Personal Statement Editing

You have done

the hardest part
 Why do you want to study this course?
80% Academic • Current studies
• Outside reading
including
• What has inspired you?
super -curricular
Super-curricular
• What have you read, watched, visited or listened
to that has inspired you?
20% Extra- • Why was it interesting?
Curricular • How do these support and compliment the
course you are applying for?

Extra curricular
• Try and focus on transferrable skills
• Selection criteria for other four universities
 With the person next to you, decide who is person A
and who is person B

Go through your partner’s personal statement and tick:

Feedback

Activities that show engagement with their subject

outside of normal school learning: Being super-
curricular

Examples of university skills: University Outcomes e.g.

critical thinking, subject knowledge, teamwork,
communication, problem-solving
What are the outcomes of going to
university?

1. Critical thinking 6. Professional skills

2. Discipline 7. Ethics and values
knowledge 8. Creativity
3. Problem solving 9. Learning to learn
4. Teamwork
Source: OECD 2013
5. Communication
Personal Statement: Common Feedback

Some common things to improve:

• Meeting the subject criteria

• Opening paragraph
• Critical Thinking
• Missing Stepping stones
• Vague sentences
• Long sentences
Admissions Criteria
• What are the admissions criteria for the
subject you are applying for?

• Does your personal statement

demonstrate them?
 Admissions/
Selection
Psychology (Experimental)
Criteria
What are the tutors looking for?

In addition to a very good academic record, tutors are keen to

see whether you appreciate the scope of scientific psychology
(1). They will also want to check whether you can evaluate
evidence (2), are able to consider issues from different
perspectives (3), have a capacity for logical and creative
thinking (4), appreciate the importance of empirical evidence
in supporting arguments (5), and could cope with the
quantitative demands of the course (6).
 Go to the course page for the subject
you’re applying for.
Admissions Criteria
Find the admissions criteria (e.g. search:
‘admissions criteria Medicine Oxford’)

Go through your personal statement and

highlight where you’ve met a criteria in
your statement
Have you missed any?
Have you ‘overdone’ some?
 Opening
• Must be received by College in November
“Studying both Chemistry and Biology at A-level
together I was drawn to the wonderful opportunity Paragraph
• Arts/Humanities subjects
• Think about your interests
presented by studying biochemistry at university. I
Example
• A piece of marked work submitted as part of
have been really drawn to the organic chemistry
A-Level
aspects of my current study and would relish the
• May be discussed at interview
opportunity to expand on these in a biochemistry
• www.ox.ac.uk/writwork
degree at Oxford. Biochemistry is the study of
chemical processes and ever since a young age this has
interested me. I have always been interested in the
genetic diseases and have a deep desire to help
people. Working in a deaf school gave me great
insight into the role of genetics in impairments like
this.”
 Personal Statement Editing: Openings

• Too long to say not very much

• A mixed understanding of what
the subject is at university
• Vague
• Too many hyperbolic adjectives
Personal Statement Editing: Openings

“Studying both Chemistry and Biology at A-level together I was drawn to

the wonderful opportunity presented by studying biochemistry at
university. I have been really drawn to the organic chemistry aspects of
my current study and would relish the opportunity to expand on these
in a biochemistry degree at Oxford. Biochemistry is the study of
chemical processes and ever since a young age this has interested me. I
have always been interested in the genetic diseases and have a deep
desire to help people. Working in a deaf school gave me great insight
into the role of genetics in impairments like this.”
Personal Statement Editing: Good Points

“Studying both Chemistry and Biology at A-level together I was drawn to

the wonderful opportunity presented by studying biochemistry at
university. I have been really drawn to the organic chemistry aspects of
my current study and would relish the opportunity to expand on these in
a biochemistry degree at Oxford. Biochemistry is the study of chemical
processes and ever since a young age this has interested me. I have
always been interested in the genetic diseases and have a deep desire to
help people. Working in a deaf school gave me great insight into the
role of genetics in impairments like this.”
 Effective Opening Paragraphs

Personal statement openings tend to follow a similar

format:
- Why you are excited about your subject?

- What you have done academically to show this?

- Keep it simple. Keep it short.

Personal Statement Editing: Opening Re-draft

“My first exposure to the concept of genetic disease was

whilst doing work experience at a deaf school. I found it
incredible that the assortment of four bases could have
such a tangible effect on health and development. This
sparked my curiosity in the theory of genetic mutation,
and was my first introduction to Biochemistry.”
Personal Statement Editing: Critical Thinking

“After reading John Donne's "The Flea", I was intrigued by his choice to
represent love for a woman through the conceit of a parasite, eating
away at himself. I saw this as an example of Donne's alleged misogyny
furthering the stereotype of women as "cruel and sudden", in contrast
to his predecessors who idealized and even worshipped them.
However, I think it is equally interesting to consider the view expressed
by Ilona Bell that Donne does not present the woman as singularly
cruel, but as being capable of independent thought and challenging
patriarchal authority, even if Donne himself viewed that in a negative
light and considered it a perversion of gender roles.”
 “I find human and cell biology interesting and
this inspired me to read 'Genome' by Matt
Ridley. It explained each chromosome and its
relationship to a part of human history or a
disease. The chapter on stress was especially
interesting, but what really intrigued me was
the section on cancer.

I read ‘The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a

Missing Hat’ by Oliver Sacks to improve my
Stepping understanding of the neurological aspect of
Stones illness.
 What looks really impressive is...
…taking your super- …or linking it to other
curricular activity and things your have done
saying what it made you or learned about.
think..

(Demonstrates critical (Using it as a stepping

thinking) stone)
 “Reading the book prompted me to listen to a Radio 4
series, Darwin: In Our Time, about how Darwin reached
his theory of evolution and how this was received by
19th century society. As well as reading seminal texts on
Biology, I have taken the opportunity to attend lectures,
at the Imperial College Festival and at a residential
course at Trinity College Cambridge, amongst other
events. I particularly enjoyed a lecture by science author
Kat Arney on genetics. It highlighted how much we don't
understand about the function of much of our DNA, and
expanded on what I had previously read in 'The Animal
Stepping Kingdom: A Very Short Introduction', by Peter Holland,
about embryological development and how DNA can
Stones code for the construction of a complex body plan.”
Biology
 1. Select something that you have
done.
2. What were you struck by? What
questions did it raise?
Example: Stepping Stone Scaffold 3. What did you do to find our
and re-draft more find out more?
4. What struck you about this?

“I find human and cell biology interesting and this inspired me to read 'Genome' by Matt Ridley
.(1) It explained each chromosome and its relationship to a part of human history or a disease.
The chapter on stress was especially interesting, but what really intrigued me was the section
on cancer.(2) This led to me reading 'The Emperor of All Maladies' by Siddhartha Mukherjee
which I enjoyed, as it included cases rather than just being a history of cancer.(3) The book
demonstrated how current treatments were developed and tested.(4) I also enjoy
documentaries such as Inside Birmingham Children's Hospital and Obesity: The Post Mortem,
and articles from BBC Health which have given me further insight into medical issues.”
Medicine
Personal Statement Feedback: Concise and Active

“Over the Summer I was delighted to be accepted

to attend Wadham College, University of Oxford’s
Human Science Summer School. During the
Summer School we attended lectures, used the
labs and did some group work to try and answer
‘What Makes a Human Unique?’. This was a
fantastic opportunity and gave me fresh insights
into the topic.”
Personal Statement Feedback: Good Points

“Over the Summer I was delighted to be accepted

to attend Wadham College, University of Oxford’s
Human Science Summer School. During the
Summer School we attended lectures, used the
labs and did some group work to try and answer
‘What Makes a Human Unique?’. This was a
fantastic opportunity and gave me fresh insights
into the topic.”
Personal Statement Feedback: Re-draft

“Attending the Human Sciences Summer School at Oxford

we examined what makes humans unique. I was struck
by the examples of chimpanzees and crows using tools
which challenged my assumption that tool use was
confined to our species. Inspired, I visited the
Smithsonian Human Origins catalogue of 3-d tool images
to explore early human tool use. This highlighted their
ingenuity and the parallels with both animal tools and
modern human technology.”
 Personal Statement Feedback: Concise and Active

“In Year 12 I was elected to be Head Girl of the school and

had to make speeches as part of my duties. I also had to
do this as a board member on the school charity
committee and school council where we raised money for
a local homeless organisation where we managed to raise
over £3,000. I am in the Air Cadets and have worked hard
to become a corporal which involved passing a lot of
strenuous tests including one about leading the group of
12 and giving feedback to them.”
 Personal Statement Feedback: Good Points

“In Year 12 I was elected to be Head Girl of the school and

had to make speeches as part of my duties. I also had to
do this as a board member on the school charity
committee and school council where we raised money for
a local homeless organisation where we managed to raise
over £3,000. I am in the Air Cadets and have worked hard
to become a corporal which involved passing a lot of
strenuous tests including one about leading the group of
12 and giving feedback to them.”
 Personal Statement Feedback: Re-draft

“Being Head Girl at high school, an Air Cadet and a

member of the Charity Committee and School
Council has involved being a supportive team
member and has nurtured my communication and
leadership skills.”
Personal Statement Feedback: Re-draft

“When I am not studying, I read a range of

different texts from dystopian fiction to sport
biographies. To stay healthy I have played hockey
since I was 10 and have now the honour of being in
the 1st team playing as a centre. I am a keen actor
and have been in Shakespeare's The Tempest at
school in the role of Miranda. I was also lucky
enough to be involved in the lighting of the school
production of Hairspray.”
Personal Statement Feedback: Re-draft

“When I am not studying, I read a range of

different texts from dystopian fiction to sport
biographies. To stay healthy I have played hockey
since I was 10 and have now the honour of being in
the 1st team playing as a centre. I am a keen actor
and have been in Shakespeare's The Tempest at
school in the role of Miranda. I was also lucky
enough to be involved in the lighting of the school
production of Hairspray.”
Personal Statement Feedback: Re-draft

“Outside academia, I enjoy reading, playing

hockey, and taking part in drama productions, both
on and off stage.”
 • If something isn’t needed to help the reader understand
the main theme, omit it.
Cormac McCarthy) • Keep sentences short, simple and direct. Minimize clauses,
compound sentences and transition words — such as
(fom author
Editing tips

‘however’ or ‘thus’ — so that the reader can focus on the

main message.
• Try to avoid jargon, buzzwords or overly technical language.
• Don’t use the same word repeatedly — it’s boring.
• Don’t over-elaborate. Only use an adjective if it’s relevant.
• Commas denote a pause in speaking. Speak the sentence
aloud to find pauses.
• When you think you’re done, read your work aloud to
yourself or a friend.
Top Editing Tips

Avoid Using “I find that studying the lives of

the Same people in the past is fascinating, and
Words I have recently become particularly
fascinated by the way that history is
effected by people’s perceptions and
biases. I also find it fascinating
that…”
Top Editing Tips

Avoid Using
the Same “Biology is a facsinating
Words discipline what help’s us to
understand our world and
Check spelling
wear it might be going.”
and grammar
Editing takes time. Make sure each sentence is doing work.
This February I attended a taster lecture at Oxford University focussing on the usefulness
of lasers in visualising nature (1,2). I was intrigued to see the role that technology plays
in being able to visualise things on a cellular level, particularly the role of fluorescence
(3). The ability to use adaptations from other organisms (e.g. the GFP gene from
Jellyfish) to see the inner workings of the cell, is incredibly powerful. Subsequently I
accessed the Cell Library Online to explore other examples of fluorescent labelling of cell
components, e.g. LipidTOX to visualise fat stores (5).

Attending a lecture at Oxford University on the usefulness of lasers I was intrigued by

the role of technology in viewing nature at a cellular level, particularly fluorescence. The
use of adaptations from other organisms (e.g. the GFP gene from Jellyfish) to see the
inner workings of the cell, is incredibly powerful. Subsequently, I used the Cell Library
Online to explore other examples of fluorescent labelling e.g. LipidTOX to visualise fat
stores.
Personal Statement: Re-cap

Some common things to edit:

• Meet the subject criteria

• Opening paragraph
• Critical Thinking
• Stepping stones
• Concise language
TRUE OR FALSE
1. Personal statements should start with an attention-grabbing sentence, which catches
FALSE the admissions tutors’ eye and makes them want to read on.

2. Giving specific details about activities you have done, and insights you have gained, is
TRUE more important than listing more activities.

3. The personal statement is about showing your personality so it should focus on your
FALSE hobbies and interests as opposed to your academic activities.

4. It is vital to outline a “lightbulb” moment – a one-off personal experience which gave

FALSE you your reason for wanting to study your chosen subject.

5. Personal statements should include a paragraph where you take a specific topic you are
TRUE interested in and analyse it in detail.
 Some common things
to edit:
• Meet the subject criteria
• Opening paragraph
• Critical Thinking
SUMMING •
•
Stepping stones
UP Concise language