Scene: 1 (THE RADIO DRAMA STARTS IN AN INTERROGATION ROOM WITH THE CRIMINAL BEING SAT DOWN.

THE INTERROGATOR WALKS IN) SOUND: MAN SLOWING OPENING CREAKING DOOR SOUND: BOOTS ON COLD FLOOR WALKING TOWARDS THE MICROPHONE SOUND: MAN PULLS OUT A CHAIR AND SITS DOWN THE INTERROGATOR Now I want to get a few things clear. You, being the smart kid that you are, know this is an interrogation. This means that you've committed a crime// THE CRIMINAL //'Allegedly' committed a crime... THE INTERROGATOR Oh yeah! Of course, of course. So I'm here to find out about this crime you 'allegedly' committed, but because you're keeping quiet about it, they hired me to get the truth out of you. THE CRIMINAL Ohh! Like in all those police movies and such! THE INTERROGATOR Exactly! You know the one. Reservoir Dogs style, cut off your ear. You get the picture right? THE CRIMINAL Or The Wire, that one's a good'en! THE INTERROGATOR Yeah, you get the picture. But in most other interrogations, it just sort of seems a bit... Messy. If you catch my drift, there's no real structure to it. There's no art to the system, it's all just improvising. So I like to do it with a few rules. If you can follow these rules, then it will be very easy. If you don't follow these rules, then I won't follow the rules either. And without rules, we have anarchy, a rat's nest of a situation. And let's be honest, neither of us want that. So you prepared to follow my rules? THE CRIMINAL Pfft, no. THE INTERROGATOR No? What do you mean 'no'? No one's ever said no before. THE CRIMINAL Well, it just seems a bit pedantic doesn't it? A bit cliche... You come in here with a structure and tell me to follow along, trying to creep me out with all this fancy talk. When really, you're just trying to be the 'one in charge'. I'm not gonna follow your rules. THE INTERROGATOR

Well tough luck. I've worked on these rules for a while so we're gonna do them. SOUND: SILENCE BETWEEN THEM FOR 00:00:02 SECONDS THE INTERROGATOR God sake, you've thrown me right off my game now. I was going to say the rules to you, you'd follow them, I'd slap you about for a bit, it was going to be good... THE CRIMINAL Well the part about the rules actually made sense. I only really said no to see how you'd react to it. And you were pretty weak. So now we really know who's in charge of the situation. It's me. And because I'm in charge, I'm going to let you say your rules. So you can carry on pretending you're in charge, but as we both know, I am. We got that? SOUND: SILENCE BETWEEN THEM FOR 00:00:04 SOUND: THE INTERROGATOR COUGHS TO CLEAR HIS THROAT THE INTERROGATOR My first rule. No swearing.// THE CRIMINAL Fuck off! SOUND: THE CRIMINAL BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER THE INTERROGATOR *UNDER HIS BREATH* For GOD SAKE! THE CRIMINAL *LAUGHING* I'm sorry... No no, you're right. That's a good rule... YA PRICK! SOUND: THE CRIMINAL BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER THE INTERROGATOR Second rule. No one leaves or enters until we get the truth. SOUND: SILENCE BETWEEN THEM FOR 00:00:03 SECONDS THE INTERROGATOR Third rule. I can get the truth out of you by whatever WE deem necessary. THE CRIMINAL So if I don't want you to gouge my eyes out, then I can just say for you not to. THE INTERROGATOR Yeah, exactly that. THE CRIMINAL Okay, don't gouge my eyes out. THE INTERROGATOR Noted. Fourth rule, no food or drinks.

THE CRIMINAL Really? Bit of an odd rule... THE INTERROGATOR It's still valid. And, urrm. Yeah, I think that's about it. Unless you have any that you'd like to add? THE CRIMINAL Nah, I'm okay with this. THE INTERROGATOR Okay, good good! Well I guess the next question is, did you do it? THE CRIMINAL The crime? Nah, why would I? THE INTERROGATOR Well, that's what I'm here to find out. Why someone would do what crime you 'allegedly' committed? THE CRIMINAL It's a tough one isn't it? Because every other average Joe who you interrogate is ALWAYS going to say they're innocent, and you being you, you're always going to try and get them to confess. But what if they're actually innocent? What if you've actually got it wrong for a change? THE INTERROGATOR Then I put them in jail and let 'em rot. The thing you don't realise about me is that I'm not like any of the others. I am an implacable, inexorable, indigenous, inconspicuous, intoleran t invention of an intellectual. I AM, The Interrogator. SOUND: SILENCE BETWEEN THEM FOR 00:00:04 SECONDS THE INTERROGATOR You got that? THE CRIMINAL I got that. That was nice actually! How long have you been working on that speech for? Having all the alliteration with the letter 'I' and you saying 'I' am The Interrogator. It was nice. THE INTERROGATOR Eehhh! Nicely picked up upon! So you're smart then? THE CRIMINAL Mmm-hmm, you bet cha. Y'see, you did that speech and it was very clever, don't get me wrong, but you would have had that prepared and thought out for a while. Practicing it in your bedroom trying to perfect it. Whereas I could do it off the top of my head, here and now. See, if you're The Interrogator, then I must be The Criminal. Ooh! That has a nice ring to it. Like a superhero or something. Mmm... Clever, cunning, creative, crafty, categorically callous, and cagey. But at the same time, a cruel carnivore, a corrupt catastrophe of a character, a coordinated crash

waiting to happen. I am your competitor. I am, The Criminal. THE INTERROGATOR Phwooaaahhh! That was beautiful! Christ, I liked that! THE CRIMINAL Pfft, well y'know... THE INTERROGATOR No no, seriously, that was good! But umm, yeah. Mmm, as good as that was, I'm kinda here to interrogate you, not to recite poems to each other. So yeah, we should probably get started with that. SOUND: THE INTERROGATOR STARTS TO PUT SEVERAL OBJECTS ON THE TABLE THE INTERROGATOR Seriously though, if you get out of this alive, you should do poetry or something. THE CRIMINAL What do you mean// 'alive'? THE INTERROGATOR //So what I've got here is a Polaroid camera. Give us a smile! SOUND: POLAROID CAMERA TAKING A PICTURE WITH FLASH THE CRIMINAL Oh Christ! Some warning at least! THE INTERROGATOR Beautiful! Now let's wait for that to develop... Aaaannd, Duh-duh-duh-DUUH! It's you! THE CRIMINAL Very nice. THE INTERROGATOR Mmm... Now, I've done that because if you don't confess and tell us the truth, you're not going to look the same. So the photo is mainly for your benefit, I guess... But anyway, please hold out your hand. THE CRIMINAL No, why? What you doing? THE INTERROGATOR Just give me your hand. THE CRIMINAL No, fuck off! THE INTERROGATOR Oi! What was my first rule?

THE CRIMINAL Not to swear// THE INTERROGATOR //Exactly! And if you're breaking rules, then I'll break rules. And we don't want that. Okay? THE CRIMINAL Okay. THE INTERROGATOR Alright good. *deep breath outwards* Right, give me your hand. THE CRIMINAL *Deep breath outwards* THE INTERROGATOR Right, now I'm going to be honest with you. I'm not going to surprise you with anything that will hurt you, I'll tell you what I'm doing and when I'm about to do it. Okay? THE CRIMINAL No. THE INTERROGATOR Ahh, now remember, we don't have to have rules do we? I could just beat the life out of you and say you confessed to the crime, couldn't I? Yes I could. So give me your hand. SOUND: HAND BEING PLACED ONTO TABLE. 00:00:02 SECONDS THE INTERROGATOR Good. Now I'm going to hit you on the hand with this hammer. Now, it will hurt. There's no way around this, what's going to happen will happen. Now, I will give you a count down, and then I'll hit your hand. After that, I will hit the other hand. Okay? Good. You ready? THE CRIMINAL Nononono wait a second! You said that you wouldn't go through with anything if we both didn't agree on it! I don't agree to this! So, yeah! I'm off the hook! THE INTERROGATOR Ahh, now that would have applied if you hadn't have broken one of my rules anyway. You swore didn't you? So you broke one of my rules. So I get to break one of mine. THE CRIMINAL Oh come on now! That's ridiculous! THE INTERROGATOR Rules are rules. Now place your hand on the table. SOUND: SILENCE BETWEEN THEM FOR 00:00:04 SECONDS THE INTERROGATOR So, on the count of three?

SOUND: SILENCE BETWEEN THEM FIR 00:00:03 SECONDS THE INTERROGATOR Three... Two... One... SOUND: THE CRIMINAL GASPS SOUND: THE INTERROGATOR'S PHONE STARTS TO RING THE INTERROGATOR Ooh, wait. Gimme a second... Ahh! Saved by the bell! That's my boss, so, gimme a second. SOUND: THE INTERROGATOR WALKS OVER TO THE CORNER OF THE ROOM AND IS TALKING ON THE PHONE. THE INTERROGATOR Yes?... Mmmhmm... No, wait, that can't be right. No! I've just been in here interrogating the guy and nearly hit him with a hammer to get it out of him, he can't be the wrong guy! But for the love of... Right, yep, okay. I'll see you in a bit. Bub-bye. SOUND: HANGS UP PHONE THE INTERROGATOR Right, well word of mouth is you're actually innocent, so// THE CRIMINAL //Yes! Yes I FUCKING AM! THE INTERROGATOR Hey! No swearing! THE CRIMINAL No, fuck off Criminal'. I man. What if you'd bashed THE INTERROGATOR Then, uuh. THE CRIMINAL Exactly. CHRIST, think it though mate! And, another thing. Don't take photos when you're interrogating someone, you'll leave too much evidence. So yeah, I'm gonna take these photos Aaaaand, yeah, see you in court! SOUND: THE CRIMINAL WALKS OUT OF THE DOOR THE INTERROGATOR Aah, shit... no swearing! I'm innocent, I am no longer 'The am out of this FUCKing place. God, you sick your boss called you a minute later? After in my finger's, hmm? Then what?