Professional Documents
Culture Documents
a NNUAL CENSUS
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GREAT EXPECTATIONS .
NAKEDCITY :
'How to ceIbrate a %Vorld Series u ¡n go ove,tun a bus Ronald Reagans early career as P
an apron-wearing vaudet'ilIian in Vegas, andJerry Brownr current career as a bourbon-
drinking pickup artist in airports. Charting Ron Dar1ing mood swings. Andjust who is the man behind r
the movie ofthe decade? ....................................
THE SPY MAP
Q
BOB MACK traipses through Harry and Leona He/nsIey's house in Greenwich, Connecticut, and, room by room, dis-
covers that the rich are very different. Illustrated by CHRISTOPH ABBRFDERIS . . .
PARTYPOOP ...............
"The best skateboarding in town is in Philipjohnsonc sky pipeline - nothing beati hanging ten 600 feet
up. Kawabunga! illustrated by SiEvE CAR'ER .................
tH CO ER
FE IJ F Phntogrophs b
WoIIi,rGcmni.L,oi,on (Bush);
John D&sgdok ¿huir inet.
-0ur annual highly objective. coldly scientific ranking of people and things annoying, alarming I
and appalling .................................................................
LOOKER LIT 101
. In the past. becoming a successful writer required talent and years of work. Now difficulties with plot and dialogue
can be overcone with a prettyface. cool hair a good tableside nanner at M. K. And vice versa, sort of PAUL RuDN1cK
captures the author-model controversy ........................................
ON THE BLUBBER BEAT
trapped in ice are about as unusual as commuters trapped in traffic. But last yea when
.-' three gray whales got stuck offBarrow. Alaska. news organizations around the planet competed to waste
,.
h.etrWhales ;
?ioney covering the story. '['ofRosE was there and with BRucE HAND help ,counts why the networks
bit at this particular dog.bites-man, whales-bite-dust story .......
THE COLOR OF MONEY :'
'A client about to hire a big-time decorator makes a standard approach: Could you impose your
' .
.
taste on me? And may I pay you lots of money? Or so it seems. MICuìEL %VItLKFR (with ,dario
Buatta as his on-the-record guide) describes what happens when ,nultimillionaire social climbers turn over ' .
I_IJI%pI
'HF.R' "DUTCH" HoI.L,.D looks at the creative writer lurking within every critic in Review
'
L' .
of Reviewers: JOHN BRODIE studies weird fraternal Iitics; MAcAULAY CONNOR audits Time
.
\ d Warner's chiefs at the Ministry of Information; EDDiE STERNand WlLLIiti'vl Si1iTH tel/you about
. the stupidity of The Street nostfamous touts; CELIA BPDYexplains how TheIndustiy big wheels
take care of their own: and ELLIS WEiNER reveals what charged-up hormones get you in How
=L:
______) ,.
to Be a Grown-up ........................................
OURU:BRITISHCROSSW:RDPUzzLE
ii-r"ii"i-
spy (ISSN 0890-1759) is published monthly by Sp Publishing Partners. Thc SPY Building. 5 Union Square WCU, New York, N.Y. 10003. Submissions:
Send wich SASE so same address. For adverusing sales. call 2! 2-633.65 50. © 1989 by Spy Publishing Partners, LP. S«ond.class postage paid at New York, N.Y.,
and additional mailingothces. Anntulsubscrtpcion rares: U.S. and possessions. $21.77; Canada. US$30; forcign, US$40. Postmaster: Picasc scnd address
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Something White. For Colorful Moments.
WvEì MAR' 1f
taviiro
WhITE iAtLL
eq
CUVE'E
IATERNO IMPORTS. ITO
MARGHERITL FROM SANTA MARGHERITA
UNITED COLORS
OF BENETTON.
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LUL!ea Coo o BtnetToo and SisI re tradernars o' Benelton Gro,p Spa lay . Pr' Tocan
WANDA HARPER BUSH
29TIMFWoR1DCIpjcJ\ COWGIRL. MASON.TEXAS
es flying in on the red-eye
k
just for my part'
L he drinks Johnnie
(J
ant contemporary experience we
i associate 'V j tl'i American Indians:
i
all the other residual Native Amen-
(J
31k cana ea ting beef jerky, fastening ears
(J
of colored corn to the front door,
bow hunting, taking peyote, scalp-
ing groups of white settlers is hokey
i i
or illegal or nor worth the trouble.
2c'. \ Sunny days and cool nights. the throb
of activity with a spirit of leisure,
I 1IP1r.L no parkas but no bare-midriff Batman
T-shirts either. Indian summer is
perfect, and perfectly American the
free bonus gift in every package, the
LU tOtTidtiC dead! i ne extens io n , r he
n
- ,1
course, and on a single day this month
(J
V
e
('a
i
.: (mark October 23 on your calendar) the leaves disintegrate,
the skies turn British and the social whirl goes haywire. The
benchmark for the current party sea-
i .
r soll was set very early on, when obese
conglomerateur Saul Steinbergs 50th
birthday became the pretext for a
.
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.-
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irfavo rite staggering spectacle. Steinberg's wife,
Gavfrvd. hired actors. ordered sorne
to undress and arranged most of them in tableaux depicting
Old Master paintings (Rembrandt's Danaè Vermeer's The
Kitchen i'l aid);
,
had two worn-
'.
cluasi-season as mermaids
;
J and installed
'. ç.,
-
..
(s
dinner to 250 people (including Ron
- :'
Perelman, Henry Kravis, Abe Rosen-
thai, various Trumps and virtually all
i Tisches); and, of course. solicited co'-
OCIOI3LR 19$9 SPY 11
erage by an invited gossip columnist. A quarter of a century ago, as the de- that after all the struggle, what they get is
Hncy:' Steinberg said in a toast to his cade of free love and the Peace Corps was American B-movies. The 1976 remake of
wife, "if this moment were a stock, I'd really getting under way, John F. Kennedy King Kong was the biggest-grossing foreign
short it." That's right - like so much oflife blithely had sex with an average of 2.4 film in the Soviet Union last year, and in
today, it was the opening scene of yet women a week other than his wife. Today second and third place were Short Circuit
another colorful, compelling chapter in a Peace Corps volunteer in Zaire accuses and !3edrooìn Window, films starring Steve
our ongoing novelization of the fin de a visiting Democratic congressman of Guttenberg and Steve Guttenberg, re-
si,cIe, 1999: Casinos oft/e Third Reich. fondling her just once and the House spectively. Is it any wonder that Cuba has
So, despite some widely influential launches an investigation. The alleged just banned two Soviet magazines, accus-
preliminary findings issued in this space fondler, Representative Gus Savagenice ing them of"justifying bourgeois democ-
three years ago. the I98Oshave notyetended, nameclaims he was framed. "1 did racy as the highest form of popular par-
and the nineties are looking to be just nothing," says Savage. "That's what I did. ticipation and [having) a fascination for
like the eighties, only more so. The Dow They tried to destroy Dr. Martin Luther the American way of life"?
Jones Industrial Average pulsates toward King with a lie. I'm in good company." The American way oflife: Steve Rubell's
3,000, the highest it's been since the be- (Memo to Congressman Savage re nasty funeral was broadcast out onto the street
ginning of time, and the 1990s will open public-relations impacts: when denying by loudspeakers, and Donald Trump was
with the trials of there, climbing into his stretch limo (the
dozens of Chicago one with gold exterior trim), when he in-
commodities trad- ; sisted on speaking to a Post reporter.
ers, 46 ofwhom have '
,
impact on the cityit made New York
fraud; a third of '
hot:' Days later, Rubell's st,lish Hotel
those indicted have ----
;
Royalton finally got its liquor license
already agreed to .
.. - '-
("Now, finally," Rubell's partner, Ian
snitch, eighties-style, -.- -s--.-» Schrager, said movingly, "Steve's vision of
on the rest. Have the indictments provoked charges ofsexual misadventure, do not refer the hotel lobby as the social meeting place
a chastened new consensus at Wall Street's to Martin Luther King.) of the nineties can be realized"), and a
highest levels that fundamental reforms Because especially when it comes to Trump Shuttle flight was forced to make
are in order? "The nasty part," says the sex, public-relations impact is all. Walter an emergency landing. The nasty part,
man in charge offutures trading at Grun- Annenberg, the bookie's son and billion. just possibly, will be the public-relations
tal & Company, a major brokerage house, aire art collector, was asked about the impact.
"will he the public-relations impact." exhibit of Robert Mapplethorpe's photo- A faulty Trump Shuttle, a fab Studio 54
Bushian compassion (Bush-style? Bush- graphs that prompted Congress to cut funeral, a bittersweetly timed liquor li-
esqiie? Bushy?) has turned out to consist arts funding. "I hate to see a constraining cense, the simultaneous deaths of Diana
mainly ofan earnest frown and the phrase hand in relation to art," Annenberg said. Vreeland and Huey Newton - that's right,
Barbaraand!. and 00W ail sorts ofpeo.
. .
, And yet, he added, "I'm sick ofpeople ex- we're nearing the suspenseful, sensational
plc have adopted a disingenuous kinder. pressing their artistic attitudes and conclusion ofyet another chapter of 1999:
gentler tack, and it is unsettling. Greg talents in an unappetizing manner." Casinos o/the Third Reich, The most excit-
J ohnson, the man whose Supreme Court Senator Jesse Helms, by contrast, likes ing plot twists arc still to come, as the
case established every American's right to to see a constraining hand in relation to nineties begin officially: next March in
destroy patriotic icons, finds he has a art, especially art involving Negroes with- London, Sotbeby's will auction off 13,000
strong sense of flag-burning etiquette. out any clothes on. "There's a big differ- bottles of wine from the cellars of Czar
"There is a time and a place for every- ence between The Merchant of Nicholas Il, and weeks later,
thing,"Johnson says. "People should stop Venice," Helms explained, "and a back in New York, RobertGoulet
baiting me and daring me about the next photograph of two males of ,-. will open on Broadway in After
time I am going to burn the flag." Even the different races on a marble-
. . .
.
Marine Corps has, under Bush, given top table. I'm embarrassed to musical that concerns, Goulet
in to Barbaraism: all sergeants must now even talk to you about this," he '" explained helpfully from his
read "a minimum of two books (ideally confided to a reporter. "I'm em- home in Las Vegas, "a shy, almost
four) annually." The nasty part ("Okay, barrassed to talk to my wife." .
but not quite absentminded.
maggot - Reflections in a Golden Eye, now!" And who wouldn't be: when the .
professor type who swallows a
"Carson McCullers, 1941, sir!") could be senator showed the Mapplethorpe cata littlevialofsomerhingand becomes a get-
the public-relations impact. log to Dot Helms, she became so giddy out-of-the-way, flamboyant character." Im-
Not just the Marines, but now Syl- she lapsed into the present progressive agine the spectacle! Imagine thc public.
vester Stallone is indulging in introspec- tense. 'Lord have mercy,Jesse," Dot cried, relations impact! Imagine the chanting
tiøfl. He is avoiding sexual entanglements, "I'm not believing this." roar of the crowd: Gou-let! Goulet! Gou-
Stailonc told USA Today, because he's just In the Soviet Union, where the con- let! "I can't wait," Goulet says, and, as
"not fit for human consumption right straining hand in relation to art has just caught up as we are in 1999: Casinos of the
now. Botulism, . , . Bad meat in a can," been lifted, perhaps they are not believing Third Reich, neither can we. )
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OKSERVTIOS (
Coton W.n.r
III I (II RISI ARC Ii
O LIFE. TAXES.
(I" -
Puu Smmi
Wolter Monh.ft
S ''F GIR.( RI lIC TI AK(I-
Andr.o Rsd.r (Washington) Diboroh Michel (Los Angelo,)
C ORE ISP ON DITh
Andy S.aro Bo,rtft, Jack Barth, Ro Blount Jr., Celia Brady. Chrit Colli,, Cynthia Cotti,
Bruce eiriMin, Drew Friedman, Tod Friend, Jo. GilIji, Jamos Grant, John Heilpern, Tony Hendro,
Lynn Hirichbeeg. Ann Hodgrnon. Henry Holland, i. J. Hunsecker, Eric Kaplan, Howard Kaplan,
Molih Kaylon, Goof K.rn, Mimi Kramer, Mark Lasewell, T. S. Lord, Thomas Moro, Guy Martin,
Potty Marx. Potnich McMullon, Morh O'Donnell. Dodd Owen. Jo. Queman. Paul Rudnick,
Lue Sante, John S'oobrook, Harry Shear.,, Paul Sloniky, Michael Sorkin, Richard Stengel, Jo Stockton,
Tohi, Jompi Traub, Nicholas ran Hoffman, Elli, Weiner, Philippe Wojsb,ck,,, Philip Weist,
Ned Lemon and Edward Zuckermon. ornang others
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989 Imported by chtham Imports, Inc., Ñ.Y., NY. Liqueur 30% AIc. by Vol. (60 proof)
MONTE TECA LIQUEUR
Made & Bottled in Mexico ANI ORDER FROM THE BORDER
DEAR EDrrois dont live in New York, DEAR EDITORS ed Zeman's piece
From the moilroom: If fewer night
SPY
and I know who Joe was pretty good, but
crawlers made personal stationery of
Franklin is ["The Irony Epidemic;' by it did leave out some rather choice exam-
their cocktail napkinswhich, after oli,
Paul Rudnick and Kurt Andersen, March). ples of Faustian deals, mainly in todays
are meant to be crumpled and thrown at
Does this make me "hip"? music business.
people one momentarily mistakes for
Peter BianchiJr Rotund composer Andrew Lloyd Web-
friendsthere would be less pain and ber is a perfect Faust, selling offhis musi-
Miami, Florida
embarrassment and cals for a lot of money while losing what-
We dan': know: check your decoIe
, misunderstanding ¡n ever minimal credibility he once had.
the world. Jay Mclner-
George Harrison is the benefactor of a
note to "Brett" major deal with Mr. Lucifer. For almost
.
!--
flC)S
DEAR EDt'ros mce less energy is
.
Easton Ellis, written two decades Harríson's post-Beatles career
used in reading Nancy
on a cocktail napkin
than in not reading it, one becomes a consisted ofcoasting on his former band's
but salvaged and reprinted as part of
member of the Ernie Bushmiller Society popularity In other words, Harrison
Spy's Celebrity Pro-Am Ironman Night-
almost by default. Count me in [The Un- played Faust to himself, until 1988, when
life Decathlon Championship Il results
British Crossword Puzzle, by Roy Blount he tried for some kind ofdemonic equiv-
(July), has, predictably, brought grief to
Jr., April). aient of a Tupperware party by dragging
all involved.
Brad Bonhall Bob Dylan, Tom Petty and Roy Orbison
Briefly, what happened is this: by into a scheme whereby, as The Traveling
Laguna Niguel. California
misreading "WCW" (as in the saloon. Wilburys, they all played Faust to exElec.
serviette signature "J. 'WCW' Mciner-
tric Light Orchestra guitarist Jeff Lynne's
nay") as "WOW" and failing to detect
DEAR EDITois n his fascinating ac- Mephistopheles. Lynne, in turn, played
an allusion to William Carlos Williams,
count "Doing Deals Faust to himself, for the whole Wilbury
SPY awarded Mclnerney ten Ironman
With the Devil: A SPY Audit of Faustian mess gave him the greatest recognition of
points he did not deserve. In so doing,
we, as one reader put it, "fucked up."
The "entire Ironman contest is now
Bargains, Mephistophelian Transactions his career.
blemished," he added. Some things and the Current Bull Market for Selling However, the most glaring omission
other readers had to say: "Don't make us
One's Soul" [June), Ned Zeman failed to was Jann Wenner who allowed Rolling
wince again by making Mclnerney look mention the most puzzling of the 1980s' Stone to participate in the film Perfect and
clever." "Tell me you're kidding. . . . Tell
sellouts. devoted its 1985 Summer Double Issue to
me you knew that already." And "Hey,
I am, of course, referring to the deal two cover stories on the movie's stars,
you bucketheads." So much for our grief
Gregory Peck struck with those anti-Bork J ohn Travolta and Jamie Lee Curtis
and our readers'considerable.
Devils. Or has Zeman himselfsold out in actions that made the magazine look
Curiously, Mclnerney and even Ellis
bis possibly biased decision to exclude rather silly when Perfect came out and
the latter an innocent bystanderalso
Peck's classic Faustian outrage from his completely bombed.
got it: "Yet another example of Mciner-
otherwise clever article? Dave Platt
ney's huge overestimation of his place in
Jack Hi4ghes Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
the American literary scene." "I hope
River Forest. Illinois
you will deduct 15 points from Mciner-
fey's score for having paid attention in "
DEAR EDITORS oing Deals With the
his freshman English class." "You needn't
DEAR EDITois congratulate Mr. Ze- Devil" was terrific,
apologize. Anyone who styles himself man on his keen per- but "Hellcat of the Turkish Army" [by
after Williams needs a new role model."
ception in revealing the supposed media Melik Kaylan,June) may explain why you
"Williams was a serious and thoughtful
genius Christopher Whittle as the Faust- get so many unsolicited sonnets and bios.
writer, which is a hell of a lot more than
ian character. pouncing on the media Those readers must figure, "Who the
can be said about his frivolous would-be
stage, that he is. Mr. Whittle bas con- hell knows what those wild and crazy guys
successor." "It seems more significant
vinced himself, along with a few others, at SPY are going to print?"
to me that Jay can't spell his great friend
that he is a true entrepreneur worthy ola J im Tynen
and co-luminary Brat Easton Ellis's first
nome." "I do wonder whether Mclnerney political office bankrupt of any ideologi- Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
cal preference.
is ordinarily a bad speller or if he mis-
spelled 'Brett' as an actively hostile I do hope you pursue his annoying
meddling in the media industry. New DEAR EDITORS n your exposition of
gesture." "Considering his anticipated York and California have caught on to the ten most litigious
homage to Ford Madox Ford's Parade's
him; I have faith that py will bring him New Yorkers ["Those Who Can, Sue," by.
End, ¡s J.M. founding a second career
to justice. George Kalogerakis, June), you gave An.
alluding to writers who are not only far
Paul van 'k Kamp thony R. Martin-Trigona short shrift. Mr.
better than he, but whose first names are
Old Greenwich . Connecticut M.T not only pursues his own legal con-
identical to their last?"
See page 70. cerns but also has the public weal at
)
Stuyvesant High School's prom was held
:, oe
) .
in the Puck Building last June, Hillory
coc
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i
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Anger of Brooklyn found that the build-
ingspy's first home"djdn't look like
it does in the ad in the magazine; none-
o': theless I was inspired." To'
We're often asked to explain the elu-
sive appeal of "Separated at Birth?" (on
L
.
-' i).,
fig occasion we've tried to explain it without
- , actually having been asked, but now we
.ç just drink club soda). We confess we
Ø)2'
never really understood it ourselves until
,w
a letter arrived from Tim Hilison asking
-
permission to use SPY's Separated at
Birth? book in a Department of Psychol-
ogy, University of Western Ontario, re-
1_
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search project on "the perceived humour
value of stimuli." Sounds interesting.
Sounds Canadian. Now, just why do the
researchers think the photos are funny?
"A close physical similarity in the per-
Sons in a pair juxtaposed with a large
difference between their backgrounds
are what we hypothesize would be re-
sponsible for at least some of the humor-
ous effect of the pairing." Plausible. But
will our participation help mankind?
"The research itself will help establish a
cognitive-emotional model of humour,
which would be of benefit to people in
general, as humour has been shown to
be o healthy stress mediator." Uncanny!
Almost the exact wording used in the
original plan for this magazine.
"The PYANARAMA! issue [May] had just
arrived and was lying on the ottoman
waiting to be read," writes David
Schackow from Holland, Michigan.
"Alex, my 3Y2-year-old son, walked by
the stool. Glancing at the cover, he
stopped and shrieked, 'Daddy, Daddy,
where's my Ghostbuster gun? I have to
blast this scary lady.' " Maybe. Your
son's subsequent remark ("That chick is
toast!") makes us wonder, though. Is
that really how preschoolers, albeit pre-
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1113 Madison Amnue 4
New YorK. N.Y. 10028 N
(212) 737-4200
heart. Shortly after the accused (now con- Society and Institute, although from the J ulyl: they cross their sevens, decimal the
victed) cocaine kingpin Carlos Lehdcr tOflC of your article I wouldn't bet on it. recording of time (8.30) and transpose
found himself the guest of the Justice Chris Segal the order ofday and month (22/10/63).
Deparment. M-T filed papers in the case, Chicago. Illinois li/an Fleisher
attempting to intervene as the attorney What you're asking is, has she simply put np a New York
for Mr. Lehder. As Senor Lehder had ap- shingle and started mailing bills?i'tccording to
parently never heard of his supposed paperJ filed with the FEC. she is both a psy-
mouthpiece and the court clerk did not chiatrist ( therefore an M. D.) and a Ph. D. DEAR EDITORS liked your article on
recognize him as admitted to practice Twinkies ["Twinkie,
before the Florida Court, the selfless M-T Twinkie, Little Suet-Filled Sponge-Cake
was denied another opportunity to dis- DEAR EDI'1o1.s rances Lear sounds like Crisco Log, Now I Know Just What You
play his legal prowess. a bored, rich divorcée Arc: Baking America's Favorite Processed
Ronald Berguierk whds trying to outsucceed one of her Snack Cake at Home," by Jane and
J ackonz'ilIe. F1orid: earlier husbandswith HIS money. Fur- Michael Stcrn,Julyj. However, I've always
thermore, where does she get the effrontery been more interested in those rubbery
to openly declare a type of personthe phosphorescent spheres known as Sno
DEAR EDITORE ust a question regard- "Lear Woman? IfFrances Lear is in fact Balls (also made by Hostess). I've never
ing chejune article on the definitive "Lear Woman,' why on caten one, but a few years ago i flung a
Norman and Frances Lear ["Desperately eartl would anyone want to be like that? number of them off the 35th Avenue
Seeking Seriousness' by Leah Rozen). My advice to her is to get out of publish- overpass of the Clearview Expressway in
Three times you say that Normans new ¡ng and lnc Up on her motherly skills - Q ucens. Contrary to your free-fall experi-
wife, Lyn Davis Lear, is a psychotherapist. they could apparently SC some work. ments with the Twinkic (in which the
This is a pretty general term for those of im Fuhrman junk food merely bounced onto its back
us who are students of the science. Is she Los A ugeles. Ca/,,6rnia following a 120-foot plummet), Srm Balls
simply some recovering addict who mud- rebounded a good three feet when hurled
died her way through a two-year master's from a height ofonly two or three stories.
program, or is she actually legitimate (an DEAR EDIIDRs hrce European nu- Further analysis of these resilient des-
M.D. or Ph.D.)? Maybe she even did some rneric irritants ["The sert 100(1 samples was often halted by the
vork at the Los Angeles Psychoanalytic Ugly Europcan b)' George Kalogerakis, radiais ofoncoming cars. Even then, a few
S
-;;;;r-;--{;117 walk out on Highway 158ou natural.
"TOPSY DINGO WILD DOG is mad and moving; fearless
and frolicking. Ms. Carr has a passionate, original mind
,
\ and a wild heart that burns with the truth:'
- Beth Henley
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cocious ones, in Holland, Michigan, talk? cited yet another use of the word nubbin
Some follow-ups to articles and letters (see this space last month, and also
appearing in SPY: Eating, May), this one on page 54 of
1. Fleming Meeks's seminal "Elvis's Anne Tyler's Earthly Possessions.
Weight on the Planets" (September 1987) More intrareadership squabbling, the
has infiltrated not only downtown music- worst since July. Kimberly Epstein of
shop business cards and the thinking of Monroe, New York, "must disagree"
members of ZZ Top (see this space last with David Gartner, who was himself
month) but also, now, the work of direc- agreeing with Michael Gates (see Letters
tor Jim Jarmusch. Writing from Cannes to SPY, Maythe one pining for sr'Y's
about Jarmusch's new movie, Mystery pre-bar-code days). "If sí'Y was as exclu-
Train, Vincent Canby of The New York sivc as Gartner remembers," writes Ep-
Times said, "[Jarmusch] also has a stein, "I never would have been solicited
knack for the oddball detail. . . Sample through the mail and would probably
line: 'When he died, Elvis Presley would Sp A shame, no?"
have never heard of
have weighed 648 pounds on Jupiter." A shame, yes, Kimberly. As is the fact
Precisely the Elvis-on-Jupiter figure cal- that Gartner, if he ever made good on his
culoted by Mecks. promise to go "back to reading Inter-
2. Additional proof that 007's influ- view," may never see this. In a (so far,
ence (see "BondmaniaJomes Bond- but who knows) nonrelated skirmish, the
mania," by Bruce Handy, October 1988) wise, acute and probably beautiful
is as far-reaching as, oh, Fleming Meeks's. Kathleen Thompson of Seattle felt corn-
Here is Trump hotel designer Alan pelled to respond to William B. Azaroff's
Lapidus in Newsweek: "You know where "scathing missile" (see Letters to SPY,
I get my inspiration from? The movies.... July - the one about biting the hand that
And what were the glamorous movies feeds us): "I would ust remind him that
when I was young? James Bond." those who can laugh at themselves prob-
3. At least one support group was ably are not such great targets os those
missing from Mary Schafer's "People who are not willing or able to be part of
Who Really, Really Need People" (Naked (or appreciate) the joke. In light of this, if
City, August). The following is from a let- I were Mr. Azaroff, I would be looking
ter written to the Doily News: "The over my shoulder ...... Now we'll just step
300-plus patients who are members of back and see what happens.
the New Jersey Chronic Fatigue Associa- Finally, in a special third-anniversary,
tion have a debilitating and disabling hands-across-America public-relations
condition. Nine out of 10 people in our gesture, this: "I first learned of your mag-
support group have never been to a ozinefrom seeing your5eporated at Birth?
meeting because they are too sick to book," writes Jason Steitz of Essington,
leave the house." Pennsylvania, alluding to our 1988 at-
4. More blood on your hands ("Slough- tempt to juxtapose persons with close
terhouse America," by Peter Helfernan, physical similarity yet large differences
July), and if it looks like tomato sauce, in background to humorous effect,
well... Domino's Pizza Inc. admitted to thereby adding to the planet's supply of
20 fatal traffic accidents involving fren- healthy stress mediators. Steltz has
ucd deliveries in 1988.000000083 since become a regular SPY reader and
dead delivery kids or bystanders for every has a few questions (veteran readers,
pizza eater. Think about that next time please bear with us). The answers: (1)
you're idly choosing between mushroom Well, it's really just a completely random
and pepperoni. list. (2) Because The New Yorker doesn't;
5. Days after our August issue, with its we try to get them to answer; we really
story on Dino DeLaurentiis's Hollywood don't know whether they mind. (3) The
shenanigans ("The Little Producer That Naked City design, which uses strips of
Couldn't," by Mark Frankel), appeared on different drawings or photos every month,
Los Angeles newsstands, Dino was sued is there so that sorne other magazine can
for $50 million by the DeLourentiis Enter- eventually imitate it. (4) Three years this
tainment Group, his former company. month! (5) Yes you arc and yes it is. (6) He
DEG charges that Dino defrauded them. is one great (albeit trademarked) guy, and
6. And Susin Nielsen of Toronto has no, he's actually much smarter.
24 SPY OCT(fl3ER I)
In 1799, the brothers Rusty and Dusty Nail
had a difference of opinion over who actually invented
the new drink with Drambuie and scotch.
Guess who won?
'
gk;
!
:
, p
.o
.
',41
Legciid has il thai the Rusty Nail inspirtd brotherl\ ìte. But that was sote tune ago.
IlOW k)FIg 1ÌIS ¡I I)(Cfl since vouve experitTlcc(1 a Rust Nail. thaL Iegen(lary
DRAM U4 cocktaU that raises ordinary scotch to rnlhic proporLioiis9 Of course, Drarnbuie is
¿uso pretty sI)((:t1(uIar as a solo. lt's the unc (Irilik that simply has no twin.
Drattibtile. Scottish in origin, distir:Iivc in laste. unchanged sitice 1745.
Drambuie.The stuff legends are made of.
L) seiid a gUi Ql I)rainhui' .tuw'here u ttw U.S.. wlierc 1cia(. (:iiII 1.8()(I.2:3K-4373.
hardy Sno Balls were good for at least 50 a Hard-to-Pronounce Name," July). Al- fluential early works, such as "How to
or 60 feet of highway travel before splat- though Rand's philosophy has its flaws Drive Fast on Drugs While Getting Your
tering into goopy pavement fricassee. and her fiction tends to fall into the cate- Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your
J o/m Dereviany gory of sledgehammer-over-the-head prose, Drink" (National Lampoon, March 1979).
Hoboken, New Jersey I am tired of people assessing her work Roy Donald R.aush
without understanding (or reading) her Milu'a,ikee, %Visconsin
books. How else to explain the inclusion
DEAR EDIToas n your review of P. of Rand (an atheist and antiracist who
Quint Smith's Twinkic was as disenchanted with the conser- DEAR EDITORS write to protest Bob
variant ["Every Which Way but Good: vative right as she with the liberal left) Mack's vile calumny
Six Chefs in Search ofthe Ultimate Twin- in an article about Bible-thumping big- that I am now on the wagon.
kie," by Rachel Urquhart, July), one of oted pig-dogs? Because of this smear, 14 bartenders
your gentlemen implied that American spy, Vanity Fair and other recent Rand- and several former friends arc no longer
Twinkles are superior to Canadian Twin- bashers seem comfortable tagging her as a speaking to me. In addition, Mortimer's
kies. As to this I reply only, "You have fascist cheerleader. As any Objcctivist will has closed [editors' note: only for two
eaten them, then?" Tis strange, is it not, tell you, Rand's ideas were much more weeks in August).
that 532 miles, for 'tis absolutely no far- complex (and humane) than people (i.e., JeJfrey Hart
ther, should give a man such rights. jaded journalists) think. Dartmouth College
Dominic Farrell Larry LaForet tlanoz;er New Hampshire
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THE MUSICAL
: New York
The writer - who by signing her missive FIip-
per Cottontaitforced ¡a to dispatch an opera-
live to /eterrnine her identity - is a painter as
I
DEAR EDITORS came across a rather
peculiar coincidence in
the July issue of sP''. Two of the six men
The Beverly Hills HoeI and Bungalows listed in George Manness Celestial Hind-
9641 Sunset Beulevard, Berly Hills, CA 90210 (213) 276-2251
Direct Reservations (800) 283-8885 Cahle: BEVHILL Telex: 188586 TWX 910-490-2580 sight column share a birthday: Bryant
Represented nationally by 'i4 (8Cc) RWARNER Gumbel andJohn Tower were both born on
September 29. The odds ofexactly two of
six people having the same birthday are
about i in 25. On the same page (the odds
ofwhich are roughly I in 120), September
29 appears again - as the doomsday of sv
magazine, as predicted by Donald Trump.
The odds of all this happening are about
i in 1,095,000. Just a coincidence?
J ames Rosen
New thrk
(b. 9/29/70)
You certainly caught us. Mr Rosen! In addition.
Tou'er and Trump have the same number of let-
ters; Trump once chaired an NAACP conven-
tion, and Gumbel is black: the boozehound
Tower is both a Mason and a Shriner whereas
Gumbel was born in New Orleans, a city re-
nownedfor its creepy voodoolike religious cults
(and where one ofour editors, as a child, spent
a weekend during a boozy Shriners com'en-
lion,). And that's not all: all three have been
seen on the Today shout
For uzore on SPY 's imminent demise, turn to
page 42.
Remote?
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the earth.
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(I
JERRY BROWN, THE ONETIME GOVERNOR of Califor- 60 MINUTES EXECUGUY DoN HEWITT has been
nia and presidential candidate who is now the around for a long, long time, but Hewitt is 66
state's Democratic Party chairman (don't ask us
f
years )v.ung - excessively tan, excessively fit, ex-
it's apparently some kind of Zen career-in-reverse cessively man-musky, excessively vainglorious. So
T H R I N T thing), seemed eagerly on the campaign trail one it was not surprising that his thoughts on CBS
night last summer. At the Los Angeles airport, defector DIANE SAWYER'S new professional incarna-
about to board a flight for San Francisco, Brown tion were obsessed with her physical appearance.
fell into a conversation with a young woman who What the hell did she do to her eyes?, Hewitt cried
(1) was pretty, (2) was politically inclined, (3) had when he saw his ex-employee's new, improved look
byjamie Malanowski heard ofJerry Brown and (4) told him she was last summer. Then he added the charming punch
seeking a job in public service. "I'd like something line: The plastic surgeon overdid it - she looks like an
GIFTS TO THE GOVERN. more substantive," she said, to which the semi- Oriental or something.
MENT I: FROM GUILT. nanan turned LINDA RONSTAUT playmate leeringly
RACKED M5CREANTS
In these days when alleged replied, "171 give you something substantive," Later,
malefactors in Wedtech scan during the flight, Brown left his seat and, bourbon
dais and Pentagon procure. in hand, strode up the aisle, seeking his compan-
ment scandais and HIJD
scandais are pleading their
ion from the cueue. Availing himselfofthe empty BUT AT LEAST THE BOSSES at CBS News aren't
innocence, when billionaires seat next to her, he began talking of this and that, overtly cruel to current employees - that is the spe-
like Si Newhouse and Leona speaking rather more loudly than anyone else in cialty of MICHAEL GARTNER, the angry little tyrant
Heimsley are swearing to the
IRS that they are not tax
the cabin. lt was during the course of this rather who's run NBC News for the past year. Last sum-
cheats, it's sweet to hear one-sided discussion that Brown let it slip that he mer (around the time Gartner was hiring profes.
about some people who will. was hankering to run for the Senate next yeara sional-wrestling impresario DICKEBERSOL to be vice
ingly admit rheyve done confidence that came ust after he spilled his drink
something wrong. teli the
president in charge of BRYANT GUMBEL) Today show
government and freely pay on his pants. contributor NANCY COLUNS introduced herself to
their debt to society. The fact Gartner at a social event. "l've been a big fan of
chat most do so anonymously
shouidnc sour our apprecia.
your op-ed columns in The Wall StreetJournal," Col-
tion completely. lins said. Thanks I'm glad vu liked them wasn't
Every year, about 100 peo. good enough for Gartner. Well, l've enjoyed doing
pie write to the Treasury 114E FABULOUS THING ABOUT VIP DINNER PARTIES on them wasn't good enough for Gartner. Instead, he
Department in Washington
and, confessing to be guilt. the Upper East Side is that people don't go just to eat told Collins, "You wouldn't be saying that if I
stricken about defrauding the and drinktheygo to deliver invigoratingbons mots weren't your boss:' and left her standing there,
government, send payment mortified.
for their crimes. The money and wry aperçus and singular insights. Putative jour-
is deposited in the so.callcd nahst and former society boy toy BARBARA HOWAR,
Conscience Fund, and is used, for example, demonstrated her exceptional powers
to che best of its modest abil- of observation at a recent Fifth Avenue gathering
icy, to lower the federal
deficit. The first time con- of swells. While other guests talked current events
science money was paid was in over postprandial brandy and cigars Howar, who was NEW YORK PUBLISHER AND SOCIETY STOOGE ED
1811; the government received preparing to leave, directed her attention to CAROL KOSHER evidently can't get enough of himself. Even
$5, on the way to a $250
total for that year. The largest DINKINS, the wife of the tax-evading former Manhat- whileonvacation, In London the week after attend-
single contribution, $139.000, tan borough president and mayoral candidate. "I just ing MALCOLM FORBES'S birthday party in Morocco,
came sometime during che Kosner was so desperate to see himself in the Post
want to tell you:' Howar announced, "that you have
uifties, though someone sent
in $50,000 in 1985 (151 ike the nicest set of tits I have ever seen on a woman' or on Live at Five that he had his assistant fax him
Drayer? ¡van Boesky? Ed Meeie? Mrs. Dinkins, evidently overcome by Howar's compli. all the newspaper gossip columns and get hold of
Ab, i: could bave been anybody).
The current record for total
ment, managed to stammer her thanks, only to be ad- videotapes of any TV shows on which he might
annual contributions was set monished: "Don't be embarrassed - keep your back have appeared, however briefly, among the other
the next year, 1986. when straight and hold them out there for the world to see:' groveling swells at the parry
ir
the machine that each copy banner headline atop virtually every Batman ad. Preminger called Batman "the movie of the decade
cost the Govt 2 cents a thereby forever raising the stakes among frothat-the-mouth, just-spell-my-name-right blurbification con.
copy. . . . Of course J paid tenders. We had a chat with Preminger. He says he meant every word of it.
nothing for the sheets I dupli.
cated. At 250 shects 2 cents a On whether he noticed that hardly a day went by all on being asked to name some other movie.of-the.
copy would be $5. . . J am
.
sending $20 since the Bible summer long without every newspaper in America decade contenders: "Oh, I would hate to do that
says the thief has to pay back printing his blurb: '1 am aware ofit. I am surprised. off the top of my head. Can I call you back in 20
4 fold." And, in fact, if you go back to one of the earlier minutes?"
"Your Federal Welfare ads, you will see that it was more in context: It Twenty minutes later: "Hi, it's Erik Preminger. Let
Ofluice helped mc and my fam-
ily when I was a kid, and I am
may even be the movie ofthe decade,' or something me give you a list of the movies that certainly
crying to pay you back. En- like that." qualify for me as among the greatest movies of the
closed is $1000. . . . I would Second-best blurb he could think of "Another thing decade."
have been able to send chis I've said about this movie which sums it up for
years ago. if the world had
Some of Erik Lee Preminger's other movie-of-tb..
given me only half a chance me is, 'It's brilliantly conceived and perfectly decade contenders:
to get a job to work and sup- executed."
port myself, much less be able Zdig
to get ahead. Just because I Why Botmon is the best movie of the post ten years:
The Killing Fields
happened to be born a woman "For me this movie totally transcended the genre
Prizzi's Honor
instead of a man. Too bad." unlike any other fantasy movie I've ever seen. You
Something Wild
"I am enclosing a check know what's motivating the characters in this
for $80.00 dollars. This pay- movie. No one knows what motivates Superman, One lost thing: "If you are going to quote me, could
ment is for a connection box
that I damaged back in 1974 right? These are the tlings that make this a great I give you the correct spelling ofmy name to make
while on board the U.SS. movie." sure you have it right?" -Adam Lip:ak
Midway CVA-41. In following
J esus Christ of Nazareth men- ,v,.v,,,..,, , ,v,,v.,,..v,.,,. , ,v,,..,v V V T V ?
tioned in che New Testament
of the Holy Bible, I am con
vicced [k) that God wants
me to do something about THE ONTOLOGY OF PORNOGRAPHY
this issue." Ten Valuable Lessons About Life Learned Watching X.Rated Videotapes
-I arrived at Houston Hob-
by Airport . . . on June 16. 1. A couple can always rejuve 4. A woman's bath is not corn- 8. It is considered standard Oper.
1986. 1 used a metered cab...
to go from Hobby Airport
nate a troubled marriage by hay- plete until she either mastur- acing procedure for law.enforce-
to the Downtown Holiday ing sex with friends, business bates or has sex with the people ment officials to have sexual
Inn. . . .The meter in the cab associates and strangers. who unexpectedly join her. relations with witnesses and sus-
read $14.95. I gave the cab
driver $17.00 and requested a pects during questioning and
receipt (or $15.00. figuring 2. The first thing any woman is 5. The sale of a house or condo- interrogacion.
the government wouldnt be. inclined to do upon awakening minium is traditionally closed
grudge me 5 cents since I
didnt intend to claim the tip from a night's sleep is have sex by the purchaser's having sex 9. When one discovers a spouse
in my expense report. On with the person sleeping next to with the broker, engaged in a homosexual affair
June 18 . . . I left the Federal her. If she has slept alone, she the appropriate response is not
Courthouse in Houston bound
for Hobby Airport. . . The.
will have sex by herself. 6. When a burglar surprises to file for divorce but to join in.
mecer read $16.01 when I someone at home, the intruder
reached the airport. I gave the 3, Whenever one calls a friend, and the homeowner have plea.
driver $18.00 and requested a
lo. Grocery, pizza and news-
receipt for $16.00. . . I am en-
. spouse, employer, politician or surable sex. paper delivery men routinely
closing the 4 centi and please clergyman on the telephone, it accept sexual favors instead of
before I am sent off again is probable that he or she is hay- 7. All maids, chauffeurs, cooks
send me a copy of the rules
money as payment for their
and regulations you use to ing sex with someone during the and butlers are willing, skillful goods and services.
decide allowable expenses. conversation. sexual partners. - Charles Kadoo
Own a bottle.
It's worth the price
to have at least one thing in your life
that's simply perfect.
Tanqueray. A singular experience.
II,,Ied I r'.I,t í.. 4/3 AI Vel 94 ICC. G NI,d SrI, (C 1999 S&rnt1IeI & S,,n,,et C'.,. N,,* Yo. N
p
I. J i(/).j
I(I.fi1 r'
OCTOBER
D AT E B O O K
TNt VIWI PlINY COHTSUCO Enchanting and periodically this lunch now, boss:'
Alarming Events month, museum 20 The Museum of
might save us both some
lt
westward, well, lets let him Oceanic Birds at che Valley's unique cultural ya doin boss? Gonna 31 Halloween. Okay,
defend the Bundesrepublik Museum of Natural landscape, which Xerox some letters not the Village; where,
on his own. What makes
these trinket exchanges even History, where, contrasts the gritty now, boss. Going to then? )
more meaningless is that U.S.
law prohibits our officials
from keeping and enjoying
any memento worth more
than $180 (unless che official
wants to íty it from the
federal government, which he TEN YEARS AGO N SPY
or she can do after a bureau.
cracically regulated period "Koch hasn't been a terrible mayor so far, but there's something about
has elapsed). Most of the ob.
jects end up in the National the guy that makes me nervous. I can picture him throwing himself
Archives or in General Ser. into the arms of the Republicans a few years down the road. And I can
vices Mministration scorc- picture him running for governor (although I do think that Cuomo has
rooms, where a lucky few get
distributed co backwater ar- his number now, and would come out ahead in any contest between
my bases and remote Social the two of them). I also have the feeling that Koch is going to fill City
Security check-processing cen- Hall with exactly the sort of corrupt old hacks he claims to despise.
tels and other official build-
ings in che empire. Here are One thing's for certain, though: this guy is going to be with us for a
or veen1e?
some of the host gifts Presi- long, long time, certainly the rest of the decade." unaerin
dent and Mrs. Reagan collected
during 1988, along with their
officially estimated value. from "Koch's First Year: A Report Card,"
"Art": An embroidered by David Owen, spy, October 1979
tapestry of a village scene.
(rom the president of
TN! FIHt PINY COHTII4UIO hey say girls in southern California refer to a date ALLIANCE; PEACE IS OUR ONLY SECURITY; BREAD,
not by his name but by his make ofcar. We suppose NOT BOMBS; CHILDCARE, NOT WARFARE; GIVE
Bangladesh ($125); a green car choice does reveal a lot about a person, but PEACE A CHANCE; VISUALIZE WORLD PEACE; IF YOU
scone carving entitled Fish
and Bird, from Canadian what does it mean ¡fan entire city seems to drive the WANT PEACE, WORK IOR JUSTICE; KICK THE BOMB
prime minister Brian Mu1. same sort ofcar? And what ifthat sort ofcar comes HABIT; FREEZE NOW OR BURN LATER
roney ($750); an 80-square. from a neutral, quasi-socialist, environmentally Central America: YOUR TAXES PAY FOR TORTURE,
foos acrylic carpet depicting
the Reagans ($2.000) and a conscious country with no nuclear weapons and RAPE, AND MURDER IN CENTRAL AMERICA; STOP
smaller, wool rug showing "a lots of government-provided child care? Does it U.S. AID TO EL SALVADOR (3); STOP U.S. WAR ON
charming scene of a town with mean that the city wants to be like that country? NICARAGUA; NO VIETNAM WAR IN CENTRAL AMER-
naieve styic people (sic) and
animal figures" ($200), from Yes, we're talking about Cambridge, Massachu- ¡CA; EL SALVADOR IS SPANISH FOR VIETNAM; NO U.S.
President Hosni Mubarak of setts, Sweden on the Charles. Saab reckons that SS FOR DEATH SQUAD GOVERNMENT IN EL SALVADOR
Egypt; a bronze sculpture, 2,240 of its cars are running around Cambridge, U.S. politics: GEORGE BUSH COULDN'T RUN A
Arab Mare and Stallion. from
François Mitterrand ($5,500); accounting for nearly 6 percent ofthe town's vehi- LAUNDROMAT; BUSH-NORIEGA '88; BUSH»KHOMEINI
a porcelain figurine of a rider des-16 times the national average. Volvds main '88; JACKSON '88; MONDALE/FERRARO
on a stallion with two hunt. Cambridge dealership is among the busiest in the Miaic: GRATEFUL DEAD (6)
ing dogs, from the premier of
Bavaria ($1.000); an ivory country, disgorging nine more Volvos every week. Miscellaneotti world isjues and exhortations:
statuette of a man wearing a Naturally, here in Causeville U.S.A. , the bumper ABOLISH APARTHEID (3); I SUPPORT GREENPEACE
leaf costume and headdress. sticker has not gone out of vogue. Even a casual (3); THINK GLOBALLY, ACT LOCALLY (2); BOYCOTT
from the president of Guinea
($1,500); a brass map depict.
stroll, from the Nature Food Center on Massa- SOUTH AFRICA, NOT NICARAGUA (2); IMAGINE: A
ingJerusalem as the center of chusetts Avenue, through Harvard Square and WORLD WITHOUT HUNGER; ONCE IS NOT
the world, from Mayor Teddy down Brattle Street, epicenter of the Cambridge ENOUGH: RECYCLE; MEN ARE NOT SUCCESS OB-
KoLlek oíJerusalem ($750); a
sterling silver model of a gentry, proves it. This is Neighborhood 10, in the JEC'FS; SEXISM HURTS, EQUALITY HEALS; LET GO,
traditional Kuwaiti boat, parlance of the 1980 census, 93.4 percent white, LET GOD
from the prime minister of mean family income 85 percent higher than the The tally was 45 stickers in 45 minutes. Only
Kuwait ($1,500); two hand.
carved gazelle masks from the city's as a whole. There are lots of Saabs and 21 two did not express left-of-center or countercultural
president of" Mali ($600); an Volvos on our three-mile walk, and on them and sentiments. One was on a taxicab (so MANY PEDES-
oil painting oft-wo women other vehicles the following bumper stickers: TRIANS, SO LITTLE TIME) and the other i ),( LA
and a child, and a brass
figure of a man, from the Peace: SAVE THE HUMANS/PLANETARY PEACE was on a car with New York plates. - Bruce irving
president of Zaire ($1,650).
Ph001: A leatherbound -,'-.. v_ 'VP..'f- -'.." As.' J5JW
album of 38 photos of the
Reagans visit to Finland,
from the prime minister
($391); a leather album of 22 L,t/()41 fte I,1e
tiecj?__) :I-#'s O1OtJW5')IS
photos of the participants in BAt46! ' ritiks...
the economic summit, from EV((yO,te'S
IJep1.t owl! :rtqi- &"'
the Canadian government
($321); a leather-framed
Ik
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WHAT'S IN
b /'(('1tIÌ8-O-MAT
A NAME? Capsule i%lovie Rwiews by Valter Dateline: The Copa MonheitTM . '
TIME-LIFE BOOKS LOSER TAKES ALL, starring Molly Ringwald, Robert Lindsay (Mirarnax)
BITE OF SUME. OK? Walter Mopiheit says. "Good golly, Miss Molly! You're all grown up and
oof!what a woman!"
STEALTH BOMBERS
HOTBLASTEMBERS OLD GRINGO, starringJane Fonda,Jimmy Smits, Gregory Peck (Columbia)
Walter Monheit says. "Gregory Peck's Golden Pond and don't be surprisei
AARON SPELLING Oscar takes o dip!"
RAN GENIAL SLOP
46 Sn OCTOBER 1989
J_ t is
now socaliy acce1)IWlc to eat Jiaagcni )z ice cream th
your fingers.
he front page of the take-out menu for are a number ofaffihiated Cottage restau- cently serviceable"). Above these quoc
Downtown Szechuan Hunan Cottage, on rants in New York, and at least four of are four large red stars reminiscent of th
Warren Street, features blurbs from two them quote the Monitor review. Times's highest-raring symbol; in fac
restaurant reviews, one from the Times We ran these discrepancies past Rich. Sheraton had awarded the Empire Sz
and the other from The Christian Science ard at Hunan Cottage 18th Street, who chuan Gourmet, at Broadway and 94t
Monitor. You didn't know that the Times re- said, "Ahthat's interesting to know." Street, just one star.
views unknown, hole-in-the-wall Chinese John at the Szechuan Hunan Cottage on There is also a more recent (1985
restaurants? The Times didn't, either. York Avenue was more truculent: "So? quote attributed to the Times: "It is 11k
According to the menu, the following What's your point?" designer Chinese food. . . . lt is healthy an'
appeared on July 20, 1983, under Fred The Cottage restaurants are nothing nonfattening. . . and it ¡s fast." But, onc
Feretti's byline: "Szechuan Hunan Cottage compared with the Empire Szechuan again, the 1985 article was not a review
is the most delicious, service and the group, one outpost ofwhich was described this time it was an About New York co
fastest delivery in Manhattan area. All of in a New York magazine news article (not umn. The "designer Chinese food" remar
the customers remarked - it's a best res- a review) by a "bewildered downtown resi- came from "a self-described young urbai
taurant." Where did this Feretti guy learn dent" as "the restaurant that ate the West professional" who was at Empire Szechuai
to write? Well, there is a Fred Ferretti, and Side." Weirdly, aiofthe Empire Szechuan Gourmet co pick up an order; the "health
the paper did publish an article of his on restaurants feature this not-precisely- and nonfattening" and "fast" quotes cam
that date, compellingly titled "Chinese flattering quote on their delivery menus. from another customer, who characterize
Food Places Vying on Delivery." The prob- They also share two ten-year-old quotes her husband and herself by saying,
lem is that Downtown Szechuan Hunan from then Times reviewer Mimi Sheraton: are Yuppies. . . . I don't like to cook."
Cottage wasn't mentioned anywhere in "Good Chinese food at amazing low price" Is there any way to stop this rampan
the pieceand the piece wasn't even a and "Low price for food that is freshly Chinese restaurant blurb abuse? No. Evei
restaurant review. prepared. At dinner fresh fruit is served this article could serve as grist for the Coi
In his article, Ferrerti pined, bizarrely, gratis" (Sheraton actually wrote "amaz- tage and Empire mills. So let's make i
for the good old days when Chinese places ingly low prices" and "typically low prices easy on everyone: "The best restaurant ii
"would find restaurant reviewers, often for food that is freshly prepared and de- New York - py magazine." - Kevin Co
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ast. patronage-besotted, nice-guy-crushing, brain-dead - the ungenerous epithets spy periodically publishes Letters to the Editor
or government bureaucracy in New York City abound. But we know better.Just look ofThe New Yorker because The New Yorker
n your NYNEX phone books Blue Pages for Government Listings: there, afloat like doesnt, Still. Address correspondence to Dear
"
an ebony fleet of dinghies upon an aquamarine sea, are invaluable numbers for city, Bob, do spy, The SPY Building, 5 Union
state and federa! agencies where eager civil servants would like nothing better than to Square West, New York, N.Y ¡0003.
detoxify your child, seize your assets or plug your pothole.
But theres a problem. You need help now. So, to help make your wanderings through DEAR BOB,
the government labyrinth every bit as fun and easy as we know they can be, we've taken J Ost got through running the numbers
a cue from superfriendly corporations, such as the worldwide flora! deliverers on one of Elizabeth Drew's Letters from
1-800-FLOWERS, and created this acronymic mnemonic phone directory. Washington from earlier this year.
BuildingsUnsafe and KOOL ITT Noise Complaints YO! MR! 500 The letter has 6,912 words, figuring 6
Illegal Use Real Estate Sales TOO V.1 P. 0 words to a line. It contains 256 sentences;
Correction Business CON-1000 Residential
Information Secret ServiceUS. GO MIG! 00 an average sentence is 27 words and change.
Correction Inmate & RATS-000 Sidewalk Repair KOMA 0-0W! Drew's shortest sentence: "Kemp is a
Visit Information Social Security gamble" The longest: 'And then last week
CorruptionN.Y.C. TALK. Y00! Medicare &
Federal Inlormation 2: OH! HI! OH! brought the surprising news, in The Wash-
Supplemental
Center Security Income ington Posi, that Treasury Secretary Baker
Federaljob Information BOG O GAB Manhattan I DA DA DA held considerable stock in Chemical Bank
Center Bronx RX? HA! 000
LOOT OK O Stock & Bond AM I lN CO1 and also in oil-and-gas venturesat
Hospitals, Municipal
Information Complaints the saine time that he was arguing that
Income TaxFederal 1-800-GAG-FORM Tax MattcrsN.YS. 1-800-HIDE: BOO! banks should not be asked to write off
Forms Only (24 his.) Income Tax Refunds
LUSH-002 TaxisNYC. TOXIC DR(iver}
some oftheir Third World loans, and that
Liquor AutborityNYS.
Marriage License Bureau BOY-A-WOO Complaints he was pushing (successfully) for retention
Mayor's Office KOOKS-00 Martin Kih,2 oftax breaks for the oil-and-gas industry
in the tax-reform bill Reagan proposed to
Congress, and lobbying Congress (also
IF You KNEW Suit LIKE SNEED KNOWS SULY successfully) to protect those breaks."
It:c Not Plagiarism - It Homage Drew delivers just 27 paragraphs.
Thoughts are expressed in parentheses 76
'I ugh Hefner's pre-marital agreement with his bride-to-bc Kimberly Conrad is said
- times - 2 .8 parenthetical thoughts per
to be a couple of inches thick. Let's hope she settled for more than his old pajamas paragraph.
and that dumb pipe" Suzy, New York Post, May 18 All but two quotes are either from the
public record or attributed to unnamed
"Hugh Heiner's premarital agreement with bride-to-be Kimberly Conrad is said to he a sources, including"a Republican strategist,"
couple of inches thick. Let's hope she settled for more than his old pajamas and that 'a Republican congressional leader," "a
dumb pipe." Michael Sneed, Chicago San-Tirnes, May 29 Democratic Senate aide," a prominent Dem-
ocratic senator," "a foreign-policy official"
and "one key Democrat," Other insights
come from "a high ocial," "one
former Reagan Administration official,"
"a number of people," "some people,"
"one Presidential adviser," "some Bush ad-
visers," "a number ofpoliticians" and agreat
many Democratic politicians."
Conclusion: when contract talks come
up again, Drew would do well to continue
being paid by the word (or line, paren
thesis or unnamed source), not by the
paragraph, sentence or named source,
That's what the numbers tell me,
i
o anyway.
1F/RÇSWEPT T,Xf 4 ccci
Ty,<c'
Name withheld on request
.508W4y 7bDlY- ,VO ry6:S W6T IIvJUREZ:, Chevy Chase, Maryland )
i"Be nice."
ex. lghtew tip ziih the
Original ¡%gu(lr(/ieFlte
Importedfroti Colombia.
-
:
p"How can I be anything but -
with someone brilliant, arrogant
L_ and obviously bigger than I am?'
I 100% Colo,nhian:
CRIS'IAL (neat)
u
100% New Thrk:
CRISIAI. soda
&Iimcslicc.
!th)% Chfrago:
(:RIsmL & (okc
"L'in too l)rIlIIant
I
100% ¿tíiami: to be arrogant."
CRISTAL, O.J.
& orange slice.
"Persuade me."
'/00% L.A.
(:R1s'IAI. & a slice
. . .of anything!
"You'regoing to have
to do more than that!"
Take my CRIS'l'AI....
and then L)eg for I
fly forgiveness."
iII!
"l'll take your cRISTAL...
1011 (W?l /)eg to get it back."
' I,'I't('(f (( ¡/
magine, ifyou will, an alternate world, John Kennedy on Earth: Parallel World Richard Nixon:
parallel to our own yet strangely different. '
.__;
world where poets and painters are the she was getting into.
.
>SSS:; for his daughtei
' Shortly after the
J
.
party, Senator Kennedy sat k group of older boys to a
opposite a young woman, bootlegger's still, he ran the car into a "During these years Wa
L,m. ç':
ditch and wrecked it, and, standing there
.
k
Jacqueline Bouvier. T Disney made many cartoc
"He was attracted by her shy, quiet on the lonely country road, said: '1 just shorts. He made Donai
manner and by her great beauty. They saw
each other often, and before long they
can't face my father.' . . . He slept in the
wrecked car, in the morning hitchhiked to
r4
, *.
Duck pictures, Silly Syr
phonies, The Tortoise and:
were married. Austin, and from there took a bus 160 Hare, and The Three Little Pigs. These we
"Theirs was a happy life together ...... miles south to Robstown." all very popular."
- Patricia Miles Martin, - Robert A. Caro, - Elizabeth Rider Montgomet
John Fitzgerald Kennedy, The Y&rs ofLyndonJohnson: The Path to Power Walt Disney: Master of Make-Belisi
G.P. Putnam's Sons, 1964 Alfred A. Knopf, 1983 Garrard Publishing Company, l9
had any idea of refusing the medal. It woman. What in H do you mean by "Do-
came from the head of a government he ing what I like best to doreading." I
'
"Time and again, mem- respected and a people he admired, and would rather a damned sight look at some
.
fA ?
bers of Disney's staff he was pleased with the gesture." thing else than [a) book and you know
/ came up
)
with new - Leonard Mosley, what it is too. It looks like a skunk."
-. .,,.. characters who would Lindbergh: A Biography, - Martin Blumenson, Patton:
\ \) soon win international Doubleday, 1976 The Man Behind the Legend 1885-1945,
fameDonald Duck, Pluto, William Morrow & Company, 1987
the Big Bad Wolf, the Wicked Witch ... Parallel World Pablo Picasso:
but he aggressively refused to allow them Parallel World Ronald Reagan:
to take credit for their inventions. Nor r-- "He was no longer a child, and
would he share it with them. . . . (He told a his freedom began when, refus- "[Reagan's Las Vegas
e--
new employee,) 'What we're selling here is ::'Ì ing to live at the home of his nightclub act) was a
j'
the name Walt Disney. If you can swallow .
parents, he found his lodgings sellout every night.
1.2.' ; S
;
that and always remember it, you'll be and studios wherever he could, :&
,
.
Other offers came in,
happy here. But if you've got any ideas generally sharing them with other artists." but Nancy and Ron
about seeing (your name) up there, it's - Howard Greenfeld, decided that two weeks ofthat kind of life
best for you to leave right away.'" Pablo Picasso: An Introduction, away from their baby daughter was
- Leonard Mosley, Follett Publishing Company, 1971 enough."
Disney's World, Mary Virginia Fox,
Stein and Day Publishers, 1985 Pablo Picasso on Earth: Mister President: The Story ofRonald Reagan,
Enslow Publishers Inc., 1986
ralIel World Charles Lindbergh: "Pablo left home for a few
¿)'t weeks and moved into [a) Ronald Reagan on Earth:
was award- -- brothel. . . . There was, of
fi,-
ed the Service Cross of
-,"Lindbergh course, no electricity or run-
ç "[The act included a)
g
the German Eagle by -,
.
17
more than 40 years." now going 'to have to suffer a retreating
.- was a belated recogni- John Devaney, army of fading Hollywood stars.'
r'
:
:: :
on ofhis
flight (most nations
Blood and Guts,
Julian Messner, 1982
"The desert heat had begun to beat
down for the day as the Reagans headed
had decorated him ten homeward the morning after the last
d11I7lì.Ç night of the engagement. Reagan had hit
- years earlier), it could only
be confirmation that the Nazis
regarded him as their friend. . . . [The
,e
George Patton on Earth:
refuse it. . . . In fact, Charles Lindbergh never '«q. ling One: You are one fierce - Cate Plys and Robert Leighton
PerhapsJay Leno put it best: "Dukakis is Greek for Mondale." In each ofthe instances belos; was it
Walter Mondale, the doomed 1984 Democratic presidential candidae, or was it Michael Dukakis,
"It seems like the doomed 1988 Democratic presidential candidate?
29 minutes."
Nancy Reagan in 1. His media director boasted that the candidate dares to be cautious."
1981, on the occasion 2. Tip O'Neill said he had to "stop acting like a gentleman and come out fighting."
of her 29th wedding
anniversary
3, Interviewing him was compared to "popping a quarter into a jukebox."
4. His campaign team was described by Andrew Young as "a bunch ofsrnart-assed white boys who
"It feels like think they know it all.'
30 minutes." 5. He was described as "a candidate who, when a match was lit in the vicinity poured gasoline all
Nancy Reagan in over himself."
1982, on the occasion 6. His performance at his second debate prompted Bill Moyers to observe, "He kept going for the
ofher 30th wedding
anniversary
jugular with a feather."
7. His campaign inspired the observation that he was "auditing this race without understanding
"I cannot believe that there's going to be a grade at the end of it."
it's been 32 years 8. He was described by columnist Murray Kempton as having "risen up as the fighting liberal he
It seems like would have been too sensible to be if he felt there was a chance of victory left."
32 minutes." 9. He was urged by a Village Voice writer to "take off the gloves or bend over."
Nancy Reagan in lo. He explained his wussiness by saying, "I'm slow to anger."
1984, on the occasion 11. He was referred to as a "tourniquet oía man."
of her 32nd wedding
anniversary
12. He said there was a public image ofhim as a "kind ofslug," and "how it developed, I don't know."
13. He was described by Murray Kempton as "so pathetically terminal a case that to keep on notic-
"It seems like ing his limitations is a kind of cruelty"
36 minutes." 14. He was described by Mario Cuomds mother as "polenta."
- Nancy Reagan in 15. He was described as "the kind ofguy you'd like to have in your foxholeifyou wanted to study
[988, on the occasion soil erosion."
ofher 36th wedding
anniversary SDiVNflO :Çj 'ct 'u 'ot 'L 'Ç 'Ç 1VUNO' 1 'I '6 '8 '9 ' 'Z 'I SI3,XSNV
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heyll play the World Series again this monses, 102 civilians and 33 police offi. dudes general looting, vandalized street
year, and if past is prologue, one of the cers injured, 8 city cars damaged. The signs and uprooted trees.
teams will win it. In that team's town, cost to the city for the ticker-tape parade i 9 1 1 . Yankees defeat Dodgers in World
hearts will pound, spirits will soar, grown- is $63OOOO. Series: 45 arrests, 400 summonses, more
ups will give one another high fives and i 9 8 4 . Detroit beats Padres in World than 20 civilian injuries, 22 police offi-
wave hankies. It will be a memorable day. Series: 42 arrests, 80 injuries, i man cers hurt, 2,000 bleacher seats stolen
A world championship means that brag- killed, 3 reported rapes, 8 police vehicles from Yankee Stadium.
ging rights are yours for a year. lt means and many other vehicles set afire or other- i911 . Pittsburgh beats Orioles in
your old college roommate can no longer wise destroyed, 8 stores vandalized. Re- World Series: 98 arrests, "dozens" injured,
call with taunts about your "basement" pairs to the ravaged Tiger Stadium cost scattered shootings, 30 stores looted,
team. lt means you'll have a chance to do $50,000. Mayor Coleman Young is ob- 2 holdups, 12 overturned cars, a police
a little looting. In baseball, as in football, liged to admit. 'A few jerks caused some motorcycle and a taxi torched, 2 police
hockey and basketball, victory celebra- problems." cruisers commandeered, streets flooded
tions often escalate from giddy delirium i 9 8 0 - Philadelphia defeats Royals in when fire hydrants uncapped, bonfires set
to boneheaded violence, to the extent that World Series: 180 criminal and drunken- across town, phone booths and news-
we wonder if prudent citizens shouldnt ness-related arrests, i murder, another stands ripped from foundations, street
prefer individuals whining "Wait'll next shooting, 3 police officers injured, at least lamps toppled and reports of"sex in the
year!" to mobs chanting "W&re number 2 liquor stores looted; $500,000 estimated streets." A police official attributes the
one!" Here are some stats. cleanup bill for victory parade. tumult to "some bad eggs."
i g i 9 . Pittsburgh defeats Baltimore in
in World Series: 23 arrests, 41 sum- ten by police dogs. Property damage in- win Super Bowl: 51 arrests, 24 injuries
reported, shootings and assaults, a taxi Stanley Cup: 9 arrests, 40 stores damaged 1986 NCAA championship: bonfire ig-
overturned, windows broken and thou- or looted, cars overturned - a very seri- nited near campus, traffic light vandal-
sands of dollars' worth of goods looted ous riot by Canadian standards. ized, motorists bombarded by rocks and
from stores. i g i 5 . Philadelphia beats Buffalo to win bottles.
i 9 $ 5 . San Francisco defeats Miami Stanley Cup: many incidents of streaking.
in Super Bowl: 237 arrests, bonfires set i 9 1 4 . Philadelphia beats Bruins to There is one city that takes its titles more
across town, bloody fistfights, lootings, win Stanley Cup: 161 arrests. 17 reported serenely. Although Los Angeles has been
and a trolley pulled from its wires. One injuries (9 caused by police horses), more the home of eight major-league cham-
man celebrates by breaking up the side- than $10,000 in damage to city buses pionship teams in three sports during the
walk with a sledgehammer. alone. Police resort to tear gas to calm 1980sthe Lakers in 1980, 1982, 1985,
. San Francisco beats Cincinnati
iIO2 revelers. 1987 and 1988, the Dodgers in 1981 and
in Super Bowl: 97 arrests, 170 injuries 1988, and the Raiders in 1984the city
reported, 12 police officers injured, 60 has remained characteristically placid.
charges of police brutality filed, 6 po- i 9 8 9 . Michigan defeats Seton Hall to The most recent pair of Laker titles pro-
lice cars and Mayor Dianne Feinsteins win NCAA title: 8 arrests, 51 treated for duced a grand total oftwo arrests - police
limo trampled, 3 buses and 2 trolley injuries, taxis and vending machines over- apprehended two men who unthinkingly
cars damaged. Says a police spokesman, turned, 181 street signs and 2 stoplights drove a stolen car through the official
From 9:00 p.m. to midnight the situa- vandalized, and a fire truck comman- parade area (though seven cars were im-
non was questionable, as far as control deered and its hose employed in a tug-of. pounded, a serious punishment in that
was concerned." war game. The celebration is described as excessively mobile society). When the
'the worst student disorder since the Viet- Dodgers won the World Series last year,
nam War protests." there was not a single revelry-related
i9I . Montreal defeats Calgary to win i 9 B G . Louisville defeats Duke to win arrest. Larry Hettleman
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here was every reason to 'You are such sensitive she said.
man1'
plaining that she found her rental house
believe that when Judy You look like a man deeply troubled it too small and stuffy an improbable
Miller was moved from shows on your face." Abe, evidently moved complaint, given that she had spent years
her post as deputy Wash- by Judys compassion, leaned toward her working in Cairo and Beirut. But in
ingcon bureau chieflate and complimented her on her own sensi- Cairo or Beirut, of course, you wouldnt
last year, her long-stand- tivity and rare perception. find middle-aged Jason Epstein, editorial
ing custom of getting indecorously close Such interpersonal skillsJudy no doubt director of Random House, with a Sag
to highly placed male sources would end. put to good use in her days as a corre- Harbor place that just happens to be
She is attracted more to the power the spondent in Paris, Beirut and Cairo. Re- large and airy. What to do?Judy decided
men in her orbit have than to the men garded by her peers as a dogged, talented to move into Epsteins houseto work,
themselves; her first words upon entering journalist, she received more ambivalent naturally. The only trouble was, there'd
a room are often "Okay, whos important reviews for her after-hours work. Fellow been a rather farfetched rumor going
here?' The list of middle-aged, quasi- female correspondents in Beirut had a around the Hamptons early in the sum-
available powerguys from Judy's colorful very rough nickname forJudyEgregious mer that Epstein was dating Random
past is a long one, incorporating everyone Cunt"which some of them abbreviated House publisher Joni Evans. Judy
from guitar-picking Republican national (E.C.) and had onto T-shirts. reportedly asked a friend just how
chairmen to anchorgirl-dating former Judys living accommodations in those farfetched the romance rumors were.
assistant secretaries of State. far-flung outposts were ripe topics ofcon- Really farfetched, the friend reassured
One would think that planting Judy versation. Her bedroom in Cairo, for in- her. Hmmm: powerful, middle-aged and
back in New York as deputy to cultural- stance, had white shag carpeting and quasi-available.
affairs editor Marty Arnold would afford bedspread and curtains in an electric- Soon enough,Judy andJason began to
her superiors an opportunity to keep an blue-and-orange design. When a fellow be seen together, attending several parties
eye on her, thereby enabling them to stop correspondent took over her apartment in a single weekend. (At one dinner party,
her from doing anything that might make in Beirut, it was discovered that although after Epstein reached for a brownie, Judy
her feel cheap and dirty in the morning. the place was to be let furnished, playfully slapped his wrist and
And with a new presidential administra- there were no sheets available.
h ¡J o
whispered, "Now, don't forget
tion and therefore a fresh stable of When news of this reached the powe)gld'y3 your diet!")
city's press community, one unkind J0»l One does have to be impressed
middle-aged, quasi-available powerguys
to develop as sourcesthe timing of the journalist commented, "She didth by the speed at whichJudy moves.
move seemed especially propitious. want anyone to see her notes." past In the Hamptons only a few short
It was always something oía wonder to This past summer Judy rented ' a long one, weeks and already she had in her
her colleagues at the Times that Judy a small cottage in Sag Harbor to incorporating clasp one of the few wealthy, pow-
managed to get away with her shenani- finish her Holocaust book, a book, Republican erful bachelors available and
gans for so long. Tactical bum-kissing bad she told friends, that she wanted national one whose line of work, publish-
a lot to do with it, especially in the days to get out in time for "the Chanu- chairmen and ¡ng, just happens to be the prin-
when Abe Rosenthal was running the kah market:' Something went former dpa! area of her own cultural
paper. She could play Abe expertly, alter- wrong with her word processor, assistant beat at the Times! Around the time
nately toadying before him and making however, and, unable to print any- ecretaries Judy moved in with Epstein, Elea-
'
of
him feel like her daddy. Shortly after Abe thing out, she had to periodically nor Blau, in the Times's culture
State
walked out on his long-suffering wife Ann, lug the machine over to the Sag pages, devoted 925 words (accom-
he went to a dinner party at which Judy Harbor home of her editor at Simon & panied by a flattering photograph) to an
was present. Before he arrived, she regaled Schuster, Alice Mayhew, so that she could editor-entrepreneur behind a mail-order
the assembly with details ofthe Rosenthal look at the revisions on Judy's computer bookselling scheme called The Reader's
breakup. When Abe arrived looking fret- screen an inconvenience that annoyed Catalogue- none other than Judy's new
ful, she innocently asked him if some- technology-shy Mayhew considerably. middle-aged powerguy, Jason Epstein.
thing was wrong between him and Ann. It wasn't long beforejudy began corn- jj
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TheSPY I 00. First, chccomplicated formula which still solely determines the SC()TC5, and therefore che list itself, "disgrace to humanity in general" ............ 10
has changed a bit. Gone is the 'Numbcr oÍSPY Issues Mentioned In" category, a change i nst iruted both to avoid &x*Ii ......................................... 198.00
chzrges ofunseemly sell-teferentialism and to rcducc the chance olmuciny among the summer interns, who had
traditionally handled the laborious chore olcounting. Which brings us to the second change.
In 1987 Donald Trump ranked No. 3. By last year he had begun to annoy, alarm and appall in so many
different ways that he made the list five cimes (Nos. 10, 14, 21 , 26 and 30). This year he has moved to another LI19S8RAr'iK .........................................
plane altogether. He has ceased to he a player and has instead become part oíthe playing field. Trumpdoes not INHERENTLOATHSOMENESS ...................... 9
win a position on the list this year, but his ethos does, all over the place. We realized that he had caused, MISDEEDS: Millions in HUD funds funneled
commented upon or in some more tangencial way had something to do with every single one ofthe entries on to developers who retained such expert GOP
The SPY 100, and so a new category had co be created to speak to the overall Trump-relatedness ofany given housing consultants as James Watt and AI
honoree. (In the revised SPY 100 formula T is for TrumpScore', L is for Inherent Loathsomeness, M is for D'Amato (while evaluating procedures were
Misdeeds, F is for Mitigating Factors and B is for Bonus Points.) Finally, as overlooked); even though corruption reached all
u MAX(2xT,M)xM . . .
SCORE - + +1 we mentioned at the beginning, The SPY 100 represents lust a fraction of the way co Puerco Rico and Budapest, former
2 vT + i a much longer list. Apart from Imelda Marcos, some ofthc other also-tans HUD secretary Samuel Pierce insisted he was
annoying, alarming and appalling, to he sure, but relatively less soinclude the following: The Situation n unaware offavoritismand then blamed the
Namibia(No. 262);That Episode ofL.,1. Lau'Last Winter in Which Abby Shot a Lead-Pipe-Wielding Maniac scandal on an aide .................................... 10
(No. 543); and, ofcoursc, The Way che Downtown No. 6 'l'tain Stops at the Broadway-Lafayette Station but the MITIGATING Facroas: Proved Republicans
Uptown No. 6 Doesn't (No. 999). like throwing money at social problems,
too, as long as they can catch some of it in
midflighc
-'-sv\ I;
................................................... 2
tomakeabuck" ......................................... 9
issues . " Don 't be a dope, LurnpyifDukakis gets it. wont ten mink/cs pais before the niggers are
SCaRF ........................................ 175.78
oui ofjail and in your bedroom. Only queJiioPi is whether they 'Il make 011 watch them rape your
old lady or slit your throat first. "No, Mrs. Cleaver, I never said chat Governor Dukakis
received shock rreatments." I'm tellin'ya, sport, theguuy's seen a nut doctor. "No, Mrs. Cleaver,
I deplore as much as you do this unfair characterization of the speaker of the House. " Ah, .........................................
shaddap, squirt, or I'll takeya over to Foley's office. i he.ai'you'rejust his type. Ifonly Bush had the INHERSN1 LOAThSOMENESS .................... 10
backbone ofWaIly Cleaver. Ifonly Bush would stand dI9S8RANK
Misoaeos: Excessive hype made
1988 RANK ..........................................
up and say, "Hey, Leelay off." But no: the president disappointment inevitable. Trailer premiered in
10
says, .'He looked me right in the eye and told me he
. INHERENT LOATHSOMeNESS
. .....................
theaters six months before movic; provoked
MISDEEDS ........................................... 10 hypernerdy passion becter left private-50,000
knew nothing about [the Foley smear]," leaving
MITIGATING FACTORS letters protesting Warner Bros.' casting of
Atwater free to run his political party like an ugly frac, ............................. 1
I
West and Burt Ward to stop
wearing their old bat costumes to
i%i . I__I mall openings and junior high
L1988a»K ......................................... - 1988RANK .......................................... 2 school assemblies .................. 2
INHEREN1 LOAÌThOMENESS .................... 10 INHassier LOATHsoMENESS .................... 10 BONUS Poirs: The bat logo.
Misoaos: The spill devastated the fragile
ecosystem oíPrince William Sound for perhaps
decades, drove up oil prices. threatened the
J MISDeEDS: Caught billing more than $4-
million in personal expenses to the real estate
empire she gold-dtig out ofher now-enfeebled
... The bat logo. The bat logo. The
batlogo ........................... 10
TKUNPSCORr : Batman
livelihood of local fishermen and severely husband. Convicted oftax evasion (conspiracy ourgrossed even G/iojtbnsters ¡1, a
damaged Alaskan tourism, the state's third- and mail fraud; acquitted on charges of movie that spawned a music video in which
largest industry ....................................... 10 extortion of kickbacks from cowering business Trumpappears .......................................... 7
MmGanNG FAcroas: Hard-drinkin' tanker vendors). Corn inued running self-reverent ial Sw«e ........................................ 159.99
captain Joseph Hazeiwood was heckled and ads. Anticipating the horror stories about her
called a jerk by fellow passengers on a mutine terrorization ofcmployces, Leonas
commercial airliner .................................... 1 lawyer admitted in opening remarksboasted.
Brisais Poim's: Exxon, which suffered no eventhat she was a "tough birch" (see .........................................
significant financial damage, promised to aid 'Dungeons & Dragon Ladies," page 86) 7 ..... INhERENT I4)AT)IM)MENiSS ...................... 9
cleanupbut only until September 15 .... 10 MITIGATING FACTORS: Was a Chesterfield OI988RNK
MisDcsos: No one really thought tobacco.
TRuMPScoRr: In East Coast waters, a fishing cigarette girl in the 1930s ......................... 1 spitting, crotch-adjusting ballplayers were
boat bumped the Trump Princess, which had oil Boc'ius Poita: Could receive up to i 27 years angels. Still, it was a surprise to learn that Pete
onboard.................................................... 7 inprison .................................................... 7 Rose is an obsessive gambler; Wade Boggs is a
Scoas ........................................ 201.00 TRCMPSCORE: Trump called her a grotesque philanderer; Steve Garvey fchered
IIuItl:WilL.RI :IrViI:I1r
cwochildrtn, each wich a different woman apartment .............................. 9 Bouus Poosts: In 1973. Wrights chief aide,
MrrIGATINO F.«ross: Her John Mack, served just 2 years ofa 15-year
(eithcr his wife); Dave Winileld was a .
sentence (or stabbing and beating a 20-year-old
bigamist; and Jose Canseco is a irafflc hzard .'.? ; ,
septuagenarian gams have
8
and gunslinger. On che amateur Iront: in onr graced their last Academy woman......................................................
ive had the security of knowing Fm a proven extract development rights from partially MisosEns: Spawned Lyme disease clinics,
9 submerged property in the Hudson River .. 6 support groups, mailings, warning signs and
pcif ormer .
-r.-a
w
1988RANK . 65
L\iaur« LOAThSOMFNF.%% . 9 I I FV
Misussos:Just a few years ago, the Russians This year, we all got circumspect. Well, cau- 1988 RANK .......................................... -
weit the bad Bad Guys and the Chinese were nous. Okay: chicken. Washington's Corcoran lNilFK ....................... 9
the good Bad Guys. But now they've switched Gallery of Art could have exhibicd Robert MISIEEÍ ............................................. 9
pise es. "Gorby" Gorbachev visits Manhattan,
Mapplethorpe's photographs, but they played MIGA-NG FAcross ............................. 3
uo, traffic and earns the kind of affectionate
it safe. Christopher Reevecould have narrated aTV
nickname usually reserved for beloved Bor.js Pojins ....................................... 6
hailed for instituting openness, and in Beijing, could have agreed to broadcast it, but they played
. Scoas ......................................... 120.25
udent demonstrators brandish Gorby posters it safe. George Bush could have sent Dan Quayle to
and build an odd.looking Statue of Liberty Hirohito's funeral, but he played it safe and went himself. Exacerbating this whole
ininiiture. Then the Chinese government kills Whoa! better flot atmosphere was a mosquitolike infestation offreelance censorsa kind
nsny oíthc students. lt almost seems like some of self-appointed Hays Office to the nation. Thus, our constitutional right to watch
kind ofinfernal cop-secret Comintern plot to Married. . . With Children was put into jeopardy by a well-connected Michigan mother
confuse us . 9 whose boycott-threatening letters made page 1 of the Times. Angry nurses pressured
MmcArING FAcross: No more panda ssories Chrysler and Sears out of advertising contracts with NBC's Nightingales, a series about
on the network news 1
.
... 62
prepared-satement eulogies from fellow lì remarkably similar to ordinary insect repellent;
v&udevillians(Bob Hope: "God has her now endless, depressing chat ............................. 9
and, thanks to television, we'll have her 10
INHrnr.-r b)Ams()MENIss ..... MITIGATING Facroas: Consolation for
brever); pornographer Larry Flynt's 80-page U Misorsos: He was the nation's urbanites stuck in town on weekends ......... 4
deathzine, Lacy: We Lov You; a posthumous highest elected Democrat, and next BONUS Poir'ors: Symptoms (headache,
Medal ofFreedom; a 23k-gold-bordered in line for the presidency (if Bush became nausea, bruising) deceptively similar to those
limited-edition collector plate; an Op-Ed piece disabled and Quayle was subsequently lynched ofanother summertime affliction, the common
in The New York Timet praising Lucy as by a panicked mob). Then the House Ethics hangover .................................................... 9
savior to the new Chinese immigrants n the Committee bund "reason to believe" the hateful TRUMPSCORE' : Lyme. Connecticut,
1950s; Diane Sawyer's recollection at a old sleazebag had violated standard practices a birthplace ofdisease, only 75 miles from Trump
Manhattan Mass chat she could remember where few times. Well, 69 cimes .......................... 8 summer home ............................................ 8
'every stick offurnicure was" in the Ricardos' Mmc,vrING FAcroits: He resigned ......... 3 Ss:osi ........................................ 114.00
Why is this Court so eager to rake up the emo- 1988 RANK - called "dignity battalions" ,,.,,..,,..,,..,.,.,.. i
BONt:s Poirs: His Motörhead-ían
tional, divisive issues of the sixties? Job dis- 1NHar LOATHSOMEN3S ,,,,.,.,,,,,,..,,,,,,,. 7 complexion (Panamanians call him Pineapple
crimination, abortion, flag-burning, phone M,sooa ,.,,.,,,..,.....,.,,.,,,,,.,,..,,.,.,,,,,,,,. 9 Face) ,..,,,,,,...,.,.,.,.,,,,...,,.,,,..,,.,.,,,,,,,,,,,,, 3
sex, playing rock music too loudit's as if MffIGAT, FAs ,,,,,,.,,,,,...,,,.,,,,,,,.,. 3 TRuMPScoRE: Trump said Jimmy Carter (a
VH-1 is Setting the nation's jurisprudential agenda. BONUS Poitn's ,,.,,,,,,,,....,,,,.,.,,,.,,,,.,,..,,,. 6 formal observer of Panama's elections) was
The abortion decision, for instance, disrupted every- "poorly qualified" to be president ............. 4
. TRt:MpScoar ,,,,,,,.,.,.,.,..,.,.,.,,,.,,,..,,,,.,.. 7
thing and settled nothing. Ifall the years oldebate have Scoat........................................ 100.50
' ' ' . Scoita 104.25
proved anything, it is that most Americans are suffi-
ciently ambivalent about this issue that they are happy to pass che moral buck to the people
with serious qualms. Indeed, almost 20 years ago the Supreme Court took this same, relatively A
easy way out and chose not to decide but to devise a way to permit individuals co decide for I I
J1988R5Nk .................... ... .... . ................ 43
themselves. So what does the Rehnquist CourtRonald Reagan's last laughdo when given iHEK1r« LOAThsOMENESS ..... rn... ........ ... 7
the opportunity to make a final decision? lt does not: it throws the issue out to 50 state MISDEEDS: Bidding for a Picasso self-pontait
legislatures, 50 nor-entirely-august bodies full of Babbitts and grifters and pandereta, whose went up $61,666 a second, to a flnal selling
ability usually extends as far as protecting consumers against used-car salesmen and price of $47.9 million; eighteenth-century
underwriting new gymnasiums at teachers colleges. American desk sold for $12.1 million; S 17.05-
II
I988RAN ........................................ 22 S(.ORF .......................................... 98.50 show and own cabaret act. Posed topless with
II INHLRENT LoAmsoMaNEss ...................... 8
V Minawa: The new morphological ideal,
apparendy, is an elephantine nine-month-old
babypuffy, dimpled, right-skinned and
slightly wet. American women spend millions
cach year on breast enlargement and collagen lip
injections, while men gobble steroids and strain
under Nautilus machines ........................... 9
MITIGATING Facroas: Men with unnaturally
II l%I LL''V
he wasn't much to begin withu dumb blond right-wing rich kid plunked
large breasts begin to (eel less conspicuous .2
BONUS PoINTS: Joe
Piscopos
, down
Îindeed, in ivater far over his head. But whatever the very junior senator from md iana once
possessed be lost the night 1.loyd Bentsen glared at him and said, "Senaior. you're no jack
handler made unsolicited attempts to L U Kennedy." lt was like poleaxing a young animal, an act that left him alive but forever
get his client on si's cover, but
alteredperpetually bug-eyed, skittish. jumpy and nervously smiling, never suite sure when
only on the condition that spi' not it would happen again. (Maybe this is why he's accidentally hic the Secret Service emergency
make light of the fact that "Joe's
button under his desk three times so far.) Oh, he admits chat "you have to watch every single
gotten pumped up' ............... 3 word you sitter. Every once in a while you let a word . . . out and you want to catch it . . . [burl
I
,
INPIERIN's tit'ìcd against kkptomaniacal
apparently happened near Woodstork, New L 1f Misoreos: Aller Dukakis lost, his approval fornu.'r MISS America Bess .
centennial of the brassiere .......................... 4 addicted wife admitted she was 'I'Ri-Mp&oas': For a while this year.
ThcMpScoar: On September 29, 1988, also an alcisholic. Noi badjor the Sukhrect's appearances in gossip columns
Trump predicted wv's demise "in a year" .. 6 .100 o/a Greek isnrnigrernt! . . .. 9 rivaled Trumps. But only br a while . . . 2
Scoas ............ _._.- ....................................... 99.35 MiTic;ATING FAcroRs: His defeat Su*t ........................................... 96.95
snuffling through his possessions, tJ U Misurwa: Like natural and lite, the word BONUS PoiNts: Members ofStarship and the
predictable retrospective exhibits, spa now performs semantic alchemy: low-cal J efferson Starship (defunct since I 984) reunited
art books on the retrospective exhibi meals are "spa cuisine"; a haircut, a "spa to re-form thejefferson Airplane (deftinct since
and "1-remember-the-time-I-met- rejuvenation day"; checking into a drug 1973) .,.,.......,,.,.,,,,,..,,,,,,.,,,,,,.,.,.,,,,,,,,,,,..... 3
Andy" books; extraordinary fuss OVCI rehab center is spending a "spa wellness week"; TRuMPScoaa: Hearns vs. Leonard Ill will
thediaries ....................................... Spa Vaoz:ions, a quarterly magazine on the spa probably be held at ilic' Trump Plaza .......... 3
MrnGATING FAcroils: Diaries caw life-style ..................................................... 7 Swat........................................... 86.00
discomfort to Bianca Jagger ............ MrIIuATIr«; Facrogs: Fun to imagine beaver-
BONUS Poitcis: "Famous for I 5 faced conglomeraceur Saul Steinberg at Canyon n n
minutes quote an ever more frequei Ranch spa (where, says wife Gayfryd, "we don't , I
I
used crutch for hack journalists ....... use the gym facilities") slogging up a mountain, I9S8RANK .........................................
TRCMPScoRS : I think Trump's sort streaming sweat. Well. sor: offun ............... 3 INHERE'4T LOAThSOMENESS .,,...,.,...,...,..,., 6
ofeheap, though, I get that feeling.The Andy BONUS Potrera: The "home spa" (a water- J j MISDEEDS: Why did we indulge Pons and
War/jo! Diartes. page 398 ............................ 7 heating bucket (or soaking feet) creates effect Fleischmann for so long? Despite the fact that
SCORS........................................... 96.40 exactly like sticking feet in the toilet and these "findings" came from the
flushing repeatedly 3 University of Utahan -
n A TRUMPSCORL ' : Plaza Hotel owner Trump institution less renowned for
,I I I planning a top executive spahealth club ... 9 nuclear research than for
.
......................................... -
;_
-- 's
4-
INHERFNT LOAThSOMINFSS ...................... 9
'-y
d MIsDEEDs: A Boston man peppers downtown
Boston wich AK-47 fire from a small plane. Old
Noei. An Illinois madwoman spends the
n A
<' L3W 7?
morning delivering arsenic-laced fruit to area
homes, then mows down haifa dozen 'I II
schoolkids. Same (.'/d.dufj So what's new? Kids 1989, nostalgia meant big (and, more ¡988 RANK ......................................... 49
with guns. Not i 5-year-old crack dealers. These important, easy) money, guaranteeing that by INHERENT LOATIISC)MFNESS ........................ i
are five-year-old kindergartners who wander the year 2000, no albums not featuring former ............................................. c
Into the cafeteria with a loaded .25-caliber oIn
Buffalo Springfield personnel will be recorded.
MISDEEDS
................................................... i
Sharpcon suggested that the Central Park rape ThuMI'ScoJtE: Trump on his success: "My car while she was still in it ..... 9
suspects were the victims of "racial hysteria," character as a businessman was defined from the MmGATING FAcroas: Brown was in thi
only to be outdone by Maddox. who said on day J was born ...... m a strong believer in throes oía PCP addiction at the time ......... 3
radio. What are we going to do, accept some genes" ........................................................ 5 Boxt;s PoiNts: Al Sharpton has volunteered
white person's word that shes . . . at Metropoli- Scoas.......................................... 72.50 to do Brown's time for him ........................ S
tan Hospital? . . . This whole thing could be an TItINPSCORE: Trump's elaborate hairdo ma
outright hoax ............................................. 4 have been inspired by Bmwns trademark
MrnGA-nNG FAcrolcs: Sharpton was arrested 11 1 pompadour ................................................ 4
for holding a protest rally in the Hdmsley I9S8RAxK ........................................ 12 Scoar.......................................... 70.77
Memphis McDonalds printed a calendar listing like a prayer. SCORE ........................................... 71.00
MisosEos: LaToya Jackson. Frances Lear. to let down its guard, see, which is revealed in Chapter TauawScoss '
. . . .
...,,.......,,..,.,.,,,,,,,..,,,,.,,.... 4
Oprah Winfrey and Michael Reagan confessed Two, when he has a frank and intimate discussion with
that theyd been abused or molested as children. ' . ' . Scoas ..,.,,,.,,,.,.,.,,,,....,,,.,.,,.,,.,...... 68,94
his glamorous wife. But the spirit of freedom really
Kriscy McNichol confessed shed had a nervous
catches on, He to sweat, and after Chinese students start demonstrating, he has to get
breakdown. Tai Babilonia confessed she drank,
on the horn and order his minions in Beijing to open fire. But throughout all this,
used drugs, quit skating and attempted suicide.
Washington is preoccupied with a scandal that topples the speaker ofthe House and distracts
Kitty Dukakis confessed shed become an
alcoholic. Kirstie Alley's publicist sent out a
everyone from the fact that the president-yeah, the impotent, WASPy vice president in
press release encouraging writers co cover Alley's the last bookis pretty worthless, although everybody starts to think better of him after
recovery from cocaine addiction ................. 8 he and his whole Cabinet die in a mysterious plane crash, Wait, chat's not until Chapter
MmGATING Fhcroits: Celebrity confessions Eight, after the defecting Soviet nuclear submarine runs aground on the Riviera and
may help other victims come forward. Other irradiaces the Cannes (jIm festival, . ,
celebrity victims, at least ...... 2
BONUS Poircrs: Drew
Barrymore confessed to P'op/e that r MITIGAUNG Fsc'roits: A Texas company that
fr
she had her first drink at 9, started L uses primates for AIDS research has established
;, , smoking marijuana at IO, took up i98SRANK ...,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.,,,,....- a 12-bungalow retirement home for aging
4,
cocaine at i 2, went into rehab at INHERENT LOAThSOMENESS 8 chimps..,,.,,,,,.,,.,,,,.,..,,,,,.,.,,.,,,..,....,.,,,,,,,,, 4
13 and now, at age 14, is finally (J MISDEEDS: What? Eating red meat can ¡ou vr BONUS Poip«s: A letter-writing campaign by
. ready toges on with her life..6 cholesterol ? Fatty mearspro- viewers of Deiigning Women resulted in an
TRUMPSCOaE: Alter accusing Larry King on feci us against cancer? episode in which one character gives up her fur
live TV of having bad breath, Trump confessed The Pill actually helps coats....,,,.,..,...,...,,...,...,..,..,,,.,,,,.,,,,,.,,,,,,,,, 7
that he did it to give an example of intimidation p,?ueYtI ovarian cancer? 'lite TRUMPSCC»IE : ¡yana wears furs ,,,,,,,,,,,,, 6
techniques he uses in deal-making ............. 3 sweetener cyclamate docjn'i SCORE,,,,,,,,,.,,,,..,,,,,,.,,,,,,,,,,,.,,,,.,, 68.50
I_JI
MnIGAIINO FAc'ro,is: Jane Brody can pretty I9SflRANK ..,..,,,,.,.,,,,.,,,,.,.,................ -
......................................... - much be ignored ....................................... 3 LOAThSOMENESS .....,.,...,...,..,,,, 4
INHERSNT LOATHSOMENISS .................... 10 BoNus Poirers: Checa Whiz, they now say. UINHERENT
Misonos: A banner year of the wrong sort:
j988RNK
M,siwwa: In 1970. had his picture taken helps fight cancer ...................................... 8 Gigi Mahon's The Lait Dai o/The New Yorker,
wearing a Nazi uniform, holding a sign that TRuMpScoss': Someday in the distant future, an account of the enfeeblement and sale of the
said twtu.IAM) KUNS1LER Is A COMMUNIST 35W we may discover that Trump was not magazine. John Hersey caught being something
in 1975 said, "There's many times I felt like completely bad .......................................... 4 less than generous in crediting sources in his
picking up a gun and going shooting a nigger'; SC0I........................................... 68.71 piece on James Agee. Janet Malcolm's two-part
in 1980 wrote that the Holocaust was a Jewish piece condemning journalist Joe McGinniss for
hoax; in 1985 said U.S. should have "a program
r-r having betrayed murdererJeffrey MacDonald
co send [blacksi back to Africa"; in 1989 was r n (and the subsequent revelation that Malcolm
elected to Louisiana legislature on the ' ct , r%i failed to mention her own earlier, analogous
L IJ
Republican ticket and is seriously regarded as a I98SKNK ......................................... betrayal ofpsychoanalyst Jeffrey Masson) set off
possible GOP candidate for U.S. Senate two INHERENTLOAThSOMrNESS .,,,,,....,,,.,,,,,,,, 5 tiresome round ofthin-skinned rebuttals to
vears(romnow ...,,....,.,,,,,,,,.,,,,,,,,.,,,,,,...,,,, 5 d L M,soascxc: Fanatics breathed new life into Malcolm's well-argued thesis that journalism is
MrTTGATING FAcroas: Won only 5 I percent nearly irrelevant l970s-ish movement; valuable "morally indefensible" 9
ofthevoce................................................. 3 research on drug addiction halted when animal- MrnGATING FACTORS: That issue that hadfi:v
Bot«is Poiwrs: Duke said, "The only thing I rights groups pressured Cornell University good cartoons ............................................ 2
regret about my membership in the Klan is that pharmacologists into forfeiting a large grant; Borus Poirs: Publication of Bob Gottlieb's
it prevents some people from listening to me Animal Liberation Front called the fur trade historofthe plastic handbag ..,..,,.,.,,..,.,.,. 2
now" ......................................................... 1 "Nazism" and caused millions oldollars' TRUNPSCORZ ': The Art ofihe Deal was
TRuNpScx)aE': Both use antiblack damage by burning and breaking into tabs; published by Random House, which, like The
demagoguery for political advancement ...... 3 pop relic Chrissic Hynde encouraged the New Yorker, is owned by Si Newhouse 2
Scoiti .......................................... 69.32 bombing ofa McDonald's in England ........ 8 Sxwr,,,,,,,,,...,.,,,,,,,,,.,.,..,,,,.,,.,,.,. 68.28
going co put a 20 percent tax on everything you M,rIO.TINc FACIoics: The Reagans said they d :J Misnasus: After lurking on the fringes of
sell in this country until you open up? .... 2 liked che Snow White number ................... 2 scandals throughout his career. D'Amato
Scoic.......................................... 67.50 B()NI. Potsrs: Show bia commission contributed to HUD stealathon by allegedly
steering subsidized housing away from poor
people and toward hometown cronies and
relatives. Re-earned nickname Senator
Shakedown for his bully-boy fundraising ... 7
MnIuATING Fcroas: Thick glasses earned
him the childhood nickname Tojowhich.
h150tE ............................................. 7 L4
nonfiction books chockablock with, yes, more ads); I I
19SSRANK .........................................
and a handful ofother projects and schemes that, like hITb6, FsuIOk.% ............................. 3
I '4IIIKE.'4T LOAThsoMENESs ...................... 9
....................................... 2
Special Reports. everyone has heard about but few have
BoNus Poirci
O IJ MISL)FFns: Proliferation ofcars fitted with
ever really seen. Then again, how about that bow tie? TRcscPScoa ....................................... 4 arena-ready sound systems has added an element
What a novel idea! scusa ........................................... 67.33 of Russian roulette to the ordinary traffic jam: if
the red lights break badly for you, prepare to
investigated atrociousness oftelecast .......... 8 welcome tinnitus. We ¡aid. WELCOME
Tat oeScoiti: Superritzy production could unrntus.' What? ......................................... S
t E!
i988R.rK ............................. - inspire Trump to hire Allan Carr ............... 1 MrtIuATua; Fscroas: Sound waves might
ISIIERL'4T 1J)AT)O.OSIENFSc ..... 8 SCORE.......................................... 66.75 blow you out ofche way like a dry leaf before
d O Mistwcos: Wrote thc nocoriou,. the car could hit you .................................. 2
.Iodd;s' show memo griping about David BoNus Poirers: Now available: the Sonic
Horowitz Ca walking clkhc). Gene Shalic (his -I-. .&i L I%l J acket.' which has two shoulder speakers, two
interviews arent very good), Art Ukne Chis I988RANK ......................................... chest speakers, amplifier and battery pack .. 3
heahh week. womens month. childrens yt-ar INHERSNr LO.5THSOMEN'.S ...................... 4 TRuMPScoicr: The Trump Golden Edition
shit is boring and repecitive) and Willard Scott d ti Misocrus: An S&L crisis primer: Greedy limo has top Blaupunkt speakers ............... 3
(This guy is killing us and no ones even crying speculators* take charge of thrift institutions Scout........................................... 65.71
7OSPYOCTOBER
1989
WI-I '_ E: 1 u cF ri-
ll !%II
U.S. Neu & World ReportShelby Coffey
(tenure: approximately 300 days)? How many I%-T-,
:988 RANK . 8 days are left for Roger Rosenblatt? USA Today 1988RNK ......................................... -
J\HERENT LOAThSOMENESS . 3 on TVfour format changes, two executive INHLRENTLOAThM)MENtSS ...................... 7
Ml)I)s: Worsening urban smog is enough producers and its entire New York bureau. The O O M,s»rats: Mort Downey Jr. released an
Io make a person want co move as far away as wholesale metamorphosis of Vg:is masthead album of country-and-western-flavored
possible. Like Alaska. No. Or rather. the under Anna Wintour ................................. 5 ant idrug, antipollution and antilawyer songs;
Midwest. But chats where MITIGATING FAcroas: Soon all media will be bosomy dirty-book writer Shirley Lord recorded
all chose acid rain and owned by one multinational megaconglomerate a number ofsongs for private release; former
. .
cancer-causing coal- anyway:tumover will just be reassignment. 2 Knigh: Rider costar David Hassclhoffhas two
.
burning power plants are.
T Boyts Poircrs: Spin magazine .............. 6 singles on che West German charts; Ron
Maybe a secluded island. the kind of place TRt:MPScoRi : Within 30 days of lvanas Periman, who played Vincent (the putatively
where newly extinct dusky seaside sparrows arrival at The Plaza, a horde of managers were dreamboacish monster in Bcaity andtht' Basi:).
might once have lived. Unless it falls victim co letgo ......................................................... 7 released an album ofromantic verse (with
one of che 5,000 oil spills that happen each Scoss........................................... 64.50 musical accompaniment). Michael Damian (of
year in U.S. waters ..................................... 9
Mntc.ATIN. FACJ-t*S: Cancer-causing radon
gas is found naturally in soil ...................... 4
BONUS Poi«s: its enough to make a parson
go live in a South American rain forest or
NWF rTh
something................................................. 6
TRUMP&OKÏ : Trump City, if
built, will destroy a grassy riverfront lot .... 6
S«*a .......................................... 65.50
Good news! The number of homes where TV iss RANK .......................................... -
is watched increased this year (but the percent- 1IIERENT LOATHSOMENESS ....................... i
age olpeople watching network TV sank to a MISI)EU)S
I_ ¿W 'V O I new low). The networks still pull out all the MITlGANG FAoas
............................................. 4
............................. 3
I9SSRANK .........................................
stops for huge spectacular productionsABC's War BoNUS Poiccrs ....................................... 6
INFIERSNT LOAThSOMENESS ...................... 6
and Remembrance, for instance (which lost approxi-
L MisDesos: Manhattan lawyer Peter Schmidt . . . .
mately $40 million), and the Winter Olympics (which
TRUMPSCORS- ........................................ 7
.
"ProudMary") ........................................... 2
is a day they're not BONUS Poi'n's: Rob Lowe's video i, It Hot in
--
n :Jel:on Here (Or J.c I:Jtisi Me)? was the hit of the
II BoNus PoiNTs: When she visits Moscow on underground circuit ................................... 4
.98SRANK ......................................... her Russian tour, La Toya Jackson piana to TRUMPScoaE: Trump and Don Johnson
lHER!NT LOAThSOMENESS ...................... 4 meet with Raisa Gorbachev ..................... 10
"
sang 'The Way You Do the Things You
MisDeeDs: The Ne:' York Post, for TRUMPSc0as: Trump claimed possible with three former Temptations at Trump
examplerernember editorjane Amsterdam Soviet business ventures ............................. 4 Castle........................................................ 4
(tenure: 35 1 days)? Publisher Peter Price? Or SCOlIE .......................................... 63.50 ScORE.......................................... 6344
bois Meade Esposito got out ofbribcry charges scone.faced revival ofurban-cowboy chic. pants Trump bought full-page ads advocating the
when the judge heard that Esposito was legally for women, mustard-colored clothing, sideburns death penalty ........................................... iO
blind. suffered memory losses and had recently and chegloomy, circa-1975 atmosphere of drug- Seoai.......................................... 61.50
been staring oíl into space .......................... 8 and racism-ravaged New York City. Ralph
MITIOAT1N; FactoRs: Except for that Nader, Jerry Brown, Donny Osmond and n ii
problem with his teeth, Oliver North stayed Jimmy Carter are back in the limelight ..... 4 II IJ
healthy all year long .................................. 2 MIi1;ATIsG FAcroas: Detente (now called Il988RsNK .........................................
BONUS PotNis: John Holmes ................ 9 INIIEIIF.NT LOATHSOMENESS ...................... 7
le'etoika) is back .................................... 5
TRCMPSCOJII: Ivana hid out in Santa Monica BoNus Poirers: Robbie Knievel ............ 4 I L Misossos: American and Canadian
Hospital and returned looking healthier than TRuMP&:oar: Trumps look is no longer developers are developing 200 million square
before, in lace and chest regions ................ 4 dated......................................................... 7 feet of new mall space every yearan area the
LA.S:yle ................................................... 9
operators accused ofchild molestation is entering its 28th month; Leona Helmsley
TSUNPScORE ivana and Madonna" got hers on a daily basis for months; and Pete Rose was regularly photographed staring grimly
rhyme ........................................................2 from the Reds' dugout steps, thinking about what the papers had written about him the day
&0ItE .......................................... 59.74 before. Remember EASTERN TALKS CONTINUE? The headline alone can conjure up memories of
March, and also of April, May and June. With Frank Lorenzo, Donald Trump and Peter
Ueberroth heading the cast, the saga ran longer than Upstairs, Downstairs. And what about the
future ofRick Pitino? Last May, newspaper readers felt as ilthey were at the Picinos' dinner
I988R.NK .........................................
table, passing the and giving the family their opinion on whether the Knicks' coach should
INHEJOENT LOAThSOMENESS ...................... 7
stay put or take that college coaching job. PITINO TO
Msso.rna: ABC used a "simulation machine" I988RNK.......................................... -
Io make fake surveillance-camera footage of VISIT KENTUCKY ABOUT joB; KNiCKS FREE PITINO TO TAKE
INHERENT LOATHSOMENESS ......................
Felix Bloch committing treason. NBCs KENTUCKY jon; WHAT DOES PITINO REALLY WANT? RICK
Misnuoa ............................................. 3
pointless show Yaterday. Today & Tomorrow used READY TO BOLT; IF PITINO LEAVES KNICKS . . . ; PITINO CAN'T
speaal effects co put Chuck Scarborough into a RESIST LURE OF COLLEGE; MAKING A MOVE?; PITINO'S MITJGATINGFACTORS ............................. 3
1910 murder case (NBC News president FAREWELL?; and, finally, HE'S OUTtA HEREthe same BONu5POINTS ...................................... S
Michael Gartner calls the news show "a vehicle day, incidentally, che Times announced, EASTERN DEAL TRUMPSCORE- ........................................ S
for story-telling") ......... 6 WITH USAIR IS OPPOSED. Scoaa ........................................... 58.21
MITIOATING FAcro,ts: May
vindicate conspiracy
theorists who believe the periodically surfacing in those little boxes
moon landing rook place in a Ib1SJ uia. reserved for comical errors rendered newsworthy
TV studio in Arizona ................................. 2 I
........................................ 94 by the status of the people who commit them.
Potrera: CBSs Saturday Night With
BoNLS INHERENT LOAThSOMENESS ...................... 5 Like when he transplanted an elm from the
Connie Cbtrng will use actors (including James III9S8RANK
Misosros: Glut of Disney-related White House to North Dakota (and brought
Earl Jones) to re-creare events such as the advertising in Newsu«k (33 fidl-page ads$3- North Dakota's first gypsy moths along with it).
bombing ofPan Am Flight 103 ................. 8 million worthin six months) directly Or his advice to students in rural Pennsylvania:
ThUMPScORC: Trump played a character preceded Nezs'suw cover story on Disney; "Now, tike, I'm president. It would be pretty
based on himself in a TV miniserics ........... I opening of Disney-MGM Studios Theme Park, hard for some drug guy to come into the White
S)ItE .......................................... 58.96 well documented by thousands ofpress people House and start offering it up, you know? . . . I
who'd received free tickets and hotel accommo- bet ifthey did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get
dations; re-released Peter Pan was butchered to lost. We don't want any ofthat' " .............. 4
F-I_I.-r
(it wide-screen format; acquired company of MITIGATING FAcroits: Maybe Quayle itn't the
¡988 ......................................... - competicorjim Henson ............................. 5 most inept official in D.0 .......................... 2
IMIERENT L.OKIHSOMFNESS ...................... S MrnGATING F.c'roics: In a display of legally BONUS Potrera: His Russian-sounding
O Misossos: 60 Minutes's expos6 on Alar prudent generosity, Disney World huzzah at an aerospace plant: "I want to give the
(actually an exclusive granted by an environ- visitors knocked down by overeffi- high-five symbol to high tech" .................. 2
mentalist group) engendered so much fretting cient street-cleaners are offered (ree TauMpScoicr: Trump on Bush: "I like
that che EPA announced its plan to ban the tickets and airfare home ........... 3 George Bush, but this 'kinder, gentler' crap is
carcinogenic "freshness enhancer"-bur not for
another 18 months. since, well, it's no: really
BoNes PoINTs: Eisner says his
"secret goal in lif&' is to replace
b. killingus"
................................................. 4
Scoaa.......................................... 5763
still Hitchcockian intrigue: his TRuMP&oaE' : Wrote a strident, unenlight- INHERENT LOAThSOMENESs ,.,,,,,,,,,,.,,,,..,., 4
apartment was broken into and cning column on Central Park rapejust like O O Misostus: Didja hear the ene abon: the tun
ransacked. No on-air fracases with that olpaying Ti,ne.c editorialist Trump ..... 6 cable ne:u.nrkj (HBO and MTV) that are pouring
presidencial candidates. bui there was SCORE.......................................... 55.99 millions into 24-/mar-a-day comedy channclj?
still questionable judgment: he took the Evening Howzabosot the rico rnagazine.c that both devoted an
Neu's to Cuba and called his questioning of entire, not t'ey impressive, issue to comedy? All right,
Castro in a receiving line an "exclusive all right, Iprornije: didja hear the one about this gt
n (i
interview." No summary purges of underlings, I98SRANK ..,,,,,.,....,...,,...,..,,,..,.......... u./.,o avis in Animal House? He took over National
but many saw Rather's hand in the departure of INHERSNT LOAThSOMENESS ...................... 8 Lampoon andpromised to make itfuomy again witi
Diane Sawyer ............................................. 7 MISDEEDS: Advised Hispanic officers to warn hilarious pieces like "Aie Yea a Horno?" Can you
O ti
MII1GATJNG FAcroRs: Several-second relatives to be careful where they buy their believe this gay? And what about all the third-tier
lapse during a remote brcedcast from drugs," then suggested that Hispanics were cdebriiics u'ho are suddenly doing stand-up rout:nei?
Washington nothing like last year's six- unfit to hold policy-making positions in che You know: Timothy Liar,y, Sydney 81141e Barrow,,
minute antrum ......................................... 2 department; told a group of female officers that Morton DowneyJr. , 1/sote I)(J. Pretty fanny, huh?
BoNus POINTS: Signed off as "Danny ifmothers started arranging their work hours Huh? Well , , . guess yo' hadto be there ......... 6
ORather" on St. Patrick's Day .................. 3 around infant feeding times, "unisex hiring of MITIOATING FAc'roas: The Smothers Brothers
TR(MpSeoxE": Trump on Rather: "He's a police officers will have to end"; revealed he are back; Laugh-In is not 2
pro" ..................................................... 3 always carries a semiautomatic pistol .......... 6 BoNes Poii'crs: Has anyone seen thu Wheel nl
Scos.......................................... 56.65 MiTic,5iiNc. F,croas: Said the drug- Fortune guy doing his own comedy show? Have yve
purchasing advice for Hispanics was "an attempt seen ti,:, thtng. No? 4
articulately called convicts 'wolvesno, worse lawsuit is resolved) been published ............. i INHERENT Loa'nIsoNENF.ss ,.,,.,,,,,,,,,.,...... 7
than animals, some kind olhidcous mutants, BONeS PoiNTs: The pudgy, wan guy didn't O Steve Martin: the movie stan
MIsDEEDS:
the protests in China as do much ofanything this year .....................6 stand-up comedian who no longer does stand-
«arousing love, all over the world" and TRuspScoaa'-: In The Art o/the Deal, Trump upjust like Woody. Spike Lee: the Brooklyn.
;described
74 spy OCTOBER 1989
based fuImmakr who wrics, directs and acts as
thc hnnv guy rn his own scrious, visually l%I
dIcatoNl)il Íarce srartint a short,Jcwish guy to being nominated fr the cxpericncc; in Israel. a computer g
lust Ike Ba,,a',t,ç . 6 Tony tha eventually vcnt. (he Intifada vas selling vcll; aiì
MITKA1INÇ. FscloR: TOny Roberts did noi practically by default, coJrviìie Rshhinc Trump: The Game
appear in an nonWoods' movie this year . 2 Broridu'ay . 8 MITISiATING FA-IuRc: I)wa "
BuNt's Poiwrs: Niu York Stories: a disjointed MIIioArINcI FAC7ORS Oh.' Ca/a::a.' fìtially barroom pastime was outla 4 all caps
closed alter 20 years . 4 BoNus PoIN"rs: Compti iarist page
movie featuring segments by different
directors. starring Wxxlyjust BoNis PoINTs: While Broadway took in iiid Cnncsnrracion (:.imp
like Casino Rsyalc . 4 $8.7 million more than last year, total tin&kriround lad n W sheavier nile ior
'' avoid . 2
TKtMPSco,r: Trump s /' attendance droj)ped 9 lxi ati' (151 :
A
I II
I I I , i
A
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II u iiIIII
II
U ;i ¡988 RANk .......................................... II t i.
II I
&
I. J%ITWl%l l%a
4
.
fr J t
INItI.RtN1 LOATHSOML'1ESÇ ...................... Misi)IEOS: Eurtl,er ttIi(lerscored point thai
O Mlso+EDs: This years fashion plague l9ôOs radicals can make headlines these days
mannerist shorts: denim l-luckleberry.Finn- only throsigh persnal disaster; irihsnes caused lr TII I.JTW
mcetclklls-Angcls shorts (as worn most more rcsurlacings than usual for publicity- .1
notably by Madonna and Sandra Bernhard); hungry associates sush as lecture-circuit oddit 1988 RANK ..................................... 103
'
ubiquitous skii- sucking bicycle shorts ; even Timothy I..eary, networking-party organi lNiERareI L.t,.si IIM)MFNF.SS ...................... 2
" !
businesswomen in suits . . . with shorts .... 8 Jerry Robin ansi knev.jcrk thug.ap& P Misiii:i: Presents passengers on uptown
MITI(;arisG F.scioRs: Popularity this year
ensuri their obsolescence next .................. 3
B()NtJn Poicrs: Officially. the denim shorts
\Xilliam Kunsticr; clic realizatior
mantle o1yitiie activism is being
cht nineties by Amy Carter I( j No. 6 trains from transferring to the F, D. B
and Q trainsand vice versa; is especially
irksome because riders of the 1 traiii have to
arr called Dirty Dancing Jeans ................... 9 MlrIocTiNG FActoRs: Hoffm .......... transfer at 5 rd Street to get tu ihr tJpper East
1RUMPSCORS : The Tour de Trump ttt.rc4scs embarked ofl staiid.up come Side; no transfers are available .................... 1
the possibility oIl.ycra shorts with the Trump BoNus PoiNts: The pr ,s. 2 Mirio.sii,«. F.«:rogs: Less bothersome sine
loso printed oil them ................................. 2 biurahies, including IAeme of si's moved Iloin Lifayerte Street co Union
Scusi ........................................... 54.95 employed National I
( ........ 4 Ssuare \Vest .............................................. 3
......
Slornan
a-i- TRLMPSC0
,,4ulations
(marches before
BoNis PoINTs: Exravaganclv overhyped
happy-lace thing, while simultaneously fuclin r tnt Ak ......................................... - 988 RAtK ..................................... 756
paranoid delusions of tiresome knee-jerk . nie LOATHSOMENESS ...................... I siiFRrJr LOATIIS0MENISS ...................... i
n.'
.
plans for
.
f'
4I .
I BONUS Poisne All those clip-and-save
'Hosv to Beat Gorbylock newspaper items are
plucked in order tu 1,rsitk Plaza hoel
clìambcrmads with feather dusters ............ 1
S( 1 ,
.
probably obsolete by now .......................... 2 S.cji ............................................ 3.50
f
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Research: iIait Klein. Chris Spuches. Sea,, O'Sullivan, t\isky U:'einstock, Scott Yatcs
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TEXT GLOSSES. CINDY CRAWFORD, FORD MADOX
1
W yorK N
york
tania janwi
No (u, th.
uk odoIisq. ,,w'
Toma Jomabp.
MODEL HANGOUT. CONFUSING? PAUL RUONICK R.odom go 54 cow, i,, o
A
'.," S4) AIk
Walk., oodid, n rho and back ol Sia".
I986 oppo,,t Now York. 1986
mont colonda,
,,
\' '.,
A Lookø,LÌSNII.,tûno,
ac/ky. nub/I. T,cmon
Copar. b.c&on.d ban,
rk. back of 0th.,
Voic., Orb., Room,,
1948
_Q :' "
.,
'
I
4,.
hs Ed Novton4sh writ.
Li
Writing and modeling: is there a difference? The New York Post recently pro-
claimed a burgeoning literary apocalypse - the tise of "young, good-looking
. and sexy authors." Many video-age dreamboats are named
in the report, from Esquire cover stud Jay Mclnerney to newcomer Debbie
Cymbalista, whose "rock star looks" adorn both the front
and the back covers ofher first novel, Danger (Debbie? Danger?), published by
E. P. Dutton.Jonathan Ames, a 25-year-old model turned
writer, has a dust jacket photograph by Bruce Weber, auteur of many Calvin
Klein ad campaigns; Ames's glower recalls the brocding
machismo of ex-model Brad Gooch's pinup for hii downtown novel, Scary
Kisses. Mary Gaitskill, the author of Bad Behavior, was described in a recent
Satan himself"?).
Or Just I.00k Like One
The nonfiction novel, minimalism, metafiction and now this: Attractive
It used to be that a book jacket photo
served the relatively humble purpose of
Authors. Looker Lit. A command of the language is no longer enough
ollowng o reader to attach an author's today's novelists must practice their pouts. This can only be regarded as an en-
words to a face. As such, those photos
tended to resemble either grainy snap-
tirely healthy development; who wants to read something scribbled by the
shots of water-tower snipers or dead- stubby little pig fingers ofa total troll? Even already acclaimed authors might
earnest high school yearbook pho-
consider a frank appraisal oftheir visuals and arrange for a redemptive beau-
togrophs. Well, those days are history.
In 1948 Truman Capote laid waste ty make-over - isn't that forehead growing a tad bold, Richard Ford? Wet your
such humdrum images of authors with
lips. Cynthia Ozick, and for Cripes' sake, Mr. Mailer, tough guys don't waddle.
the historic jacket of his first novel,
Other Voices, Other Rooms, the back of A writer's work may be evocative, even soul-stirring, but let's ask a larger ques-
which featured a photograph of the full-
tion, the real American Academy ofArts and Letters entrance-exam biggie: is
lipped, 23-year-old scamp lounging on
o settee, "more or less beckoning some- the author in question truly date bait? Is he or she what erotic connoisseur
body to climb on top of me," he later
and editor of Curn magazine Boyd McDonald refers to as "real eatin stuff"?
wrote. As a result, Capote's extraliterary
life flared at least os quickly os did his A novel is certainly an accomplishment, but today's bronzer-literate reader-
literary reputation. ship demands more, After all, a few hundred typewritten pages tell you hardly
Now that many books seem to be less
about writing than about promoting a anything about an author's true selfwhat do his eyes say? Tamajanowitz can
salable persono, the book jacket photo turn a shapely sentence, but let's talk bottom line: Tama's got best-selling hair,
has become o highly complex enter-
prise, to be handled only by a trained hair the reader can go back to again and again. hair that you can't put down,
professional book jacket photographer. Book-of-the-Month-Club Main Selection hair. And while we're at it, how
The simple head-shot has been replaced
with an attitude-revealing posea about adding a swimsuit competition to the National Book Awards? And why
smoldering pout, bare shoulders, a is PEN tossing fundraisers only to end the suppression and imprisonment
provocative flourish of the handde-
signed to capture that look that's worth of rebel Iron Curtain novelists and poets? What about the dissident Czech
around 100,000 words. ,,zodds, the men and women whose radical views on winter white and the New
- Elisso Schappe!!
Cropped Pant make it risky, often impossible, for them to set foot on a Prague
runway? Speaking out for Salman Rushdie is all well and good, but please
Is Me t51(1.ltOS Draining Pool Water Out of
His or Her Ear7 get a look at the guy. Salman, you've got some time on your hands: hit the
rowing machine, price some hair plugs and rethink that mono-brow.
The relationship between writing and modeling has always been somewhat
chummy, a natural kinship. Some authors, à la Mailer (with Norris Church)
and Mclnerncy (with Maria Hanson), choose to escort or even marry models.
Celebrated writers date models for the same reason dogs lick their nether
Mary GoUskitI, Dr. Toni Grant, author
author of Bad Behavior, of Being o Wornon, regions: because they can. Models, it is believed, go to bed with authors for
Simon & Schuster Random House
the same reason Marilyn Monroe married Arthur Miller: as a rest after sex
with a sports figure. But in the past few years, in Manhattan, at least, the
spheres ofwriting and modeling have converged to an unprecedented degree.
Lauder mascot, who is in turn aquiver at having bagged what she imagines
is an intellectual, a tweedy scholar mesmerized by her earnest twaddle about
the rain forest. Imagine the offspring of such a union; ideally, the resulting
child would be gorgeous and gifted, Carol Alt with a flair for onomatopoeia.
But what ifthe gene fusion backfired, and a nightmare was created? A homely,
David Shield,, Gus, Blunt,
unpopular kid with an inexplicable craving for Ryvita crackers and a futile author of Dead author of Cold Eye,
Languages, Knopf Arbor House
urge to endorse waterproof mascara?
Many writers, from Alexander Woollcott to Hemingway tojanowitz, have
lent their faces to advertisements. Literary almanacs conveniently omit men-
(ion ofthat early effort, Amaretto di Melville. And now that it's inexplicably
chic to seem smart, both The Gap and Barneys use writers in their print 4k
critic Mimi Kramer has been pasted all over bus Jay Mclnorney, author of Danny Sugermon,
campaigns; New Yorker Story al My Life, author of Wonderland
Atlantic Monthly Press Avenue, Morrow
shelters in a comely Gap tee, along with editor-gossipeuse Susan Mulcahy.
Who knows what commercial marriages lie ahead: Couldn't Susan Sontag
color that silver forelock with Nice'n Easy (perhaps renamed, for the occa-
sion, Nicen Obscure)? Might notJoan Didion surprisejohn Gregory Dunne
one morning by replacing the breakfast vodka with Folgers Crystals?
Some writers just outright model: Jill Eisenstadt, the Bennington-fresh i. JonBurnharn
Schwartz, author of
Elizabeth Benedict,
author of The Beginners
author of From Rockaway, posed for a fashion pictorial in ¡-Iarper Bazaar. IBicycle 0ays, Summit Book al Dreams, Knopf
Eisenstadt told the magazine, "You can become disillusioned without becorn-
ins cynical," while a photo caption on the same page mentioned thatJill "loves
the lightweight sheepskin blouse in russet trimmed with cranberry, about
$2,050." And spy recently hosted a benefit for the ACLU, sponsored by
the Italian Fashion Commission, at which authors played model; I myself
control model shot
manfully bolstered the Bill of Rights in a mustard-and-burgundy combo
from Byblos, while Tony Hendra let freedom ring via a resounding Benet- Were any of the following glamour devices used?
(1) a wind machine (2) a sandhaster (3) Vaseline
ton pullover. or gauze over the ens
( )( 1( )FI- R SPY
Is (he hdAr So Enervated by the Sheer
Intensity of Creation That His or Her Head Needs
Modeling and writing, fall collections and short-story collections, Ernesc
Propping Up? vs. Margaux - it's become a dizzy blur, a truly fin de siècle shivaree of forms.
Some pensles are in order:
4k IY' pear in Estée Lauder ads. Superwriter Stephen King is paid perhaps
R.lvo maIn, author Ann. Tyler, author al s io million for his next three horror novels. Q: Who is better off?
of Blessings. Breathing Lessons,
D.Iacorte Knopf A: Stephen King, because he makes that kind of money and he can
buy food.
0
14kri,tin McCIoy,
author of Velocity,
L
Margaret Truman, author
of Murder in the CIA,
Nobody worries if Anne Tyler can act.
b1,Ii&
ç
0
A drawback: models rarely get discovered after they're dead.
Garrison Krillor, Carol Shields, author
author of Liaing of Swonn, Viking
Home, Penguin
A plus: models rarely suffer from model's block, the chronic inability to mode
k o
control model shot A possible ad campaign: "The most unforgettable writers in the world
use Liquid Paper."
Is f/gq' ,cí«I/u Attompting to Conceal a
Blemish or Weak Chin?
o
Nobody ever says that all the truly great models are alcoholics.
I o
Andy Warhol, author Truman Capot., author Nobody ever calls Christie Brinkley "derivative." But then, nobody
of Porfroiti al th. of Music For Chameleons,
TOs, Random Houie Random House ever calls Christie Brinkley "brilliant,"
o
No one ever approaches a woman in a bar and says, "I bet you're a writer."
-;:;
egend Most?
I
he comes bucking ov,-, ih, stubble in a jeep
F: .
1
p
* !!'. IIL_!
pp
k
Klf: 'f,.rl.F lJ.
p, Bennett Cerf for the Famous
Amy Vanderbilt for Lucky Hemingway for Pon Am, 1956 . .. ..-- Writers School, 1969
Shike, 1954 ' . They did the flying and I was the It turned out "if you hove known this
"I like to know my escort is tobeagoodportnership" William Styron for United burning need to write, you
thoughtful enough to corry States Lines, 1961 too may hove the gift that
my brand, which, not so in- successfuiouthors possess."
cidentolly, is Lucky Strike."
- -
'--,- To PF RFF(TWN
j1á4
Ijir :-?'\
i:::
'k ')'
Lillian Hellmon for Black- John Cheever for Rolex, Tamo Janowiti, "best- z
Mickey Spillone, Lite Beer giorno Mink, 1976 1980 selling author and Queen
All-Star, 1973 "Detail illuminates John of New York's Downtown George Plimpton, "Director
Cheever's writing. Just os Scene," for Rug Tower, 1988 of Cultural Affairs," for
detail inspires every Rolex Island Promenade "luxury
craftsman."
fl
.
beoch#ront res'idences,'1989
0
Writers never appear in shampoo ads, begging, "Don't hate me
because Im a gifted regional miniaturist."
0
Male writers' résumés rarely list their inseam measurements.
Which is why they're writers.
s
Nobody ever criticizes writers if they work in their underwear.
As modeling overtakes writing as the preeminent art form ofour centur one
can only muse: What next? What mode of expression could conceivably
usurp twirling and preening? What can stock the libraries long after Paulina's
Collected Sco u/s o r Sports Illustrated : The A anotated Swimsiit Issues h ave falle n
from favor?
One guess: the new métier will be authors' appearances in the films based
on their novels, Tamajanowitz nailed a substantial speaking role in the odd
Merchant-Ivory adaptation ofSlaves ofNew York;John Irving was a referee in
the Garp movie;James Dickey played a sheriffin Deliverance; and Peter Bench-
ley was a TV newsman inJaws. Mailer and Stephen King have both directed;
Nora Ephron plans to shortly. In the near future, screen ingenues will be dis-
covered not sucking a malted at Schwab's drugstore but hunched over their PCs
in tight sweaters, hoping for that big break. No more casting couches - stars
will be made at the MacDowel! Colony, or parading their garns at the Bread
Loaf Conference. Whatever happens, writing as an end in itself has thank-
fully vanished. Its prose versus pose, and may the cutest novelist win. And
the Nobel Prize for literature goes toMiss North Dakota, Louise Erdric/s! )
84 SPY OCTOBER 1989
99_j4fl 4uz1a &eì 9r6nan ¿*4aÇe
(Anywhere but Here) (Reckless Disregard) (The Satanic Verses)
No more Yoddo yearbook, Mona - let's go Lulu, Get thee gone, Pocohontas braid; today it's o Hey, dude! It's Surfer Salman hidin' out in the big
for Knopf's Playmate of the Year. Turn-ons: fire- TWA Renato. Coffee, tea or cleavage - we're ready curls off Catalina. Sorry about the ayatollah's
places, writing alfresco, rainy-day tutorials with for takeoff, Mr. Pulitzer. decreeendless bummer!
Gordon Lish.
-:--;
.
, - r I
Let's lose those rumpled-humanist curls and head She's up there with Malamud, but what about Rob Lowe shades, an Armoni binge, Michael
for Grocelond with a salsa splash. The Sewanec the little girl inside? Bows, bangles and Tootsie Jackson's spit curlsit's Malibu Steve, a horror
Review rumors are true - Kurt lives! frames . . . accessories let Cindy soar. no more.
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Only vehicles carry-
Ing Leona and/or
her legally dotty
'Y'%.::bL! husband, Harry,
are allowed on
the Red Road, named for its
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his pants on?" Leona asked. "He wouldn't
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shower turned cold,
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fired within minutes.
o
pool. (OUTDOOR)
were about to die under ice near the North Pole. For whales, in other words,
they were leading perfectly ordinary lives. And yet last fall they were the hot-
a tiny, ,îola village where, along with reporter TOM RosE, they found
aby girls rarely fall into wells. When they do. it's news - not exactly serious. portentous, Waihingion
cover the greatest nonstory in history or at least since Comet Kohoutek. BRUCE
under Arctic ice with dismayingfor them, anywayfrequency. After the spring thaw, their swollen carcasses are a not
HANDY has adapted this account from Rose's forthcoming book, Freeing the Whales.
uncommon sight along Alaska's northern coast, stale blubber providing nu-fret meals for undiscriminating polar bears.
People love whales. And here, as if by divine gift to newscast pro-
ducers, were three whales able to be saved on camera, live. The only
thing that might have cut quicker to America's sentimental heart would have been
the discovery under ice of Garfield, Snoopy or Millie Bush
a member of the International Whaling frontier social problems and polar bear
Commission, which has banned commercial atacks - the only reasons Barrow ever made 1
whaling, Eskimo villages are allowed a varying the news in the state's southerly cities.
quota ofcatches each year in order to maintain Unfortunately, there was little cIsc- in Barrow
a semblance of their traditional way of life - to shoot footage of. And yet, ifBarrow hadn't
Eskimos used to depend, in the main, on whales had a virtually unused television studio,
for survival in their barren, hostile environment. no one would have taped
Today Arctic villages depend far more heavily footage of the whales, no
on massive government subsidies, financed by one would have been able to
taxes on Alaskan oil; Barrow, for instance, has
the highest per capita rate of local government
spending in the nation, roughly S50,000 per
person. It also has the nations highest
unemployment rate, upwards of 70 percent. and
50 a captured whale is prized not only for its
_; ¿J, bave arrived to cover an Eskimo mayor's conference that was tak-
ing place; they were astonished, and amused, when they learned otherwise. Whales?
Fudg1.hoIfoahou,Ia.,... made it beyond Barrow's own Channel 20 and brilliantly set offby the bleak, white, unvarying
itS audience ola few hundred bored Eskimos if background, their labored breathing resounding
the biologists hadn't also called the Coast Guard in the Arctic silence, their watery spouts visibly
on the off chance that an ice cutter that could crystallizing as the spray fell to the ice -
free the whales might be in Barrow's vicinity dramatic images, great television (as TV people are
They left a message with a duty officer, who, in fond of saying), and all anyone had to do was get
turn, was contacted by a beat reporter from the there, point a camera and shoot. Or so it
Anchorage office of the Associated Press, hoping probably seemed to the envious, extremely
to scare up a storyCoast Guard rescue competitive newspeople at ABC, CBS and CNN
missions for lost hunters being to Alaska's media who watched NBC that night and knew that
what ghetto baby-killings are to York's. until they got to Barrow themselves, NBC had
In Anchorage the next morning, six days after an exclusive. Within half an hour after the
the whales had first been sighted, the Anchorage broadcast ended, Barrow's Top of the World
Daily News ran a front-page item about their Hotel had received more than 20 phone calls
plight. This caught the interest of an anchorman booking rooms for the following night.
at NBC's Anchorage affiliate. He received the
original whale footage by satellite (after FLYING NORTH FROM ANCHORAGE TO
explaining to the lone technician at Barrow's Barrow, one sees nothing but virgin forests of
studio how to use the village's heretofore idle, spruce and pine, rippling to the horizon in all
multimillion-dollar government-built transmitti ng directions. Farther north, the terrain begins to
complex) and was so impressed by the compelling look more forbidding; trees grow sparser and,
whale-vs.-ice imagery that he sent the footage past the Arctic Circle, vanish altogether. Near
on to the NBC affiliate in Seattle, which in turn, Barrow, as North America comes to ari end, there
similarly impressed, slotted the story on that is nothing but whiteand as Barrow-bound
night's edition of the NBC Nightly News. planes go into their descent, passengers
"In northern Alaska, winter comes very early," sometimes get the impression that an emergency
said Tom Brokaw at the end of his October 13 landing is about to take place on frozen tundra;
broadcast, a here's.our.heart-tugging.kicker look but no, frosty desolation is Barrow.
on his face, "and for three California gray whales Three hundred twenty miles north of the
it may have come too early." Halfway through his Arctic Circle, 1,500 miles from the North Pole,
sentence, the technical director ordered the tape the Point Barrow peninsula lies balanced atop
operator to roll tape. The audio engineer turned Alaska, a small protuberance crowning the states
up the sound of the first whale struggling to elephantine profile; it's as north as America gets.
breathe. The cameraman's zoomed-in lens caught The village of Barrow, at the base of the point,
the whale's snout lunging through the ice hole can be reached only by air, except for two or
like an MX missile, exhaling a herculean lungful three weeks in the summer when the dense
of air and water out the top of its head. Australia-size polar ice pack recedes far enough
Beyond the fact that whaleslike pit bulls for a supply ship to get through. These are the
and child molestersare always of interest to all too few days when the Barrow thermometer
ratings-hungry newscast producers; beyond the reaches its balmy seasonal high of a degree or
fact that Tom Brokaw had specifically requested two above freezing.
that his producers dig up more human-interest But winter returns with nine months of
stories so that he could appear to his audience subzero temperatures and 67 straight days of
as a nicer, more compassionate man than he may total darkness; temperatures drop to 40, even 50
or may not be; beyond such utile considerations, degrees below zero, with 100 mph winds that
a video cameraman couldn't have found a make for a windchill reading of-125 degrees
subject more perfectly suited to the medium: roughly the equivalent of a nippy day on Mars,
three huge animals trapped beneath a tiny hole, some 59 million miles farther from the sun.
contained as if on a set designed specifically for And yet, despite the inhospitability of its
television's needs, the animals' dark heads setting, Barrow is the oldest continuous
Eskimos: wood (no trees above the Arctic forma effort to stem its endemic alcoholism. ,I,s k. iii. voM's c.d.si
o,' MI.iv..d,
Circle); sugar (no fruits, no grains, no vegetables That this prohibition was frequently and c.r, ik. Soyse .Mp
either); alcohol (hard to manage without sugar); flagrantly violated did little to allay reporters'
guns; and, as has often been the case when anxieties.
traveling Europeans encounter indigenous Stepping offthe plane, reporters saw the same
populations, an attitude problem. Within a bleak expanse of white they had seen from the
generation, alcoholism had devastated the air, broken only by the rickety airport building,
Eskimo people; villages such as Barrow, whose the satellite transmission facility, two four-story
residents had learned over the millennia how to "high.rises' and the smattering ofhomes that,
live well off the spare fat of their land, now along with a few businesses, make up the village.
survived thanks only to trade and a kind of Driftwood shacks huddled next to six-figure
indentured servitude to New England whalers. prefab boxes, most clustered near the airport's
Wich the decline of America's commercial single runway and looking more like a moon
whaling fleet at the end of the nineteenth base than anything most Americans (or Syrians
century, Barrow listed toward extinction - that or Malays, for that matter) would recognize as a
is, until the Atlantic Richfield Company struck place where men and women could have dwelt
oil in nearby (nearby in Alaskan terms - it's 200 for millennia. ..
-
Anchorage, the morning after the whale story locals concluded that the reporters must
first appeared on NBC. Normally, the front two- have arrived to cover a borough mayor's
thirds of one of MarkAirs 737s holds cargo on conference char was taking place that
flights to Barrow, but that morning the agents week; were astonished, and amused, when
faced an almost unheard-of problem. There were they learned otherwise.
caribou hides and often had to share their sled with a dead walrus or seal, consoled
9ÓSPYOCEOBER 1989
Those trapped whales are hang- toward open water as Eskimos
ing on as an icebreaker moves cut a path through thick ice.
toward them in a race against More on the rescue effort from
time. . . . NBC's Don Oliver re- NBC's Don Oliver. ...
ports there is another reason SCENE iO
for hope tonight. ... MONDAY, OcTosIR24, 1988
TIAR THEY BLOW! SCENE 6
WIDNISDAY, OcTouiR 19, 1988
TOM BRoiw: lt's a whale of a
tale and ¡t does go on, that
TOM BRow: There is good rescue mission off the icebound
news to report tonight about coast of Alaska. NBC'S Don
those three whales trapped in Oliver remains at his post in
the ice of Alaska. NBC's Don the frozen north. ...
Relive the manufactured excitcmcnr! Relive the awkward attempts Oliver reports that they appear SCENE i i
at compassion! Forget that a presidential election, the Kraft to be regaining their strength TUISDAY, OCTOSIR2S, 1988
takeover and the rollout of the E.T video were occurring at the while they wait for help.... TOM BROKAW: On the whale
same time that NBC broke the immobilized-whale story! Now, us- SCENE 7 watch tonight, NBC's Don
ing official NBC Nightly Neu's transcripts, we've condensed the net- THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20, 1988 Oliver reports: The Russians
works drawn-out, cetocentric coverage of last Octobers events into TOM BRoiw: It's been going have arrived. The Russians have
a newsroom drama that you, your family and friends will enjoy on for 13 days now. The whales arrived. ...
performing at home. and that ice that theyre trapped SCENE i 2
in offPoint Barrow, Alaska.... WIDHISDAY, OcToItR26, 1988
CAST OFCHARACTERS NBC's Don Oliver has been TOM BRoKtw: Freedom for the
TOM BROKAW, a genial, if dry, midwestern anchorman spending a lot of his time in whales. It shouldnt be long
CONNIE CHUNG, a tense, humorless those freezing temperatures, now. . . . NBC's Don Oliver
Ç Asian-American anchorwoman following this life-and-death reports we're down to the final
r
.-e GAuucK UTLEY, a windy intellectual struggle. ... few hundred yards and a
with a funny name SCENE 8 breakthrough. ...
FRIDAY, Oci0HR21, 1988 SCENE i 3
SCENE TOM BRow: A giant THURSDAY. OdOUR 27, 1988
The anchor desk of a network newscast makeshift battering ram was TOM BRotw: The ice has
flown to Point Barrow, Alaska, been broken. But those two
today, in a desperate new at- whales that have been trapped
tempt to free those three whales off the Alaska coast appear to
SCENE i whales. They look battered and trapped in the ice for two be in no hurry to get going
THUftSDAY, OdouR 13. 1983 pathetic, and they're hanging weeks now. As NBC's Don tonight. . . . NBC's Don Oliver
ToM BROKAW: In northern on for dear life today, after Oliver reports from the scene remains on station in the
Alaska winter comes very early, spending more than a week tonight, the effort to save these north. ...
and for three California gray trapped in the Arctic ice. ...
whales, it may have come too Don Oliver reports now from
early this year. Ice is freezing the most northern point of the
the Beaufort Sea. The whales United States, Point Barrow,
are trapped in a small pool Alaska. ...
surrounded by walls of ice six SCENE 4
inches thick. They can't break MONDAY, OcT0IER 17, 1938
out. Authorities had hoped that TOM BROKAW: It was 14 degrees
an icebreaker could come to below zero today off the coast
their rescue. But no icebreaker of Alaska, where three gray
is in that area. whales are fighting for their ..olN r.« Is UtilI H,.,.HIC. Do. OIv. . .
SCENE 2 lives. The whales are stranded huge mammals is growing in- SCENE 14
SATURDAY. Ocouit 15, 1988 by ice that formed early this creasingly complicated and FRIDAY, OcTosIR28, 1988
CONNIE CHUNG: Good eve- season. They're battered and expensive. ... TOM BROKAW: Tonight the
fling. Time and hope appear to theyre bleeding and they're SCENE 9 whales are gone, we think, swim-
be (BROADCAST INTERRUP- near exhaustion. . . . NBCs Don SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1988 ming free in open water, and
lIONcut to color bars) Oliver is with them. ... CONNIE CHUNG: One of the presumed to be headed south
SCENE 3 SCENE 5 three whales trapped in the ice toward warmer water. . . . Our
SUNDAY, OCT0PIR 16, 1988 TUISDAY, OcroliR 1 8, 1988 near Barrow, Alaska, has not reporter is still there - NBC's
GARRICK UTLEY: There are TOM BRoiw: Who will win in surfaced since yesterday. . . . The Don Oliver. ...
three of them, California gray Alaska? The ice or the whales? remaining two whales inched - Kate McDowell
his voice had inexplicably begun ro slur. He couched his chin and
ou!dn't feel a thing: his lower jaw had frozen. His viewers, however,
Fudgkftv.kounIois,. hardly differed from footage ofthe whales blends with the white Arctic sky, blinding
d,od; o w$wotk ø.w; . .
consspondin$su.hondo
sticking their heads out ofthe first hole for everyone except polar bears, who then make
,.co,dthe$oImon,.M the thousandth timeor from any hole, for short work of befuddled caribou and stumbling
chat matter. humans. Not that polar bears, who are among
Actually getting to the holes was infinitely the most fearless creatures on earth and have
more interesting. The first reporters on the scene been known to attack helicopters, need to rely on
had commandeered the few available vans and whiteout to keep their bellies full: the only
trucks, regardless of (uniformly wretched) reason they never bothered any of the multitude
condition. Not that cars are practical in Barrow of reporters and whale rescuers was most likely
anyway: engines need special heaters to keep that they had simply found food more to their
their oil and grease from freezing, and a Barrow liking elsewhere. Still, the threat of their
driver doesn't dare turn a motor off between imminent interest was such that reporters had to
October and May if he or she wants the car ever shell out extra for their armed Eskimo drivers co
to start again. And with Arctic diesel selling for stay by their side on the ice.
$3 a gallon, it costs $200 a week just to keep a And there was always the sheer cold to worry
car idle. (Auto theft isn't a problem in Barrow: about: one hapless reporter for ajapanese network,
there are only a few roads, none leading within seconds of arriving on the ice, discovered
anywhere, making theft a kind of Zen exercise.) that his contact lenses had frozen fast to his
The vast majority of reporters had arrived too eyeballs; blinking and tearing only managed ro
late to rent a truck and were forced to freeze his eyelids shut over the lenses, forming a
congregate early each morning outside the Top sort of flesh-plastic-eyeball sandwich. Thus
of the World and bid against one another for momentarily blinded, he was led away to thaw
the services of Eskimos who owned either by Laughing Eskimos. (Given that the Japanese
snowmobiles or dogsleds and were willing to eat whale meat and think of the animals as very
make the 15-mile trip out to the whales, for large livestock, their interest in the rescue story
which they could get up to $200 cashor $150 must have been largely comicnot unlike
and a fifth of liquor. This was for a one-way ride Westerners making light of Hindu cow worship.)
(anyone without $200 for the return trip was As is frequendy the case, however the reporters
stranded until the National Guard or Search and were by far their own worst enemies. Once
Rescue picked them up). The Eskimos squeezed having made it to the ice, they pushed, shoved
out extra profits by offering multiple levels of and even threw punches in their efforts to get the
service: first-class passengers got to wrap best spots for taping the surfacing whales - and
themselves in polar bear blankets and sleeping drank heavily in an effort to keep warm, no
bags; coach passengers huddled in bloodstained doubt fueling further outbreaks of heated
caribou hides and often had to share their sled professionalism. Back in their rooms, reporters
with a dead walrus or seal, consoled that frozen drank just as vigorously; after all, even Barrow's
dead seals don't stink. most modern buildings are rarely heated to
The 50-minute trip could be a dangerous one. higher than 40 or 50 degrees (yes, above zero).
There was always the possibility, however remote, Perhaps inevitablyor perhaps because
that one might fall victim to ¡vu, a sort of Eskimos charged $50 for trickly, lukewarm
icequake in which the sudden release of stored- showers - personal hygiene went by the wayside.
up energy in the ice pack causes huge shards, No reporter suffered more than Ken Bursiem,
weighing as much as a ton, to shoot out of the the American correspondent for 10 TV Australia,
sea like warheadsand land like warheads, too. one of Australia's three major broadcasters.
Reporters also had to worry about whiteout, a During his first Alaskan broadcast, Bursiem
deadly Arctic phenomenon that has nothing to realized that his voice had inexplicably begun
do with correction fluid: when the wind whips to sluL He touched his chin and couldn't feel a
snow-covered ground, the sandstormlike effect thing: his lower jaw had frozen. His viewers,
98SPYOCTOBER 1989
however, being Australians, immediately assumed spent over $5 million dollars to save the whales.
he was drunk, and, being Australians, ate it up. This may seem like a lot of money to lavish on a
Burslem was forced to stand for longer and random trio of animals, however big, but on the
longer stretches in the subzero Arctic night, and government's terms, the sum pales in comparison
the more inebriated his frozen jaw made him with, say, the $22 billion blown on B-2 bombers.
sound, the more his countrymen turned on their Even Bruce Willis will get more than $5 million -
sets to see him; soon stations all across Australia $2 million more, though not, thankfully, from
were requesting their own five interviews with the federal treasuryto make Die Hardi!.
the shivering pseudoalcoholic at the top of the No one knows how much the world's media
world, and by the end of a long, punishing night spent covering the whale rescue. Yet for all their
chattering to various anchormen, Burslem could considerable efforts, nearly all of the journalists
barely even manage the slur for which he had failed to report what to natives was an actual DONIII,. losyow, bjw wo,
become celebrated. Crowds of Eskimoswho story: a house fire that instantly incinerated three h. p.ot A.ssvkom oo.stoy.
h. isst o eli. wo,Id woo
rival Australians in their affinity for this sort of Eskimo children. Their driftwood shack happened - oöoou.d.
spectaclegathered to watch Bursfem's marathon to sit across the street from the Barrow firehouse,
broadcasts, and at the end of his stay in Alaska but, unfortunately, it was empty that nightthe
presented him with the key to Barrow's brand- firemen had knocked offearly, exhausted from
new alcohol treatment center. Burslem went all the hours they had spent on the ice that week,
on to win the Thorn Award, Australia's most cutting holes for the whales. (No one, however,
prestigious broadcast journalism prize, for his was accused of negligence.)
seemi ngfy i ntemperate Barrow reportage. (Memo As for the whales themselves, only two actually
to Anthony Haden-Guest: Down Under.) made it. The third, a calf, died ofexhaustion not
long before the Russian icebreaker reached them.
As THE STORY DRAGGED INTO ITS SECOND The local biologists, who by having the whales
week without much incident, even the various videotaped in the first place had set offthe chain
news media began to tire of it. "It's a whale of a ofevents that led to their rescue, were originally
tale and it does go on' Tom Brokaw semiquipped thinking oftagging them with transmitting devices
as he introduced the tenth installment of the in order to record their migration south to the
NBC Nightly News's continuing coverage. Time waters off Baja California, where gray whales
reported in its omniscient way that "enthusiasm ... winter. The biologists thought better of it,
had begun to wane' while The New York Times though. Chances were that, given the
led off its longest story on the rescue (out of a physical stress the whales' ordeal had put
restrained total ofeight) with the objections of them through, as well as the lateness of
biologists who noted that the very fact that the the season, the animals
whales were stranded was likely natur&s way of
keeping the speciess flourishing numbers down.
In the end, 14 days after the story broke, the
:' probably
somewhere
'a;:
farther :
IT'S I WIMI OF A fl.J1U
animals were saved by the Eskimos, who, working down the Alaskan
for the borough at $15 an hour, cut a succession coast - or, failing that, ,___ U-,-
ofholes in the ice from which the animals could _,,
swim, one to the other, until they were near
enough to open water that a Soviet frigate could rwi
cut them a two-mile channel to freedom. ARCO 17-11 1#J .
! '?'
Guard. Even President Reagan made his customary !1!UI!IU
phone call. All participants - in some cases far
from i ncidentally - earned themselves some iJ
neat PR, especially Greenpeace, which saw its
membership soar; the Soviets, who gave up end up as choice eating for
commercial whaling only last year (they reportedly the schools of killer whales -
used whale meat as mink feed); and the oil and great white sharks that lie «".-«°
?j"°
companies, which would dearly need a reservoir off the Pacific Northwest
.
of public goodwill when, a few months later, coast. The biologists decided
their sister company Exxon fouled a significant theyd rather not know: it
stretch of previously pristine Alaskan coast. would be a down ending to a nice story. Tom
The federal government and private industry Brokaw would surely agree. )
I __
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'We are f/ut beginning to . . . learn something about ¿he history ofihe interior decoratot whose infinence on modern 1:/e
has been . . . both pervasive andprofonnd. - introduction to The Decoration ofHouses, by Edith Wharton and Ogden
CodrnanJr., 1897 Somewhere in a large Manhattan co-op, an apartment uptown in every sense, a
New York socialite and publisher begins his days by padding across floors covered with rushvast square
yardage of hollow, pliant reeds pulled from swamps and woven together. Medieval European peasants,
generally unable to obtain acrylic shag, wove the stuffinto rugs to relieve the dirt floors oftheir huts. The
society publisher, needless to say, is not living in a hut; indeed, he could almost certainly afford to cover
his floors with a truckload ofSotheby's better Kashans and kilims. Instead he has grass matting harvested
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no,no,damnit,itsa//w,mg.Theswagsgo1ikethis!" °
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designerimplies abt more than decorating,'ex- '1 î
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MATERIALS
Welcome to che official SPY Interior Decorators l.iccnsing Exam (SIDLE). On the foIlow Ilentijication and c/)aractriJtics. installation. a/'propriatcPu-Ji o/Use
ing pages you will encounter lots and lots offascinatingly multiple choices. Doiit hurry through
them. Take the SIDLE to the quiet corner of your home or workspace where you do _7. Which of the following world-renowned interiors em-
your best conceptualizing. then relax. take your time, sip a California Chardonna) Consult ploycd flame-resistant chamois leather walls, onyx floors
your best sources. favorite suppliers and intimate confidants. ifyou Bo,mv hance - and real tortoiseshell ceilings?
and good luck! a. Adnan Khashoggis sleekly ap- .
pointed onetime yacht, the ,abila
b. the onetime 282-foot floating hideaway of Middle East-
cm businessman A. Khashoggi
PROGRAMMING AND PLANNING BUILDING C. the luxuriously crafted 1.800-ton pleasure craft once
owned by Monsieur Adnan Khashoggi of Saudi Arabia
Asscisrnent oJ client nie(/s. rejearch :ec/mique CONSTRUCTION AND
b. furniture and appliances C. a bud; on Ul)tclS ifshe doesnt return your calls, even after
b. serving amber-colored
cocktails poured from scuip- that fail to suest the word the big basket of Moët arrives
toral decanters lift-style
C. admiring entire walls of C.bathtubs without power- 9- Your client requests a comfortable reading chair. You:
books bound in the sensuous ful, multidirectional water o. l)uy a $1,600 armchair at Macy's that can he delivered in
textures of aged leather jets a few weeks
6. In which one otthe tollow- b. prepare the following bill, and warn the iltent not to ex-
THEORY ing real instances described pect delivery until the 1990s
in a published interview Nfl
¡)esign and compinitzon. color and lig/.?tiflg LIST hifi
with Lumn Minnelli does in-
tenor designer Timothy i. violet silk wing chair $3,500 $1,000
3. Which of the following hues, tints, tones and color con- McDonald most success- ii. add freight
cepts are also tempting, nontoxic fruits:
fully provide an emotional (although it is already included) $150
o. Rome. Valencia. Seville for his add tax (although you have an
support system iii.
b. dusty apricot. pale persimmon, blushing peach client' cXernI)tiOn and pay no sales tax) $595
C. Granny Smith, Jonathan. Golden Delicious. Navel
a. Tini just couldnt get iv. re-cover silk chair in apricot suede
over the fact that I couldn't (four yards) $480 $1,200
4. Create the most arousing possible furnishinghorizon- read a floor plan. So he (upholsterer) $30Û
tall (Example: fiot-ked hippeadale bergère manqtc) rctiiiifl k-g. in Chinese red lacquer
finally said, Look, pretend V.
o. distressed a. Chippendale o. lowboy a. manqué
ottoman yoti_re in a helicopter fly- (lacquerer) $285
b. flocked b. Queen Anne b. b. iLtinbé
ins over the space. and it vi. strip suede, re-cover in violet silk
C- hand-tied c. Louis XIV C. bergère c. touché
worked! (trim) $50 $110
b. At first it was a bit (four new yards) $300 $600
CONTRACT DOCUMENTS
difficult for me. ld say, (upholsterer) $320
Reading ti
orking drawings. íhop drau mgi and n-la:cd 'Tim - did you see ' Il f U1 ff-If relinishud legs in
visual material Do you remember the lace marble finish (artist) S3OC
5. Find the reproduction ninetvciith-centuryJapancse cloi- we were on the same wave- $4,330 $8.910 $1,950
. $1,950
sonné vase in the following pictures: length.
C. After Mark carried me $10.860
over the threshold. we
obi ci
walked into a room full 10. Your clients husband asks you why one chair --i
of beautiful thingsand 53.5(X) chair" costs him S I 0,860.
Halston and Tim. I asked You answer:
them ro leave us alone for a o. "Trust mc on this one - the apricot was k-adly'
while, because it was such b. "Pay a professional, get a professional job."
.i peronaI and private C. "Level with mewhen was the last time you quibbled
enough to give them something distinctive. "It's un- To SAY THAT ALL OF JOHN SALADINOS WORK
fortunately the people that have the money, that looks the same (distressed walls, steel-and-mahog-
can afford to buy things," says Buatta, who "dont any coffee tables, pseudo-Greco-Roman sofas), or
buy the right things." i 'i
that every Mark Hampton house looks the same
(English Regency armchairs, gilrwood eagle con-
soles, Georgian tables with lion's-claw feet), or that
every Jay Spectre apartment (cheesy Art Deco-
r'
-
lin SUCCISSON
MANY LUVLLS inspired leather armchairs, curved alcove ban-
quettes, rattan glass-topped dining tables) looks like
every other Jay Spectre apartment, is not, in the
view of most of their clients, to make a withering
criticism - it's the designer's formulaic look they
want. Self-emulation seems to bother nobody. Waldo,
the decorator-to-the-stars - did we mention that
Michael York is a client? and Goldie Hawn?
r published pictures of an extravagantly renovated
Brentwood mansion (the clients were nobodies) in
Los Angeles magazine this summer: a huge water-
fall, curvy ersatz-boulderish walls throughout, a
shag-c arpeted master suite and grass-cloth-covered
ADKllON
-- -.
In 1979, the post.hippic accor.producer insisced on showing readers oíAparrmcn Life his Luxo
Kleenex boxes - the works. It is a memorable
house - and was memorable when he did the same
thing back in the more ersatz-boulderish-walls-
shag-carpet-and-interior-waterfall year 1976.
lamps and carpet-covered plywood platforms; in 1988, Michael and Diandra forced readers of "Nothing is ever new," the decorator told Los Angeles.
ArcbueauralDigcs:co ogle their California house; and now the act has become annualhere, the
1989 Mirabel/a spread on the Douglases Manhattan apartment Anyway, he said, the new place, original or not, is
"a Waldo." But Waldo, it seems, does not copy just
himself. He is said to be unnaturally influenced by
McDonough, the architect, grants that "a lot of the late California designer Michael Taylor. And
[decoratorsi are very sophisticated and well edu- three years ago, after Mery Griffin had the designer
cated. They're capable of a lot more than what Mark Appleton dream up a desert house for him,
they're asked to do. But basically it's Do the English then let Appleton go and hired Waldo, Waldo more
country house." or less executed Appleton's designs and called the
And anyfaux lady or gentleman needs, for his or result his own. Wasn't Mery surprised, chagrined,
her mukimillion.dollar New City English appalled? Waldo says he currently has six deco-
country house, a formal library, with 300, 400, rating projects for Mery under way, including a
500 feet ofbookshelves. In many instances, it is up Spelling-size 60,000-square-foot mansion.
to the interior designer to supply the 300, 400, The architects' critique ofdecorators is not just
500 feet of books as well. Along with stocking a matter ofeducational snobbery or guild jealousy,
reviewers' throwaways, the Strand bookstore does a or class tension. There are a few good architects
"quite substantial" business selling used books by without visceral antidecorator feeling ("My archi-
the linear foot, according to owner Fred Bass. tecture u;ants to be decorated," Robert AM. Stern
Prices range from $5 a foot to $10 a foot for "more says), but most consider an interior they have de-
substantial books in better condition" only a few signed perfect as is: to decorate a room is to gild
thousand dollars, in other words, to appear learned. the lily and to use thick, cruddy gilt at that. One
"We get customers," Bass marvels, "who say, 'We trendy New York architect has been working with
don't care what they arewe want an older look.' MAC Il, the professional decorating vehicle of
They need their shelves filled immediately. l've had socialites Mica Ertegun and Chessy Rayner. He
decorators come in with their clients and say, 'We understands why decorators want to tart up New
only want green-leather bindings. What do you York homes with fake-old-fashioned stage sets - to
ing they depend. The standard photo bartera FOR THE UNINITIATE, APPROACHING THE HIGH
company lends the merchan- altar of big-name design usually begins with a
dise for the duration of the quick lesson in don't-ask-you-can't-afford-it eco-
shoot in exchange for credit nomics. If you get past the switchboard at Sala-
in the magazineis some- dino's office, for instance, and actually make an ap-
times supplemented by deals pointment, you may be asked to first fork over a
in which, sa bathroom fix- nonrefundable retainer. Fine: $500? $1,000? As
tures are installed at fire-sale much as $50,000, according to one client. "For
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Free Advice from America í Most Expensive Decorators
If you had the last aparr- Company executive, the we lut the phones. dent. John Nilioul. sug- is tt least tempting to Tliankfull; for those kinds All of which suggests
mein on earth and wanted fictitious Emma Tipton One hundred thousand geared that with your the professionals. Nobody of dollars, a decorator re- that for SI million, you
to redecorate something got a loft on Leonard Street dollars, it would seem budget you might do better seemed to care about the fuses to alienate. When we pretty much get the sort
posrapocalypric but un- and $100,000 to renovate despite being consider- with a smaller firm. . . . We nouveau. Wall Street as- asked the vice president of interior decor you ac-
derstated, saywould a it as her graduation present ably more than the corn- reach $100,000 very easily pect ofour fictional cash; ofSaladinds firm about the tually want. A vaguely
classy decorator touch the (after receiving her degree bined salaries of all the in a billing And the MAC it was meager enough, possibility of combining plausible-sounding corn-
ob for anything less tht(fl ¡ri photography). We in- writers who contributed ro Il representativewho howcvcr. to make them ret- classy geometric pat- purer consulting business
a quarter million or a vented Peter Harris, a this story is ¡iot enough drove swiftly to the heart of icent about a house call. terns. eighteenth-century moving co New York from
mil? Even in circumstances Salomon Brothers trader to even tonjider decorating the budget question and Geofirey Hello. lin Jay antiques and art deco, he Tucso& One office floor,
less extreme, what might with two bedrooms in a loft. 'Well, its a start was inordinately curious Spectr&s Partner Brad- saw no problem at all. one living floor and one
be the lowest fire-sale price Rupert Towers who just oflèred a Jay Spectre Inc. about how we came to ac- field: Probably the best Yes, absolutelywe think entertaining floor, done
that could coaxJohn Sala- bought the adjacent one- representative. "but it quire the loft was least thing would be for you ro of ourselves that we can Santa F? A husband-and-
dino or Jay Spectre or bedroom flat and wants. might isoc be enough to do convincing in her offer to come in and see us, see do anythirg' And the wife team where the h,ij-
MAC Il (Mica Erregurs finally to have it all pro- a complete project. . . . You pass the message along. some of the work weve $500,000? That sounds ha,zd makes the decorator-
outfit) to stop by and take fessionaUy done for might want to put up some Okay, loft on Leonard done. talk about the way we very appropriateits, of hiring calls? You got it.
measurements? TItis we $500E000. And we created walls. a private bedroom, a Street. And thats, uh, workwhich is very sim- course. not the largest You'll do just fine. You
determined to find our, by Gene Wendell. half of a kitchen it might be more rnodrn furnishings' sh pieand see if we c-an budget weve ever worked should come in taon and
means of deception. Yes: husband-and-wife corn- realistic co double that feinted. pretending. it work together. Hows next with, but its not unrea- talk to the principals
let' lied. But only in the purer consulting team just figure. (ihe fellow did at seemed clear. to scrawl the weekï Chessy Riyner at sonable Chessy Rayner Mac Il. Oh. it sounds o'
service of truth. in from Tucson who have least offer an opinion derails of our call. Well MAC II: l think you can was even more exuberant bea:itiÏ/! Some ol the ccii- e'
Having chosen our three $1 million to transform about our Miss Tiptons get in touch and see if we do very nicely for that about our $500000, and Ing heights in those Chel-
top decorators. we began their brand-new Chelsea clwsen profession: 1 think can set up an appoint- amount olmoney. Are you our eclecticideas: Ab- sea townhouses are sp/en-
weaving elaborate scenar- townhouse into a dy- photography is a very im- ment" At press time, were familiar with OUr work? I solutel) Mixing it up is a did!Jay Spectre Inc.
jos involving occupations. namic working-living- portant art form) We were still waiting. would suggest that you good idea I dont think - Peter H#r,,an.
budgets and floor plans. entertaining space with a hardly so lucky with John Five hundred thousand make an appointment to you WLflt ali antiques or !1ezr; A/ford and
Daughterofa Ford Motor southwestern feel. Thcn Saladino. Their vice presi- dollars. on the other hand. come in and take a look:' all overstuffed. E/ijsa Shappell
I
dents right ou t of sL lìool . The' bi 11 everythi ng. And from real, price-lowering competit ion
nore power to them. Al! theyre doing is respond "lt's a very common practice in the industry"
ng to what the niarket wtII bear. '«hih seems to says an architect responsible t'or many high-priced
be, like, basiiI1y unlimited.' Say there are. conser- New York interiors, "for the showroom to say to
vatis-ely. 20,000 American households that want the designer. 'How many receipts would you like?'
name-brand decorating and that each year a tenth And "Vould you like a blank receipt?' Very corn-
otthern .iOmfl)iSSIOflS nìaør work - tn other words, fUOfl, Not everyone does it, hut let's just say it's
L000 high six- and seven-hgurc ohs annually to understood, okay? Look. You own a showroom.
he chosen by the several dozen fanions .tnd quasi- You're sitting there looking out the window. s'ou've
tamous American decorators. got nothing to do, and somebody walks in and
Underlying this remunerative El Dorado is a drops $350,000 worth of' business in your 1ap. So
omplicated and ultimately price-fixed fee scruc- what do you do 'He) um, I really want to show my
tute based on mythical retaiI' prices for furnish- appreciation for tIns - would yo like the recel pt
ings. fabrics and other matériel, and on mutually [later presented to the client) to show the retail or
beneficial sales practices between the designers wholesale [net) cost?' Perfectly innocent question.
and their supplicrs. Top.of-th--heap designers In other ''ords, there are 'ery polite
ot:tcn work for a fixed ke, typically 25 to 35 per- ways to structure the paperwork."
:cnt ot the total cost of the ob. Keeping the clients in the dark
Bin In addition to thei r tee. most designers abOut pricing when they finally do
poket a large windfall by buying furniture and breach the walls of the showrooms
ixher supplies at "net" cost, tacking on a 25 to 40 is iílStitLltlOfl.tliZCd. One dodge,
percent surcharge and billing the client tIns "retail" c heer fu I lv cx posed by Metropolitan
price. So in our $1-million-niinirnun scenario, the home, is tIte "5-10" price tag, which
designer actually pays only $600,000 w $750,000 allows browsing designers to calco-
for furnishings and supplies billed to a client at late a piece's net price without tip-
SI niillion ping offthe client. For example, the
\Vhilc the decorators bu'-lov sell-high practice net price of an ottoman marked
h somewhat analogous to a building contractor's 730-10 is calculated by subtracting
buying materials at cost and pocketing the 5 from the Ief't figu re a ud I O troin
Jiflerence, at least you or I Lould go down to the the right, or $72 5 - wInch is what
lumberyard any tiie we w.intc-d to buy the two-b'- the designer -ill pay the showroom. 'l'he client
fours. Not so with decorating. "lt's impossible to pays the designer anywhere up to $1,000, Is
rind a good upholsterer, or get good workmanship, everybody happy? Probably. Is the client crazy for One architect says
r buy fine f'ahrks without the assistance of' a paying $1,000 f'or an ottomani Probably. "The whole
designer," notes Karen Fisher. 'All the best show' relationship," concludes a regular limes Home sec- he has worked
rooms are closed to the publie . and most are very tion contributor, "is inimical to the client in the
are1ul to deal with the trade only. f'I'he designers) first place" with decorators
na"e established a very powerful union in their
position there." SPEND, THEREFORE AM more thon once
The locomotive pulling this gravy train is the to- BUT 'I'HE IIIGI-I PRICES ARF OFtEN THE UNSPOKEN
the-trade showroom, from the venerable Decora- point oigo/ng to Chcssy or Jay or Mark, of luxuri who hove proposed
non and Design (D&D) Building in New York to 01_ls decorating generally: it's hard, almost an oxy-
tHe elephantine "design centers" that have sprung moron, to practice conspicuous consumption in a removing o building's
Li lU ¡1105t major American cities during the last shrewd, financially prudent fashion, "They've made
deade. Access to these bunkers is, theoretically, a lot of money on Wall Street, and now they're structural columns
strit1v limited, the expensive goods inside un- learning taste," snifis a non-rush-mat-owning New
ivailablc to even the most conspicuously con- York publisher, who's worked with several deco-
suniptivc Park Avenue arriviste unless he or she rators over the past two decades, of his decorators'
is in the company of a designer or architect. typical clients. 'And there's a lot of pcople around
Why not just sell the pieces directly to consum- who want to spend a lot, just so they can tell their
ers? From the furniture companies' perspective, friends how much they spent decorating. Visit me
Its a matter of distribution, They say there isn't lu the Ilamptons, I'll introduce you to a hundred:
broad enough demand to justify manufactur- 'I hadJohn Saladino and it cost a million dollars to
ng and marketing such merchandise - Knoll's renovate my living r0000000m" 'I'hey cant wait to
Pliscer sofa costs $16,901, a Barcelona chair costs tell you what they spent,' "Bored wealthy women
56,486 - at a retail level. But by cutting in the who never see their husbands," says an architect,
designers with professional discounts and sell- "are buying entertainnient - they're ust tickled
ng only to them, the manufacturers are assured pink to spend $4 nillion with Ì%lario Boatta,"
;steady stream of business and are insulated Is there no limit' Does no one just say
OCTOBER t9i9SPY 109
no? Recently an antiques dealer, having re- all likelihood creating a distinctly aristocratic
rained one of New York's most expensive showcase, and each is anxious to convince the other
interior designers to decorate his South- that refined taste and social self-confidence and huge
ampton bathroom, received a bill for ap- sums of money do not faze.
proximately $18,000. The sum was not, as "Most decorators," says an important New York
one might reasonably assume, the charge decorating editor, "grew up poor, on the edge ola
for the entire project; it was the decorator's swamp. Their work as decorators is a nose-pressed-
fee for procuring and installing a single cur- to-the-glass experience. Decorating, for them, is
tain. The gravy train lurched; the antiques the ultimate expression of arrival. They all, how-
dealer ordered the curtain removed and sent ever, try to leave you with the impression that they
back to the decorator; the client made it spent their childhoods romping on rolled lawns.'
clear he did not intend to pay the $18,000. In this sense, the $18,000 curtain becomes, in all
Another Manhattan client who, with her but its particular form, no different from the
entertainment-executive husband, inter- 24-karat-gold Kimball concert grand piano at
viewed Hampton and Buatta about decorating their Graceland. Spectre grew up in Kentucky, Saladino
Upper East Side townhouse says a Parish-Hadley de- in Missouri. And although Hampton freely admits
signer gave them the choice ola Aubus- that his father was an undertaker and farmer in In-
son and another rug for about $50,000. Again, the diana, he has a very flutey, non-farmer's-son ac-
gravy train made an unscheduled stop; the couple cent. "There's so much pretense in the business,"
rejected both rugs, although they could have afforded Buatta says. Decorators "think they're so much bet-
either. "I basically said to [the decorator), %Vere flot ter than the client." Recently, Buatta says, he
theKravises. We're not, you know, wanting to put on watched "one young [decorator], a southern guy,
a big show." h&s one of the most pretentious people you ever
Sociologically, the decorator-client relationship is
often deeply interesting, fraught with confusion and
thus one-upmanship about who is snootier or more from che preternaturally cozy. animal-painting-clogged
Left,
powerful than whom - Swept Away without the sex. pseudo-Victorian look in 1973 . to the preternaturally
. .
In most cases, both the client and the designer are cozy, an imal-pai nting.clogged pseudo-Victorian
look in 1989: right, three Kips Bay showhouse
from relatively humble backgrounds, yet they are in rooms - the 1981 cchotchke-crammed ersatz
annoy you with their she wanted the kitchen opened up after all. Fine,
likes or dislikes"how Ron Wilson said. "That's not unusual for her
darethey!"and no mat- he explained to Architectural Digest. "She's a ver
ter how much you wish strong Taurus, and I'm smart enough. being a
they would see things Taurus myself, not to argue with her.'
your way, their input is Or, as one society designer has said. apropos his
always gonna make the many moneyed clients: "What I do is hold the
project unique.' hands of a lot of rich cunts."
To be fair, of course,
clients sometimes de- WHICH LEADS US, SOMEHOW, TO THE ULTIMATE
serve the contempt their question: Do we really need interior decorators
rn wah-m wab kissy- face The vast majority of designers, of course, would
designers privately heap answer affirmatively; and the majority of designers
on them. According to perform low-key, competent services for ordinary
press reports, Nancy peopir who haven't the time or inclination to
Reagan has spent this ttirnirure-shop or visualize traffic flow from the
year bothering her dcc- tiìud room to the breakfast nook.
orator 'l'ed Graber by phone day and night, fussing "Theoretically, ifyou have a well-defined enough
endlessly over details in the Reagans' new Bel Air sense of taste. what the hell do you need a deco'
By thc time she returned house, And in Malibu. whereJohn McEnroe and rator for?" asks a decorating client who neverO
his famous wife arc refurbishing their house, theless continues to use one. "They do lend a cohe-
from her vocation neighbors have reportedly taken to calling her ian- sion, and they go out and shop. Which is why I hire
trum O'Neal for the screaming fits she directs at them - not to impose their taste on me, but to do
and beheld the floshy, the refurbishers. a lot ofthe legwork I don't want to do." And. as we
The beautiful people are also, after all, high- have seen, designers, for good or ill, hold the keys
lavish redecoration strung, fussy, mercurial people. Tina Brown has to the castle. "People with quite good taste will use
had Chester Cleaver, yet another designer-to-the- a designer because they need the access [to the
for the first time, stars, as her decorator ever since she arrived in the showrooms and other craftsmen)," says Karen
U.S. back in the middle of the Nancy Decade. He Fisher. Do you know a good carpet installer? Right.
Tina Brown had had made her East Side apartment look Mayfair- Do you know a good painter? The fact is, the hot.
esque in 1986, after which he was the subject of ror stories you hear about decorating tend to come
changed her mind a flattering article in Brown's Vanity Fair in 1987. from people who tried to [do it) themselves on the
Last spring. Cleaver was engaged to make over her cheap."
and promptly had office on the fourth floor ofCondé Nast's Madison So we're stuck with the interior-decorator pro-
Avenue headquarters. A flashy, lavish redesign was liferation. And, to be sure, the designers who cling
almost everything proposed by the decorator and approved by Tina to New York society do serve an indispensable
in April: custom blond wood cabinetry, cranberry- functionwhich is to give the very, very rich a
ripped out red carpet, glittery seventies-style violet walls, jazzy privately appalling way to spend their money. As
fluorescent lights, a huge black and white marble long as social dimbing remains the precarious
slab desk. But by the time shed returned from her journey it is, (lie p.ith littered with the bodies of
vacation in July and beheld the redecoration for those who decorated wrong and lost their footing,
the first time, Tina had changed her mind. Brown there will be a decorator standing by with a stout
(who is notorious for assigning and then killing en- coil of rope and a plummy voice to lead the rest of
tire issues' worth of articles and photography) the way up. And the nouveaux riches - even the
promptly had everything but the cabinets ripped not-so-nouveaux richeswill pay up and follo
out and replaced. Now the walls are off-white, Gladly, even. As Sister Parish said, it's important
the carpet is off-white, the lights standard fix- that they feel comfortable. . . and grateful.
112 SPY OCTOBER 1989
December 986
BRATs
'Brats want everythingfame
without achievement, money
without employment, fun without
effort. And brats get what they
want.
March 1987
TRUE CoNFssIoNs
Hacking through the celebrity
memoir glut. The sex! The drugs!
The awkward prose!" Rock
Hudson, Charles Manson, l'ina
Turner and much, much more in
our easy-to-read foldout chart.
S.pt.mber 1987
- THE MEN Wuo DEFEND l'UE Mob
TìE 'Our American system of justice
! requires that every defendant, no
matter how vicious or contempt-
ible, receive the best legal defense JOINING
possible."
Octobrl987 Io i' 'v
THESPY loo I
1988 L P Vi October1988
-> -
V - z,
OuR IssuE
NI(:E TH1 SPY 100 o>-
t#t
"Donald Trumpa heck of a guy. I.L11.I H"Our annual census of the 100 most z J
Vj
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'n
Q-
N
o
o
t
May1988 I.
1E U US! o
WELCOMETORATCITY!
)
"It's not enough for some people to o tN
¡
lt munches concrete, it swims like be well-to-do and well known; they X oc oc oc X I-.
-J
z
\C N N N N 00
success." December only 9° 9° 9° 90 9° 9° I,.'
a'
('1
.
I..
.
wrote, "Rob Reiner offers welcome relief." u
He looked too young and too pretty. ... Greek culture, a man is expected to worn-
(4) Best mistake: "We hear music so l-lis best performances are in romantic anize"; "Greeks are among the worlds
doomy you might think it to be Mahler, roles. . . in which his boyish gusto can
though it's really Prince in a cosmic greatest rurnormongers):
come to seem something more: ardent, (2) too many hokey Niarchos nick-
mode"-Vincent Canby, The New rk overwhelmingly sensual.'
limes.
names (the Golden Greek," "the Deiphic
Right: Stephen Schiffon Mel Gibson. oracle");
You might, ifyou were Vincent Canby, While my friend Pendlehury's French (3) Takis trademark heavy-handed lib-
think it to be Prince in a cosmic mode, vocabulary is limited, it seems twice its
but its really Danny Fifman who scored eral-bashing (shah, yea; Papandreou,
actual size owing to his habit of repeating nay - plus choice Taki sarcasm built
che movie (Prince did the songs). Memo each phrase, particularly when hes agi-
to Canby: We can't stand 2 see U embar-
around such phrases as "the outraged
tated - as in les billets. ¡es billets" or "t'ite. liberals," "of the liberal persuasion," "like
rass yourself- time 4 U 2 pull out your tite." No such padding is required for true liberals" and "naive bleeding
copy of Dirty i%lind and get reacquainted Neu' York Post movie critic Jami Bernard,
with His Royal Badness nou'. hearts');
whose facility with Italian was celebrated (4) classic Taki snoblesse oblige (1
(For more on Batian cnt, see page in this column two months ago. This
'(. spent my honeymoon on the [185-foot,
time Bernard has added that certain el/e
three-masted schooner) Creole, and I
Another critic who slipped up briefly ne sait quoi to two otherwise perfectly must admit it was very hard to sail on any
last summer was the Voices Georgia good rev jews. Four Adventures of Reinette
Brown. "Now, she wrote, John J. O'Con. boat after tha(- precisely why i gave up
and i\4irabelle is an "Eric Rohmer baga. getting invited to sail the Mediterranean
nor-like, in her review of Indiana Jones telle," in which one ofthe characters, who on schooners); and
ana' the Last (Jrnsade, "comes Irish actress is "studying something tres chic," does not (5) one bad grammatical error Che in-
Alison Doody in her first screen role." teach her cousin "the ins and outs of the vited my wife and 1").
Well, it u'as Doodys first screen role if ?netro or anything like that." And Wayne
you discount her featured appearances Wang's hat a Bou'/ of' Tea takes place "in a Finall) hard-liner John Simon, who al-
in i% View to a Kill, A Prayerftr the Dying stir-fry of Chinese and American cul- most never makes grammatical or factual
and Taffin. tures.' Can't wait to hear what Bernard errors, has apparently started serializing
Now two lovestruck writers. David has to say about the next Fellini anti- his autobiography. Look for it under the
Edelstein, a fine if easily smitten critic, pasto, or perhaps a disappointing Berg- heading Theater in Neu' rk/Ce maga-
continues his valiant struggle for control man comeback smorgasbord, or an un- is Simon reviewing V.p z'
Line. l-lere
over his hormones. "The corners of his discovered Fassbinder gem of a wurst. Unde; a play about an underdog rugby
mouth dribble gross white viscous froth When all the pans (not the stir-frying team: "When I was playing rugby at the
resembling. . . never mind," he wrote, kind) were finally in, just who was the Leys School, Cambridge. I never heard of
maturely, o the dog in Thrner and Hooch. main offender- the offinder di tutti offi'nd-
a miniaturized version ofthis thirteen-a.
And in ex. lies. and z.'ideotape. one ers, as Bernard might put it - in Joseph team game with only seven players and
character "always looks as if hes just Papps star-riddled production of 'Twelfth ten minutes a half. At Harvard. I made
finished masturbating or is about to Night (formerly by William Shakespeare) the rugby team immediately ......
start.' More encouragingly, although he in Central Park last summer? Next issue: Simon, while reviling a
was clearly taken by Caroline Milmoe in production of MacMb, is reminded of
The i%lagic 'làyshop-he described her as "The worst offender is Jeff Goldblum." the A + he got in third grade for a story
beginning to exude that young-woman -Clive Barnes, the Neu' 'thrk Post he wrote about some witches. )
O(TO8IR I9R9SPY II
-I- I-I lican-come-lately opportu nist. Indeed, After flunking the test, he joineciJ. Edgar
while William was fighting for his politi- Hoover's FBI in 1964 as a special agent.
cal life in Washington last summer, mak- Until that time there had been five blacks
¡ng floundering GOP sounds before among the 5,500 FBI agentstwo of
Congress, Father Lucas was loudly de- whom acted as Hoover's office footmen,
fending the teenagers who were accused while another served the director as a
of raping a jogger in Central Park. dog walker and occasional cook. As a
Two ideologically opposed brothers special agent from 1964 to 1968 in
sprung to political prominence from the Detroit, Lucaswhom Bush wanted to
FIG11TIN' same Harlem household - the uncanny
thing is that Norman Lear has not yet op-
manage all federal civil-rights enforce-
mentwas perfectly situated to get the
I_ IJ tioned the Lucases story. Indeed, like a scoop on the civil-rights movement.
made-forTV ofAnge/s with Dirty During these years the bureau devoted
Faces (thejimmy Cagney movie in which its resources to developing the "Ghetto
Onec a Reaganaut. the other one childhood pal grows up to be a gang- Informant Program" and producing a
ster and the other a priest), the Lucases greatest-hits tape of sexual sounds boot-
hates the system - but they love have matured to become each other's legged from Martin Luther King Jr's
theoretical political nemesis. But in this room in Washington's Willard Hotel.
each other like brothers version, it is difficult to decide which Meanwhile, back in Harlem, Father
brother to cast as the neer-do-well: with Lawrence Lucas was forging a liberation
one embracing Lee Atwater and the other theology from his pulpit at the Church
B Y J O H P4 I R O D I L
Louis Farrakhan, the question of egre- of the Resurrection, where he became
giousness is clearly relative. pastor in 1969. Among his first acts as
Earlier this year, Attorney General Rich- True to script, Father Lawrence Lucas parish priest were painting the statue of
ard Thornburgh recommended to Presi- entered the world in the back of a Har- J esus near the altar brown and estab-
dent George Bush that William Lucas, a 1cm taxicab in 1933. His brother William lishing a working relationship with the
Detroit lawyer and former was five at the time. They were raised Black Panthers (which probably earned
FBI agent, be nominated together by immigrant parents from the him a file in his brother's agency). In
to serve as assistant at- 1970 Random House published his ac-
torney general in charge count of race relations within Catholi-
of thejustice Department's cism, Black Priest/White Church, which
Civil Rights Division. Bush agreed. At expressed views he described as "a
the time, the nomination seemed polit- discomfort to many." By this time,
ically elegant: Lucas, who is black but Lawrence Lucas had begun to acquire the
is opposed to affirmative-action quotas, four handguns that later won him the
would be regarded as a strong man by the description "pistol-packing priest" from
right yet be acceptable to the left because the tabloids,
of his race. All that remained was a pro His pistol-packing brother left the
forma Senate confirmation hearing. Un- FBI in 1968 and became Wayne County
fortunately, a week before the president's (Detroit) sheriff, a job he held for 13
official endorsement the Detroit chapter years. William Lucas oversaw a depart'
ofthe NAACP (a chapter Lucas was sup- ment that used fire hoses on prisoners and
posedly active in) condemned the can- /(A6O confined them in a feculenc holding area
didate and issued this succinct state- known as the Hole. "He didn't control the
ment: "At the Justice Department, he system," explains one Lucas apologist
would be a nonleader.' Quickly, Thorn- (correct: he controlled the department).
burgh's Stealth nominee tripped the In 1982 Lucas, a lifelong Democrat,
radar of the organized left across the West Indies, devoted Roman Catholics was elected Wayne County executive.
country, and the man Ronald Reagan had who died when the boys were still young. Nevertheless, in July 1984 Ronald
dubbed Cool Hand Luke found himself Separated, they were raised by different Reagan asked Lucas to accompany him
undergoing a confirmation hearing more relatives. to a campaign stop in Michigan. During
contentious than any sincejohn Tower's - In 1962 William graduated from Ford- the ensuing months George Bush, then
and one with the same end result. ham Law School. which he attended vice president, met with him four times.
William, however, isn't the only Lucas nights while working as a New York City Neither Bush nor Reagan seemed con-
attracted to high-pitched publicity: his cop. He was recruited by then Attorney cerned that seven years earlier Lucas
brother, Father Lawrence Lucas of the General Robert Kennedy (who was seek- had withdrawn his name from Jimmy
Resurrection Roman Catholic Church in ing to integrate the Justice Department) Carter's short list of potential FBI direc-
Harlem, is as committed a shoot-from- and hired on the contingency that he pass tors because it was revealed that he had
the-hip radical as his brother is a Repub- the D.C. bar within nine months. accepted a free junket to Las Vegas from
II6SPYOCFOBFR 1989
an tndicted gambler.
1n months after Lucas met Reagan.
he switched parties, in one stroke becom-
ing the highest-ranking elected black
Rrpuhlican in the country. As a Demo-
crat he would have been way down the
list as a candidate for the Michigan
statehouse. When asked upon his con-
version about a run for governor, Lucas
told reporters, "Ir would be presump-
tuous of me to believe as a new member
I could step to the front of the line and
seek that office." Needless to say, Lucas
ran for governor as a Republican and got
whipped in the 1986 general election.
Lawrence Lucas's aspirations have re-
mained both more ambitious and more
circumscribed: he has run for no politi-
cal otilLe. but he would still like to demo!-
ish the present political and economic
system by whatever means necessary. In
an interview with spy, he was quick to
punt eut that carrying firearms is per-
fectly in keeping with the Catholic doc-
trine of self-defense. "If you must injure,
you must do only that injury required in
order to save your life. . . . hit is necessary
under those circumstances to rake a life, MB Soch Whkky. Rkided nd butId n ScotIind by Justerit,i & Riooks. twie wine and spirit sii.rchans since 1449
then OU are morally justified in so do- k. st-nd a gill ol J&B jnywhert iii the liS.. taU 1-St1O-52l4-14 Void where pr(IlIibUI'd
;O9 1 AP/Wid. World pIoe); Ro Qokflo (Goj very mood would apparently suffer vio-
P0g. 24: H Arnni?ong Roberts.
Peg. 34: R.ck Frreobsor,/B$ock Stor (ßrowrrj; BelgIro/GokIo. Lid.
lent swings in the course ola single meet-
(Sawyer); Ste'rert H.I (Gartner)
Pog. 33r UPt/Blrrane Neotpobs )GoJ.
ins with colleagues: he was furious one
Page 36 Joait E D Mtrplty blboo'dI. moment and on the verge ofweeping the
TIME
Page 38: bocel J. non Akere cat)
Page 40: H Attnittong RQbrti (boss); Ron Go)elIo (l-lomoe)
Page 42: Sineal/Golello Ltd. )ßornor.), P$totoieu (Gocev); Rort
next. At the many such meetings, long
GC).LiO KinJ; Pictorial Paode Cboics. Raye); APIWdo Wodd
Hqq); non/LG1 Smith) Pein)ied Films bottom coIerdor)
and bitter discussions ensued about the
Page 44: Srneol/GoleRo. 1td (t4utt), AP/Wide Wodd (Skorpiorr). Ron
..'
He!msley); Tommi.Airoya/Golelto, Lid. )Botr)
fact that, among other minor merger-
Page 46: Soro Borreit Mochei).
Page 48: F,,d.r.c Lewis Stock toios (Chinete icen.)
related problems, the company would
Page 53: Ewog GaUoaay chd); UPI/Brtmonn Neasphoros IB))
Page 54: UPI/B.rtrncnn Newsphoro Reogon).
While Time WarneÑ generals suddenly cease being profitable and
Page 56: AP/WideWotid tuoi).
Paga 58: Courtesy The N*ro York Tu,nei
would turn no profit in the foreseeable
Pager 60-61: Lacaben cowtssy York Bocbers1op.
Page 62: Andrew Na)br000fB)ock Sro (hCOd.
rhapsodize about the takeover the futureand therefore would be unlikely
Page 63: ucy 1iJoi. courtesy The Homihon CoTectuon. portrait on
F .yJu'n KlutZ, 1989CB5. Inc ; Paul F. Garo/Sygmo Wright)
to continue its policy of awarding profit'
Page Mi lJPt/Beemarrn Newsphoiot (?Mkon)
Page 65: lynn Goidsmüh/IG (Puscopo). APfWcie Wod (Dukokir).
cheerleading can't convince the troops sharing sums to its employees, which can
Gabel by Muchoel WokefieTci. cnert.y MY COMRADE/SISTER'
989
amount to at least 10 percent of a Time
Page 66: Ron Goleo (Worho)). R. Coik.ry/IGI (1h. Who). H.
Inc. employee's annual pay. When editor
A'r"ikong Roberts (acolar)
Poe. 67: Derek Hudson/QuIlo. (Koch); Ron Goio )Alpart(. API
BY MACAULAY CONNOR in chiefJason McManus was asked about
Wude World (Tower)
Page 68: Ron Golello (Jackie O)
Pog. 69 Ron Wa8son/IGI (Borrynrore( H Ñrnitrony Robent
this early last summer, he hemmed and
)sreob)
Page 70n AP/Wude Wcuid (Lowe). Edda Adorni/Sygmo (Grnnbe.
If ever a t.rord confused the wage apes hawed and pawed the floor a bit before
Don, A Sporlus/The acoge Bank )gxoy con),
Pg9. 7; AP/Wide World (obres)
who stalk the corridors ofTime Warner, finally confessing, 'Well, gosh we really
Pag. 72: New York Dody N.sci (debi)
Page 73: ABC News )B)och smuul000n): Cocon AboRolo ¡Gamma.
the giant cable-TV and movie concern, hadn't given that any thought. I'm kind of
LuOuucun Esnem)
Page 74: Ron GOIeUO )Rother). Be)hglio/GoleJ$o. Ltd (Oon.ne jr.). L
the one SC) regularly unprepared to commit to anything on
Phoaokst Polars). Macina Gainier (Rosenthal).
Page 75: Priedmon-Abeles NYC )Cuumn(. Richard Cbesit (tarn hl Nl RY.,bandied about during the
'r
that right now"
page). B.cmlhgho/Gohtllo. Ltd. ).AJhn).
Pa9. 78: Horo)d Holme (Copare)
OF months leading up ro the
I N F O R M A T I O Pu
Pog. $0: : Benro Fruadmon )GoutsbII) C t-lorry Iongdomr (Grant);
WlIo,n Coupon (Choca); Thieny Chore) (m'rodei),
takeover of Warner Corn-
Page $1; C Jerry Rouir (Slmi.lds( i Joe Gmonl Blunt). s Ann..
Le,bonrz )McInarn.; i Toad G« ($ugotmon(. C MaRhow C
munications by Time Inc.
5ChwOtZ (Schwerrz(; r.) Thomas Viciar (Barredor. Beone); R) John ßcan
(L.boaciiz(: t) Andrew Douglas (Wgyns(; Th.erry Chontal (models)
The magic word, needless to say, S
Pog. $2z V Francisco Scowlo (P1cm. Truman); C Diano Wo&ar amount of wiShfUl, carefully
(Tyhr(. Joe Grant (McCIoy); t Do.ttniqu. Nobokon (Keilom(: C J.))
synergy. No hen Munro was making one of
D. Booy )Shuelds); V Mike Tighe (Worhol] t: macny Penn ( I 979) by
The Cordé Nos' Pubhcoons. ln (Copare); Czeslaac Coopinik.
crafted agitprop memorandums - at least
)Koiintlu) Thuørry Chomel (models).
Pog. 83: Ba))onnun. Ak °. courtesy )alrtof) Brenacng Carporoi.t
one written by Peter Quinn, who worked
arid tuke Uninarsity Lbcony. 4eHmon co.ttesy Blockybma X' Furs.
poila? phota by Bull King; Pon Am od carrt.iy Pan Am and DiAo
on Mario Cuomo's dramatic keynote his jacket-oft man-of-the-people
Ununersty blyory Cet) and Vondarblr courtesy Unaarsry o$ humais
Lubrary. Spbene courtesy M.ar Bmemmng Company. Chneusr courtesy
address at the 1984 Democratic Na-
Roles Word, U S A Inc.. Jonomilz courtesy Rug Tower. pimoro by H tional Convention was able to establish
RuAI llar
po9. 84: D Jim MoultON (Weiber); ç Bran J. Berman )Oo.s( Kobal
visits to the cafeteria, the assembly
Ccdectuon Ocies bady).
the precise working definition of synergy,
Po9. $5: t) Thomas Vniur Sunpico, Adiar); Photoleri (Simpson hair,
Macrut body) C Jerry Bauer )Ruushde. Marris(; Duck MiB.r/Siackphaios.
or how ir would apply to Time's once
Inc. )Rushd4 body); u;. JJI Kr.meniz fVortnegui(. G Jouai Ozuck (Ozuck(;
Tari Thai/Srygma (Kung); Morsi Toppe/Camera Press/Globe Pltaios
lustrous stable of magazines that in- quietly booed him
)Dociorow(; R) Bruon Ms (Collins)
Poge 92: M.cbael P Mctaughhn dudes Time, Sporti illustrated, People, For-
Pa9. 93: Jell Schultz )suoes) Third Eye Pltorogrophny (su'owy hut. bean
590). Schv!lz/S.pa )o.nialol Borrow)
tune, Money, Life and, of course, Cooking
Page 94: MacIra.) P Moughln.
Po9. 95: jell SchuRz (lop); Third Eye Phonography (hnelucoptom); Rich Light. At Munro and Brack's little get-to-
Fm,shmo,r sled nrctriew( Charlar tAnson (muddle ryht). RaI, Fmutl'momr/
PKtvqe Group (banom(
The journalists at Times Washington gether with the Washington bureau, it
Pa9. 96: ?thchoeh P Mclaughlin
pa9. 97: PhobIas' (Chummy). . 989 Nomonol Broadcasting
bureau were given an insight into what fell to one brave correspondent to ask the
Company, nc )Urley); Thud Eye Phonography (GummI
Po9. 9$ Machoe) P Mctoughiun
this exciting buzzword might nican to really tough question: "Are you making as
Pog. 99 Counterclockwise mom top rughr courtesy BUNTE. courlasy
The Idoho 5uoøsmon courtesy Mounuchu Neacipopers. courtesy Veo/
them, however, over lunch recently with much as the rest of the press says you're
Edruro Aba)
Pog. 102 N.gel D<kn
Dick Munro, Time Inc's pious, excitable making?" Although Munro and his co-
Po2. 104: Smeoh/Golela. lid (Macnell.). Anthony Songnano/
Gohtila. Ltd (ycxhr)
chairman, and teeny Reg Brack, the ferret- conspirator and putative successor, the
PO9. 105: Duncon Ph, saio courtesy Boscobel Roniararacn. Inc..
GormusononHudson N.Y 1g phcuio. shoes and socks courtesy Gaac. eyed magazine-division head. Fielding a height-enhancing-shoe-wearer Nick Nicho-
Rosa Hartmann (Purtnon); 1h, Museum of Madero Art Gil! cl the
manu)oclnjrer (Von der Rohe chair) Rollen Peorcy/Anumols Animals
question from a bureau member regard- las, Time Inc,'s president, will come out
u4nupper). Marino Gamnim (S.olodino(
Page 107: Morr'o Garn.er oRoyner) Jim Mchfagh/PEOPIE Weebly
ing what this blather meant, Brack testily $52 million ahead because of the take-
989. The lure Inc Mogozirue Company )Fmnonder(
Po9. T0$: Soro Borren.
made clear the company's intentions. "By over, Munro boldly said before a roomful
Page 109 Moruna Gommer
Page 1 lOi Courtesy Miuo Buono,
this time next year," he raged, "there will of people whose pay and job-security
Page 11 1: Peter Vitale.
Page 1 12: Rouanne town
be IO million Bat,nan videocassettes out prospects have not exactly been improved
Page 1 26: Falruch McMuIIan )Heorsr. M.Ies(: Ron GaI.Iks (Trump.
.'Amaro). L)y lone (Smith); Rosa Honimnon (tard. Enimekin. Jononcta), all
there. And each and every one of them by the merger, "Money has never mat-
oihers. M Uoydf ou..
po9. i 27: Anthony Sasngnoro/GoIsKa. lid (B Trump) Ron Golilla
have a subscription coupon for Enter-
nill tered to me. I make more than I need."
(Buckley); al others. M Iloy3fouse tainment Weekly stuffed inside. Nov that's That's not to say Dick Munro can't he
I do. He's a real softy and just doesn't fire over of Warner, it became apparent that A/Idasiifiedorderi mia! be :ypedandprepaid. To order
by phone, call (212) 633.6550. To determine the
people. Besides," Munro continued, "he nobody on the 34th floor reads business
number o/linei in your ad, coon: each letter, ¡pace and
looks after talent, and you really have to magazines, least ofall the ones they pub- punttaa:ion mark, anddigìide by 50. Pleate include yoter
coddle talent." In other words: No. Warners lish. One editor asked, reasonably, what daytime telephone number and address on all cor-
ui/i not be cutting back. Ross will continue management would do if, in a year, the respondence, and tend to sPy. 5 Union Square West,
(o airlift his laundry and Steven Spiel- Time Warner stock price didn't equal New York, N.Y. ¡0003.
bergs dog out to East Hampton, because what it would have been under the Para- CLASSiFIED ADS: $30 per line; $25 per line for
two or more consecutive months.
Warner deals with talent, as opposed to mount offer. 'By then it will be a dead
PERSONALS: $25 per line; limited abbreviations
the expendable editors and writers who issue" was the matter-of-fact answer, accepted. Add $15 for sP box number. Mail will
helped make Time Inc. one of che most demonstrating a cynical disregard not be forwarded for eight weeks following publication.
respected magazine empires in the world. only for the interests of the shareholders CLASSIFIED DISPLAY: $200 per column inch;
Now, to get closer to his buddy Steve, but also for how the business press would $180 for two or more consecutive months.
Munro and the friendless Nicholas had cover the story a year hence. (The "Year BOOK DISCUSSION GROUP
decorators and workmen fashioning new After the Merger" story, with much atten- LITERATE? TALKATIVE)oin othcrs Iíkc yourself in a
new Manh. book 5roup. Pick. read & disuss works you en.
oflice space for themselves even before tion devoted to the stock price, is a basic Joy Call Rich 1 496-0068 loe information,
they had been given the final go-ahead business-journalism standby.) Soon after PROFESSIONAL SINGLES
for the takeover. Not in those cold. the merger was consummated, McManus CONVERSATIONS BY CANDLELIGHT. Dine graciously
cruddy Sixth Avenue oflices of the Time seemed to go out of his way to look like ich cultured professionals. $65. (201) 567-2082 or 6308.
& Life Building, mind you, but on the a play-ball, executive: Kath- FOOD
superexccutive floors of Warner's much erinc Bonniwell, the publisher of Lije. Peanut Butter Lovers! Crazy Richards is WORLDS BEST
PEANUT BUTtER. Order today: I-800322-YUMM.
tonier offices at 15 Rockefeller Plaza, asked him to sack Pat Ryan, the manag- HOT ec SPICY GOURMET EXTRAORDINAIRES
where they would be closer to Steve - ing editor of Life (and a 28-year Time for hot food fanatics . . st last! Free catalogue.
.
sensible merger, not a pointlessly cxpen- moon between Nicholas and his coequal- ART
sise acquisition, Munro assured Time Inc. to-be Ross is probably over already, and LICHTENSTEIN PRINTOffering signed 30" x 40' Roy
employees rh at theirjobs were not in danger: there has been considerable posrtakeover Lichtenstein print. 1983 Apple Series. framed, No. 30 of
60. Published in London by Petersburgh Press for Castelli
:bey u'ere the ?nost valuable part oJ' Time Inc.; talk of McManus stepping down and be- Graphks. $5,000. Reply SPY Box #3.
he could see the pain in their eyes when he ing replaced by 'l'irne managing editor
ate lunch in the employee cafeteria. Weeks I-lenry Muller.
D A N i S H
later, when Munro was naking one of his Bets are being hedged all over the s o u p E R B A
-'The ultimate In relaxed panacbe"
acket-otF, man-of-the-people visits to the place - indeed, it's virtually corporate - ESQUIRE
cafeteria, the assembly quietly booed policy. Weeks before De[aware Supreme Our practical DaÑSh Wnpofl features sia nifty
him. Around the same time, a directive Court chancellor William Allen ruled in pockets. expandable sides. sturdy straps: wears hin cold-rolled
steel: hauls everything sensibly; wil organize your life. Perfect
reassured employees that although man- Time's favor on the takeover, well-placed carry-on flight bag. practical gilt. In squashy grey. black. brown.
red. bkse. turquoise waterproof canvas. $75 lass $3.50 stpping.
agement did nor foresee any layofl, it officials of che company seemed almost Send for brochure.
ThE CHOUTE SOUP
had decided to sweeten the company's uncannily certain that the deal was 946 Madison Avenue. New York city 10021 (212) 861-2210
severance policy. A follow-up memo to theirs. What was not made widely known
Time journalists asked ominously, "Is a to anyone but Paramount's attorneys was
system designed several decades ago still that Allen used to be a partner at Morris,
appropriate for the 1990's? Is there a Nichols, Arscht & Tunnel!. And Morris,
snore effective way to get things done?' Nichols, Arscht & Tunnell just happens
If the editors and writers at Time to be the firm that represented Time in
Inc. were looking for help from above, the proceedings. So that what they mean
they appeared to be out of luck. Jason by synergy.)
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I I , I I , I ! J I I I J t I I I I I I
three years before Apple chairman John Rukeyser's viewers get stale advice. Fos-
Sculley engineered his purge. back tracked 200 predictions made on
More useful to dumb money-ists are Wall Street Week and concluded that one
cover stories dealing with interest rates can make money betting against the rec-
or the future of a particular industry. ommended stocks. Just call Wall Street
Such stories will signal the practiced dumb- Week two weeks before a given show and
money watcher to heed the trend in the ask for the names of the analysts sched-
short run - say, for one to three months - uled to appear. Then call the analysts'
and then to reverse course. In March 1982, firms, find out what stocks they've been
for example, as three-month T-bill rates hit recommending to their clients (and will
Th 12.5 percent, Time ran a cover story on IN-
TEREST RATE ANGUISH. Over the next
soon recommend on TV) and buy them.
Then, two weeks after the show airs, you
month, three-month T-but rates rose to sell. The touted stocks. claims Fosback,
13.5 percent and then began to fall drama- rise gradually during the two weeks that
On Wa//Street. u'/) tically. By August, five months after the precede their mention on the show, and
cover story, interest on three-month Tbills surge on the following Monday as view-
knowing uho doesn't know had sunk to 8.4 percent, prompting ers across America rush to act on tips
Newsweek to run its own cover story on they heard Friday night. The stocks then
beats knowing u'ho knows August 30, 1982. This would have sig- fall an average of 3.2 percent over the
naled the dumb money-ist that interest rates next six weeks.
would, in fact, go up, and, sure cnough, Rukeyser, a dispassionate observer of
BY WILLIAM SMITH after a month passed and rates dribbled these findings, disagrees. "We're talking
down to 7.7 percent, a rebound occurred, about a ridiculously bad study, full of ba-
AND EDDIE STIRN and interest rates returned to double digits loney," we were told by the man who
before the year was out. wrote Playboy's "Women of Wall Street"
Wall Street investors are always looking for Mere coincidence, you think? The Oc- feature. "The only reason [Fosback) did it
new ways to predict the ebb and flow of tober 1987 crash inspired dark, desperate is because he wasn't invited on the show,"
financial markets. They collect tips, sub- cover stories in both Time and US. News & Rukeyser, however, corroborated our
scribe to abstruse news- World Report. Dumb money-ists who research on another dumb-money bell-
4HI letters and follow any ola bought shares a month after the crash in wether, Barron's editor and columnist
R number of seers who em- Alan Abelson, saying he had been "much
ploy complex mathemati- too bearish lately." Well, so he has. We
cal models. But one of the tracked Abelson's record for a 30-month
most effective approaches is the theory of period and found him to be usefully un-
dumb money: the idea ofstudying where prescient. Abelson missed four ofthe six
Wall Street's dopes advise you to put your major stock-market surges that occurred
money, and then doing the opposite. betweenJanuary 1987 and May 1989
Perhaps the most reliable tools for such yet was not bearish enough to call the
antiprognostication are Time, Neu'sweek crash, Indeed, his predictions throughout
and US. News & World Report. The theory 1987 explain why he is such a favorite of
holds that popular opinion ¡s a solid in- dumb money-ists. FromJanuary to March
dicator ofwhat not to do. Accordi ng to Wall 1987, Abelson was bearish as the market
Street analyst Paul Macrae Montgomery, rose over 400 points. On March 23 he
there are few better expressions of conven- turned bullish, just as the market dropped
tional wisdom than the cover stories of the 98 points over the following month. Evi-
newsweeklies. dently chastened by that downturn, he
Montgomery has researched Time covers became bearish in May, just as the mar-
back to the 1920s. He has found that ket began its climb to its precrash high of
whenever an executive or financial trend is 2,722 in August. By that point, Abelson
famous or obvious enough to warrant a any ofthe so-called Index Funds that rise had again turned bullish, even jesting in
cover story, its days are dwindling. For an and fall with the DowJones Industrial July that the market might crack 5,000.
executive, a cover indicates that his Average would have made 36 percent on He remained bullish into the fall, even
downfall is two to three years off. Ivar their investment by last May. after the wild selling that preceded Black
Kreuger who once controlled three-quarters Dumb money-ists are also fond of Wi/I Monday, which prompted him to hypoth-
of the world's match trade, made Timis Street Week, the PBS series hosted by esize cheerfully that he "may have seen
cover the day before the 1929 crash. Two Louis Rukeyser that features stock tips the worst" and was "encouraged" by the
years later, he was a suicide. A more recent from big-time brokers and analysts. Ac- economic climate of the day. Those un-
victim ofthe cover-boy curse was Steve cording to Norman Fosback, president characteristically sunny words appeared
J obs, who appeared on Timés cover about ofthe Institute for Econometric Research, on October 19, the day of the crash. i
industry. I give it my extra books. although i 23. We hear "Polly" and "tick:'
could get money for them at the Strand. When 28. Tinseled is gaudy; tin is a metal and
i give a sidewalk biblioz'endor a big bag of &/sel rearranged ('smashed") is seled. Have
blurb-begging bound galleys in return for. .cay. you ever tried to write a quatrain in which
an ext,-a copy or two of SPY or a nice first- each line had a word that used the same
i have always fascinated by the idea of
been edition lurid-coz.'erea' paperback of All che letters in a different order? For instance:
Noahs ark - gnus. sheep. penguins and arma- Kings Men or a mystery entitled Dead Men
di/los all milling aroirndtogether discussing the Don't Give Seminars, which i intend to give Shun vainglory. Don't enlist.
weatber The entire gamut of natterai coerples one ofiil)' academicfriends for (Jhri5tmas. that Medals are but tinsel.
boundhapless/y by a single goal. A #nity of ex- vendor tends io show spontaneous gratitude. Sail calm inlets. Dont insist,
perience there. skrely. ofa sort. The uildebeests Not that i deserve more gratitude than I get or Listen. Be prehensile.
panic: IX'ull never get offof this boat! Never.' anything, but: you take it where you find it.
Will never. - - yaaaaargh. But the so/idonei - Which leads nie back. at last. to the ¡nain But would that work ifyou went through
not necessarily the ones you d expect - pull question i u.ouldlike to leave you with this har- life like that all the time? Being receptive
together: the gnats. the tortoises. How long did vest-season month: Were the animals that were rather than pushy? Oh, well. it's just word
the voyage last? Forty days? You know there chosen to be on the ark grateful? Or didtbey just games here. we don't answer searing moral
was some slipping around, which is ho u ut got sort ofsuank around saying. "We're survivors 2 questions. We feel that just raising them
the platypus. for instance. Ana'didihey all edge hungrily - some out of is enough.
So i thought I would throw together a lot of shee, appetite. some for reasons of self-
animals in this puzzle and see what came up. abasement - toward the earthworm couple?
DOWN
Not z'ery much. A neu u'ord. for what it is Was the earthu.'orm couple a single n'orni?
worth. at ¡6 Down, but no new life-forms. 1m What did the ark animals eat? The carni ¡'o- 2. Olafis the Norwegian, "climbing makes
afraid. The beefalo is no breakthrough. In fact, roui ones. - R. B. him backward in a down clue.
for au i know the beefalo may be extinct: its 3. Rot, a, G!. "climbing,' th all over.
been years since lve seen any refirence. in an in-
ACROSS 8. "Putting a handle on" is the definition,
flight neu.'smagaziPze. to that hybrid meal- :\'am plus gin rearranged ("spritzer"). I
source for which so many had such hopes. I 4. An uncut horse is one that has not been shouldn't be doing this. I should be writ
have never eaten any beefalo ,,,yself u'ouldù gelded. (A horse is by definition male: Ing a major novel.
ft el right about it. because I doubt I have females are m-ares. Don't complain to me 9, Nessie is the Loch Ness monster. A shot
enough Indian blood in me to deserve to eat about this. its just the way the language is i s a picw'e.
anything thatc three-eighths bison. set up.) Geldings get along with mares 6. Unfashionable is out, a wisecracker is
i am not going to eat worms, eithe,: self- much better than stallions do. I am just a wit and a tee is a tiny platform. A person
pitying as I happen to feel at the moment for saying that. I am not taking sides. But who is outwitted is a gull.
reasons ofa personal ?zature 'es. crossword peo- sometimes when you step back from the 19. The Roman numeral ¡i represents a
pie havepersonal natures) involving ajèu; care- whole thing, you wonder: did nature mean grand. A kind is an ilk.
less (and. yes. cross) words. for intercourse and companionship to 22. UPS over hot ("sexy").
On that ark. 1011 bet, the animals mixed at mix) Hey, listen, I hope the answer is yes.
fi rit uarily. but then they began to make con- dont need any more explanations. surely
'kille
tacts. A dove had something to say to a casio- LAT3AT Usi AI'L :i- 'ku are a lover of language for its own weird
zcar an otter to a pangolin. One u'ants to believe 11J1H
kEEPLOOSE
EINIA
OTEM
sake, or you would not have conic this far And
that: that one creature can relate to another ¡f
the right language can somehow be found. II_I ulEli
TEARGAS 'SP IRI
E
N
don't you find it fascinating that in the dic.
tionary a shrimp and a shrew are pictured on
This puzzle is dedicated to that proposition. the sanie page and they are just being cool. not
!:I.!:.IAII S IJIG
Andiffinding the right language this month
BouI EATWbRMSI looking at each other cz-en though (on the one
does noi induce the ¡esualfrisson. well, hey.
Listen. Thispuzzle, this month. hai done its
Tillo
IMPRO!
E
R
111k
"1ASTE
hand) a shrew might snap up a shrimp and (on
the other hand) you'd think the two of theni
level best to get down to a ra w animal level -
we do have here. after all, a horse. a t-ai, a
IIIIj
OLI'IC
B wiciN
'JNICORN
might have sonic things to say to each other
about the sharedexperience ofbeing small? And
monkey. an alligator a mythical beast and so s K E T N T U E you wonder: is it all/usi language? Wouldshrew
on. What more a, you want for your . . . u'hat- 1IUIMIAIN 'J N N A TIUIRÍAIL andshrimp hang out together at all ¡fit weren't
ever this magazine costs. J n sure it doesnt cost 2_ -- i!IY
L E E E fin- the dictionary? Or maybe you don't u'onder
any more than itr worth. I get afree copy And rIIINISEILIE j ERIDIED this. I%la;.be we have nothing in common. )
TRD, Inc.
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Tori. Tori. Tori: Aaron Spelling - the man CALL FOR A FREE BROCHURE
who once likened the television business
to Death ofa Salesman by saying, "We are 1-800-USA SWEEP
all Willy Lomans in this
* business. We make our ion of a lovingly burnished turd, with movie client roster is not made up en-
!- RY trips to the networks and
tell them an idea, and they
$10,000 a night in gambling funds when-
ever they go to Las Vegas, his gift ofa Rolls
tirely of irrelevant oldsters, Solters has
been bandying about the names outs re-
either buy it or turn it would simply have been the sign of a cent (and young) conquests, such as Urna
down" has recently been exhibiting be- man who knows how to treat all his girls Thurman and Tim Robbins. (The only
havior typical of an altogether different righu. William Morris movie star who is big
type of family drama, one more in keep- Image h Everything: If yoq were Nor- and young is Tom Hanks.) Solters also
ing with the glamorous sop he himself man Brokaw, chiefexecutive ofthe sleepy has been dutifully repeating the wishful
produces. It seems that Spelling is a old William Morris Agency, how would company mantra that it is still the pre-
father with a heart so big that he has set you have reacted to the awed, loving pro- eminent agency in television.
aside a handsome portion ofthe eighteen file of Mike "the Manipulator" Ovitz in And, Finall the AA News: Rn "Agent
acres that his 65,000-square-foot Holmby The New York Times Magazine last sum- Meyer" Meyer has been caught once
Hills house spreads across for his mer? Would you have (a) offered Mike again exercising his inviolable agent's
daughter, Tori, so that when she grows up his old job back; (b) convened a meeting rights. It seems that CAA seduced Jane
her heart, body and furniture will always ofall major William Morris agents to get Seymour, the pouty miniseries queen,
belong to daddy. them working together toward making over to the agency by promising the re-
Generous to a fault, Spelling has also the firm a force in movies once again; (c) spect-starved actress she would somehow
taken to shoehorning Tori's name into forgotten everything else and called your get feature-film parts. However, when a
various production contracts that land public-relations firm? producer called Jane to discuss her pos-
on his desk. Furthermore, as if oblivious The answer, of course, is (c). Brokaw, sibly acting in an upcoming feature with-
to the fact that this is the first time in 25 now surrounded by the hum of decora- out first having consulted Meyer, the
years that he has no series on the air tors and workmen who are busy pulling banty Warren Beatty impersonator tele.
and to the layoffs in his company up the old, mildewed carpets in the agen- phoned the producer and berated him
Spelling recently had to be talked out of cy's chronically dark Los Angeles offices, mightily. Not for violating Hollywood
giving the young actress a Rolls-Royce apparently feels that the firm would ben- protocol, not for his lack of respect. No,
for her sixteenth birthday. Yes, a seem- efit from an enhanced stature on the East Meyer apparently (and somewhat mex-
¡ng extravagancebut then again, giv- Coast. It falls to Lee "That's M, Sinatra to plicably) upbraided him for forgetting
en that Spelling furnishes his wife, Candy, you" Solters to make it all happen. thatJane Seymour is a miniseries star.
a Los Angeles beauty with the complex- To illustrate that the Morris agency's See you Monday night at Mortons.)
OCTOBER 1989SPY 123
en to be the main beneficiaries. Im talk. indicate the LED numbers and unspool-
ing about a virtual parallel universe of ¡ng Rocky Mountain trace on the fetal
stand-up comediennes breathing (via the monitor. and declaim in pedantic irrele-
Lamaze technique) new life into old vance on the difference between digital
material. "My midwife is so fat, when she and analog forms ofdata processing. Or
sits around the birthing suite. she sits he may eat his stupid roast beef sand-
around the birthing suite!" wich and hope for the best.
Speaking of which. I've just flown in As for the actual birth, during which a
from about 16 hours of sitting around baby emerges from one's wife's body
'v the birthing suite, and boy. is my wife clearl}ç such a thing is impossible. Con-
tired. Of the several surefire, can't-miss, ception. fine. Gestation, okay One's wife
tax-free ways to be a grown-up available walking around with a cantilevered med.
She told him she wanted to baie to modern man, childbirth is not one. icine-ball belly in defiance ofgravit) no
(Some that are: participating in armed problem. But I submit there's no way
his child. Now shove has corne to push combat, attending a parent's funeral, ex- such a creature, with a body the size oía
plaining daylight saving time to a three- decent leg oflamb and a head the dimen-
year-old.) Childbirth is, however, avail- sion of a softball, can traverse the "birth
BY ELLIS WEINER able to modern woman. and it is to being canal' wi 20. or 12, or even 2 hours
a grown-up as boot camp is to being a down the birth canal would be enough to
First, the news: Nathaniel "Worlds Cutest soldier. lt is arduous, not to say labor- make 15 years on the Erie Canal seem
Human" Weiner has a new sister intensive. You are subjected to astronomi- like a day at the beach,
Gillian "Epithet to Be Announced" Wei- cal doses ofwhat chirpy nurses euphemize Yet. someho the baby makes the trip.
ncr. She is. of course. ter- as discomfort.' lt can even be fraught Something comes out. You see hair, you
ow ribly naive; I don't want to with physical peril. All this, arid you see a n ea r, a ud you th i n k , ¿M; God. thaïs
B E say she was born yesterday, don't kill anybody. bury anybody or end a head. What in human experience can
-
but, as ofthis writing, she be stranger than this? The alien bursting
was literally born yesterday. out ofJohn Hurt's stomach? The Snow
Mother, bab) father, brother, pediatri- WhiteRob Lowe opening of this year's
cian, nurse and obstetrician are all doing Oscars? Dan Quayle calling his Samoan
fine. Don't laugh. For an obstetrician to reception committee "happy campers'?
be doing anything these days, let alone
f sex is Nature uay After a few seconds, and absent old'
"fine," seems to be little short of miracu- fashioned and now obsolete slapping,
bus. As this magazine's younger, childless ofmaking humans u'anl to reproduce. she cries. A few minutes laterand her
or illiterate readers may not kno obste- brother did this, too; they all do; it's fas-
tricians are bailing out of the profession cinatingshe stops crying and looks
childbirth is Her way of titaking
like so many D. B. Cooperssomething around. It would take either the best or
about skyrocketing malpractice insur- the worst writer in America to approx-
ance rates, although for a wan OB (say sure they doni overdo il imate the contrast between where she
u'an oh-bee) the rates would probably best was in the womb and where she is now.
be described as skywalkering. The doctor does this and that, then hands
I haven't slept much. up, after a meticulous 15-minute ex Daddy (by now clad in stylishly rumpled
Not that I lack the mental lucidity to planation about "setting the clock" and surgical greens) an angled scissorslike
feel deeply ashamed ofthe blatant behind- "spring" and "fall" and "an hour," being device with which to cut the umbilical
handedness and unchicitude of our asked, "But what's daylight?" cord. With the thought Sorry. kid. but
whole "birthing experience. The hap- Ifsex is Nature's way ofmaking human there's no turning back :ìow, I do so. Have I
pening trend, after all, is to have baby beings want to reproduce their species, mentioned that its texture is like slightly
delivered by a midwife - a development childbirth is Her way of making sure overcooked calamari?
I consider a mixed blessing. Midwife is so they don't overdo it. Meanwhile, as mod- And then the face. Pardon my parental
much easier to say than obstetrician. Then em woman lies there grimacing and pride, but at that moment she looked
again, obstetrics sounds clean and techni- groaning at what. all accounts, is more very much like Deng Xiaoping. In but
cal. while rniduzfery is pronounced. against or less unimaginable pain, modern man two days, she has that creamy-sweet baby
all common sense, mid-WIFF-ery, and has several options. He may caress mod- look. By then she spends most of her
sounds like an intermediate juncture in em woman, coach her through some time sleeping, crying and nursing; when
the process of striking out. (Fooled by the gimmicked-up (and, improbably, effec- she opens her eyes and looks at you, it is
pitcher's oh-and-tu'o slider Hernandez deli:'- tive) breathing exercises the sole pur- like being granted an audience with the
cred himself of a colorful midwifery oath.) pose ofwhich is to distract her from the pope. You are in The Presence. Laterby
Then there's the likely revitalization of worst agony of her life, and tell her she's the time this sees the print that the
the (arguably already too revitalized) "doing great." He may, during the ten- reader sees - she will look even more like
stand-up comedy industry. Look for worn- tative calm between labor contractions, herself. Whoever that is. )
Crosswo rd Puzzle
ACROSS DOWN
1.
Spoiled Los Angeles 1. The name of the
child may help us place is I like it
conquer cancer. (3,3)
4. Uncut horse gets (4,4)
muscles backward. 2. Cow-bison combo
Leo. (8) puts bee on climbing
lo. Retain! Release!
Norwegian. (7)
Maintain flexibility! 3. Decadence: a
(4,5) soldier climbing
11. Carry monkeys all over big reptile.
head as emblem. (5) (9)
12. Drink right at 5. That oviparous
hilarious occasion, and rabbit, if you believe.
it causes weeping. (4,3) (3,6,5)
13. Snake found next 6. Slack off and allow
to Indiana, around to rise. (3,2)
Rhode Island, eases 7. Break in wrong
pain. (7) time around, right? (7)
14. Concerning a
match. (5)
15. Wigglers without
Rh factor devour
German cuy (3,5)
18. Devil-lassoer is out
ofline. (8)
20. Dislocated state of
1iUi
Nobody Loves Me, Everybody Hates Me. GRes.r l'II Go ¡5 Aetss
.u....R. iiui
UI......
o...... .......
8. Putting a handle on
place where we lost war
over gin spritzer. (6)
9. Nessie shot creature
feature. (7,7)
16. Unfashionable
wisecracker on tiny
platform becomes gull.
discernment. (5)
23. Parrot, bloodsucker.
we hear, are
U.... lU
i.... II......
(9)
17. Caged, Barbies
diplomatic. (7)
25. No cur in messy U lUllU! significant other
has need around 50.
II UIUU
(8)
mythological beast. (7)
26. Low droning sound
...... 19. Grand kind fellows
who bring what Bossy
precedes an animal
1IUUU gives. (7)
that murders. (5)
27. Forced against
U.U..... 21. Not exactly so
crude when scrubbed
Mothers laws. (9)
28. Gaudy metal Edsel
smashed. (8)
29. What cowboys did
to her Doctor of
Education. (6)
UUUUUU
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hard. (7)
22. Consequence of
oversexy delivery
service. (6)
24. Bound up in past,
The answerj to ¡he (J,,-Britijh Croisuord appear 071 page ¡22 perhaps. (5)
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THREE STOOGES Hats off to three of the special people who make New York
- 001.
'3siH City the crazy, mixed-up place we can't get enough of Donald "Stinky" Trump,
Liz "Leatherpuss" Smith and Alfonse "Home Sweet HUD" DAmato, each caught
here cutting up in the way they know drives their fans wild. You guys!
MjjS and
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Shije
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A HELLO, DOLUES!
Decathlon player-coach George
Back for their semi-
T' Plimpton (who surely engages in
annual appear- rounds and rounds of strenuous
DOG EAT DOG At failed ance in these pages, socializing only as research for his
kidnews entrepreneur ; ç
glowing at the
forthcoming best-seller, Paper
Chris Whittle's Loeb ; ,, Martha Graham gala ironman) generously offers Knute
Boathouse party for ( at the Metropolitan
Rocknestyle mid-party pep talks
girlfriend Priscilla Rat- Opera, are spy's (and to both 1989 lronman contender
tazzi's superimportant by now, surely, Morgan "Fairchild" Entrekin and
book of photographs of everne) favorite party 1989 MVP Tamajanowitz.
quasi-famous people and their dogs, quasi- couple, the flaxen-
famous goiddigger Susan Gutfreund forces her haired flesh-puppet
malleable pet to stand on hind legs like a Walter Stane and his
human child, while deposed art-world despot chronic date, the lovely
Tom Hoving goes tongue-to-tongue with his and watertight
dog. Whittle, meanwhile, fascinates one out Gertrude Swope.
of two female listeners with scm- r
tillating talk of his plans to enter
Tennessee politics.
,
humorist Emily
Prager.
OCTOBER 989SPY 12
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sidewalk s:rfers: When it gets dark in our New, Improved New York. skateboard over to 55th and Madison. Bring a feu. dollars. Look ftr
Larry. the window washe Ifher not at ground level, just tug on the ropes and he'll come down for you. When you get to the top - high aboz'e
¡Madison. high above all the gritty. cratered, overcrowded :Manhattan avenues youllfind that the air is clean (or cleanish, anyway) and the
granite is smooth as si/k and dry as a Santa Ana breeze. When the A7&T loop gets overcrowded. head downtown to the notorious Eldorado
Submarine Basin, 300 feet below Grand Central Terminal. Hereí what you do: There's this air vent with a loose grate near the Saloon door
in the Oyster Bar - you cant ni:ss it. When the maitre d' isn't looking, crawl into the vent. lie flat on your board and follow it down . .
Wall Street was shaken to its foundations today when rumors were
conti rrned that two of its oldest rivals had tentatively reached an agree-
ment to merge their vast industrial and service holdings.
Lawyers for Phineas Smith of Smith. Smith. Smith and Smith
and Zachary Jones of Jones World Corp. . delivered statenients over
breakfast at a press conference at the posh Manhattan Men's Club,
and later signed the merger agreement that no one on Wall Street
could have ever predicted.
Inside sources say the process began several months ago when
Jones secretly began buying Smith stock, amassing 21% of the issue,
and on July third. tendered an offer to buy the remaining Smith stock
at $12 over market quote in a hostile takeover bid.
What Jones insiders did not know at the time was that Smith had
also been secretly buying Jones stock through an unknown invest-
ment house. and the day after the Jones offer. Siiiith tendered a
counter offer to buy the remaining Jones stock at $13 over market
value.
The simultaneous takeover bids threw both companies into chaos.
each adopting dangerous poison pill tactics to stop the other from
gaining control. Smith was actually seen handing out cyanide to his
top management, instructing them to keep it hidden in the lapels of
their jackets at all times.
Meanwhile, the infamous Wall Street raiderC. hubert Bone began
moving behind the scenes, amassing a reported $6 billion warchest
aimed at taking over both Smith and Jones in their akened states.
The secret takeover move caught both Smith and Jones off guard.
leaving the two battered. old enemies only one option to avoid being
devoured by Bone: they had to bury the hatchet and merge their coin-
panics to survive.
/1 I
After five straight days of closed-door negotiations. Smith. Jones 2mpl
and their lawyers and accountants emerged with plans that effec. í4:/it,i;
"w'
jaw,
Ai '(I'(1
tively put both companies under one management team. lt was ag-
reed upon that Smith would act as CEO during odd years and Jones
would head up the new corporation during even years. The new cor-
i&uiztJkbrn'
porate headquarters will be in Terre Haute. Indiana, halfway be- 'j neak-?A14
tween New York City. where Smith is based, and DallasTexas. where u moJian
Jones is based. They still have not agreed upon a name for the ne
company. although they are rumored to be considering either Smith
4'COrM4Ø and Jones. Inc.. or Jones and Smith, Inc.
The fine points of the deal are not yet clear. but one source said 4inde1k nil 111
that Mr. Smith is offering to trade his Aircraft Division for Mr. Jones
stock holdings in Jones Industries Fast Food Division, all West Coasi fin f79
drilling rights currently owned his oil company. and two CEO'S PROOF
to be named later. Smith is said to be willing to consider the offei SWEDEN 1,0 11Th
ifJones would be willing to throw in a Midtown Manhattan business
complex. three Atlantic City Casinos and a minor league hockey
team.
)RTED
DISTRIBUTOR FOR TPI( OES
RSITD., TEANECKNJ
Jones agreed to talk it over with his mother, an octogenarian. whc
j
allegedly still makes most ofthe big decisions in the family\ finan.
cial empire.
C. Hubert Bone. left with $6 billion and nothing to buy, is siîc
to be considering a plan to finance a chain of dome-covered amuse
ment parks in Alaska and Canada. with plans to expand into Siberia
Mongolia and the sister cities of Minneapolis/St. Paul over the nexi
ten years.
PRODUCT OF SWE DEN. 4OAND DD% ALC1VOL (80 A\D PROOF). 100% GRA!N NEUTRAL SPIRITS.
s T989 CARILLON IMPO'1T(RS TD . TEANECK. NJ