THE CHRISTIAN COUNSELING CONUNDRUM: NARCISSISM

You confront your friend about his fault after being intensely wronged publicly. The healthy

human script would naturally lead you to expect them to apologize, or maybe it was an accident.

Instead, your ears are pierced with the emotionally taxing words of manipulation, “I’m sorry you feel

that way.” Congratulations, you stumbled across a narcissist. Two prime characteristics generally pin a

narcissist: lack of empathy and need for validation. The long list of narcissistic tendencies proves that

narcissism, like many disorders, functions on a spectrum. Sigmund Freud widens this spectrum,

saying, “We are postulating a primary narcissism in everyone.”1 Dr. Ramani demonstrates a narrowed,

valuable illustration. She describes a narcissist as a salsa. If you only have a tomato, then that’s not a

salsa. However, if you have onions, peppers, lime, cilantro, jalapeño, etc., you have an authentic salsa.

In the same way, a true narcissist cannot help but give you the robust flavors of superiority, lack of

empathy, manipulation, intimidation, double standards, lies, brief periods of intense kindness, and

much, much more.

Such a negative stigma surrounds narcissism, and Lois Horton proves this stigma by comparing

a modern narcissist with assumed historical cases: Adolf Hitler, Genghis Khan, and King Henry II.2

However, Psychology Today tells you to look no further than your TV as they claim Oprah, Madonna,

or Tom Cruise are just “a self-selected group of narcissists.”3 Narcissists, loved or hated, are plagued by

1
Sigmund Freud, On Narcissism: An Introduction, (1914), 13.

2
Lois Horton, The Covert Narcissist: The Definitive Guide to Recognize Passive-Aggressive Manipulation,
Overcome Narcissistic Abuse and Healing after Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse (Sebastiano Messina, 2022).
Introduction.

3
Gad Saad, “The Narcissism and Grandiosity of Celebrities,” Psychology Today, June 2009,
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/homo-consumericus/200906/the-narcissism-and-grandiosity-celebrities.
 1

a genuine psychological disorder that is reaffirmed by a sin-filled world. What is narcissism? Freud

proposes a misplaced sexual identity; they are uniquely attracted to themselves.4 Lois Horton says,

“Narcissism is a psychological disorder where one always feels that an invisible diadem hovers over their

head.”5 In a narcissistic superiority complex, this self-proclaimed societal monarch deserves the love,

attention, praise, power, and respect that is due him or her. Yet, your local Aldi's paunchy, middle-aged

grocer isn’t treated like royalty. Instead, he’s treated like everyone else. From the narcissist perspective,

that is infuriating and wrong. The narcissist is left with an imbalance. The validation needed is greater

than the validation earned. The malnourished narcissist unconsciously seeks emotional stability like a

vampire to an artery waiting to siphon. Is it really this dramatic? In some situations, it truly is. As

future congregational leaders, we must be able to recognize narcissistic tendencies and understand our

role as loving shepherds by limiting narcissistic abuse and accentuating the cross. After all, Jesus loves

narcissists.

It is valuable to briefly recognize the two forms of narcissism: overt and covert. Overt

narcissism is the classic, in-your-face sense of superiority. This can be masked as charisma, confidence,

or success, but it is easier to classify. An overt narcissist works hard to maintain and fuel the narcissistic

identity formulated through their disorder. They attract prospects for their feeding through their

genuine efforts. They take validation and do not return the favor, creating another emotional

imbalance. Generally, this is left unnoticed or is chalked up as a mistake due to their busy, intense,

successful life. Sometimes, that success is accurate and valid; sometimes, it is a lie to reassure the

4
Sigmund Freud, On Narcissism: An Introduction, 1.

5
Lois Horton, The Covert Narcissist. Introduction.
 2

identity disorder. They want you to idolize them because their lives are more impressive, their

problems overcome are more significant, they want their achievements to be admired and for you to

validate the identity their brain has forced upon them. Overt narcissists can be easier to love due to

their success.

This is drastically different from a covert narcissist. Covert narcissists have a similar need for

validation, paired with the same lack of empathy. Still, instead of taking life by the horns and earning

validation, a covert narcissist gathers his emotional supply through pity. A covert narcissist is masked

by depression, trauma, or anxiety. They want you to pity them because their lives are more

complicated, their problems are more significant, they want achievements to be admired, and for you

to validate this same forced identity. Covert narcissists are challenging to love due to their lack of

achievement and pessimism.

Horton correctly identifies the issue. It is hard to love a narcissist, but they need it the most.6

To withhold love from a narcissist is to withhold blood from an injured, dying patient. Each source I

absorbed waved its red flags and flashed warning signs if you are to continue to maintain a relationship

with a narcissist. Dr. Ramani repeats her straightforward advice. Get out! Do Christian leaders have

the luxury to flee all narcissistic dilemmas? Senkbeil reminds us that pastoral ministry is like gardening,

saying, “Patience and persistence are two cardinal virtues in farming, and that’s true in pastoring as

well. You can’t take any shortcuts with sin-damaged souls.” To help a narcissist is to recognize their

destructive patterns and respond in love. To love a narcissist is to empathize with their unique curse.

Illustrating their sin-damaged persona, we turn to the namesake of narcissism, the Greek myth of

6
Lois Horton, The Covert Narcissist. Ch. 2.
 3

Narcissus. Narcissus possessed a “stubborn pride in his own beauty.”7 Graves recounts the story of

Narcissus,

Artemis heard the plea, and made Narcissus fall in love, though denying him love’s
consummation. At Donacon in Thespia he came upon a spring, clear as silver, and
never yet disturbed by cattle, birds, wild beasts, or even by branches dropping off the
trees that shaded it; and as he cast himself down, exhausted, on the grassy verge to slake
his thirst, he fell in love with his reflection. At first he tried to embrace and kiss the
beautiful boy who confronted him, but presently recognized himself, and lay gazing
enraptured into the pool, hour after hour. How could he endure both to possess and
yet not to possess? Grief was destroying him, yet he rejoiced in his torments; knowing
at least that his other self would remain true to him, whatever happened. 8
A narcissist does not understand their psychological disorder. They cannot reflect on their actions or

empathize with the victims of their actions. This is the curse of narcissism. We must empathize with

those who lack empathy, recognizing that sin has stained all humanity. Senkbeil reminds us, “Ever since

the cataclysmic rebellion of our first parents in the garden, every last one of us is prone to sin. Sin is

what sinners do.”9 After recognizing how deeply sin has cursed all of humanity, we approach a

narcissist with the same love and care as a sheepdog for God’s flock. Senkbeil also reminds,

So we physicians of souls are patient with our patients. That is, we go steadily on with
it, like the sheepdog in the illustration. Remember, that dog didn’t become
discouraged when the sheep returned to their old habits; he stuck with doing the
shepherd’s will. His tail never ceased to wag because he knew the shepherd had things
under control. So doggedly he just kept on keeping on doing what he’d been given to
do.10

7
Robert Graves, The Greek Myths (London: Penguin Books, 1955), 260.

8
Robert Graves, The Greek Myths, 261.

9
Harold L Senkbeil, The Care of Souls : Cultivating a Pastor’s Heart (Bellingham, Washington: Lexham Press,
2019), Ch. 6.

10
Harold L Senkbeil, The Care of Souls, Ch. 6.
 4

Although our love and care for a narcissist is not unique, how we recognize destructive habits,

confront abusive behavior, counsel with intentionality, and maintain healthy boundaries is unique. I

hope to outline where Christian counseling is challenging and how to respond effectively.

Before we navigate Christian counseling, we must recognize the warning signs. James

Masterson and Sandy Hotchkiss outline the Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism. While they are generic,

they help to create a framework in which you might identify narcissism in your circles. Masterson and

Hotchkiss present seven categories: shamelessness, magical thinking, arrogance, envy, entitlement,

exploitation, and bad boundaries.

Shame is a powerful human emotion. In Christianity, we recognize shame as the identity of our

guilt. “Guilt and shame are the twin results of sin.”11 Ordinary sinners are weighed down by sin and

feel shame, as David describes in Psalm 32, aching bones, chest pressure, and sapped strength.

However, Masterson and Hotchkiss note that “in the narcissist, shame is so intolerable that the means

have been developed not to experience it at all.”12 Ultimately, the narcissist claims that situations are

never their fault. They don’t feel responsible for your emotions or understand how your feelings

developed. A narcissist is exceptional at dodgeball. If they cannot dodge shame altogether, they might

gaslight13 and manipulate until you are convinced that the ball, this shame, actually never hit them. You

missed. Masterson and Hotchkiss make a distinction; narcissists aren’t void of shame but supremely

11
Harold L Senkbeil, The Care of Souls. Ch. 6.

12
James F. Masterson and Sandy Hotchkiss, Why Is It Always about You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
(Free Press, 2014), 5. In fact, they notice this lack of shame to be a lack of conscience.

13
To gaslight is to engage is psychological manipulation. It originates from the 1938 play, Gas Light, where a man
convinces a woman she is insane.
 5

shame-sensitive.14 This tainted relationship with shame has Christian counseling complications that

will be explored further.

To avoid shame, narcissists utilize magical thinking, distorting their reality to match their

narcissistic image.15 This falsified identity is fragile and might result in outbursts of rage if trifled with.

Not only do they uphold this falsified image for themselves, but for successful peers. They are loyal

supporters until the glory fades and no validation can be stolen. This is all in self-preservation.

Masterson and Hotchkiss describe another toxic form of magical thinking to promote

self-preservation: shame-dumping. Shame-dumping projects negative self-conscious tendencies on a

helpless victim, manipulating them to assume a new toxic, distorted reality.16

Many narcissists display signs of arrogance. This arrogance becomes evident from the success of

others; “if someone else’s stock goes up, theirs automatically goes down.”17 The narcissist will use

destructive tactics to steal the societal upper hand. They might recall an embarrassing story of a

successful individual to “drop their stock.” They can gaslight and reassure you that your memory is

faulty, your story is wrong, and here’s how it really happened. Now, they receive the glory. They might

change the subject or diminish your success if all else fails. After all, life is handed to you, and the

narcissist has toiled endlessly for their success. This is all about control and power. “If having an

appreciative audience is good, having control over them is even better. Power for the Narcissist is not
14
James F. Masterson and Sandy Hotchkiss, The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, 6.

15
James F. Masterson and Sandy Hotchkiss, The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, 7.

16
A narcissist who is concerned about his weight might watch other people eat leafy greens with proper portions.
The narcissist will continue to say how sad you are for eating sad food, and really, spinach is so digusting anyway. Too bad
you hate your tastebuds! You should just eat hotdogs like me. At least I love myself. Etc… This is a less harmful example.

17
James F. Masterson and Sandy Hotchkiss, The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, 11.
 6

only an affirmation of superiority but also a means of controlling others to ensure “narcissistic

supplies”—anything that feeds a fragile ego.”18 This arrogance forms to respond to the emptiness

experienced from lack of validation due to their unrealistic narcissistic image forced by their

psychological disorder.

Envy tortures a narcissist. “To admit to envy would be to acknowledge inferiority, which no

good Narcissist would ever do.”19 To avoid envy, a narcissist will either degrade or deflect and redirect

the spotlight; lower your pedestal or raise theirs. You might find double-comments20 or constructive

criticism, which, in either case, is just criticism. A narcissist might say, “You look skinny! Too bad your

floppy skin still pops out!”21 Or they redirect. Masterson and Hotchkiss use a cheesecake example. You

bake a cheesecake for a narcissist. It’s good. They can’t bake. You exposed their inferiority. However, if

they redirect the spotlight to focus on their exceptional gratuity, they still win, and their spotlight is

raised. “Nice little cheesecake, but I’m still better than you.”22

Narcissistic entitlement is scary. The narcissist says, “My feelings and needs are all that matter,

and whatever I want, I should get.”23 A narcissist cannot and will not reciprocate due to their lack of

empathy, and if you refuse to validate the narcissist, you have rendered yourself useless. This is highly

18
James F. Masterson and Sandy Hotchkiss, The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, 14.

19
James F. Masterson and Sandy Hotchkiss, The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, 16.

20
A comment that is difficult to distinguish between praise or persecution. Humans like to assume the best. With
narcissism, they intend the worst.

21
Lois Horton, The Covert Narcissist. Ch. 3.

22
James F. Masterson and Sandy Hotchkiss, The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, 17.

23
James F. Masterson and Sandy Hotchkiss, The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, 20.
 7

traumatic in romantic or family dynamics. In an area where love should be unconditional, you find a

list you cannot fulfill.

Since narcissists lack empathy, they exploit others as extensions of self. Narcissists assume that

your stability is their benefit and exploit your gains. A lack of empathy is a lack of perspective.

Narcissists don’t know or care how their exploitations dampen your earthly experience. They only care

to wear their shoes and will never leave them. Dr. Ramani describes the narcissistic perspective. They

view humans as coffee makers. You don’t care how the coffee maker feels, whether it’s tired or even

enjoys making coffee. A coffee maker makes coffee when you want it; if it no longer makes it, it is

broken and discarded.24 In the same way, humans are validation makers exploited to fulfill selfish needs.

“In the mind of a Narcissist, there is no boundary between Self and other.”25 Masterson and

Hotchkiss note this is due to the improper power struggle within the child-parent relationship. The

child is powerless, yet since their mother is an extension of self, the child holds all power. That is how

the narcissist self-protects, even from youth. This continued lack of understood boundaries follows a

narcissist into adulthood, as they continue to see others as objects for their benefit. This lack of

boundaries makes their peers question their participation, assuming self-culpability. A healthy person

understands something is wrong but usually assumes responsibility until the lack of boundaries is

made apparent.26
24
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, “When Halthy Boundaries Are Broken with Sola Oluborode,” Navigating Narcissism
with Dr. Ramani (Red Table Talks Podcast, 24 November 2022).

25
James F. Masterson and Sandy Hotchkiss, The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, 28.

26
Hotchkiss outlines how bad this situation can get and how little a narcissist can care about their culpability,
saying, “The Narcissist is often equally unaware when violating the personal boundaries of others. Mail and personal
journals or diaries are read; closed bathroom and bedroom doors are ignored; purses and wallets are rifled through; clothing,
toiletries, and other possessions are “borrowed”; conversations are eavesdropped on; nosy questions are asked; unsolicited
 8

We must remember that this is a rudimentary list of seven common characteristics, and each

narcissist will gravitate to different toxic tendencies. Also, we must not forget that narcissism is a

spectrum, and these seven sins would prepare a complete salsa. Still, maybe your salsa tastes more like

inappropriate boundaries and arrogance. After all this perceived narcissism bashing, it is imperative to

remember that these toxic tendencies aren’t intentional; not even a narcissist is that nasty. These are

sub-conscience, self-protection tactics to avoid ego-crushing shame, which would shatter the image

forced upon him, leading to despair. They are cursed. Either a narcissist deals with the daily pressure to

maintain their reality or their new identity is consumed with soul-crushing shame, with fragments of

potential happiness scattered and unattainable.

How could you possibly counsel such a fragile, egotistic maniac? They're blazing down a

warpath without regard for who they injure as long as they reach the goal at the end of the race:

self-acceptance. First, one must recognize the faithful patience God demonstrates to sinful humanity.

Persistent sin and persistent forgiveness are the reality for all humanity. This humble, patient approach

is necessary to counsel a narcissist. Dr. Ramani agrees and notes that you should only engage a

narcissist if you have the emotional capacity.27 I will suggest three areas of sensitivity for counseling a

narcissist: the relationship between grace and forgiveness, guilt and shame, and recognized boundaries.

In an interview, Dr. Ramani consults a woman whose narcissistic husband was supported by

the church in his endeavors, giving him an unlimited supply of validation. They became the recovery

opinions are offered; ideas are stolen; confidences are not kept; hugs and kisses and other kinds of touch are forced on
someone whose resistance is overlooked. Many of my patients report being told, “That’s not how you feel,” or, “This is
what you think,” or even, “This is who you are.” When confronted with these violations, the Narcissist is often annoyed or
even mystified. In a world without fences, why should they have to knock on doors?” 30.

27
Collected from multiple sources.
 9

couple because the church always rallies behind a recovery story. She said his relationship with

forgiveness was skewed. The church wanted him to be forgiven and grow, and he took it in stride.

Instead of forgiveness being the divine gift that it is, for a narcissist, forgiveness can look like

permission.28 We must confront a narcissist with the sobering reality that forgiveness is not a license to

sin. Treating sin this way may lead to a dulled conscience and a hardened heart. Matthew 3:8 reminds

us to “Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.” Our Christian response of sanctification is more like

a fruit salad than a narcissistic salsa. This is where cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)29 and Christian

counseling can help the narcissist recognize their narcissistic patterns and, instead, act in Christian love.

Our response also must be a loving shepherd, not a correctional officer. The Shepherd Under Christ

reminds us,

There is a time and a place for everything. Our Lord himself indicates that admonition
is to take place in private and not in the presence of others… Nagging and continual
faultfinding are to be avoided. To make a capital offense of a sin into which a brother
may have fallen in weakness and about which he has indicated his regrets will serve only
to embitter and harden him. There are times when shocked silence or a disapproving
shaking of the head will be all the admonition that is needed.30
While we confront sin for what it is, this consistent path to healing and recognizing forgiveness

embodies a patient shepherd. We find yet another Lutheran narrow middle: Don’t cheapen God’s

forgiveness, yet it freely flows.31

28
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, “Overcoming a Narcissistic Husabnd and the Church That Enabled Him,” Navigating
Narcissism with Dr. Ramani (Red Table Talks Podcast, 8 September 2022).

29
CBT helps you become aware of inaccurate or negative thinking so you can view challenging situations more
clearly and respond to them in a more effective way. www.mayoclinic.org

30
Armin W Schuetze and Irwin J Habeck, The Shepherd under Christ : A Textbook for Pastoral Theology
(Milwaukee: Northwestern Pub. House, 1981), 168.

31
When I say cheapen God’s forgiveness, I am referencing someone who uses it as a license to sin and do whatever
they please. In fact, God reminds us in 1 John 3:9 “No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed
 10

With respect to guilt and shame, you bump into a paradox. A faithful Christian’s conscience

has peace with God, yet we are shameful sinners. If the narcissist flees shame at all costs, they

infrequently recognize their shame in relation to others or God in an attempt to maintain this falsified

image. They might feel an entitlement to peace and forgiveness. In this way, their guilt and shame are

avoided until the emotional dam bursts and an exposed narcissist is calamitous. As loving shepherds,

we recognize the power of consistent confession and absolution. With a narcissist, this might be a

tenuous practice, but we also recognize the necessity. The Counseling Shepherd reminds us,

“Confession is acknowledging sin, taking full responsibility for it with no attempt to cover up with

excuses and rationalizations… People’s sins are no longer counted against them. It effectively removes

guilt and frees from an accusing conscience. This is God’s answer to the problem of guilt and is not

only the best but also the only solution.”32 Suppose the loving shepherd is counseling in this vulnerable

way. In that case, they have the difficult task of navigating the narcissist’s authenticity, carefully

introducing shame to someone hyper-sensitive, and showering with God’s grace. 33

Finally, I am encouraging intentional, recognized boundaries. Doctor of Souls encourages us to

acknowledge our competency boundaries.34 We might be ill-equipped to handle this intense

remains in them; they cannot go on sinning, because they have been born of God.” We must consistently remind the
narcissist what is correct Christian behavior, since they do not possess the empathy to recognize how their actions affect
their brothers and sisters. While this is true, we also praise forgiveness for the free gift that it is!

32
Armin W Schuetze and Frederick A Matzke, The Counseling Shepherd (Milwaukee, Wis.: Northwestern Pub.
House, 1988), 195.

33
This tact is difficult, but we let God’s word work and are overjoyed that we err on the side of the gospel. While
the gospel can lead to validation, we also hope that it leads to correct Chrsitian motivation for lives of sanctification. That’s
God’s job.

34
John D Schuetze, Doctor of Souls (Northwestern Publishing House, 2017), 274.
 11

psychological disorder, and it’s ok to refer to professional help. Since the narcissist flees shame, and

counseling is shameful, it can be difficult for them to attend therapy. Dr. Ramani suggests that you

appeal to their superiority. Pastorally notify, “Your problem is important enough for therapy.”35 This

appeals to their narcissistic image, and they might go. Dr. Ramani also suggests a seasoned therapist

since true narcissism is challenging to navigate, and ultimately, the therapy may not be successful. A

vital boundary, considering a narcissist, is disclosure. Any personal stories might be utilized as future

narcissistic pedestals. For example, if everyone loves the pastor and the narcissist knows that the pastor

fights with his wife, he might expose the pastor at a social gathering. Mentally, this places the narcissist

on a higher pedestal; the societal upper hand means more validation and superiority. Therefore, the

boundaries made with a narcissist must be intentional.

Now that we are more equipped to identify narcissism and understand more about how to

counsel effectively, I hope that we all are not caught off-guard by abrasive narcissism but rather are

willing to show God’s love to narcissists and those they affect. 1 John 4:19 gives us a pastoral

perspective, “We love because He first loved us.”

35
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, “Ask Dr. Ramani: How Do I Go to Therapy with a Narcissist?,” Navigating Narcissism
with Dr. Ramani (Red Table Talks Podcast, 20 July 2023).
 12

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Durvasula, Dr. Ramani. “Ask Dr. Ramani: How Do I Go to Therapy with a Narcissist?” Navigating
Narcissism with Dr. Ramani. Red Table Talks Podcast, 20 July 2023.

———. “Overcoming a Narcissistic Husabnd and the Church That Enabled Him.” Navigating
Narcissism with Dr. Ramani. Red Table Talks Podcast, 8 September 2022.

———. “When Halthy Boundaries Are Broken with Sola Oluborode.” Navigating Narcissism with
Dr. Ramani. Red Table Talks Podcast, 24 November 2022.

Freud, Sigmund. “On Narcissism: An Introduction” (1914).

Graves, Robert. The Greek Myths. London: Penguin Books, 1955.

Horton, Lois. The Covert Narcissist: The Definitive Guide to Recognize Passive-Aggressive
Manipulation, Overcome Narcissistic Abuse and Healing after Hidden Emotional and
Psychological Abuse. Sebastiano Messina, 2022.

Masterson, James F., and Sandy Hotchkiss. Why Is It Always about You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of
Narcissism. Free Press, 2014.

Mayo Clinic. “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.” Mayoclinic.org. Mayo Clinic, 16 March 2019.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/cognitive-behavioral-therapy/about/pac-203846
10.

Saad, Gad. “The Narcissism and Grandiosity of Celebrities.” Psychology Today, June 2009.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/homo-consumericus/200906/the-narcissism-and-
grandiosity-celebrities.

Schuetze, Armin W, and Irwin J Habeck. The Shepherd under Christ : A Textbook for Pastoral Theology.
Milwaukee: Northwestern Pub. House, 1981.

Schuetze, Armin W, and Frederick A Matzke. The Counseling Shepherd. Milwaukee, Wis.:
Northwestern Pub. House, 1988.

Schuetze, John D. Doctor of Souls. Northwestern Publishing House, 2017.

 13

Senkbeil, Harold L. The Care of Souls : Cultivating a Pastor’s Heart. Bellingham, Washington: Lexham
Press, 2019.