Cant Get Through: 8 Barriers to Communication

Kevin

Hogan,

Psy.D.

Ron Stubbs, C.I.

Dedication

For Jessica and Mark. The kids that make my wheels turn

To my eauti!ul wi!e and est !riend" Jeanie #ou ne$er sto%%ed elie$ing in me To &eather and Macken'ie #ou oth hold the strings to my heart.

Acknowledgements

Both o! us would like to thank (ina )ooi* and +r. Mil urn Calhoun !or making this %ro*ect ha%%en. ,e also want to say thank you to Jose%h Billingsley" the sales manager at -elican and .achel Carner" my %u licist. #ou guys are the greatest.

From )e$in: +ena Moscola" Joe +uchene" +e$in and .achel &astings" )atherin /cott" Terry ,atts" Be$ Bryant" .e ecca Cahill" 0lsom 0ldridge and Meredith )a%lan. 1nd o! course to Jessica and Mark &oganthe kids that make my wheels turnand )atie &ogan the greatest Mom in the world. 1 s%ecial thanks to my colla orator .on /tu e2%ertise3 s. Thanks !or sharing your wisdom and

From .on: Thank you to my !amily" Jeanie" &eather and Mac !or all their su%%ort" encouragement and lo$e when +ad was locked away in the o!!ice writing this ook. #ou three kee% me sane. My %arents" Jim and 0die /tu s" et you ne$er e2%ected this" did you4 5 lo$e you

oth. .ol! and -at Flaten" you are like second %arents to me" thanks !or letting into your hearts.

Marshall and )a6" thanks !or kee%ing me com%any in the middle o! the night and

kee%ing my !eet warm 1nd most o! all" my mentor" my soul rother" my !riend" )e$in &ogan !or elie$ing in me enough to o!!er me this chance. Thank you.

Ta le o! Contents

5ntroduction

5ntroduction Cha%t er 7ne Cha%t er Two Cha%t er Three Cha%t er Four Cha%t er Fi$e Cha%t er /i2 Cha%t er /e$en Cha%t er 0ight Bi lio gra%h y Failure to Make a Great First 8and /econd9 5m%ression Flu ing the /tory

(ot :istening 1rguing with the 5ntent to &arm Criticism &ostility and Contem%t 5gnoring Body :anguage 5gnoring the Cycle o! Communication

5t

s always di!!icult to distill something as im%ortant and com%le2 as human communication into a !ew categories o! im%ortance. Then it

s e$en more demanding to discuss the arriers to e!!ecti$e communication in a sim%le" ra%id; !ire !ashion that is easy to read and im%lement. 5t

s my elie! that you will e a le to im%ro$e the communication you %artici%ate in to such an e2tent that it will actually change your li!e. That

s my goal. 5 elie$e it is attaina le.

&a$ing o ser$ed thousands o! %eo%le communicate as a thera%ist !or many years" 5 ha$e disco$ered that there are eight general ways that %eo%le lose the attention and res%ect o! others when communicating. &a$ing trained in the cor%orate world !or the %ast se$en years" 5 ha$e seen these same elements a used o$er and o$er again. This ook will hel% the %erson in usiness and in their %ersonal relationshi%s.

,hat are the eight arriers to communication that ha$e the world stum%ed4

<. Failure to Make a Great First 8and /econd9 5m%ression =. Flu ing the /tory

>. (ot :istening ?. 1rguing with the 5ntent to &arm @. Criticism A. &ostility and Contem%t

B.

5gnoring Body :anguage

8. 5gnoring the Cycle o! Communication

&a$e you e$er een in a con$ersation where you !ound your mind dri!ting" dreaming" and struggling to stay !ocused4 +o you remem er how it !eels to try and listen as someone drones on and on4 ,hen we are !aced with a %oor communicator there can e many reasons !or the missed connection. 7!ten there are words and %hrases that sim%ly shut us down" and %re$ent us !rom listening as well as we would like. Many times the %erson communicating is in*ecting so many negati$e words and ideas that we egin to !eel down and hea$y inside. 5t may *ust e that the %erson you are communicating with is oring you ecause the content o! the communication is all a out them" a out stories you donCt care to listen to" and %eo%le you ha$e ne$er met3

,hat i! that %oor communicator who is oring someone to tears.... is you4 &ow would you know i! you are the one who is inserting negati$e associations" ringing u% insigni!icant details" droning on a out you" you" you4 &ow do you know i! someone is really interested in what you ha$e to say... that they are really engaged in the con$ersation4 ,hat is your method o! o ser$ing whether or not the %erson or grou% is interested and intrigued" or tired and looking !or the door4 ,hen you ecome a to% notch communicator" you learn !rom e$eryone you talk with. #ou will notice the su tle cues that tell you i! you are in good ra%%ort" s%eaking in a way that your audience understands" and using words that create

desire and interest. #ou will e willing to identi!y in yoursel! those things that

%ush others away and %re$ent them !rom listening as well as you would like. This is a $ery %otent as%ect o! sel! awareness that allows you to stay !ascinating to e$eryone around you3

Throughout this ook you will look at the areas o! communication where %eo%le most o!ten go wrong. #ou will disco$er how you may ha$e een alienating others and hel%ing them to !eel negati$e when they are around you. 1s you read these scenarios" notice i! you see yoursel! in them. Take time to e $ery honest a out your style o! communication and the e!!ects you are ha$ing on those around you.

5$e asked my colleague and !riend .on /tu

s to contri ute to this ook in areas that he is

an e2%ert. .on is a %sychothera%ist s%eciali'ing in hy%nosis. 5$e seen some o! the cards that .on has recei$ed o$er the years. They say things like DThank you !or sa$ing my li!e.E .on has learned how to communicate com%le2 ideas in $ery easy to understand !ashion and 5$e asked him to share his e2%ertise a out listening" criticism and the cycle o! e!!ecti$e communication. This ook is a etter tool !or you ecause o! .ons contri ution.

0nough accolades. :ets get to it3

)e$in &ogan Minnea%olis January =FF>

Cha te! "ne

#ake a Poo! $i!st%and Second Im !ession

The est %lace to egin this ook isat the eginning. #ou cant do much to change anything that you ha$e communicated in the %ast. The !uture is a di!!erent story. #ou can literally mold yoursel! into eing one o! the !inest communicators on the %lanet i! you !ollow the suggestions in o$ercoming the eight arriers to communication. Throughout this ook you will disco$er how to ado%t the skills you are going to learn to usiness and %ersonal relationshi%s as most are interchangea le.

There are se$eral !acets o! communication" many o! which %eo%le ne$er consider. &ere are the most im%ortant. <9 #ou" your elie!s" your intentions" your $er al skills" your em%athy. =9 The other %erson" their elie!s" intentions" $er al skills and em%athy. >9 The %hysical en$ironment. 8Church" !oot all game" school" o!!ice9 ?9 The %hysical a%%earance o! each communicator. @9 The non$er al communication o! each communicator. A9 :iking etween %eo%le. B9 Gender di!!erences in %erce%tion and communication.

5n the initial moments o! meeting someone we are *udged in a %ositi$e or negati$e light. 5n these !irst moments the unconscious mind is ra%idly making

determinations o! whether or not this %erson is worth communicating with on any

and e$ery le$el. The second moments ha%%en a!ter the initial contact and saying Dhello.E 5! what ha%%ens ne2t is taking %lace at a dance clu " the e2%erience will e $ery di!!erent !rom what we will e talking a out in this cha%ter. 1nytime you are in a s%eciali'ed en$ironment whether a dance clu " a church social" a ase all game" a con$ention" or a :as Gegas showroom" you ha$e an ad$antage in D!irst contact.E 5n situations like these you can meet %eo%le and talk with them a out e$erything that is ha%%ening all around you. Meeting %eo%le and ha$ing them !ind you interesting in these s%eciali'ed en$ironments is enhanced ecause there are usually a lot o! %eo%le and they all ha$e the common interest o! D eing there.E 0$eryone sees e$eryone else as a little it more like they are" increasing the D!ace $alueE o! e$eryone at the e$ent" e$en i! it is a small increase.

Making a good second im%ression is a it more di!!icult in non;s%eciali'ed en$ironments. 5n a restaurant !or e2am%le" the acti$ities are not Huite so e2citing and uni!ying. 5n these settings you need to e a little more ade%t at %utting your est !oot !orward.

,omen and men" on a$erage" ha$e certain %re!erences in communication styles. For se$eral years 5 ha$e een researching the nuances o! the %u lic !irst meeting etween two %eo%le. Men and women re%ort some %re!erences as eing similar and others as strikingly di!!erent in these !irst meetings. Both men and women are in!luenced y the %hysical a%%earance o! %eo%le when they !irst meet. 7ne recent study re$ealed that on lind dates" oth men

and women would e interested to some degree in another date with a %hysically

attracti$e %erson. Both men and women on the lind dates said they would e less interested in dating someone that was not %hysically attracti$e in their mind. ,hen de$elo%ing ra%%ort" it certainly is im%ortant to look as good as you can. ,e discuss this at length elsewhere in this ook. Beyond %hysical a%%earance we ha$e learned that %recisely where you sit or stand seems to im%act how you are %ercei$ed.

5n research 5 ha$e done" men re$eal that" on a$erage" they are more com!orta le when a woman is seated at a right angle to the man and not directly across !rom the man. ,hy this is the case is unclear. 5t is %ossi le that men like to e in control o! an en$ironment and %re!er to ha$e a Iclear $iew o! what is ahead" as much as %ossi le.

,omen" on the other hand" e2%ress that they %re!er a man to sit directly across !rom them in contrast to ha$ing someone sit eside them or at a right angle3 This contradiction in seating and standing %re!erences is one %ossi le e2%lanation !or the di!!iculties men and women ha$e in !irst contact situations. 5n addition to this !ascinating contrast in %re!erence style o! %ositioning" men and women 8ty%ically right handed9 who con$erse with %eo%le directly in !ront o! them" almost uni$ersally %re!er that %erson to stand or sit slightly to their right side in contrast to their le!t side. 5n other words" %eo%le %re!er to communicate with each other when their right eyes are in alignment and not their le!t eyes. 5ts %ossi le that this is true ecause o! le!t rainJright rain %henomena.

5t seems that the le!t; rain is ty%ically more dominant in language" rational communication and mathematics. 5t a%%ears that the right rain is more immature" emotional and $olatile than the le!t. ,hen looking through one eye or the other" we are connecting with the o%%osite rain hemis%here.

There are si2 asic emotions that are identi!ia le: Fear" anger" sadness" disgust" interest and ha%%iness. 5t is %ossi le that when we !irst meet someone we tend to e uncom!orta le. 5ts also %ossi le that that discom!ort may somehow relate to" or trigger" negati$e emotions that may tend to e more o! a right rain %henomenon.

5! this is indeed true" then when we look to our le!t" we would access more right rain acti$ity than le!t and enhance the chances o! ecoming in touch with those more $olatile and

emotional e2%eriences in memory. Could this e why %eo%le re%ort more com!ort when %eo%le are seated to their right hand side4 5t certainly hasnt een %ro$en ut the e$idence mounts3

There!ore" when you meet someone new" you may want to %lay the %ercentages and meet %eo%le so they res%ond to you in the most !a$ora le light %ossi le. This means that when you are meeting someone you can shake their hand 8or %artici%ate in whate$er greeting is a%%ro%riate to the occasion9 and then kee% that %erson to your right as you maintain eye contact with them. 1llow yoursel$es to e seated so that your right eyes are o%%osite o! each other. This may *ust gi$e you oth a slightly more com!orta le !eeling than you would ha$e in a di!!erent setting.

5t

s interesting to note that in %u lic demonstrations o! this %henomenon"

%eo%le who sit to the le!t o! another %erson tend to descri e the I!irst emotion that comes to mind as I!ear or Ianger. ,hen %eo%le sit to the right o! another %erson" the %erson tends to descri e their !irst emotion !elt as that o! I!ine" Iglad to see you or Iha%%y. The results do not %ro$e the causality ut the e$idence is strong. This leads me to elie$e that your est !irst im%ression comes when the other %erson is seated to your right3

,hat i! the other %erson is le!t;handed4 5t seems that a out BFK o! le!t;handers res%ond as most right;handers do. The other >FK seem to e indi!!erent or %re!er the e2act o%%osite %re!erences we ha$e een discussing.

5! all o! this seems aw!ully technical and a lot to remem er" *ust kee% in mind that" &!ight eyes lining u makes eve!ything all !ight'.

#i!!o!ing There you are. There they are. #ou are seated across !rom each other. The right eyes line u%. (ow what4 ,e all tend to like %eo%le who are like oursel$es. From a %hysiological %ers%ecti$e this means that the est im%ression you can make on another %erson is %ro a ly to emulate their

%hysiology" their %osture and e$en some o! their non;$er al mannerisms.

,hen you are in that !irst contact situation you can easily notice how the other %erson is seated and then model their %hysiology. This is done y ado%ting

a similar ody %osture and seeing to it that your hand and leg %ositions are

similar. 5n other words" sim%ly sit as i! they were looking in a mirror and seeing themsel$es. #ou will !ind this easy to. This %rocess o! mirroring another %erson is o!ten called Imatching or I%acing. ,hen %eo%le egin to use similar gestures and e2%erience similar !acial res%onses they tend to synchroni'e in other ways that are almost magical. This mirroring can lead to ra%%ort eing de$elo%ed more Huickly and sometimes instantly.

Pacing and (eading with )ou! *oice

The dance goes

eyond non;$er al communication. 8(on$er al communication will

discussed in greater detail later in the ook39 &a$e you noticed that %eo%le s%eak at di!!erent rates4 +o you !eel com!orta le with %eo%le who s%eak at a $ery di!!erent rate than yoursel!4 Most %eo%le dont. 5magine !or *ust a moment that two %eo%le are ha$ing dinner and one o! them is s%eaking at a mile a minute. ,ords !low !rom their mouth like water !rom a !ire hydrant. The other %erson" on the other hand" s%eaks as i! there is a tightly wo$en co!!ee !ilter in their mouth" slowing the %ace o! their communication

(eading

down to a $irtual stand still. These two %eo%le are not likely to uild ra%%ort with each other. They %rocess and articulate in!ormation in a di!!erent !ashion !rom each other. 5t can e $ery use!ul in communication to know i! your elie! that you are synchroni'ed with another %erson is correct. 7ne strategy that you can use is to rie!ly sto% mirroring the %erson 5t is are generally easier %eo%le who normally s%eak Huickly slow down than it is !or %eo%le you with and do !or something di!!erent. 8Take a drink !rom to a glass o! water" mo$e !orward" who s%eak to s%eak more Huickly. -eo%le who s%eak Huickly normally %ercei$e slower smile" etc.9 slowly /ee i! they mo$e out o! the %osition that they were in. 5! they do you %ro a ly are communicators to the e dull and oring onare" the indeed" negati$ein side and gentle and caring the %ositi$e synchroni'ed with other %erson and ra%%ort. The other %erson on doesnt ha$e side. The !aste2act %acedeha$ior. communicator o!ten ecomes im%atient with %ace o! the slower to match your #ou sim%ly want to know i! they mo$e in the some way. communicator. 5! not" continue %acing 8mirroring9 until they will acce%t your lead into a di!!erent %hysiology. -eo%le who s%eak slowly consider those who s%eak Huickly to e aggressi$e and o!ten rude on The negati$e non$er alside. dance o! %acing andutes leading is ed oneto that will come withcommunicator %ractice and when you the -ositi$e attri ascri the !ast %aced include ha$e ecome intelligence and more Huick com!orta thinkers. le in !irst contact situations.

,e elie$e there are a%%ro2imately three di!!erent

s%eeds

at which %eo%le communicate. 0ach o! these s%eeds will change throughout a con$ersation de%ending u%on the content o! the con$ersation. +e%ending on a %erson

s de!ault s%eaking %ace and their mood" a %erson will s%eak in one o! three ranges o! %ace: !ast %aced" moderate %aced and slow %aced.

-eo%le who s%eak Huickly are generally $isually oriented and s%eak as Huickly as they see the %ictures in their minds. Medium %aced communicators seem to e $ery auditory in nature. 5n other words they tend to s%eak in such a manner that %oints to the Huality o! the words they say. They may hear their own $oice more clearly than other %eo%le. They may ha$e a greater awareness o! the a!!ect their $oice has on other %eo%le. Finally" the emotional communicator is the %erson who tends to s%eak more slowly. They seem to sort their thoughts through their emotions. They might e more sensiti$e to %eo%le and there!ore care!ul a out what they say.

5! you can %ace the other %ersons s%eaking style in a !irst contact meeting your %artner will see you in a more %ositi$e light. 1s was noted earlier" it is easier to slow down in communication than it is to s%eed u%3 .egardless" mo$ing your Is%eed control in the general direction o! your !irst contact %artner will enhance their im%ressions o! you as to eing more like them. This increases ra%%ort and makes e$erything that ha%%ens !or the rest o! the meeting more likely to succeed.

,e all tend to e$aluate other %eo%le y the sound o! their $oice" the words

they choose to communicate with" their tonality" and es%ecially their %acing. Lntil you ecome unconsciously ade%t at matching another %ersons $ocal %acing" consciously alter your own s%eaking ha its so that they more closely match those around you.

How can you inc!ease you! communicato!,

acing i+ you a!e an emotional

1s we noted earlier" increasing your %ace is more di!!icult than reducing your %ace3

5t is di!!icult ut do;a le. Begin %racticing y reading a %age !rom a ook at your regular %ace. Count how many words %er minute you s%eak. (ow" read the %age again into a ta%e recorder and e certain to articulate all the words clearly as you s%eak more Huickly. +o it again and see i! you can talk *ust a little more Huickly" may e adding =F words %er minute. The idea is not to race through the %age ut to learn how to communicate more Huickly. 1 out <J> o! all

communicators are !ast %aced" $isual s%eakers. They will %ercei$e you as more credi le i! you can s%eak at their le$el" or at least a it more swi!tly.

-he #istake o+ .eing .o!ing

&a$e you e$er een around someone who *ust talked and talked and talked and talked and wellyou get the idea3 They droned on !ore$er without e$er coming to the %ointor any %oint. (ow" is it %ossi le that this %erson was once you4 ,e$e all ored other %eo%le at one time or another. 1t a !irst contact meeting" we dont ha$e the lu2ury o! doing this3 There!ore" here is an e2ercise that will hel% you kick the D5 can e oring lues3E

+o this e2ercise when you are alone.

/0 -hink about a book, movie, o! -* show that you !ecently !ead o! saw.

10 -ake two minutes to desc!ibe the show o! book, out loud.

20 Pause, com ose you! thoughts and then do the same thing again in one minute3

40 Pause, com ose you! thoughts and do you! !eview in 25 seconds33

The a ility to e rie! and o!!er a .eader

s +igest Condensed Gersion o! any

story" es%ecially your %ersonal stories can e the most %ro!ound communication change you may e$er make. By making your stories shorter you gi$e the listener the o%%ortunity to ha$e you ela orate on what you ha$e *ust shared with them. 5! they dont ask !or more" you may ha$e *ust o!!ered the right amount o! in!ormation3

-eo%le who tell long stories while the rest o! the grou% e2%eriences eye;gla'e are ne$er %ercei$ed as attracti$e and are a$oided. This sim%le e2ercise" done regularly" makes you instantly more attracti$e3

6hat do I talk about,

First contact situations tend to e a it uncom!orta le ecause you are now seated across !rom someone who you dont know that much a out The good news is that you dont know anything a out this %erson. That really 5/ good news. #ou can e2%lore e$ery a$enue and ha$e a li!etime o! stories ehind e$ery door. The

o%%ortunities are !raught with risks o! course. #ou could easily o%en a door !or which the in!ormation you recei$e will e uncom!orta le !or one or oth o! you.

Most %eo%le ask a out what a %ersons *o is. That can e a good thing. Most e$eryone has a *o . .esearch has shown that sel!;esteem is directly correlated to *o satis!action. 5! your !irst contact %artner a%%ears to ha$e great sel! esteem this is a great %lace to go. &owe$er" do most %eo%le like their *o s4 5

don

t know. #ou can ask a out their !amily ut are most %eo%le ha%%y with the

relationshi%s in their !amily4 May e" ut !amilies and the e$ents that ha%%en within a !amily are a leading cause o! distress to most %eo%le. There!ore 5 like to direct the con$ersation *ust a it.

Talking a out the !uture can e nice ut there are %ro lems with the !uture too. ,hat i! you !ind out a %erson is ?@ years old and has decided that they ha$e *ust s%ent =F years in the wrong career. They dont want to go ack to school" they ha$e kids to take care o! and !eel stuck3 The !uture may look more like the %ast. 5 a$oid the !uture until a little later.

There are some directions that you can go that are almost !ailsa!e howe$er. &ow do you like this4

7So, the end o+ the week comes. I+ money we!e no ob8ect, how would you like to s end you! days o++,9

5t seems to me that most %eo%le en*oy ha$ing an occasional day o!!. 5t also seems to me that most %eo%le would like talking a out something that they can do i! money is no o *ect. 5 also learn a great deal a out a %erson i! 5 know what they would do with their time o!!. 5t tells me a out what is really im%ortant to them in their li!e.

Sel+ Disclosu!e: .eing *ulne!able, ;ot <nbea!able

,hat is the right mi2 o! con$ersation4 &ow do you know what to talk a out"

what not to talk a out" and how much4 ,hat kind o! con$ersation is most likely to enhance your le$el o! charisma and ring out your est you4 -eo%le want to disco$er what the %erson they are interested in communicating with is really like inside4 :ea$e negati$ity ehind at your !irst meeting with someone and sa$e it !or later. Much later3 /el!;disclosure means that you are going to share some o! who you are with another %erson. Being $ulnera le means that you can share a weakness or two ut not necessarily weaknesses that are %ercei$ed as negati$e. #ou can e a it sel!;e!!acing when communicating with your new !riend or associate. This sel!;disclosure makes your communication more real. #ou$e now disclosed that you are not %er!ect and ha$e gi$en them some o! your %ositi$e attri utes. First contact %artners generally %ercei$e this e2%erience as %ositi$e. &ow might this con$ersation take %lace i! 5 was s%eaking to a !irst contact %artner4

For the alance o! this cha%ter 5m going to assume we are talking a out social relationshi%s ut the methodology !or uilding usiness relationshi%s is the same.

Kevin: (ice to meet you. 5m glad you could ha$e lunch today. $CP: Thanks. This is a $ery nice %lace. Kevin: &a$e you e$er een here4 $CP: (e$er. &a$e you4

Kevin:

1 cou%le o! times. 5 think you

ll like it. ,hen you go out

"

where do you like to go

$CP:

#ou mean restaurants

Kevin:

5n general. .estaurants" mo$ies" entertainment

$CP

: &mmm

5 guess 5 like *ust a out e$erything

5 like to go t

mo$ies

5 like to dance and 5 like to take walks around the lake

Kevin:

,hat ha$e you seen lately that you liked at the mo$ies

$CP:

5 thought the new &arry -otter mo$ie was great. +id you se

that

Kevin

: (o" 5 heard it was great. ,ithout gi$ing the ending away

"

what was it a out

$CP:

,ell" let

s see. 5t had the same kids and cast as the !irst one

The mo$ie !ollowed the ook %retty closely and was really %rett

magical

Kevin:

Thum s u% or down

$CP:

+e!initely a thum s u%

Kevin:

7)" 5

ll gi$e you another chance to %lay mo$ie critic. ,ha

other mo$ie ha$e you seen lately that you thought was great

$CP:

The new /tar Trek mo$ie

Kevin:

That 5 saw

$CP:

5 thought it was great

Kevin:

Me too. /o" that

s two thum s u%. 8smiles

8,aiter arri$es

6aite!:

,ould you like to order now4

Kevin: (ot yet" can we ha$e *ust a cou%le o! minutes4 6aite!: Certainly. Kevin: /ome o! the dishes are e2cellent. ,hat kind o! !ood you like4 $CP: 5 like *ust a out e$erything. 5m %retty easy to %lase. ,hat a out you4 Kevin: 5m a little more di!!icult to %lease than you are" which is why 5 wanted to meet you here. 5 dont eat most kinds o! sea!ood" ut the chicken" steak and %astas here are great. $CP: #ou dont like sea!ood4 Kevin: 5 was raised in a !amily that ate a $ery Jewish;like diet. 5 still dont eat some things like cra and lo ster. /ome o! my !riends say 5 missed the oat. 5 tell them" it was a dee%;sea !ishing oat and 5 wasnt allowed to get on in the !irst %lace3 $CP: 8smiles9 +o you recommend anything4 Kevin: The Chicken Milan is %retty good i! you dont like s%icy !ood. 5! you do" you might want to.

1nd so it goes. The !irst contact %artner and 5 are rolling right along. 5 disclose a little it a out mysel! and that will encourage the !irst contact %artner to !eel more o%en to disclose more a out hersel! later on. There are numerous ways to deal with !irst contact. ,here$er the other %erson leads you is where you

want to go with con$ersation. .emem er" e$erything is new in !irst contact so

you ha$e a wealth o! li!e e2%eriences to go to. The key is kee% it %ositi$e. ,hat might a con$ersation e like that is not so e!!ecti$e in uilding ra%%ort4 :ets use the same scenario and *ust change the con$ersation a it. :ets see how these %eo%le can ruin the !irst contact.

Kevin: (ice to meet you. 5m glad you could ha$e lunch today. $CP: Thanks" its a $ery nice %lace. Kevin: &a$e you e$er een here4 $CP: (e$er" ha$e you4 Kevin: 1 !ew times. The !ood is great. 8(e$er %romise something you cant !ul!ill.9 +ont you *ust lo$e steak houses4 8+ont guess what they might like. 1sk them their %re!erences instead39 $CP: (ot really" 5m more o! a sea!ood !an. Kevin: 5 dont eat sea!ood. 5 used to e a /e$enth +ay 1d$entist and its *ust sort o! stuck o$er the years. 8The church down the street !rom yours is %ro a ly a cult in someone elses mind" so lea$e the rand o!! the uilding39 $CP: 5snt that a cult4 Kevin: (o" *ust a conser$ati$e church. They eat a Jewish diet" %retty much. $CP: &uh.

Kevin:

&ey" did you see :ord o! the .ings4

$CP:

#eah

Kevin:

Great mo$ie wasn

t it4 Most incredi le !antasy mo$ie 5

e$er seen

$CP

: 5 thought it was gross. 8Time to ski% this )e$in and g

somewhere else.

Kevin:

,ell sure" that was %art o! the %oint right. 5t was in %art

war mo$ie

$CP:

My idea o! a !antasy is #ou

$e Got Mail with Tom &anks an

Meg .yan

Kevin:

#eah that was a good show too. 8,hy didn

t you ask he

what she liked est a out it4 Then you learn something a out he

and what she likes3

$CP:

Gery romantic

1re these two %eo%le in sync4 (o. The reason is that neither o! them is eliciting %re!erences o! the other %erson. 5nstead they are making statements a out their %ersonal e2%erience without thought o! how the other %erson might !eel a out them. Too much disclosure" too !ast and it isnt e$en signi!icant disclosure. 0ach o! these two %eo%le is in their own little world and neither is interested in %enetrating the other %ersons reality3

The di!!erences are su tle ut make all the di!!erence in the world in the ra%%ort uilding %rocess. This con$ersation is uncom!orta le and going nowhere.

5t

s hard to e interested in someone who can only start a sentence with the word"

5.

-eo%le who are irresisti le are those %eo%le who are a le to make other %eo%le !eel im%ortant and cared a out. ,hen %eo%le start too many sentences with the word

" the message is clear

you are interested in yoursel!. ,hat !ollows are common mistakes %eo%le make in communicating" !ollowed y the etter way to e2%ress the thought" ma2imi'ing your irresisti ility.

#istake: D5 really like !oot all. 5m a ig Gikings !an.E .ette!: D+o you like s%orts4E 8,ait !or the res%onse e!ore del$ing any !urther. 5! you get a negati$e res%onse you$e sa$ed the %erson the struggle o! eing ored at a !irst meeting.9

#istake: D5 come here all the time.E .ette!: D&a$e you e$er een here e!ore4E 8/o" you ring all the guysJgirls here. That makes me !eel really s%ecial. Thanks !or making me *ust one o! the many" instead o! making !irst contact something s%ecial.9

#istake: D5 *ust ought a AM Che$y.E 8,hen was the last time you met a woman who cared or knew the di!!erence etween a AM and a BM" or e$en cared4 They are out there ut only at the car rallies.9

#istake:

My old oy!riend used to take me here.

.ette!: D#es" 5$e een here e!ore. 5 really like it. 5m glad you chose it.E 8(o man on earth is interested in your %ast oy!riends or hus ands. 5! the earth Huakes and he ha%%ens to ask a out !ormer times and lo$es" touch on them and lea$e the su *ect. These are areas you should lea$e alone in !irst contact.9

#istake: D#ou ha$e a eauti!ul ody.E .ette!: D5 really like your hair.E 8First contact is no time to e talking a out her ody. #our eyes should e !ocused !rom the neck u%. :ea$e the rest !or another day.9

#istake: D5 lo$e Mariah Carey.E .ette!: D,ho is your !a$orite recording artist4E 81sk whom they !ind e2citing !irst and see what it is a out that %er!ormer that they like. Then share your interests.9

1ll o! these sim%le ut im%ortant changes in the way we communicate make us a%%ear to e !ascinating ecause we are !ocusing on the other %erson !irst. ,e can talk a out our interests later. :earn what you can a out the %erson you are with. The idea is not to agree that you like Mariah Carey i! you dont ut to learn a out the interests and lo$es o! your !irst contact %artner. #ou can detail why Tina Turner is your !a$orite !emale entertainer at a later date. Find out what

they like and you can make your second meeting custom made es%ecially !or

your !irst contact %artner.

Can't I tell them anything about me,

#ou can and you must %artici%ate in mutual sel!;disclosure so your !irst contact %artner can learn a out you as well. 5! you are too mysterious then they will ultimately lose interest in you. &owe$er" most %eo%le arent too mysterious. Most %eo%le are too talkati$e. 7nce on a roll %eo%le tend to disclose !ar too much" !ar too Huickly. 0$en i! your ank account has B digits" she %ro a ly doesnt want to know yet. /hed %ro a ly like to !igure it out o$er a !ew dates. The est %olicy is to always %ut your attention on the other %erson" their interests" likes and dislikes. ,hen you are asked a out your s%eci!ic likes and dislikes you should always e !rank and u%!ront. &owe$er" all things considered" %artici%ate in less D5E and more DyouE. -eo%le will !ind you more interesting to talk with3

,hen you are in a %osition o! disclosure you should !ocus toward the %ositi$e. /he may ask whether you like your *o . #ou %ro a ly hate your *o . #ou cant lie. #ou can e *ust a it e$asi$e" a it o%timistic and %ut your est !oot !orward. &ere are some e2am%les. #our !irst contact %artner asks you the !ollowing Huestions. #our !irst res%onse right elow the Huestion is o! course true ut luntly honest. 5n the second res%onse you are honest" o%timistic and %ut e$erything into a %ositi$e light.

Do you like child!en,

Poo!: D)ids dri$e me nuts.E 8/he %ro a ly has one" dont you think49 .ette!: D5snt e$eryone a child inside4E

7Do you like you! 8ob,9

Poo!: D(o" 5 cant wait to lea$e.E 8/ign o! insta ility.9 .ette!: D#ou know" 5$e een there three years. 5 ha$e learned so much a out the

structure o! com%anies. 5 can see mysel! there !or three more years or may e e$en !inding something that would e e$en more !un and e2citing. &ow a out you4E

7Do you like w!estling,9

Poo!: D5ts a stu%id !orm o! entertainment.E 8&er rother is a wrestler" right4 ,ho did you *ust insult that is related to her49 .ette!: D5$e ne$er een to a wrestling match. &a$e you4E

76ho a!e you voting +o! in the elections,9

Poo!: D/traight democratic ticket.E 8@F;@F chance you *ust o!!ended him.9

.ette!:

5 need to know *ust a little more a out the candidates. 5 like a lot

a out se$eral o! the candidates. &ow a out you4E

76hat do you think about the com any's decision to lay o++ 1,555 wo!ke!s,9

Poo!: DThey got laid o!! ecause they werent %roducing enough income to *usti!y their salary.E 8.ead that as your rother is a loser.9 .ette!: DMy ho%e is that %eo%le will !ind something that makes them ha%%y and

e2cited a out their li$es. 5ts always !rustrating when %eo%le lose their *o s" ut 5 et you can remem er times when %eo%le ha$e told you it turned out to e the est thing that e$er could ha$e ha%%ened. #ou know what 5 mean4E

76he!e do you stand on the abo!tion issue,9

Poo!: 1ny res%onse. 8+eadly Huestion i! the two o! you disagree.9 .ette!: /mile and say" D,ow" now 5 know how a %residential candidate !eels. That

is a really hard Huestion to answer. #ou sit in !ront o! someone you think is really incredi le and you wouldnt do anything to o!!end them in anyway. 5 think 5 would do whate$er it would take to not answer the Huestion. 1t least not tonight.E

5n each situation you could ha$e said e2actly what you think. Ln!ortunately"

Cha te! -wo

in e$ery case noted on the %re$ious %ages" that would ha$e %otentially %olari'ed you !rom your !irst contact %artner. The D etterE res%onses are all res%ect!ul" o%timistic and allow !or a slower $lubbing -he Sto!y disclosure. They may think that it is com%letely reasona le to ask each o! these Huestions" ut !ew %eo%le think a out what ha%%ens i! you com%letely disagree on something that is Most con$ersations include at least one story. /ome longer con$ersations include two signi!icant to them. There!ore" you need to e aware that a %ositi$e and o%timistic res%onse do'en or more stories3 ,hen you tell someone a story its really im%ortant to you that the that allows !or e$entual and not immediate disclosure can e $ery wise. %erson you are talking to listens. 5t makes you !eel good when they DooooohE and Dahhhhhh.E ,hen %eo%le gloss o$er your stories you !eel let down and sometimes hurt. 7ur stories are This is %articularly true in discussing your current *o . (o one wants to hear that a %erson im%ortant to us and we want them to e im%ortant to others. 8es%ecially a man9 hates his *o . 5t indicates general insta ility. 5nsta ility is not a ad word. 5t sim%ly means" Dnot sta le.E ,omen" in %articular" are looking !or sta ility in their relationshi%s 0$erything you ha$e ecome today is %art o! your li!e story" the sum o! all o! your stories with oth men and women. The time to disclose all !eelings a out a *o is %ro a ly not at !irst a out your li!e. 5t means the world to you when %eo%le are !ascinated y your stories. contact. #ou ne$er ha$e to lie a out your true !eelings and in !act" you should ne$er lie" ut this is a good time to !ind something %ositi$e to say and %ut a good light on something you ha$e negati$e !eelings a out. .emem er when the little Te2as girl" Jessica McClure !ell in the well and got tra%%ed4 5t took three days to get her out. The nation watched. ,ould she li$e or die4 Could the rescuers There is so much you can do to make your !irst and second im%ressions a success. +oing so get her in time4 That ha%%ened in <M8B" you dont e$en know Jessica ut you %ro a ly %rimes the %um% !or !urther success in communication. Lnderestimating the %ower o! the !irst remem er it to this day3 0ach year millions o! %eo%le die and e2%erience incredi le e$ents. and second contact with someone is a ig mistake. #ou already ha$e !igured out that The story o! Jessica was a great story and it un!olded right e!ore our eyes. The media calls e$erything that is im%ortant in the !irst and second im%ression is im%ortant in all o! your these kinds o! stories" Dhuman interestE stories. They sell news shows ecause %eo%le are communications. (e2t u% you learn how to share the threads o! your li!e with those you want engaged y the drama. 0ach o! us has at least one human interest story to tell a out oursel$es. to talk to3 1 time when you sur$i$ed something dramatic. #ou o$ercame an

illness. #ou %ersisted until you succeeded. #ou hel%ed someone in great need

and someone !ound out a out it and told someone else who told the news and then you made the news. 1ll o! these are great stories.

Telling stories welland listening to them with !ascination are two im%ortant !actors in maintaining good communication. #oud think it would e easy to tell and listen to stories ut this isnt the case and D!lu communicating. ing the storyE is the !irst o! the mistakes we make when

-he!e a!e /5 ways to +lub a sto!y.

<9 Be oring. =9 Talk too long. >9 /%eak too slowly. ?9 /%eak in a gar led way so that %eo%le cant understand you. @9 02aggerate when telling your story. A9 5gnore !eed ack during your story telling. B9 .es%ond to other %eo%les stories with a story o! your own. 89 -oke holes in other %eo%les s%ecial stories. M9 7$ertly rag a out yoursel! *ust a little too much. <F9(ot telling your stories with intention.

:et

s look at each o! these <F ways to !lu a story and then let

s talk a out how to tell a story so %eo%le will listen" e !ascinated and e asking !or more3

/0 .e bo!ing.

Being oring centers around eing !ocused on yoursel!. 0$en when telling stories you must e %aying attention to the %erson who is listening to you. #ou must think ahead o! time" D,hy do they want to hear this story4E D&ow can 5 tell this story so it is interesting to them4E #our stories will usually e a out your e2%eriences. &ow you tell your stories and how you %osition yoursel! in your stories will determine *ust how interested the other %erson will e.

10 -alk +o! too long.

5! you are in an e$eryday con$ersation" you %ro a ly ha$e less than one minute to tell your story. :earn to tell what 5 call a Dthum nailE or a Dreaders digest condensed $ersionE o! your story. 5 remem er when my sister was a %re;teen she would come home !rom the mo$ies and $irtually recite all the lines o! the mo$ie line !or line" scene !or scene. My eyes would gla'e o$er y the time she got %ast the o%ening credits. >F minutes later she would !inish and 5 would e nodding my head. 5 lo$ed my sister.

5 *ust didn

t ha$e the heart to tell her. 7$er the years she learned to tell the readers digest condensed $ersion. Today she is an e2ecuti$e with Johnson and Johnson.

20 S eak too slowly.

-eo%le ha$e $ery short attention s%ans. Most com%anies %itch their %roducts in thirty second commercials on tele$ision. The newest wa$e o! mens maga'ines include the est sellers /tu!! and Ma2im. These %u lications !eature DarticlesE as short as a %aragra%h. 7ur attention s%ans are so short that L/1 Today seems to e !illed with articles that are !ar too detailed !or a lot o! %eo%le. The message needs to e deli$ered Huickly and concisely in %rint and in e$eryday con$ersation.

7ne o! the greatest %ro lems %eo%le ha$e when telling a story is s%eaking !ar too slowly. Think o! the %eo%le who are en*oya le to listen to. Comedians. .o in ,illiams: /%eaks Huickly. +ennis Miller: /%eaks Huickly. Bill Cos y: /%eaks moderately. George ,allace: /%eaks Huickly. Billy Crystal: Moderate to !ast %aced. Jerry /ein!eld: Moderate to !ast %aced. There arent a lot o! %eo%le who make you laughwho also s%eak slowly when they are telling a story. #es" there is an e2ce%tion to e$ery rule" ut here is the rule: /%eak a little more Huickly and you ha$e a etter chance o! ha$ing your story heard and en*oyed.

40 S eak in a ga!bled way so that eo le can't unde!stand you.

Many %eo%le look away when they are communicating with you. They think you ha$e a uni$ersal translator that translates all languages including gar led 0nglish. .emem er that millions o! %eo%le are hard o! hearing and they ha$e little chance o! hearing the a$erage woman 8who s%eak at !reHuencies much higher than men9 s%eak at all. ,hen you s%eak" look at the %erson you are talking to. /%eak clearly. /%eak loud enough so they can hear you. 1ll o! this may seem o $ious ut ha$ing o ser$ed thousands o! %eo%le communicate" 5 %romise you that this one mistake causes ig %ro lems in relationshi%s

%ro lems that could easily e a$oided.

=0 >?agge!ate when telling you! sto!y.

Dand there were millions o! %eo%le watching the %aradeE 8There were 8@F according to news%a%er accounts.9

D5 ne$er e$en looked at herE 8(e$er looked439

D e!ore he started the diet he weighed >FF %oundsE 87) it was really =?F.9

1 story worth telling is worth telling accurately. Tell it with enthusiasm" 'eal

and intensity. Tell it accurately. :ater in the cha%ter 5ll show you how to tell a story that holds interest" uilds your credi ility and engages your listener. For now" its $ital that all o! your communication is true without eing critical or unnecessarily unkind. 02aggeration is an in$itation !or %eo%le to not listen or care.

@0 Igno!e +eedback du!ing you! sto!y telling.

Dand then she comes in the door and she has this skirt on that is so ridiculously short. 5 mean who is she kidding. /hes not a teenager anymore.E 8!riend nods %olitely while !ighting ack a yawn" eyes egin to gla'e o$er9 Ddo %eo%le ha$e no sense o! decency anymore4 5 *ust wonder what makes some %eo%le tick. +ont %eo%le %ay attention to what they are wearing and see how it makes e$ery ody !eel4E 8!riend shrugs and nods with !eigned !rustration9

The woman telling the story a out the short skirted o!!ice !riend could ha$e s%ared her listener the des%air o! this antiHuated story had she only seen the !eigned !rustration" the shrug" the yawn ut it was not something the storyteller was looking !or. 5t should ha$e een. 5ts critical to always %ay attention to how %eo%le are recei$ing the stories you tell.

#ou must %ay close attention to your listener

s ody language while you are

telling your story. 5s their ody language telling you they are interested or im%atient !or the end4 1re their li%s mo$ing" ready to *um% in on your story or are they listening with awe. :ater in the ook we will discuss ody language in de%th. (ot learning to understand the ody language o! other %eo%le is one o! the mistakes we make in communication.

A0 Res ond to othe! eo le's sto!ies with a sto!y o+ you! own.

Dand 5 went to Cancun and you should ha$e seen the eaches. They were eauti!ul. The -rincess &otel was a solutely reath takE D#ou stayed at the -rincess. 5ts really not ad you know. 7n our third tri% to Cancun we stayed at The -rincess" in the 7cean$iew /uite. They reser$ed it !or us ecause John hel%ed with the design o! the uilding in M8. 5 didnt really like The -rincess that much. 5t was a wanna ee hotel. But since then we$e stayed at the new /heraton. 5t *ust has e$erything and they take care o! you like you are royalty there. 5 think i! we go ack and dont go to Tahiti on our ne2t tri%" were going to stay there again.E DCancun sure is nice.E 8The energy has een discharged !rom her eing and the desire to communicate !urther with her !riend went with her energy9

This is one o! the really sad things we do in communicating with others.

5nstead o! teasing out the rest o! the story !rom our !riend" we immediately *um% in with a story o! our own. .esearch shows that %eo%le !eel etter when you %ursue their story to its com%letion then disclose 8share9 something o! your own.

B0 Poke holes in othe! eo le's s ecial sto!ies.

They are telling you a out their ad$enture to the audit at the 5./ o!!ice.

D5 was so ner$ous" 5m dri$ing to the 5./ o!!ice and 5m sitting their thinking" oh man" 5 ha$e to remem er to (7T talk. /hut u%. Be Huiet. +ont say anything.E D,hat did you do to get audited4E D&uh4 5 !iled /chedule C and that meansE D+id you re%ort all o! your income.E D5 think soE D#ou T&5() so4 ,hat are you nuts4 #ou ha$e to re%ort all o! your income.E D7! course you ha$e to re%ort all o! your income. 1nyway" 5m on the way to the 5./ o!!ice andE D+id you o$erstate your deductions4E D7! course not. 5 E D5! you o$erstate your deductions they will ust yourE E5 )(7, that and 5 didnt. :ets Just dro% the whole thing.E E7.). 5 was *ust trying to hel%.E

1nd so it goes. 7ur storyteller was %re%aring to tell the story o! her ig $ictory o$er the 5./ auditor and our storyteller

s !riend %oked ig holes in the story. /o ig that it took all the !un and e2citement out o! sharing the story.

The a%%ro%riate res%onse would ha$e een to listen with !ascination and a sense o! curiosity" sa$ing all Huestions and comments !or much" much later.

C0 "ve!tly b!ag about you!sel+ too much.

D5 dont want to rag ut the %lace would ha$e gone under without me. 5 was there e$ery day at dawn and stayed til the /un went down. 5 uilt the com%any and once they had <FF em%loyees there was no a%%reciation at all. They down si'ed me. 5t was un elie$a le. 5 literally designed almost e$ery ma*or %iece that we %roduced and when it came time !or them to decide who to let go" it was me. 5 couldnt elie$e it. They ne$er would ha$e gone %u lic without me. They ne$er would ha$e met their %ayroll without me. 5 *ust cant elie$e they didnt see what 5 was worth to them.E

True or not" ragging ne$er %ays. There are so many e!!ecti$e ways to olster your re%utation and communication credentials when talking to %eo%le that you ne$er need to o$erstate your contri ution to a relationshi%" a %ro*ect" a usiness" a deal" or anything. :ater youll learn how to tell a great story where you were a hero without ragging at all3

/50 ;ot telling you! sto!ies with intention.

Be!ore you egin s%eaking" o$er;ride the com%ulsion to lurt out your story.

Think:

,hat is the intention o! your story4 ,hy are you going to tell this story4 ,ill anyone who listens to this story e hurt y what you say4

#ou might think that its not that im%ortant to communicate e2actly what you mean ut remem er +ecem er =FF=4 Nuite o!ten someone tells a story and they ha$ent thought a out who they are telling the story to or how it might easily e misinter%reted to mean something else.

Trent :ott" 1 Mississi%%i .e%u lican got himsel! stuck in a %u lic relations nightmare and ga$e u% the dream o! a li!etime in +ecem er o! =FF=. +estined to ecome the &ouse Ma*ority :eader in January o! =FF>" he made a critical mistake that e$eryone should e attenti$e to and learn !rom. /%eaking at a %arty honoring /enator /trom Thurmonds <FF th irthday" he o%ened

-andoras o2 and ne$er knew what his words o! a%%reciation !or the

elderly /enator would do. The drama o! misunderstood words caused e$en the

-resident o! The Lnited /tates to distance himsel! !rom :ott.

/%eaking !or the -resident" 1ri Fleischer said a!ter one s%eech that Bush that was not calling !or :ott to ste% aside as leader or as senator.

CCThe %resident does not think that /en. :ott needs to resign"CC Flesicher said.

The %ro lem4 Thurmond" the /outh Carolina .e%u lican who ran as a third;%arty candidate !or %resident in <M?8 as a segregationist had changed his $iews o$er the ensuing @F years o! %u lic ser$ice. But the comments y :ott made it a%%ear that :ott was still in !a$or o! them. . 5n <M?8 most lacks in many southern L./. states" including Mississi%%i" were not allowed to $ote. :ott actually didnt say anything that was racist ut the inter%retation y his ad$ersaries was easy to s%in into the %u lic mind. /hortly a!ter the s%eech" :ott called Bush" and his o!!ice issued a statement saying the %resident was right.

CC/enator :ott agrees with -resident Bush that his words were wrong and he is sorry"CC said :ott s%okesman .on Bon*ean. CC&e re%udiates segregation ecause it is immoral.CC

:ott e2%ressed similar sentiments in his call to Bush" Fleischer said.

/o *ust what did :ott say at the Thurmond cele ration4

CC.,eCre %roud o! it. 1nd i! the rest o! the country had !ollowed our lead" we wouldnCt ha$e had all these %ro lems o$er the years"CC

:ater he would ha$e to clari!y what he meant ut it was too late" he hadnt thought through how is words might e!!ect the minds o! his greatest ad$ersaries.

CC5Cm sorry !or my words"CC said :ott" who has said he would not ste% aside as /enate .e%u lican leader. /%eaking to ,1BC radio in (ew #ork and then on B0T days later" :ott said he had wanted to honor CCThurmond the manCC ut not ack segregationist %olicies.

The Congressional Black Caucus called !or a !ormal censure o! :ott" saying anything less would e seen as a%%ro$al o! his remarks y Bush" Congress and the .e%u lican %arty. 5n Mississi%%i" ci$il rights o!!icials said his a%ology was insu!!icient" and accused him o! ha$ing enduring ties to grou%s that are elie$ed to ha$e racist $iews. /e$eral ma*or L./. news%a%ers on %u lished editorials demanding .e%u licans re*ect :ott as their /enate leader. 1 !ew misunderstood words caused :ott his re%utation and dro$e many o! those closest to him to lea$e his side.

(esson

: ,hen telling your stories" think a out how they will e recei$ed y your listeners

and the %eo%le your listeners will talk to. #ou aren

t likely to e$er e under media scrutiny like a %olitical leader ut the %oint is clear. Think e!ore s%eaking.

5n a con$ersation with !riends" usiness colleagues and the like you will o!ten hear them say something which !rustrates you. #ou will hear things that you dont understand. Because you really want to know what the %erson means and !eels you must learn to tease out the intention.

+id they mean what you thought they *ust said4 +id they mean what you heard4

5n :otts case a !riend might say to the /enator" D/o are you saying you liked the way Thurmond thought a out segregation in <M?8.E

&e might re%ly" D7! course not. ,hat a stu%id thought. 5 meant that 5 really admire Thurmond.E

5t is that sim%leand di!!icult. ,hen you dont understand their story" seek to understand e!ore critici'ing the %erson3

6ho a!e )ou,

The most im%ortant element in a story is that it tells who you are. ,ithout knowing this" the listener is not interested in %assing you the time o! day. The asic skills necessary to tell a story that ca%ti$ates others are to !irst share Dwho you are.E -eo%le need to know why they should listen to you. 5 once heard 6ig 6iglar say" D-eo%le dont care what you know until they know that you care.E 5$e always elie$ed that and tried to li$e that. D,ho are you"E means sharing detailing what actions others see in you and stating things in their terms. 5n other words" you dont say" D5 knew 5 was great ecause the audience a%%lauded.E #ou say" D1nd when the audience a%%lauded 5 !elt so good inside3E

&ere are a cou%le o! more e2am%les.

D5m a generous %erson.E Gs. D1ll 5 had was a O< ill in my %ocket ut 5 knew that it might uy someone a sandwich at the /al$ation 1rmy so 5 threw it in the ucket.E

D5m a nice %erson.E D5 ha$e no idea i! the lady was going to e mad at me or not !or hel%ing her across the street" ut 5 took my chances and took her armE

5 show my lo$e e$ery time 5 get a chance.

,hen 5 was on the %hone with my son" he said"

+ad" you

re the greatest +ad i

the world.

5 said"

5 lo$e you igger than the %lanet Ju%iter.

7ne way o! communicating is Huickly la eled as ragging. The other way allows you to tell your story a out s%eci!ic incidents that ha%%ened and the di!!erence can e that o! ca%ti$ation and !ascination or oredom.

#ake It Known that )ou a!e Human

,hen you tell a story you must e certain that you highlight your weaknesses. There are many kinds o! weaknesses. Most can e highlighted in a sel! de%recating or !un way and your listener will like you all the more i! you %oint them out.

D5$e ne$er een the smartest guy on the streetE D7)" so my ody runs like an old -into" ut 5 still get aroundE D5 was ne$er good looking ut my %remature alding took the %ressure o!! e$eryone staring at my !aceE

-oke !un at yoursel! and you take away the desire !or others to do it !or you. 5ts Huite charming to re$eal a !ew o! your inner thoughts 8so long as they are

going to e well tolerated y your audience9.

)ou! Sto!y should Ins i!e

Tell someone how great you are and they will dismiss you. Tell your story as a human who was dri$en to accom%lish something in s%ite o! your !railties and you will !ind yoursel! ha$ing an audience chom%ing at the it to hear more !rom you.

0$eryone has a story tell. 5n !act" we all ha$e a ag !ull o! stories to share. 5 am going to show you how to identi!y the ways you can o$ercome the common mistakes %eo%le make when story telling. (e2t" 5 want to share with you three o! my stories wo$en together and 5 want you to learn some things a out me.

&ere are my goals 8my intention9 with telling the ne2t three stories:

<9 5 want you to see my de$otion and dedication to my !amily. =9 5 want you to see that 5 ha$e struggled with my sel! worth. >9 5 want you to know 5 ha$e a sense o! humor. ?9 5 want you to know that 5 sur$i$ed and ecame success!ul through %ersonal weaknesses with my a ility to communicate well. @9 5 dont want to ha$e to say any o! these things o$ertly ecause 5 dont want to turn you o!! with ragging or !eeling sorry !or me.

6inte! /CA1

5 8)&9 started my own D usinessE when 5 was <F years old. 5 had to. 5 was the oldest o! !i$e children and we had no money. My ste%!ather was going to die in less than <8 months and Moms time was di$ided etween her *o and taking care o! +ad who was con!ined to a hos%ital ed in our home. 5t was a heck o! a way to li$e ,e li$ed in a Dlower;middle classE su ur o! Chicago. 5! 5 wanted to ha$e money !or anything 8and 5 did9 5 would ha$e to sell something. 5 sold my ser$ices in the winter;time as the kid on the street who would sho$el your dri$eway. O< %er hour The Chicago winds would low out o! the (orth and o!! the lake with a itter coldness that 5ll ne$er !orget. /ometimes 5d take the O> 5 would earn and gi$e it to Mom. /ometimes 5d kee% the money and uy -e%si and .eeses. 5n the summer" 5 would sell my ser$ices cutting %eo%les lawns or %ulling weeds. 85 hated %ulling weeds.9

.eali'ing that there was no ho%e !or me in the lawn and garden ser$ices" 5 knew at age <F 5 would ha$e to do something where 5 could utili'e my time in a !ar more e!!icient manner. 5 saw an ad in a /unday news%a%er !or Cheer!ul &ouse Greeting Cards. 5 read that 5 could earn !rom !i!ty cents to two dollars !or each o2 o! cards sold. 5 immediately sent the com%any my O<F !or a sam%le kit. 8O<F was a lot o! money in those days.9 5n return Cheer!ul &ouse sent me !i$e o2es o! Christmas cards. /ome Huick math calculations re$ealed that i! 5 *ust sold the !i$e o2es 5d make one dollar %er o2 sold3 The sales literature said that

there would only e !our

selling seasons

%er year" so whate$er money was

going to e earned would ha$e to last a :7(G time. 5 got home !rom school the ne2t day and as soon as my %a%er route was done 5 was ready to go make some real money3 5 knocked on my neigh ors door. 5t was Mrs. Gossard. 5 showed her my cards and she ought a o2. My !irst dollar was earned3 Then 5 went to Mrs. /inger. 8/he couldnt uy a o2.9 Mrs. &endricks ought two o2es" Mrs. /erdar ought a o2. Mrs. Makela ought a o2. :ots o! other %eo%le didnt. 5 was gone until 8:FF and had knocked on >F doors and sold a out <8 o2es o! cards. 5 looked at my watch as the sun was setting. 5 knew 5 had to go home and hel% %ut the kids to ed. 5 had checks totaling a out OAF" o! which my math whi' rain !igured" O=F was mine

Mom was so e2cited when she saw the order sheet. 5 told her that 5d gi$e her all the money 5 earned. /he said" D(o. #ou earned it" you are going to kee% it.E ,ow3 The ne2t day 5 le!t the neigh orhood to start selling in a neigh orhood 5 ne$er went to. 5 was out !rom the time my %a%er route was done until sunset. 5 sold only !our o2es o! cards. /ome o! the %eo%les houses werescary looking and eing a skinny little kid5 decided that 5 wouldnt go ack there again3 (e$ertheless" 5 made a out O?. 5 showed Mom when 5 got home and she told me that it was mine to kee%.

The %ro lem was that 5 knocked on a out @F doors to earn that O?. 5 couldnt elie$e that more %eo%le didnt uy my Christmas cards. They o $iously werent as smart as the %eo%le in my neigh orhood. The ne2t day was /aturday and 5 remem er getting u%" deli$ering the /aturday Morning ,aukegan (ew;/un

8They had to e deli$ered y B 1.M.39 cutting the lawn" and then at noon o!! 5

went on my icycle. 5 went into neigh orhoods 5 had ne$er een to and knocked on o$er <FF doors that day. 5 didnt sto% to eat lunchor dinner. 5 sold A o2es o! cards. 5 got home to !ind that there was no &am urger &el%er le!t. 85 was eternally grate!ul.9 5 told Mom that 5 didnt ha$e a $ery good day. 5 made OA ut 5 was dri$ing across highways and 5 was kind o! scared o! the neigh orhoods 5 was going into. /he suggested 5 stick with the neigh orhoods where %eo%le knew me and that 5 wouldnt e crossing the highways anymore. 8/he would later tell me she was scared to death that her son was going into some o! the neigh orhoods39

,e totaled the order sheet. 5 had sold =8 o2es o! cards. My total earnings would e a out O>F. 5 would get %aid a!ter 5 deli$ered all o! the cards to my clients. 5 couldnt wait3

5 learned a lot that week. 5 learned that selling cards was a lot etter than cutting the lawn" %ulling weeds" sho$eling the snow or deli$ering the news%a%er. 5 learned 5 could only work !our weeks %er year selling cards. /elling cards was going to make me O<FF %er year ne2t year ut 5d need to think o! something else to sell i! 5 was going to make more money. More im%ortantly" a!ter deli$ering the cards to the %eo%le a !ew weeks earlier" 5 reali'ed how much !un it was to see %eo%le smile and say DThanks" )e$in.E DTheyre eauti!ul.E D#ou got those to me !aster than 5 e2%ected.E

Most im%ortantly" 5 made O>F !or a out =F hours o! work that was not %hysically killing my scrawny <F year old ody3

5 sold greeting cards !or the ne2t !our years as a source o! income. 5 sold !lower seeds and $egeta le seeds. 85 also continued to sell my ody sho$eling snow" %ulling weeds" cutting lawns" and doing anything 5 could.9 The most !un was selling cards though. The women were 8!or the most %art9 !un to talk with" the work was all sitting down in their li$ing room and some o! them e$en ga$e me cookies and milk those !ew days %er year when 5 was selling. 5 was actually ha$ing !un working at something.

The ad !rom Cheer!ul &ouse Greeting Cards changed my li!e. (ot ecause it made me rich. 5t didnt. 5t ga$e me ho%e that 5 could esca%e li$ing in %o$erty. The Boy /couts wouldnt need to ring me clothes and turkey dinners on Thanksgi$ing anymore. 8The Boy /couts deli$ered clothing and !ood to our home on Thanksgi$ing on a cou%le o! occasions. 5 remem er a%%reciating the clothes and !oodand hating eing needy.9 5 knew whate$er 5 was going to do when 5 was older" it would e selling.

5 was right. 5 disco$ered as a <F year old that the a ility to think Huickly and talk with %eo%le could gi$e me a chance to esca%e eing %oor and may e*ust may e e rich. /elling was hard work in some ways" ut it was !un. 5t certainly eat D%hysical work3E

/elling would gi$e me security" !reedom" inde%endence and the a ility to %roducti$e...to e $alua le to other %eo%le. 5t was something 5 could do well.

Fast !orward to<MM8.

Autumn /CCB

5 had een earning a si2 !igure income !or a !ew years. 5$e owned my own usiness" consulted or sold !or other %eo%le since <M8B. The idea o! recei$ing an hourly wage and %unching a time clock is almost a %ho ia. Business is good. 5 ha$e se$eral ooks in %rint including one" The -sychology o! -ersuasion" that is doing %retty darned well in the ookstoresBut 5 stalled. 5 stagnated. 5 was earning O<"FFF; O="FFF %er s%eech. (othing wrong with that ut 5$e een there and did that. (o one was o!!ering me more than that. 5 am a!!led. -eo%le com%are my s%eaking style to 1nthony .o ins and my %hysical and o!!stage

%resence to )elsey Grammar" +a$id :etterman and +rew Carey. (ow" what more could a guy want4 Thats enough talent to !eed o!! o! !or F7L. li!etimes.

0nter +ottie ,alters" the author o! D/%eak and Grow .ichE 8+ottie owns the worlds most %restigious s%eakers ureau and %u lishes /haring 5deas maga'ine !or national s%eakers.9

5 see her D/%eak and Grow .ichE course listed ne2t to mine in the 7%en L catalog. 5 ha$e no time to take a !ull day o!! and learn what 5 already know regardless o! who it is with. But !or years 5 ha$e een wanting to meet +ottie. /he would now e a out BF or may e olderand it was her ook" /%eak and

Grow .ich that hel%ed me !ocus my world into teaching and s%eaking in %u lic

!or a signi!icant %ortion o! my current li$ing. 5 decided to take the /aturday o!! and go see +ottie. 5! nothing else" 5 should thank her !or eing ins%irational in my li!e3 5 e2%erienced her class with a out =F other students. 5 en*oyed watching the woman s%eak !or @ hours. /he was a le to kee% the grou% enthralled with stories she had no dou t told !or decades. &er a%%roach was sim%le and somewhat Dgrandmotherly.E /he was kind and direct. 5 was in lo$e. 8(ot to mention watching her do ack o! the room sales was ins%iring39 5 didnt get what 5 came !or though. 5 hadnt really learned anything Dnew.E But 5 was in lo$e. 5 a%%roached her a!ter e$eryone had le!t the class and her grandson had !inished %acking the !ew ooks and $ideos that hadnt een snatched u% y the audience.

D+ottie" 5m )e$in &ogan. 5 want you to know you ha$e een an ins%iration in my career.E DThank you )e$in.E /he looked u% into my eyes. /he was tired. 5$e een here e!ore. The last %erson wants to kee% you !ore$er. #ou 859 ha$e een on stage !or si2 hours and you want to !ind the ed in the hotel and !all !lat on your !ace and ha$e them wake you in <@ hours !or reak!ast D+ottie" 5 want you to ha$e this.E 85 hand her my ook" The -sychology o! -ersuasion.9

DThank you dear.E 7.). )e$in" her rain is !ading. 0ither ask or get the hell out o! here. /he has a

date with a hotel %illow and you are eing as charming as a ottle o! mental +rano.

D+ottie" 5 ha$e one Huestion !or you. 5 ha$e een doing a out O<@FF %er s%eech !or the last cou%le o! years. 5t doesnt change. They dont o!!er more than O="FFF. ,hat do you suggest4 #ou tell me" 5ll do it. 1nything. ,hat is going to take me to the ne2t 8O@"FFFP9 le$el4E D&a$e you asked )e$in4E D-ardon me4E D&a$e you asked !or O@"FFF4E D,ell" not really. 5 meannoyou know" 5 ha$ent.E /he %ut her hand on my arm and %atted me like 5 was a little child. D,ell honey" *ust ask.E 8/he looked at my ook and smiled.9 DJust ask.E DThanks +ottie" 5 will.E 1s 5 walked out o! the door on that risk Minnea%olis a!ternoon 5 wondered *ust how stu%id 5 must ha$e looked. /uccess!ul author towers o$er sweet woman asking the dum est Huestion on the !ace o! the earth. Thank God no one would e$er know a out this moment.

$ast $o!wa!d: "ne #onth.

>a!ly 6inte! /CCB 5 ha$e a sore throat and a terri le cold. My nose is stu!!ier than it e$er has

een in it

s li!e. 5 !eel terri le. C(BC is on in the ackground. The market is not

doing well and 5m not making money today. 8ring9 D,ho could that e4E 5 talk to C(BC when no one else is around. D)e$in &ogan" can 5 hel% you4E 85t didnt sound like thatmay e they ought it on the other end.E D5s this +r. &ogan4E D#es it is.E 8+r. &ogan has actually le!t the uilding !or dead. This is his associate who has not yet succum ed to the !lu9 D7hyou sound terri lethis is .ichard Marks 8(ot his real name9 with the /ales 1ssociation 8(ot their real name either9.E D&ow can 5 hel% you4E D,ell we were at your we site and are looking !or a s%eaker !or our winter meeting in Minnea%olis. ,hat are you charging nowadays.E &ere it is" )e$in. #ou s%ent the last month !inishing" Talk #our ,ay to the To%. 5ts o$er. The ook is at -elican. ,hat are you going to tell this guy4 #our $oice sounds like hell. #ou$e *ust yelled at C(BC. #ou*ust ask" honey. Just ask. DO@"FFF is my !ee ut 5d sure like to know more a out your grou% and what you are looking !or.E .ichard tells me a out his grou%" tells me they want me to talk a out D ody languageE and asks i! 5 will settle on O?"FFF" which is what his udget is a%%ro$ed !or. ,hats the di!!erence etween ?) and @) anyway4 #oure working !or 7(0 &7L. )e$in4 #ou moron. 5ts an hour dri$e and you are working !or an

hour

.Just ask honey

*ust ask.

D(o" My !ee is O@"FFF and 5 think 5 can gi$e you e2actly what you are looking !or. 1n hour o! massi$e entertainment com ined with an hour o! data all ha%%ening simultaneously.E

D5ll ha$e to check !or a%%ro$al on O@"FFF. 5ll call you ack. Thanks )e$in" well talk soon.E 5 thought to mysel!" D#ou stu%id moron.E 8C(BC was running a commercial with .ingo /tarr in it5 could use a little hel% !rom my !riends.ingo 9 D,hat the heck are you thinking4 Guaranteed O?"FFF. Been %aid that once !or a !ull day" ne$er !or an hour and you say" O@"FFF. 5diot. 5diot. 5diot.E /ue &errara talks with .on 5nsana a out how the market is taking a hit today and 5m !eeling like a igger idiot y the micro;second. The %hone doesnt ring !or the rest o! the day.

$ast $o!wa!d: ;e?t day.

8.ing9

D)e$in &ogan.E DThat really you4E D,hos this4E D.ichard Marks.E D&i .ichard" good to hear your $oice.E 85ll take the O?"FFF. Just o!!er it again" now" and 5m yours.9

)e$in we got the O@"FFF a%%ro$ed and would like you to

. lah lah lah

lah8Get out o! here. +7TT50" 5 :7G0 #7L Just ask honey.5 ne$er dou ted you +ottie" 5 swear to*ust askand 5 wrote T&0 -/#C&7:7G# 7F -0./L1/57(. 5 mean" how long does it take to reali'e that you are una le to !ollow your own ad$ice*ust ask honey+7TT50" #7L 1.0 T&0 G.01T0/T9

D&ow does that sound )e$in4E D#es" a solutely" lets run through the details again. My head is !oggy !rom this !lu.E

+eal closed. Check recei$ed in A usiness days. That was the last time 5 dou ted that still small sweet $oice in my head. +ottie is with me always

&a$e you e$er su!!ered !rom low sel!;esteem4 ,e all do. 5 tell you this story ecause e$ery time 5 think o! it 5 remem er that 5m worth an enormous amount to %eo%le" to society" to my sel!. 5 also think o! my childhood ecause it reminds me that no matter how tough things get" they arent going to e that ad e$er again.

(esson /. Through the stories in this cha%ter you 5 was a le to teach you a out my dedication to my !amily when 5 was a child. #ou learned that 5 cared a out my !amily. #ou learned that 5 wanted to take care o! them.

(esson 1.

Through the stories in this cha%ter you learned my e2act %rocess o!

!inally asking to e %aid what 5 am worth. #ou saw my struggle with my own sel! esteem and disco$ered that you are a lot like me. 5! 5 can do it you can do it. That message was critical to get through !rom my conscious mind to your unconscious mind.

(esson 2. #ou now know that 5 ha$e een success!ul in the !ield o! in!luence and are there!ore more likely to acce%t what 5 tell you as !actual and there!ore you are more likely to act u%on those messages.

(esson 4. 5 ha$e disclosed %ersonal weaknesses to you so you know that 5 am not a su%ermannor do 5 think 5 am. 5! you want %eo%le to like you and res%ect you" you must let them know that you are not arrogant. #ou are *ust like they are.

Cha te! -h!e

-he $o!gotten A!t "+ (istenin

7ne o! the greatest gi!ts e$er estowed on mankind y God" Goddess" /%irit" ,akan Tanka" 1llah" Buddha" Fred" 0thelQ whate$er name you choose to call your higher elie! ; is the gi!t o! hearing. ,e hear things around us e$eryday and call this sound. /ound" 8auditory stimulus9" whether y music" Mother (ature" e$eryday s%eech or the words o! a lo$ed one" is a wonder!ul thing. But that is not what this cha%ter is a out at all.

Consider !or *ust a moment the magic o! listening. 5 want to talk with you a out the way we sometimes !orget to listen and egin to only hear %eo%le instead. 7r e$en worse yet" we egin to Dalready always knowE what the other %erson is saying and tune them out" making u% our own $ersion o! what they are trying to tell us. /ometimes we get so usy that we dont e$en listen to the words that the %eo%le we work with" interact with or e$en say we lo$e" are really saying. 5 want to discuss with you the !orgotten little things" which we tend to think as not im%ortant at all" such as not listening to the words o! those we dont lo$e. But may e we should. True listening is a magnetic and strangely elusi$e !orce sometimes" a creature that egs to e acknowledged. Just !or a moment" think a out the %eo%le in your %ast that you ha$e een attracted to or who ha$e made an im%ortant im%act on you. #ou know" the %eo%le in your li!e that ha$e made a di!!erence and hel%ed de$elo% who you are right now. Chances are these were the same %eo%le who didn't share the $ast knowledge o! li!e they had acHuired with you. The ones that %erha%s

we!en

'

gracious enough to estow u%on you the gi!t o! their worldly ad$ice. -eo%le

that !ound it unnecessary to entertain you with tall tales o! their li!e e2%eriences" o!!ering you insights 8i.e. ad$ice9 into your %ersonality that they deemed unworthy so that you could e more like themin other words: %er!ect. 5nstead" these %eo%le ga$e you one small gi!t" may e one that seemed insigni!icant at the time yet it was a enormously %recious gi!t. They ga$e you their time and their a ility to listen without *udgment.

,e ha$e all known %eo%le who when we egin to talk to them seem distracted" or way too eager to share their $ersion o! your story. #ou know the ones 5 mean. The ones that hear without listening" *ust waiting !or the right moment to %ounce in and tell your story in Dother wordsE. These are the %eo%le in our li$es that Dalready always knowE what you are a out to say. They ha$e their own !ilters o! what you are saying and antici%ate e$erything that is a out to come out o! your mouth" whether they ha$e guessed right or wrong. The %ro lem here is most o! the time they 1.0 wrong and its !rustrating to the %erson telling the story or sharing their emotions to ha$e to kee% re%eating themsel$es in the midst o! constant interru%tions" trying to regain control o! the con$ersation.

7!ten" as this ha%%ens" the narrator Huits in !rustration and clams u%" retreating inward and the mood o! the interaction etween the two %arties is endangered.

D&ey" you look great3 (ice tan3 &a$e you een on $acation4 D#es" Jeanie and 5 s%ent three weeks in &awaiiE DFantastic 5 was there once. ,hat did you two end u% doing4E

,ell" the !irst day we s%ent on the each rela2ing and then we went..

D7h3 Then you %ro a ly s%ent the rest o! the day at the $olcanos right4E D(o" we went..E D7) then you must ha$e gone snorkeling" 5 et the !ish were !antastic3E D(o" we *ust rested the !irst day ecause o! the %lane tri%. But then that night we..E

DThen you guys ML/T ha$e went to the nightly luau right" 5 et it was a lastQ all that good !ood and entertainmentE D(7" ,0 didntE. DThe what +5+ you two end u% doing there4E D(e$er mind" wasnt im%ortant. ,e *ust had a good time and came home.E (et the e!son s eaking tell -H>IR ve!sion o+ the sto!y

The !riends that really listen to us are the ones we mo$e toward" the ones we want to s%end time with" sitting in their D%resenceE" !eeling their warmth. They make us !eel good" com!orta le and secure. ,e can tell them our thoughts" dreams" ho%es. /hare our tears and shed the cloak o! our !ears" all without !ear o! criticism" *udgment or com%etition. The reason: ,hen someone listens to us" it hel%s to create <SQ makes <S un!old and e2%and oursel$es. 7ur ideas ha$e a %lace to e %lanted" germinate" grow within us and come to li!e. ,hen someone %ays attention" really listening to us instead o! *ust hearing us" listening without eing *udgmental" it allows and encourages us to

share our innermost thoughts" !eelings that we normally would e a!raid to s%eak ecause we are a!raid o! our words eing misinter%reted or ridiculed.

Hel someone c!eate themselves by listening to them

&a$e you e$er noticed i! a %erson laughs at your *okes you want to ecome !unnier" en*oying the acce%tance and egin stri$ing !or more attention4 1nd i! they +7(ET laughQ all time seems to sto%" e$ery millisecond seems like a week" your !ace egins to !eel !lushed and suddenly it gets $ery hot in the room. 0$ery little *oke" e$ery tiny s%eck o! humor inside you weakens and dies as you egin to Huestion your $ery right to reathe the earths air4 7k" so thats a it dramatic ut heres a !ew di!!erent scenarios that could e going on hereQ

. May e you sim%ly %icked the wrong *oke" not all humor is !unny to all %eo%le all the time. . May e you *ust cant T0:: a *oke. /adly" most o! us dont ha$e that talent and we still kee% trying in $ain to e !unny or worse yet" we elie$e we really are !unny and others *ust dont ha$e a sense o! humor. . May e others dont understand the *oke. 8-lease dont e2%lain it to us" i! we dont get it the !irst time" we ne$er will" we *ust gi$e that courtesy laugh ecause we !eel sorry !or you !or telling us lame *okes9 . May e" they already heard the *oke.

1nd !inally" may e" *ust may e they ha$e their own internal $ersion o! what is eing said. They ha$e

heard

you instead o!

listened

to you.

Know you! audience, use disc!imination and don't tell 8okes.

,hen you DlistenE to anothers words" then turn those words around to DhearE them in a di!!erent conte2t" you arent DlisteningE ut rather Dinter%retingE what they are saying" and shutting out what they really mean. -utting your own meaning on their thoughts. ,e all are guilty o! this at times. &umans are *ust uilt to e Dmeaning making machinesE and we %ut our %ri$ate stam% on e$erything that ha%%ens around us to make it understanda le to us.

But there are many ene!its to eing a good listener. 5t makes %eo%le ha%%y to e listened to. :istening is the golden keyQ it unlocks the secret treasure o2 o! ha$ing a good time in society ecause e$eryone around you suddenly ecomes li$ely and interesting. 5ts the secret o! com!orting %eo%le" o! doing them good" o! truly learning what and how your !riends" !amily" in !act e$eryone around you" $iews the world.

A good listene! is o+ten e!ceived as a b!illiant conve!sationalist.

(otice and ask yoursel! ; who do you go to !or ad$ice4 -ro a ly not to the hard" critical" %ractical %eo%le who tend to tell you e2actly what to doQ ut to the listeners ; the kindest" non;censoring" non;*udgmental %eo%le you know. 5t is ecause we !eel

at li erty to share our heart!elt out%ouring o! emotions" trialsJtri ulations and

%ro lems to them. 5ts ecause o! their non;*udgment" that we ecome aware o! what to do a out it oursel$es. ,e can all e our own est ad$isors i! we ha$e someone that is willing to gi$e us a neutral sounding oard to e2%ress our $iews and make our own decisions a out what to do with them. 5 8./9 once had a small A;year;old child as a client in my thera%y o!!ice that taught me more than any teacher 5$e e$er studied with. 5 was listening to him tell me a out how some o! the older kids were %icking on him in school. &e had told his %arents" his teachers" e$en the %rinci%leQ ut no one had elie$ed his story. They ke%t insisting he was eing Dtoo sensiti$eE and lowing things out o! %ro%ortion. &e couldnt understand why someone didnt elie$e his story. Then" in his $ery young ut wise way" he ga$e me some $ery $alua le ad$ice a out listening. &e said" DGod ga$e us two ears and one mouth" so that we could listen twice as much as we talkE. <se you! two ea!s and listen twice as much as you s eak.

7(ights down, cham agne ou!ed, candles litD cue the o!chest!a.9 .emem er when you !irst !ell in lo$e with that s%ecial %erson4 7r had that est date e$er with the man or woman o! your dreams4 #ou shared your dreams" ho%es and %lans with each other. #ou might ha$e listened intently to e$ery word the other said" ga'ing into one anothers eyes" hanging on e$ery thought. #ou made them !eel like they were the only one that mattered in the entire world" and they made you !eel

that way too. That night seemed to last !ore$er. (ice" wasn

t it4 #ou didn

t *ust

hear

each other" you

listened

to each other.

Then somewhere in the relationshi%" you might ha$e Huit listening. #ou egan to know each other so well that you !inished each others sentences and thoughts. #ou egan to hear instead o! listen to one another. #ou egan to %redict your %artners thoughts" ideas and e2%ected them to read your mind as well. #ou %ro a ly got !rustrated when your D%redictionsE didnt match their thoughts 8 ecause a!ter all" #7L. $ersion was right9. #ou might ha$e got e$en more !rustrated when they couldnt read your mind and you e2%ected them to DknowE what you meant e$en though you ne$er said it out loud. Then you might ha$e added two and two together" came out with three and !igured that the magic o! the relationshi% was lost. (o%e" you sim%ly Huit listening.

5n this wide" wide world there are truly rilliant %eo%le who can s%eak !or hours" wa2ing eloHuent on %oetry" literary works" art and who are truly !ascinating orators. They can talkQ gi$e lectures" s%eeches" ca%ti$ating us y e2%ressing their heart!elt emotions. They can ring a tear to our eyes and entertain us !or hours with their witty con$ersation.

#et some o! these same %eo%le can also ore us to tears and lea$e us !eeling e2hausted" as i! we ha$e *ust ran a =A;mile marathon. ,hy4 Because they ne$er listen. 5ts all a out them. But why does this !ailure to listen e2haust us4 -eo%le that dont gi$e us a chance" an o%%ortunity to share and e2%ress oursel$es" to e <S" %ut out our s%ark" our !lame. 5t is this s%ark" our s%irit" this !ire"

this water!all within us all that dri$es us" which makes us whole. This constant" e$er

changing !low o! energy is what makes us" <S. 5n our !ast %aced" !ast !ood" go" go" go" hurry u%Q were going to e late world" we ha$e a tendency to get o$er;tired" strained" o$er;stressed" and o$er;stimulated. ,e ha$e no solitude into which we can retreat to. ,e get too usy" talk to too many %eo%le during the course o! our day" o$ere2tend oursel$es so that our water!all o! energy gets dirty and dim" co$ered with the slime" mud" sticks" stones and gar age o! li!e. The result is that we sto% li$ing !rom the inside" !rom that water!all o! energy within us and start li$ing li!e !rom the outside" the e2ternal. ,e sto% listening and egin hearing. ,e %lod along" day to day" going through the motions o! li!e without truly li$ing.

Many times" y not gi$ing us a chance to talk" not letting us e2%ress our innermost thoughts and desires" that water!all egins to Ddry u%E insidewe dont allow new ideas and thoughts to s%ring u%" we su%%ress une2%ected things within oursel$es" like laughter" silliness and wisdom. May e that is why when someone has truly listened to you" really een 5(/5+0 you" listened with !ascinated ra%t attention" made #7L !eel like you were the most im%ortant %erson on earth to them" you !eel etter" lighter" more at %eace with e$erything around you.

Beginning tomorrow" instead o! thinking" D5 must share mysel! with e$eryone 5 meet today. 5ll e gregarious" outgoing" socia le and !unny. 5ll e someone %eo%le will listen to and admire !or my wit" my talent and charmEQ why not allow yoursel! to

truly

listen

. (ot *ust

hea!

someone s%eak" ut !ocus on

listening

to them" e in their shoes when they talk" see the world through their eyes" e2%erience li!e !rom someone else

s %oint o! $iew instead o! eing com%elled to e2%ress your own.

Cha te! $ou! A!guing with the Intent to Ha!m

-he A!gumentative Communicato! :isten without *udgment or ad$ice. 1llow the %erson talking to show their soul to you.

Treat them like they were the most im%ortant %erson on earth. (ow is their time to shine in +o you en*oy %laying the de$ilCs ad$ocate4 1re you constantly o!!ering your o%%osing the light" to take center stage and to e the star attraction. o%inion when it is not asked !or4 +o you !ind yoursel! saying the word R utR o!ten in your They may e a little taken ack and unsure at !irst that it is %ossi le to trust you not to con$ersation with others4 #ou may e an argumentati$e talker. There is an e!!ecti$e way to interru%t" to not try and show them u% or *udge them" ecause $ery !ew %eo%le" i! anyone in take an o%%osing $iew" ut it may destroy ra%%ort. There is a way to gi$e your o%inion" ut it their li$es ha$e e$er taken the time to listen. may e recei$ed as unwanted ad$ice. ,hen you continue to o%%ose the comments o! your 1!ter all" listening IS a !orgotten" !ine art. /o ecome a great artist. Gra your rush and listener" you run the risk o! making them !eel wrong" stu%id" or unin!ormed. start %racticing the art o! listening instead o! sim%ly hearing. )ee% %racticing and when you think you ha$e it down to a science" go %ractice some more.
Men and women seem to $iew communication di!!erences in di!!erent ways. 5 o!ten notice that men will say" Rwe had a de ateR or Ran intense con$ersationR and women will indicate that they had Ra !ightR or an Rargument.R (owgo %aint your master%iece. The argumentati$e communicator" whether a man or a woman should e aware that their communication e!!orts may immediately e %ercei$ed as a R!ightR 8the worst o! the !our a o$e la els9 regardless o! the intent o! the communicator. 5 ha$e a con!ession to make. 5 was in de ate in high school and like Jack ,elch 8!ormer C07 o! G09 5 !ind a good de ate stimulating and enlightening. +e ate generally can e descri ed as a structured discussion where indi$iduals cite e$idence a out an issue in an attem%t to %ersuade another %erson. +e ate

is an intellectual %rocess where it is 7) and %re!era le to e Rright.R ,hile 5 do

en*oy de ating $ery much" 5 do not en*oy arguing" which is emotionally ased. 1rguing is where two or more %eo%le disagree a out some su *ect" they raise their $oices and make the discussion %ersonal y %redicting the other %ersonCs intentions and then assigning lame or la eling %eo%le as Dstu%idE or something eHually as di$isi$e.

,hatCs the di!!erence then etween de ate and an argument4 5n de ate we cite e$idence with the intent to $alidate our %oint o! $iew. +e ate is all a out intellectual con!lict where %eo%le Try and %ersuade each other who is right and who has the est e$idence. 5n arguments we cite e$idence" make claims a out the negati$e intention o! the other %ersonCs eha$ior" and ecome $ery emotional to the %oint where a%ologies will e in order a!ter the communication is !inished ecause one or oth %arties will ha$e their !eelings hurt. 5n an argument the indi$idual !eels attacked. ,hen the attack is %ercei$ed as hostile" with intention to harm" 5 call this a R!ight.R

-erce%tions are tricky things. 7ne %erson may e sim%ly de ating or discussing a su *ect intellectually with no intent to harm. The other %erson may %ercei$e such communication as intending to harm them and they !eel as i! they are in a !ight with a need to de!end themsel$es instead o! their %oint o! $iew3 /ometimes it takes Huite a long time !or the %erson who is de ating to come to the disco$ery and conclusion that the other %erson is u%set and !ighting.

There are no easy and clearly de!ined answers to ra%idly determine whether

someone thinks you are arguing" !ighting" de ating or discussing. There!ore it is $ital to ask i! itCs R7) to ha$e this con$ersationR or at least smile. 5tCs also im%ortant to kee% sarcasm out o! discussions and de ates i! it isnCt o $ious to the other %erson that you are ha$ing !un with them...instead o! %oking !un at them. The argumentati$e communicator needs to e right. They want to de!eat their o%%onent as i! the dining room or oardroom is a courtroom where only one %erson can Rwin.R 5n inter%ersonal communications or in usiness" itCs critical to remem er that itCs $ery easy !or no one to win. This doesnCt mean to sto% disagreeing or intellectually %ursuing what is good and right. 5t is $ery im%ortant to make sure those we ha$e discussions with do not !eel attacked.

There!ore its im%ortant to make your intention known to your %artner and to tease out the intention in their communication i! you !eel attacked. Con+lict is cent!al to change and !og!ess in li+e, !eligion, science and !elationshi s. There is an additional %ro lem. #ou and 5 oth know that we o!ten take %ossession o! our ideas as i! they were our identity. -eo%le %rotect their ideas and elie!s like drug addicts do their drugs. 5! %eo%leCs ideas and $er ali'ed thoughts are always e2%erienced at the le$el o! oneCs identity" then all de ate will ecome %ercei$ed as !ighting or arguing. There!ore" when this %attern o! communication eru%ts itCs im%ortant to se%arate the idea !rom the %erson. This

doesnCt sto% discussion and de ates !rom ecoming arguments and !ights ut it does add clarity to the con$ersation.

Always discuss the issue and leave the e!son alone i+ ossible3

5! you are discussing something with someone and they %ercei$e you as argumentati$e" 5 suggest you ask the %erson" R&ow can 5 %resent counter e2am%les and other %oints o! $iew to you so that you are not o!!ended and your !eelings are not hurt4R 5 thought o! this wonder!ul Huestion many times when it was sim%ly too late to ask.

5! you e2%erience numerous %eo%le saying things like" Ryou *ust lo$e to argue donCt you4R or Rwhy do you always argue with meR or R5 donCt want to !ight with you"R then regardless o! whether you are !ighting with %eo%le or not you need to reconsider your a%%roach to communication so you are %ercei$ed as less a rasi$e.

Many times %eo%le who are intellectuals 8whether they are Rintellectual sno sR or not39 are considered argumentati$e sim%ly ecause they ha$e such a road or dee% knowledge a out something that they are constantly the indi$idual with su%erior knowledge a out a su *ect. This can lead others to !eeling in!erior. 5n these situations it can e use!ul !or the %erson %ercei$ed as su%erior and there!ore the one who o!ten %uts others Ron edgeR or Ron the de!ensi$eR to reduce the num er o! $er ali'ations in a communication and Rtighten u% their

communication.R Make long s%eeches shorter. 1sk more Huestions and ha$e

!ewer total words s%oken in dialogue. .emem er: ,here one %erson seems to know e$erything" the other %erson is not necessary...or at least thatCs how they !eel.

Most rilliant %eo%le got that way ecause they were incredi ly inHuisiti$e. This too can ecome a %ro lem3 1sking Huestions o! others is a great way to learn a out how others !eel" think and elie$e ut elie$e it or not...there are lines that can e crossed here as well3

Many %eo%le %rocess their RthoughtsR through their R!eelings.R #ou can ask someone what they are thinking and they will say" R5 donCt know"R RnothingR" Rnot much"R Rnothing im%ortant"R and so on. These %eo%le arenCt %lanning ma*or li!e e$ents in their mind" they are sim%ly in the moment...in their !eelings and ecause they %rocess in!ormation di!!erently !rom $er ali'ing thinkers" they o!ten !eel inadeHuate in a relationshi% or are %egged as %oor communicators. 5n !act" they may not e good communicators ut they can im%ro$e their communication skills i! others donCt %ut an enormous amount o! %ressure on them.

5! you are a %erson who takes time to %rocess e2ternal in!ormation and you donCt communicate well a out in!ormation you ha$e *ust recei$ed" a good strategy to a%%ear more com%etent is to say things like" R5 need to consider what youC$e said...to %onder it.R R:et me think a out what youC$e said. 5Cd like to talk

with you tomorrow a out it" when 5C$e taken the time it deser$es.R RMy initial

reaction is %ositi$e and 5Cd like to take some more time to consider it.R ,hat this does is allow the two %arties to know that there is no %ro lem with what was communicated y the $er ali'ing %arty and that they are indeed considering the in!ormation" not ignoring it as $er ali'ers o!ten !eel others are doing Rto them.R

R(on;$er ali'ersR 8%eo%le who use !ew words in the course o! a day or a con$ersation9 o!ten ecome angry when they are asked to e2%ress more than they already ha$e said. This leads them to argue !rom their !eeling ase. R,hy do you always make me !eel ad.R R#ouCre mean.R R#ou donCt res%ect my !eelings.R They might raise their $oice and re%eat the same sets o! !eelings or thoughts o$er and o$er and they are now arguing.

5nstead" the Rnon$er ali'erR can share in!ormation like this. R5Cm starting to get u%set ut itCs ecause 5Cm not a le to %ut my !eelings into words yet. 5Cm not u%set with you and 5 donCt want to e" so let me %onder this and letCs talk again tomorrow a out it.R

Meanwhile" the R$er ali'erR 8%eo%le who share lots o! in!ormation...almost streams o! in!ormation in communication9 get u%set and angry when others donCt res%ond in like kind. /omeone who communicates @F out o! AF minutes will !eel the other %erson is Rholding ackR or Rco$ering u%R or that they *ust donCt care. These things u%set the R$er ali'erR and once u%set" as with all communication

a out to go wrong...emotions will get the est o! the $er ali'er and communication will deteriorate ra%idly. Because the $er ali'er is a le to deli$er words in large $olume and s%eed" the $er ali'er also is more likely to e deemed argumentati$e when she gets u%set. &er $oice will raise and ecome angry.

The $er ali'er needs to share their !eelings now. R5Cm starting to ecome angry ecause 5 !eel as i! you are not sharing with me what 5Cm asking you !or. 1m 5 reading you right4R 5tCs $ery im%ortant that the non$er ali'er doesnCt take this communication as R lamingR ecause the non$er ali'er is y de!inition someone who doesnCt communicate as much and certainly not as Huickly as a $er ali'er.

,hat can you do i! you are dealing with an argumentati$e communicator that you ha$e to deal with4 <. Tell the %erson you donCt en*oy arguing ut that you will discuss o%tions and ideas.

=. Tell the %erson you res%ect their %oint o! $iew ut disagree. >. 5! necessary" tell the %erson that this su *ect is something you donCt wish to continue discussing ecause it is %ersonal or $olatile. 8This is 7) !or usiness o! course ut not going to do the trick in long term relationshi%s.9

?. /%eak your %oint o! $iew clearly and what it would take !or you to ree$aluate your %oint o! $iew.

@. 1sk the %erson" 5s eing right more im%ortant than your !eelings4R 85n other words" what is at stake4 /a!ety4 :i!eJ+eath4 /ome long term issue4

or 5s it a out whether you sHuee'e the tooth%aste !rom the middle or end....9

A. /uggest the %erson !rame their comments in a more gentle !ashion. R5 know you arenCt saying that to attack me" it *ust hurts when you say it that way.R

B. R5nstead o! yelling" allow yoursel! to s%eak calmly and then 5Cll e a le to listen to you etter.R

8. R5! you sto% calling me names when we talk" 5Cd e a lot less de!ensi$e. +eal4R

,hat can you do i! you are an argumentati$e communicator4 <. 1sk more Huestions. =. Be interested in how the other %eo%le in your li!e came to elie$e and think what they think.

>. Be aware that not e$eryone %ercei$es discussion" de ate" arguing and !ighting in the same way. Find out what those im%ortant to you elie$e a out each o! these things.

?. 1sk the im%ortant %eo%le in your li!e s%eci!ically how you can communicate with them to hel% them know you donCt want to argue ut discuss.

@. +etermine why you need to e RrightR or make someone else RwrongR in heated communications.

A. 1lways think o! your intention. 5! your intention is gentle. /%eak more Huietly. -eo%le associate Huieter tones and gentler intentions. B. /how %eo%le you care in ways other than $er ally so they know you care when you do argue.

8. 5! you !ind yoursel! getting into a heated discussion" ask the other %erson i! they !eel you are arguing or discussing. 1sk what the di!!erence would e !or them.

M. 1sk your !riendJassociationJ%artner how you can communicate without gi$ing the a%%earance o! arguing.

<F.Be certain that you make clear your intention so it is not misunderstood3

Cha te! $ive

C!iticism: .eing so 7Honest9 it Hu!ts

C!itic: a %erson who *udges" e$aluates critici'es or analy'es. 1 %erson who tends to readily to !ind !ault o! make harsh *udgments.

C!iticism: attacking someoneCs %ersonality or character" usually with lame" instead o! a s%eci!ic eha$ior.

Com laint: targeting a s%eci!ic eha$ior instead o! o$erall %ersonality or character

7Sticks and Stones can b!eak my bones, .ut wo!ds can neve! hu!t me9.

Care to %lace a small wager on that4 The est odds makers in :as Gegas wouldnt touch that one with a ten;!oot %ole in their worst nightmares. ,e$e all heard that nursery rhyme time and time again and most o! us know !ar too well that words can and do indeed cause %ain" re*ection and can hurt us s%iritually" emotionally" mentally and %hysically. +octors may mend roken ones daily ut modern medicine and those that %ractice it still ha$ent" a!ter eons o! study" !igured out to mend a heart that has een trashed and tossed aside or a

s%irit that has een roken and !ractured y the

well meant

critiHue or ad$ice o!

someone close. May e you know someone whose sense o! sel!" their own internal $iew o! who they are" has een damaged y words s%oken to them and what they ha$e allowed those words to mean in their li!e. May e you know that %erson $ery" $ery well %erha%s

1aron gets into his !irst car accident two short months a!ter getting his license. &e calls his dad !rom the scene o! the accident" assures him that no one is hurt" and reaks the news that the car totaled. D5 knew 5 shouldnCt ha$e let you get your license so young"E yells his dad. D#oure *ust not a res%onsi le enough %erson" youll ne$er amount to anything in li!eE.

,ords can hurt. They do hurt" and sadly we o!ten allow them ecome %ermanent sources o! %ain that we carry with us throughout our li$es. #ou may know the kind o! words that 5 am re!erring too. The cutting remarks s%oken in anger. The %utdowns and ridicule. The un!air com%arisons. /arcasms and mockery. Those %earls o! wisdom or ad$ice" the Dconstructi$e criticismE that hurts dee% into our souls. Those are the $er al actions. But there are also se$eral ty%es o! non$er al criticisms that we consciously or unconsciously" whether we intend to or not" do e$eryday also. /uch actions as not %aying attention to someone when they are s%eaking" %icking lint o!! our clothes while someone is s%eaking to us" staring out a window" ecoming

distracted" s%eaking o$er the to% o! someone else" interru%ting" daydreaming"

%utting them aside till a more con$enient time" etc. These are all ways o! non$er ally letting someone know" Dwhat you ha$e to say doesnt interest meEQ D5 ha$e no res%ect !or your o%inionE D#ou dont countE. 0$en the sim%le act o! ignoring someone tells him or her" Dyoure not good enough !or me to %ay attention tooE.

,hether it e $er al or non$er al" intended or not" one !act a out criticism remains true:

C!iticism is the !etty g!een snake o+ li+eD it can look innocent and beauti+ul to one e!son and deadly to anothe!.

D5m only telling you this !or your own goodE" D5! 5 didnt tell you" who would4E D5! 5 didnt lo$e you so much" 5 wouldnt say this BLTE D5! you were more like your rotherE.E1re you normally this stu%id or do you work at it4E DCant you do 1(#T&5(G right4E /ound !amiliar4 &as someone you ha$e known e$er started out a sentence with the words" D,ell" i! you really want to know what 5 thinkE4 1nd how o!ten did you really want to know their o%inion4 #ou could %ro a ly count all those times on one hand and still ha$e !i$e !ingers le!t o$er3

-eo%le many times e2%ress their o%inions or critiHues in the course o! our day

and mask them with a %re!ace o! D*ust eing totally honestE or D ecause 5 lo$e youE. Many o! them %ro a ly dont e$en reali'e or are aware that they are causing %ain to the %erson they are s%eaking to. The truth is" the $ery words they s%eak carry a message !ar greater than they e$er could reali'e. ,e tend to want the acce%tance" the a%%ro$al o! the %eo%le we are in contact with. The dee%er the relationshi% with the %erson" the more they mean to us" the more we cra$e their recognition" their lo$e and their res%ect. ,hen we are hurt !rom their words it cuts us dee%er than any kni!e e$er could and has the %otential to do more damage than %hysical wea%ons. Many %eo%le la el their words Dconstructi$e criticismE or Dad$iceE ut in reality there is a $ery" $ery !ine line etween constructi$e and destructi$e. 1nd most o! us know the di!!erence etween gi$ing or recei$ing welcomed !eed ack and $er al a use. 5 8./9 know there ha$e een times in my li!e when 5C$e hurt my s%ouse" my children" %arents" and !riends with careless words that 5 s%oke without thinking" or those that words accidentally sli%%ed out o! my mouth in a moment o! anger. Those times when my si'e M S !oot somehow seemed to make itCs way u% and lodge itsel! in my mouth e!ore 5 knew it. TheyC$e all done the same thing to me. (ot out o! meanness or cruelty. ,e$e all done it at some %oint and most o! us regret %utting our mouths in gear e!ore our rains caught u% with our thoughts. But there are classes o! %eo%le who deli erately use words as wea%ons" with the intent o! in!licting as much emotional in*ury as %ossi le. The

things they say donCt *ust !eel like a sla% in the !aceQ they !eel like a kni!e twisting in the gut. -erha%s that old nursery rhyme should really read"

7#y bones can heal +!om sticks and stones, .ut wo!ds hu!t me +o!eve!9

Lsing words as wea%ons !or $er al war!are is a %ractice that is as old as human language" ut we still dont gi$e them the attention they deser$e. ,hile we may ha$e made great ad$ances in understanding the damage that mental" %hysical and se2ual a use can do" many %eo%le ha$e still not reali'ed the damage that our words can do to in*ure others" o!ten in!licting dee%er" more long lasting wounds than %erha%s with our !ists.

.esearch studies ha$e shown that criticism is Huickest way to oth diminish a %ersonCs sel! image and %oison a relationshi%. (o one en*oys eing around a critical %erson. ,hether those words come !rom our s%ouses or signi!icant other" em%loyer" !riends or e$en total strangers" we tend shut down inside" shutting out the words that hurt us and we sto% listening.

It is easie! to be c!itical than to be co!!ect. Dis!aeli

,hen someone critici'es us we dont DhearE the words as an adult would ut rather as a small child would inter%ret those words. +ee% inside us" uried in the

8=

layers o! our su conscious mind" lies that young child that $irtually controls" or at

the $ery least" seriously in!luences" our thoughts and res%onses" our actions" our e2%eriences and our de!initions. 1dults %rocess language through our childhood !ilters and de$elo% our meanings o! those words ased on our childhood e2%eriences and elie!s a out oursel$es.

,e e2%erience an inter%ret criticism as attack. +e%ending on our dis%osition" when critici'ed we either !old and crum le e!ore the words we %ercei$e as harsh or we !ight ack in de!ense. The times we !old" we may stand em arrassed and ashamed" mum ling a%ologies like chastened children e!ore an angry %arent reli$ing and elie$ing the critical words as truth and internali'ing our eha$ior" adding to the mountain o! negati$e sel! esteem and sel! worth. #et in the animal kingdom" o!ten the est de!ense is a good o!!ence and the human animal is no di!!erent in that res%ect o! !ighting ack. 1n aggressi$e counterattack is the more common res%onse to criticism. The asic %rinci%le is that the est way to o$ercome looking or !eeling small and $ulnera le or under attack is to get angry" !ierce" looking ig and critici'e ack. 5n this sense" the ty%ical incident o! criticism etween two %eo%le has each !eeling little and $ulnera le inside ut acting ig and scary on the outside. 5n such a relationshi%" gi$ing and recei$ing criticism tends to ecome reacti$e and retaliatory" something likeQ 5 am going to hurt you ecause you are hurting me. 1!ter time" this cycle re%eated eha$ior could lead to the %erson !ormerly recei$ing the criticism ecoming the aggressor in any gi$en situation. The reacti$e cycle then ecomesQ

5 am going to hurt you

B0F7.0

you can hurt me

The %erson with this ty%e eha$ior %attern tends to ecome withdrawn and e$en more sel!;critical which mani!ests itsel! in e$en harsher critiHue o! others.

6e should become ve!y thought+ul o+ the o inions o+ othe!s. A+te! all, the!e can always be th!ee sides to a cont!ove!sy EE you!s, thei!s and the !ight one....

<nde!standing C!iticism &uman eings are conce%tuali'ers" storytellers" and thinkers. 7ur main communication medium is language. ,e are meaning making machines. ,e ha$e to %lace our stam%" our $ersion or hallucination o! reality on e$erything that enters our minds. ,e ha$e to ha$e a meaning i.e." our inter%retation o! the e$ent" in order to %rocess the in!ormation so our minds can then take the a%%ro%riate actions. ,e all egin constructing a story a out li!e and our relationshi% to it almost !rom the moment we are orn. 5n a sense" each o! us not only has a story ut also is the story. ,e write our li!e scri%t" our mo$ie" in which we are the main character. ,e are the heroes. ,e get to choose the scenes" setting and a%%ro%riate music !or our theme song. Things ha%%en to us. /ome good things" some ad things. ,e take actions. ,e witness e$ents and outcomes. ,e make decisions" some good ones and some ad ones. ,e ha$e good guys and ad guys. ,e draw conclusions. 1nd then we wea$e it all into an on going" always

consistent" ne$er ending narrati$e ta%estry ased u%on our uniHue hallucination o! reality around us.

The main theme o! our story" our li!e scri%t" is our sense o! sel!Q who we are or etter yet" who we elie$e we are. 7ur li!e scri%t and who we ecome is hea$ily in!luenced y what we were told when we were young and what we chose to elie$e a out oursel$es at that time. ,ere we told that we were smart or stu%id4 :a'y or hardworking4 1re our si lings really etter than us4 1re we eauti!ul" handsome or homely4 1re we destined to e rich or %oor4 1re we su%%osed to act the role o! the $ictim or the hero4 1re we %art o! an elite grou% or a %ersecuted minority4 1 good %erson or a ad %erson4 1 winner or a loser4

,hen we were o!!ered each o! these $iews" which o! these scenarios did we elie$e a out oursel$es at the time" acce%t them as truth and allowed them to e em edded in our young su conscious minds and ecome reality !or us when we grew older4

6he!e C!itical .elie+s "!iginate ,hen we were children" our world was ty%ically $ery smallQ it consisted mainly o! our %arents" teachers and other grownu%s that we automatically la eled as the authorities on this e2citing new world we were orn into. ,e were %ositi$e they knew what they are talking a out. They had to know e$erything. They had seen it all we thought" they had een there" done that and their words must e right.

5n this %icture" it is only natural that we designed our stories" our scri%ts" a out oursel$es ased on the de!initions" e2am%les and in!luences that our %arents" our teachers and those other authority !igures that we knew were right had gi$en us. They %ro$ided our asis !or our imagined strengths and weaknesses" whether or not those de!initions were in our own est interests.

To etter understand the im%act o! critical language on children" it is $ital to understand that children hear and %rocess language di!!erently !rom adults. They take things said more literally than adults and tend to elie$e without Huestion" es%ecially when those ideas and statements come !rom an authority !igure. ,hen we were young children we didnt %articularly ha$e the intellectual maturity to Huestion our e$aluation o! our %arents" to let their words roll o! us like water on a ducks ack.

02am%leQ we are >;years;old and *ust s%illed orange *uice all o$er our clothes at reak!ast and our stressed out" late !or work %arents yelled" DCanCt you drink that without making a mess o! yoursel!4E Ty%ically we didnt think: D#ou know" 5 think my %arents ha$e too high e2%ectations o! me. They ha$e %laced u%on me $ery unrealistic goals !or the short time 5$e een on earth. 5 am only >;years;old. 1s a matter o! !act" 5 would say that the ma*ority o! my !ellow nursery school !riends come to school with some %ortion o! their reak!ast on their shirt. /o 5 am not going to let this other me3E ,ell" at least" most o! us didnt anyway.

1s children we acce%ted their e$aluation o! us. ,e didn

t ask Huestions" we *ust

o eyed. 5! they said we couldnt drink without making a mess" we must ecome that mess. 5ronically" when we ecome our %arents negati$e %ro*ection it is a !orm o! Rhonoring our %arents.R 1 DgoodE child listens to what their %arent tells them and acce%ts it as truth" o!ten literally and we are %re;%rogrammed y our %arents" teachers and other authority !igures to e DgoodE children. ,hen the grownu% in our li!e says" Ryou are stu%id"R we acce%t that we are stu%id. ,hen they ask why we Dcant do anything right"E we acce%t our incom%etence as a Dtrue;ismE. ,hen we are told that we are a D ad oyE or D ad girlE naturally we assume this must e true. ,e might e$en try harder to e good. But all the while we know dee% inside in our hearts that we must e ad. 1!ter all" mother or !ather knows est" dont they4

Children ha$ent yet de$elo%ed the critical !aculty that allows adults to e$aluate new in!ormation" re*ecting or acce%ting it ased on our %ast e2%erience. 5n their short li$es they sim%ly ha$ent accumulated the li!e e2%eriences and de!initions to ase those decisions on yet. Children are listening and watching !orming their little %ictures o! whom they are and how li!e is. 1nd they generally elie$e what they are told literally" whether that %icture is %ositi$e or negati$e. &ow else could we con$ince them that a !at old man with a snow white eard" wearing a red $el$et suit" riding in a sleigh %ulled y !lying reindeer" will come down their chimney 8e$en i! there 5/(ET one9 with a ag o! %resents *ust !or them e$ery +ecem er =@ th" ut only i! they

eha$e themsel$es the entire rest o! the

year4 ,ow" 5

d lo$e to meet the %arent that came u% with

T&1T

story to make

their kids eha$e.

5n an ideal world we would all !ind the right words to say e2actly what we mean" e su%%orti$e and nurturing" monitoring our language and words !or %ossi le harm. But ours is not an ideal world. ,e are the o$erworked" under%aid" o$erstressed" unrecogni'ed" !ast !ood" take;out" 5 want it now and 5 wont wait" stick Iem in !ront o! the T.G." terrorism stuck generation and we were taught to down%lay the im%ortance o! language. 1s a result" many o! us %ass down the same kind o! negati$e linguistic style that our %arents used to raise us" es%ecially when we lose our tem%ers e$en a little it. ,e re$ert ack to !amiliar %atterns" %laying out old scenarios. 5! it was good enough !or us" its good enough !or our kids. ,e didnt turn out so ad did we4 This isnt meant to im%ly that our %arents were ad %eo%le" they *ust might not ha$e een aware o! what they were really saying and how our minds inter%reted their words.

,e may tell our children that they are la'y when we want them to learn that hard work rings rewards. ,e may tell them they are irres%onsi le when we want them to take on res%onsi ilities. ,e may tell them they are sel!ish when we wish them to e generous.

5! we are married or in a relationshi% we may o$erlook the reasons we !ell in lo$e with our %artners and erate the little things they do as D ugging us on %ur%oseE. ,e react harshly to %ercei$ed indignities and !ind !ault with them. ,e allow oursel$es to de$elo% Dhot uttonsE that are rooted in our %ast that we a%%ly

to our current %artners and then we lash out with criticism when we are tired and

stressed !rom our day and need a whi%%ing %ost !or which to land our !rustrations.

+r. John Gottman" a Lni$ersity o! ,ashington %ro!essor" author o! DThe /e$en -rinci%les 7! Making Marriage ,orkE 8Gottman and /il$erQ Crown -u lishing Grou%" <MMM9 is %erha%s the %re;eminent scholar o! human relationshi%s and has studied communication %atterns in married cou%les and is a le to %redict with M?K accuracy which ones will di$orce. &e has !ound that criticism is one o! !our distinct communication eha$ior that leads some cou%les straight to di$orce court i! it ha%%ens o!ten enough. 1nother use!ul insight Gottman has !ound is that men ha$e less %hysiological ca%acity !or con!lict than their wi$esQ they are more easily o$erwhelmed y marital stress and !ind it harder to reco$er a!terwards. Men ty%ically withdraw emotionally while women use an argument to $ent their !eelings" he says. 5! she makes the mistake o! critici'ing or attacking her hus and right !rom the start" the damage to the con$ersation is usually irre%ara le.

7ne techniHue to %re$ent emotions !rom ecoming an all out $er al assault is to aim !or a Dcom%laintE8targeting a s%eci!ic eha$ior9 rather than a DcriticismE 8attacking a %erson directly9 when addressing %ro lems" ad$ises Gottman. D#ou !orgot to take out the gar ageE stings !ar less than D5 hate you when you !orget to take out the gar age3 ,hy canCt you remem er to do it4E y using this method your %artner is more likely to com%ly with the desired wishes.

5n our research into what makes marriages workJnot work" we ha$e !ound that there are generally si2 %rime sign o! the health o! the relationshi%.

P!ime Signs o+ Relationshi Health

. Ab!asive Sta!t < E /tarting or eginning an argument or discussion with accusations" criticisms or sarcasm. Con$ersations that egin this way seem to e doomed to not resol$e issues.

P!ime Sign

. C!iticismE!ocusing lame" name calling and *udgment rather than the s%eci!ic eha$ior

. Contem tE Contem%t %oisons the relationshi% y con$eying disgustQ sarcasm" cynicism" eye rolling" name;calling" mockery are all !orms o! contem%t. This eha$ior leads to more con!lict and is o!ten the !ueled y long standing negati$e thoughts a out your %artner.

. De+ensivenessE returning the $er al $olley o! hurt only ser$es to continue the cycle o! criticism. This tends to escalate con!lict $ery ra%idly.

Shutting DownE

sometimes called

turtle;ing

" this is the act o! not res%onding or shutting down" retreating !rom a %artner. /ometimes re!erred to as

the silent treatment

. This act only ser$es to escalate the argument.

P!ime Sign . >motionally "ve!whelmedE7ne %erson ecomes o$erwhelmed with intense !eelings and !eels the only way to a$oid those !eelings is to retreat in the relationshi%. This leads directly to the %erson a!!ected shutting down and retreating into himsel! or hersel! $ery o!ten ringing with them highly critical non;s%oken o ser$ations and !eelings a out their %artners that !ester internally" %oisoning the relationshi% until the a!!ected %arty D lows their %ressure cookerE" ty%ically reacting to a small %ro lem in a huge !ashion" releasing all the %ent u% emotions all at once.

P!ime Sign . .ody (anguageE -hysiological or non;$er al critiHues such as ignoring" mockery" eye rolling" distraction that can %ush %eo%le into D!ight or !lightE systems. This is not the state where acti$e %ro lem sol$ing can e done.

P!ime Sign

$ailed Attem ts at Damage Cont!olE

#ou can ha$e all o! these indicators in your relationshi%" ut still e success!ul with re%airing the damage. 1 sim%le

:et

s take a walk

or a shared memory 8G77+ 7(0/ 7(:#39 can re%air the damage o! an argument. This can e hard ecause on some le$el you must take res%onsi ility !or yoursel! and your actions.

P!ime Sign . .!inging u the PastE Cou%lesJ-artners entrenched in %ast negati$ity will rewrite the !uture toward that negati$ity. Bringing u% the %ast to e used again time a!ter time in the !uture is one o! the ma*or causes o! relationshi% !ailure.

Gottman also re$eals signi!icant male and !emale di!!erences in marriage. .esearch shows that women tend to com%lain and critici'e while males tend to retreat and withdraw. This is due in %art to a manCs tendency to hear criticism as contem%t. This e2%lains why a manCs lood %ressure surges higher than his %artners. &e hears this negati$e criticism as contem%t !or who he is as a %erson" whereas she does not !ilter the negati$ity as he does. 5n !act" it o!ten takes only the arri$al o! or indication o! criticism to egin to emotionally o$erwhelm most men. Men ty%ically a$oid emotional con!licts y going o!! y themsel$es" retreating !rom attle so to s%eak. 5! you ask a male that has retreated !rom a con!lict with his %artner to descri e his state o! mind" he o!ten says" D5 am trying not say something 5ll regret laterE. &e thinks hes idling along neutral and making

things etter e$en though his %artner may inter%ret his silence as an act o!

hostility. /he cant understand how a sim%le critiHue can a!!ect a male in the way that it does ecause she doesnt get emotionally o$erwhelmed in the same way. /he reacts when !eeling unlo$ed. &e reacts when !eeling disres%ected. 1 $icious cycle results !rom the criticism and withdraw %attern. This cycle may e descri ed as Demotional hearingE. /ince research has shown that men and women hear and inter%ret criticism in di!!erent ways" the male may ty%ically hear his %artners critiHue as disres%ect. The Catch;== o! criticism;lo$eres%ect ecomes without lo$e" a wi!e reacts without res%ect" and without res%ect" a hus and reacts without lo$e.

C!iticism in the 6o!k lace 0arly !olklore hero" +a$y Crockett had a sim%le motto that he li$ed his li!e yQ RMake sure you are right" then go ahead.R 0$ery one o! us" *ust as e$ery success!ul %erson you will e$er meet in your li!etime" will sometime !ace moments o! criticism. 5ts how you handle that critiHue" how you deal with the emotions that criticism rings" that will determine your success or !ailure.

(o matter what your career in$ol$ement" the more success!ul you ecome" the more attacks on your character and criticism you will recei$e. The only %eo%le e2em%t !rom this rule o! li!e are those who donCt attem%t to accom%lish anything in their li$es. These are the only ones to remain !ore$er a o$e criticism. 5! someone who has $owed to stay DLntil death do us %artE wont %ut u% with criticism" its no wonder why most em%loyees wont either. Most em%loyees who

are under a constant arrage o! criticism will e$entually take their talents

elsewhere and com%anies are le!t wondering where their entire talent ase has gone. 1s %roduction rates egin to decline" stock %rices egin to !all and stockholders egin to Huestion com%any leadershi%. The sad !act is that most com%anies" small and large" !ail to recogni'e this cycle. 1s long as an em%loyee %ercei$es that the rewards o! their *o are at least eHual to the cost they endure" they will continue to come to work and do the est *o they can. 5ts when managers ecome critical o! their em%loyees" that not only morale ut also %roduction egins to decline. :ack o! recognition and a%%reciation is a ma*or com%laint o! most !actory workers. 5 used to work !or a ma*or airline manu!acturer and can $i$idly remem er a common saying amongst workers there.

,orking here is like wetting your %ants in a dark suitQ it may !eel warm" ut no ody notices

5 %ersonally dont know o! one %erson that en*oys eing treated as *ust another !aceless num er and then critici'ed !or their lack o! enthusiasm. Criticism T lower morale T criticism T lower %roduction T criticism" its not only a catch;==Q its a catch;??3 &arsh" se$ere" andJor re%eated criticism o! em%loyees has also gi$en rise to new le$els o! $iolence in the work%lace. Com%anies ty%ically o!!er $ast incenti$es to entice and retain their em%loyees y dangling the %ro$er ial carrots such as more $acation time" onuses" and

etter *o titles; when in reality" sim%ly reducing the amount o! criticism and adding an e$en small amount o! %raise would go a long way in kee%ing their em%loyees ha%%y and increase %roduction $alues.

Scene +!om a 6o!k lace:

Scena!io: #ou work !or a large ma*or cor%oration. The su%er$isor o! your area is $er ally critici'ing and scolding you out in !ront o! your %eers !or a small" o$erlooked mistake that you did that has cost your com%any a large sum o! money. The name;calling" !inger %ointing" laying o! lame and language that they are using is a usi$e" threatening and demeaning in your o%inion. 1s you imagine listening to the words coming !rom your su%er$isors mouth" in reality" there could e two entirely di!!erent $ersions o! your %ersonality listening to those words and inter%reting them di!!erently. 7ne $ersion could e shutting down" !olding and crum ling e!ore the disci%line" ecoming in$isi le" acce%ting the harsh criticism as truth o! their character. The other $ersion could e reacting de!ensi$elyQ %ulling on the $er al attle !atigues and %re%aring !or all out war.

1s you imagine this scene in your mind now" notice how it makes you !eel. (otice which o! the two di!!erent $ersions o! DyouE is the one who is listening4 The adult who made the mistake or the small child eing scolded !or not eing Dgood enoughE4

/ometimes" as we are eing critiHued we tend to disassociate !rom the %resent and return to a

!amiliar

time" to that childhood %art o! us that we !eel *ust didn

Huite

measure u% to someone

s" i.e. our %arents" teachers and authority !igures e2%ectations. )ee% in mind that the word

!amiliar

has neither a %ositi$e or negati$e connotationQ it is *ust a !amiliar %lace to which we return su consciously.

,hen we return to that %art o! oursel$es" we react to criticism *ust as when we were children. ,e roll our eyes" shake our heads" make !aces" !idget" ecome distracted" imitate and mock eha$iors in an e2aggerated manner. 1ll o! which ty%ically in!uriates the %erson that is deli$ering the critiHue. This normally then Huickly escalates into $er al war!are and lea$es oth %arties shattered and wondering what *ust ha%%ened.

How to Five and Receive C!iticism G$eedback0 >++ectively

Mary )ay 1sh" the entre%reneurial %henomenon" a housewi!e that started a sim%le home; ased usiness in her house and created an success!ul em%ire !rom not only creating high;Huality eauty %roducts ut also y o!!ering in;home eauty makeo$ers that made her clients" ty%ically other housewi$es" !eel im%ortant" s%ecial and eauti!ul used to say in her seminars that in her com%any Dwe stack e$ery it o! criticism etween two layers o! %raise.E 0$en a!ter her death" Mary )ay 1sh continues to in!luence her sales%eo%le" directors and em%loyees" who are 'ealous in their loyalty and commitment to a womans

sim%le %hiloso%hy o! how to treat %eo%le with res%ect y making them !eel good

a out themsel$es. Through e2tensi$e e2%eriments" %sychologist B.F./kinner !ound that the most e!!ecti$e way to get the eha$ior we want is through %raise instead o! criticism. .ewarding e$en small ste%s can %ay o!! ig in the long run. Because negati$e criticism is so damaging" Gottman says that you need to gi$e at least +ive %ositi$e comments or gestures to outweigh a single negati$e one. 8/till other research has !ound that %raise should e gi$en intermittently rather than automatically or it will e taken !or granted9.

Hu!tHAng!y $eelingsIDe+enseIRetaliato!y "++enceIHu!tHAng!y $eelings

Some sim le st!ategies +o! !eceiving c!iticismH+eedback: 0motions take o$er when we are critici'ed. The cycle o! hurtJangry !eelings T de!ense T retaliatory o!!ence T hurtJ angry !eelings" can get in the way o! co%ing with a situation. Be!ore dealing with this di!!icult situation" it is necessary to ring those !eelings into alance. ,hen the cycle egins to take %lace and we egin to search to !ind that alance" sometimes its hel%!ul to: <. Take se$eral long" dee% reaths. =. 1sk !or time D5 need a !ew minutes to think a out thatE. >. 02ert a it o! energy y walking around the lock" house" o!!ice or uilding. ?. +ecide whether or not the criticism is intentionally meant to hurt.

1 !ew good indications o! whether criticism is meant to hurt can e:

+estructi$e criticism is meant to: . &urt or humiliate . Mani%ulate or control . Blame or create guilt . Get attention

Constructi$e !eed ack is meant to: . &el% im%ro$e . Make us aware . 02%ress concern or caring . )ee% communication lines o%en . Clear the air when there may e di!!erences in o%inion . Moti$ate us to make %ositi$e change

.emem er when %ointing out a mistake y another %ersonQ always consider the %ersonCs !eelings and $iew%oint. /ometimes it hel%s to %ut yoursel! in their DshoesE. 1 story has een told that when the late comic and actor" Milton Berle" was dining with his wi!e" .uth" in a &ollywood restaurant a waiter inad$ertently %ut too much %e%%er on her salad. Mrs. Berle tasted it and said" D&mm. 5t needs more salad.E

5n a research study !rom (orth +akota /tate Lni$ersity in <MM=" there has een

!ound to e three highly e!!ecti$e ways to deal with criticism. . Dist!action . Admitting the -!uth . Asking +o! $eedback Dist!action: ,hen there is a solutely no truth to the criticism" the distraction techniHue can e a $ery use!ul tool to use to dissi%ate the recei$ers reaction. This techniHue allows the critic to $oice hisJher o%inion and calming reassurances that the recei$er has heard the criticCs words. +istraction also allows the recei$er to hear the critics words without immediately ecoming de!ensi$e or an2ious. The recei$er ecomes a listener without trying to read the critics mind to see why heJshe has critici'ed them. 5t gi$es the recei$er an e2tra !ew $alua le seconds that allows them to decide what to say or do ne2t.

The goal o! distraction is to interru%t the critical cycle" to %ro$ide a reak in the $er al te2ture o! the con$ersation e!ore it results in con!lict. :ater" in a calm moment or s%ace" the recei$er can decide whether or not to do something a out the situation that %ro$oked criticism. The result is that the recei$er chooses to e una!!ected y mani%ulati$e" un*usti!ied criticism. The critic will %ro a ly sto% ecause it is no !un throwing words as arrows i! the recei$er does not react. /ome %ossi le res%onses:

#ou could e right a out that...

D,hat you say makes sense...E D-erha%s 5 could...E (e$er allow yoursel! to get caught u% using D#es" ut..E cycle. The %ro lem with using the D#es" utE cycle is that the %erson doing the critiHue does not want to hear an e2cuse. D#es" ut...E may actually e$en encourage the critic to e e$en more critical.

Ln*usti!ied Criticism D#ouCre always late.E D0$ery time 5 tell you something is wrong" you get mad.E

+istraction .es%onse D-erha%s 5Cm a it late this time.E D#ou might e right. 5 donCt like it when things go wrong.E

Admitting the -!uth: This techniHue can e $ery e!!ecti$e when a critic has %ointed out a real concern. The !irst thing to do when handling $alid criticism is to acce%t it as true ut not !all into e2aggerated sel! critiHue" sel! %ut;downs and negati$e sel!;talk. 1$oid o$er;a%ologi'ing !or the error. 1dmitting the truth allows the recei$er to acce%t their mistakes and !aults without a%ologi'ing !or them. 1dmitting the truth also allows the recei$er to

recogni'e mistakes as mistakes" without !eeling like a ad %erson. ,hen

admitting the truth" the goal is to get %ast this mistake or arrier and get on with the task at hand. The truth can hel% heal relationshi%s and ena le the indi$idual and grou% to ecome %roducti$e again. 7nce the recei$er acce%ts the mistake" they can then mo$e !orward rather than ecome ogged down in de%ression and sel!;criticism. 7thers will acce%t them as they are and see them as !ellow human eings.

/ome %ossi le res%onses: D#ou are right. 5 didnCt do that as well as 5 could ha$e. 5 got usy and didnt %lan it out care!ully enoughE D#es" 5 %ro a ly didnCt think it through care!ully" and now that 5 know another a%%roach" 5 can correct it.E

1$oid saying" D5 made a mistake" BLT....E The use o! the word D utE attem%ts to e2%lain why the mistake was made. There are many $aried reasons why mistakes are made. This is not the time to !ocus on %ast %er!ormance ut rather !ocus on !uture eha$ior. D5 made a mistake" 1(+ 5 %lan to do etter ne2t time.E

ReJuesting S eci+ic $eedback: .eHuesting s%eci!ic !eed ack is %ro a ly the most %ower!ul techniHue to deal with $alid criticism. ,hen the recei$er reHuests s%eci!ic !eed ack !rom a critic" they !ocus on the !uture instead o! dwelling on the %ast. Through s%eci!ic

Huestions" they can identi!y how to mo$e directly into action. 5t !orces a critic to

look at %otential solutions instead o! %ointing out mistakes. This techniHue e2tends an in$itation to the critic to e on the recei$ers side and work together with them to im%ro$e the situation. By reHuesting s%eci!ic Duse!ulE !eed ack" it then %rom%ts the critic to %ro$ide more criticism !or the recei$er to hear and analy'e. 5t also kee%s the criticism directed at the eha$ior or action rather than o%ening the door !or a %ersonal attack on ones character. The recei$er then asks Huestions to gain !acts and elicit hisJher !eelings. 1s the recei$er gains in!ormation" they e2haust the criticCs com%laints. They unco$er true !eelings and disco$er common ground so they can talk a out things u%on which oth %arties agree.

The goal !or reHuesting s%eci!ic !eed ack is to mo$e on to managea le" %roducti$e acti$ity as soon as %ossi le. This techniHue allows %eo%le to reak the mani%ulati$e cycle o! criticism and de!ensi$e eha$ior y im%ro$ing communication and understanding. 5t is im%ortant to e genuine when asking !or more in!ormation. 5t is a mandatory need to use a neutral tone o! $oice" one that is neither o$erly loud nor e2tremely so!t;s%oken. /ometimes it is hel%!ul to %ara%hrase what think we hear to hel% the critic clari!y hisJher e2%ectations.

/ome %ossi le res%onses: 76hat s eci+ically did I do,9 D5! you were in my shoes" what would you do4E D&el% me understand what you think the %ro lem is.E

<F=

Could you gi$e me an e2am%le4

D5s there anything else you can think o!4E D1re there other ways 5 could im%ro$e my work4E

Fiving C!iticism: /ometimes it ecomes necessary to %ro$ide !eed ack or critiHue. &ere are <? guidelines !or %ro$iding success!ul critiHueJ!eed ack without con!lict.

<9 Critici'e the %ersons eha$ior rather than their character. Mention the actual incident rather than making grand generali'ations or *ust la eling them. 1im !or the Dcom%laintE rather than the DcriticismE. +irect your com%laint at the action" not the %erson.

,rong res%onse: D#ouCre o $iously stu%id when it comes to moneyE .ight res%onse: D#ou made a mistake last week with the check ookE.

=9 Make criticisms or !eed ack s%eci!ic" ne$er demeaning. First em%athi'e" and then critici'e.

/cene: /on or daughter loses their coat at school. ,rong res%onse: D#oure so !orget!ul" youd !orget your head i! it wasnt attachedE3

.ight res%onse:

m sorry you !orgot your coat this morning" what can we do so

this doesnt ha%%en againE4

>9 Be sure the eha$ior youCre critici'ing can e changed. Foreign accents" height" %hysical !eatures" aldness" %er!ormance a ilities and many other things cannot always e changed.

?9 Lse D5E and DweE statements to stress that you want to work out the %ro lem together" rather than making threats. 7!!er to hel% recti!y the situation together.

@9 Make sure the other %erson understands the reason !or your critiHue. +onCt critici'e when you are angry.

A9 +onCt ela or the %oint. /hort and sweetQ no lectures. (o need to re%eat the %oint o$er and o$er and o$er and o$er..

B9 Be aware o! non;$er al ody language when critiHuing. Taking a %erson aside in !ront o! others" walking them into a corner or another room" !acial e2%ressions or threatening $oice tones can all communicate that you are really going to Dchew uttE on that %erson. 5s this the message you really want to con$ey4 -ersonal management" whether in the usiness community or on the home !ront" y using !ear and intimidation usually isnt $ery conducti$e to a lasting relationshi%.

89 1$oid com%arisons with other %eo%le. The indi$iduals are uniHue unto themsel$es.

M9 1sk !or a s%eci!ic changes. +ont e2ce%t the other %erson to read your mind and $ague hints donCt hel% the other %erson know e2actly what you are asking !or. 1sk them !or ideas a out changing how they eha$e" rather than *ust ringing u% your own. .emem er that ad$ice is *ust that" its your o%inion o! how or what someone should do.

<F9 +onCt set a tone o! anger or sarcasm. Both are counter%roducti$e. 1$oid mockery at 1:: times" it only ser$es to escalate.

<<9 /how the %erson you understand his or her !eelings. 1lways critici'e in %ri$ate" ne$er in %u lic.

<=9 5! youCre %utting your criticism in writing" cool o!! e!ore writing the critical letter" email or memo. ,ait a day and reread your handiwork. +o you still !eel the same way4 5! so" send away and e sure only the %erson it is intended !or sees it.

<>9 /tart o!! y saying something good. .emem er the reci%e: :ayer a single criticism etween two layers o! %raise.

<?9 1t the end" rea!!irm your su%%ort and con!idence in the %erson.

Cha te! Si? Hostility and Contem t

C!iticism: 1ttacking someones %ersonality or character" usually with lame" instead o! a s%eci!ic eha$ior.

Hostility: To e antagonistic toward someone. -ertaining to an enemy.

Contem t: +isa%%ro$al tinged with disgust. Communication that is intended to insult. To show disdain !or another who is considered $ile or worthless.

Contem%t and hostility are !ueled y thoughts o! the other %ersons incom%etence or disgust. They are disgusting. #ou think they are stu%id. &ow do you show this4

<9 :a eling

D#oure a *erk.E D#oure a itch.E D#oure a astard.E D#oure an idiot.E D#oure a !ool.E

#ou

re stu%id.

D#ou are incom%etent.E

=9 (on$er ally

.oll your eyes when they say something. /igh hea$ily while they are communicating something to you. Turn your ack on them while they are talking. ,alk away !rom them while they are talking.

>9 Co$ert 5nsults and &umiliations +esigned to Cause .eal -ain 5n 7thers

D0$en 1ndy could get that one right.E D5! you really lo$ed me" youd li!t a !inger to hel% around the house.E D#ou dont e$en care a out your kids.E D#ou were ne$er there when we really needed you.E D1ny kindergartener could !igure that out you moron.E D#ou ha$e serious %sychological %ro lems.E

Contem t .!eeds Contem t

5ts true that contem%t reeds contem%t. .emem er the last time you were in$ol$ed in one o! these4

,hat the hell are you doing4

#ou told me to clean my room3

5 told you to get the li$ing room cleaned u% ecause we ha$e com%any coming

"

T&0( to clean your room.

,hat

s the di!!erence Mom" no one is coming !or T,7 hours4

That

s it. #ou ha$e no res%ect. #ou are grounded.

&e looks at her in dis elie!. /its on his ed. /tares at her

,hat are you looking at4

(othing. #ou

re cra'y.

#ou will not s%eak to your Mother that way. #ou are grounded !or one month

(ow get this %lace clean. (7,3

,hat ha%%ened here4

The son was cleaning his room. &e %ro a ly should ha$e een cleaning the li$ing room !irst to %re%are !or com%any ut he %ro a ly didnt know why he should e cleaning the li$ing room !irst. +ee% inside" the son !elt %ut out that he had to clean his room and the li$ing room. &e didnt mess u% the li$ing room a!ter all. &is toddling sister did. &e doesnt e$en go near the li$ing room. +ee% inside" Mom !elt like she was in a %ressure cooker. Com%any coming in two hours and she has !our hours o! work to do. 1nd this isnt *ust any com%any

this is hu

s new client. 1 ig one. The house has to e %er!ect. Tonight the

%ressure is on to make a really %ositi$e im%ression.

This is an e2am%le o! how most %eo%le communicate all day long. &ere is the ne2t morning at work

D,hy arent you working on the Johnson account4E D#ou told me to get the num ers !or the Friedman account and the Johnson account u%dated today.E D5 told you that Johnson is going to e here in T,7 hours. Get her account done T&0( do the Friedman account. +oes any o! this make sense to you4E DBoth sets o! num ers will e on your desk in the ne2t hour.E D5 want the Johnson num ers (7,.E DFine.E 8/he dro%s the Friedman !ile. Gra s the Johnson !ile and returns to her desk.9 D5s there anything else4E D(o. Just get that !ile to me 1/1-.E

+ee% inside" the o!!ice worker is !eeling hurt and angry. /he doesnt !eel trusted. /he doesnt !eel as i! her oss understands her com%etency le$el. /he is angry that her oss !elt it necessary to make a scene o$er (7T&5(G in !ront o! the sta!!. The oss once again made her look ad !or no reason. The !ile would ha$e een done with no %ro lemand no time delay.

+ee% inside" the oss !elt that once again %eo%le *ust don

t get it. The to%

%riority item gets second illing. ,hat i! there was an emergency or a %ro lem and there wasnt time to get the Johnson !ile done4 ,hy dont %eo%le do things in the order that make sense4 This woman is as stu%id as her sone2ce%t hes <= and has an e2cuse. ,hy does she kee% this worker on4 -ro a ly ecause M7/T o! the time she does a good *o " ut T&5/ is *ust ridiculous. The o!!ice worker goes home. /he thinks all the way home that her oss is such a itch. D/he really thinks 5m an idiot"E she mutters o$er the steering wheel. 5 hate her. 5 am going to Huit. 5 will not %ut u% with this insanity any longer. 5 cant handle it. /he always is on me. ,hy doesnt she *ust let me work and do my *o 4 /he %ulls in the dri$eway. &us and is home. D&o%e he had a good day"E she says again o$er the steering wheel. /he goes in. They hug" kiss" sit down and say hello !or a minute.

D&ow was your day4E D7h" it was 7.). 5m sick o! that witch though.E D+id she say something again4E D#es" she was sticking her nose in my usiness again.E D#ou know" ne2t time she does that you should *ust tell her to lea$e and let you get your work done.E D5ts not Huite that easy. /he is the oss ya know.E D5 know that ut that doesnt gi$e her a right to e so o$er earing. Tell her that you are good at what you do and that you dont need her meddling.E

/he

s so in your !ace" $ery intimidating

8kind o! like you honey

now that

think o! it

9 and 5 don

t want to %ush the wrong utton and lose my *o .

Gee'

" they can

t !ire you !or doing your *o and saying how you !eel. +on

t le

her %ush you around.

ll take care o! it.

85 ha$e no idea how ut 5 don

t want to talk a out thi

anymore. (ow 5 !eel incom%etent here too3

Good" i! you don

t let it !ester you can ha$e it taken care o! tomorrow and ne$e

deal with it again.

That

s easy to say" you are the su%er$isor at your o!!ice. 5

m *ust a %eon.

5 res%ect %eo%le who s%eak their mind as long as they are res%ect!ul.

/he doesn

t res%ect anyone ut hersel!. /he is not you.

5 know. 5 *ust hate to see you %ushed around.

5 can handle mysel!.

8(o 5 can

t. ,hy do 5 say things like that4

7) honey. )ee% me %osted.

85

m not going to make her !eel ad y continuin

this.

Solutions +o! Contem t and Hostility

&ostility is attacking someone with the intent to do $er al harm. /ome %eo%le sim%ly !ly o!! the handle and critici'e %eo%le. 1s we talked a out earlier" that has to e sto%%ed. 7thers will com%lain a out eha$iors that their %artners do. That isnt so ad in the long run though it isnt e2actly a reci%e !or ha%%iness. ,hat is

among the worst o!!ending sins that is detrimental to the soul is communication

with the intent to harm whether in %u lic or %ri$ate. 5! you or your %artner are intentionally communicating with the intent to harm you must sto% immediately. &ostility is something that no soul should e in$ol$ed in. There is no ene!it to hostility !or anyone. The desire to harm others through communication is a sign o! serious relationshi% %ro lems that need to e corrected as soon as %ossi le.

5! your %artner is intentionally communicating with you in a hostile manner you need to gently share this in!ormation with him at the !irst reasona le moment. The %artner should e allowed to communicate his !eelings a out the reason !or his hostility and then mo$e to a solution. The solution is not the silent treatment ut increased communication. &owe$er" as you deal with the s%eci!ic issue o! hostility do not ring u% all the relationshi% %ro lems o! the %ast. This only gi$es cause to do the e2act o%%osite o! your goal.

,hat model o! communication would you %ro%ose4 -ro%ose it. Get agreement i! a%%ro%riate and start communicating with the intention to make each other !eel good a out each other. The e2ercises on the coming %ages will hel% you re uild a relationshi% that was on treacherous ground.

>liminating Hostility in Relationshi s

&ostility and contem%t in %ersonal relationshi%s 8and all relationshi%s are %ersonal to some degree9 need to e dealt with immediately. &ostility and

contem%t are relationshi% killers. ,ill the relationshi% end or will lo$e e re

created4 5! it

s time to start o$er do so now. The !ollowing %lan !or re;creating your relationshi% will e o! great hel%. &ere

s how:

Design a com letely sa+e envi!onment in which you and you! a!tne! may communicate.

5! you ha$e een hitting your %artner" change your eha$ior. Changing your emotions will ha%%en later" ut change your eha$ior now3 #our %artner was hit as a child. 5! you tend to low u% at your lo$ed one" sto% now. They were yelled at as a child. 5! you get u% and lea$e when you are angry" sto% it now. They were a andoned as a child and youre acting *ust like the %arent. Think care!ully a out these e2am%les e!ore mo$ing on to num er two. Create an atmos%here where it is sa!e to talk and communicate. -romise each other that this is a time to listen and not *udge" e$aluate or %oint !ingers. Create an atmos%here where you can e2%erience %ositi$e communication.

+escri e three things that you can im%lement in your relationshi% today to create a sa!e en$ironment !or yoursel! and your %artner to communicate in.

/to% all criticism immediately3

There is no such thing as constructi$e criticism to the %arts o! the unconscious mind that are attem%ting to !inish their childhood3

C!eate sessions o+ healing acce tance

&ealing acce%tance sessions occur when you and your %artner sit down and talk *ust as i! you had een hit y a car in an accident. #ou want to !ind out i! the other %erson is all right and see what you can do !or them. #ou need to tell your %artner that you want him to acknowledge what you are a out to tell him without re uttal or e2%lanation on his %art. (o de!ensi$eness is necessary. #ou are sim%ly telling him that you are wounded and that it hurts. #ou will not lame him. #ou will use statements like" D5 !eel...E and D5 hurt...E &e should say" D5

understand"E and D,hat else do you want to tell me4E DGo on.E D7).E Those !our statements and Huestions are the sum o! what the non;in*ured %artner will say.

5t is $itally im%ortant to ne$er attack your %artner during these" Dhealing acce%tanceE sessions. )ee% it o%en and lo$ing and then your relationshi% will e on its way !orward3

Pe!+o!m !andom acts o+ kindness +o! you! a!tne!.

1 wonder!ul tool to !oster communication with others is y %er!orming a random act o! kindness. Bring a card or gi!t home a!ter work. 1 small and ine2%ensi$e gi!t shows your thought!ulness and can do wonders !or your relationshi% in a ig way. (otice the key word is Irandom. 5t means un%redicta le. Be un%redicta le with your times o! gi$ing.

+o something that you normally dont do around the house. 5! you ne$er do the dishes" do them one night. 5! you ne$er cut the lawn" cut it. The une2%ected can e $ery %leasant and $ery a%%reciated.

Retu!n to a success+ul !itual you liked.

,as there something s%ecial you did while you were dating4 +o it now.

>? !ess you! love and +eelings +o! you! a!tne! with hugs, kisses and ve!bal a++i!mations o+ love, o+ten.

Most %eo%le need to e hugged and kissed. :eo Buscaglia used to %rescri e at least a do'en hugs %er day !or the maintenance o! a relationshi%. /aying"

5 lo$e you"

may get old a!ter >F"FFF recitations ut you ne$er hear o! anyone com%laining that their %artner tells them that they lo$e them too o!ten3 8By the way" in the o!!ice en$ironment" 5 wouldn

t recommend this" as the cor%oration y mandated law" has ecome a cold" and thus di!!icult %lace to communicate.

Discove! thei! needs and wants while sha!ing you!s.

For you to ha$e a wonder!ul relationshi% disco$er what your %artner currently lo$es a out your relationshi%. Then ask your %artner what he thinks could im%ro$e your relationshi%. 1sk your %artner the Huestions elow" in the /uccess!ul .elationshi% 0licitation e2ercise. 8+ont do this all in one sitting39 This e2ercise will hel% you disco$er what is im%ortant to your %artner and will hel% you trans!orm your relationshi%.

Success+ul Relationshi >licitation

The !ollowing Huestions are to e used as disco$ery tools !or you and your %artner to learn more a out each other and dee%en your ond. Lse these Huestions as tools to gently start to hel% you and your %artner

%eel each other

s onions.

The !irst Huestions will hel% you and your %artner uild resources !or which you can re!er to in tough times. :ater Huestions hel% disco$er weaknesses and areas that can use change or im%ro$ement. /%end a out =F minutes !or each %artner with these Huestions" o$er se$eral days.

A+te! that, what is the ne?t best thing about ou! !elationshi ,

6hat else,

6hat do you believe you should lea!n about me to im !ove ou!

!elationshi ,

6hat do you think I should lea!n about you to im !ove ou!

!elationshi ,

6hat a!e two things I do that annoy you,

6hat a!e two things you do, that you think annoy me,

How ha

y a!e you with ou! se? li+e,

6hat can I do to make ou! se? li+e mo!e into?icating,

6hat would you be willing to do to make ou! se? li+e mo!e

into?icating,

6hen we a!gue +!om now on, should we ag!ee to kiss and make u

be+o!e the a!gument gets out o+ hand,

6hat will ou! 7cue9 be +o! this to ha

en,

6hat do you do a!ound the house that you think I don't a

!eciate,

6hat do you do at wo!k that you think I don't a

!eciate,

U could,

6hat do I do that you

!obably don't a

!eciate as much as you

6hat do you want to know about my ast that I haven't told you,

6hat do you want me to know about you! ast that yo

haven

'

t told me

6hen should I be 8ealous,

6hen do you think you should be 8ealous,

How can we go +!om having a good !elationshi to having a +antastic

!elationshi ,

1ll o! these Huestions allow us to disco$er more a out our %artner in a cou%le o! hours than we may ha$e disco$ered in years. Nuestions are an under;used element o! communication in our culture. Beginning to ask gentle Huestions will %ut you on the track to im%ro$ing communication and there y im%ro$ing your relationshi% no matter how good or ad it already is. :earning what is im%ortant to your %artner and eing certain your %artner understands what you need and want makes ha$ing a good relationshi% much easier. This elicitation hel%s you take the guesswork out o! knowing what hel%s the other %erson !eel more at ease with you.

The result4 &ostility and contem%t !loat away and healthy mature communication is !ostered3

Cha te! Seven Igno!ing ;onve!bal Communication )ou!s

-hei!s

Most social %sychologists will tell you that non$er al communication makes u% a out =J> o! all communication etween two %eo%le or etween one s%eaker and a grou% o! listeners. #et" almost nothing is written a out ody language. (o one teaches you how to communicate non$er ally with others. (o one shows you how to read the ody language o! other %eo%le. (o one shows you how to utili'e the s%ace around you to communicate with others.

Being una le to decode non$er al communication is like listening to the news on the radio and only hearing > out o! e$ery <F words that are s%oken. #ou will misunderstand what you hear and you will e !rustrated y the e2%erience. 5n this cha%ter you will learn how to watch !or im%ortant cues !rom other %eo%les non$er al communication. #ou will also learn to intentionally utili'e the s%ace around you to con$ey messages that you want communicated. Finally you will learn how to a%%ear and communicate with your ody so that you are understood y others" oth at the conscious and unconscious le$el o! thinking.

-he -alking .ody

/ome %eo%le *ust sit there when they talk. Their eyes dont light u%" their hands ne$er lea$e the ta le" their $oice ne$er rises or !alls. They are not interesting and not going to e the !ocus o! anyones attention.

-eo%le who are e2citing" intense and !un" mo$e. The most charismatic %eo%le o! the =F th

century were %eo%le like 0l$is -resley and Marilyn Monroe. ,hen they mo$ed the world watched. +oes your !ace mo$e when your mood changes4 +oes your ody mo$e as you ecome e2cited4 5! not" start %aying attention to %eo%le who are drawing the %ositi$e attention you desire and see what they are doing right3 Generally s%eaking %eo%le who su tly mo$e while they talk 8&ands" arms" !acial e2%ressions9 are considered more e2%ressi$e and are easier to communicate with ecause they are %ercei$ed as more lika le.

Can )ou Hea! )ou! .ody -alking,

#ou ha$e less than <F seconds and realistically closer to !our seconds to make a good !irst im%ression on those you come into contact with. There is a world o! research that clearly indicates that you will e *udged %ro!essionally and %ersonally in the !irst !ew seconds o! your meeting someone !or the !irst time. 5n !act your !irst im%ression is recorded and is used as a yard stick !or all !uture communication y those whom you meet. ,hate$er that !irst im%ression is going to e on your %art" you want it to e intentional and on %ur%ose.

Be!ore going any !urther in discussing $er al communication we etter take a look at how to increase DlikingE with your ody language. Most %eo%le are com%letely unaware o! *ust how much their ody says and how it o!ten contradicts what the words are saying3 There are numerous elements o! what we

call ody language. They include your %hysical !eatures oth changea le and

unchangea le" your gestures and signals that you send to others at the conscious and unconscious le$el and the s%ace that you use when communicating with others. 5n this cha%ter we will touch on all o! these im%ortant areas o! ody language.

6hat )ou (ook (ike Really -alks

:ets egin with your %hysical a%%earance. &ere are some astounding !acts that will gi$e you %ause !or thought when you consider how im%ortant a%%earance is in attraction.

.ecent %sychological research has re$ealed that college students who look at a two second cli% o! $ideo o! a %ro!essor teaching can %redict how students who s%end an entire semester with that %ro!essor will like that %ro!essor y the end o! the semester. 5n other words" a student watching a two second cli% o! someone says" D5 like him.E 7r D5 dont like him.E That statement is then recorded with other students $iewing the two second cli%. 1t the end o! the semester students who ha$e actually taken a class with the %ro!essor anonymously record whether they liked the %ro!essor or not. ,ith incredi le accuracy" those watching the two second cli% %redicts what the entire class will !eel at the end o! the semester. 5t sounds un elie$a le ut it is com%letely true and one o! the ig mistakes we make is making a %oor im%ression on others.

-he Powe! o+ Physical A

ea!ance

+id you know that in uni$ersity settings" %ro!essors who are considered %hysically attracti$e y students are considered to e etter teachers on the whole than unattracti$e %ro!essors4 1ttracti$e %ro!essors are also more likely to e asked !or hel% on %ro lems. These same attracti$e %ro!essors also tend to recei$e %ositi$e recommendations !rom other students to take their classes and also are less likely to recei$e the lame when a student recei$es a !ailing grade3 8.omano and Bordieri <M8M9

+id you know that marriage and dating decisions are o!ten made with great weight %laced on %hysical attracti$eness4 1 wide $ariety o! research indicates that men will o!ten re*ect women who are lacking 8in their o%inion9 in %ositi$e %hysical !eatures. ,omen on the other hand %lace less signi!icance on a mans %hysical attracti$eness in considering him !or a date or marriage. 8studies y ..0. Ba er9

+id you know that in studies done on college cam%uses" it has een %ro$en that attracti$e !emales 8attraction as %ercei$ed y the %ro!essors9 recei$e signi!icantly higher grades than male students or relati$ely unattracti$e !emales4 8studies y J.0. /inger9

1mong strangers" indi$iduals %ercei$ed as unattracti$e in %hysical a%%earance are generally undesira le !or any inter%ersonal relationshi%3 8studies y +. Byrne" 7. :ondon" ). .ee$es9

5n one signi!icant study o! @8 unacHuainted men and women in a social setting we learned that a!ter a !irst date" 8MK o! the %eo%le who wanted a second date decided to do so ecause o! attracti$eness o! the %artner3 8Brislin and :ewis9

,hen communicating" attracti$e !emales are !ar more con$incing than !emales %ercei$ed as unattracti$e. 8Mills and 1ronson9 5n yet another study" we !ind that young men who are o ese are generally considered to e sloth!ul and la'y. Both men and women who are o ese are generally %ercei$ed to ha$e %ersonality characteristics that %lace them at a disad$antage in social and usiness settings. 8,orsley" <M8<9

#ou %ro a ly ha$ent considered that how you %resent yoursel! to others is im%ortant in how they will like you and communicate. That is another mistake. -eo%le oth unconsciously and consciously notice what you look like and how you %resent yoursel!. They *udge this unconsciously and then !ilter e$erything you say through that *udgment.

Can )ou Change )ou! A

ea!ance,

/tudy a!ter study re$eals that how you look is critical to someones !irst im%ression 8and e$ery im%ression therea!ter39 o! you. /o what can you do to change how you look43 #ou cant change e$erything a out your %hysical

a%%earance ut you can de!initely make changes that will gi$e you a ooster shot.

.esearch studies tell us that the De2%osure %rinci%leE increases our D!ace $alue.E /%eci!ically" the e2%osure %rinci%le says that the more o!ten you are seen y someone the more attracti$e and intelligent you a%%ear to them. 5! you werent gi!ted with a Cindy Craw!ord or Tom Cruise !ace then its time !or you to take ad$antage o! the e2%osure %rinci%le. 5! you dont ha$e the ad$antage o! eing DseenE time a!ter time y a %erson or a grou%" then you must make the most o! what you ha$e. 5n other words you want to look as good as you %ossi ly can on e$ery gi$en day. Because o! the signi!icance o! ody image" energy le$el" and weight you must do what you can to kee% your ody weight down and your ody in sha%e !or your o$erall %erce%tion to e as good as it can e.

#our teeth will tell a tale as well. 5! your teeth are yellow and look like you *ust ate" your !ace $alue is o $iously greatly reduced. +o e$erything you can to kee% your teeth %early white and you will e %ercei$ed as more attracti$e. 8#ou$e already seen the

communication ene!its o! the %erce%tion o! attracti$eness.9 ,hen you watch the news tonight on TG" look at the teeth o! e$ery news anchor" weather %erson and s%orts announcer. They all ha$e eauti!ul white teeth. Theres a reason !or that and that is %ositi$e im%ression management. ,e tend to elie$e and like %eo%le more when they a%%ear com%etent. 6he!e )ou Sit Can Change How Peo le (ook at )ou3

Communicating in usiness4 /tanding in someone

s o!!ice is a %ro lem that will need an immediate solution. 1s soon as %leasantries are e2changed you and your customer should e seated. 5! you are oth standing !or an e2tended %eriod o! time and your customer doesn

t ha$e the !orethought to o!!er you a chair" then you can ask"

/hould we sit down and e com!orta le4

Lnless you are in a retail en$ironment" sales are not made and deals are not negotiated standing u%.

#ou may ha$e an o%tion o! considering where to sit . 5! so" you are in luck. /cienti!ic research is on your side in telling you e2actly where to sit. /eating o%tions normally occur on lunch or dinner dates at a restaurant and in meeting rooms. 5! you are in a restaurant" Huickly search out 8with your eyes9 a location that allows you to sit !acing the ma*ority o! the %eo%le in the restaurant so your client is o ligated to sit !acing you" away !rom the clientele and sta!! o! the restaurant. This is ideal !or ooth seating.

#our %artners or clients attention should e on you" not the waitress" us oy and the do'ens o! other %eo%le in the restaurant. #our seat selection will assure you his attention. 7nce you ha$e the attention o! your customer only you can make your %resentation or engage in con$ersation. How Do )ou Select Seating,

5deally you can create a seating arrangement that is most likely to !acilitate the communication %rocess. &ere are the key rules in seating selection.

<9 1s a rule" i! you ha$e already met your client or !riend once and you know they are right handed" attem%t to sit to his right. 5! she is le!t handed sit to her le!t.

=9 5! you are a woman attem%ting to communicate e!!ecti$ely with another woman" sitting o%%osite o! each other is as good or etter than sitting at a right angle.

>9 5! you are a woman and want to hel% a man !eel com!orta le" the est o%tion is to e at a right angle i! at all %ossi le. ?9 5! you are a man attem%ting to communicate e!!ecti$ely with another man" you should e seated across !rom each other in the ooth setting i! %ossi le. 8&owe$er" research also shows that men actually communicate etter at right angles than straight across !rom each other in close Huarters.9 @9 5! you are a man attem%ting to communicate well with a !emale in usiness or in a social setting" you should e seated across !rom her at a smaller more intimate ta le.

6hat Do )ou Do "nce )ou a!e Seated,

,aiting !or the waitress to come in a restaurant can e awkward i! you do not know your date or your client $ery well. 5! you are meeting your client in her o!!ice" you will immediately get down to usiness a!ter rie! %leasantries. 85t should e rie!. Many o! my e noted that est

sometimes %leasantries do (7T ha$e to

iggest and

%resentations were made in the last two minutes o!

meetings that would e2tend to two hours discussing e$erything !rom ase all" to

se2 to religion. The le$el o! ra%%ort and Huality o! mutual interests will ultimately e your guide.9 7nce seated" kee% your hands away !rom your !ace and hair. There is nothing good that your !ingers can do a o$e your neck while you are meeting with a client. The est communicators in the world ha$e wonder!ul and intentional control o! their gestures. They know" !or e2am%le that when their hands are !urther !rom their ody than their el ows that they are going to e %ercei$ed in a more !lam oyant manner.

,hile you are seated" i! you are un!amiliar with your date or client" it is est that you kee% oth !eet on the !loor. This hel%s you maintain control and good ody %osture. -eo%le that are constantly crossing and un;crossing their !eet and legs are %ercei$ed as less credi le and %eo%le who kee% one !oot on their other knee when talking ha$e a tendency to shake the !ree !oot" creating a silly looking distraction. Feet elong on the !loor.

Meanwhile" your hands will say a great deal a out your com!ort le$el. 5! you are %icking at the !ingers o! one hand with the other you are sending an unconscious message that shows !ear or discom!ort. This is %icked u% y the unconscious mind o! the customer 8or your !riend9 and makes her !eel uncom!orta le. 5! you dont know what to do with your hands and you are !emale" cu% your right hand !ace down into your le!t hand" which is !ace u%. +ont sHuee'e your hands" sim%ly let them lay together on your la%.

For men" the est thing to do is to kee% your hands se%arate unless you

egin to !idget at which %oint you will !ollow the ad$ice o! your !emale counter%art" noted a o$e. How Close is -"" Close,

,hether seated or standing" you should stay out o! your clients Dintimate s%ace.E 5ntimate s%ace is normally de!ined as an <8 inch u le around the entire ody o! your client.

0ntering this s%ace is done so at your own risk. This doesnt mean that you cant share a secret with your date or your client. This doesnt mean you cant touch your date or your client. 5t does mean that i! you enter into Dintimate s%ace"E you are doing so strategically and with a s%eci!ic intention. There can e great rewards when entering intimate s%ace ut there are also great risks so e thought!ul a out your clients Ds%ace.E

/imilarly" i! you lea$e the Dcasual;%ersonalE s%ace o! a client" which is <M inches to ? !eet" you also stand at risk o! losing the !ocus o! attention o! the client. 5deally most o! your communication with a new customer should e at the two to !our !eet distance" measuring nose to nose. This is a%%ro%riate and generally you egin communication at the ?

%erimeter o! s%ace and slowly mo$e closer as you uild ra%%ort with your client.

6hat is >++ective >ye Contact,

0ye contact is critical in any !ace;to;!ace meeting. 1s a rule o! thum you

should maintain eye contact with your usiness client =J> o! the time and a date a out 8FK o! the time. This doesnt mean that you look at her eyes !or =F minutes then away !or <F minutes. 5t does mean that you kee% in touch !or a out se$en seconds then away !or a out three seconds" or in touch !or a out <? seconds and away !or a out si2 seconds. 0ye contact doesnt mean *ust ga'ing into the eyes. 0ye contact is considered any contact in the Deye;noseE triangle. 5! you create a triangle !rom the two eyes to the nose o! the customer you create the Deye;noseE triangle. This is the area that you want A@;BFK o! eye contact.

/hould you sense that your client is uncom!orta le at this le$el reduce your eye contact content. Many 1mericans who were orn and raised in the eastern countries 8Ja%an" !or e2am%le9 are not accustomed to the eye contact that 1mericans are.

0yes are a !ascinating %art o! the human ody. ,hen a %erson !inds someone or something $ery a%%ealing to them their %u%il si'e 8the lack %art o! the eyes9 grow signi!icantly larger. This is one o! the !ew %arts o! ody language that is a solutely uncontrolla le y the conscious mind. #ou sim%ly cannot control your %u%il si'e. 5! you are interested in someone else your %u%il si'e will grow dramatically. 5! someone else is interested in you" their %u%ils will grow larger when looking at you and there is nothing they can do a out it. This is one o! the %ower!ul %redictors o! liking in non$er al communication. 5t should e noted that %u%il si'e will also get larger in situations o! e2treme !ear and when a setting is dark. -u%ils e2%and to let more light in and like a

camera" when the setting is $ery well lit the %u%ils will contract to the si'e o! a $ery tiny little dot.

5! you !ollow the ti%s in this cha%ter !or im%ro$ing your im%ression on others" eing care!ul a out a%%ro%riate dress to the setting and e$ent" and are care!ul with your use o! s%ace" you will e %ercei$ed as more ca%a le" intelligent" and e$en attracti$e" in %ersonal relationshi%s and in usiness. More im%ortantly" you hel% set others at ease.

There are two other telling eha$iors relating to the eyes. First" i! someone is linking !ar more ra%idly than they normally do" that is usually an indicator o! annoying lighting in the setting you are in or that o! an2iety andJor lying on the %art o! the %erson. /econd" i! you are in con$ersation with someone and their eyes are easily distracted y the goings on in the en$ironment" this is usually a good indicator that you ha$ent earned the interest o! your listener. 5n general it is a $ery wise strategy !or you to kee% your eyes well trained on your date or usiness associate in distracting en$ironments. To constantly look around at the en$ironment when you are with someone else is %ercei$ed as rude. To kee% eye contact with another %erson instead o! eing distracted y e2traneous acti$ity is

considered !lattering and com%limentary" es%ecially y women.

-he >yes Have It

1s 5 noted a o$e" you know that you are a le to get a %retty good idea o!

how someone !eels a out you y looking at their eyes4 #ou get e$en more in!ormation a out how someone !eels a out you when you %ut that DlookE into the conte2t o! their !acial e2%ression and their ody language. +id you know that women initiate a out A@K o! all !lirtatious encounters with men4 Lsually this is done with their eyes. &ow you look at someone can e %ercei$ed as seducti$e" !rightening" caring" lo$ing" ored" secreti$e or e$en condescending. The eyes re$eal a great deal a out what is going on inside o! us. 5! you can learn how to look and send the right message at the right time with your eyes you will e %ercei$ed as more attracti$e y more %eo%le. There are si2 asic emotions in the human e2%erience and the eyes ca%ture them all. There are many more than si2 di!!erent emotions" ut most o! the emotions we e2%erience are a com ination o! the si2 asic emotions. By sim%ly looking at a %ersons eyes we can tell whether they are e2%eriencing" ha%%iness" sur%rise" disgust" !ear" anger or sadness. Think a out that. 1cross the world %eo%le are the same in this res%ect. ,e all show the si2 asic emotions in the same !ashion. The eyes are ama'ing windows to the emotions we all e2%erience. By %aying close attention to the eyes we can learn a great deal a out %eo%le and" in %articular" those we wish to attract.

5t is a true statement that most %eo%le will *udge other %eo%le in the !irst two or three seconds a!ter their !irst meeting. There!ore" doesnt it make sense to ha$e them hy%noti'ed y your eyes and your understanding o! their wants and needs4 &ow do you do this4 #ou use your eyes in sim%le yet %ower!ul ways to

uild ra%%ort and create !eelings o! arousal in the %erson you are attem%ting to

communicate with. To do this you need only to a%%ly the key ideas you will learn in this cha%ter. 5 8)&9 recently had laser surgery on my eyes to im%ro$e my $ision without glasses. 5n the screening %rocess" 5 learned that some %eo%le shouldnt ha$e the surgery ecause their %u%ils dilate 8get igger and lacker39 to a si'e that is a normally large. 0$eryones %u%ils dilate when it is darker in the en$ironment and they contract when it is lighter. ,hen the sun is shining rightly in your eyes your %u%ils will e at their smallest. ,hen you walk into a dark room" your %u%ils will e at their largest. The %u%ils get larger to gather more light. This hel%s the eyes see more o! what is in the en$ironment.

#our %u%ils will also get larger when you are terri!ied. There is an e$olutionary res%onse in your ody that hel%s you collect more in!ormation a out an e2%erience that is !rightening. The senses all shar%en in moments o! great !ear. #our hearing ecomes more acute" your sense o! touch is enhanced" and you can e$en taste !ear. The %u%ils in your eyes get larger. This hel%s ring more light in e$en i! the en$ironment is already well lit. #our rain needs that in!ormation to hel% you esca%e and to %rotect you !rom danger.

0$eryones %u%ils dilate to a di!!erent ma2imum si'e and e$eryones %u%ils ha$e a slightly di!!erent normal state. &owe$er" there is one ama'ing !act a out those eyes: ,hen someone looks at you and their %u%ils get ig and lack" they are either scared to death o! you" or they like you3

5t

s almost im%ossi le to control the increase in %u%il si'e that occurs when we see something we like. This e2%ansion is also an e$olutionary %rocess that ha%%ens to take in more o! something that is $ery dear to the %erson. Ln!ortunately !or the o ser$ing %erson" it is an uncontrolla le res%onse.

.ecent research into %u%il dilation has %ro$en Huite interesting. 1 researcher showing %ictures o! a a y to women" results in %u%il dilation o! the ma*ority o! women. ,omen $iewing %ictures o! a a y with the mother elicits an e$en greater %u%il dilation res%onse. These same women $iewing a eauti!ul landsca%e e2%erience an enlarging %u%il si'e as well. 5nterestingly" women $iewing a %icture o! an attracti$e man" on a$erage" dont e2%erience Huite the si'e o! %u%il dilation noted in the a o$e scenarios3 ,omen can e im%ressed y a mans a%%earance ut at least at an e$olutionary or iological le$el"

%hysical a%%earance isnt going to turn on e$ery woman who %asses. 8Just what does turn women DonE will e discussed later in this ook39

These same researchers took the %icture o! that same eauti!ul a y and showed it to men. The mens res%onse was a non;e$ent. Their %u%ils" on a$erage" didnt dilate. ,hen $iewing the a y with the mother there was again" a non;e$ent. Generally s%eaking" nothing

ha%%ened. ,hen the men were shown %ictures o! a eauti!ul landsca%e" again" nothing ha%%ened. 1s soon as a man was shown a %hoto o! a eauti!ul woman" the %u%ils" on a$erage dilated to a ig and lack or . 1 man" it would a%%ear is $ery much turned DonE y the sight o! the eauti!ul woman" e$en a %icture o! one.

-u%il dilation y women" when in the %resence o! real;li$e men" is another matter. ,omen ty%ically are not $isually aroused y %hotogra%hs in the same way that men are. ,omen are $ery stimulated y some men in some conte2ts. ,hen women are sitting across !rom men who arouse them" their %u%ils do dilate. To the o ser$ant witness" it is o $ious. Most %eo%le are o li$ious to the enhanced %u%il si'e and yet it is one o! the most telling signals o! attraction.

1s a %u lic s%eaker" 5 8)&9 ha$e s%oken to hundreds and hundreds o! audiences all o$er the world. 1s 5 s%eak" 5 am aware o! the women whose eyes are ig and lack and 5 always address my %resentation to them" making eye contact with those who a%%ear to e most interested in me andJor what 5m saying. They dont know this is why 5 selected them to make eye contact with 8at least they didnt until now9. -art o! my *o is to e2cite and ins%ire an audience when 5 s%eak. There!ore 5 need to gain as much ra%%ort with the audience as 5 can. By making contact with the %eo%le who like me the most" 5 am a le to gain agreement !rom those %eo%le. They nod their heads" lean !orward" show interest" smile" and e$eryone in the audience sees how much !un they are ha$ing. 5n grou%s" head nods are like a $irus. 7nce one %erson nods his head almost e$eryone does3

5 recei$e all o! this %ositi$e !eed ack" in %art" ecause 5 dont *ust look at !aces in an audience. 5t is ecause 5 look at the eyes o! do'ens o! %eo%le in the audience and !ind the iggest %u%ils 5 can locate3 These searches are like a treasure hunt that always has a %ot o! gold at the end. 5! 5 can do this with an

audience o! @F or <FF" can you imagine how easy this is to do in a smaller grou%

at a %arty or in a %u lic %lace4 /tart %aying attention to the eyes that are looking at you.

#ou may wonder" D,hat i! you are wrong4 ,hat i! those eyes are *ust ig ecause they are among the women whose eyes are normally large4 Then arent you *ust !ooling yoursel! into elie$ing that all o! those %eo%le like you4 My res%onse is" D7! course.E ,hen you hallucinate" it should always con!idence3 1 little while ack there was a !ascinating study that re$ealed that when you show two %ictures o! the same woman to a man" the man will %ercei$e the %icture o! the woman with the iggest %u%ils to e signi!icantly more attracti$e. Many maga'ine co$er editors know this and actually touch u% the co$er %icture. 7 $iously in the right light o! a e something that increases your sel! esteem and sel!

%hotogra%hers studio the su *ects %u%ils would e $ery small. Because o! the im%ortance o! %u%il si'e and attraction" the models %u%ils are enlarged to e much larger than they %ossi ly could e. This makes the !inal %icture irresisti le to the maga'ine %urchaser. ,e sim%ly lo$e %eo%le with ig eyes3

>ye Contact

Men o!ten ask" D&ow can you tell when a woman is interested in you4E My res%onse is sim%le. D5! you see her gi$e you one glance" she saw you. 5! she looks ack in less than a minute" she !inds you attracti$e.E

Men will stare at women !or >F minutes and ne$er ha$e their ga'e

reci%rocated. Meanwhile" e$ery woman in the en$ironment can see who the man is interested in and direct their attention elsewhere3 ,omen" on the other hand" are more intuiti$e a out eye contact. They will look around a room and see who is there. They will gi$e second glances to those they are attracted to and a$oid men they are not interested in.

,hen eye contact is made" it is a good idea to gi$e someone Dan eye row !lash.E This is a Huick DraisingE o! your eye rows that lets the other %erson know that you are attracted to and interested in them. The eye row !lash is common to e$ery culture on earth. -eo%le who do not reci%rocate with an eye row !lash are sending a message that they are not interested. Make sure i! someone D!lashesE you that you !lash ack3

1!ter the !lash has ha%%ened you will !ind it uncom!orta le to maintain eye contact with that %erson !or more than a !ew seconds. There!ore" reak your eye contact a!ter a !ew seconds" look down and then ack again at the %erson you are interested in. :ook down" not u%. :ooking u% is usually a sign o! not eing interested in the other %erson" so e care!ul not to do that3 The eye row !lash is also a use!ul communication techniHue !or %eo%le you know well. /ometimes you can e communicating with a !riend and you ha$e no idea i! they are on the same %age as you are. 1re they with you4 The eye row !lash can sna% them out o! their trance and ring them ack to the %resent.

>ye Contact in F!ou s

(oting that the eyes ha$e long een descri ed as mirrors o! the soul" a NueenCs com%uter scientist is studying the e!!ect o! eye ga'e on con$ersation and the im%lications !or new;age technologies" ranging !rom $ideo con!erencing to s%eech recognition systems. +r. .oel Gertegaal" who is %resenting a %a%er on eye ga'e at an international con!erence in (ew 7rleans this week" has !ound e$idence to suggest a strong link etween the amount o! eye contact %eo%le recei$e and their degree o! %artici%ation in grou% communications. 0ye contact is known to increase the num er o! turns a %erson will take when %art o! a grou% con$ersation. The goal o! this study was to determine what ty%e o! Rga'eR 8looking at a %ersonCs eyes and !ace9 is reHuired to ha$e this e!!ect. Two conditions were studied: synchroni'ed 8where eye contact is made while the su *ect is s%eaking9 and random contact" recei$ed at any time in the con$ersation. The NueenCs study showed that the total amount o! ga'e recei$ed during a grou% con$ersation is more im%ortant than when the eye contact The !indings ha$e im%ortant im%lications !or the design o! !uture communication de$ices" including more user;!riendly and sensiti$e $ideo con!erencing systems V a technology increasingly chosen in usiness !or economic and time;sa$ing reasons V and Colla orati$e Girtual 0n$ironments 8CG0s9 which su%%ort communication etween %eo%le and machines. +r. GertegaalCs grou% is also im%lementing these !indings to !acilitate user interactions with large grou%s o! com%uters such as %ersonal digital assistants and cellular %hones. The eye contact e2%eriment used com%uter;generated images !rom actors who con$eyed di!!erent le$els o! attention 8ga'ing at the su *ect" ga'ing at the other actor"

looking away" and looking down9. These images were %resented to the su *ects" who elie$ed they were in an actual three;way $ideo con!erencing situation" attem%ting to sol$e language %u''les. The researchers concluded that %eo%le in grou% discussions will s%eak u% more i! they recei$e a greater amount o! eye contact !rom other grou% mem ers. There was no relationshi% etween the im%act o! the eye contact and when it occurred.

>ye Contact in Intimate Settings

The amount o! eye contact and the ty%e o! eye contact we ha$e with another %erson is im%ortant. Consider intimate settings. ,omen ha$e a $ariety o! res%onses to lengthy eye contact. Most women lo$e to e the only %erson a man will look at in a room. They want undi$ided attention and are aroused when they recei$e it. &owe$er" there are a %ercentage o! women who ha$e a !ear o! eing dominated or eing harmed y men. The roots o! these !ears usually stem !rom a time when they were younger. They may ha$e een harmed or a used y a man. These women do not !eel com!orta le with lengthy eye contact. There!ore what hel%s one woman !eel com!orta le and cared !or will Huickly create discom!ort in others.

Men on the other hand" tend to !ind e2clusi$e eye contact" $ery arousing. Men rarely ha$e !ears related to eye contact when they are with a woman they like. Men and women oth want to e the center o! the other %ersons world. 5n !act" the most charismatic and charming %eo%le are those who can make the

world melt away around another %erson. ,hat does the research show a out

enhancing communication e!!ecti$eness with eye contact4 Lse the BFK rule in the Lnited /tates. BFK o! the time you will look at the other %erson in the Deye triangle.E This triangle e2tends !rom the ends o! the eye rows to the ti% o! the %ersons nose. 5! you are with someone who you are in an intimate relationshi% with or %ursuing one with you can do this wonder!ul $isual $oyage. Caress your %artner with your eyes as you ga'e in this triangle. ,hen you reak eye contact" do not reak to look at another %erson. )ee% your !ocus o! attention with this %erson. ,hen you intentionally reak your eye contact" do so y looking down" to the le!t" or to the right. :ooking u% in res%onse to a Huestion or while telling a story is *ust !ine" ut looking u% to reak eye contact is o!ten thought o! as a sign o! waning interest3

1nother way to reak eye contact is to mo$e your eyes outside o! the triangle and mo$e your eyes to the %ersons hair" com%liment the %erson 8only women in this case9 on how nice their hair looks and then return to their eyes. 7n a !irst date" a man should use what 5 call the Dshoulders rule.E 1 man should only ga'e at e$erything that a%%ears a o$e the shoulders on a !irst date. 5n usiness" this is o $iously a must. ,omen s%end =;<F times more time getting ready to go into %u lic.

5n usiness or %leasure" men des%erately want eye contact with women. Men gauge the interest o! a woman y her eye contact. Men are $ery com%etiti$e and

territorial when it comes to women looking at other men. They see this as a sign

that the woman is no longer interested in them" or that the interest is !ading. There!ore" i! a woman wants to continue to attract the man" the woman needs to maintain stead!ast eye contact. 1 mans sel! esteem will crum le i! a woman egins to o ser$e all the male com%etition when in the %resence o! a man. This is true in usiness or %leasure.

7n the other hand" we can sa!ely %redict that i! we ha$e the !ull attention o! the one we are with" they hold us in esteem to some degree. There is no other indicator that is as %ower!ul as eye contact that can show interest in another %erson. 7ur eyes unconsciously and automatically mo$e toward that which interests or arouses us. ,e all know that and we all *udge our $alue in some %art y the res%onse we recei$e !rom other %eo%le.

How does eye colo! cause changes in communication,

5n communication its always a mistake to assume that little things dont matter. 1!ter all" its o $ious now that you think a out it" to look good when communicating. But it would e ridiculous to think that things that are com%letely eyond our control like eye color" could matter in communication. Think Cameron +ia' looks sweet4 Ganessa ,illiams is se2y4 Julia .o erts seems intelligent4 5t may e due to their eye color" according to a recent sur$ey conducted y Cy er-ulseW" a di$ision o! 5m%ulse .esearch Cor%oration in :os 1ngeles" !ound that %eo%le o!ten associate di!!erent eye colors with s%eci!ic

%ersonality traits. The sur$ey also determined that it may e %ossi le !or an

indi$idual to in!luence %eo%leCs %erce%tion o! them sim%ly y changing the color o! their eyes with colored contact lenses. The %ersonality trait that res%ondents o! the study most associated with rown eyes was intelligence with >? %ercent o! res%ondents saying this. Brown;eyed %eo%le were also thought to e trustworthy 8<A %ercent said this9 and kind 8<> %ercent9. Nualities they least associated with rown;eyed indi$iduals were shyness 8A %ercent9 and creati$ity 8? %ercent9. /ur$ey results show that lue;eyed indi$iduals are most o!ten seen as e2uding sweetness 8?= %ercent9" and eing se2y 8=< %ercent9 and kind 8<F %ercent9" ut not shy 8? %ercent9 or trustworthy 8= %ercent9. 5n contrast to rown eyes" lue eyes are not ty%ically associated with eing smart as only B %ercent o! res%ondents thought o! lue;eyed %eo%le as intelligent.

Twenty;nine %ercent o! res%ondents associated green eyes with se2iness. Green;eyed %eo%le are also thought o! as creati$e 8=@ %ercent9 and a little de$ious 8=F %ercent9. :ike their lue;eyed counter%arts" they are not considered trustworthy 8> %ercent9 or shy 8> %ercent9" ut in contrast" %eo%le with green eyes are not thought o! as sweet 8only ? %ercent o! res%ondents associated green eyes with eing sweet9.

7! the res%ondents" AF %ercent e2%ressed an interest in changing their eye color. More res%ondents would change their eye color to green 8=B %ercent9 than any other color. 5n second %lace" =A %ercent o! those sur$eyed said that they would change their eye color to amethyst" and <8 %ercent said that they would

change their eye color to lue. 1!ter lue" turHuoise came in !ourth %lace with <>

%ercent o%ting !or that color" !ollowed y gray 8B %ercent9" honey 8@ %ercent9 and rown 8? %ercent9.

.esearch also re$eals that %eo%le with lue eyes are more demanding o! eye contact than %eo%le with rown eyes. 5t is Huite easy !or us to look at a %erson with lue eyes and see the si'e o! their %u%ils. ,hen they e2%and and contract it is e$ident. The %erson with lue eyes is used to %eo%le looking at them !or an e2tended amount o! time" in %art" ecause o! the contrast etween their lue eyes and lack %u%ils. The contrast can e striking at an unconscious le$el. -eo%le with rown eyes on the other hand are used to other %eo%le looking away more ra%idly ecause at the unconscious le$el it a%%ears that the %erson with rown eyes is not as interested in them3 The rown eyes %resent a weaker contrast to the lack %u%ils. 5t o!ten a%%ears at the unconscious le$el that those rown eyes are not interested in us3 There!ore we tend to look away !rom the %erson with rown eyes when in !act they may ha$e een $ery interested in what we are saying3

,hen the %erson you are communicating with someone who has rown eyes you must %ay more attention to their eyes to see the contrast etween the lack and the rown. ,hat seemed to e an uninterested %erson may e someone who is actually Huite interested in you and what you are saying3 Con!irming our elie!s a out the $alue o! eye contact in attraction is a study that was done some years ago. -eo%le watched !ilms o! a cou%le that

communicated with each other in two distinct ways. The !irst !ilm showed a cou%le that had eye contact during 8FK o! their communication. The second !ilm showed a cou%le that had eye contact <@K o! the time. The o ser$ers o! the !ilms rated the cou%les that had eye contact <@K o! the time as cold" cautious" su missi$e" e$asi$e" de!ensi$e and immature 8among others9. The o ser$ers o! the !ilms whose cou%les had eye contact 8FK o! the time descri ed the %eo%le in the !ilm as mature" !riendly" sel! con!ident" sincere and natural.

-he >yes Don't (ie

,hene$er you are in a situation where attraction takes %lace there is %lenty o! room !or dece%tion3 -eo%le ha$e een known to stretch the truth a out their age and income" their intentions and e$en their degree o! lo$e !or another. The eyes act as a leading indicator o! truth and dece%tion. 5n <MMB and <MM8 5 was heard on hundreds o! radio shows talking a out the ody language o! -resident Clinton" Monica :ewinsky" )athleen ,iley" &illary Clinton and numerous other key %layers in the ,hite &ouse scandal that led to the -residents im%eachment. The inter$iewers wanted to know who was telling the truth" who was lying and what the !acts were ased on the ody language cues 5 was reading. &a$ing care!ully watched this -resident !or almost B years" 5 was !amiliar with his e$ery !acial e2%ression and ody %osture. -resident Clinton certainly was the most charismatic %resident since John )ennedy. &is a ility to e2cite an audience

and win o$er %eo%le who disagreed with him is legendary. &e is an outstanding s%eaker who thri$es on eing in the limelight. There were howe$er two s%eeches and the !amous grand *ury testimony where the -resident was not his usual charismatic sel!. 7n these three occasions he was uncom!orta le a out the dece%tion he needed to %artake in. The !irst was when he shook his right !inger at the world and said"

5 did not ha$e se2 with that woman" Monica :ewinsky.

The ne2t was during the grand *ury testimony where he was $ideota%ed !rom the ,hite &ouse. The third was the s%eech he ga$e that $ery e$ening" a!ter the grand *ury testimony" when he o!!ered his regret !or eing in$ol$ed in the situation. 7n these three occasions his eyes ga$e him away as eing dece%ti$e. The one s%eech that 5 want to share in!ormation with you a out is the s%eech where he a%ologi'ed !or his eha$ior.

For B years 5 watched the -resident communicate with the country and e$en though he had een called D/lick ,illie"E his ody language rarely indicated any internal discom!ort with what he communicated to the %u lic. 5n this %articular Da%ology s%eechE howe$er" his an2iety" !ear and dece%tion cures were $ery high. ,hen 5 watch someone to see i! they are eing dece%ti$e" 5 look to the eyes !or im%ortant cues. 5 want to es%ecially know how many Eeye linksE %er minute a %erson e2%eriences in contrast to when they are telling the truth. For B years -resident Clintons Deye linkE %attern is that o! a out B;<= links %er minute. That is $ery normal. +uring the Da%ology s%eechE howe$er his eye linking was recorded at BF %er minute3 ,hat that means is that on some le$el" the -resident was eing dece%ti$e in his communication.

7nce eye irritants like contact lenses and allergies are ruled out" the only

U Generally s%eaking" the longer the eye contact etween two %eo%le" the greater the intimacy that is !elt inside. U :iking generally increases as mutual ga'ing increases. internal e2%erience that will cause eyes to link at that is the e2%erience o! an2iety U 7thers rarely interru%t two %eo%le engaged in %ace a con$ersation i! they ha$e consistent eye contact. normally associated with dece%tion. U -u%ils also enlarge when %eo%le are talking a out things that ring them *oy or ha%%iness. They o!ten contract when discussing issues that ring them sadness. #ouU should know that %eo%le ha$e eyes that ne$er link and acan small num er o! ,omen are some etter non;$er al communicators than men. Men im%ro$e though. 7ne reason men arent as good in reading ody language is that men o!ten %eo%le ha$e eye tics thator *ust wont side sto% y linking. 7n a$erage though" a %erson al will link communicate sitting standing side and dont see as much non;$er communication as women do. !rom %er minute. a %erson isthan eing dece%ti$e their eyes will link @;<= U B;<@ times ,omen engage in ,hen more eye contact men do. U 0ye contact has een shown to e a signi!icant !actor in the %ersuasion %rocess. times %ace. women :ike %u%il dilation" controlling eye links is $ery i! not U that ,hen are engaged in a great degree o! eye contact" they di!!icult tend to e more sel!;disclosing a out %ersonal su *ects. im%ossi le.,hen Take a moment right here and now. /im%ly try and kee% your eyes tend o%ento !or >F U eye contact decreases men tend to disclose more and women disclose less3 seconds without linking. 5ts not easy is it4more (ow sel! heres another !orto you to do. U The longer your eye contact" the esteem youe2%eriment are %ercei$ed ha$e. U The more eye contact you can maintain" the higher sel! esteem you actually rate /tare at asel! !riend your on3!or >F seconds. (o linking is allowed.

5t is $ery di!!icult to sto% your eyes !rom linking3 5! you are in con$ersation where someone is telling you a out something" and suddenly you notice a ig *um% in the num er o! eye links %er minute" you can sa!ely et there is some dece%ti$e eha$ior going on somewhere in what they are saying3 The eyes may or may not e the windows to the soul ut they certainly are strongly linked to the emotions and the entire make u% o! the rains res%onses to other %eo%le.

Sound .ytes +!om Scienti+ic Resea!ch

)ou ;eve! Fet to Communicate i+ )ou Don

'

t #ake a F!eat Im !ession

-erha%s the greatest mistake o! all is missing the o%%ortunity to hit the radar screen o! %eo%le you would like to communicate with. -erha%s the second greatest mistake would e to want to communicate with someone and they ha$e taken you o!! their radar screen ecause they *ust got a D ad !eelingE a out you. Two seconds. Thats it. Thats a out all you ha$e to make your !irst im%ression on another %erson. They will either e interested or not. #ou certainly can change that im%ression later" i! you get a !urther o%%ortunity to do that. &owe$er" there will always e something in that ack o! their mind that remem ers that !irst moment that they saw you.

That might e a good thing. They might ha$e caught you doing a heroic act and will always remem er that incident no matter what you do a!ter that. 7r they may ha$e caught you at your worst" and will ha$e to o$ercome that im%ression" always trying to recti!y that against what they later learn a out you that is %ositi$e.

)ou have two to th!ee seconds to im !ess a e!son. -hey will eithe! like you o! they won't.

5! you still are not con$inced" go to the mall" to a ar or to a restaurant. :ook

around at e$eryone there. &ow long do your eyes rest on that other %erson e!ore you ha$e made a *udgment a out them4 1re they attracti$e4 1re they interesting4 1re they worth the e!!ort to %ossi ly get to know them4 5t doesnt take long to make that assessment" does it4 ,hen you look around the room" what is it that really strikes you a out a %erson4 ,hat is it that you notice !irst4 ,hen scanning that room" how many o! them do you not e$en see4 That may sound odd" ut its true. ,e ha$e !ilters in our minds that actually !ilter %eo%le" o *ects and e$ents out o! our minds. 5t is like looking through a %er!orated shield. /ome o! DrealityE is com%letely locked out o! $ision. This is a con$enience to the conscious mind as it narrows the decision;making %rocess and relie$es us o! the e!!ort. 5n our usy world there is *ust too much in!ormation coming at us in any gi$en moment. 5! we had to try to consciously determine which o! those e$ents or o *ects to %ay attention to in each and e$ery moment" we would e e2hausted and ha$e no energy or rain s%ace le!t o$er to do the things that we deem im%ortant. &a$e you e$er een out with a !riend and they make re!erence to someone" only to !ind out that you didnt e$en reali'e that %erson was there4 Be!ore we e$en get to the %hase o! sorting who is interesting and who is not" an unconscious !iltering system has already narrowed the !ield. -eo%le that are com%letely indistinct to us" or that o!!er no interesting %ossi ilities" may e

com%letely shut out o! our !ield o! $ision. For teens that may e middle;aged to

elderly %eo%le" !or instance. They may !ind Dno useE !or them" and there!ore dont e$en see them consciously. /o our unconscious mind con$eniently !ilters out the things that it has determined to e unnecessary at the moment. 7! course" it could e wrong3 ,hat is le!t !or us to do is to look through the remaining holes in that %er!orated screen. ,e allow oursel$es to %ay attention to the narrowed !ield o! $ision. 5n doing so" we then egin the sorting %rocess that tells us who is interesting and attracti$e" and who is not.

0ach o! us has these !iltering and sorting systems that we use to hone in to %ossi le mates" %otential !riends" and %eo%le we want to e associated with. ,e will ha$e di!!erent criteria !or each o! these categories. 5! we are seeking out usiness associates" we will ha$e a certain system o! detecting who will o!!er a %romising connection. ,e may e attracted to someone who a%%ears to e sel!; con!ident" in control" and %ro!essional. ,hen we are making new !riends" our sorting !actors are di!!erent !rom that. ,e may e attracted to %eo%le who a%%ear similar to oursel$es. Those who e2hi it similar tastes in clothes" hairstyle" ho ies and interests" marital status" and economic le$el would more

likely come into $iew. #et" when we are seeking out a romantic relationshi%" we ha$e an entirely uniHue system o! sorting. 5t is ased on our %ast e2%eriences" %resent conditions" and ho%es and e2%ectations !or our !uture. Generally" when we are

searching !or the right mate or li!e %artner" our guidelines ecome more s%eci!ic and detailed.

Rega!dless o+ what those s eci+ic c!ite!ia a!e, the im !ession will be instantaneous. 6e +ilte! out anyone who doesn't meet ou! unconscious standa!ds.

1 man who has een Icleaned out in a di$orce" a usinessman who has een ri%%ed o!! y a %artner" a woman who is coming out o! an a usi$e relationshi%" or a teenager who is looking !or their !irst lo$e are all going to ha$e indi$iduali'ed !iltering systems. 1nd as we mo$e through li!e" our own criteria !or sorting will change. 1s we mature" as we gain more e2%erience" whether %ositi$e or negati$e" we ad*ust our assessment o! what is ene!icial and desira le to us" and what needs to e a$oided.

-he $i!st Flance: P!elude to Communication

The $ery !irst im%ressions will e ased on the %ersons %hysical a%%earance and their mannerisms. These would include clothing" hair" cleanliness" neatness" countenance"

%osture" !acial !eatures" weight" height" %ro%ortions" !itness" health" !acial e2%ressions" hand gestures" grace and $oice tone.

,hat strikes you !irst a out a %erson will change as you look !rom one

indi$idual to another. #ou might notice one %erson ecause o! their hair" while another %erson draws your attention ased on the way they mo$e and smile. From our own %ers%ecti$e" we think we know e$erything that we need to know a out a %erson !rom that !irst glance. 5t is highly discriminating" unconscious and instantaneous. 5t is a natural" and actually an im%ortant" sur$i$al tool. /ince the earliest days o! mankind" it has een necessary to e a le to instantly discern danger" and tell the di!!erence etween !riend and !oe. ,ithout these discernment standards we would e attracted to e$eryone eHually. ,ithout our critical !actors it would e as natural to e in lo$e with &itler as it would e with -rincess +iana. 7! course" this ty%e o! discernment should not e con!used with

generali'ed %re*udices. /o we think that we know e$erything a out a %erson !rom that !irst glance" ut in truth we are %ro a ly Huite o!! the mark. &ow many times ha$e we dismissed a %erson or !ailed to e im%ressed until we got to know them etter4 &ow o!ten ha$e we een ama'ed at our de%th o! !ascination in another %erson ut not until a lengthier con$ersation4 5t ha%%ens all the time. &owe$er" thats not the %oint. The %oint is that we" as humans" wont normally get that !ar i! the initial attraction isnt there !irst. 5t is true that a lot o! relationshi%s egin a!ter a %erson has had numerous contacts with a %erson o$er a %eriod o! time. 5n these cases the %erson has had the o%%ortunity to warm u% to that other %erson ased on something more than *ust the !irst glance. But we dont always ha$e that o%%ortunity. 1nd" certainly"

creating that scenario" and that o%%ortunity" takes time" %atience" and

%erse$erance ; things that" in our modern world" we dont always ha$e a lot o!3 /o once again" the initial im%ression ; that !irst glance ; is so $itally im%ortant. ,ouldnt it *ust e sim%ler to start out on the right !oot" with a great !irst im%ression4 5! Iyes" you are %rimed !or %ositi$e communication. Saying Hello and Shaking Hands

,hat should e the most natural thing in the world has ecome one o! the most di!!icult. &ow do you say hello to your client4 ,alk into the o!!ice with e2cellent %osture taking medium length strides and say" D&i" 5m )e$in &ogan" the author o! the -sychology o! -ersuasion" youre John" right4 (ice to meet you.E 7n the word John" you shake hands. 5! you walk into the o!!ice and your client takes the lead y introducing himsel!" sim%ly !ollow his lead and shake hands as he e2tends his.

&old his hands !or two or three eats and gently release it. 1ssuming you shake hands with your right hands" your le!t hand should (7T take %art in this ritual. &ere are the ten keys o! shaking hands %ro%erly. ;ine Do's and Don'ts o+ Shaking Hands

. 1lways maintain eye contact when shaking hands.

+o not use the in!amous two hand" handshake.

. +o not gra his el ow with your le!t hand. . +o not hold their hand !or more than two seconds. . +o not sHuee'e to crush their hand. . +o not try to get a etter gri% than your client. . +o not ha$e a lim% handshake. . #our hand should e !irm ut under control. . #our hands should e dry and warm.

Do )ou 6alk $unny,

Many %eo%le do. ,hen 5 8)&9 mo$ed !rom the Chicago area to a small rural town in Minnesota in my senior year o! high school" 5 learned this lesson the hard way. 5 had won a role in a %lay called" DThe Cruci leE as the .e$erend &ale. 5t was a wonder!ul role !or the young %erson that 5 was. Ln!ortunately" 5 didnt walk DnormallyE and my %osture was terri le. 5 had a it o! a DswaggerE and my shoulders ounced as 5 walked. 5t was cute" to some" ut it was a sign o! ad %osture and needed correcting. The dramas director" John Fogarty" needed his .e$erend to walk with an air o! con!idence and not a DChicago shu!!le.E &e decided he would tie !i$e %ound weights to each o! my ankles. (ow that may not seem like a lot o! weight ut imagine a hal! o! a gallon o! milk tied to each o! your ankles. 5t slows you down and straightens you u%. 5 had to wear these weights all day !or si2 weeks. 1t the

end o! the si2 weeks 5 walked u%right and not like the Cro;Magnon man 5 had ecome accustomed to.

5n li!e we all %lay roles. ,e %lay the roles o! %arents and s%ouses. ,e %lay the roles o! $olunteers and usiness %eo%le. 1s a sales%erson" you %lay the most im%ortant role o! all. #ou %lay the role o! a %erson who literally hel%s the world go around.

,hen you are walking" you should e walking as i! a ig hand was scooting you along y %utting %ressure on your utt to go !orward. This is an im%ortant !irst ste% to im%ro$ed %osture. -ractice walking around the house as i! a ig hand was %ushing you gently and slowly !orward y scooting your utt !orward. That will hel% you with your walk and your %osture. The alternati$e is the weights...and that is a lot o! work.

How Do I Communicate with F!ou s,

0$erything you ha$e read u% until this %oint still a%%lies o! course. -resentations sim%ly o!!er a !ew more challenges and a !ew greater rewards. 5! you are %resenting to a grou% you already know that you ha$e something im%ortant enough to say to get the attention o! the grou%. (o one in the grou% showed u% y accident.

)now what you are going to say in ad$ance. #ou dont ha$e to write out your %resentation. 5n !act" unless you are the -resident o! the Lnited /tates" no one will listen i! you do.

There are a !ew keys to s%eaking e!ore grou%s. 7ne is seat selection. 5!

you are the key s%eaker and will e s%eaking !rom the one and only ta le you want to sit on an end or in the middle o! one o! the two sides. 5! you ha$e any known detractors o! your %roduct or ser$ice" you should ha$e them sit to your immediate le!t or immediate right. These are the least %ower!ul %ositions on the ta le. (otice that in %residential %ress con!erences where mem ers o! oth %arties are %resent at a seated ta le" -resident Clinton always had the house .e%u lican leaders seated immediately ne2t to him. These %ositions ha$e no !ocal attention and rarely s%eak with any credi ility. 5! you ha$e to s%eak e!ore a grou% and you ha$e a %odium you ha$e an o%%ortunity to make or reak a sale y a strategy that 5 disco$ered y watching tele$ision e$angelists. This strategy takes some time to master ut is remarka ly e!!ecti$e.

Communicate with St!ategic #ovement,

The most %ower!ul non$er al %rocess you can use with an audience that must determine as a grou% to D uyE or Dnot uyE your %roducts or ser$ices is that o! strategic mo$ement. 7ther sales trainers call similar strategies s%atial anchoring. Both are a%%lica le and here is what strategic mo$ement is all a out. +o you remem er Johnny Carson4 &e was the host o! the Tonight /how !or almost >F years e!ore Jay :eno took o$er in the <MMFs. 0ach night that Johnny came out he stood on a small star which marked e2actly where he was

su%%osed to stand. 5t was the est s%ot on the entire stage !or camera angles"

connecting with the audience and ecause o! the curtain ack dro%" we knew without seeing Johnnys !ace that he was there and not a guest host" who would stand on a di!!erent star. The only thing Johnny e$er did !rom this s%eci!ic location was make %eo%le laugh. &e didnt wander around the stage and tell his *okes. &e stood right there and made %eo%le laugh. There were many nights when Johnny literally could *ust stand on his star and %eo%le would laugh. That is s%atial anchoring. 1udience laughter was anchored 8conditioned to9 Johnnys standing on his star.

,hen 5 8)&9 !irst $isited (BC in <M8?" 5 thought it was !ascinating that only Johnny stood on that star. 1t the time 5 thought it was an ego tri% or some it o! arrogance on the %art o! Carson. &ow wrong 5 was. 5 knew nothing at that time o! s%atial anchoring and strategic mo$ement. ,hen you are called on to make your sales %resentation in !ront o! a grou%" you are on stage. #ou are the star. #ou will want to select three s%eci!ic %oints on the stage" or in the meeting room !rom which to s%eak. 0ach o! these %oints is a s%eci!ic location and not an a%%ro2imate area. -oint D1E is your %odium. -odiums and lecterns are used y teachers and %reachers. There!ore" the %odium 8%oint D1E9 will always e used only to relay !actual in!ormation to your audience.

#ou will choose a %oint to your le!t a out !our !eet !rom your %odium that you will deli$er all o! the ad news discussed in your %resentation. 8#ou cant

make many sales without %ainting a $i$id %icture a out how ad things will get i!

the cor%oration doesnt hire you.9 The ad news %oint" is %oint DBE and you will only talk a out %ro lems and anything that is going to e %ercei$ed as D adE y your audience. -oint DBE will e a%%ro2imately !our !eet to the le!t o! the %odium. -oint DCE will e a%%ro2imately two and one hal! !eet to the right o! the %odium and you will always %aint u%li!ting" %ositi$e" e2citing" moti$ating %ictures !rom this location. 0$erything we want the audience to agree with will e discussed !rom this %oint a!ter we esta lish this as the Dgood news %oint.E 5magine that you are gi$ing your %resentation !or this grou% and you need to e $ery %ersuasi$e. My !a$orite e2am%le here is that o! !und raising !or a charity. #our *o 4 Get a ig check !or your !a$orite charity. #ou %lace your !older or notes on the %odium and immediately walk to DBE %oint. #ou tell a story a out a hurting child or a su!!ering indi$idual. #ou then e2%lain how this one incidence is !ar !rom isolated. #ou mo$e to the %odium. #ou e2%ound the !acts and !igures a out the de$astation o! the %ro lem that you are asking the grou% to hel% sol$e y making a ig donation. (ow you mo$e to %oint DC"E where you will ecome e2cited a out how the charita le organi'ation is currently sol$ing the %ro lems and hel%ing the su!!ering you talked a out at DB.E 0$erything that is good and wonder!ul you will DanchorE into %oint DC.E

1s you conclude your s%eech you will ha$e a %ath that you ha$e laid. #ou ha$e mo$ed !rom 1 to B to C to B to 1" se$eral times. )ou conclude on oint 7C9 because it is the good news and o++e!s each e!son to a!tici ate in

healing the wounds you o ened at

..

The truly uniHue tactic in strategic mo$ement is the a ility to su tly answer Huestions at the unconscious le$el without saying anything signi!icant on the conscious le$el. 5magine that the audience is gi$en the o%%ortunity !or Huestions and answers with you. 1n indi$idual in the audience asks you a out the grou%s considerations o! donating to a com%eting charita le organi'ation. D,ell" o! course" you know that charity is a good charity and there would e nothing wrong with that...o! course...8walking to %oint DCE9 y taking ad$antage o! the %lan that we ha$e" we can accom%lish all o! the goals that you want to ha$e accom%lished in the community. 5m sure you reali'e it is u% to you to make it ha%%en. ,e can only hel% those who need it i! you make a decision tonight.E +iscussing the other charity in a neutral or slightly %ositi$e manner !rom %oint DBE" allows you to unconsciously associate all o! the negati$e !eelings to your Dcom%etitorE and you sol$e the %ro lem as you mo$e to the DCE %oint. 5! you !ind this mani%ulati$e then you are working !or the wrong charity. 5! anyone else is more Huali!ied to hel% a grou%" sells a etter %roduct or o!!ers a etter ser$ice" you should e working !or them3

There is no more %ower!ul manner o! utili'ing s%ace than that o! s%atial anchoring and then using strategic mo$ement. The ne2t time you watch a great s%eaker" notice how he or she utili'es strategic mo$ement. 5! they stay at the %odium" notice how all the good news is gi$en while gesturing with hand D1E and all the ad news is discussed when gesturing with the other hand. The greatest s%eakers are masters o! s%atial anchoring and strategic mo$ement.

Communicate with .ody (anguag

. The right side is where you make the est im%ression. . -u%ils dilate when they are interested in what they see. . .a%id eye links o!ten mean an2iety and dece%tion. . Forward leaning is a sign o! liking. . 0ye contact when it isnt necessary is almost always a good sign. . BFK eye contact is *ust a out right in the L/1. . #our ody weight sends a message. . #our hairstyle s%eaks $olumes. . &air%ieces usually indicate insecurity. . .a%%ort egins y matching %hysiology. . ,omen !eel com!orta le when men are *ust a it elow eye le$el. . ,omen !eel com!orta le when you are straight across !rom them. . Men !eel com!orta le when you are at a MF degree angle !rom them. . Touch is a sign o! liking. . (od your head. 5t unconsciously a!!irms your client. . :ook out !or leakage: 1 sure sign o! ner$ousness.

The nose usually engorges when the %erson is dece%ti$e

+ress to the situation is a%%ro%riate

.adical dress means the %erson is making a statement. ,hat

/%atial anchoring is a %ower!ul non;$er al communication tool

The %eo%le who sit in

Mom and +ad

s chairs are looked to !o

assurance. . The %erson sitting ne2t to the %erson standing u% has no %ower. . -eo%le in ra%%ort tend to synchroni'e together. . -hysical attracti$eness means more than we wish it would. . Blue;eyed %eo%le e2%ect to e looked at more than others. . /cents o! $anilla are considered %ositi$e in the L/1. . 7ur !ace $alue goes u% with each e2%osure3 . (egati$e emotions are usually triggered on the right side o! the

rain. . /mile. 5ts tough to resist a sincere smile.

.emem er" non$er al communication makes u% a%%ro2imately =J> o! all communication. Follow the sim%le ti%s in this cha%ter and your $er al communication will e richer and more meaning!ul.

Cha%ter 0igh

5gnoring the Cycle o! 0!!ecti$e Communicatio

Men think di!!erently than women. 5ts that whole MarsJGenus thing. 1ny man who has e$er tried to !igure out what women really want knows this to e true. 5t seems to most men that women make the rules and e$ery time men get close to understanding those rulesQ the rules get changed.

1ny woman that has tried to understand why men ne$er seem to grow u% %ast the little oy stage also know this to e true. ,omen understand that !or a man to e e2cited a out something" it has to e loud" !ast and red. Just like those little toy cars that we used to %ush around the !loor going Garoooooooom. Men *ust get igger" louder" more e2%ensi$e toys as we grow older. +ay a!ter day" men and women interact with each other socially" %ro!essionally" and intimately and sometime during that day many ha$e walked away" shaking their heads" trying to deci%her e2actly what the other %arty *ust said or what went wrong in the con$ersation etween them. 02actly what ha%%ened4 1nd how +5+ it ha%%en4

5t ha%%ened ecause $ery !ew o! us recogni'e and understand the cycle o! communication etween men and women. ,e may share the same language

together" ut de!initely not the same communication %atterns. /ometimes" e$en when

we do understand these %atterns" we ignore them. Most %sychothera%ists agree that i! %eo%le communicated etter" there would e !ewer emotional and %sychological %ro lems. Most %eo%le try to e interesting when they should e interested. 5$e s%ent countless hours researching what works in communication. 5$e read ooks" listened to lectures" %oured o$er research material" inter$iewed %eo%le in$ol$ed in success!ul relationshi%s" done my homework and ha$e !ound one thing that ha%%ens consistently. (o matter how much we learnQ we still ha$e to %ractice what we %reach.

Just this morning 5 8./9 was working on a %ro*ect with my youngest daughter. ,e were engrossed in attem%ting to !it together @FFF %ieces o! a %u''le. My wi!e came in where we were workingQ e2cited a out something she had read that she wanted to share with me.

(ow" i! you ha$e e$er tried to %ut together one o! those ty%e %u''les" you know @FFF %ieces is 1:7T lot o! %ieces. My dear wi!e was e2%laining this new theory and conce%t that she had *ust read as 5 was searching the ta le" trying to !ind %ieces the %u''le" attem%ting in $ain to !it them together and listening to her. 7nly 5 wasnt listening <FFK. -ro a ly not e$en @FK. 5t wasnt !air to my wi!e to shut her out like that and 5 knew it was wrong" ut somehow" eyond my immediate com%rehension" my rain" muddled and o$erwhelmed y the sight o! @FFF %u''le %ieces" still did it. ,hy4 Funny" that was the same thing she asked me.

7ne o! the reasons %eo%le !ail in communicating with each other is they !ail to !ully understand what the other %arty

wants

e!ore they try to

understood. Just as in the e2am%le o! the %u''le a o$e" 5 !ailed to understand the im%ortance o! what my wi!e was attem%ting to tell me and y the time 5 did" it was too late to re%air the damage that had een done. The cycle o! eing ignored ; 1nger" .e*ection" &urt !eelings had set in and 5 ne$er ha$e !ound out what was so im%ortant that she had to tell me.

&earing someone instead o! listening to them and !ailing to understand what is eing said e!ore trying to make your %oint are oth con$ersationJrelationshi% killers.

1 good way to a$oid this is directly !ocusing on the %erson s%eaking" setting aside whate$er you are doing and listening. Gi$ing that %erson all your attention" making them the most im%ortant star in the uni$erse !or as long as they are s%eaking. Then a!ter they are through s%eakingQ %ara%hrasing what they ha$e said to make sure that their %oint has een !ully understood y you.

02am%le: D5 read this interesting article that said the cycles o! the moon can e!!ect our eha$iors.E

D.eally" let me %ut this %u''le %iece down and tell me a out it. There we go. /o" it said that the moon could really control our mood and eha$iorE4

5n this day and age" the term

multi;tasking

or

doing <F things at once

has ecome our nations u''word !or the decade. 5n reality" it

s sim%ly im%ossi le to do.

The human mind isnt ca%a le o! holding two thoughts simultaneously" and ecomes disoriented" disassociating !rom each o! them. Because our minds %rocess in!ormation so !astQ 8some research has shown s%eeds o! o$er one million ytes o! in!ormation %er

second9 its easy to think we can do many things at once" such as listen to your wi!e while %utting together a %u''le. The reality is while we can do many thingsQ we do many things one at a time. <ndivided attention is the only way to harmony in relationshi%s. .y making othe!s +eel s ecial, they will !ealiKe how s ecial you a!e.

Can you read someone elses mind4 5 cant and %ro a ly neither can you. Most o! us werent orn gi!ted with this %sychic a ility. Then why do we e2%ect our %artners and s%ouses to do this" then ecome u%set and angry with them when they cant %er!orm this ama'ing !eat either4

1nother large %iece in the communication %u''le is not asking !or what you want.

0$en more dangerous to a relationshi% is not asking !or what you want and

e2%ecting the other %erson to

know

anyway.

5! 5 had a dollar !or e$ery %erson that has come into my thera%y o!!ice and told me that i! only their wi!e" hus and" kids" %arentsQ would ha$e *ust told them what they needed !rom them" they might still o! had a relationshi% with themQ 5 would e a rich man right now.

,e are taught !rom childhood that its wrong to ask !or what we want. Most %arents" at one time or another" u%on entering a store ha$e looked their children in the eye and told them"E +ont e$en think a out asking !or something. The answer is (73E. 1s its rein!orced o$er time" that em edded command sticks with us through childhood and into adulthood. Those commands not to ask !or anything dont ha$e to e $er al ut can e non;$er al as well.

&eres an e2am%le: 7ur %arents take us to a !riends house and there is a candy owl sitting on the co!!ee ta le" o$er!lowing with mouth;watering delights. ,e want a %iece o! candy !rom that owl. ,e egin to ask !or what we desire" the candy" and get that DlookE !rom our mother that we all to well know the meaning o!. ,e ecome certain that there must e a cons%iracy etween %arents o! small children to %lace mouth; watering owls o! candy on co!!ee ta les *ust to get little kids into trou le.

Mom ga$e us that DlookE ecause she didnt want our sticky little kid !inger%rints all o$er her est !riends !reshly %olished co!!ee ta le" not ecause she was %art o! a %arental cons%iracy.

But ecause o! the !act we all had the same asic model o! mom" many o! us

cant and dont ask !or what we desire. 7h" we might dro% DhintsEQ D,ow" that would really look nice on me and its on sale too3E ,e lea$e maga'ines o%en to a certain %age" circled in red ink to show what we want" in ho%es that our s%ouses DreadE our minds and then we ecome $ery !rustrated when they dont. They must not lo$e us anymore" the magic has le!t the relationshi% we think" when all that has really taken %lace is our s%ouses" our %artners are not su%erhuman eings with mind;reading ca%a ilities. They are sim%ly normal3 5nstead o! going through all the drama o! mind reading" wouldnt it e much easier to e2%ress e2actly what we want in the !irst %lace.

#ou would think so" ut actually doing it is another thing. ,e could e re*ected" *udged or critici'ed. 7ur s%ouses" !riends and %artners could think we are weird or %er$erted i! we stated our desires or our ideas. &ow do we talk a out se2 with our s%ouse or signi!icant other4 &ow do we talk a out religion with the relati$es4 &ow do we talk %olitics with our !riends4 &ow do we communicate with those we lo$e in an honest way and /T5:: kee% the relationshi% intact4 5t isnt easy ut it can e done. ,e must !irst esta lish a sa!e %lace o! the sharing o! ideas. 7ne way is to allow your %artner to share their ideas with you without !ear o! eing *udged" critici'ed or re*ected. They must know that whate$er they tell you will e heard honestly and discussed as %ossi ility. This doesnt mean that they ha$e to recei$e e$erything they ask !or nor will you either ut each will gain a !orum !or a

!ree e2change o! ideas without !ear o! re%risal.

5! your %artner or signi!icant other !eels sa!e sharing their innermost thoughts and desires it allows a doorway to e o%ened !or you to share yours. 5t creates a ,inJ,in situation !or communication.

C!eate a sa+e envi!onment +o! desi!es. Plant the seeds o+ ossibility. 6ate! them by asking +o! what you want.

Three o! the si2teen asic desires that we humans all share is the need to com%ete" need to seek %ower and the need to seek status. These are hardwired into our rains !rom

e$olutionary time. These desires can mani!est themsel$es into our con$ersation and communication %atterns without our knowing or recogni'ing them.

1dding another %iece to our communication %u''le is the need to Done;u%E or ecome more %ower!ul and com%ete with each other.

Generally s%eaking" women tend to see other adult women as %eers" and %re!er to treat one another as such. They gather !or co!!ee or to DtalkE. 5ts kind o! a womens clu that men arent %ri$y too. ,hile women may e intimidated y anotherCs %osition o! authority" they generally see others as eHual. They are o!ten a!!led y the eha$ior o! men toward them and toward one another. ,hile its true that some men dont !it this category" !ar too many males sim%ly cannot see any two %eo%le as eHuals. 7ne o! them must e su%erior and the

other in!erior. 0$ery relationshi%" %ersonal or usiness" is a attle to e king o!

the hill or to maintain the to% s%ot. R5Cm smarter" more success!ul" richer" more knowledgea le" more etter looking than you are. 1nd 5ll do my est to %ro$e it to you so we can oth agree that 5 am one;u%.R They %arade around" %osturing and challenging other males to %ro$e their $irility in ho%es that there are any !emales watching. ,atch any animal in the world. Ty%ically" the male will try to outdo the other male with dis%lays o! %lumage" !ancy mating dances" $ocal dis%lays etc. to %ro$e who should e the one to mate with the !emale o! the s%ecies. Most males are $ery sim%le creatures" dri$en y their li ido and distracted y their le!t; rain when the desires o! their li ido are not eing met. Men dont ha$e e2clusi$e rights to one u%manshi% ut seem to %ractice it more.

5 went to a comedy clu with a male !riend o! mine one e$ening and was watching a comic do his act. My !riend and 5 had saw this %articular comic on tele$ision many times and we oth knew his act y heart. 0$ery time he came to the %unch line o! a story" my !riend 8who had drank way too much9 would yell out the line and s%oil the deli$ery" stealing the s%otlight and ruining the story !or the comic. 1 out the third time this ha%%ened the comic sim%ly re%lied ack D:isten uddy" 5 dont take the French !ries out o! your mouth when youre workingE. 1ma'ing" my !riend was Huiet !rom then on

:isten !ully e!ore telling a similar story. +ont try to outdo or Done Vu%E the narrator y in$alidating their story with an e2%erience o! your own. ,hat you are really telling them is D5m not listening to you at all ut what 5 ha$e to say is really

im%ortant.

02am%le: DMy last customer was the a solute worst3E D&e wasnt anything3 My customer was un elie$a le" he couldnCt !igure out that )ing Mac sauce didnCt come with a !ilet;o;!ish...E D7& yeah" this one lady decided to *ust go o!! on me" cussed me like a sailor on lea$e *ust ecause the !ries werent cris% enough.E DThatCs nothing" this one customer took <@ minutes and then !inally decided to order a cheese urger without cheese...and ham urgers were on s%ecial !or =MX...then he takes @ minutes to get e2act changeE

,hen you out;do someone" in$alidate their story" you close o!! communication and ra%%ort. The %erson who you are communicating with su consciously hears that you arent interested in them or their e2%erience. 5t is !rustrating to e telling a out a %oint o! interest and ha$e your listener res%ond with something similar that ha%%ened to them ; e!!ecti$ely taking the attention away and stealing the s%otlight. Make a s%ecial %oint starting right now o! su%%ressing your own RstoryR when someone is talking.

(et the e!son sha!ing thei! sto!y have thei! moment in the s otlight.

Gaining clarity and closure e!ore mo$ing on %ro$ides a !inal %iece o! our

<B<

%u''le in any segment or cycle o! communication. 5t

s the a ility to acknowledge and con!irm that what you said was understood and that you understood what was said to you in return. 5t

s also the time to thank the other %erson !or their $iews and in%ut to the con$ersation.

#ou ha$e %ro a ly sometime in your li!e een on oth ends o! a communication or con$ersation that didnt DendE. /omeone you cared a out walked out o! a room" hung u% the %hone or their cell %hone cut out while s%eaking. They might ha$e shut down in the middle on a con$ersation and switched su *ects without e2%laining why" etc 5! you !elt angry or !rustrated when the cycle o! communication wasnt com%leted" congratulations3 #our (7.M1:3 Ty%ically when con$ersations arent com%leted and the communication cycle doesnt go !ull circle" it lea$es the %erson !eeling con!used" !rustrated" o!ten angry at the lack o! com%letion. ,e want to hear the rest o! the story. By acknowledging that you ha$e heard and understood what a %erson has said to you" you can always e certain to %ro$ide closure. This isnt meant to im%ly that you each must agree on e$erythingQ you can always agree to disagree !or e2am%le" ut it is necessary to close each cycle o! communication.

&ow im%ortant is closing the cycle o! communication to %eo%le4 Think o! a time in your li!e while during a con$ersation someone hung u% the %hone on you either in anger or without saying good ye. &ow did it make you !eel4

Think o! a time that you did a s%ecial !a$or !or someoneQ hel%ed him or her mo$e their elongings" ought them a gi!t and they didn

t say

Thank you

or e2%ress any a%%reciation or gratitude to you. &ow did that make you !eel4

Think o! a time when you were trying to e2%lain a %oint and the other %erson walked out o! the room" ignoring you. &ow did you !eel4

(ow ask yoursel! how im%ortant is closure to you4 ,hat s%eci!ic actions can you egin to im%lement right now to %re$ent others !rom !eeling that way a out you4

-!eat eo le ask you would like them to t!eat you. P!ovide closu!e.

Communicating with the %eo%le around us is something that we do e$eryday o! our li$es. 5ts a !undamental and necessary !unction o! sur$i$ing in the world in which we li$e. By reali'ing the %atterns and di!!erences in men and women" recogni'ing the cycle o! communication" s%eaking %ower!ully and %ur%osely" not *ust reading ut using the ti%s e2%lained in this ook" they will hel% you grow in skill as a communicator and hel% a$oid the common %it!alls as you !orge long term relationshi%s.

Bi liogra%hy

Carnegie" +ale. &ow to ,in Friends and 5n!luence -eo%le. <M>A .e%rint. (ew #ork: -ocket Books" <MMF

0ggerichs" 0merson 0." -h.+. The Cra'y Cycle. htt%:JJwww.lo$eandres%ect.comJ1rticlesJarticle.as%4aidT<BF

Fri%%" -atricia. Criticism: Bash or Boost4 Turning Gri%es into Growth. htt%:JJwww.!ri%%.comJart.criticism.html

Gottman John" /il$er (an. The /e$en -rinci%les !or Making Marriage ,ork (ew #ork. Crown -u lishing Grou%"<MMM.

Gottman John M." /il$er (an. ,hy Marriages /ucceed or Fail: 1nd &ow #ou Can Make #ours :ast. (ew #ork. Fireside -u lishing" <MM@.

Gottman John" Gonso Jonni" (otarius Cli!!ord. 1 Cou%leCs Guide to Communication. (ew #ork. .esearch -ressQ <MBM.

Goulet" Tag. ,hy Bosses /hould 1$oid Critici'ing 0m%loyees. htt%:JJwww.!a *o .comJti%s8.html

&ogan" )e$in.

The -sychology o! -ersuasion.

Gretna" :ouisiana: -elican -u lishing" <MMA.

&ogan" )e$in. /elling #oursel! to 7thers. Gretna" :ouisiana: -elican -u lishing. =FF=..

&ogan" )e$in. Talk #our ,ay to the To%. Gretna" :ouisiana: -elican -u lishing" <MMM.

&ogan" )e$in. 5rresisti le 1ttraction: /ecrets o! -ersonal Magnetism. (etwork >FFF -u lishing" =FFF.

5mundo" :ouis G. The 0!!ecti$e /u%er$isorCs &and ook. (ew #ork. 1M1C7M <MM>.

)iersey" +a$id. -lease Lnderstand Me. +el Mar" Cali!.: -rometheus (emesis Book Co." <MB8.

)na%%" Mark and Judy &all. (on$er al Communication in &uman 5nteraction. >d ed. Fort ,orth: &arcourt Brace College -u lications" <MM=.

:eathers" +ale"

/uccess!ul (on$er al Communication

: (eedham &ts." M1" 1llyn and Bacon" <MMB.

:ight" &arriett. +ealing with criticism. 8<MM<" June9. -a%er %resented at the %recon!erence o! the 8=nd annual meeting o! the 1merican &ome 0conomics 1ssociation" Minnea%olis" M(. htt%:JJwww.e2t.nodak.eduJe2t%u sJy!Jleadde$Jhe@F<w.htm

)ramer" &arriet J. -h.+. .elationshi% )illers: -art 55 5htt%:JJsinglestosoulmates.comJtlinkJissuecB.html

Mocha/o!a. Constructi$e con!licts. htt%:JJwww.mochaso!a.caJ!amilyJ%rogramJarticlesJF<*ulyFMa.as%

(orth +akota /tate Lni$ersity. .esearch /tudy <MM=. htt%:JJwww.e2t.nodak.eduJe2t%u sJy!Jleadde$Jhe@F<w.htm

-eterson" )aren /. Criticism %ulls marital thera%ists asunder. L/1 T7+1#" July >" <MMM. htt%:JJwww.usatoday.comJli!eJhealthJ!amilyJmarriageJlh!maF=M.htm

-romising -artnershi%s. /trategies !or Gi$ing and .ecei$ing Criticism Constructi$ely. htt%:JJwww.cou%les;%lace.comJHcFF@Jtool o2.as%

/tu s" .onald. Trans!ormations: 1 Guide !or /uccess!ul &y%nosis. 5sland -u lishing" =FF<.

/weet" Ta atha. My 0motional /%in Cycle;The Four 7%tions and the Two Bridges. htt%:JJwww.soc.hawaii.eduJleon*J?FM s=FF=JsweetJre%ort<.htm

,omen Today 7nline. <= ,ays to Critici'e 0!!ecti$ely. htt%:JJwww.christianwomentoday.comJwork%laceJ<=waystocritici'e.html

;eed a Dynamic S eake! +o! )ou! ;e?t >vent,

)e$in &ogan" -sy.+ has %resented his dynamic talks and energi'ing trainings a out communication and %ersuasion skills all o$er the world. To recei$e a !ree in!ormation %acket" call his o!!ice at 8A<=9 A<A;FB>=. 7r $isit on the we at www.ke$inhogan.net.