HOW TO BUILD A BEAUTIFUL HOME 04 HOW TO HAVE A GOOD FIGHT

Whats a good fight? Im thinking of Frazier and Ali. That was a good fight. They went at it for 15 rounds. Rocky and that Russian or Rocky and Apollo Creed, or Rocky and Mr. T. All those Rocky fights were good. Qui Gon Gin and Obe Won Kinobe against Darth Mall. That was a good fight. Spiderman versus the Goblin. Ill tell you about a great fight, Joe Cranton and Jarred Moore. 8 grade. Jarred was a football player and Joe was a thug. Joe jumped Jared after school and Jared beat the soup out of Joe. Great fight! The bad guy got it. Herbert and Louis our next door neighbors. Man, sometimes they would go at it and you could hear the banging and cussing and screaming through the screen door. We loved to camp out in the back yard and we always hoped that it would be a fight night over at the Meeks. When the yelling started wed hide in the tents to listen. My parents never cussed in our home. I learned most of it from the Meeks. Fight nights at the neighbors. Great fights. Unless you were in them. Or you lived in the home where they happened. Dennis and James didnt think it was so great when their mom and dad, Herbert and Louise fought. So much of the conflict in the home has long term damaging affects on the parents and on the children. Two situations. Kathy was this wonderful young girl that started going to church on her own. Surrendered to ministry and went off to bible school. Met a ministerial student. Brought him home the first time. Saying good night out by the car and her mother comes screaming out of the house with a butcher knife and chased her faterh around the front door. The conflict caused Kathy to avoid conflict at all cost. So when she was in a marriage she never expressed any anger and as a result, her husband never knew how she felt. Another situation was LIsa. Violent fights in the home. One day her father and mother were screaming at each other and the dad stormed out to get in the car. He mother followed him and threw a bowl of cereal at the car. After the breakup Lisa spent most weekends taking care of her brother and sister. She moved in with a guy and he abused her.
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Seeds are sown that last a lifetime. So its extremely important to manage conflict. I want to talk about how to have a good fight.

I. Try to avoid conflict

The best fights are the ones you never have. So the best fights are the ones that dont break out.

Go slow
Proverbs 25:8 Do not go out hastily to argue your case; Otherwise, what will you do in the end, when your neighbor puts you to shame? Proverbs 18:19 A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle. Proverbs 17:14 The beginning of strife is like letting out water, So abandon the quarrel before it breaks out. Wonderful picture. Like a dike breaking. Have you ever seen it happen. Starts slow but as the force of the water starts to work the hole expands and gets out of control. Watching a documentary on the flooding in central America and they had a dike burst. Trying everything. Started with sand bags. Then a bus. Then a barge. Nothing worked. The town was flooded. That is the picture for conflict. It is like letting out water. Quickly gets out of control. Go slow.

Three questions:
Is it me? Sometimes we get into fights because we are in a mood. Be aware of stress levels and blood sugar levels. We have a standing rule at our house. No bad news before dinner. Its amazing what a difference dinner makes. Be careful with letting personal frustration spill over into the relationship. One time I smashed my finger with a board. I had asked Amy to help, but I thought she was a little to slow getting there and the board pinched my finger really badly. I was frustrated with the project, but I yelled at Amy, Way to go Amy. She of course got mad that I was yelling at her. Thats an avoidable fight.

Sometimes you need to grow up. Dont let little things bug you so easily. Deal with it. Deal with expectations and demands. Quit being so sensitive. Dont allow it. Say to yourself, thats just me and I need to get over it. Is it something or someone else? Have you ever gotten mad about someone else in your life and you took it out on your spouse. Mad at the boss or someone else. Mad about something else. One time I was mad at the weed eater for not starting and I pulled the cord really hard and my elbow hit a brick wall. I yelled at Amy. Is it real? Sometimes the anger is real and it needs to be addressed. Own your anger. Ephesians 4:26 BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, Lets talk about this. The bible says to be angry. So we know right away that its not a sin to get mad. Anger is not a sin. God would never tell us to do something wrong. So there are appropriate times to be angry.

None of these have anything to do with Amy. But when I get angry about these things it affects my relationship with Amy. For example, were trying to get somewhere and someone is going too slow in the fast lane. That guy is driving 55 in the fast lane. Amy says, Well the speed limit is 55. Are you taking his side? Most of what makes us angry is inappropriate and it tends to bleed over into other areas of life. Be humble enough to say, God this is not your best. Proverbs 14:30 A tranquil heart is life to the body, But passion is rottenness to the bones. Heres a verse I try to remember. James 1:19 This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; Now the next one. 20 for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. Most anger is inappropriate, but sometimes the anger is appropriate.

Express appropriate anger

Be angry. . . Its unhealthy to pretend you arent angry when you are. You mate doesnt understand when the top finally blows. Guy that always did what he wanted to do and she never complained or challenged him. He liked to hunt and fish, she didnt. So every vacation was centered on what he wanted. He was a spender she was a saver. So she would save and he would spend it on his big-ticket stuff. Boats and cars etc. .. She would always suppress her feelings and they would fester in her spirit. One day she realized that she just didnt love him anymore. So she came to me and said, I just dont love my husband any more. How did he take that? He was devastated. He had no idea. She wound up leaving him. She never owned her anger and as a result he never knew or had a chance to correct his behavior. Dont let things fester. Be angry. Own your feelings. Express your feelings. But be careful how you do it.

II. Constructively address your anger

If the anger is real then you need to deal with it. Be angry. Its not a sin to get angry. Jesus God angry. But notice it says, But dont sin.

Step one, evaluate your anger

Not ALL anger is appropriate. Be honest about what is making you angry. Most of what we are angry about is not necessary. Make a mental list right now. Top five things that really tick me off. 1. Slow people in the fast lane 2. People following when you are speeding 3. Unexpected bills from the phone company 4. Expectations that I cant meet 5. Fire ants

Proverbs 25:11 Like apples of gold in settings of silver Is a word spoken in right circumstances. Communicate feelings without projecting blame. Avoid blame. Instead, say it like this, When you do that it makes me feel this way. Assertive message that isnt threatening.

Take special care with your words. Proverbs 12:18 There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing. Dont use words you cannot take back. I always hated your nose. Youre just a loser like your father. Youre stupid. Youre ugly. I wish Id never met you. I wish Id never had you! Take especial care with your words. Heres where maturity and discipline are important. You arent trying to hurt your mate, you are trying to resolve a disagreement. Couch in non threatening ways. Avoid blame. Dont say, You always. Instead say, When you do that it makes me feel this way. . .

III. Lay some Ground rules

Sometimes in the process of discussing our feelings we break out into a conflict. We fight. A long time ago we developed ground rules to govern conflict. Be angry but dont sin. . . Dont let the thing turn into a nuclear war.

Stay Small
Keep it between you and the person Prov 25:9 Argue your case with your neighbor, And do not reveal the secret of another, Matthew 5:25 "Make friends quickly with your opponent at law while you are with him on the way, in order that your opponent may not deliver you to the judge, and the judge to the officer, and you be thrown into prison.

Keep it confidential
#1 Rule for family conflict. No matter how desperately you want to. . . no matter how much you think it will help. . . do not under any circumstances go on the Jerry Springer show with your problems. What are those people thinking? Why in the world would they ever consider that? Im not sure but I think it might have to do with telling on the offender. Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands. Men, Ephesians 5:28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, This is the hardest part. Dont talk about the conflict and try to get others on your side. Insecurity makes you argue your case to the choir. This is true of any conflict, not just the ones in your family. This doesnt mean you cant go to godly people for counsel. Talk to someone if you cant get on top of it. But be sure they are someone who is discerning, and discrete.

Stick to the issues.

If you are upset because she spent too much on school clothes, dont bring up the fact that she hated your idea about the new ski boat. We have a rule, we only fight about one thing at a time. Thats just like the time . . . that wasnt the subject and we wont address that. you always. Uh uh, this is specific. Words to avoid, Just like, always, never. . . Just because he wasnt there to pick up the kids on time, dont bring up the laundry list of what hes done wrong.

No lists
It unhealthy because to remember the list you have to rehearse the hurt. Psalms 103:12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Remember, God isnt on a ball. So east and west is universal and infinite.

IV. Resolve to resolve

Be angry and dont sin, dont let the sun go down on your anger.

Watch Your Words

Resolve the problem. Dont let it cook. Sometimes we need to let the other person simmer down. A wise man once said that conflict is like mud. If you try to wipe it off too soon it just smears and gets worse. Sometimes you need to let it dry. Then it dusts right off. Let it dry, but dont let it cook. Get it off. Dont let the sun go down on your anger. Hebrew the day started at Sundown. So dont start a new day with an old grudge. Get over it. After everyone has cooled down get back together and say, OK, how do we work this out. Might need some Im sorry. Then once its resolved its done. NO bringing it back up. Jeremiah 31:34 "for I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more." If God forgets we need to forget. Remember NO MORE. NO LISTS. Whats done is done. It cannot be brought up again. Above all give it to the Lord. He alone can change the environment in your home. He alone can change you.