Understanding Love and

Relationships
What is Love?

 This simple word is deceptively

complicated to define. It is an extremely
abstract – and subjective – experience.

 Most of us experience love in some way

from when we are very young, whether
that is love for a family member, a friend,
or even a pet.
What is Love?

 As we get older, we start to experience

more mature feelings of love. In our teen
years, however, these feelings can be
amplified by hormones and make us feel
out of control.

 Stereotypically, people tend to think only

girls and women experience strong feelings
of love. But boys and men do as well. They
just may express it differently.
What is Love?

 While love itself can feel differently for

different people and under different
circumstances, it can generally be defined as “a
feeling of deep affection for another person.”

 As a young person gets older, these feelings

transition from loving a friend to having feelings
of sexual attraction and the desire to be
intimate in ways that are different from the
intimacy that comes from friendship.
Sternberg’s Triangular
Theory of Love
 Robert Sternberg, a US-based psychologist,
created a model that explains different
kinds of relationship love.

 The three main components of love are

passion, intimacy and commitment. When
one, several or all of these are present, a
person or relationship experiences a
different kind of love.
Sternberg’s Triangular
Theory of Love
 PASSION is the powerful feelings that drive us
forward in a relationship – including the romantic
feelings, the attraction, the desire to be sexually
intimate with that person.

 INTIMACY refers to the emotional component: the

sense of connectedness or bonding with another
person. It also has to do with wanting to help each
other and sharing feelings with the other person.
Sternberg’s Triangular
Theory of Love
 COMMITMENT is the part of love that gets
out of the heart and goes into the head –
the rational aspect. This is when a person
makes a conscious decision to have their
feelings translate into a desire to
maintain a relationship over time – to get
through the challenges and see past the
shortcomings.
Sternberg’s Triangular
Theory of Love
 If only intimacy is present, is a friendship or the
experience of “liking.”

 If only passion is present, without intimacy or

commitment, it is thought of as “infatuation.” It is
exciting, but rarely lasts.

 If only commitment without intimacy and passion,

it is called “empty love” – relationships that people
stay in because they have been together a long
time, because it is expected of them, etc.
Sternberg’s Triangular
Theory of Love
 If there is passion and commitment without
intimacy, it is called “fatuous” love. This might
include a whirlwind romance that doesn’t have
substance beneath it.

 If passion and intimacy, but no commitment, it is

“romantic” love. This might include a relationship
that stays in the moment, without plans for the
future. This can characterize younger relationships
–commitment is a challenge at younger ages, due in
part to circumstances as well as to socialization.
Sternberg’s Triangular
Theory of Love
 If intimacy and commitment are present
but no passion, it is called
“companionate” love. This may happen in
relationships where sexual desire has
decreased or is no longer present, but
there is still love.
 This may also happen in asexual
relationships, or in relationships between
much older people if they do not
experience sexual desire.
Sternberg’s Triangular
Theory of Love
 According to Sternberg, the
“consummate” or “ultimate” type of love
is when all three elements are present.

 This does not tend to happen in younger

relationships – and does not always
happen in adult relationships either.
Sternberg’s Triangular
Theory of Love
Healthy Communication, Healthy
Relationships
 Types of Communication

 Generally speaking, there are three

major ways we communicate: passively,
assertively or aggressively. While there
are sub-types of communication within
this (such as “passive-aggressive”),
these are the main categories.
 Types of Communication

 Being PASSIVE is when a person is timid or unclear in

expressing his/her needs – or when they won’t speak up
about what THEY want, but just go along with what the
other person wants.

 Being AGGRESSIVE is when someone tries to get what

they want by bullying the other person into it through
threats, raising their voice or giving ultimatums.

 Being ASSERTIVE is when we say what we want or mean

directly, but without being hurtful to the other person.
 For Example…

A person asks whether you want to go to a party you do not

wish to go to.

The PASSIVE response would be to go to the party anyway. In

this way, you have put the other person’s happiness above your
own.

The AGGRESSIVE response would be to say, “Oh no, we’re not

going to that party – we’re going here instead.” This minimizes
the other person’s desire to go to the party and makes that
person feel badly about asking. In addition, the aggressive
response exerts power over the situation and relationship.
 For Example…

An ASSERTIVE response might be:

“I really don’t feel like going to a

party – but why don’t you go, and we
can do something tomorrow?”
A Few Notes about Healthy
Communication
 Communicating clearly is a skill that continues to develop
our lives.
 Many people confuse assertive with aggressive, thinking
that the desired outcome is for them to get what THEY
want, rather than finding a way for both people to be
happy.
 Gender plays a big role in this. Boys and men are
socialized to be more aggressive than passive, and so
learning to balance that as part of being in a relationship
is important.
 Similarly, girls and women are socialized to be more
passive and submissive, and so being assertive is often
difficult.
A Few Notes about Young
People and Communication
 Depending on the area, a lot of communication between
young people takes place via text. This is the preferred
method of communication, and often results in their being
able to discuss intimate topics via text but not in person.
 Many young people start, maintain and end their
relationships via text. Technology use has to be both
valued and balanced with in-person interactions and
communication.
 Teens need to be careful about what they send to others
via text, especially. Older partners will sometimes
forward naked pictures for porn; if a relationship ends,
these photos are sometimes shared vastly to destroy the
girl’s or woman’s reputation, known as “revenge porn.”
A Few Notes about Young
People and Communication
 Finally, although being assertive is considered the most
effective way of communicating, there are times when being
aggressive is necessary.

 In terms of romantic and sexual relationships, a person

whose boundaries are being pushed, who has said “no”
while the other person continues to pressure them to do
something they don’t want to do, may need to be a bit more
aggressive than assertive.

 This might include, “if you do not stop disrespecting me, I

will tell your older brother how you are behaving,” or “I said
STOP. Now I’m leaving.”
 Pause!

Please close this PowerPoint

and complete the activity, “Be
Assertive.”
Once you are done, please
return to the next slide on this
PowerPoint.
Unhealthy Decisions: Having
Multiple Partners
 Having multiple partners carries risks.

 Emotional issues relating to jealousy, self-esteem

and more can lead to conflict and poor decision-
making.

 Physical risks relate to increased risk for STIs,

including HIV, as well as for pregnancy (if a girl or
young woman has multiple male partners).
Unequal Partners: Men Dating
Girls
 It is common for teens to date adults. Although
this can happen among people of all genders,
the most common situation is an adult man
seeking out a younger woman or teen girl. This
section will discuss those types of relationships.

 Both the older and the younger partner receive

some benefit from being in this type of
relationship. What are some of the perceived
benefits?
 Age Difference:
Benefits to Girls and Guys
Benefits to Girls Benefits to Guys
 Increased status  Often less mature than
girls/women their own
 Greater chance he will
age, therefore greater
have money/be able to
ability to connect with a
buy things for her/her
younger girl
family
 Less or no sexual
 More mature than boys
experience, so reduced
the same age
risk of STIs/HIV
 More sexually  Status of having younger,
experienced than boys
perhaps more attractive
the same age
girlfriend or potential
 Potential for marriage wife
 Age Difference:
Risks to Girls and Guys
Risks to Girls Risks to Guys
 Age difference usually means  Not particularly harsh.
power differential
The age of consent in
 Greater incidence of Zimbabwe is 16; the
unhealthy or abusive penalties depend on the
relationships
age of the younger
 Greater incidence of teen person. (Male-female
pregnancy and risk of sex only).
STIs/HIV to fetus and
pregnancy girl
 Greater chance of older guy
having multiple sex partners,
thereby increasing risk of
STIs/HIV
Things to Keep in Mind…
 Gender role stereotypes affect sexual decision-
making.

 Men considered more masculine by having

multiple sex partners; more virile by having
younger girlfriends.

 Sex between same-sex couples is illegal; this

keeps men who have sex with men secret, which
in turn causes many to have unprotected sex with
girls/women.
Things to Keep in Mind…

 Girls and women socialized against

verbalizing their wants/needs in a
relationship. In abusive relationships,
doing so can increase the chance of
experiencing violence.

 Young people are capable of making good

decisions, but this is an abstract skill that
needs to be taught and practiced.