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The Pioneer Log Backdoor

February 17, 2012

TOAST ROAST OF THE WEEK:

DOING THINGS
Man, I seriously hate doing things. I feel like Im always doing things. And as Im doing things, Im simultaneously being crushed by the stress of knowing that once I get done, Im just going to have to do more things. Ill go ahead and blame the Internet and television for this lament. I envy those who lived in eras when constant immobile, brain-deforming leisure wasnt an option and thus not a constant temptation. People used to consider novels akin to tabloids: brainless, silly and empty of meaning. They used to warn the masses that if novels continued to gain popularity people would become stupid, docile, and shallow. What would they think of us now? I only read novels when Im obligated to, but Ill willingly hypnotize myself for hours perusing Internet memes and Cracked.com. God damn it, Socially Awkward Penguin, you get me every time. As my roommate once said, until they allow you to put demonstrates impressive abilities to find any TV show streaming for free on the Internet under the skills section of a resume, Im pretty much screwed. Even during those rare moments when Im doing something I actually enjoy, the desire to be in my bed on my laptop never seems to completely go away. What does it say about my chances at success when, sometimes, the thought of doing the dishes is so daunting it makes me want to do nothing at all for the rest of my life? Luckily, kind of smart and lazy can be easily written off as a case of ADD. But, even on Adderall, I usually end up using my enhanced interest-levels and engaged concentration on a crossword puzzle. Touch, modern world, touch. I wont pretend, at this point, that my entire life is not a collective #firstworldproblem. I cant act like venting out loud on more than one occasion, I want to watch a show on the Internet but, ugh, FML, first I have to make food, is acceptable human behavior. Im not delusional, just hopeless. So, screw you, things I have to do. Youll get done in a begrudged manner and youll damned well like it.

You: Whistling Spirited Away in the Stewart/Odell hallways on Saturday night. Me: Wanting to make sweet sweet music with you. You: Could eat sandwiches of me. Me: Could eat sandwiches of you. You: Taking organic chemistry, linear algebra and differential equations for fun. Me: WHY?

You Caught My Eye

You: Girls waiting for the bathroom. Me: Wishing you would PEE FASTER! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE??? You: Slow walkers. Me: Stepping on your heels. Hurry up. This paths not big enough for the both of us. You: Classroom full of silent, but deadlies. Me: Wanting to know who cut the cheese. I have my suspicions You: Tiny Dancer Me: Wanting to be held closer. You: All-black wearing rebel. Me: Wanting to be your darkness.

You: Soul-night DJ. Me: Disappointed at your lack of all things STAX records You: Bikers at red lights. Me: Laughing at your slow, balancing hobble.

Wanna mack on somebody in a public forum? Email a You Caught My Eye to piolog@gmail.com

LCs Walking Paradoxes: A brief catalog

PHOTO COURTESY OF FLICKR USER STERNECK

PHOTO COURTESY OF FLICKR USER ATTILA ACS

PHOTO COURTESY OF FLICKR USER NAOMI KING

PHOTO COURTESY OF FLICKR USER SAXAROCKS

Straight-edge Longhair: Okay, so, when youre traveling anywhere in the world and youre looking to find yourself some herbal remedies, what is the universal symbol that someone can point you in the direction of finding that sweet, sweet sensimilia? Its a guy with long hair! This rule is routinely defied around the LC campus. You see a guy, hes wearing birkenstocks, he listens to world music, hes an advocate for like six different human rights causes, and his hair is practically down to his ass. Now, ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD, this guy would clearly be the one to ask to hook you up with some killer ganj or, at the very least, would be a willing participant in the passing of the peace pipe. You wouldnt even have to ask! At LC, however, this guy could very easily be one of those guys that just... has long hair. He just... likes the way it looks. Now, Im all for breaking down stereotypes and expressing yourself, but if someone mistakes this guy for being Sir Tokes-a-lot, can you blame him? If youre one of these pseudohippies, just politely decline the J and dont write the guy up. How was he to know?

Overstudious Ninny: These people are notetaking machines. Their hands are always up in class, theyre always going to office hours, theyre the ones who organize study parties, theyre the backbone of class discussions, their professors love them and they can always be found holed up diligently in the library on Saturday afternoons. Everything points to these kids being straight-up geniuses. But lo and behold! One encounter outside of class where Mr. or Mrs. Smartypants didnt get a chance to read ahead in the textbook, and you find that conversation leaves something to be desired. What? You think Ron Pauls presidential platform is revolutionary? You proudly admit to being a member of Team Jacob? Your favorite actress is Jessica Alba and you made it to the movie theater for the midnight premieres of both New Years Eve AND Valentines Day? Im sorry, friend, but youre leaving me no choice but to chalk up all of your right answers in class to rote memorization. Theres no way you can fully grasp the literary impact of Tolstoy if the highlight of your week is getting together to watch Glee.

Vapid Vogue Vixen: Oh wow, did you see her new headscarf? She looked so Erykah Badu. And that funky hairstyle? That girl has serious cojones. She totally pulled off that paisley romper. What a free spirit! I wish I was so comfortable with myself to be so avant garde. Seven-inch heels at 9 am? I wouldnt have the guts. Lets go talk to her to see what other crazy things she likes. How many times has this happened to you? You see someone across campus who looks to be the cosmic lovechild of Andy Warhol and Lady Gaga, who you imagine must do crazy, interesting things, like tightrope walk or play the accordion, but then you go talk to them only to find that they just do average things, like play Monopoly and go jogging. I thought I was going to go meet up with someone who practices a bygone form of gnostic mysticism and puts bee pollen pellets on top of her tempeh goulash, not someone who just has a tumblr page full of pictures of herself and her friends in various outfits and poses. If you wanna look weird, you gotta get weird. Try weaving tapestries?

Emaciated Ladies Man: This guy spent most of his high-school years stewing in virginal angst. When he wasnt having his masculinity ruthlessly insulted by meatheads and cheerleaders, he was sitting quietly by himself at the lunch table listening to Belle & Sebastian. Fast-forward to his college years. One would imagine that this ninety-pound nonconformist would be incredibly grateful to be in such an open-minded environment, with a sea of beautiful and quirky women to pursue. Hes probably really shy when he asks them out, and I bet he does really cute things like buy them flowers or tell them how beautiful they are... Alas, welcome to the sad truth about the gender balance at LC. This guy has more one night stands than an amateur porn star, and he calls it getting poon, not making love. He doesnt appreciate women, and he has all the charm and personality of a compostable straw. Seriously, zero game. Thankfully, although this guy is currently under the impression he can score any girl imaginable, once he graduates, hell be back to the sexual tundra of his high school years.

THIS WEEKS COMICS: Help! Im in Hungary by Anonymous

All farticles written in the Backdoor are jokes. Funny jokes. Dont take them seriously because they dont take you seriously. Seriously. Oh, wanna do a comic or shower us with compliments? Contact Erin Ruprecht or Marcia Belsky.