THE STAGES

OF
MARRIAGE
PA S T O R WAT S O N M S I M A N G A
BUILDING A STRONG FAMILY
• On the serious side, Proverbs 24 says, “Homes are built on the foundation of
wisdom and understanding.” (Prov 24:3) In other words, God wants us to be
wise. He wants us to understand how marriage should and operates.
• This evening we're going to look at the common stages in a marriage -- so that
we can be wise and understanding. A lot of marriages fall apart due to
ignorance. They're unaware of the dynamics. They're in the dark as to
what is actually taking place in the marriage. I've had people say, “I have no
idea what went wrong! I never noticed anything was wrong.”
• Today we're going to let God give us some wisdom and understanding, which –
He says -- is the foundation of a strong home life. There are four predictable
stages in any marriage. We're going to describe these stages -- and then
show how to make it to stage four in our marriages.
STAGE 1 :DREAM OR ROMANTIC
STAGE
• This is the “thrilling” stage of the marriage. The Song of Solomon is all about the happy honeymoon.
Chapter 2, verses 2 through 9 describe this stage of the marriage. Listen to the comparisons and descriptions
here. Solomon and his beloved wife are describing each other.
• Solomon says, “Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens.” This guy is
smitten! She replies, “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the
young men. I delight to sit in his shade and his fruit is sweet to my taste. He's taken me to
the banquet hall and his banner over me is love. Strengthen me with raisins and refresh me
with applies for I am faint with love.”
• She's saying, “I'm devastated by this guy. He's one big hunk!” Notice verse 8: “Listen my
lover. Look! Here he comes leaping across the mountains bounding over the hills. My lover
is like a swift gazelle or a young deer.” Wives, can you see your husbands bounding into the
room in his boxer shorts? Leaping over chairs and couches?
• What is happening here? There are five words that describes this first stage of marriage:
1 INTENSITY.
• There is focused attention. They're spellbound … absorbed. They are engrossed with each other.
They've got a crush on each other. “I only have eyes for you!” They are totally preoccupied. “I'm faint
with love,” she says. That's what happens in the first stage of marriage. You are zapped! All you can see
is that person. It’s a time of great intensity.
• 2. Idealism. (the unrealistic belief in or pursuit of perfection.)There is a tendency in the first stage of
marriage to put your partner on a pedestal. We see this in chapter 4 of the Song of Solomon. He says,
“How beautiful you are my darling. How beautiful.” Then he starts comparing her: “Your eyes behind
your veils are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats.”
• Men, don't try that one on your wives! “Your teeth are like a flock of sheep.” Just understand this is
oriental beauty! “Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon. Your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your
veil are like halves of a pomegranate. Your neck is like the tower of David.” (Song of Solomon 4:1-5)
He's kind of giving her a run down on her body. He keeps going but I think I'll stop right there at the
neckline! He sums it up in verse 7: “All beautiful you are, my darling. There is no flaw in you.” (Song
of Solomon 4:7) Notice the idealism? They see each other as perfect. There is a total disregard of
differences and faults.
 3 INDULGENCE.
• There's a lot of giving in and a lot of giving up. “Whatever you want, darling!” You go along to get along. You
cater to every whim. You're pampering each other. You can't stand sports but you go with your husband to the
ball game. He hates going shopping at the mall -- but he goes anyway. In this stage you indulge each other,
please each other. There is also …
• 4. Infatuation. There is extreme happiness, a great feeling of well-being. You are “in love.” Everything seems
great. The world seems great, you seem great, your mate seems great. “I'm in love!” There's a bounce in your
step. This entire book is filled with this – they are enamored with each other, infatuated – they can do no wrong.
• You have all of these ingredients in the happy honeymoon. Intensity, idealism, indulgence, infatuation. But one
more word describes this stage:
• 5. Ignorance. The fact is, you don't really even know that person. You're in love with an ideal of them. You
don't know what they're really like and you don't know what you're in for.
• (One guy said, “I didn't know that puppy love would lead to a dog's life.”)
• During this first stage we tend to ignore our differences and overlook our faults and put our hang-ups aside and
any major conflict is swept under the carpet.
• The fact is this stage doesn't last. It can't last. Sooner or
later we awaken to a few realities - that we have differences
and faults. We have different temperaments, we have
different personalities -- and we come to realize there's
more to life than just having fun. There are
responsibilities you have to face. You start having to pay
bills. The first stage kind of floats off to the side and we
come to stage two.
 2 DISILLUSIONMENT STAGE
• In Proverbs – Solomon says this about his lovely wife, “It is better to live alone in the corner
of an attic than with a contentious wife in a lovely home.” (Prov 21:9; 25:24) “A quarrelsome
wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day. Restraining her is like restraining the wind or
grasping oil with the hand.” (Prov 27:15-16)
• Notice the change in attitude. In The Song, Solomon had said, “You're perfect! You're flawless.
There's nothing wrong with you. It's great. I'm in love. It's fantastic.”
• What happened? His delight turns to disillusionment. His dating turns to debating. His
romance turns to resentment. The ideal turns to the ordeal. This is stage two. Stage one is
the DREAM OR ROMANTIC stage. Stage two might be called … “DISILLUSIONMENT”
WHY ?..............
• THE PARTY'S OVER
• The thrill turns to tension. It's like the man who goes in complaining to his pastor two months
after marriage, “I got false advertising here.”
• The Pastor said, “You took her for better or for worse.”
• The man said, “Yeah, but she's a lot worse than I took her for.”
• There are five words that characterize Stage Two in marriage:
• 1. Dullness. It's back to the routine. Boredom sets in. You become complacent. You lose
interest. You neglect your appearance. In dating you looked perfect. But then, after you
get married, you start letting it all hang out. The attitude before marriage is “Anything you
want, darling.” After marriage it's “Get it yourself, Buster!” Dullness and routine is a part of
this stage. Then, there are …
• 2. Disagreements. You begin to clash over differences. You begin to argue. There's some strife
in your marriage and some hang-ups and you experience disharmony. There is conflict and
disagreements.
• 3. Defensiveness. You start protecting yourself. You're not as open as you were. You don't let
your guard down, you watch your rear flank -- you're not as open and vulnerable. There's a
communication breakdown. You don't want your faults used against you. You start protecting
yourself, because you think they could use that as ammunition against you. We accuse and excuse.
We excuse ourselves and we accuse our mates. We blame them and start finding fault with each
other. Resentment builds up.
• 4. Disapproval. Before, we find Solomon saying, “Everything she does is right!” Now he's saying,
“Nothing she does is right!” What a change in attitude. There's a lot of criticizing and complaining.
• It's like the wife who said, “I knew my husband was temperamental but I found out it was
90% temper and 10% mental.”
• And there's nagging. The husband says, “All she does is nag! She's a witch!” Solomon writes, “A
nagging wife annoys like a constant dripping.” (Prov 19:13)
• The wife says, “I just don't respect him any more.” Respect goes down the tubes. We criticize
and jab. Someone said, “The way to bury your marriage is a lot of little digs” -- constantly being
critical and disapproving of one another. Finally, there is …
• 5. Disappointment. You become disillusioned. I've heard people say, “I feel cheated. I got in
this marriage and now I have these secret feelings of regret. I feel trapped and I don't know how
to get out of it. What have I got myself into?” The doubts come along, “Did I do the right thing?
Did I marry the right person? Was I not listening to God? Why didn't I listen to my mother?”
Doubts, disillusionment, and disappointment.
• These five D's -- Dullness, Disagreements, Defensiveness, Disapproval, and Disappointment --
set you up for the two Big D's: “DEPRESSION OR DIVORCE”
• Since divorce is not really an option for the disciple of Christ, a lot of times we
think the only alternative is depression -- endure the misery for the rest of my
life, internalize the anger. I have had people tell me, “My relationship to my
wife/husband is really getting me down!” What a change between Stage 1 and
Stage 2. Stage 1 -- “You make me feel so great!” Stage 2 -- “You make me
feel so bad!”
• There are actually three alternatives to problems in marriage, not just two.
Some people breakup, some people breakdown, but God enables us to
breakthrough.
• Unfortunately, most marriages never get past Stage 2. The average length of a
marriage in the United States is now 7.2 years. That means they never get to
Stage 3. They go through the honeymoon stage. Then they get stuck in the
debating stage. The party's over and everything comes crashing in. They
realize, “We do have differences! We look at the world differently.” There's
either a breakup or a breakdown – divorce or depression -- (“I'm just going to
live in mutual co‑existence and I'm not going to like it -- but we're just going to
hang in there for the rest of our lives and be miserable!”) or there is a
breakthrough into Stage Three. Dr. Linda Waite, a sociologist at the University
of Chicago, led a study of 5,232 married couples. The results of the study were
released last year and there were three very significant findings.
• 1. 67% of unhappy marriages become at least moderately happy within five years – so don’t
give up hope.
• 2. Common feelings during unhappy marriages, such as depression and low self-esteem, rarely
change after divorce – so the problem may not be the marriage – it may be personal issues that
have never been faced and dealt with.
• 3. The unhappiest marriages had the greatest turn arounds, with 78% of people who stayed in
marriages they described as “very unhappy” calling themselves “happy” five years later.
Reasons for the turnaround – the unhappy state motivated them to talk their problems through
(often with professional help) or they simply “hung on” and outlasted their problems. (Bottom
Line Personal 1/15/03, p. 10)
• No matter what your problems – there is hope. If you both WANT to work on your marriage
you don’t need to succumb to either breakdown or break up – you can break through to Stage
Three.
3 DISCOVERY

• STAGE THREE is described in 1 Corinthians 13, the famous chapter on love. Listen to what it
says: “Love is patient (that's how you make it to stage three). Love is kind. It does not envy. It does
not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. Love keeps
no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects,
always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Cor 13:4-7)
• Stage three in a marriage is the stage of …
• III. MATURE LOVE.
• That's what is described here: mature love -- not infatuation, not romanticism -- but mature love.
The love that the Bible speaks about is much different than what people normally mean when they
use the word "love" today.
• Biblical love is much more of a commitment to act in a certain way, a choice of the mind, rather than an
emotional feeling that one falls into. Love is a decision to act in the best interests of another, to defer my
will to their will, to submit my desires to their desires. True love never selfishly seeks it's own ends, but
unselfishly lives to please the object of its love.
• One reason many marriages fail is because the "love" they share is purely emotional, perhaps more lust than
love. They look for good feelings, for the excitement of each other's presence, for the emotional rush their
partner gives them. But life doesn't always feel good, isn’t always exciting. What happens when that
emotional rush diminishes? Such "love” -- based on the self-centered interests of what makes me feel good
-- will inevitably fail.
• Biblical love is a commitment to sacrifice my life, my interests, and my desires - for
the sake of another. In marriage, it's a commitment to be sensitive in determining the
needs of my mate and then meeting those needs, regardless of how I feel at the
moment.
• It's a commitment made to faithfully love and serve one another -- for better or worse; whether my mate is
vibrant and healthy or ravaged by disease or accident; whether times are good or bad – and I guarantee that
there will be bad times
• Biblical love is always unconditional. Our society says:
• • I'll love you if ... (you do or are a certain way).
• • I love you because ... (you're so beautiful, you make me feel good).
• • I love you when ... (you do something).
• But if our love is conditioned upon the actions or appearance of another, it will be short-lived.
Appearances change. Thirty years ago, when Karen took me for better or worse, she took someone that
was 20 pounds lighter, with far less wrinkles and no gray hair. Appearances change.
• Others don't always act the way we want them to act. Biblical love says, "I love you ...
REGARDLESS ...” regardless of what you do, what you say, what you are -- I love you and am
committed to your welfare.
• This is the love God commands us to have for our mates. Now, you can't command a feeling, only a
conscious choice can be commanded. Many people don’t have a relationship that lasts for a lifetime
because they have never CHOSEN to love each other unselfishly and unconditionally.
• Love is a choice, a decision. If you choose to love each other unselfishly and unconditionally, then you
will have a relationship that will last a lifetime.
• I want to give you some words that are characteristic of stage 3. I put them in an acrostic TRUST -- the
only way you make it to stage three in marriage is through mutual trust.
• T - Tenderness.
• There's tenderness in your marriage. You're gentle -- not judgmental -- with each other. You're careful
with each other's feelings. You're tender with each other's egos. You realize you're on the same team.
You're not out to destroy each other. You're tender.
• R - Respect and Responsibility.
• You respect your spouse. You treat them with appreciation. And you accept responsibility for your part
in the marriage. Accept your responsibility to make the marriage work.
• U - Understanding.
• The only way you make it to stage three is to know and accept your differences, to recognize and
realize that we're different. We're never going to be alike. But that's OK. God didn't make another
person just like me. I'm unique. I'm the only one like myself. You know your temperaments, you
know your faults, but you still accept them. Out of that understanding comes ...
• S - Security.
• Mature love has a security that says, “No matter what happens, we will make it.” You're not threatened by
disagreements. When an argument comes along you don't get afraid and think, “Maybe the marriage is dying,
maybe it's ending.”
• You think to yourself, “We've gone through too much together to let this slip away. We've had too many good
experiences to let this current crisis or argument destroy our marriage.” The security comes from an
unreserved commitment to each other. You say, “I'm committed to you regardless.”
• That security will revolutionize your marriage and your communication and your sexual relationship and
everything. You're at home with each other's bodies because you're secure in each other's love.
• T - Truthful and Trusting.
• Mature love is truthful. “It delights -- it rejoices -- in the truth.” You're open. You're honest. You say what
you feel. You're truthful but you're tender. The Bible calls it “Speaking the truth in love.” (Eph 4:15)
• That's the stage that God wants us to get to where we find ultimate fulfillment and satisfaction. How do you
get there? How do you survive Stage Two so you can make it and thrive in Stage Three? There are three
things you must do: open up, give up, and grow up -- that's how you make it to Stage Three. First …
1. OPEN UP.
• The starting point to get out of Stage Two and into Stage Three in a marriage is to open up.
James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that
you may be healed.” I know a lot of relationships that need to be healed. How is a relationship
healed? Through confession and prayer. You open up.
• It takes a lot of honest communication to get into the third stage. Admit you're part of the
problem. Often it means eating some crow … facing the issues. Share your feelings and be
honest with your spouse. Quit pretending and quit concealing -- “This is where I'm hurting.
This is what I don't like. This is what I need. What do you need? What is hurting you?”
• Don't be defensive. It takes a lot of listening and a lot of leveling -- gut to gut -- to make it
to Stage Three. So many times we conceal. Like the wife who said to her husband, “Are
you a man or a mouse? Squeak up!” Confess your faults to each other. Open up.
2. GIVE UP.
• Give up those ways of reacting that plainly don't work. Give up those things that tend to increase the problem rather than
decrease the problem. Give up the attitudes and responses that heighten the tension rather than reduce the tension. What are
some of those common, self-defeating attitudes?
• • The silent treatment. That's one you need to give up. I'll just sulk and pout.
• “Is anything wrong?”………………………“No!”
• “Are you sure?”…………………………….“No!”
• “Are you all right?”………………………….“Just leave me alone!”
• The silent treatment is a way to kill marriage. I've seen marriages that died because of it. Some other things you need to
give up:
• Threatening to walk out. “If you don't do this, just watch what happens!”
• Sarcasm and ridicule. That never built a marriage. It may be cute. But it doesn't help.
• Blame. As long as you spend all your time trying to fix the blame you can't fix the problem. You have to decide -- “What do I
want in my marriage? Do I want to fix the problem or do I want to fix the blame?” Frank Freed said, “Blame literally comes from B-
LAME.” When you're blaming, you're being lame.
• Trying to change your partner. That's a self-defeating response. “I'll just improve them. New improved hubby. New improved
wife. Made in the image of me.”

• I always tell couples before I marry them to remember the acronym: WYSIWYG. It’s an old computer term: “ What
you see is what you get.” Don’t go into a marriage thinking you’re going to change your mate. Give it up.
3. GROW UP
• The greatest need in marriage is maturity. There are a lot of selfish, immature people that got together before
they realized what they were doing. And the marriage can work if they will grow up and accept some
responsibility.
• You have to learn to adapt and to adjust. There's got to be give and take. Grow up. Change is rarely instant in a
person. It's rarely a radical change, rarely dramatic. It just takes time and effort to get to Stage Three.
• It doesn't happen overnight. But is it worth it? Yes! I stand as a testimony to that today. It's worth it. There's
nothing more fulfilling than having a relationship that's built on some things that will not change.
• How do you have a marriage that will last forever? The Bible says here are three things that are going to last
forever in 1 Corinthians 13 -- faith, hope, and love. Build your life on those three things and you’ll have a
relationship that lasts forever.
• I realize that we've got all kinds of marriages represented here. We've got newlyweds; we’ve got some people
who have celebrated their fiftieth anniversary. Jesus Christ is willing to help you at every stage of your
relationship.
• Has your marriage got to Stage Three? Sometimes stress can throw it back into Stage Two. Maybe you were
there and maybe you're not there right now. Do any of these items describe your relationship?
STAGE 4: AWAKENING

• This can also be termed as empty nest era . At this stage couples arrive to a stage where thy
rediscover how to unconditionally love each other , they have discovered how to fight fairly and
to be concerned with each others welfare more than themselves .
• A stage when children have grown and at times they are gone
• In stage 4 they learned the tools they needed to live a happy marriage. They learned that
marriage does not follow the Romance and Happily Ever After formula portrayed in literature
and media. Rather, they learn that there are certain learnable skills, attitudes and tools that they
can use to deal with the inevitable problems of the real world. These skills, attitudes and tools
give them what they need to move from the third Stage of discovery into the fourth Stage of
Awakening.
CONCLUSION
• Most people whose marriages end in divorce are not bad people. Rather, they are often people who never learned the
proper tools for a happy marriage.
• Do any of these items describe your relationship?
• Dullness -- Have you become bored, complacent, your marriage is in the doldrums? It's not bad it's just ho-hum!
Dullness.
• Disagreements -- You're continually clashing and arguing and having conflict and fighting and poking at each other.
• Defensiveness -- You accuse your mate and excuse yourself. You blame them.
• Disapproval -- “I just don't respect my spouse any more!” There is constant nagging, picking, put-down. What's the
solution to that? Start treating them with respect. How do you change a person?
• The only way to change another person is by changing yourself and treating them the way you want them to be. Don't
give them a sermon; just treat them the way you want them to be.
• Disappointment -- some of you think, “I am trapped! What have I got myself into?” As a result you've got the big D --
Depression -- and maybe you even have thought about the other D -- Divorce. Jesus Christ can transform your marriage.
• Would you in your heart right now pray a prayer to the Lord and express to Him the very
feelings you have toward your relationship? Some of you are saying, “I am discouraged. I am
depressed. Our marriage is dull. We do have disagreements. I am defensive.” Just admit it.
• Say, “Lord, I admit that I'm part of the problem in my marriage. Sometimes I'm just plain
selfish. Sometimes, Lord, I'm resentful. Sometimes I'm stubborn. Sometimes I'm defensive.
Please help me to change.” Say, “Jesus, help me to open up, and help me to give up all those
things in my life that are self defeating, that don't build a marriage but tear it down -- threats,
ridicule, blame, the silent treatment, trying to change my partner, sarcasm, ridicule. Help me to
open up. Help me to give up. Help me to grow up. Help me to mature, to become more like
You. I believe in You and I trust You to help me.”
• I’m sure there are some here this evening who have gone to church in the past, you're a good
person, a good neighbor, you try to live a moral life and treat others right … I just want to ask
you one question: “Have you ever established a relationship with Jesus Christ?” That's the key.
That's the underlying presupposition for this entire series on marriage and the family.
• You need God's help. It takes three to make a marriage. The Bible says, “Two are better than
one for they get a good return for their labor. If one person falls the other can reach out and help,
but people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. … If one can overpower him who is
alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” (Eccles 4:9-12)
• Here Solomon brings God into the equation. Two are better than one, but – when the relationship
between husband and wife is intertwined with God -- the marriage becomes even stronger.
• If you've never said, “I want a relationship with Christ,” would you say that in your heart today?
I'm not talking about a religion, or joining a church. I'm talking about a relationship with Jesus
Christ. Jesus wants to come into your heart and change your life, your marriage, and your
family relationships.
• The Bible says, “Whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Acts 2:21) The apostle
Paul was a persecutor and a blasphemer – he hated Christ and Christians – and had even
murdered believers and thrown them into jail. But God changed his life.