Volume 21 Fall 2019 Issue 1

Sponsored by: The Macalester Hegemonocle

Choose or be chosen or not... you’re valid either way

 THE MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine
Volume 20, Issue 1
Fall 2019
Bachelor in DuParadise Edition

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Maeghan Sullivan ’20
Zoe Berkovitz ’20

EDITORIAL
Managing Editor
Autumn Campbell ’21

Head Writer
Ben Townsend ’20

Radio Editors
Zoe Berkovitz '20
Lidija Namike '21

DESIGN
Head of Production
Lidija Namike ’21
Neck of Production
Kirk Lobban ‘21

STAFF
*Austin Jesko ‘21 Baxter Gordon ‘22
*Ethan Shaw ‘21 Jared Jageler ‘22
Jordan Schwed ‘21 Sophia Vischer ‘22
Kate Sibila ‘21 Niko Bjork ‘22
Rennie DiCarlo ‘22 Aberdeen Morrow ‘22
Finn Odum ‘21 Coat Rack ‘99
* On sabbatical

SHOUT OUTS
Performance bowls for being bland but healthy
The Ramen Bar for being flavorful but unhealthy
Kagins for happening less often
Bad reality TV for giving us good ideas
Good reality TV for giving us bad ideas
Regular TV for giving us the most ideas

Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11

Contact us: The Macalester
hegemonocle@macalester.edu Hegemonocle
Macalester College
@hegemonocle 1600 Grand Avenue
2 facebook.com/hegemonocle Saint Paul, MN 55105
Most characters appearing
in this work are fictitious.
Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is
purely satirical.
The Hegemonocle is published four-ish
times per academic year.
All content, except what we’ve stolen
from elsewhere, is © The Macalester
Hegemonocle, 2019.
Dearest readers,

We’ve missed you. The warm summer months have passed, and we
have craved your hungry eyes on our virginal pages. We remember
so dearly the times when you said “it’s not that bad” or “it’s kind of
funny I guess.” We remember when you spread us wide on a Cafe
Mac table for the first time and sort of whistled out of your nose a
little every now and then, which is close enough to a laugh, right?

We hold those moments close to our heart. Those were the simpler
days. Ah, time...

Change is in the air, readers. We’ve cultivated our power over the
years, little by little, with pointless titles such as “Radio Editor” and
“Managing Editor”, gaining your trust and eventually your personal
information and data. It was almost too easy.

But now, our jobs are harder. The competition is getting tougher.
How are we supposed to compete with the grand parody that is Ma-
calester College itself, let alone this “Joker” guy everyone is talking
about? This is a critical moment for the Hege, and we need you by
our side.

That’s why, this year, we’re going to do nothing differently. Enjoy!

Much love,
Zoe Berkovitz and Maeghan Sullivan
Co-Editors in Chief
Bachelor in Duparadise
Contestant Profiles

Danai
The Woman of your
dreams. Period.
Charlotte
Not like most girls.
Very much like your
childhood bully.
Mac
The Man of your
dreams. Period.

The Albino Squirrel

She loves walks on the beach,
climbing trees, and a hard
nut after a long winter.

Ryan
Fuck-me-eyes and
choke-me-thighs.
Brian
Mysterious, elusive, and the
Bingo for Books savant.

Juulian
Best lung disease
you’ll ever have :)
Hege
Miss Minnesota for 26
consecutive years
 CAMPUS ANNOUNCEMENTS AND WARNINGS
FALL 2019
The Great Macalester Debate 2019
Should I Stay (and Study) or Should I Go (Smoke a joint?)
Dupre you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine (the joint)
I’ll be here ‘til the end of time (10pm, my bedtime)
BriRo you got to let me know (before 10pm)
Should I stay or should I go?

If I’ve taken more than 2 classes with you, it is because I want to BE you
Dear Mac Professors,
If a student takes more than two classes with you, it’s because they want to steal your identity. We
know that you know that we know all about you. We know your maiden name (probably), your passwords (we
know you’ve always wanted a dream vacation in Bali, Brenda), and your social security number (okay, this isn’t
true, but, like, it’s pretty short). That’s enough XP to evolve (like a Pokemon) into our final form... you. You are our
Charizard.
Love, Me (Future You)

Breaking News: Doty Resident Has Sex

“yea whatever”
-The rest of Doty

This Just In:

STEM Majors Attempt to Ban Humanities because They Feel Bullied Sometimes
“What do you mean”; “I dont know where an apostrophe goes!”; or “what’s the difference between
‘whose’ and ‘whomst’ ??? Just because I’m a chemistry major entering the industry at 75k/year doesn’t mean
you have to pick on me.”

Registrar is up in arms:
Overachiever first year is sick and tired of taking 100 level classes, attends graduate school classes at the
University of Minnesota, while senior enrollment in FYC’s is at an all time high
“How????”

Campus Warning: Off-campus Students Loose:

How to know You’ve been Approached

-You have heard about how much Potential Off-Campuser loved/will love study abroad.
-They called their place “the house” or “the estate”, even if it is an apartment or duplex.
-They gave rattled tupperware lunch really loudly to let everyone know they aren’t on the meal plan anymore.
-They have said ,“yeah, the atmosphere is so different over there,” when it’s literally 2 blocks from campus.
-They complain about having big fridge.
-They have definitely said, “my house doesn’t have heat right now, and it is literally raining in my bathroom. I
can’t pee without using an umbrella.”
-They follow up with “can I stay at your place?”
 Which Famous Mac Alumni are you Most Like?
Take our Quiz to find out!

1. The next Kagin is coming up, what do you hope the theme is?
A. Beyoncé!
B. Eastern-European Electronic Death Country!
C. I don’t care, I’ll be too wasted to even realize!
D. I just hope it’s a quiet one, so I can read in peace!
2. Uh oh! You forgot to complete a project due tomorrow! What should you do?
A. Stay up late to complete the assignment!
B. Ask for forgiveness (and an extension) from the professor!
C. You’ve already asked that professor for 2 extensions this semester
there’s no way they’ll give you a third!
D. Just start crying!

3. Last month you declared your major, but now you realize you hate it! What should you do?
A. Change your major! College is your time to shine! No point doing something you
hate!
B. Take plenty of other courses to make yourself feel better! Sure you’ll graduate later,
and your scholarships run out after 4 years and student loan debt is forever... 4. How do you wake up in the morning?
C. Stick it out! Sure you hate it and you don’t want to pursue any career related to it, A. Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and ready to take on the day!
but it’s too late now and tuition is too expensive! B. Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my morning coffee!
D. Fake your death! Change your name! Run away! You can’t run forever and your C. Hit that snooze button to get another 5 minutes of unconsciousness -
debts will eventually catch up with you but for the first time you’ll truly be free! the only time you don’t feel that crushing weight of life and adulthood!
D. Lay in bed staring up at the ceiling contemplating your existence,
wanting to either go back to sleep or just get up, but knowing you’re
undeserving of either!
5. You’ve started drinking to deal with the stress of college, what should you do?
A. Attempt to quit cold turkey! After all, you don’t need to add another thing
to your already too full schedule!
B. Try to tone it down! What’s a bottle of beer every night really? After all
your dad drinks nightly and he’s not really an alcoholic!
C. It’s college! Drink away! Sure it’s “unhealthy” and “pushing those who love 6. You drunkenly hook-up with another person at the Kagin, what do you do?
and care about you away”, but hey at least you’re having fun while doing so! A. Don’t tell your partner!
D. Even alcohol doesn’t numb the stress and anxieties anymore. Turn to B. Hope you never need to tell your partner!
anything and anyone to try to fix yourself! C. Accidentally tell your partner during a game of Strip Pictionary and plead with
them to please stay!
D. Please Hannah, if you’re reading this she meant nothing to me you’re my entire
world and I might even want to continue our relationship past senior year!

7. None of your friends hang out with you anymore. They say you’re a hollow
shell of who you used to be. What do you do?
A. They’re right. You need to make a change for the better. Start trying to get
things back in order, even get a therapist. It’ll be hard work but it’s worth it.
8. Your parents got divorced over the break, it’s your fault, isn’t it?
B. They’re right. You feel so empty inside. Of course they don’t want to hang out
A. No way! You’ve been away from your parents too long for
with you, you don’t even want to hang out with you.
you to be the reason they’re leaving each other.
C. You know what? Screw them! You don’t need them! You know when you’re
B. Unless you were the only thing keeping them together
different, and it’s them who’ve changed!
C. And mom’s been really cold towards dad ever since I told Aunt
D. You have new friends now! Ones who get drunk with you and don’t take
Carol about my 12th birthday when he let me smoke weed...
Hannah’s side! They’re better friends than your old friends ever could be!
D. Oh god...
It’s all my fault
 Results
If you answered mostly A:
You are most like:
Kofi Annan
Death is inevitable. All that
has lived, is living, and will
ever live will die.
If you answered mostly C:
You are most like:
Tim O’Brien
What does the shrieking void
care that Hannah left us? That our
parents divorced? Our conscious
minds are but grains of sand to the
universe.
If you answered mostly B:
You are most like:
Walter Mondale
Our existence is but a speck
in the grand scheme of the
universe, any actions we take
make little difference on the
cosmic scale.
If you answered mostly D:
You are most like:
Dewitt Wallace
One day, we will die, and one day after
that the last thought about us will be
thought. We will be entirely gone, lost
to time. Is it better to accept this dark-
ness, this endless, shrieking void? Or
reject it? What difference does it really
make?
donald trump took my juul.
he said, “kids are dying in school!”
but I need this stick,
to take the edge off my dick,
we’re going to impeach the fucking tool.

friends call me a juul fiend

they say, “off the nicotine, you must be weaned!”
but to rip phatty clouds,
and make it smell loud,
from my juul, I will not be quarantined.

doesn’t he see I need my pods?

washington is corrupt and flawed.
they don’t understand the teens,
and all of our memes,
making fun of nancy pelosi and the squad*.

don’t take my juul, donald trump.

it won’t bring your polls out of slump.
macalester’s mad!
and without the juul fad,
what else will we put up our rump?

*The Squad is a group of four congresswomen

elected in the 2018 United States House of Repre-
sentatives elections, made up of Alexandria Oca-
sio-Cortez of New York, Ilhan Omar of Minneso-
ta, Ayanna Pressley of Massachusetts and Rashida
Tlaib of Michigan. All are women of color under
50 and have been placed by news outlets such as
Refinery29 and Politico on the left wing of the
Democratic Party. The group has been said to
represent the demographic diversity of a younger
political generation and the advocacy of progres-
sive policies such as the Green New Deal which
have sometimes clashed with their party’s lead-
ership. Ocasio-Cortez coined the “Squad” name
in an Instagram post a week after Election Day.
 Co m
ing
cam spring
pus 2
nea 020 t
r yo o a
u

d
’t
D ra
on g!
be
a
™
 You are cordially invited
to the
Pre-Winter Ball, Post-Pregaming Social Event of the Season

The Juulian Soirée

We request the honour of your presence for an evening of
refreshments and cultured conversation whilst partaking in
complimentary gourmet juul pods

Invitees will be serenaded by the renowed Makalester Traditions

The dress code is white tie formal.

SATURDAY, THE TWENTY-THIRD OF NOVEMBER IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD
TWO THOUSAND AND NINETEEN AT FIVE O’ CLOCK
 Hell: It’s a MatcH!
It was supposed to be just another class to fill a credit, but the hope of a triumphant
return to the school year- and the dating-app scene- shatters. If Sartre was right in stating that
hell is other people, then tinder matches inhabit the 9th circle. Soaked in the realization of your
own isolation and the absurdity of life, you chose to grasp the absurdity of Tinder.
You swear you’ve had a nightmare like this before. This is truly the humiliating moment
of your downfall. Your stomach drops suddenly, and your calm frame of mind plunges with
it. Time seems to creep at an agonizingly slow pace,
every tick of the clock reverberates in your skull and
emphasizes your hubris and folly. Like a lamb led to
slaughter, every step toward a seat your heartbeat
thuds louder, you approach an execution of your own
design.
You ponder: is this how a baby seal feels, in
the path of a killer whale? A wave of regret passes
through your body, the idiotic redownloading of Tinder
on a late-night, the regret of the mindless swiping for
hours. The twisted paths of fate and horniness led you
here. Macalester College, OLRI, classroom- with the
only spare seat adjacent to the person you matched
with only a few days before classes started. Your ass
accidentally brushes their shoulder and grinds on
their head as you maneuver your way into the overly
intimate connected OLRI swivel chairs.
And how hopeful those few halcyon days had
been! The sweet infatuation of a new match, who
didn’t make pick-up lines, or watch the office, or even
hunt anything for sport, was intoxicating, but the
pressure of composing a perfect reply had led you to
forget the conversation, the match. But now, the cruel
hand of fate refuses to let them be forgotten.
As the desire to run fills every fiber of your being,
you briefly recall a rabbit, frozen in absolute terror, its
heart spasming and thudding like a hummingbird in a Lucie 40,000
another nature documentary. You are now that rabbit. Scorpio
Your eyes meet, and in their glassy pupils, you see the Just a bad boy looking for a
same emotions. A shared fear, a twinge of solidarity
good time >:)
for the absurdity of the situation.
What now?! Revive the conversation? How?!
On Tinder, or a moodle DM?? Your heart aches with
yearning for an answer.
Later that day, you hook up with them on the
Carnegie fire escape and never- ever- speak again.
 IN CARE OF: THE HEGEMONCLE
SUBJECT: TURCK 5

Every day.

Every day, I would walk up the front stairs of Turck, never noticing it. Perhaps the
long, arduous trek up the stairs to my room on Turck 4 blinded me from its presence.

Until one day.

I was walking back from a party in 30 Mac when I looked up and saw it. The half set of
a stairwell, with a locked door tightly wrapped in chains. My friend turned to me, and
asked:

“What do you think is up there?”

“I dunno, Turck 5?” I snickered.
“Haha, that’s good!” he replied.

The next day, I ran into my RA, Carl. We exchanged pleasantries, and before we each
went our separate ways, I asked him:

“Hey Carl, what’s on Turck 5?”

Carl’s large grin and happy demeanor quickly turned sour.

“Don’t EVER ask me that question again! In fact, don’t even go near that door! Better
yet, just forget that it ever existed!” he said, with a quiet yet stern voice, the same he
uses to let us know that quiet hours have started.
Carl rushed off, surveying the hallways, as if some-
thing was going to jump out and grab him.

Something was off. Carl, a constantly boisterous and

happy lad, became mean, anxious and upset with
the mere mention of Turck 5. What was up there? I
had to find out. As member of the Mac Weekly, it was
my journalistic duty to investigate.
Pictured: Carl, the subject at hand,
acting uncharacteristically belligerent.

Chad, who lives down the hall from me, was rumored to have a lock cutter. I knocked on
his door.
“Hey Chad, it’s me. Can I come in?”
“Sure hold on a sec. I’m feeding my Nintendogs” he replied.
He opened the door.
“Hey Chad, have you ever been to Turck 5?” I asked.
“Nope.” he replied, not even glancing up from his Nintendo DS.
“I want to go up there, and I was wondering if I could borrow your lock cutter”
He went over to his roommate’s bed and grabbed the lock cutters from under it. He walked
over to his bed, looked down, and froze.

“What’s wrong” I asked.

“My nintendogs… they’re dead,” he stut-
tered.
“I’m sorry man.”
“I cannot be consoled. You will have to do
the rest on your own,” he said and gave
me the lock cutters.

Pictured: Live action shot

of Chad playing Nintendogs

I headed over to the stairwell, hoping not to be seen by Carl. I took the lock cutters and
with all my might I broke the locks. I opened the door. I walked down a decrepit hall-
way with blotches of red paint on walls. Or was it blood? I opened the door at the end of
the hallway, fearing the worst…
Inside there was a room with a
flatscreen TV and beanbags. People
Pictured: Max the were playing Mario Kart. The game
Cat and his secret paused. Someone got up.
vice, MarioKart Wii
according sources. He It was Carl.
hasn’t lost a game in
378 days. He looked at me, clearly pissed.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? I
told you not to come up here!”
“What’s going on? Why are you playing
Mario Kart with BriRo, Cheryl
Doucette, and Max the Cat?” I asked, in
utter bewilderment.
“MEeeOOoooWWWww!” screamed Max.
“Shut up you orange hairball, half the
school has no clue who the fuck you
are” Cheryl said, in annoyance.
“Hiss” replied Max.
BriRo stood up.
Pictured: Live shot of Max the Cat and BriRo indulging in
a wild round of MarioKart Wii. This image was taken mere “Now if you don’t mind, can you leave?
moments before BriRo seized and smashed my phone. I was We have a game to finish. Also, good
able to airdrop it to Chad before it was too late. luck trying to tell people about this,
because no one will ever fucking
believe you”.

This is my story. I submitted it to The Mac Weekly, but they refused to publish this piece
(perhaps, they too, are in this secret, or perhaps, they know too much…). With nowhere
else to turn, I came to the Hegemoncle. Please, I beg of you, publish my writings. The
people must be aware of these crimes. These are my undeniable truths.

PLEASE.
 Help Needed:
President Brian Rosenberg
Abducted by the Fair Folk

Multiple sources have reported seeing Brian Rosenberg, current

Macalester president, being pulled into a stone circle by small
humanoids and disappearing along with them.
Experts have suggested he could be gone for as long as 100
years, complicating the process of choosing a new President. On
the other hand, Administration has published an announcement
saying they basically do everything these days anyway, and the
college will continue functioning.
 Do you get tired of the plain, old Brian Rosenberg? Well, luckily for you, the
Hegemoncle News Team has uncovered four new Brian Rosenbergs, created by
the Board of Trustees back in 2012 during the Great 30 Mac Fire of 2012-2013.

nbe rg
R o s e
n
Brai
Bro
-sen
ber
g

body
p ⅔ of his
akes u studen
t
is b r ain m M a c
H every hool
e n ame of of high sc If no
s th ear
Know eir senior y with fromt spoo -2% bo
by t h rk s floats Sc n-f d dy f
at
ac fo
cafe m npower beocotty heim 20 p
a ke Can me w self erfor
Can m sheer brai w do ea eve ma
inteill dotihat bou k and rpydayn, che bow
llect t in nci
ual a mee ng p erish e will ls
Br nd a tings ecs t
thle to a hing
tic d sser and
ya omi t his
nan
n ce
Ro
se
nb
i nb org
ur R o s
n
g Briu

ON
HO CE NO
TI W AG T B
I D
BE I E AM M AI rian
R O S RN R
“UA “YG!! TS, DONY ose, defi ose s as a
” A ” !!1 H I GO nb ni nb o f Trusteteno man,
H AN 11 ES HA D er tel erg Board n tha ver
H D !!! N V D
! A
g y
no e d b y the, “A creatioel should e
O
U R 1! T E M ib t” r r
G O 1! T tB Descrexperimenor fat squintact with”
G S I BR O N r ia i l e d h i l d, i n c o full
H E T I T F “f a n, c m e threecan
ER NB S B A E UC n womahave to co v i n g
N
RR U RY R L KL ch ha that
R
G G AN OS O NGY I m o uths, ean tentacleqs uirrel tail
e te s
RR W E U s thre angs, lbino
R IT WI N- He has of sharp afs, and an a nger
his hucopies
U H T set toxic g e n c h
G
G A H spray an qu ition n
G i ng s that cmint-conds, dipped ui ce
H
n ly t h d ar e C it i e ot S a
The ouman blooale of Twof Frank’s H
for hDickens’ T ounces o
of ely 2.73
precis
 New FYC for Rich Squirrel attacks BriRo, is Capitalism??? Is
Fuckers hospitalized Bad???
News, p.3 Features, p.69 Opimion, p.81

themacweekly.com.org We do the News, you do the Views Vol 126, No. ???

MCST Tries New Merch, Fails Miserably

By TOBE HOOPER
Actual Writer At This Paper
me in the office. Did you sense to lost first years.
Don’t Look That Up know the only food in the If complicated class names
MCST office is our sur- weren’t enticing, the staff
plus of La Croix? Do you needed a game plan. Ac-
Even with last year’s
know how hungry I am? cording to alumni, there was
spike in first year stu-
Do you?” another thing the department
dents, some depart-
Tired, starved, and needed: cool swag.
ments on campus are
living off of fizzy water Other programs of-
experiencing student
that tastes like a lemon fer their students exciting
shortages. The Media
was washed in a nearby merchandise like shirts and
and Cultural Studies
sink, Morgam turned to mugs, or in the English
department, known for
recent graduates for an- department’s case, a lifelong
being more vague in
swers. membership to the Pompous
purpose than ‘Amer-
“No one even knows Wanker Club. To alumni,
ican Studies’, lost a
what Media and Cultur- MCST’s promise of unlim-
third of their students in
al Studies is,” said one ited fizzy water didn’t count
the class of 2019. This
anonymous alumni. “Me- as department swag.
major loss came at the
dia makes sense, sure, but “Kids are weak,”
worst time for the new
what the hell is a cultural remarked one professor as
department chair, Joan
study? Do you know how he chugged his third can of
Shelton, who’d been
vague that is?” Alumni sparkling bathwater. “Back
ushered last spring.
pointed out that course in my day, the only fruit we
“Pierre [Giroux]
titles like Transnational ever got was from the sweet,
just looked me in the
Character of Alternative subtle taste of La Croix.”
eyes, told me there was
Culture and Cultures of The professor offered a can
no escape, and locked
Neoliberalism make no out to our intrepid reporter.
 He hasn’t been seen since.
Understanding that La Croix wasn’t
going to cut it, the department staff put
their heads together to come up with an
appealing piece of swag. Their first attempt
was a personalized copy of the Communist
Manifesto. Leb Thompson’s addition of red
rhinestones and dollar signs, though appre-
ciated by the staff, was deemed “Literally
the opposite of communism” by alumni.
We asked one student how he felt
about the bedazzled Manifesto. “Yeah, I
was just trying to find the bathroom when
they ambushed me. All I could hear were
whispers about Marx and Engels before
they shoved it into my hands and scram-
bled off into the darkness.”
With the Manifesto a bust, the team
went back to the drawing board. This time
they had to do something unique and fun.
They wanted to be, as Leb Thompson later
explained, “So shocking that those first
years wouldn’t know what the fuck hit
them.” Thus, the MCST Staff Calendar
was born.
“Was this a good idea?” Shelton
repeated our question. “God, no it wasn’t.
Who the fuck let Pierre and Leb in charge
of this?”
Pierre Giroux, who specializes in the
study of new media forms, was firmly in
favor of using Bitmoji™ for every picture.
“It’d be funny,” he informed us from an
undisclosed point on the Mississippi river.
“Bitmojis™ are interactive and customiz-
able! Everyone could get their own Bitmo-
ji™ and incorporate it into the calendar.”
The Bitmoji™ calendar was voted
down 4-3. The deciding vote was Beremey
Meckler, who thought that using Bitmoji™
was a last ditch effort to appear relevant.
With little time left, Joan and
Beremey were forced to put aside their
differences. They traveled to the Idea Lab
to put together a draft calendar.
“I think we went overboard with the
glitter,” Leb said as he peeled a glob of
glitter glue off of his laptop.
“As it turned out, no one really
wanted to be in the calendar,” Shelton
explained, flipping through the pages
made from construction paper and fabric
swatches. “So we just used pictures of
Nick from when he was at Mac.”
Nick Nickolson, visiting professor
and alleged vegan, could not be reached
for a comment.
The real test came at the beginning
of the semester, when a young, eager first
year ascended to the third floor of Neill to
declare their major.
“I wouldn’t say they were disap-
pointed,” reported Shelton. “They took the
calendar with them after some encourage-
ment.”
“The glitter stuck to my hand,” the
anonymous student told us later. “My
roommate had to burn it off with her
lighter.” When asked if they enjoyed the
calendar, the student said, “Well, I used it
to roll blunts, if that’s what you meant.”
It wasn’t.
“We’re going back to the drawing
board with this next one,” Pierre told us
afterward. “I’m thinking we should per-
sonalize a box of La Croix for every new
member of the department.”
Our reporter later asked the commit-
tee on financial affairs if the MCST de-
partment even had the money for that. The
answer, she discovered, was a hard no.
Next week: English Department Cover-Up
Reveals Treat Night Fund Embezzlement
 Where the All-Knowing Hege™
sees Macalester icons in Ten Years:

Your Fjallraven The one kid

Backpack:
Shredded into strips and
being used as padding
for the local animal parlor in southern
shelter.
Mac the Scot:
Has anthropomorphized
and become a fully
functioning, living entity
that sleeps in The Tunnels™
underneath campus and eats
food from the compost bins
on campus like the squirrels
do.
Brian in your poli sci class
Rosenberg: who won‛t hold back his
Running a beauty Oil opinion:
Investments: somehow still sitting in the same
Italy. finally fucking classroom talking to the poor visiting
divested from. professor who doesn‛t know how to
tell that student that it has been so
many minutes, hours, days, years
since class actually ended and
that he wants to go home
really badly.
The Rock:
Diameter increased
by 28 millimeters
(spray paint).

New Theater The Loch:

Renamed to
Building:
“The Opehn” to signify
Gone. It has been
Macalester‛s devotion
replaced by Olin Twice
to inclusivity and
(new science building)
diversity.
Max the
Cat:
Living in Beverly
Hills in what used
to be the home of The Person Reading This
Madonna. Dupre Hall: Right Now:
Still standing. In a coma. You pick up the new edition
Repainted green to of The Hegemonocle Humor Magazine.
look more like a tree You see a piece about the future and decide
(sustainable). to read it. It is this piece. We knew you would
Snelling be interested in reading this. Please, wake
Avenue, South of up. It has been ten years. We miss you. We
Campus: know you‛re still in there, even though your
Officially converted into High Waisted body has been comatose for so long. Please,
Frat Row and ordained a Jeans: please, come back. This is our last hope.
sacred ground by the Mac Have gone so high that Put down the magazine and come back
Athletics subgroup of the Weed-ian has been to us. Wake up from your coma, we
Weyerhaeuser Chapel. renamed the Jeans-ian. know you can do it.
 Breaking news:
BriRo to speak out on
Imminent Threat
to College

Last night, BriRo addressed the campus wide emergency that has been on the forefront of the student
body as of late: Limate Change. Speaking in front of a burning pyre of green scooters, BriRo told the student body
that this is the biggest issue facing our generation “since people became scared of the Koolaid man.”
In this last month, Grand Avenue closed down to clean up the lime scooter spills that have caused
aesthetic outrage among students.
Just last week, campus security busted a ring of “lime juicers” in GDD. The Hege caught up with Head of
Campus Security while he was chucking scooters off of the roof of Old Main. “You should have seen the size of this
operation! The kicker was that, technically, charging Lime Scooters in your dorm room isn’t prohibited in the stu-
dent handbook. We were able to get them ‘cause their cables were wrapped around their sprinkler head. We sent
those juice-heads right where they belong - The Jug!”
The electrical usage on campus has decreased by 600% since the last crack down.
BriRo has announced the start of programs such as the “Limeate Change Initiatives,’’ which will aim to rid the cam-
pus of excess Limes.
Initiatives include:
Anyone with a Lime scooter being banned from campus, substantially reducing the
population of St. Thomas students on the Macalester campus.
A new course offering: The Psychology of Limeate Change
A Thursday night Lecture Series: “Spinning out of Control: Lime is not Right”

PBR was quoted on Tuesday, saying: “We have ignored the Limeate on our campus for much too long. We must
acknowledge that some people believe that Limeate will repair itself, but this is a systemic issue that begins and
ends with us… and St.Thomas fraternities. We need to hold the scooter companies accountable and abolish the
culture that thinks that Lime scooters are an acceptable future for our children! Through these small acts, we will
end Limeate change once and for all!”
 Hege Appétit!
The Weekly Culinary Column written by reviewer in residence, Hanz Burkley. This
week we look at some of the secondary dining options at Macalester College

The Grille
The Grille has a terrific, diverse array of dining and beverage options for every
scenario a Macalester student may encounter. Oversleep and need a fast
breakfast before class? Use a breakfast swipe to grab a Quaker Oatmeal Berry
Medley. Want a pick-me-up before your afternoon lecture? A hot chai should
do the trick! Vigorously masturbate for three hours and miss dinner? Look no
further than the black-bean avocado quesadilla. The Grille truly has something
for everyone.

Atrium Market
Arguably the most popular “favorite”
of all Macalester dining institutions.
The sandwiches are a sure bet, and
the free avocado and bacon are big
pluses. Definitely a solid place to grab
a quick lunch, if your definition of
“quick” is waiting in a half hour line
for a wrap assembled like a deflated
basketball. The oatmeal raisin cookies
are insulting.

Nessie’s in The Loch

Everything is wet and the guy is mean to me
 Scotty’s
A beloved Macalester staple. I would
knock it down points for cultural
appropriation, but it’s barely even
recognizable as Tex-Mex. With Scotty’s,
you know what your getting every
time: hard rice, soggy meat, tasty guac,
and serviceable salsa. It is the perfect
amount of greasy and disgusting to just
be palatable. Would I bring Scotty’s
home to the parents for dinner? No.
Would I let Scotty’s give me a quick
blowie in the bathroom stall of a Kagin?
You know... I’d think about it.

L.C. Performance Bowls

In my 50 years of food review, I can honestly
say I have never tasted a better meal than the
Leonard Center Performance Bowls. The
geniuses at Bon Appétit have formulated a
revolutionary new culinary technique that has
sent reverberations throughout the culinary world.
The strategy? Not seasoning their food. The bases--
brown rice, quinoa, or lentils-- pair off perfectly with the
raw vegetable toppings. The plain chickpeas and tempeh are satisfyingly
neutral in your mouth. The chicken, dry as a bone, takes a long time to chew,
so you can taste it longer! It is the first meal I have had where the food tastes
the same as the bowl it comes in. Want to give a little ethnic heat to your
Performance Bowl? Sprinkle some of the complementary sunflower seeds and
dried cranberries on top. Bon Appetit has once again outdone themselves
and continue to set the bar for not only dining at Macalester, but nationwide
culinary standards.
A Prayer for PFs
O! Bless’d BriRo who aren’t in the house the college pays for, hear our
prayer! Many days has it been since we have been granted thy gifts of
potential freshmen upon Cafe Macalester. We entreat upon you, o
glorious BriRo, to bestow upon us such gifts once more!

Let our plates runneth over with bread pudding and other delicacies!
And the fork bins overflow!
Let the breakfast potatoes be seasoned!
And the stations’ rice, soft and actually cooked!
May the student workers bless us with full servings!
And the soda fountain (you know the one) give unto us the right drink!
Let the dessert cabinet be plentiful!
And let our mouths be filled with thy desserts’ soft deliciousness and not thy usual dry
crumbs!

O bless’d BriRo, Glory by thy Name! Listen to our plea! We will endure
the plague of long lines and parents for such a boon! Grant unto us a
bounty of first years! For we pay too fucking much for Cafe Mac’s shit
otherwise.

Amen
Page 3 • Oct. 20Biteen N E W S ...? THE SNACC WEEKLY

New FYC for the Monetarily Advantaged

By JOHN STAMOZ
Food and Drink Editor

Last week, the Hegemonocle learned of a new class to be offered next semester in the
Media and Cultural Studies department. The class will be taught by professor Chris Morris, visiting
Minnesota from Columbia University. Professor Morris has had great success with his rigorous course
at Columbia thus far and is looking forward to a new path at Macalester.
The Hegemonocle sat down with Professor Morris at Sencha to talk about this prestigious new
course. While composing an email, updating Moodle, and checking the SCOTUS blog, Mosely said,
“this class is designed for the best of the best wealthy multitaskers. Essentially, I’ll be talking at my
students for three hours every week–there won’t be any tests, quizzes or papers, this is really just an
opportunity for these super smart kids to hone the skills they’ll need to develop to thrive in the rest of
their classes at Macalester.”
A key learning objective for the class is effective strategies for ignoring professors. Prof. Morris
is especially excited about the class’s final project: learning how to deflect when cold called. He says,
“this is really an area I’ve seen students struggling with. It’s just not something that they’re learning in
high school; I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a guilty ‘Um, can you repeat the question?’ or
convoluted answers based on last week’s readings. It is so important that we get to these kids early and
prevent them from embarrassing themselves. They must know that there is no shame in zoning out for
long stretches of their $7,000 classes and giving irrelevant answers when called on.”
President Rosenberg himself is spearheading this effort. “Depending on the response (or lack
of response) this semester, we’re thinking about expanding this program into a whole concentration…
it’s essential that all the wealthy kids at Macalester have an opportunity to learn how to effectively write
papers, do readings, check their email, and stay in touch with their friends - all while their professors
are delivering passionate lectures to the cold, metallic backs of their students’ Macbooks.”

Pre-Requisites:
• Must own a 2018 or newer Macbook Pro (with touchbar, obviously)
• Must have used 2 or more of the following for at least 3 semesters: Facebook Messenger,
WeChat, iMessage
• Must leave iPhone on at least vibrate at all times
• Must leave iPhone on desk at all times
• Must take notes on your MacBook or on your iPad Pro
• Must do readings in class as the professor is discussing said readings

Preference will be given to student athletes.

 OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT SHAVING WAS AN OPTION, GIRL THANKS
BEARDED HOOK-UP FOR POINTING IT OUT
One of St. Paul’s own, Annie Jones, had a glorious revelation last night after she brought a man back to her apartment
in hopes of getting at least 1/7th of the way off. According to Annie, the couple was in the middle of a third-rate makeout
session when suddenly, everything stopped. “For a second, I was grateful for the break, it gave me a chance to pull out 3 of the
7 beard hairs that had made my mouth their home,” Annie stated during our over-the-phone interview. She continued, “but
unfortunately, something even worse was happening.” Worse indeed. Annie’s hook-up, Chase, had found himself absolutely
blindsided by the unexpected barrage of pubic hair arising from Annie’s crotch. In a state of shock, all Chase managed to say
through his episodic delirium was, “you know, it’s hotter if you shave down there.”
Annie explained the immediate shock she experienced after being told this, “I really had no idea that it was an
option. I thought that I was just stuck with this huge bush forever. But, Chase really helped me figure out how to deal with my
shockingly present pubic hair.”
Annie’s pubic hair (allegedly referred to as ‘The Bush™’) thinks otherwise, “I was automatically not on board when
Chase showed up wearing khakis rolled up so high that I could see the bottom of his kneecaps. Chase and his puka shell
necklace were here for what, 15 minutes, before I got in the way? Annie couldn’t even defend me before I was equated to the
CGI vagina portal from Stranger-fucking-Things.” We asked The Bush™ if they ever would have expected such an encounter
and they responded, “I mean, lately she’s been into the types of guys who insist on touching your lower back when passing
you in a “close” space, but I never thought she’d stoop to the level of a guy like Chase. He’s somehow unaware of his ability to
be nauseatingly insulting and is yet exceptionally proactive about hypocritically insulting anything with the very hint of a tit.”
When asked what The Bush™ would say to Chase if he were listening, Annie’s bush calmly queried, “you really think
she’d ever choose you over me? You’re just another letdown that will come up in Wednesday’s therapy session when they talk
about why she can’t seem to have nice things.”
The Macalester senior and Political Science Unsolicited Advice major, Chase Jones, declined our request for a
comment, although he could be heard in the background of our phone call with Annie, enthusiastically singing along to Robin
Thicke’s Blurred Lines.

If you too struggle with not having a body as smooth as the crotch of a goddamn Chinese Crested, please call our support
hotline: 1-800-MEN-SUCK

PIGS RIOT AFTER LEARNING PORK MAKES UP

MAJORITY OF CAFE MAC’S DONATED FOOD SCRAPS
Staff members of Barthold Farms in Butt-fuck-nowhere, Minnesota struggled
to subdue porcine residents last Saturday afternoon as information of the
farm-wide cannibalism rapidly spread. All pigs have since been handed off to the
local humane society, but tensions are still high amongst surviving staff of the
food recycling farm.
The still dazed head farmer, Robby Pickton gave an official comment on the
events, “we still have no idea how they found out they were eatin’ their own
kind… or how they became self-aware… or learned how to get into an offensive
formation…or talk?...” He blacked out before he could finish, still holding onto
several of the pigs’ picket signs, all bearing cliché quotes from Animal Farm.
While research on the situation has just begun, initial data is suggesting
that the hogs at Barthold Farms had extraordinarily low levels of serotonin,
the cause of which has been traced back to the food scraps from the catering
company, Bon Appétit.
We were able to break Pig #4378 out of the humane society for a brief
interview. Unprompted, Pig #4378 quickly began, “First, these assholes make us
eat shitty college leftovers that almost immediately make you exhibit symptoms
of Seasonal Affective Disorder, but then the SAD hippie food is all made of
HOG?! Y’all know where the food is going! You know your plate is full of uneaten
pork and yet, you still happily hand it over to a shit ton of pigs?!” After
this tirade, Pig #4378 bit the arms of his handler clean off, stood his two
back legs (making him a towering 7ft), and promptly sprinted across the nearby
highway with perfect form. As we headed back to Barthold Farms to wrap up with
Farmer Pickton the crew was able to record a faint “Y’all nasty!” over the sound
of the traffic…

This article is dedicated to the 3 Barthold Farms staff members who lost their
lives and the 14 who lost limbs in the riot. Please call (763)555-7447 to offer
your condolences or if you have information regarding Pig #4378’s whereabouts.
 Hey doctor _______________,
(insert last name)
What the __________________ is wrong with you? No sane person holds a night class in the
(preferred swear word)
_______________ floor of ________________. When I signed up for _________________, I wish I’d known
(your mom’s age) (building you dislike) (obscure topics course)

you’d be so boring! As a(n) ____________ I shouldn’t have to take a _______________

(STEM Major) (gen ed requirment)

course. I’m a godDAMN S C I E N T I S T. Do you think taking a(n) __________will help me get into
(arts course)
___________________________? Do you? DO YOU?
(med school you probably won’t get into)
Best Wishes,
_________
(Your name)

Dear___________________,
(professor’s first name)
My idiot roommates and I are watching ______________________. An important question was raised that
(television show or movie)
we can’t agree on: who is the hottest ___________ character? I think that the obvious choice is
(tv or movie)
_______________________. This is a very important that warrants a response from a wise and intelligent
(blatantly unhot character)
______________________ professor. Unfortunately, __________________ is not available.
(professor’s department) (Department Chair)

___________ ,
(Your name)

___________
(Your name)

Uhhh,

Hey professor _______. I hope this doesn’t sound ______________, but I think I saw you on Seeking
(last name) (negative adjective)
Arrangements. Is there a reason you’re promoting yourself as a sugar __________? Not that I’m in the market
(preferred title)
for one. Just curious, when you said you’re looking for a__________ year old who likes to _____________
(your age) (your favorite activity)
and can cook, were you also looking for a person who is ___________________? Again, I’m not saying
(specific detail about you)
I’m looking for a ______________________. That would totally be weird hahaha... unless..
(adjective for companion/wealth source)

My profile name is _______________69. DM me on Handshake?

(your student ID number)
 Bachelor in Duparadise
CANCELLED
The Hegemonocle has obtained a leaked press release from the Bachelor in Duparadise
head of public relations. We’ve decided to print it in its entirety in this issue:
To our beloved fans and audience,
We are sorry to report that Bachelor in Duparadise is set to be cancelled come November 2019 and will not be renewed
for a second season.
Our network provider, MEN (Macalester Entertainment Network) has called for all production to cease effective
immediately, and has announced that no episodes of BiD will air after the end of October. This was a mutual decision, prompted
by the realization of both producers and network executives that the show could not go on due to the incredible frequency and
intensity with which the participants, all residents of Dupre Hall, were fucking.
This behavior, while encouraged at first, eventually interrupted the flow of production to an unmanageable degree, due
to the uncontainable flows of production. Contestants repeatedly missed shoots and interviews because, sadly, they were too
busy sucking and fucking.
Due to this unexpected development, production costs soared as the BiD crew spent 50% of the show’s first season
budget on condoms. We can no longer sustain the costs incurred in producing such a sophisticated show as Bachelor in
Duparadise.
W e will miss our loyal audience, but this isn’t the end. We’re in the process of workshopping a pilot for our next series, The
Real Housewives of the Veggie Co-Op. Stay tuned, and thanks for watching.

Sincerely,
Bachelor in Duparadise
2019-2019
The
Brian Rosenberg Ceremony
Memory Reel
The Hege goes down on Juulian on the Projected size of the Class of ‘42 expected
to be extremely large due to Bachelor in
Weedian.
Duparadise love children.

Brian &
Tas find
Bachelo
r in DuP true love and le
get elop a ave
ed and s radise to pound
pend th it out
eir lives
together
.
 Feeling Goofy?

Feeling naughty?

Feeling Silly?

Feeling Quirky? Feeling fun?

Want to fall in love?

Find your bachelor in Duparadise?
Share your creative genius?
Join the Hege!
Meetings are Thursdays 9:00-10:00pm in cc206!
Drop in, or send us an email if you’re interested! Hegemonocle@macalester.edu