Coleslaw

Friends, judges, countrymen, lend me your ears. The world is a dark place. There are
things in this world that shouldn't exist, things that go against our ethics, our morals,
our beliefs. Things that make us question the very nature of the universe. Things that
make us wonder why? Why do we exist? Just to suffer?!

But today I want to talk about one of these things. It is a very controversial topic but
it’s one I have to speak up against. Ladies and gentlemen, today, I will be talking
about Coleslaw! Yes, Coleslaw, laugh it out! But Coleslaw, that white piece of filth
next to a plate of fish and chips, that monstrosity KFC tries to sell off as a “side dish”.

Coleslaw, the enemy of everything I stand for. Coleslaw is disgusting! I’ve never once
ordered coleslaw on purpose. I don’t go up to the guy at KFC and go, “Hey, please
add coleslaw to my dish,” No, nobody does that! Coleslaw is disgusting, why would
you do it? It’s putrid, I would rather crawl over broken glass and eat some more
broken glass that I would to eat Coleslaw.

The Chinese have a saying that goes, directly translated, “Putting legs onto a snake.”
and I think that is a fair saying for coleslaw because it adds on to a dish, that’s fine,
it’s a side dish. Fries as a side dish, they are the legs on a snake. Difference is, they
are like legs on a snake if the snake was an animal that had legs. Coleslaw is like....
coleslaw just doesn’t fit, why would I want to pollute my meal and make it worse?
That just makes no sense!

But I know what you all are thinking. If I don’t like coleslaw that much, why order it?
Why eat it? And you’re right, why would I do any of those things? If I get to KFC, I
order some chicken and I get coleslaw on the side, I take a bite out of it, and then I go
“Wow... this is disgusting!” And then I keep going, and I go again! What’s the point?
That’s dumb! Why would I do that when I have the choice to not do that? It’s my
decision to eat coleslaw and complain about it or it’s my decision to be not affected
by it and eat a delicious piece of chicken, not crispy, I can’t handle spice.

And that’s how things like offensive language, offensive words and offensive jokes;
that’s how all of those things are. You are the one giving it power to offend you. If
someone makes a joke about race, someone makes a joke about a sensitive topic and
you go, “Hey! That’s off limits, say that again and you’re going to be in a lot of
trouble.” You are the one giving that topic, that word, that joke, all the power to
affect you, ironically. The one who wants it on a pedestal, the one that want it shut
off from the rest of the world, are the one making it so strong. In the end, you have a
choice. You can choose to be offended or you can choose to take it as what it is, a
joke or a word.
One of my favourite Youtubers once said, “continue on your crusade and I’ll continue
treating them like regular human being.” Directed to all the people who put offensive
words and phrases on high regard just so that they don’t offend people when in
reality, they are the ones making it more detrimental, more insulting and more
powerful than it actually it is.

So there are 3 things that you would want to take away from this speech, it’s these 3
things:
Number 1, You choose what you want to affect you, that’s your choice.
Number 2, Choose the right choice. Make the choice that makes you happy.
And Number 3, most importantly, please ordering coleslaw, my god, eventually they
will take it off the menu, okay?

Thank you ladies and gentlemen.