The Hegemonocle

The Hegemonocle
Volume 13, Issue 2

$5.00 - Resale for more than original price is highly unethical

 THE Macalester
HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine
Volume 13, Issue 2
Fall 2015
The Poster Issue

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Lydia Karlson ’16
Tom Wakin ’16

EDITORIAL
Associate Editor
Austin Parsons ’17
Head Writer
Jamie Goodin ’17

DESIGN
Head of Production
Ivy Bardaglio ’16

STAFF

Coat Rack ’99 Natalie Kronebusch ’17 Thali Zikos ’18

Spencer Carter ’16 Eli Lilleskov ’17 Elizabeth Goldstein ’19
Anthony Granai ’16 Yafiet Bezabih ’18 Will Milch ’19
Liam Downs-Tepper ’16 Sarah Coleman ’18 Elena Santarella ’19
Mo Usavage ’16 Kate Garrett ’18 Valerie Stenerson ’19
Declan Cummings ’17 Sean McDonald ’18 On Sabbatical
Ellie Fuqua ’17 Noah Mondschein ’18 Myles Ambrose ’17
Xander Gershberg ’17 Danny Ochoa ’18 Marissa Heim ’17

SHOUT OUTS

Riff Raff (for that Twitter follow)

Chanter (for their most recent Chant)
Tubbs (for that tasty fish jerky)
B.L.L. (for making another appearance in CC 214)
GILFs (ayy)
Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11

Contact us:
hegemonocle@macalester.edu
@hegemonocle
facebook.com/hegemonocle
The Macalester Most characters appearing The Hegemonocle is published four times
Hegemonocle in this work are fictitious. per academic year.
Macalester College Any resemblance to real
1600 Grand Avenue persons, living or dead, is All content, except what we’ve stolen
Saint Paul, MN 55105 purely satirical. from elsewhere, is © The Macalester
Hegemonocle, 2015.
Editorial
Hello! Welcome to the final issue of the year. We have spent hours working on this edition at the expense of
our academic standings, romantic relationships and overall well-being. We have also spent hours studying,
and by studying, we mean smoking cigarettes, masturbating, and online shopping for shoes, and by shoes,
we mean pale, pink ballet flats. That’s how low we’ve sunk.

The screens and pages, keyboards and pencils, red and grey bricks of Marvin Plaza have rendered us lifeless.
We hope that this issue, replete with better, more intentional jokes than any other publication on campus,
will do the opposite to you. We hope you balloon with life! Swell and swell, each individual seam of your
body strains to contain the life Hege has brought. Oh god, it feels so good! Soon you start to quiver, tremble,
shake……….. until you EXPLODE!

Human guts splatter the red and grey bricks. Onlookers onlook in horror and amazement, but mostly horror.
This is not what they expected to see on their way to lunch. Breakfast, maybe. But never lunch. They’ll stop
and look aghast. Immobile, complete in their aforementioned horror. Then, they’ll hear another boom echo
over Shaw Field. And another. And another.

Hark! What is that they see? Oh, happy day! Oh, joyous occasion! A haze of purple smoke appears in the spot
of explosion for the first reader. It fades. There stands the very reader! Covered in an unidentifiable slime and
a significant amount of glitter, hedgehog needles poking from their hair. Their eyes are glowing and their
skin is soft. Oh, so soft.

We all know it’s true. The Hege has restorative properties. We also know how you feel this part of the year. If
you’re having a tough time with finals, we hope this Hege fills you with ever-expanding life.

Enjoy. Now. :-B

- Lydia Karlson and Tom Wakin

The Macalester Hegemonocle
December 2015

P.S. The cover is a poster! Feel free to remove it, put it on your wall, gaze lovingly at it, masturbate to it
or what have you.
 E W S :
I N G N THE HEGE WEEKLY
B R E A K
ONE-FOURTH OF MACALESTER
STUDENT BODY FUSED TOGETHER
AT WINTER BALL
Confirming rumors reported last Friday, administrators have stated that approximately one-fourth of the
Macalester student body fused together in a tragic accident at this year’s Winter Ball. Witnesses say that the
incident occurred at approximately 10:25 pm on Saturday, November 21st in the Capital Concourse room at
the Minnesota History Center.
“I was just standing by the staircase drinking cucumber water when I looked over at the dance floor,” said
junior Sarah Goldman. “At first I just thought everyone was super sweaty or something, but then I realized that
they had actually, like, melded together!”
The mass of human flesh proceeded to gyrate on the floor before slowly oozing down four flights of stairs,
absorbing more bystanders as it lurched. After upsetting a display on the Minnesotan fur trade, the blob
attempted to board a school bus back to campus.
First-year Josh Lutz was shocked when his roommate Simon Corkery sexiled him by bringing not one, but 250
people back to their room in Dupre.
Professor Gerald
McClugen of
the Chemistry INT
department at
I N G ! RIG
Macalester explained
R I F Y UIN
that the phenomenon
was likely the result
HO R G!
of a dangerous
and near-lethal
combination of
different substances.
“We’ve realized that
a high blood-alcohol
content produces
large amounts of
S I NG !
methylcarbinol
bodily tissues.
in
If ARO U
combined with highly
concentrated levels
of adrenaline and
desperation, and then exposed to friction, the resulting biochemical structure is capable of fusing human
flesh.”
Student EMTs who reported to the scene eventually managed to dissolve the mass using several gallons
of Pedialyte and a liberal dose of reality. Students emerged from the glob still sexually frustrated but now
dangerously dehydrated.
When asked for comment, an official at the Minnesota History Center stated the organization was “so thrilled”
to have signed a five-year venue contract with Macalester.
 OPINIONS
Letter to the editors from a millipede
Hi Guys,

I’m a millipede; wow I’ve got a lot of legs. I really love The Hegemonocle, almost as much as I love digesting dead
or decaying plant matter. Yum! Do you think you could write more articles about scuttling, or having two pairs
of jointed legs on most body segments? If you did that, it’d be even better than having a third pair of spiracles
located ventrally on each body segment near the base of my legs, and having two is already pretty great! Holy
guacamole, what am I supposed to do with all these legs? I don’t even know how many I have. Do you think the
theme of the next issue could be slow moving detritivores? That would really stimulate my tufts of detachable
bristles. Also, I love HBO’s 2002 television series The Wire ; it’s my favorite show, and I would love to read some
content about that too. Anyway, have a nice day; I’m go-
ing to curl into a tight coil and try not to be preyed upon
by various reptiles, amphibians, birds, mammals, and
insects. Jeezus, I have so many legs.

Sincerely,
A friendly diplopod

Things I'd Rather do

Than Sign Your Petition
• Say something with racist undertones1 • Ring the bell7
• Let out a fart on the fourth floor of • Go to Winter Ball8
the library during finals2 • Watch Zombeavers™ with my FYC9
• Drink Cafe Mac coffee3 • Meet my weed dealer10
• Lick the floor4 • Watch Anime porn in the Chapel with
• Drink lukewarm Hamm’s in that guy’s no headphones11
basement5 • Read The Mac Weekly12
• Take a Chipotle shit6 • Sport

1
At an MPIRG meeting 7
Alone
2
Loud, Dry, Raspy. It smells good to you, but 8
Sober
could kill a kitten 9
They’re a bunch of fucking chodes
3
On an empty stomach 10
In the 30 Mac lounge
4
At Plum’s 11
We have a Chapel?
5
My RA sort of knows him and I think he’s on 12
Ok, this one is a joke
that team that won a game once
6
On Doty 5 [extra spicy]

7
 h o n i e s !
b = Bi g P
t i n g C l u
O u
The Macalester Outing Club is known for their sex and opium fueled escapades into the
wild, wild wilderness. Students set out on their trips weak-willed with poor bone structure and re-
turn with 2.5 more ruggedness, soaked from cranium to phalange in a sleek, luminous liquid.

However, it turns out all this is complete horseshit. “Yeah we just set up a bunch of tents on
the median,” club president Bear Roasts said. “I’ve actually never left the Macalester-Groveland
area. What’s it like out there? I bet it’s nice.”

Roasts assured us that you don’t have to go far to get a healthy serving of the outdoors.
Students who go on their trips get to observe all kinds of median wildlife, from the startled first-year
coughing up smoke, to the elderly jogger who looks like he’s running but is actually moving slower
than if he just walked.

Some of the Outing Club’s most popular trip activities include, and in all likelihood are limited
to: craning your neck to watch the TV in the Dupre formal lounge, suggesting everyone goes to the
river and coming to the conclusion that it’s too far, hearing people in Wallace having more fun than
you, talking about other times you’ve been to the median, sitting on the median, standing up be-
cause you got mud on your ass, and sitting back down because your legs are tired and fuck it, you
already have mud on your ass.

Attending their trips will cost you $1, which is used to buy Pop-Tarts from the vending ma-
chine in Dupre. They will be roasted over a tastefully rustic fire, which has been known to crackle
and make the air rich with the music of nature, making you almost forget that you are in a residen-
tial area of St. Paul. Scary stories will be told but if your story is too spooky, you will literally be
thrown back to campus. Seriously it’s like 5 feet away, it’s barely an inconvenience.

To maintain the illusion of ruggedness, all students will be required to sweat. Ticks with Lyme
disease will be provided for you, but bringing your own from home is encouraged.

In light of this news leaking, the Outing Club has decided to change their name to the Out-
ish Club, as they feel this better reflects their actual aspirations.
8
Book Report From a 5-Year-Old
Who Hasn’t Learned About Death
hey mr. isaac fig newton, why are you such a
lazy bones? i know you invented the gravity, but
now you don’t do anything. make some more
gravities, sir.
and mr. abe LinkedIn, why haven’t you beaten
more of the souths? there are so many: south
america, south dakota, the south playground,
and you haven’t beaten any of them. come on mr. ableham linksys, get
your big ol’ hat and beat the souths. big hat lazy bones.
hey mr. elvis parsley, just poop already. i’m 5 and ¾ and i poop all the
time. even big lazybones poop. poop, sir. sir, poop.
mr.shakesbeer, why don’t you write the plays anymore? they were
good, i liked them. i liked the ones where they all went to sleep. like ro-
meo and juliet. wow, what a production. write more plays, lazybones.
hey mom and dad, why are you still playing hide and seek? i can’t find
you. i’m hungry.

Venmo Transactions on the day

of December 11th 2015:

9
 Sorry.

We at Buffalo Wild Wings would like to express our deepest apologies for the events that
unfolded last Thursday. When we implemented Boneless Thursdays, our intentions were to
sell boneless wings to our customers, NOT to remove the bones of everyone within a 10-mile
radius of our restaurant. Again, we would like to reiterate, we did NOT want to remove your
bones, and we’re very sorry.
After investigating the matter further, we have learned that the wizard who teleports
the bones in our wings to the Netherrealm every Thursday morning, did not, in fact, do that
last week. After learning that his wife was an alchemist (commonly referred to in the wizard
community as a “gold digger”), Ziggleback the Resourceful found himself in a black magic
induced stupor. In his lustful rage, he stumbled into his bathroom and conjured all over the
floor, the walls, and his new robe. When we found him Thursday morning, his entire castle
smelled like spoiled potion and there was magic strewn all over the place. Unfortunately we
arrived too late, and he had cast a bone removal spell on the entire Macalester-Groveland area.
Ziggy has since apologized for his actions and checked himself into magic rehab.
If you are a resident of the Mac-Groveland area, your bones have been recovered, and they
will be returned to you on Bone-In Tuesday. As an additional token of our apology, we will be
giving everyone an extra bone. We appreciate your patience.

While you wait for your bones, here are some other days at Buffalo Wild Wings you can
check out:

Meatless Pterodactyl Closed

Coming
Mondays Sunday
Right At You
Fridays Sundays
Wow It’s
Wednesday Only Salt (We Aren’t
Closed, Sorry
If That’s
(Just the Bone) Wednesdays Saturdays Confusing)

10
Salads That Are Better Than You
Caesar Salad
What other salad can claim to have founded the Roman Republic? Sure, it
illegally seized power and ruled with an iron fist, but can you say you’re perfect?

Potato Salad
Everyone brings potato salad to parties, but they never bring you.

Pasta Salad
Pasta feeds billions of college students who would otherwise go hungry each
year! What do you do? Manage 4 classes and a work study? Oh yeah, nice.

Undressed Salad
Looks better than you naked.

Fruit Salad
When someone encounters fruit salad, they enjoy it (or at least try to enjoy it).
People just try not to encounter you at all.

Garden Salad
Shit, what can I say? We all know garden salad. I think it’s pretty obvious why
garden salad is better than you.

Seven Layer Salad

Thanks to its diverse, multi-leveled structure, it’s more emotionally complex
than you.

Tuna Salad
I once saw a tuna salad pull a 3 year old boy and his cat out of a burning
building. What have you done? Who have you saved?

Cobb Salad
With their signature excess of ingredients, we admit that cobb salads can be
a lot to handle. Unlike you, though, they’re never way too fucking much to
handle.

Egg Salad
At least when egg salad is covered in mayo, it’s for a reason.
11
 hegemonocle

QUIZ!!! Your new instagram handle based on your birthday

hegemonocle take my quiz!!!!!!! #followforfollow #instagood #instalikes #blessed

12
D i n n e r
D a t e s
• w i t h •

P r e s i d e n t i a l
Ca n d i d a t e s
13
 Your meal with Hillary Clinton is
immaculate. Every aspect of it is perfectly
prepared. You are fed a cheeseburger
so American you swear it was made
of eagle meat, cooked over fireworks
soaked in George Washington’s
freedom gumbo. Hillary Clinton, too,
is the perfect dinner companion. She
makes the appropriate amount of eye
contact. She laughs heartily at the one
joke you make, and you laugh at the
three she makes. Your conversation has
Hillary Clinton exactly four, all too human silences (no
more, no less). She regales you with
appropriately constructed sentences.
And of course, she chews each bite
of food 6 times. However, you do not
see her swallow it. Any of it. Even when
she takes a sip of water you never see
her neck muscles contract even the
slightest. At first you brush this off. But
you begin to wonder, is she spitting it
out? No, no, you would have noticed.
But then where is the food going? It
can’t all be in her mouth, so where?
Where? Where is the food going!?

Your meal with The Trump consists of astonishment, that all the luxurious
the biggest, greatest, most powerful food you have been shoving down
buffet you have ever witnessed, full your gullet is made from actual goat
of filet mignon and 50lb lobster. shit. “That explains a lot,” you think
Everything, and I mean everything, to yourself. If you play all your cards
is colored gold. Trump reminds you right you will accompany him to the
how lucky you are to eat with him, next room where you’ll have the
describing to you how journalists honor of participating in a threesome
literally wait in cages for the chance consisting of yourself, Donald Trump,
to interview him. He then asks you — and his daughter, Ivanka Trump. Well,
with barely concealed desperation participate is a little strong. You will
— what you think of his hair, before get to watch them hump furiously,
literal diarrhea starts dribbling and you can masturbate to them if
down his lips. You realize, with you're into that sort of thing. Donald Trump
Sand, sand is everywhere, extending out in all
Jeb Bush calls you Saturday night to remind you that you
directions. But Dr. Benjamin Carson is nowhere
promised to go to his Sunday-Funday, post-church brunch. You
to be seen. You don’t know what’s wrong; you clicked “maybe” to the invite a week ago, and 10 minutes later
followed all his instructions. You passed the valley he sent you an email saying how excited he was and how much
of Josaphat, turned right at the giant grain silos, fun it would be. You frantically send a text to all your Republican
dug straight down three feet, came out on the friends1 to see if anyone wants to go with you. You need someone
other end of the world and then walked 300 paces to talk to Jeb for you, but no one is responding. You wonder if
Weast. You even brought a radio with you so you he’ll buy the whole “grandma just died” schtick because there is
two could listen to some sweet tunes! So where just no way in heck you’re going to that brunch.
the fuck is he? Suddenly, a three-headed grizzly
bear comes out of nowhere and tries to maul you!
You scream in desperation, and Dr. Carson jumps
out of your mouth! You had the good doctor
inside you all along! Dr. Carson squints his eyes
to their fullest capacity and blasts the hellish beast
back with his telepathy! Tubular! You change the
channel on the radio to set the ambiance for your
date, and Dr. Carson very noticeably does NOT
attempt to stab you with the switchblade he
happened to be holding — which you find a little
suspicious, but whatever. Then you awake in your
bed, lying in a pool of cold urine. Dr. Carson lies Ben Carson Jeb Bush Martin O’Malley
next to you, gurgling half-formed words from the
beyond. I don’t know shit about this guy, and neither do you. You and Martin
will probably go out for Baltimore food, whatever the fuck that is.2

14
Let’s be honest: this is the
one you were really excited
for. You and Bernie go to
a local Chinese restaurant
on Christmas Day, and
you ogle him shamelessly
while he tells you about
income inequality. You’re
definitely feeling the Bern
somewhere, if you know
what I mean ;). You’ll
fantasize the whole time
about brushing back that
cute little wisp of snow
white hair behind his ear
and running the tip of
your tongue up and down
the length of his straight-
talking neck. You wait for
him to ask you back to his
place to “fight for universal
higher education and chill”
but he doesn't because
he is a HAPPILY MARRIED
MAN so FUCK OFF. Bernie
and Jane are PERFECT for
each other, how DARE you
try to come between them. Bernie Sanders

Here you are at Marco Rubio’s
barbeque, wearing a hat and
really big sunglasses in case that
creep Jeb drives by. Ever since
you ditched his brunch he’s been
sending you passive aggressive
emails and “bumping into you”
all over town. Not that Rubio’s
any better though. The dude
drinks so much water you’d think
he was trying to drown a tape
worm, plus he’s an even bigger
asshole than you had expected;
he keeps referring to the women
at the BBQ as “baby makers.”
Marco Rubio
Carly Fiorina
1
lol
2
Editor’s note: It’s crabs.
You're not super enthusiastic about this
breakfast date with Ted Cruz. You’ve heard he
talks for hours, and seriously doesn’t know how
to take a hint. It doesn’t take you too long to
realize something is seriously off. He keeps
throwing his utensils on the floor, making the
exasperated waiters retrieve them every couple
minutes. Then he absolutely refuses to eat his
spinach omelette. Ugh and now he’s demanding
that you read him a story, but of course none of
the ones you have will do. He starts getting red
in the face, lets out a wail, and then cries for the
next 2 hours straight as you try in vain to comfort
him. The date ends when his mommy comes
over and asks you for help changing his diaper. Ted Cruz
After standing outside the closed strong smell of formaldehyde.
Red Lobster for about 15 minutes There is a mysterious platter
you get a phone call from Carly covered by a silver dome. “Pro-
Fiorina. life or pro-choice?” she demands.
“Where are you?” she “Pr-Pro Choice?”
asks. “Then eat it! Eat the
“I’m outside, but all the Fetus! If you can kill it you can eat
lights are off and and nobody’s it!” In a sweeping motion she lifts
inside.” the silver dome to reveal a raw
“Don’t worry about any chicken with a frowny face drawn
of that, the door is unlocked, just on it in Sharpie.
come in.” She hangs up. “Is this a joke? Where do
You carefully enter and you get your facts?” A battle to
see no customers nor waiters. the death ensues, ending when
It’s completely black…but wait, the sun rises and Carly Fiorina lets
what's that? All the way at the out an unearthly scream before
back of the restaurant a single turning to ash.
light flickers above a booth The battle will be
where Carly Fiorina is sitting. You repeated every night until the
hurry over. You sit down and are prophecy is fulfilled.
immediately taken aback by the
Dinner Dates with Presidential Candidates

15
 Names your old friends from high school
have chosen for their Soundcloud personas:
• Smallie Bigs • Lil Nicki Minaj
• Questionable Quaker Oats Oatmeal • Medium Nicki Minaj
• Buffalo Mild Wings • Kid IceBerg
• MC Acceptable • Twinkie Tha God
• Weak Ankles Inc. • Nos4atu
• DJ Flosses Daily • Best Taco D!p
• Cloudy Benz • Yung Kush
• Used Chevy Impala • Kush of an Undetermined Age
• Gurl $cout

Cloudy Benz
St. Louis

Throw a fun and memorable party

All it really takes is a good piñata. Okay, okay... I know. All you responsible parents are thinking,
but what about all the calories? All the sugar? Hey now, you CAN make it healthy and interesting.
Try 2% milk. Or perhaps some home cooked oatmeal with a sprinkling of raisins. Both are simple
alternatives to the highly toxic candy piñata. Plus you won’t have to worry about your little Jimmy
being concussed by a jumbo Snickers bar.

If you are still worried about something going awry, as it often does when children swing blindly
at piñatas, feel free to incorporate straws
as an alternative extraction method. Your
kids will be thrilled as they stab the piñata
with their plastic straws and experience a
lukewarm gush of low-fat milk straight to
the face.
Please, don’t go. We are also including a
20% off raincoat to protect your children
from unwanted piñata fluids. Choice of blue
or red. No really folks, please buy this
thing! We will add in a complimentary party
uncle, complete with 12 puns and 1 racist
joke. And a cake? How does a cake sound? A
yummy cake for all your little munchkins!

16
 Couple breaks up due to intestinal discomfort
Zachary Morris ’18 and Annabeth Fischer ’18 have called it quits after a
month of dating. The culprit? Neither wants the other to know that they, in fact,
pass gas and regularly defecate.
In an interview, Morris stated, “I just couldn’t do it anymore. When we first
started going out, she gave me butterflies in my stomach. But then we spent so
much time together. Now I just have butterflies in my rectum.” Morris said that he
enjoyed spending time with Fischer, but the need to silence his “butt trumpet” in
front of her led to extreme discomfort for hours at a time.
“He’d come back from chillin’ with Annabeth,” said Bill Washburn ’18,
Morris’s roommate, “and just let loose the chemical weapon that had been
brewing inside him. I told him to either start playing the ol’ patoot flute in front of
her, or dump her.” Morris chose the latter.
In an interview with a sickly looking Fischer, she began to answer that she
was “sad, but rather grateful because--” before she passed out. Upon being taken
to the hospital, it was discovered that Fischer had been suffering from a fecal
impaction of the colon, known in today’s youth culture as a “shithole drumroll.”
“It looked like she hadn’t defecated in about a month,” said her practitioner
Dr. Flora Sherman. “I swear, I didn’t spend years getting my M.D. just so I could
tell a bunch of kids that they have to shit more.”
Both Fischer and Morris are making physical and emotional recoveries and
hope that their peers learn from their experience. The Health and Wellness Center
will also be implementing a new informational segment in fall semester’s Sexy
Training entitled, Fecal Matters: Pooping with a Partner.

17
 We Care For You Gift
Solutions™
Ever wish that you could take the guesswork out of gift giving and
skip straight to the hugs and appreciation?

Well, with We Care For You Gift Solutions,™ you can.

We want you to have the best holiday experience possible
without any of the effort of genuinely caring or demonstrating
an interest in your family’s lives. We all know that in this modern
age, time is important. Why would you call up a family member
to reconnect and share a common bond when you could watch
another video of highlights from the 2004 Summer Olympics?

This is where we come in.

For the low price of $19.95 a month for the 11 months leading up to the December holiday
season, our dedicated team of professionals will infiltrate the lives of the most special people
in your life, becoming their cashiers, teachers, book club members, neighbors, gynecologists,
and in some reported cases, even spouses. We spend time listening to their needs, sending
birthday cards, showing up unannounced for tea time and gossip - whatever is necessary to
fully understand the complexities of the family member.

Once we have determined a list of possible gifts, we alert you when it is time to choose
among them. All you have to do at this point is decide how much money you are willing to
spend on, say, your niece that you have never even met because your brother is such a dick.

We care, so you don’t have to! And for an extra five dollars per gift, we will forge your
signature so you don’t even have to sign the card. I mean, at this point we already know
everything about them, so it’s not even, like, that big of a deal.

So this holiday, remember your family and treat them to something you know they will
love.*

*Because a team of highly specialized “onlookers” have been noting their every move.

18
Is joking about these
things offensive?
New Classes Being
You Decide! Offered Next Semester
-Twilight fans
-The color blind
-Syphilis
-Micropenises Cooking with Big Data
-Macrovaginas
-Crippling debt (think Greece)
No prerequisites, but Intro to
-Charles Manson Stats is recommended.
-Vegetarians
-Parents who don’t love their
children
Neurogeology
-The recently deceased
-Gnawing anxiety
We will answer questions like
-Factory farming “What do we mean when we
-Mainstream Cults say ‘dumb as rocks’?”
-Scientologists
-People born into Scientology who
have never known anything else Tautology, Topology,
-Willow/Jaden Smith
-JFK assassination Ontology
-Crippling loneliness
-The crucifixion Honestly, we’re still not sure
-Bat/bar mitzvahs what this one’s about.
-Stupid kindergarteners
-Grass allergies
-White Identity Collective Medium Sized Biology
-Grotesquely small hands
-Gangrene This class is designed for students
-Virgins
-Porn addiction who hate elephants and
-Weed addiction mitochondria in equal parts.
-Ugly babies (like really, shockingly
ugly)
-Your baby Cultures of Freedom
-Chanter
-Specific Chanter pieces and Power
-People with differently sized feet
-Borderline offensive humor Don’t bother. The waitlist is
-Hitler already a mile long. 19
 H
O
L
I
D
A
Y CROSSWOR D
ACROSS
1. The number of possible ways to spell Hanukkah.
3. Define your relationship with your parental guardians.
6. Literally the worst holiday song ever written. HINT: think
“Christmas” and “shoes.”
8. Why aren’t you more like your sister?
10. The dream you’re least likely to accomplish.
13. All of your pets are hiding. All of your family is hiding.
You hear strange growls coming from the living room.
You’re worried that your parents have been replaced with
rabid ______ .
16. The sound the void makes when you look at it too long.
17. How many Halloween decorations will you find still up
when you go home?
18. The likelihood that all of your possessions have been
replaced by similar but different possessions, making your
home no longer yours, is _______.
19. In what ways are you becoming most like your parents?
20
DOWN
2. The name of the “fun” cousin who won’t bother showing
up.
4. Are you seeing anyone special?
5. What are your plans post graduation?
6. Have you gotten your grades back yet?
7. Your topic of choice for safe conversation over dinner
will be _________.
9. We’ve been down a lot lately. When will we feel up
again?
11. The sound your aunt makes when you look at her too
long. HINT: See 16 across.
12. You try to communicate with your mother, but when
she opens her mouth, a look of confusion passes over her
face. Instead of words, thousands of ______ come out of
her mouth. You run.
14. Oh god what have you done.
15. The most abundant ingredient in eggnog.
shhhhh, keep it down. do you have the stuff? no, not that stuff, the stuff. good. put it in this bag.

whoah, whoah, whoah, slow your roll. not that bag. this bag. paper not plastic, man. did you bring

your shovel? what the fuck mikey? we told you to bring a shovel. timothy and sandy both brought

their shovels. we sent you six reminders mike, jesus. you know what? it doesn’t matter. everyone just

get in the back of the truck. alright, sandy, did you print out the mapquest? good, pass it up here.

see, mikey, this is what it looks like to act like a human fucking being. alright, greg, can you turn left

here. oh fuck, shit. oh, man, fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. ahhhhhhhhhh! my legs! shit shit shit shit shit

shit shit. are you guys alright? i can’t turn, i’m stuck. fuck. hello? shit. are you guys all dead? that

car came out of nowhere, christ. oh man. god. everything hurts. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i think i’m

bleeding. somebody talk to me. anybody. not you mikey, shut the fuck up. the rest of you guys don’t

worry. i’m gonna go get us help. just let me get out of this, and uh, ouch. alright. oh man, i don’t

know if i can walk. i’m kind of scared to look at my legs. shit, i don’t think they’re supposed to look

like that. dammit mikey, stop screaming, you’re not the only one with a license plate going through

their gut. you’re so selfish. always have been. that’s why we don’t always invite you when we go out.

like last week. remember when we all said we had food poisoning? from the shellfish at greg’s niece’s

quinceanera. and you thought you were lucky since you’re a vegan? we went bowling. without you.

timothy bowled a perfect game. bet you wish you hadn’t made that comment about my shoes at

graduation, huh? goddamn right I can hold a grudge. stop crying. no, mikey, i can’t call 911. you

know what we have in the trunk. the amount of trouble we’d get in. i know a doctor, mikey. he lives

nearby. alright, you caught me. he’s a veterinarian. i trust him with my miniature donkeys, i can

trust him with the lives of my friends. oh no, sorry mikey. i misspoke. my friends and you. you’re

separate. we aren’t friends. you’re insignificant.

21
 Ways I have
disappointed
my Rabbi:
1. I drank two bottles of Manischewitz at the bris and threw up all over the
baby
2. I got high and worshipped a cow idol
3. I got a tattoo of a Quran verse
4. I made out with both his daughter and the motivator at Joey Goldblum’s
Bar Mitzvah
5. I drank two bottles of Manischewitz while visiting a shiva home and
threw up on the widow
6. I had seven and a half links of pork sausage for breakfast this morning
7. I leaked his wife’s matzoh ball recipe (they’re sinkers) to The Jewish Light
8. I told some kids I hid the afikomen when I really just ate it
9. I broke up with his daughter to date a gentile
10. I work out at the YMCA
11. I needed a doctor to take the mezuzah out of my rectal cavity

22
 Top Movies to See this Holiday Season
Star Wars: The Force
Awakens (Dec 18)
J.J Abrams directs the next installment of the Star Wars franchise, which
looks to be the most anticipated movie in years and stars original cast
members Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, and Mark Hamill. Set thirty
years after the end of Episode VI, Han Solo and co. face off against Kylo
Ren and his army of Stormtroopers. Based on the trailer I watched, Kylo
Ren seems like a complete tool, just like my ex-boyfriend, Alex.

The Hateful Eight

(Dec 25)
Shortly following the Civil War, a blizzard strands eight mysterious
strangers who quickly realize they’re in for a long night. This lengthy
thriller features a classic Tarantino cast, including Samuel L. Jackson, Tim
Roth, and Zoë Bell. Wow, Tarantino has spent a lot of time making mov-
ies with those actors, kind of like how Alex spent a lot of time with those
bastards he cheated on me with.

In the Heart of the Sea

(Dec 11)
This movie? Ummm, It involves boats and/or a whale and that hot guy who
played Thor, I think. Yeah. Alright look, I know I never should have believed
Alex when he said he had “band practice.” That inept piece of trash could
never be in a band. He couldn’t even play an autoharp at that music store’s
open house last year.

Alvin and the Chipmunks:

The Road Chip (Dec 18)
You push a button and the goddamn thing plays an entire chord for you,
yet Alex still found a way to fuck it up. Fuck him. God I’m so stupid for
believing in him. Actually, no, enough self-hatred. Alex sucks, not me.
Whatever he’s doing now, I bet it’s fucking lame. Definitely less cool than
writing movie reviews. Ha! Fuck you, Alex.
23
 Opening lines
i n p o s t- s e x
c o n v e r s at i o n s
Based on majors/concentrations
American Studies: Different folks, different strokes.

Anthropology: Your mating ritual really got me going.

Art/Art History: Hold that pose.

Asian Languages and Cultures: “It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as
you do not stop” - Confucius

Biology: Did you mean for that to prolapse?

Chemistry: *silence* I mean hey, opposites attract.

Chinese: 再次??

Classics: Et tu, Brute?

Community and Global Health: Don’t worry, I have a lot more condoms. Like way,
way too many.

Computer Science: Hey, could you guys be quieter next time?

Creative Writing: If you just leave right now, this is going in my memoir.

Critical Theory: Want a cigarette?

Economics: How much do I owe you?

24
 Educational Studies: Who taught you that?

English: So, did I get the job?

Environmental Studies: Is that dental dam compostable?

French and Francophone Studies: Hey, have you read any Marquis de Sade?

Geography: You certainly didn’t need that map I drew for you.

Geology: I fucking love pumice.

German Studies: You really tore that wall down.

Hispanic and Latin American Studies: Así así

History: I’ve had better.

International Studies: That’s why I’m known around the globe.

Japanese: どうもありがとうございました

Linguistics: Here’s a phonological analysis of your moans.

Mathematics: Damn that really distracted me from my blinding hatred for R studio

Media/Cultural Studies: In what ways do you feel that pornography has culturally
conditioned you to behave that way?

Music: You were a little flat.

Neuroscience Studies: Nice head.

Philosophy: What are we?

Physics/Astronomy: Good thing I study really small things.

Political Science: Don’t tell my wife.

Psychology: Why did you ask me to dress up like your mom?

Religious Studies: Anal doesn’t count, right?

Russian: Хороший.

Sociology: Will you fill out this survey?

Theater & Dance: Were we both faking it?

WGSS: This doesn’t mean I’m straight.

25
Find us elsewhere
Past issues: Issuu.com/hegemonocle
Facebook: Macalester HEgemonocle
Twitter: @Hegemonocle
 THE HEGEMONOCLE
Never underestimate.
Never compromise.
Never forget.
- Hege-O

© 1986 Hegemonocle Media Productions