09 - Lets Talk Sex Darrah de Jour Transcript

Let’s Talk About Sex
Marni Kinrys: Darrah, hello.
Darrah de Jour: Hi.
Marni Kinrys: Hi, how are you?
Darrah de Jour: I’m great. I’m really excited. I love the questions. I was
just looking over some of those and I’m really excited to talk. I like how
direct and candid everybody is being.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah. Listen, it’s because they have a short and small
opportunity to ask questions. So you are the expert and they obviously love
listening to you from the interview that we did before, a few weeks ago. So I
am really excited that you are going to be talking to me today, and I will
contribute and help out whatever I can, but I consider you the expert on
this stuff. But I would love if you could just give a little bit of background
on who you are, why people should listen to you and why sex is your
specialty.
Darrah de Jour: Sure. Well, I consider multi-sex and sensuality.

Sensuality is really important. I consider myself sensuous, and I think
some people are naturally very sensual and then some people needed to
work a little bit harder to achieve that level of sensuality, and it’s extremely
important. It’s missing from a lot of aspects of our society and also the
appointment we watch, but that’s another subject.
My background is I’ve had a very high sex drive and I’ve been very
interested in exploring my body. When I say sensual, I mean, everything,
the smell, the touch, the taste, like just sort of taking life in and taking your
partner in and taking everything in a way that like takes you on a deeper
level and then more intuitive. I started thinking about sexuality very early
on, probably about nine or ten years old, and exploring my own body
around the same time. I’m bisexual and those feelings started very early for
me as well, and from high school, I would say about the time I was 15 I am
writing a lot.
Marni Kinrys: I’m sorry. Okay.
Darrah de Jour: Writing is a huge outlet for me. It’s my job and it’s also
just who I am. From my writing I started exploring my sexuality more, and
right now I’m a writer for SuicideGirls. I have a monthly column where I
talk about issues that affect women in America, and it’s sort of I touch on a
lot of other things. I’m in body image and advertising and current events
and interviews with celebrities, but somehow I think doing that in the radio
show, I have been dubbed like a sensuality expert.
Marni Kinrys: I love that.

Darrah de Jour: Which is awesome because I never came across as
saying that about myself, but it’s something that listeners and readers and
like my editor kind of it was like, “Yeah.”
Marni Kinrys: You know what, you are an expert. Well, actually, before
you go on any further, I did want you to maybe dive a little bit deeper into
the differences between sexual and sensual because sometimes I’m not even
sure what the differences are. So I would love it if you can explain.
Darrah de Jour: Sure. I mean, in my opinion, okay, for example, if you

are hooking up with a guy and he’s number one goal is to fuck you, then
he’s coming from a sexual place.
Marni Kinrys: Okay.
Darrah de Jour: But if he wants to explore your body and feel every dip
and curve and smell you and touch you and talk to you and hear your voice
and look into your eyes, that’s sensual.
Marni Kinrys: Okay. Is that something that women like better. Yeah, so
how does that work? Is sexuality better, or is sensuality better in terms of
sex and women?
Darrah de Jour: I personally feel that sensuality is really important to
bring in. Obviously, women are going to differ in regard to what they want,
but I would say like 80% or more of women want a sensual aspect because
women are very sensual. I mean, we take tabs and we like candles and the
way that we enjoy our food and everything that we do, our perfumes and
our clothes like aesthetics. All of those things are really, really important to
us. I think we are very sensual, and so if a man is tapping into that part of
himself, it also creates a level of trust and safety like, “Oh, this is somebody
that actually wants to get to know me and my body, not just get inside my
body and using me as a tool for an orgasm.” Did that make sense?
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, absolutely. So can men be sensual with women

without having to be in a relationship with them, like for a one-night
stands? Can one-night stands be sensual?
Darrah de Jour: Definitely.
Marni Kinrys: Okay.
Darrah de Jour: Absolutely.
Marni Kinrys: And is that misleading to women, or is it? I guess because

not the way that you are describing it because I completely understand that,
but I want everybody on the call to understand like the complete difference
because… again… oh, sorry. My brain is a little bit like fried today. The way
that you kind of describing it sounds a little bit lovingly. So is there a
difference between making love and sensuality so that men can understand
that they can still be sensual, but not have to be committed?
Darrah de Jour: Sure. Well, okay, I think there are two different things
that are on the table with that. I am a huge communicator. I think
communication is really important. I think that there is no shame in
anything that you want. So I mean, we are all adults.
Marni Kinrys: Right.
Darrah de Jour: Assuming that everyone is an adult and it’s mutual

agreed upon thing then nobody is being hurt and nobody is under aged.
Marni Kinrys: Okay.
Darrah de Jour: And if it will hurt, they may want to be hurt, you know?
Marni Kinrys: Exactly. That thing could mean okay as well.
Darrah de Jour: If you want customized relationship or you want a

casual sensual relationship, whatever it is that you want, it needs to be
talked about before you have sex. If you are having sex and you are fucking
so that the girl won’t think that you love her or that there won’t be strings
attached, you are doing it wrong. It’s like you need to find the girl that’s
okay with just fucking and then when you fuck her, make it an incredible
experience that she wants to repeat.
Marni Kinrys: Okay.
Darrah de Jour: Does that make sense?
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: Yeah.
Marni Kinrys: That definitely makes sense. So can I ask you a question
about women and sensuality and women and sex because last time when
you and I got together, we talked about getting women into the right
mindset for sex because you started off the call talking about mainstream
media, body image issues. It’s like all of these things a lot of women have to
deal with them on a daily basis, not that they have to, but they do deal with
them on a daily basis and it does affect their sex lives in some way, and a lot
of guys take it personally because they think that a woman’s discomfort
during sex is towards them, but I know that that’s not true. Can you talk
about that for a minute just about the impact that the outside world has on
women and sex?
Darrah de Jour: Sure. I mean, it’s a complicated like multi-layered

issue, and I think with women, there is something. There is a huge
paradigm shift that’s happening right now. The pendulum is starting
swinging together and then I think that there are a lot of people that are
confused, male and female, about what their role is. It’s like I think guys
don’t have a clear cut defined gender role like they did in the 1950’s. That’s
not a bad thing, but I do think that they is a certain element always of a
hunter of hunting together.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: Like there always is because our DNA hasn’t changed
all that much in the last 10,000 years.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: And women want to feel beautiful and they want to feel
feminine. In regard to the effect that advocating has, it’s not just body
image. It’s just like from the time we can remember, it’s like dieting and
looking a certain way and if you are not good enough, then you are not thin
enough and all the rest of it. But there is also the whole Madonna whore
complex that our society has because of religion, because there is
patriarchs, because of whatever, and I’m not wagging my finger at men
about this. Women have to make a choice.
Darrah de Jour: If they are either going to, they are not going to say,
“I’m a bad girl or I am a good girl. I see us women. I’m a lady. I’m
somebody that has a whole spectrum of sexual choices, ideas and desires,
and if I’m “bad girl” one day, well, the next day I want to be a princess.”
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: So it’s very limiting and it’s a way to control people.
Just like convincing men that they need to make a certain amount of money
as a way to control men like, “Your penis isn’t big enough and you don’t
make enough money.” It’s the same thing for women like, “You are not
skinny enough and you are a slut.” Like all of that shit needs to go away.
So I think the best, in short, the best way to help a woman is to not feel that
way, to not echo those sentiments and to make her feel beautiful and taken
care of, even if it’s just a sensual relationship.
Marni Kinrys: Okay.

Darrah de Jour: Those relationships can be so important. I’ve learned
so much out of my relationships that were not necessarily boys and
girlfriend or girlfriend-girlfriend. They were just about healing and
becoming more aware of what I desired in bed.
Marni Kinrys: Okay, can you actually walk me through what that looks
like? So if a man were to be out and meet a girl somewhere, what would it
look like? Like not what would he say, but what would the intention be
behind what he is saying to a woman to help put her at that place of ease so
that she doesn’t feel judged or evaluated or possibly shameful for doing
something slutty? But how can he help her to be proud of what she’s
doing? Because that’s pretty much what you are saying, it’s like when you
put a woman’s at ease, her body is at ease instantly, but most men don’t
actually know how to put woman at ease. So again, could you make me
through what it looks like?
Darrah de Jour: That’s a great question. I really think the first thing that
men need to do is to discover, and I will answer your question, but the first
thing is not to feel that way. So the first thing that guys need to do before,
look, it’s not about acting and pretending as if.
Marni Kinrys: Right, right.
Darrah de Jour: So if guys can take the time to examine whether they
are looking at women in a powerful way. What they really believe is that
like they married a good girl and then they will fuck the bad girl, like that
kind of limited thinking is hurting women and it’s hurting men because
men are getting married to who they think they are supposed to be married
to and then they are having affairs, and that’s why it’s one of the key
reasons I believe that we have like a 51% divorce rate. It’s like people don’t
know what to want and so they are kind of becoming deceitful and they are
doing what they think they are supposed to do for so long. So the first thing
I would say is really examine what are your feelings about women sexuality
and also be okay with whatever the answer is because if you really do think
there is that good girl and there is the whore and you want the good girl,
then fine, don’t talk about it, but do it, right?
Darrah de Jour: But if you can open up those parameters and the
spectrum of women sexuality and really understand, it’s like women want
to explore for the most part. I mean, I’m generalizing. I can’t say every
single woman, but my friends and the people I talk to and I talk about this a
lot with people that I meet, it’s just the thing.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, of course.
Darrah de Jour: They want to explore it for masturbation. They want to

explore mutual masturbation. They want to explore its effects like all these
things, maybe even threesomes, like burlesque, like this, this and that. But
how do we say that? What forum do we create? So I would say the best
thing would be like discover how you feel about women’s sexuality and
what I call it a “fuck it with.” Instead of a “fucking with” it’s a “fuck it with.”
Marni Kinrys: I like that.
Darrah de Jour: So you might want to talk and that you want to do
sexually either by yourself or with, but it’s more fun with another person, of
course.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: Whatever it is, fucking in airplane, going to Amsterdam

red light district and checking out Lady Moda, like whatever crazy fucked
up thing that you want to explore and then I told people a few things on my
bucket list and so that’s fun. But anyway to answer you, so it’s a deep
question that you just presented, but in regard to once you decided and
determined like how you feel, assuming that you do think women are
beautiful and multi-layered, I love when men compliment my spirit. They
are just like, “You have a beautiful way about you. You have a beautiful
spirit. You seem like I know who you are. You are very confident, that’s
very attractive.” They compliment my hair. It’s not just like, “Wow, you’ve
got like nice curves.”
Marni Kinrys: You are great, or you are hot.
Darrah de Jour: You are hot.
Marni Kinrys: Exactly.
Darrah de Jour: It’s like, “Well, that’s nice and thank you.” You can
never go wrong with complimenting my rack, but like if you are a sensual
person and you see inside me, then I want to know more about you, you
know?
Marni Kinrys: Yeah. I agree with that. That’s like just basic
conversation skills as well. I teach something called Listen, Confirm and
Affirm, which is like while you are having conversation to remember to
listen to a person, confirm that you’ve heard them, and most importantly,
to affirm them after they’ve said something that you can tell has been pretty
valuable for them or of great importance so you say to them, not using these
specific words but, “Because of what you said, I like you more. I find you
intriguing. I like your spirit. I can see that there is something special about
you.” And then if you can expand on why you think those things, that’s like
really, for me, that’s hitting my sensual points right there. That means that
somebody can see within or deep inside me. He can see beyond the surface
level and see something more than other people see and not stop. That’s
what turns me on ultimately.
But I do want to comment on one of the things that you said before about
men seeing women in specific categories. I actually have that with my
husband. When we first started dating, I had previously broken up with a
boyfriend who sadly was convinced that sex was horrible and that I was a
monster because I was so open sexually that I completely closed off for
about two years, and when I met my husband he was actually the first
person that I wanted to sleep with after that two year window. So we
waited about two months to sleep with each other, and because of that, I
think I put myself into that category of like what you are talking about
before, the marrying type or the “take her out for dinner and treat her
nicely,” and sadly for me, because once I did get comfortable sexually, I
really wanted to explore, and for him he understood me in a very different
sexual light so it was always pleasant and nice and sweet and romantic.
Yes, that’s lovely and wonderful and I welcome that, but I also want to be
thrown up against a wall. I’m pretty assertive in my day-to-day life and I
want to be a little bit more submissive sometimes in the bedroom and I
would like somebody to be assertive with me. For us to get to that place
took some time because I felt that I had set myself up a certain way in the
very beginning, but from what you are saying, if a man can see a woman as
not just one thing or the other, but if he sees her as what ebb and flow like
between all of these different dynamics, that to me can really enhance your
sexual and sensual life and your normal day-to-day life if you don’t
categorize a person as one specific thing.
Darrah de Jour: Yes. Everything you said I completely understand. I
think that there will always be a certain level to men as long as we continue
in the direction that we are going with society as like the good girl waits a
certain period of time and you have to invest in the good girl. The bad girl
will be at that sooner and it isn’t good of an investment and it isn’t going to
be the best mom for your kids.
Darrah de Jour: It’s like there is a certain level. I mean, it’s been going
on for so long and it reaffirms by so many different facets of our life,
everything, our friends, society, religion, politics, like everything supports
this.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: But that being said, I love what you said that by the
time you are ready for your husband and yourself to explore those more
akin to your affects of your sexuality, the cool thing is that you know you
better, you knew him better and you were safer with him. There was like an
unspoken body language that was happening between the two of you so that
you could probably open up even more.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.

Darrah de Jour: So given that you waited a little bit of time to do that, I
think it’s like awesome and really smart choice, and I like to tell people
pretty early on that I’m a really modern girl with very sort of old fashioned,
chivalrous courtship, loving values, and sometimes they are just like,
“What?” And it’s like basically I’m not going to sleep with you right away,
and I love being courted and I love being a lady and that woman never
change, but I’m very open sexually and so I won’t work that well, for
example, with someone who is very traditional. Look, I’m not going to
work well with them and I don’t even try anymore like I’ve tried a couple of
times. Like it’s not going to work, they are stuck in Madonna whore thing.
They want something different than what I provide, and they can’t provide
me with the type of zest, sort of exploration that I’m looking for.
For me, what it kind of comes down to too is energy, like I love all the fun
stuff and the toys and the spanking and all the rest of it. It’s like I love it,
but like if it’s just a guy that knows how to like fucking flip me and can be
masculine and can also let me get on top and all of that, like I don’t need
the like things and tricks and things, Do you know what I mean?
Marni Kinrys: Right. Okay, so let’s take a step back before we get to that
level because I wanted to go back to walking through what it would look like
if a guy was out somewhere, meets a girl for the night and the first question
that was on our list was, how to make a move even when you are self-
doubting? So it’s like how do you go from talking and having a really good
time at a bar or on a date or at a coffee shop to moving it to that next level
of either a kiss or getting sexual like how do you evaluate what a woman is
open to during that time?
Darrah de Jour: Great question. I like conversations. As I kind of

mentioned before, I’m a big communicator and I think it’s really important
women love communication. I don’t think it’s about questions. I don’t
bombard a woman with questions because then it could turn their mind in
their headspace and then all that other shit comes into play with like, “What
should I do? What shouldn’t I do? Like I wanted to hook up with this guy,
but now I’m like up in my head and I’m thinking like I shouldn’t do that
because that’s not what like a good girl does because women have that
Madonna whore thing as well.”
So I think that creating a safe space, helping to convey that you understand
that she’s a whole person with or without you, that she is red life with or
without you, but you love to be a part of that life and you are willing to earn
your earn your way into that and that you have something of value to offer.
And also another thing is that a lot of women feel shame for a lot of
different reasons about things, about choices they made in the past, about
things that have happened to them. Women have a lot of shame. Men have
shame as well, but it’s just being that we are talking about women.

Darrah de Jour: So the more open-minded a man can come across and
hopefully be, the better. So I love what you are saying before about
somebody being a good listener and being a detailed listener and then
affirming and confirming like that shows that you are truly listening to me
and the worst thing that can happen is I’m telling a story or even just
talking about life or my day and it’s like, “Hey, do you want to get another
drink? Or so do you live around here?” And you are just like, “Wow, really,
dude?”
Marni Kinrys: It’s like you are focusing on something else. You are in
the moment. You are not listening to me. So again, I want to just be more
clear on the fact that this isn’t all about falling in love and like you have to
compliment and be really lovingly. You can still be sexual and sensual
without having to promise a commitment down the line. So let’s say
somebody didn’t want to promise anything down the line, but he can still be
a really present man who is able to take the lead. I don’t want to say that
there are rules because that’s not the way that women work, that there isn’t
like just put your hand here then look at her eyes and look at her mouth.
Like I don’t want to do that on this call, but if you can maybe give some
guidance for things that could be signals to a woman that she would be
open to like brushing her hand or the side of her arm, like what sort of
things to take it from a friendly conversation to a more sexual conversation
that you would be open to if that man was at first a present man who is able
to connect. Because if you are not able to be that man, anything that you
do, even if it is like proven by the top pickup artists and George Clooney
and Brad Pitt and all these guys, like even if it’s proven by them that it
works every single time, it doesn’t work if you don’t have that connection
and being present. So what are some things that men can do to show that
they are sexually interested without pouncing on a woman into taking it to
that next level?
Darrah de Jour: Sure. And I don’t think anything ever works a hundred
percent.
Darrah de Jour: It’s like I don’t even like Brad Pitt or George Clooney to
be honest with you.
Marni Kinrys: Right, I just threw their names out there, but yeah.
Darrah de Jour: It’s like…
Marni Kinrys: But even Adam Sandler, let’s toss that one out there, but
you know what I’m saying.
Darrah de Jour: It’s right in listening to them because they are the
archetypes of the lothario/playboy guys that can get any women absolutely
without questions, and I know I’m probably in the minority, but like as I
kind of gain more access to men and is able to be blessed by like having
awesome guys in my life and talking more to men, I’m so enamored with
just real dudes, real guys that can like be honest and sincere and actually
make the commitment and like make a choice and take the reins, like to me
that’s extremely sexy more so than looks, more so than money, you know?
Marni Kinrys: Oh, right, yeah. Well, I would say that’s for most women,
and one hundred percent, that’s for most women. Because what I tell men
is that women evaluate them on very different levels than men do. We
don’t just say, “Oh, he’s hot that I want to fuck him,” we say, “He’s hot.
Okay, what else does he got for me?” It’s like when you are in a bar
scenario and you are going to have a one-night stand, women do tend to be
a little bit more superficial. They do want the exciting experience of
somebody who is extremely sexual and sensual and good-looking man.
They sometimes don’t need a lot more than that so it is a bit more
superficial, but for anything a little bit more than a one-night stand, not
meaning commitment or serious relationship, they do tend to evaluate on a
broader scale than men do.
Darrah de Jour: Right.
Marni Kinrys: So it’s not just money and looks.
Darrah de Jour: Yeah, I think that men are attuned to be visual and I
think for women it’s where our desires are different beyond the one-night
stands. In regards to answering your question about taking it to the next
level, I think that’s where sensuality comes in a lot.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: I love when guys tell me that I smell good, and that’s
always a great way to get in really close to women’s neck.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, definitely.
Darrah de Jour: They tell me I smell good or they tell me that they really
like my hair and can they touch it, and like anything that you can do like get
close and touch me and if you agree with what I’m saying like you touch my
arm or you touch my hands. I love it when I’m walking in somewhere and
the guy puts his hands on…
Marni Kinrys: On your lower back.
Darrah de Jour: On my lower back in like kind of guy’s hand, that’s

really cool. Also, in walking through a club like I’d love when guys want to
be really gentlemanly and like have me walk first, but I don’t want to walk
first through a busy nightclub. It’s like I want you to lead.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: So the guy takes my hand and holds my hand and he’s
like, “I’m going to get us through here.” So I guess being a gentleman but
also being assertive is really great.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, I agree with that. Okay, so what about touching, tell
me more about touching. So what are the areas that should be avoided?
Are there areas like to initiate in the very beginning? Like if a guy just
grabbed your crotch, would that be acceptable?
Darrah de Jour: I guess it depends.
Marni Kinrys: Right, that’s true.
Darrah de Jour: It depends on where you are.
Marni Kinrys: That’s true. I guess that’s very true. As I said, it’s typical.
Like are there rules for how long to touch for, for how aggressively to touch.
Like just some guidance. Again, it’s not a hundred percent every single
time that these are the correct things to do, but for you as a woman because
I know the things that I like for touch, like I don’t like when guys touch me
for too long if I haven’t formed some sort of rapport or connection with
them yet. I find it very awkward and uncomfortable. I don’t like if they
touch me on my butt if I don’t know them very well. Like I had this guy, I
was out on Halloween and this guy came out to me to talk to me and he said
something in my ear and like right away his hand went down my back onto
my ass.
Darrah de Jour: Wow!
Marni Kinrys: And I grabbed his hand and I said, “Don’t do that please.
First, I’m married, but don’t do that.” And if I wasn’t married, that would
have been way too soon for that to happen, and I was pretty drunk as well,
but I was very aware that that was inappropriate and like slimy and I said,
“I don’t like it at all.” He hadn’t said more than two words to me and I
found that it really disgusting. So I know that there are some guidelines to
follow for touching to take it to that next level. So if you can tell that.
Darrah de Jour: Yeah, I know that’s pretty simple a lot for sure and I
agree with them, like I know all about the ass and like I don’t want your
hand on my ass unless it’s invited.
Darrah de Jour: The lower back is fine, and the duration is important as
well like you said. I mean, I wouldn’t touch them in their inner thigh. I
wouldn’t touch someone above their knee particularly.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: I mean, you may go a couple of inches, but not beyond
that. I mean, don’t like sexually harass somebody, but I think it’s more
about you are gazing whether she is accepted. So for me, I love my neck
being touched. I like my hair being touched. I think you can get to the
place where you are touching her hips and then that’s going to be right
before you are ready to go in for the kill, and so that could be like her back
pocket one. Let’s see, other spots that are good. Hands are always good.
Hands are really, really awesome.
Marni Kinrys: For how long? You had said duration before, sorry to
interrupt you, but you had said duration before. So are there guidelines for
how long to touch for?
Darrah de Jour: I always say like three to five seconds.
Marni Kinrys: Okay. I would probably agree.
Marni Kinrys: I would say usually like two to three seconds in the very
beginning and then as you get closer to initiating something more sexual, I
would, yeah, have it for about three to five seconds. I’m like doing it right
now as if you can see, but I’m like five fingertips touching the side of my
arm, inside of my legs. I love stuff like that where it’s slow movements and
light movements and if somebody is making eye contact while they are
doing that, then breaks away from eye contact and actually look at where
his fingers are running and then makes eye contact with me again, like I
find that extremely sexy and attractive.
Actually, I learned this one thing recently and I tried it with my husband
the other day. So it’s like once you have rapport with somebody already or
some sort of connection built with them, meaning that you know that you
are both attracted to one another or at least you pretty much assume that
you are both attracted to one another and what you do is it’s like looking at
a person’s lips. So you look, you make eye contact. You would give like a
small smirk and then you look down at their lips for about one to two
seconds, give another small smirk and then slowly go back up to their eyes.
And I had my husband do this to me and I literally felt tingles all over, and
we’ve been together for seven years. When we were at dinner, I said, “Can
you just try something for me like not even talking about anything sexual
whatsoever?” He goes, “Yeah.” And I gave him the guidelines on what to
do and he goes okay, he turned away and he turned back and he did it, and
I was like, “Oh my God.” Like I felt it literally rising like a butterfly inside
me like all through my stomach and my chest and my legs and it was a very
nice feeling to have, and all I wanted to do was lean forward and kiss him at
that moment.
Darrah de Jour: Absolutely. I love that. All of those subtleties are
incredible. Eye contact is awesome, when they do too much eye contact like
you don’t want to weird anybody out, but what you are talking about is like
connecting and then disconnecting, not disconnecting but sort of boarding
your eyes and you won’t even hear it once, so it’s like it’s getting any better
than that, you know?
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: It’s very flirtatious. It’s very sensual. Yeah, it’s sounds
amazing.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, I know it does. As I’ve said, I’ve response right now.
It feels really nice. So those are just some guidelines for people to follow for
how to make that next move, how to escalate it or elevate it to – is that the
right words, or whatever – it doesn’t matter. You get what I’m saying, but
take it to that next level to make that first move. But I think overall to
answer that question of how to make a move even when you are self-
doubting is to take a second to get into your body if you are self-doubting
and say what you want to do. Just be very direct with yourself on what you
want to do and don’t think about the outcome. This will come over time
with practice.
The first time, it may take five seconds to get back into your body and be
able to be more present, and then as you continue to do practices like this,
it will happen a lot faster, but literally checking them yourself for a moment
and say, “I want to kiss her right now.” So you look, you make eye contact,
look at her lips, maybe graze her arm a little bit, get closer and tell her she
smells amazing. You make eye contact with her again and then lean in and
go for the kiss.
Darrah de Jour: I think that’s great.
Marni Kinrys: I know.
Darrah de Jour: I want to say something which is that you want to feel,
and I love the idea of knowing what you want. It’s like taking that breath,
calming down, and like asking yourself the question of what it is that you
want and making that decision and then moving forward. You have to feel
it out with women. I mean, masculinity is really, really important that you
want to get into that zone where you are like feeling it and you are vibing
that with her, and touch is a great way to figure out. Touch and smell are
two huge ways to figure out whether you are going to have good times
together also in that and just in general. So just because she’s hot, it
doesn’t mean that it’s going to feel good for you when you touch her or that
she’s going to smell good or any of these things.

Darrah de Jour: It’s like the way that someone actually really truly
smells, not their perfume but how they really truly smell. If you don’t like
that, it’s actually scientifically proven that there is a good chance the
relationship is not going to work out.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah. Now, I know phermones.
Darrah de Jour: So holistically, with just pheromones and all that, there
is a better chance that you like the way your partner naturally smells, that
you are going to be able to work through conflict. It’s something about
immune system. We choose our partners that either have better or worse
immune systems than around. Women typically, yeah, I don’t want to go to
that whole thing. We could talk about it, but yeah, it’s about that. It’s that
primal. It’s that carnal.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, interesting.
Darrah de Jour: So it’s often about you, whether you as a man like what
you feel and like what you saw and it’s not just about what you see and like
conquering that person because it’s not about numbers, it’s about the
quality of the experience, but it’s you.
Marni Kinrys: Absolutely. While you were talking, I actually thought of
another question to throw in there. You know the debate about when a
woman says no that a lot of men have…
Darrah de Jour: What debate?
Marni Kinrys: Well, the debate is, “Well, why does she say no if she really
doesn’t mean no? Or how do you know when she really means no?” So I
wanted to talk a bit about that because I have some opinions on no, which
are basically based in what we are talking at before with the Madonna, and
what is it, the Madonna and whore? Is that what it is?
Darrah de Jour: Yeah, Madonna whore.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, Madonna whore debate, because for me, like if
people hear that, they don’t really know exactly what that means. So a lot
of guys think that if a woman says no, you stop instantly. That same no in a
very specific way where they are like, “No, yeah, I don’t want anything.”
They tense up immediately. They are very verbal about not wanting
anything. The no that other people talk about which really kind of means
yes, and I want you to be very careful with this one, is it’s really the woman
verbalizing her inner debate that’s going on, “Should I do this? Should I
not do this? If I see them on the first date, is he going to call me the next
day? Is he going to like me? Am I going to be a slut for sleeping with him
on the first date?” It’s like that inner debate that’s going on. So if you could
talk a little bit about that and maybe expand on what I was saying and
maybe explain what the no actually means, that would be helpful.
Darrah de Jour: Wow, that’s incredible. You had guys talk to you about
this before?
Marni Kinrys: Yeah. A lot of guys.
Marni Kinrys: Because a lot of guys are like, “Well, I don’t understand
like why are women bitches? Why do they manipulate? Why do they test?
Why do they say no if they don’t really mean no? And why do they say yes if
they really mean no? It’s like they get very confused sometimes, which I
understand, it can be confusing.
Darrah de Jour: I know that this isn’t what people are going to want to
hear, men or women, but I really feel that as a woman, I’m 33, I can
honestly say that like the times that where I’m at now, it’s like I already
know ahead of time what I want to do. I know if is it the first date or if the
fifth date or if we’ve been dating one month or whatever, I pretty much
know what I want to do. I’ve explored sexually to a level that I’m very
comfortable. I just had a lot of my fantasies fulfilled and I’m not walking
around like a throbbing boner.
Marni Kinrys: Right, right.
Darrah de Jour: It isn’t 24/7 because I mean, I’m extremely sexual

person, but I can control myself and I know that guys don’t want to hear
that because men have a huge sex drive, but what I’m going to say is that if
she’s so fucking racked with confusion, debate and potential guilt, she’s not
going to be happy that she made that choice. If you are so self-doubting
that you can acquiesce to your sensual desires, then you don’t want to do it
and then you are getting all the power to the man and you are saying here,
“Here is the power and the lock and the key to my entire body, my self-
esteem, everything else that’s weak in my life where I’m going to cry in the
kitchen and eating bonbons because you didn’t fucking call me.” It’s so
stupid. It’s stupid for the guys. It’s stupid for the girl. Make the choice,
that you are either going to be affectionately liberated woman and you are
going to explore your sexuality with somebody that isn’t going to fuck you
over, or you are not. So the bottom line, I mean, if she’s hemming and
hawing, yes I agree. I agree with guys about this. If she’s flirting with you
and you are feeling aroused and you are kind of going down and she’s like,
“No. No, stop,” but she’s still kissing you and she’s still allowing you to
touch her, then she’s moving your hand up and then you are moving your
hand down. I mean, it’s time you wanted to wait and she’s kind of wants to
do it, but she isn’t sure. It’s fun if you know each other and you know that
it’s fun if that’s actually foreplay. Like that kind of role play thing is your…
Marni Kinrys: Right. Let’s prove for this call.

Darrah de Jour: Okay, great. If not, she chose you, right?
Marni Kinrys: Yeah. Well, let’s say it isn’t, that it’s not foreplay where
that can get very confusing. How can a man put a woman at ease in that
moment where she is having that inner debate? Because I’ll tell another
story, and I think people have heard it before, when I was younger, when I
was 19 or 20, I went backpacking and I used to be a huge prude when I was
younger. I had a lot of male friends who would just speak horribly about
the girls that they would sleep with or fool around with or whatever. I
never wanted to be one of those girls, so I went the opposite direction. I
made guys jump through hurdles to be with me and sleep with me or
whatever. So I became like the biggest prude in the entire world, and when
I went backpacking, I kissed my way up Australia because I wasn’t doing
anything else other than kissing people because I was so afraid to let them
get any closer to me.
But there was this one guy that I saw at a bar who seemed like he wasn’t
even attractive. He wasn’t good looking, but there was something amazing
about him and he was a definite leader. He was in charge of his group, but
more importantly he was enjoying the moment of where he was. He was
having fun with his friends and providing a great time for the people
around him, which I found super attractive. At the end of the night, he
came up to me, he talked to me for like a little bit, for ten minutes, and we
found out we were staying at the same hostel. We walked back to our hostel
together. We started fooling around with each other. We went to my bed
and as soon as he wanted to go any further than like just over the clothes
and stuff and kissing, I tensed up right away and he felt that, and he looked
at me. He stopped and he looked to me, he said, “If there is anything that
I’m doing that you are not comfortable with, you just slap my head.” And
he literally took my hand and slapped his hand and he goes, “I’ll stop
instantly.” And that was my first one-night stand ever.
Darrah de Jour: That’s fantastic.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah. And so that little inner debate, it’s not a bad thing
that a woman is doing to you. She’s saying, “No, I shouldn’t do this. I
shouldn’t do this.” And it’s like you can feel her body tensing up and
loosening up, and I don’t want men to think that women are manipulators
by doing this because it’s not. It’s just discomfort on one end, and a way to
put a woman’s mind at ease is by letting her know that she has the option to
do whatever she wants. She’s in control of her sexuality and sensuality in
that moment, and for me, him saying that to me really put me at ease and
proved the first time, I would say, actually I enjoyed the sexual experience.
It was free and liberating and fun and really nice actually.
Darrah de Jour: I love that. I absolutely love that. I think that bottom
line, a woman is charge if she is in charge of her body and it’s her choice
how far she goes in what you do. I mean, men are at women’s mercy in
regards to that.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: I mean, given that they are good men, they are not
going to…
Marni Kinrys: Take advantage of it, yeah.
Darrah de Jour: Sure, on you, but if you can, I mean, the most sensual
you are and another thing is like, the more at ease you are going to put the
women. If you are kissing her stomach and you are kissing her and you
have been kissing her lips a lot and you are touching her and you are
tickling her and all of these things are beautiful. I’m not even going to go to
paces if you are grabbing and groping and being obnoxious like you don’t
deserve to be touching that woman. You need to slow it down and you need
to want to explore her body. I mean, honestly going down and getting your
way down to where you are eating her, it’s going to be the best possible way
to get to yourself or to get entry. It’s like if you can relax to the point that
you are doing well, that’s awesome.
Marni Kinrys: Oh my God, yeah, that’s a huge thing. God, yeah. That’s
magnificent, like to put a woman’s mind at ease. So this is the case, so this
is like the general conversation, sorry, not the general conversation, but the
general lesson from this call before we get specifically into each questions
because I wanted to go through the things that we said we would talk about,
is if you can be present, and I’m going to repeat it again, you can be present
and you can be comfortable and you can be the leader without being the
aggressive jerk, then you can pretty much get whatever you want from a
woman. That’s my interpretation because the guys that I have been with
sexually, I never felt like an object, I always felt like I had it with people
who I had great sexual experience as well. But with people who I didn’t
have great sexual experiences with, I did feel objectified and I did feel like a
small nothing and I did feel like I was being pressured into doing things
that I didn’t actually want to do, but I wasn’t confident enough to say I
don’t want to do these things. But yeah, the great sexual experiences that
I’ve had have all been with men who are extremely present and know how
to be sensual where it’s not about me being a hole, it’s about me being a
person and him being a person and us just enjoying each other together,
whether it’s for sex or for dating or for relationships. Whatever it is, we
enjoy each other and we have that communication. Even if it’s unspoken,
that communication has already happened.
Darrah de Jour: Yes, and I like the idea of what the guy did in regard to
your first one-night stand experience. I mean, he could have. I love the
word. It didn’t even feel like a one-night stand and that’s the goal. You
want it. You don’t want to come empty either. You want to see that both
parties are fulfilled and happy and smiling and feeling like they engaged.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.

Darrah de Jour: It just a natural thing that you can possibly do, and that
you rocked her fucking world, and so to say to a woman, “I want to explore
your body. Let me explore your body.” It’s so different than saying like,
“Let me get a condom.” It’s so fucking worlds apart, you know?
Marni Kinrys: Oh God, exactly. Like actually, I have that sometimes. In

the beginning when I was with my husband and we would be connected
during sex and then he would say it and he’d roll over, I would instantly
disconnect, “The what? Why? Why do you want to look at my face? What’s
wrong with my face? Like is he bothered by the fat from this angle? Like
honestly.” Because I was like doing it in my hands, so I was still insecure
and questioning my body and myself and our relationship in the beginning
and that made me feel very uncomfortable, and when I finally spoke up
about it and said that to him, he was like, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I was
in the moment and I was just thinking about great sexual experience that it
would be wonderful if you would roll up and we try different things.” But I
can definitely express myself more about why, why do I need to roll over,
and so then he started expanding on his dirty talk and he would say, “Oh
my God, roll over, I want to see this. I want to see that. I want to see your
sexy ass.” It’s like just saying things that helped put me more at ease and
keep me in the moment, that really helped me get more comfortable so that
it didn’t take me away from what we were doing.
Darrah de Jour: Absolutely. I think like nine times out of ten, guys have
no understanding. They are not coming from the place that women are
coming from which is like sometimes-utter insecurity.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: It’s like we’ve rolled down ten different reasons on why
we are not good enough and that’s why you want us to roll over, and the
guys are like, “I wanted to fuck you from behind and feel that, and also you
have a great ass.” Like it’s rare that I think at that. It’s like we think they
are looking at our cellulite. But no, they are not.
Marni Kinrys: Right. No, they are not at all, and I didn’t realize that
either.
Darrah de Jour: We don’t know, right?
Marni Kinrys: No, I didn’t realize that either. I just instantly felt
insecure because he wasn’t, and for me, I’m a little bit more vocal. So I
need to know what his thought process is.
Marni Kinrys: So not that he says, “Sit me down.” He says, “Well, I

would like you to roll over so that I can look at your nice ass while I…” I
didn’t want that obviously, but I want it a little bit more of an explanation,
and once I did get that explanation.
Darrah de Jour: You asked?
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, exactly. But for guys who are on the call, if the
women is not comfortable enough to ask, these are things to remember
when you are being sexual and when you are with a naked woman who may
have some insecurities.
Another quick question that I wanted to bring up is, does size matter?
Because this is one of the ones that we are on, on our list, does size matter?
Darrah de Jour: The size matter, but I didn’t find on our list. I want to
see these questions on there.
Marni Kinrys: Oh no, this is from what I sent out for questions that we
would be talking about.
Darrah de Jour: Oh. Oh, okay. It matters to some people.

Marni Kinrys: Okay.
Darrah de Jour: Sure. I’m not going to say it doesn’t matter. Sure, it
matters to some women. Some women call themselves size queen. They
identify themselves the size queen, and great, awesome. It’s not about
whether it’s good or bad or enough or not enough. It’s about compatibility.
I personally don’t like a really, really big dick. It doesn’t feel good inside
me.
Marni Kinrys: Oh God, it’s horrible.
Darrah de Jour: They do not slide…
Marni Kinrys: Sorry.
Darrah de Jour: It’s horrible.
Marni Kinrys: It is. It’s horrible.
Darrah de Jour: So I have very specific things that I like and don’t like,
and that’s one of them. Like I’ve had a Swedish ass dick and I don’t like the
way it looks, and men will sense the guy who have big ass dick. There are
so many women that love big, huge dick. I think it’s awesome that you can
be hung like that. Personally, my giant is not that. It’s not. It hurts.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, I know. I’m small too.
Darrah de Jour: It’s not that.
Marni Kinrys: So yeah, it hurts a lot.
Darrah de Jour: It just hurts and I want to be able to suck it right and I
can’t. But there are women that can take it all the way down their throat,
Belladonna’s protégés and they want that big dick and that’s the only thing
that makes them feel good. So it’s just about what it is. I have plenty of
girlfriends and I wouldn’t lie to you or your guys. I have plenty of
girlfriends that straight have told me they like small dicks. It feels better to
them. It keeps them in the right place. They are not that into dicks that are
bigger like for whatever reason, and I also think the size of men’s dick can
sometimes affect how they walk through their life and their personality. So
it’s not just about it.
Marni Kinrys: Absolutely.
Darrah de Jour: I mean, yeah. Just like the ones who is rock like, or
something else, or if she has great hair or great eyes or whatever it is, like
there are certain things about people that for whatever reason, their
confidence, it affects their confidence, it affects their swagger, any of those
things.
Marni Kinrys: I have this thing that I call tough guy syndrome, so it’s for
guys who were like hotter when they were younger and never had to
develop a personality and then they were screwed later on in life because
then when they get to hang out with women who are 25 and over who
suddenly personality is actually important to them and having some sort of
character is important. Being good looking and pretty is being good
looking and pretty. It’s your foot on the door, but it won’t get you any
further. It’s the same thing when guys with big penises, so when they are
younger, having a big penis is the thing to be talked about in high school or
something or your guy friends really pumped you up because you have a big
penis. But a lot of guys don’t actually learn how to use their penis properly
just because they have a big penis, and because girls are more
inexperienced when they are younger where sex is sometimes just in and
out, in and out, they don’t ever learn how to do other things or how to be a
better lover. So I think that sometimes it can actually hurt guys to simply
just have a big penis just because big penis doesn’t mean that you know
how to use it properly.
Darrah de Jour: That’s a great point. I always have experiences with

guys that have smaller dicks that were awesome at going down or they have
problems having erections and they were so much more devoted to my
pleasure.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: I think that that’s a huge one. So whatever your size is,
no pun intended about it being a huge one, whatever your size is, it’s about
connection and it’s about self-confidence and it’s about exploring the
woman’s body and making sure that’s she’s happy and you are happy. So I
think that finding that happy place, that cozy place where you are confident
in your body. And look, we are all fucking supermodels. It is what it is.
Darrah de Jour: But if you can love your body the most that you possibly
can and realize that you are a gift, to whomever you are going to share your
body with, then you are that much more at the game.
Marni Kinrys: Oh, I love that, yeah. Again, it comes down to confidence
and comfort, which I think is a great message. So let’s go through, there
were some questions that were sent in by guys before I go to that other list,
just to like try and keep, not keep it short obviously, but concise and give
the answers that they are looking for because I know we are women so we
tend to go on and on sometimes. But I think that a lot of guys just want like
straight answers, so let’s go to question #1, what is pressure anxiety, and
why does it happen?
Darrah de Jour: I love that question. Pressure anxiety, in my opinion, is
a couple of things. Guys are often in the fact that they really want to
provide a great experience for a woman for the most part. So I think there
is a nervousness about, “Am I going to be able to provide this awesome
experience to her. Number 2, there is a huge, huge weight on men and
society believes that they have to be these freaking studs in the bedroom.
They have to last a long time. They have to have a good-sized penis. They
have to know what they are doing. They have to take care of a woman’s
orgasm as well. They are like all these stuff that they supposedly have to do
in order to be like these supermen in the bedroom. So performance anxiety
is the accumulation of not only your own anxiety but like external anxiety.
It’s in fact you are just like take a deep breath and realize that a woman is
also responsible for her own orgasm and for communicating with you about
what feels right and doesn’t feel right, and women are also responsible for
knowing what the ins and outs of their body.
So again, getting away from that Madonna whore stuff about masturbation
being bad and toys being bad and all the rest of it, I think if you are open to
discovering what makes her orgasm before you are having the sex, or if it’s
a one-night stand like at least locating her clit, talking to her, putting her
hands on her clit if you need to like see how she does it when she
masturbates like all those things was to kind of like make sure that she’s
also a party to it because it’s not just about you coming, it’s also about her
being in on the experience with you.
It doesn’t mean that you or she may come every time. It doesn’t mean that
you will, and a lot of times women don’t and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean
that she didn’t have a great journey and a great experience with you, that
you didn’t provide something fucking awesome. But I guess the answer is
like it happens and it’s natural, but it’s also something that you can just go,
“Okay, I have a little bit of butterflies and I’m kind of nervous like I’m going
to go out on stage right now, and that’s okay, I’ll probably kick ass.”
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, absolutely. And one thing to add on to that because
the last part of the question is, how can it be overcome so it does not
happen? The thing is that it might happen. You have to be okay with the
fact that you may have some anxiety exactly as Darrah have just said, and
also as Darrah said, communication is key. You can make communication
super sexy, so whether it’s for a one-night stand or it’s for somebody you
have been dating or somebody you are in a relationship with, you have to
remember that you are in this alone and you can literally say to a woman,
“Show me what you like. Take my hand.” And like literally walk her
through it and say, “Take my hand. Show me how you want to be touched.”
You don’t know each other yet. You are not supposed to be a mind reader
who understands her body, and you can give her permission to tell her what
she likes and she will tell you those things, and if you’ve done a really good
job at creating and connection before you are in the bedroom, it will be
much easier for her to communicate with you or at least show you what she
wants, and I think that can help put it at ease. Remembering that you are
not in this alone. You don’t have to be the master in the bedroom. You can
both master the bedroom together.
Darrah de Jour: Agreed.
Marni Kinrys: Okay, good. All right, and then, I’m sorry I’m jumping
back and forth as some of the questions happen to go together. So
questions to ask to discover her erogenous zones.
Marni Kinrys: You are like yes, ask them. Okay, what are some
questions?
Darrah de Jour: Yes, maybe.
Marni Kinrys: What are some questions to ask to discover her erogenous
zones?
Darrah de Jour: I love the question. This just feels good. It’s a great
question. That is my favorite. Hold on. I just wanted to get myself off
speaker. I’m getting so excited. Personally, I like when someone goes
really slow and hugs and keeps. It’s like I need to be in a calm space in
order to orgasm, and I see that a lot of guys want a mirror or a vibrator.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: Either with their hands or their tongues and some
chicks like that, and that’s great. But I like it when somebody go slow and
start slow, and it’s like it just feels good. I think specifically exploring her
body with your hands and your lips going slow and having confidence and
being okay to take your time. One of the biggest things that makes women
not come is this pressure to come as fast as men do.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: It takes women on the average 15 to 20 minutes to

orgasm.
Marni Kinrys: Really?
Darrah de Jour: Yeah. And I know there is one of those problems with
touching about vaginal orgasms and penetrating.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: But in regard to like literal stimulation of the woman, it

can come from you going down. It takes about on average 15 to 20 minutes.
Marni Kinrys: Oh, that makes me feel better. Thank you.
Darrah de Jour: Yes. Take your time. Yeah, right?
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: And it’s not going to happen every time. It doesn’t
happen every time. Like so deal slowly with that too because I think some
guys think they stay old and then they are feeling shitty. It’s like obviously
you are going to want to try.
Darrah de Jour: It’s like, “Oh, you can’t? Okay, well, that’s normal.”
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: And they are just not pressured to come and not
pressured to be fast about it.
Marni Kinrys: Okay. I like that. Okay.

Darrah de Jour: But it’s exploring and then asking what you do.
Marni Kinrys: Exploring and asking, but not over asking. So there are
different things to like if you are having a one-night stand, I would say, in
the moment, in the bedroom, you can explore with just doing the actions
and then saying, “Does this feel good?” It’s some sort of teasing and they
get teased. If you touch her on a certain spot, you can kiss her on a certain
spot. You can do a whole bunch of things to different spots and see what
she likes better. So you know how women like, I guess, it’s gyrate, like for
me, when I like something, I show that I like it with my body. I’ll moan and
I’ll move my body. If I’m not into something, I’ll lie still. Those are my
subtle movements that I get to show when I like something.
Darrah de Jour: Yes, well, you are being like little… yes.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: And breath and moaning.
Marni Kinrys: Yes, yeah, that’s my sexy way of saying, “Yes, I like it.
Keep doing that and maybe keep continue doing that. Maybe explore other
areas.”
Marni Kinrys: But that’s the way that I signal that I like those things.
But if you are dating somebody, you can have conversations outside of the
bedroom as well and just say, “What are things?” All right, I’m trying to
think of a sexy way to bring it up. And just say, “You know what, last night
I really liked it when I did this to you, when I stroked the back of your neck
while we are having sex and I noticed that you moaned in a certain way.
Did you like that?” And she can tell you, “Yeah, absolutely. I love that.”
And then probably if she’s comfortable enough, she’s expand and tell you
other things that she liked. So if you can actually listen to what she’s saying
to you, repeat that you’ve heard what she said to you and then continue to
do it in the bedroom and then if you can expand on that idea so that it’s
taking what she likes and then still being adventurous, I would say that
would be a great way to discover her erogenous zones that she may not even
know of yet.
Darrah de Jour: Yes. I love when people ask what my favorite part of my
body to be touched is.
Marni Kinrys: Oh okay, I like that too actually.
Darrah de Jour: Or if someone says, “I really like the curve in your waist.
Do you like that to be touched?” And then they touch it. It’s like a good
segue way.
Marni Kinrys: I like that.
Marni Kinrys: I definitely do. So let’s get onto that other questions. So
this is the question, do you think that all women can have vaginal orgasms?
I mean, vaginal orgasms as an orgasm from penetration as opposed to
clitoral orgasms which require direct clitoral stimulation via rubbing, et
cetera.
Darrah de Jour: Okay.
Marni Kinrys: So yeah, do you think that all women have or can have
vaginal orgasms?
Darrah de Jour: Women can have both or either.
Marni Kinrys: Okay.
Darrah de Jour: So I can have both, but they feel different. I didn’t even
know that I was having like an orgasm from penetration because it was so
much different than clitoral stimulation orgasms that I only discovered it
through masturbation with a sex toy penetrating me.
Darrah de Jour: And realized that I was actually orgasming and that’s
what I was doing with the guys. I didn’t know it because I generally wet
and it would feel a little like numb and sort of like different, and the guy
would be like, “Are you coming?” I’m like, “I don’t think so.” But I didn’t
know that I have.
Darrah de Jour: It’s because it’s so different.
Marni Kinrys: It does feel so different.
Marni Kinrys: I actually hadn’t had an internal vaginal orgasm until this
year.
Darrah de Jour: Are you serious?

Marni Kinrys: Yeah. Well…
Darrah de Jour: And how did you know you have it?
Marni Kinrys: How did I know? Well, it felt very different. It felt really,
really different. I’ve also become much more open sexually in the past few
years. I’m like much more comfortable sexually, so I think like by me
exploring and experimenting, it’s definitely opened me up to be more
comfortable to the idea of having a vaginal orgasm. It’s like before I would
always focus on it and I wanted it to happen and then I never really, I guess,
knew if it was happening so it would kind of take away from it. But yeah,
yeah, it just seemed like a year and a half now, but yeah, only in the last
year and a half have I started it.
Darrah de Jour: Oh, cool.
Marni Kinrys: And they are not consistent. I don’t have them
consistently. I mainly have clitoral orgasms.
Darrah de Jour: Yeah. But if someone is like penetrating you and they
are stimulating your clit, like it’s hard to tell which one you are having, what
caused what.
Marni Kinrys: Yes.
Darrah de Jour: But it is really kind of awesome.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, but I know a lot of girls who haven’t had, I call them
internal, so vaginal or internal.
Darrah de Jour: Yeah, yeah.
Marni Kinrys: I know a lot of girls who haven’t. I actually even know
some girls who have never had an orgasm.
Darrah de Jour: I do too.
Marni Kinrys: And who are in their 30s.
Darrah de Jour: I know women who haven’t.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, who have had lots of partners as well.
Darrah de Jour: It’s just a sad thing to hear.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah, now I know.
Marni Kinrys: But I also really think it’s comfort levels and it’s about
somebody paying attention to them and being part of the sexual experience
with them. So some girls don’t have that experience. So to answer the
question, do you think that all women can have vaginal orgasms, you said
pretty much absolutely, right?
Darrah de Jour: Can all women have vaginal? Not every woman can,
but I have no idea whether every single woman can have an orgasm through
penetration.
Marni Kinrys: Okay.
Darrah de Jour: Some women can have both and some women can have
either. I have a friend that can only have it through penetration and cannot
have a clitoral orgasm.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah. I know people who are like that as well actually.
Yeah, so it’s very different. So as you can see from our responses, it’s very,
very different. So I think…
Darrah de Jour: But I would say involve yourself with her clit as soon as
possible to get to know it, and women masturbate and just know your body
because if you know your body and you know what you like and you are
pleasure is a priority for you as a woman, you are not going to choose the
shitty guy that is fucking you that doesn’t know your body and only cared
about his own pleasure.
Darrah de Jour: You know in your body, it’s about you valuing yourself
as something that’s important and sacred and making the choice and the
partner that also values you as important and sacred.
Marni Kinrys: Great. I love what you just said. So let’s go to the next
question, “I just have my prostate out and will not have an erection for
some time, maybe never, how much will that matter to a great woman?”
Darrah de Jour: How much will that matter to a great woman? The way
that question is framed is really interesting to me. It sounds like you want a
great woman that isn’t going to mind and so you are defining her greatness
by not minding.

Darrah de Jour: And if that is all, then you are going to find a woman
that that doesn’t matter to and she will be your great lovely lady.
Darrah de Jour: Does it matter to some women? Yes.
Marni Kinrys: Absolutely.
Darrah de Jour: Can you see women out there that are going to mind?
Yes. I have accepted a couple of guys that have the same situation. They
did come. They did orgasm. We did other things, and it was fun and it was
different and I understood and I was nurturing and it was sexy, and that’s
fine. Like there are people who at all times have different situations in their
lives, both physical as well as emotional, and I think the more patient and
understanding you can be with each other and finding, again, compatible
partners.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: If you find a woman that penetration and a rock hard
dick is really, really important to and you are trying to like win her over and
validate yourself, then know you are not going to have great experiences
and she’s not going to be your great lady. It’s not because she isn’t great,
but it’s because what she’s looking for is incompatible with what you are
needing, so I think…
Marni Kinrys: So…
Darrah de Jour: Don’t trap yourself.
Darrah de Jour: It’s like just find what you are looking for.
Marni Kinrys: Good, very good answer. Very good answer. So let’s ask
more specifically, like let’s say you are not trying to find a great woman, you
are just trying to have sex, and does it matter? Like what do you do if you
just have your prostate out and you have difficulty having an erection?
Because I know that for a woman who doesn’t really know you that well yet,
who is not connected to you and can’t say, “Oh well, he was hard eight other
times, so maybe today he’s just off.” There can be excuses or justifications
that are made in your head because you know the person well. So if you
don’t know the person that well and you are having sex and he’s not getting
hard, what can that do to a woman? Because I know that for some women,
if things aren’t communicated beforehand or during sex, I know that I
would get insecure. If I was with a guy and he wasn’t getting hard and he
didn’t tell me before that he had his prostate out or that he may have
difficulty having an erection but he is still having a great time, that would
mean that I wasn’t attractive. I wasn’t sexy. I wasn’t turning him on, and I
would assume that, yes, a lot of women would have the same thing and we
can all love her and cherish our bodies, but if we are being real, a lot of
people are not as developed. So in that moment, they may feel insecure on
the woman’s side and the man maybe embarrassed. So what’s a way that a
man can communicate to a woman that he doesn’t know so well that he
may have issues in the bedroom?
Darrah de Jour: I think it’s really important to be honest about your

situation.
Marni Kinrys: Okay.
Darrah de Jour: So if you can’t get an erection, i.e., you cannot penetrate
a woman, right?
Darrah de Jour: Then I would… for more hilarious question, if you are
looking for a dating relationship, you don’t have to drop that on the table,
in my opinion, on the first date.
Marni Kinrys: I agree.

Darrah de Jour: I would say that you can talk about this as things
progress and that it’s up to you if you want to tell her on the third date, the
fourth date, the fifth date, but I would not wait until you are naked in bed
with somebody to let them know something. I mean, in general, I wouldn’t
be naked in bed with someone and then tell them I don’t want to have sex.
Do you know what I mean, Marni?
Darrah de Jour: I think it’s important. When I was told when we were
hooking up and I was going to give the person a hand job. So he let me
know like, “This feels awesome, but I actually have my prostate out, so I’m
not going to get an erection but I can come.” So I was like, “Okay.” So it’s
like communicating with me clearly that like, and I’m not super insecure
about it if someone has a problem, like I had somebody that who was on
medication, with antidepressants, and he needed for that. Like he can get
hard for like five seconds or something or like a few minutes really it
probably was and then it would go down.
Darrah de Jour: So he would like fuck for a few minutes when he could
get hard. So it was fine. I’m down with him and I’m weeping, but he has
communicated it with somebody because some people aren’t when they
also like it. And then if guys are lying, “Oh my God, this never happens and
like…” I’m like, “Don’t make people feel like shit, women or men.”
Darrah de Jour: So I would say be honest about it. I have no idea if

there is anything exactly that can be done in regards to it because there are
like pumps and things. I would talk to your doctor and see if there is
anything that can be done if intercourse is very important to you. If that’s
not an option then I would say be really invested in exploring a woman’s
body and having your body explored because you are not any less of a man
or any less important. Your desires are not any less valid than they were
before.
Darrah de Jour: So finding someone that’s sensitive and nurturing and

invested in you I would say would be awesome, and if you are just looking
for kind of a quickie or one-night experience, it will be different than what
you are used to but it’s not to say it can’t happen.
Marni Kinrys: But you actually really pointed on something really

interesting because you said that when a man didn’t communicate these
things to you and what I’m hearing is that he just said to you straight out,
he’s like, “You know what, this is me and this is what’s going on here. You
know, I’m having a really good time. I’m enjoying this, but I’m not going to
get hard.” Like you were okay with that, and you were like, “All right, let’s
enjoy ourselves then. I’m on board with this as well. Let’s do other things.”
So ultimately, what I’m hearing you say is that it’s okay like if you are
comfortable with a woman and you communicate like none of that
insecurity can pop up. Because I feel like insecurity and embarrassment
and all that stuff pops up when things are being said, or when things are
being said and they are out in the open and there isn’t like all this pressure
on them, then you can be free to be comforting and care giving as a woman
and to not be dragged down emotionally by somebody’s insecurities and
you can still have a really freaking good time.
Darrah de Jour: I absolutely agree. Yeah, for sure. I mean, it’s to say
that nobody is ever going to come across somebody that’s good to them.
It’s not to say that you are going to tell somebody that and their response is
going to be, you know. It’s always going to be fantastic. It’s like be less
than savory, and that’s going to happen. That doesn’t mean that you
shouldn’t be honest. It’s very much about honesty and the truth will set you
free in being who you are. It doesn’t mean you have to tell everybody. It
doesn’t mean you have to go on Facebook about it, about anything.
Darrah de Jour: I’m not talking about just your situation.

Marni Kinrys: I’m flaccid.
Darrah de Jour: Yes.
Marni Kinrys: It’s like I can’t do it.
Darrah de Jour: Right. I think the more we can be honest about who we
are and what we want and what we’ve been through and taking shame out
of it, we are opening doors for other people to free themselves too.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, you just say it pointblank.
Darrah de Jour: You know?
Marni Kinrys: Exactly, and I completely agree because no matter what,

everybody has insecurities in the bedroom. There is always something, but
if you are free and you can express and you are okay with it, then it makes
them more comfortable. I want to get through these other questions.
Darrah de Jour: Sure.

Marni Kinrys: We are going a little bit a long now. So I’m sorry if I feel
like I’m racing you, but one of the questions is, what to do after you’ve
finished? For men, guidance for men.
Darrah de Jour: For men.
Marni Kinrys: Yes.
Darrah de Jour: Oh, yeah.
Marni Kinrys: Run out of there as fast as you can.
Darrah de Jour: I personally like it when…
Marni Kinrys: No, it’s just shit.
Darrah de Jour: What did you say?
Marni Kinrys: I said run out of there as fast as you can. That will…
Darrah de Jour: I’m all right. Don’t let the doors to slam on your ass on
the way out.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, exactly.
Darrah de Jour: I personally, I mean, how detailed do you want I’m

going to be?
Marni Kinrys: As detailed as possible.
Darrah de Jour: Okay, because there are different scenarios of different

things that people want to do. When I’m being extremely graphic, when I
wrote that, I meant like after you come into that condom, what are you
going to do?
Marni Kinrys: Oh.
Darrah de Jour: Because that’s exactly what I’m got…
Marni Kinrys: I thought you meant like… okay. Well, like I thought you
meant like do you comfort the woman. Do you cuddle? Do you have to
cuddle? Can you just like get up and leave? Can you wipe yourself off?
Darrah de Jour: Yeah, all of that, like all of that.

Marni Kinrys: Okay, done. Yes, explain a little bit.
Darrah de Jour: Yeah, I just wanted to make sure you knew what I’m
saying here.
Marni Kinrys: Okay, bring it on.
Darrah de Jour: Well, okay, obviously, like I don’t want to take like… I
think we should have kind of actually getting there. I don’t want to take off
your condom yet.
Marni Kinrys: I know. I can hear it is weird.
Darrah de Jour: So I’ve had guys literally put their dick out like, “Here,
it’s like I’m supposed to take the condom off. It’s like I don’t want to take
the condom off and I don’t want to drop your cum all over my bed. So take
the condom off yourself. Like go in the bathroom and take it off.”
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, absolutely.
Darrah de Jour: And I definitely not put up with that. Like I don’t want
to say to flush from the toilet because [inaudible 01:12:22]. And then yes,
come back and you kiss him and cuddle and like even if it’s a one-night
stand like don’t jump or don’t put your pants on. Wait for it to fade away.
Darrah de Jour: I know it depends on the woman if the woman got

energy like sometimes I get energy after sex and I want to get up and do
stuff. But for the most part like I would definitely have some physical
attention and affection and cuddle and it doesn’t have to be crazy like
intimacy that you would have with somebody that you love, you are both
familiar with for whatever, but yeah, to that degree. So that’s what I meant.
Like with some people, they really don’t know what to do or like should I
leave right away.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: I would think your guy at least put forth the action and
effort that you will cuddle for a few minutes and then giving her that option,
like be a gentleman about it. You were just inside of her for a few minutes.
Marni Kinrys: Exactly, stay for a few minutes and enjoy. I completely
agree with you.

Marni Kinrys: How to talk about safe sex?
Darrah de Jour: Yeah. I’m a big proponent of safe sex. It’s hugely
important and I advocated myself a lot in regards to STDs and as I
mentioned that I am bisexual, so I can honestly say this in my experience,
there has been more conversation about safe sex in lesbian relationships
than I have had in straight relationships, or relationships that I’ve had
when I’m been with men.
Darrah de Jour: Men, for whatever reason, and I get it, it feels awesome
and you want to do go back and everything else, but like there is real stuff
out there that you do not want to deal with. There is just nothing. If you
plan on fucking one person or 20 people like it’s not just the number of
games, like it’s not just about if you have sex with a lot of people, then yes,
of course, then you are odds are greater. But all you need is that one person
who has one thing and then you have something.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, absolutely.
Darrah de Jour: You should have separate conversation that we can

have next about. If you do have an STD and what to do, because your life is
not over and there are conversations. There are different conversations,
but in regards to safe sex, whether you have something in fact or don’t have
something like use a condom and if she’s on birth control, that’s fantastic,
but until she’s had all of her tests and you’ve had all of your tests and you
are in a monogamous relationship, you need to use a condom, period, end
of story.
Marni Kinrys: Oh, absolutely, absolutely. Actually, let’s answer this

question on the flipside. So let’s say you do have something. Let’s say,
someone just wrote onto me recently because HPV is really big right now.
So let’s say somebody does have something, when do you bring that up?
How do you bring that up? And then you can talk about safe sex obviously,
but how do you bring that up to a person like for guys, like how do they
bring up “I have genital warts or I have HPV or I have gonorrhea, or
something” in the very beginning part before they sleep with each other so
that it doesn’t scare women off?
Darrah de Jour: Yeah, HPV has always been a huge issue. It’s just now
that it’s getting a nationwide attention and the vaccines come out for boys
and girls that HPV has always been a huge problem, and in fact, 60% of
women have had or will have HPV at some point in their body, at some
point in their life. There are many different strains. There are over a dozen
strains of HPV and a lot of them will work their way through you body and
there are ones that won’t, and so the one, obviously, it can cause cervical
cancer and it can cause genital warts, and there are different ones that are
going to cause you cervical cancer, but it’s not the strain that causes genital
warts.
Darrah de Jour: Anyway, that being said, I’m just reading in Jezebel, it’s
an online feminist magazine. It’s talking specifically about that. If you have
HPV, do you talk to your partner about it, and the reason that there is a
debate is because it’s so prevalent and because so many people have it
and/or have had of it at some point in their life. It’s almost the thing that
there was even a question of, “Do I say it because,” and so many people will
come across it and it’s a huge issue in college campuses. There is a certain
age that it’s higher that you are going to come across it.
Darrah de Jour: It’s 16 to 24 or whatever, but there are people, they are
going to have it or have had it. It can be latent and it can start up later on.
The point is when you get down your testing, you need to find out what you
have, and it’s such a personal choice if you want to tell somebody, “I have
herpes or I have HPV.” I would say yes. I personally would want to be
informed that somebody had something so that we could take the proper
precautions so that we could have a sexual relationship that everyone feels
comfortable and safe and you also want to give someone the option to opt
out. You have to. It’s a moral.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, of course.
Darrah de Jour: I do think that there is a moral obligation that if you

have something, that you can transmit to somebody else, so you need to tell
them about it and certainly if you have HIV or you have Hep C, then you
have that responsibility and obligation.
Marni Kinrys: Oh my God, yes.
Darrah de Jour: You asked about gonorrhea. If you have gonorrhea or

Chlamydia or syphilis, syphilis is less common, but if you have any kind of
infection, you should not be having sex until you have that treated. So if
you know that you have something, don’t have sex until you have finished a
round of antibiotics and you are done.
Darrah de Jour: Even with the common, you don’t want to do anything
oral, or you are not even supposed to have penetration if you have one of
those infections.
Marni Kinrys: And then how soon? How soon do you bring this up to
somebody because it would be no brainer on a first date, but how soon do
you tell to ensure not the best response, but like if I find dating a guy, and
obviously it depends how invested I am, but if I’m on my second date and
he says, “Listen, I have to tell you that I have HPV or I have genital warts or
something,” I think like for certain guys, if I wasn’t really connected to
them at that point, that would be my “get out now” trigger, but if I was
really invested with them and I was like, “No, I really like this guy. He’s
really great. I haven’t met a great guy like this in a long time,” and I felt
some sort of connection, I think that I would be able, if it was presented to
me in the right way where it was matter of fact, it’s, “Here are the details,
I’m just being honest with you,” rather than, “I have to tell you something.
It’s really horrible, blah, blah, blah,” I think I would be okay with it and I
would work with that situation and try and find solutions so we could have
sex.
Darrah de Jour: Yeah, I mean, obviously, I’m not a doctor.
Darrah de Jour: So if people have these questions or they have some sort
of infection or they have symptoms of anything, they definitely talk to the
doctor. In regards to like dating-wise and telling people, I’m fairly open
about the fact that I am safe sex, like I believe in it. I think it’s really, really
important and I also, of course, my partners are being tested before I have
sex with them and before I enter a relationship with them. I don’t want to
say foresight, it gives them the opportunity as well as I do.
Marni Kinrys: Do it.
Darrah de Jour: And that’s really, really important to me, so I think the
thing too is about women and men taking responsibility over their own
body so that you don’t become a victim as much as you possibly can without
becoming a victim. So that being said, if you have something, I mean, I see
some questions that have come in, “When do you tell someone you have
safe sex?” I don’t know, whenever you want to tell them. Whenever it’s
appropriate, you can let them know that you have safe sex. I mean, I’ve
literally told I have safe sex. I know it’s going to be a turn off to them, so I
was glad that I told them because then I knew they are having unprotected
sex with other partners.
Marni Kinrys: Absolutely. Right.
Darrah de Jour: They are not being safe, and it was like you are
confounding.
Marni Kinrys: Exactly.
Darrah de Jour: There is my point right there. So if you have something,

I wouldn’t say it on the first date. I wouldn’t necessarily say it on the
second date. I think if you are vibing with somebody and you are getting to
the place where you are going to be sexually active with them, that’s when I
would tell them.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, I agree with you. I completely agree with that. Yes,
I wholeheartedly agree with that comment. I always had to think about it
for a second. Yes, absolutely.
Darrah de Jour: Yeah, and I think like we need to take the same stigma
out of that as well. I mean, I’m a big on like removing the same. A lot of
people have STDs. A lot of people are having sex and if you think it has
existed for a really long time, so it’s not like you are this awful person and
you are never going to get laid and you are never going to be in a
relationship and nobody is going to love you.
Darrah de Jour: But there are all these different love adventure that one
would go through if they found out that they have something, but there are
a lot of people that want to be loved and want to give love and there are so
many options with dental dams, condoms and all the rest of it.
Marni Kinrys: Oh yeah.

Darrah de Jour: So there is happy and loving sex out there for
everybody.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, you are not screwed. Don’t worry if you do have
anything, you are fine. You will get screwed actually. So last question, and
then I’m going to wrap up this call is, how to last longer in bed? I actually
have a video about this about kegel exercises.
Darrah de Jour: You do?
Marni Kinrys: I do. It’s about kegel exercises, but yeah, so what do you
think about how to last longer in bed?
Darrah de Jour: Do you know about kegel exercises dealing for men?
Marni Kinrys: Yeah. On AskMen.com, I have all these videos out like the
sex videos, they ask me and they said, “Oh, sex therapists are too technical,
do you want to talk about these things?” I was like, “Yes, absolutely.” And
so I did one video on how to last longer and did kegel exercises because I
myself didn’t know that men could do them the same, but I didn’t research
obviously before because I do them for myself. But yeah, they were talking
about that you should be starting off with about 25 heel exercises every
single day. You want to hold your P-muscles is what I call it because that’s
the easiest way that I can remember to do it and you want to squeeze and
hold for about five to ten seconds and then over time you want to increase
and go from 25 up to 30 up to 40 up to 50 and then increase the time that
you hold it for, just to strengthen your kegel muscles and that really helps
you last longer with women as you can control yourself and you have your –
I forgot what the muscles are called – the perimuscular something muscle
that makes you last longer. You are not as sensitive. It makes you last
longer in bed, and also another technique for, and this is what I know of
with lasting longer in bed, is just stopping and starting. So you don’t have
to and you can calm down and slow down. So if you feel yourself like you
are about to come, you stop, you slow down. You pleasure a woman for a
couple of minutes, then you go back to you, then if you feel it coming on
strong again, you need to slow down again. Those are my ways of advising
on how to last longer. But I would love to hear what you have to say.
Darrah de Jour: First of all, I’m so like happy and educated in this
moment because I do these exercises too, and I didn’t know that men could
do them.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: So I’m going to go in at AskMen.com and check out

your video, number one, I’m so excited. I love you videos. I watch them.
Marni Kinrys: Oh.

Darrah de Jour: And yeah, no problems to you like they are really good
and your articles on your website.
Marni Kinrys: Oh, I love it. Good. Okay, good. We are both fans.
Darrah de Jour: Yes.
Marni Kinrys: We are fans of each other. I love it.
Darrah de Jour: The mutual admiration society, right?
Marni Kinrys: Exactly, I know, I know.
Darrah de Jour: For sure, I like the stop and start method. I like that. I
like some guys come in just like it. I don’t like the wrestling jackhammer
thing anyway.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: I mean, some people want to be busting and that’s

awesome. But I do like the start and stop thing. I like some guys who kind
of massage you like if they are kind of behind and they kind of stop and like
massage you or just start like working your clit and that kind of thing. It’s
like if their dick is inside you, but they are not moving that, that’s also really
sexy to me.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, I agree.
Darrah de Jour: I’m getting really turned on right on. I need to like get
back into my brain. It tends getting into your body is bringing the rain. I’m
all wet.
Marni Kinrys: Exactly, exactly. Separate the two. You are so funny.
Darrah de Jour: Then you can make your call after this.
Marni Kinrys: You are so funny.
Darrah de Jour: Anyway, so yes, I think lasting longer, I think also if you
can jerk off before you have sex like an hour before you have sex, that’s
probably a good thing too.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah. If you know that you have a history of not lasting as
long, then yes, definitely. I always say don’t go fully loaded into a date.
Darrah de Jour: No.

Marni Kinrys: No. Because it’s just you are usually overeager and you
are excited and yeah, it’s just easier if you masturbate before you go in your
date. But if that’s only if you have, if you have.
Darrah de Jour: If you are telling with women.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, that’s only if you have concerns about not lasting
that long. That’s my…
Darrah de Jour: Keep those moving and also you can go down. You can
stop and go down on a woman as well and just kind of stroke yourself to
keep yourself hard.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: You can kiss and I mean, there are lots of different
ways. I would say just take it full and go with your natural body, your
instinct, the instincts of your body. Like I love the thing about not going
fully loaded. I completely support that. I think that’s really important both
in your behavior.

Darrah de Jour: Because if you are really crazy horny, like you are like a
caged animal, you definitely…
Marni Kinrys: Right, exactly. Like you are letting me out.
Marni Kinrys: Exactly, you are going to explode all over. It’s going to be
horrible.
Darrah de Jour: Yeah, absolutely. If you want to use…
Marni Kinrys: Well, just if you do it too good.
Darrah de Jour: I love that.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: And also like I think if you need to use Viagra or Cialis
then use it, like I don’t think there should be any issue like having a
problem with that.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: Don’t use too much. I’ve been with guys that like I
can’t… oh, I don’t know if you’ve ever slept with a guy that took like too
much, but it’s so artificial and…
Marni Kinrys: No, I’ve actually never been with a guy who has taken any.
Darrah de Jour: Oh, really?
Marni Kinrys: Yeah.
Darrah de Jour: Okay. I like to go for a while so I don’t mind like if

somebody does, but if somebody took too much like they are just weird,
artificial thing where like they are kind of not connecting with me and they
are like not in their body as much. I don’t know, but I’m really sensitive.
It’s like I can feel a lack of intimacy. If you want to just take like a fourth or
a half or something like that, that’s cool, I think.
Marni Kinrys: Okay.

Darrah de Jour: Because then you can last a little longer and you are so
connected.
Marni Kinrys: Yeah, and not like eight hours because I know that for me,
like 45 minutes. It must be like an amazing time that we are having.
Darrah de Jour: Right.
Marni Kinrys: It’s like 45, I guess I’m married because it’s like no
stopping me. But like I don’t typically like to go that long because I will get
dry sometimes and it can hurt me after a while and then I get into my head
when it starts to hurt me a little bit. So yeah, I wouldn’t want to go for like
four hours, but I’ve never explored tantric or any of that stuff.
Marni Kinrys: So maybe I don’t know. I actually don’t know. I don’t

know my answer on that one about how I feel about that. I have to think
about that for a second. But yes, I think we answered how men last longer
in bed very well and I’m going to wrap up this call right now because we are
just getting into about an hour and a half. But I wanted to thank you
honestly for being so open and honest and helpful and you are a fantastic
sensuality expert, and if guys want to find out more about you and get in
touch with you, do you want to let them know where to go and where to get
the information on you?
Darrah de Jour: Sure. I want to say one more thing.
Marni Kinrys: One more thing. Okay.
Darrah de Jour: If somebody is like just kind of fast like I don’t mind as
much as you hang out for like a half an hour and then gets hard again and
we go for like round 2.
Marni Kinrys: Oh God, I love it.
Darrah de Jour: Yeah, like that’s super fun. So don’t worry if you are
like a little bit too soon and like just hang out with her for a little bit and
then she’ll probably get up for a round 2.
Marni Kinrys: Oh yeah, definitely. That’s like, “I’m ready to go again

typically, so like give me a ten minute break time. I’m usually ready to go
again.” And I don’t mind stopping and starting. It’s like it’s still a whole
experience if you want to stretch it out for longer, then that’s absolutely
amazing. So I agree with you.
Darrah de Jour: I know. I totally agree. I mean, [inaudible 01:28:57],
it’s like whatever you want to do because it’s like I’d like to use a [inaudible]
like the marathon thing. It’s fun sometimes, but other times you just get
sore and metallic, “All right, I’m ready, go.”
Marni Kinrys: Yeah. But if you like to fool around a little bit, do a couple
of things and then you are like exactly get your Chinese food, hang out on
the couch and all that jazz and then start again, like that is so much fun.
Because yeah, you can have it last the entire night but have breaks in
between where you are literally putting your clothes back on or putting your
underwear back on, going back, sitting on the couch, watching TV, playing
around with each other. Oh, I love that. That’s my ideal.
Marni Kinrys: That actually is my ideal night.
Darrah de Jour: Yes, absolutely. You can catch up on your Dexter,

whatever you need to do.
Marni Kinrys: Exactly, and then go and have sex. It’s wonderful.
Perfect. All right, well, thank you.
Darrah de Jour: Okay, so my website, I’ll give you my website and you
guys can absolutely can check out what I do. I have some modeling on
there. I’m going to be doing a big burlesque performance on New Year’s
Eve with The Toledo’s Show.
Marni Kinrys: Oh, wow!
Darrah de Jour: So with lots of sexy fest coming out with my name, it’s
DarrahDeJour.com and I’m on Facebook too, so the link is on the website.
You can add me and just let me know that you met me through Marni and
you heard our combo and it’s all there. So thank you so much. Thank you
guys for listening.
Marni Kinrys: Well, wonderful. Well, thank you so much.
End of Audio

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09 - Lets Talk Sex Darrah de Jour Transcript

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Let’s Talk About Sex

Marni Kinrys: Darrah, hello.

Darrah de Jour: Hi.

Marni Kinrys: Hi, how are you?

Darrah de Jour: Sure. Well, I consider multi-sex and sensuality.

Marni Kinrys: I’m sorry. Okay.

Marni Kinrys: I love that.

Darrah de Jour: Sure. I mean, in my opinion, okay, for example, if you

Marni Kinrys: Okay.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah, absolutely. So can men be sensual with women

Darrah de Jour: Definitely.

Marni Kinrys: Okay.

Darrah de Jour: Absolutely.

Marni Kinrys: And is that misleading to women, or is it? I guess because

Marni Kinrys: Right.

Darrah de Jour: Assuming that everyone is an adult and it’s mutual

Marni Kinrys: Okay.

Marni Kinrys: Exactly. That thing could mean okay as well.

Darrah de Jour: If you want customized relationship or you want a

Marni Kinrys: Okay.

Darrah de Jour: Does that make sense?

Marni Kinrys: Yeah.

Darrah de Jour: Yeah.

Darrah de Jour: Sure. I mean, it’s a complicated like multi-layered

Marni Kinrys: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: Right.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: Okay.

Marni Kinrys: Right, right.

Marni Kinrys: Right.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah, of course.

Darrah de Jour: They want to explore it for masturbation. They want to

Marni Kinrys: I like that.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah.

Darrah de Jour: Whatever it is, fucking in airplane, going to Amsterdam

Darrah de Jour: You are hot.

Marni Kinrys: Exactly.

Marni Kinrys: Right.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah.

Darrah de Jour: Great question. I like conversations. As I kind of

Marni Kinrys: Right.

Marni Kinrys: Right.

Darrah de Jour: It’s like…

Darrah de Jour: Right.

Marni Kinrys: So it’s not just money and looks.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah, definitely.

Marni Kinrys: On your lower back.

Darrah de Jour: On my lower back in like kind of guy’s hand, that’s

Darrah de Jour: I guess it depends.

Marni Kinrys: Right, that’s true.

Darrah de Jour: It depends on where you are.

Darrah de Jour: Wow!

Marni Kinrys: Right.

Darrah de Jour: I always say like three to five seconds.

Marni Kinrys: Okay. I would probably agree.

Darrah de Jour: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah.

Darrah de Jour: I think that’s great.

Marni Kinrys: I know.

Marni Kinrys: Right.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah. Now, I know phermones.