My Zombie Ex Sketch #1 By Hanna James

heyhannajames@gmail.com www.heyhannajames.com

INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING We open on a couple having their first date in a posh, fancy restaurant. They both smile nervously and fiddle with their napkins. Their names are ADAM and VANESSA. Adam reaches for the last piece of bread in the bread basket. Simultaneously, Vanessa does the same. VANESSA Oh! Sorry... Adam withdraws his hand. ADAM No, ladies first. Vanessa takes the piece of bread. While she eats, Adam scans the room behind her, going so far as to sit forward in his seat to try to look around her head. VANESSA What? She turns around in her seat. ADAM Oh, nothing! Just thinking about how lovely you are today. While Vanessa blushes, Adam cranes his head around her to see the crowd behind. In the mill of people waiting for tables, a single pale, ashen figure sticks out: his zombie ex-girlfriend, ANNA. Her skin is the pale shade of a dead worm, and her hair hangs down in what can only be described as clumps. She looks directly at Adams table with obsession in her eyes. The next instant, another BODY in the crowd steps back and blocks her shudder-inducing gaze. ADAM (CONTD) I mean youre so... tan. And glowing. And warm-blooded. VANESSA Warm-blooded? ADAM Blushing! Youre blushing. A GASP sounds out behind them in the crowd. Vanessa starts to turn, but Adam reaches out and GRABS her hand to get her attention. (CONTINUED)

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2.

ADAM (CONTD) Look at you. All... all... Adam grasps for words. A man in the crowd stumbles and curses. ADAM (CONTD) Pretty... and... Anna breaks her way through the humans and heads towards the table, teeth back in a snarl, breathing heavily, dragging one leg: the pitch-perfect picture of terror. Vanessa turns around. VANESSA What the hell!? ADAM Lets get out of here, I think I see my ex! Adam stands up in a hurry, but its too late: the crowd has moved away from Anna and cleared her path towards Adam and his date. Her eyes twitch. Thick yellow drool slides down her chin. She drags her leg behind her, as she pursues Adam... ...pursues Adam... ...pursues...at a pace only slightly faster than glacial. A WAITER shows up to try to diffuse the situation. He pulls off his apron and uses it much like a bull fighter would, blocking Annas path towards the table. WAITER Shoo! Shoo! Go away! ANNA muuUUUurrrGGgaaahhhh. VANESSA We specifically reserved a seat in the non-zombie section! WAITER Uh... sorry miss, Ill take care of it... (CONTINUED)

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3.

(to Anna) Shoo, I say! Anna stares at Adam. WAITER (CONTD) She seems to be quite determined... VANESSA (to Adam) What awful service! Surely we can at least get our meal comped or something... honestly, seating a zombie in the human part of the restaurant, how absurd. Adam looks at his date seriously for the first time all evening. ADAM Wait a minute... you believe in human/zombie segregation? Vanessa looks back at him incredulously. VANESSA Of course! You dont? There is an awkward silence between the two. The waiter throws the apron over Annas head in an attempt to pacify her completely. ANNA Muuuuh-UUUUURGH! Vanessa stares at the commotion, realization dawning on her. VANESSA Oh... The waiter simultaneously comes to the same conclusion. WAITER Wait... oh! Ooohhhh. (judging Adam) No wonder shes so determined. You sicko. ADAM She wasnt always like that! (to Anna) Seriously, she wasnt! (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: Anna has calmed down considerably. ANNA Muuuuurgh... VANESSA Mmm-hmmm.

4.

Vanessa throws her napkin on the table and gets up, a look of superiority on her face. VANESSA (CONTD) Im glad your... girlfriend showed up sooner rather than later. Goodbye, Adam. Its been... enlightening. As Vanessa turns around, huffing, to exit the restaurant, an older couple awkwardly applauds her performance. ADAM Wait! Vanessa... She flips the bird at him, obviously not interested in coming back. Adam sits back down at the table. At that moment, another, NOVICE WAITER arrives with their trays of food and sets them down at the table. NOVICE WAITER Steak, medium rare? Adam picks up his hand. The novice waiter puts the still-bleeding dish in front of him. NOVICE WAITER And the fish? Adam points to the empty seat. The novice waiter sets the dish down in front of it and leaves. The first waiter looks at the dejected Adam imperiously. WAITER Well, at least you dont have to eat alone. The waiter takes the apron off Annas head and pushes her gently to sit down in the chair opposite Adam, then leaves. Adam stares at his ex for a long moment, desperation and loneliness in his eyes. (CONTINUED)

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5.

ADAM So... of all the gin joints in all the... aw, fuck it. Your brain is made of oatmeal, you wouldnt understand. Anna picks up the filet of fish with her hands and sniffs it. Hissing, she drops it almost immediately. ADAM (CONTD) You always did prefer salmon over tilapia. Adam stares down at his dish, zoning out. Around them, the restaurant has gone back to completely normal, apparently over the rogue zombie behavior. Annas chair SCRAPES back. ADAM (CONTD) Of course, now youd probably prefer my brains, if it werent for that little serum injection stopping you. "Cure" is such a loosely-defined word. Footsteps slowly drag across the carpet: ka-THUNK, ka-THUNK. ADAM (CONTD) I thought, "no, shell be one of the ones who takes to it completely. My Anna will become completely normal again." A clump of long hair swings forward and brushes against the side of Adams head. Anna hovers next to him, crouched close to his plate. She stares at the rare steak intensely. ANNA Huuurrrr-nuuuuuurgh. Adam motions "go ahead." Anna, not needing further prompting, smashes her face forward into the plate and begins gnawing on the rare steak. ADAM Completely normal. BLACK.