Marguerite

Rehders Ms. Caruso English 1102 4/4/12

Marguerite 4/30/12 11:43 AM Comment [1]: The main points I revised in this paper are as follows; word choice, choppy sentenses, elaboration (details,) and fixing formal/informal errors.

September 11th, 2001 is the date of the most horrifically tragic event to ever

take place on American soil. It is more than just a date; it is a memory and it is a reminder of the innocent lives our country lost on that fateful morning. The topic of 9/11 is a very touchy one that will bring tears to ones eyes and chills to ones skin. What all of society does not realize, however, is the stories of those behind the flames and the terror. The stories of those who went to work like they would on any other day and as a result were never able to see their families or loved ones again. The stories of bravery and triumph on a day of pain and terror. The Film, The Lucky Ones, portrays the themes of love, loss, tragedy and triumph and intertwines them all, creating a masterpiece that nobody will want to miss. The Lucky Ones follows the lives of two main characters, Derek Eason and

Marguerite 4/30/12 12:33 AM Comment [2]: I made this sentence sound more formal, being that it is my intro sentence it had to sound stronger.

Marguerite 4/30/12 11:44 AM Comment [3]: Here, I took some choppy sentences out that sounded repetitive and imformal as well.

Sarah Carlisle, on the morning of September 11th, 2001. Derek is a twenty-six year old commodity trader in the South Tower of the World Trade Center. His smooth attitude, witty sense of humor and good looks alone are enough to captivate any audience. On the morning of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, Derek arrives to work extra early and decides that he wants to try out Windows on the World, the famously known restaurant occupying the top two floors of the World Trade Centers North tower. It is this decision that leads him to Sarah, a beautiful twenty-three year old

 waitress who is working the breakfast shift on that particular morning. Sarahs

laidback, mellow demeanor makes her instantly likable. Upon meeting, the two hit it off, and the sparks are undeniable. However, despite Dereks efforts, Sarah maintains a professional attitude in her work area and denies Derek the chance for another encounter with her. Instead, she tells him, they will leave it up to fate. From the moment these two characters are introduced, The Lucky Ones has the audience wishing they could jump into the television screen and warn these clueless, nave minds of the massacre that is about to occur. In a stroke of luck, when the first plane crashes into the North tower at 8:46
Marguerite 4/30/12 11:51 AM Comment [4]: Placement of sentences is key, and in my original paper I had many sentences that were out of place and kind of just floating around. I feel as though I finally found an appropriate fit for this sentence.

a.m., Sarah is not present. Unbeknownst to Derek, Sarah regretted not giving her number to him and had exited work while on break to find him in his office. However, when seeing the film through Dereks point of view, he assumes that Sarah is trapped above the flames. He hears people scrambling around, but announcements on the loud speakers telling everyone to remain calm and inside the building are what prevents him from going anywhere. Nobody in the building is aware of what is about to happen next. Derek cannot help but stare in awe at the fiery explosion and thick clouds of smoke engulfing New York Citys skyline. The only things on his mind are the sound of the voice and smile on the face of the beautiful woman whom he had just met moments earlier. Dereks coworkers scramble in and out of his office panicked and asking questions, but the only thing Derek is focused on is the fact that he thinks Sarah may be dead. At 9:03 a.m. Dereks thoughts are interrupted when the second plane hits the South tower, impacting the floors directly below his office. We now see the film through Sarahs eyes, who is

Marguerite 4/30/12 8:39 AM

Comment [5]: I added in the rest of this paragraph because I felt it needed more detail. You had pointed out to me that I somewhat rushed through this paragraph, therefore I wanted to slow it down and provide more visual detail.

outside looking up at the explosions in both buildings. She fears for the lives of many people she cares about, but most of all fears that Derek is trapped above the flames with no way out. The audience has no choice but to assume the same thing. Sarah attempts to run inside of Tower 2 but is stopped by Port Authority Police officers who are attempting a safe, smooth evacuation. The audience can feel Sarahs emotion as she screams in agony and sobs helplessly. The mystery of weather or not Derek has survived the second plane crash makes this part of the film extremely suspenseful. Flashing back and forth between two characters point of view
Marguerite 4/30/12 8:47 AM
Comment [6]: I added more detail here as well so that this part of my description made sense. I did not want to rush through any details, I want my audience to have a clear picture of what is going on in this movie and this scene in particular. I think this paragraph is much stronger than it was in my original paper.

throughout the film is what allows the audience to gain a sense of different perspectives on the truly unbearable sight of the Twin Towers being attacked that day. Throughout the film, many people are seen jumping out of windows to escape smoke. Every single one of Sarahs coworkers is killed in the collapse of the twin towers. A group of Dereks friends and coworkers are all killed instantly when the second plane crashes into the South tower. By the end of this film, after much anticipation and suspense, Derek escapes through the one stairwell in the South tower that is not severed by the attack. He is one of the twenty survivors who made it out through this stairwell on that day (Smith 1). He is one of forty people in total out of hundreds and hundreds who was above the floors of impact that did not fall, burn, or crush to their death. These are people who should truly consider themselves lucky. It is through this somewhat happy ending that the audience can clearly see where the title The Lucky Ones comes into play. When he exits the tower moments before it crumbles to the ground, Derek spots Sarah in the distance. The

 two reunite in the midst of chaos and actually bring a sense of happiness and warmth to this emotional, tragic story.

This film depicts one of many potential survivor tales that the world does not know about. It will have tears streaming down your face by the time Derek makes it out of the building, only to see Sarah in the distance. It is a film that has the audience rooting for our two main characters, hoping that they will both live to see each other again one day. However, do not watch this movie thinking it will be all happy endings. This is a film revolving around the most devastating attack on American soil from a foreign organization in the history of mankind. Graphic images of innocent civilians terrified, horrified and running for their lives are depicted in order to show viewers how much chaos and struggle took place in New York City on that day. The Lucky Ones is so realistic that it is guaranteed to stir up emotion in anyone who watches it. The theme of love overcoming evil even in hopeless, painful situations is what draws people in, and that is exactly what this film depicts. It is a story of triumph, even if it is only triumph for a small number of people. It is a love story and an action film in one, keeping the audience constantly guessing and rooting for the main characters to live. Do not miss out on The Lucky Ones, coming to theaters near you July 3rd!

Marguerite 4/30/12 9:01 AM Comment [7]: I tried really hard to take out any sort of conclusion elements from the paragraph. In my original paper I kind of summed up my conclusion and my last detailed paragraph into one, and I sounded very repetitive. Here, I tried to make this paragraph strictly about details of the plot of the film, rather than including sentences that should be in my conclusion.

Marguerite 4/30/12 9:03 AM

Comment [8]: I changed up my conclusion in order to make it sound more formal, and stronger. Before, it sounded wishy-washy, and it also sounded like I was starting to ramble. I was repeating myself and I tried to eliminate that problem in this paragraph. By separating my last two paragraphs I believe I concluded this paper much more efficiently.

 WORKS CITED:

Smith, Thomas C. "9/11 Memorial Timeline." 9/11 Memorial Timeline. Web. 11 Apr. 2012. <http://timeline.national911memorial.org/>.

Marguerite 4/30/12 9:06 AM Comment [9]: My original worked cited was in the improper format.