This graph shows the sale of desktop computers, laptops, and mobile phones in the UK from

2010 to 2018, and predictions until 2022.[1]

Looking at [2] the sale of mobile phones, it was 6 million units in 2010 and gradually rose to 9
million in [3] 2014. After that, total sales sharply increased by 4 million units from 2014 to 2016,
with the growth slowing down to an increase of only 2 million units from [4] 2016 to 2018. Based
on that [5] information, the chart predicts that the sale of mobile phones will continue to increase
at a steady rate of 500,000 units per year, reaching 17 million units in 2022.

Looking at the sale of desktop computers, it was 5 million units in 2010 as it gradually dropped
to 4 million in 2014. [6] In 2014 to 2016, when mobile phones were getting their biggest spike in
sales, desktop computers saw a steep [7] decline of 1 million units. After that, however, desktop
computer sales remained at 3 million units up until 2018. Based on that trend, the chart predicts
that the sale of desktop computers will further decrease at a rate of 250,000 units per year.

Looking at the sale of laptops, it was 3 million units in 2010 as it steadily increased to 4.5 million
in 2014. What is interesting to note is that in 2013, the sale of laptops officially overtook desktop
computers. [8] After 2014, the sale of laptops continued to grow at a steady pace, and the chart
predicts that the sale of laptops will reach 5.5 million units in 2022.

Adam’s feedback

[1] For your introduction, you need to do more than copy the words from the question. You need to
introduce the graph in your own words by paraphrasing the words in the question. This will help you score
more highly in LR

[2] Your writing, while mostly accurate, is rather repetitive. Each of your body paragraphs begin with the
same words. Each paragraph also has a very similar structure.

[3] "by 2014" would be better. "In" is OK. However, because you are going on to describe further changes
in these sales figures, 'by' is a more accurate word and a better choice for ensuring the higher bands.

[4] You have already used "from 2014 to 2016". To secure one of the higher bands, you must show
variation in your language.

[5] This - a common mistake. Referencing devices is not easy. If you look out for this in academic, semi-
academic, and journalism texts, you will see that most writers would choose "this" in this situation.

[6] You have an opportunity to vary the language by using a relative clause here: "Looking at the sale of
desktop computers which began at 5 million units in 2010, this gradually dropped to 4 million in 2014.

[7] I'm not sure I agree it was a 'steep' decline. It looks fairly gradual to me. A better adjective to use here
would be 'corresponding' which would more clearly put the decline of desktop computers in perspective
with the rise of mobile phones and further emphasizing the importance of the years 2013 -2014 when
laptops also began to outsell desktops.

[8] Again, I would take the opportunity to emphasise the importance of this period of time. It was a time
when the sales of these types of technology changed significantly.

Adam’s overall feedback

Task achievement:
While you have commented on all areas of the graph, you have not written an overview which limits your
score in this category to one of the lower bands. You must say what the data tells us overall, not just what
the individual points of data say. Here, the most basic of overviews could be: Overall, the graph shows us
that more mobile computer technology became more popular with consumers, a situation which is
expected to continue until at least 2022.

Coherence and cohesion:

I would rate you very highly here. However, there are some less natural uses of referencing language
such as “that” and “in” (rather than “between”) which would prevent you from attaining the highest band
score.

Lexical resource:
Your choices of vocabulary are appropriate and accurate though you should be showing more variation
and the ability to use less common lexical items (such as “corresponding”) to ensure one of the highest
bands.

Grammatical range and accuracy:

Your grammatical accuracy is impressive, especially in the way you handle tenses. However, to ensure
one of the highest bands, you do need to show more variation in the grammatical structures you use. For
example, you have an over reliance on the active voice. A few more passive sentences would have been
good (Sales of desktops were overtaken by laptops…)

The task only requires 150 words while you have written 260. I would consider how you might reduce the
amount of words while still expressing the same amount of information. Density of meaning is a hallmark
of good academic writing. Also, writing fewer words would take less time.
Shopping is ingrained in the history and culture of human beings. In the past, people used local
currency or even livestock to shop for things that they needed. It was how tribes, towns, and
countries supported one another through trading. [1] Nowadays, with the internet connecting
buyers and sellers from around the world in an instant, people are exposed to an excessive
amount of online marketing and advertising when they want to shop for something. This results
in people spending too much money on things they don’t need. [2]

Although it seems like a disadvantage of online shopping, there are actually more advantages
that should be considered. [3] First, online shopping fits the modern lifestyle of the 21st century.
You don’t have to go out to a store in person to purchase something. You can enjoy the comfort
of your own home and buy things that you need delivered directly to you. This saves a lot of
time in the long run for you to focus more on your career or personal life. [4]

Secondly, with so many people working from home after the pandemic, online shopping has
become a vital part of the economy. When we were all stuck in quarantine, online shopping was
the solution to our daily needs. This was when the entire world realized that online shopping
was not just convenient, it was necessary. [5]

Some might argue that with the rise of targeted ads, people might spend more money than
necessary on things they don’t need. However, the opposite is true. Without online marketing,
people might not find products they didn’t know they needed. For example, I have always loved
cooking and I have a set of pans that I regularly use. Earlier this year, I saw an advertisement
on YouTube that featured a cast iron pan. After looking into it, I discovered that some of my
dishes could be improved if I cooked using a cast iron pan. That advertisement led me to the
purchase of my first ever cast iron cookware, which was something I didn’t know I needed. Now,
I cannot cook without my cast iron pan.
There are pros and cons to everything in life, but when it comes to online shopping, I think the
convenience, utility, and knowledge that it provides outweigh its disadvantages. [6]

Adam’s feedback

[1] I understand that you are trying to set a context, but I'm not sure how relevant information on the
history of shopping is to the argument you need to make.

[2] This is fine but your introductory paragraph needs to give the reader some information about what will
follow in the essay. From what I can see, you want to write about the convenience of online shopping, its
necessity in the modern world, and how helpful target ads can be for the consumer. So, perhaps you
should consider this sentence: "Nowadays, with the internet connecting buyers and sellers from around
the world in an instant, people are exposed to an increasing amount (if you say 'excessive" it contradicts
the opinion you give in the rest of the essay). of online marketing and advertising when they want to shop
for something. This may result in people spending too much money on things they don’t need. However,
such concerns do not sufficiently outweigh the advantages of online shopping, three of which are: its
convenience, its necessity in the modern world, and how helpful it can be in introducing the consumer to
new products."

[3] Consider stronger topic sentences "The convenience of online shopping is an important factor when
considering whether its advantages outweigh its disadvantages." Make sure the reader knows from the
very beginning of each paragraph what the topic is. What does "it" refer to here? This is unclear and
confusing for the reader.

[4] I would consider joining some of these ideas together to make some lengthier and more complex
sentences.

[5] Now that the world is no longer in lockdown, how strong is the point for your argument? You could
explain more here (maybe elderly and disabled people still require this kind of service which has
improved a lot recently perhaps mostly because of services fulfilling the needs of the public created by
Covid quarantines.

[6] Be more specific about the disadvantages. "the dangers of people spending too much due to targeted
advertising."

Adam’s overall feedback

Task response:

Eventually, you make your position clear on the question. However, I think that if you did this earlier in the
essay, it would be much easier for the reader to follow. You have some good ideas though sometimes
they need to be extended.

Coherence and cohesion:

I would say that this is the weakest area of the essay. As a reader, I would like you to say more clearly,
and earlier, what your position is so that I can follow your argument more easily. You can do this by
writing a stronger introduction and working on clearer topic sentences to each paragraph. There is some
faulty use of referencing devices.

Lexical resource:

This is quite a strong area. You have used a good range of topic specific vocabulary accurately. You
have also used some more idiomatic language (looked into it), which is appropriate.

Grammatical range and accuracy:

Your accuracy is good and, overall, there is some variation to the sentence types. However, the first body
paragraph does feel a little repetitive. Try to keep the variation consistent across the whole essay.

Again, as with Task 1, you have written too much (381 words when you only need 250). Writing a bit less
is a good thing as it gives you time to edit and craft your language.