THE Macalester

HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine
Volume 11, Issue 1
The First-Year Issue

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Ross Boehme ’15
Henry Fremont ’15

EDITORIAL
Assistant Editors
Jamie Goodin ’17
Austin Parsons ’17
Copy Editors
Jamie Goodin ’17
Lydia Karlson ’16
Austin Parsons ’17

DESIGN
Head of Production
Lydia Karlson ’16

STAFF
Coat Rack ’99 Ellie Fuqua ’17 Lizzie MacMillan ’18
Tyler Krentz ’15 Xander Gershberg ’17 Danny Ochoa ’18
Phineas Rueckert ’15 Marissa Heim ’17 John Ratz ’18
Andrew Shirley ’15 Natalie Kronebusch ’17 On Sabbatical
Spencer Carter ’16 Eli Lilleskov ’17 Emma Soglin ’16
Liam Downs-Tepper ’16 E.J. Schoenborn ’17 Jinath Tasnim ’16
Anthony Granai ’16 Yafiet Bezabih ’18 Tom Wakin ’16
Declan Cummings ’17 Sarah Coleman ’18

SHOUT OUTS
The Biohazard Room: Our favorite unsafe safe-place.
Medium-sized businesses: We see you.
My missing left sock: Ain’t no mountain high enough, baby.
Sparky: RIP. The fire station won’t be the same without you (less dog shit).
Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11

Contact us:
hegemonocle@macalester.edu
@hegemonocle
facebook.com/hegemonocle
The Macalester Most characters appearing The Hegemonocle is published four times
Hegemonocle in this work are fictitious. per academic year.
Macalester College Any resemblance to real
1600 Grand Avenue persons, living or dead, is All content, except what we’ve stolen
Saint Paul, MN 55105 purely satirical. from elsewhere, is © The Macalester
Hegemonocle, 2014.
Editorial
Ah, to go back to our first years with the knowledge we have now. To have never bought acid wash
jeans. To have gone with the 30-year fixed rate mortgage. To have changed our bedsheets before the virus
proliferated. What we would give!

We made mistakes in our first three years at Mac but now we’re omniscient, flawless seniors and we’d
like to pass some advice along to you first years. Actually, just one bit of advice. Nay, just one felicitation.

Congratulations! You’ve done it!

You’ve already found The Macalester Hegemonocle. Or, in the words of President Rosenberg, “The only
ink worth reading on campus aside from donor checks.” For the next four years we will be your guiding hand,
your Bible, and occasionally, admittedly, your beverage coaster.

What should you do about the feral cats breeding in the Dupre 3W showers? See The Hegemonocle.

How can you get to your 1:10 class in Olin Rice more quickly because you’re already late? See The
Hegemonocle.

Is one of the student orgs a front for Jim Hoppe’s Herbalife pyramid scheme? See The Hegemonocle.

“But what if I lose this issue?” you ask. “Where can I go for guidance?”

“Don’t fret,” we say, wiping the tears from your eyes. “We’ve got a digital presence. Check out past
issues at issuu.com/hegemonocle.”

We publish four issues per academic year or 28 issues per dog year. That’s 112 issues per academic
dog. Do the math. Seriously, is that right? We’re not really sure what that means.

Your Macalester education will take you many places. It will nurture you and challenge you, ask of
you and give to you. If you find yourself struggling, just remember: one Herbalife X2 Pro Booster contains
100% of your daily needs for 24 vitamins and minerals. Present this editorial at The Vitamin Shoppe for a 20%
discount.

- Ross Boehme and Henry Fremont

The Macalester Hegemonocle
November 2014
 Sex andLanyards
CARDED:
A survey conducted by Macalester’s Health and Wellness Center in September shows that, in their
first three weeks on campus, 73% of the class of 2018 who’d had sex self-reported that they did so while
wearing their lanyards.
When asked about the study, Allie Sharkey, a first-year from Portland, OR, said: “Well, I don’t want to
lose my ID. How else am I going to get back into Dupre at 11:30 on a Thursday? Everyone will be in bed… it’s
a school night!”
Many experts are worried about students’ potential for injury during lanyard sex, but Sharkey
believes it’s worth it.
“Yeah sometimes the keys scratch [my fuckbuddy’s] chest and one time our lanyards got tangled, but
it’s better safe than sorry,” Sharkey said. “Our keys and IDs are just too easy to lose in the heat of the moment.”
Is keeping your ID safe worth the potential risks? Mary Wellenstein, head coital ethnographer at the
Health and Wellness Center, claims that sex with lanyards simply isn’t worth it.
“People are dying of accidental, non-consensual strangulation,” Wellenstein said. “We need to get
the word out that wearing lanyards around your neck not only makes you look like a fucking loser, but that
it’s dangerous. Sex should be a positive, safe experience and lanyards are preventing this from becoming a
reality.”
Michael Jetsen, a senior and head of Mac SISKS (Students Into Safe, Kinky Sex) disagrees with
Wellenstein’s all or nothing approach to this issue. Jetsen suggests that there are infinite possibilities for
lanyards to be incorporated into people’s sex lives in fun, safe ways.
“There’s potential for whipping, scratching and so much more,” Jetsen said. He did caution the
Macalester community against the use of lanyards for autoerotic asphyxiation, as this has shown to be a
risky activity (although it’s said to give toe-curling orgasms). Mac SISKS will be publishing a pamphlet in
November on the safe use of lanyards during sex.
As the debate rages on, there’s no clear evidence that this trend will stop anytime soon. On quiet
nights outside of Dupre, one will still hear screams of: “Baby, I don’t know if that’s you or your ID but
OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!”

4
 The Hege's
s s i f i e d
DeclaWinter Survival Guide
1. Get a nice scarf. Nothing is quite as disheartening as a cold wind
rushing down your jacket and blowing away your desire to live

2. Say goodbye to the sun and hello to your new vitamin D deficiency

3. The human body is a great source of heat, so make friends that have
a limited sense of personal space

4. Learn to appreciate the color grey

5. Consider growing copious amounts of hair, migrating somewhere warm,

collecting food and hibernating. There’s much to be learned from our
animal friends

6. If you’re on your way to class and your friend falls in a snow bank,
do not turn back for them

7. If you both get stuck in a snow bank, be proactive and immediately

resort to cannibalism

8. Build a tolerance to the cold by bathing in liquid nitrogen

9. Consume as much fatty food as possible (such as lard, butter or bacon

grease) to build a thick layer of blubber

10. Evolve

If you do in fact survive your first Minnesota winter, congratulations!

Celebrate by enjoying the three months of sweltering summer humidity before
the cycle restarts.

5
 Study: Drinking Blood and Smoking Crack Linked to Happiness

Dan Gilbert, a Harvard University professor and bestselling

author, unveiled his latest study on November 1st at Carleton College
in Northfield, Minnesota. His results indicate that drinking blood and
smoking crack are linked to higher levels of happiness.
The results stand in stark contrast to previous studies like the work
completed by McYakova and Frederickson (2008), which found that drug
use is associated with poor health and general dissatisfaction. LeDracula’s
research, completed in 2010, claimed that drinking blood is found to have
no effect on happiness unless the blood comes from virgin males.
“Although it may be surprising to find that crack-smokers are
happier than the average person, it actually makes a lot of sense,” Gilbert
said. “It’s not the act of smoking crack that makes you happy. It is the lack
of smoking crack that makes you unhappy,” the professor said.
“The conclusions regarding drinking blood are more ambiguous,”
Gilbert continued. “It turns out drinking blood gives us enjoyment
because of the experience—it becomes a part of who you are.”
The professor cautioned that his findings do not indicate that everyone should drink blood and smoke crack.
But he does challenge the idea that smoking crack and drinking blood are irrelevant to future happiness.
“I’m so excited Gilbert came to visit—I think this talk is going to change my life,” squeaked first year Martin
Novice. “Crack is only wack if you don’t treat it like a daily snack.”

First-Year Just Doesn’t Even Give a Fuck

On Monday, October 13th, Stanley Blorg ‘18 rolled out of bed at 8:30 a.m., put on his slippers, and urinated on
himself.
“It just dawned on me that life is nothing more than the postponement of the inevitable, so why care?”
said Blorg, a straight-A student who chartered a volunteering
organization in high school and won the senior superlative Most
Likely to Become President.
After quitting his work study job in the Office of the
Provost, Blorg, a National Merit Scholar, rang the bell three times
and scratched his name into the Kofi Annan Commemorative
Memorial Ping Pong Table with a Wells Fargo P-Card.
Blorg’s roommate Jordan Jammer expressed concern about
this apathy.
“It was like if someone gave him a fuck on a silver platter,
he wouldn’t take it,” Jammer said. “If there was even a single fuck to
give in this world, he would have nothing to do with it.”
Brian Rosenberg shared Jammer’s sentiment.
“There are a lot of fucks to give in this community,”
Rosenberg said. “Unfortunately, Blorg decided that he would not
share his fucks with our student body.”
At press time The Hegemonocle reached out to Blorg for an
update. But he wasn’t on Gchat. Like he didn’t even care.

6
 Macalester Begins Accepting Animals in Effort to Increase Diversity

Returning students were met with a surprise this fall: classmates from across the animal kingdom.
Beginning with the class of 2018, Macalester will now admit animals in an effort to increase campus
diversity. The initiative is a key component of Macalester’s Strategic Plan, according to President Brian
Rosenberg.
“Macalester has always sought to push the boundaries of normality and we need to see past our
speciesism,” said Rosenberg, undressing from a penguin suit. “Every member of the animal kingdom
deserves a chance at an elite liberal arts education. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to head out for some
horseplay.”
The change hasn’t been seamless, though. Some students have had trouble connecting with their
new classmates. Giddle Cundert ’16 made the mistake of asking about one student’s long face and was
consequently placed in a sensitivity training program by school administrators.
“This class has got me clawing up a wall,” said Cundert while clawing up a wall.
Another issue has been implementing resources that can accommodate every students’ strengths
and weaknesses. For example, dogs can’t type due to their clumsy paws while their avian classmates seem to
have an eagle eye for this type of work.
Food scarcity has also been an issue for the school. Bon Appetit has doubled its food production in
response to increased pigging out.
“Black bears are hard to please,” said John Cook, manager of food services. “They want their salmon or
they’ll maul your face off. But other students don’t like salmon, ya know?”

Clockwise from upper left: Rex Wolf, Sammi Sloth, Roberto Conejo, Iggy Iguana, Geri Giraffe-Sapien, Lance Johnson

7
 Official Nap Location 8.

Power Rankings as
Designated by the HWC

7.

2.

4.

9. 10.
12.

5.

6.
3.
11. 1.

88
12. On a firm mattress under low intensity lighting
Positives: Sturdy lumbar support, minimalist energy consumption
Negatives: Not a Sleep Number Bed, “scientific”

11. The Rat Room

Positives: Rats
Negatives: N/A

10. Caribou Coffee

Positives: Supports endangered species
Negatives: The old man who’s been licking his lips and looking at you for the last three hours

9. The house you grew up in

Positives: If only once more, you can rest easy under the blanket of careless youth
Negatives: May induce crippling nostalgia and acute fear of the future

8. Jimmy John’s parking lot

Positives: Good way to break out of the “Mac Bubble,” supports small businesses, free smells
Negatives: Gastrointestinal discomfort

7. Brian Rosenberg’s lawn

Positives: Great view of Wallace
Negatives: That poo you laid down on

6. Behind the wheel

Positives: Time efficient
Negatives: Uncomfortable, “laws”

5. The biohazard room in the Leonard Center

Positives: Safe from ebola
Negatives: Biohazards

4. The FedEx Store:

Positives: Supports small businesses, open 24/7
Negatives: May be confused for a package and shipped across the country

3. The Pendulum Room

Positives: Mesmerizing mechanics will lull you to sleep, “Slam” and “Blood Sugar” are great songs
Negatives: May receive a 15th century style execution, assumes no friction or air resistance

2. Your roommate’s bed

Positives: Quick way to escalate your relationship
Negatives: You know they were just there masturbating during your 1:10

1. Inside the geode

Positives: You could evolve
Negatives: You may be absorbed into the amethyst and frozen in time

9
 Quick Facts

• 96% of Macalester students are 100% full-time students.

• Macalester leaves represent over three hues of the color wheel.
• You’re probably not going to major in international studies.
• Olin and Rice have divorced and will separate before the year’s end.
• If you keep hanging out in the lounge, maybe one day she’ll stop by.
• The windmill is just a big fan creating that nice breeze on campus.
• Six fictional flags fly amongst the real ones in Café Mac. Can you
find them?
• There is no objective truth.
• The biohazard room in the Leonard Center is actually a wormhole to
another universe.
• Brian Rosenberg’s six pet cats are all named Miss Havisham.
• Macalester is named after James Macalester, known to most by his
psuedonym “The Hamburglar.”
• Kofi Annan didn’t actually go here. We give him 15% of our yearly
operating budget to say so.

10
Mac Voices: Macalester to ban tobacco on campus
On January 1st, Macalester will begin enforcing a tobacco-free policy on Alternative
campus, capping off a smoking ban initiative that began in 2010. The Hegemonocle
asked first-years for their reactions.
Winter Ball
Locations
1. Ramsey County Junior
High School gym
Nothing says “wild party”
like a middle school gym
with the lights on or your
aunt after too many Bloody
“I’m not gonna stop “Say goodbye to the hot “But I wanted to Marys.
chewing dip in class.” social space that is the be a critical theory
-Phoenix Hardwick, Dupre bike racks.” concentrator.” 2. Dupre single
Woodbridge, CT -Fran Vicario, -Marie Utkin, Grinding has never been
Málaga, Spain Evanston, Illinois easier or more incidental.

3. Under the Mississippi

The Ways We Date at Mac
Guaranteed tips for finding love before the end of your first year!
DO
Compliment their appearance.
No Mac girl can resist a
smooth compliment about
her Birkenstocks.
Ask them to follow you on Twitter.
Boulevard bridge
What a view!
DON’T 4. A playground
Fresh air and plenty of
Get too specific. places to put bodily fluids
If you tell them you like the besides flower pots.
jaggedness of their big toenail, you
might get a strange look. 5. The woods
You’re going to behave like
an animal anyway.
Ask them to follow your
Limp Bizkit fan blog, 6. Kagin
Rizkit4daBizkit.tumblr.com. Accept that we can never
change.

Be brave at Kagin! Try to initiate grinding in non-Kagin 7. Snow globe

Grinding is a totally underrated
form of intimacy.
Start conversations with topical
questions such as “did you know
the Ebola Nurse costume at
Wal-Mart is sold out?”
settings. Yeah, Cafe Mac lines can Winter Ball.
get close, but be cool, bro.
8. Siberia
It’s comparatively warm
Let your discussion of ebola
and spacious.
symptoms segue into a sensual
discussion of body fluids.
9. Emergency room
Save that for Date 3.
Save time.

Write them a song. Sorry to break 10. Grand Avenue

Write them a love letter lamenting
it to you, but you’re no Justin Those drivers can fucking
hegemonic institutions and
Timberlake. More like the one with wait.
complimenting their cute butt.
pineapple dreads. Chris, I think?

11
 First-Year Heroes

Fake ID Fabia High School Girlfriend Glen Care Package Carly

She has a fake ID. Good on ya, Glen. I Her parents care more
give it about a month. than yours.

Stop It Sarah Older-Friends Olivia Compulsive Masturbator

Just stop it, Sarah. “I know you said I should come to Corey
your house party alone, but is it okay
“When are your classes
if I bring a couple other first-years?”
again?”

12
No Homework Niko New Look Nina Tony The Tiger
All his classes are super You definitely didn’t dress That’s how he
easy! College is a cinch! like that in high school, introduces himself.
Nina.

Conservative Connor Pre-Med Parker Brad

He’s probably wearing Yeah, he’s not gonna be pre-med. He’s not that cool, but
a suit. But he WILL complain about his he always has weed.
pre-med classes until he quits.

Blackout Bonnie Reclusive Robyn Quadruple-Gap-Year Qiao

Meeting you is a new Like Bigfoot, only sparse, It took her a while, but she’s
experience for her every ambiguous documentation REALLY got her shit figured
time. hints at her existence. out now. 13
 College Essentials

High School
Transcript
Your friends need a better
reason to be seen with you.
Gallon of Bleach Your First Cellphone Bust of Your Father
“Just don’t go using it to sext
Erase your mistakes. For all he’s given.
your friends on FacePlace.”
-Mom

Underwear Socks Taxidermy Set ½ Stick of Butter

Visibility ≠ Optionality For your masturbation habit. Duh! Compostable lubricant and/or
great late-night snack.

Advice for First-Years From Famous Alum

“Always offer to help people lift things. You
never know the things they carried.” “Drink blood, smoke crack, worship Satan, go
- Tim O’Brien ‘68 Mac.”
- Reverend John Applesmith ‘58
“You’ll know talent when you see it. Unless
you have no talent.” “Always support the football team underneath
- Ari Emanuel ‘82 those Friday night lights.”
- Peter Berg ‘68
“Update your Facebook status three times a
day. It’s a great tool for networking.” “Play ping-pong for as long as you can. The
- Rebecca Van Dyck ‘91 real world sucks.”
- Kofi Annan ‘61
“If you can’t afford the tuition, just transfer
to the U. Worst case scenario, you’ll end up “Take classes in the Economics department.”
becoming vice president of the United States.” - Everyone
- Walter Mondale ‘No Mac degree
14
AN EXPOSE

First-Year Calls His Professor “Mom”; Has Not Left Dorm Room in Three Days

NEWS BRIEFS
Last Thursday, Gregory Williams let loose a Freudian slip in COMP 123-01. Embarrassed, the first-year rushed
out the door with 25 minutes left in class and has since become a recluse. “He’s just there,” says Ernie Thompson,
Williams’ roommate. “He hasn’t moved, save for a few poops and pees I think.” No word yet from Gregory but
with parents’ weekend coming up students and faculty are worried that the surplus of middle aged women may
leave Gregory overwhelmed if he does choose to leave his room.

First-Year Takes Spoon from Café Mac; Confesses

to Theft after Intense Interrogation
The cafeteria staff noticed the loss of spoon 2576B over two weeks
ago. Fred Ramses had been a suspect since day one when the café
hostess mentioned his habit of never hanging up his backpack. “You
can’t trust people like him,” the hostess said. Head of Department for
Student Misconduct, Jennifer Hudson, ensures that the proclaimed
“silverware bandit” will receive the appropriate punishment of three
weeks of utensil restriction.

First-Year Declares “Turn up” Major (with a Minor in International Studies)

“I can still remember the first time I turned up; it was a calm summer day in the spring of ’04,” says Maxine Hones
’18. Hones claims that the turn up major has been a family tradition going back eight generations. While not the
most popular major at Macalester, the career opportunities and alumni connections for turn up grads are amongst
the most diverse and rewarding. “When I declared, my academic advisor and I each took a swig of Fireball. Dope.”

First-Year Expresses His Avid Use of Hookah;

Surprised He Isn’t Popular Yet
“I just don’t get it; it worked in high school!” exclaimed
Maceo Gaines as he sat by himself in the middle of Café
Mac. Maceo thought that the orientation groups would be
a perfect opportunity to start his inevitable rise to fame.
“Every meeting, his glitter would be the same thing: ‘I
smoked hookah heh,’” says Maceo’s OL Susan Robertson.
After the embarrassing failure of his hookah tactics, Maceo
resorted to using wikiHow’s ever-popular “How to make
friends in college” guide, but even after taking such drastic
measures and implementing tactics like “attending sporting
events” and “being approachable,” Maceo is still left eating
alone in Café Mac every day.

Freshman Puts Apple Laptop in Compost Bin

It’s biodegradable.
15
 Overeager First-Year
Composts Leaves from Outside
If you’ve been outside in the past three weeks, you’ve probably seen Jerry Langosta picking
up leaves from Old Main’s lawn. But Langosta, a first-year from Portland, Oregon, isn’t collecting them
for his scrapbook or science class. He’s placing them in the Campus Center’s compost bins.
“I was thrilled when I learned about Mac’s goal of being Zero-Waste by 2020,” said Langosta,
sweeping up a pile of virgin maple leaves. “Then when I saw all this compostable material on Old
Main’s lawn, it hit me. I’ve got an opportunity to change the world.”
Langosta has been entering the campus center for
weeks now with armfuls of yellow, red, brown, and
even orange leaves. His exploits have made him
into something of a campus celebrity. Last week
he was featured in The Mac Weekly as one of
Macalester’s “Top 30 Under 30.”
Langosta, though, was oblivious to his uniqueness until recently. He wonders
why more people aren’t collecting foliage.
“I see people, everyday, just walk on the sidewalks, and sometimes even through the
lawn itself, and not pick up a single leaf and put it in the proper waste basket. Can you believe
that?” Langosta said. “I was told that this was a green campus, that the students were environmentally
and socially conscious. So why aren’t there more people composting leaves?”
“It’s not me that is odd, it’s them. All of them. I’m just trying to save the environment here.”
One obstacle in Langosta’s collection has been the wind’s stubborn insistence on making
leaves fall from trees. He’s missed many-a-class due to his pickup efforts.
“They just keep coming!” Langosta said. “Where do all these leaves come from?
I can tell you though, I’m looking forward to the winter for an easier time. Snow I can
just shovel.”
His fellow students, too, have attempted to foil his collection.
“They shout things like ‘Leaf Boy’ and ‘You need to sleep.’ But I ignore
them,” Langosta said. “Now I understand what Al Gore felt like when he came
out with An Inconvenient Truth. I’m Al Gore now.”

16
 Overheard @ Orientation

“How many kids do you have?” “Beijing Olympics”

“More brick than I expected”“I saw my OL at a party!”
“Cocaine”“Penultimately”
“Sports agnostic” “Rosebud” “The single bullet theory”
“Oh! Do you know my friend...”

“I already read the textbook” “Unigo Rankings” “Americanah” “Yeah I do hookah”

“Tupac hologram” “Favorite 18th century cisgender poet”
“In the words of Kofi Annan”
“Carleton” “Oswald couldn’t have acted alone”
“Favor Duke”
“Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys.” “A society that
“But the alcohol module said”
“Kony 2012”
values convenience over nutrition”
“Parent/Guardian Kagin” “Park’s Liquors” “Salutatorian”
“Shrimp boat captain”
“My gap year blog”

“Hol’ up, tryna transcribe this
ethnographic interview like a
muthafuckin keeendrick.”
- Kendrick Lamar ‘15
“There are too many people at this Kagin
“You could be the king but “Got yo hegemony on
right now that I didn’t know last year,
watch the queen conquer.” ma dick.”
who the fuck lookin’ to stop at buzzed?”
- Nicki Minaj ‘17 - Marshall Mathers ‘15
- Aubrey Graham ‘16

“You can find me in tha club, bottle full

“I got 99 problems, but a CIS female-
of bubble tea, learnin bout critical race
bodied individual ain’t one.”
theory and intersectionality.”
- Shawn Carter ‘15
- Fifty Cent ‘18

17
 Top 20 First Impressions
1.
2.
“You listen to Bright Eyes! I listen to Bright Eyes! We should hang out.”

3.
“Dude, he definitely smokes weed. Wait, is it awkward if I ask him for some?”

“I met my future spouse today! We’re going to be together forever, or at least for

4.
the rest of the semester.”

“Oh you’re from Chicago? I think there are some other people here from Chicago

5.
too.”

6.
“This OL is wack as fuck.”

“You’re a professor and go by your first name? You’re progressive and my

7.
favorite.”

8.
“Dupre seems like more fun.”

9.
“I threw up in Dupre.”

10.
“He farts loudly in class.”

11.
“Are you going to the party in the Dupes quad tonight?”

12.
“Café Mac is AMAZING! And so many options too!”

“Have we met before? I don’t know, I forget. Well anyway, my name is Hannah.

13.
Nice to meet you!”

14.
“I’ve met Hannah three fucking times already.”

15.
“Dude, I can’t wait to explore the Twin Cities.”

16.
“My RA is so cool! She put a bag of condoms on her door!”

17.
“I’d shake your hand but I’m gluten-free.”

18.
“You’re my best friend. I love you.”

19.
“This lanyard is really handy. I think I’m going to wear it all the time.”

20.
“Let’s get hammered and only speak in Spanish!”

“Macalester was my safety school.”

18
 How to Be Cool
1. Attach ice packs to your back. Refresh as often as able.
2. Birkenstocks.
3. Cuff your pants. Thrice.
4. Read The Hegemonocle.
5. Only wear black, grey, brown, forest green, maroon or navy. It’s past Labor Day, people.
6. Join the frisbee team.
7. Drop out.
8. Re-enroll.
9. Don’t ask questions.
10. Don’t be a fucking nerd.
11. Swear at your teachers.
12. Don’t wear glasses.
13. Forget how to read.
14. Develop an entourage.
15. Smoke spliffs and compost them in class.
16. Get addicted to something.
17. Develop a rival.
18. Join Mac Bike.
19. Plagiarize.
20. Talk about your masturbation schedule.
21. Pretend to work at Café Mac.
22. Read Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers. Be an Outlier.
23. Declare a Geology major.
24. Call home at least once a week.

Guide to Getting Along with Your Roommate

• Make sure the first conversation you have is about masturbation schedules.
• Wink at them at least once per day.
• Do a background check before meeting them so you’ll have things to talk about.
• Call their parents to share your concerns about their late bedtime and its effect on their cognitive
development.
• If they accidentally sleep through their alarm, help them out and wake them up with a nice bucket of
ice water. (Bonus points for upping their social consciousness by filming it and posting it on Facebook.)
• Help them stay focused on schoolwork by removing any distractions (e.g. phone, laptop) and selling
them on eBay. They’ll thank you once they get their 10% cut.

19
 Q: Can you stand up in Neill Hall?
A: That’s a common misconception. You can only kneel.

Q: I’m not of Hegemonocle quality. What student org should I join?

A: Consider Bodacious, Oxfam or the benefits of negative space on your resumé. If truly desperate, see
The Mac Weekly.

Q: What are the four pillars of Macalester?

A: Two outside Kagin, two in Café Mac.

Q: Should I read The Daily Piper?

A: [New York, newspaper magnate accent] Listen kid, I don’t know what it was like when you were
writing for your Local Pilot Times Journal bullshit, but that’s not gonna be enough in today’s 24-hours-
news, attention-deficit society. If ya not gonna read The Hourly Piper, ya not gonna survive.

Q: What is Winter Ball?

A: A formal event put on by Macalester in which sober students come out in droves to slow dance,
snack on delicious hors d’oeuvres, and put all bodily excretions in their proper receptacles.

Q: Should I take Principles of Economics pass/fail?

A: Yeah, economics doesn’t seem like an important thing to have a basic understanding of.

Q: Will my orientation leader ever acknowledge my existence now that orientation is over?
A: No.

Q: How do I get alcohol if I’m underage?

A: While the Hege doesn’t condone underage drinking, there is one way: Go into Old Main 001 at
11:58 p.m. on a Thursday. Sit at the desk by the door. Chant “Kofi Annan” in ascending volume. Wait 20
minutes. Blink twice. One bottle of Everclear will appear between your breasts.

Q: Who should I give my username and password to?

A1: David Sisk
A2: Anyone who asks nicely because manners should be rewarded in today’s cold world.

Q: Can I punch this kid in my U.S. Politics class?

A: No. Harbor your anger and subconsciously unleash it on your friends and family.

Q: How do I casually disclose my SAT scores without seeming like a douchebag?

A: Print out College Board reports. Plant them in “lost” binders around campus.

Q: Why doesn’t she love me anymore?

A: It’s the birthmark. And the fact that you’ve never talked to her.

20
FRESH YEAR FRESH MEAT
Here’s a delectable sample of the class of 2018.

21
 Pictured are the floor plans to the second floor The Dupre Lounge, home to some of the most
of Dupre. While not explicitly stated, prayer enthralling conversations on campus. Make no

o n
enthusiasts can rest easy; prayer is allowed mistake—praying is a-ok, if not encouraged

D
/ ’t
in every room 24/7, including in these spaces.
holidays.
Dupre

Pray
If you catch someone with
this snarky quote written on A paragon of graphic design, this
their shirt, be sure to adhere to sign is clearly demarcating a No What a great view of Dupre’s
their wishes and refrain from praying, Pray Zone. hurricane proof construction,
even if they’re in the do-pray lounge. It’s a conveniently purposed as a hub for storing
complex dichotomy—one we have to respect. bicycles, weekend merriment and prayer.

Please don’t pray for me

God might think
I hang out with you

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