. He runs over to the sink and pulls out the gun. He looks at his reflection. He puts the gun up to his head. CHOONG exits the restroom. CHOONG Oh shit! Is this part of the show? Where the cameras at? Ed lowers the gun. ED Theres no cameras here. Just me. Choong is confused. CHOONG So, then why did you have a gun to your head. ED Just a prop. CHOONG Oh, I get it. Youre tired. Youre tired of your life being controlled by the producers and even more tired by your "friends" being extremely nice to you just so they can get their five seconds of fame. ED How did you know all that? CHOONG Ay man, I dont know why you have to do that, hanging yourself. I mean, look, you got it good dude. Youre famous! You have what everyone wants, those five seconds of fame times a shit ton. I dont see why youre so depressed about it. Hot girls want you, creepy girls want you, shit, straight guysll suck your dick too as hard as any gay guy. Ed takes a look at himself in the mirror. Sets the gun on the sink and washes his face.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.

ED I think I understand. If I want to be happy, I have to learn to cope with this reality. CHOONG And you will. Thank you. Ed goes outside. The producers and the cameraman are right there. ED Sorry about that. What are we shooting today? Choong smiles as Ed leaves. CHOONG Ha. Funny guy. Choong picks up the gun and puts it to his head. CHOONG Hmm, pretty heavy for a prop. Choong pulls the trigger and kills himself. ED