MEEKIE It’s as

mad as a FREE

MONTHLY
Issue 6 July 2007
badger

SUMMER’S
HERE!*
* (for all readers in the Northern Hemisphere. For all readers in the Southern Hemisphere, please come back in six months)

INSIDE:
FREE Shiny happy
people, the
SICKNOTE beautiful
people, the
TRACK ordinary
people, Village
WITH THIS people,
Common
ISSUE!! People, and
(You’ll absolutely go lots of people
bonkers about it!) who really
shouldn’t be in
here.
Editor’s welcome meekiemonthly
Contact details:
meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk

Editor: Royston Butterscotch

Well July’s here and for us up

in the Northern Hemisphere, it
means only one thing– yes the
nights are drawing in already.
Summer’s been and gone (it was
last Tuesday afternoon in case
you missed it) and now we can
look forward to crisp autumn
evenings and Christmas.
Brenda, my surgically-
Cover girl: Kaylee from Cardiff
enhanced wife has other ideas
though– she’s out in the garden oiling up her Find us at www.meekiemonthly.com and
www.myspace.com/meekiemonthly
silicone wabbers; my 16 years old daughter has
taken the opportunity of an empty house to Meekie Monthly is a free
subscription-based E-Magazine.
show the lads from the pub her rack (isn’t it To subscribe, email meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk
great to see the youth of today being involved A small portion of our profit goes to Cancer
Research
in such civilised hobbies such as wine-tasting)
and young lad Timmy has set up his own www.meekiemonthly.com
business pushing hard-core drugs to the kids
on the local estate. It’s great to see
the entrepreneurial spirit in my kids. Royston
Have a great July. Editor MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 2
Contents Issue 6 July 2007

In this month’s Meekie Monthly: WRITERS WANTED

5. Interesting facts about Mr Blair
6. Celebrity Showdown– Politician Special
8. The BIG Interview– with a real life celebrity!
9. Letters page
We’re looking for writers to write for our
hallowed pages. You don’t need any experi-
ence– just the cheek to think that you’d be
good enough. Go on back yourself– drop us
a line at meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk

13. The Lads’ Page– learn how to moonwalk!

14. Rugby World Cup Preview Meekie Monthly
15. Boys Racers Special
16. Page 16
wishes Big Toe a
20. A Flowchart Thing I got confused doing lovely retirement
22. Fok knows and welcomes
22. Have a look yourself
24. Siop Meekie Monthly
whatsizface to the
26. Horoscopes office of Prime
28. Sport Minister for
edos to
I like to wear Spe London
eekie
work and read M
Monthly at home

Terry, Co. Antrim MEEKIEMONTHLY

MEEKIE Page 3
For our new readers….
(both of them) …..
ki e? Proper news like
mee Tapestry Goes West 2007

is a
Friday 10th – Sunday 12th August, 2007
Margam Park, Port Talbot, South Wales, SA13 2TH

hat £50 (inc. camping)

Early bird tickets can be bought before the end of

W April for £45

After years among the cowboys of Cornwall, last

year Tapestry Goes West went galloping off to
pastures medieval in Wales. And to great acclaim
This is a drawing of they did so too! Which is why the festival returns
this year with more of the same...only more so.
a meekie by a well- Taking place in a beautiful deer park near the
renowned artist golden sands of Porthcawl and the Mumbles
peninsular, Tapestry is set to be a highlight of
the summer festival season.
Sigh! Do we really have to go through
this every month? Margam Park in South Wales is situated at the
heart of the land of the dragon and the legend of
King Arthur and Camelot. This is why it’s a
For those of you who do not yet know, a meekie is a person with perfect setting for Tapestry’s mix of eclectic
a very large head, usually through no fault of their own. There is music and medieval-style fun. Musical treats
aplenty come from The Duke Spirit, The Hot
nothing wrong with these people. Meekie Monthly aims to Puppies, Radio Luxembourg, Clientele,
celebrate these amazing people and has been doing so since Threatmantics, The Poppies, Dexateens, The
1988. Research and Relands Palomino Company among many
others (full line-up listed below). Medieval
malarkey includes jousting from Europe's premier

This is a real-life team of brave horsemen, The Knights of Arkley, a

medieval village, plenty of mead and spontaneous
bouts of chivalry (anyone who knows me will know
photo of a meekie that I consider chivalry to be anything but
medieval, by the way).

There’s also a whole bunch of bands and other

silly, fun summer stuff yet to be confirmed so
Meekie Fact: Meekies can be found the whole check www.tapestrygoeswest.com regularly for
details.
world over– even in places like Holland
MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 4
 101 things you never knew
about Big Toe (the outgoing King of the United Kingdom
and its outlying territories)

You either love him or loathe him. But did you know that:

re m ember now.
95 4 . O r w a s it 19 5 2? Can 't
a g e of 1. A t th e age of eight,
ay, 1 the
la ir w as bo rn on Christmas D at he was able to talk posh atped quite spectacularly.
Southall B h meant th alls drop
1. Tony Neville nt to a very posh school whic se and at the age his 13, his b "Blair and Blairette". Their
o s d run around
2. Tony Blair we e a spoon on the end of his n circus.. Their stage name wa o was waiting to come on an
a h
he could balanc were both trapeze artists in and landed on an elephant w
n ts
3. Tony's pare cut short after Mrs Blair fell o ff
e nt o n to b e c o me gain one O
w
double act was l. To n y b e c am e Head Boy and
b oarding scho o n y was caught
in circles. s e nt o ff to en t ti ts u p . T o
17, Tony was b at Peacocks w hen I become Prime Minister,
4. At the age of . 7 8 af te r his jo
ry the UK in 19 shouting "W
Level in Cooke to become Prime Minister of s. He is famously quoted for ecurity.
5. Tony decided f caramel coloured men's briefescorted off the premises by s e coast of Scotland. His
stealing a pair oyou all get sacked" as he was fied island 60 miles north off th
I'll see to it that became an MP for an unclassi a puffin called Andy. fo r To n y to m ake his mark
e opportunit y
6. In 1982, Tony luded some storm petrels and dgeshire in 1989 opened up th
c
constituents in ed sacking of an MP in Cambri e MP for Sedgefield. ng on E dw ina "Egg Scare"
e ct d beca m sit ti
7. The unexp re d the contest, an ft office after the press found
him
in Englan d . H e e n te
J oh n M ajo r le "R ac e to B e come Prime
e Ministe r
8. In 1996, Prim a Cabinet meeting. h it th e U K . He entered th e
et m y re ve n ge on those bas-
t ality shows to . Now I can g
Currie' s face a s part of the one of the first re r. Tony said at the time "Good e back
9. Tony Blair wa ters installed him as the victo o st p e o p le ar e glad to see th
tm
Minister" and v s"
o
er th e 10 y ea rs. It seems tha st maybe.
e o v ci ister in
tards at Peacockd an up and down time in offic bit like Jade Goody, but less rafor him by the new Prime Min
10. Tony has ha ality they all love him really. A l retire to his new villa bought
of him, but in re own as PM on June 27. He wil
d
11. Tony steps wo Jabs" Prescott.
waiting, Joh n "T MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 5
 Politician Showdown

ave
V G-Ma
D n
n you Looks: Gordon
o k s d is a ppear whe 8/10 ’s just-got-out-o
f-bed look drive
v e ’s c h ild ish good lo women of the U
K wild with lust s the
Looks: Da 0 feet of him .
9/10
in 7 at an
stand with k e o n Paxman 0/10 Comic Talent:
Gordon’s impre
empts to ta 1 has the Labour ssions of Tomm
T a le n t: Dave’s att Party Conferenc y Cooper
Comic musing e in stitches
w w ere most a sed to
in te rvie
, b u t D a ve’s stylist u 0 9/10
is age 9/1 Hair: Brown’s
t b ad fo r a man of h in e h e a d . barnet has with
Hair: No dcoat at B
utlins, M will it last in his
new job?
stood the test of
time. But
a R e at
work a s
e critic s point out th 0 10/10
7. Som mber 1
a v e is a princely 6’ r, a s th e door to Nu /10 Height: Gordo
n’s portly shap
Height: D fo
iniste
r a Prime M e that bit up
9 candidate for th e makes him th
e new star of W e ideal
to o ta ll eebles -the Mo
this is lly, I mad
ft tall. Actua vie. 8/10
36/40
o n ly 4
is
Total:
Total: 36/40

It’s a draw! Hoorah!

MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 6
 hly
t
o ay!
n
ie Meaw
k v
ee e Gi
M e
Fr

MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 7
 Celebrity

L E D
EL
This month’ s special
guest is Mystic
Meg off

C STA NC ES

CAN FO R SEE
N C IR C U M
the film Groundhog Day?
twoooooooooo bin
days during my working

but I knew what was going to happen at the end

you have for tea last night?

U N Frogs

E TO and she’s When you get into a taxi on your own, do you get into the front or the back?

D U due to open a fete

in Richmond on the 7th July.
Neither

Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day?

Yes.
Her new book is out now, but it’s so
mysterious, no-one knows the name of it. What's your favourite aisle in Kwik Save?
I prefer the cereal aisle

MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 8
 M eeki e M o n t h l y . . . . Pop-not-tastic Palav

Dear
a

Have you seen that

rs pa g e. . c os we s ay so popcorn Royston ol
new advert for Orville
Redenbachers

Your favourite lette

d chap?
I don't know about yo
u, but I reckon that
home a DVD for his if a man forgot to br
expectant wife and ing
and age, it would m young Tommy in thi
Crap Coppers Conundrum ore likely end in divor s day
proceedings, than in ce and court
a twee finger puppet
What is it with the police? Why do Wars' performance of 'Star
Middle Finger Mayhem they think that they know it all?
I was driving to work yesterday, Bloody marketeers
people
Why is it that middle-aged doing my knitting as I always do.
iddle
feel the need to use their m All of sudden, this cop flies up Yours
mobile
fingers when texting from a behind me, flashing his lights and
Richard of Yates
e their hooting at me. I tried to ignore
‘phone? Why can’t they us him in case I dropped a stitch, so Ya tes
le? I
thumbs like us normal peop he drew up alongside me and
es them
exasperate at this as it mak motioned to me to wind down the
their
look very incompetent with window.
t that
hand held devices. I sugges “Pullover” he says.
Female Driving Disgrace
e
the Government provide fre “No. It’s a scarf”
r to my
middle to Why don’t they read up on the rning on the M4, I looked ove
training courses for these facts before they go mouthing off
Driving to the office this mo
wa s a wo ma n in a brand new BMW doing
90 mph
right and there eye-
elderly people. to use mortals? with her face up clo se to he r rear view mirror putting on her
Timmy, email liner! back
of seconds and when I looked
(aged 4) Ranger Barth I looked away for a couple ma keu p!!
lane still working on that
Canada she was halfway over in my , wh ich
t I dropped my electric shaver
It shocked me so much tha con ion
fus
of my other hand! In all the
knocked the bacon roll out the
car using my knees against
Your Magazine Is A of trying to straighten out the ear , wh ich fell into
Pile mobile from my
of Rubbish steering wheel, it knocked my and bur n on the
causing it to splash
the coffee between my legs, de me drop
I would like to compla me to scream, which ma
in about the quality of meat and two veg, causing N-
magazine, expecting this magazine. I signe , ruined my shirt and DISCO
to get a proper read
ab
d up for this the cigarette out of my mouth
I shall be writing to m out proper things. CALL!!!!!!
y local MP when he ge NECTED AN IMPORTANT
shall badger him to ge ts his arse round to his
t this publication bann office, and I
ed. It’s rubbish .
Blydi women drivers!
Gordon,
email Timmy
Bridgend (near Maesteg) MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 9
Bikini Parade Back Issues
We had loads of entries We’ve got lots of back issues of Meekie Monthly

for our Bikini Parade. But

WINNER left. We’ve been doing Meekie Monthly since
1988, but we only launched the electronic
sadly, there are winner version back in March
2007. We think you’ll
and losers in all aspects find that we’re getting
of life, and there can only bigger and
be one winner. This better every month.

month, it’s Meekie If you’ve missed out on

Monthly reader Jonathan the earlier issues, fear
not– you can order them, free of charge, from
Cox from Swansea! us. I think we’re a bit
He hasn’t won anything too good to you, but
and I’m not even sure then we think that in
this day and age, you
what the rules were but deserve something for
he’s still won anyway! Jonanthan Cox free.
This is me on the Welsh
Well done Mr Cox! island of Magaluf
All you need to do is
email us at
I’ve been reading Meekie Monthly now since I don’t
know when. My favourite page is the Celebrity meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk, requesting which
Interview and I hope that one day, I’ll be deemed issue you want. We’ve got them all from March
famous enough to be asked to do it. Until then, I’m onwards. Think– they might be worth something
going down to Sarthend for a noliday. Safe. in a few years’ time. Probably not though.

Gordon Brown, Prime Minister

MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 10
 Get noticed

Even in small business, image is everything

Press releases · web page content · sales letters · newsletters ·

advertisements · advertorials · brochures · feature writing

www.beacon-media.co.uk

MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 11
 Advertisement

Ginger
Person
of the
Month
Every month, Meekie
Monthly celebrates those
wonderful ginger people
Award
by giving them an award.
Aren’t we nice?

Name: Cécile Corbel

Why I like being ginger: I like being a red
hair because I feel different and because it reminds
me my Celtic backgrounds...I'm from Brittany in
France (Celtic region at the very west of France with
beautiful landscapes like Ireland)

Cécile will be playing in Wales at the

Rainbow Spirit Enlightenment Fayre
on the 9th, 10 and 11th August
(www.www.rainbowspiritenlightenme
ntfayre.org.uk)
Her latest album, Songbook 1 is also
available from her website
(www.cecile-corbel.com)
MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 12
 a boy racer !! How to MoonWalk
i ew
We inter v
Step 1. Find a pair of low grip shoes you could try to do it in
a s t c a n you drive? your socks to start off with.
f
MM: How
fast. Step 2. Make sure that the ground you use to practise to
Boy: Quite ur exhaus
t? moonwalk on is also not too grippy, try and find a polished
b ig ’s yo
MM: How floor.
in ‘uge.
Boy: Fokk n yo u play your Step 3. Stand with both feet close to each other, left foot
loud c a slightly ahead of the right (toes of right should be in line with
MM: How half the left foot)
ic?
shite mus Step 4. Now raise the heel of the right foot so that you are
loud.
Boy: Ver y got? standing on the front of the right foot as if you are taking a
h a t c a r have you step. The left foot must stay where it is (take care not to move
MM: W va. it).
: A V a uxhall No .
B oy
fo r s p e a king to us Step 5. As you lower the heel of the right foot, lean all your
ks
MM: Than weight on the right foot, and drag back the left foot to so that
bro. its toes are in line with the heel of the right foot. The left foot's
Boy: Safe heel must be slightly off the ground at this stage. As you drag
I’m going down the back, do not push down on the left foot at all or it will not
fokkin offy for glide. Make sure as you lower the heel of the right foot
(slowly) the left moves at an equal speed. This will need lots
some Lambert &
of practice to master the right speed.
Butler. You want
anything? I cooda Step 6. Keep practicing up to the above steps until you can
got some off my make the movement subconsciously without any difficulty.
mate down the pub
but I’m not old Step 7. Once you have mastered that, "kick" outwards with
the left foot, but although not quite touching the ground, make
enough to go in
it look as if it is touching. Move it out a foot-size's worth away
there. Safe. from the toes of the right. No part of the left foot should be
raised higher than another.

Step 8. After you make your left foot move so it is at the

starting position, lift up the heel once more of the right foot.

d s’ Page
Make sure the left leg is bent at the knee. Now repeat step 5.

The La
Keep practicing until you have the whole thing figured out,
and it has been verified by others, and you feel quite comfort-
able with it. You should eventually get that gravity-defying

MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 13
Balls * Bad Ass Cars * BO * Boobs
 Rugby World Cup Preview
Rugby is a complicated game. In a recent study, over 90% of professional In a new series,
players said that they did not understand most of the rules. Worringly, an Meekie Monthly
alarming 96% of referees said the same. This month, Meekie Monthly
introduces the ‘front row’, and what they should be doing
counts down to the
Rugby World Cup
Hooker (no. 1) this
The hooker is the poor blighter who gets stuck The Props (No 1 or 3)
right in the middle of a scrum. He’s also sup- There are two props in every team,
September by
posed to throw the ball into the lineout, but the tight-head and the loose-head. In looking at the
due to constant neck compression in the theory, this relates to which side of
scrum affecting their hand/eye co-ordination), the hooker and they ‘prop’ him up at various tactics used
most hookers couldn’t hit a barn door from the scrum. That’s all they have to do by the world’s
two feet away in the game and the position requires
Gerrof me you animal no running or jumping teams.

Second Row (No 4 & 5)

No.8 (no. 8)
The No. 8 is there to
secure the scrum and
to run at people,
hopefully trampling all
over their opponents
and leaving
studmarks on lots of
faces
Sometimes called locks, these
guys jump up for the ball in the
lineout. Typically, they are over Hi. My name’s
6’10 and you can spot them Vincent and as
thanks to the bandages they tape you can see, I’m
double -jointed
around their ears. This is to pre-
vent their ears from being ripped
off when the leave the scrum too
quick to accidentally knock the
ball on
MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 14
 y Gu ide to
e Mon th l
eek i
The M
y Racers
Bo ho
– tho se im m ature dickheads w
Racers r shite-looking ca
rs.
ow w ha t yo u’r e thinking– Boy s ehol es in thei
We kn e ar
g b et te r to do than drive lik t!
have nothin
w ha t? You ’d be absolutely righ little shits.
And do you know the low down these annoyi
ng
g yo u
So we’re bringin
MEEKIE 1

The Driver get

ge , m o st of them grow up and
betw e en 17 -2 5. After this a
h av e low -paid jobs and have
Usually aged allie s’
a de ce n t ca r an d a job. Most ‘sc pe ns iv e hobby, they eit
her
the m s el ves nanc e th e ir ex
b udget money. To fi
no ide a h ow to
th ei r par ents to fund them.
or ask
take large loans

The Car
te re o th e m o st impo rtant element
The S Car Entertainme
nt) is nd
ICE as it’s know n (I n
n a st er eo w it h a very fancy (a
boy racers will ow eral months, the
boy
of the car. Most al is er . Aft er s ev
ss) graphic equ stereo with a larg
er
ultimately pointle vo ur of an o th er
their stereo in fa
racers will ditch
graphic equaliser
display.
like sh ou ld b e a ble to hear a boy
home owners a , thanks in part to
the
Pedestrians and of o ve r a m ile
o from a distance sub-woofer
racer’s car stere
MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 15
 G u ide to
ie Mo nthly
e M eek rs
Th
ace
Boy R
MODS to
od ifi ca ti on s’ , m ods are designed WANK
SHIT
E 1

Short for ‘m an d le a nd so un d better.

ok, h
make the cars lo t b oy racers can only
ly , a s m os
Unfortunate al d s burger with fries,
their
a M cD on
engineer up lts in hilarious
m p ts to ‘d o th e ca r up ’ on ly re su
hil a ri o u s s o u nds made by a
atte the
lts . H er e ar e th e most common: D U M P V A V L ES– These are n g e g e a r, s o u nding all the
resu ha
of m et al 1 .1 V a u x h a ll Nova as they c t’s a ir b ra k e s. Some are
piece rna u g
H A U S T – M o st of us have a cheap e en gi ne w o rl d fo r s o me huge jugge a r th a t p ro d u ce a whooshin
EX om th ec
ta k es th e e xh a ust gases away fr er y s im p ly s p e a kers fitted to th
that ave v
fr o m th e car. Boy racers h noise. Honest.
and aw ay s the exhaust
si ve p ie c es o fm et a l th at ta ke
th e ca r. d to h ig h li g h t the fact that
exp en from ign e
m th e engine and away R J E T NEONS– Des
gas es a w ay fr o
so un di ng m o re like a ti nn y W A S H E
a s … .erm … .. washer jets.
e car h
This results in th su pposed to the boy racer
th er th an th e mon st er ca r it’s
h av in g a h a v e s p o tt e d these– lights
fart ra rs ar e ay
d lik e. T h e ex h aust manufacture p o sa ble U N D E R C A R NEONS– You m e it the impression of
soun igh d is to giv
da y ex p lo it in g the boy racers’ h th a t a p p e a r under the car e ir w o rth when the A
A is
field t, these p ro v e th
floating. In fac side.
income. a nd fix th e c ar by the road
y
th e cheap £20 called out to tr
Y W H E E L S– T he s e ra n ge fr o m
ge t b o y ra ce rs ju st as most of
ALLO expensive ones
that Insurers despis
e
ey’re a high
n s, to th e m e ga IN S U R A N C E – re a s on to – th
versio ood
d af te r a fe w d ays on the car. u s d o . B u t th ey have very g p ro b le m b y n ot declaring all
nicke this ims you may
es e a re ri s k . B o y ra c ers get round o id in g a n y c la
here do we start?
Th ly v
IT – O h de a r. W e ca r th e ir m o ds – and effective
BODY K
pl as ti c th at ar e stuck onto th o f
a in s t th em if they hit you.
moulded bits of th er ca r. A better car us
ually. have ag
love ‘em?
to make it look lik e a no Don’t you just

MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 16
 nv er sat i on w ith a By Josie Henley
Co
Machine
w a s ke p t o n th e phone in
y Alys: What?

e p is od e s : La st month, Josie Henle w a s a va ilability at

In pre v io us if th er e
she waited to see
Josie: She’s gone.

ail-b iting cliff-ha ng er a s

ta ke s he r co nv er sation with ‘The
an o tel. This week, she Alys: Try again. Try for two nights.
T ra v eldo dg e H
Wembley’s table climax
’ to its u nfor get Josie: Ok. 08701911966
Machine dg e W embley Ho te l, but there are spac
es avail-
oice.
ty in Traveldo s from your first ch Machine: Thank-you for…
ere is no availabili ro-point-eight mile
Lisa: I’m sorry, th nd on Park Ro ya l, wh ich is ze
this booking will be
one-hundred
aveld od ge Lo e total co st of
able in Tr l charge. Th Josie: One
site at an additiona
There is parking on would you like to book this?
ds,
and sixty five poun Machine: I’m Lisa. I’m the voice of Traveldodge. By speaking to me, you’ll gain access to
our best rates normally available via our website. Do you know the name of the Travel-
Josie: What? dodge where you want to stay?

Alys: What? Josie: WEMBLEY

t on the website!
t it sa id tw en ty-six pounds a nigh
Josie: Bu Lisa: So you’d like to stay in Traveldodge Wembley Hotel. Is that right?
book this room?
did n’t ca tch tha t. Would you like to
Lisa: I’m sorry, I r parking. Josie: Yes… Tuesday the eighteenth of April…Two… Yes… Two… One… Non-smoking.
e po unds , wh ich doesn’t include ca
and sixty fiv
Josie: A hundred s room? Lisa: Great! So you want to book a non-smoking room at Traveldodge Wembley Hotel, for
tch tha t. Wou ld you like to book thi two adults and one child, arriving on Tuesday the eighteenth of April to stay for two nights.
didn’t ca
Lisa: I’m sorry, I Is that right?
night!
enty-six pounds a
Alys: But it said tw Josie: Yes.
I said.
Josie: That’s what ? Lisa: Great, just a moment while I check availability…
e to book this room
, I did n’t ca tch that. Would you lik
Lisa: I’m sorry Josie: She’s checking availability.
u want to book it? speak to a call
Josie: Well, do yo lties. If you wish to Alys: Fingers crossed.
l di ffi cu
ving te ch nica ek. Alterna-
so rry , I did n’ t catch that. I’m ha am and eig ht pm any day of the we
Lisa: I’m tween eight Lisa: I’m sorry, there are no non-smoking rooms available for those dates. But there is a
r lines are open be
representative, ou . Go odbye. smoking room available. Would you like to book this room?
our website
tively you could try
s sake!
Josie: Oh for fok’
MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 17
 Lisa: Great! So you want to book a smoking room at Traveldodge Wembley Hotel, for two adults
a and one child, arriving on Tuesday the eighteenth of April to stay for two nights. Is that right?
shall we have
oking rooms,
ro o m? A l, no non-sm Josie: Yes.
oking
Josie: A sm
m? m?
smoking ro o ook this roo
at . W o uld you like to b Lisa: To start the booking, I will need the surname you would like the booking under. Could you
catch th
rry, I didn’t state and spell your surname now.
Lisa: I’m so mily rooms?
en’t an y no n-smoking fa
There ar are already Josie: Henley-Einion, H-E-N-L-E-Y-hyphen-E-I-N-I-O-N
Alys: What? -s moking rooms
th e n on
eans that all
robably it m Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.
Josie: No, p
m?
booked. ook this roo
at . W o uld you like to b Josie: I bet you didn’t.
catch th
rry, I didn’t
Lisa: I’m so
Lisa: I need to hear something like ‘Jones, J-O-N-E-S’.
ust.
then, if we m
Alys: Go on
Josie: Henley-Einion, H-E-N-L-E-Y-hyphen-E-I-N-I-O-N
Josie: Yes.
Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. I need to hear something like ‘Jones, J-O-N-E-S’.

Josie: Henley-Einion, H-E-N-L-E-Y-hyphen-E-I-N-I-O-N

Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. I need to hear something like ‘Jones, J-O-N-E-S’.

Josie: HENLEY-EINION, H-E-N-L-E-Y-E-I-N-I-O-N

Alys: Oh that’s just typical.

Josie: Too right.

Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. I need to hear something like ‘Jones, J-O-N-E-S’.

Josie: Yes well if I had a name like Jones, J-O-N-E-S, then maybe my life would be so much eas-
ier.

Alys: What?

If you have been affected by any of the issues in
this story, please call the Samaritans on 08457 909090. Press option 1,
then 4, then 2, then hold for 20 minutes before being disconnected
Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. I’m having technical difficulties. If you wish to speak to a call
representative, our lines are open between eight am and eight pm any day of the week. Alterna-
tively you could try our website. Goodbye.

MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 18
 Advertise here for
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MEEKIE Page 19
 How easily confused are you?
Let Meekie Monthly decide whether you’re a ...

START HERE
Were you
Are you easily yes Have you ever Were you allowed allowed to
confused? stayed up past to stay out as long drink
yes
10pm? as you wanted? no Baby-
cham?
no no
yes no
Jog on. You’re a yes Can you play the Was it nice? yes
waste of time piano?

Had you eaten a Did you get off

yes
no large meal your tits?
no
before hand?
Are you easily yes
Why not? no
confused?
no
no
Did you sleep
That’s what party with someone
no
animals do. yes you shouldn’t yes
Congratulations Did you regret it? have?
yes

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20
 ’s Gui de to
Mo nth ly
Meeki e
rb eq ues
Ba
There’s nothing better than a good
old British barbeque is there? But
The Grub
they’re always best if someone else The food is the least
is doing the dirty work. If you’re important thing to think
sad loner like I am, then here’s about when it comes to
your guide to barbequing. a barbeque. Some
Remember chums– the bigger the people make the mistake
burger, the bigger the barbeque of worrying too much
needs to be. Good luck. about the food, when in
reality, they’ll overlook the food for the drink.

The Clobber
Just get one from Argos. Any
one will do. Just get one. Ok?
The Beer
The main event of any barbeque. You simply cannot
drink enough of this at any barbeque. It helps soothe
away those troubles and can help you relax as you
sizzle the sausages. Remember though, that drinking
more than 1 gallon may affect the way that you are
able to converse with your friends. It is a good way
however, of regurgitating your food for later, so that
you don’t have to spend so much on burgers etc.
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 21
 When it comes to being

h a nd sa fe ty careful, are you careful or are

How h e al t you not very careful.

Let Meekie Monthly decide

u s are yo u ? with this super quiz

co ns c io
t w aiti n g fo r th eir burgers. Do
tien
yo u r g u es ts ar e becoming impa
and
Yo u r b a rb eq ue refuses to light a b lo w -to rc h to give it a ‘bit of a
1. with
u ? s o f fir el ig h te rs before blasting it
yo 20 pack arcoals and some
ch uc k o n a ga llon of petrol and at ly a rr an ge d ch
a) ne
rk ’? se n si b le p ro po rt ion of firelighters,
spa ga
nt ly co ax th e fla mes to life by usin
b)ge
?
kindling? ng your mate’s Zippo
ke yo ur bu rg er s on e b y on e u si
to ha ve a ba th, and to wash and
c) ba utes
cl ub , b ut y ou ’v e only got 5 min
the
u ’r e in a ru sh to go out sown
2. Yo cks?
dry your hair. Do
you?
th a nd m u lti-ta sk like a bastard? k o ut an d d ryin g your beautiful lo
ryer into the ba bac
a) take the haird r bi ts a qu ic k sw ill, before jumping
bath, giving you .
b) jump into the t- th in gs ar e g etting a bit too wild
t ou
c) cancel your nigh u? the
th e ro of of yo ur house. Do yo g th e ca t a nd leaping down into
te d a stray cat on ld , before collect in Hi. My name’s
Yo u ’v e s p ot ld Ll o yd w ou
3.
si de of yo u r h ou se like Haro r de sc e nt ? e ro of an d sa fe ly Derek and I’m
a) scale the wy ou f th
iled hankie to slo lance, tumbles of
Meekie
n ot h in g b ut a so so th at it lo se s ba
garden using
Monthly’s
n a ir ri fle , ju st cl ipping its ear so m e st ri ng ?
b) shoot the cat w
ith a
e m ad e fr o m a n old quilt and Health and
cher devic Safety advisor
into your Cat Cat
igade?
c) call the fire br you?
ke ep s g e tt in g in your eyes. Do
d
u r fr in g e is g e tting a bit long an
4. Yo
w to it?
a) take a chainsa l?
oo th e it d ow n with some olive oi B ria n’ cr ea te s th at ‘just you’ look?
b) sm ndy
si t yo ur lo ca l ha ir salon where ‘Be
c) vi MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 24
 20
fa t w om an ’s be en in the shitter for over
me
S pa in . Yo u’ re bu st ing for the loo but so
to
5. You’re on a flight
minutes. Do you? re lie ve yourself over Fran
ce?
wi nd ow. Over France.
ne ar es t ex it an d ou t of an op en
a) open the then tip
r ho st es s fo r a pl as tic cup which you can
b) ask the ai
c) piss your pants? you?
ur Co rn et to fa lls in to the enclosure. Do
s, yo
o, an d as yo u le an over to see the tiger int, be fo re sn at ch ing the Cornetto befo
re
l zo Strong M
6. You’re at your loca s with an Trebor Extra ?
e, di st ra ct in g th e tig er
nc e, back to your friends
a) climb over the fenc tiger and sc aling th e fe
e approaching female
neatly side-stepping th
keeper?
b) tell the nearest zoo-
?
c) buy a new Cornetto
cal
an el ec tri ci ty py lo n. Do you rin g the va rio us ha zard signs and the vo
7. Your Frisbee land
s on d igno
ow in g Ha ro ld Ll oy d- esque like qualities an
it, sh
a) climb up and get d below?
concerns of your frien
poke it ou t w ith a 30 ft metal pointy stick?
b)
c) Call the fire brigade?
u? d
w or k on fo r an ot he r half an hour. Do yo fo re pr om pt ly wh ip ping on your jacket an
u to urs be
8. Your boss asks yo an d sa fe ty im pl ic at ions of working long ho
alth
a) remind him of the he fo re pr om pt ly wh ipping on your jacket an
d
? urs be
legging it out the door an d sa fe ty im pl ic at ions of working long ho
alth
b) remind him of the he fo re pr om pt ly w hi pp ing on your jacket and
? urs be
legging it out the door an d sa fe ty im pl ica tio ns of working long ho
alth
c) remind him of the he
?
legging it out the door

s d safety conscious
re not very he al th and safety consciou not very heal th an
Mostly As- you’ ous or
re ne ither ve ry he al th and safety consci
Mostly Bs- you’ al th an d safety conscious
re ve ry he
Mostly Cs- you’
MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 23
 Meekie Monthly
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MEEKIE Page 24
ADVERTISEMENT

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MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 25
 Hor osc ope s with Enog

ARIES ily’s disowned

Mar 21 - Apr 20 go ne on ho ls wit h their friends, your fam
rtner’s up on
e on yo ur ow n this month Aries. Your pa is gives yo u the ide al opportunity to catch
You’r days. Th le and
ev en the dog’s ou t walking himself these tig hte ning that sc rew on the saucepan hand
you– chain,
hing that sink plug to its life eh?
those odd jobs– reattac casiona l table in the living room. This is the
all oc
hovering under that sm

TAURUS – they’re
r 21 - Ma y 21 s to be a prob lem with the rabbit population
Ap em a hit
ve int o a new field this month but there se priva cy yo u long for . Farmer Giles sends in
You mo ord you the don’t you think?
place and it doesn’t aff of a boring horoscope
shagging all over the d wipes the m ou t. Bit
nce Philip rides in an
squad of foxes but Pri

GEMINI l you to sort your

May 22 - Jun 22 h yo u? Cr ack yo ur heads together and tel s of
do wit ans that you’ll have lot
e sig n of the tw ins . What are we going to this mo nth, wh ich me
Th ur chart
into your food part of yo
lives out. Mars moves unds . Fat knacker.
te. W hic h me an s piling on the po
chocola

CANCER ver got out of

June 23 - July 23 it so mu ch trouble, you wish you’d ne
brings with ily will get
mo ves int o your house this month and bu rned ou t, then nicked and all your fam
Pluto car gets cope by
For a start, yo ur ho use burns down, your ho we ve r, I am prep aring to do Leo’s horos
bed. y be aware
y by aliens. As you ma you? Good.
hovered up into the sk as I can. You do understand that don’t
mu ch
putting yours down as

LEO h the pressure.

ly 24 - Au g 23 e just the kind of person who can deal wit you.
Ju you’r er star sign wants to be
gh being at the top every month Leo, but Th at’s wh y ev ery oth
It’s tou , it’s you.
t through a tough month
If anyone’s going to ge

VIRGO s, you’ll need to

Aug 24 - Sep 23 really should give it up now. For male Virgo
u
been trying to grow– yo
That beard that you’ve Se e you next month eh?
ready for a very boring month.
get

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 26
 Hor osc ope s with Enog

Prince
d to ta lk to. You’ll meet
ren’t that ba . It could be
LIBRA sk et c hy o ut ward looks, a d pe n to ge t his autograph
23 spite their me paper an
Sept 24 - Oct fo r L ibrans, who de be sure to take along so
m o nt h thing.
Not a bad ird re ssers on 17th
, so
k o f th e month– any
th e ha y d rin
Charles in s king. Luck
th a b it w he n he become
wor id and you
ap pe ns th is month I’m afra
ctly what h e– Daisy.
SCORPIO ie ce o f you. W hich is exa nl ucky cow nam
- N o v 22 s w a nt a p yo u ou t. U
Oct 24
o sexy, that e
ven animal nside to bail
S co rp io . S su re yo u ’v e got granny o
Sexy ell. Make
t in the local c
spend a nigh
ted on
S w rite of f Ju ly and get star
SAGITTAR IU were you, I'd
23 - D ec 21 h S ag itt a riu s. In fact, if I
Nov t this mo nt
to shout abou
Nothing much
nth early.
August a mo
here'll be
n d so m e bad days. T
CAPRIC O R N d ay s a days that
an 20 ne . T her e 'll be some good th e ba d da ys and some
Dec 22 - J re better than
d month in Ju e days that a says.
or ns ca n e xpect a varie th at ar e m or t’s w hat the chart
Capric m e d a ys bu t th a
between and
so last month,
some days in r d a ys. I kn ow I said this
te
r than the bet
will be badde

AQUARIUS
19
Jan 21 - Feb
you too.
That goes for to start
mea n s that you will have
ur chart. It feelings
PISCES
2 0 th e a rr ival of Venus in yo reful no t to hurt anyone’s
Feb 20 - Ma r month with ca
lot of love this g either. Be
n ex p ec t a h wo ul d n’ t be a bad thin
Pisces ca g your teet
in g aga in a n d also brushin
wash ick
ut h was h sh ould do the tr
though– m o

x t mon th ’s hor os copes

Next month: ne
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 27
Sport
We did have a very exciting sports story for you
this month, but my dog ate it. If it comes out in
some sort of legible form, we’ll send it to you in
the post. Honest.

MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 28