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Karley Fryman
Professor Jayne Stone
Writing with Style
10 February 2023
Week 5B Writing Exercises
Chapter 1 Exercises
1. Choose a short sentence from your work and lengthen it without combining it with the
proceeding material.
Original sentence: She needs to get out.
Lengthened sentence: She needs to get out of the kitchen and run off somewhere—hide from all
the drama as she always does—before she says the wrong thing to these people whom she
desperately wants to be accepted by, and before all her hard work comes crashing down,
smothering her.
Analysis: Although I do tend to write longer sentences, this new sentence is probably a bit
longer than I’m used to. But I quite like how it turned out. I will say that the preceding sentences
already imply why this character needs to leave the kitchen, though this added material really
drives the point home and reflects more deeply on the character’s feelings. This is particularly
evident by the phrase, “smothering her.” I’m considering inserting this new sentence into my
story in place of the original.

2. Choose a series of short sentences from your work. Combine two, then combine three.
Original: Sylvia makes it up two stairs before a soft call of her name gives her pause. Archie’s
elder sister, Opal, rises from an adjacent bench. She steps out of the shadows with slow
footsteps. The fourteen-year-old girl isn’t crying, but she appears more nauseated and exhausted
than anything. Her skin has never appeared so sickeningly fair. Without a word, Opal joins
Sylvia on the stairs. The girl presses a brief kiss to Archie’s temple, a sweet gesture. They ascend
the stairs together, leaving the dark foyer behind them
Rewritten: Sylvia makes it up two stairs before a soft call of her name gives her pause. Archie’s
elder sister, Opal, rises from an adjacent bench and steps out of the shadows toward her slowly.
The fourteen-year-old girl isn’t crying—appearing more nauseated and exhausted than anything
—but her skin has never appeared so sickeningly fair. Without a word, Opal joins Sylvia on the
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stairs, presses a brief kiss to Archie’s temple, and they ascend the stairs together, leaving the
dark foyer behind them.
Analysis: I do think that these changes help the paragraph flow better, especially with the last
sentences. Opal’s motions appear more fluid, if that makes sense. But I’m not sure if it changes
the scene much. The same things happen in the same order. I think that the overall effect of each
version is the same.

Chapter 2 Exercises
1. Choose a scene that is pivotal for your character and pick a revelatory moment that needs
to be slowed down. Add a comma for emphasis.
Original: This detail strikes her as odd, but then a cold feeling washes over her at once and her
limbs quake with the realization. The door to the walk-in has never been known to close on its
own or get stuck, nor can she think of a single reason why Ms. Atkinson would ever close the
freezer door with herself inside.
Rewritten: This detail strikes her as odd, but then a cold feeling washes over her at once, her
limbs quaking with the realization. The door to the walk-in has never been known to close on its
own, or get stuck, nor can she think of a single reason why Ms. Atkinson would ever close the
freezer door, with herself inside.
Analysis: I added a comma to further emphasize the freezer door’s typical mannerisms. It does
not get stuck or close on its own. I also added a second comma in the final sentence. It is not
grammatically needed but adds a dramatic pause and reiterates that Ms. Atkinson would not shut
herself inside the walk-in freezer.

2. Begin a new piece and write an entire page without using commas.

The infant’s sudden wails startle Margot out of her concentration and the online university
lecture becomes nothing but background noise as she rushes to soothe the child.
“Oh Lou. I’m right here.” Margot shushes Louise before hoisting her out of the bassinet.
She makes sure to support her delicate head. The swaddle she’d been sleeping soundly in is
coming undone. This prompts Margot to wrap her back up snuggly and begin rocking her with
slow motions. Her comforting embrace does nothing to cease her cries and her screams only
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become more piercing when Margot attempts to switch positions. The ramblings of her professor
remain unheard against the earsplitting sobs. Unfortunately for Margot it’s an important course
for her degree.
The wooden staircase adjacent to the kitchen groans as footsteps tramp down them.
Margot curses herself and wills the child to stop crying. She begins bouncing Louise instead and
advances toward the backdoor but a voice halts her just as she grasps the brass doorknob.
“Please... please make her stop. My head is pounding.”
Louise’s mother Carolyn steps into the dim lighting of the kitchen appearing just as
dreadful as she had the previous day. Sunken-in eyes stare at Margot in desperation while her
sickly fair skin flushes in the light. She’s worn so thin it’s like you can see right through her. The
sight makes Margot’s stomach twist in pure discomfort and anguish.
“I’m sorry Carolyn. She’s very fussy right now but I’m headed outside so you don’t have
to hear her.” She pulls the door open to confirm the words but stops once more to add an
afterthought over her shoulder “please eat something while you’re down here. It’ll help you feel
better.”
Margot nearly expects an honest response when it’s momentarily quiet. A deep frown
settles on her lips when she hears the stairs creak again. Carolyn is headed back upstairs to her
bedroom. She’s awfully thankful to have a fulltime job as Louise’s live-in nanny. But knowing
it’s because of the mother’s severe postpartum depression leaves a sour taste in her mouth.

Analysis: Not being able to use commas was so frustrating. I didn’t realize how necessary and
impactful commas are on my writing. It affected my ability to write dialogue, and I couldn’t
include any introductory phrases at the beginning of my sentences, which was so annoying! My
sentence structure felt choppier too. There were many sentences that I would’ve combined using
commas. For example, the sentences “The swaddle she’d been sleeping soundly in is coming
undone. This prompts Margot to wrap her back up snuggly and begin rocking her with slow
motions,” can become, “The swaddle she’d been sleeping soundly in is coming undone,
prompting Margot to wrap her back up snuggly and begin rocking her with slow motions” with
the use of commas. I like the second version much better. I don’t know how much this affected
the story or characters, but I think it lessened the quality of my writing overall.
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Chapter 3 Exercises

1. Look at the first page of a creative piece and count the number of semicolons you used.
Count the amount for the first chapter as well.

Analysis: In the first page, I didn’t use any semicolons. But in the first full chapter, I used one.
I’ve always been afraid of using semicolons incorrectly, and so I tend to avoid using them at all.
I know I’m not alone in this. However, this chapter was actually quite helpful in explaining their
proper uses, and I appreciated the large number of examples they provided. I do want to try using
semicolons more in my writing.

2. Choose a series of short sentences in your work that are closely related and see if you can
combine any with semicolons.

Original: Margot’s blood runs cold, her palms beginning to dampen, when her eyes are pulled to the

figure at the top of the staircase. Carolyn is standing there, fists clenched at her sides. Her eyebrows

are drawn in so tightly, it must hurt. The whites of her eyes seem to glow in the stairwell’s faint

illumination, but it’s the glare she’s burning into the side of Robert’s head that makes Margot shrink

back. She knows this is a private matter and has nothing to do with her. She should move. She should

burp Louise elsewhere, but she can’t get her feet to budge.

Rewritten: Margot’s blood runs cold, her palms beginning to dampen, when her eyes are pulled to

the figure at the top of the staircase. Carolyn is standing there, fists clenched at her sides; her

eyebrows are drawn in so tightly, it must hurt. The whites of her eyes seem to glow in the stairwell’s

faint illumination, but it’s the glare she’s burning into the side of Robert’s head that makes Margot

shrink back. She knows this is a private matter and has nothing to do with her. She should move; she

should burp Louise elsewhere, but she can’t get her feet to budge.
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Analysis: I added two semicolons to this paragraph to combine a few sentences, and I actually
like how it turned out. The semicolon in the last sentence seems effective, in particular. The first
sentence, “She should move” is very short and it immediately connects to the following sentence,
so it makes the most sense to combine them with a semicolon. I think it speeds up the intensity of
this scene.