FACULTY OF ADMINISTRATIVE SCIENCE AND POLICY STUDIES

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Original Article

Why You Should Have Never Had Kids (If You Want To Be Happy, That Is)
22 Aug 2017 by Seph Fontane Pennock
From: https://positivepsychology.com/parenthood-paradox/

Do you think having children makes you happier? If so, think again. Research shows (over and
over again) that having children reduces happiness (e.g. Anderson, Russel, & Schumm, 1983 or
Campbell, 1981), even though parents think it will make them happier. This phenomenon is
known as “The Parenthood Paradox” or “Parenthood Gap“.

Why don’t children make parents happier?

One of the dominant explanations for this is that children increase the amount and level of a
variety of stressors that parents are exposed to (Glass, Simon, & Andersson, 2016), such as:
● time demands
● energy demands
● sleep deprivation (potentially starting a vicious circle)
● work-life balance disturbances
● financial burden

It goes without saying that all of these stressors apply even more to the lives of single parents.
This is why single parents report the lowest levels of well-being compared to married or
unmarried couples who are living together. To make matters worse, people generally become
less satisfied with their marriage when they have children (making the attempt to fix a marriage
by having children even more ironic). Research shows the disadvantages of parenthood to be
the strongest in the United States. We’ll talk more about this in a bit.

When parents are at their happiest

In his seminal work “Meanings of Life“, Roy Baumeister tells us that there are two happiness
peaks in the lives of adults in America, namely:
● between the wedding and the birth of the first child
● between the departure of the last child from home and the death of one’s spouse

So if you’re looking at children from the perspective of personal happiness, the phases of
married life without children are the happiest periods. Yet another argument against having
children for the sake of personal happiness (what’s the score, 3 to 0 for not having children
now?).

The good news

I can hear you thinking… but there’s got to be an explanation for why we’re making children,
right? Otherwise, we would never have gotten this far as a species!?
Right. And there is.

Because as emotionally taxing as having children may be, it has also proven to be a great
source – if not the most powerful source – of life satisfaction, self-esteem and meaning,
especially for women (Hansen, Slagsvold, Moum, 2009), even though men are a lot more likely
to view childlessness as disadvantageous (Blake, 1979). This is true even, or even more so,
during tough times and is illustrative of the fact that cognitive evaluation (what you think) and
emotions (what you feel) are not on the same continuum. I.e. we can value something and find it
meaningful even if it detracts from our happiness in the moment.

In the words of Baumeister: “Sometimes the quest for meaning can override the quest for
happiness.” But wait a minute.
That sounds familiar…

Would you plug in?

Do you remember Robert Nozick’s thought experiment of the Experience Machine?
He asked people to imagine a machine that would provide them with only pleasant experiences
as soon as their brain was hooked onto it. Let’s say it’s a machine triggering dopaminergic and
endorphinergic activity in the brain without building habituation or tolerance and without side-
effects.

Would you choose to be hooked onto that machine? Most people said “no” even though,
rationally speaking, it would make sense to do so. That is, if your goal is to maximise happiness
for yourself, which is the case for hedonists and certain types of utilitarians.

Like one of my favourite writers Tim Urban (n.d.) remarks:

“In the end, I think I probably would skip the machine. And that’s probably a dumb choice.”
This brings us back to the Parenthood Paradox.

A possible explanation for why the negative impact of having children on personal happiness is
the highest in the United States might be its extreme focus on personal happiness (and
hedonistic values). There I said it. The Parenthood Gap exists because of unrealistic
expectations and desires regarding personal happiness. And research (e.g., Glass et al., 2016)
is indeed pointing in the direction that the more individualistic a society is, the greater the
Parenthood Paradox is (the level of financial support from the government being another
important factor).

All this leads us to the real paradox…

The real paradox is not the Parenthood Paradox, but why people seemingly strive for personal
happiness even though they would choose meaning and/or life satisfaction (subjective
evaluation of one’s life as a whole) over personal happiness when push comes to shove. It goes
to show that, once again, we not only suck at predicting what will make us happy (as explained
in Dan Gilbert’s “Stumbling on Happiness“), but also at valuing our personal happiness
compared to other things, such as meaning in life.

And besides… happiness is so fragile. Happiness fades with the first punch that life throws at
you.

The solution
The solution is to avoid falling prey to the illusion that happiness results from meeting your ideal
version of life. Rather than holding on to an image of what a happy life should look like and
comparing it to your current life, you can allow life to unfold with unexpected moments of
happiness. Having children will not make you happier, nor does not having children.

It is not what life offers, but what we believe that life should offer that prevents us from
experiencing happiness. So let go of your expectations and lower the importance of your
personal happiness. Thereby you will lower the stress you experience from not being as happy
as you think you should be.

In his book “If You Are So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy“, my friend Raj Raghunathan remarks:
“Because when one pursues happiness, one is likely to compare how one feels with how one
would ideally like to feel, and since we generally want to feel happier than we currently do, we
are likely to feel unhappy about being unhappy if we pursue happiness!” This, Raj. This.

And not only do we feel unhappy about being unhappy, we can start to feel even more unhappy
because we don’t know why we aren’t happy, especially if we have all the reasons to be happy.
But that’s a song for another time. Please enjoy your parental unhappiness, for you have all the
reasons to.

1098 words

Pennock, S. F. (2017, August 22). Why you should have never had kids (If you want to be
happy, that is). PositivePsychology.com. Retrieved from
https://positivepsychology.com/parenthood-paradox/
Written Article Analysis

A Critical Analysis of The Above Article

In the article Why You Should Have Never Had Kids (If You Want To Be Happy, That Is), written
by Seph Fontane Pennock addressed the issue of perceived conflict between societal
expectations of parenthood and the actual impact that having children has on an individual's
well-being. The tone of the article is a mix of informative, critical and conversational.

He starting posing direct question "Do you think having children makes you happier?" and
asserting, "think again" to engage the reader immediately while exploring concept of the “The
Parenthood Paradox” or “Parenthood Gap”. He supported by research finding from Anderson,
Russell, and Schummm (1983) and Campbell (1981), that consistently show that having
children tend to be less happy despite the expectation it should bring joy.To fortify the argument,
Pennock outlines an array of stressors related to parenthood based on Glass, Simon, &
Andersson (2016) to strengthen his argument:
 financial difficulties
 disruptions in work-life balance
 energy and time demand
 lack of sleep

Particularly, he claims that it is reported single parents experience greater difficulties and have
the lowest levels of wellbeing when compared to couples. He added the impact of parenthood
on marital satisfaction, with the assertion that people generally become less satisfied with their
marriage when having children by giving evidence of research in the United States without
further elaboration.

For instance, he stated evidence of Baumeister's research presented in "Meanings of Life,

supports the idea that the phases of married life without children are associated with higher
levels of personal happiness in turn used as a persuasive point against the assumption that
having children contributes positively to personal happiness slightly sarcastic tone used by him.

However, Pennock presents a counter-argument while recognizing the emotional challenges of

having children, he emphasizes the significant benefits, especially in terms of life satisfaction,
self-esteem and meaning by citing a reference from Hansen, Slagsvold and Moum in 2009 as
reference. He highlighted the gender difference, indicating that men are more likely to perceive
childlessness as disadvantageous, as evidenced by Blake's research in 1979. He maintains
conversational and engaging tone, addressing the reader directly with sense of curiosity and
explore the complexities of issue. He expresses opinion on the relationship between cognitive
evaluation and emotions, suggesting that they operate independently, especially in challenging
situations.
(378 words)