After some time, I would snap out of this, at some point, while writing my diary,

an immense feeling of anxiety overcame me, I thought “what am I doing” and I got up
and off of my computer, it was maybe 6 pm at the time, and my mom wasn’t home at
the moment, I had already left discord, so, practically speaking, I was alone, I
thought I could sort it off myself, after some minutes of panic, and fear of
possibly ending up as these people had, the anxiety and fear left as it had come,
out of nowhere. I decided to go back to writing, I sat down and wrote in a new
entry on my diary, as if nothing had happened, I still remember what it was, I was
finally moving on to how the tulpa would look. It would take me some time, it was
about 8 pm, I had been written for a little over 2 or 3 hours. And suddenly the
anxiety came back and I once again thought to myself “why am I still doing this”,
in a panic, I took my phone, opened discord, and told my friends what the situation
was, I finished telling them a small part of what was going on halfway trough the
text the anxiety left again, but this time I was aware of what was happening, or,
at least I felt aware. as such my brain finally reacted with cohesion to the
situation, building up a feeling of stress and uncertainty as to what I had just
done, as to what I was about to do. At this point I decided enough was enough, and
told myself that I would no longer go ahead with the creation of the tulpa, tho I
would keep my diary, as I thought it’d be funny to eventually go over it with my
friends, as there were many bits I considered interesting. this was a bad decision,
the next day I had to leave for a trip with my mother, as we were going to go to
the city where I study, in order to look for a room for me to stay in during the
semester, this quickly diverted however, turning into a mall tour with a friend of
hers. Some time during this, my mind had begun to wonder, and I would caught myself
day dreaming about tulpamancy, or thinking about how else I’d go ahead with the
tulpa creation process, even tho at this moment I had already decided I would not
pursue such a thing. By the end of the day, some how, I reverted in my decision, I
would create this tulpa, and so, I thought about it all day while we were on the
mall, as well as through most of the way of the ride home. But, at some point of
the ride, I came to my senses once gain, and then came the anxiety and fear. I
realized what I was doing, “its inevitable, I cannot control myself” I thought.
“this will end badly, and there is nothing I can do about it but watch myself ruin
my brain” I told myself while pretending nothing was going on, so that my mom and
her friend would not pester me about it. The anxiety left once again, but I was now
even more aware of my predicament, my thought process was “well, I cannot stop
this, but I can at least limit its negative effects, I can take precautions” which
was, really, just an excuse I made as to not deal with the obvious solution, which
would be to delete my diary, and hope that doing so would stop me from going any
further, from this point onward, I could not tell when I was being, quote on quote
“rational” and when I wasn’t. So when I got home, at about eight in the afternoon,
I booted up my computer, I opened the forums, my diary, and begun writing a new
entry, which I named “on precautions, possible repercussions, and workarounds to
them”, I also went and ask my friends to try to run frequent “sanity checks” on me,
just to be sure that everything was under control. at the moment I thought I was
being soo smart, I had somehow convinced myself that I had some way won over this
“episode” I was having, while not noticing I had just blown my chances of getting
out of it quickly, since I had gotten to a point where, one way or another, the
only concussion to my situation would be to create said tulpa.

That night, before going to sleep, very late, I decided to watch something on my
phone, as to calm my nerves and get my mind off of the situation, I decided,
funnily and ironically enough, to watch some episodes of my little pony, since I
had not yet finished the show, season five episode seven, “make new friends but
keep discord”, I don’t know what it was about this episode, maybe that I somehow
saw some kind of parallel between the plot of the episode and some situation that
was going on within my own group of friends, but it somehow managed to ground me, I
supposed, trough the episode, the interactions between the characters kept giving
me some strange kind of weight in my chest, as if it was being pushed in, as well
as a lot of stress, I tried to ignore it and keep going, and at some point I even
considered turning it off, that’s how badly my brain was working at the time, that
this children’s cartoon felt almost too much to bare, too intense at the moment.