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 Copyright © 2020 by I. A. Dice

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Cover design by: Net Hook & Line Design

Edited by: Cynthia Castillo

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Other books by I. A. Dice:

“Broken Rules”
“Broken Promises”

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 You can fool the world with your smiles,
but you can never fool your heart.

Unknown

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 CHAPTER 1
THOMAS

Nice to meet you

I glanced over my shoulder to find my assistant, or rather, an ex-
assistant—Ann—sitting on a round sofa in my office, adjusting her clothes.
She pulled a blue skirt down, and then up by a few inches, realizing she
covered too much. After she smoothed the creases on her blouse, getting it
back to the previous state, Anne walked across the room, swaying her hips.
“Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?” She licked her lips, giving
me a slow, shameless once-over.
One. Please, just one woman who wouldn’t expect round two, three or a
ring. One who wouldn’t expect declarations, proclamations, whispered
confessions, or my number. One who would let herself out not looking
back.
Too much to ask for?
Shit.
“Yes,” I said, focusing my attention on the pile of paperwork on my desk.
“Pack your things. You’re fired.”
“Fired?” she choked. “But… but why?”
Either women were getting dumber, or I was getting crankier. Lately, not
one came up with anything more creative than “why”, and at least a dozen
others found themselves in a similar predicament as Ann.
I’m an asshole. Nice to meet you.
“What did you expect?” I asked, crossing my arms. “A promotion? You
failed your probation.” I reserved the patronising tone of my voice for
women I fucked, and my best friend Nicholas if pissing him off was on the
agenda. And it often was.
Whoever invented the probation period deserved a Nobel Prize. I hired,
fucked, and fired women on repeat for two years now causing no problems
to the business, as long as my victims weren’t employed longer than three
months. None lasted half the time, so I was safe.
 Advertising the job and interviewing new candidates every two to three
weeks caused unnecessary staff downtime. Nicholas lost his patience once
or twice. Or more, but who was counting? He even threatened to put an end
to my extracurricular activities if I didn’t stop dumping the workload on his
assistant, Anthony, whenever I fired mine.
To keep my hobby and maintain Nick’s and Anthony’s good moods, I
organised an open house and gathered twenty CVs to minimise staff
downtime.
A good assistant had to possess four qualities to secure the position: she
had to be tall, skinny, blue-eyed and blonde. Slutty was a bonus but not a
necessity. They all ended up crushing on me whether it took one week or
three.
Panty peeler. Nice to meet you.
Nick considered my attraction to that specific type a mental problem. He
urged me to see a specialist, claiming I had issues. Well… Yes, yes I did,
but not in that department.
There was no special reason for hair colour preference. I simply liked
blondes. I liked their blue eyes, long curls, and even longer legs. Five foot
eight was a minimum, and heels were a must.
Ann propped her hands on her waist like an outraged high school teacher,
ready to scold my wicked behaviour.
“You fired me because I had sex with you?”
“I had sex with you” didn’t paint the picture quite well. “You fucked me”
described the five minutes Ann spent with her legs spread wide open much
better.
“Yes.”
What else could I say? It would have been thoughtful to lie, but I was
short on thoughtfulness and refused to hand it out to just anyone.
Her eyes widened and lips parted, but words failed to arrive. She
retreated out of the office, slamming the door to give an outlet to the
frustration caused by losing her job and not getting satisfied when her
boobs were pressed against the wall ten minutes earlier.
Not one assistant held back longer than a month before giving me the
green light. I could bag them more than once since they were handing
themselves over on a silver platter with a bow tied around their waists, but
once was enough.
 Fucking my assistant, or any other girl, more than once never ended well.
I learnt the lesson the hard way when Nick and I started the company.
Grace was perfect—my kind of perfect—a tall, skinny blonde with eyes
like sapphires. She was a model we hired for a promotional video. Half an
hour after she introduced herself, she dragged me to my office, took her
panties off, and spread her legs on my desk nice and wide. Ten minutes
later, she stood up and left like a good girl should.
We repeated the little ritual for a week. It was fun until she asked me to
accompany her to a party. She said her friends were dying to meet her new
boyfriend… A week of quickies somehow made her think I was looking for
a relationship. A few minutes on my desk didn’t exactly scream “I care
about you,” but Grace had a weird outlook on the world.
From then on, I kept it to one occasion only. And those didn’t last longer
than fifteen minutes because I didn’t care about a warmup nor their
enjoyment of the moment.
I’m a dick. Nice to… See what I mean?
I took out a pile of CVs from the bottom drawer, opened the first one,
and called the girl. Marie Hill was ecstatic to come in for an interview on
Monday morning. Little did she know the job was hers, provided that she
hadn’t gained weight or dyed her hair dark.
Twenty minutes later, Nicholas walked into my office with two white
paper cups of steaming coffee. The bitter aroma reached my nose before he
closed the door. A contorted expression on his face had me bracing for
another one of his monologues titled “Drawbacks of fucking and firing your
assistants”.
He took a seat across from me and pushed a take-away latte my way
while drumming We Will Rock You on the armrest.
I raised my hand to stop him before he started complaining. “Spare me. I
know, you don’t approve. We talked about this already.”
He shot me an annoyed look. “Yes, like ten times, but you still take no
notice of what I say, Thomas. You want to keep changing your assistants
every fortnight? Fine, but quit fucking them at work. Anthony is
uncomfortable when they’re screaming their heads off in here.”
Nick didn’t care about his assistant or his feelings. He just enjoyed giving
me shit for no reason, like with his fiancée Amelia. Every now and then, he
warned me to stay away from her even though he knew that for exactly
three different reasons, I would never touch her.
 Boundaries—dicks and assholes have them too.
Reason-slash-boundary number one—Amelia was Nick’s fiancée.
Girlfriends, fiancées, and wives were off limits, just as sisters, mothers and
the rest of the family. Maybe apart from cousins—those were a bit of a grey
area.
Number two—Mel had red hair. Even if she weren’t engaged to my best
friend AKA business partner, AKA the huge pain in my ass, she wouldn’t
appeal to me.
And three—even if she weren’t his, and dyed her hair platinum, I still
wouldn’t touch her because I liked her. We had a nice platonic relationship
going on, and once a girl slipped into my friend zone, there was no coming
out.
Amelia was fun, down to earth, and easy-going. Although not always,
sometimes she was an even bigger pain than Nick, but I guess it made me
appreciate her more. Not many girls had the courage to stick up to me. Not
many guys, either. Come to think of it… none, actually.
Nick didn’t count. He was a pussy—pussy whipped, to be precise.
“Next time, I’ll wait until James leaves.” I brought the cup to my lips,
hiding a grin. “What time do you want to leave?”
Nick’s face lit up at the reminder of our afternoon plan—a trip to the
airport to pick up his sister, Nadia. He talked about her non-stop since she
rang two weeks ago to say she was coming back home to London for good.
Nick went bat-shit crazy with happiness. Literally.
Fine, not literally, but close enough.
I understood that brothers loved their sisters, but what Nick had going on
was a borderline obsession. He worshipped the ground Nadia walked on.
He would lie down on a puddle and let her use him as a bridge. It never
ceased to amaze me just how much he cared about her, but I was yet to find
out why every time her name left his lips he sounded like a fanatic.
“Any time now. She lands in an hour, but you know how bad the traffic
gets around Heathrow airport. Especially on a Friday.”
“Fine by me.” I pushed the paperwork aside and rose from my chair.
Nick walked out the door before I put my jacket on. “I’m done for the day,”
I told Caroline when we passed the reception desk in the foyer. “Marie Hill
will be here at nine a.m. on Monday for an interview.”
Caroline too, was a blond super-model, but I never touched her. Not that I
didn’t want to. I couldn’t. She was married and in love with her husband,
who happened to be one of our brightest accountants. Good, honest
accountants were much harder to come by than slutty blondes, so Caroline
remained the only blonde girl to ever work at C&G Records, whom I didn’t
fuck.
Before taking the wheel, I lit a cigarette and hung my jacket at the back
of the car. The temperature reached thirty degrees Celsius three days ago,
and according to the weather forecast, it wouldn’t cool down for a few
weeks. The United Kingdom hadn’t seen temperatures like that for seventy
years! At least that was what the newspapers claimed … every year, really.
In the passenger seat, Nicholas played with the radio, looking for his
favourite station. “Is the boot empty? Nadia will have a lot of luggage.”
Of course. As he mentioned fifty-eight times since Monday, Nadia lived
in New York for two years, so coming back home meant she had to pack all
her belongings. Honestly, if he hadn’t told me, I would have never figured it
out myself.
“Yes. I cleared it out. We can put bags on the back seat if all of it doesn’t
fit in the boot.”
He grinned when I backed out of the parking lot and took a shortcut to
get to the airport faster. As much as I enjoyed Nick’s company, I wasn’t up
to hearing, yet again, how excited he was to get his little sister back. The
emphasis he put on “little” had me convinced Nadia was three inches tall.
Nick put his shades on and drank the last of his coffee. He still hadn’t done
one thing, and I couldn’t help but wonder whether he understood there was
some decency to me, or he forgot to warn me in all the excitement.
Either way, despite talking about Nadia twenty-four-seven, he didn’t once
ask me to keep my hands off her. She wasn’t blonde, but neither was Mel. I
expected to hear some kind of warning, since Nadia was one of the most
important women in his life.
Correction—undeniably the most important woman in his life.
I lasted twenty minutes before my curiosity won over common sense.
“No ‘Stay away from my sister’ speech? You’re slacking.”
Nicholas chuckled, glancing at me from above his round red shades.
“There’s no way she would trade Adrian for you.”
That’s right—Nadia had a boyfriend. Nick mentioned him, but I chose to
forget. To be honest, I paid little attention when he talked about his sister. I
recalled vague information, like the fact she studied art, but not much more.
Instead of listening, I busied my mind with more important matters, like:
What would be the worst thing to put in a recycling bin? Or why do people
use cutlery to eat a burger?
I mean, how can you trust someone who doesn’t trust themselves with a
fucking sandwich?
We sped through the city and reached the airport ten minutes early. Nick
got out of the car, beaming, and left me to wait. I put Die Hard into the
DVD slot ready to watch it for the seventh time this month. It didn’t occur
to me to keep a few different movies in the glove compartment just in case.
The boot to my BMW opened forty minutes later. I glanced at the side
mirror. A dark-haired girl stood with her back to me, next to a trolley with
at least five bags stacked one on top of another. I got out to help Nick. He
lacked muscles to load the luggage.
Nadia was short. Really short. I hadn’t seen a girl shorter than her. Or
maybe I did, but five foot eight was a minimum to grab my attention. Nadia
wouldn’t hit it even if she jumped.
“My Range Rover is being cleaned after Mel left a can of Pepsi on the
dashboard in full sun,” Nick said. “You’ve no idea how much mess one tiny
can makes when it explodes.”
“Then whose car is this?”
Her voice was pleasant. Melodic, but not too high.
“Mine,” I replied, and watched her spin around. “Thomas Calix.”
She knew who I was, but it seemed appropriate to introduce myself since
it was our first encounter. I took her hand and kissed it softly, discovering a
gentleman in me to please Nicholas.
He was born with old-fashioned manners. I wasn’t, but I figured it
wouldn’t kill me to try.
Despite being a brunette, and as far from my type as possible, I would
have to be blind to miss how attractive she was. I liked blondes, but it didn’t
mean I considered other girls ugly. Nadia got shelved under gorgeous, and
few girls hit that rank. In fact, there was only one other girl who deserved
the gorgeous tag—Maya, and she wasn’t turning three for another few
weeks.
Nadia and I were checking each other out in the middle of the parking
lot, and for the first few seconds our eyes didn’t lock. I watched her face,
small nose, full lips the colour of peaches, and a cascade of dark brown hair,
which complimented her olive skin.
 Her eyes lingered on my chest longer than appropriate. Intimidation
washed over me instead of the expected pride. Finally, she tilted her head to
look at my face—that’s how short she was. She would need a fucking
ladder to get eye-level with me.
Another two seconds passed before our eyes locked, but once they did
my heart just stopped. For twenty-eight years, it was beating fine.
Sometimes faster, sometimes slower, but it was always beating.
Until I looked into Nadia’s eyes.
They were like a window right through to her tormented soul. She acted
happy and at ease, but hurt and pain hid underneath the mask. I waited for
her to say something, but she looked me up and down again.
Her eyes darkened when she moved her gaze back to my face, studying it
as if I were a sample under a microscope.
“You must be Nick’s sister,” I offered, lacking better ideas.
Our stare down lasted half a minute but with my heart skipping a dozen
beats, it felt more like an eternity.
“Nadia,” she said.
Her proximity was both soothing and disturbing. I wanted to avert my
gaze and keep staring at the same time. And suddenly there were more
things I wanted to do, and I wanted to do them to her or with her.
I wanted to taste her lips, touch her skin, rip her clothes off, and take her
right there in the middle of the car park. I wanted to bend her over the hood
of my car, grab a fistful of her hair, and make her tremble in my arms. I
wanted her, and I had no idea why.
We met two minutes ago; she wasn’t blonde, tall or slutty, but desire
erupted under my skin, and images of her naked body filled my mind.
I realised she was Nick’s sister. His off–fucking–limits little sister. I
couldn’t have her, and considering I always got what I wanted, not being
able to bag her was frustrating to say the least.
Within seconds, Nadia transformed from a girl with whom I had no
reason to be interested, into a forbidden fruit. And that meant trouble. Big
trouble.
Fine, not that big—something like five foot two.
Nicholas struggled with the first bag, and I stepped in to help him.
Frustration found a way out of my system when I lifted the heavy bags. It
would have helped more if I threw one across the car park. Once all were
loaded, I closed the boot and took the driver’s seat.
 “What’s the plan? Or should I just ask who’s coming?” Nadia’s voice
penetrated my walls, but I didn’t dare look.
“We’ll have fun tonight. I can promise you that,” Nick said.
He planned the evening in detail. First, a house party, then, a night out at
the club because Nadia loved dancing. Half an hour ago, I looked forward
to spending time with friends. Now? Not so much.
Considering what I wanted to do to Nadia—but couldn’t—being in the
same room with her seemed like a bad idea.
My hands were shaking, and I squeezed the wheel harder, backing out of
the parking space. Nadia brought me to my knees after thirty seconds, and it
took just one look. What the hell would she do if she had, say, an hour or
two? The evening ahead turned into a game of survival, and I fucking
sucked at games. How could I keep my hands to myself if all I could think
about was touching her?
I peeked into the rear-view mirror to find Nadia resting against the
window, watching the streets with moderate interest.
Those full lips of hers were going to haunt me in my sleep.
“Nothing changed here.” She moved her attention to Nicholas.
He chuckled, turning around. “You were only gone for two years, not two
centuries.”
Two years too long. If she hadn’t left for New York, I would have met
her two years ago. Not that I had a single idea on how we could have spent
that time since I wasn’t allowed to touch her. Even thinking about her, the
way I had for the past fifteen minutes was a no-no.
Nadia ignored Nick’s remark. “How’s my apartment?”
“About that… You have to stay at mine for a few days. The painters
weren’t available last week, but they’re starting tomorrow. They should be
done by the weekend. You’ll move in then.”
I tried to ignore Nadia’s presence, but it was like trying to ignore my
hand—impossible.
This had to be what dogs feel when they look at a bar of chocolate. They
can look at it and smell it but can’t eat it. I was in the same position with
Nadia. I had no right to have her. No wonder dogs give in when no one’s
looking. The agitation and frustration in me were driving me nuts, and it
had only been twenty minutes.
Nick turned back to face the road. “You’ve got three hours for a nap
before everyone shows up, sis.”
 “Actually, I wanted to see Dad first.” Nadia looked into the rear-view
mirror, meeting my eyes. “Would it be much of a hassle for you to drop me
off there, Thomas? I’ll get a taxi back.”
Instead of forming a coherent reply, I got side-tracked by how my name
sounded on her lips. The s at the end was a touch longer than when anyone
else said it…
“Can’t it wait until tomorrow?” Nick cut in. “I’ll take you to him first
thing in the morning.”
“I haven’t seen him for two years. I want to go today,” she sighed,
defeated. “It’s okay. I’ll just get a taxi once we’re at your house.”
I searched for her eyes in the mirror. Since we left the airport, I spent
more time watching Nadia than the road.
“I never said I wouldn’t take you. You want to go straight there or Nick’s
house first?”
“Straight there, if you don’t mind.”
I put the indicator on, turned left at the traffic light, and parked in front of
the gate ten minutes later, turning around to look at Nadia.
Fucking perfect lips. Fucking beautiful, big, sad eyes.
“Thirteen Lakeside View?” Nadia asked, double checking her brother’s
address.
Nick confirmed and took his wallet out to give her money for a taxi—a
taxi she wouldn’t take since I decided to come back for her. As
inappropriate and idiotic as it was, I wanted to spend a few minutes alone
with her, even if it meant blue balls for life. I wasn’t planning on confessing
it to Nick in case he got the wrong idea.
Not that he shouldn’t. The things I wanted to do to his sister were exactly
the things he failed to warn me about.

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 CHAPTER 2
NADIA

So thoughtful
I placed a bouquet of lilies I bought by the cemetery gate on the
headstone and took a seat on a bench in front of Dad’s grave. Two years had
passed since I sat on that bench, looking at the letters carved in marble.

Arthur Grimwald
A loving father, a caring friend.

For a while I stared at the words written on the piece of paper in my

hand, then took a deep breath and opened my mouth, reading quietly.

Daddy,

I’m back for good. I know I still have another year before graduation, but
I had to come home. I couldn’t stay in New York any longer. A lot happened
in the last few months, and I don’t know where to begin.
I guess I should start by telling you about Adrian. We were dating for a
year and a half. He was perfect, caring, loving, and so passionate about
life. He stalked me for a month, begging for a date. I was tired of telling
him no, and after that first date, we were inseparable.
You should have seen Adrian and Nick together. They were best friends
after half an hour. Nick adored him, and so did I, but five months ago
everything changed.
I’m not sure if I should tell you this. It’s so hard, Daddy, it’s all still fresh,
and hurts so bad.

I paused, skimming over the next pages, wondering if I had the courage
to tell my father why Adrian was no longer a part of my life. It took me a
moment to read again, but when I did, I didn’t hold back. I cried and
whispered the words, hoping that telling the story would help me move on.
 Four pages later, I started the last one, feeling lighter, but still just a
shadow of the girl I used to be. Happiness started escaping my life bit by bit
on my eighteenth birthday. For a while I thought happiness was coming
back, but it was just calmness before the storm. Now I was stuck—relieving
the worst times over again, unable to move on.

I had to come back. I booked a flight, called Nick, and here I am,
wondering if I did the right thing. He would never leave me like that. He
was there when I was breaking; to pick up my pieces and put them back
together so I could carry on living.
I should have done more, but I don’t know what else I could have done.
Because of Mum, I struggle to trust people. Adrian fought for my trust for a
long time, and once he failed me, there was no way I could trust him again.
I wish you could be here to tell me where I made a mistake, but even if
you were, I would never tell you any of this. Just like I won’t tell Nick. He
wouldn’t understand. It would hurt him too much.
On the bright side, now that I’m back, I can help Mel more with the
wedding. Maybe that will take my mind off things. I wish you could enjoy it
with us. It’ll be amazing.
I love you, Daddy, and I miss you so much.

Tears marked my face. Talking to Dad was hard, but it was the one thing
I had left to feel connected to him. I wiped my face, stood up, and put the
letter into my back pocket. After one last look at the grave, I walked away
with my head down.
I had to get a taxi, but I would never use a phone at the cemetery. I took it
out when I walked through the brass gate.
“Nadia.”
I glanced away from the screen. Thomas was halfway out of the car,
waving me over, dark shades hiding his striking cinnamon eyes. I took a
few wary steps in his direction, watching as he got back inside and leaned
over the passenger’s seat to open the door.
“You didn’t have to come back. I would have called a taxi,” I said,
getting into the car.
Thomas took the shades off and studied my face for a moment, his eyes
growing heavy with what appeared to be concern.
“I had nothing better to do, and Nick asked if I would bring you back.”
 “Did you wait long?”
He put the car in gear and pulled out onto the main road, the engine
murmuring like a wild cat.
“Why were you crying?” he asked, eyeing me as if looking for an answer
in my expression.
Few people would have the courage to ask, knowing where I spent the
past hour.
“It was a difficult conversation.”
“Conversation?” he scoffed. “He’s not around to answer, so you can’t call
it a conversation, Nadia. It’s a monologue.”
His ignorance brought a smile to my face. I enjoyed the brutal honesty.
We were alike in that way—I didn’t care for vagueness either. Or at least I
never used to. But recently, honesty was out of the question.
“That’s why I talk to him and not anyone else. Because he can’t answer.
Because he can’t pretend, he understands what’s going on when he sure as
hell wouldn’t.”
“How do you know?”
I forced a chuckle. “How could he if even I don’t understand it?”
My guard was down, my mind was at ease, and words poured out of my
mouth before I could stop them. The few minutes of Thomas’s presence
were enough to pique my interest. I couldn’t riddle him out. He didn’t come
across as approachable, yet he was easy to talk to.
Thomas stopped at the traffic light and turned in his seat, narrowing his
eyes. “That makes no sense,” he scoffed. “How can you not understand
what you tell him about?”
“I have been asking myself the same question for five months now.”
He turned back to watch the road. There was something sexy and
intimate about the way he sat with his elbow on the armrest, leaning toward
the middle of the car, and consequently toward me.
The smell of his cologne filled the small space, and the muscles in my
abdomen tightened as if on cue when he grazed his thumb across his bottom
lip, waiting for the light to change.
“Maybe you should talk to Nick? Maybe an actual conversation would
help?”
I shook my head, watching the road, when Thomas put the car in motion.
“I know my brother, and I can screen-write that conversation for you. I
know what he would say, and I know what impact my words would have on
him. In fact, you’ll get a glimpse of it later when he asks about Adrian.” I
rested my head on the headrest and closed my eyes. "Dad knows everything
because he’s not here to judge me. With him, I can get things off my chest."
We turned onto a woodland road, and within a hundred yards, we arrived
at our destination. Nick’s house looked like one of those pretty screensavers
—a medium-sized, traditional British cottage surrounded by tall trees and a
dark artificial lake.
Although lake was a slight exaggeration, it was more of a glorified pond.
Nick always wanted to build a house by the lake, but there weren’t any
available around London, so he settled for digging up his own little lake,
then built the house next to it.
I smiled at how much had changed during two years of my absence.
When I left, Nicholas lived in a one-bedroom apartment and drove an old
Ford Mondeo that resembled a death trap.
He told me about the record label idea soon after our father died. That
was the first time I heard about Thomas, but we had never met before. I
spent most of my time at a psychiatrist’s office and then left for New York
before the Record Label kicked off.
Fast-forward two years and he owned a beautiful house, was about to get
married to the love of his life, and together with Thomas made an obscene
amount of money thanks to C&G Records.
I was both happy and proud, but I regretted not being around to celebrate
with him then and there.
“Thank you,” I told Thomas, my hand lingering on the door handle.
“Will I see you tonight?”
He outstretched his hand over the back of my seat, his gaze jumping from
my lips to my eyes. “You will, baby doll.”
The front door to the house opened, and I only managed a nod before
exiting the car, my legs weak. Thomas raised his hand to acknowledge
Nick, then held my gaze backing out of the driveway and disappearing
behind a curtain of trees.
“So? What do you think? Not bad, huh?” Nick approached with an ever-
growing smile.
“Not bad,” I admitted, taking the picture-perfect scene in. “It’s amazing,
Nick.”
“Wait till you see your room. It’s overlooking the lake.”
 He winked, then grabbed my hand and dragged me inside, showing off
the warm, cosy décor as if he chose the colour scheme and not his wife-to-
be. Dark wood and copper-coloured carpets created an illusion that the
indoors were just an extension of the outdoors.
I collapsed on the corner sofa in the spacious living room, sinking into
the masses of fluffy pillows in three different shades of orange.
An eight-hour flight and a five-hour time difference were creeping up on
me. For the last few weeks I didn’t sleep much, and now that I was home,
my energy evaporated.
The baby doll Thomas treated me with echoed in my mind, and every
time I blinked, I saw his face and those striking, cinnamon eyes.
“What time is Mel due back?” I asked to change the course of my
thoughts.
“Shortly after six. How about you get some sleep? I’m sure she won’t be
able to resist waking you up.”
He wasn’t wrong. Three hours later, I got out of the bathroom showered
and dressed in a beige skater skirt and a white long-sleeve top. Mel tackled
me as soon as I walked into the bedroom. Her face was flushed as if she ran
a marathon.
“Oh my God! I can’t believe you’re finally here!” she screamed in my
ear, rocking left and right.
I laughed, wrapping my arms around her. “Me neither.” I pulled away
when her bright red hair tickled my face. “How did the fitting go?”
“Okay, I guess. We’re on schedule, but there’s a lot to do, and not much
time. We’ve only got two weeks to finalise everything before I start work.”
Her voice rose an octave when the panic kicked in—she was famous for
the ultrasonic tone to her voice whenever she was stressed or excited.
“Don’t worry.” I squeezed her hand. “We’ll get it done on time. I
promise. If we can’t manage within the next two weeks, I can take care of
things by myself, since I’m not going back to school until way after the
wedding.”
She sighed, collapsing on my bed. “I know. I can’t believe it’s happening.
I mean, would you have ever bet on me marrying your brother when we
were in high school?”
“Not in a million years,” I admitted, looking at her reflection in the
mirror, “but I’m happy for you. You’re made for each other.”
 It took time before I got accustomed to the fact that my brother was
dating my best friend. I freaked out when Nicholas told me. I was afraid my
relationship with Amelia would fall apart if things didn’t work out between
them.
At the time, I couldn’t imagine they would last longer than two months.
Then, the longer they dated, the harder I rooted for them, but it wasn’t until
Nick proposed that I got my peace. I needed tangible proof, just like with
everything else in my life.
Now I couldn’t imagine a better fit for my brother. Amelia was caring,
resolute, and bossy, which helped her tame Nick’s impulsiveness. He was
good for her too and got her hyperactivity slightly under control.
“Who’s coming tonight?”
“Thomas is here already. He kind of freaked me out arriving before
everyone else. He’s always late,” she said, playing with her hair. “Ethan
should be here in an hour … He was over the moon when Nick told him
you’re coming back. And Scorpio is coming with Jane, too.”
“Ethan?”
“Ethan Marks! Oh my god, Nadia!”
“I remember. I just didn’t expect him to still be a part of the clan.”
Amelia shrugged and clicked her tongue. “He stuck around. Oh, and
Alex might join us later.” A curtain of red hair covered her freckled face
when she decided to re-do her ponytail. “She’s got a massive crush on
Thomas. It’s fun to watch when she’s all puss-in-boots cute-eyes, and he
just doesn’t give a shit.”
“Not his type?”
“Neither are you, Missy.”
“What?” I spun around, two wrinkles on my forehead.
“You’re blushing, babe.” She pointed a finger at me. “I get it. He’s hot,
but he’s a playboy. He doesn’t do monogamy, and you’re in a committed
relationship! Stare all you want, but no touching.”
“About that relationship … I have something to tell you two.”
Mel’s lips curved into a Cheshire-cat kind of grin, and she glanced at my
hand searching for an engagement ring.
“If it’s what I think it is…”
“Don’t jump to conclusions,” I warned, but she ignored me, still smiling
like a maniac.
 I finished applying make-up, and we ascended the stairs where Nicholas
sat in the living room with Thomas casually sprawled in the comfy-looking
chair in the corner. I hesitated for a moment, my mouth turning dry.
A diametrical change in his style added a few points to his good looks.
Instead of a suit he wore a pair of black jeans and a … white t-shirt. And
hanging over the armrest? A beige jacket.
Talk about coincidence.
He brought his eyes from the screen of his cell, and despite standing at
least ten feet away, I could make out the way his chest broadened when he
inhaled, his eyes taking me in inch by inch.
“Sleep well, sis?” Nicholas patted the space next to him.
I hesitated again, knowing damn well that sitting next to him meant he
would be touching me a lot. Nick was a very physical being. I used to be
too. I used to enjoy nesting my head in the crook of his neck while we
watched a movie.
“Not bad,” I said, taking a seat on the couch, a little further away than I
normally would’ve. “Although it’s weird without all the noise right outside
the window.”
“Missing New York already?” Thomas cut in.
“I bet it’s not New York or the noise she’s missing,” Mel said, bouncing
in the doorway. “Go on! Spill it!” She looked over to Nick, grinning.
“Nadia has something to share about her and Adrian.”
Nick’s reaction was identical to Mel’s—he smiled and glanced at my
hand, looking for a ring.
So much for calm news breaking.
There they were, expecting an engagement announcement, and all I had
were bad news.
Nick winked at Thomas, sipped on his whiskey, and looked back at me,
trying to contain his excitement. “So? How’s my future brother-in-law?
When is he coming?”
Nick met Adrian last Christmas and accepted him as a part of the family
less than a day later. It wasn’t surprising. Adrian made a great first
impression, and he was the kind of guy any loving brother would want for
his sister—kind, caring, and affectionate.
I sighed, looking up, hoping to find strength in the blue ceiling. “He’s not
coming.”
 “What?” A frown replaced the smile on Nick’s face. “He’s not coming to
the wedding? Why?” Disappointment rang in his voice.
“I told you not to jump to conclusions.” I eyed Mel. “We’re not
engaged.” I let that bit sink in. “We broke up.”
Amelia gasped, covering her mouth. “You broke up?” she uttered, taking
a seat on the armrest of the couch.
Thomas snickered, drawing my attention. The look on his handsome face
read something along the lines of “I see what you meant.”
Nick stared at me, still shocked. “You dumped him? When? Why?”
He wasn’t making it easier with the higher than normal tone and
disappointment casting an ugly shadow on his face. I glanced at Thomas as
if he could help me somehow. He couldn’t. He wasn’t trying either. He just
sat there, the intensity of his gaze burning my cheeks.
“Two months ago. And who says I dumped him?”
“Oh please!” Nick threw his hands in the air, then got up. “He was over
his fucking head in love with you, and I bet he still is! Why did you dump
him?”
The accusation in his voice was making me livid. I wanted to scream at
the top of my lungs about what Adrian had done, but it wouldn’t help the
situation. It would make things worse.
“He changed. He’s not the same guy you met last year.”
There was nothing left of the passionate guy I fell for.
“What does that mean?” Nick demanded, clenching the glass he held so
hard his knuckles turned white with the effort.
“Oh, for crying out loud!” I fumed, and saw Thomas chuckling, which
made me smile a little. “Let it go. I know you liked him, but it didn’t work
out.”
For two months my relationship with Adrian played out in my mind on
repeat, and there was nothing I wanted more than to leave it behind.
Back in New York, everything reminded me of Adrian. In London, there
was nothing to trigger memories, and if Nick would stop talking about him,
I could finally forgive and forget.
God knew I wanted to start a new chapter, but despite my efforts and
determination, Adrian was still lurking at the back of my mind. And as
ridiculous as it was, I still had feelings for him. I still missed him, and it
scared me.
 I was reaching a desperation point in my attempts to rid him from my
mind and heart. There wasn’t much I wouldn’t do to get my peace. I was
tired of tears and wanted to draw a line that would divide the past from the
present so I could live my future.
Nick remained silent, eyeing me with a frown. He finished his drink and
walked out of the room without a word. I assumed he needed a few minutes
to calm down, and I almost felt bad for yelling at him. He just wanted me to
be happy, and in his eyes, Adrian deserved to make it happen.
“I can’t believe you kept this quiet for two months!” Amelia scoffed, but
her expression changed from annoyed to compassionate in no time. She
took my hand and sighed, running her thumb over my knuckles. “How are
you holding up, sweetie? Need a girl’s night out?”
“I’m fine, Mel,” I said, retreating my hand. “Really. It’s for the best. You
better think of someone I can take as my date to your wedding.”
“I’ll take you,” Thomas cut in, focusing on me as if we were alone.
“You’re not cute, Thomas,” Mel spat out, rolling her eyes, “but thanks for
being so thoughtful.”
She never knew when to shut up. I was dateless, Thomas was handsome,
ergo—good enough.
“Can you dance?”
“No, he can’t,” Mel snapped.
Thomas smiled, satisfied. “Wear comfortable shoes.”
Nicholas came back with a tray full of shot glasses, and Thomas grabbed
the bottle of Tequila to do the honours.
Mel wrapped her hand around her fiancé’s neck as soon as he sat down.
She kissed him, a mischievous grin curving her lips. “Guess who Nadia’s
date to our wedding is.”
Nicholas turned to me, and then to his best friend, awaiting confirmation.
“Well … This might not be a bad idea. You’re my best man; Nadia’s the
maid of honour. You won’t have dates to entertain, and you’ll focus on
making sure everything runs smoothly.”
It sounded like he tried to convince himself that it was okay, but I knew
he dreaded not seeing Adrian at my side in seven weeks.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 3
THOMAS

“Missing” posters
The more time passed without Nadia around the better I got at rational
thinking. Whatever she did to me in the parking lot evaporated when I
parked the car outside my house after dropping her off at Nick’s.
Then, for ten minutes, I stood in front of the mirror, staring at my
reflection. Nothing about my appearance changed since the morning, but I
felt different. All because of a petite, gorgeous baby doll with eyes the size
of walnuts and the colour of dark chocolate. A doll whom I couldn’t have,
despite wanting her like I have wanted no one before.
I couldn’t have her because she was Nick’s off-fucking-limits sister; she
was a brunette, and after twenty minutes with her, I liked her.
All the reasons for not touching her were checked off, but it didn’t mean
shit. I still wanted her. I fucking craved her.
My brain didn’t take a holiday, it disappeared. Huge Missing posters
hung all over London as I searched for it.
I shook my head, amused at how much I had been thinking about Nadia.
It wasn’t like I ever gave a second thought to Ann, Grace or any other
blonde, but Nadia occupied my mind non-stop for the past two hours. At the
end of the day, all I wanted to do was fuck her.
Nothing more, and nothing less.
And as much as I wanted it, I could divert my needs to some nameless
blonde later.
Problem solved.
My fool-proof plan comprised of bagging the first good-looking blonde I
would lay eyes on. And it worked well right until it didn’t. I followed Nadia
out to the garden a few minutes after Nick finished interrogating her about
Adrian, and even fewer minutes after I offered to escort her to the wedding.
How very fucking thoughtful of you, Thomas.
Taking girls out wasn’t my style. Fifteen minutes was all I needed and
taking them out meant spending more than that in their presence which
meant complications—like not being able to take two or three girls to the
toilet during one party.
Whatever. I could abstain from acting like a jerk for one night, if it meant
Nadia wouldn’t arrive at the wedding with an even bigger jerk. By the look
on Amelia’s face, I knew which jerk she planned to shove into Nadia’s face
hadn’t I offered.
I wouldn’t let him take care of Nadia. I wouldn’t let him take care of a
fucking fruit fly, but I should have thought it through. The looks on their
faces ranged from stunned to disbelieving, and while it was nothing short of
what I expected from Amelia, the same look on Nadia’s face gave me the
creeps.
She knew.
She knew what kind of guy I was. Mel must have filled her in, and for
the first time, I was ashamed of my lifestyle.
Nadia sat on a fallen bough, which Nick failed to get rid of. The sun
headed west and the first rays of orange broke the sky, creating a
spectacular view over the calm lake. It wouldn’t be half as spectacular
without her in the picture though.
“You look gorgeous, baby doll,” I said, lighting up a Zippo.
Gorgeous was an understatement. The way she kept her hair draped over
one shoulder, falling to her chest, her petite posture and how she held a
cigarette in-between those full lips was hypnotic. But I still couldn’t put my
finger on what it was about her that had me so hooked.
The hair on my neck stood on end when she licked her lips, eyes trained
on me. The sight gave me a head rush and standing became tricky. I took a
seat beside her—which was not the best choice, considering her perfume
had an equally powerful brainwashing effect.
“I’m still trying to decide whether you’re being rude or flattering with
that baby doll.”
I took a drag and exhaled the smoke, trying to focus on something other
than her proximity, or the electricity jumping between us, but my heart was
beating its way out of my chest with a sledgehammer.
“Not rude,” I muttered, dropping my gaze to her lips.
Not grabbing her face in my hands and sinking into that perfect mouth of
hers was physically painful.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” I rasped.
 We were sitting outside, but there wasn’t enough breathing air around
once the atmosphere shifted from casual to roaring with lust.
She swallowed to make room for words. “I think you’re too close,” she
sighed, redirecting the blood flow in my body toward the inseam of my
trousers.
Instead of moving away, she inched closer. She wanted me to kiss her as
much as I wanted to do it, and that was all the green light I needed to risk
my friendship and partnership with Nick.
All for one fucking kiss.
And how could I not think about making love to her when she sighed like
that?
Fuck. You want to fuck her, Thomas.
God, I was doomed. Was my brain never coming back?
Everything else disappeared for a second when her nose almost brushed
over mine and less than an inch parted our lips. I was about to move in and
steal a kiss when she jumped back, startled.
I didn’t know what happened until I heard a familiar—suddenly very
loathed—voice coming from the open patio doors.
“Nadia!” Ethan exclaimed, charging at her.
My first thought was to punch his face to stop him from getting anywhere
near her. I suppressed the need to perform a knockout on one of my friends
to let some steam off.
Nadia got up, eyeing Ethan with a hint of dread. If I weren’t watching
her, I would have missed the way she glanced around as if looking for a
way out. Before she could make a move, and before any other brilliant idea
formed in my mind, Ethan helped—rather, forced—Nadia up and drew her
straight into his arms.
Nadia froze. I couldn’t see her face, but her body language spoke
volumes and clearly said that the greeting Ethan chose was the last thing
she wanted. She lifted a trembling hand and patted his back.
Ethan appeared nervous when Nadia stepped away, having only lasted
two seconds in his embrace, but an eager smile on his face covered it up
well.
“Amelia told me you would be here,” Nadia said, still looking unsure
about how to act around him.
She took a step back, ready to sit down beside me, but Ethan stopped her,
draping his arm over her shoulders with pure joy in his clear blue eyes.
 “I wouldn’t miss it for the world, cutie.”
Nadia flinched hearing the endearment, and once again wriggled out of
his embrace. Her hands still trembled when she took a cigarette out of a
pack and looked at me, taking a seat.
Fear and pain I saw in her eyes earlier were clearer now. I didn’t like
what I witnessed. And I sure as hell didn’t like the way she reacted to
Ethan, or that I didn’t understand the last of it.
I took a Zippo out and offered it to Nadia, brushing my fingers across her
hand and watching in confusion as the trembling stopped.
“You all right, mate?” Ethan asked me.
He noticed nothing odd about Nadia’s behaviour and kept smiling as if he
won the lotto. If he had a tail, he would be wagging it all over the place.
Pussy.
My jaw clenched together with my fists. I still hadn’t stopped considering
whether to knock him out or not, especially after seeing the anxiety on
Nadia’s face. The need to protect her, despite not knowing what I would be
protecting her from, appeared out of nowhere.
Nailing Ethan would definitely help me calm down. If it weren’t for him,
I would have kissed her by now. Then again, Nicholas would have punched
my face if I did, so call it even.
What I got out of the situation was worth the wait. Nadia wanted me, and
I had no strength to deny myself her perfect mouth while knowing she
wanted me to taste her. Or maybe I was only justifying my weakness.
I looked over to the oblivious Ethan. “I’m good. You?”
“All the better after seeing this fine lady. How long has it been? It sure
feels like a century!”
Kiss-ass.
Nadia headed back inside the house a moment later with Ethan at her
side. I stayed, needing a minute or two to get my act together. I felt like a
bouncing ball for the better part of the day. When I touched the ground, i.e.
when Nadia was nowhere near, I was fine with not being able to sleep with
her. As soon as I bounced back up, my reason went to hell. Since a
bouncing ball spends way more time in the air than on the ground, I was
fucked.
Everyone sat at the table chatting and laughing when I walked back in a
few minutes later. Ethan watched Nadia with a visible softness in his eyes,
but she was too busy talking about art with Nick to notice his hearts and
kisses attitude.
Scorpio arrived with his girl, Jane, an hour later. Just like Ethan, he
embraced Nadia in greeting, and just like with Ethan, Nadia froze. This
time I saw her face. And more importantly—her eyes.
I was right. She was scared. She did everything she could to endure those
few short seconds in Scorpio’s arms, but inside I knew she was screaming. I
glanced at Nick, but he didn’t seem to have noticed anything odd about her
behaviour. No one looked alarmed, and that was why I stayed in my seat
instead of getting up to shove Scorpio away.
Maybe I misread her emotions? Maybe it wasn’t fear but aversion?
Maybe she just wasn’t a hugger?
I squeezed my neck, frustration growing by the minute. Instead of
looking for a way to kill the obsession, I pushed forward, deeper into the
madness. Deeper into the unknown.
“Taxi will be here in an hour, so we better get a move on.”
“We’re going out?” Nadia asked, taking a seat beside me once again.
It might have been wishful thinking, but I could have sworn she sat
closer than she did minutes ago.
Ethan turned toward her. “We booked the VIP box at Vertigo, but if you
would rather stay here…” he trailed off.
“No. I just need to change my shoes.”
She sprinted out of the room, followed by Ethan’s and my gaze. He was
smiling; I was frowning, and Nadia looked relieved to catch a break.
Thanking Nick’s lack of common sense because he picked a house
project that didn’t have a downstairs toilet, I got up and, not needing an
explanation, climbed the stairs to check on Nadia.
I stopped in the middle of the upstairs hallway. The door to her room
stood open, and Nadia sat on the floor, resting against the bed. A large bag
lay beside her on the dark brown carpet, and she rummaged through it,
taking out bottles of prescription pills. I counted seven.
She took five tablets, closed her eyes, and a second later my stomach
came up to my throat when she brought her hand up to wipe the tears I
hadn’t noticed from afar. That was too much for me. Instead of doing
something, anything to help her, I hid in the bathroom so she wouldn’t see
me, my heart racing as fast as my thoughts.
 I rested my forehead on the cool tiles. A long time ago Nick told me that
Nadia saw a psychiatrist for months after their father died. He mentioned
medication, but I couldn’t recall much information. And I never would have
expected that she was still on meds. Their father died almost three years
ago.
I left the bathroom only after I heard her heels on the stairs. For a
moment I stood there, eyeing the door to her bedroom, trying to convince
myself that I had no right to spy on her. It took effort, but I turned my back
on the room that held a few answers.
Nick gaped at Nadia’s arm, inspecting a small tattoo of a gun she had on
her wrist. “When did you get it?”
“Last month.”
She made a gun with her finger and pulled the trigger. A genuine smile lit
up her face before she stood up and left for the back garden with Ethan at
her side. He didn’t even smoke.
Nicholas shook his head looking at the door they disappeared behind.
“It’s like I don’t even know her anymore.” He rubbed his temples. “First
Adrian, now this. What else is she hiding?”
It looked like she hid more than he could imagine. The trouble was that
he didn’t seem to notice her problems, and I had no right to ask.
“You’re such a girl, Nick. Grow a pair, will you?” Amelia cut in puffing
like a pissed off Chihuahua. “She broke up with Adrian. So what? It’s not
the end of the world. Did you expect her to marry the guy? She’s twenty-
one!”
“He would never leave her. She dumped him,” Nick hissed.
“You don’t know what happened, but you only blame her. Yeah, when we
met him, Adrian was perfect, but I’m sure she had a good reason to leave
him.”
“I guess, but it sucks. I like Adrian. They were good together.” Nick
pursed his lips. “I just wish she would tell me what happened.”
“She will. Give her some time.”
I was only half involved in the conversation. The other half of my
concentration went to trying to remain seated whilst Ethan was alone with
Nadia outside. I couldn’t see them and my imagination ran wild. I raked my
hand through my hair, then urged Scorpio and Nick to drink a shot with me,
before shoving my hand into the front pocket of my jeans, looking for
cigarettes. I was acting ridiculous. Nadia and Ethan were friends long
before I met either of them. They were just talking.
Well, if they were just talking, there was no reason not to join them,
right?
Right.
Ethan stood with his back pressed to the wall, watching Nadia in silence.
Her breath caught when I sat down beside her, taking a cigarette out of the
packet. Containing a triumphant smile proved almost impossible, but Ethan
helped me out when he opened his mouth.
“We could go to Pesto; it’s a great Italian restaurant.”
Whoa. Did he just ask her out? How did that happen? He was afraid to
chat a girl up in a club, but for Nadia he was a gigolo?
“How about we go play pool?”
She could have slapped me, and I wouldn’t tell the difference. Less than
two hours earlier she sat in the same spot ready to kiss me, and now she
agreed to go out on a date with Ethan.
I should have nailed him when I had the opportunity. A vein throbbed in
my neck when Ethan retreated inside, unharmed and winning.
“Ethan? Really?” The accusation and disbelief in my voice was a whole
level too desperate.
Nadia pulled her eyebrows together. “I don’t follow.”
“Why are you going out with him?”
Her expression changed from confused to annoyed. “He asked me.”
I gripped the bench with both hands. “That clears things up.”
“It’s nice of you to care, but I already have a big brother, Thomas, so
unless Ethan’s a rapist, a drug addict, or a murderer, you can leave the
worrying to Nick.”
Big brother? When have I acted like an overprotective brother? I was as
far as possible from being her big brother, small brother or any other
brother.
She toyed with a lock of her dark hair, drawing her lip between the white
teeth and pulling on it slowly. A rush of heat ran through me once I saw
through her ploy. She wouldn’t go out with Ethan. She wanted me, but
wanted to play a little. And I was a game.
“You’re right. It’s none of my business. Just don’t leave me hanging,
baby doll. You’re my date for the wedding.”
“Of course, I am.”
 The atmosphere relaxed once we headed for the club. Nick’s good mood
reappeared, which meant a conversation game. He glanced around
searching the confined space of a taxi for something to spy.
“I spy with my little eyes something beginning with G.”
Amelia bounced in her seat. “Garden! Ginger!” She looked at me.
“Grumpy face!”
“A gun.” Ethan cut in, smiling at Nadia. “My turn. I spy with my little
eyes something beginning with C.”
I rolled my eyes. He was overdoing it. “Cutie,” I clipped. “I spy with my
little eyes something beginning with J.”
That one was obvious, wasn’t it? Apparently not. At least not for six
people sharing the taxi with me. No one guessed, but their turns took the
rest of the journey.
We entered the club, and I headed to the bar with Nicholas and Scorpio,
leaving the Jerk to follow Nadia to the table, since she was apparently
incapable of walking twenty metres without help.
Scorpio watched him, sneering. “That didn’t take long. Were they a thing
before Nadia left?”
Nick looked over his shoulder, a soft but sad smile on his lips. “No. He
wanted to ask her out, but she was sixteen and not interested in dating. He
had a long-term girlfriend later, and when they split up, our dad was already
dead, and Nadia was a mess. I guess he wants to make up for lost time, but
it doesn’t matter. Nadia will be back with Adrian in no time.”
“She seemed certain that they are over,” I offered.
“I don’t think such a term exists with them. You haven’t seen her with
Adrian. He’s the guy. He’s so in love with her he makes me look like an
amateur.”
Was it even possible? Nick loved Amelia like a beaten-up stray dog loves
a new owner who gives him a cosy bed and an occasional stroke. He loved
her more than his work and life combined. Not more than Nadia, but it was
still a-fucking-lot.
How could Adrian love Nadia more?
“What can I get you?” A tall, skinny, blonde barmaid stopped in front of
me, even though Scorpio was the one to crawl out of his skin to get served.
“A bottle of tequila.”
“And an Appletini.” Nick ordered Amelia’s favourite drink.
 Scorpio elbowed me in the ribs, offended that he didn’t get served first.
“Two of those.”
“Should I make it three? Does Nadia drink that?”
Truth be told, if it were up to me, I would cut her off. She took a handful
of pills and flushing them down with alcohol seemed like a bad idea.
Nick pulled a face. “Not a chance. She’s on tequila for the rest of the
night. She can’t mix.”
Noted—no mixing for the baby doll.
Ethan approached when the bartender was finishing up with our order.
He raised his chin in greeting, since we haven’t seen each other for five
whole minutes, then moved his gaze to the blonde with big boobs.
Was she a sign? A tall, blue-eyed sign telling me to leave my best
friend’s sister be, and take her instead somewhere at the back of the
building?
Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea. Nadia had issues, and God knew I had
enough of my own.
“Two bottles of Corona, one with two pieces of lime,” Ethan ordered.
I used to like the guy. Deep down I still did but damn it, he was getting
on my nerves. He was an annoying discomfort like a piece of gum stuck to
a shoe, or pigeon crap on a brand new Armani suit, all because he was after
the girl I wanted. It wouldn’t be an issue with any other girl, but in this
case, Ethan could have Nadia—and I couldn’t.
Nicholas frowned, hinting who the two-pieces-of-lime Corona was for.
Pissed off all over again, I snatched the tray with tequila from the
countertop and made my way to the table, leaving Nick to cover the bill. I
put the tray down and handed a shot to Nadia.
“Drink up, baby doll.”
“Ethan’s getting me a Corona.”
He’ll choke on it later.
I outstretched my hand over the back of her seat and leaned in not to
shout over the music. The sweet and spicy smell of her perfume was a
strangely satisfying combination. I had the urge to hide my face in the crook
of her neck.
“I would rather you didn’t mix.”
Nadia pursed her lips, eyes drilling a hole in me like one of those
pneumatic hammers used at road works. She wanted to argue but she
downed the shot while holding my gaze.
 “Thank you.” I took the empty shot glass from her and placed it back on
the tray bottom up.
Amelia and Jane watched me silent, surprised, and confused. I acted
oddly around Nadia, but there wasn’t much I could do.
Or could I?
I turned around, scanning the dance floor in search of a perfect blonde
who would take my mind off the perfect brunette. The bartender was
plausible, but I knew there were prettier girls around.
Nothing had changed since the morning—Nadia was still off-limits, and I
still craved her not knowing why. The time had come to take drastic
measures, but before I zeroed in on the prey, Alexandra joined the party
making my skin crawl.
“There you all are. I have been looking everywhere.” She brought her
lips so close to my ear she ended up breathing down my neck. “Good
evening,” she murmured.
Creeped out had to be a spot-on definition of my facial expression. I
refused to acknowledge her presence when she took a seat and hung her bag
over the back of her chair, focusing on me. I didn’t have to see her face to
know she watched me with what she considered being cute eyes, but what
made her resemble a drugged up Chucky doll.
“There you go, cutie.” Ethan placed a Corona on the table.
Good boy.
He sat down on her left and Nadia smiled with appreciation, reaching for
the beer. Her smile slipped when I snatched the bottle first. I brought it to
my lips and took a large swig to prove a point.
“Got something you would like to say?”
The death glare on her pretty face was fucking adorable.
“There are many things I would like to say right now.” She extended her
arm. “My beer, please.”
“Don’t mix. Please.”
Determination lasted three seconds. She got up, smoothed the white skirt,
and took Amelia and Jane to the dancefloor, making me realise I couldn’t
watch her from where I sat. Two shots in hands, I moved to an empty seat
beside Scorpio.
“You all right?” he asked in a hushed voice, motioning to my clenched
fist under the table caused by seeing the Jerk turn in his chair to watch
Nadia. “What is it?”
 “Nothing. I’m good.”
“You can’t lie for shit, mate,” Scorpio scoffed. “Why her? And don’t
pretend you don’t know who I’m talking about. You haven’t taken your
eyes off her all evening.”
I should have expected he would be the one to notice and figure out the
reason behind my weird behaviour. He knew me well. He knew me before
Nick did, and way before my life turned into a pile of regrets and a guilty
conscience.
I shook my head to show I had no fucking idea why of all people it had to
be her.
“Whatever the reason, you better get a grip and forget about it.” He
motioned to Nick. “He would have your balls in a blender.”
I smirked. He had a point. Nick was capable of crazy shit. I partied with
him enough times after he had a row with Mel to know. Whenever the two
of them argued, Nick called Scorpio, Ethan, and me and we hit the clubs so
he could get wasted. The problem was that once he was past a certain level
of alcohol in his blood, Nick was out of control. He even got locked up a
few times, and I had to lie to Mel and pick up his sorry ass from the police
station in the morning.
Yeah, that blender thing would happen if I touched Nadia, and since I
planned on it, it seemed like a good idea to wave bye-bye to my balls. I
would miss them one day, but the brain in my pants didn’t care.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 4
NADIA

The right push

Sean Paul’s get busy reverberated through the place when Jane, Amelia
and I found a square meter of space on the dance floor. Jane had the moves
of a stripper—sexy, and a little too out there, but she kept safe, pushing
guys away whenever they got too close. She glanced at the table every so
often, where Scorpio kept an eye on her.
Amelia’s moves were less provoking, not attracting as much attention,
but it didn’t stop my brother from making sure she was okay. Their
protectiveness reminded me of the times I used to go out with Adrian. He
was just like them, but more.

I sat on Adrian’s laps, snuggled to his chest, with my legs sprawled on

the couch and a bottle of Corona in hand, watching the partygoers while he
talked to his best friend Ty.
The music was loud, the frat guys played beer pong, and ultraviolet lights
danced across the crowded room. People danced wherever they could, and
my friend, Jasmine, was waving me over for the past ten minutes to come
and join her and three of her friends.

It had been four weeks since Adrian and I started dating, and this was
the first party we came to together. Adrian was known around campus.
Anyone who was anyone heard rumours about the up-and-coming boxer.
He pressed a kiss to the nape of my neck, and despite the loud music, I
heard him inhale. “Go,” he said, tucking my hair away. “Have fun,
puppet.”
I shook my head, eyeing the crowd of drunk guys hitting on anything that
moved. “I’ll pass. They aren’t dancing. Guys just want to get laid, and girls
try not to get groped.”
Ty chuckled, and we both looked at him.
 “No one will try to grope you, Nadia. They know that if they cross you,
they cross Adrian, and no one here will risk a one-on-one with him.”
Adrian smirked, nodding. “Go. I’ll keep an eye on you, puppet.”
Jasmine waved at me again, and I downed the rest of the beer, and got
up. Adrian caught my hand, his eyebrow raised.
“You haven’t kissed me.”
A wave of heat spilled inside me, my heart swelling. I loved that about
Adrian—he had no trouble showcasing his feelings. Most guys avoided
public displays of affection, but he was different—confident and
affectionate.
“Kiss me,” he urged, pulling on my hand.
I bent down pressing my lips to his, endorphins flooding my system.

Reality slapped me across the face when someone’s arms wrapped

around me from behind. Panic kicked in first, leaving no room for rational
thinking. I jumped away and spun around, my body rigid, heart thumping.
A blond guy stood there; a beer in hand. He frowned when I shook my
head.
He emptied half of the bottle, looked me up and down again, and smiled,
taking a step forward and risking another rejection.
“No,” I exclaimed. “Find a different girl.”
Either he thought I was joking, or the amount of alcohol in his body
tampered with his ability to comprehend what I said because he caught my
hand again. I snatched it away and turned to leave, all the while trying to
calm down and not let my past ruin the present.
The psychiatrist back in New York encouraged me to take opportunities
and face my fears. Ignoring my heart, which was on its way to my throat, I
stomped my foot and turned around.
My muscles turned to stone when he smiled. Not waiting for another
change of mind on my part, he caught my waist, pulling me closer. A strong
scent of booze fanned my face, mixing with cologne and cigarette smoke. I
spun around, pressing my back to his chest, thinking It would be easier if I
didn’t see his face. He draped one hand across my collarbones and hid his
face in my hair.
Don’t panic. Don’t panic. It’s just a dance.
Not enough time had passed yet, and I hadn’t learnt to deal with and
control my fear, but I was determined not to let my mind trap me.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t fool my instincts. When his hands slipped lower,
to my stomach, and kept travelling south, I jumped away again, feeling
nauseous.
“Oops, sorry,” he chuckled.
It looked like he wasn’t sure what happened. He had a strong Scottish
accent and smelled as if it was St. Patrick’s Day. He caught my wrist not
giving me enough time to decide whether to stay or run.
Run.
“Let me go!”
“Oh, come on,” he chuckled, swaying to the rhythm. “Let’s dance.”
Just when I freed myself from his grip, a clenched fist shot past my head,
landing on the Scotsman’s face. He barely stood as it was, and all it took
was one punch to bring him to his knees. Blood gushed from his nose
turning his white T-shirt crimson.
I spun around to see the owner of the fist.
Thomas stood much closer than I expected to find him. And he was
raging. His cinnamon eyes watched the drunk Scotsman with what could
only be described as pure hatred. His jaw worked while he gritted his teeth,
looking ready to move in with another blast.
Then he looked at me, and hatred turned to worry.
“You okay?”
What surprised me was that he didn’t try to touch me. He kept at a
distance, waiting for my move. The kiss he pressed to my hand at the
parking lot flashed before my eyes first, and the scene of us sitting so close
to each other in Nick’s back garden followed.
We spent most of the evening sitting shoulder to shoulder, and he kept his
hand on the back of my chair the whole time, but not once have I had the
urge to move away despite not being comfortable when my own brother
was near me.
I took a wary step forward and placed my trembling hand on Thomas’s
chest, curious if I would want to move away or not. He struck me as a guy
who lost control often and took pride in smashing someone’s face every
now and then. He glanced at my hand resting on his torso, and his muscles
relaxed under my touch.
Fear left my mind faster than it did after the pills.
“Thank you,” I whispered knowing he couldn’t hear me, but he seemed
to have read my lips.
 His cheek brushed against mine when he leaned forward, bringing his
mouth close to my ear. “The pleasure is mine, baby doll.”
A blush heated my face. I held his gaze when he inched away.
“Dance with me,” I blurted out.
There was something about him that put my mind at ease. I wanted to
have him closer and feel the fear evaporate, even though I didn't understand
why my subconscious didn’t mind his closeness.
J. Balvin and Safari started playing and my hips swayed to the rhythm
while I waited for Thomas to make his mind up. Dancing used to be my
favourite thing to do. Problems lost their meaning for a few minutes when I
danced. And tonight, I wanted to be free again.
Seconds passed with a silent Thomas watching me. I expected him to
shoot me down, but he straightened up and caught my hand, lacing our
fingers as if he had done it a thousand times before. And still—no trace of
fear in my head. We pressed through the crowd of sweaty bodies to stop a
few feet away from the DJ station, out of our friends’ view.
Music alone was enough to push away the grim memories that returned
thanks to the Scotsman, but it didn’t work as well as Thomas did. The
moment he drew me in, pressing his forehead to mine was the moment my
past faded, leaving nothing but a blur.
“Don’t run,” he said. “I won’t do anything you won’t let me.”
I nodded, having no intention of running. Passing on the opportunity to
feel safe was impossible.
Thomas moved one hand to my hip, then pressed the other to my back
and drew me in as close as he could … as if he needed me as much as I
needed him in that moment. His impulsiveness, skills, and the touch of his
body against mine. Much time had passed since the last time I let anyone
touch me like that. I looked into his eyes, picked up his rhythm, and
travelled back to the times when I was just an ordinary girl.
The pace of the song changed, and Thomas turned me around, pressing
my back flush against his chest.
“Close your eyes,” he said in my ear, “and imagine we’re alone.”
Strong hands rested on my stomach when the bass reverberated through
my body. My eyes closed, and it changed a great deal in the way I
experienced the moment. The music was all I heard; Thomas’s body all I
felt, and the delicate fluttering of a single butterfly’s wings in my stomach
turned into the fluttering of a thousand insects.
 We moved in sync, dancing, being. My head rested on his shoulder, and
his hand travelled up to my throat. He caught me gently, pressing his long
fingers to my flesh, and holding the other hand across my stomach. He hung
his head low, hiding his face in the crook of my neck, breathing in a slow,
shaky breath.
Pleasant cramps started in my stomach, and my limbs relaxed.
That was all it took for me to lose myself in the music and in him. No
wonder he was such a player. I met him twelve hours earlier and already
had a hard time resisting his charm, although for much different reasons
than the herds of women he slept with.
Another Latin song played next, and we danced through that one and two
more before Thomas rested his hand on my lower back, steering me to our
table.
“Where were you?” Nick asked not waiting until we sat down.
“He offered to be my date for your wedding and said he could dance,” I
explained. “I don’t buy a pig in a poke. I had to check if he can, in fact,
dance.”
Thomas scoffed, but his dark eyes said something other than amusement.
He outstretched his hand over the back of my chair, making himself
comfortable.
“Satisfied?” he asked.
“You’ll do.”
A smirk was his only answer.
“Who was that guy you KO-ed before?” Scorpio motioned to the crowd.
Thomas shrugged. “No idea.”
“Okay, so what did he do?”
“He didn’t understand when Nadia said no. Looked like he needed the
right push.”
“Or punch,” I corrected, and turned to Thomas, who tried to get my
attention by brushing his fingertips against my shoulder.
“You’re tougher than you look, I’ll give you that,” he said, pointing to
my wrist with a smile. “Next time … shoot the asshole.”
Nick and Mel hit the dancefloor, and as if encouraged, Ethan rose to his
feet, holding his hand out to me. “Come on, cutie. Let’s dance.”
Having known him for five years I knew he was harmless, but dancing
required the kind of closeness I had trouble handling. Still, after dancing
with Thomas, refusing Ethan would raise questions, trigger unwanted
suspiciousness, and give Thomas the wrong idea.
“Oh … Erm, yes, sure,” I stuttered, getting up.
He led me through the crowd to find us a bit of space. For three full
songs he breathed down my neck, touched my back, held my hand and kept
me glued to his body.
I inhaled in and out and tried not to let my face show that I hated every
second; that I hated myself for not dealing with my issues better.
And most of all I hated Adrian for messing me up so badly.
“Let’s go back; I need a glass of lemonade,” I told him once the third
song finished.
“Yeah, me too. It’s been a while since I last danced. I should hit the gym
more often to stay in shape,” he chuckled in my hair. “Sit down, I’ll get you
a lemonade.”
Thomas wasn’t by the table, so instead of taking a seat, I grabbed my
purse and headed in the direction of the beer garden, thinking I would find
him there, enjoying a cigarette.
Clouds of smoke appeared everywhere for a few brief moments, then
dissolved into nothing in the evening air. Tall tables stood scattered around
with barstools surrounding them, but all seats were taken, and not much
space was left in between.
“Did no one tell you that Thomas is taken?” I heard behind me and spun
around to find Alex standing at a distance, arms crossed.
“Taken?” I lit up a cigarette, inhaling a mouthful of smoke. “You mean
he’s dating someone?”
“Yes, me. I would appreciate it if you stopped flirting with him.”
Either she was out of her mind or I was missing something important
from that picture. When was I flirting with him, exactly?
“You’re getting ahead of yourself. I’m not flirting with Thomas, and
excuse my ignorance, but how does your relationship work?”
“That’s none of your business. What we have is special, Nadia. I like
you, but if you mess this up for me, you will regret it. Just stay away from
him, okay? It’s all I ask.”
Special? She was freaking special. A psychiatrist’s-dissertation-topic
kind of special.
“Sorry, sweetie, but it’s not like I can just stop seeing the guy. He’s
Nick’s business partner and best friend if you haven’t noticed.”
 She giggled, waving her hand. “I didn’t mean that. Just don’t get too
close. Don’t dance with him, don’t sit next to him … Keep your distance,
and I’ll be happy.”
Did she not hear herself? I opened my mouth to argue again, because,
well, she was being stupid, but I changed my mind.
“Fine. The last thing I need is more drama.”
She sighed and curved her lips into a smile. “So how have you been?
How was New York?”
“I like it better here. And it’s good to see everyone again.”
Not you, you lunatic.
I finished my cigarette in record time and returned inside. One step in
and I bumped into a firm, broad chest that smelled familiar.
“Really?” I asked, looking up to the ceiling, cursing fate for being plain
rude. “Not funny.”
Thomas frowned and opened his mouth to say something, but Alex beat
him to it. All she said was my name, but the warning note was enough to
boil my blood.
You don’t need more problems.
I gritted my teeth and walked around Thomas to leave them be, but he
had different plans. He caught my hand forcing me to stop.
“Come back out with me. I need company.”
“I’ll go,” Alex offered.
“You don’t smoke,” he hissed, looking over his shoulder.
I tried to step away, but Thomas held me tight, watching me as if my face
could answer some of his unspoken questions.
“Let go of my hand,” I said, and as if it were a spell, he let go. “And
please don’t drag me into this. I don’t want to be a part of whatever the deal
is with you two.”
Before either of them could reply, I left them alone. Music rumbled
through the six-foot-tall speakers, and the vibrations of the bass shook my
bones. Ethan and Scorpio were by the bar ordering another few rounds of
tequila, and before they came back, Thomas and Alex joined the pack.
She was close to tears; he looked annoyed. All the more when he realised
I no longer occupied the seat next to him.
Amelia, having finished her Appletini two minutes earlier, had stepped
over her daily liquor allowance and could no longer articulate nor control
her limbs. Despite that, she still wanted to drink. Nicholas decided it was
best to take her home.
“Wait, I’m coming with you!” I grabbed my purse.
Nick shook his head and looked through Mel’s bag to retrieve a set of
keys, which he then handed to Thomas. “Get her home safely.”
“I don’t need a babysitter, Nick. I’m coming with you.”
He rolled his eyes, watching me as if I were a misbehaving child. “It’s
not even midnight yet. Stay and enjoy the night.” He kissed my forehead,
exchanged a few words with Thomas, and steered Mel out of the club,
leaving me with Jane and Scorpio, furious Alex, pushy Ethan and the
enigma that was Thomas.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 5
NADIA

Point well made

We all stood outside the club, waiting to get a taxi when Ethan planted a
soft kiss on my cheek. He caught me off guard as he didn’t even stand close
enough to make me uncomfortable. My eyes widened, and I took a step
back. He was drunk but did his utmost to pretend he wasn’t—not that it
worked.
“I’m going with them,” he motioned to Jane and Scorpio. “We live
around the corner from each other. I’ll see you next week, cutie.”
“Sure.” Or not.
It wasn’t supposed to be a date, just two friends catching up, and he
agreed but seemed to have forgotten. The stolen kiss was his mistake. I no
longer trusted him.
There was also Thomas. Because of the way he made me feel, I stopped
seeing anything else. Why look for a way to deal with the past if the
solution appeared on its own and seemed to want more than friendship?
“I’ll see you soon.” He moved in to kiss me again, but before his lips
touched my skin, Thomas jerked him back.
“They’re waiting for you,” he hissed.
“Huh?” Ethan straightened his back, looked over his shoulder and then
back to me. “Oh, right. I’ll call you, cutie.”
I nodded, watching him stumble over his feet towards the cab. It was
almost three in the morning. The cool evening breeze gave me goosebumps.
Thomas took his suit jacket off, and covered my back with it, holding a
cigarette in-between his lips.
“I didn’t peg you for a gentleman, Mr. Calix,” I teased.
It looked like Alex wasn’t wrong: I was flirting. As soon as the distance
between us reduced to less than a foot, everything else was a blur, and
Thomas was my focus point.
“I’m glad I surprise you.”
 He was full of surprises, and I was eager to find out what else he hid up
his sleeves. We sat on a bench, enjoying the clouds of smoke filling our
lungs and the comfortable silence. It had been a while since I sat so close to
someone and not felt threatened.
Thomas was like my beloved diazepam without which I wouldn’t survive
another day. There was nothing extraordinary about him apart from his
strong jawline and cinnamon eyes, but neither explained the influence he
had on me.
People were leaving the club in large, drunken groups. I glanced over my
shoulder, having heard someone shout and swear. A dozen guys were
outside, laughing, but they weren’t the reason why my breath hitched. The
Scotsman stood by the main door, swaying on his feet. He looked different
somehow … as if he had enraged Tyson. His left eye was swollen and
purple, and his cheekbone looked broken.
Thomas followed my gaze. “Looks like he’s having a rough night.”
“It wasn’t you?”
He shook his head, amused. “You saw what he looked like when I was
finished with him. He must have greeted another fist after mine.”
No doubt about it. The longer I looked at him, the more I realised one
blast couldn’t have done that much damage.
“I guess he didn’t learn and ended up picking on the wrong girl.”
“You were his worst choice, baby doll. I wouldn’t have left it at one
punch if you didn’t stop me.”
I looked away from the beaten-up Scotsman. “He only wanted to dance
with me, Thomas.”
The corners of his mouth twitched. “I like it when you do that. When you
say my name, the s is just a touch longer than when everyone else says it.”
“You know … you change subjects like a bee changes flowers.”
I readjusted his jacket, and tilted my head, resting it on my shoulder. His
scent alone was soothing my senses, locking me in a protective cocoon, and
I hoped to never change into a butterfly.
“You look tired. You want to go?”
“No, but I should.”
Thomas led me to a taxi parked nearby. He laced our fingers, sending a
shock wave through my system. It was only a small, innocent gesture, but
the touch of his skin worked miracles on my mental state.
 “Why did you trade places with Alex?” he asked once we took the back
seat, and the driver put the car in motion.
“I’m not allowed too close to you.”
“Says who?”
“Says your girlfriend.”
His face twisted with anger. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”
I struggled not to smile, pulling my lips into a thin line. “I know it. You
know it. But Alex doesn’t.”
“Why does it amuse you? It’s infuriating; annoying at best.”
“I just don’t get it. I mean, she’s obsessed with you, and not that she
doesn’t have the grounds for it because you are quite a something, but then
again, you ignore her any chance you get. I don’t understand how she can
possibly be missing that. I guess what I’m trying to say is that she was
always so down to earth, and now she’s this brainless twinkie, and you’re
just a guy so…”
“And breathe,” he cut in, smirking. “What does quite a something stand
for in your dictionary?”
“Was the compliment all you heard? Don’t pretend you can’t see the way
women undress you every time they look at you.”
“Do you?”
The rasping tone of his voice sped up my pulse. He watched me, awaiting
a response, and I couldn’t recall what the question was, too busy trying to
contain the sudden rush of desire.
I swallowed hard, bracing to make a fool of myself. “Do I … What?”
“Do you undress me every time you look at me?”
“No.”
Yes, but for different reasons than you think.
“So? Do all of your one-night-stands act so brainless?”
Thomas frowned. “Most of them.”
“I think you should choose the girls you sleep with more wisely.”
“I never slept with Alex!”
At least he no longer used that low, raspy tone on me that made my knees
weak.
“I figured that much. She’s not a blue-eyed, blonde model type.”
There was a short moment of silence, and then Thomas turned his body
my way, his eyes not leaving mine. “Blue-eyed, blonde model type my ass,”
he hissed, weighing every single word.
 My head spun, heart stopped, and all my senses apart from touch
switched off when his lips touched mine. I wanted to jump headfirst into the
moment, basking in the calmness.
And then a siren blared in my head when I realised what he was doing. I
pushed him away, my cheeks burning and blood boiling for two different
reasons.
“What the hell, Thomas? I get it; you’re trying to prove a point…”
He hushed me with another kiss.
This time, I backed away faster. “Stop! I get it. You’re not that shallow.
Blondes aren’t everything. Point well made.”
Thomas licked his lips, and brought one hand to my face, tracing its
contour. “Stop fighting,” he pleaded, his voice like velvet.
He leaned toward me again, slowly, as if giving me time to decide. There
were only two things I wanted—his lips, and the calmness that came as a
package deal with them. He erased all the wrongs of my past with his
presence alone.
He pressed his mouth to mine, teasing my bottom lip as if begging me to
let him in. And that was enough for the tall, armoured wall I had been
building around me the past months to fall. I gave in like a leaf to the wind,
parted my lips and allowed him to deepen the kiss. A quiet sigh escaped my
throat.
A double dose of diazepam had nothing on Thomas. He was the strongest
drug I ever tried. Nothing could compare. I didn’t understand why; I
couldn’t find a single explanation, and I no longer cared. Why would I? He
eradicated pain, and there was nothing more important.
His lips were soft, brutal, and demanding, and the way he was kissing
me, as if he had waited for that moment for a long time, brought my desire
to another level. I had no strength to stop, to reject him when the peace he
offered was so important. We weren’t supposed to be kissing. We weren’t
supposed to want each other, but we couldn’t care less.
The deepest, most intense lust is for the forbidden. Thomas was my
forbidden fruit just as much as I was his, and it escalated our craving for
each other to the point of fever. It was the simplest, most rudimental force
on earth: desire in the purest form, a maddening need to feel our bodies
pressed together.
I focused solely on him, lost in his touch and lips. I wanted him. I wanted
the irresistible serenity which came with his proximity and the strength that
followed.
Adrenaline rushed through my veins as he kept climbing my thigh,
pressing his fingers to my skin with every inch he discovered. I gasped for
air, breaking the kiss, and Thomas planted his mouth on my neck. A new
wave of desire through my body. I trembled, and his eyes darkened even
more at that.
“Tell me to stop,” he whispered, nibbling on my earlobe. His hands
slipped to my hips, and he lifted me up, then sat me on his lap and pressed
his forehead to mine. “Say it, baby doll.” Our eyes locked. “Tell me to
stop.”
If I could have said no, I would’ve, but I was selfish. The consequences
could prove fatal if Nick found out about this, and I knew a battle raged in
Thomas’s head because he knew I wasn’t his to take, but he wanted me too
much to stop on his own accord. Unfortunately, all I cared about were my
needs.
I shook my head, letting him know he couldn’t count on me to be the
voice of reason. If he wanted to stop, he had to say the words.
“I’ll burn in hell,” he whispered, then glanced into the rear-view mirror.
“Change of plans,” he told the driver. “101 Queen’s Lane. Fast.”
I grabbed a handful of his dark hair, pulled his head back and closed his
lips with mine. If anyone tortured me to find out how we got to his house, I
would die trying to remember. Everything was a blur of raspberry lips and
the firm grip of strong hands all over my body.
The car halted, and Thomas looked at the embarrassed driver in the rear-
view mirror.
“Come back in an hour,” he said, and I grazed my lips over his neck.
“And a half.” I bit his ear, and a low growl came from deep within his chest.
“Don’t bother,” he muttered squeezing my thighs. “We’ll call.”
We rushed out of the car, and Thomas picked me up again. My legs
wrapped around his hips, hands caressed his neck and back, and lips
worked their way across his jawline as he carried me through the hallway
and up the stairs. Before I gained a bit of perspective, Thomas had me
naked on the mattress of his queen-sized bed.
The passion and lust visible in his darkening eyes gave me a head rush.
He took his t-shirt off, watching me in awe, threw his pants on the floor,
and leaned over me, supporting his weight with one hand while the other
worshiped my skin.
 He took his time tasting every inch of my skin he could reach, slowing
down and building on the anticipation.
“Look at me,” he whispered, parting my legs.
And as soon as our eyes locked, he pressed forward hard and fast, as if
being inside me was all he wanted. I bit his shoulder and scratched his back,
my body tensing and struggling to take him in, to take in the pleasure. It
was too much. He was too much. How he made me feel was too much, and
how I never wanted him to stop making me feel normal again, was by far
the biggest too much in the equation. But it was perfect in all its
imperfection.
Thomas caught the right rhythm—rushed, and demanding, as if he was
thirsty for me. I brought my hand to his face, and he nested his cheek in my
palm.
“I never wanted anyone so much in my life,” he said in a hushed tone.
Holding a conversation while he thrusted in and out of me was
impossible.
“Shut up. Please.”
He smirked a split second before reviving my lips. With every move he
made, I got closer to the edge. His body seemed on fire against mine. I
struggled to keep quiet, or relatively quiet at least, and tried to take the
tension building inside me on his back, then the sheets, but it was useless.
“Don’t hold back, baby doll. I want to hear you,” he commanded—and
just like that I was coming.
The orgasm hit me like a tsunami, captivating my senses. Thomas rocked
against me harder, prolonging the pleasure. I couldn’t contain the moans
any longer. I squirmed shamelessly, losing my grip on reality.
As soon as my body stopped trembling, Thomas sat on the bed pulling
me with him. He rested against the headboard, and held me close, our
bodies almost melting together. I wrapped my arms around him not to miss
a second of it and pressed my lips to his forehead.
“We’re in so much trouble…” I whispered.
He tucked the loose strands of hair behind my ears, then grazed his
thumb across my swollen lips. “That’s why we’ll make the most of it.”
He eased me down on top of him, holding my gaze.
“Ooh…” was all I managed, and it was barely even audible because the
sensation knocked me off balance.
“Was that a good ooh?” he asked, lifting me a few inches.
 “Shut up,” I repeated, holding his gaze as he lowered me back down.
Another ooh left my mouth, a touch louder and more satisfied. That was
new. I hadn’t dominated before and I wasn’t sure what to do, or how to do
it, but Thomas guided me, adjusting the pace to his preference. Soon, I
didn’t need help, and the rhythm of his body was enough. I leaned in to kiss
him, and he bit my lip, causing the muscles in my stomach to tighten.
“Again,” he murmured, painfully gentle and lusciously demanding.
A mixture of plea and promise played in his voice, but my body took it as
an order.
I clung to him as another powerful orgasm introduced black spots in front
of my eyes. Thomas pushed me back until I laid flat on the mattress again.
He eased himself inside me, sealing my mouth with a kiss. It didn’t hold my
moans at bay. He thrusted in and out hard, prolonging the sensation once
more.
“You’ll ruin me,” he whispered, pushing in one last time before his body
tensed when an orgasm hit him.
I held him as close as my feeble limbs allowed, kissing his neck and jaw
until his grip on me loosened. My hands were shaking, my body felt fragile
and drained, but I was more fulfilled than ever.
Thomas moved away, rubbed his face, then rested on his elbow to get a
better look at me. “I never should have touched you.”
There was no regret in his voice. On the contrary, he looked content.
A dreamy smile spread across my face. “No, you shouldn’t have, but I’m
glad you did.”
“So am I, baby doll.”
“And don’t worry. Nick will never know.”
He remained silent for a moment, and then, without a word, he scrambled
out of bed, and locked himself in the bathroom.
I shut my eyes, re-living the intimate moments. It was a much different
experience to what Adrian had me used to. He was a romantic soul—
dimmed lights, candles, and music.
Thomas was like a hurricane--intense, eager, and passionate. He took me
as if I were his to take, as if he couldn’t get enough. It was different, new
and exciting, and I wanted more: more of him and more of his strength.
The air smelled of sex, betraying what the walls had witnessed. My knees
remained weak as did the rest of my body, but my breathing returned to
normal. Black, silk bedsheets covered the left side of my exhausted, fragile
body.
A small clock on the mirrored bedside table read twenty past four in the
morning. Apart from the blue electronic digits, moonlight sneaking in
through an open window was the only source of light in the room.
I ordered a taxi and got dressed. I considered waiting for Thomas to say
goodnight, but he was taking too long, and I was close to falling asleep. I
simply left.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 6
THOMAS

All over her

I wasn’t ready to lose my shit like that. Not now and not ever. When
Nadia was within my reach, my brain short-circuited. She was a magnetic
field jinxing my wiring, and even worse, knowing I was the only person
whose touch didn’t send her into an anxious frenzy. Her hands didn’t
tremble when I held her; her eyes didn’t show signs of fear when I kissed
her.
All I saw in her dark irises was perfect calmness. And it must have been
what drew me to her the most—the knowledge that she trusted me more
than anyone else, that she wasn’t afraid of me.
Instead of lying in bed with the only girl I wanted to just lie in bed with, I
remained locked in the bathroom, standing under a stream of ice-fucking-
cold water.
Nadia wreaked havoc in my currently missing brain. To say it confused
me would have been the understatement of the year, but since we were
sleeping together, I wasn’t as worried as I should have been.
Time was the answer. The more time we were to spend together, the
faster I would get used to the effect she had on me, and the sooner I would
riddle out her behaviour. I knew that apart from grief, there was something
else tormenting her. I was certain that her ex was the reason.
I had spent the last three years stripping my life of meaning. It was the
only way I could think of to fix the mistake fate had made. While I didn’t
plan to flush my resolutions down the drain, I discovered a new part of me
which wanted to see where this was going. After all, the blooming
obsession could simply be a temporary indisposition.
I draped a towel over my hips and returned to the bedroom, ready to
crash. The clock on the nightstand showed four fifty-five, and the sky
outside, painted by the sunrise, turned blood-orange.
For the first few minutes I laid in bed certain that Nadia was using the
master bathroom. The balcony doors were open, letting cool air into the
room. The ruffling of the curtains moved by the wind was the only sound in
the house.
For another minute I listened closer, trying to make out other sounds, but
all I heard was my breathing. I flicked the lights on and walked out to the
landing. The door to the master bathroom stood open, and the room was
empty. I checked every room upstairs, and then made my way downstairs.
She wasn’t there either.
She left. She used me and left.
How fucking rude?
I almost burst out laughing before realising it wasn’t funny. I was losing
my shit over that girl and she one-night-standed me.
Truth be told, I had it coming for a while.
Still, how fucking rude? And how fucking insane that it made me want
her even more?
If it weren’t for Nadia living under the same roof as Nick, I would have
gone after her. She had to know I wasn’t looking for one night, at least not
with her.
Was I being needy, or what?
Yes, yes, I was, but I was also too tired to sit around and wonder how to
go about this speed bump. It wasn’t like her disappearance changed
anything. I couldn’t blame her for walking after all she must have heard
from Amelia. The playboy tag she must have pinned to me was a perfect fit
until today.
One day. It took Nadia one day to own my ass.
Now I had to tell her this wasn’t the first and last night we would spend
together.

***
Due to Amelia’s severe hangover, I had to fill in for Nick at the office
on Saturday morning while he stayed at home to nurse his fiancée back to
health. He had a meeting scheduled with the manager of our brightest star—
Aaron James.
The guy was a golden goose. We signed him two months after setting up
the label, and ever since all his singles had topped the charts, and both of
his albums had won Grammy’s.
I dragged my ass out of bed and spent the morning and a better part of
the afternoon in the office. Gareth, Aaron’s manager, left the meeting pissed
off sometime around lunchtime. I refused ninety percent of his idiotic
requests. He was bound to call Nick and get him to reconsider, but that one
thing about our partnership worked well—if I said no, he backed me up and
vice versa.
Gareth was just unlucky that Nick had to stay home. If he would have
dealt with Nick first, he would have left the meeting in a much better mood.
Nick was softer than me, and he cared more than I did.
At four p.m. I made my way over to Nick’s house. I had a lame excuse
for my visit at the ready in case they asked. Admitting that I wanted to see
Nadia was equivalent to suicide, and it so wasn’t a good day to die.
Scorpio rang when I was halfway there.
“Morning sunshine, how’s your day going? Fancy a pint or ten later?”
“Morning? More like evening. I’m on my way to see Nick, but–”
“You mean Nadia. Fuck me, mate, you got it bad.”
“But I can drop by yours later.”
“Yeah. Do that. Jane’s at her mother’s and won’t be back until tomorrow.
I would tell you to drag Nick over, but you’ve got some Nadia talking to do,
mate, and it’s best if he doesn’t bloody hear it.”
Ditto.
The smell of Nadia’s perfumes targeted my nose as soon as I set foot
inside Nick’s house ten minutes later. My mind drifted back to last night.
Her soft gasps resonated in my head; the image of her body trembling
beneath me was etched into my brain. Feeling her come was hands down
the best minute of my life, and I wanted to experience it again. And again.
And then some.
Nadia and Nick sat by the table in the kitchen. They both looked at me
expecting to hear why I came.
I moved my eyes from gorgeous Nadia to her not so gorgeous brother.
“You forgot to give me that demo we talked about.”
Thank God for small favours.
Nick opened his laptop. “I have a few we could check. Got time?”
“Set it up.” I moved my attention to the true reason behind my visit.
Meeting her eyes got me right back in the hot seat. “You coming out for a
smoke, Nadia?”
She nodded, taking her cigarettes from the table. I watched her hips sway
when she walked outside, visualising my hands touching her the same way
they had fourteen hours earlier. Lust started in the pit of my stomach and
radiated in all directions like an electric impulse fashioned out of desire.
Once we were outside, I was all over her.
In my head, that is.
Nadia sat on the bench and closed her eyes, inhaling a mouthful of
smoke. “May I ask why you’re staring?”
“Why did you leave?”
She tried to stifle a laugh but didn’t do a good job of it. “Why? You
wanted to cuddle? I was exhausted.”
A satisfied smirk crossed my lips, but Nadia shot me down.
“Not thanks to you though, so lose the grin.”
“Next time–”
“There will be no next time.”
It took me a moment to understand what she said. I didn’t want to let the
meaning of her words in. I thought she was kidding, but the look on her
face was far from amusement.
What the actual fuck?
I hadn’t once considered that one night might’ve been all she wanted. It
seemed as probable as Nick giving me his blessing to fuck her.
How was it that the one girl from whom I wanted more than one night
was the one—and only—girl to want one night from me?
Talk about irony.
I clenched my fists staring into her eyes, begging her to take it back, but
she remained indifferent, and it didn’t look like she was screwing with me.
Well, she was, but … Oh, fuck it. You know what I mean.
She lowered her voice. “I won't be one of your regulars.”
“I don’t have regulars,” I barked. “So you just wanted one night?”
“I didn’t give it much thought last night. It was a spur of the moment. But
today I know that you and I are a bad idea, Thomas.” She dropped her gaze
to her hands. “I’m not cut for a purely sexual relationship. To be honest,
right now I’m not cut for any relationship. And I want to be friends with
you, but we both know that won’t happen if we add benefits to the
equation.”
There was more to that decision than she let on. She avoided my gaze
like every liar. If I had to guess, I would guess she didn’t want us to have
any relationship because she didn’t know why she felt at ease with me.
“I think you’re a decent guy despite all I heard. Last night was fun, it was
fulfilling, and it was enough.”
 “Fulfilling?” I grasped the last ray of hope. “I’m just getting started. You
don’t know the meaning of fulfilled. Not yet.”
She watched me for a moment, her eyes darkening with every passing
second. “Tempting, but I’ll pass.”
To stop myself from throwing a tantrum worthy of a spoilt brat, I
clenched my jaw so hard my teeth started to crack.
She didn’t want me, and I wanted her even more.
Go figure.
She was turning me into a psychopath with pussy-whipped tattooed
across my forehead. The battle was lost, but the war was raging, and it
wasn’t time to wave a white flag. It was time to retreat and regroup before
hitting again. It was time for a drink and for putting some distance between
us. Six miles to be precise.
I was ready to leave when I remembered the letter she wrote to her father
was in my jacket pocket.
“By the way,” I said, glad that my voice masked my unstable state. “You
left this in my car yesterday.”
Nadia glanced at the piece of paper, her complexion blenching. She
snatched it out of my hand, jumping to her feet.
“Did you read it?” her voice filled with panic.
I stared at her alarmed. She pressed a shaking hand to her forehead and
then moved it down to cover her mouth as if ready to throw up.
What the hell was happening?
She doubled over, and I remained glued to my seat, failing to
comprehend the madness. She took one step forward and seeing her sway
on her feet had me jumping forward to catch her. I wrapped my hands
around her middle to keep her from falling. Her heart was beating so fast I
felt her pulse everywhere. She fisted my jacket, resting her forehead on my
chest, breathing in through her mouth and out through her nose.
“Don’t tell Nick. You can’t tell Nick, Thomas. Please. I’ll do whatever
you want, just promise you won’t tell him.”
It took mere seconds for her to calm down in my arms and it confused me
that much more. Her fragile body stopped trembling, but I wasn’t about to
risk letting her go just yet.
“I haven’t read it.” I pressed a kiss to her head.
Her eyes gave nothing away. Not a single clue what those few pages
filled with her handwriting held. What secret was she so desperate to keep?
What made her so vulnerable?
“I swear. You said it, and you’re right—I have some decency.” Not much,
but whatever I had was hers. “Are you okay?”
She nodded, colour returning to her face. “I’m sorry.” She took another
cigarette out. “I should have known you hadn’t read it.”
“Because you trust me?”
“Because you wouldn’t look at me the way you do.”
Way to pique my curiosity. She took the Zippo out of my hand and held
the letter above the flame. We sat in silence, watching the orange flames
consume her secret. Soon, the black, burnt pieces flew away, leaving a
burning hole in my stomach—the need to know.
“Have you told anyone apart from your father?”
She frowned, unhappy I dared to ask a question.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
What a shame that was all I wanted to talk about. “It didn’t take long to
convince you I hadn’t read it.”
“Don’t.” Instead of the expected anger, sadness echoed in her voice. “I’m
grateful you respected my privacy, Thomas. Don’t stop now.”
She threw the cigarette butt into an ashtray and marched back inside. I
hung my head low, taking a long drag. I must have been a masochist
because the shit I witnessed did nothing to convince me she wasn’t worth
the hassle. Whatever her problems were, I wanted to help her forget.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 7
THOMAS

Full of shit
A remote hit my head.
“Time’s up, mate,” Scorpio chirped. “You’ve been eyeing the wall for
half an hour. Spill it. Who pissed in your Cheerios?”
I gulped the rest of the beer and opened one more. It looked like I would
be taking a taxi home.
“How bad will it look if I smash Ethan’s face?”
“Depends on whether you’ll use your fist or a baseball bat to do so.”
Scorpio chuckled. “But seriously, why do you want to smash his face? Is he
still all over your girl?”
That wasn’t the first time he called Nadia my girl, but this time the idea
of having a girl didn’t make me flinch.
“She doesn’t want me.”
Scorpio narrowed his eyes, touching his index finger to his upper lip.
“Right … So you think it’s Ethan’s fault. Am I close?”
“Quit goofing around,” I seethed, massaging my temples. “I’m serious.”
“Okay, okay. Chill.” He brought his hands up. “So? Why do you think
it’s Ethan’s fault?”
“Why else wouldn’t she want to sleep with me again? She one-night-
standed me. Can you fucking believe it?”
“Whoa!” He straightened up, frowning. “Hold your horses. You nailed
her?” He awaited confirmation and once he got it, his face turned red. “You
nailed Nadia? How stupid are you? You can have every girl you want but
you go after the one you … Wait a minute,” he paused, tapping on the beer
bottle he held.
“I swear, if you’ll drum Bohemian Rhapsody I’ll break your finger.”
“Did you say she doesn’t want you? Does that mean you bloody do?”
I threw my head back and closed my eyes. “I don’t know. There’s
something about her.”
 “Blimey! You want her? You want to be with her? Hold her hand, kiss
her head and all that crap?”
“I didn’t say I want to be with her, but one night doesn’t cut it.”
Who are you trying to fool?
“You never bag them twice, mate. Either she knows Kamasutra off by
heart, or you’re full of shit.”
Maybe I was full of shit. Maybe I considered introducing emotions to my
life. Hell, maybe I even wanted more than meaningless sex—and I wanted
to have it, whatever the fuck it was, with Nadia, despite her obvious issues.
When I had her close, I wanted it to last, and since it was a first, I had to
act. One more night was the bare minimum required to see if my newfound
capability to feel was there to stay.
“I’m not good for her, but I need another night or two, and I’ll be done.
I’ll move on. You know I’m right: I’ll get bored as always, it’ll just take
longer this time.”
Not what I thought, but Scorpio didn’t need to know that during the last
thirty-six hours I lost the plot.
He scoffed, leaning toward me hastily. “And that’s why I want you to
stay away from her. And I’m not fucking around, Thomas. This once you’re
right—you’re not good for her. For different reasons than you think, but still
not good. You’re messed up. Trust me here, I know you.”
That stung.
Somewhere deep I hoped he would object, tell me Nadia and I could
make it work, but hey! What are friends for?
“I know you better than you think,” he continued. “I know that even
though it’s been three and a half years, you’re still hung up on Adam’s
death, and you do everything to detach yourself from life.”
Adam was my best friend, my brother by choice. He had it all figured
out, a life planned with the woman he loved. We were three months away
from leaving the army when a letter from Claudia arrived with the
pregnancy news. It was the happiest moment of Adam’s life, and the
happiest I ever was because everything that affected Adam, affected me as
strongly.
An hour later, we drove out of the base, armoured. James was with us; we
were inseparable ever since the three of us set foot in the Army base
twenty-one months earlier. The field was a bloodbath when we got there.
James got hit in the head as soon as we jumped out of the truck. My knees
gave in, but Adam pulled me out from the open. If it weren’t for him, I
would be dead.
We ducked behind a wooden building and threw two grenades at the
enemy line. Adam got shot when he peeked around the corner. Two hours
after learning he was going to be a father, Adam was shot. Gunfire never
stopped while I held his head on my lap, trying to stop the bleeding from
the wound on his neck. He asked me to take care of Claudia and the baby,
to swear I wouldn’t let anything happen to them.
Tell her I love her. Tell her I’m sorry, Thomas, tell her she’s the best thing
that ever happened to me.
His words woke me up in the middle of the night for months. Guilt and
regret chewed on my brain. It should have been me to die out there. I had
nothing, no one to care about, and no one to go back to. Adam had a life; he
had Claudia and a baby on the way.
Three months later, I got out of the army and drove straight to Claudia’s
house still in my uniform. She was six months pregnant then and expecting
a girl. Despite only seeing me once before she clung to me and didn’t let go
for hours, crying and cursing fate. I couldn’t agree with her more.
Fate played a twisted game. It killed the wrong guy.
As time passed, she got her peace. She forgave fate for taking Adam too
soon. She forgave me although she never said she blamed me.
I never forgave myself. I didn’t deserve to live. I didn’t deserve to be
happy or have anything close to what Adam had with Claudia because it
wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair.
For three and a half years I was fine with my choices. I was happy to
spend my time with Claudia and Maya. It was my way of compensating for
Adam’s absence. I never regretted the way my life was supposed to go;
never questioned my decisions or why I was damned; never considered that
maybe I survived for a reason.
Scorpio put an empty bottle down, bringing me back to reality. “Tell me
I’m wrong, Thomas. Tell me you don’t think it should have been you to die
out there. You blame yourself every day because in your eyes Adam’s life
was more precious than yours.”
“It was.”
“Bullshit. Do you think Adam would approve of who you have become?
What happens if you reverse the situation? Would you want Adam to waste
himself like you do?”
 I hated the condescending tone of his voice. I hated the pity mixed with
anger and sympathy in his eyes. I hated it all because he was right. Adam
would be rolling in his grave if he knew the kind of life I led since he died.
He wouldn’t want this for me. He would kick my ass for not following my
gut, and then he would smash Ethan’s face so that he wouldn’t get in my
way.
Adam’s life was more precious than mine. His life was filled with people
he loved and cared about. My life comprised of quick fucks and work.
There was nothing to look forward to… until I kissed Nadia.
Maybe there was a reason I was still breathing. Maybe she was the
reason; the chance for redemption.
Maybe we were supposed to save each other.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 8
NADIA

Too little, too late

“I heard Ethan asked you out.” Amelia smiled from the other side of the
kitchen table on Monday morning. “I’m glad. He’s a good guy, Nadia. I
don’t think he took his eyes off you once all evening.
No, he didn’t, but considering what happened later, Ethan’s relentless
efforts to win me over were the last thing on my mind. I glanced at Mel
weighing my options. I wanted to tell her about Thomas, but I was afraid of
her reaction—and that she would tell Nick.
And he couldn’t find out.
Not for my sake. I could handle my brother, but I didn’t want him to hate
Thomas. A long time ago Amelia could keep a secret, and I hoped the ring
on her finger changed nothing.
“If I tell you something will you promise you won’t spill the news to
Nick?”
That piqued her curiosity, and she held out her pinky. “Promise.”
“I kind of slept with Thomas,” I blurted out without a warning.
Her blue eyes grew wide, and excitement took over, heating her cheeks.
“No way! Oh. My. God! How? Why? I mean, you’re a brunette!”
“You don’t say. I don’t know why or how. It just happened.”
Liar, liar.
I knew why and how, but there was no telling Mel without explaining
where my reluctance to being touched or the paralysing fear Thomas was
eradicating came from. My mind travelled back to the intimate moments we
shared, and the memories alone triggered a pleasant sensation in my chest.
“We were on our way back home, bantering about Alex, and he kissed
me. Before I knew it, we were in his bed.”
“I can’t believe you!” she squealed, then drew her eyebrows together
when a different thought pushed out the excitement. “I told you he’s a
playboy. He won’t date you, sweetie.”
 “I don’t want to date. All I wanted was him, Mel. You’ve no idea how
much I wanted him; and you’ve no idea how good he is.”
Or how he can control my emotions, erase anxiety, summon peace and
bring me back to life.
“Oh, okay. Good for you then, I guess. Although I still can’t believe it.
You’re the complete opposite to his type.”
“Looks like we both needed something different. I got what I wanted.
You could say he wrecked me for all my future boyfriends. No way anyone
could top that.”
Because there was no way I would find another guy who would act like
an antidote to my disease.
“He looks like he knows his stuff. While we’re on the subject—what did
Alex want on Friday? Did she have a jealous fit?”
“She thinks they’re a couple.” I chuckled, biting into an apple. “She told
me to stay away from him.”
“From who?” Nicholas appeared in the doorway, a briefcase in his hand.
“Who are you supposed to stay away from, sis?”
“Thomas,” Amelia said smiling when Nick kissed her forehead. “Alex
issued her with a restraining order.”
“I’m with her on that one.” He grabbed a bottle of water and snatched the
car keys from the counter. “I’m off to the office, but I’ll try to be back
early.”
He kissed Mel again, then pressed his lips to my head and left.
I didn’t have to ask why he thought It would be a good idea if I stayed
away from Thomas. He was an overprotective older brother, and I knew he
didn’t want Thomas to use me.
Too bad it was the other way around, and … too little, too late.

***
The meeting with the catering company hired to cater Nick’s and Mel’s
wedding lasted so long that Nick arrived in the middle of it despite coming
back home shortly after four in the afternoon.
He promised to come back early, but it didn’t look like he tried very hard,
not that I blamed him. If I could, I wouldn’t have shown up either.
Hannah, the agent, was fed up with the future bride, but she remained
professional, handing out endless menu options. Mel didn’t find one she
liked, and we had to make a new one from scratch to keep her from having
a meltdown. Before we moved on to choosing the dessert, I had forgotten
what we chose as appetisers. There were too many dishes to memorise,
especially since Mel changed her mind six hundred and twenty-three times
before she was satisfied.
“I’m not sure if ice cream is such a good idea. It’ll be warm, and the
desserts will melt,” she whined, her eyes glassy.
Nicholas outstretched his hand, and drew her closer, planting a firm kiss
on her temple. I wasn’t sure who he was trying to calm down. He looked
ready to explode, and he only arrived half an hour earlier.
My butt hurt since I hadn’t moved for four hours straight. Good thing
Hannah brought a lot of food to sample, otherwise I would starve.
“What about a traditional apple pie,” she offered.
I was sure she had suffocated the future bride in her thoughts at least a
dozen times during the meeting, and in my thoughts, I held Amelia down to
speed things up.
Overall, it took over five hours to get the menu together, and when I
thought the nightmare was over, Amelia called it the first draft, and said she
would sleep on it. If Nicholas was upset about not being included in the
wedding plans, he surely regretted ever offering to help.
As soon as Hannah left, Nick opened a bottle of whiskey and made
himself a drink whilst Amelia caught up on some drama series in the living
room. I joined my brother with a cup of coffee and a book.
“Can we talk?” he asked, breaking the comfortable silence.
I raised my eyes from a copy of And Then There Were None by Agatha
Christie. A part of me wanted to run, because his face betrayed the topic.
Instead, I put the book on the table, marking the page before closing it, and
focused my attention on Nick.
“Sure. What is it?”
He closed the laptop and sipped on his whiskey as if needing a moment
to gather his thoughts. “I want to know what happened between you and
Adrian.”
I tilted my head back, looking at the ceiling, once again hoping to find
strength in the sky-blue colour. “I won’t go into details, Nick, it didn’t end
pretty, and I couldn’t stay there any longer.”
“What do you mean by didn’t end pretty?”
His reaction to that one sentence was all the confirmation I needed, if I
had any doubts about whether to tell him the truth. There was no reason to
drop it on him just for the sake of truth telling. I accepted what happened
and wanted to move on.
“We had a fight and realised we weren’t good together anymore. Adrian
changed, Nick.”
“I just can’t get my head around it.” He squeezed the bridge of his nose
as if trying to get rid of a migraine. “You two were perfect together. He
loved you like crazy. What did he do?”
“It’s not important. I had my reasons. Can’t you just trust me?”
He sighed, defeated. “I trust you, but I worry. Promise that when you’re
ready to talk, you’ll come to me.”
It wasn’t about being ready or not, but explaining it to my brother was
pointless, so I just nodded.
“And one more thing … Thomas.”
“Don’t start,” I cut in. “Don’t warn me. Mel beat you to it on Friday. I
know, he’s a player.”
“You like him?”
Have I said it and not noticed?
“I do like him. He seems nice.”
Like didn’t paint the picture. I liked him, but Thomas himself didn’t
matter at that stage. It could have been anyone else. Anyone who would be
able to calm me down like he did would become someone without whom
getting up every day seemed even harder.
And that was why I refused his offer for one more night. Despite him
helping me, it was just a temporary fix like the pills I was addicted to. I
didn’t want Thomas to become another addiction.
“Nice?” Nick laughed. “That’s the least fitting word to describe Thomas.
He’s not nice. He’s cautious, tight-lipped and rude. He’s got a short fuse and
he can be vile.”
I crossed my hands, feeling somewhat defensive. Nick wasn’t being fair.
“And here I was thinking you two are best friends.”
Nicholas smirked, ignoring the sarcasm. “We are. Thomas is difficult, but
I like him a lot. He’s a great partner and a loyal friend.”
“So you’re telling me he’s a plague just to discourage me?”
He nodded, watching me. “I saw him on Friday, sis. He’s different around
you. I’m not sure if he’s protective of you because you’re my sister, or
possessive because he wants to sleep with you, so I’m warning you.”
 “Thank you. Duly noted, but you don’t have to worry about me, I did
okay for two years in New York, and you weren’t there.”
Another lie. I cried myself to sleep more times than I could count
wishing for Nick to come and help me.
Now he looked as if I slapped him, and shame washed over me.
“I’m sorry, that was rude, but you need to understand that I make my
own decisions, and I know what’s good for me.”
“You think Thomas is good for you?” A vein throbbed on his temple
threatening to burst.
“That’s not what I said. Thomas is a player, and I’m not looking to get
hurt. Don’t act like I’m still a little girl.”
“I’m trying.” He raised to his feet. “I’ll be upstairs in my office; I have a
few contracts to look through.” He walked around the table and leaned over
to kiss my head.
I returned to reading but didn’t manage half a page before Mel walked
into the kitchen. She no longer looked stressed, on the contrary, the
excitement was spilling out of her ears.
“We’ve got the bridesmaids dresses fitting tomorrow, but we should go
shopping afterward. I bet you need a dress for your date with Ethan.”
“It’s not a date.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she waved me away. “But it won’t hurt to have a new dress
just in case, right?”
“We’re going to play pool. I don’t plan to wear a dress.”
Truth be told, I wasn’t sure if I would go through with that date. Ethan
was nice, but he wanted more than I wanted to give.
“Oh, bite me,” Mel rolled her eyes. “We’re going shopping. I need to
relax, and you’ll buy a dress. Please, do it for me.”
Puss-in-boots cute-eyes coupled with the pleading tone of her voice … I
didn’t stand a chance.
“Great!” She clapped her hands, apparently seeing the white flag I was
waving. “If the dress won’t get used for your date with Ethan,” she
murmured, glancing around, “Thomas can rip it off you.”

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 9
THOMAS

Pity the fools

Time. I gave Nadia time to think about what happened between us on
Friday. I knew she would be thinking about it because I couldn’t stop. I
even dreamt of touching her. We were good together. Sex was unreal. She
must have noticed. Only a blind person wouldn’t.
I gave her Monday, Tuesday, and planned to keep my distance until
Friday, by which time she should miss me.
Too bad it was only Wednesday. My patience was wearing thin. I kind of
hoped she would give in sooner.
I sat with Nick in his office munching on a take-away lunch when
Amelia rang. He answered the phone and put it on speaker so he could
continue stuffing his face with chicken teriyaki.
“Hey, how about we go to the cinema later on?” She hit the horn. “You
moron! Watch where you’re going!”
“Yeah, sounds like a plan. What time?”
Mel’s outburst surprised neither of us. She was neither a good nor a
patient driver.
“We’ve got the bridesmaids fitting soon, and then I’m taking Nadia
shopping. We should be back home by six.”
“Shopping? If you want her to buy a dress for the wedding, there’s no
way you’ll be back by six.”
“No, it’s just date-dress shopping today. Shouldn’t take long.”
Nick stopped chewing. “Date-dress?”
“She’s going out with Ethan, remember?”
My stomach did a backflip. I assumed that Nadia agreeing to that date
was a ploy to make me jealous. My face fell. She didn’t want me, and no
amount of time could fix it.
I pushed the food away and marched out of Nick’s office, unable to sit
and listen to Mel brag about how she thought Nadia and Ethan would hit it
off. If I had a say in the matter, a brick wall would be the thing Ethan would
hit… with his head… pushed by my hand.
I ordered my brand new, tall, blue-eyed, blonde assistant Marie to see me
at five o’clock sharp. I had to get laid. Her eyes shone with excitement. She
knew the reason behind being summoned after hours.
Don’t get too excited sweetie, you won’t enjoy it.
Girls in the industry knew my game, and fifty percent of the blondes
falling at my feet were doing so because they knew. Some hoped they
would be the one to change me, make me settle down. Others hoped for a
record deal. Few were there just for the fun.
Nick barged into my office a few minutes later. He strolled across the
room and collapsed in the chair across from my desk focusing his gaze on
the panoramic window behind my back.
Over the course of our business partnership, we had developed a little
routine. Nick liked to get things off his chest, but he always waited for me
to ask the questions. I didn’t understand it, but I played along. Every time
he came in with that bothered look on his face, I closed my laptop, put the
paperwork aside and started the conversation.
It was always one of two things. Either Amelia or work, but this time I
knew it was about his precious little sister.
“Care to share?” I asked, a vein throbbing on my neck.
Nick squeezed the bridge of his nose and exhaled loudly showing off his
exasperation. “She’s going out with him.”
You don’t fucking say.
What the hell did The Jerk have that I didn’t? Could I buy it? Because I
would buy it. I would buy ten of it.
“I don’t want her to go out with him!” Nick whined, throwing his hands
in the air. “She should work things out with Adrian.”
She should work things out with me.
Adrian was history, a memory, but Nick needed time to process and
accept the facts. That, however, wasn’t my problem. My problem was The
Jerk, or the fact Nadia was seeing him after she slept with me.
Friday night was perfect! Why didn’t she want to repeat it? There were
only two reasons. One—Nadia liked that dipshit. There was no hope for me
there, so I scratched that idea and grasped onto the more hopeful reason
number two—she still thought of me as a playboy. And since playboys are
always assholes, she had me all figured out. The trouble was that I wasn’t
my usual self around her.
I wanted sex but not just sex. Nadia appealed to me in many ways, and I
wanted to see what we could make of it.
“Why is she going out with him?”
Nick rolled his eyes. “He asked her.”
Like brother like sister.
“No shit. I’m asking why. Does she like him? Did she say anything?”
“If you want to tell me to leave her be, then spare me. Ethan’s not the guy
for her. Adrian is. Ethan’s too weak; he wouldn’t know how to take care of
her.” He rested his head on the back of the chair, eyeing the ceiling. “I used
to know everything about her. I didn’t have to ask what was going on, but
now she’s different. She’s been shutting me out since she came back.
Something’s wrong, but she won’t talk to me.”
I could relate. Nadia was hiding something. It bothered me too, but I had
no right to ask. Besides, if she didn’t let Nick in, I had no chance.
“I haven’t talked to Nadia about Ethan, and Mel’s being weird.”
“Weird how?”
Nick shrugged, pulling his lips into a thin line. “I don’t know. I told her I
don’t like it that Nadia and Ethan are going out, and she lectured me for ten
minutes on how I should be happy it’s Ethan and not, for example, you.” He
walked to the window, his shoulders sagging. “Why would she even
mention you?”
My question exactly. “Mel’s been trying to set them up since Nadia said
she’s no longer with Adrian. I guess she brought out the big guns to
convince you he’s good for your little sister.”
He so wasn’t. This once, Nick was one hundred percent right. Ethan was
a pussy, and Nadia … Nadia wasn’t a low maintenance kind of creature.
She was irritating and irrational … Fucking irresistible.
“Maybe.” He was looking out the window and although I couldn’t see his
face, the sound of his voice hinted that he wasn’t convinced. “But there
must be something there. Mel wouldn’t mention you out of the blue.” He
turned toward me. “Is there something I should know about?” A hot sweat
washed over me, and I shook my head. “She’s my sister, Thomas. She’s off-
limits to you.”
The speech. Well, a condensed version, but still. He should have thought
of it sooner.
 “I know. She’s not the type to nail and run.” I bit the inside of my cheek
to keep from smiling. “She’s the type to fall for.”
“Damn straight she is.”
A moment later he closed the door, leaving my office a little calmer.
Unlike me. I spent the afternoon working my ass off to stay distracted.
Nick stopped by to say goodbye a few minutes before five. He avoided
me all afternoon, sensing my pissed-off mood, and an even worse attitude.
He had no idea what my problem was, but knew from experience that when
I was banging doors and snapping at everyone, it was a good call to steer
clear.
Marie didn’t bother knocking two minutes after Nick left. She propped
her back against the door, her blue eyes roaming over my chest. She pulled
her dress up, showing off her long, ivory legs.
“You wanted to see me,” she muttered crossing her legs at the ankles
while tracing the curve of her hip with a pen, giving me permission to take
whatever the fuck I deemed fit.
I crossed the room not daring to slow down or—God forbid—stop to
think. I knew my mind well. It would change.
“It won’t take long.”
The smile on her lips told me she thought I was kidding. Nah-ah. Five
minutes were all I needed to spin her around, pull her dress up her back, do
my thing, and then fire her ass as soon as I readjusted my pants. But before
I grabbed her waist, she rocked on her heels pushing away from the wall,
and rested against me, pushing her tongue in my mouth.
Not how I planned this, but whatever. I could spare thirty seconds for a
warm-up.
Marie pressed her back flat against the wall, tugging on my shirt. I didn’t
like the way she caressed my arms, so I caught her wrists locking them in a
tight grip. She moaned, biting my lip. I didn’t like that, either. It was
different, and not at all a good different compared to the way Nadia nibbled
on my lips. The sounds Marie made were annoying the hell out of me too,
because they were nothing like Nadia’s sweet gasps.
Focus, Thomas! Marie spreading her legs.
Nadia’s smile. The sweet orchid and citrus smell of her perfume. Long,
dark-brown hair blown away from her face by the wind.
Marie spreading her legs.
 Nadia’s petite, delicate body. Her laughter. The way her hand fit into
mine with our fingers interlocked.
Marie spreading her legs.
Nadia’s full lips. Her taste. Her trembling beneath me. Brown eyes,
looking at me with nothing short of serenity.
“Get out,” I seethed, breaking away from the blonde bimbo.
I clenched my fists, chest heaving. Anger and frustration hung over me
like storm clouds, threatening to unleash.
Marie watched me, flustered, shocked and panting. She opened her
mouth to talk, but I only had enough self-restrain left to wait another
twenty-seven seconds before I would toss the first thing I could get my
hands on; I stopped her from wording a less-than-bright question.
“Get the fuck out of my office, or I’ll fire you before you say what.”
She stood frozen, as if expecting me to drop the act and get back to
making out, but as much as I wanted it to be an act, it wasn’t. Cold-blooded
fury consumed me whole, my mind like a ticking bomb.
Marie reconsidered, and then shot me a you’re fucking nuts kind of look
before retreating out of my office.
For fifteen seconds, I listened to the rhythmical clanking of her heels on
the marble floor as she hurried down the corridor. When I could no longer
hear anything other than my rapid heartbeat and the sound of my blood
boiling, I allowed the emotions to take over.
Trashing my office took three minutes.
I stood in the centre of the room looking at the mess. My desk was upside
down; documents littered the floor. A painting I had put my fist through no
longer hung on the wall, and the screen on my laptop was cracked in four
places. To top it off, I probably broke my hand smashing it against the wall.
Good job, Thomas. Way to stay cool.
I walked over to the window, my breathing erratic as if I had just run a
marathon. That was a close enough description of how I felt after
destroying my office.
Jesus, I was losing it. Losing it over a girl. A girl who wasn’t any prettier
than the herds of blondes willing to spread their legs at my sight. A girl who
wasn’t even my type. Her hair wasn’t blonde, her boobs were too small, and
she was short, to put it nicely. Yet, she was the most beautiful girl I ever
saw. Flawless, delicate, hypnotising.
 I rested my hands on the windowsill looking out to London’s city centre.
Thousands of people lived through their problems right before my eyes.
They looked like ants from where I stood, but each one of those ants had a
mind of its own, a life of its own, and a problem of its own. Whether it was
a love-related drama, work-related drama or some other kind of drama, they
all had issues that kept their minds occupied.
I used to pity the fools who dwelled on one thing. It was neither a healthy
nor a smart thing to do. I was done pitying since I had been the one to dwell
on a petite brunette for the past five ridiculously long days.
Like hell I’ll be the guy who loses his shit over some chick.
For the next ten minutes I coached myself to not lose it over Nadia ever
again. Just as her name entered my mind, her face flashed up, and those
huge brown eyes of hers stared at me, ripping my soul open. A face that
belonged to a girl who wasn’t mine and would never be mine. A face of a
girl able to bring out the best of me with one fucking touch.
A girl who didn’t want me.
My eyes fell shut as a wave of blinding frustration took over.
Yeah, excuse me while I lose my shit again.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 10
NADIA

Guilty as charged
I hoped never to get married. Watching Amelia panic every step of the
way scarred me for life. If that was what brides turned into while planning
their weddings, then I wanted nothing to do with it. She wasn’t far off from
turning grey, worrying about the tiniest details and weeping whenever
things didn’t go according to plan.
A meeting with the band closed the schedule of week one. Week one.
There were six more to go, and I wasn’t sure if I could handle Amelia’s
craziness that long.
After a few failures earlier in the week, i.e. the florist struggled to locate
the roses in a specific shade of pink Amelia chose; the bridesmaid dresses
required a lot of work, and the handmade invitations had the wrong
coloured bows attached, we hit a jackpot with the band. The lead singer was
more than accommodating, agreeing with everything Mel said before she
finished her sentence. He knew who the groom was, and he probably hoped
for a record deal if things went well.
Whatever the reason, I was grateful as it put her in a good mood, which
meant I didn’t have to listen to her whining while we shopped around for
furniture to put in my apartment.
The painters finished the night before, and I convinced Nick to help me
move my things there. He wasn’t too happy to let me go, especially since I
didn’t even have a bed, but after much convincing, he caved.
“Look at this!” Mel ran further into the furniture store, stopping in front
of a chair that hung from the ceiling on a silver chain. “Buy it! Imagine
reading a book in this!” She clapped once, but her smile slipped when I shot
her a sceptical look.
“Buzzkill,” she muttered, moving toward the dining room section. “You
need a table. And speaking of tables … housewarming party tomorrow?”
“No, the place is empty, I need to furnish it first, and even if we could
pull it off in twenty-four hours, tomorrow is Saturday, and Ethan is
supposed to take me out. We’ll have the party next weekend.”
“Buzzkill!” she twirled louder this time. “Again, while we’re on the
subject … What’s up with you and Thomas? You guys had a fight?”
She just had to remind me. All this time I was doing so well ignoring his
existence. It helped that he wasn’t around.
I pulled my eyebrows together. “How is that on the subject? And we
didn’t fight. Why?”
She shrugged, pretending to examine canary-yellow, plastic chairs. “He
hasn’t been around. Usually not a day goes by without him coming over.
He’s avoiding you, and I want to know why.”
“Ask him.”
I moved away, noting down the pick-up locations for the table and chairs.
Amelia followed, careful not to step on any toes, or push over kids that
were running among the shoppers.
“I’m asking you.”
“No, we didn’t fight.” I lowered my voice. “But I told him I won’t sleep
with him again.”
“He wanted to sleep with you again?!” she exclaimed, and heads turned
our way. “Sorry,” she added, her cheeks pink.
If looks could kill, she would have bled out on the cream sofa that stood
next to us. I moved along, glancing right and left, looking for something
that would catch my eye, while Amelia trailed behind me.
“How about this one?” She pointed to a dark green corner sofa, then took
my arm and steered me to the least crowded space. “Why didn’t you tell me
he wants you again?”
“I don’t know; I didn’t consider it headline news.”
“It is! He never sleeps with any girl twice, Nadia. Not only are you the
complete opposite of his type, but he also still wants you when he already
had you! He’s breaking all his rules.”
She acted as if Thomas grew a second head. Her excitement took me
aback. No longer than five days earlier she wanted me to stay away from
him, and now she looked ready to shut the door behind us.
“So? What are you going to do? I can tell you regret saying no. You’ve
been daydreaming all week.”
I crossed my hands glaring at a white wing chair. I must have looked
pathetic through her eyes since she had no idea that sex wasn’t what I
wanted from Thomas most. It was just a bonus. All she knew was that we
had sex, and I wanted more.
Yeah, pathetic.
“If you don’t mind that it’s just sex, why don’t you do it again? I mean, I
would rather see you in a relationship with a decent guy, but if Thomas’s
bad boy charm is what you want, then go for it.”
That was the problem, his bad boy charm was all I needed. I missed his
lips, his touch and how normal he made me feel.
The pills still worked the same, but comparing the calmness they
provided to the calmness I felt when I was with Thomas did, it was clear I
wasn’t taking enough diazepam. I couldn’t take more, either. Stopping the
meds was my goal, but it looked like instead I was ready to dive head-first
into a different addiction.
“You’re trying to heal a broken heart, so I’ll forgive you,” Mel said,
touching my arm.
“You’re wrong. This has nothing to do with Adrian.”
Liar, liar.
It did, but not in the way Amelia thought. I wasn’t trying to heal a broken
heart. I was trying to regain my peace, move forward and forget about the
past. And Thomas was making it so much easier.
Mel raised her eyebrow as if to say yeah, right. “So? Round two with Mr.
Calix, is it? What’s the worst that can happen?”
“Nick can find out. I can’t do it. I don’t want to dig myself into a deeper
hole. I’m already head deep, anyway."
“Ethan it is. I guess he’ll get friend-zoned tomorrow big time.”
I nodded, then moved along, noting down the pick-up location for the
white wing chair.

***

Ethan got friend-zoned before we left my apartment. He acted

understanding, but I knew he was as disappointed as he was annoyed. Still,
he agreed not to treat the evening like a date.
There was nothing wrong with him—intelligent, handsome, polite. Sugar,
spice and everything nice … But he lacked chemical X.
We spent the evening in his favourite bar, playing pool, drinking Coronas
and not really talking. It seemed that he lost all interest in me.
 I kicked his ass, winning eight out of the ten games we played. Pool was
my game. Nick and I had a table at home when we were growing up, and
we used to play every day. Whenever he won, Nick had me serve him food.
I made him stay up all night with me watching movies.
“I hope you had fun and that we can do it again sometime,” Ethan said,
stopping the car outside of my apartment past nine o’clock.
It sounded forced, and I couldn’t help the disappointment gnawing at me.
We were friends for a long time, and now it looked like he was nice because
he wanted to get in my pants.
“Sure,” I said, although we both knew it wouldn't happen. “I’m throwing
a housewarming party next Saturday, and you’re invited.”
He smiled, watching me for a moment with parted lips. I waited for
whatever was to come. An uncomfortable silence that settled around us,
then magnified ten times when Ethan’s gaze dropped to my lips. A cold
shiver ran down my spine. I found myself glued to the spot, too surprised to
form a coherent sentence. I guess he took it as consent, because he started
closing the distance. His warm breath fanned my face, and I jerked back,
forcing him to retreat.
“I’m sorry.” He dropped his gaze to the steering wheel. There was
nothing apologetic about that sorry. “You said no dates. I just… I like you,
cutie. I have been waiting for a chance with you for a long time.”
“That doesn’t mean you can ignore what I said earlier. I was honest with
you, Ethan. I’m not ready to date and considering how long we’ve known
each other I thought–”
“The problem is,” he cut in, “that I don’t want to be just your friend. I
never did, but there was always something or someone. Now we’re both on
the same page. You agreed to go out with me.”
I couldn’t believe him. Did he think he could force a date on me? Or
better yet, guilt me into kissing him? Good luck.
“We’re not on the same page. I’m sorry if I mislead you. Goodnight.”
Great. Just great. As if I weren’t dealing with enough shit, Ethan had to
add a little more to the pile. I watched him drive away, until he turned right
at the end of the street, disappearing out of view.
I took my phone out to tell Mel, as promised, how the evening went.
“Don’t tell me you’re done already,” she said. “What happened? Oh,
wait. Can I put you on speaker phone? Nick wants to know too.”
 Of course. Why wouldn’t he? Every sane, mentally stable brother wants
to know every detail about his sister’s life. Not.
“There’s nothing to tell, but sure, put me on speaker.”
At least like this he would hear it all from me and not get a twisted
version from Mel.
“Okay, fire away,” Mel said. “Why are you back home so early? Because
you are, aren’t you? He didn’t just leave you alone at the bar, right?”
I entered the building, the sound of my heels echoing in the empty
corridor. “No, he didn’t. And I’m home early because Ethan’s not happy
with me. He’s pissed off, but so am I. I guess we’re even.”
“What did he do?” Nick growled.
“Nothing that should upset me. He’s a guy who waited five years for
tonight.”
I entered the apartment and sighed, seeing the mess. Cardboard boxes,
bags filled with shopping and general mayhem. I was so not in the mood for
unpacking, but with zero plans for the rest of the evening, I left my bag in
the kitchen, ready to work.
“That doesn’t tell us much. Was he pushy? Did he offend you? What
happened, Nadia?” Mel sounded impatient, and I could imagine Nick
wasn’t any better.
“Did he offend me?” I chuckled, balancing on one leg to take my shoes
off in front of the mirror. “It’s not great to find out that a guy I have known
for so long acted nice just because he wanted to sleep with me, but I
wouldn’t say I’m offended. Annoyed? Yes. Maybe even upset, but only
because I got all dressed up and I’m back home already.”
“Should I be concerned? You don’t sound good,” Nick whined, getting
closer to the phone as he spoke. “Do you want me to come over?”
“No, I’m fine, but you’re welcome here tomorrow. I could use some help
to get this place in shape.”
If there was one thing Nick hated with a passion, then DIY stuff was it,
but Mel agreed to pop in sometime in the afternoon, and I knew she would
drag Nick along despite his protests.
I cut the call and changed my mind about unpacking. It could wait.
Instead, I plugged in a large Bluetooth speaker, then searched my playlists
for something that would lift my mood.
For the last few months music was ever present in my life, filling up the
silence or drowning out my screaming mind. Since singing took my mind
off problems, the speaker was the first thing I bought.
Take Shelter by Years and Years filled the silence twenty minutes later,
when I got the speaker to pair with my phone. Standing by the kitchen
island, I sang along and swayed to the music, lining the evening dose of
pills on the countertop starting from the smallest, only to pass time before
the chorus started so I could dance across the kitchen to the sink. But when
I swirled around, I froze.
Thomas rested in the doorway, arms crossed, and dark eyes looking
straight into mine. He took two steps, cupped my face, and pressed a hot,
demanding kiss to my lips, parting them avidly. I gave in just for a moment,
soaking up the positive emotions that arrived with him. He drew me in
closer as if all he needed to stay sane was me.
I knew the feeling, but what the hell?
Mustering enough strength to push him away proved difficult. I pressed
my hands to his chest, but the gesture lacked resolve, and Thomas nibbled
on my lower lip, as if to convince me not to move away.
I pushed harder, taking a step back. “What are you doing? And how did
you get in here?”
The temperature shot up by a few degrees. An explosive mixture of lust
and anger danced in his cinnamon irises. If it were anyone else, I would
have panicked, but fear was absent when Thomas was present.
“Kissing you. The door was open,” he hissed. “Did he touch you?”
Again, what?
If his looks weren’t proof enough of insanity, the tone of his voice
dispelled any doubts.
“Who?”
“Ethan!” he snapped, then fisted his hands and took a deep breath along
with a step back. “I asked if he touched you.”
My first reaction was to slap him, but I was a coward. Just because I slept
with him a few hours after we met didn’t mean it was my regular play, but
Thomas offered more than anyone else hence the rush.
“Don’t ask questions you know the answer to.”
He took a step forward, and I took a step back. One, two, and one more
before he backed me against the kitchen island, his eyes roaming over my
body as if looking for injuries.
“Don’t make this harder than it is,” he pleaded. “You sounded upset on
the phone.”
 “You were at Nick’s just now?”
He nodded. “You said Ethan wanted to sleep with you. I’ll ask again—
did he touch you?”
It seemed as if he was just waiting for a confirmation so he could hit
Ethan. He had no right to act possessive, but knowing he had my back put
me at ease.
“No, he didn’t. You’re smarter and more perceptive than any of our
friends, but now you’re acting clueless.”
“I know you wouldn’t want him to touch you, but some guys don’t wait
for permission.”
I rolled my eyes. “You should know.”
“Guilty as charged. The difference is I know you don’t mind me kissing
you. You don’t mind me touching you. You want it, baby doll.”
The pull was mutual. We both felt it equally strong.
“I told you I won’t sleep with you again.”
“I remember. But I don’t understand it. I know you want me. And since
I’m the only one you’re not afraid of–”
“Doesn’t it scare you?” I cut in, crossing my arms.
“That you trust me? That you’re not anxious when I’m close? It’s
intriguing, not scary.”
“It should be. See, you’re wrong,” I pressed my fingers to his chest,
forcing him to step back.
He did, because he knew better than to act against my will. I led him
outside, and took a seat on one of the two metal chairs, pulling my knees to
my chin.
“I don’t want you. I want the strength that comes when you’re with me. I
can’t explain it, but something about you erases my issues. Things that
happened a few weeks ago fade to the point where it seems like they
happened in a different lifetime.”
I chanced a glance his way. He stood by the wall, surrounded by a cloud
of smoke, looking up to the sky. He was silent, as if waiting for more words
to pour out of my mouth, but I already said too much. A simple no would
have sufficed, but the urge to let him in was strong.
“I can’t do this,” I continued. “I’m addicted to pills, but I don’t want to
be addicted to you. I don’t want to use you to get my life back on track
because I have to do it alone, or else I won’t ever move on.”
 It took another minute before he reacted. He threw the cigarette into an
ashtray, readjusted his jersey, and looked down at me. “Point well made,”
he cited my words, a defensive, arrogant expression on his face. “I’ll let
myself out.”
A sad, tearful chuckle was my answer as I watched him leave. A sad
chuckle that turned into pathetic whimpers when the door to my apartment
closed behind him. I climbed the stairs, curled into a ball on my bed and
cried myself to sleep, hoping and praying that I didn’t just make the biggest
mistake.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 11
THOMAS

Rebound case
Kill me. Kill me now. Or better yet, kill whoever the fuck decided to
call at eight o’clock in the morning, three hours after I crawled into bed…
drunk.
After I left Nadia’s apartment, I headed to the club to unwind. All I
needed was one drink to get over her—one drink to forget that she became
the centre of my world.
At least, that’s what I thought.
One Corona made it clear that I needed much more than one drink to take
the edge off the overwhelming disappointment. It wasn’t the best way to
cope with the situation, but I had no idea how to handle my emotions. I
never had to handle shit like that.
I sat by the bar for hours pouring Coronas down my throat while looking
for a girl to fuck, but every time a potential candidate arrived, Nadia’s face
flashed before my eyes, and my ass remained glued to the seat. Her words
replayed in my head flaring my anger.
“I can’t do this. I don’t want to use you.”
I wanted to scream, “Use me! Use me, goddamnit!”
Another sentence she spoke poisoned my thoughts.
“I don’t want you.”
I just sat there, downing one bottle after another until I felt sick. Ten pints
of beer will do that to a man. The upside was the drunken state—it numbed
the pain and masked the shame and regret that swept over me the second I
left her sad and alone.
It was a disturbing image—Nadia’s eyes filled with tears, all her secrets
and bruises on display. Why she chose to forgo sex was understandable, and
I had to give it to her—she was a tough girl. If I found a way to erase the
negative feelings which accompanied me since Adam’s death, I wouldn’t
have it in me to walk away.
 The biggest problem? I found it. Nadia was it. She was my way. My road
to redemption, but she chose to face her demons alone. Because of that, we
were both losing out.
Too drunk to stand straight, let alone drive, I called my personal taxi
driver—Scorpio. Clever guy that he was, he brought Jane, so she could
drive my car back home. Annoying prick that he was, he didn’t pass on the
opportunity to twist in the knife.

“You know what you feel right now?” he asked once I relayed what
Nadia told me word for word.
“I sure do. I’m pissed off and fucking confused.”
He shook his head. “You’re humiliated. For the first time in your life,
you’ve been rejected.”

Know-it-all.
Nadia made me want to change and do better. I had built my hopes based
on one night and an enormous ego. I finally got what I deserved for treating
women like blow-up dolls.
Karma’s a bitch: it always arrives at the least convenient moment.
I banged on the nightstand to locate and answer my blaring cell phone.
Eyes closed, I swiped my thumb across the screen and laid the phone on the
side of my face, then tucked my hand back under the duvet.
“I need a favour,” Nick said instead of a well-mannered “Good morning.”
I remained silent; my loud, pissed-off breathing was the only greeting he
deserved.
“Nadia called…”
I sat up and Nick’s voice faded when the phone slipped off my face. Yep,
I was wide-awake at the sound of her name. My heart pounded in my chest;
my head weighed a tone. The aroma of stale beer coming from, well—from
me, made me cringe. I picked the phone again and squinted to let my eyes
adjust to the bright sunlight that poured into the room through the balcony
doors.
“…and I would appreciate it if you would help her,” Nick finished
whatever he was saying.
“Help her with what?”
It didn’t matter; I would help her with anything, but I didn’t like not
knowing. Regardless of how much it stung to hear she didn’t want me, it
stung more to know she was upset. If I could make her life more bearable
by helping with whatever it was, then count me in.
Nick let out an exasperated puff. “Did you even listen to me? I asked if
you would help Nadia set up a dining table and chairs. It was delivered in
flat packs and she rang to ask for a screwdriver. She’ll poke her eye out
with it if left unattended, and you know I’m not an expert.”
“Runs in the family?” I dragged myself out of bed, still half-drunk.
“I guess. So? You got time or should I ask Ethan?”
If only he knew what a fucking motivator that sentence was.
“I’m up. Nothing better than DIY on a Sunday morning.”
Nick laughed, said “thanks” and cut the call. I hit the shower to wash off
the stench of alcohol, smoke, and sweat.
The guy in the mirror looked like shit—pale with dark circles under
bloodshot eyes. Cold water, toothpaste and three painkillers—damage
control at its finest helped erase the yesterday’s look, but my eyes gave
away that I drank too much.
Twenty minutes later, I left the house with a set of tools, and my soul on
my arm. I had never been so self-conscious in my life. I almost changed my
mind halfway to Nadia’s apartment but talked myself out of turning back.
She didn’t want me, but she was Nick’s sister and was there to stay. I had to
learn to live with the bitter aftertaste of rejection.
My own thoughts drove me fucking livid yet again. I met her a week ago.
One week and a multitude of emotions I never expected to feel pounded on
my mind and heart like a drum.
Nadia lived close by, but it took me twenty minutes to get through traffic.
London just wouldn’t be London without traffic.
The handsfree system activated, and a call from Claudia appeared on the
dashboard. My stomach did a back flip. A call this early was out of the
ordinary. My first thought was that something happened to her daughter—
Maya. A cold shiver ran down my spine, burning off the remnants of
alcohol from my bloodstream.
“What’s wrong?”
“Paranoid much?” she chirped. “We’re fine, babe. I’m calling with an
invitation. Brunch in a week on Sunday? I’ll cook.”
My eyebrows drew together, and an involuntary grimace twisted my face.
“Please don’t. We’ll order in. What’s the occasion?”
“I’ll cook,” she said firmly. “Hold on…”
 She didn’t finish the sentence before her voice was replaced by a
different, much cuter one.
“Thomas!” Maya exclaimed. “Are you coming? I have new puzzles!”
A wide smile stretched my mouth, and a familiar warmth filled my
insides like hot air fills a balloon.
“Good morning, sunshine, how are you today?”
Maya giggled. She always giggled and I loved it.
“I’m okay. When will you come?”
“I’ll come next week. We can go somewhere nice, and we’ll leave your
mummy to cook in peace.”
“Yes! Oh! Can we feed the ducks at Uncle Nick’s house?”
“Whatever you want.”
Maya was the only girl allowed to mess with my head and walk all over
me. There wasn’t much I would refuse her. Quite frankly, I couldn’t name a
single thing. If Claudia hadn’t protested, I would have bought her a freaking
pony for her birthday last year because she whispered, “I love you,
Thomas,” before she asked.
“I’ll see you on Sunday, sweetie; now put Mummy on the phone.”
I didn’t expect her to do that. Maya always hung up when she finished
talking. I redialled, and by the time Claudia picked up, after probably
having to chase Maya around the living room to get the phone back, I
parked outside of Nadia’s apartment.
“Sorry, I can’t get her to stop doing that,” Claudia sighed. “She’s been
bugging me to call you all week.”
“You should have. I’ll always find time for Maya. I’ll be over around
noon on Sunday to take her out, and don’t protest.”
For a reason I would never understand, Claudia thought I sacrificed too
much time for them. Granted—at first it was a matter of keeping a promise
given to Adam, but I soon grew fond of the girls, and couldn’t imagine not
seeing them
“That’s actually great. I’ll have time to cook something fancy. Maya hit
that age when she wants to help and by help, I mean cause chaos. I would
also like you to meet someone, so be nice, okay?” The tone of her voice
betrayed nerves.
Cue in another cold shudder.
“Someone? Who’s someone, Claudia?”
 “Someone I have been meaning to introduce you to for a while now. His
name is Richard, and he’s important so, again, be nice.”
“You’re dating this guy? Are you serious?”
Way to add to the ever-growing list of problems I had to deal with.
One shitty news at a time please.
“What about Adam? What about Maya? Does she know him? Does she
like him? Who the fuck is this guy?”
“Can we talk on Sunday?”
The disappointment in her voice hurt more than I anticipated.
Jesus, Thomas. Pussy much?
“This isn’t a conversation I want to have over the phone,” Claudia
continued. “We’ll talk on Sunday, okay?”
She was right. We had to be face to face if I was to change her mind. She
was Adam’s girl. Richard had no fucking right to touch her. He would have
to go through me first, and good fucking luck, mate.
“I’ll see you on Sunday. Make sure Maya’s ready.”
I stopped by a nearby coffee shop for a morning shot of caffeine. One
espresso on the spot, and two black coffees to go.
Claudia and Richard were pushed to the back of my mind, and Nadia
took the stage when I climbed the stairs to her apartment.
Excitement at the thought of spending time alone with her evaporated
and a sense of dread arrived. Somewhere in the deranged head of mine
there was hope that she changed her mind.
I entered her apartment without knocking—an involuntary habit. Strong
smell of turpentine hit my nose. Music blared from the large portable
speaker, that stood in the living room. I didn’t recognize the song, but the
calm rhythm, and half-whispered, half-sung words created an intimate, yet
sad atmosphere, making me regret that I barged in.
And I regretted it more when I entered the kitchen and found Nadia with
a glass of water in one hand, and a palm-full of pills in the other. Half a
dozen of orange prescription bottles littered the countertop—diazepam,
citalopram, paroxetine… and others with names too long to pronounce.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, pushing the meds aside.
Her hands and clothes were covered in different coloured paints. A speck
of black marked her cheek. She wore her hair in a messy bun and more
paint covered loose strands around her face. She swallowed the pills and
washed them down with water, avoiding my gaze.
 If it weren’t for the red, puffy eyes filled with sadness, I would have
considered her artistic attire the sexiest look she sported to date.
“You were crying,” I said, my shoulders sagging.
“You were drinking.” She took the coffee I pushed across the countertop
toward her. “I asked you a question.”
I cleared my throat, annoyed by the coarseness. “Nick called me. He said
you need help.”
She rolled her eyes, placing the half-empty glass of water by the sink,
and went about washing her hands.
“You could have told him you’re busy.”
She reached for a bottle of olive oil, poured it on a sponge and scrubbed
her delicate skin.
“I’m not busy.” I dropped the toolbox on the tiled floor. “But you sure
look like you had a busy morning.”
“I felt like painting,” she admitted, a little less anger in her voice. “Too
bad the convenience store down the road only stocks small sets of tiny tubes
of oil paints. They’re a bitch to wash off.”
“There’s an art supply store in the city centre.”
She nodded, scrubbing harder, turning her skin red. “I doubt it’s open at
midnight.”
“You went shopping after I left?” I took the sponge out of her hand,
unable to watch any longer. “You’ll peel your skin off in a minute.”
She examined her hands, scratched on the remaining paint marks, and
satisfied, washed them with soap.
“C’mon. Show me what needs doing.”
“Nothing. I told Nick I need a screwdriver not helping hands. I can
manage on my own.”
She rejected me—fine, well, not fine but I couldn’t do shit to change her
mind; but why was she adamant at keeping me at a distance when she
already said she wanted us to be friends? It made no fucking sense. Good
job I wasn’t a quitter.
“I’m not saying you can’t, but since I’m here, you might as well take
advantage of the helping hands.”
Considering the number of boxes, and the overall mayhem in the
apartment, she needed help. Of course, she was too proud to ask, as if
letting me help would somehow make her weaker.
 She pulled her lips into a thin line, then turned around and marched
straight into the living room. Most of the white wooden floor was covered
with flatpacks. A large, bottle-green corner sofa and a black coffee table in
front of it were the only ready-to-use furniture.
“No bookshelves? No TV unit?”
She motioned to more flatpacks stacked under the window. “It seems
nothing comes pre-assembled anymore.”
“You got more of that anywhere?”
“Yes, in every room.”
It looked like I wasn’t going anywhere for a good few hours. I took my
jacket off and rolled the sleeves of my jumper.
“We’ll need more coffee, baby doll.”
She frowned when I tore open the first two boxes. Instead of arguing like
I expected her to, or convincing me she would get it done herself, she
placed her hand on my arm, pulling me outside to the balcony.
“Watch your step.” She glanced over her shoulder. “It’s wet.”
I stopped in the doorway, taking in the enormous canvas that laid on the
balcony floor. It was at least six feet long and three feet wide. Four bottles
of water stood on the corners to stop it from flying away.
There was something hauntingly beautiful about the painting. Nadia kept
the colour palette dark with harsh strokes in the background, but the first
thing that caught my attention was a girl with long hair, dressed in white.
She arched back at the bottom of the canvas as if she were falling. Thin,
white strings were attached to her body, and two large hands painted at the
top held them in a tight grip.
“I had no idea you were so talented,” I admitted. “It’s amazing.”
“I’m pleased with it too. Although It would be better if I had a stretched
canvas. I’ll get it stretched tomorrow.”
I glanced at the painting again and shook my head. “Don’t. It looks
perfect like this. Where will you hang it?”
“Nowhere. It will go in Nick’s attic like the rest of them.”
I frowned. “Are you kidding? This should be displayed. How about the
wall behind the sofa?”
She studied the masterpiece, and a shadow crossed her face. “I don’t
want to see it every day.”
I wasn’t good at interpreting art. The pieces around my house were either
gifted to me, or I bought them because they fitted the décor. Looking at
Nadia’s painting, I saw what was on the canvas—a human puppet; a girl
controlled by someone’s hands; harsh lines, dark colours; a sad, creepy
vibe.
Now, thinking about what she told me, and what I figured out based on
her behaviour, I couldn’t shake the feeling, that the painting was a manifest
of what she felt.
“Is that you?” I asked, pointing to the girl in white.
Nadia nodded once, then inhaled the smoke and raised her eyes to meet
mine. “A puppet,” she whispered. “That’s what Adrian used to call me. See,
I thought long and hard about our conversation last night, and the truth is
that telling you I don’t want you was a lie. I do, but,” she motioned to the
canvas, “he still has a hold on me, and I doubt I’ll ever break free.”
“So, you want me, but you’re still saying no?”
She put the cigarette in the ashtray, then walked around me to get inside.
We took a seat in the living room, and Nadia tucked her feet under her bum.
“You’re like those pills I take, but stronger,” she muttered, her cheeks
pink. “And I want to stop taking them. When have you ever seen an
alcoholic recover after switching from beer to vodka?”
“That’s a lousy comparison. Whatever your problems are, I think you
would work past them faster if you would let me help.”
A sad smile crossed her lips. “What’s in it for you? I mean, I’m not that
good in bed. Why do you volunteer to be my rebound case?”
I rested my elbows on my knees, sipping the hot coffee, and scanning the
endless cardboard boxes. Nadia opened up to me to some extent, and she
deserved an explanation for my sudden change of character.
“We’re not so different, you and me. We’re both bruised and wanting to
leave the past behind. I would be using you too. I liked the guy you awoke
in me last week. He was decent, relaxed, and looked forward to the next
day. I want to be that guy.”
“You are a decent guy.” She touched my arm. “I told you I don’t want
you last night, yet you’re here now ready to help… Speaking of which—we
should get started.”

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 12
NADIA

Sex, what else?

Week two of wedding preparations proved more demanding than week
one. Each day brought us closer to Mel’s start date as the Marketing
Assistant at C&G Records and that meant she would no longer have the
time to check and re-check every detail.
Thank God. She obsessed over things no rational person would care
about, driving me insane. Every evening I collapsed in bed, hoping to get a
good night’s sleep, but the exhaustion didn’t keep Adrian away. I stayed
awake for hours, and when sleep decided to take me, I woke up soon after,
drenched in sweat.
Every rational part of me knew that casual sex with Thomas wouldn’t
help me move on, but the what ifs remained.
The night we had sex was the first night I slept well in months. My good
mood had lingered on for the rest of the weekend and that was enough for
the what ifs to keep my mind occupied all week. Wednesday was the least
demanding day in Mel’s schedule, and I used the free afternoon to visit
someone I wanted to see since I landed in London two weeks ago.
Two take-away coffees in hand, I walked through the tall, wooden door
into a modern foyer with reception desk situated in the centre. Not much
had changed here during the two years of my absence. The same
receptionist, Daphne, sat in the chair, staring at the computer screen from
above her glasses. The same ficus benjamina stood in the corner, but it had
grown a foot taller. The same pleasant smell of lavender scented candles
filled the air.
What had changed was the décor. A red carpet was replaced with dark
wooden floor, and an obscure magenta wallpaper gave way to grey paint.
“Nadia!” Daphne said, a small but sad smile on her lips. “How have you
been? I hoped to never see you here again.”
“Thanks,” I chuckled, but smiled too, knowing she meant it in a good
way. “I hoped to never come back, but here I am. Is he available? I know I
haven’t made an appointment, but…”
Daphne held out her hand to shush me. “Don’t worry about it. He’s got
most of the afternoon free today. I’m sure he won’t mind seeing you. Go on,
we’ll catch up when you’re done.”
Clutching my handbag filled with prescription medication, I knocked at
the door to my left, and entered after hearing “Come in.”
Not much had changed here either. James sat by his desk, a banana in one
hand, and a pen in the other. Light hair surrounded his overworked face
marked with first wrinkles. He glanced at me and stopped chewing.
“Hey,” I muttered raising the tray with take-away cups. “I brought your
favourite—half-caff, half-sweet, non-fat caramel macchiato,” I recited,
proud I remembered.
James swallowed, put the half-eaten banana away and watched me as if
he saw a ghost.
“Nadia, it’s good to see you. How are you? Come on, take a seat.”
I handed him the coffee and got comfortable on the sofa where I had
spent two hours a day, six days a week for six months. It was odd to be back
where I started: back to relying on a psychiatric help.
“When did you come back?” he asked, taking a sip of the steaming
macchiato. “God, I haven’t had one of these since you left.”
I pointed to my tall, extra shot, extra-hot, extra-whip, sugar-free vanilla
latte. “Neither have I.”
It was something we came up with during one of the many hours we
spent locked in here together. To relax the atmosphere, and to get me to
talk, James told me a story about a barista who worked in the nearby coffee
shop who always misspelled his name on the coffee cup. It drove James
mad. I suggested making the barista’s day a touch more difficult. We came
up with the most ridiculous orders just to annoy the guy, but it soon turned
out that the coffees tasted too good to pass on, and we made the obnoxious
drinks our daily routine.
“You’re not here to catch up, are you?”
James was never good at hiding emotions, and in a way, it lifted my
spirits to see sadness in his eyes because it meant that he cared.
Our relationship was never truly a professional one. Yes, I was the
patient, and yes, he was the doctor, but James proved to be a confidant. He
knew more about my issues than anyone.
 I shook my head no, took out the prescription bottles, and laid them on
the glass coffee table. Then, with a hint of hesitation, I pulled out a black
folder.
“I came back two weeks ago. I hoped a change of scenery would help,
but I’m not making much progress, and the longer I’m without him, the
stronger the need to go back.”
James took the first prescription bottle and read the label. “I assume this
is no longer about your father.” With each next bottle two wrinkles on his
forehead deepened. “Please don’t tell me you take all of this. It’s too much.”
“Sometimes, it’s not enough.”
He pushed three bottles my way. “Anxiety meds, anti-depressants,
sleeping pills. One of each is too much to take together. Why do you have
so many pills?”
“I kept asking for something stronger.”
He rubbed his face. “And you held on to the old meds just in case?
Nadia, you can’t take all of this together. I don’t even want to think about
what it did to your health. Do you want to tell me what happened? Why did
you need the meds? What changed?”
James had my full and undivided trust. He earned it during the months of
our sessions. It took three weeks before I spoke the first word, and three
more before I told him the story of my father’s death.
He was my only chance to move on this time.
“I can’t stomach going through it. It’s too much too soon.” I pushed the
folder across the table. “Some not-so-light bed-time reading. Those are the
notes from my psychiatrist in New York. His business card is in there too.
He said you can call him if you want to talk.”
James skimmed over the pages, probably looking for key words or
phrases to get an idea of my new problems. More sadness clouded his eyes,
filling me with more hope. It was nice to know I wasn’t just another day at
the office; another patient to bullshit with book clichés.
“I…” he stuttered. “I need time to read through this, but it looks like I
might not be the best person for the job. This requires a very specific
approach, Nadia.”
“What does that mean?” Anxiety made a re-appearance. There I was,
ready to take a step in the right direction, only to find the road was closed.
“You won’t take me back?”
 He put the folder aside and rested his elbows on the desk. “Of course, I
will if that’s what you want, but I want you to get the best help, and frankly,
I’m not it in this case. There’s a woman, Samantha Johnson; she specialises
in cases like yours, and she’s brilliant. I could call her and explain the
situation, fax her the documents…”
I shook my head, picking on my nails. “I don’t want anyone else. I trust
you; you know my history; you…”
“Hey,” he cut in, forcing me to meet his gaze. “You want me, and you’re
getting me. But please, think about letting her in. I could arrange for her to
join one of our sessions. She’s the best one out there, and I hate to see you
struggling again.”
What stopped me from telling the story to someone other than James was
shame. After all, despite what he did, I stood by Adrian knowing it was the
wrong thing to do. I protected him, covered for him, and weaved a security
blanket around him, fuelling his addiction instead of holding him
accountable for his actions.
The worst part? I didn’t regret it half as much as I regretted leaving. He
deserved more than what he got from me.
“You can talk to her about me if you need guidance, but I don’t want
anyone here other than you.”
I reached to grab the pills, but James stopped my hand, a pained look on
his face.
“I can’t let you have those back, Nadia. Not all of them.” He handed me a
bottle of antidepressants. “That’s all you’re getting until I see your lab
results.”
“But… I need the sleeping pills too.” The capacity of my lungs
decreased, and my hands trembled. “Please, I need them to sleep.”
“I wish I could, but without reading the notes and seeing the lab results, I
don’t know which of those you actually need.”
He pressed a few buttons on the keyboard, then waited for the printer to
spit out two sheets of paper.
“Get this done asap.” He handed me a blood work request slip.
“I’ll get it done today,” I assured him, my voice small.
“Come back on Monday at nine a.m. I’ll have the results back, and we’ll
get to work.”
Nine a.m. on Monday was eighty-nine hours away. Eighty-nine hours
without diazepam or fluoxetine. Eighty-nine hours of flashbacks and
sleepless nights.
James motioned to place his hand on my shoulder, then changed his
mind about touching me. He must have recalled what he read in my file.
“Stay occupied. It’ll take your mind off things while you’re off the
meds.”
Dark thoughts loomed close by as I waited for the last of fluoxetine to
leave my system. Good thing my apartment required a lot of TLC before
the party on Saturday. I had something to keep me occupied.
Two hours later and seven vials of blood lighter, I returned to my
apartment, feeling lost and out of place. The puppeteer painting, which
hung behind the sofa summoned Adrian who hijacked my thoughts.

“This is nice,” Adrian motioned to my outfit when I opened the door to

my dorm room, “but not appropriate for the occasion.”
I cocked an eyebrow. “I thought we were going to the cinema. You keep
quoting old Pacino movies.”
“I’m impressed. Well done, but we’re not going to the cinema. We’ve got
half an hour, so be good and change the sweater and jeans for a pretty but
modest dress.”
“If you want to take me to one of your fights…”
He grabbed my hand and spun me around, so I would face the room.
“Get changed and stop guessing.”
Fine. I was intrigued. I closed the door in his face and changed into a
tight, green dress with puffy sleeves. There was nothing bold about it except
that it was backless with a bow in between my shoulder blades.
When I opened the door again, Adrian rested against the wall on the
opposite side of the corridor. He sized me up, then twirled his finger, urging
me to do a one-eighty.
A small smile curved my lips. Adrian was refreshing—confident but
adorable. If it weren’t for his determination, we wouldn’t be going out. I
came to New York to study, not to date. Adrian was downright stubborn. He
pestered me for a date for a month. Dimples in his cheeks and almost black
eyes, which looked at me with delight regardless of what I was doing helped
him get a yes when he asked me out for the hundredth time.
He was talkative, loved to joke and always lifted my spirit, which needed
lifting every day.
I spun around listening to him exhale.
 “Better?” I asked.
“Better, and sexier, and… I love your back, Nadia. Really. If you can love
a body part, then I love the spot just below the nape of your neck.
“You’re mad.”
He bowed and offered me his arm. We walked outside, where a black
limousine took three parking spaces. I looked at Adrian in consternation
when the chauffeur opened the back door.
“Please don’t tell me you’re rich.”
He pressed his finger to his lips and touched the spot on my back he
already fell in love with.
“Patience isn’t my strength,” I muttered, looking through the tinted
windows. We drove through campus, heading toward the exit.
“I thought so.” He took my hand. “That’s why you won’t have to wait
long. We’re here.”
The limousine stopped, and I looked at Adrian with a frown. We were
parked outside the Performance Arts building. We drove no more than three
hundred yards.
The chauffeur opened the door, and Adrian helped me out.
“Thanks, man. We’re square,” he told the driver, and we watched as the
limousine drove away.
I had the impression that the two vertical lines on my forehead were
permanently etched into my expression.
“Curious?” Adrian murmured into my ear. “Come, it’s almost time.”
“Time for what?”
“For the show,” he replied, proud of himself.
He pulled me toward the door, then down a long corridor, deeper into the
building. We passed small groups of people. There were more children than
adults.
We came to a set of tall, double doors and Adrian handed two tickets to
the boy who stood there, then laced our fingers and led me inside the
theatre. Eighty percent of the seats were occupied by children, and I
frowned again. We walked down the narrow passage to the back of the
room.
I expected many things. Colourful houses, castles, maybe the hut of seven
dwarfs, or the scenery worthy of the ball where Cinderella lost her shoe. I
was all wrong. On the stage, there was a huge … stage. We were about to
watch a puppet show. I burst out laughing. I hadn’t laughed for months.
Adrian looked at me mesmerised. His dark eyes gleamed with joy, and I
knew that making me smile was his priority.
I glanced at our laced hands, then into his dark eyes and the gleam of
satisfaction in them. Following my heart, I leaned toward him. Pressing my
lips to his. Adrian didn’t hesitate. He took my face in his hands, and gently
pulled me closer, his lips eager, but calm.
“This is the best date I have ever been on,” I admitted, inching away.
“Yes, it is,” he replied, then stole one more kiss before pecking my nose.
“I love your smile.”
The lights dimmed, and a cheerful melody filled the air. I never saw a
puppet show before, but I was delighted. Adrian was more focused on me,
watching as I laughed until my cheeks hurt.
An hour later the lights came on again and the actors and organizers
came on stage. The kids got up, but Adrian didn’t let me join in on the
ovations. We slipped out of the room through the back exit, and right
outside the door, Adrian leaned against the wall and pulled me to him,
planting his lips on mine.
“It’s been a month, I kissed you three times, and we’ve been on one date.
How much too soon would it be if I said I’m in love with you?”
I was speechless for just a few seconds, during which I analysed the last
month filled with smiles. I didn’t think I would ever be able to smile again,
but thanks to him I was smiling daily.
“This guy crossed the line and he didn’t even blink,” I quoted Pacino
from Insomnia. “You don’t come back from that.”
Adrian chuckled, looking at the ceiling.
“You are impossible.” He kissed my forehead. “You’re mine. And I’m in
love like a teenager, puppet.”
“Puppet?”
A smug smile crossed his face. “You were so immersed in the
performance, yet you didn’t notice that one of the characters looked just like
you?”
“Which one? The princess?”
“No. The one who wore a green dress same as yours.”
“The witch?!” My arms flew to my sides. “I look like a witch?”
“You’re the most beautiful witch I have ever seen, puppet.”
 I adored that pet name because it mattered. It reminded me of that
evening and the fact that Adrian wanted me to smile. For a long time, he did
everything in his power to pick up my pieces whenever I fell apart.
And then he was the one who made me fall apart.
I moved over to the kitchen and took an ice cube out of the freezer. I
hoisted myself onto the breakfast bar, and just sat there, imagining a brick
wall and hoping the grounding techniques actually worked. The ice-cube
melted in my hand; water dripped to the floor.
It worked to some extent, clearing my head enough that I remembered to
stay occupied. A three-door wardrobe was delivered last night, along with a
bed frame. A cup of green tea in one hand, and a screwdriver Thomas left
behind in the other, I marched upstairs, determined to do as the doctor told
me—stay occupied and unpack my clothes before the day ends.
One hour later, all parts were out of the boxes. Using Thomas’s
technique, I lined them in the order I would be needing them. Too bad I
lacked ten inches in height to get things done. A chair was no help.
Surrounded by wardrobe parts, cardboard boxes, and foil packets of
small screws, I sat on the floor, thinking of a way around the problem. The
easiest thing would be to call Nick, or better yet—Thomas for help, but they
were at work. Asking Thomas had a few more perks than just helping
hands. His presence was a good substitute for diazepam, but I wasn’t
struggling enough to rid my inhibitions yet.
Then a brilliant idea popped into my head, and I got to work, putting the
wardrobe together horizontally. It worked great and only took me three
hours.
The last step—standing the wardrobe and pushing it against the wall
didn’t go according to plan. It was heavier than I expected, and I struggled
to lift it far enough to make it land on its legs. Thirty seconds of back and
forth, and the wardrobe won. The doors fell out, but the frame stayed in one
piece, and collapsed on top of me.
“Ouch.”
By that time, Nick and Thomas finished work. Massaging a sore spot on
my back I dialled the number.
“Hey sis, what can I do for you?”
“You can give me Thomas’s number.”
Nick cleared his throat, and the tone of his voice changed from cheerful
to reserved. “What do you want his number for?”
 “Sex, what else?” I snapped, sarcasm covering every word.
A low chuckle that wasn’t Nick’s sounded in the background.
“Let me guess,” I said, my cheeks burning. “You’re still at the office and
Thomas is there with you.”
“And he can hear you.” Nick clipped.
“Good. Hey, Thomas. My wardrobe was delivered last night. I assembled
it, but it’s too heavy and I can’t stand it on its legs. Could you please,
please, please come and help me?”
“You had me at sex, Nadia,” Thomas said. “I’m on my way.”
Nick growled, huffing and puffing into the receiver. “Not funny.”
“Your paranoia isn’t either. And Thomas? Bring tools. The doors snapped
off, and you might need to drill new holes for the hinges. I’m not touching
that thing again. It gave me a concussion.” I ended the call, not in a mood
for a lecture from my brother about manual handling.
Thomas arrived half an hour later. He walked in as if he owned the place,
not bothering to knock or even shout “Hello” from the door.
I expected to see him in full suit. Instead, he wore jeans and a white t-
shirt—far less intimidating than a three-piece designer suit and much sexier.
“I see you changed your mind.” He motioned to the painting behind the
sofa.
“Face your demons.”
“It’s a matter of perspective. What do you see when you look at it?”
“A girl who gave up. A broken, scarred mess.”
Thomas shook his head, taking a seat. “I don’t see you giving up, baby
doll.” He turned to the painting. “You know what I see? I see how strong
you are to fight despite everything that’s tormenting you.”
I considered his words, my heart swelling. How did he know what to say
and do to turn my world upside down? Until that moment, I saw myself as a
victim, but the truth was that I was a survivor.
Many would consider me weak for staying with Adrian, but it took
courage to fight for him the way I did despite the nightmare he put us
through.
“Thank you.” I smiled. “I didn’t think of it that way.”
He placed his palm on my thigh, digging his fingers into my flesh.
Calmness washed over me, and anxiety faded into the background.
“Change the negative into a positive. You’re not a mess. You’re lost. You
try to deal with your issues alone but keeping secrets doesn’t take the
weight off your shoulders. It adds.” He stood and walked out to the hallway.
“I hate to say this, but we have to get a move on. I need to be at your
brother’s house in an hour for a game of poker.”
I followed him, but before ascending the stairs, Thomas snatched my
phone from the kitchen island.
“Next time call me first. You don’t have to be self-sufficient.” He tapped
on the screen, saving his number in my phone. “I’m under A.”
I narrowed my eyes. “A for arrogant?”
“A for all you need.”
“I don’t need you.”
He smiled, ignoring my harsh tone. “Agree to disagree.”

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 13
THOMAS

Cross that bridge

Amelia and Nick argued when I arrived at Nadia’s on Saturday for the
housewarming party.
“What’s that about?” I asked, when she greeted me in the corridor.
Dark circles surrounded her eyes, and make-up didn’t hide them well.
She was pale, her skin almost ashen, with vulnerability in her brown eyes
and a sleep-deprived look.
“Bachelor party. Mel found out you’re planning a night in Amsterdam.
She’s not happy.”
I caught her hand when she turned around to join the party in the living
room.
“Are you okay?”
She held my gaze for a moment, squeezing my hand tighter, and shook
her head. “Bad dreams.”
The urge to hide her in my arms came out of nowhere. It must have been
the first time I wanted to hug a girl other than Maya or my mother. Nadia
took a step back before I could try to comfort her, turned on her heel, and
entered the living room. I hung my jacket on the old-fashioned coat hanger
by the door. Jerk’s jacket was there too, and my jaw tightened.
“There, make good use of it.” I gave Nadia a large, heavy box that
contained a housewarming gift.
She wrinkled her nose, and shook the box hard, amusement on her lips.
“You bought me tools? Does that mean you no longer want to be the first
point of contact when I need a screwdriver?”
I shook hands with the guys, and leaned to the girls, letting them kiss my
cheek.
“No, if you need tools you call me. Stop guessing and open it.”
The gift I picked wasn’t random. No, I thought long and hard about it and
bought her something meaningful, something that proved I paid attention to
her from the start—a set of art supplies.
 I never realised how much shit was needed to paint. The art shop was
half the size of a standard Ikea. Ceiling-high shelves were stacked with
endless art supplies. It was too much for me to comprehend.
For twenty minutes I gawked at a shelf filled with red paints. They all
looked identical to me, but since there were different names like burgundy,
crimson or flame, they all had to differ in shade somehow.
How many reds are there, exactly? Isn’t red like one fucking colour?
Apparently not. There were about fifty shades of red in the store. I
couldn’t name fifty colours, and they stocked fifty shades of one.
There were even more greens than reds, not to mention the blues. And
who the hell came up with these idiotic names, anyway? Parrot green?
Midnight blue?
What the fuck? Midnight is black, end of story.
After half an hour of getting paranoid, I called my mother for help. I
should have done it sooner. It would have saved me a lot of time.
Nadia took unnecessary care unwrapping the orange paper before she
placed the box on the floor. A smile that reached her eyes was all I hoped
for, and she gave it to me when she peeked inside and took out acrylic
paints, brushes, a few stretched canvases in different sizes, and an easel that
required assembling.
Still smiling, she wrapped her arms around my neck, pecking my cheek.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. There’s one more canvas in my car, but I’ll only give
it to you if you promise to paint something for me. Choose what you like,
but I want her,” I pointed to the girl in the painting on the wall, “to be in it.”
Nadia nodded, then left for the kitchen. I grabbed the easel, and took a
seat by the table, ready for more DIY.
Amelia zeroed in on me, her lips a thin line. “Strippers, booze and weed
in the sin city of Europe! Why the hell did you think it would be a good
idea to take my husband there for the night?”
At least she waited until I sat down before the hissing commenced.
“All the things you said.”
I wanted to organise a stag-do for years. Adam wasn’t engaged to
Claudia when I had his send-off planned in detail. For Nick, I planned
something even better when he asked me to be his best man.
The initial plan was to keep the location a secret, but Nick got on my
nerves with the nosy questions. I caved in and told him a few days back. He
was far too excited to let Mel boss him around.
He had a strategy of confronting her—an answer to every possible
question at the ready to please and convince her that it was a good idea.
What he overlooked was that honesty would come back to bite his ass.
Amelia wasn’t the kind to let him off easy. She looked at Nadia, who
placed a glass of vodka on the rocks in front of me and took a seat on my
left.
“Whatever the plan—bin it. We’re going to Barcelona.”
I smirked, impressed, and secured the easel with a couple of screws.
“No way in hell!” Nick yelled but it was too late.
Amelia watched him with that in-your-face kind of smile and the only
way she would let it go would be if Nick decided to ditch the Amsterdam
idea. We all knew it wouldn’t happen.
“Why don’t you work this out in bed?” I said, when Nick opened his
mouth to protest.
He downed his drink and changed the topic. “I almost forgot. We’re
throwing a party the Friday before the stag do. Aaron’s album had gone
platinum within a week. You’re all invited.”
“Aaron Young?” Nadia asked, and her eyebrows shot up when Nick
nodded. “You signed the guy, and I just find out? He’s amazing.”
“And so handsome,” Jane said, a dreamy look on her face.
The party kicked off with a sexual version of Truth or Dare. It became
my favourite party game within five minutes. First, Scorpio humiliated
himself by performing a striptease. Then Amelia confessed she always
wanted to kiss a girl and every guys’ fantasy came true when Jane kissed
her. Yep, that game was definitely my favourite.
I took a pink card from the pile for Nadia. “Truth or dare?”
“How many vetoes do we get this time?” she asked Amelia.
“One as always. Why?”
“No reason. Truth, please.”
I glanced at the card. “Favourite place to be kissed?”
She ghosted her fingers across my neck, starting below the ear, and
traveling south until she reached my collarbone.
“Here.”
I’ll remember that.
She reached for a blue card, and I answered before she asked.
“A truth, baby doll.”
 Everyone stared at me instead of Nadia. It took me two seconds to realise
the “baby doll” wasn’t inaudible.
Oops. My bad.
Nick’s face turned red. “Baby doll?”
“Petite, delicate, pretty.” I played dumb, ignoring his agitation.
He had to get used to it. I was nowhere near done pursuing his little
sister. The long-term plan was simple—make her mine. Planting the seeds
in Nick’s mind had to start right away. He needed a lot of time to wrap his
head around the idea of me and Nadia together.
He gritted his teeth, eyes drilling a hole in my face. “Yes, she is, but she’s
not one of your groupies.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
See? Baby-steps.
“How many women have you slept with?” Nadia read the question
jumping at the opportunity to stop our conversation from escalating.
Nick burst out laughing and Ethan followed.
“As if he remembers.”
“One,” I said, and they fell silent. “I slept with one. I fucked a lot.”
The moment my glass was empty, Nadia got to her feet to get me a refill.
Ethan watched her every move like a psycho rapist and, I opened my mouth
to tell him off. Scorpio kicked me under the table to stop me, then shot me a
message.

Keep your shit together!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Any less exclamation marks and I would have thought he was joking.
“That’s nasty!” The Jerk howled, eyeing Nadia who struggled to reach a
bottle of vodka from the top shelf in the living room. “How did you do
that?”
No cutie? Finally.
We turned to see what got him alarmed. A bruise the size of both of my
palms and the colour of plums on Nadia’s lower back flipped my stomach.
“What? The bruise? It’s nothing.” She pulled her blouse down. “A
wardrobe fell on me on Thursday.”
“The three-door, heavy as all hell wardrobe in your bedroom?” I asked,
taking the bottle down. “It’s a miracle your bones are intact.”
 We played for an hour before the first veto was casted. Nick picked out a
card for me, covering for Nadia. He tossed it back on the table, nostrils
flared, and jaw clenched.
Having used truth in the previous round, it was time for a dare, and
whatever the card said must have involved Nadia, or Nick wouldn’t have
been so pissed off. The card landed in front of Scorpio who leaned over to
see what the fuss was all about. Good thing Nick didn’t see the smirk on his
face or the wink he sent my way.
“Kiss all single girls in the room.” Nick fisted his palms. “I would rather
you didn’t.”
Scorpio patted his back. “It’s just a game, chill out, mate.”
I glanced over my shoulder, hearing Nadia approach, my system buzzing
in anticipation. I was going to win this girl over one kiss at a time. She
remained torn between wants and needs—wanting to heal on her own and
needing my help. Despite what she said, I hoped needs would win, even if it
meant she would be using me. I would volunteer to be her rebound any day.
Being close to her gave me a chance to turn our relationship into something
more.
She sat down beside me. “Veto.”
The word hit me like a low blow.
No explanation, not even a glance my way. She was so fucking confusing
she made my head spin.
Music played from the speaker, a background noise to the game. Two
more rounds, and we watched Ethan try his worst pick-up line on Jane and
heard all about Mel’s worst sex.
My arm rested across the back of Nadia’s chair the whole time, and I
ghosted my fingers over the nape of her neck, watching goose bumps
appear. God, I loved how she reacted to me. The faintest touch was enough
to make her squirm.
She turned to me; her vulnerability not as visible in her dark eyes. She
was calm because I was close, and pride inflated my chest.
“Break time?” she asked as if reading my mind.
We walked out to the balcony, Nick’s gaze seeing us out. He was right
not to trust me, but I was a bit hurt and pissed off that he considered me the
worst fit for his sister.
“So, a kiss is too much?” I rested against the wall. “It’s just a game. You
made it clear we’re not happening again, and as much as I hate it, I respect
your decision.”
“Just a game,” Nadia muttered, shaking her head. “Just a kiss, right? For
you, maybe, but not for me. I wish you would stop pushing, Thomas. We’re
not cut from the same cloth no matter what you say.”
She took a step closer but seemed oblivious that her whole body drifted
toward me. She fought a lost battle.
“I’m trying not to push, but I don’t get why you fight it so hard.”
“Because I refuse to be a selfish bitch, okay? I won’t use you.” A shadow
crossed her face, and she shook her head, dismissing the last two sentences.
“I’m afraid I won’t have it in me to let you go when the time comes,” she
uttered, staring into the distance.
I placed a finger under her chin, careful not to make any sudden moves
and scare her off. “We’ll cross that bridge if we get to it, baby.”
“If?” she mouthed. “What do you mean if?”
Her doe-like eyes darted to my lips. Fuck this girl. She was going to
break me ten different ways.
“You assume I’ll be the one to want out first. You’re afraid I’ll move on
before you recover. What if you’re the one to leave first? Stop overthinking
the future and focus on the present.”
Two lines marked her forehead, and God, I hoped I struck the right chord.
All she had to do was take the first step, and the rest would fall in place
with time.
Ethan barged outside, a smile taking half of his face slipped when he saw
us close. “What’s taking you so long? C’mon, cutie, I have a dare you’re a
part of.”
“I’ll be right there.” Nadia stepped away from me, inhaling a cloud of
smoke. “And now, I regret using my veto on you,” she added, when Ethan
closed the door.
So did I. Whatever the dare, it involved touching. Most likely kissing. So
far, all dares were intimate, and it was safe to assume Ethan’s wasn’t any
different. No way in hell could I sit back and watch the Jerk get anywhere
near her. All the possible scenarios played in my head, and not one ended
with Ethan’s face intact.
“You can use my veto. And you better do. For his sake.”
“You have no right to act possessive.” She turned to leave.
I caught her hand and laced our fingers, not thinking twice about it.
 “Maybe. Then again, I had no right to touch you and look where we are.
Don’t act surprised when I hit him.”
I almost wanted Ethan to make one false move so I could justify my right
hook breaking his nose.
Nadia snatched her hand out of my grip, and she marched back inside.
The atmosphere was thicker than when we left. Nicholas sat with arms
crossed, Mel sent warning glares in Nadia’s direction, and Scorpio watched
me, as if anticipating a shitstorm.
He knew me well.
And Ethan? Ethan struggled to contain his excitement, fidgeting like an
impatient child.
“So? What’s the dare?” Nadia asked.
Nick’s jaw tightened more, and he shot me a look I couldn’t decipher.
One thing I was certain of was that after Ethan’s and Nadia’s date, Nick no
longer wanted Ethan adoring his sister.
“He has to fish an ice cube out of your cleavage using his mouth,” Mel
said, sounding apologetic.
She watched me instead of Nadia, as if my reaction could tell her more. I
knew Nadia told her we slept together, and she’s been on my case ever
since, waiting to catch me red handed.
“Thomas let me use his veto,” Nadia said.
The song we danced to the first night at the club played from the speaker,
and the way her petite body felt pressed against mine, swaying to the
rhythm flashed in my head. She glanced my way, and I knew we were
thinking about the same moment.
Ethan took an ice cube out of his drink. “Nice try, but it doesn’t work like
that, cutie.”
My temper flared when he rose, showing off his teeth. The ones he would
be picking off the carpet if he took one more step.
“Sit,” I seethed. “She said no.”
“Oh come on!” Jane rolled her eyes. “What’s the big deal? We all play by
the rules, and so will you. You’re out of vetoes, and you’re not having
Thomas’s, so get up and get on with the show.”
“Fine,” Nadia huffed.
My stomach sank for just a second. The blinding anger was replaced with
ease when she turned my way and fastened her soft lips on mine. I weaved
my hand through her hair, and kissed her back with all I had, ignoring the
audience. This was my one shot to remind her how good we were together,
and I made the most of it. I bit her lip, slowed down, and changed the
hungry moment into an intimate one. Nadia relaxed under my touch; played
by my rules, taking handfuls of our closeness.
I closed her lips, and inched away, my mind racing. She was once again
perfectly content. Even the dark circles under her eyes looked lighter
somehow. The effect my touch had on her was mind-blowing. Harry Potter
could kiss my ass. I didn’t need a fucking wand to perform magic tricks.
“You taste sweet, baby doll.”
She smiled at my blatant attempt at infuriating Nick some more, then
moved to face Ethan.
“I believe that’s my veto reinstated, so… Veto.”
He looked dumbstruck, lips parted, but no words coming out. Nick was
the first to react. He chose to ignore the last minute as if it never happened,
reaching for a pink card to read Mel’s dare.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 14
NADIA

So sorry
“How the hell am I supposed to convince Nick now that there’s nothing
going on between you and Thomas?!” Mel hissed, helping me clear the
table when Ethan, Scorpio and Jane left.
“There is nothing going on. Stop overreacting.”
She dropped the dirty dishes in the sink, making a lot of unnecessary
noise. “It’s been two weeks, and instead of his interest in you dying out, it’s
growing. I see the way he looks at you, and Nick sees it too.”
The digital clock on the oven showed twenty past one in the morning—
not the best time for arguments. Instead of convincing Mel she was wrong, I
marched back to the living room, passing Thomas holding a handful of
empty beer bottles and heading to the kitchen.
May the force be with you.
Nick wasn’t keen to help. He sat by the table, polishing the last of the
chicken salad from his plate, his eyes heavy with the whiskey he poured
down his throat. He patted the chair next to him, motioning for me to sit. I
hesitated, not in the mood to be lectured, but he couldn’t hold his head up
all that well. I took the offer, knowing It would be easier to dodge the
bullets while he had a hard time forming coherent sentences.
“You’re so smart,” he muttered the smell of whiskey fanning my face.
“You know that, right? You’re so smart. Don’t fall for his shit, okay? Please
don’t. He’ll hurt you, and I’ll lose my best friend.”
“You should get some sleep, Nick. You’re wasted.”
He watched me, pressing a finger to his mouth. “You like him.” A long,
heavy sigh followed while he massaged his temples. “If he weren’t such a
whore… If he could take care of you the way you deserve… God, sis, I
would do anything for you, you know that right? Just trust me here. Thomas
doesn’t deserve you. Whatever went wrong between you and Adrian… I’m
sure you can fix it!”
 Fifty-eight hours without meds. Fifty-eight hours of busying my mind
and using every calming technique I knew only for it to go to hell thanks to
Nick.
Flashbacks broke the walls, crashing down on me like an avalanche. The
feeling of impending doom hit me hard, the way it did every time Adrian
walked through the door, crazy in his black eyes. It was a feeling that was
easily numbed with alprazolam, but I didn’t have it now. My heart raced
and images flashed before my eyes.

“Where were you?” Adrian sat by the breakfast bar, his pupils dilated,
breathing shallow and hastened.
The grey t-shirt on his back was drenched in sweat; cheeks flushed.
“Are you okay?” I asked, leaving my bag by the door. “You look ill.”
I pressed my hand to his forehead, but instead of feverish he felt cold to
the touch. He covered my palm with his and squeezed hard.
“I asked you a question. Where the fuck were you? It’s late!”
For a short moment he rendered me speechless. It was the first time he
swore at me.
“I bumped into Katie after lectures, and she took me out shopping. Why
are you mad? I sent you a message. Did you check your phone?”
He stood, swaying on his feet, and I rushed to steady him. Then
something on the breakfast bar caught my attention, and my mind drew a
blank. A small plastic packet filled with at least a dozen of yellow pills had
my heartrate in a frenzy. I glanced at Adrian again, hoping against all
hope, that he didn’t take any, but the symptoms were visible on his face, in
his eyes and in his behaviour.
I was offered one of those pills by a freshman a few months earlier at a
frat party. Ty was there with me, and he beat the hell out of the guy,
threatening to call the cops if he ever saw him again.
“Don’t ever take this shit,” he told me, looking around the room,
searching for Adrian who disappeared with his sparring partner. “They call
it Angel Dust. It’s a hallucinogenic. It’ll mess you up like nothing else,
girl.”
Angel Dust, or PCP as they officially referred to it, claimed its first
victim on our campus a month later. A girl jumped out of a third-floor
window in the middle of the day.
 “You’re high?!” I cried, snatching the foil packet and running to the
bathroom to flush the pills down the drain. “Why did you take it? We need
to get you to the hospital.”
But before I could drop the pills into the toilet, Adrian tore them out of
my hand, and swallowed one more.
“You’re such a fucking liar!” he bellowed. “I know you were with Ty!
Are you cheating on me?!” He towered above me.
I pushed him away and ducked under his arm, fighting to stay in control
of the situation. I fell to my knees, rummaging through my bag to find my
phone and call Ty.

“Nadia!” Nick slammed his fists on the table.

I blinked, then grabbed an empty crystal glass from the table, focusing
for a few seconds on how it felt in my hand.
Firm, cold, smooth.
Round, heavy, empty.
It was a grounding technique James taught me two years ago. I hadn’t
used it since the doctor in New York prescribed me with sedatives.
“What?” I asked, my throat dry, heart slamming against my ribs. “I’m
sorry, did you say something?”
Playing dumb never worked on Nick. He saw me on a verge of a panic
attack and during one too after our father died, but I hoped he was too
drunk to connect the dots.
“You switched off, Nadia. You switched off the same way you used to
when Dad died. And you’re still shaking!”
Sometime during the last minute or so he sobered, and now looked just as
worried as Thomas, who sat on my right, his eyes not leaving my face, body
leaning toward me, as if ready to catch me.
“This has gone on long enough,” Nick continued. “You need to tell me
what the hell happened. You’re a mess again. I want to help, but I can’t
because you’re not telling me anything!”
I put the glass away and placed my hand on his shoulder, forcing him to
look at me, and at the same time, I caught Thomas’s hand out of Nick’s
view, squeezing hard to get some semblance of peace, even if just for a
moment. It was selfish, but the fear residing in every cell of my body
pushed me to grasp the one thing within reach that could help.
 Thomas did exactly what I hoped he would. He let me feed off his
strength, lacing our fingers, and stroking my hand with his thumb, agreeing
to being used as an antidote to my disease.
“What happened is irrelevant. I might be a mess now, but I’m getting
help; soon I’ll be back to my normal self.”
The sad part was that I didn’t believe I would ever be the same again.
“Help?” Nick rose to his feet. “What are you talking about?”
I let go of Thomas’s hand, careful not to enrage Nick more. The one
thing I failed to notice before was Mel standing in the doorway. Her eyes
jumping from me to Thomas and back.
“I’m seeing James again,” I said.
Nick scoffed, pacing around the room. “Yeah, because that worked so
well last time. He’s not the right doctor for you. I know you trust him, but
after six months of therapy you weren’t much better.”
“It’s not magic, Nick,” Mel interjected. “These things take time. I mean,
it’s been fifteen years since my parents abandoned me, and I still struggle
sometimes.”
Nick disregarded his fiancée, then turned back to me, a sense of
enlightenment in his eyes. “Did Adrian cheat on you?”
“No!” I blurted out before taking a moment to think.
It would have been the perfect explanation. Nick knew that cheating was
the one thing that could destroy my relationship with Adrian in a blink of an
eye and beyond repair.
I still blamed our mother for Dad’s death. If she hadn’t cheated on him,
he would still be alive.
“Then what did he do?!”
The answer sat on the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed hard, not letting
the heated moment ruin my brother.
“If I’m ever ready to talk, then I will, but now is not the time.”
I glanced at Mel, willing her to take Nick home before we would argue,
but with one look at her, I knew she wasn’t siding with me on this one.
“You should tell us. You’re keeping it in, and it’s not helping you move
on. You’re making it harder for all of us.”
A pang of disappointment dabbed at the back of my mind. She was the
only one who could understand the reluctance to sharing traumatic events,
and despite that she pushed.
 Cornered by two of the most important people in my life, I was left with
no choice but to take the easiest way out.
“I’m going to bed.” I crossed the room. “Let yourselves out. Goodnight.”
A minute later, I gently closed the door to my bedroom. My composure
was an illusion, a defence mechanism designed to protect everyone but me.
Silent tears dripped down my chin; feelings of detachment and failure
resurfaced, stripping my mind of the firewall. More memories seeped
through the cracks, and the second the door to my apartment closed with a
bang, I fell backward, curled into a ball, and fisted the sheets, crying like I
hadn’t cried since Nick told me Dad died.
For months, I fought to suppress the negative emotions and consequently
failed to process what Adrian had done. Heavily medicated from day one,
fighting to stay sane and help him through the addiction, I forgot to take
care of myself.

I fell to my knees, rummaging through my bag to find my phone and call

Ty. Adrian snatched the cell from me and sent it flying across the room. He
caught my arm and shoved me hard against the wall. My head hit a picture
frame. The glass shattered, and shards broke the skin.
“Stop it!” I cried, punching his chest. “Let me go. Please, you’re high,
Adrian. You’re delusional. Let me get help!”
“Help?” He gripped my neck and five fingers dug into my skin. “You
mean Ty?!” He squeezed harder, cutting off my air supply. “He’s not getting
near you. You’re mine, puppet. You’re only mine. Say it.”
I nodded vigorously. Tears blurred my vision as I gasped for air and tried
to move his hands away so I could breath. I was ready to say and do
anything to calm him down.
“I’m gonna kill that son of a bitch if he as much as looks at you.”
Adrian loosened the grip, and his attitude changed in an instant. I
coughed, pumping air back into my lungs, and watched the aggression fade
away. His eyes turned heavy, as if his system was crashing. He took a few
rickety steps back, then marched straight to the bedroom, and a thud
followed.
I stood there, plastered to the wall, blood dripping down my neck, chaos
in my mind. My heart beat so hard that I heard it over my hastened
breathing and almost inaudible whimpers.
 A moment passed before I regained feeling in my stiff body and slid to the
floor. I couldn’t tell how long I stared into the distance, listening to Adrian’s
loud, steady breaths coming from the bedroom.
Then, as if jolted by electricity, I jumped to my feet and picked the phone
from the floor, praying for it to work. The screen was cracked, but it
switched on, and I dialled Ty’s number.
“Hey, girl. What’s up?”
Relief at the sound of his voice intensified my whimpers.
“What’s wrong, Nadia?”
“Adrian’s high,” I rocked back and forth in the corner of the room. “He
fell asleep, but he’s been acting crazy. Can you come? I’m scared, and I
don’t know what to do.”
“Hold on.” Doors slammed in the background and gravel crunched
under his feet. “I’m on my way. Get out of the apartment. Meet me
downstairs. I’ll be there in five minutes.”
He cut the call, but not before the big engine of his car sprung to life,
roaring like a wild animal. I tiptoed across the room, my legs like cotton
candy. I took care opening and closing the door, careful not to make a
sound.
Ty jumped out of the driver’s seat when I was halfway through a
cigarette, trembling in the cold January air like a frightened kitten.
“What happened?” he asked, taking long strides in my direction, but
when he was just two feet away, he stopped, and colour drained from his
face. “He did this?” He motioned to my neck, and took two more weary
steps, then placed a finger under my chin, to take a better look.
“I don’t know what got into him,” I mumbled, the chocked-back sobs
threatening to unleash. “He acted insane. I have never seen him like this,
not even during the worst of our fights.”
He cupped my face, then hid me in his arms, but it lasted just a second.
He spun me, his right hand marked with blood. “What the fuck did he do to
you?” he seethed. “Get in the car, Nadia. I’ll grab some of your things.
You’re staying with me tonight.”
The next morning was the first time since I was a little girl that I saw a
man in tears. Adrian called Ty around noon. He screamed down the line so
loud that a speakerphone was unnecessary.
Panic in his voice sent shivers down my spine.
“Is Nadia there with you?!”
 “Yeah, she’s here.” Ty draped his arm over my shoulders and drew me to
his side.
“I’m coming.”
Before Ty could answer, Adrian cut the call. My body tensed, fear
blooming in the pit of my stomach and spreading to all vital organs.
“He needs to see you,” Ty said. “He has to see what he did. He loves
you. Once he sees how he hurt you, he’s never touching drugs again.”
We waited in silence, and five minutes later, the door to Ty’s apartment
banged against the wall. Adrian rushed into the living room and halted
three feet away from me.
“No,” he muttered. “No, no, no.” His eyes filled with tears.
A bizarre memory stole my attention—the image of my father shedding a
few tears at his mother’s funeral. I was only five when Nanny died and
remembered little about the funeral. My father’s tears were etched into my
brain and they had me convinced that men cried square tears. It was only
when I saw Adrian cry that I realised it wasn’t possible.
He pulled hard on his hair, then covered his mouth and fell to his knees.
“I’m so sorry, puppet.” Tears stained the beige fabric of the couch.
He held his hand out to take mine. I wanted to run, but the self-loathing
on his face convinced me to stay. Seeing me hurt and knowing he was the
one who did that broke him in ways only a man in love could be broken.
“Please,” he whispered, wiping the tears away. “I’m so sorry. I love you
so much, puppet. You know that, right? Nothing matters more than you.
Please, please don’t leave me. I’ll never take that shit again. Just don’t
leave me.”
“You scared me.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Promise you won’t
do that ever again.”
“I swear, puppet. I swear on my mother.” He took my hand, and placed it
on his head, hiding his face in my lap. “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I hurt
you.” His voice broke, and he hugged my legs tight, “I won’t ever do it
again.”

Ever lasted three weeks. Then a vicious cycle began—drugs, bruises,

apologies. We were stuck believing that Adrian could change and that he
could stop, that I could help him. We were deluding ourselves, hoping for
better days, which were never to come.
OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 15
THOMAS

Again, then again

I handed the taxi driver a twenty-pound note, exiting the car the minute
Nick’s and Mel’s taxi turned right at the end of the street. There was no way
I would leave without checking on Nadia. She looked worse than I ever saw
her even before Nick started the interrogation about Adrian yet again.
He seemed oblivious to the severity of Nadia’s issues. Consumed by the
need to find out why she ended it with Adrian, he failed to notice the small
things—her anxious state, the torment in her eyes, pills she swallowed like
candy and reluctance to being touched… The list went on, and somehow, I
was the one person who paid enough attention to see that her scars ran
deeper than anyone could guess.
I climbed the flight of stairs to the first floor and entered her apartment,
dreading to see what state she was in. The place looked just as we left it ten
minutes earlier—dark and silent if not for the white LED lights in the
kitchen.
Nadia stood by the breakfast bar, face wet. A box of paracetamol laid on
the countertop. The door closed behind me with a quiet click, and her head
snapped in my direction. Anxiety on her face and in her stance was visible
from fifteen feet away, demolishing my composure.
I managed three steps focused on Nadia—a fundamental change
happened before my eyes; her shoulders sagged, a powerful, choked-back
sob shuddered her frame and she ran out of the kitchen, crashing into me
like a small, fragile wrecking ball.
“Make me feel something else.” She hid her face in my chest and fisted
my jacket. “Please, make it go away.”
My stomach twisted in knots. Fear radiated from her in cool waves, the
plea in her voice undeniable.
“I’ve got you.” I wrapped my arms around her. “I won’t let go.”
Eyes closed, she pressed her lips to mine, digging her fingertips into my
neck and forcing me closer. Salty tears in my mouth; dampness of her
cheeks on my skin. I wanted to take her to the living room and hold her
until the worst was over, but the urgency of her touch told me she wanted
more than that. Much more.
She was vulnerable, scared and my chest squeezed at the thought of
giving her what she wanted. I gripped her wrists and pushed her away,
regretting the decision when her bottom lip quivered.
“Don’t do this,” she whispered. “You said …”
“This isn’t me rejecting you.” Not by a long shot. This was me
summoning all the decency that hid deep in my mind. “If you want this, I
need to hear you say it.”
I needed consent or else I would forever feel like I took advantage of the
situation.
She peered up, holding my gaze. “I want you just as much as I need you.
Take me to bed. Please.”
The strength and sincerity of her words could wipe out a small city.
Nadia pushed scruples and reasons aside and gave in to the selfish part of
her character, the one I wanted her to give in to since day one.
She needed me. She trusted me to make it all go away, and I wasn’t about
to let her down.
I devoured her parted lips, backing her against the wall. The chemistry
between us amplified, escalating our craving to the point of fever. Her
muscles relaxed slowly; her body no longer trembled. I was afraid to break
away in case it would all turn out to be a dream, but the way my body and
my mind reacted to her proximity was definitely real.
This wasn’t me taking advantage of her. No, it was her using me. I let
her. I would let her use me as a ladder to climb out of the ditch.
The two-week-long struggle came to an end, and the anticipation
skyrocketed. My heart pumped blood faster, my body in a state of readiness.
Desire spilled under my skin like a drop of ink in a bowl of water.
A few chaotic, intense minutes later, I laid her on the bed and helped her
out of her clothes. The night lamp was on, bathing her naked skin in an
orange hue.
“I’ll be here as long as you need me,” I said.
“Do you ever stop talking?”
I brought my lips to her ear. “When I listen to you moan.”
The good kind of shivers made her tremble. Ten seconds later, I pushed
inside of her, watching her doe-like eyes and parted lips.
 Three hundred and forty-eight hours had passed since I last felt her, but I
missed the petite brunette as if it was an entire goddamn century.
With every thrust, every kiss and every touch of my hands on her body,
the fear in her eyes subsided. It was surreal. Mere moments of our closeness
were enough for the torment to give way.
And that was the beginning of my end.
I held her close, locked between my arms, with my hand on her waist the
other on the mattress, pumping in and out in a hasty, frantic rhythm. Her
nails dug into the skin on my back, and she drew long lines down my
shoulder blades, pushing me harder against her hot body.
“What did I say keeps me quiet? I want to hear you.”
With each satisfied sound escaping her mouth, I had that moving-objects-
with-willpower kind of feeling. I read her with ease and saw when she was
about to climax as if she told me so, but this time I was smarter. I wasn’t
going to let her come so fast. She had to remember this, long for it, and
consequently long for me.
“Not yet, baby doll.” I slid out of her when she was seconds from release.
“You made me wait two weeks.”
Her eyes widened. “Are you punishing me?”
Not now, not ever.
“In the end… It’ll taste like a reward. I promise.”
Nadia calmed down slowly, but I had all the time in the world. Watching
her squirm was more satisfying than anything I had done so far. I rocked
back into her when she stopped trembling, but it didn’t take long to bring
her to the edge of an orgasm. I stopped again. Then again, and again. Just
when I thought we could play until dawn, Nadia looked at me with those
fucking large, brown, unbelievable eyes.
“Thomas… Please.” She grazed my cheek, squeezing her thighs together.
“Enough.”
Everything around us exploded like hundreds of confetti cannons the
second I leaned over her, thrusting harder and deeper to give her what she
wanted. I would give her everything she could ask for.
Every. Fucking. Thing.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 16
THOMAS

Food poisoning
“I want an ice cream!” Maya giggled when we parked outside of
Claudia’s house on the outskirts of London after spending four hours at the
zoo. She already had two ice creams, a doughnut, and pink cotton candy.
One day that girl would grow up to become the most powerful woman in
the country.
She was three years old, but she already knew how to manipulate people.
Or maybe it was just me being weak when it came to her. One sad face and
I crawled out of my skin to make her smile again. Hence so much candy.
Nadia had a similar effect on me, and it looked like not one, but two
gorgeous brunettes were walking all over me.
Hoo-fucking-ray.
“You know I rarely say no, but this time I have to. Your mum wouldn’t
approve. It’s almost lunchtime.”
Maya giggled, hopped out of the car and outstretched her little hands so
that I would pick her up. I did. I always carried her around. Though I should
have dismantled the car seat first, as it was damn near impossible to do with
one hand.
Maya draped one hand over my neck, and the other on my cheek, pulling
a sad face. “I don’t want you to go.”
I took the car seat out and closed the door with my knee. “I’m not going
yet. You promised to show me your new puzzles, and your mum spent all
day cooking, so I’m in for food poisoning.”
We both knew Claudia wasn’t a good cook. Even Claudia knew it, but
she tried hard, and over the course of last year she had gotten better. Like,
no-need-for-an-ambulance-on-speed-dial better.
“Mummy!” Maya screamed when we entered the house, and Claudia
emerged from the kitchen. “Okay, well, Thomas took me to the zoo! I saw
zebras and lions and monkeys and, and…”
“Hippos,” I whispered.
 “Hippos and tigers and elephants and birds and snakes!” She bounced up
and down when I put her on a granny chair.
Claudia’s taste in decorating made me nauseous. A blue leather sofa
stood squashed by the wall accompanied by a green recliner from the
nineteen-forties—neither vintage nor retro—just old and ugly. It smelled
funny too—like sweat, dust and old people.
The room resembled a second-hand furniture shop. An oval, pine oak
coffee table, a glass bookcase, which stood between two small windows to
the left from the main door, and a rather sad looking plant in the corner.
Nothing worked well, but the thing that made me cringe most was the pink
carpet with cream floral patterns. It was hideous.
Claudia frowned at the sight of Maya’s yellow dress, which was now
grey and stained. “I’m not even going to ask. Maya go upstairs, put a
different dress on and wash your hands.” She moved her eyes to me. “You
want coffee?”
“No questions? No lecture?” I followed her to the kitchen. “You’re not
going to ask how many ice creams I bought her?”
“Too many, but that’s not important.” She put the kettle on and rested her
back on the wall. “Be nice to Richard. He’s important.”
And the award for The Fastest Way to Trash Thomas’s Good Mood goes
to …
“Is he? More important than Adam?”
“Why are you acting like this?” She crossed her hands. “You know Adam
will always be a part of me, but he’s gone, Thomas. I want to move on.”
She drew her bottom lip between her teeth and bit on it to stop herself from
bursting into tears. “I want you to meet Richard. I need you to approve.”
I rubbed my face to ease the frustration and wipe away the guilt. “I’m
sorry, but I don’t think I can. I can’t stand the thought of you with another
guy. You’re Adam’s girl. This isn’t right.”
I watched my words hurt her and hated to see her on the verge of crying,
but I couldn’t lie. Anger sparked a fire in my mind at her imminent betrayal,
but a wave of sympathy that washed over me when she wiped her eyes with
the back of her hand, extinguishing the flames.
“I’m still Adam’s girl. I’ll always love him, and Richard knows that. I
don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.”
“You’re not alone, Claudia. You’ve got me! I’m here.”
 She chuckled pathetically. “There was a time when I thought we could
make it work; I thought we would end up together, you know?”
I looked up, unsure if I heard her right. “You wanted to date me?”
The thought of us together never entered my mind for the three and a half
years I had known her. Claudia was like the sister I never had. Dating her
was out of the question.
Fuck that, it was never a question. Claudia was family.
She shook her head, staring at her hands. “I don’t know, I… You’re great
with Maya. She loves you to bits. You and me, it seemed safe and sensible,
but it would be too messed up to work. We are too messed up. Both of us.
But I want to be happy again, and Richard makes me happy. It doesn’t mean
I forgot about Adam. I never will.” She swallowed and pressed her hand to
her heart. “I’ll never stop loving him. All I’m trying to do is move on
because I know Adam would want that.”
She spoke like Nick and Scorpio, and just like them, she was right. Adam
wasn’t here anymore; I couldn’t give her everything she wanted, and she
had every right to search for happiness.
I drew her into my arms. “Just promise me one thing.”
“Anything.”
“Promise you’ll take it slow. Promise you’ll be sensible with this guy,
and that you won’t kick me out of the picture. I can’t lose you.”
Claudia clasped her palms on my neck, looking straight into my eyes. “I
will always need you, Thomas. We will always need you. And I have been
taking it slow with Richard. We’ve been dating for a few months now, but I
only introduced him to Maya last weekend.”
“Does she like him?” An anxious note rang in my voice.
“Yeah, she likes him, and so will you.” She curled her fingers under my
chin. “She likes him, but she loves you.”
I didn’t need more than that.
A knock on the front door stopped our conversation. Claudia wiped her
face, then smiled, and walked out of the kitchen. I tensed at the sound of a
male voice.
Maya arrived in the room first. She pushed a chair as close to mine as she
could, then climbed on it, and made herself comfortable. Her feet dangled
in the air and a genuine smile that only children smile was on her face.
Claudia entered the room, followed by Richard. I knew how to read
people and when the nervous guy entered the room I calmed down.
 He was the type every father or brother would approve of at first sight—
well-groomed, well-dressed and completely harmless. Straight back, the
pace of his steps and the fidgeting told me he cared about my opinion, and
so he must have cared about Claudia a great deal.
As soon as he looked at me, he shrunk in size, but he took the liberty of
introducing himself. He extended his arm toward me, not breaking eye-
contact.
“Richard Stanley. Call me Rick”
“Thomas Calix. Don’t call me Tom.”
Every time I heard Tom, I saw Sir Tom Jones, heard She’s a Lady and had
a tiny mental fit, which was why Nick enjoyed calling me Tom whenever he
was in the mood to get on my nerves.
“I heard a lot about you.” He moved his eyes to Maya. “Hey, Maya. Your
mummy told me you visited the zoo today.”
“Yes! Thomas took me and I saw zebras and lions and monkeys and
hippos and tigers and elephants and birds and snakes!”
This time she counted the animals on her fingers. All the way back home
from the zoo she listed the animals on repeat and had ten at the ready to tell
Claudia about. Now, with eight fingers up, she looked at me confused.
“And penguins, and–”
“And cheetahs!” She jumped in her seat.
Richard sat by the table and asked Maya which animal she liked best.
That kept her babbling for few minutes before she ran out of breath.
Claudia poured hot water in three cups, and the smell of coffee filled the
small kitchen.
We sat there for a few hours talking and eating the roast that Claudia
prepared—the best meal she cooked to date. Richard was easy going, well-
spoken and polite, and by the time it was time for me to leave, I felt better
about him dating Claudia. She seemed happier with him, and Maya liked
him just the right amount. Apart from my loyalty to Adam, I was out of
arguments against their relation.
Claudia walked me outside, leaving Richard to clear the table with Maya
as his assistant. He trusted her to dry the plates.
“Thank you.” Claudia climbed on her toes to kiss my cheek. “It means a
lot that you tolerate him.”
I hung my jacket in the back of the car. “He seems like a good guy, and
you’re right. Adam wouldn’t want you to dwell on the past.”
 “He wouldn’t want you to do that either.”
I heard that before. Nick said it and so did Scorpio, but it wasn’t until
Claudia said it that I believed the words. Her opinion mattered most, and
knowing she wanted me to stop wasting my life was more than I expected
to hear from her.
“I’ll remember that.” I pecked her forehead and got in the car. “Call me if
you need me.”
The irony of the past two weeks came crashing down on me when I
pulled out onto the main road. I had allowed myself to see past Adam’s
death, considered leading my life back to normality after spending over
three years convinced that I didn’t deserve it, but the girl I wanted to sort
out my shit for was a mess. After witnessing the state she was in last night,
I started to doubt that I could help her.
I did the one thing every self-respecting man would do in my situation—I
drove to see someone who always knew best, someone who had an answer
to everything, someone who could flick on the light at the end of the
maddening, dark tunnel.
That someone was my mother.
She was the only person who could tell me what the hell I was supposed
to do now. She had an answer to every question and a solution to every
problem. Years ago, when I was a little boy, she had Band-Aids. Now, she
had advice.
The clock on the dashboard showed eight p.m., but I was always
welcome at my parents’ house no matter how late or early. I parked in front
of the oversized mansion and smoked a cigarette to clear my head. I stepped
inside, greeted by soft classical music reverberating through the rooms.
It was safe to assume my father wasn’t home. Alistair Calix wasn’t a fan
of Tchaikovsky or Bach. My mother on the other hand loved the great
composers. It’s funny how people with different backgrounds and interests
found their way to each other.
Monique was born and raised in a wealthy family. Her parents were the
London elite. Alistair came from a family of six living in a flat in a small
town around Manchester, but he was bright. Brighter than ninety-nine
percent of his peers, and his brains secured him a place in one of the most
prestigious universities in the world—Cambridge. He met my mother on
campus, and thirty years later they were as crazy about each other as the
day they met.
 The sounds of violin led me to the library located in the east wing of the
house. Yep, it was so big that it had wings. Music grew louder with every
step I took. My mother stood by the far window with a glass of red wine in
hand, surrounded by rows of ceiling-high bookcases.
She glanced over her shoulder, and a soft smile curved her lips. She
remained silent as if she knew words weren’t what I needed. At least not
yet. I wrapped my arms around her middle, resting my forehead on her
shoulder.
There comes a time in every man’s life when after years of teenage
rebellion, he appreciates his mother like never before. My time came three
and a half years ago when I returned from the army. My mother was the
only one who didn’t tell me that the pain of loss would go away. She didn’t
try to make me feel better: she allowed me to grieve and was there by my
side throughout the stages.
“I saw Maya today,” I began, eyes closed. “We spent the day at the zoo,
and then I met Claudia’s… boyfriend.”
Monique turned around. “Boyfriend?” Her eyes softened, and she
motioned for me to follow her down the hall.
We sat in the kitchen, and I filled her glass with sweet red wine. I made a
drink for myself and took a seat opposite to my mother at the breakfast bar.
“You don’t like him?” she asked.
“It’s not like that. It came as a bit of a shock; that’s all. I didn’t expect
Claudia to date.”
My mother sipped on her wine, her eyes not leaving my face. “That’s not
why you’re here.”
I covered my face with my palms. “No. It’s not.”
How was I supposed to explain the mess I was in without confessing
what kind of a jackass I was? She raised me to respect women and take care
of them, not to use them for personal pleasure, or to distract myself from
the pain that ripped my chest wide open.
I kept my face buried in my hands. “I’m here because I met a girl.”
I didn’t need to see my mother to get an idea of what her facial
expression looked like, and surely, when I put my hands back on the half-
empty glass, Monique looked stunned.
“Who is she?” She aimed for casual but failed.
“It’s Nadia. The one you helped me pick out a gift for the other day.
She’s Nick’s sister. My business partner slash best friend’s sister. But that’s
not the worst part, mum.” I raked my hand through my hair and squeezed
the nape of my neck. “I don’t know what to do. I’m losing it. She’s going
through some things. I’m helping, but she doesn’t want more than help from
me, and she doesn’t even want that half the time.”
I expected many reactions, but a broad smile wasn’t one of them. She
was supposed to comfort me and give me advice, not laugh at my misery.
Way to kick me when I’m down.
I drank the last of whiskey and got up for a refill.
“Wasn’t she supposed to come back two weeks ago?” Monique asked,
her voice filled with poorly concealed amusement.
Nice one, mum.
“She did. Why?”
“Two weeks, Thomas.”
I clenched my teeth. “Yes, two. I hope you’re going somewhere.”
She laughed shaking her head as if dealing with my ten years younger
self. “Sweetie, you just met. If she’s going through things, then help her,
and wait until she’s ready. She knows nothing about you. These things take
time, honey. You can’t expect her to fall in love with you after two weeks.”
Bingo. That’s why I came to see my mother.
I smiled, twisting her words to fit the situation. Nadia knew a lot about
me, well not me, the playboy side of me. She knew next to nothing about
the guy I was without blondes, or the guy I was before life dealt me the
shitty cards. Maybe she wanted nothing to do with me because she thought
there wasn’t much more to me apart from sex. Maybe she needed time to
get to know me.
New hope flooded my mind and the grin on my lips made my face hurt.
“I love you, mum.” I kissed her cheek.
“Care to tell me more about the girl who has my son so disturbed?”
I didn’t know where to start. It would be best to introduce them so my
mother could see for herself how mesmerising Nadia was. There were
already so many things I liked about her that it was unreal.
I sipped on the whiskey and looked into my mother’s eyes… Eyes which
were the same unique colour as mine.
“She’s like quickly progressing cancer, mum. She’s invading my whole
world.”

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 17
NADIA

Women drivers
Thomas entered my apartment on Sunday evening, not bothering to
knock. He found me on the couch, smelling a cup of peppermint tea—
another grounding technique. I alternated between different ones all day,
waiting for a sign from Thomas.
“I didn’t expect you to come back,” I said, eying the muscles visible
under the thin fabric of his long-sleeved white t-shirt.
He hung his jacket on the back of the wing chair. “Why didn’t you?”
I sipped from the cup, inhaling some more. “I thought you’ll change your
mind about the friends-with-benefits idea after last night.”
“Yeah,” he dropped his keys on the coffee table, “don’t count on it.
Whatever your issues, you’re better when you’re with me. And I’m better
with you, so let’s quit running around in circles like we don’t give a damn
and just agree to use each other.”
I was done fighting. Done denying myself the help he carelessly offered.
Last night should have scared him off; he should have reconsidered after
witnessing my meltdown, but he wanted to follow me into the labyrinth of
my issues. I was too weak to stop him.
“We need ground rules,” I said.
“Okay.” He sat beside me, then helped me onto his lap. “I have one—no
more dates with Ethan, or anyone for that matter.”
“Done.” I knotted my fingers on his neck and leaned in to kiss him. “No
questions. No guessing. No pushing, and Nick can’t find out.”
“Deal, but you don’t pretend when you’re with me. And you call me
whenever you need a distraction.”
So, all day every day?
“Careful what you wish for. I’m off the meds. Hence the meltdown last
night. If James won’t have a prescription ready for me tomorrow…”
“Then you’ll call me, and I’ll make sure you don’t have to smell
peppermint tea to feel safe.”
 I cocked my head. “How do you know that’s why I do it?”
“Told you you’re not the only one with issues.” He patted my bum to
make me move, then stood, and pulled me with him.
“Turn around,” he said, and drew me closer, forcing me to rest my back
against his chest. “Do this if I’m not here when you need me.”
“I don’t need you,” I snapped on autopilot.
“Keep lying to yourself.”
Yep, and I didn’t plan to stop anytime soon.
He caught my hands in his, moved the right one to rest on the side of my
ribcage, close to the heart, and the other on my right arm.
“Close your eyes, baby doll.”
I did as I was told, lacing our fingers when he hugged me tighter.
“Now breathe in,” he whispered, inhaling in sync with me through his
nose. He tapped his index finger on my palm four times before exhaling
through his mouth. “Remind yourself who you are, and where you are.” He
bent down to kiss the nape of my neck. “And then recall this moment—my
lips on your skin; the sound of my voice; the way your body relaxes under
my touch.”
The hold he had on me loosened and his lips worked their way across my
jaw.
I turned around, fisting his t-shirt. “One more rule. Don’t hope for more.”
He helped me out of my sweater a smirk on his lips. “I’ll take whatever
you’ll give me and I’ll make the best use of it for us both.”
And he did. Every evening he entered my apartment, took care of my
demons, then left me alone, sleeping under the sheets that smelled of his
cologne.

***

James retained most of my meds. All he gave back was diazepam with
clear instructions not to abuse it. He also prescribed me with new
antidepressants and told me to stock up on vitamins and minerals. I took
them religiously every morning before I rushed out to take care of the list of
tasks Mel texted me every evening.
She started working as a Marketing assistant at the record label last week,
no longer having time for all the wedding details, and the responsibilities
fell upon me. Under different circumstances I would have hated the fast-
paced days, but it was a good distraction and kept me off diazepam until
Thomas took over in the evenings. I was adamant to steer clear of the
anxiety meds unless I was desperate.
So far, the strategy worked well. It was day twelve, and despite overusing
the grounding techniques I knew, the box of diazepam remained unopened.
My phone rang when I emerged from a coffee shop nearby James’s
office, a half-caff, half-sweet, non-fat caramel macchiato in one hand and
an extra shot, extra-hot, extra-whip, sugar-free vanilla latte in the other; a
bag over one shoulder, two folders under my arm, and a bag filled with two
hundred and fifty fandango pink organza gift bags for wedding favours
dangled from my wrist. I had yet to pick up two hundred and fifty of each:
personalised, hand-made lollipops, test-tubes filled with loose-leaf tea and
wooden puzzle pieces with A&N engraved on them.
Oh, and, obviously, I was the one tasked with preparing the gift bags.
I growled, and stopped in my tracks, trying to move things around and
free one hand to fish the phone out of my bag. I placed the latte on top of
the macchiato, but dropped the folders, and my exasperation kicked up a
notch. Careful not to spill the coffee, I kneeled on the pavement, set the
things aside, then rummaged through my bag in search of the phone.
It stopped ringing the second I found it.
“Hey!” Mel chirped when I redialled. “I know you’re busy, but could you
please meet the band straight after your therapy session? They want to go
over the evening in detail to make sure they’re prepared.”
“I was supposed to finalize the menu with the catering company,” I
huffed, collecting my belongings.
“No worries, I rescheduled. Hannah will meet you at two.”
“Two? Jane is coming over at four.”
She was kind to offer help when I mentioned the two-hundred and fifty
gift bags that required assembling. I wanted to start ticking things as done
rather than pending.
“Hold on a sec,” Mel said, and a voice I knew so well sounded loud and
clear in the receiver.
“You got the posters for The Crooks?” Thomas asked, so I guessed Mel
had me on speaker phone.
“No, I don’t, but they were delivered yesterday. Check with Nick. Sorry,
Nadia, yes, I know, but the meeting won’t take long. I’m sure you can make
it back home in time.”
 The light turned green, and I rushed across the road, glancing at the
watch on my wrist–ten past nine.
Surprise, surprise—you’re late.
“That would be true if I had a car. I’m relying on public transport here,
and I need to pick up the lollipops and the rest of the gifts at some point
today. I’m already like a packhorse.”
“Oh,” she uttered. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise it might be too much for
you.” The teary tone to her voice had my shoulders sag a couple of inches.
“It slipped my mind that you don’t have a car, sweetie.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll get it all done.” I knew damn well “no” would have
reduced Mel into a sobbing mess. “I’ll just cut my session with James short
today. Text me Hannah’s number.”
“Thank you,” she breathed down the line.
I cut the call balancing both coffees in one hand while tucking the phone
away. It didn’t work. I had to once again drop everything onto the
pavement, my cheeks turning pink with exasperation. By the time I stepped
into James’s office five minutes later, the coffees had gone cold.
“Sorry I’m late. It’s been a busy morning.”
Intense too. Thomas couldn’t keep me company last night but made it up
to me bright and early. He showed up at my apartment twenty to seven and
demanded to use both, my shower and me.
“No problem. You want to tell me more about your day?”
I debated whether to let James in on the secret since we re-started the
sessions last week. So far all we talked about were things that surrounded
the two years I spent in New York, although Adrian’s name or our
relationship hadn’t yet been mentioned.
Every day I wondered how to tell James about the abuse I suffered at the
hands of the man I loved, and I realised something disturbing.
Every imaginary conversation about Adrian began with assuring James
that he was a good person. That he loved me and would do anything to
make me happy; that he was the only reason I survived the grief and
mourning. I made him sound blameless, made excuses for him and kept
repeating over and over that Adrian laid his hands on me while on drugs,
but never when sober. It was true. Sober Adrian was an impersonation of
every girl’s dream boyfriend.
The demarcation my mind created scared me. I tried hard to combine
sober Adrian with what he did to me while high, but I couldn’t admit that
sober Adrian was the same person who made every one of my breaths
painful for weeks when he broke two of my ribs.
I glanced at James, and put my trust in him, hoping he could help me
erase the line I drew between my Adrian and the drug addict.
“No.” I squeezed the cup tighter and the lid popped out of place. “I think
I want to tell you about Adrian now.”
A soft knock sounded on the door.
Daphne entered, an apologetic smile on her lips. “I’m sorry to interrupt,
but someone’s here to see you Nadia. He said it’s important.”
I frowned, a little annoyed at my brother for disturbing the session, but it
wasn’t Nick who waited for me in the reception. Thomas stood by the door,
a three-piece suit hugging his tall, muscled frame, a small smile on his lips.
Daphne gave us a false sense of privacy, ducking behind the tall counter.
“What are you doing here?”
“I heard you need a car for the day.” He held out the keys to his BMW.
“Pick me up from work when you’re done.”
I cocked an eyebrow. “You want me to take your car? Haven’t you heard
stories about women drivers?”
He caught my hand, pulled me closer, and a soft, delicate kiss followed.
“You’re not a stereotypical woman, baby doll.”
“But…”
“No buts. You’re not bailing on therapy to accommodate Mel’s every
whim. Don’t worry about the gifts, either. My assistant is on it. Now, say
thank you, kiss me, and get back to James.”
“Thank you.” I closed my fingers on the keys. “Why do I feel like this
shouldn’t be part of the deal?”
“Because you need more time than I do to accept the facts.”
Cue in another frown. I opened my mouth to ask a question, but I wasn’t
sure if I were ready to hear the answer. Thomas knew the rules, but
sometimes his actions betrayed that I might have been the only one holding
onto them for dear life.
“How will you get back to the office?” I asked instead.
He didn’t answer. A sad but knowing look crossed his face. He kissed my
head, and left, the faint notes of cedarwood and amber lingered in the air.
“Everything okay?” James asked when I sat down. “Who was that?”
“Thomas, Nick’s best friend.”
 No matter how much I tried pretending that I didn’t notice the small
things Thomas did outside of our strictly sexual arrangement, I did notice.
Something was changing between us. The more I thought of it, the more I
understood that although we agreed to sex only, we were much more than
that from day one. That scared me more than the inability to see Adrian for
the monster he became.
“When I left Adrian in New York, I felt like I jumped out of a plane with
nothing to break the fall,” I whispered, picking on my nails. “And
Thomas…” I glanced at James, hope blooming in the pit of my stomach. “I
think he’s my parachute.”

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 18
THOMAS

Asshole persona
Nick had a silent fit when he found out Nadia took my car for the day. It
wasn’t like I ever lent him the BMW. No one got to drive my car. No one,
but I didn’t think twice about handing the keys to Nadia. Go figure.
It was already half-past three and Nadia was due back any minute. She
rang half an hour ago to say she was done with the meetings and only had
one more thing to take care of before she would pick me up so that I could
drop her off at her apartment.
“Just tell me one thing.” Nick readjusted his tie as if it choked him.
“Why? Why are you suddenly so fucking thoughtful? Don’t get me wrong,
I appreciate you helping her, but you’re acting out of character where she’s
concerned, and I don’t like it.”
I smirked. Did he hear himself? How was my thoughtfulness toward the
light of his life a bad thing? Did he forget who I was?
“Would you rather I treated her like I treat other women?”
“No, but…”
“I thought so. Don’t act like an ass, Nick. If you’re looking for answers,
ask the right questions.”
A ringing silence coupled with Nick’s eyes burning a hole in my face
lasted a few long seconds. My palms grew cold, and I regretted the
encouragement. How the fuck was I supposed to answer if he asked
whether there was something going on between Nadia and me?
Way to dig your grave, Thomas.
Nick crossed his arms and sat across from the desk. “Fine. Why did you
lend her your car?”
Phew. Good thing Nick wanted to pretend he didn’t have the slightest
idea about Nadia and me just as Nadia wanted to pretend that we were just
physical. They were both, consciously or unconsciously, turning a blind
eye, too afraid to face the truth.
 “Because you didn’t. She’s struggling and forcing her to bail on therapy
to run errands is fucking low. I can relate to what she’s going through, and
I’m not going to sit back and watch when I can help.”
It took a year before I told Nick about Adam’s death and the darkest
times of my life when I wallowed in grief and self-loathing.
The three months I spent in the army after Adam died were a blur. I
pressed forward on autopilot: eat, train, kill, sleep. The three months after I
came out were filled with images of Claudia, whiskey and pills. If I wasn’t
helping Claudia with the baby room or shopping, I washed down the
sleeping pills with alcohol to stop the nightmares from waking me up in the
middle of the night.
A total of six months passed while I tried to cope by myself—six months
while I searched for a single thing that would justify me being alive.
After Maya was born, I couldn’t leave her, not after I promised Adam
that I would take care of his girls. Maya was the reason I reached out for
help. She deserved better from me.
Four months of weekly sessions with a psychiatrist cured me to some
extent: I was no longer tormented by flashbacks and nightmares every day.
The feelings of emptiness and worthlessness stayed, along with the notion
that I didn’t deserve a meaningful life. It all lingered in the pit of my
stomach, holding me back.
The flashbacks of Adam’s lifeless body in my lap still woke me up every
now and then, but the pain subsided with time. It was there, but it was
bearable. During the last four weeks, the world turned brighter. Colours
seeped in, painting vibrancy into the black and white canvas of my mind.
“I know she’s struggling,” Nick said, no annoyance left in his voice.
He wouldn’t dare question my motives after what I said, even if he still
had doubts—I was certain he did.
“I tried talking to her, but she’s not letting me in.”
There are two groups of trauma survivors: those who want to talk and
find it therapeutic, and those who keep in all in, mostly out of fear.
Nadia belonged to the second group. I did too. I refused to talk about
Adam’s death for months, and not just because I was downright scared to
relive it, but also to protect the people around me. If I told my mother I
wished I was the one to die, she would turn grey with worry. She didn’t
need to know. It was easier to hide behind a mask.
Nadia was the same. She protected Nick, too, by keeping secrets.
 “I know my brother. I can screen-write that conversation for you. I know
what he would say, and I know what impact my words would have on him.”
Just like misery, secrets like company—lies. Lies get out of control
sooner rather than later.
“I wanted to give her time and space, but it’s been four weeks!” Nick
whined, and he took his phone out of the jacket pocket. “If she won’t tell
me, maybe he will.”
“You’re going to call Adrian?” I rested my elbows on the desk. “Don’t.
You think she’ll appreciate you spying on her? You’ve got to trust her,
Nick. She will tell you eventually.”
I wanted to know what happened just as much as he did, but going
behind Nadia’s back was a stupid idea. Satisfying curiosity wasn’t worth
losing her trust.
“I need to know.” He rubbed his face, inhaling deeply, then looked at me,
the torment on his face like a bucket of water over my head.
Sometimes I forgot just how much he cared about Nadia. He would give
his right arm if it meant she would never feel sad again.
“I can’t believe she’s back in therapy,” he said, sounding defeated. “I
can’t believe it’s happening all over again. You’ve no idea what the months
after our father died were like. She was a wreck, Thomas. She was a
shadow, a teary, vulnerable mess. She built a wall and hid behind it from
everyone.” He shook his head. “Nothing, not even Dad’s death hurt me as
much as watching my sister transition from a happy, innocent teenager to a
tormented, struggling woman. I can’t do it again.” He met my gaze, shaking
his head some more. “I can’t watch her go through it again and do nothing.
It’ll fucking kill me.”
“She’s not a lost cause. She’s getting help, and she’s getting better. Can’t
you see that?”
“Better?” he scoffed. “I thought she was just upset, but then she got stuck
in her own mind at the housewarming party, and I realised just how bad
things are. She’s a much better actress now. I can’t fucking read her
anymore.” He tapped on the screen. “That’s why I need to know what
happened.”
He pressed the phone to his ear, waiting for Adrian to pick up. The in-call
volume on his phone was at the loudest setting, and I heard the ringback
tone.
 A battle raged in my head. Stay or leave? Find out now or wait for Nadia
to tell me the story?
Argh fuck.
I rose to my feet. There was no way I would risk the little trust she put in
me so far.
Thoughtfulness sucks ass.
“Hey, man, it’s Ty.” I heard and stopped in my tracks halfway to the door,
just a foot away from the chair Nick occupied. “I guess you’re after Adrian,
huh?”
“Hey, yeah,” Nick muttered. “Is he there?”
“Nah, he ain’t got his phone privileges yet. Another week before you can
talk to him.”
“Phone privileges? Where the hell is he?”
A moment of silence filled the air, broken by the rapid thudding of my
heart. I felt like a five-year-old about to disobey his parents. I wanted to
leave. Whatever was to come out of Ty’s mouth next wasn’t meant for my
ears, but my feet wouldn’t budge. I even stopped to hear better.
“Nadia didn’t tell you, huh? Damn that girl. She’s reckless.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? What happened there? What did Adrian
do?”
Nick turned around in his chair, aiming a puzzled expression at me as if
asking whether I made any sense of it.
I sure didn’t.
“If she chose not to tell you, then I won’t either, man. But I can tell you
this: Adrian is in rehab, and you can try him next weekend. Is Nadia
coming back to New York after the wedding?”
Questions multiplied in my head and on Nick’s face. His lips parted, and
I almost heard his brain work hard to connect the dots, but the picture was a
fucking abstraction.
“Not that I know,” Nick said, confusion in his tone. “Come on, Ty. Tell
me what I’m dealing with. Why did they break up?”
Ty sighed, and for a moment he must have debated whether to let Nick in
on the secret or not.
“Nadia must have a reason to keep it to herself. I just fucking hope it’s
not because she plans to come back. The best thing you can do for her is to
keep her in London. I’ll do my best to make sure Adrian doesn’t follow her.
God fucking knows they’re both self-destructive.”
 He cut the call and left us both even more confused. Instead of answers
we got more questions. Nick watched the dark screen of his cell with two
wrinkles on his forehead. I regained the feeling in my feet when my phone
chimed once. A text message waited on the screen.

I’m here.

“Nadia’s here.” I grabbed my jacket from the chair. “I’m not coming
back to the office once I drop her off.”
Nick stopped chasing his thoughts for a moment. His eyes snapped to my
face, but he was only partly present.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll see you tomorrow. And Thomas… don’t tell her I spoke
to Ty.”
I nodded once, gritting my teeth. Was withholding the truth classed as
lying? I sure hoped not.
Fucking idiot! You should have left the room when you had a chance.
Nadia was buckled up in the passenger seat when I took the wheel. She
looked tired, but a small smile touched her eyes when, ignoring the possible
onlookers, I pecked her lips.
“Hey,” I muttered, a rush of inordinate protectiveness radiating all over
my body. “How was your day?”
Despite getting no answers or even hints from Ty, unease settled over me
when he mentioned rehab. Was it alcohol? Drugs? Either way, addicts have
a way of ruining a person’s life. Their addiction drags everyone they care
about down, sucking out life and happiness, leaving a distressed shell
behind.
“Busy. You haven’t checked the car for damage,” she pointed out when
we drove out onto the main road.
I rested my hand on her thigh. “As long as you’re not damaged, I don’t
care about the state of the car.”
“Aren’t you sweet. You should work harder on the arrogant asshole
persona I heard so much about, because I kind of feel cheated. You were
supposed to be a self-absorbed douchebag, Thomas, and you’re everything
but that. What happened?”
We stopped at the traffic lights, and I turned to her, taking her hand in
mine. “You happened, baby doll.”
 A small smile was all she gave me, changing the subject to fill me in on
the band meeting, not that I cared. A Mercedes was parked outside Nadia’s
apartment, and Scorpio stood by the hood with Jane. He motioned to me
when I got out to help Nadia with the bags.
“Hey, sorry I’m late; Mel’s outdone herself again. I have been running
around the city like a headless chicken,” Nadia told Jane.
Jane pulled out a bottle of wine from behind her back. “I figured you
might need a pick-me-up.”
“I have a free house and a fridge full of beer.” Scorpio elbowed my side.
“Care to join me?”
The tone of his voice coupled with the unnatural eyebrow movement
hinted he was on a mission to find out what the deal was with me and
Naida. We hadn’t had time to catch up since the housewarming party. I
spent most of my free time with Nadia, and Scorpio must have added two
and two together.
Clever boy.
“Yeah, sure.” I followed the girls upstairs to leave the bags full of
lollipops and tea on the breakfast bar.
Nadia took out two wine glasses and left Jane to fill them, while she saw
me out. The last thing I expected was a kiss. Nadia wasn’t the one to steal
kisses from me any chance she got. She was cautious and refused to act as
if we were anything other than sex buddies.
“See you later?” she whispered, glancing over her shoulder to make sure
Jane wasn’t eavesdropping.
I pressed my lips to her forehead. “Call me when you’re done, baby.”

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 19
NADIA

Action, reaction
Every girl dreams about a best friend straight from the movies. The one
with whom you can share your deepest secrets, and she’ll always have your
back. The one you can laugh and cry with.
When you tell her you killed your husband, she grabs a shovel and pulls
an alibi out of thin air. When she’s getting married, it’s a given that you’re
the maid of honour. You’ll end up being the favourite auntie to her kids no
matter how many sisters she has.
Yeah, every girl wants a best friend straight from the movies—so did I,
except I ended up pulling the short straw and got Amelia. The horror movie
version of a bestie. The one who was the sweetest person and the
impersonation of a perfect friend right until her status changed from
girlfriend to fiancée. The engagement ring must have had some freak
magical powers and changed my beloved friend into a crazy bitch.
I couldn’t wait for the wedding to be over and done with.
She arrived at ten a.m. on Saturday morning, and turned my living room
into a make-up salon to try out different options for the big day, which, by
the way, was still four weeks away.
That would be fine if she meant her own make-up. But no, Mel meant the
bridesmaids’ make-up. Two make-up artists followed her in, and no more
than twenty minutes later, four bridesmaids arrived. For some reason,
Amelia thought I wouldn’t mind having seven women in my apartment. I
didn't even own enough cups to make them coffee and had to jog to the
nearby cafe for take-away lattes.
“Do you complicate things on purpose or just by accident?” I asked three
hours and seven make-up options later.
“What suits one won’t necessarily suit the other. Jane has blue eyes, so
the blues suit her, but not Alex because she has dark hair.”
It made little sense to me, but Mel’s exasperation kept my mouth shut.
The make-up artists worked hard to create something delicate but visible
that would satisfy the future bride and suit four girls.
They couldn’t know what they signed up for when they agreed to work
for Mel. She was never an easy-going person, and the upcoming wedding
made her much, much worse.
“I’ll make your life a little easier,” I said to Alice, one of the make-up
artists, when Amelia left the room for a moment. “Forget greens, blues and
pinks. Stick to grey, black and maybe champagne, but nothing too
extravagant.”
She nodded and returned to creating another masterpiece. Two hours and
five more make-up options later we had a winner—classic smoky eye and
coral lipstick.
Well, I could have done that.
It was past three in the afternoon before everyone except Mel left. The
focused, annoyed looked on her face told me she stayed to make my
afternoon miserable.
“Whatever it is you’re not happy about…”
“How much longer do you plan on sleeping with Thomas?” she cut in,
crossing her arms. “I can’t keep lying to Nick, and he doesn’t shut up about
you two.”
“Weren’t you the one who encouraged me to sleep with him again?” I
handed her a cup of steaming coffee.
She should have been thankful that I loved her or else she would suffer
from second-degree burns.
“I thought you would both be done by now! It doesn’t look like just sex
from where I’m standing. He gave you his car for the day! Do you have any
idea how much Nick whined about that? I’m sick and tired of listening to
how much Thomas is going to regret it if he hurts you. God, you’re all he
talks about. If he’s not angry about you spending time with Thomas, he’s
whining that you don’t trust him because you still haven’t told us why you
dumped Adrian.” She took a sip of the coffee and hissed when she burned
her tongue.
I kind of cheered inside.
Karma’s a bitch.
“Tell him,” she spat out. “If you can’t tell him the truth, then make
something up. I don’t care.”
Expecting Mel to be pleased about my deal with Thomas or the fact I
kept secrets was wishful thinking, but never in a million years would I have
expected to hear mockery in her voice. It stung. Hell, it hurt. We stood by
each other since day one in primary school, but it looked like a lot had
changed in the two years of my absence.
“Do go on. I see you’ve got something to add. You think you know why I
broke up with Adrian? Or why I didn’t tell you?”
She raised her chin, looking me in the eyes. “I think Adrian met someone
else, cheated on you or just got bored. I think you’re blowing it out of
proportion because you’re ashamed. Do you know why I think that?
Because you slept with Thomas hours after you met him.”
My mouth fell open. I wondered if she really thought so, or if she tried to
hurt me because she was jealous that Nick focused on me instead of her.
More than once in the past we got into stupid fights when Nick and I spent
too much time together.
Amelia was territorial. Half the time I understood her, but this time she
should have shut up. Instead, I was the one left speechless; dumbstruck
even. My body shuddered with anger, and all the reasons why she was
wrong danced on the tip of my tongue. I swallowed hard to stay calm. This
was neither the time nor place to scream my mind.
It wasn’t really what she thought for sure. She was just overwhelmed
with the wedding plans, and Nick unloading on her tipped the scales. I
couldn’t even blame her for pointing out I slept with Thomas on the first
night we met, though she was never the judgmental type.
I took a packet of cigarettes from the table. “You know where the door
is.”
Not waiting for more venom to spew from her mouth, I walked out to the
balcony, angry tears in the corners of my eyes.
The door to my apartment slammed shut less than a minute later. It had
been a while since we argued, but it was the first time I felt like I didn’t
belong here anymore. Maybe I was too damaged; too different. Maybe I
changed too much to fit in with my family.
Maybe I could only truly fit in with the man who turned my life upside
down in the best and worst way.
Two cigarettes did nothing to calm me down. Flashbacks started the
second I glanced at the painting in the living room, and soon enough I
swallowed two pills of diazepam. I laid on the couch, staring into the
distance. And once again, instead of remembering the bad times, I recalled
the good ones. I recalled every time Adrian made me feel like I could
conquer the world; every time he told me there was nothing more important
in his life than me; every kiss, and every whispered I love you.
It wasn’t fair. He hurt me beyond forgiveness, but my mind refused to let
the truth sink in.
“You haven’t locked the door again,” Thomas said hours later.
The sun already set, and it was getting dark outside. I looked away from
the screen of my laptop to find him entering the living room, a bottle of
wine in hand. A familiar warmth wrapped itself around me, chasing away
the demons. If he knew what effect he had on me, he would never come
near me again. It was crazy the way his presence soothed my tormented
mind and healed the scars and bruises. Temporarily—yes, but even those
short moments were steps taken in the right direction.
“I never do.” I watched him hang his jacket on the back of the chair.
Last week he lectured me about safety. “London’s not a safe place, baby
doll. Lock the door,” he said. It went in one ear and out the other. You
would think after the abuse I suffered; I would be obsessed with locking the
doors and triple checking that they’re locked.
After the first few fights with Adrian came a phase of locking myself in
the bathroom or locking him out of the dorm room, but then I learnt that
Adrian’s wrath grew proportionally to the time he had to wait for me to
come out.
“Wine?” I eyed the bottle he held.
“I heard you and Mel had a fight.” He frowned when he noticed the box
of Diazepam on the coffee table next to a cup of peppermint tea. “Why
didn’t you call me?”
I bit the inside of my cheek, a familiar warmth spreading in my chest. He
was so … unfair acting thoughtful and sweet.
“It’s nothing. I’m fine.”
The wrinkles on his forehead deepened. He crossed the room, took a seat,
and pulled me onto his lap. A forceful, but calm kiss followed, soothing my
senses. I loved the way he held me flush against him, weaving one hand
into my hair while devouring my mouth as if it was his favourite part of the
day.
“Don’t lie. Mel was in tears when she came back home. I was helping
Nick set up the new barbeque, and Mel said she had been a right bitch to
you…” He shook his head. “She’s really upset.”
 And so was he. We met a few weeks ago, but it was enough for me to
learn how to read his mind. He was worried. The way he held me; the look
on his face; the tone of his voice—everything betrayed him.
“Kiss me again.” I ghosted my fingers over his cheekbones.
No hesitation. No second thoughts.
Action, reaction.
His tongue teased my bottom lip before he deepened the kiss, tilting my
head to the side, and letting out all the air from his lungs. There was
nowhere else I would rather be.
I pecked his nose and hid my face in the crook of his neck, “I know she’s
under a lot of pressure, and Nick isn’t helping. He’s freaking out about me
and you, and about me and Adrian, and Mel had enough of being the third
wheel while her fiancée only worries and talks about me lately… But she
said some things she can’t take back.”
Thomas stroked my back in a repetitive motion, pressing his lips to my
temple. “Why didn’t you call me? I told you I’ll be here whenever you need
me.”
I kissed his jaw. “Because you’re not my personal antidote, Thomas. I’m
doing well without the pills because you’re around, but …”
He scoffed, gripping my wrist and pushing me away far enough to look
me in the eyes. “If you say you shouldn’t rely on me like that, I’ll flip. Be
selfish. Please be selfish. Focus on yourself. Take what you need, and don’t
look back.”
As if it were so easy. I wanted to be selfish, but it proved impossible
when Thomas, despite saying that he used me as much as I used him, acted
selfless. He put me, my well-being and happiness on a pedestal, and I
wanted to do the same and return the favour somehow, even though I had
no idea what ghosts hid in his closet.
“You never told me what happened to you.” I returned to the previous
position. “Why did you end up a bitter-sweet asshole who favours
meaningless sex with those perfect blondes?”
His muscles tensed under my fingertips. For the longest time, he
remained silent, probably relieving whatever happened. I wanted to kick my
own ass for asking. I wriggled out of his embrace, cupped his face and
pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.
We were past the friends-with-benefits stage, but neither of us were ready
to admit it yet. We helped each other and slowly, but surely, we were losing
ourselves in what drew and held us together.
“When you’re ready to talk, I’ll listen,” I said, and tried to get up, but he
dug his fingers into my thighs to keep me in place.
“So will I.”
Something in his eyes, the kind of vulnerability I knew all too well,
pushed me to play a dangerous game.
“What’s worse,” I whispered, “pain or fear?”
He didn’t blink as if afraid to miss my reaction. “Pain.”
“Fear,” I countered, hinting too much. “It lasts longer.”
“Fear is just a reaction. It’s the product of your own thoughts.”
“Maybe, but the reason behind the fear is real.”
“Danger and pain are real. Fear is just a great illusion. Everything you
want is waiting on the other side of fear. Are you afraid of Adrian?”
I shook my head, afraid that Thomas would draw his own conclusions.
He knew too much already, and being a perceptive guy, he could figure out
the reason why I came back home early. He didn’t need more hints, but the
look on his face told me he didn’t believe me.
“Okay, so if he walked through the door right now, and saw us here
together, what would your first reaction be?”
I stared at him, surprised and annoyed at him for breaking the rules. He
agreed not to ask questions. I got up, and took the bottle of wine with me,
heading to the kitchen, but stopped in the doorway. The answer rolled off
my tongue before I thought it through.
“That depends whether or not he would walk in sober.”
Thomas’s head snapped to me, his eyes wide, eyebrow raised. I gave him
no time to reply, disappearing around the corner. I filled two glasses with
the wine Thomas brought, my heart bruising my ribcage with irregular
beats. He was closer to the truth than anyone else, and the trust I put in him
surprised me the most.
The burning need to let him in on the secret was something I hadn’t
expected. Speaking about what happened would start a chain of events I
didn’t want to be a part of.
“Sober?” Thomas asked when I came back.
He outstretched his hands, pulling me right back onto his lap. I straddled
him and found his lips, hungry for the safety he offered. The way his hands
caressed my face and neck had me longing for more.
 I bit on his lower lip, then leaned back to grab the wine. I sipped a little,
then let him drink from my glass.
“Drugs. He’s in rehab now.”
I cut the conversation short, sliding off Thomas’s lap and opening the
laptop. He scooted closer, wrapped his arm around my stomach, and kissed
the nape of my neck.
“What are you doing?” He glanced at the screen. “Bachelorette party
planning?”
“Yes, and I could use your help. Mel said Barcelona is your go-to
weekend break. Do you happen to know any male strip clubs out there?”
Thomas sat up, his body stiff; jaw tight. It looked like a battle raged in
his head, and I couldn’t understand what got him from calm to annoyed in a
matter of seconds.
“Strip club? You think that’s a good idea?”
I turned back to the screen. “I couldn’t care less, but Mel is counting on
it. Besides, it’s not like the bachelor party won’t have strippers, so it’s only
fair we get to watch men take their clothes off.”
Thomas rose to his feet to pace the living room. I frowned, watching the
anger dance in his eyes.
“It’s not safe,” he muttered. “They’re all drunk and high and…” He
crouched down beside me. “I’ll be a thousand miles away, baby. I won’t be
able to help you if something goes wrong. You need to stay safe, and a male
strip-club isn’t a safe place.”
My heart swelled a little. There was nothing sexier than a man worrying
about his girl.
You’re not his.
True. It was hard to remember when Thomas acted protective. I took his
hand and laced our fingers.
“No need to worry. I want a big, organised show. A friend of mine went
to one last year, and she said it’s fun and safe. Maybe Mel will get lucky
enough and get to join them on stage. Apparently, they take a few girls to
cover their manly parts with baby lotion and then they splash it all over the
room.”
Thomas’s face told me I shared too much information.
“What if they want you to go on stage with them?” he growled, getting
up to pace some more. “I told you I won’t share you. You’re with me, and
…”
 “No. I’m not. I only sleep with you. It’s just sex! You have no right to
dictate what I can and can’t do. You don’t get to control me!”

“That’s it,” Adrian stood in the middle of the room, while I hid in the
corner, my lip bleeding. “You don’t fucking leave this dorm room without
me, understood?! Every fucking douche bag on campus wants to get in your
pants!”
Tears were absent. I only cried the first few times Adrian took out his
paranoia and rage on me. Then I stopped crying. I stopped fighting too.
There was no point to it, he was stronger; he always won.
I wiped my mouth with my sleeve. “Okay.”
It did nothing to appease Adrian. There was no pattern to his behaviour.
Words and actions that calmed him down last time were just as easily
infuriating him the next time he came back home high. I couldn’t prepare,
because I never knew what was coming.
The one constant was the reason behind his anger—me, or the mere idea
of any guy getting anywhere near me. His territoriality got out of control,
and Adrian sank deeper and deeper into the madness.
He took a few steps toward me, then caught my wrist and pinned me to
the wall, closing five fingers around my throat.
“I’m not fucking kidding!” He squeezed harder. “You don’t leave unless
I’m with you.”

Warm hands rested on both sides of my head; long fingers disappeared in

my hair. I blinked a few times, coming out of the memory. Thomas
crouched in front of me, nothing short of worry in his cinnamon irises.
“It’s not just sex,” he said, “but I am sorry. I don’t want to boss you
around. That is not what I’m trying to do; I’m just worried.”
“I know.” I rested my forehead on his, letting him wrap his arms around
me. “And I know why you’re still here despite me proving time and time
again that I’m not all there, but I’ll pretend I don’t.”
“Whatever you need.” He sat back down, taking the laptop with him. “I
know a place that organises male strip shows.”
That was the first evening we spent together and didn’t have sex. We
drank the wine, organised the bachelorette party, and then we just laid there,
talking until I fell asleep with my head nestled in the crook of his neck.
OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 20
NADIA

Asking for trouble

“Mum called last night. She asked about you.” Nick looked at me from the
driver’s seat of his Ranger Rover.
We were on our way to C&G Records. It only took him five weeks to
find time to show me around the place and let me meet some of the stars he
and Thomas mentored.
I was excited, and annoyed too, because Thomas was on his way to the
airport. He was flying over to Madrid for a few days. He had a meeting
scheduled with a woman who wanted to sell her belated husband’s
independent record label. It was nice of him to show up early in the
morning to say goodbye, but since he left my apartment, my mood had been
deteriorating. I had gotten used to his presence and now had to survive
almost four days without his help.
I prepared for many topics when I took the passenger seat in my brother’s
car—Thomas, Adrian, even my argument with Mel, but not our mother,
Karen.
We hadn’t spoken for three years, and I didn’t plan to change that any
time soon. Or ever, to be honest. I had no respect for the woman, and I still
couldn’t believe that Nick forgave her for what she did at my eighteenth
birthday party.
“Will she be at the wedding?” I asked, knowing it was a stupid question.
Nick didn’t despise her, and it was a given that one of the two-hundred
and fifty giftbags was for Karen.
“Of course she is. Nadia, don’t you think it’s time to let it go?”
Not the first time we had that conversation. Any mentioning of Karen
always ended in a fight between us but not today. I had enough going on
without adding the slutty, cheating, poor-excuse-for-a-mother to the
equation. She wasn’t worth it.
“Why did you forgive her? I mean, he was your friend! I’m fuming at the
very thought of seeing her face.”
 “I haven’t forgiven her, but after a while I learnt to live with it. She’s still
our mother. Do you really want to pretend for the rest of your life that she
doesn’t exist?”
That was the plan. Nick’s wedding was the first and last time I had to
face her since Dad’s funeral. She sure as hell wouldn’t be invited to my
wedding.
I sighed and turned away to look out the window. “I keep seeing the look
on Dad’s face when he saw them.”
Arthur Grimwald was amazing. He considered his family his biggest
accomplishment and gave Nick and me all the attention and love he could
muster. Karen was his muse, the love of his life and his winning lottery
ticket. He never failed to make her feel special and loved. We were a perfect
family—the kind you only see in movies.
That was until the night of my eighteenth birthday when Karen cheated
on Dad with Jake—Nick’s friend, and my crush. Dad found them in one of
the guest bedrooms when it was time to serve the cake.
Needless to say, the party was ruined, and Karen’s stuff started flying out
the windows. Within a month they were divorced, and Dad was devastated.
He couldn’t move on. The only reason he kept it together was for me and
Nick, but I knew that Karen destroyed him. Less than a year later, he died
of a heart attack.
My world fell to pieces that day. I blamed Karen, and my hatred grew
stronger. She was pure evil, and nothing could change it, because nothing
could ever bring Dad back.
“Just let her explain. You never gave her the chance to,” Nick said.
“I’ll think about it.”
I wouldn’t, but lying was the fastest way to get Nick to drop the subject.
He raised an eyebrow and was right to disbelieve me. There was no point in
listening to Karen’s excuses, because what she did was inexcusable.
Nothing justified cheating. Nothing.
We turned right off the main road, and Nick parked the car in the
Managing Directors spot, right next to Thomas’s BMW. A small smile
crossed my lips. He hadn’t left yet.
We walked inside through a set of glass doors which led to a spacious
lobby. A reception desk stood in the middle of the room occupied by the
receptionist—a stunning blonde who greeted us with a dazzling smile on
her thin, red lips. She wore a tight-fitted, grey dress that accentuated her
extra-long legs which complimented the platinum blond waves.
“Caroline Michaels.” She extended her arm to me.
“Nadia Grimwald.”
She looked like a model. A blue-eyed, blonde model. Thomas’s
perfection. My imagination got to work, creating images of the two of them
together. I pushed them to the back of my mind. Thomas wouldn’t sleep
with others while we had our deal.
No, he was a decent guy.
We walked down a long corridor, and my head darted from one wall to
another. Platinum CD’s and Grammy awards hung exhibited in frames. The
abundance of famous names made me dizzy. We reached another reception
where two black desks stood outside of two pairs of doors. It looked like
Nick and Thomas had private assistants.
Nick settled for a young guy, who rose to his feet, when he saw us
approach. He flashed me a smile, and took a notepad and a pen, acting like
a waiter.
“Can I get you a coffee?”
“Sure.” The cheeky side of my personality made an entrance. “A tall,
extra shot, extra-hot, extra-whip, sugar-free vanilla latte please.”
The smile slipped from his lips, but he forced it right back on, scribbling
in the notepad. “No problem, I’ll just be…” He scratched his head. “I’ll be
just a moment.”
“Relax, Anthony.”
We heard, and my insides fluttered.
“She’s messing with you. Black coffee, one sugar for Nadia, and the
usual for us.”
“Sorry,” I muttered to Anthony, then turned to Thomas. “Weren’t you
supposed to be on your way to the airport right now?”
“Don’t tell me she sold the label to someone else,” Nick asked.
“No, but she rang to say she can’t meet me for lunch, and it’ll have to be
dinner. Marie re-booked my flights.” He looked at his assistant and
frowned. “Manners, Marie,” he clipped.
She tore her round ass from the chair, and I wished she had stayed seated.
High heels, a hour-glass figure, boobs twice the size of mine, and a skirt
that covered the strategic parts only.
 I glanced down, embarrassed by the plain, yellow skater dress and heeled
sandals that made me look about fifteen.
“We might as well start now and come back in a bit for the coffee,” Nick
said, backing out to the main corridor. “Right, so this is what our recording
studios look like. They’re all occupied now, but Aaron agreed for you to
watch him work.” Nick opened the door to studio number three and let me
in first.
Goosebumps covered every inch of my skin when I heard the voice I
loved. The guy behind the glass wall was about my age, and though he
lacked good looks, his voice compensated. He had that raspy flow as if he
smoked three packets a day for the last eighty years. The song ended, and
he looked up, a broad smile on his lips. He jumped off the chair, appearing
much shorter than I expected.
“Hi, I’m Aaron. You must be the boss’s sister. Nadia, is it? It’s great to
meet you. I hear you like my music.” He spoke faster than a machine gun.
“I heard a lot about you, but Nicholas forgot to mention how stunning you
are.”
“Thank you.” My cheeks heated to a faint shade of pink. “I loved what I
heard. You have an incredible voice.”
“Oh, do you want to hear more? You can stay here for a while, and I can
sing something for you.” His straightforwardness was adorable.
“We just started the tour, but I might take you up on the offer when we’re
done.”
He winked and walked back to the recording booth when we turned to
leave. We toured the building some more, but nothing was as exciting as
hearing Aaron sing, and half an hour later, we entered Nick’s office to drink
the lukewarm coffees.
“Your taxi is here, sir.” Marie stood in the doorway, focused on Thomas.
She batted her eyelashes, making my stomach sink.
The thought of the two of them sharing an intimate moment flashed in
my head like a nasty fin out of the water. The not-knowing hung in the air
like smoke, halving the capacity of my lungs.
No. No, okay? He’s not that guy.
I turned to Thomas, breathed out a sigh of relief. He kept his eyes trained
on me instead of his pretty assistant.
“Come on, baby doll.” Thomas grabbed his travel bag and rose from the
chair. “We’ll have a smoke, and I’ll get going.”
 “Don’t call her that,” Nick spat out.
We let his attitude slide, and walked out of the room, through the long,
bright corridors and then outside, turning left toward the smoking area. The
taxi was parked in front of the concrete steps which led inside the building,
and an older man sat behind the wheel, flicking through his phone. Thomas
lit up a Zippo, then rested his back against the wall, and caught my hand.
“Stop it,” I hissed, but a smile ruined the effect.
“Nick can’t see us from my office.”
He tugged harder, making me take a step forward and rest against his
side. We were asking for trouble.
“Maybe, but he’s not the only one here, and news travels fast.”
A cloud of smoke hid his handsome face for a second, and then he leaned
forward devouring my lips in an affectionate kiss. I loved it when he kissed
me out in public. It felt more intimate somehow. The possibility of being
caught made my heart race.
“Call me if you need me.” He kissed my head. “And call me if you don’t
need me too.” From the back pocket of his pants, he took out the keys to his
BMW. “I’ll pick it up on Thursday when I land.”
“You just want an excuse to come over straight from the airport.” I
pecked his chin. “No excuse needed. Call me when you land.”
He dropped the cigarette in the ashtray, then grabbed his travel bag and
kissed me again. “I will, baby.”
Two minutes later the taxi drove away, and I made my way back inside
the building. Nick talked to his assistant out in the reception area outside of
his office. Marie walked past me, heading in the direction of the restroom,
and both Anthony and Nick watched her, cringing.
“It must be some kind of a record,” Anthony chuckled.
“It sure is. Either that, or he realized there’s only a certain number of
blondes in London and decided to keep Marie for longer.”
“You might be onto something, boss. I know he asked her to stay after
hours three or four days after she started working here.”
I joined them, feeling an onset of nausea. Their conversation confirmed
what I suspected since we entered the building—Thomas was sleeping with
his assistant. He said he wouldn’t share me with anyone, and I assumed it
worked both ways. Apparently not.
“Did he? I wish he would quit fucking them in the office.”
 Anthony took an empty cup and stood up. “At least he waited till the end
of the day this time.” He looked at me, a smile on his young face. “Can I
get you another coffee, Nadia?”
“No.” I cleared my throat. “No, thank you. I’ll get going, I have
somewhere to be.”
Nick’s hand on my shoulder made me shudder. I couldn’t focus on
anything other than Thomas and Marie. His hands on her hips; her lips on
his neck; his dark eyes watching her come beneath him.
“Are you okay? You’re pale, sis. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’m fine, but I need to go, James is waiting.”
He wasn’t, but I had to run before I burst into tears. I kissed Nick’s cheek
and rushed down the corridor, my eyes watering more with every step
closer to the door as if it represented the end of casual sex.

***

I never felt like an artist, but since early days I loved the smell of pastels
on my hands, the vivid colours and images that spilled from my imagination
and filled a blank canvas with a part of my soul.
As a child, I used to fill notebooks with scribbles, and got quite good at
drawing before I was ten. For my twelfth birthday, Dad bought me a set of
acrylic paints, professional brushes and canvases, and the minute the brush
touched the canvas, I felt at home. Years later, painting was still the main
thing that helped me clear my thoughts.
But not this time.
I stood in front of the canvas for two hours, hoping to forget about
Thomas and the blondes. Unsuccessfully. My mind was filled with the
images of Thomas worshiping the blondes in his bed, car and on his desk.
The painting looked like I bled on it.
I threw the brush aside, made a hole in the canvas with my fist and went
downstairs to turn off the phone. Thomas rang every few minutes, but I
wasn’t ready to talk. Regret turned to anger, and I was just mad now. Mad at
him for messing with my feelings; mad at myself for the feelings and mad
for agreeing to the stupid no-strings-attached deal in the first place.
Drama queen much?
Hell yes. Aren’t we all?
 Apart from Anthony’s words, there was no hard evidence to prove
Thomas slept with Marie, but it didn’t stop me from feeling cheated. And
the worst part was that I only had myself to blame, and now I had to find
the safest way out of the situation.
The phone rang again, but this time it wasn’t Thomas. It was Amelia.
“Hey,” I said surprised she decided to end the silent treatment.
She wasn’t the kind to apologise first or admit to being wrong.
“Look at that! Your phone works,” she mocked, unaware it fueled the
fire. “In that case, can I find out why you’re not picking up from Thomas?”
Irony covered her words like honey and the countdown on the bomb that I
was ticked faster. “He just called, asking me to check on you. Trouble in
paradise?”
I pulled a bottle of white wine and one glass from the cupboard. I
couldn’t be more pathetic if I tried.
“I don’t want to talk to him.”
“And you can’t tell him that? You’re adults, damn it, so act like it.” She
sighed and her attitude changed. “He’s worried, Nadia.” Cue in the
patronising tone. “He’s worried. I have never heard him like that. He’s
going crazy just because you missed his call! You won’t convince me it’s
just sex. Why are you ignoring him? What did he do?”
I shrugged, aware she couldn’t see me. “Nothing. At least nothing I
should be mad about.” I collapsed on the couch and hung my head low. “I
saw Marie today, and then heard Nick and Anthony talking. Looks like
Thomas is sleeping with her.” A jab of anger jolted me upright. “I’m so
pissed off! He didn’t promise me anything. It was supposed to be just sex,
and it was so why do I feel cheated?!”
“I told you he’s not a monogamist, honey.”
She just had to get the “I told you so” out of her system or else she would
get ill. At least she tried to conceal the condescending tone. It didn’t work,
but I gave her a few brownie points for trying.
“I know. I remember.” I filled the glass to the brim, then shoved half of
its contents at the back of my throat as if it were vodka. “I thought we were
exclusive. I know I was.”
I fell back and hugged a pillow, staring at the Puppeteer piece on the
wall. Once again I felt like I gave up on Adrian too soon.
“Ladies night!” Mel exclaimed. “You need a girl’s night out. I can’t
today, but we’ll go to Vertigo tomorrow. You can drown the sorrows in
tequila.”
A small laugh was my first answer. A few shots wouldn’t help me forget
that Thomas was my antidote. I wasn’t even sure if I was more upset about
losing him or the peace he offered. The latter was more probable.
Maybe it wasn’t a bad idea to call it quits. He was a playboy but he still
deserved more than someone as wounded as me. It was cruel to keep him
close, expecting that he could piece me together when half of the elements
were missing.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 21
NADIA

Thanks, but no thanks

Nick parked the Range Rover outside of Vertigo, and Amelia jumped
out of the car, grinning as if it were Christmas Day.
“We’ll get a taxi back.” She blew him a kiss.
“No, you won’t. Call me when you’re done. I’ll pick you up. And take
care, okay?”
We nodded and waved, then closed the door, urging him to go home and
enjoy a few hours of peace and quiet. He deserved an evening without Mel
more than anyone.
We entered the fancy cocktail bar, greeted by an overdressed bouncer. He
looked ready for an Oscars ceremony. Jazz music filled the spacious room,
creating a relaxed background noise for quiet conversations. Mel blended
with the crowd in a fashionable emerald green dress and too much
jewellery. Nick had spoiled her rotten over the past two years, and she
owned enough bling-bling to rival a small jewellery shop. I settled for a
black, tailored, sweetheart neck jumpsuit for a change. I liked skirts and
dresses, but sometimes I didn’t want to watch the way I sit.
Brown leather sofas surrounded small tables and framed pictures of
London by night hung on the walls covered in red wallpaper. A couple of
pool tables and dart boards were at the back; a long bar was to the left.
“A bottle of tequila, please.” I rested my elbows on the counter and
pulled a bank card from my clutch bag.
The bartender sized up Amelia and me, doubting we could manage a
bottle by ourselves. Drinking wasn’t the problem; it was getting up
afterward that posed a challenge.
Mel took the tray with shot glasses and tequila and left me to grab the salt
and a bowl full of lemon slices. We sat on high chairs by the window, and
Mel filled the silence with Nick’s opinion on the flowers and menu choices
while I gathered my thoughts.
 “I’m beyond confused, Mel,” I interrupted her monologue about pink
orchids, focusing on a small scratch on the table, above the metal plaque
with number seven. “I won’t tell you everything, but I’ll try to paint part of
the picture so you can understand me better and give me some advice.
Okay?”
She draped her red hair over one shoulder. “You know I’ll listen
whenever you want to talk.”
I wanted to fill her in about everything but couldn’t find a reason that
would justify breaking her heart a few weeks ahead of the wedding. She
loved me, and knowing what Adrian did would affect her almost as much as
it would affect my brother.
“There are a lot of things that came together to tip the scales, forcing me
to leave Adrian. They say the fault is always on both sides, but not in this
case. We fell apart because of him.” I massaged my temples chasing away
the memories. “I wasn’t in a good place when I left London, but he helped
me through the mourning. Now that I’m back I’m worse than when I left
and it’s all Adrian’s fault.”
A bitter, sad chuckle left my lips. “I’m ashamed of not dealing with it
better. I’m ashamed of the anxiety, the panic attacks and the fear that puts
my life on hold. I’m taking steps in the right direction though. James sorted
through my meds, and I’m no longer swallowing pills like candy. It’s a
start.”
Mel listened with growing concern visible in her green eyes. She chewed
on her bottom lip, fidgeting. “What meds?”
“Just diazepam and sleeping pills now.”
I pointed at the bottle of tequila, encouraging her to fill the shot glasses.
She looked like she needed a few extra rounds to absorb the information.
“I have panic attacks; I can’t control my emotions … The list goes on,
but I think you get what I mean.”
She nodded, her eyes wider than normal. “Why didn’t you tell me
before? I would have helped you sooner! I don’t know how, but we’ll come
up with something. You can’t deal with this alone.”
Another bitter chuckle left my lips, and I threw the disgusting liquor at
the back of my throat.
“That’s the trouble—I’m not alone. I have Thomas. He’s the only person
whose proximity doesn’t alarm me, whose touch I don’t mind.”
 Mel drew her eyebrows together. “You’re bothered when someone
touches you?”
Her reaction to the little information I shared proved that keeping the
truth to myself was a good choice. It already hurt me to see the worry and
pain in her eyes, and if she found out that Adrian used me as his punching
bag for months, she would break down. She didn’t need that. I didn’t need
that, not when I was getting back on track.
“It’s surreal, I know. When Thomas is with me, I’m not afraid. And if
that’s not enough, after those few weeks with him I see a change even when
he’s not around. I sleep and function better.”
Shame burned my cheeks. Admitting to helplessness wasn’t pleasant.
There was a time in my life when I couldn’t understand why people were
depressed. How was it possible that they couldn’t talk themselves out of
sadness or couldn’t control their emotions?
Dad’s death and Adrian’s abuse taught me a vital lesson—a mind could
become a prison, letting fear destroy a person from the inside out.
I nudged Mel who seemed lost in thought.
“It’s too much to process so quickly,” she uttered. “I don’t know where to
start! I’m so damn sorry that you feel this way, and I want you to know that
I’m here for you. I’ll do whatever I can to help.”
Mel couldn’t just wave a wand to make the negative emotions go away—
even Thomas couldn’t. He could only dial down the screams in my head. It
wasn’t a cure, but it was a powerful form of therapy nonetheless.
“I know. I’m sorry that I’m only telling you now and that it’s still not
everything, but it’s difficult.”
Amelia sighed and squeezed my hand. “You told Nick he didn’t, but I
need to ask again. Did Adrian cheat on you? You can tell me, babe.”
Another opportunity to take the easy way out went to hell, but this time I
said “no” not because I hadn’t thought better of it, but because I had. Hiding
behind lies would hurt them even more if the truth ever saw daylight. Many
things could be said about Adrian but not that he was a cheater. He loved
me. He loved me more than anything and would never touch another
woman. It would be unfair to accuse him of something he didn’t do.
“Okay, I had to know. As for Thomas…” She toyed with the engagement
ring. “He has been different since he met you. He tries to upkeep the carless
image when he’s with Nick, but he’s not fooling anyone. Nick sees right
through him but refuses to admit to himself that there’s something going on
between you and Thomas.”
“It’s just sex, Mel.”
That was a blatant lie, but just like Nick, I wasn’t ready to admit it to
anyone, not even myself.
She smirked, shaking her head. “Not to him. We talked for an hour
yesterday. It’s the longest conversation I had with him to date. You got
under his skin more than you think.”
“Not enough if he can’t give up the perfect blondes, and I’m not going to
be one of many.”
Mel took her phone out to show me a text message from Thomas.

Remember to call me when you’re done.

“Why does he want you to call?” I asked as I searched for a big piece of
lemon in the bowl.
“Because he wants to know you got home safe. I can’t believe I’m saying
this, but I’m pretty sure Thomas is a monogamist now. He has been since
you came back from New York.” A grin stretched her lips making it hard
not to smile. “Call him. I know you want to. He called me five times today
to check on you. He’s worried and miserable.”
So was I. Instead of telling him we were over, I ignored his calls, afraid
to push him away, afraid that I would never let him go, and afraid that fear
would win every time. It wasn’t fair to Thomas.
Cheating was the one thing I wouldn’t forgive, but it was hard to talk
about cheating when I had no evidence.
And can you even cheat on someone you’re just sleeping with?
“Did you tell him why I’m not answering his calls?”
Amelia turned pink. “I’m sorry. I snapped. No one can treat you like the
third wheel!” She slammed her fists on the table and dropped them to her
lap. “I shouted at him a little,” she added, her voice small.
“Shouted a little” in Mel’s dictionary translated to “screamed her head
off, swearing and threatening to castrate him”. There weren’t many people
worthy of Amelia’s protectiveness, but those who were got a bodyguard
straight from hell. If she could, she would tear apart everyone who dared to
say one foul word about the people she loved.
“Come on, call him. Please. Do it for me,” she whined.
 “Change of sides again?”
She blushed harder. “For the last time now. I’ll be rooting for you two the
way you rooted for me and Nick. I swear.”
We drank another shot, and I rested my forehead on the cool table. If it
weren’t for the tequila, I would have spent a few more hours overanalysing,
but José pushed my overthinking to the side.
“Get another bottle to go, call Nick and meet me outside.”
She saluted, gathered her things and walked away to the bar. Tequila
whooshed in my head when I stood. I didn’t feel drunk, but my lack of
coordination proved otherwise.
I stopped around the corner and rested against the wall, a cigarette in-
between my lips.
A phone call to Thomas while tequila spoke for me wasn’t the best idea,
but a decision once made shouldn’t be questioned. I pressed the phone to
my ear and exhaled a cloud of grey smoke.
“Hey sweetie, why are you here alone?” A tall blond guy in rimless
glasses appeared in front of me. “I’m Max. Pretty girls like you aren’t safe
here. You could get hurt.”
“Are you hitting on me?” José spoke through me fearless and arrogant.
Stupid, too. His words didn’t hint he was into me. “Thanks, but no thanks.”
“What are you talking about?” Thomas said to my ear.
Max took my hand. “You had too much to drink, didn’t you? You
shouldn’t be alone.”
I snatched my hand free and anxiety arrived acting better than smelling
salts. “Don’t touch me.”
“Nadia, what’s wrong, baby? Who’s there?” Thomas asked.
I turned on my heel, ready to leave, but I stepped on a pebble, twisted my
ankle and fell face first on the pavement.
So very gracious.
The phone slipped from my hand and bounced off the curb, landing on
the road, and the screen turned black.
“No need to do that.” Max took my arm to help me up, then gathered my
phone off the street and handed it back. “I’m genuinely just trying to look
out for you. You’re very pretty, and a bit drunk, and we both know this city
is full of idiots.” He bent down and pressed his fingers to my ankle. “Tell
me if it hurts.”
“It doesn’t.” I moved my leg back. “Who are you?”
 He smiled, showing off a row of immaculate, white teeth. A blue t-shirt
hugged his back, and an expensive-looking watch was on his wrist.
“I’m Max. And you are …?”
“Nadia!” Amelia screamed, rounding the corner with a bottle of tequila
in one hand and a phone to her ear. “Oh my God,” she panted, zeroing in on
the guy beside me. “Oh my God!”
She tucked the bottle in her bag and shoved her phone in there too,
disconnecting the call and gawking at Max.
“Nadia,” Max repeated, testing the word. “It’s French, isn’t it?”
“You’re …” Mel stuttered, her eyes shining. “You’re Max Gawn!”
He smirked under his nose, then turned his attention to an exhilarated
Amelia. “Yes I am. And who are you?”
“I’m your biggest fan! Amelia Roberts, soon to be Grimwald.”
I stifled a laugh. She was one of a kind.
I studied Max’s face—he must have been famous—but for the life of me,
I had no idea who he was. An actor? A singer? A news presenter? You
would think Mel would be used to famous people by now. She was
surrounded by them daily.
“I saw all your movies! You’re amazing!” she continued.
An actor. Okay.
Mel rummaged through her bag and fished out a notepad and a pen. “Can
I please have an autograph?”
Max chuckled again. “Sure. You must be the first person in forever who
hadn’t asked for a picture.”
She face-palmed herself, her cheeks pink. “Picture, or it didn’t happen,”
she muttered to herself. “Can I have a picture too?”
Max signed a blank page in the notepad, then wrapped his arm around
my swooning friend, and let her take more selfies than necessary. She
stepped away, flushed and bothered.
Nick wouldn’t approve.
“What a coincidence! I mean, I know you live here, but this is crazy!”
The sound of a large engine halted their conversation. A black Mercedes
rounded the corner and tyres squealed when it stopped by the curb right in
front of us. Scorpio shot out from the driver’s seat, leaving the door open
and engine running. His eyes roamed over my body as if looking for
injuries.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
 “What do you think? I’m making sure Thomas doesn’t fucking sprint
back here. What the hell happened? He’s losing his shit. Why aren’t you
picking up from him?” he asked Mel.
The pink shade to her cheeks disappeared, leaving her skin ashen. “Oh
God…” She looked at me wide-eyed. “He was on the phone thinking
something happened to you when I saw Max.”
All she said was “Oh my God” before she cut the call. I snatched Mel’s
phone and dialled his number.
“Mel, what the hell is happening?” he fumed, a magnitude of powerful
emotions in his voice.
“It’s me. I’m fine, and …”
“Baby,” he uttered, letting out all the air from his lungs, and waking up
millions of butterflies in my belly. “What happened? Who was that guy?
Did he hurt you?”
“No, I’m okay. He’s an actor. He was looking out for me, but I misread
his intentions.” I sent Max an apologetic smile. “Mel’s a fan, and she got
carried away when she saw him.”
Thomas let out a shaky breath. “You scared the hell out of me. God, I’m
glad you’re okay. Is Scorpio there yet?”
I handed the phone to Scorpio and turned around when Max put his hand
on my shoulder.
“I’ll leave you now. It seems you’re in good hands.”
“Thank you.”
Mel swooned some more, lusting after him when he disappeared out of
view. Scorpio came back and gave the phone to Mel who straightened out,
bracing for an earful. She started apologizing before Thomas could say a
word, and Scorpio opened the passenger side door.
“Get in. I’m taking you home.”
Mel took the back seat, and after muttering “okay” and “I’m sorry” a few
times, she handed the phone back to me.
“Amelia told me why you’ve been ignoring my calls,” Thomas said,
sounding calmer.
“This isn’t a good time.” I rested my head against the side window.
“We’ll talk when you get back.”
“I won’t let you wonder for two days whether I’m being a selfish asshole
or not. I’m not. It’s just you, baby doll. I want you, and I’m yours.”
 I bit my cheek and glanced at Scorpio who watched the road in great
concentration. The bed creaked on the other side of the line, and I imagined
Thomas sporting a snow-white T-shirt and sweatpants, sitting on the white,
neat bed in his hotel room.
“I believe you, but now, I have to go.”
Scorpio stopped the car outside of Nick’s house, then turned to me when
Mel left, clutching the notepad to her chest.
“You know, when he told me about you two the first time, I was ready to
kick his ass because I wanted to protect you. Now, I think he’s the one who
needs protection. He’s a good guy, Nadia.”
That I didn’t expect. Scorpio had me used to thinking of him as being the
joker. We never held a serious conversation, and it was odd to hear a
serious, sensible words come out of his mouth.
“I know he is, and I don’t think he needs protection. We have rules as you
may know, and Thomas knows better than to let me hurt him.”
Scorpio scoffed, and shook his head, switching the gear to reverse. “I
don’t think he does.”

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 22
THOMAS

Lie better
The room was stuffy despite the open windows, which did nothing to let
the cool air in. That’s because there was no cool air around. It was twenty
past one in the morning, but the temperature outside still oscillated around
twenty degrees Celsius.
Welcome to España.
I sat in a comfortable armchair by the bed with the nightlamp on and a
glass of vodka in my hand. The hotel bar closed at midnight, but the bellboy
was rather keen to fetch me a drink. It wasn’t my first visit, and he knew I
tipped well.
Instead of drinking and staring at the open window, I should have gone to
sleep. I had another meeting at nine a.m., but the remnants of all the
contradicting emotions kept me awake.
I had spent two days on my toes, trying to contact Nadia. Three hours of
silence were enough for me to guess why she decided to ditch my calls. A
sense of dread and an anxious state took over when an unpleasant thought
entered my mind—she was going to end our agreement.
If that wasn’t enough to send my mind into overdrive, then the icing on
the cake happened—Mel’s seemingly terrified “Oh my God” a moment
after I heard someone hitting on Nadia. I never went from calm to confused,
annoyed and fucking terrified faster.
Possible scenarios infested my mind, stripping me of the ability to think
straight. Five minutes passed while I waited for either Scorpio to arrive at
the scene or for Mel to pick up the phone. It was the longest five minutes of
my goddamn life.
Jesus, I was losing it. Losing it over a girl. A girl who …
Sounds familiar? Good. You remember what happened last time I was
losing it for this girl?
Yeah? Well… replay.
 Unfortunately, the hotel room left a lot to be desired in terms of things
that could be trashed, and all I did was kick the armchair and pace between
the door and the window with the phone to my ear.
Not very dramatic.
Just as fast as the fear arrived, it died away when I heard my girl’s voice.
No whimpers, no sobs.
Yes. That’s right. My girl.
Nadia could fight it all she wanted, but I would fight back just as hard
until she waved the white flag and admitted to wanting more than what we
agreed on. She had already took small steps across the bridge that led to me.
My phone chimed on the nightstand. Nadia looked at me from the
illuminated screen. I took the picture like a true psycho pervert—on the sly
and without her knowledge. She wasn’t smiling; she wasn’t sad. She was
calm, and that was the most beautiful expression she could wear.

I promised to call you when I woke up, but I don’t have the heart to
wake you. And I doubt you meant the middle of the night.

We talked for forty minutes when Scorpio dropped her off, and she fell
asleep while I told her about the record label I toured earlier, trying to
decide if it was worth the asking price. I didn’t realise my work was so
boring, but there you go.
The sad part? I didn’t mind. At least I knew she fell asleep without the
sleeping pills.
The yet-another psycho-pervert part? I listened to her steady breaths for
ten minutes before I cut the call.
In less than four weeks, that girl had me wrapped around her finger. She
was all I thought about, the one person I wanted to spend time with non-
stop. It had been two days since I flew to Madrid, and I missed her as if I
hadn’t seen her for a month.
I glanced into the mirror on the wall opposite to the bed and raised an
eyebrow, surprised not to see pussy-whipped tattooed on my forehead.
It was there, just invisible.
How did my plan for my life change during a few short weeks? I turned
from a rowdy, arrogant playboy without dreams, into a rowdy, arrogant guy
with one goal—to make Nadia mine.
 It scared me. I struggled to make sense of my thoughts and choices. The
sudden territoriality and jealousy surprised me at every turn. I was confused
but determined because I liked what Nadia did to me. Feeling was great, but
looking into the future impatiently, not indifferently was the best.
Nadia answered before the first ringback tone ended.
“I didn’t peg you for a light sleeper,” she said. “Sorry.”
“I wasn’t sleeping. You were supposed to call. If I were asleep, a text
message wouldn’t wake me.”
“I didn’t want to wake you.” She let out an exasperated puff. “Okay, I
wanted to. I had a bad dream.”
The bed creaked under my weight when I laid down, both happy that she
called and upset that she was plagued by nightmares.
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
“No. I just wanted to hear you. I miss you.” She weighed the words as if
afraid to say them aloud. “And I don’t mean sex. I miss you.”
“I miss you too, baby. It’s just two more days.”
“You sure know how to make a girl impatient” she chuckled. “Can’t you
come back now? Pretty please?”
Say no more.
Eighteen hours later I landed at Heathrow after paying the lawyer twice
the agreed sum so that he would get the paperwork finalised before noon.
All in all, including a new plane ticket, I spent an extra seven grand to get
back to Nadia.
All because she said “please”.
She made me no less crazy than Maya. The difference was that Claudia
held back my extravagant ideas when it came to the little girl. There was no
one to talk sense into me where Nadia was concerned.
I jumped into the first taxi outside the terminal building and gave the
driver Nadia’s address. It was almost ten p.m. when I barged into her
apartment uninvited and unannounced.
Soft footsteps started in the living room, and Nadia rounded the corner
coming to an abrupt stop when she saw me standing in the hallway a
suitcase in hand.
Big, dark eyes watched me with a mixture of surprise and glee. “You
came back.”
“You asked.” I shrugged as if it weren’t that big of a deal.
 Her face brightened, and just then, a chubby Cupid shot his arrow right at
my ass. The smile on her lips was the prettiest “thank you” I ever saw. She
came closer, grabbed my tie and drew me in for a kiss.
“You’re crazy, you know? You didn’t have to come back early.”
I dropped the suitcase and took her face in my hands, enjoying the happy
sparks dancing in her eyes. Nothing made me more euphoric than knowing
that Nadia was perfectly calm.
“No, I didn’t, but I wanted to.” I kissed her forehead. “I need a shower,
fresh clothes and you in my bed. In that order, so grab a few things and
we’re going back to my house.”
She frowned and stepped back. “What kind of a gentleman are you? Why
should I take a taxi home in the middle of the night? Forget it. My shower
works just fine and you don’t need clothes in bed.”
“You won’t be taking a taxi. You’re staying the night, baby doll.”
I didn’t expect her to agree. She clung to the no-strings-attached idea
despite knowing we were way past being just physical, so she threw me off
when her lips parted, but no words came out, and a small nod followed. I
took it as a good sign first, but as she ascended the stairs, I realised she
hoped her nightmares and screams would scare me away.
Five minutes later, she appeared downstairs with a small travel bag and a
cheeky smile.
“I have something for you. Well, kind of.” She winked, then pretended to
zip her lips, and I knew there was no point in asking.
To be honest, when she entered my bedroom after a long shower a little
over an hour later, I was fucking glad I didn’t ask.
Wet hair stuck to her neck and shoulders; glowing skin was bathed in the
orange hue of the dimmed lights.
All I could do was sit there in awe, unable to word a coherent sentence,
unable to tear my eyes off her. I bit on my knuckles, watching her flawless
body covered in red lingerie. Ribbons were attached to the bra and panties
and tied in a bow in the middle of her stomach.
She was imperfectly perfect inside and out. Bruised and unstable, but
irresistible, nonetheless. And I just knew, watching the small smile on her
lips, that I wasn’t going to fall for her.
No, I already had. Hard, and fast.
“The look on your face makes me want to run.”
She straddled me instead.
 I brushed my fingers down her spine and closed her lips with a forceful
kiss, ready to dive between her thighs.
“Why?” I moved my hands to her hips, digging my fingers into the warm
skin. “Why do you want to run?”
“Because you’re hoping for more.” She cupped my face. “Lie to me.”
“You’re delusional.”
“Lie better. Please.”
“I don’t want more,” I said, then contradicted the words with a kiss. “I
don’t want you to be mine, baby doll.”
She fiddled with the buttons on my shirt, and pulled it over my head,
resting her tiny palms on my chest. “I don’t want you to touch me.”
Hot lips ghosted across my jawline. I caught her wrists, then flipped her
so she would lie flat on the bed.
“Lie better,” I echoed, turning a fantasy into reality when I undid the bow
on her stomach with my teeth.
“I don’t want you to want more.”
I unclasped her bra, closing my mouth on her breast before pulling the
red panties down her legs.
My heart thudded against my ribs when I pushed inside of her, the pace
of my thrusts different to all the previous times we had sex. We were all but
rushing, the slow rhythm of our bodies designed to speak the truths we
couldn’t say with words.
We couldn’t because we weren’t ready for declarations and empty
promises. The road to happiness was paved with small bridges we had to
cross first. But that was okay. The wait, the work, the uncertainty—okay
because something changed. We went from fighting to keep our relationship
purely sexual to accepting that it was a lost fight.
We waved the white flag and let fate do its thing.
I held her close when she writhed under me on the bed until breathless,
tired and satisfied, we dropped next to each other. Nadia lay on her stomach
with a cascade of brown hair scattered on the pillow.
She looked at me from under her long lashes, and I covered her with the
sheets, pressed my lips to her shoulder, and locked myself in the bathroom.
I washed my face with cold water, ready to wait until Nadia fell asleep, but
when I returned to the bedroom, she was already out.
I drew her hot body to mine and buried my face in her hair, prepared for a
wake-up call at any given moment.
 But Nadia didn’t move all night. It was me who woke up every hour on
the hour. The alarm that blared at five-thirty didn’t wake her either. She was
still asleep an hour later when I returned to the bedroom after working out
in the basement, and she slept on when, just after seven, I accidentally
slammed the wardrobe door.
No one expected me in the office until tomorrow, and so with a laptop on
my lap, I sat by the window in the bedroom to do some work.
And Nadia was still asleep.
She woke up three hours later, looked around the room, and when she
saw me, she smiled, sighed and stretched like a pussycat.
“Good morning, sleepyhead.”
“What time is it?” she asked.
“Half past ten.”
Her eyes grew wide, and she sat up. The sheets slipped down her body
revealing bare breasts. I must have done something right in my life to
deserve that.
“I slept for ten hours straight,” she muttered, covering my favourite view.
“I didn’t wake up once…”
“No. You slept like a baby.”
If it was the first time in months she slept through the night, then she had
something to think about. There was no fear in her eyes, so I sat behind her,
and drew her to my chest, waiting until she made sense of the night. She
pulled away a moment later and got out of bed, taking the sheets with her.
I caught her hand. “Are you okay?”
She looked as if her thoughts raced hundreds of miles an hour and
anxiety settled over me like a stormy cloud.
“I’m always okay when I’m with you.”
She retreated to the bathroom, closing the door behind her, and I hit the
headrest of the bed with the back of my head. There was something in her
voice that had me bracing for a break-up. Again.
And we weren’t even dating yet.
I knew her way of thinking, and now, instead of being happy that her
nightmares didn’t bother her, she was going to turn it around to make it look
like a bad thing. I rubbed my face, ready to dodge the bullets.
Water started running in the shower, and Nadia’s phone vibrated on the
bedside table. Once, twice, and again. It was Mel, and I considered
answering, but before I made my mind up, she called me.
 “Where’s Nadia?” she huffed.
“Taking a shower. Should I pass a message?”
“Yes, tell her I’ll pick her up in ten and she better be ready. I have the
dress fitting in half an hour.”
“Can’t you go alone today? She could use a day off.”
“Does Nick know you’re back early?”
I liked Mel, but right now I imagined my fingers closing around her thin
neck. We had talked a lot over the past few days when Nadia wasn’t
answering my calls, and I was under the impression that Mel had my back.
She seemed happy that I cared about her best friend, and even gave me
advice.
“Whose side are you on?”
She huffed some more. “Yours. If I weren’t, my fiancé would turn your
balls in to blown eggs. Be nice and don’t mess with my schedule. Nadia
was at my disposal today. I’ll turn a blind eye this time, but try this again,
and I’m taking all your toys!”
I chuckled, and she did too, with no trace of anger in her tone. She was
like a firecracker—loud bang and an impressive explosion that lasted a few
seconds at the most.
“Fine, mum. You can pick her up from my house in two hours.”
“I’ll be back at work by then. Just drop her off at the venue. She’s got
things to take care of there.”
I used the time when Nadia was in the shower to brew two coffees. When
I returned upstairs, she stood in front of the mirror, dressed in heels, slim
black jeans and a white vest.
“Mel called…”
“I know. I just spoke to her,” she said, then turned around and started to
gather her things. “Can you take me to James?”
No eye contact didn’t bode well for me, but I was determined not to let
her put a cross on us. She was halfway through the bridge, and instead of
pressing forward, she looked down.
“Tell me what you’re thinking.” I handed her a cup.
“I don’t know what I’m thinking. I just… You make me whole again,
Thomas. I’m taking advantage of you and you’re still here. What is wrong
with you?! Why aren’t you running?!”
Thank fuck for anger. It was easier to control than sadness or fear.
 “You act like I didn’t know what I was getting into, like you forced me to
do something against my will. I volunteered.”
She shook her head, fire in her eyes—bitch face on display. “Yeah,
because you wanted to sleep with me.”
I almost laughed. The attempt at pissing me off was adorable. She lied to
herself, and she acted dumb and clueless because she was afraid that I
didn’t feel what she thought I felt.
“Because I wanted you.” I held her gaze. “And I still do. I accepted the
rules you set out, and I would still adhere to them if I thought you didn’t
give a shit about me, but you do. Fuck, Nadia, you want me. You want
more. You’re just afraid to admit it.”
Silence fell upon us. It rang in my ears, and every passing second pushed
me that much closer to madness. That girl sure knew how to build the
tension. It was like some freak horror movie, when nothing happens, but
you just know that any second someone will jump out of nowhere and scare
the living fuck out of you.
Instead of more screaming, Nadia exhaled slowly. “I need to see James.”
She zipped the bag, then rose on her toes to kiss my lips. “There is so much
I need to work through, and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I’m not afraid of your past. I’m afraid you’ll let it ruin our present.”

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 23
NADIA

Puppet
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Funny. It seemed the road to heaven was paved with selfish deeds. My
relationship with Thomas hit a crossroad. He wanted more despite knowing
he was falling for damaged goods. I wanted more despite knowing Adrian
still had a hold on me.
“You’ve always been the one to overthink,” James said, sipping on his
coffee. “You complicate things that are, in fact, very simple. I’m not
allowed to tell you what to do, Nadia, but you know what to do.”
“I allow you,” I smirked. “Let’s pretend you’re not my doctor for five
minutes. Just be a friend. Is it cruel and selfish to want to be with Thomas
when I’m still not out of the woods?” I kicked my heels off and tucked my
feet under my bum. “At first, I thought he was just an ad hoc anaesthetic,
but he’s more. The longer I’m with him, the bigger my progress. I hugged
Nick the other day and didn’t even mind his closeness.”
“Well, friend. If you only want to be with him because he’s healing you,
then yes—it’s cruel and selfish, but if you have feelings for him, then the
help he’s offering is just a bonus.”
The longer I thought about it, the more convinced I was that I had
feelings for Thomas since day one. It was just physical attraction at first,
coupled with how safe and normal he made me feel, and it quickly turned to
more than physical attraction. Maybe that was partly the reason why I
refused to give in to him, because deep down I knew we would never make
it as friends with benefits.
I was trying to protect him from day one.
My phone rang, and the ringtone alone made my skin crawl. A soft,
bluesy guitar riffs captivated my mind, soul and all my senses. James’s
office became a blur, his voice distorted. The one clear thing in sight was
the screen of my phone, and the sound of Stay around a little longer by
Buddy Guy.
 “Let me guess,” I said, seeing Adrian’s broad smile.
He spent the last two hours in front of the laptop, claiming he had to
write a term paper, but the look on his face told me that instead of writing,
he surfed the web.
“That small independent cinema is screening one of the old Pacino
movies this weekend.”
“No, I have something better.” He put the laptop aside and outstretched
his hand to me. “C’mon puppet. You’ll love this.”
I climbed onto his lap and smiled when he wrapped his arms around me.
He wore his favourite, oversized fraternity hoodie. It was so big that I could
easily fit in there with him. The smell of his cologne rubbed off on my
clothes, a pleasant mixture of juniper, musk and bergamot.
He kissed my head and rested his cheek there. “Close your eyes.”
I did, and Adrian pressed play. The room filled with a bluesy song,
hugging my senses the way Adrian hugged my body. I didn’t listen to the
words lost in the melody, but Adrian had a few lines he wanted me to
remember. He moved his lips to my ear and whispered the chorus.

The phone kept ringing in my hand. How on earth did he get my number?
I changed it the day he was locked in the rehab facility and gave it to no one
in New York. Thomas, Amelia, Nick …
Nick.
Nick spoke to Adrian.
Bile came to my throat, and I couldn’t catch a breath at the mere thought
of my brother knowing why I left Adrian.
I slid my thumb across the screen, pressed the phone to my ear, and
stared into the distance. All I saw was Adrian’s face; all I felt were his
Eskimo kisses all over my face.
He breathed down the line forcing the hair on my neck to stand to
attention. Three months had passed since the last time I heard him.
“Puppet,” he whispered. “Please don’t hang up.”
My body stiffened, and I remained silent, too stunned to say or do
anything.
He sniffled, then took a deep breath. “I miss you so much, puppet. I miss
you like crazy. I promise I’ll do everything in my power to make you trust
me again. I’m clean. I swear.”
 He sounded desperate and so sincere. I felt my body tremble, focused on
his words, the tone of his voice and all the unspoken “I’m sorry” and “I
love you” in-between the lines.
“Hey,” I muttered, my eyes closed. “How are you doing?”
A chocked back sob on his side of the line almost broke my heart all over
again.
“I’m good. I’m better. Clean, sober. I’ll be out in a couple of weeks…
How are you, puppet? Are you safe?” His voice broke, but he took a hold of
himself. “Just tell me you’re safe. I’ve been worried sick.”
“I’m safe,” I muttered to calm him down.
I didn’t want to hear him hurt. He suffered so much, and now he had to
live with everything he did. It couldn’t be easy.
“Thank God. Can you come and visit?”
A tear rolled down my cheek and fell onto my jeans. “No, I can’t.”
It didn’t sound like I meant it. I wasn’t sure if I did. I just wanted him to
keep talking in that soothing manner. There wasn’t a cell in my body that
didn’t experience fear, but with every word coming out of his mouth my
body relaxed. The memories of the good times somehow outweighed the
bad things that crippled our relationship.
Adrian was a magician. He hurt me beyond measure, but it took a few
seconds of hearing him talk for the foundations of my defences to crack as
if I built them in a sinking city.
“Please, I need to see you and apologise. I need to tell you how sorry I
am, and how much I miss you, and how much I l…”
“Don’t say it,” I cut in, scared half to death of how those three words
would affect me.
I ran my hand through my hair, hugged my knees, and rocked back and
forth like a child terrified of the monster hiding under the bed.
“I love you, puppet. I love you so much. I can’t go another day without
you.”
“Stop. Please, stop saying it.” I pleaded, getting more hysterical by the
second, even though I wanted him to repeat those words forever.
“I’ll never stop. I’ll always love you. I need you, I need to see you, and I
need to kiss you. God, I miss your lips; I miss the way you taste. You’re
everything I need, puppet.”
I shut my eyes tighter, blocking the memories his words summoned. The
endless nights and days I spent in his arms, the soft kisses, the most
endearing confessions, and the three words that made my heart skip a beat.
It made me want to get on the next plane to New York so he could tell me
how much he loved me face to face.
“You spoke to Nick, didn’t you? What did you tell him?”
“Nothing, puppet. Why didn’t you tell him? You shouldn’t protect me,
baby. He should know, and he should hate me. I know I do.”
“He shouldn’t know. It would break him, and I won’t do that to him three
weeks ahead of his wedding. And you won’t either. Promise me.”
“I do; I promise, puppet. Whatever you want. I leave rehab in two weeks.
I can still make the wedding.”
I felt a firm grip on my shoulders and saw James kneeling in front of me.
He looked as scared as I felt. The hold, the hypnotic state Adrian trapped
me in subsided, and I allowed myself to hear his voice, to feel the touch of
his hands, to see concern in his eyes.
“Should I call Nick?”
I shook my head no.
“Who is that?” Adrian asked, his tone defeated.
“I’m glad you’re better, but I don’t want you to come.”
I pressed the red button on the screen, my hands shaking, my body
shuddered with silent sobs. How was Adrian able to isolate me like that?
How was it that my own subconscious saw him as the victim?
The bluesy melody filled the silence again, but this time I didn’t answer,
and when he stopped calling, I blocked his number, then deleted it from my
contacts just in case.
We couldn’t stay in touch if I were to ever heal.
“He manipulates you,” James said, the doctor-patient front long gone.
“Don’t fall for it, Nadia. He’ll be an addict for the rest of his life. Don’t let
him trick you into taking him back. You’ll live in fear forever.”
He was right, but Adrian’s call wasn’t the worst that happened. Nick gave
him my number, and that felt like a slap across my face.
“I need all the pills you took from me.”
James frowned, shaking his head a firm no.
“Please. I need to show Nick why he should never hope that I’ll get back
with Adrian. I can’t tell him the truth, but I can show him the state Adrian
left me in.”

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 24
THOMAS

Crazy rooster
Scorpio rubbed his hands together. “I’m taking your money tonight,
boys.”
He wished. We played poker at Nick’s house every Wednesday for over a
year, and Scorpio won maybe ten games in total.
“In your dreams. It’s my lucky night.” Ethan picked his cards and his
smile faded.
I pushed chips to the centre of the table. “I bet a hundred.”
Nicholas grumbled and tossed his cards aside, folding. He came up with
these poker nights, but it was a rarity for him to win. The saying goes
“lucky at cards, unlucky at love,” but Nick reversed it to “unlucky at cards,
lucky at love,” always blaming his bad luck on Amelia.
Ethan called my bet, and Scorpio did, too. I discarded two cards and
sipped on the vodka while dealing more cards to the three of us. I won the
first two rounds, and my luck was gone for the rest of the night. Ethan
picked up pace, and two hours later he had most of our money in his pocket.
Scorpio and I were out a grand, but we wanted to lose more.
Nick decided to play it safe and after losing three hundred, he became
our croupier.
“You going to call it or what?” He nudged me.
“Yeah.” I threw the chips in a pile. “I call.”
I pushed my money to the centre of the table, holding a pair of queens.
There was no way I could win, but who cared? I hadn’t heard from Nadia
since I dropped her off at James’s office, and I was starting to lose it. I
should have stayed home instead of meeting Nick at the company to tell
him I closed the deal in Madrid.
“Watch and learn.” Ethan smiled, revealing four kings.
Lucky bastard.
At that moment, the front door opened, and the sound of heels
reverberated through the house. I knew it was Nadia before she walked into
the kitchen, her face determined.
“Hey, sis,” Nick said. “What’s wrong?”
She stopped beside him, tilted her purse upside down and tipped the
contents in front of Nick.
“Do you know what this is?” she snapped, her eyes red and puffy.
Nick looked from her to me as if I could shed some light on what the hell
was going on. I fucking wished I could.
Too many emotions were visible on his face to guess which one took the
stage.
“Tablets …” he said, taken aback by her attitude.
He grabbed the first orange bottle of prescription pills and read the label.
And only then did the anxiety take lead. He tossed the bottle aside and
grabbed another, then another, his complexion blanching.
“Why do you have so many?”
“I needed them.” Her voice full of sadness and regret. “Guess who called
me today.”
I slid out with my chair, ready to grab her, and hide her in my arms. She
was close to tears, and I didn’t need her to spell out the name of who called.
Her anxiety was enough of a clue.
Ethan and Scorpio glanced between her, Nick, and me. They looked like
they wanted to disappear, and I didn’t blame them.
“How could you give him my number!” Nadia exploded. “I asked you
not to call him!”
Nick’s shoulders sagged while he gawked at the medication littering the
table. “He called me this morning. We talked for a while…”
“What did you talk about? He sure didn’t tell you why we split up. You
wouldn’t sit like that if you knew. Did he at least say where he was for the
last three months?”
Nick shook his head and looked at me for help. Fucking coward. He
knew where Adrian was, but he acted stupid. He wanted to get up, but
Nadia pushed him back on the chair, and she grabbed my glass of vodka
and drank half in one go.
“He spent three months in rehab,” she said. “Three months to get clean
after a friend of his got him hooked on PCP.”
Nick managed to stand, and took Nadia’s hand, pulling her into his arms.
I would do the same, but her reaction would be different.
 She broke free and stepped away. “Don’t ever tell him how to contact
me, Nick. And don’t ever think I’ll take him back. You wouldn't want it for
me if you knew …”
“But I don’t know!” Nick lost his temper.
I expected that. It had been five weeks since Nadia returned from New
York, and he still had no idea why she was no longer with Adrian. I got up
too, but Nadia sent a warning glare in my direction. Instead of embracing
her so she would calm down, I re-filled the glass, then rested against the
wall.
“Tell me! What did he do? You left him because he was on drugs?”
A nervous chuckle escaped her. “I left him because he deserved it.
Because I didn’t deserve what he did and how he behaved. And you …”
She looked at him, and I took a mechanical step toward her. “You
should be on my side.”
“I am on your side. Of course, I am; I just thought you could work things
out.” He rubbed his face and glanced at the pills again. “I’m sorry. I won’t
give him your number again, and I’ll find you a new psychiatrist.”
“I don’t need a new one. I’m doing well with James.”
Nick squeezed the bridge of his nose. “Apparently not. Look at all those
pills! It’s fucking ridiculous that you’re on so many!”
“I’m not. Those were prescribed by my psychiatrist in New York, but
James sorted through them and only left me with diazepam and sleeping
pills for now.”
Nick sighed, not having any of it. “You’re not making progress, Nadia.
You need someone better. The way you are; the way you have been since
Dad died isn’t normal. You…”
“I’m not normal,” she cut in, hurt in her words.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“That’s what you think!”
“What am I supposed to think?! You don’t tell me anything! And neither
does Adrian!”
He pumped his fists and cracked his neck as if to get rid of the tension
bubbling inside him, then torment took residence in his expression. It was
genuine and fake all at once. He cared about her, and it pained him that she
struggled, but right now, he jumped at the opportunity and took advantage
of Nadia’s vulnerability.
 “You can’t rely on pills for the rest of your life,” he continued in a
defeated tone. His shoulders sagged, and tone morphed into plea. “I’ll find
you a new psychiatrist. You must get better, sis. I need you to get better. I
can’t stand seeing you like this.”
I only saw the profile of Nadia’s face, but it was enough for my stomach
to somersault backwards. She was afraid of him; afraid to oppose him;
afraid of his screams, orders and disappointment. Her hands trembled as
much as her chin, and Nick pressed forward, sensing a good moment to
strike harder.
“You need help, Nadia. You can’t do this alone, but James isn’t the right
doctor for you. And since you don’t trust me enough to say what happened,
I need to find someone you will trust.” He pulled a stray, beaten-dog face.
Blood boiled in my veins. He was manipulating her—the tone of his
voice; the attitude and every word aimed to expose her weaknesses and
force her to cooperate against better judgement.
I just fucking hoped he did it unconsciously. Still, it made me sick,
because Nadia was too weak to defend herself.
“Stop brainwashing her,” I said.
I couldn’t just watch as he reduced her to an obedient mess.
“Stay out if this,” Nick snapped. “You don’t know the first thing about
it.”
Nadia glanced at me, helpless and nervous. She didn’t ask for help, but
the plea in her eyes was enough for me to act.
“I know more than you think. The last thing she needs is guilt.” My heart
thudded in my chest, when I focused back on Nadia. “You’re doing much
better now than you did a month ago.”
She bit her bottom lip, her eyes darting between Nick and me, then she
let out a shaky breath. “That’s thanks to you.” Tears filled her eyes, but she
clenched her teeth, refusing to cry. “You calm me down. You help more
than anything, but you’re not a cure. You’re just a band-aid.”
“That’s a lie.”
We heard from the door. Mel stood there her gaze fixed on Nadia.
“You told me you’re better even when Thomas isn’t around.”
Nadia turned to me, her cheeks a faint shade of pink. “It’s not fair to you.
You deserve better than this.”
“Better than you? There is no one better. I don’t deserve you, baby doll,
but unless you tell me to go, I won’t budge.”
 “I told you to stay away from her,” Nick said with the sort of calmness
that precedes fury.
“I’m glad he didn’t listen.” Nadia grabbed my hand, entwining our
fingers. “I’m sorry. This isn’t how this was supposed to go. I didn’t mean to
put you on the spot.”
I drew her to my side. “The end result remains the same no matter how
he would have found out.”
Scorpio grinned in his chair; Mel smiled in the doorway. Ethan looked as
if he tried a lemon for the first time, and Nick … Nick changed colour like a
kaleidoscope—white, green, red and purple.
“I told you to stay away from her!”
The overprotective brother instead of being overprotective and worried
about the rapidly deteriorating condition of his sister, was simply furious.
He watched me and Nadia as if he couldn’t comprehend what was
happening.
He probably couldn’t.
Too bad he couldn’t prioritize either—calming Nadia before hitting
Thomas.
Nadia took a step forward when Nick charged at me, but his expression
told me he was ready to throw one of his sorry-ass punches at my face, so I
pulled Nadia behind me just in time for Nick’s fist to connect with the left
side of my face.
“You slept with her?! You slept with my sister?!”
Scorpio jumped to his feet and grabbed Nick by the shoulders. He meant
well but made things worse. Nick, like an enraged bull, fought to break free,
murder on his mind. He sucker-punched Scorpio under the ribs and jumped
at me like a crazy rooster, taking a fistful of my shirt and pinning me to the
nearest wall.
“Let him go!” Nadia and Mel cried in sync.
“Don’t,” I said, looking at my best friend’s face hovering inches from
mine. “Go on, hit me.”
He had to unwind and to be honest, I deserved a black eye. I went behind
his back, and that was low even for me. Self-preservation instincts pushed
me into action, but I suppressed my reflexes.
Truth be told, I thought he would let go, but I underestimated his rage.
He threw his hand back, then forth, and landed a neat blast on my jaw. And
I had to admit that pissed-off Nick punched like a boxer.
 He let me go and turned toward Nadia. Tears stained her cheeks, but she
tried to pull him away from me. Courage left her when Nick took a step
forward, his fists clenched, steam coming out of his nose.
She stopped fighting, she stopped crying. She froze, staring at her brother
and choking back tears.
“You let him fuck you?!” Nick roared, grabbed her arm and yanked her
closer. “You’re…”
I didn’t let him finish. Whatever was to spew from his mouth would
trample Nadia’s self-esteem and give her one more reason to cry. I grabbed
Nick by his shirt and pulled hard. He let go of Nadia, landing with his back
on the table. Chips and drinks flew to the floor, but Nick scrambled to his
feet and swung at me. This time I didn’t try to suppress my reflexes. I
dodged, then hit his face with all I had.
“You touch her again, and I’ll break your fucking hands,” I seethed, then
turned on my heel and cupped Nadia’s face. “You okay?”
She nodded, looking over my shoulder. “Get me out of here. Please.”
I took her hand and led her outside. The last we heard before we closed
the door was Scorpio trying to convince Nick not to chase us.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 25
NADIA

Jealous
“Good morning,” Thomas whispered, kissing the soft spot behind my ear.
I peeked a little. He was dressed, his hair damp from a recent shower. I
cringed at the sudden onset of a headache. No wonder. I had cried myself to
sleep in his arms, and I hadn’t uttered a word since we left Nick’s house.
“Hey. What time is it?”
“Almost ten. I rang James to tell him you won’t make your morning
appointment. He said he’s got the afternoon free if you want to see him
later.” He kissed my forehead and moved away so I could sit. “How are you
feeling today?”
Another cringe. “I have a headache. Why aren’t you at the office?”
“I’m not going in today. Nick needs time to cool off and it’ll be better if
he doesn’t see my face so early in the morning.” He handed me a cup of
coffee, then opened the drawer in the bedside table, and took out a box of
paracetamol. “You need to eat something.”
“I’ll throw up if I eat.” I tugged on his hand, until he got the hint, and laid
beside me, hiding me in his arms. “I’m sorry about Nick. I knew he
wouldn’t be happy about us, but I can’t believe he hit you.”
“I can’t believe it hurt. Don’t apologise for him. When he sees what you
mean to me, he’ll apologise himself.”
“Have you thought this through?” I cocked my head to kiss his chin,
internal shivers touching every one of my organs. “Are you one hundred
percent sure I’m what you want? Because I’m yours if you want me,
Thomas. It’s pointless to delude myself that we’re just physical when we’re
so much more. I just need you to really think about this, because what you
saw so far is just the tip of the iceberg, and I want you to…”
“And breathe,” he cut in the same way he did seconds before he kissed
me for the first time. “I have never been so sure of anything in my life. You
were mine the moment I laid my eyes on you at the airport. You just didn’t
know it then.”
 “Now I do.” I nuzzled my face in the crook of his neck and sighed, the
emotions that accompanied me last night gone. “Don’t cheat on me.”
He chuckled softly, then more when I smacked his head.
“My reputation doesn’t speak in my favour, but cheating is the last thing
I would do.” He rested on his elbow. “You’ll have to be patient with me,
baby doll. I’ll make mistakes while I learn how to take care of you.”
That one sentence was enough to melt me. I stretched and made myself
comfortable, hugging the pillow.
“If you’re not going to the office, we can stay in bed all day.”
“We do have a party to attend tonight. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to
miss hearing Aaron live again, and I have to be there.”
A pang of dread settled over me at the thought of seeing Nick, but one
kiss pressed to the crown of my head pushed the worry aside.
Nick couldn’t hate Thomas forever. He just needed time to process the
information. After all, they were best friends and business partners. Nick
cared about Thomas more than any other friend he ever had, and I had a
feeling his anger was in part triggered by fear. He was afraid to lose a friend
if my relationship with Thomas didn’t last the same way I feared to lose
Amelia when she started dating my brother.
“Next week, while you’re in Barcelona, I think it might be a good idea to
employ two bodyguards to keep an eye on all of you.”
I sat up, hoping I misheard him. “You’re joking, right? No way!” As if I
would let him hire two vultures to report our every move back. “You can’t.
Promise you won’t.”
“If anything happens, we’ll be a thousand miles away.”
I put my finger to his lips. “We’ll be fine. Do you see me trying to sneak
spies into your party?”
He laughed pulling me back to the previous position. “Spies? You plan
on doing something I wouldn’t be happy about?”
“No, but I can’t speak for the other girls. I can’t let you control me. I
lived through it once, and I’m not doing it again.”
He pulled my chin up. “I’m not trying to control you. I just need to know
that you’re safe.”
“I will be. I won’t mix, and I’ll text you throughout the night that we’re
fine, and I’ll stay out of trouble.”
“And if anyone bothers you, get the bouncers involved.”
 I kissed him, but a simple peck wasn’t enough. He teased my bottom lip,
then sank deeper in my mouth, igniting my senses.
“Compromise,” he muttered. “That’ll take some getting used to.”

***

If there was anything I learned about Thomas during the last few weeks
of mind-blowing sex, it was his fondness of my bare neck and back. He
caressed the line of my spine, and worshiped it with kisses every time, so
for Aaron’s party I settled for a simple, elegant, backless dress. We would
be surrounded by a crowd of perfectly proportioned blondes, and I needed
Thomas to think about the bedroom only when he looked at me.
I stood in front of the mirror in the hallway, finishing off with gold
earrings when Thomas entered my apartment. A fitted, three-piece charcoal
suit hugged the tall, muscular perfection that was his body.
He stopped two steps in, sizing me up. “Remember what you said about
me having to work on my asshole persona? You would change your mind
real quick if you could hear the thoughts that’ll scream in my head later
when every guy at that fucking party eyes you up.”
“We don’t have to go. I have Netflix and wine.”
A sad smile crossed his face. “I need to go, baby. Nick won’t risk making
a scene with all the paparazzi there.”
I wouldn’t bet my money on that.
The party was held at Grande, a club around the corner from C&G
Records. Almost two hundred guests crowded the space, and waiters
walked around the room with champagne on silver plates. I snatched a glass
the moment we entered, expecting some sort of a power display on Nick’s
part. He was a Grimwald, and we rarely backed down.
“They’re by the bar,” Thomas said. “Come on.”
“You want to go there? He hit you last night. I doubt he’s ready to shake
hands, Thomas.”
“Avoiding him won’t help. He needs to see us together, baby doll. He
needs to know I care about you.”
“Do you now?” I chuckled, but it came out nervous.
He pulled me closer and closed my lips with an affectionate kiss in the
middle of the crowded room. “Like you can’t imagine.”
 My heart picked up pace with every step we got closer to my
unpredictable brother. I liked to think I knew him well, but this time I
couldn’t guess his reaction
Nick chatted to Aaron with his hand around Mel’s waist. He seemed
relaxed, but the moment he saw us approaching, his shoulders tensed, and a
frown replaced amusement. He held Thomas’s gaze for a moment, then
turned his head, and pulled Mel into the crowd.
“Told you he wouldn’t make a scene,” Thomas said, disappointment in
his voice.
All day he acted as if Nick’s lack of approval didn’t bother him, but he
couldn’t fool me.
I squeezed his hand. “He’ll come around. I promise.”
“Nadia!” Aaron cheered, charging at me like a bull, and drew me in for a
hug. “Nice to see you again. I hoped you would visit me.”
“I’m sorry; I’ve been busy.”
“Well, the offer stands if you’re ever in need of live entertainment.”
“I’ll bring her in on Monday.” Thomas pulled me closer, marking his
territory. “You’re in all day, right?”
“Right,” Aaron mumbled, and shook his head as if shooing away
unwanted thoughts. “I’ll be waiting for you.”
Nicholas re-emerged from the crowd pissed off.
“Nadia, a word. Now.”
Mel stopped behind him, panting, and wide-eyed, and Thomas chose that
moment to kiss my temple.
Don’t push it.
“Go,” he whispered. “I’ll wait here.”
Nick led me through the dancefloor and out the emergency exit to the
back of the building. I took the opportunity to light a cigarette.
“Don’t be mad at Thomas, Nick. At least not just at him. We’re both
guilty.”
He scoffed and took the packet from my hand. “You’re my sister, and
he’s my best friend. He had no right to touch you. He’s a player, Nadia. He
treats women like trash. You’re better than that!”
Better than a one-night stand with a guy I just met? Yes, but it wasn’t just
one night, and it was never meant to be only one night, no matter what I
told myself. I wanted Thomas since the first time I saw his cinnamon eyes,
but I fought the feelings with all my might.
 “He cares about me. I’m not like the blondes, and you know it. I care
about him, too.”
“He’s not good for you, sis. I don’t want you to get hurt. He might care
now, but it’s not enough.”
He coughed inhaling the smoke but got better by the time he was halfway
through the cigarette.
“It’s a start. He makes me happy. He makes the huge hole in my heart
heal. I know I’m asking for much, but try to accept it, okay? He doesn’t let
it show, but he’s upset that you’re not talking to him.” I butted the cigarette
in the ashtray, and kissed Nick’s cheek. “Don’t worry, I won’t come crying
to you if this doesn’t last.”
“I know you won’t. You’ll get my wife drunk instead.”
With that, he turned around, and entered the building. I stayed behind and
lit up another cigarette. Nick wouldn’t forgive Thomas at the snap of my
fingers, but the fact he chose to talk to me meant he wanted to forgive him.
He just needed time.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 26
THOMAS

Permission
Thirty-two toddlers ran around a function room I rented out for Maya’s
birthday. A large, pink and blue bouncy castle filled sixty percent of the
floor space, and whatever was left was occupied by the sugar-rushed kids.
Parents were either squashed by the walls, or tending to their spawns’
every whim, and I stood by the door with Richard like cheap security detail,
stopping the wild bunch from escaping.
“One hour down, one to go,” he shouted to me, despite standing four feet
away. “I’m going to get a drink You want something?”
Giggles, screams and squeals filled the air.
I couldn’t hear my own thoughts. I pointed to the bottle of water in my
hand. “I’m good.”
“Maya’s enjoying herself.” Claudia took Richard’s place, grinning. “And
you look like you’re having fun too.”
“Don’t I just. I’ll be glad if my head doesn’t explode by the time we’re
done here. How can they make so much noise?”
I took my phone out to check for messages from Nadia who rose bright
and early and went on a shopping spree with Amelia to find the perfect
dress for the wedding.
A few messages waited on the screen, and I smiled, flicking through the
pictures of my girl wearing different dresses. A dark green one caught my
eye—fitted at the top, and loose at the bottom. I sent her the picture back,
and within thirty seconds I got a reply.

That’s the one I bought. We’re at Nick’s, he still has a lot to say
about us.

Call me if you need me.

 “You’re smiling,” Claudia said, her eyebrow raised. “You’re smiling at
your phone. Is it a girl?” Her voice rose to a high-pitched squeal, and her
eyes widened. “You’re seeing someone?!”
“Kind of. It’s complicated.”
She came closer, excitement in her eyes. “Why didn’t you say anything?
Who is she? Why isn’t she here? I want to meet her! Why is it complicated?
Come on!” She shoved me away. “Tell me something! Tell me everything!”
Then let me get a word in.
Why are women so prone to piling the question marks one on top of
another until they run out of breath and ideas? One question at a time,
please. Men aren’t great at multitasking and thinking about the answers to
five different questions at once is multitasking: level hard.
“It’s Nick’s sister, Nadia, and you’ll meet her soon.”
Claudia frowned, not appeased, and opened her mouth to ask thirty-two
supporting questions. I stopped her, feeling my phone buzz in my pocket. I
fished it out, my muscles like stone at the thought of hearing Nadia’s teary
voice if Nick decided to act like an asshole again.
There would be fucking hell to pay if he made her cry.
Instead of Baby Doll, I saw Amelia on the screen and my palms grew
cold. She only called me when Nick and I hit the clubs after they argued.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Can you come over? Like, right now? I don’t know what to do. I think
Nadia’s having a panic attack. She’s crying and shaking and won’t let
anyone near her. I don’t know how to calm her down. Nick’s scared so he’s
screaming, and she’s…”
“I’m on my way,” I said, then looked at Claudia. “I have to go.” I jogged
up to Maya and kissed the crown of her head. “I need to go sunshine, but
I’ll pick you up one day and we’ll go to feed the ducks at Uncle Nick’s,
okay?”
She was too excited about the bouncy castle to get upset about me
leaving. I pecked Claudia’s cheek before I pushed the double doors open,
and hurried down the corridor, keys in hand.
“What happened?” I asked Mel who patiently waited on the other side of
the call. “Did Nick say something to her?”
“No.” Mel’s weak voice filled the BMW. “Ty called. He’s Adrian’s
friend. They talked for about a minute, and she just started to shake and
cry… What am I supposed to do? Call an ambulance?”
 “No. I’ll be there in ten. Tell Nick to stop screaming.”
I pressed the pedal to the floor, rational thinking gone out the window,
my only goal to get to Nadia as soon as possible. Seven minutes later, I
jumped out of the car. Mel waited outside. She looked helpless, worried,
and a little scared.
“Where is she? Is she better? What the fuck did Ty tell her?”
Her bottom lip quivered. “Nick hung up with him a minute ago. He
called to warn Nadia that Adrian’s mother will be asking her to fly back to
New York. Adrian… God, Nick called him yesterday and told him not to
bother Nadia, and that she’s moving on, and he—he overdosed on sleeping
pills. He almost died.”
The guy gave “desperate men do desperate things” a new meaning.
“They’re in the kitchen,” Mel added. “We tried to give her some of the
Xanax she left here, but she’s not having it and Nick wants to take her to the
emergency room.”
I heard him as soon as Mel opened the front door.
“Calm down! Please, Nadia. He’s fine! I spoke to Ty; Adrian’s going to
be okay. I promise he’s okay!”
The worry and desperation in his voice was almost palpable. I understood
his reaction, but it made things worse.
“I don’t know how to help you. Just tell me what to do.”
Nick stood with his back to me in the middle of the kitchen, and
something broke inside me when I saw Nadia. She sat on the tiles under the
patio door, pale and trembling; rocking back and forth; staring into the
distance with unseeing eyes.
Her right hand was on her side, close to her heart, and her left hand held
her right arm the way I taught her.
Unaware of my presence, Nick took a few steps forward. He wanted to
take Nadia’s hand or embrace her, but she pressed her back flat against the
doors, and brought her trembling hands up to cover her face.
“Don’t touch me,” she pleaded. “I told you not to speak to Adrian. He’s
so fragile. God, it’s all my fault.”
“It’s not your fault. If you want, I’ll book you a seat on the next flight to
New York so you can see him, but please stop crying! Just calm down. Take
the pills!”
Nadia curled into a ball and knotted her fingers at the top of her head, her
face hidden behind her arms and a curtain of dark hair.
 “What the fuck are you doing?” I snapped. “You think screaming will
calm her down? You’re just scaring her more.”
At the sound of my voice, Nadia looked up and her brown eyes said
everything I wanted to know—she waited for me to take her pain away.
“What the hell are you doing here?!” Nick bellowed. “Get the fuck out of
my house!”
“Not without her.”
He scoffed, shaking his head. “And you think she’ll go with you? Look at
her! She’s having a fucking meltdown! You think it’s the first panic attack I
have seen? She needs to take this,” he shoved an orange prescription bottle
into my chest. “Or we’re going to the hospital.”
The label read Alprazolam. Like hell I would force Nadia to take it.
James considered Diazepam a better fit, and that was all I would offer her.
I left the pills on the countertop and ignored Nick’s mocking sneer, when
I took the first step toward my girl. She scrambled to her feet, and tears
came on stronger, dropping down from her chin onto the white blouse she
wore.
Powerful shudders shook her small frame; the dame broke, and she no
longer fought the pain. She let it consume her because she knew that the
negative emotions would subside once she was in my arms
I stopped two steps away to leave her in control of the situation, to let her
make a choice—let go of the helplessness or drown in it.
“Come here,” I held my hand out.
She didn’t hesitate as if all she waited for was permission, a confirmation
that I would calm her down regardless of who was watching. I hugged her
tight, and she first rested her forehead on my chest, then fisted my shirt and
inhaled uneven, shallow breaths, regaining control of her own mind.
“Do you need diazepam?” I whispered when the tears stopped.
She shook her head. “Don’t let go of me.”
“I won’t.” My hands slid down to her bum, and I lifted her up then turned
around, aiming for the living room. “Mel, can you get her a cup of
peppermint tea?”
She stood in the doorway; her eyes wide. “Yes, sure,” she muttered, and
rushed to put the kettle on.
Nick watched me, a puzzled expression on his face. He moved when I
carried Nadia out of the kitchen. She held onto me like a frightened,
defenceless child when I sat down in the armchair. She hid her face in my
neck, knotting her fingers behind my head.
“How did you…” Nick began, but I didn’t let him finish.
“Shut up for five minutes.”
He crossed his hands, swallowed his pride and watched the most
important woman in our lives in my arms. The sound of the water boiling in
the kitchen grew louder at a turtle’s pace while my fingers ghosted up and
down Nadia’s spine. Her pulse slowed down, and before the kettle clicked,
she sat up and wiped the last tears away.
“Thank you.” She pressed her cool lips to my cheekbone.
The worst was over, but she was nowhere near as calm as I would like to
see her. She bit on the inside of her lip, and I almost heard the screams in
her head.
“Don’t thank me for doing my job.” I caught her hand and kissed her
knuckles. “I’m proud of you, baby. A month ago, you would have
swallowed five pills and washed them down with tequila.”
Mel entered the room and handed a cup of steaming tea to Nadia,
concern on her freckled face. She was always the one to see the positive
side of things, besides anything related to her wedding. Watching Nadia,
Mel looked powerless, and so did Nick. I expected them to deal with it
better: to have a plan of action, to know what to do.
After all, they had seen it before. They witnessed Nadia’s meltdowns, her
panic attacks and cries, yet they acted ignorant.
“How are you feeling?” Mel took a seat on the far end of the couch and
placed her palm on Nick’s neck, stroking him in a soothing manner. “You
need something else? Wine maybe?”
Nadia shook her head, her body jolted by the remnants of sobs. “Tea is
fine.” She turned to Nick. “You’re right. It’s not my fault Adrian overdosed.
I can’t help but feel guilty. I left him when he needed me most.” She took
my hand and laced our fingers. “The psychiatrist at the rehab facility told
me to leave. He said Adrian was a lost cause, and I believed him. I have
watched Adrian hit the bottom time and time again. When I thought he
couldn’t sink any lower, he proved me wrong.”
Nick looked from the hand I held on Nadia’s back to her face. “Will you
ever tell me what he did?”
She dug her nails into my hand and shook her head. “Is his addiction
dragging us both down not enough? That was the root of every problem we
had. The cause of every fight. It lasted for months, and you know I’m not
the strongest person.”
“You shouldn’t protect him.”
Nick knew there was more to the story. We all did but pushing her for
answers didn’t do her any good. I couldn’t blame him for trying though.
The scenarios that played in my head turned worse: they were more sinister
every day, and Nick must have had similar ideas.
“It’s not him I’m trying to protect.”
Nick squeezed the bridge of his nose, and shook his head, letting out a
long breath. “I’m sorry that I shouted at you, I just… I hate seeing you like
this. I wish I knew how to help you.”
“You can’t. No one can.”
He crossed his arms, motioning his chin to me. “He can.”
“He numbs the pain and fear, but the bruises remain. Don’t be mad at
him, Nick. Be mad at me. I’m the one using him here.”
She slid off my lap, and stood, setting the half-empty cup of tea on the
coffee table. “I need a cigarette. You two,” she pointed to Nick, then to me,
“need to talk. Come on, Mel. Keep me company.”
They left the room, and I braced myself for a fair dose of venom. My
fists balled when he got up. I let him hit me once, and once was enough. My
muscles turned to stone; the atmosphere felt heavy, but it relaxed when
Nick crossed the room, took two crystal glasses from the liquor cabinet, and
filled them with whiskey.
“I was six when Nadia was born,” Nick gave me one glass, sat on the
couch and drank half of his drink. “My father always told me that nothing
matters more than family, and that one day it’ll just be me and Nadia. He
said that I should take care of her the best I can.” He scoffed, shaking his
head. “God, I hated that annoying little girl for years.”
My eyes snapped to him. I hadn’t expected that. Nick never told me why
he loved Nadia so much, but I assumed he was always over-the-top
protective of his sister.
“She was always in the way, messing with my stuff, breaking my toys
and asking more questions than there were answers. She giggled all the time
and clung to me as if I were her security blanket. All I wanted was for her
to leave me alone.” He rested his elbows on his knees. “Dad kept telling me
to be patient, to play with her and loved her, but I used to lock the door to
my room so she couldn’t come in.”
 He raked his hand through his hair, shame crossing his face.
“When I was eleven, Nadia caught the flu. I was happy that she wasn’t
well, because she didn’t bother me for once,” his voice trembled, but he
took a deep breath to calm down. “Two days later, Nadia ended up in the
hospital with a bad case of pneumonia. She was hooked to IV’s, couldn’t
eat or drink and every time she coughed, she turned blue.”
He paused for a minute, staring at the floor as if relieving that day, and I
could tell by the look on his face that he hated himself for treating Nadia
like a burden when she was little.
“She was too weak to speak for the first two days. She slept most of the
time, and I sat by her bed, read her stories and prayed that she would smile
and ask stupid questions. She spent a week in the hospital, and the lesson
my father tried to teach me since she was born finally sunk in. Family
comes first, and Nadia is the most important part of my family.”
That explained why he loved her more than any normal brother loves his
sister. Nick crashed with reality when he saw Nadia in the hospital bed.
Even if he pushed those thoughts away, even if he didn’t acknowledge
them, at some point he had to fear that he would lose her, and there’s no
better wake-up call than that.
“I’m not here to take her from you, Nick.”
He sat straight with his eyes trained on me. “I know. I’m sorry I hit you,
and I’m sorry for how I handled the situation. I pretended not to see, but I
knew there was something going on between you two. You’re a completely
different guy when she’s around. We both know how you treated women, so
don’t blame me for freaking out. She’s my sister. The last thing I want is to
see her get hurt.”
“Your reaction didn’t surprise me. I didn’t expect a blessing, and I still
don’t. You need time to understand that I love her.”
He frowned and stared at me for three seconds before his eyebrows rose
and his lips parted. “What did you say?”
“I love her.”
I didn’t plan the confession. It came out spontaneously but felt right, and
defined the feelings I felt for Nadia and showed me just how pure they
were. I was lost in that girl, buried in her mindset, beauty and personality—
and her strength. She had more of it than Nick and me combined.
Nick exhaled again, but this time easier, as if relieved. His expression
changed from annoyance and reserve to poorly concealed satisfaction.
 We were close friends for two years, and if it weren’t for my lifestyle,
Nick wouldn’t mind me dating his sister. Hell, he might be the one to set us
up in the first place, but my fucking-and-firing the blondes didn’t put me
high on the list of guys worthy of Nadia.
He thought I wanted to get in her pants. But since I didn’t…
Okay, fine—but since that wasn’t all I wanted, he couldn’t object.
“If you love her, why the big secret? Amelia said you were sneaking
around since the day Nadia came back.”
“You don’t want the details,” I said. “Let’s say she had me at an arm’s
length this whole time.”
I would never admit that I slept with the light of his world a few hours
after we met. There was no rational way of explaining how, since the first
time Nadia looked at me, I had no fucking idea where was up and where
was down and that I wanted her for myself then and there.
Nick wouldn’t understand that something drew us to each other; that we
felt better when we were close. He would just think I exploited her
weaknesses.
“I don’t want details. Definitely not but tell me why you didn’t say
anything. You should have come to me.”
My mind drew a blank. There was no easy way around this apart from
making up a lame excuse, but I had lied enough the past weeks, and Nick
deserved the truth. A mellowed version of it at least.
“We weren’t dating until a few days ago. I told you she kept me at a
distance. She only caved when I came back early from Madrid. Before that
we were just…”
“Sleeping around?” Nick fumed; his nostrils flared.
“Kind of. I calm her down and she used that to work through her issues.
She didn’t want much from me, but I think after a while she realised I
wouldn’t give up. As unbelievable as that sounds, she was the one to dictate
the terms.”
He didn’t look like he believed me, but he didn’t look ready to tear me
apart either. I took it as a good sign.
“I know I’m the last guy you would like to see with her …”
“It’s not that. I had it in my head that Adrian was the one, and I can’t
seem to shake the idea. Maybe because he was her first serious boyfriend,
or maybe because they worked so fucking well together.”
Kick me, why don’t you.
 He finished his drink and crossed the room again for a refill. “Jesus, I
can’t believe you love her.”
Neither could I. It felt good to admit it and even better to feel it, but
Nadia had to deal with her past before she could hear it. She cared about
Adrian too much, and I had a feeling that if it weren’t for me, she would
pack her bags and fly over to New York just to hold his hand.
“You’ve been whining at me for two years to settle down,” I said.
He chuckled. “If I knew you would have picked my sister, I wouldn’t
have let her leave for New York two years ago.”
That was more than I ever hoped to hear from him. It was an approval,
the blessing I didn’t expect, the trust I thought I broke.
Nick was smarter than most and knew my asshole persona was just a
front. He saw the way I acted around Nadia, the way I looked at her, and
after two years of friendship, he knew she wasn’t just any other girl.
She was the girl.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 27
NADIA

Lesser evil
Adrian’s lifeless body woke me up time after time for three nights in a
row. Thomas stayed at my apartment, but his proximity failed to keep the
nightmares at bay.
Or maybe it did—maybe I wouldn’t sleep at all if he weren’t there.
Kelly, Adrian’s mom, called the morning after my meltdown, sounding as
if the weight of the world sat on her shoulders. She cried, pleaded, then
begged me to take Adrian back. I understood why she changed her mind,
but I couldn’t help but feel betrayed and abandoned.

The doctor flashed a light into my eyes. “Can you see okay? No double
or blurred vision?”
“No,” I slurred, and closed my eyes. “Just dizziness and nausea. It hurts
like no headache I’ve ever had.”
He pressed his thumb to my wrist to check my pulse. “I’ll give you
codeine for the ribs, and it should help with the head pain too, although
they might not work for the concussion. Depends on how bad it is.” He
handed me a paper cup with four pills. “That’s for pain and nausea. There’s
a prescription waiting for you in the pharmacy downstairs.”
Over the course of six months, I had been a regular visitor in the
Accident and Emergency Department, and most of the doctors knew me by
name. At first, they believed the stories about my clumsiness, but since I
arrived with a black eye and a split lip that required two stitches, they tried
to convince me to press charges. After that, Adrian learnt to watch where he
hit me so I wouldn’t walk around campus with a bruised face. Instead of
closing his fingers around my neck, he gripped my arms to push me against
the wall. Instead of hitting my face, he threw me on the floor, and I would
hurt my knees or hands.
The physical pain was nothing in comparison to the fear he could evoke
just by looking at me with dilated pupils.
 The fear of pain is worse than pain itself.
“You need anything else?” the doctor asked, his hand on the handle.
I dropped my gaze to the floor, tears in the corners of my eyes. My heart
thudded against my broken ribs each breath more painful than the previous.
I shuddered and caught onto my side, doubling over, my mouth parted in a
silent scream.
“Can I,” I whispered, too afraid that nothing but a high-pitched sob
would leave my lips if I tried to speak up. “Can I stay here for a while?”
The door opened, but no footsteps followed, and I brought my head up to
meet the piercing gaze of the doctor’s blue eyes.
“Let me call the police, Nadia.”
I shook my head no, and I regretted it when the nausea intensified.
“Please. How much more can you take?”
“No, he needs help, not police. He needs a doctor, but he’s not ready
yet,” I muttered and wiped away the single tear that dared to roll down my
cheek. “You’re right. I can’t take any more. I can’t watch him destroy
everything he ever cared for.”
Adrian’s boxing career was no longer an option; his grades were
slipping, and he was on the verge of being kicked out of school. All his
friends turned their backs on him. Ty lasted longest—three months before he
packed his bags and moved back home to New Jersey after pleading,
threatening and bargaining with me proved fruitless.
He tried every trick in the book to make me leave Adrian.
How could I? I was ashamed, scared and weak. I had no strength left to
save Adrian, let alone myself, but I still hoped for better days. I hoped that
one day Adrian would realise how much he lost, and it would push him to
seek help.
I was done hoping.
Something broke inside me while I lay on that hospital bed. Whatever it
was, it hit me hard, and every ounce of rage that Adrian took out on me,
every bruise, cut and tear resurfaced.
I couldn’t take any more.
I called Ty and asked him to meet me in Washington where Adrian’s
mother, Kelly lived, oblivious to her son’s addiction.
When she found out about everything Adrian did to me, she cried for
hours. Afterwards, she organised the rehab, paid off a few doctors to have
Adrian admitted against his will, and made me swear to leave and never
come back to New York.

“I won’t come,” I told her, breaking through her pleading. “Please don’t
ask me to go through this again. Ty said Adrian is doing better, and that the
anti-depressants are working.”
“Yes, but…”
“He needs to get better for himself, not for me, Kelly, or else he’ll relapse
a few weeks or months down the line. I’ll stay in touch with Ty, and call
Adrian when he can take phone calls again.”
I cut the call and switched the cell phone off just in case she would try
again. My resolution not to visit Adrian hung by a thread. I reached for my
suitcase ten times over the past three days, but Thomas’s voice sounded in
my head every time.

“I’ve got you. I won’t let go.”

He said that when he witnessed my first meltdown after the

housewarming party. He sounded like salvation.

***

Thomas stopped in front of his bedroom door later that evening, holding
my hand and acting self-conscious.
He positioned me in front of him before he pushed the door open, his
hands wrapped around my stomach.
The bed was set with snow-white sheets and half-a-dozen matching
pillows. Two bouquets of red roses stood on the night tables; petals littered
the floor. The whole room was candle lit, soft romantic music played from
the speaker on the windowsill. Two glasses along with a bottle of
champagne sat next to the third and largest bouquet on the ottoman. It was
perfect and breath-taking, like a set of a romantic movie.
And I hated it.
Thomas kissed my neck, his lips cold against my skin. He acted nothing
like his usual, impatient and adoring self, he was anxious, reserved, and
hesitant. I could tell by the way he touched me, and the tension in his
muscles that he couldn’t adapt to the scenery he created.
“What is all this?” I muttered.
 His lips were distracting me as they ghosted over the line of my jaw.
“I thought we could do it right this time.” He slid the straps of my blouse
down my shoulders.
I took a step forward, then turned to face him. “Right? What was wrong
about the other times?”
He straightened his back. “You don’t like it?”
The anxiousness in his voice made me want to tear the place down.
“No, I don’t like it. I hate it! This isn’t you.”
“But… girls fall for impertinent bad boys and then spend their life trying
to change them into stay-at-home romantics,” he said, as if reciting
someone’s words.
“And you decided to cut one step ahead of me,” I scoffed. “Well,
whoever told you this doesn’t know me. I don’t need flowers or candles.” I
cupped his face, forcing him to look at me. “If I wanted a romantic guy, I
wouldn’t be with you.” I pecked his lips to relax him. “I don’t want you to
act.”
“I knew this was a bad idea when I set to work.”
“Next time trust your gut. I like that when we have sex, you act as if you
can’t get enough, as if you’re there to take what’s yours.”
I entered the room, and took off my blouse, then tossed it on the floor.
Thomas was one step behind me, but I didn’t let him touch me. Instead, I
pushed him on the bed, and let my skirt fall down my legs.
He inhaled at the sight of a black set of lingerie with a tight corset and
matching stockings that hugged my body.
“No touching,” I murmured, slapping his hands away, and began undoing
the buttons on his shirt.
A song I knew well played from the portable speaker—Heartbeat by
Haux, while Thomas clenched and unclenched his fists to stop from ripping
my corset off.
I slid the shirt down his arms, ghosting my lips over his neck. “Take
what’s yours,” I muttered in his ear.
One second I sat astride on him, and the next I laid on the white sheets,
surrounded by rose petals, with Thomas’s lips kissing the inside of my
thigh. I weaved my fingers through his hair and my mouth fell open, when
he slid my panties down and stood to take off his trousers.
“I want you to look at me,” he said, climbing back on the bed.
 I awaited a restless, brutal thrust as he positioned himself above me,
parting my legs, but he slid inside me slowly, inch by inch. A muffled pant
of satisfaction left his lips, and I wrapped my arms around him as his moves
became rhythmic, my moans drowning out the music.
“I’ll never let you go,” he whispered, and without warning, he pulled me
up, and rested his back against the headboard. “Take what will always be
yours, baby doll.”
I rose on my knees, and fell back on top of him, my fingers on his jaw
and my mouth on his forehead. I closed my eyes, breathless and feverish,
basking in the luxury of his unrestrained affection.
My moves grew faster, and my moans louder as the minutes passed. We
were the only people in the world, locked in a bubble, unavailable.
Thomas gripped my hips to keep me in place and pumped his hips up and
down fast and hard, bruising my lips with forceful kisses. The pace alone
was enough for the muscles in my abdomen to contract, but the urgency of
his touch turned the intensity of my orgasm up a notch. His body tensed in
sync with mine, and the low growl that came from deep within his chest
made me faint a little.
Black spots danced before my eyes when I buried my face in the crook of
his neck.
“I’m afraid I can’t move,” I murmured. “My legs feel like jelly.”
Thomas chuckled, then pushed me back until I laid beneath him, gold
speckles sparkling in his cinnamon irises.
“Don’t even think about sleeping. I’m starving.” He pecked my lips, then
reached for his phone to order a take-away.
The food arrived half an hour later. We sat on the floor in the living
room, watching TV. Thomas fed me some of his tortellini but refused to try
my gnocchi. I sat on his lap with a fork-full and did my best to keep him
from wriggling out of my grip.
He finally gave up, but then caught my wrists, his lips drew a line from
my neck through my chin to stop just half an inch from my mouth. I inched
closer but he moved away, denying me his lips. He teased me like that a few
times, driving me livid. I tore my wrists out of his grip, and caught his face,
fastening my lips to his.
“So impatient,” he murmured.
His hands moved down my back as I traced the contour of his mouth, and
he kissed my fingers one by one.
 We moved over to the couch when a movie started—they-killed-him-but-
he-got-away kind. Unlike Thomas, who seemed interested in the plot, I was
far more absorbed by drawing little circles on his jaw.
He kissed my hand every time it got close enough to his lips. His mouth
curved into a smile when I nested my head under his chin and played with
his fingers next. I adored the little scar he had next to his thumb. It was an
inch-long perfect, pale line.
“How did you get it?” I asked.
“You know that game where you stab a blade in-between your fingers as
fast as you can? I got overconfident.”
I chuckled. No surprises there. Thomas was overconfident in all aspects
of his life.
“You put a knife through your hand? Why did you play that game?” I
didn’t want to think about how much it hurt.
He looked down at me with an impish grin. “It was the first night in the
Army. We all did stupid things that night.”
“Army?” I raised on my elbows. “You were in the Army?”
A small wrinkle appeared on his forehead. “Of course.”
It was the twenty-first century. No one was forced to serve, and I didn’t
know a single guy who volunteered. Yet there I was—in the arms of a
soldier.
“That explains a lot.” I kissed his chin. “Arrogance, your huge ego, the
way you look down on everyone…”
Thomas grabbed my wrists and pulled me under him, bringing my hands
above my head. “You’re the most annoying little creature I have ever met,”
he hissed. “I can’t be all flaws, or you wouldn’t be mine.”
“Handsome. Protective. Passionate.”
His lips curved. “Continue.”
“You’re big-headed as it is. No need to add to it.”
“Stubborn.” He kissed the corner of my lips. “Impatient. Delicate.”
“Are those supposed to be my flaws or qualities?”
“Both.” He kissed my lips and moved back to the position we were
before. His eyes focused on the TV, and my fingers returned to drawing
different shapes on his body.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 28
NADIA

Forever and always

I sat on the suitcase wrestling with the zipper. It was almost noon, and I
didn’t have much time left to get ready.
In less than two hours, the girls and I were to walk through the passport
control and into the plane to take first-class seats on a flight to Barcelona.
The guys’ schedule wasn’t as tight, and Thomas was in no hurry, still
occupying the bathroom. We were supposed to meet everyone at Nick’s
house at noon, but it was already twenty till, and I couldn’t see us making it
there on time.
I growled, irritated, and opened the bag for the nth time to check the
contents in case I missed something unnecessary all the other times I looked
for things to leave behind, but all that was still there was much needed: gift
bags, party gadgets and two sets of clothes.
Thomas descended the stairs, a pair of black jeans and a white t-shirt
with stag antlers printed on the chest with “I DO CREW” underneath.
“Classy,” I said.
“Don’t mention it. Thankfully, it’s just for the trip, and then we’re back to
suits.”
“Yes, God forbid you loosened up once every few years.”
He raised an eyebrow, then turned around so I would see the list of dares
printed on the back.
“Kiss five pretty girls?!” I exclaimed. “Kiss five ugly girls?”
“Any complaints should be directed at Scorpio. It was his idea, but don’t
worry. I never kissed an ugly girl and won’t start now.”
Was that supposed to appease me?
A playful smile curved his lips, and he caught my waist. “Jealousy suits
you, baby.”
He kissed me, slid his hands to my hips and lifted me up just so he could
pin me against the wall with my legs wrapped around his middle.
“That’s one pretty girl,” he muttered and kissed me again. “Two.”
 “I’m just one girl.”
“Are you saying you want me to kiss four other girls tonight?”
I smacked his head and rediscovered his lips. “Three.”
“I’ve got you. I wouldn’t kiss another girl even if you approved.”
He pecked my forehead and put me back on the floor, then grabbed my
suitcase, squeezed the top and zipped it up as if it were empty.
“A for all you need, baby doll. Remember?”
Even in the obnoxious t-shirt, he looked as if he just left a photoshoot.
Dark, damp hair kissed his forehead here and there; long, dark eyelashes
made his cinnamon eyes pop, and he smelled like amber, musk, and sex. He
could kiss fifty pretty girls if he wanted to and wouldn’t need to work for it.
“Look all you want, but no touching” I wheeled the suitcase out to the
hallway, the pink, strappy stilettoes on my feet clicking on the marble floor.
“I mean the strippers and the hookers,” I explained seeing his bewildered
expression.
“You think I would risk losing you over a cheap whore?”
“They’re not that cheap.”
“I know. I’m paying for them.” He took both suitcases and walked out to
the car. “No kissing and no touching. And you …” He closed the boot, then
opened the passenger door while I locked the house. “Stay safe, okay? No
mixing. If you have any problems, get the security, and let me know when
you’re back at the hotel. Now, get in. We’re late.”
Yes, we were. When we arrived at Nick’s, a white limo was parked
outside and the girls were already in, sticking their heads out of the
windows, flutes of champagne in hands.
“What took you so long?!” Mel exclaimed, waving me over.
Thomas took my suitcase out of the car and gave it to the chauffeur.
Nick, Scorpio, Ethan and three other guys stood outside, smoking, talking
and waiting for their limo to arrive, but the audience didn’t stop Thomas
from weaving his hand through my hair, and devouring my lips as if it was
the first kiss we shared.
“Have fun, baby. Just not too much fun.”
Alex looked ready to tear my hair out when I took a seat. She looked
even angrier when Thomas, who was already walking toward the guys,
turned around and stuck his head through the open window.
“Almost forgot.” He took a small envelope out of his back pocket, gave it
to me, then pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. “Miss me.”
 The driver set off the moment Thomas stepped away. I opened the
envelope and took out six VIP passes to the hotel spa.
“Looks like we’re getting massaged back into shape tomorrow,” Jane
said, peeking over my shoulder.
“Are we even sure this is Thomas? I mean, he’s like a brand-new person
with you, Nadia.” Mel chirped.
“This was supposed to be an evening without boy-talk,” Alex snapped,
her pretty face red and her arms crossed.
“True, but have you seen the list of dares on their t-shirts?!” Camila,
Amelia’s friend from university said.
Her husband, Jake, was part of the “I DO CREW”.
Jane burst out laughing and dismissed Camila’s worries with a wave.
“Oh please, as if they have the balls to pull through.”
Another bottle of prosecco waited for us in the first-class lounge at the
airport, but I refused to drink just yet. There was still plenty of time for that,
and since I was the maid of honour it was my responsibility to see that the
party would go according to plan.
Besides, I wanted Tequila.
We boarded the plane, and two hours later we landed in sunny Barcelona.
Another limo waited to take us over to the hotel. I rented out a villa with
Thomas’s recommendation. The receptionist greeted us with a smile, and
the bellboy unloaded our luggage. I remembered to tip him, and as soon as
he left, I took my phone out to text Thomas.

So far so good. We’re at the hotel, leaving in an hour. Thank you for
the gift.

You’re welcome, baby. We’re on our way to the hotel, too.

Holding a small package in hand, I knocked on the bathroom door where

Amelia was getting dressed.
“I can’t believe that after all those years of treating you as my sister,
you’ll finally be a true part of the family,” I said, taking a seat on the edge
of the bathtub. “I know you’ll make him happy, Mel, and I know he’ll do
the same for you.”
I spoke two sentences and she was already emotional. I had more to say,
but ruining her make-up or getting her to burst into tears was the last thing
on my list. I kept the speech short and sweet.
“I love you, Mel, and this…” I gave her the gift. “This is to remind you
of all those crazy times we shared together.”
“Thank you,” she hugged me, her eyes wet. “I love you too.”
She opened the package, taking out a silver bracelet with two dozen
charms. Each one provoked a memory. There was the Eifel Tower because
we celebrated her eighteenth birthday in Paris; a giraffe to remind her of the
time one spit on her when we visited a drive-through safari park; a
wellington, because we snuck into a festival when we were fifteen and
danced the night away in mud.
There was also a hen to remind her of whatever was to happen later. I
knew it would be a great night. Not because I planned it but because Mel
and I always had fun together no matter what we set out to do.
“Forever, and always,” she said, and put the bracelet on.
“Forever, and always. Now hurry up, we’ve got dinner reservations in
half an hour.”
I closed the door behind me, slipped into the cocktail dress I had
prepared for the evening, and walked out to the balcony.
I fought the urge to call Adrian for two days since Ty texted to let me
know the suicide watch was over, and that Adrian was in better shape.
Despite refusing to fly over to New York, I wanted to check how he was
doing, and I wanted him to tell me why he overdosed.
With a cigarette in one hand, and a phone in the other, I rested against the
rail, bathed in the afternoon sunlight, and surrounded by the sounds of road
traffic in the distance.
I knew the moment we would land in Barcelona, the moment Thomas
would be far away enough, I would cave and call Adrian. I tried to prepare
for this conversation, prepare for the effect his voice had on me, for the way
he could isolate and brainwash me even from the other side of the Atlantic.
The second he uttered the first word, his voice small, and tired, my
preparations proved useless.
“Puppet.”
Relief washed over me and travelled straight to my heart. The faint
beeping of hospital machines resonated in the background, and I could
almost smell the antiseptic and gauze. The image of Adrian, a strong,
athletic man, lying in a hospital bed flashed before my eyes. I felt sick.
 “Don’t ever scare me like that again,” I said, but my voice broke half-
way through the sentence, and I had to whisper the rest.
There were no tears this time, just overpowering weakness.
“Don’t cry, puppet. I’m okay. I swear. God, you don’t know how glad I
am to hear you.”
I bit my fist and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath through my nose,
and exhaling through my mouth the way Thomas taught me.
“Why did you do it?” I asked when I trusted my vocal cords again.
“Because I lost you. Nick said you’re moving on, that you met someone.
I tried to accept that I hurt you too much, and you can’t forgive me, but I
couldn’t imagine my life without you. I still can’t. What’s the point of all
this if I don’t get a chance to earn your forgiveness?”
“Don’t say that.”
All the bruises, cuts and screams; the fear, panic and tears; everything
lost their significance in the face of Adrian’s suicidal thoughts. It wasn’t his
fault he hurt me. It wasn’t Adrian on the other side of the line. It was the
other guy, the one which was no longer there, because Adrian was clean.
“No number of apologies will change the past, but I need you to believe
that I am sorry, puppet.” He was close to tears. “It wasn’t until rehab that I
saw what I have done to you. With each passing day I was buried alive
under the guilt and hatred, and I broke. I couldn’t take it anymore when
Nick said that this was it—that you were done with me.”
There was not an ounce of doubt in my mind about Adrian’s remorse. If
he could turn back time and never touch PCP, he would do it no matter the
consequences.
“I don’t need apologies. Just please don’t give up. You’re almost out of
the woods, baby. You’re stronger than you think.”
“I love you, puppet,” he whispered. “And I know you may never trust me
again, and that you may never be mine again, but right now I just need you
here. I need a chance to earn your forgiveness. Nothing makes sense
without you, and I know I won’t make it.”
Those few words summoned hundreds of memories. He helped me
through the darkness and pieced together my broken heart, mind and soul.
He watched over me like a guardian angel—always there when I needed
and wanted him and when I didn’t want him, too.
Sometimes I screamed and cursed to make him go away and let me fall
apart in peace because I had no strength to fight, but he always stayed and
fought in my name while I licked my wounds.
Now he needed me to rise to the challenge, but it was like jumping from
the frying pan into the fire.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 29
THOMAS

Weed and dicks

When I booked the hotel in Amsterdam, I settled for the one that
visually appealed to me most. Distance to the strip club was irrelevant since
a limo was at our disposal all night.
I had stayed in dozens of luxurious hotels all over Europe, but once we
walked into Sofitel The Grand with Nick and the rest of the party, it became
my favourite one. A spacious, welcoming hall featured a massive rectangle
reception counter made of white marble, and above it hung the largest
chandelier I ever saw; it must have been at least ten feet wide and four feet
long.
The receptionist instructed three bellboys to take care of our luggage. I
checked in, left my credit card details, hoping none of the guys would get
drunk enough to want to Tarzan the shit out of the chandelier, and followed
the party to the elevator.
“Leave your things, and we’ll meet in the lobby in twenty minutes,” I
said, handing everyone a key to their rooms.
The window in mine overlooked the canal, and the room itself was
almost as well equipped as my house. Above a double bed hung a long
mirror, a desk stood by the opposite wall; and the bathroom had a walk-in
shower large enough to fit three people.
I hung my suit in the wardrobe ready for tomorrow, as I was outvoted
during the flight when it came to swapping the stag-do t-shirts for smart
shirts.
A soft knock on my door came three minutes later.
“What the fuck am I supposed to do for twenty minutes?” Scorpio barged
in. “Oh, you’ve got one too.” He pointed to the portrait of an old man that
hung above the desk. “What’s with that? A very ugly woman is staring at
the bed from her frames in my room.”
“Kiss her. She’ll be one of your five tonight.”
 A pillow hit the back of my head and landed on the floor. I turned around
to Scorpio with my eyebrows raised.
“Are you high already?”
“No, but I better be by the end of the night. Jane let me do whatever I
want, as long as I keep my dick in my pants.”
She probably threatened to cut it off if he didn’t. Still, giving Scorpio a
free pass wasn’t her brightest moment.
“How very generous and stupid of her. She should have at least warned
me since I’ll be the one to carry you back to the hotel and make sure you’ve
got a bucket by your bed.”
Scorpio joined me in the bathroom. “You plan on staying sober?” He
took a bottle of cologne from my hand, sprayed it in front of him, and
stepped forward.
“You’re supposed to spray it on your neck, not on the floor.”
“I know.” He put the cap back on and tossed the bottle in the air for me to
catch. “So? Did Nadia forbid you from having fun tonight?”
“She didn’t, but that doesn’t mean I’ll get trashed. Don’t forget, I’m
hosting this party. Who’ll tell you where to go next if I’m unconscious?” I
put a wallet, phone and room key into my pockets, stopping by the door.
“You coming?”
Scorpio rubbed his hands together. “Where are we going first?”
“Downstairs. It’s dinner time.”
His face fell, but he followed me to the elevator. Nick and the rest of the
party waited in the restaurant, studying the menus. A waiter came over a
few minutes later with two bottles of Cristal. He filled the glasses and took
our orders. We tried to keep the noise down, but a bachelor party of eight
excited guys was bound to get loud.
“Before we all get shitfaced, I would like to propose a toast.” I rose from
my seat with a glass of champagne in hand. “Here’s to Nick and his
beautiful bride to be. May you never regret the journey you’re about to
embark on.”
“This is it, isn’t it?” he asked, clanking his glass to mine. “This time next
week, I’ll be a married man.”
“Now you’re getting cold feet?”
He shook his head. “No way. I have been waiting for this for years. I
couldn’t be happier.”
 “That’s because you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into,” Josh
laughed. He was the financial director at C&G, married, with two kids.
“I’m kidding. Nothing changes apart from the ring on your finger. It
actually gets even better.”
“Sooner or later we’ll all get there,” Scorpio cut in. “I’m next.”
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I took it out under the table and
couldn’t help but smile seeing a text message from Nadia.

Time to see naked firemen.

No touching. You’ve got a soldier at home.

A smiley face arrived two seconds later.

“Wasn’t this supposed to be a no-phones, no-girlfriends evening?” Ethan
asked, eyeing me with disapproval.
He was pissed off with me lately. The fact that I was dating the girl he
had a crush on for years might have had something to do with it.
“Who said anything about no-girlfriends? I only asked you to leave your
phones behind so we wouldn’t all text them every few minutes. You didn’t
expect we wouldn’t keep in touch with them, did you?”
The food arrived before Ethan found his tongue. We ate and chatted for
two hours before we took advantage of the limo that waited outside.
I had heard a lot of things about Amsterdam, and unlike any other city,
everything I heard was true. Last year I flew over to Paris for a weekend to
see one of our pop stars perform. I expected a beautiful, romantic city filled
with history, little cafés, and the best baguettes.
The postcard image was just that—a postcard. In reality, Paris was dirty,
crowded, and full of terrible drivers. The traffic around the Triumphal Arch
was horrendous and the street salesmen drove me nuts. The only impressive
thing was the Eiffel Tower.
Amsterdam on the other hand, turned out to be everything I expected. I
wouldn’t call it the most beautiful place, but it had a feel to it. The little
bridges over the canal; hundreds of bikes wherever you turned your head
and iconic architecture made Amsterdam my second favourite European
destination. I couldn’t wait to see if the world-famous Red-Light District
was as impressive as it was made out to be.
 The chauffeur stopped the car and got out to open the door. “It’s my duty
to forewarn you not to take any pictures while you’re wandering around the
Red-Light District.”
“Why is that?” Scorpio asked, holding a camera.
“Out of respect, for example,” Ethan said.
“Yes, but it is also to avoid having your camera flung in the canal by the
girls’ enforcers. Moreover, watch out for pickpockets. Streets are narrow
and crowded.” The chauffeur raised his hat and took the wheel.
The first thing that caught my attention when we wandered into the
closest street weren’t the almost naked girls behind the glass windows, but
the smell of weed. I knew it was legal, but I didn’t expect so many people to
smoke. It wasn’t just youngsters either. An elderly woman selling roses sat
on a small chair, a joint in her mouth.
“How much do you think they charge for a quickie?” one of the guys
asked when we turned left into a narrow passage.
It was just wide enough for one man, and the brothels were located on
either side every two meters. I felt a little claustrophobic surrounded by
prostitutes.
“Fifty euros,” Scorpio said, and he turned around to look at Ethan when
he started laughing. “What? I googled it.”
The conversation about pricing lasted for a good ten minutes during
which we walked through the never-ending labyrinth of streets. Most of the
girls were young and quite pretty; some looked excited; some stood there
with a bored expression. The legal age to work in a brothel was twenty-one,
but I noticed a couple of girls who looked about sixteen.
After another fifteen minutes, we emerged on one of the main streets.
“Look at that!” Josh yelled running toward a shop window. “It’s a
condom shop!” He pushed the door open, and the guys followed.
Scorpio kept me company while I had a smoke.
“We need to find a coffee shop before we leave. I’m not going back home
until I try the Dutch weed,” he said.
“We’ve passed like a dozen already, and there’s another one.” I pointed to
a shop on the opposite side of the street.
Scorpio’s eyes lit up. He knocked on the condom shop window. “Hurry
up!” he mouthed, waving the guys over.
Nick and I were the only ones not interested in weed. We waited outside
the small coffee house while the others bought their joints.
 “Is that a sex museum?!” Ethan exclaimed, jogging down the street.
“Come on! We’re going in.”
Who put him in charge?
“You ready for the party now?” I asked when we emerged outside forty
minutes later.
Scorpio looked rather disgusted with the tour. “Tell me I didn’t just see
all that! Make me forget, Thomas! Where are the strippers?” He hung
himself on my shoulder, acting like the drama king he was. “I need to see
boobs!”
“You almost broke your leg running in there; don’t complain now.”
“How was I supposed to know the museum of sex is two fucking floors
of giant dicks?”
Nick caught up with us taking a piss of Scorpio’s pained expression.
“You’re jealous of the size? Don’t worry, mate.” He patted his shoulder.
“The size doesn’t matter as long as you know how to use it.”
“Enough with the dick talk. I say we find the limo and get wasted!” One
of the guys yelled.
A sensible one at last.
We turned left at the end of the street and found our limo parked on the
curb by the canal. The chauffeur had some fucking skills to drive a nine-
meter-long car through the narrow roads.
“Did you enjoy the walk?”
“I love Amsterdam!” Ethan yelled and burst into giggles like a sixteen-
year-old cheerleader.
He never could handle his liquor, and obviously, he wasn’t any better
with weed. I put my hand on his head and pushed him inside.
The queue outside the strip club went all the way around the corner of the
building, but thanks to VIP passes, we walked straight in. Music played
loudly and the place was packed despite my wristwatch only showing ten-
thirty. A waitress that could just as well be a stripper seeing that she only
wore thongs, showed us to our table. Another waitress slash stripper came
over two minutes later with a tray-full of liquor. Whiskey, vodka, bourbon.
The guys helped themselves to alcohol, eyeing up the naked ass writhing
around the poles. Instead of joining the stare fest, I took my phone out to
check on Nadia.

Safe and sound?

 I pressed send and left the phone on my lap, expecting a reply within
seconds.
I waited for ten, fifteen, then twenty minutes, convincing myself that they
were okay and, that she was okay and just didn’t hear the phone.
Nick started a second drink when the escort I booked for him arrived.
Candy and Cookie—twins. Tall, slim, pretty and slutty twins.
We cheered when they sat on either side of Nick and whispered in his
ears. He was mortified for the first few minutes, even more so when Cookie
sucked on his earlobe. A reply from Nadia came when I was about to call
her.

Safe and sound, baby.

I breathed a sigh of relief. She was making me crazy—paranoid, even.

And jealous, so fucking jealous. Ethan cringed when he saw me with the
phone, and that was enough for envy to make an entrance.
I’m pussy whipped. Nice to meet you.
As the evening progressed, Nick got creative with the tasks for his escort.
They were supposed to fulfil his every wish, but they couldn’t have
anticipated what they signed up for with Nick. They were prostitutes—
high-class and expensive, but since they were still hookers, they must have
expected a night of blowjobs, handjobs, and sex.
What they got was far from their normal day at the office.
First, Nick asked Cookie to give him a massage while Candy was
supposed to fill up our drinks and fetch more ice.
Innocent, right? Better than sucking Ethan’s dick if you ask me.
It went down the hill from there. At one point I felt sorry for the twins
when they danced the Macarena on the table to earn Nick’s forgiveness for
failing to down six shots in a row, but then I remembered how much they
charged for the night and sympathy evaporated.
The night escalated after a few drinks, and we all competed to complete
the dares printed on the back of our t-shirts. Ethan won as he was the only
one who dared to organise a bar-wide conga, losing his voice while teaching
everyone Chelsea’s chant Ten men went to mow.
He passed out around three in the morning, and not even a bucket of ice
tipped over his head woke him up. Josh and I shoved his sorry ass into the
back of the limo and left him there to sleep it off. We joined him forty
minutes later when half of the party could no longer stand without
assistance.
The groom, who should have passed out in a pool of his own vomit, held
up well, and once we arrived back at the hotel, he was more than thrilled to
keep drinking. He was even more thrilled when I opened the doors to the
Legendary suite, and we were greeted by half a dozen of hookers. Nick
delegated Cookie to make the drinks while Candy was three floors down,
putting Ethan to sleep.
It didn’t take long before the guys took advantage of the hookers. Even
Josh took one over to the bathroom, when he thought we paid no attention.
“Do you want one?”
A guy whose name I hadn’t memorised asked me, motioning his chin to
the two girls left.
I shook my head. “Knock yourself out.”
Scorpio sat next to me, his eyes heavy. “Have you heard from Nadia? Are
the girls okay?”
“Yeah, I would like to know how my wife is,” Nick mumbled.
Two unread texts from Alexandra waited on my phone. My eyebrows
pulled together in confusion when I slid my thumb across the screen. The
first message was a video clip showing Nadia and Amelia dancing on a
raised platform in some club. Mel jumped off the platform and for a
moment, her head floated in the crowd towards Nadia. She reached out and
grabbed Nadia’s ankle, and my pulse sped up like crazy when I watched my
girl take a dive.
“Fuck!” I jumped to my feet.
Nick’s sleepy eyes snapped to me. “What’s wrong?”
I opened the second message and picture of a random guy with his hands
resting on Nadia’s back appeared on the screen. Another guy sat by the
table, watching them with a grin, which I immediately wanted to wipe off
his face with brass knuckles. The glass in my hand went airborne; blood in
my veins turned hot and sticky.
“Thomas!” Nick yelled to get my attention. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know,” I seethed, my chest heaving. “Nadia fell off a platform at
the club. Alex sent me a video followed by a picture of some dickhead with
his hands all over her.”
I dialled Nadia’s number and pressed the phone to my ear.
No answer.
 Of course. I tried again with the same result and my frustration peaked an
all-time high. I tried her a few more times and sent a couple of messages in-
between. Nick and Scorpio watched me clueless, not understanding why I
acted like I was off my trolley.
The head of security the girls were staying at was the next one I rang.
Three years of Spanish lessons paid off when I screamed my head off over
the phone, ordering the security to check the girls’ Villa.
Then, I called Jane, since she was the most likely to answer.
“Thomas? Is everything all right?” she slurred.
Alright? No, it’s not fucking alright, alright?
“What’s going on? Who’s that son-of-a-bitch in the picture, where the
fuck is Nadia and why isn’t she answering my calls?”
Springs cracked on her side of the line as if she sat up on the bed. “Calm
down. Nadia’s here somewhere. She’s okay. I think she’s putting Mel to
sleep.”
“Let me talk to her.”
“Okay, just…”
Her voice trailed off and the line fell silent. I almost sent my phone to
follow the glass, but I held it together and redialled Jane’s number,
squeezing the stress out of my neck with a free hand.
“Sorry,” Jane muttered. “I dropped the phone. Let me just find her.”
I heard the door open, then a few rickety steps before another door
opened.
“Hey, baby,” Nadia said, her voice tired, but calm.
Instead of it calming me down, it pissed me off more. She sounded sober
enough not to do anything reckless.
“Where’s your phone? You promised to keep it on you!”
“We just got back. I was a little preoccupied—”
“I know! What the hell, Nadia? Who were those two assholes and why
was one of them touching you?!”
“How do you…?” She hesitated. “Let me guess. Alex told you.”
“That doesn’t answer any of my questions!”
“You’re unbelievable!” Nadia yelled getting defensive. “You know she’s
obsessed with you! They were with Martha and Jess. Bill is a med student;
he checked if all my bones were intact after I fell off the platform. You
think I wanted him to touch me? You should know better than that by now.
Mel and Jane said either he checks my bones or we’re going to the
hospital!” She paused to scoff.
A commotion erupted in the background. A few male voices yelled in
Spanish, doors banged, and the girls shouted.
“What the hell?!” Nadia cried. “You sent the security up here?!”
“They’re looking for those two jackasses. Are they there?”
“Yes, they came back with Martha and Jess. You thought they were here
for me?! Are you insane? I thought you trust me!”
I rubbed my face and let out a long, calming breath, and then collapsed
back on the sofa. The anger turned to shame. She was right. I flipped off
before I even found out what happened.
“You promised to take care of yourself,” I said, controlling the way my
voice sounded. “Yet here I am, watching you fall off a platform, and some
fuckhead touching you.”
Suicidal fuckhead if I may add.
“This is not what you promised.”
“We were dancing. I had fun like you told me to.”
When have I told her to endanger herself? Or to befriend male strangers
and let them touch her?
The door opened behind me. Ethan stumbled inside, followed by Candy
who tried to keep him steady.
“Thomas! This is the best party ever!” he exclaimed. “I bloody love you,
mate!”
I sighed, ignoring The Drunk Jerk, and focused back on Nadia.
“Please take care of yourself, baby.”
“Done,” she barked, and hung up the call.
Awesome. Now she was pissed off. She had the right to be, though. The
green-eyed monster in my head turned off my rational thinking.
Nick elbowed me in the ribs. “And? What’s going on?”
“They’re fine. Nadia hurt her ribs, but she’s okay. The security is kicking
out the guys who came back to the hotel with Martha and Jess.”
Guilt clouded my vision, and I tapped out a text message to Nadia.

I overreacted. I’m sorry. It drives me insane thinking about someone

touching you. Seeing it was beyond me. You have every right to be mad,
just don’t stay mad long.
 It was seconds before my phone lit up with a reply.
Stop acting like a lunatic and start trusting me!

“Am I acting like a lunatic?” I asked Nick.

“When it comes to Nadia? You almost took Scorpio’s head off with that
glass you threw just now, so yeah. You’re fucking cray-cray.”
“I don’t think you’re cray-cray, Thomas,” Ethan said. “If you didn’t steal
Nadia from me, I would be the same way.” He sat up pulling his brows
together. “I could still win her over her. She could love me.”
“You’ll die trying,” Scorpio laughed throwing a pillow at Ethan.
What was it with him and the pillows?

I trust you, but I don’t trust anyone around you.

Nicholas got up from the couch. “I don’t know about you, but I’m off to
bed. It was a great night.”
As if to confirm it, we heard a girl moan in pleasure from one of the
attached bedrooms.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 30
NADIA

You should be dead

The plane landed at Heathrow late on Sunday. Nick, Thomas and the
rest of the party were due in an hour. I considered waiting for them at the
airport, but Mel’s green complexion and general unwellness changed my
mind.
She dozed off during the flight but was woken up by the urge to throw up
all the colourful drinks she poured down her throat the night before.
Thankfully, she held it in, and the paper bag handed to us by the flight
attendant wasn’t needed.
By the time I lay her on the couch in the living room, Thomas had texted
me that they landed. A peculiar unease settled over me, because I still
hadn’t had the time to process my conversation with Adrian and come up
with an action plan. I was confused, and despite needing to make a
conscious decision to stay or leave, I felt bad keeping the conversation with
Adrian a secret from Thomas.
Amelia fell asleep before I covered her with an orange, fluffy blanket. I
made three cups of coffee, expecting Nick and Thomas back in less than
half an hour.
The longer I thought about what Adrian said the more confused I
became. It didn’t help when he emailed me a one-way ticket to New York
minutes after our conversation. I had one week to decide which road to
take. I wanted to help him through the pain and suffering, since he deserved
a chance, but I could no longer imagine not having Thomas by my side. If it
weren’t for him, I would still consider myself a victim; a weak, bruised girl,
not a fighter and survivor.
The choice I had to make was like choosing between bad and worse;
either stay and risk that Adrian would try to take his life again or leave and
waste the chance at happiness I had with Thomas.
Immersed in my thoughts, I jumped when the front door burst open.
“Honey, I’m home!” Nick exclaimed, imitating Fred Flintstone.
 I got to my feet, the anxiety that arrived with Adrian’s voice no longer
there. Thomas’s presence was enough to push my worries aside.
Twenty-four hours was enough for me to miss him. That wasn’t normal
or healthy, but neither was I.
I rushed to the hallway. Dark circles surrounded his eyes betraying the
lack of sleep. He dropped the bag he held just in time to catch me.
“What’s wrong, baby doll?” His voice quiet, filled with concern.
I inhaled his scent, letting it overwhelm my senses.
The choice between bad and worse was easy with his hands around my
back and his lips on my temple. He was the one I deserved. The trouble was
that he deserved so much more than me.
“Nothing,” I muttered, nuzzling my face in his neck, the smell of
sandalwood and leather better than peppermint tea. “I missed you.”
“Jesus, it’s been one freaking day!” Nicholas snapped aiming to sound
irritated, but the playfulness in his tone ruined the effect. “Where’s Mel?”
“Asleep in the living room.” I stood back on my own two feet “I
wouldn’t wake her if I were you. She’s not well.”
He grimaced, ignored me, and disappeared in the living room to check on
his fiancée.
Thomas ghosted his fingers over my ribs. “Does it hurt?”
“It could be worse,” I chuckled, but he wasn’t amused. “Don’t tell me
you didn’t laugh when I waved my arms like an eagle to keep from falling.”
“Laughed?” Nick reappeared in the hallway. “He smashed a glass of
whiskey against the wall.”
Thomas sent him a warning glare, then back to me. “All of this,” he,
sized me up and down, “is mine now. I would appreciate it if you took
better care of it.” He pecked my forehead, and we followed Nick into the
kitchen. “Take a day off tomorrow,” he told my brother. “I’ll take care of
the paperwork.”
“You could use a day off too.”
The main door opened, and we all looked around, eyebrows raised in
confusion. A voice I loathed with a passion reverberated through the house,
sending cold chills down my spine.
“Hello! I’m here!”
Karen walked into the kitchen in a pair of white cigarette pants and a red
silk blouse with floral patterns. Suitcase in hand, she smiled, and every cell
in my body screamed in agony.
 “It’s Dad,” Nick said, tears in his eyes. He pushed the plate of fish and
chips aside, not breaking eye contact with me.
Silence rang in my ears while Nick swallowed hard as if swallowing a
big lump in his throat to make room for words.
“He had a heart attack.”
My mind drew a blank. The fork I held slipped out of my hand and took
an extraordinarily long time to hit the plate. Time slowed; my heart ceased
to work.
Nick’s words echoed in my mind, traveling through my subconscious,
poisoning every thought. Cold hands gripped my throat, and I couldn’t
breathe. I couldn’t utter a single word, staring at my brother, with his fake
composure and the forced strength he emanated.
He gritted his teeth and wiped his eyes before a single tear rolled down
his pale skin. “He’s gone, baby girl.”

For months I was convinced that my reaction consisted of silence. I

thought I slid down to the floor and cried for hours in Nicks arms. I thought
I dreamt the screams, but the reality was more sinister.
The sheer madness coursing through me, the pain ripping my chest wide
open… I pushed it out of my mind, not wanting to remember the darkness
that filled my heart and soul, but months later, Amelia confessed she was
never more scared than when she walked through the door to find Nick’s
apartment trashed and my hands covered in cuts and bruises from breaking
every glass and plate in the kitchen.
Nick sat on the floor with my head on his lap; torment and helplessness
in his voice when he whispered to Amelia that Dad died.
I was numb by that point, clutching a teddy bear Daddy bought me the
day I was born, and Nick held me until dawn, singing a lullaby our father
used to sing when I was a little girl.
“Hey, mum,” Nick said, his words like a bucket of water in my face. “I
thought you were coming over on Thursday.”
I felt myself tremble; the darkness resurfaced, and pain threatened to turn
into rage and unleash on the woman before me. I squeezed Thomas’s hand,
willing him to work his magic, to turn into Xanax, Diazepam and any other
sedative out there.
“I thought I would surprise you and maybe help a little,” Karen said, her
voice seeping through the cracks in my composure.
 “Let’s go,” I told Thomas the second Karen walked into the kitchen,
leaving the doorway unobstructed.
“Stay,” Nick pleaded, looking from Karen to me and back. “Come on,
we’ll have a coffee together. Catch up?”
I shook my head, holding onto Thomas’s hand for dear life.
One step at a time. Left leg, right leg, left leg, right leg. Leave. Go. Don’t
turn back. Don’t listen. Don’t engage.
“Leave it, mum, she’s not going to talk to you,” Nick said when we were
halfway down the hall.
I focused on my senses: the way my heels clanked against the tiled floor,
the warmth of Thomas’s hand, the creak of the doors opening, the
crunching of the gravel, the smell of water and grass in the cool evening air.
Thomas let go of my hand to take out the keys to his BMW, and the lock
clicked open. I stared at the orange letters printed on his t-shirt, unable to
make out the words.
“Hey,” he muttered, his long fingers on my face.
He opened his mouth to say more, to ask a question or maybe repeat
something I didn’t hear him say, but instead, he pressed his lips to mine, the
kiss firm, calm and demanding.
The door to the house burst open behind my back. I inched away from
Thomas the soothing effect of his lips gone—replaced with a feeling of
impending doom.
“Nadia, wait,” Karen yelled, rushing down the driveway. “Will you
please just talk to me?” She grabbed my arm to spin me around.
The touch of her hand brought to life a side of me I considered buried.
But I was wrong—it was still there, asleep. Karen woke the Cerberus and
the gates to hell stood open.
“Don’t touch me,” I spat out, turning to face her. “Don’t look at me.
Don’t speak to me.”
Her eyes glistened with fresh tears, but it didn’t work on me. The sadness
on her face and the hurt in her eyes all gave me a sick sense of satisfaction
—short-lived—but satisfaction, nonetheless.
“Nadia… sweetie, please, at least let me explain.”
I scoffed; my arms crossed over my chest. “Spare me. Nothing you can
say will change what I think of you.”
“He blackmailed me!” she cried when she saw me flinch toward the car.
“He knew things about Arthur, and—”
 Dad’s name sliding off her tongue diminished any inhibitions I hoped to
have.
“Don’t ever mention his name again, you unfaithful bitch!”
“Nadia, calm down,” Nick cut in, appearing behind Karen.
The pure lava in my veins, the hot, white frenzy in my mind was
unstoppable. I was too far gone to see reason, to reconsider, or to
understand that she wasn’t worth a second of my time.
“Please, let me explain.” Karen took a step back for each one I took
forward. “Nadia, I loved your father.”
“You killed him!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “He’s dead
because of you!”
“I wish I could take it back; I do. Please, I need you to understand,
sweetie. Let me tell you my side of the story. You never let me explain.”
My body trembled. Dad’s face flashed before my eyes and I crossed a
line between anger and hysteria.
“You should be dead,” I cried, shaking all over, and taking one more step
forward. “You should be dead, and Dad should be here.”
“Nadia, stop it.” Nick jumped in front of Karen, caught my arm and
shoved me back at Thomas. “Go home and calm down.”
Thomas wrapped his arms around my middle, but I stepped away, anger
quivering inside me like a loose wire.
“You were the one who wanted us to talk! What did you expect?” I
looked at Karen who stood there, sobbing. “I’ll never forgive you. And after
the wedding is over, you won’t see me again. You’re dead to me. I wish you
were dead.”
I turned on my heel and bumped straight into Thomas’s arms. He hugged
me tight weaving his hands through my hair to calm me down, but this time
I didn’t want to stop feeling.
“Take me to Dad.” I stepped around him and got in the car.
No one dared to stop me. When Thomas backed out of the driveway, I
took a notepad and a pen from the glove compartment, unbuckled my
seatbelt, and climbed over to the back of the car to write a letter to Dad.
“We’re here,” Thomas said twenty minutes later. He cut the engine and
turned to look at me. “You want me to go with you?”
“No. I want to be alone tonight. Go home. I’ll get a taxi back.”
It wasn’t fair to him. He did nothing wrong, and he shouldn’t suffer. My
mind was like a nest of snakes; the thoughts, plans and ideas never stayed in
one place for more than a second lately, and I had to get my priorities in
order.
I opened the door, expecting Thomas to drive away, but he stepped
outside, a packet of cigarettes in hand.
“Take as long as you need. I’ll wait. Maybe by the time you’re done
talking to your dad, you’ll change your mind about being alone tonight.”
I rose on my toes and kissed his lips, not sure what to say.
It was getting dark, but I didn’t mind the cemetery at night. The bench in
front of Dad’s grave was one of the few places I felt truly safe.

Daddy,

I hate her so much it hurts. You used to say that hate causes a lot of
problems, but it fixes none. It’s true. The hatred I feel towards Karen for
taking you from me solves nothing. It doesn’t ease the pain; it just hurts
Nick. It doesn’t bring you back; it takes the one parent I have left.
I tried to forgive her, but it’s impossible. I would forgive Adrian over her
every time. At least I know he hurt me because he was on drugs. Karen has
no excuses. She made a conscious decision to cheat on you. Maybe if you
were still here, if her actions didn’t take you away from me, I would be able
to forgive her.
But you’re not here. You’re dead, and I’m lonely.
It’s funny how I came back to London to start over, and just when I
thought I found a way to do so, my past came back to laugh in my face.
There’s no escaping him, Daddy. I think he’ll forever be a part of me no
matter how far I run or where I hide. I owe him so much, and the time has
come to pay my debt.
Why is life so complicated? Why can’t it be simple? Why can’t there only
be wrong or right; black or white? Why aren’t you here to help me choose?
What am I supposed to do now? Which door to take? I wish you were here
to tell me which one of them is right.
But you’re not, and I’m stuck.
I know it should be easy. Adrian turned my life—our lives into a
nightmare, and Thomas is leading me out of the dark tunnel. He makes me
happy, Daddy. He makes the bad memories fade; he makes me forget the
pain, and when he’s with me it’s like the huge hole in my heart is almost
healed.
 I still miss you, but when he’s around it’s easier to find peace without
having you here. He’s the one I want, and he should be the one I chose, but
it’s not that easy. Nothing ever is, right? Isn’t that what you always said?
I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t know how much more I can take
before I get to the point where I won’t be able to get up again. I’m scared of
making the wrong choice. I’m scared of losing Thomas if I leave, and I’m
scared Adrian will do something reckless if I stay.
There’s no wrong or right choice here. It’s a choice between what’s best
for me, and what’s best for them.

I love you so much, Daddy.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 31
THOMAS

You’re next
Nadia was distant all week. She chased her thoughts most of the time
we spent together, which wasn’t much. Amelia took the week off and
dragged Nadia with her to every meeting, appointment, and dress fitting.
I tried to talk to her and ask about her parents and Karen, but she
dismissed every question. After a few tries, I gave up, not wanting to
armour the wall that grew between us the moment Karen arrived. I had a
feeling that Karen was only partially responsible for Nadia’s daydreaming
though.
The week dragged on as if it dragged last week’s dead body behind it.
The anticipation ahead of the wedding hit an all-time high, and even I got a
bit nervous by Friday. The good thing was that Nadia’s worries were pushed
out by excitement, and by the time Saturday morning arrived, she was more
or less back to her normal self.
“Why aren’t you here? I need you! Get down here right now!”
Amelia screamed down the phone so loud that I heard every word despite
standing in the doorway of my living room.
It was just past eight a.m., and the hairdresser was finishing Nadia’s hair.
I was still in my gym pants, sweaty from my morning work-out. I half
hoped for a morning work-out session with Nadia’s naked body writhing
underneath me, but since she was up before the alarm I settled for the gym.
“I’ll be there in thirty, Mel. Is the hairdresser there?” This time I didn’t
hear the reply. “Good. Sit down and let her do her job.”
She hung up after that and glanced over her shoulder. “Why aren’t you
ready? Mel’s freaking out; we need to leave soon.”
She shooed me away, and the small chance I hoped I had for morning sex
was gone. Twenty minutes later, we were on our way to Nick’s house, and
once we arrived, we were swallowed by the chaos.
No, really, it was disgraceful.
 Nicholas jumped out on us as soon as we entered the house. “Do
something!” he yelled over the noise of seventeen people talking at once.
“Everyone’s everywhere! No one knows what to do! I don’t know what to
do! Mel’s throwing up every ten minutes; her mum is crying, and…”
“Whoa. Calm down.” I patted him on the back. “Calm down.”
I looked around the madness. There were people everywhere, shouting
and running around like a flock of sheep without a dog to herd them into a
pen. Scorpio was on the phone, screaming. Mel’s foster parents, Jack and
Grace, were in the living room, arguing. Karen was rushing down the stairs
with Nick’s suit jacket in hand, and the bridesmaids giggled in the corner.
I caught Nadia’s hand when Karen approached, half expecting another
round of screaming, but Nadia held her head up high, and swallowed her
pride. I knew she did it for Nick’s and Mel’s sake, but I was still fucking
proud of her considering how much hatred she harboured toward the
woman.
“Enough!” Nadia yelled, standing in the middle of the hallway.
“Everyone, shut up!” They all turned to her, surprised. “Here’s how it’s
going to go: Grace, you need to be upstairs with Mel. Groomsmen go in the
living room, bridesmaids in the kitchen. Jack, you’re in charge of the
groomsmen—make sure they look decent. Karen,” she swallowed hard and
grinded her teeth, “take over the bridesmaids.” She rolled her eyes, when no
one moved. “Do you need an invitation?! Go!”
They did. As directed, groomsmen went to the left, and bridesmaids went
to the right. Karen watched Nadia for a second, probably stunned that she
addressed her by name and not by “bitch”, then spun around and got to
work as if fulfilling Nadia’s order could earn her forgiveness.
“Make sure they don’t get out of control again,” Nadia told me, looking
over her shoulder. “I’m going upstairs.”
The remark about Amelia throwing up stopped me from climbing the
stairs to say “Hi”. Instead, I got Nick a glass of champagne, and tried to
blend in, so no one could ask me what time it was, when the cars were
arriving, or where their fucking bowtie was. Nadia came back five minutes
later, and once again took control. Within thirty seconds, Ethan was on his
way to the pharmacy for some over the counter anti-nausea medication, and
everyone knew where their fucking bowtie was.
“I need you,” Nadia took my hand. Long, manicured nails dug into my
skin and she stepped closer to my side. “Karen,” she shouted, waiting for
her mother to join us in the hallway.
I fell in love with her that much more. She trusted me to keep her in
check, to soothe the torment in her mind whenever Karen was about. I put
my hand around her waist, leaning into her ear.
“I’ve got you. And you’ve got this.”
Karen emerged from the kitchen, pale and self-conscious.
“Grace is falling apart up there, and it’s not helping Mel. Take her place
and calm Mel down. I need to get the dress and the bouquet ready.”
“Of course,” Karen said.
She watched Nadia as if debating whether now was a good time for more
apologies and explanations, but Nadia didn’t let her get another word in
when she stepped in front of me, and planted her lips on mine as if she
needed a bit more than just my hands around her to stay sane.
The noise level dropped a few decibels when she devoured my lips in the
middle of the hallway, paying no attention to the audience.
“You need me to do anything, baby doll?”
“Yes. Take care of the groom. I’ll handle the rest.”
A calmness settled over the cottage once the groomsmen were made
presentable by Jack, who had to tie everyone’s bowtie as no one knew how.
Amelia stopped throwing up, and the bridesmaids walked out to the back
garden to giggle some more.
Of course, nothing lasts forever, and chaos erupted again when we
gathered outside the church both before and after the ceremony. It was a
good thing that Nadia knew how to handle an insubordinate crowd without
offending anyone.
If it were me, I would throw a few fucks and idiots at random people as a
form of a reliable tactic designed to make them listen. Nadia settled for
discipline and confidence. She was sexy as hell bossing everyone around
and earned permission to do that to me in bed sometimes.
Amelia and Nick were all hearts, kisses and smiles when we arrived at
the venue, and guests started the usual ritual of wishing them all the best.
Since Nadia and I did that earlier, I took her hand in mine and walked over
to the main table.
“Tell me this is not what all weddings are like,” Scorpio said leaning over
the back of my chair and motioning to the happy couple. “It looks like
torture. I’m starting to worry they’ll never lose those idiotic grins.”
 Nadia punched his shoulder. “Stop being an ass. And to answer your
question—yes, you will have to do this one day, and if I were you, I would
make sure that day comes sooner rather than later.”
“Why?” He pulled a chair out and took a seat. “Did Jane say something
to you? She wants to get married? Have babies? When? Now? What did she
say?”
“Good job not freaking out,” Nadia chuckled. “She only suggested that
all our hen parties should be in Barcelona. She wants to make it a tradition.
But, you’re what, twenty-eight? And you’ve been together for how long
now? Unless there’s something holding you back, go for it. You’re not
getting any younger.”
Scorpio glanced at me for help.
“I’m with her on this one.”
“Of course you are,” he scoffed, then made a sound that was supposed to
resemble a crack of a whip.
Nice one.
Disappointed that I didn’t have his back, he disappeared in the crowd to
find Jane. Nadia sipped on white wine, looking around for things that
required her attention.
“Why don’t you take care of the caterers and I’ll manage the band. We
can entertain the guest together,” I said.
She focused on something at the back of the room. “I’ll be right back. I
think Mel’s having a hard time with her dress.”
During the next four hours we had time for just one dance, and then Nick
stole her from me, so I took Mel’s hand instead. The first glass of double
vodka on the rocks, which I ordered when we walked into the venue, still
sat on the table. I had maybe two sips from it. The ice melted and watered
down the alcohol deeming it undrinkable.
When midnight struck, the bridesmaids almost ended up in a group
catfight over Amelia’s bouquet. Alexandra caught it and was already lifting
it for everyone to see when Jane tackled her and tore it out of her hands.
She stood up and flattened her dress, beaming.
I patted Scorpio’s back. “Good luck, mate. You should get that ring on
her before she scratches someone’s eyes out.”
Ethan scoffed, standing beside us. “Please don’t. I hate weddings,” he
muttered. “All these old people keep patting my back with a grin, saying,
“You’re next”. I don’t even have a girlfriend!”
 “Return the favour at the next funeral,” I said.
The room started emptying around one o’clock in the morning, and soon
it was only the young ones still dancing, drinking and shouting.
“Can you check with the band if they can stay until we’re done here?”
Nick asked when I came back to the table with my second drink. “They’re
booked until three, but I think we’ll be here longer.”
I set the glass aside and made my way across the room. Nadia grabbed
my hand and pulled me in for a dance before I reached the band. She stayed
on the dance floor for thirty minutes dancing with every guy left in the
room, her cheeks flushed but a big smile on her lips.
“Sit down,” I said three songs later. “I need to talk to the band.”
“I’ll get some air. Join me when you’re done.” She turned on her heel and
walked over to the patio doors.
The lead singer had no problem staying until everyone left. Nick paid
them enough to cover a weekend of playing, so they had no reason to be
awkward. Besides, he had his heart on a record deal, and thanks to the
unique sound of his voice, he had a shot at making it happen.
It was close to four in the morning when Nadia, cuddled in my arms at
the main table, began yawning. Eight of us were left in the room, but the
band played on. The singer sang a soft, acoustic version of Cry Me A River
by Justin Timberlake.
“Should we call it a night,” I whispered in her ear, and smiled when
goose bumps covered her neck. “You must be exhausted.”
“No less than you.”
“Come on.” I patted her hip and stood when she slid from my lap.
“We’ve got the whole day tomorrow to keep celebrating.”
Nick had a brilliant idea halfway through the wedding reception to invite
half of the guests that were still in the room over to the cottage for a big
barbecue. He even arranged with the catering company to prepare the food,
and a big, fat check made it possible.
We entered room thirty-one on the second floor, and Nadia changed into
a white nightdress, and climbed onto the bed, where I lay, ready to pull her
to my side and tuck her in. She had different plans, and despite the
exhaustion, the moment she sat on my lap, my batteries recharged. I didn’t
like the aura of insecurity surrounding Nadia, the sadness in her eyes, and
urgency of her touch, but when she opened her mouth to speak, she lulled
me into a false sense of security.
“You’re my heaven, Thomas.”

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 32
NADIA

Jumped ship
Inaudible sobs shuddered my body when I closed the door to room
number thirty-one, taking care not to make a sound. I tiptoed across the
long corridor, my footsteps muffled by the red carpet, and then ascended the
stairs with a small suitcase in one hand and a tote bag on my shoulder.
Once in the lobby, I set the suitcase on the floor, and wheeled it toward
the reception desk. An older gentleman sat behind it, read a newspaper, and
drank green tea from a small, white cup. The name on a gold plaque pinned
to his navy jacket read Alistair.
“Good morning. Trouble sleeping?” he asked, his eyebrow raised. “The
Groom hasn’t yet made his way to bed, and you’re up already.”
“I have a plane to catch.” I cleared my throat and wiped my face. There
was no hiding how upset I was. “Is my brother still in the venue?”
“No, he left with one of the groomsmen about an hour ago. I believe they
craved junk food.”
I cringed. Amelia spent a long time designing the perfect menu for the
wedding, but Nick complained to me during the night at least half a dozen
times that he was starving because the portions were tiny.
“Please don’t tell him I left.”
Alistair bowed, and took the key from the countertop. “As you wish.
Should I order you a taxi?”
“No, thank you. One should be here in ten minutes.”
“Well, then. Have a nice flight.”
I wiped more tears, then smiled the best I could, and walked outside.
Instead of calming down a little while the clouds of smoke filled my lungs,
I freaked out more with each passing second.
Abandoning Thomas was the cruellest decision I ever made. Abandoning
Adrian couldn’t compare. He deserved to be left for what he did. Thomas
did nothing to drive me away, nothing to warrant the broken heart he was
getting from me as a thank you gift for the help he offered. He gave me
reason after reason to stay, but how could I stay and risk that Adrian would
try to take his life again?
Five minutes passed. I glanced around, willing Thomas to stay asleep.
Every sound had me jumping out of my skin, every voice in the distance
quickened my pulse. My hands grew cold and damp; my muscles tensed,
and every time I blinked, Thomas’s face flashed before my eyes, his
cinnamon irises full of sadness.
It would have been better if I had the courage to face him, explain why I
chose to leave and help the man who left me traumatized. But courage
wasn’t my strongest suit, and like a coward, I wrote Thomas a letter, and
left it on the pillow.
“Nadia? What are you doing up?”
I heard behind me, and spun around, my pulse like a blaring thunder.
Nick and Scorpio stood by the entrance to the hotel, still in their tuxedos,
although neither wore a bowtie anymore, and a couple of the buttons on
their shirts were undone. Scorpio munched on sad looking chips from a
polystyrene box, his eyes narrowed at me.
My vocal cords stuck together, and a mild panic attack lurked nearby
when Nick scanned my tear-stained face.
“Where are you going?” he asked, taking a few steps forward. “Are you
…” He paused, adding two and two together. “You’re going back to New
York?”
A whimper was my first answer. “I have to.” I gripped the handle of my
suitcase in case either of them decided to hold it hostage. “Adrian needs me,
and I owe him so much.”
I looked at Nick but aimed the words at Scorpio. Out of the two of them,
he was the one I expected to try and stop me or run upstairs to wake
Thomas. I half expected Nick to hug me, and wish me a pleasant flight, but
something entirely different came from his mouth.
“Where’s Thomas? He doesn’t know you’re leaving, does he?”
Scorpio glanced between me and my brother, then turned on his heel. I
lunged forward to grab his arm.
“Don’t tell him. I left him a letter, but I can’t …”
“You can’t say it to his face that Adrian’s more important?” he scoffed.
“Figures.” He snatched his hand out of my grip. “Thomas loves you, Nadia,
and you’re about to ruin him. Don’t to it.”
 The taxi pulled onto the car park and stopped by the entrance. The driver
got out of the car and Scorpio bolted inside the building.
“I don’t know what Adrian did,” Nick said, “but you told me time and
time again that he doesn’t deserve you. Don’t go back to him.”
“I’m not going back to him. I’m going back for him. Adrian’s out of
rehab. He’s clean and needs me to stay clean and stay here. I wouldn’t be
able to live with myself if he were to overdose again. I can help him.”
A war raging in Nick’s head was visible on his face. He was torn, unsure
whose side to take.
“Thomas won’t wait for you, sis. If you leave, you will lose him. He
might act all tough, but it’s just a front.”
I wheeled the suitcase toward the driver who watched us in confusion. He
locked it in the boot, left the back door open for me, and took the wheel,
ready to go.
“I know, and I also know that he deserves so much more than the mess I
am. All I do is drag him down, and he should be with someone who builds
him up.”
I wrapped my arms around Nick and kissed his cheek.
“Don’t go,” he pleaded. “Please don’t go. Scorpio’s right. It’ll ruin him,
Nadia.”
I couldn’t believe the distance he walked since he found about Thomas
and me. From throwing his fist at his best friend to choosing him over
Adrian—the one he hoped I would marry.
“I’m sorry. It kills me to leave the one good thing that happened to me in
a very long time, but I have to leave. Take care of him for me. He’ll need
you.”
I slid inside the car and ordered the driver to go. He pulled away from the
curb, and I turned around to get one more look at my brother standing
where I left him, with his hands knotted on the nape of his neck, and a
disbelieving, disturbed look on his face.
Just then, Thomas ran out of the building, barefoot in a pair of jeans and
a grey t-shirt. His hair was a mess, but he looked awake and alert despite
being dragged out of bed an hour after he fell asleep.
“Don’t stop,” I told the driver, my vision blurred with all the tears.
He put the foot down when he glanced in the rear-view mirror.
Thomas ran across the car park at full speed but stopped once we turned
right onto the main road.
My heart jumped ship to stay with him—where it belonged.

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Continue for a sneak-peak of Book 2 in the Deliverance Duet.

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 CHAPTER 1
THOMAS

Badass
Pain woke me up. A stubborn, sharp, stabbing pain. My mouth tasted
like a piece of old carpet and my head weighed about two tons. There was
also the beetle that tried to chew its way out of my brain through the back
of my left eye, while humming an off-key version of Baby by Justin Bieber.
It could only mean one thing—a hangover.
Not a standard-issue one, though. My hangover killed Chuck Norris.
That’s how fucking badass it was. Lately, they were all pretty badass, but
this was a brand-new level of evil.
Opening one eye took effort. My eyelids must have been glued together. I
looked around the room, not daring to move my head or, God forbid, try to
sit. I couldn’t remember anything from last night, and to make things worse,
I had no fucking idea where I was.
The walls, or the parts I saw with one eye, were painted dark purple—
sangria or eggplant maybe. A white, French-styled wardrobe stood to the
left of the bed next to an open window. I tilted my head ever so gently to
the right and saw a pair of wooden doors, a night table, and a framed quote
in French on the wall.
Was I in France?
I didn’t recall boarding a plane, but then again, I couldn’t recall any
details, so it was safe to assume I may have boarded a plane. But why the
hell would I go to France? I hated France.
A breath of fresh air moved the curtain net, breached the room, and
reached my face, causing a wave of shivers to erupt down my spine. Every
muscle in my body screamed in agony.
Maybe I didn’t fly here… maybe I ran.
After another few minutes of picking my brain for clues, I gave up and
decided to start moving. I looked at the nightstand again, expecting to find
my phone there. When that didn’t work, I sucked in a harsh breath and sat
up, thinking it’d be better to do it Band-Aid style.
 It wasn’t. Obviously.
The room spun a few times, and I had to grab onto the sheets to stay
where I was. I swung my feet off the bed, rested all of my body’s weight on
them, and made my way to the en-suite bathroom, dragging said jelly-like
feet across a fluffy, grey carpet.
The reflection gawking at me in the mirror would make a spot-on
Halloween costume—pale skin, dark circles surrounding my bloodshot
eyes. I turned on the tap and washed my face with cold water to sober up.
It didn’t work. Obviously.
There were times in my youth when I got shitfaced and couldn’t
remember details from the evening, but this was the first time I didn’t
remember what I did even before I started drinking.
Maybe because I started some two weeks ago.
Anyways, whatever I had—or however much I drank, must have been a
record.
I found mouthwash in the cabinet under the sink, fake-brushed my teeth
and tried to keep quiet when I left the room in case the owners, whoever the
fuck they were, were still asleep. My mouth curved into a smile when the
door opened onto a familiar corridor.
I wasn’t in France. I was at Scorpio’s.
Figures.
My feet carried me through the landing and downstairs to the kitchen.
The host sat by the table with a cup of coffee in hand.
“What were we drinking last night?” I asked. “Jet fuel?”
Scorpio put the morning paper to the side, a frown on his forehead.
“Good morning to you too, dickhead. Feeling rough, are you? I fucking
hope you are.”
“Oh-kay. Whatever I did to piss you off, I’m sorry. Cut me some slack, I
can’t remember a thing.”
“I have been cutting you some slack for two weeks now! You’re out of
control, Thomas. You need to get your shit together!”
I massaged my temples, the raised tone of his voice like needles in my
eardrums. “Fine. Care to share? What did I do?”
Scorpio pointed to the window, and I looked over there, then cringed at
the sight of my BMW parked over the stone fence.
Should I explain that the fence was ruined and so was Jane’s beloved
flower bed? Oh, and the car was trashed, too, in case you wondered.
 “You came here at two in the morning, shitfaced, mate. You couldn’t
fucking stand, let alone drive. And you just sat there, both hands on the
steering wheel, looking into the distance like a retard. I knocked on your
window, but you didn’t even flinch. I dragged you in here, and then,” he
motioned behind me, “you drank all that by yourself.”
I turned around and winced at the sight of an empty bottle of vodka on
the countertop.
“I’m sorry about the fence, and about turning up here in the middle of the
night, again. I’ll have it fixed. Where’s my phone and my watch?”
“It’s almost noon,” he said, the anger fading from the tone of his voice.
“You didn’t have your phone, and your watch is in the living room. You
took it off when I hit you.”
My eyes widened. “You hit me? Why did you hit me?”
“I’m surprised your jaw doesn’t hurt,” he scoffed. “You were out of
bloody control, mate. I mean, you tried to smash my console, and no one, I
repeat, no one gets to touch my console. I had to nail you.”
“And I took my wristwatch off to fight you. I guess it didn’t work out
well for me.”
“You forgot about the fight before you got the watch off.” His features
hardened. “You’ll get yourself killed, Thomas. This has to stop. You have
been drunk for two weeks straight now. Does it at least help?”
I shrugged, a new wave of pain, far worse than the physical one ripped
my heart to shreds. “Nothing helps. Nothing takes the edge off.” I rested my
face in my hands pulling on my hair, helplessness penetrating my structure.
“She’s all I think about. I have bought more tickets to New York since she
left than there are seats on those fucking planes.”
“Nadia’s gone, Thomas. I’m sorry, mate, but if you don’t accept it soon,
you will get hurt.”
I took out the letter she left on her pillow in the hotel and passed it to
Scorpio. I had read it so many times, the words were etched into my brain
like a sad, idiotic poem a teacher made you memorise in primary school. I
didn’t show it to anyone yet, not even Nick, even though he asked more
than once, but I needed someone to read it and tell me what the fuck I was
supposed to make of it.

Thomas,
 The road to heaven leads through hell.
I went through hell and found you at the end of the road. Now I have to
turn around and walk away from heaven.
By the time you wake up, I’ll be halfway across the Atlantic. Or so I
hope. God knows I can’t look at the disappointment in your eyes. I think I
would die a little if you would ask me to stay, because I can’t stay no matter
how much I want to be with you.
Adrian needs me more.
He’s broken and fragile, and I owe him more than you can imagine. Now
I need to return the favour.
Don’t think leaving you was an easy decision. Don’t for one second
wonder if I care about you. I do. I care so much it scares me, because it’s
only been a few weeks and you turned my world into a better place simply
by being there.
And for that, and a million other things, thank you.
I hope you see why I’m leaving. I hope you understand that if anything
were to happen to Adrian because I wasn’t around to help him, I’d fall
apart beyond repair.
Please don’t hate me. I don’t think I could handle that. And please find
someone who’s worth your time and effort.
You’re quite a something, Thomas, and you deserve to be with someone
without the ugly baggage I carry. You deserve so much more than I can
offer, and I hope you’ll find it soon.

Nadia.

“Well, she got one thing right,” Scorpio spat out. “You do deserve
someone better than her.”
Wrong.
There was no one better than Nadia.

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