6 Personality traits to admire and acquire

I’ve written numerous articles and posts on difficult people, personalities and relationships:
Everything from Manipulative Marys to Bullies in the workplace to people who break boundaries
to toxic relationships.  Let’s face it:  In life, we come across all kinds!  As humans, we often
focus on those who are negative or toxic leaving it difficult to appreciate those who are positive
and healthy.  Seeking out individuals with healthy, positive traits, however, may do a lot of
good.  The more we can surround ourselves with those who are positive and healthy, the more
we may model those positive behaviors.

If you really think about it, once in awhile you come across a person who knocks you off your
socks…legitimately.  Maybe they have a fantastic outlook on life, even during difficult times. 
Maybe they are really humble, although they are extremely gifted.  Maybe they make you feel
special.  All of these are good.

Below, I've listed some of the traits I admire most in people.  Although I could probably list a
dozen characteristics, I thought I’d list those that seem to be the rarest or most difficult to find.

1. Selflessness: In a world where many people don’t have the time or the interest in
others, selflessness is a quality that seems to be less and less common.  People can be
selfless in the time they give, the ability to listen, their level of patience and the love that
they give.  Those who are giving and generous in nature have the power to make others
feel loved, appreciated and special.  While those who are self-absorbed tend to do the
exact opposite.
2. Tolerance: Those people who are tolerant make us feel comfortable with who we are
and special as individuals.  All of us are different, and many of us have quirks and
idiosyncrasies.  After all, these differences make the world go round.  Having the ability
to accept people for who they are and not expect them to be who we want them to be is
important in life, happiness and in the health of our relationships.
3. Genuineness: Having the ability to be real, authentic and honest is unique in a world
where we put so much emphasis on the superficial.  Feeling comfortable in one’s skin
and being true to one’s self is one of the most beautiful traits one can possess.  To have
a REAL relationship with someone requires honesty…it requires hearing and giving input
or feedback that may not always be popular…it means having the strength to tell it like it
is and to not be afraid to face the consequences for doing so…it means loving people for
who they really are…deep down…and not for what they appear to be.
4. Sensitivity: So often we are focused on what is important to ourselves that we can
forget about those around us.  Those who are sensitive are often thoughtful, appreciative
and loving, in a way that makes you feel understood, valued and respected.  Often,
sensitive people are also self-aware, making them mindful of how they impact others
with what they do and say.
5. Integrity: Call me cynical, but I think this characteristic is especially difficult to find.  In a
time when people will do things that are underhanded to make an extra buck (Bernie
Madoff…can you hear me?), expose their personal lives to the public so they can be
famous (balloon boy’s dad and any other reality TV mongers) and do what feels good in
the moment without necessarily thinking of the consequences (Tiger Woods), integrity is
a characteristic that is especially unique today.
6. Humility: Whether someone is super-smart, extremely talented or drop-dead gorgeous,
there is something extra special about them if they don’t come across as though they
 know it all the time.  Humility in those that possess extraordinary traits make others feel
special too.

Oh boy the list could go on!  What characteristics do you admire in others?  Are there any that
you want to cultivate?

Originally published on Sheer Balance

The Importance of Self-Awareness

No one is perfect.  We all have our “quirks” and unique personalities, and sometimes these can
even make us cute, special or endearing to many.  However, some “quirks” are a bit less
attractive, and when they are, self-awareness is somewhat critical in either improving upon them
or managing their impact on others.

That being said, many people aren’t self-aware or aren’t self-aware ALL of the time.  Maybe it is
someone at the gym who thinks that all of the equipment is his or her very own and doesn’t like
to share.  Or, maybe it is a family member who believes that they are always right and that the
rest of the world is wrong.  Or, maybe you work with a colleague who just doesn’t have any
sense of how they bully others.  Some of these people can produce continual toxicity in our
lives, while others may cause only a momentary frustration.  Whoever or whatever the case may
be, these people are among us.

But why is self-awareness so important?  It makes us better people.  Here’s why:

1. Empathy. Having the ability to see when we are wrong or when we have made a mistake
allows us to see other peoples’ perspectives and to be empathetic to their situation or their
feelings.
2. Admission. Have you noticed when people aren’t self-aware, it is very difficult for them
to apologize or admit that they are wrong?  Often, these people can’t even SEE that they
are wrong in the first place.  They tend to think that they are always right and if
something doesn’t work out as planned, it is always someone else’s fault.
3. Man in the Mirror. If we can acknowledge our flaws, we can make positive change to
improve upon them.  Knowing is half the battle…and if you can admit to the qualities
that are less than stellar about yourself…you can change them or improve upon them.
4. Tolerance. When you can see your own faults, it is easier to accept others’.
5. Humility. Understanding that we ourselves are not perfect allows us to get off our high-
horses.  Further, know we can always be better and as a result, can be thankful for the
good that does come our way.
6. Likability. Let’s face it:  No one likes a know-it-all or an individual who thinks they are
always right.  Having the ability to see other peoples viewpoints, to be open and flexible,
and acknowledge that you are not the only person who has the answer makes you a more
attractive person.

So how self-aware are you?  Here are a few questions to ask:

 1. Do you listen to others during a conversation?  Or, do you tend to do a lot of the talking?
2. Do you ask others how they feel about situations?  Or, do you make assumptions based
on your own feelings?
3. Do you think about how your actions affect others?  Or, are you confident that others are
fine with how you handle situations?
4. Are you aware of other people’s social cues?  Or, do you mostly focus on your own?
5. Can you admit when you are wrong, and have apologized when you are?  Or, do you tend
to think that things are wrong or go bad because of others?

If you answered yes to most of the first questions in each pair, you are most-likely self-aware.  If
you answered yes to most of the second questions in each pair, you probably could afford to tune
into other people’s reactions and do some inner reflecting.

Self awareness gives you the ability to be open, thoughtful and aware of how you impact others. 
It is one of the best and most valuable qualities you can have!  Do you think you are self-aware? 
Have you met others who aren’t?  How did they make you feel?

Out of Bounds: Dealing with People Who Break Boundaries

Most people have a sense of what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to respecting
boundaries.  However, we are bound to find individuals who don’t.  These people are abusive…
and if we don’t deal with them properly, they will continue to break boundaries time and time
again.

As much as we strive for healthy relationships, we inevitably encounter individuals who are
bullies, toxic or just plain manipulative. Some of these people KNOW what they are doing, but
often, most “just don’t get it:”  They have little-to-no self-awareness and feel that they are fully
entitled or appropriate in their behavior.  And what’s worse is that they frequently get away with
it because others don’t stand up to them.  This enables boundary breakers and convinces them
that their behavior is acceptable.  Here’s a news flash: It ISN’T.

The best thing you can do is firmly establish boundaries.  You’ll feel better about yourself and
your relationship.  Further, you won’t have to succumb to their inappropriate behavior over and
over again:

1. Know Who You Are Dealing with: The first step in this process is to identify those
individuals who don’t respect your boundaries.  Doing so will keep you on the look-out
for times that boundaries need to be reinforced or put into place.
2. Tune-in: Start paying attention to how these people typically break boundaries.  Some
questions to ask: Are they pushy?  Do they ask questions you feel uncomfortable
answering?  Do they discuss things with you that are inappropriate?  Do they disregard
your wishes or needs?  Do they always prioritize their needs before yours?
3. Trust Your Gut: If you aren’t sure as to whether or not a boundary is being broken, stop
thinking and start feeling.  Does something feel awkward, uncomfortable or wrong?  Can
 you feel an adrenaline rush, but aren’t sure why?  Do you feel nauseous during the
discussion?  At times, our guts have better listening skills than our ears.  If you can feel a
visceral reaction to the conversation at hand, you can be pretty sure that something isn’t
right.
4. Think First, Speak Second: Once you realize boundaries are being broken, think about
how you want to react.  Reacting without thinking through your position and what you
want as an outcome can lead to an unresolved situation, potential “room for discussion”
or more broken boundaries down the line.
5. State Your Position: Tell the person who is breaking a boundary that they are indeed
breaking a boundary.  Sugar-coating it…hemming and hawing…playing nice…politely
saying no…often doesn’t work with people who perpetually break boundaries. 
Unfortunately, many of these boundary breakers don’t have a clue as to the fact that they
are crossing a line.  The more obvious you can be, the better.
6. Don’t Back Down: If the person continues to push you on a topic, tell them the topic
“isn’t up for discussion.”  The more you stand your ground, the less likely the person will
continue to try to push you on things in the future.  No means no.  Inappropriate is
inappropriate.  And, boundaries are boundaries.

The more you set boundaries, the easier it will get. Do you have boundary breakers in your life? 
How do you handle the situation?

8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid

Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded
individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn’t so.  Personally, I’ve had moments where I’ll
be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I’ll be blindsided
by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails.  Sometimes it is easy to
write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel
negative.  Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain
people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional.  Or, maybe you pride yourself in
being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain
family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our
lives.  And, although we are all human and have our ‘issues,’ some ‘issues’ are quite frankly,
toxic.  They are toxic to our happiness.  They are toxic to our mental outlook.  They are toxic to
our self-esteem.  And they are toxic to our lives.  They can suck the life out of us and even
shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:
1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics.  Is a matter of
fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late.  These individuals
figure out what your ‘buttons’ are, and push them to get what they want.

 Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and
self-esteem.  They find ways to make you do things that you don’t necessarily want to do
and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your
ability to see the reality of the situation.  The world all of a sudden becomes centered
around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that
the world revolves around them.  They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the
world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met.  You often want to say to
them “It isn’t always about you.”

 Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the
dust.  You are left disappointed and unfulfilled.  Further, they zap your energy by getting
you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can’t appreciate the positive in life.  If you tell them that it is
a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast.  If you tell them you aced
a mid-term, they’ll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

 Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything.  Your rosy outlook on life
continues to get squashed with negativity.  Before you know it, their negativity consumes
you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and
unattractive.  If you find people’s unique perspectives refreshing, they find them ‘wrong’.  If you
like someone’s eclectic taste, they find it ‘disturbing’ or ‘bad’.

 Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers.  In a world where
freedom rings, judgment is sooo over.  If the world was a homogeneous place, life would
be pretty boring.  Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you
into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can’t do
it.  As you achieve, they try to pull you down.  As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is
impossible.

 Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be.  Further,
these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself.  Progress and
change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible
and reaching for the stars.
6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere.  You tell a funny
story, they give you a polite laugh.  You feel depressed and sad and they give you a ‘there, there’
type response.  You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum
response.

 Why they are toxic: People who aren’t sincere or genuine build relationships on
superficial criteria.  This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships.  When you are really
in need of a friend, they won’t be there.  When you really need constructive criticism,
they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are.  When you need support,
they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and
in the most inappropriate ways.  In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies.  Maybe this
person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you.  Maybe it is a family
member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business.  Or
maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

 Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don’t respect your
feelings or, for that matter, your privacy.  These people will cause you to feel frustrated
and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. 
They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you.  They find ways to
continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

 Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end
up losing yourself in the process.  They will require all of your time and energy, leaving
you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common.  1) the more these people get away
with their behavior, the more they will continue.  2) Unfortunately, most of these people don’t
see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears,
leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one.  3) Most of these people get worse with age,
making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity.  If you can, avoid spending
mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you’ll feel a lot happier. Have
you encountered these personalities?  What have you done?  Any personalities you would add?

Dealing with Emotional Baggage

Let’s face it:  All of us have emotional “baggage.”  Each of our “bags” differs from other
people’s, but whether or not we like to admit it…we all have it.  “Baggage” makes us who we
are.  Without it, many of us wouldn’t have our “quirks,” our endearing qualities or our unique
perspectives.  At the same time, however, “baggage” can cause us to have “issues” that we have
to grapple with for the long-haul.

Why do we call distasteful past experiences “baggage?”  Because most of us carry it around…
everywhere we go.  And, even though we attempt to pack it up neatly, inevitably it gets carried
around so much, that the wear and tear it takes makes it especially distasteful.  Yet, it is still a
part of us that somehow, we can’t get rid of.

Although most of our “baggage” is far from humorous, it is easy to find the humor in the
analogy.  Granted, the order in which we experience the following during travel may not be
accurate, but the concepts sure do ring true!

1. Check Your Bags: Do you want to carry your “baggage” with you wherever you go?  Or,
would you rather check it, so that you can be free from it until you need it?

 Real Life Takeaway: If you know or accept that you have “baggage,” decide what you’d
like to do about it.  Some of our “baggage” will stay with us for the rest of our lives, but,
more likely than not, we can work through a lot of it so that we only have to deal with it
when we need to.

2. Baggage Claim: Leaving your “baggage” at baggage claim makes travel difficult.   After all,
you can’t travel without your bags!

 Real Life Takeaway: Sure, we may not like our less-than-perfect past.  But denying that it
exists or pretending it isn’t part of our make-up, only causes it to resurface in very
distasteful ways.  Instead, acknowledge that the “baggage” in your life exists and accept
that it has a role in making you who you are.  Embrace how it has molded you and come
to terms with the fact that, whether you like it or not, it is part of you.

3. Baggage Carousel: If you don’t pick your baggage up from the carousel, it will continue to
go round and round…and you will never leave the airport.

 Real Life Takeaway: If you ignore your “baggage,” it will always be there and you will
be going in circles throughout life.  Further, you will never progress into new terrain! 
Take your “baggage” off the carousel so that you can move onto better things.

4. Baggage Handlers: When your “baggage” is too big and cumbersome, it is especially helpful
to have a professional “baggage” handler help you.

 Real Life Takeaway: Consider counseling for especially difficult to handle situations or
personal history.  Psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and social workers are all
professionals who can help you work through the hardships and unhealthy aspects of
your past.

5. Baggage Screening: Although your “baggage” may be sealed up tight, people will still be
able to see that there is stuff inside.
  Real Life Takeaway: Although people may not always know what your “baggage” is,
they still can tell it is there.  Being self-aware and acknowledging your issues will make
it much easier to help others understand you and where you are coming from.

6. Lost Baggage: When you lose “baggage,” inevitably you will get it back.

 Real Life Takeaway: Unfortunately, as you go through life, you may find people who
have a knack for helping old habits resurface.  This can lead to toxic relationships or
worse, history repeating itself.  If possible, don’t let old “baggage,” even disguised as
new, come back over and over again.

6. Keep Your Baggage Unique: If you choose “baggage” that looks like everyone else’s, you
will find it difficult to find your own.

 Real Life Takeaway: It is really easy to find other people who suffer from the same
“baggage.”  After all, you can relate to one another.  However, it can also keep you stuck
in the same ruts and behaviors, never breaking free from your past.  Look for people who
can help you cultivate healthier habits while letting go of those that aren’t.

Are you handling your “baggage?”

The Power of your Smile

Unfortunately, there may be times that smiling can be difficult – when it might not be easy and
might feel virtually impossible.  Sometimes we get so caught up in the bad things that we forget
that smiling is actuallly an option.  Maybe your boss inappropriately yelled at you…maybe you
had a fight with a loved one…maybe you lost a loved one…or maybe you just feel mildly
depressed for the day.  Whatever the case may be, there are always times when smiling just
doesn’t fit your mood. 

Even though you may very well have reasons not to smile, here are a few reasons to push
through…focus on the positive…and yes, smile:

1. It makes you Feel Better: Don’t write this one off.  Really.  I know it sounds
ridiculously idealistic and corny, but it is true.  Next time you feel down or blue, smile. 
Just smile as big as you can.  You might feel ridiculous forcing a huge grin when deep
down all you want to do is sob your heart out, but if you do it, and you concentrate on it,
you actually do feel better.  Believe it or not, there is research behind this.  There is a
theory called ‘facial feedback’ hypothesis.  It states that “involuntary facial movements
provide sufficient peripheral information to drive emotional experience” implying that
you may actually improve your mood by smiling.
2. It is contagious: Ever notice if you smile at someone, they smile back?  If you don’t
smile at someone or don’t have any real facial expression for that matter, you pretty much
get a mirror image back.  Smiling is a proactive behavior, or action, which solicits a
 reaction.  Maybe Newton’s Law of Motion could be revised to say: To every smile there
is an equal and opposite smile.
3. You look Marvelous: If you were to see someone smiling…and another person
frowning, or expressionless, good chances are that you are going to find the smiler more
pleasant to look at and more attractive.  Studies have shown that individuals who were
asked to study posed faces found that those who were asked to smile received more
favorable impressions. 
4. A Choice in Aging: If you look at people who have wrinkles or facial lines, you’ll notice
that most of the lines on their face follow their most natural facial expressions.  If you
were to choose between frown lines or smile lines as your lines and wrinkles for the
future, which would you rather?  I think the answer is obvious…
5. Muscular Response:  Here is a test.  1) Smile 2) Try to maintain your smile and frown at
the same time.  3) Now try to smile and furrow your brow at the same time.  Not so easy. 
Actually pretty impossible right?  So what does this tell you?  The more you smile, the
less you are physically capable of frowning or furrowing your brow.
6. Overall Outlook: The more you smile, the more positive you feel and see things.  There
was another research study where participants were either encouraged or prevented to
smile.  Those that were able to smile rated cartoons as being funnier than the group who
were prevented to smile, implying that your overall outlook is more positive and happy.

Convinced yet?  The reality is that smiling in itself is a holistic, natural ‘medicine’ and anti-aging
regimen.  It helps us feel better, look better and age better!  So next time you are feeling like
frowning.  “Turn that frown, upside down!”

Related Topics:

 Mind/Body

Works Cited

Bernstein, D. A., Clarke-Stewart, A., Penner, L. A., Roy, E. J., & Wickens, C. D. (2000).
Psychology (5th ed.). Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Company.
Davis, S. F., & Palladino, J. J. (2000). Psychology (3rd ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice-
Hall, Inc.

6 Steps to Stop Being Manipulated

Throughout life, there are times when we may come across an individual or a situation where a
person is very dominant, controlling and possibly even manipulative. Sometimes it is a boss who
doesn’t allow us to voice our opinions. Sometimes it is a family member who is very demanding
and finds ways to get us to manipulate us into doing what they want. And sometimes, it may be a
friend who is very pushy and demands that others do things their way, on their time schedule,
forgetting that those around them are affected in the process.
This can frustrate us, making us feel stifled, and worst of all, powerless. And although it may
come to a head only once in awhile, if we are in a relationship or friendship where this happens
on a frequent basis, it can take a toll, and we can lose our sense of worth and even worse, sense
of self. It can be debilitating. The only way we can avoid these feelings is to take the power back,
and empower ourselves.

Let’s take an illustrative example of a friend who is perpetually late. You find it irritating and
inconsiderate. Moreover, you resent the fact that her perpetual lateness causes you to be late as
well. With this example in mind, here are six steps to empower yourself out of her control:

1. Take Charge of Your Life: The only person who can really control your life is you.
Start acknowledging how you feel about these situations. Start making decisions for
yourself and prioritizing what is important to you. Example: Admit that your friend’s
lateness bothers you. Think about the ideal situation and how you would like it to play
out. Picture it in your mind.
2. Set Goals: Setting goals allows us to stay true to what is important to us. Goals can be
big or small. Whatever the case, create goals that are important to you and don’t let
anyone else hurt your chances of reaching them. Example: If there is an event or function
that you want to be on time for, set a goal that you will be on time no matter what.
3. State Your Opinion/Thought/Preference: Once you have a goal in mind, state it out
loud. State it to yourself and to the other person so they know where you stand. Be clear
in voicing your expectation, and don’t leave anything up to the imagination by assuming
the person understands what you want. Example: State to the individual who is always
late that it is very important to you that you are on time for the event. Let them know you
are willing to go without them if they aren’t ready in time.
4. Stand Your Ground: Wishywashiness isn’t going to help you in these situations. Don’t
back down from what you believe, feel or want. Stand your ground and follow through
with your plan to ensure your goal is met. Example: If the other person is late, leave
without them. If you don’t, they will continue to assume that it is okay to push their
schedule on you.
5. Stop Relying on Others for Approval: Part of what allows us to be ruled by others is
that we want their approval. The reality is, if you respect yourself and stand up for what
you want, then others will start respecting you more for it.  Example: If after you leave
and the other person gets upset. Make it clear that you informed them you would leave
without them. Don’t apologize. You did what was important to you and you stayed true to
yourself.
6. Let go: There will be times when these steps aren’t always possible. You might just find
that a relationship is repetitively one-sided in consideration. Instead of getting upset, let
go. Realize that the person isn’t going to change and that you have the power to not let it
bother you. Find ways to ensure that you take care of yourself. Example: If the person
continues to be late for everything, stay true to your priority and start going alone and
stop caring. Let go of the feelings and just accept them for who they are and start
empowering yourself to be the on-time person you want to be.
Empowering yourself is important. Waiting for others to empower you gets you nowhere. Have
you had a relationship where you felt you had no power? What did you do to address the
situation?

5 Typical Behaviors of Manipulative People

Many of us like to think the best of people.  We like to think that they shoot straight and are
forthright in their intentions.  We also like to believe that they will ask for what they want and
not resort to crazy tactics to get it.  Unfortunately, however, there are times when we come
across those who will do whatever it takes to get what they want…including manipulation. 
Being manipulated never feels good, but the worst part of manipulation is that often, we don’t
even realize that it is happening.  Here are a few tell-tale ways to know if you someone is trying
to manipulate you and how to deal with it:

1. Buttering You Up: To get their way, manipulators will often make you feel good so that
they can then ask you to do something that they want.  The person may first compliment
you or tell you what a wonderful job you did on something.  Making you feel good will,
in their mind, make it difficult for you to say no…after all, you wouldn’t want to
disappoint them or give them reason to think you didn’t deserve the compliment in the
first place. What you can do: Return the compliments and the niceties before saying no.
2. Guilt: This doesn’t only pertain to Catholics and Jewish Mothers; guilt trips have been a
successful manipulation tactic for centuries.  The saddest part of this strategy is that the
victims of this tactic succumb to the manipulators’ demands because they feel they
HAVE to, not because they WANT to.  In personal relationships, this sets up a co-
dependency that is extremely unhealthy.  What you can do: Ask the individual if they
want you to do something because you have to or because you want to.  If they say they
want you to want to do it, tell them that you don’t and that they are trying to force you
into something you don’t feel comfortable with.
3. Broken Record: Probably the most obvious of formats is the broken record tactic.  If a
person asks you enough or pushes their agenda enough…constantly repeating the
question or request over and over again…in slightly different ways, the victim will
inevitably give in and give them what they want.  Oye!  What you can do: Ask the
individual what they don’t understand about the word “no.”  Tell them that asking you
over and over again isn’t going to change anything and that they are inappropriately
over-stepping boundaries.
4. Selective Memory: This one gets me the most.  You swear you have a conversation
about a plan and everyone is on the same page, and then one day, the manipulator
pretends to remember the conversation completely differently, if at all.  What you can do:
Record your conversations…seriously!  Okay, maybe not.  At least have a witness that
you can count on to back you up if the person pulls this shenanigan.  Call them out on the
fact that they conveniently change the game to fit their needs.
5. Bullying: If a person doesn’t get their way, they make you out to look or feel like the bad
guy…like you are the wrong one.  What you can do: Be firm and tell them that their
bullying tactics are inappropriate and unacceptable.
Keep your eyes open for these behaviors and continue to stand your ground to ensure that you
aren’t a victim of manipulation.  Have you seen any other types of manipulative behavior?

Dealing with Bullies

Growing up, I was taught to be an open and honest communicator.  It was expected.  It was
expected that if you had a problem, or if you had a conflict, that you discussed it.  You didn’t
whine about it.  You didn’t sweep it under the rug.  And, you didn’t act passively aggressively. 
Instead, you talked it out, you explained how you felt and you came up with ways to fix it or deal
with it.  Although as a child there were times that I thought our household did too much
communicating, I now pride myself in being open, honest and forthright.

Recently, however, my belief in open communication turned against me.  Over the last couple of
months, I had noticed that my colleague (let’s call him Tom) started acting distant and
dismissive.  As peers, my work and his work needed to be integrated to get the job done.  Yet, I
constantly felt as though he wasn’t respecting me or including me in important discussions that
were vital to the work we were doing.  It became clear that it needed to be addressed, and I told
him in a couple of ways, that I’d appreciate if he would ensure that I was part of these
discussions.  Ignoring these requests, Tom started displaying passive aggressive tendencies
towards me and it was starting to affect the way we worked together.  Finally, one interaction
pushed me over the edge, causing me to want to address the situation immediately.  I discreetly
pulled Tom aside and told him that I detected something was wrong.  Trying to be sensitive to
Tom’s feelings and to avoid putting him on the defensive, I put the responsibility on me by
saying that I hoped that I hadn’t done anything to offend him.  This plan backfired.

Instead of taking my gesture as an opening to an honest two-way dialogue, Tom used this
opportunity to bully me.  I patiently listened until it was obvious he was through, making sure
that I let him fully express himself.  When he was done, I apologized for how he felt and started
to explain how I was feeling.  He quickly made it clear that he didn’t care.  All of the feelings I
had been feeling for the better part of two months, were completely dismissed.  Further, he was
quick to let me know that he had no intention of taking any responsibility for any part of the
situation, implying that the problem was completely my fault.  I came away feeling stomped on,
deflated and disrespected.  Not quite the outcome I had hoped for.

Although I believe that open communication is the key to successful relationships, this
interaction made me realize that it doesn’t work with everyone.  Although I do think speaking
with Tom was better than not saying anything at all, it obviously didn’t accomplish what I had
hoped it would.

Tom was given the gift of closure; he got to express everything he felt.  I on the other hand,
didn’t get to express much of anything and as a result, was left feeling even worse than I did
before the discussion.  In hindsight, I feel that I left it all on the table, without any recourse or
ability to defend myself.  I feel that I gave him an opening to put me down and to belittle me. 
And, I feel that he completely took advantage of me and the situation.
There were a lot of things left unsaid, and I so wish I could have another opportunity to tell Tom
what I really think.  Instead, I have to let it go.  Letting go is SO hard!  Especially when you feel
that you’ve been beat-up with no ability to defend yourself.  The only thing you can really do in
these situations, I guess, is to learn from them, so that maybe history doesn’t repeat itself.  Here
were the lessons I learned:

1. Mutual Respect: If you embark on an open dialogue with someone, make sure that both
of you respect one another.  If a person doesn’t respect you, talking to them may fall on
deaf ears, and you may find yourself in a worse off position.
2. Be Prepared: If you attempt to resolve a conflict, prepare yourself for the possibility of it
not going as you would expect.  Otherwise, you may not get all that you wanted out of
the conversation.  Create a list of the things you want to address to ensure that you get to
make all the points you want to make.
3. It Takes Two to Communicate: If the person is not a big communicator to begin with, it
might be a sign that the conversation may not go as you hope.  It was clear to me that
open communication was not in Tom’s repertoire unless it was one-way.
4. Sharing Requires Caring: If the person you are hoping to speak with is not interested in
your feelings or concerns, you may be left feeling empty.  If the person doesn’t care, it
isn’t worth the emotional investment.  Stick to the facts and don’t let emotions get
involved.
5. Timing: When we are upset and want to talk about something, it is important to take
some time to really think through how we are going to have the conversation.  I reacted
emotionally, wanting to solve something on the spot.  As a result, I didn’t really think
through how I would approach him or where we would have the conversation.  Instead, it
was on the fly and in a setting that didn’t lend itself to having a thorough conversation.
6. Self Confidence: We all have moments where we lack confidence, but if someone has
self esteem issues deep down at the core, they will mask it by being a bully or pointing
fingers…and not taking any responsibility for anything themselves.  In this case, I
suspect that Tom has issues that have nothing to do with me, and instead of
acknowledging that maybe he was partially wrong in the situation, he had to make
himself look and feel better by placing all of the blame on me.

Replaying the conversation in my head, I realize that I totally enabled his behavior. I didn’t stand
up for myself, because I was blindsided by his attack.  If you think you want to have a
conversation with someone, be sure to respect yourself in the process.  You are the only one who
is going to stand up for yourself!

Have you had a situation that was similar?  Did you open a conversation with someone only to
find that they didn’t value or respect you?