15/12/2021 – First session: 4.00p.m. to 5.30p.m.

It wasn’t my first counselling session (as a client), but it was my first online
counselling session and it was one that was attended not completely out of my intention.

Although the idea of attending counselling sessions initially came out from the
purpose of meeting the requirement of my study, I actually thought that it was an opportunity
or rather, excuse, to have a space to deal with some internal conflicts and unfinished business
within me, that perhaps have been lasted for a while.

The session started by filling up a consent form and some basic information through
Google Form prior to the counselling session. It felt quite strange initially during the
videocall, where it started by checking the clarify of speech and counsellor asked “so what
would you like to talk about?” I thought perhaps I was expecting for some explanation of
confidentiality (although it was already mentioned in the online form), and it may make me
feel more at ease if the counsellor could do a little bit of self-introduction at the beginning of
session.

Despite of the unmatched expectation at the initial stage, the session went on quite
smoothly, where I actually talked a lot. I was trying to give the counsellor as much
information as possible, with the hope that she could help me better with dealing with my
issue. I guess simply the nodding and or saying that “I know where you are coming from”
gave me the impression that she was listening and what I shared was being accepted. I shared
my struggle of worrying that I might be a hypocrite if I am aiming to be a counsellor, while I
am having negative emotions and conflictual relationships with my husband’s family
members.

What I appreciate about the counselling session was her acceptance, and basically, she
kind of focus on the positive prospect of life (without disregard the negative parts), where it
felt like changes are possible, that helped me to move away from the sense of helplessness.
The knowledge that she shared, using the Satir-model, was helpful for me to understanding
how growth is possible for me and painted the positive outlook.

Also, what surprised me was that, while I thought that PCT was one of the approaches
that I prefer, but there were times that when counsellor was nondirective, I sensed that there
were some little feelings of frustration in me, where I actually hoped that she could be more
directive and give clearer instructions, instead of having me to ask for what I want, for
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example, I asked for need for homework before the next session, I asked for ending the
session, and maybe I feel the lack of something without getting the summarization from her
before we ended, and after we had a 1.5 hours of conversation which covered a lot of things. I
feel like to do a lot of processing on my thoughts after the session and define my own goal
for the counselling session. Well, perhaps according to the theory of PCT, the counsellor’s
non-directiveness would force and help me to have the sense for self-directing, come out with
my own goals (for counselling sessions & life), and achieve personal growth.

Homework: To learn the difference between responses and reactions, and be aware of
the situations that would lead me to have reactions (negative), and notice of the similar
patterns of these situations.

Factors that may affect the effectiveness of counselling

(1) Client’s openness. While I think the counsellor’s competence and skills are important
in guiding client to get more in touch with own feeling and able to look at the issue at
different or wider perspective, client also plays an equal important part in deciding the
success of the session. I had the choice to decide when to share, what to share and
how to share and all of these affects how the sessions goes.
(2) Trust. It takes time to build trust. I found that I was not ready to share deeper feeling
and more personal experience during the first session.

What I learned:

(1) Definition of congruency. Congruency is not an either-or condition, but it can be

viewed as stages of development. There are three stages of congruency. First, it starts
with the awareness of own emotions, thoughts and behaviours, and how these could
change from one context to another. Next, one starts to feel more at peace or more
accepting towards what he or she does or says in the circumstance, without the
underlying of conflictual feelings, such as guilty, anger, and grievance, or thoughts “I
shouldn’t have said that”, and “I was so bad to say such words”. To achieve that,
acceptance is the key, acceptance towards others and self, as well as respect that each
individual is a separate entity that comes with own thoughts, feeling and behaviour,
which were influences by his or her personal life experiences.

3/1/2022 – Second session: 5.20p.m. to 6.20p.m.

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It was a rather educational session. While I recalled that I was hoping for a more
directive counselling approach (without reflecting this to the counsellor), I found myself a
little bit taken aback when the counsellor was providing me with suggestion on how I should
perceive my experiences and quite overwhelmed in a sense. In hindsight, I think I got the
feeling that the suggestions were given too fast before I got the feeling that I was understood.

I realized the incongruency in me. On one hand, I stop the behaviour of complaining
my grievances about my in-laws to my friends or family as I thought this is rather unhelpful
behaviour and I don’t like myself being that way; however, I found myself still have so much
to say whenever I have the opportunity, such as. 1133 role play or personal counselling
session. I’m now wondering myself; do I actually want to make any changes?

There were 2 things that the counsellor brought up, which I thought can be a useful
reference.

1. My behaviour of becoming more anxious and worrisome; I don’t like this part of
me but I miss myself as being a more carefree person in the past. I used to blame
this as part of the negative consequences that my in-laws have brought to me,
where they kept coming to do something on Yaya that I told them not to. I
recalled myself having heart palpitation whenever I heard the sound of door
opening from outside. The counsellor talked about how one change according to
the changes of self, others and environment, from Satir’s point of view.
She suggested me to look at my in-laws’ behaviours as part of the change of
environment, and at the same time acknowledge the changes of myself, e.g.,
single  married with children, my responsibilities; changes of others around me,
e.g., my significant others from parents, boyfriend and friends  parents,
husband, daughter. It is perfectly normal for everyone to go through changes when
we are going through the different stages and transitions in life.
2. My responses towards my in-laws’ comments. My counsellor suggested me to
separate the comments she makes about me into 2 parts: she is making comments
on my certain behaviours instead of making comments on me as a person. While I
can’t control what she actually means, I can control my interpretations on her
words, with the aim that so that I wouldn’t be so affected by her words. In
hindsight, I guess if I managed to view her comments separately instead of a
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personal attack, I would not feel that my self-esteem is being challenged and
hence less reactive towards her words.
3. Realistic expectations. She responded to my sharing of disappointment towards
my in-laws for not preparing cake for me on my birthday, by pointed out the blind
spot of my expectation, that it is not a definite fact for others to act according to
my expectation.

Generally, I think there are some takeaways from the counsellor’s suggestions; however, I
found myself feeling defensive when she was challenging my perspective by suggesting new
way of perceiving the experiences.

At the same time, I found myself being distracted from the process sometimes, where I had
the tendency to “assess” the counselling by trying to observe what is her theoretical approach,
what is her rationale for saying something or how is she trying to attend to me as a
counsellor. This tendency is rather distracting and in a way is creating a barrier for trust
building.

15/1/2022, 4-5pm