Preface

I wrote Scramble Suit from Philadelphia in the late

Aughts, still in a state of semi-experienced rawness regarding
my relationship to the world and society around me. here are
many facts and mysteries which the text un!nowingly and
unwittingly e"ades# yet, I li!e its innocence, and the energetic
approach it ta!es towards establishing its author as a
precocious raconteur. he formal aspects of the text$ its
liminal position between prose and poetry %as &himes
before and '(uations and A Poet in &enter &ity to
follow), and the hourglass lineation techni(ue employed,
meant to con"ey a sense of temporal urgency, in the context
of a (uest to found and consolidate a substantial personal
identity$ made the text both strange to me and an unli!ely
bet to publish anywhere, either partially or in totem. I li!e that
too$ that Scramble Suit has gradually managed to gain
some momentum online without a con"entional publishing
history, e"idence of an entrenched new era of digital and
digitali*ed literature and a process of textual aoism in which
gradual gestalt sensibilities coalesce in odd corners and out of
still half-understood preoccupations.
All that aside, the spirit of the text itself is not
particularly intellectual$ as a !ind of +oyride, it re"els in
unmediated sensation and hedonistic ad"enture. If it
successfully a"oids the ,erouacian sense of the playpen, it is
because characters are still dealt with with a certain amount of
e"en-handed ob+ecti"ity, and not romantici*ed or
mythologi*ed unduly. Any tried-on or attempted persona %a
scramble suit, out of Philip ,. -ic!, is, in fact, a series of
e"er-shifting personas o"erlaid on a hidden original) brings
with it not only challenges but necessary ruptures and
abrasions$ and my life in State &ollege, ./&, and Philly
between 012 and 034, when the boo! transpires, was touched
by these ruptures and abrasions. he 033 shot of me across
from the 5ast -rop which adorns this co"er, ta!en by 5inder
6anieri, captures this perfectly$ I ad"ertise my fidelity to a
"aunted pop-culture icon %-a"id 7owie89iggy Stardust), but
lose in the mimesis the sense of myself as an original person,
let alone an original artist.
I0d be willing to "enture, for those with an interest,
that my own scramble suit did not settle into obsolescence
until 03:, when I began to fully explore the possibilities of
writing entire boo!s and publishing seriously, rather than
hurling myself into situations where I could hedonistically and
imaginati"ely dissol"e myself, and en+oy the pleasures of self-
dissolution. he double self-dissolution in Scramble Suit$
me losing myself, in the late Aughts, in recollections I could
only half-understand$ is an interesting one, especially with
another half a decade0s worth of hindsight. ;n another, more
basic le"el, the boo!, as a collection of hedonistic ad"entures
and misad"entures, emanates a sense of exuberance and
unbridled passion which was real to me in the co"ered years. It
should be a fun read. As such, I would encourage readers who
di"e into the maelstrom of the boo! to ha"e as much fun with
it as possible$ why not<
Adam =ieled, >-4?-@?
I.
I changed my name. It was Aarch 012 and it was spring brea! and I went with 5arry to a
court-house in Aontgomery &ounty and the bailiff said O yay, O yay, O yay, and I told
the +udge briefly about my -ad and my reasons for distancing myself and that
was it, I was Adam =ieled. I got a new -ri"er0s 5icense, Social
Security card and e"erything else. I had heard that my new name
had a better numerological significance and I felt different
immediately and really li!e a new person. I returned
to State &ollege with the necessary papers and
I was all set, only my high le"el philosophy
classes were a +o!e, I could not get into
-errida and =oucault %turns out I
wasn0t ready), so, using my usual
fla!e techni(ues I +ust stopped
doing the wor!, which was
none too pleasing to my
family, but I was
incorrigible at
the time, no
stopping me$
I li!ed to sit at
a coffee-shop called
he -aily Brind, and
I was (uite the little hipster,
always in wraparound 5ou
6eed shades, and then one
day I ran into the one who
symboli*ed my struggle with
cool, I still had a crush but I
was far different than I had been,
she was shoc!ed that I changed my
name %I showed her my -ri"er0s
5icense), told me about modest stuff
li!e what she was coo!ing, and that she
li"ed on Cest &ollege. I do not remember
what I told her but I remember Steph was
sitting behind us listening to the whole thing,
white slee"eless blouse %spring all around), dar!
glasses, faint smile, when I rose she rose with me,
but I was so used to being passi"e with her and Dustine
that I let her get away again, though we wal!ed almost
side by side right down 7ea"er A"e. I considered the
possibility that they both really lo"ed me. I was still li"ing in
.orth Ealls, which was slightly pathetic, but I had my own
room and did not gi"e a shit. I had made myself !nown to the
indie State &ollege crowd enough that one day one of them, a
sweet !id named -a"e, called me to as! me to sing with his band.
Soon after, I found my way to -a"e0s house and began writing songs
with him and his friends, though in this context I was not allowed to play
guitar, and there was the drummer, &had-7rad, and Cill the bassist, all younger than
me and hopelessly innocent but they !new e"ery 6obyn Eitchcoc! record e"er put out
%which I did not.) Ce had a long tal! about what to call the band, and I con"inced
them to call the band the Dustines, though I did not tell them why or of my
terminal idiocy. Ay life in State &ollege was completely compartmentali*ed$
the theater !ids did not !now the indie !ids who did not !now the
philosophy people, so e"eryone had their little piece of me but
no one got the whole thing. Ay life has remained li!e that, too.
Ce were set to play the Chite 5odge on April 4@, with a
band called Sarge who got a re"iew in Spin maga*ine.
;ne day I was wal!ing to Ac-onald0s with -a"e
and Cill and we ran into some ;utlaws fol!s.
hey were pretentious and -a"e teased me
mercilessly about them. hat was as close
a connection between the strains as
e"er happened. Adam, the reigning
townie indie !ing at the time, who
had recorded me years before,
resented that his minions had
adopted me, and so he showed
up on April 4@ with a chip on
his shoulder, and it did not
help that I decided to
perform topless.
'mily li!ed it.
I made a clumsy pass
at the girl from Sarge
and was rebuffed. -a"e
got massi"ely drun! and
could barely stand up, so
of course I spa**ed. It wound
up being an ;, show but that
was pretty much the end of the
Dustines, though I remained friendly
with all of them. =or -a"e0s birthday
in Dune, he threw a pot party in his
bedroom, and we all got righteously
stoned and listened to Piper at the Gates
of Dawn. It was a perfect moment, I felt
safe, insulated, protected, no paranoia, in
this harmless suburban milieu, though I was
by far the oldest person in the room and out
of place for a number of reasons. hose townies
%most of them) ne"er really got me, "ice "ersa, but
you can0t beat small college towns in summer for
getting high in peace, big cities are a +o!e in comparison.
II.
hat Danuary, I had ta!en a bus %alone) to the &enter &ounty Aall. It was time %I thought)
to re"amp my image, now that I was regularly performing around State &ollege. I
bought myself a large iron cross and I loo!ed for leather pants to buy %thin!ing
Aorrison)F there were none. he best I could do was a pair of fa!e leather
%pleather) pants, that I found in a tac!y bouti(ue whose name I do
not remember. Subtlety not being my forte at the time, I wore the
pants e"ery day. hey could not be washed, I had to wash Gem
by hand, and after three or four months of this I got %Bod
help me) an anal gland infection that was too gross to
discuss %and remains so.) hat, I suppose, is the
price of roc! and roll. Eowe"er, the experience
aided me on one important le"elF it ga"e me
something to write about. In fact, it was
around the time of my anal troubles
that I had my first real brea!
through as a poet. I had
been reading a hand-
ful of texts o"er and
o"er againF Binsberg,
7audelaire, 6imbaud.
I managed to wor!
myself into a
trance, so
that I
had
achie"ed
an emptiness
new for me, and
in this trance I
de"eloped powers
that I did not ha"e
before, insight into
language, how to
sharpen it to a point.
he poems I wrote that
April were the first I could
li"e with. &lean was about
the infection. -isappear came
about this wayF one morning I was
sitting on 7ea"er A"e outside Schlow
5ibrary %not sure how or why I was there),
in bright sunshine. I mentally loo!ed through
my past for hidden riches, and I thought of
the day we all met Dustine. I reali*ed something
I hadn0t before, which is that ,elly would ha"e
been +ealous of Dustine from day one %and she was,
in fact, sitting at the dinner table that night.) =or the
effect of the poem to be stri!ing, I made them both
bleached blondes, too! it from there. he gist of the poem
was ,elly telling me that stop watching Dustine ma!e her
caesar salad. he gist of the experience itself was that I had
learned how to transmute my past into source material for
art. I continued to pursue this trac!, and I e"en started writing
%in the tradition of Sexton and others) about the looney bin I
had briefly been thrown into in 01>. hat poem was called Prince,
and I wrote it about a !id named Cesley who I saw in the bin, and
ne"er again. So, the semester ended, I had done no academic wor!, I
had played gigs, done the Dustines, but it was then necessary to find a
+ob. I did my usual run up and down &ollege A"e and got hired at a used
boo!store next door to Ac5anahan0s. he owner0s name was Paul, he was a
bit cra*ed but a good soul and the first person I met who !new as much about
astrology as I did %he was a Hirgo.) It was a fantastic gig, and for about two
months I was in hea"en. Chen Paul was not there, I ran the place, opened
it and closed it, played whate"er music I wanted %all the usual suspects,
plus 'lliott Smith, who I disco"ered at around this time), and got on
well with the other boo!store blo!es. he day =ran! Sinatra died,
we closed the store early to go and drin!. ;ne of the blo!es
introduced me to rum and &o!e %&aptain Aorgan0s, specifically),
and it became my signature drin! for the season. 7y this time I
was li"ing in a sublet on South Atherton Street, which was
"ery li!e the house from 01: only this time I did not go
cra*y. In fact, 012 wound up being e"erything 01: was
not. he house had a nice second floor porch %a bit
li!e ;ld =arm 6oad) that I would sit and eat dinner
on each night. I made a ritual of listening to
Reckoning, and somehow it blended in
perfectly with the spring and the "iew
from the porch. he porch loo!ed out
on a gra"el lot, with houses and small
apartment buildings on either side,
but lots in small towns can ha"e
a (uaint charm and this one
did. here was a perfect
stillness in the air, it
coincided with my
new poetic powers
I was wor!ing
diligently on.
7eing 44,
it didn0t worry
me that my fol!s
were pissed by my
fla!iness, I felt as
though I would li"e
fore"er, and that more
poems would come with
more dinners loo!ing out
o"er small-town sun-lit lots.
/ou only get to be 44 once.
III.
It was at around this time that
I met Aaria. I do not remember
how we met. Aaria was a townie,
still in high school, and "ery stri!ing
physicallyF medium height, pale, glossy,
doll-li!e s!in, straight brown sil!y hair,
often in long s!irts, always immaculately
made up. Aaria was a "isual artist with
sophisticated tastesF she introduced me to
'"a Eesse, and was ma!ing her own pieces
with similar, plastic-y materials. here was a
night in Dune, not long after -a"e0s party, when
a bunch of us trooped out to the Chite 5odge to
see a few local bands. 7ehind the Chite 5odge was
a small upward-sloping hill, then a huge field bordered
by woods on three sides. 7efore the show, I played
baseball with the townies in the field %pleased, surprised
that I could still swing.) Some time between acts I duly
tripped out to see what was going on and found Aaria
sitting on the sloped hill, drin!ing beer, in a striped
slee"eless blouse and the re(uisite long s!irt. Ce wound
up ta!ing a wal! in the woods. Aaria was drun!. At a certain
point, I found myself ma!ing out with her. She wanted ta!e things
further right there, but I got frea!ed out and couldn0t go on. I was
ner"ous, I did not ha"e a condom, and Aaria was a teenager %not
that I was that far from being a teenager either.) So, I put her off, and
we wound up putting each other on the bac!burner for se"eral months.
7ac! at the Chite 5odge, -a"e and 'mily were drun! and giddy. hey
!new something was up with Aaria and I. It was one of those cra*y nights
that goes on and on. In fact, at that time I had many cra*y nights that went
on and on. It was a season of parties. I had become well-integrated enough
into the State &ollege indie circuit that I was in"ited e"erywhere. -a"e %when
'mily wasn0t around) often wound up being my partner in crime. Also a fellow
named 'ddie, an aesthete with an Indian girlfriend who hated my guts, would do
these rounds with me. I had loosened up (uite a bit, and was game for whate"er fun was
happening. 5i!e nitrous, when somehow se"eral influential scene-ma!ers got hold of nitrous
tan!s, so you would go to a party and do whippets all night. he first time I did a whippet I
fish-faced, had to wipe the drool off of myself, but it was worth it. 'ddie had the best
connections in town, and got not only pot but hash %hard to get in the
States), and we smo!ed the stuff and out of the corner of my eye 'ddie turned into
a
rabbit. Aore drugs showed up later that year. Aeanwhile, I would often be on the
phone with &hris, who was bac! in &heltenham part of the time. Somehow me
and &hris brought out the most bitter, cynical parts of each other, and often
our con"ersations hinged on negati"e stuff. hat .ew /ears had been wildF
I went with &hris and someone else to a coffee +oint in &enter &ity. 5ater,
we went bac! to the Gburbs to pic! up =ran, and we dro"e around, listening
to =ran0s album. I also had my demo with me %recorded at 'ast Side
Studios in Aanayun! that autumn), but it was =ran0s night and his
Summertime 6oc! and 6oll !illed me. It was a tribute to stoner
freedom and sexual retardation that I could relate to. So by the
time we got to this big house-party in Abington we were
already ten sheets to the wind. Somehow we all trooped
out of that party to sit on a curb outside the house
and it was free*ing but we noticed nothing. Say
hello to @112. Somehow we found oursel"es
at someone else0s house on a wooden bac!
porch and there was a lot more weed to
be smo!ed, and we did. 7y the end
we were all bon!ers, I didn0t ha"e
my car with me but &hris got me
home somehow %my fol!s place
in Blenside, not Bulph Aills
anymore), and at ? am I
must ha"e eaten fi"e
bowls of cereal.
hen I slept
the whole
next day.
In the
spring, I
saw &hris
and =ran again,
&hris was house-
sitting, weed %as
e"er) was endless,
=ran0s album !ic!ed
ass. -issonance arri"ed
in the form of a +ibe from
Ste"e %who &hris was still
friends with), who apparently
complained %falsely) that I was
imitating his wardrobe. It got my
goat and I fumed. Ste"e was a right
pric!. 7ut we had fun and &hris came
o"er to Blenside and my Aom was
babysitting a hot teenager %long story)
and &hris and I were drooling. So &hris
and I were still pretty tight, and we would
tal! for long stretches of time, but once he
left State &ollege in 01: he ne"er came bac!.
I had not heard from . in years at that point, or
ed, or Eelen. &hris ga"e me regular reports on
-, and D was in a band and doing pretty well, while
Aditya was AIA. 7ecca sent me a letter at this timeF
she was suddenly married, and pregnant. ime was
passing. /et things felt strangely timeless as well. Bood.
IH.
hat spring, I played a lot of solo gigsF +ust me, a
=ender 's(uire, and a pig-nose. his reflected the influence
of Deff 7uc!ley. Ay first ma+or solo gig was on April 4I, four
days after the Dustines played the Chite 5odge. Jnfortunately,
Sonic /outh was playing an outdoor gig in State &ollege at the
same time, so none of the indie !ids came to see me. Actually,
Adam discouraged them from coming to any of my solo gigs, so
they generally did not. Chen I started playing solo gigs, Adam, who
I had been close to, disowned me. It was my first experience of +ealousy,
where a life in the arts was concerned, and it was not pleasant. Anyway,
for whate"er reason the guys at the Eub decided to roll out the red carpet.
Printed copies of my lyrics were placed on each table, and I was told the
performance would be taped for posterity. I was playing my own songs, and
a bunch by 5eonard &ohen, 5ou 6eed$ all the great Dews. he show itself
was nothing special# I was sic!, my "oice was whac!ed out, and not that many
people showed up %though the Eub basement was small and it didn0t ta!e a lot to
ma!e it loo! full.) ;ne person that did show up was a lan!y, curly-haired blonde
that I had seen around (uite a bit. urns out she was following me. After the show
she cornered me and more or less pic!ed me up. Somehow we wound up in her room,
which was on campus, and I waited aw!wardly while she tal!ed to her boyfriend on the
phone. his girl was not (uite attracti"e enough for me to spa* about. I remained then
both semi-retarded and finic!y. hus, nothing happened. I also li!ed to play at a +oint
called the &offee &ellar, where a lot of townie girls li!ed to hang out %including Aaria.) At
one point, you could buy a gooball %pot and coo!ie dough) o"er the counter there. It
was a great place to chill out$ relaxed, artsy, no posing. ;ne night in late spring I
was on the little raised stage, and I brought Aaria up to play Starman with me.
She was in a blac! slee"eless blouse, s!irted as always. It was funny because a
bunch of ;utlaws !ids showed up while this was happening to gaw!. his
was, by the way, a new ;utlaws generation, with &aptain erry at the
helm. hey put me in a different position$ rather than being
beneath them, I got respect, and many of the girls thought
I was cute. So, the stage was set for me to finally do
;utlaws the right way. 7ut these !ids were a
little frea!ed out by the townies, and they
soon escaped. It probably didn0t help
that, once again, I decided to
perform topless. I also had
some good luc! getting
my stuff on the radio$
at the .ew /ears
Abington party,
I met a girl
named
,rystal, who
contacted me
in State &ollege.
She had a radio
show out of 'ast
Ealls %my nightmare,
mostly a bunch of
+oc! dorms), and in"ited
me to the studio while
she played the demo on
the air. I also started to get
newspaper write-ups here and
there. Ay fa"orite was a guy who
seemed ta!en abac! that I actually
wanted to mo"e to ./&. Ee wrote,
=ieled dreams of launching a career in
./&. =or now, his act percolates on the
coffeehouse circuit. ;ne night -a"e and
I decided randomly to stay up all night. It was
the beginning of summer, we were young and
that was reason enough. As we raged around into
the wee hours, I had these lines from 6adiohead
running through my mindF the breath of the morning,
I !eep forgetting, the smell of the warm summer air.
-a"e suggested we go to the roof of Cea"er 7uilding to
watch the sunrise, and we did. Afterwards we went to "isit
.oah at the ba!ery where he wor!edF free doughnuts. -a"e0s
friend Defferson was around and there was a crane sitting in the
middle of the street and we dared him to get in and he did. his
night epitomi*ed for me the charm of small townsF the peace, the
simplicity, the timelessness. /ou don0t want to stay in one fore"er %or, at
least, I didn0t), but here and there they are refreshing, a reminder that
human life at its best can ha"e a !ind of purity. Ay poetry continued to
mo"e forward in increments. A big mainstream poet was teaching in
State &ollege, and I e-mailed him some of my wor!. Ee wrote me
bac!, praising some of the poems, and this was a huge deal to
me, getting an official seal of appro"al. I could boast of no
seal of appro"al where my songs were concerned, and it
was the first intimation that the better part of my luc!
would come in poetry, rather than in music. I began
to ma!e plans to "isit ./& in DulyF a relati"e was
"acating an apartment on the Jpper Cest Side
for three wee!s. I would stay in the place
and scope out .ew /or!, because I
was tentati"ely planning to mo"e
there in late 012. -a"e and 'mily
would come to "isit me. he
apotheosis of small town
life came right before
it ended fore"er.
H.
Chen I got to
./&, I
began
going on
endless wal!s,
learning the city0s
structure in the dog
days of summer. It was
interesting to see the &helsea
Eotel on 4K
rd
Street, where so
many roc!ers stayed bac! when
roc! was all glamour and excess. I
was wal!ing down 4K
rd
Street, on maybe
my second day there, and I found a boo!
lying directly in my path on the sidewal!. It
was called Sex Diary of a Metaphysician, by &olin
Cilson, and I too! it bac! to 14
nd
and &olumbus.
I immediately saw that this was a serendipitous
accident, and that it was a boo! I was meant to
read. It had sex in it %ob"iously), large dollops of
philosophy %somewhat in the tradition of ,ier!egaard)
and the occult, and I ha"e %ama*ingly, ironically) ne"er
seen the boo! for sale anywhere since. Cilson0s protagonist
specifically tal!s about serendipitous accidents, so finding the
boo! seemed a fortuitous way to begin in ./&. his is when I
began my career as flaneur, and my epic wal!s too! me all o"er
Aanhattan. It was not unusual for me to wal! straight from the
Jpper Cest Side to the 5ower 'ast Side and bac!, and I was thrilled
by how compressed the city was. his first three wee! "isit, I did not
ta!e the subway once. I also disco"ered Cashington S(uare Par!, and
had a good time +amming with random people. 7en from the Bodheads was
in a band at the time that was playing ./& (uite a bit, and I went to see them at
the Spiral 5ounge on Eouston Street. It was an une"entful show, and I only
wound up tal!ing to 7en for a few minutes. Ay Aom came up briefly too, and
we went out for a nice lunch at an outdoor bistro on 7roadway.
I was writing poems the whole time, and it was during this "isit that I
had my first substantial encounter with Eigh Aodernism %beyond
'liot and Cilliams.) ;n Duly 2, I wrote a poem called ;n Aodern
Poetry, ta!ing Pound, Ste"ens, and &reeley to tas! for being
incomprehensible. I added it to a growing pile of poems, but
this was the only one from this "isit worth sa"ing. hen
-a"e and 'mily showed up, though the apartment
was way too small to hold three people. Chat did
we care< Ce went as a threesome for a tour of
the town. ;n Eouston Street again, -a"e
found the chal! outline of a body, and
he too! a picture of me lying in it.
-a"e wanted to "isit an art school
he was thin!ing of applying to,
so we did that too. Ce found
a cheap place on &olumbus
to eat %outdoor seating),
they had good mac and
cheese and ser"ed
us wine %only I
was legal.) he
only hitch was
that -a"e
and 'mily
wanted to fool
around one night
and I got mad at
them. he apartment
was, as I said, too small.
I left ./& with my illusions
intact. I thought I would be
able to ma!e it there, one way
or another. Betting bac! to State
&ollege, there was business to attend
to. Paul was closing the boo!store %and
mo"ing), so I needed a new +ob. I found
one at a bagel +oint on 7ea"er A"e. Also,
I needed a new place to stay %the sublet was
only for a few months), and I found one right
around the corner from South Atherton, in a
house full of weird characters. D- was older,
scrawny, bearded, always bedraggled, and didn0t
seem to do anything but fix electronics. Ee often
repaired amps and pedals for musicians. Dim was
a big, burly social wor!er with a heart of gold. Ee
was, himself, a (uir!y songwriter and 7eatles fanatic,
and would +am out at any hour of the day. Ee especially
li!ed to do the Abbey 6oad medley. Ee also had a penchant
for doughnuts. Aaria was still waiting in the wings# ,rystal
came to see me a bunch of times at the bagel +oint but she had
a boyfriend and was "ery much a good girl. Jndistracted, my
tas! once I was settled in was to get a play together for the ;utlaws.
In the fall of 01>, I had drafted a play called -ada &ircus. It was
my attempt to ma!e a ready-made play, and I was "ery ta!en with
-uchamp at the time. I used the same polishing techni(ue I used with
he ouched, until I !new it would wor!. I handed it in to them and
forgot about it. he big excitement then among the indie crowd was that
'lliott Smith had put out XO. I caught a flu somehow and I was sic! when
I bought the record. I too! some cold medicine before I put it on, and was
rewarded with a substantial epiphany. It was mid-afternoon, mild li!e it is when
summer is turning into autumn, I was half-asleep and the Smith songs were ghostly,
and seemed to en"elope me. Sunshine played on the walls and I had no cares
whatsoe"er. Dim0s house was old and crea!y, painted tan, and that added
to the ambience. I caught a new mood as the season turned and began
to experiment with weird, non-narrati"e poetry. I was reading a
lot of &orso %I could still get into Pattee) and there was a spar!
of something in the air for me. It was in what was to come.
VI.
&offee was beginning to be my obsession. I was
drin!ing three or four cups a day, and it helped me
to focus on my writing. he &offee &ellar, where
I had been playing gigs for some time, became
my big hangout place, and I was +oined by
a large contingent of Both !ids, townies,
artists, and indie fol!. A crew began
to de"elop as autumn commenced that
was to be my final State &ollege
gang %and by far the most
debauched.) hat fall
was a whirlwind of
highness and
poetry the
li!es of
which
I ha"e
ne"er seen
before or since.
Dosh was a townie
and his school situation
remained unclear. Ee was
dangerous and a bad influence
which is exactly what I was
loo!ing for. Ee had a girlfriend
named Dess who li!ed to go to
parties and strip na!ed. hen sit
on his lap. .obody would bat an
eyelid. I made a little money selling
Dosh some extra anti-depressants I had.
I also made the mista!e of bringing Dosh
to ;utlaws. his was a wee! before they were
to do -ada &ircus and Dosh started ma!ing fun
of them during the playwright (uestion period and
things turned confrontational. Dosh wal!ed out and
referred them all to me. '"entually I was in"ited bac!
to "isit Dosh in the trailer where he li"ed. .ot !nowing
how to say no and sa"e face, I snorted a little heroin with
him and his friends. It must ha"e been extremely low-grade
stuff because I didn0t e"en pu!e. .ic! was a lot more bene"olent.
Ee was a tall, thin, bearded fellow, "ery macho, and made me thin!
of &yrano de 7ergerac. Ce often dro"e around in his car getting stoned
and listening to the -oors. .ic! got me to start going to ra"es and I learned
how to en+oy them. Ee e"en got me to candy flip, mix acid and ', and I
was fully expecting to drop dead but wound up ha"ing a great time. hough
the way that particular night ended was characteristic for me. I slipped out at a certain
point to get a bottled water %but only one, which wasn0t a strain as it was a cold night.) I
en+oyed the cold air so much that I decided to go for a wal! on my own. I
wound up ha"ing a better time wal!ing around than I did at the ra"e. I got home at
maybe 4 am and I felt li!e I was sailing on a magic carpet. ;ddly, I decided to put
on 7ruce Springsteen0s 7orn to 6un. It wor!ed and I had created another
solitary perfect moment for myself. .ic! was the !ind of guy who didn0t
care that I0d abandoned him. Chether he scored that night or not I
don0t recall. .ic! would generally come in to the &ellar later, after
the townie !ids had gone home. he only late lur!ers among
them were the dynamic duo of 5isa and Eeather. 5isa was
a character with a funny hair cut, long bangs in her eyes
and short in bac!, she was sixteen but loo!ed about
twel"e, and she was highly amused that I was
Dewish. She also pic!ed up that I ha"e a
masochistic strea! where women are
concerned and she lo"ed to bar! at
me ,iss my boot, Dew-boyL She
was of Berman ancestry but
this was all in good fun, I
can assure you. Eeather0s
claim to fame %as I
remember it) was
banging so hard
that she bro!e
through a wall
of someone0s
house. She
was a gaw!y
string-bean
but cute-faced
and I was frustrated
that the two of them
showed no desire for
me. hey !new about
Aaria anyway. Aaria was
not really part of this crew,
but was something of an ad+unct.
hey all !new her and li!ed her.
'"entually, it became clear that
Aaria and I had unfinished business.
I began ma!ing house-calls, and her
parents did not seem to mind. hey
had their hands full with Aaria0s three
younger siblings, and Aaria0s younger
brother Abe was a certifiable lunatic and
I li!ed him immensely. Ee was a s!ater and
a stoner and if Spicoli were from State &ollege,
that would be Abe. So these "isits were fun.
VII.
7y this time it was cold out. Aaria had a red
flannel coat and a matching red winter hat. I too!
her for a wal! down 7ea"er A"e and we went thrift
shopping. Ce bought scented candles and other little
stuff. Dim was slightly perturbed that I brought a girl home
but that was hard to a"oid %those guys did their courting
elsewhere.) Ay room was not especially comfortable$ a big
blac! mattress, no springboard, a shabby comforter, no chairs
or anything to sit on, but being young we barely noticed.
Chen I watched Aaria undress, I was ta!en abac! by the
porcelain-li!e (uality of her s!in. She loo!ed so fragile. I tried to
touch her as gently as possible. In fact, I had an attac! of Dewish
guilt to the extent that the first time we started to ha"e sex, I had to
stop, so we sat smo!ing cigarettes for twenty minutes until I could get
up the ner"e to go on. 7ut go on we did and I held on to the top of the
mattress for le"erage. Aaria had se"eral orgasms %surprising for one so
young, but she was a natural)# I had a hard time finishing with a condom
on so there was a tinge of blueness. his was the beginning of se"eral days of
this. I e"en performed cunnilingus on Aaria, which I had ne"er done before. '"ery
part of her was so delicate and so perfect that she +ust felt edible. I also en+oyed
playing a ser"ile role. Aaria had hydrochloride pot that she got from her brother
so we were stoned a lot of the time. It was around her birthday, too %she was
a Sag), so there was something to celebrate. Ce were listening to Let It
lee! compulsi"ely and I mixed in 7ruce. ;n one of the nights Dim
burst in %we were ha"ing some !ind of money issue), and Aaria
and I were both buc! na!ed. here was a heartbrea!ing
element to the whole scenario because I was about
to lea"e State &ollege fore"er. /et Aaria was a
great soul in a great body and definitely
worth it, and when I came bac! to
State &ollege during my ./&
year, it was mostly to
see her. As for the
;utlaws fol!s,
I had infiltrated
their ran!s
enough
to start
attending
their parties.
his had ne"er
happened during
the &aesar Birl
era, and I ha"e
always wondered
what it would ha"e
been li!e if it did. I
had a crush on a theater
ma+or named 6uth, another
blonde goddess with a thrillingly
hus!y "oice and a soulful manner.
At one of these parties, it was
re"ealed that I had ne"er shot-gunned
pot before. 6uth sought to remedy this.
She !neeled down beside me and said
;,, Adam, lean bac! and open your mouth.
It was a delightful moment and I ha"e always
been disappointed that I ne"er got to !now 6uth
better. Aatt was another !ey member of this crew
and had aspirations to write himself. Ee turned me
on to Ionesco and I reali*ed %unfortunately) that I
wasn0t doing anything original after all. Celcome to
the life of a writer. erry I do not remember seeing at
these parties, he was the !ingpin and slightly aloof. I did
tend to see him at the -iner, where you could get a solid
brea!fast %eggs, home fries, toast) for M@. erry told me what
the old gang was doing in 5.A., and some of them were
apparently ha"ing a hard time. It was the beginning of
my feeling of a"ersion towards 5.A. that has more
or less continued up until the present moment.
erry also confided in me some of his girl
troubles, and it was nice to see that he
had some "ulnerability too %he could
be pretty tough and stolid, though
he was writing great stuff at this
time and I loo!ed up to him.)
hese memories always bring
me bac! to -ada &ircus,
and I cannot spea! for
anyone else but I
thought it was a
pretty decent
success. It
was my
first
foray
into po-mo
and e"erything
wor!ed. hey as!ed
me why I wrote it and
I said, to ma!e people
laugh. A few people pic!ed
up on the ibetan mon!s
references I threw in, and I
also managed to wor! in a
-uchamp reference during the
N and A session. 7ut now all this
was o"er. ;utlaws had been con(uered
to the greatest extent possible, I had
played e"ery "enue in State &ollege worth
playing, I had had my fun on other le"els, but
./&, the great 5e"iathan, was pulling up right in
front of me, dashing small town simplicity to the
ground and lifting me up to a new le"el, where I would
try to rise and not crash and burn. Preparations had been
made# the door was open. All I had to do was wal!
through it, with as much style as I could. And I did.
HIII.
.ew /or!. he first thing I needed was +ob. I loo!ed through the
classifieds in the "illage "oice but nothing stood out, seemed
too promising. '"entually I got called bac! by a gourmet
deli at ?3
th
and Aadison. I went down there for an
inter"iew and they seemed nice enough and that
was it, I was in. Jnfortunately the shift they
needed filled was >-K, Aonday through
=riday, so I had to wa!e up e"ery
morning at IFK3. hose first
few days, I had so much
energy that I decided to
wal! straight from
14
nd
and &olumbus
to ?3
th
and Aadison.
It was late autumn,
and I will ne"er
forget how the
city loo!ed
pre-dawn.
he sheer scope
of those bloc!s
%I wal!ed through
&olumbus &ircle
straight into Aidtown)
was both wonderful and
grotes(ue, and I had a "ision
of .ew /or! as a great li"ing
organism, a sleeping 5e"iathan.
I had Springsteen0s .ew /or!
&ity Serenade in my head the whole
time. Aidtown especially was an edifice
of grime, and when it was desolate seemed
about as welcoming as Eades. Ay boss at the
deli was gay, 'astern 'uropean, and in a graduate
program of some sort. 5 li!ed to flirt with me and
there was nothing I could do about. I +ust had to ta!e
it. I was a pretty !id with a baby face and this was .ew
/or!$ I shouldn0t ha"e expected anything else. Ee filled
the &- player with Abba and Simply 6ed, but I at least got
him to play .ic! -ra!e. It ne"er seemed to occur to him that I
might actually be straight. Cor! at this place was fairly grueling.
here would be long lulls followed by tremendous wa"es of
obnoxious Aadison A"e execs. hey wanted what they
wanted and had little patience and I had a hard time
learning how to ma!e all the bewildering "arieties
of coffee be"erages that this +oint offered. So I
was always lagging a little behind but I got
away with it because I was cute and the
ladies were sweet on me. his scenario
meant that I really needed to ma!e
the most of my wee!ends if I
wanted to get anything serious
done. I started spending as
much time as possible
in the 5ower 'ast
Side. I found a
coffee place
I li!ed on
5udlow
called the Pin!
Pony. I con"inced
them to let me play
there but no one showed
up. All the scene people I
met !ept tal!ing about the
Sidewal! &afO on :
th
and A. hey
at least had a coherent scene going.
heir open mi!e was on Aonday nights
and the place was always pac!ed. /ou
had to wait four hours to play one song,
which I did, by which time no one was there.
hat scene was all about anti-fol! a mutant
form that pri*ed +u"enile humor o"er genuine
talent. I !new immediately that they were all almost
uniformly posers and fa!es, but this was .ew /or! and I had
to do something. he figurehead was a wiry, balding gay guy
who wrote his fair share of boogers and pi**a songs.
I didn0t ha"e any luc! getting a gig there, but one night he
as!ed to ta!e a loo! at a noteboo! I was carrying around.
Ee saw that I could write and set me up with Don, who
was editing a fan-*ine out of the Sidewal!. I began
writing music re"iews for him. his was at least
something but it was intensely demeaning
writing about musicians who couldn0t
play, who were far less talented than
myself. Scenes re(uire belief, and
I had no belief in this scene
whatsoe"er. 7ut .ew
/or! is a desperate
place and there
was no other
scene around
so I held on,
wanting out.
ough luc!.
IP.
;ne Aonday
at the Sidewal!
I met a girl from
=rance who could
only spea! bro!en
'nglish. Eer name was
Dustine, a curly blonde with
blue eyes, ra*or-thin, and almost
as tall as me. I do not remember if
she was there alone or not, but we
hit it off and I started to see her there
more often. She was a year older than
me and had an air of experience. ;n one
Aonday, I decided to throw a cur"e-ball and
sing Cild is the Cind with a lot of "ibrato, a
la 7owie. It was a completely incongruous choice,
and Dustine %who must ha"e !nown I was singing to
her) seemed a little ta!en abac!. It wasn0t +ust her$ I
could tell that people were baffled, but what can I say<
7etter .ina Simone than boogers and pi**a. Ae and Dustine
finally made a non Sidewal! date, to see #he #hin Re! Line. It
+ust so happened that I had some re"iews to hand in to Don the same
night, so I slipped out of theater %which was around the corner from the
Strand, off 7roadway) to gi"e the re"iews to Don at the Sidewal!. It was a
completely pissant mo"e, but welcome to .ew /or! &ity. hat
night was free*ing, it was the dead of winter, I was excited but I didn0t
!now why. ypically, I got there and Don wasn0t there. .e"ertheless,
I wanted those re"iews published, so I decided to sit and wait. All
the time I felt guilty about Dustine, sitting alone in the theater.
At the table next to me was a woman who loo!ed intriguing.
She was buxom, with oli"e s!in and large features, green
eyes and sil!y blac! hair. here was also something
Asian about her eyes. 5i!e Dustine, she seemed to
be older and had an air of experience. Ce began
a con"ersation and I found out that she was
waiting for a blind date that ne"er showed
up. .e"ertheless, she seemed more amused
than anything else. Eer name, she said,
was 7riana. So she was waiting for a
blind date while my date was
waiting for me to come
bac!. ;ur meeting
was a !armic %and
comic) accident.
I left that night
and dutifully
returned to
Dustine, who
soon returned to
=rance, and sent me
a cool ony ;ursler
postcard. 7ut 7riana and
me had hit it off and we
started to hang out. I soon
learned that 7riana was a musician,
often played the Sidewal!. 7ut
her songs were earnest and fol!y, mostly
lo"e songs, and she sang them in a delicate,
hus!y alto. She didn0t fit in at the Sidewal!
much more than I did, and she was something
of an ad+unct to the scene there, rather than a
mainstay. 7riana tended to be late for appointments
and was often %li!e e"eryone else in .ew /or!) fra**led.
here didn0t seem to be an issue of us dating. Ce slotted
pretty easily into friendship without too much tension, though
I certainly found her attracti"e. .ew /or! is li!e that$ people
aren0t relaxed enough to feel much attraction to each other. Dust
ta!ing care of your own business is so much hassle that there is little
left for anyone else. It0s a hard town to get laid in. Plus, I0m sure that
7ri %and +ustly) thought of me as a comparati"e child. 7ut I was drawn
into her nexus ne"ertheless and I started to meet her friends, and some
of them became my friends too. Bina was e"en older than 7ri, a decade
older than me, and extremely gorgeous, auburn hair, pale s!in, li!e 7ri
large features, tall. She often sang bac!-up for 7ri and had associated
with a lot of musicians. 7riana and Bina had a "ery strange relationship.
I learned that 7ri tended to burn through people, lea"ing wrec!age
and bro!en hearts behind her %not that I was any slouch myself in
that department). Eowe"er, there was a symbiosis between these
two women that was hard to define. 7ri was crashing at Bina0s
pad in the Cest Hillage for a while and there was an issue of
some !ind of affair. 7riana li!ed to call herself straight but
not narrow, and I was left to surmise the ob"ious thing.
I was surprised, but Bina, who came from a lot of
money %&onnecticut), seemed to rather li!e me.
In fact, she often seemed to be more interested
in me than 7ri was, which I couldn0t figure
out. Aaybe she thought I could be her
boy-toy. In any case, I wound up
spending a substantial amount
of time alone with Bina, and
it was aw!ward, I ne"er
understood what we
were supposed to
be doing.
X.
-rama started
to erupt at the
deli. hey brought
in a manager-in-training
to train under 5. Ee was
my age and he was fuc!ing
obnoxious. Ce had an argument
about something and he claimed
inherent superiority# after all, he
said, loo! where I am and where
you are. his was less of a hurt and
more of an intense irritation cause the
guy %always in shirt and tie, s!inny, hairless
face) was stump dumb and about as original
as a bologna sandwich. I countered, admittedly,
with an e(ually stupid sal"oF I0ll see you on the
co"er of RollingStone$ 5ittle did I !now that in
fi"e years, the Internet would ma!e this maga*ine
obsolescent, by which time I wouldn0t care anyway.
7ut the atmosphere around me there deteriorated. 5
rode the subway with me once and I pointed out some
women that I found attracti"e and he said, /ou0re !illing
me, Adam. 5 seemed to thin! I was gay but I +ust didn0t !now
it. Ee could certainly remedy that. his impression was reinforced
one day when I was ser"ing someone and 5 decided to come up and
slap my ass. It felt li!e a gross "iolation, because we both !new what
the subtext wasF you%re gay, nowlet &e showyou what that &eans. he problem
was, I wasn0t gay, and I did not en+oy the feeling of being ob+ectified by
men. It felt li!e hands pawing at me. It didn0t help at this time that I was told
my performance wasn0t up to snuff. ruth be told, I was bad at food ser"ice, and
got by based on loo!s and charm. I was constantly screwing up orders and
ringing things up incorrectly, and I could ne"er remember how much a rugeleh
cost or how many butters to put in a bag with a scone. Plus, I was
staying out late a lot, and wor!ing on four hours sleep. he door to the
deli was glass, and I will ne"er forget the dread of facing it e"ery
morning at :F?I am. =inally, at a certain point, after se"eral
months, I decided to gi"e up and (uit. I wasn0t paying any
rent at my relati"e0s place, I was ma!ing a little less than
MK33 a wee!, so I was able to sa"e a decent amount of
money. It would ha"e been enough to li"e on for
six months in State &ollege, more li!e six wee!s
in .ew /or!. I got in"ol"ed in a huge fight
o"er my last chec!. hey wouldn0t gi"e it
to me, and I had to bully my way past
the counter to get it, until the fat
scoundrel who ran the place
opened up the safe and
handed it o"er. I
decided to tell
him about 5,
and the ass-
slapping
incident.
It was, after
all, the truth,
and it had made
my life "ery tense.
hat night, I got a
nasty phone-call
from 5F I0m not too
happy with you, Adam.
/eah, no shit. Ee started
ranting and ra"ing and I
hung up on the schmuc!.
/ou sexually harass, you better
be prepared to pay the piper.
In any case it didn0t matter because
I ne"er saw any of them again. I had
other things to worry aboutF my relati"e
was coming bac!, and I needed a place to
stay. I was thin!ing 5ower 'ast Side, so I
put fliers up all o"er the 'ast Hillage. I got a
call from a guy who li"ed at @3
th
and A in Alphabet
&ity, so I went down there to ha"e a loo!. It turned out
to be a gay couple, 6obert and im. I later found out that
they were on house arrest %an!le bracelets, the whole nine
yards) for dealing drugs, but they didn0t tell me that then.
I also later found out that they had an act, !new a lot
of celebrities, and were "ery big on the gay club
circuit. All I !new then was that I needed badly
to ha"e a place to sleep, and they seemed nice
enough, though the pad was filthy and not
"ery comforting. So, I somehow got all
my stuff from 14
nd
and &olumbus to
@3
th
and A, and made myself as at
home as I could possibly be. he
location, at least, was great, and
once again I got this brea!
because I was a pretty
!id and it must ha"e
been titillating for
6obert and im.
Ay bedF a couch.
7ut it wor!ed.
XI.
I tried a few
other things
to ma!e
money$
I got hired
at a trendy
eatery in Bramercy
Par!, to which I was
obliged to wear dress
clothes. Ay +ob was to
relay phone orders to the
coo!s, scribble them down
and place them where they
were "isible. hat was it, so it
meant standing in the same spot
for eight hours. I !new three hours
in that I could ne"er handle this forty
hours a wee!. hey li!ed me but at the
end of the day I abruptly told them that
this wasn0t for me. hen I got hired at a big
mo"ie-plex on the Jpper 'ast Side. Again, dress
clothes were re(uired. I was there to chec! tic!ets,
pic! up trash, and wal! down the aisles li!e an usher,
ma!ing sure e"erything was in place. his was right when
the first mo"ie from the second wa"e of the Star 'ars series
came out, so I got to see the mo"ie for free. 7ut the other guys
that wor!ed there were complete cretins and I couldn0t stand the
atmosphere so that was a no go. Chen I got hired at the Strand boo!store,
I thought that I had finally hit pay-dirt. he Strand was legendary not +ust for selling
boo!s, but because many legendary .ew /or! musicians %li!e om Herlaine) had wor!ed
there in the Se"enties. I showed up my first day in a positi"e frame of mind. hus, I was
slightly shoc!ed when my female boss led me to a narrow aisle with an
impossibly high stac! of shel"es on each side and said start shel"ing. he
narrowness of the aisles meant that it was almost impossible to mo"e,
especially with customers milling around. At one point, I couldn0t
find a stool to shel"e a boo! on a high shelf, and the boss hadn0t
introduced me to anyone else so there was no one I could as!
for help. his was an hour into my shift and I was loo!ing at
se"en more hours of solitary agony in the midst of throngs
of people in a store where I !new no one. As so often
happened in my early days, I panic!ed, threw off my
name-tag, wal!ed straight out of the Strand and
ne"er went bac! %except to shop.) I wonder if
anyone e"en noticed that I was gone. =or the
moment, I ga"e up loo!ing for wor!, leaning
on my pre"ious earnings, and tried to find
ways to further my career in the arts. I was
aided by an extreme luc!y brea!$ some
time in winter, there was a mild day and
I spent some time +amming with people
in Cashington S(uare Par!. ;ne of
them was a guy named odd who
said he was a singer. I didn0t
thin! much of the incident
%already !nowing that lots
of numbers get exchanged
in .ew /or! and still
nothing happens),
but in the middle
of me mo"ing
to the 'ast
Hillage
odd
called me.
urned out
he li"ed on
5eonard Street
in ribeca, next
door to the ,nitting
=actory %you could hear
the shows from odd0s
apartment.) he apartment
was roomy and odd clearly
had money. Ee came, in fact, from
a rich family and was finishing a film
degree at ./J. odd was short, stumpy,
prematurely grey and completely cra*y. Ce
hit it off immediately. Ee wanted to write songs,
so I started bringing my guitar o"er to 5eonard Street.
Ce started from scratch, the chemistry was good and we
were rolling. hrough odd, I got introduced into my second
ma+or .ew /or! nexus$ ./J film !ids. hese !ids all came from
money, and it meant little to them to as! their parents for M4I,333 to ma!e
a mo"ie. hey too! things %massi"ely) for granted, but they had figured
out the secret %without reali*ing it) to .ew /or!$ you do it with money,
or you don0t do it at all. Ay Aom had told me stories about what .ew /or!
was li!e in the Sixties, early Se"enties$ you could be 7ohemian and still li"e
decently. (in !e siecle .ew /or!< =orget it. It is a city for the rich and the trust-
funded to succeed in, especially where the arts are concerned. -id somebody say
he Stro!es< Anyway, hanging with these guys was a blast. hey had pot, and I mean
killer pot, deli"ered to their door li!e a pi**a. he first time I smo!ed odd0s weed, it
literally !noc!ed me flat on my ass. Ce were listening to O) *o&puter and I had a
"ision of hom /or!e0s face melting. It reminded me of my acid trip, was briefly scary.
So I had reached a stage where my energy was directed to music, but without a clear goal.
XII.
Ay ad"entures with odd and his gang were many, but it is hard to remember them, for
the simple reason that the weed we were smo!ing was not merely good but pul+eri,ing.
5oo!ing bac! at us, I am genuinely in awe. I ha"e no idea how any of us could ha"e
ta!en a ride on the ./& subway, or milled through imes S(uare during rush-hour,
on so much dope, but we did. Ce were all about twenty-threeF call it sheer ner"e.
=or those months, I was constantly finding myself in sparsely furnished lofts,
without !nowing how I got there. odd had established enough absolute
trust with his friends, that he could get there, hang out, and stic! around
if his friends decided to lea"e. ;nce a bunch of us went to see =ellini0s
- . at midnight in Aidtown. In our ha*e, it made "ery little sense.
I also became ac(uainted with a stunning brunette that odd had
a huge crush on. Ee met her in an ele"ator and that became the
sub+ect of one of our songs. ;ne night we were hanging at the
Aercury 5ounge and she showed up with a bunch of her
friends. She was flirting with me but I could feel odd
getting upset and nothing happened. here was also
a night when we were hanging in a bar called .iagra
on A"enue A, not far from where I was staying,
and we met two models. ;ne was a blonde
called ;lga and we clic!ed instantly but
she was +ust passing through town,
and 5ord !nows I couldn0t bring
her bac! to 6obert and im
%who were, of course, always
home), so nothing happened.
Jsually, I had my acoustic
with me, and odd and
I lo"ed to regale people
with our rapidly
expanding
oeu"re.
In three
wee!s, we
had written
a do*en songs.
Aost of them were
in a slic! white-fun!
style, a la &hili Peppers.
I was happy to play Dohn
=rusciante. Ce also went
to see the showing of odd0s
mo"ie on the ./J campus. he
mo"ie was called oxes and concerned
an ;&- guy who was bullied into doing
things by boxes that tal!ed to him. It was
"ery strange and not completely engaging and
I wasn0t surprised odd didn0t win any awards for
it, though it loo!ed professional. Chen we got a chance,
odd and I were also recording demos at a +ingles studio
called 7uttons Sound, on the se"enth floor of a high-rise at
?I
th
and I
th
. he sound-guy, Paul, was from a celebrated musical
family, played bass, and was a genuinely nice person %a rarity in
./&.) Ae and odd lo"ed being bratty !ids and smo!ing up in
the hallway bathroom before we hit 7uttons. he atmosphere was
(uite relaxed and we recorded our songs without much hassle. I hit it
off so well with Paul that I started to record my own material at 7uttons
too. his was all done for free and was a tremendously luc!y thing. odd, by the
way, ne"er met 7riana, or any of the Sidewal! crowd. I had distanced myself
from that scene almost immediately, though when 7riana played there she would
occasionally bring me onstage to play something. '"entually, odd left for 5.A.$
one of his mo"ies was in a festi"al out there. odd still thought we would form a
whole band when he got bac!. Ce had found another guitar player named 5ucas, who
was also an actor, and had dubbed oursel"es Eyde. 7ut odd could be fla!y and
irresponsible, and he had days when he absolutely could not sing on pitch. As much as I
lo"ed the guy, it was hard not to feel li!e playing in a band with him would dri"e me cra*y.
So, when odd left, I !new that that would be the end of our partnership. 7ecause Paul was
such a nice person, I had a place to record for free, and I did. I managed to record a lot
of the material that I had had floating around for years. hese recordings are what I
call -ead 9one recordings, because I was so fuc!ed up while I was doing them
that I ha"e no recollection of doing them. I had disco"ered the +oys of scoring
dope in Cashington S(uare Par!. Around the periphery, there were always
guys selling weed, and all you had to do was loo! at them a certain way
and you would both !now the score. /ou would follow them into an
alley and ta!e your M43 bag. I also !ept running into &heltenham
people at around this time$ ed, who I went for &hinese food
with, and who came with me to the Sidewal! and met 7riana#
D, who I ran into on the subway, on my way to Aidtown to
hit 7uttons Sound, and who said he was thin!ing of
going to law school# and -, who was going to
./J for psychology, in"ol"ed in shadiness,
and had little interest in hoo!ing up with
me. =or some reason I felt the need to
go blonde, nose-ring myself, really
fit in to the 'ast Hillage "ibe, so
I must ha"e been a sight to see.
At the same time, I started to
get some theater brea!s,
which I wasn0t expecting,
so I had established as
many compartments
in .ew /or! as I
had had in State
&ollege, though
sans comfort.
XIII.
;ne day I
was at
the
Pin! Pony,
writing, when
I noticed a group
huddled in a semi-
circle around a guy
wearing odd glasses
with dyed-pin! hair. Ee
was a little chubby and of
indeterminate age. After a
certain point I reali*ed that it
was a theater troupe and they were
tal!ing about plays. Chen the meeting
dispersed, I went up and introduced myself
to the leader, whose name was Aaron. I told
him that I had some finished plays and that I
was loo!ing to ha"e them produced. Ee told me
that his group operated out of the Piano Store, also
on 5udlow Street %a bloc! down from the Pin! Pony),
and that I could bring my plays and ha"e a meeting with
him there. his I did, after doing my best to polish what I
had. I brought him -ada &ircus, that the ;utlaws had done,
and a new one-act called =uc! -ay. Aaron tal!ed in general terms
about a festi"al he was putting together, that would ri"al the =ringe =esti"al,
of which he used to be a part. So I signed on with his troupe there, though it
too! me some time to figure out how the machine wor!ed. Aaron was a nice
person, and what I would call an art slut. hat is, he accepted almost e"erything
reasonable that came his way, on principle. he problem came when it was time to
turn his "isions into realities. &ircumstances, finances, and probabilities of success
largely determined what got produced and what didn0t. All this meant that if Aaron
said yes to ten hypothetical productions, three would get produced and se"en would
fade into obli"ion, +ust through a lac! of talent and8or resources. So I learned "ery
(uic!ly that there would be no guarantees. It didn0t help matters that I was "ery
unfocused at the timeF between music, poetry, loo!ing for a +ob, and getting
high, I was not capable of stic!ing to this in a way that would ensure that
my plays would be the three out of ten. .e"ertheless, I was accepted
into the circle and in"ited to the group meetings. hey were aw!ward
for me because there would often be round-robins where people
would tal! about how their pro+ects were de"eloping. Aine
were not really de"eloping at all, so I would stammer a few
things and then clam up. o ma!e up for this, I signed
on to do tech wor! at an e"ent Aaron was doing at
the 7owery 7allroom. It was une"entful other
than it helped me feel slightly more at home.
Aaron thought it would be a good idea to
pair me with a girl named Aercedes,
another poet8musician. She was
blonde, tall, rather hus!y, but
I li!ed her "ery much and
we began rehearsing here
and there. It got to the
point that a few of my
things were being
acti"ely rehearsed,
and I went to
some of the
rehearsals$
stoned.
hus, all I
can remember
is a "ague feeling
of pride. Aeanwhile,
I was on the prowl for
some action, which the
7riana8Bina nexus had not
supplied. I was crippled before-
hand because I had no pad to bring
anybody to$ I was still crashing on
6obert and im0s couch. Somehow I
met Sharon, a tall, buxom blonde from the
Aidwest who somehow found her way to .ew
/or! and wor!ed as a shop-girl. She was solid and
genuinely interested, and we went on se"eral dates. I
was +ust too finic!y and I let her slip away %and when some-
one slips away in .ew /or!, it really is bye-bye.) hen there
was 6i"!a, who was Israeli, red-headed and frec!led, and who
I pic!ed up in Cashington S(uare Par!. She always had good hash,
and we would get wrec!ed and go clothes shopping. =or some reason
I decided to get a pair of blac! dress shoes. I was down to @43 pounds and
I0m sure I loo!ed li!e a frea!. 6i"!a and I somehow drifted apart amidst all
the dope, and for the life of me I can0t remember how or why. here was one
time I pic!ed up a group of girls and brought them bac! to the place at @3
th
and
A. Ce smo!ed pot in the little bac!-yard surrounded by piles of dog-shit and I thin! we
had a pretty good time but I ne"er saw any of them again. Cho !nows< he point is
that I wasn0t getting any, but I was too distracted to notice most of the time. Ae and
7riana continued to see each other fre(uently, and there was discussion of her
acting in one of my plays. Ce got as far as a meeting with Aaron but no
farther. Bina in"ited me bac! to her pad to watch /pocalypse 0ow. Ce
were lying on her bed and I thin! she was expecting me to do some-
thing but I was shy with a sophisticated K?-year-old so I let the
moment pass. Spring was turning into summer and hot weather
in .ew /or! is "ery cruel. Aore theater stuff was on the way.
XIV.
I was loo!ing for a %hopefully paying) internship. A friend of
a friend, who happened to be a playwright, suggested that
I gi"e @K
th
Street 6ep a shot. hey were famous for 5ine,
the longest-running ;ff-;ff 7roadway play in .ew /or!
history. I wal!ed in on a bright spring day %or down,
actually, as the front-room of @K
th
Street 6ep was
beneath street-le"el), and made an in(uiry. It +ust
so happened that 'dith, the grande dame who
ran the place, and was something of a legend
in .ew /or! theater %which I didn0t !now
at the time), was hanging out in the front
room, and she sat me down to gi"e me
a good loo!ing o"er. She too! one
loo! at my &H, saw that I had done
&arnegie Aellon and had some
theater training, and decided
that rather than being an
intern, I should act. his
was unexpected but
not unwelcome. She
introduced me to
&hristian, a tall,
.ordic-loo!ing
dude, about
my age, who
was doing
some !ind
of residency
at @K
th
Street.
Ee immediately
cast me as ;0&onnor,
the dumb-ass dog in a
children0s play they ran on
Saturday and Sunday mornings.
6eally, had I been older and less
naQ"e, the situation would ha"e been
intolerable. hat show was not free, @K
th
Street was ma!ing money from it, and yet
us actors did not see one thin dime. It was
total exploitation. Still, a foot in the door is what
it is, and a gig was a gig. It might lead somewhere. I
went so far as to get head-shots done so I could be on
the big wall next to the other @K
th
Street 6ep actors. I0ll
ne"er forget the photographer0s studio, somewhere in Aid-
own, with all these scantily clad models hanging around. ;h
the titillation, and the slea*e factor was high. 7ut I got the shots
ta!en and was duly placed on the wall. I had also placed an in(uiry
with 'llen at 5a Aama. Ay first in(uiry was about ha"ing my plays
produced there. 'llen said that -ada &ircus was too con"entional
for them to consider. hen I ga"e them my &H to see if I could get an
internship. She handed it off to a famous a"ant-garde director named 6ichard,
who was doing a post-modern "ersion of Eamlet at the Performance Barage
on Cooster Street in Soho, home of the famous Cooster Broup. I began wor!ing
with them at the same time I was doing @K
th
Street 6ep, and signed on as assistant
stage manager. I was utterly unsuited to the +ob$ I did not ha"e a head for detail %or,
rather, I might ha"e had a head for detail if I weren0t stoned all the time), and especially
not in a context this stressful %the production got a write-up in the "illage "oice, Spalding
Bray e"en came to see the show one night.) So this was a semi-prestigious gig, but a !ind of
nightmare nonetheless, and guess what< .o moneyL I was doing all of this gratis, and
6ichard did not deem it necessary to gi"e me any material compensation. he only
real compensation was that I got to watch all the hot actresses %and Bertrude was
particularly hot) undress, and I was shoc!ed by the rampant nudity bac!stage.
he other per!, if you can call it that, is that all of us trooped onstage
during the production for Eamlet0s what a piece of wor! is a man
speech. So, technically I can say I was in a Cooster production.
7ut, honestly, this gig ga"e me the willies, and it didn0t help that
in my infinite gaucherie I accidentally mentioned Aac7eth
bac!stage one night and the gra"e-diggers got mad at me.
Chat was going to happen happened$ I fla!ed out,
left them without an assistant stage manager. I felt
bad about it at the time, but I don0t now. hey
had a lot of ner"e expecting me to do all this
wor! for nothing, and the fact that I was
willing shows you +ust how desperate
artsy !ids can get in .ew /or!.
7ac! at @K
th
Street, &hristian
brought in a hac! to write
songs for our show. 7eing
a coc!y sod, I tried to
con"ince &hristian
to let &e write
songs for
the show.
Ce got in a fight
about it, and &hristian
as!ed me to lea"e. I don0t
remember if I left or not, but
the +o!e was on him$ I was
a far better songwriter than the
gee! he brought. People in .ew
/or! +ust don0t listen. I didn0t care$
I was recording regularly with Paul at
7uttons and a new sound was ta!ing shape.
he (uestion was whether I could ta!e it somewhere.
XV.
In the midst of all this tumult, I had an opportunity to
re"isit State &ollege. A friend of mine who had family in
.ew /or! was coming briefly into town, and he offered
to gi"e me a lift bac! to State &ollege and a place to crash while
I was there. I was trapped in a !ind of gridloc! and the idea of
getting away for a few days seemed germane. Chat I really cared
about was seeing Aaria again. Ce had !ept in close touch. here was
a payphone on Astor Place that I always called her from, and I would be
in my usual stressed-out mode and she would comfort me. .either of us,
howe"er, pledged any !ind of faithfulness, and it would0"e been foolish for
us to do so. Aaria always had at least ten men breathing down her nec!, and
I was usually in"ol"ed with someone or other. here had also been many letters,
which were, li!e the phone calls, affectionate but uncommitted. I now !new in no
uncertain terms that I had lost something %someone, actually) by lea"ing State &ollege,
but there seemed to be little I could do about it. Seeing her would at least be better than
nothing. Ay friend arri"ed at @3
th
and A, and was aghast by the state of the apartment.
6obert and im were out, but I don0t remember if their probationary period was
o"er and if they were cheating or not. Anyway, he crashed on the couch after
I played him my new recordings %the best was 6iding the Ca"es, which
sounded li!e 1unky Dory era 7owie and which I had co-written with odd
at 5eonard Street), and the next day we too! off for State &ollege, after
ha"ing smo!ed se"eral bowls. Ce smo!ed maybe fi"e more times
during the ride there, and I admired his ability to dri"e while
under the cannabis influence %I, being a terrible !lut*, ne"er
e"en tried.) I was feeling sha!y and weird# when we got
bac! to his apartment, a dropped a handful of &-s,
shattering their cases. It was a cloudy day, as often
happens in Eappy Halley in springtime, and I
duly pic!ed up the phone and called Aaria.
7efore she got there, we were "isited by
a dude that had been a few years below
me at &heltenham. Ce celebrated
this coincidence with a few more
bowls. Aaria arri"ed while my
friend was out running errands,
and we ad+ourned to his
bedroom. It was aw!ward,
it was someone else0s
bed, Aaria felt
uncomfortable.
Ce cuddled
and fooled
around but
Aaria refused
to fuc!. I would0"e
done it because I
wanted her so badly,
but her restraint was
wise. As stoned as I was,
a normal con"ersation was
impossible, and she seemed
resigned to my incoherence. She
left on an inconclusi"e note, but I
was glad to ha"e seen her and didn0t
feel gypped. hat night in that apartment
there was a party with opium and a long +am
session. I seem to remember playing plugged-in
lead guitar from a second-floor porch. I also
remember being under-whelmed by the opium,
which I thought would blast my head off but instead
added a mild edge to an already formidable high. If
I had been smarter, I would ha"e stayed in State &ollege
for at least a few more days, and done Aaria the right way.
7ut something was happening, some deadline pertaining to Aaron
and my plays and I felt that I needed to be bac! in ./&. It was all an
illusion$ Aaron ne"er wound up using my plays anyway. .o matter$
I crashed one night on my friend0s couch and was ./&-bound all o"er
again. he phone-calls and letters between Aaria and
I trailed off. I was really alone. Ay life in ./& at the time did not
include no poetry, but I hadn0t yet found focus so poetry was
something I produced in a non-public way. I did regularly
read at one series, on @I
th
Street off of Jnion S(uare, and
made some inroads getting my stuff published through
that crew. Still, I was erratic regarding what I chose to
read and I remember reading an elegy I wrote to
Deff 7uc!ley and feeling embarrassed about it
afterwards. I saw poets li!e Philip 5e"ine
and &harles Simic read at ./J, and,
not ha"ing gone a"ant-garde yet, was
suitably impressed. I e"en got Simic
to sign my copy of 6imbaud0s
Season in 1ell. ;ne of my
few solitary epiphanies
in .ew /or! happened
on an abandoned
construction site
near Cashington
S(uare Par!, where
I scrawled I will 2e
an influential
poet on 3arth,
but I had no
idea why I
wrote it. I would.
XVI.
&hris had been sending
a series of letters to the apt.
at @3
th
and A. he letters were
extremely rancorous, and it was
clear that &hris was not pleased
with our friendship or the way that
I had de"eloped. &hris was big on
psychology and often li!ed to apply
his s!ills as an amateur psychologist to
his friends. Ee found me, he wrote, too
narcissistic, with a martyr complex and an
o"erly 6omantic imagination. All fair complaints,
but these insights were unheralded, he seemed to
be pic!ing them out of the air, as a pretext to end our
friendship. he dream-world I li"ed in, he said, wasn0t
wor!ing for him. As much as I could concede that he was
right %at least on some le"els), the whole thing was disingenuous because
at the root of it was &hris0s inability to forgi"e me for messing around with
- bac! at &heltenham. Ce had co"ered this o"er, but it turns out that he
had neither forgi"en nor forgotten it. =i"e years later, he was
still obsessed with - %the irony was that I was actually ha"ing contact
with - at this time), and all the things that had happened were still
eating away at him. All this was exacerbated by the fact that &hris
had become a compulsi"e drin!er and o"er-eaterF plates of chic!en-
wings washed down by copious beers e"ery night. he result is
that he +ust got hea"ier and hea"ier. It was especially sad for
me to watch, because when I met &hris he was an extremely
good-loo!ing adolescentF blonde, slee!, well-!empt. 7ut
now he had made it impossible for himself to ha"e a
girlfriend or e"en to hoo! up. Ee resented both me
and Ste"e %who was also in ./&, though our orbits
did not touch) our successes with women and he
was still stuc! in a mode that we had grown out
of. he problem was that &hris en4oye! this !ind
of conflict and he li!ed to prolong it. Ee would
gladly ha"e exchanged twenty more letters, each
one going into great detail in describing what a
narcissistic creep I was. Ee li!ed to get in a
groo"e and rut. I didn0t ha"e the time or
the energy to do it, so I didn0t answer
the letters. It would be years before
I would hear from &hris again. It
was a sad ending that I did not
pay much attention to at the
time. I had my own +ealousy
issues to deal with$ 7ri
and Bina had become
in"ol"ed with a band,
a bunch of rowdy
guys all pushing
thirty, and 7ri
in particular
fell for them
and their
whole "ibe.
hey were ;,,
but li!e a lot of
bands, particularly
./& bands, they had
more on the ball with
attitu!e than they did with
music. heir swagger was more
impressi"e than their chord changes.
Suddenly, I was hearing intimate bed-
room details, and there is nothing a self-
respecting guy hates more than playing the
frien! role. Inad"ertently, I got bac! at 7ri for
placing me this way. =or some reason, we were
all stuffed in a car, riding down Eouston Street. hey
were playing 7ri0s demo %7ri was recording now at 7uttons
too, Paul was a saint), nodding, ;,, ;,. hen I gi"e them
&y demo to play, and they heard the first song, 5o"e Ae, 7lame
Ae %written in the basement of 5eete Eall, -ecember 01I, under the
influence of ;asis and .eil /oung) and went a little cra*y. I had mo"ed
them more than 7ri had. Chen we got to the bar and got out of the car, I
could see that 7ri was "isibly de+ected. It was a little disillusioning$ I thought
we could steer clear of ./& en"y, but we couldn0t. 7ri would ta!e things out on
me in weird ways$ I used to li!e to !ill time at the Hirgin Aegastore on Jnion S(uare,
and I disco"ered 7eth ;rton. *entral Reser+ation was huge at the time, and it was one of
the few albums I bought while I was li"ing in ./&. I leant it to 7ri, and she ne"er ga"e it
bac!. It was li!e what happened with &arrie and #he en!s in State &ollege, in re"erse$ 7ri,
e"en when prompted, would feign innocence, which was ridiculous because we both !new
she had the album. Still, there were moments of peace and calm between us. '"en though
I was no longer in"ol"ed with the Sidewal!, she brought me onstage to sing 6iding the
Ca"es during one of her shows. I could feel the crowd li!ing me, which was a
surprise. Ce would ha"e brunch at the Sidewal! too, which was cheap and
solid, and though 7ri was ine"itably a half-hour late we had a good time
together. I told 7ri about my State &ollege ner"ous brea!downs and
she told me her own stories of turbulence. Ce e"en bus!ed together
a few times in the subway. 7ut .ew /or! ma!es real intimacy
hard to catch. Ce always got near it without e"er touching it,
and that is how I felt about 7ri. In a different context, we
could ha"e been much sweeter on each other. ./& is not
a sweet place, and many sweet things taste sour there.
PHII.
It seemed that for 6obert and im, the titillation of
li"ing with a cute younger guy was wearing thin.
his wasn0t so much a problem for im$ he
was gentle, caring, and !ind. 7ut 6obert was
a gay thug and was into imposing his will.
'dges began to become apparent in
6obert0s beha"ior. Ee began lea"ing
!in!y stuff around the apartment,
in prominent places$ pictures
of himself na!ed, bits of gay
porn. I got the distinct
impression that he
was sending me a
message. At the
time, I was
sleeping
downstairs,
the apartment
had two floors,
connected by a spiral
staircase, and the bottom
floor was uncarpeted, so I
was sleeping on linoleum. It
+ust so I happened that my floor-
spot was situated right next to 6obert0s
computer. I had put up some clippings of
9iggy Stardust-era 7owie on the wall near the
computer, and 6obert too! these as an open
admission of gayness. Ee left his personal +ournal
out, open to a page where he said that I was suppressing
gay tendencies and that I longed to be as open and free as
someone li!e 7owie. It was pure bullshit, a pro+ection of 6obert0s
own fantasies. All this culminated in an incident in which 6obert left
me a note, offering to gi"e me a blow+ob. Ee wanted me to ac(uiesce
without saying anythingF +ust lea"e your boxers on the computer chair,
and I0ll !now. I made the mista!e of confronting 6obert about it and
letting him !now I had ta!en the note. he minute I left the apartment,
6obert %probably fearing some !ind of legal charge) went through all of my
stuff until he found the note and too! it bac!. Ee was scum. 7ut I definitely
!new at this +uncture that my days at @3
th
and A were numbered. I began ma!ing
in(uiries and responding to ads about places to stay in 7roo!lyn. /et I was in a
"ery bad position, technically unemployed and without much sa"ings left. he whole
edifice of my .ew /or! life was starting to crumble. I left @K
th
Street 6ep rather abruptly,
after another fight with &hristian. I had somehow managed to miss a rehearsal, and he
made a point of telling me you0re easily replaced. here was no parting scene$ I +ust
stopped showing up. hey deser"ed no better. -ealing with Aaron was different$ he
really was a nice person %albeit scattered), and had tried in his fashion to help me. ruth
be told, I had too many fundamental issues to deal with and any wor! that wasn0t
paying would need to be cut. I had almost nothing left. he last meeting at the
Piano Store was cordial. Aaron said, It0s been real, and I ha"e always
wondered if he meant it or not. =inally, the last straw came with 6obert
and im. I got in an argument with 6obert o"er %belie"e it or not)
whether or not Aadonna was going to be at a certain party. 6obert
went into a blind rage and ordered me to lea"e the apartment
and ne"er come bac!. Ee did this, mind you, without finding
out whether or not I had a place to crash. =or all he !new,
I would be sleeping on the street that night. Aay he burn
in hell. 7ut there was a payphone right outside the apartment
and I called my relati"e at 14
nd
and &olumbus and %than!
BodL) she was home and I could crash there for a time.
I put my whole energy into finding another place to
li"e. here was a room with a tough white lady in
Nueens that loo!ed promising. She e"entually
said yes, but before she did I found another
place, a hole-in-the-wall dump in Par!
Slope, 7roo!lyn, right where it turns
into 7ay 6idge. his was Satur!ay
0ight (e+er territory, only now
e"eryone spo!e in Spanish,
when I went to buy
groceries I was the
only 'nglish spea!ing
person in the store.
It was a bric!,
brown,
terrifically
ugly neighborhood,
?I minutes outside the
city on the - train. Plus, I
did not ha"e my own bathroom,
it was down the hall, and always
stan!. he floor of the apartment
was uncarpeted and there was no
mattress to sleep on. In short, it was e"en
more completely uncomfortable than @3
th
and A had been, but it was the best I could
do. I had lost all direction and did not !now
what to do next. Chere could I wor!< Chat
could I write< Ay first response %typically) was
to buy a big chun! of opium in Cashington S(uare
Par!. I wound up eating it on a peanut butter and +elly
sandwichF bad idea. It was summer and the nights %no
A&) were grueling. I tried to ma!e the best of things but
I was really almost bro!en. I had gi"en .ew /or! e"erything
and gotten "ery little in return. Something had to gi"e, soon.
XVIII.
I met 5orna in Cashington S(uare Par!. Ce were sitting somewhere
watching a theater troupe do exercises and we struc! up a con"ersation
about Sha!espeare. Somehow something stuc! between us and we wound
up at this swan! apartment on 6i"erside -ri"e. She was house-sitting so there
was no one home. Ce smo!ed a lot of dope and listened to good music and ran
around goofing off. Chen I could, I was crashing at 14
nd
and &olumbus, because
7roo!lyn without A& was horrendous. So I did not ha"e far to go when I left 5orna,
and we did this for se"eral nights. It reinforced for me the fact that .ew /or! is no
longer a city you can en+oy without proper funds, though it used to be. hese dates with
5orna were, in fact, my last tango in .ew /or!. I felt myself ready to gi"e up and, when
August hit, I threw in the towel. I would go bac! to Philly and see what I could ma!e of it.
I had ne"er li"ed in Philly proper before, so there was still a certain amount of mystery for
me to loo! forward to. Ay parents agreed to let me crash in Blenside until I could find a
+ob and a place to stay. I spent a few days hanging around South Street and Philly
seemed &anagea2le, li!e hea"en on earth compared to ./&. I often chose to
drin! coffee at Philly Da"a at ?
th
and 5ombard, as I had a history with the
place. -uring those horrible months in early 01> when I was stuc! at
home, I became in"ol"ed with a group of poets who ran their own
+ournal and did readings out of Philly Da"a. he most memorable
of this group was Hlad, a 6ussian trust-funder with a baby-face
and a bald pate who li!ed to write about low-li"es. Eis
signature poem in"ol"ed a dirty whore, ta!in0 a bath,
smo!ing crac!, singing songs from time to time.
;n one memorable e"ening, I had par!ed the
Detta at the Blenside Station and Hlad ga"e
me a ride bac! to my own car. Ee played
me 'no0s /nother Green 'orl! and it
became an instant fa"orite. he
group adopted me to a certain
extent and published a hand-
ful of my things. I couldn0t
en+oy it because I was so
beat-to-shit at the time
but I felt comfortable
at Da"a and !new I
could find action
there. he first
thing that
happened
at Da"a, and my
first taste of Philly
attitude, was a fight
I had with the barrista
about indie roc!. I can0t
remember how or why it
happened but it was "iolent
and not a little bit sexy. Aaybe the
second day there, I saw a guy roughly
my age %and who resembled 'hite /l2u&-era
Paul Ac&artney) scribbling poetry. I went up
and introduced myself. Eis name was Deremy.
urns out we had met before, also in 01>. I was
on an ad"enture in Aanayun! with &hris, and we
wound up in someone0s apartment. Deremy was there
playing a guitar and we +ammed on Smiths songs and on
Astral Cee!s by Han Aorrison. .ow we had a (uic! tal! and
Deremy signed on instantly to be my poetry mentor %he had a degree
from Hillano"a and I was still degree-less), and I noticed that his
personality was histrionic, rather !itchen sin! and that he was full
of eccentricities and odd humor. I had been hired at a
place called 6ittenhouse Aar!et at @2
th
and Spruce as a cashier,
and it was surprisingly non-stressful %if slow), and at first I did
not feel humiliated by it. he strangest thing that happened
there was when a girl I remembered "aguely from Penn
State showed up and told me she en+oyed the ;utlaws
play I had written that had been done that spring. o
my !nowledge there had been no ;utlaws play done
that spring, but it turns out they had produced
Aortuary Puppies without either telling or
as!ing me. Chat classL She described it as
the one where they ran all your poems
together. here was also a blo!e wor!ing
at the mar!et named 5ymond, absolutely
emaciated, with a pony-tail and mustache.
Ce hit it off, and it turns out 5ymond
was a !ey player in the Philly Both
scene that was de"eloping at this
time. It was the beginning of a
Both connection that I was to
de"elop in the months to
come. =irst, I had to find a
place to li"e. his time, I
had family help$ 5arry
had a friend who was a
landlord, and who offered
me a place at 4@
st
and 6ace
for a discount rate. I
accepted immediately,
it was a great pad and
would ha"e been
unthin!able in
.ew /or!. I
mo"ed in as
autumn bro!e gently.
PIP.
People started arri"ing
unceremoniously in my life,
+ust as I had hoped they would.
-eb was a few years older than me,
straight blac! hair, big brown eyes, I was
sitting at Da"a and she +ust wal!ed up to me
and started ya!!ing. urns out she li"ed in a
swan! apartment right around the corner from
Da"a. I (uic!ly became a play-thing for her, though
we ne"er consummated our relationship. It didn0t ta!e
me long to reali*e that -eb had some !ind of personality
disorder. She was always throwing money and credit cards
around, though she did not ha"e a +ob. urns out she was a
-addy0s little girl and was wont to hit her father up for funds.
I would sit with her while she planned her next &aribbean "acation
and tal!ed about opening her own nail salon. She was always up for
a cheap hustle# when we went to see #he Sixth Sense, she snuc! in while
I paid. She was terrifying, and the mo"ie was too. 7ut for a few wee!s, we
were inseparable# we dro"e around in her car, a white Eonda, and did random
stuff. She e"en li!ed my music. Ce wal!ed at Halley Breen and cuddled a little bit on one
of the benches, but -eb li!ed muscle-men and an art-waif wasn0t her idea of a lo"er. She
did turn me on to he Sea and &a!e, though. And in"ited herself to do her laundry in my
apartment, with a washer that wor!ed and a dryer that was half-functional at best. It was a
bit li!e Bina in .ew /or!$ I really didn0t understand what we were supposed to be doing
together. '"entually the whole thing died down and I rarely
saw -eb again. Someone more memorable was Doni, another Da"a pic!-up. Doni
was se"enteen, and had her blac! hair cut in 7ettie Page bangs. She was a little
plump, but pleasingly so. She was dressed in all the accoutrements of Both$
blac! s!irts, fish-nets, +ewelry. I sat down next to her and she bu**ed me
instantly. here was a current of mutual desire there. 7efore the night
was o"er, I was ma!ing out with her while she waited for her bus
bac! to &hestnut Eill, thin!ing of 6enton and -iane in #rainspotting.
Ce made a date for the following Saturday. It was a sunny day in
;ctober, and I met Doni in 6ittenhouse S(uare. Ce made the
fifteen minute wal! bac! to my apartment at 4@
st
and 6ace.
I managed to coo! her a ser"iceable dinner, though I did
not yet !now the tric! of dripping and mixing oli"e oil
into coo!ed pasta, so the pasta was dry. Ce dran!
white wine with the meal and sat at the wic!er
table with windows o"erloo!ing the =ran!lin
Institute. ;nce that was done Doni was "ery
(uic! in initiating the next phase. She
had a particular penchant for fellatio
and bragged about the number of
men she0d gi"en head to before.
I was slightly ta!en abac! by
her landing strip, and had
yet to learn that women
generally ha"e learned
to use their pubes as
a mode of self-
expression.
Doni and
I had
se"eral
dates li!e
this, and it
seemed serious
enough to her that
she thought I should
meet her parents. Ce too!
the train together out to &hestnut
Eill. Doni0s mom was clearly traumati*ed
by her daughter0s acti"ities, while her step-dad
was also solicitous. Doni lied and told them I was
43, rather than 4K, and studying at emple. hey
ser"ed plantains as dessert and seemed li!e reasonable,
cultured people, but some things I said about .ew /or!
ga"e me away and they !new I wasn0t 43. hey as!ed me to
sing for them and I did a little 7owie. Still, this meeting can0t
ha"e gone that well because I didn0t see Doni for ages afterwards.
I didn0t register it as a loss because Doni and I were only beginning
to !now each other, and I had so much other stuff on my plate at the
time. I started to go to Both parties with 5ymond. A cast of characters
was introduced to me that would stay in my life for (uite some time. -a"e
and .emon were older than me, two African-American musicians %and excellent
ones) who were also mystical &hristians and Both stalwarts. I could tal! to them
about ghosts, astrology, all that stuff without feeling self-conscious. -a"e and I
would +am in the Da"a bac!-room, and the songs he was producing at the time were
stunning, li!e an amalgamation of Syd 7arrett, Prince, and thrash metal. Ee used all
!inds of augmented and diminished chords and his chord changes were outrageous.
-a"e and .emon %who was more into playing !eyboards and more laid-bac! about his
music than -a"e was) were ubi(uitous on the Both scene and -a"e often played these
parties with his band, Pextacy %pronounced 'cstasy), which consisted of him, a bass
player, and a guy playing bongos. he first Both party I went to, at ?I
th
and Spruce, I sat in
the front of a crowd in somebody0s bedroom, high as a !ite, and listened to -a"e play his
songs. hey were hands-down better than any I had heard by the Sidewal! people in .ew
/or!, and 7riana, and I started to get high hopes that maybe something was happening in
Philly. I was young enough and naQ"e enough not to reali*e that there are talented people
e"erywhere, and that who ma!es it and who doesn0t %in roc!, at least), often simply
comes down to luc! and timing. -a"e was "ery uptight about his music and had
I been more worldly-wise, I would0"e !nown that that was a bad sign, that you
ha"e to be willing to eat shit to an extent to ma!e it. 7ut I sat there, soa!ing
it all in, and I felt li!e I had won a million dollars. All I had to do was start
putting pieces together and e"erything would fall right into place.
PP.
Someone told me about an open mic that was held e"ery wee!
at a place called St. Beorge0s, on >
th
Street off of South. I
wal!ed in while a thunder and lightning storm was brewing,
and it turned out there was a s!ylight right abo"e the
stage so performers were lit up by the lightning
flashes. It wor!ed perfectly for me because
almost e"eryone that played that night
!noc!ed me out. -a"e and .emon
were there, and great, and a poet
named 5ora with her friend
Aatt playing !eyboard
while she read. I !new
5ora from my G1>
forays into the
Philly reading
circuit, and
I !new
Aatt
too from
a reading at
6obin0s in 012.
Aatt had needed
a copy of the -oors
he 'nd and I happened
to ha"e one in my poc!etF
serendipityL It was a memorable
reading %though I was still in State
&ollege mode) because somebody slipped
me a "alium %which I had ne"er had before) and
I became "ery happy. So here they were, 5ora remembered
me and Aatt was lo(uacious and friendly. Aatt was short, going
bald, with stringy brown hair and glasses, a mad professor type, while
5ora had long blac! hair, a swarthy, rough complexion, and was deaf in
one ear. Ce were definitely a bunch of frea!s. So I watched them do their
act and then spent a long time tal!ing to Aatt at the bar. I ga"e him the rap that
I was gi"ing e"eryone, that there could be a Philly scene to ri"al any other city0s, that if
we all teamed up we could ma!e it happen, that e"erything we needed was right in front of
us. Aatt was both bemused and interested. Ee could see how on fire I was about the whole
thing. Chile we were tal!ing, we were approached by a red-headed, bearded,
tall guy from &hicago named -an. In all the years I !new -an, I could ne"er get a
coherent history out of him, but he was a musician and a performer and he
definitely wanted in. here was a sense we all had that night that something
was in the ma!ing, that something was coming together. It turns out that
the only real difference between me and these fol!s is that I really did want
to ta!e o"er the world. All the dudes li!e -a"e and .emon, brilliant
as they were, were happy to swim around in a small pond. 7ut I
was too young and +a**ed to notice such discrepancies and I
felt ready to lead all of us into the Cild Cest of cultural
pioneering. I wal!ed home that night in the pouring
rain and I didn0t gi"e a damn. 7ecoming the leader
of a new scene was all I cared about. here were,
howe"er, other details to attend to. I was already
sic! of 6ittenhouse Aar!et, so I went out and
loo!ed for another gig. I wound up being
hired by the 7arnes and .oble, also on
6ittenhouse S(uare, and it was, in
many respects, fortuitous. /ou
could get full health insurance
co"erage for wor!ing only
twenty hours a wee!, I
had always been boo!ish,
and the atmosphere was
relati"ely laid bac!.
his would be
my main
paying gig
for many years.
I also decided to
!eep going bac! to
.ew /or! to record with
Paul. I was unsatisfied with the
recording we had done of 6iding
the Ca"es, and had another crac! at
it. his time, I too! off the elaborate
1unky Dory intro, added a riff straight off
of Sia&ese Drea&, and layered acoustic guitars
for an appropriately oceanic effect. .e"ertheless,
when it was o"er I got depressed and thought it was
rubbish, though it turned out to be one of the best
recordings I e"er made. I had "ague plans to collect the
recordings I had done with Paul and release them under the
title Gal+ani,e. I en(uired at se"eral indie labels in PhillyF no dice.
I also made plans to bring -a"e and Pextacy up to record at 7uttons.
It seemed li!e the logical next step. Paul agreed that when I started playing
out in Philly, he would come down and play bass for me. Eis generosity ne"er
ceased to !noc! me out, considering who his family was and how obnoxious he
could0"e been. o mo"e things forward, I would need to find a "enue where we
could all play. I decided to start small and made an in(uiry at a coffee shop at @K
th
and Pine called the 5ast -rop. I also decided we needed a collecti"e name. I came
up with his &harming 5ab, partly because Deremy was into the Smiths, partly
because 7owie in his early twenties also ran an Arts 5ab in his nati"e 5ondon Gburb.
I would include poetry, fiction, film, dance, e"erythingF this would be about Art, rather
than merely roc! and roll. he Da"a readings with Deremy continued, and it seemed to me
that all these worlds needed to coalesce, and I was the man to ma!e it happen, especially as
I was now relati"ely sol"ent and en+oying my life again. So, the 5ast -rop it was, @@84:.
PPI.
Chen the date arri"ed, I was still with Doni. She was attired in her usual all-blac! mode.
Ce got to the -rop before anyone else did, and sat downstairs %where the show was
to be), on the steps that led up to the bac! window, ma!ing out. Deremy arri"ed and
I introduced Doni to him. Eowe"er, we had a big problem when Pextacy showed
up with their amplifiers. =or some reason, the owner had thought that the
music would be acoustic. Ee threw a fit when he saw the amps, and
put a note on the door of the -rop saying there will be no music
tonight. I was already wound up pretty tight and this caused me
to snap. An argument ensued that I would ha"e lost had it not
been for 5ou, -a"e0s bongo player. Ee told me to shut up
and wal!ed reasonably and sensibly up to the owner and
negotiated with him. In ten minutes, the sign was ta!en
down and we were in business again. It was good that
the sign was ta!en down because do*ens of Both
!ids came pouring in. his was when -a"e had
a big draw and people followed him around
e"erywhere. here was excitement in the
air and suddenly Aatt and 5ora were
on the scene too. I found out what
they called themsel"esF 6adio
'ris. -ownstairs at the -rop
was dimly lit, with chec!ered
linoleum floors, and we
began in an atmosphere
of moody semi-gloom.
-a"e was playing
his customi*ed
red twel"e-
string,
which I
also en+oyed
playing %when he
would let me), and
all his great early songs
came tumbling outF there
was Parade, 'laborate
-reams, Bod0s Pinata and
they all had catchy choruses that
many of us sang along to. Aatt and
5ora were also good, they had a song
poem that started off, Philadelphia, I am
lea"ing you, and also a &offee Song, and
there was a purity to their stance that got muddied
up when 6adio 'ris became a full-fledged band. I got
a little panic!y because people were openly smo!ing bowls
but there was little I could do about it. As fraught as this first
show was, it wound up being one of the most exciting his
&harming 5ab shows. I wanted to bring -a"e to .ew /or! to record a
demo with Paul at 7uttons Sound. I arranged the thing and -a"e said he
could get a ride up with 5ou. I wound up spending the wee!end in .ew /or! and
Pextacy came up =riday night. Ae and Paul waited endlessly$ Pextacy wound wound up
being four hours late. his was right around the time 7ec! put out Mi!nite "ultures$ I
decided to write a (uic! homage to him and record it on the fly. It turned out good, I
called it Bettin0 6eal .umb to be .umber ;ne, but I ne"er heard it again and it is %I
assume) lost in the 7uttons Sound "aults to this day. -a"e did e"entually ma!e it to
7uttons, along with 5ou. -a"e was "ery uptight about recording in a professional
studio, and we had to coach him through the process. I do not belie"e that he had
e"er seriously recorded before this. I had him lay down rhythm trac!s of twel"e-
string guitar and bongos and then o"erdub his "ocals. Ee disco"ered that when
you aren0t encumbered by an instrument, you ha"e that much more freedom
to do an emoti"e, expressi"e "ocal. /et if you are used to singing while you
play, this can feel aw!ward at first. After se"eral fair ta!es, -a"e hit his
stride. Ee !noc!ed e"eryone out, including Paul. I was extremely
proud, and I had faith that this guy could be unstoppable. So
Paul and I wrapped things up, once Pextacy left %and after
gi"ing them the -A tape) in a +ubilant mood. he next
wee!, I wanted to tal! to -a"e about how he felt the
recording went, and he was %to my surprise) e"asi"e.
I soon disco"ered why$ turns out that somehow,
between .ew /or! and Philly, -a"e and his
buddies had lost the -A tape. I was shoc!ed
and hurt$ this was a professionally recorded
demo from a .ew /or! studio, and they
had lost the -A tape in one night<
-a"e didn0t seem to gi"e a shit. I
+ust couldn0t belie"e it. -idn0t
-a"e want to succeed< -idn0t
he want the world to !now
about all of his great
songs< he answer,
I see clearly now,
is no. Success
was a matter
of no great
concern to -a"e.
I was pro+ecting my
own ambitions onto
him, assuming he felt li!e
I did, and he did not. .e"ertheless,
I had arranged to gi"e him something
for free that would otherwise ha"e cost
hundreds of dollars, and he had thrown it
away. I !new then that despite -a"e0s talent,
he was an unsafe bet. I would need to expand
outward to !eep his &harming 5ab afloat, and good.
PPII.
At that time, the ,hyber was the hottest roc! club in Philly.
It was rather dingy$ a long, narrow bar in a narrow room with
a +u!ebox, attached by two open entrances to the main space, which
had a low stage, low ceiling, no chairs, and a large row of windows behind
the stage. ;ne night, I0m not sure why, but I wound up there with -a"e and
.emon. It was, incidentally, the first night that I decided to dress completely
Both$ blac! fishnet shirt, lipstic!, studded dog collar, leather pants, the whole
nine yards. -a"e and his gang went nuts when they saw me. hey were amused, and
I am guessing it was because I still loo!ed li!e a nice Dewish boy from the suburbs. In
any case, we went in to watch the show. he band that was playing were called Aetro,
and I had heard about them. hey were all Both-affiliated without being Both. he lead
singer was !ind of Dagger-ish, with the preening, rooster-li!e (uality that ma!es for a good
front man. I0ll call him B. 6ich, the guitar player, also loo!ed nice and suburban. he music
they played was an amalgamation of 23s synth-pop and 13s alternati"e roc!, with a bit of
>3s pun! thrown in. A few of them had =loc! of Seagulls haircuts, too. Aetro were big in
Philly at the time, e(ually lo"ed and hated. hey had a large female following, mostly
because of B, but the macho indie dudes hated them. Someone wrote on their
posters, Is this the =ixx< As for me, I thought they were tremendous, a lot
of fun, and I had a feeling I would clic! with them personally too. After
the show was o"er, Aetro came o"er to the bar, where we were all
sitting. I introduced myself to B and ga"e him the his &harming
5ab sales pitch. Ee was immediately interested and we got on
famously. 6ich and I hit it off, too. I noticed antagonism
between -a"e and B$ two Scorpio prima donnas, what
can you do< Plus, I0m sure -a"e could sense that my
allegiance was shifting away from him and towards
Aetro. Eowe"er, many things were still hanging
in the balance and I played a few more cafO
shows with -a"e and Pextacy. I0ll ne"er
forget the first time I too! out my
guitar in Philly and played$ I
had a huge internal sense that,
where my music was concerned,
I was in the wrongplace at
the wrongti&e. Chere
the music business
is concerned, it
is "ery simple$
you are either
in the right place
at the right time or
you aren0t. I wasn0t,
and I !new it intuiti"ely
immediately. I !new it, and
tried not to notice. 7ut I had a
whole scene going in Philly, so I
felt I had no choice but to follow it
through. I disco"ered a place on K
rd
, between
Aar!et and Arch, called the Jpside -own &afO,
and it rapidly became the hangout place for the his
&harming 5ab crew. he place was ne"er pac!ed, so we
could go in there and do more or less whate"er we wanted.
A woman named Aimi, a "ery pretty African-American ex-lawyer
in her mid-thirties, was the proprietor, and she was more than
accommodating. At the time, I had gotten mixed up with a woman
named racy, a professional tease who li!ed to !eep men orbiting li!e
satellites around her. She was a bit older and had no intention of getting
seriously in"ol"ed, but she li!ed my crew and the Jpside -own so she was
around a lot. ;n one memorable night, -an and I got stuc! in her apartment for
se"eral hours, as she went bac! and forth about who she wanted to sleep with.
Appropriately, and to our dismay, she decided she didn0t want either of us and !ic!ed
us out at about 4 am. Ae and -an had a big argument that we later laughed about.
racy was another suicide blonde, and a new one was about to show up. ;ne
great thing about the Jpside -own was that it was ad"antageously placed for
=irst =riday crowds %on the first =riday of e"ery month in Philly, ;lde &ity
galleries throw open their doors, offer wine, cheese, new art). ;n one
=irst =riday, we were +amming when two girls came in, a blonde and
a brunette. hey started tal!ing to us and we hit it off. I decided,
guitar slung o"er shoulder, to ta!e off with them. Ce went to
the Painted 7ride for some monster open reading they
were ha"ing. he blonde had some guy %a -D) hanging
all o"er her. Eer name was Bene"ie"e, but we called
her Ben. I tried to hit on the brunette, and she
was flirty but indecisi"e %I later found out that
she was hoo!ing up with Aditya, of all people,
at the same time.) I left disappointed, but
a few wee!s later I ran into Ben at
Da"a %where else<) and wound up
ta!ing her home. here was a
nice Da"a !id, who wound
up also coming home
with us %for no
apparent
reason), and
I felt bad that he
had to listen to me
and Ben all night. Ben
had a poet father, a rough
upbringing, and was a child
of the streets. She was @1 at the
time, and sex meant recreation. ;ddly,
she didn0t loo! street# she was pale blonde,
blue-eyed, with delicate fair s!in and a thin frame.
She also dressed with a certain amount of class$ no
s!irts, clothes that could ha"e been suburban, no ma!e-up.
PPIII.
.e"ertheless, where lo"e was concerned she was legitimately all
o"er the place. I was by no means alone in en+oying her generosity. She
happened to be in art school at the time, and I would meet her at a studio
she was borrowing in Powelton Hillage. It was (uite fun!y, with high ceilings
and long windows, dotted with African art that the usual tenant had affixed to the
walls. Ben0s stuff was all abstract, and she could ha"e de"eloped into a fine painter, but she
lac!ed discipline. Eer one indulgence, where clothing was concerned, was a fa!e leopard s!in
coat that she li!ed to wear %this was the dead of winter.) It made her loo! li!e the uppity
bitches that hang around .orth-'ast Philly, only her prettiness made the whole pac!age
appear incongruous. She would show up drun! at my apartment, and she !new she
could count on me to let her in. hough she was se"eral years younger than me,
she !new more than I did about the ways of the flesh, and she taught me e"ery
thing she !new$ how to sixty-nine, how to do doggy-style, and through
Ben0s "ocali*ed enthusiasm I learned that I am well-endowed %strange
to learn, because I had always assumed the opposite.) Ben0s (uir!s
were all sexy$ she was into boots, and her fa"orite tric! was
to slip into bed na!ed but for the boots. She li!ed to ride
wearing the boots, and it was my first taste of !in!.
I was serious enough about Ben to introduce her
to my family$ we went with my Aom to see
a Sam Shepard play %which my Aom hated,
thin!ing his plays to be the 'mperor0s
.ew &lothes), and Ben came out
to dinner with us and a well-
!nown poet when he
came through town.
o my family, she
was cra*y Ben,
and they
regarded her
with some fondness.
Eowe"er, despite her
delicate beauty, she did
things that I +ust couldn0t
accept. hat Aarch, 7ec! was
coming to the ower heater to
support Mi!nite "ultures. Ben told me
that she and her friends had tic!ets and
that we should go. I said ;,. Ce hopped
in the car with her friends and I had a good
time ma!ing out with Ben in the bac! seat.
Eowe"er, we got there, and I found out that not
only did we not ha"e tic!ets %which meant that Ben
had lied to me), but that Ben and her friends planned
to snea! in by brea!ing down the door at the side of the
ower heater. I was extremely uncomfortable with this
scenario, and I bro!e into intense cogniti"e dissonance. If we
were caught, we could end up in +ail. So I stood and watched
them brea! down the door. It wor!ed, we snuc! in, but the
cops had seen and started chasing us. I lost my ner"e, ran
out, and too! a cab home. Ben later complained that I
should0"e stayed, that they had e"aded the cops and
had a good time, but I suppose it was my suburban
roots showing through. Somehow, this incident
seemed to seal the deal, and me and Ben were
on the outs. Actually, we didn0t really brea!
up$ Ben +ust drifted away, in her Piscean
manner. Doni put in another brief
appearance at this time, loo!ing
to get laid, but the attraction
was a dead one for me.
-an had li!ed Ben too$
this was when he
happened to sell
me some laced
weed. I spent
three nights
not sleeping, staring
at shadows of branches
creep up my wall. his &harming
5ab was on hiatus, so I loo!ed for
other things to do. I hosted a reading
in Aanayun!, which Deremy had set up,
and I rode the train there, stoned, with Aatt
and -an. I had planned to crac! eggs all o"er my
body %in the manner of Iggy Pop), but I wimped out
once at the "enue and it was +ust another reading. I also
spent a semester doing philosophy at emple. he ostensible
plan was for me to do my degree there, but it didn0t feel (uite right and I
had a feeling it wouldn0t happen. I also disco"ered post-modernity, through
an art-boo! called It Eurts, by a 7ritish art critic. 7ruce .auman hit me
immediately, and I became a die-hard fan. 7ut, really, I was biding my time,
loo!ing for a brea!through. his arri"ed when I was finally able to
get his &harming 5ab boo!ed at the ,hyber. he show was not until
late April, and it was myself, Aetro, and 6adio 'ris. Cere we ready
to +ump into the Philly big-leagues< I felt that with Aetro aboard,
we were. his is when B and I started hanging out hard-core,
getting high, tal!ing about girls. B had already been married
%so he said), had already been with do*ens of women, so,
as with Ben, I was recepti"e to his wisdom. Eis
philosophy had a lot to do with self-preser"ation,
with how to maintain integrity in the face of
the de"ouring female. Eis girls tended to
be "icious and cat-li!e. I loo!ed in awe
at the bi*arre dances they did.
PIH.
he first B-girl I met was
blonde, chun!y, with, as
B said, a body li!e a
porn star. She was
also shrill, abrupt,
and easily angered.
Ce were all at a
party at .emon0s,
"ery stoned, and
in the frame
of mind in
which it
is difficult to
tell where you are
or how you got there.
B went off to do some-
thing and somehow I got
trapped in a dar! room %it loo!ed
li!e a den of some sort, but this was
Cest Philly and e"erything was dust and
wood) with this girl. I made an attempt to
tal! to her, but she sat with her hands in her lap
and her lips pursed. Chate"er wa"elength she was
on, it was one I couldn0t access. It seemed to me, when I
thought about it later, that girls li!e this were after an
i&age that B embodied. Ee was trapped in a world in which
he was always ob+ectified and where the traditional gender
roles were re"ersed. B ne"er chased, but he li"ed in a social
context in which certain types of girls grabbed him. In any case,
I !new immediately that there was little room for me in this context.
'"en when I dressed Both, I0m sure the cleanliness of suburbia was
"isible underneath. I could ne"er really be street the way B was. he
deep dirt that B embodied, and that these girls wanted %it was a !ind of
authenticity, a badge of psycho-sexual honor) wasn0t there. /et I didn0t
register this as a loss$ I was fascinated by this world where sex was
ta!en as lightly as ha"ing a drin!, and in which sexuality and a
sense of self were conflated. 7eing friends with B allowed
me a "oyeuristic sense of participation, and pushed me
another notch down in my (uest towards ultimate
downwards mobility. In all the time I !new him,
there was only one B-girl I really wanted$ her
name was ,im, and she was a stunningly
beautiful blonde Southern belle. here
was something deep and rich about
her that wasn0t merely trashy. She
was li!e me$ more a "oyeur
than a participant. 7ut she
went for B and barely
noticed me, and that
was the only time
it stung. Chen
she was around,
I really did
feel
in"isible, li!e
I had no essence
or that something
had been robbed from
me. 6achel was another
B-girl, more in the tradition
of the feisty Both bitch. Eair
braided and dyed fire-engine red,
rail-thin, piercings e"erywhere, 6achel
was hell on wheels, and I was happy not
to be noticed by her. Eer and B were always
ha"ing screaming arguments, and if I remember
correctly, he always lost. I had to be careful with B,
because if I showed any signs of erudition he would become
uncomfortable. 7ut I still had no degrees, which paradoxically
allowed me to pass among street people in a way that I ne"er
could now. Also, I was still wor!ing a retail +ob,
which lent me some cred in this somewhat topsy-tur"y milieu. At
7arnes and .oble, I started to notice a girl named Aelissa, who
began wor!ing there a few months after I did. 5i!e ,im, she
was Southern, but slender and delicate, rather than buxom,
with big, round blue eyes, long, wa"y blac! hair, and pale
s!in. Physically, she reminded me of Aaria. She had a
boyfriend, so I couldn0t pursue her in earnest, but I
felt a connection begin to grow as we tal!ed. She
e"en began coming to see his &harming 5ab
shows. Interestingly, B and Aelissa too! an
instant disli!e to each other. Aelissa had
high standards and a lot of class %though
she came from a modest bac!ground)
and sensed the grime of street all
o"er B. B !new that Aelissa
would ne"er play the !inds
of games he li!ed to play,
that she was normal,
stable, and strong,
and so he declared
her %wrongly) to be
homely. hey
were two "ersions
of poor.
PH.
he first ,hyber
show loomed$ there
were all !inds of hassles
leading up to it. -a"e was
pissed because I didn0t include
him, but Bod !nows if he would
e"en ha"e shown up. I was in the
middle of writing a roc! opera, he
Seduction of Sara Starr. It was based
on a song I had written in ./& %"erses,
omp!ins S(uare Par!, chorus, Cashington),
and that I had recorded at 7uttons. hese wound
up being the songs I played out in Philly %there were
about fourteen of them). his collection could0"e been
my &agnu& opus, but wound up largely unrecorded. Paul
came down from ./& to play with me, and I had recruited Pete
from the Bodheads to play drums %he was li"ing with 7en in Cest
Philly at the time). It suc!ed because Pete was such a great
drummer, but he had "ery obscure tastes and an eccentric musical
personality and playing classic roc! was not really what he wanted
to do. As it happens, I ne"er found another drummer that I
clic!ed with as much as with Pete. I had terrible luc! that
way. It also boded ill that I had failed to negotiate business
details with the ,hyber. People were being charged at the
door but I had no idea where the money was going or
if we e"en bro!e e"en. It was a wee!-night, the room
was half-full, so B-d only !nows. Aetro arri"ed with
their usual bad-assed attitude intact. =or this special
occasion, .ora, a gorgeous redhead that was dating
6ich, showed up with full "ideo apparatus to tape
the show. I tried %and failed) to tal! to her$ +ust
as with B0s girls, our wa"elengths were not
compatible. Still, Aetro brought in the
better part of our audience, and the
blo!es sneered while the girls ate
it up. Aetro were also (uite
contemptuous of 6adio
'ris. 'ris had de"eloped
into a full band, but, in
all honesty, wor!ed
much better when
it was +ust Aatt
and 5ora. As a
full band, they
were Metal
Machine
Music
cacophonous and
didn0t sound good. It
was li!e listening to a wall
of mud, and they cleared the
room right out. 'ris also seemed
to ta!e for granted that they wouldn0t
be accepted, and adopted a loser0s mentality.
-a"e showed up and scowled. All in all, I felt
that the show was a failure$ the parts didn0t fit
together, there was no cohesion. he ,hyber also
weren0t happy because there were loose ends that ne"er
got fit bac! together. Still %and surprisingly, probably because
of Aetro), I managed to boo! another ,hyber show within a few
wee!s. hey might ha"e been cutting me a brea! because I was young.
Aelissa %pro"identially) bro!e up with her boyfriend at around this time, and we went
on our first date. It all seemed "ery unambiguous and we tumbled straight into bed. 7y
this time, Aelissa0s thic!, wa"y hair reached almost all the way down her bac!$ she
called it her &aptain &a"eman hair. It made her loo! sort of witchy and was a turn-
on for me %it made me thin! of the Aillay poem Citch-Cife,
and it is a poem that I still associate with Aelissa.) Aelissa was sha"ed, and the
expressi"e function of this %she said) was to demonstrate her cleanliness. I as!ed
if she would consider growing herself out, and she said ;,. In fact, I was struc!
by how much she wanted me and I !new in my gut that this was another real
relationship. Another young lady had started wor!ing at 7 R .. Eer name
was Aary, and she was a tall, thin, leggy blonde with straight hair and a
formal manner. At first, I did not ta!e much notice of her$ she seemed
cold and aloof. She also had a hard time dealing with my bi*arre sense
of humor. Aelissa didn0t li!e her, thought she was a space cadet.
Aelissa, actually, had a misanthropic strea! and was "ery choosy
about who she spent time with. Aelissa wasn0t necessarily
artsy, but she had strong li!es and disli!es %7illy &organ
being her absolute fa"e), and as I would play her things
and show her poems, she was ne"er indifferent or on
the fence. She ga"e an immediate yes to ;scar Cilde
and an immediate no to &octeau. I lo"ed this about
her$ this is something you could ne"er get from
a B-girl. =or them %it seemed to me), anything
abstracted away from fuc!ing, drugging, and
drin!ing was off the map. hey had little
intelligence and no taste. Aelissa and I
could discuss things intelligently, and
it turns out Aelissa got a higher
score on the SAs than I didL
So, while his &harming 5ab
went up and down, I was
able to consolidate a real
relationship, before Aary
burst into my life.
PPHI.
It seemed that
it might be a
good idea
to ta!e
what I had
and gi"e it a larger
form$ to do a show
that had the cohesion the
,hyber show lac!ed, and
that really showed his &harming
5ab in the best light possible. People
had told me about the ,illtime Carehouse
in Cest Philly. It was a huge, grimy, ugly space
that was being used for big pun! shows. he woman
that ran it was a +un!ie with gla*ed eyes but she was easy
to wor! with and I paid a few hundred dollars to rent out the
space for Duly 1. 7esides Aetro and 'ris, I recruited a few outside
bands that were popular in Philly at the time. I thought perhaps we
could get a little press, but it didn0t happen. I also, "ery foolishly, let the
business details slip through the crac!s. he communal feeling was there
with Aetro and 'ris$ they didn0t care. hey were in it, as I was, for lo"e.
7ut the other bands assumed that they would be paid. I told no lies, but these
things were being assumed behind my bac!. In any case, I was ill-prepared for the
show, and didn0t help myself by allowing one of the cute girls from the headlining
band to get me thoroughly stoned at the onset of the night. he e"ening started off
so slowly, in fact, that I assumed no one was going to show up. Chy stand at the door
collecting money when no one was coming in< Antics were going on that were fun to
watch$ Aetro got in a fight with one of the other bands %B was not only performing
but behind the board, he was a competent sound-guy). 'ris cleared out another room of
whate"er people happened to be there. hus, it was a huge +olt when, around midnight, tons
of people suddenly flooded in. I was stoned and paranoid and in no shape to as! anyone
for money. I as!ed 'ris to help but they wouldn0t do it. Aetro also couldn0t be bothered.
ruly, it was my responsibility and I felt li!e shit for dropping the ball. ;n the other
hand, the conceit %and it did pro"e to be a conceit) of his &harming 5ab was that
we were a group, that we functioned together. It turned out I was really on my
own$ my "ision was a bust. So the headliners went on, e"eryone was into
it, we wound up getting a decent crowd, but it all went down the tubes
when they as!ed for their money and there was none. I was simply
wearing too many different hats at once$ I was performing,
writing all my own songs, boo!ing shows for me, boo!ing
shows for my friends, running an arts 5ab, acting as
director, coordinator, producer, manager, publicist,
and talent scout at the same time. I learned the
hard way that you can0t do e"erything at once,
and that you ha"e to wor! with responsible
artists or you wind up getting nowhere. he
pinch, of course, is that many artists are
not responsible, and I was in the
position of ha"ing fallen into
something, rather than ha"ing
deliberated and chosen
wisely. I made lousy
choices that set up
a swift obsolescence
for his &harming
5ab, and e"en my
memories of this
period are not
"ery fond. I
deser"ed
better, and I
needed assistance
and guidance that I
did not recei"e. ough
shit. Aelissa, incidentally,
was not there that night, I
can0t remember why. Ce had
started to go through an intense
push8pull phase. I had ne"er been
so thoroughly wante! and it !ind of
frea!ed me out. I felt li!e I was under-
water %she was a &ancer) and it resulted
in a sense of claustrophobia. Ce got in a fight
one night outside the Brape Street Pub in Aanayun!
and I left her crying there, which was a cold mo"e but I
was sha!y and panic!y. At one point, we split for a few wee!s,
and I thought I couldn0t ta!e any more of her cardinal water. 7ut
she was wor!ing in the basement at 7 R. and one day I saw her and was
o"erwhelmed with desire for her. I all but carried her bac! to my place and made
lo"e to her and that was it, we were solid again. Aelissa was supporti"e of his
&harming 5ab e"en though she was smart enough to see it was
floundering. I had signed us up to be part of the =ringe =esti"al, and
we were to do fi"e shows in fi"e days. Aind you, the =ringe wasn0t
paying me, I was paying them, and it was a rip-off deal by which
I ga"e them money so that they would do ads for us and put us
in their festi"al guide boo!. =or one of the shows, I e"en got
7ri to come down with some of her friends from ./&, and
getting 7ri to lea"e .ew /or! was no mean feat. So the
stage was set yet again and something could0"e happened
for us. he truth was that I was getting tired. I was
carrying all these people on my bac! who didn0t
deser"e to be carried and who weren0t gi"ing
anything bac!. Ay initial impression stuc!$
this was the wrong place and the wrong
time for my music, but I perse"ered.
PHII.
Around the time of the =ringe is
when complete exhaustion
began to sin! in. Chat had
I been wor!ing for< o
create a scene, a
positi"e social
nexus for
substantial artists
to participate in. I
felt that I had manifestly
failed, and that the nexus I
had created was neither positi"e
nor substantial. At that point, I simply
did not ha"e the patience to do things the
right way. I thought his &harming 5ab would
be an instant success, and it was not. 6ather than
a group of contributing e(uals, I felt that I had been
elected %and I was self nominated) el presi!ente of a "ery
motley crew. So the =ringe shows, while not a debacle, were
no fun for me. I had arranged for us to do fi"e shows in fi"e days at
the Jpside -own. hat meant that full bands were out. Aetro, my
biggest draw, could not participate. 'ris could only participate in reduced
form. It was natural for me to want to bring 7ri in, because she wor!ed in
a cafO context. Aelissa, bless her heart, signed on to collect tic!ets
at the door. She was a trooper. hus, I felt a stinging sense of my
own treacherousness when 7ri showed up. =or the first time, I
saw 7ri and wanted her intensely. Aaybe it was because I had
been sexuali*ed by fre(uent intercourse# maybe it was because
the grass is always greener, but whate"er the reason I fell
for 7ri then and there. Aelissa was no dummy, she saw
what was happening, but there was little she could do.
7ri and me had a long, intimate con"ersation, sitting
in a club at =ront and &hestnut after the =ringe
shows %which were o"er before e"ening hit.)
7ri emphasi*ed to me how pic!y she was,
how she was on two hands, and I had
ne"er seen her in"ol"ed in a serious
relationship. I am sure I tal!ed to
her about my own %impro"ed)
situation, but I was still dying
for her. '"entually, we made
plans for me to come stay
with her in .ew /or!.
She was li"ing on
&entral Par!
.orth, and
I had some paid
"acation time on the
way from 7 R .. hat,
to my !nowledge, was the
first and only time 7ri e"er
played Philly. She ne"er toured,
and she stuc! to .ew /or! with
incredible tenacity. he =ringe shows,
meanwhile, were inconclusi"e. here were
a few good crowds, and a few empties. Paul
came down to play bass for one of the shows, which
was nice, but in my exhaustion I did not appreciate it.
he mood, not only my mood, but the national mood, was
changing, growing increasingly apocalyptic. .o one in Philly seriously
belie"ed that 7ush could defeat Bore %after eight prosperous years under
a democratic president), yet his numbers !ept inching up in the polls.
here seemed to be a disturbing number of signs that America was
swinging right again. /et, I hit a wall along with other liberals born
into my generation$ what could we do< Chat outlets were
a"ailable to us< Ce were outnumbered by 7aby 7oomers who
controlled media and political outlets, and there was nothing
to unify us as a discrete group. he B;P showed up in Philly
for the 6epublican .ational &on"ention, and no one could
understand why Philly was chosen for this purpose. I
wal!ed by the &on"ention &enter e"ery day they were
in town and was confounded by how +ubilant they
seemed. Cas it because 7ush !new he could +er!
the strings necessary to get himself elected< Cas
there something conspiratorial going on< I felt
as emasculated politically as I did artistically.
Ay frustrated attempts to brea! big were
predicated on my belief in an essentially
American myth$ that you are either
famous or you do not exist. I was
too young to see through this
and too stubborn to be
sensible about it. hese
myths I belie"ed made
me rigid and it was
ine"itable that
e"entually I
would snap li!e
a twig. /et, after the
=ringe, I soldiered on. I
boo!ed D and his band to
do a show soon after, and another
,hyber show, as though the only cure
for o"erwor! was more wor!. hus, I ensured
what might ha"e been a complete collapse, but wasn0t.
PHIII.
Chen election night came, I was wor!ing the closing shift
at 7 R .. Ce were all on edge. At a certain point, a call came
through, and by serendipity I too! the call. It was Alexandra, the
editor of a print +ournal called /&erican 'riting that operated out of
Philly at the time. Alexandra wanted to publish my poem Icarus In .ew
/or! %written on the &olumbia campus days before I left ./& in 011), and
needed to confirm with me that the poem had not been accepted elsewhere. I
told her it had not and that I loo!ed forward to seeing my wor! in her
+ournal. his was a big moment for me, my first ma+or publication,
and I seemed to feel a new world opening up. It was also exactly the
!ind of brea! I wasn%t getting in music. It did go to my head slightly.
7etween Alexandra0s phone call and the election results pouring
in, I felt a little bit cra*ed. Chen we got home, Aelissa and I
tumbled into bed and turned on my little blac! and white H.
It was odd$ hour after hour went by and still the election
was not being called. All the election machinery was
+ammed up. '"entually, well past midnight, we ga"e
up. I wo!e up at about ? a.m. to see what was
going on$ still no decisi"e result. It had
come down to =lorida %Aelissa0s home
state), and no one !new how things
would swing. I had a sin!ing
feeling that, with Deb 7ush
running the show, things
were not going to swing
our way. 7ut the next
day began a liminal
period in which
no one !new
what the hell
was going
on. In the
midst of this
turmoil, I bussed
it up to .ew /or!
to "isit 7ri. I had +ust
seen Almost =amous,
and it had made me nostalgic
for a roc! and roll past that I did
not ha"e. ;h, how I wanted her. 7ri
welcomed me, and I got a !ey to her
apartment, where she was li"ing in a tiny
room, alongside a bratty corporate type named
-egan, and a few others. Ay first day there, I
stopped into St. Aar!s 7oo!s and tripped o"er
ed 7errigan0s Sonnets. he pixilated mood of them
struc! a chord with me, and I began to compose my
own sonnets, of the same type, using 7ri0s name extensi"ely.
Aeanwhile, the election contro"ersy dragged on, although
at a certain point we all !new that it was going to swing
in 7ush0s fa"or. .one of us had any power to influence
or control the situation. he fate of our country was
out of our hands, and that was that. I spent a lot
of time at alt.com, 1
th
and A, writing poetry
and listening to the Small =aces. In fact,
I went to the Hirgin Aegastore and
bought one of their albums. It was
a hidden gem of 7ritish roc!
and it ga"e a particular
fla"or to the whole
trip. As for 7ri,
she was hectic,
and the usual
.ew /or!
whirlwind made
it impossible to get
any serious alone-time
with her. I was also too
shy to be o"ert with her about
my new feelings. And I had a real
relationship going as well. All of which
added up to no action, which was somewhat
disappointing but it was good to be in ./& again.
Bina showed up again out of nowhere, and (ui**ed me
about my sex life. She seemed pee"ed that I was getting laid.
hey dragged me down to the 5i"ing 6oom on Stanton St to
see one of their mediocre friends play. 7eing a bit of a pun!,
I told them straight out what I thought of
the guy, and of all of their friends. Bina especially did
not appreciate this, but she had no real taste and no
real feel for music, and I wasn0t saying this stuff to
be a pissant, I was +ust telling the truth. Anyway
7ri was excited because she had seen 5i" yler
at the Arlene Brocery. hat particular night
ended inconclusi"ely, and when I left ./&
7ri and I agreed that I should come bac!
in -ecember. I had not been unfaithful
to Aelissa, but I was ready to do it,
which is not much better. Aelissa,
as e"er, bra"ely tried to ignore
what was going on, which
was better than I deser"ed
at that time. I was too
young to appreciate
Aelissa0s goodness.
IPPP.
he best time I
e"er had with
Aelissa was
in Blenside,
that fall,
han!sgi"ing.
She had ta!en the
train with me, armed
with a plethora of desserts
%Aelissa was a superb coo!).
=or some reason, both of our
moods per!ed up, despite all the
turbulence we had been going through.
Ce en+oyed sociali*ing with my family and,
when e"eryone had gone to bed, we snuc! into
the bac!yard to smo!e a little weed. here, deep
in suburbia, under the stars, we felt protected and
lo"ed, different than how we felt in Philly. =or me, it
was a moment of complete peace$ I felt my poem coming
out in /' was money in the ban!, and I had recei"ed a few
more poetry acceptances as well. I could lose his &harming 5ab
and still ha"e a future to loo! forward to. Aelissa felt that she had
me for real, and at that moment, she did. Ce went inside giddily and
had incredibly hot sex$ for some reason, this time the pot opened
us up %it was not unusual for us to smo!e) and I emptied myself
completely into her. It was the closest Aelissa and I had e"er
been. his &harming 5ab was in abeyance$ there was a
final ,hyber show boo!ed, but I !new it would be a
disaster, and it was. his was the first and only time
that absolutely no one showed up. he humiliation
was awful and it reinforced my impression that
in the context of Philly in 4333, this +ust wasn0t
worth it. Crong place, wrong time, go home.
7esides, I was ha"ing unprecedented luc!
with poetry, and I was as happy with one
art-form as with the other. I belie"e
that Aetro changed their name
and mo"ed to 5ondon at this
time, ban!ing on ha"ing a
better chance of ma!ing
it there. 'ris would
always soldier on
gamely but it
wouldn0t
ma!e any difference.
7y the time I made it
up to .ew /or! to see
7ri a second time, I had serious
misgi"ings. Ce had (uarreled in
.o"ember and I !new that 7ri had
a !nac! for burning bridges when things
got too hot. I don0t remember what I was
expecting$ whether I still wanted to ha"e
some !ind of affair, or whether me and Aelissa
were solid enough so that it wasn0t an issue. In any
case, I noticed the minute I got there that the atmosphere in
the apartment was charged with negati"e "ibes. It was
-ecember, it was icy cold and the election had been tossed to
7ush. ;ne of the nights I was there, I felt li!e going to bed a
bit early. Eowe"er, I was sleeping in the li"ing room and
7ri and -egan wanted to stay up and watch H. hey
started to ma!e fun of me, and I felt li!e I was in
fifth grade all o"er again. It was petty and stupid.
I thought, to hell with this. I stormed out %and
bac! to Philly) the next morning, after ha"ing
a bitter argument with 7ri. I reali*ed that she
had burned through me li!e she had
burned through so many others. Eowe"er,
7ri and I had plenty of !armic connection
left, though I didn0t !now this at the
time. In any case, at this point I
was happy to ha"e Aelissa to
come home to, though I
probably didn0t deser"e
her. As the .ew /ear
approached, I too!
stoc! of where I
was and where
I wanted to be.
A big re"elation
was coming,
something I hadn0t
foreseen, and that would
put my life on a more e"en
!eel and set me on a steadier
course. In the meantime, Aelissa
and I went through our routines$
mo"ies, pot, food, music, sex. Cor!ing
at 7 R . had not yet become terribly onerous
and there was a certain excitement in -ecember,
when the store was thronged and e"eryone was in
+aunty spirits. Ay next tas!, as I saw it, was to become
more well-informed about poetry. I started to go in deep,
buy the !ind of boo!s a specialist would !now, li!e Pound0s
*antos. Chen I disco"ered ,eats, the world changed rapidly.
PPP.
In fact, the whole 'nglish 6omantic gang +umped into my life
at onceF ,eats, Cordsworth, Shelley, 7yron, &oleridge, 7la!e. It
was li!e I had ne"er really experienced poetry beforeF this was a new !ind of
poem, metered and "ery li!e music, and of course I was enticed because se"eral
of these guys were ob"ious precursors to that modern construct, the roc! star.
So, this became my reading material, and I would carry the
little -o"er hrift editions around and read them in coffee shops. I had
a compelling urge to find out more$ things you couldn0t glean +ust
from reading. here was no immediate answer to this (uandary.
.ew /ears found me in bed with Aelissa. 7y @ a.m., she was
asleep, but my mind was turning o"er (uic!ly and I felt a
sharp sense of restlessness. his was the night I was
"isited by two ghostsF '*ra Pound and Dim Aorrison.
he one ghost represented my future, the other my
past. I felt that I was doubly blessed, and that,
between them, a hand off had been enacted.
&oncurrent with this, it hit me li!e a thunder-
boltF J of PennL hat0s itL hat0s where I
would finish my degreeL hat0s where I
belonged, and where I could mo"e
forwardL I was in bed, fifteen
bloc!s away from an I"y
5eague school that
could change my
life. I didn0t
!now then
how I would
do it, but I !new
I would do it, and
that it would be my
sal"ation. I later found
out that not only did Pound
go to Penn, he grew up in
CyncoteL '"en as my mind did
somersaults, I felt that the stage was
well and truly set. Sure enough, after a
few months of negotiating with J of Penn,
I was in. I didn0t exactly lea"e e"eryone behind,
but my relationships with the his &harming 5ab
group were ne"er (uite the same again. I no longer
wanted to be a leader or a figurehead, and I abruptly
stopped playing out in Philly. .ow, e"erything was about
poetry and literature all the time, and this turned out to be
my manifest destiny. '"en I didn0t reali*e at the time to what
extent this would be true. 7ut I was being called by something that
would ta!e o"er my life and use me for its own purposes, some
!ind of geist. As a new life began, I submitted to its will.