RDI PRIJ & PLBLISHIC LJD.

MLMBAI
*AIJ AI
This booklet is offered free of cost to select readers of Readers Digest.
It cannot be sold by any party, nor displayed in any bookshop, stall or retail
outlet, nor used for any commercial purpose whatsoever.
Published in India by Ashok Mahadevan for RDI Print and Publishing Ltd
from (Regd Office) Orient House, Adi Marzban Path, Mumbai 400 001 and
printed by him at Manipal Press Limited, Manipal.
Prelace
LaugLter tLe best medicine" is a term coined by Reader`s Digest
and we deliver small doses in every issue ol tLe magazine. But we
sometimes need an extra-large booster to get into really great sLape,
and tLis book - a collection ol tLe best jokes lrom all over - is it.
JLis book is guaranteed to keep you in good Lumour lor a long time
to come. But don`t keep its benelits to yoursell - tell tLem to your
lamily, lriends and colleagues. You`ll become tLeir lavourite pLysician.
Laser Typesetting by Aqeel Associates, Mumbai 400 011. Phones : 2309 0621 / 2301 0452
JLree lawyers and tLree engineers were travelling by train to a conlerence.
At tLe station, eacL lawyer bougLt a ticket wLereas tLe engineers bougLt
only one ticket between tLem.
'How are you going to travel on a single ticket` asked a lawyer.
'Wait and watcL,` answered one ol tLe engineers.
WLen tLey boarded tLe train, tLe lawyers took tLeir seats, but tLe tLre e
engineers crammed into a toilet and closed tLe door beLind tLem. SLortly
alter tLe train started, tLe ticket collector arrived. He knocked on tLe toilet
door and asked, 'Jicket please.` JLe door opened just a crack and a single
arm emerged witL a ticket in Land. JLe ticket collector took it and moved
on. Seeing tLis, tLe lawyers decided to tLe same tLing on tLe return trip.
So wLen tLey got to tLe station, tLey bougLt only one ticket. Jo tLeir
astonisLment, tLe engineers didn`t buy any. 'How are you going to travel
witLout a ticket` asked one ol tLe perplexed lawyers.
'Wait and watcL,` answered an engineer.
In tLe train, tLe tLree engineers crammed into a toilet and tLe tLree lawyers
into anotLer nearby. Soon alter tLe train started, one ol tLe engineers got out
ol tLe toilet and walked to one wLere tLe lawyers were Liding.
He knocked on tLe door and said, 'Jicket, please.`
AB
Maid: WLat do you want, sir
Visitor: I want to see your master.
Maid: WLat`s your business, please
Visitor: JLere is a bill...
Maid: AL! He lelt yesterday lor Lis village...
Visitor: WLicL I Lave to pay Lim...
Maid: And Le returned tLis morning.

Men wLo treat women as Lelpless and cLarming playtLings deserve women
wLo treat men as deligLtlul and generous bank accounts.

Aloreign tourist Lired a guide to take Lim around DelLi and Agra. At tLe
Red Iort at DelLi, Le admired tLe arcLitecture and asked Low many years it
took to build.
Jwenty years," replied tLe guide.
'You Indians are a lazy lot," tLe tourist said. In my country, tLis could Lave
been built in live.`
At Agra Le admired tLe Jaj`s beauty and asked Low many years it took to
build.
'Cnly ten years,` said tLe guide.
JLe tourist retorted: 'You Indians are slow! We can construct sucL buildings
in two-and-a-Lall.`
In tLis lasLion tLe tourist claimed tLat every building Le admired could Lave
been built in Lis country in quarter tLe time. Iinally, wLen tLey reacLed tLe
Qutab Minar, and tLe tourist asked wLat it was, tLe guide replied: 'I don`t
know. It wasn`t tLere yesterday evening."

CverLeard at tLe veterinarian`s: 'I Lad my cat neutered. He`s still out all
nigLt witL tLe otLer cats, but now Le`s a consultant.`
AAA
5 6
WLen an ellicient secretary asked Ler boss lor a raise in Ler salary, Le
turned Ler down, saying: 'Your salary is already LigLer tLan tLat ol tLe
secretary at tLe next desk. And sLe Las live cLildren.`
'Excuse me,` tLe ellicient woman replied, 'I tLougLt we got paid lor wLat we
produce Lere-not lor wLat we produce at Lome in our own time.`

Asmall larm boy was milking Lis cow wLen all ol a sudden a bull came
cLarging towards Lim. As Lorrilied workers nearby watcLed, tLe boy calmly
continued Lis milking.
Jo everyone`s astonisLment, tLe bull stopped a lew incLes lrom tLe boy,
turned around and walked away . 'Weren`t you alraid` one ol tLe workers
asked tLe boy.
'ot at all,` tLe boy replied , 'I knew tLis cow was Lis motLer-in-law.`

Apatient complains to a lamous psycLologist: 'Prolessor, I`ve been Laving

terrible obsessions lor years, and no one Las ever been able to Lelp me.`
'WLo`s been treating you until now`
'Dr Lal RatLor.'
'I see. He`s an idiot. I`m curious to know wLat Le advised you to do.`
'Jo come and see you.`
AB
CverLeard: I can say one good tLing about airline lood: at least tLey`re
considerate enougL to give you only small portions.

Jwo terrorists were driving to tLe location wLere tLey intended to plant a
bomb, wLicL one ol tLem Lad in Lis lap.
'Drive a little laster, tLe bomb may go oll any minute,` said tLe man carrying
tLe explosive.
'Don`t worry,` tLe driver assured Lim, 'we Lave got a spare one in tLe boot.`

Boy to motLer: I`ve decided to stop studying.`

'How come` asked tLe motLer.
'I Leard tLat tLat someone was sLot dead, because Le knew too mucL.`

Ior tLeir lirst anniversary, a man bougLt Lis young wile a cell pLone. SLe
was tLrilled and listened eagerly as Le explained all its leatures. JLe next
day sLe was out sLopping wLen tLe pLone rang.
'Hey, darling,` Le Lusband said. 'How do you like your new pLone`
'CL, I just love it!` sLe gusLed. 'It`s so cute and small-and your voice sounds
so clear. But tLere`s just one tLing I don`t understand.`
'WLat`s tLat`
'How did you know I was at tLe sari sLop`
AB
Husband and wile were in tLe midst ol a violent quarrel, and Lubby was
losing Lis temper. 'Be carelul,` Le said to Lis wile. 'You`ll bring out tLe beast
in me.`
'So wLat` Lis wile sLot back. 'WLo`s alraid ol a mouse`

/ 8
Aman was driving well above tLe speed limit wLen a police car suddenly
emerged lrom beLind, sirens blaring. JLinking Le`d outpace tLe cop, tLe
man pusLed Lis accelerator to tLe lloor. His car`s speed rose to sixty, tLen
seventy, eigLty, and ninety. Iinally, tLe man tLougLt, wLat tLe Leck, and
pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
JLe police ollicer got out, leaned over tLe man and said: 'Listen, Mister, I
Lave Lad a really lousy day, and I just want to go Lome. Cive me a good
excuse and I`ll let you go.`
JLe man tLougLt lor a moment and said: 'JLree weeks ago my wile ran oll
witL a police ollicer. WLen I saw your car in my mirror, I tLougLt you were
tLat ollicer and were trying to give Ler back to me.`
o ticket.
AAA
Late one nigLt, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into tLe patL ol a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in Lis ribs. 'Cive me your money,` Le
demanded.
Indignant, tLe allluent man replied, 'You can`t do tLis-I`m a politician!`
'In tLat case,` replied tLe robber, 'give me my money!`
AB
An American visiting England walked into a Lotel lobby. 'JLe lilt will be
down presently,` tLe receptionist told Lim.
'JLe lilt` said tLe American. 'CL, you mean tLe elevator.`
'o, I mean tLe lilt.` replied tLe EnglisLman.
'I tLink I sLould know wLat it is called,` said tLe American. 'Elevators were
invented in tLe States.`
'PerLaps,` retorted tLe EnglisLman. 'But we invented tLe language.'

'I`m very sorry to learn tLat your wile ran away witL your driver,` said tLe
lriend to tLe old man.
'CL, don`t worry, I can drive.`
AAA
Ajudge looked severely at tLe delendant and asked, 'How many times
Lave you been imprisoned`
'ine, you Honour.`
'ine In tLis case, I will give you tLe maximum sentence.`
'Maximum sentence` said tLe delendant. 'Don`t you give your regular clients
a discount`
AAA
Cne man to anotLer. 'I want to marry a smart woman, a good woman, a
woman wLo`ll make me Lappy.`
'Make up your mind.`

JLe doctor Lad just linisLed giving tLe young man a tLorougL pLysical
examination.
'JLe best tLing lor you to do,` tLe doctor said, 'is give up drinking and
smoking, get to bed early and stay away lrom women.`
'Doctor, I don`t deserve tLe best,` said tLe patient. 'WLat`s next best`
AB
9 10
`An c/d man gt.cs gccd ad.tcc tn crdcr tc ccnsc/c btmsc// /cr nc /cngcr bctng ab/c tc sct a bad
cxamp/c. - Lc Fccbc/cucau/d
AratLer inebriated lellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny
pieces and tLrowing tLem out tLe window.
'Excuse me,` said tLe woman sitting next to Lim. 'But, would you mind
explaining wLy you`re doing tLis`
'It scares away tLe elepLants,` replied tLe drunk.
'But I don`t see any elepLants around Lere,` said tLe woman.
'Ellective, isn`t it` crowed tLe drunk.

JLe editor ol a small weekly newspaper, annoyed at legislation tLat Lad

recently been passed, ran a scatLing editorial under tLe Leadline: HALI CI
CLR LECISLAJCRS ARE CRCCKS. Many prominent local politicians were
outraged, and tremendous pressure was exerted on Lim to retract tLe statement.
He linally succumbed to tLe pressure and ran an apology witL tLe Leadline:
HALI CI CLR LECISLAJCRS ARE CJ CRCCKS.

Alter tLey Lad brougLt tLeir lirst baby Lome lrom Lospital, a young wile
suggested to Ler Lusband tLat Le try Lis Land at cLanging diapers, 'I`m busy,`
Le said. 'I`ll do tLe next one.`
JLe next time tLe baby was wet, sLe asked il Le was now ready to learn Low
to cLange diapers. He looked puzzled. 'CL,` Le replied linally. 'I didn`t mean
tLe next diaper. I meant tLe next baby!`

Staying at a small-town Lotel, Jom ordered tea. SLortly alterwards, a girl

tLrew open tLe door. 'Sugar in your tea` sLe sLouted.
'o, tLank you,` Jom replied.
'AL, well, don`t stir it tLen.`
JLe Duke ol Cloucester, speaking at a luncLeon in London: 'A Lome accidents
survey wLicL sLowed tLat ninety percent ol accidents on staircases involved
eitLer tLe top or tLe bottom step, was led into a computer. Asked Low
accidents could be reduced, tLe computer answered: Remove tLe top and
bottom steps.`"

Asmall Indian boy appeared in tLe class ol a London scLoolteacLer lor tLe
lirst time and sLe asked Lim Lis name. 'Venkataratnam arasimLa RattaiaL,`
Le said. WLen sLe asked, 'How do you spell it` Le replied, 'My motLer Lelps
me.`
AAA
Ayoung soldier wLo was on a twenty lour-Lour pass went to a dance in
town and tLere met an attractive young woman. As tLey danced, Le kept
making passes at Ler but witLout mucL result. Iinally, Le said, 'Look
sweetLeart, I really go lor you in a big way. But I don`t Lave mucL time. I
Lave to be back in tLe morning. I`d sure like to speed like to speed tLings up
between us.`
'But I am dancing as last as I can,` sLe protested wide-eyed.

Aman wLo Lad just died, arrived at Leaven`s gate. Belore allowing Lim
entry, St. Peter asked Lim il Le`d ever loved a woman.
'o,` tLe man replied, 'ot a single one.`
'Did you Lave a lriend you cared lor`
'o.`
'PerLaps you loved a pet Did you not leel a love lor nature`
'o.`
'WLat took you so long to get Lere` asked a surprised St. Peter. 'You`ve been
dead lor ages.`
11 12
Little Ernie was Laving a problem witL Lis Lomework.
'Dad,` Le asked, 'WLat is tLe dillerence between anger" and exasperation"`
'Well, son,` said Lis latLer, 'I`ll give you a practical demonstration.`
His latLer picked up tLe pLone and dialled a number.
'Hello,` said a voice at tLe otLer end.
'Hello,` said Ernie`s latLer. 'Is Melvin tLere`
'JLere is no one called Melvin Lere!` tLe voice replied. 'WLy don`t you look
up numbers belore you dial tLem`
'You see` said Ernie`s latLer. 'JLat man was not at all Lappy witL our call.
But watcL tLis!`
He tLen dialled tLe number again, and says, 'Hello, is Melvin tLere`
'ow look Lere!` tLe voice said angrily. 'I told you tLere is no Melvin Lere!
You Lave got a lot ol nerve calling again!`
'Did you Lear tLat` Ernie`s latLer asked. 'JLat was anger". ow, I will sLow
you wLat exasperation" is!`
He dialled once again. And on Learing tLe voice at tLe otLer end, Ernie`s
latLer said: 'Hello! JLis is Melvin. Have tLere been any calls lor me`

Apoor man sat begging outside a temple. 'In tLe name ol BLagwan give
tLis Lungry man some money to lill Lis belly," Le cried. BLagwan will bless
you.` But tLe devotees gave Lim very little. In disgust tLe beggar lelt tLe
temple and sat outside a country liquor sLop. 'A lew paise in tLe name ol
BLagwan,` Le wLined. As customers came out ol tLe sLop in LigL spirits,
many dropped rupee notes in Lis bowl. JLanking Cod, tLe beggar said: 'Hey
BLagwan, truly inscrutable are tLy ways! You give one address but live in
anotLer.`

Husband to wile as tLey emerge lrom a long session witL a marriage guidance
counsellor: 'Darling, I love you.`
'JLere you go again,` snapped Lis wile. 'I...I...I...again.`

Annoyed wile to Lusband: 'Can`t you say we`ve been married twenty-lour
years instead ol almost a quarter ol a century"`
AB
JLe sign on tLe door ol a lawyer`s cLamber reads: 'WLere tLere is a will,
tLere is a way, wLere tLere is a way, tLere is law, wLere tLere is law, tLere
is a rule, wLere tLere is a rule, tLere is a loopLole, wLere tLere is a loopLole,
tLere is a lawyer, and so Lere I am.`

WLen Paul was working as a salesman at a supermarket, Le noticed tLat
belore cLoosing a melon, sLoppers would Lold tLe lruit upto tLeir ears and
knock on it. He never knew wLat tLey expected to Lear. Cne day Le asked
a sLopper. 'Son,` tLe man replied, 'I`ve been doing tLis lor lorty years. All I
know is tLat il you just pick up a melon and put it your bag, everybody looks
at you as il you`re crazy.`

Little ]oLnny was practising tLe violin in tLe living room, wLile Lis latLer
was trying to read. JLe lamily dog was at tLere too, and, on Learing tLe
screecLing sounds, began to Lowl. ]oLnny`s latLer listened to tLe dog and
tLe violin lor as long as Le could. JLen Le jumped up, slammed Lis newspaper
on tLe lloor and yelled, 'Ior Cod`s sake, can`t you play sometLing tLe dog
doesn`t know`
13 1+
An eager young man entered Lis prospective boss`s cabin lor an interview,
Said tLe boss 'Cne tLing our company is very particular about is cleanliness.
I Lope you wiped your sLoes on tLe doormat wLile coming in`
Yes, sir,` tLe young man replied promptly.
Back came tLe rejoinder, 'Cne more tLing we`re very particular about is
Lonesty. JLere is no doormat outside!`

Sonu was saying Ler bedtime prayers: 'Please Cod, make aples tLe capital
ol Italy. Make aples tLe capital ol Italy,`.....
'WLy do you want Cod to make aples tLe capital ol Italy` Sonu`s motLer
asked.
And Sonu replied: 'Because, tLat is wLat I put in my CeograpLy exam!`

Atraveller walking along a road asked an old man working in a lield to

Low long it would take to get to tLe next village. But tLe old man didn`t
answer, so tLe traveller kept walking.
He Ladn`t gone lar wLen Le Leard a call: Hi, mister, it`ll take you about 20
minutes".
WLy didn`t you tell me tLat wLen I asked you" asked tLe traveller.
How did I know Low last you were going to walk" replied tLe old man.

AteacLer Lad just moved Louse witL all Ler possessions including box
alter box ol books.
As tLe van driver put down tLe last box in Ler second-lloor llat, Le grumbled,
Ior Heaven`s sake, lady, wLy didn`t you read tLem belore you came"

Customer: WLy are tLe signs in your window so lull ol spelling and
grammatical mistakes"
Storekeeper: So tLat people will tLink I`m a lool and come in expecting to
get tLe best ol me. Since I put up tLose signs, business Las boomed."
AAA
Doctor: SLall I gave your wile a local anaestLetic"
Businessman: Certainly not. I can allord sometLing imported..".

Adoctor was called in to see a ratLer testy aristocrat.

Well, sir, wLat`s tLe matter" Le asked cLeerily.
JLat, sir," growled tLe patient, is lor you to lind out."
I see, said tLe doctor tLougLt-lully. Well, il you`ll excuse me lor an Lour or
so I`ll go along and letcL a lriend ol mine - a veterinarian. He is tLe only cLap
I know wLo can make a diagnosis witLout asking questions."

WLat made you marry Daddy, Mummy"

So you`re beginning to wonder, too!"
15 16
`Lc.c, /rtcndsbtp, and rcspcct dc nct unttc a pccp/c as mucb as a ccmmcn batrcd c/ scmctbtng.'
- Antcn Cbckc.
Tbc ucr/d ts a ccmcdy tc tbcsc ubc tbtnk, a tragcdy tc tbcsc ubc /cc/.
- Hcracc Wa/pc/c
1/ 18
My latLer wants me to Lave everytLing Le did not Lave wLen Le was a
boy".
WLat didn`t Le Lave"
All 'A`s on Lis report card".

MotLer: I sent my little boy lor one kilo ol plums and you only sent 800
grams.
Crocer: My scales are all rigLt, madam. Have you weigLed your little boy"

WLy do tLey call tLe language we speak our motLer-tongue" asked tLe
son.
Because latLers so seldom gets a cLance to use it," replied Lis dad.

JLe motLer ol many cLildren lined up Ler lamily.

JLe one wLo obeys me immediately and does exactly as Le`s told witLout
arguing will get a rupee at tLe end ol tLe week."
It`s not lair," said tLe youngest kid, bursting into tears. Daddy`ll win easily."
AAA
How`s your Lusband," Mrs. MatLur asked Ler lriend.
Pretty well, I tLink - Le works so Lard I see Lim lor only about an Lour eacL
day,"
You poor tLing," said Mrs. MatLur.
CL, It`s all rigLt, tLe Lour soon passes."
Manager - Irom your relerences I see you`ve Lad lour jobs in tLe last
montL."
Applicant - Yes, sir, but doesn`t tLat sLows Low mucL in demand I am"
AAA
Asalesman was dismissed because Le was rude to a customer. A montL
later tLe sales manager spotted Lim walking about in a police unilorm.
I see you`ve joined tLe lorce, BLatnagar," said tLe sales manager.
Yes, Sir. JLis is tLe job I`ve been looking lor all my lile. Here tLe customer
is always wrong."
AB
Anot-too-brigLt candidate lor tLe police lorce lailed in tLe written
examination. Since Le was tLe CLiel`s nepLew, tLe examiner decided to go
easy on Lim witL tLe oral test.
WLo sLot AbraLam Lincoln", asked tLe examiner.
JLe candidate pondered lor a moment and tLen asked il Le could Lave
sometime to come up witL tLe answer. JLe examiner told Lim to come back
tLe next morning.
WLen tLe would-be recruit went Lome, Lis wile asked, Well, Low did it go
Did you get tLe job".
I tLink so," Le replied. JLey Lave already got me working on a case".

Wbcn I c.cntua//y mct /r Ftgbt, I bad nc tdca bts /trst namc uas A/uays.
- Ftta Fudncr
In pc/tttcs, t/ ycu uant anytbtng satd, ask a man, t/ ycu uant anytbtng dcnc, ask a ucman.
- /argarct Tbatcbcr
19 20
]udge: JLe last time I saw you, I told you tLat I didn`t want to see you Lere
again".
Accused: JLat is wLat I tried to tell tLese policemen, your Honour, but tLey
would not believe me."

WLat is your age" asked tLe ]udge. Remember you are under oatL".
Jwenty-one years and some montLs," tLe woman answered.
How many montLs" tLe ]udge persisted.
Cne Lundred and eigLt."

Hey," tLe tourist said to tLe mountaineer, Your son just tLrew a rock at
me as I passed by."
Did it Lit you"
o."
JLen it wasn`t my son."

Boss : You sLould Lave been Lere at 8 C`clock."

Steno : WLy, wLat Lappened"
AB
JLe employee stormed angrily into tLe casLier`s ollice. WLat`s tLe meaning
ol tLis I just counted my pay and it`s a dollar sLort!"
JLe casLier examined tLe envelope, tLen cLecked Lis records. Last week
we paid you a dollar more. You didn`t complain tLen, did you"
Look" said tLe employee. An occasional mistake I can overlook - but two
in a row is too mucL!"

Jwo employers were talking. Said one: I lear tLat young man I employed
last week as a casLier is disLonest."
CL," replied tLe otLer, you sLouldn`t judge by appearances."
I`m not. I`m judging by disappearances!"
AAA
JLe lamous lilm actor was being analyzed.
Jell me," asked tLe psycLoanalyst, Do you ever cLeat on your wile"
WLo else"

Tbat's tbc trcub/c uttb bctng grcctcd Ha.c a ntcc day!' tt puts a// tbc prcssurc cn ycu.
- Gccrgc Car/tn
Wcman bcgtns by rcststtng a man's ad.anccs, and cnds by b/ccktng bts rctrcat.
- Oscar Wt/dc
Ycu can a/uays tc// ubcn a man ts uc// tn/crmcd. Hts .tcus arc prctty mucb /tkc ycur cun.
- Lcuts /crrts
Lt/c ts cnc /cng prcccss c/ gctttng ttrcd. - Samuc/ But/cr
Tbc /c.c tbat /asts /cngcst ts tbc /c.c ubtcb ts nc.cr rcturncd. - Scmcrsct /augbam
21 22
A large notice in a sLop window announced a big sale, witL sweeping
reductions, starting at 9 a.m. An enormous queue Lad started to lorm by /-30
a.m.
]ust belore tLe sLop was due to open, an inconspicuous little man walked to
tLe Lead ol tLe queue. Angry women elbowed and pusLed Lim until Le was
rigLt at tLe back ol tLe line. Lndaunted, tLe little man went to tLe Lead ol tLe
queue again.
Cnce more, Le was sLoved unceremoniously to tLe back, tLis time witL a
lew smacks on tLe lace and a couple ol tLumps lrom umbrellas wielded by
angry women.
JLe little man walked to one side ol tLe queue and said: Il tLat`s your
attitude, I won`t open tLe sLop at all today!"

CLemistry JeacLer: Can you give me tLe lormula lor water"

Student: H-I-]-K-L-M--C-."
CLemistry JeacLer: WLere did you get an idea like tLat"
Student: You told us tLe otLer day it was H to C."

JeacLer : You missed scLool yesterday, didn`t you"

Pupil: ot a bit."
AB
JeacLer: WLo were tLe lirst Luman beings"
Pupil: Adam and Eve."
JeacLer: And wLat nationality were tLey"
Pupil: Indian, ol course."
JeacLer: And Low Lo you know tLey were Indian"
Pupil: Easy. JLey Lad no rool over tLeir Leads, no clotLes to wear and only
one apple between tLem - and tLey called it Paradise."

IatLer: Would you still love my daugLter even il sLe were poor"
Suitor: Cl course."
IatLer: You`re no good. We don`t want lools in our lamily."
AB
He: JLere are an awlul lot ol girls wLo don`t want to get married."
SLe: How do you know"
He: I`ve asked tLem."

He: I wonder wLy women pay more attention to beauty tLan to brains."
SLe: Because no matter Low stupid a man is, Le is seldom blind."

Tbc rcascnab/c man adapts btmsc// tc tbc ucr/d, tbc unrcascnab/c pcrststs tn trytng tc adapt tbc
ucr/d tc btmsc//. Tbcrc/crc, a// prcgrcss dcpcnds cn tbc unrcascnab/c man.'
- Gccrgc Bcrnard Sbau
Wbcn a man /augbs at bts trcub/cs bc /cscs a grcat many /rtcnds, tbcy nc.cr /crgt.c tbc /css c/
tbctr prcrcgatt.c. - H L /cnckcn
23 2+
I once knew tLe twenty-year-old daugLter ol a Hollywood lilm actress wLo
kept getting depressed because sLe didn`t look as young as Ler motLer.

JLe aging actor was trying to cLat up tLe gorgeous young girl.
'Don`t you recognize me` Le asked. SLe sLook Ler Lead.
'I`m quite well known in tLe movies,` Le continued.
'CL!` sLe said, Ler eyes ligLting up. 'WLere do you usually sit`
AAA
JLe main dillerence between men and boys is tLat men`s toys cost more
money.

Pretty young girl: 'Il I go up to your room do you promise to be good`

Young man: 'WLy - I promise to be IAJASJIC!`

Jwo astrologers met eacL otLer in tLe street on a particularly cold and bitter
day.
'Jerrible winter we`re Laving,` muttered one.
'Yes,` replied tLe otLer. 'It reminds me ol tLe winter ol 205/.`

Atea manulacturer wanted a new advertising gimmick, so tLe senior creative
man at tLe advertising agency decided to go to Rome to see il Le could
persuade tLe Pope to make a JV commercial.
'We`ll give you one Lundred tLousand pounds lor a ten second commercial,"
tLe ad man told tLe pontill. All you Lave say is: Cive us tLis day our daily
tea".`
'I`m sorry,` replied tLe Pope, 'but I can`t do tLat.`
'Iive Lundred tLousand,` ollered tLe adman.
'I`m alraid not,` said tLe Pope, solemnly.
'All rigLt. Cne million pounds. And tLat`s our very last oller.`
But still tLe Pope relused. Cn Lis way back, disappointed adman turned to
Lis secretary and said: 'It`s odd tLat tLe Pope relused to do a commercial lor
tea. I wonder Low mucL tLe bread people are giving Lim.`

JLe proud motLer was sLowing oll Ler new baby to Ler lriend. 'Doesn`t Le
look just like Lis latLer` asked tLe motLer.
'Yes,` replied tLe lriend. 'But I sLouldn`t worry too mucL - Le`ll probably
cLange lor tLe better as Le gets older.`

Il an artist becomes angry does Le lose Lis temperas

AB
Wcmcn uant mcdtccrc mcn, and mcn arc ucrktng bard tc bc as mcdtccrc as pcsstb/c.
- /argarct /cad
Lct nc cnc suppcsc tbc ucrds dcctcr and pattcnt can dtsgutsc /rcm tbc parttcs tbc /act tbcy arc
cmp/cycr and cmp/cycc. - Gccrgc Bcrnard Sbau
Htstcry tcacbcs us tbat mcn and nattcns /t.c utsc/y cncc tbcy ba.c cxbaustcd a// ctbcr a/tcrnatt.cs.
- Abba Eban
25 26
JLe elderly aunt bent down and asked Ler tLree-year-old nepLew: 'Can
you tell me tLe name ol your new baby sister`
JLe little boy sLook Lis Lead sadly and replied: 'I don`t know wLat it is. I
keep asking Ler but I can`t understand a word sLe says.`

My wile`s best lriend Las just celebrated tLe twentietL anniversary ol Ler
twenty-nintL birtLday.

Customer: 'I`d like to buy a novel, please.`

BooksLop assistant: 'Certainly, madam. Do you Lave tLe title or name ol tLe
autLor`
Customer: 'ot really. I was Loping you could suggest sometLing suitable.`
BooksLop assistant: 'o problem. Do you like ligLt or Leavy reading`
Customer: 'It doesn`t matter. I`ve lelt tLe car just outside tLe sLop.`

Cllice worker: Sir`

Boss: 'Yes WLat is it now`
Cllice worker: 'Please can I Lave a day oll next week to do some late
CLristmas sLopping witL my wile and our six kids`
Boss: 'Certainly not!`
Cllice worker: 'I knew you`d be understanding, sir. JLanks lor getting me
out ol tLat terrible cLore.`
AAA
At tLe company board meeting tLe cLairman rose to make Lis speecL.
'WLo`s been carrying on witL my secretary` Le demanded.
JLis was met witL silence. 'All rigLt, tLen,` said tLe cLairman, 'put it tLis way
- wLo Las nct been carrying on witL my secretary`
Again tLere was silence, and tLen one man said, sell-consciously: 'Me, sir.`
'RigLt,` said tLe CLairman. `Ycu sack Ler.`
AB
Cne day Claude came Lome lrom work to lind Lis wile painting one side
ol tLe car blue. SLe`d divided tLe car neatly in Lall and Lad already painted
tLe otLer side brigLt yellow.
'WLat on eartL are you doing` asked Claude.
'Simple!` sLe replied. 'You know I`ve Lad so many accidents and I always get
caugLt due to tLe statements ol tLe witnesses in court. Ncu, il I Lave an
accident, you watcL tLem ligLt it out trying to decide wLat colour car caused
tLe accident!`

MotLer: 'WLy are you crying`
Sally: 'Because I lell and Lurt mysell.`
MotLer: 'WLen did tLat Lappen`
Sally: 'About twenty minutes ago.`
MotLer: 'But you`ve only just started crying.`
Sally: 'I know. Earlier, I tLougLt you`d gone out.`
AAA
JLat`s a nice suit you`re wearing - wLo went lor tLe litting`

] udge: 'How do you plead Cuilty or not guilty`

Prisoner: 'How do I know, your Lonour I Laven`t Leard tLe evidence yet.`
AB
Bacteria: tLe back entrance to a caleteria.

Buoyant: male equivalent ol gallant.

AB
Dogma: tLe motLer ol puppies.

Lltimate: tLe last person to marry.

Vice versa: dirty poems.

Doctor: 'urse! Did you take tLis patient`s temperature`

urse: 'WLy, doctor Is it missing`
AAA
JeacLer: 'EverytLing you do is wrong. How can you expect to get a job
wLen you leave scLool`
Pupil: 'Well, sir! I`m going to be a JV weatLerman.

Pretty young nurse: 'Doctor, every time I take tLis young man`s pulse it gets
laster. SLould I give Lim a sedative`
Doctor: 'o. ]ust give Lim a blindlold.`

Patient: 'Doctor, do you tLink tLat I will live until I`m a Lundred`
Doctor: 'Do you smoke or drink`
Patient: 'o.`
Doctor: 'Do you drive last cars, gamble, or play around witL women`
Patient: 'Certainly not!`
Doctor: 'JLen wLat do you want to live to a Lundred lor`

Doctor`s wile: 'WLy are you looking so worried, dear`

Doctor: 'I tLink I`ve at last cured tLat SmitL lellow.`
Doctor`s wile: 'So wLy are you so worried`
Doctor: 'I`ve given Lim so many pills and potions I can`t work out wLicL one
worked.`

2/ 28
29 30
Estate agent to young Louse-Lunting couple: 'Iirst you tell me wLat you
can allord. JLen we`ll Lave a good laugL about it and go on lrom tLere.`
AB
Is a drunken gLost a metLylated spirit

Mr Bloggs: 'Darling, I don`t know wLat you put in tLis soup, but it tastes
like disLwater.`
Mrs Bloggs: 'How do you know`

'Mummy, Mummy! WLere are you` cried tLe little boy on tLe promenade.
'You poor little boy,` said an elderly lady. 'Come witL me and I`ll get you an
ice cream and tLen we`ll go and look lor your mummy.`
'I know wLere your mummy is,` said a small girl.
'SLusL!` wLispered tLe little boy. 'I know wLere sLe is, too, but I`ve managed
to get two lree ice creams tLis morning, and I want a tLird!`
AAA
JLe lrantic-looking lady came rusLing out ol Ler Louse into tLe street and
cried: 'Help! Help! My young son Las swallowed a coin and is cLoking. I
don`t know wLat to do!`
Everyone looked tLe otLer way, except lor a middle-aged gentleman wLo
rusLed into tLe lady`s Louse, lound Ler young son, turned Lim upside down
and sLook Lim until tLe coin lell out ol Lis moutL.
'CL, tLank you!` cried tLe lady. 'Are you a doctor`
'o madam,` replied tLe middle-aged man. 'I`m lrom tLe Income Jax
Department.`
Insurance salesman: 'Surely your Lusband needs more lile insurance I mean,
il your Lusband suddenly dropped dead, wLat would you do`
Mrs SmitL: 'I`d probably get a pet dog instead.`
AAA
JLe young man walked into tLe pet sLop and asked il Le could buy 38/
beetles, 18 rats and live mice.
'I`m sorry, sir, but we can only supply tLe mice. But wLat did you want all
tLe otLer creatures lor` asked tLe pet sLop manager.
'I was tLrown out ol my llat tLis morning,` replied tLe young man. 'And my
landlord says I must leave tLe place exactly as I lound it.`
AB
Ired at last could see a way ol making a lortune. He Lad trained Lis parrot,
alter montL ol Lard work, to tell jokes.
At last Le lelt ready to casL in on all Lis Lard work, and took tLe parrot down
to Lis pub.
'JLis is my incredible joke-telling parrot,` boasted Ired.
'Co on ,` jeered tLe pub regulars. 'We`ll give you ten to one tLat your parrot
can`t tell us a joke.`
'All rigLt,` replied Ired. 'I accept your bet.`
But try as Le could, Ired was unable to make tLe parrot talk - let alone tell
jokes.
Cn tLe way Lome Ired sLook tLe bird and sLouted: 'WLat do you mean by
keeping quiet You made me lose a ten to one bet!`
'Don`t worry!` squawked tLe parrot. 'Jomorrow you`ll be able to get lilty to
one.`

31 32
Hilary: 'You`re tLe lirst man I`ve ever said yes" to. In lact, I`ve said no" to
lots and lots ol men.`
Herbert: 'WLat were tLey selling`

JLe police car, its siren blaring, raced in lront ol a speeding car and lorced
it to stop.
A Leavily built policeman got out and walked over.
'You name, please` asked tLe policeman, taking out Lis notebook and pen.
'Certainly, ollicer,` replied tLe driver. 'It`s Horatio Xerxes Laertes Idomeneus
Aeneas Asclepius IpLicles Menoeceus Memnon PLiloctetes Jyndareus Hylas.`
JLe policeman tLougLt lor a moment, tLen looked at Lis notebook, sLook
Lis Lead and said: 'I`ll just give you a warning tLis time - don`t break tLe
speed limit again.`
AAA
Alilelong Socialist was dying wLen Le suddenly decided to join tLe Jory
party.
'But wLy` asked Lis puzzled lriends. 'You've been a stauncL Socialist all your
lile.`
'Well, Le replied, 'I`d ratLer it was a Jory tLat died tLan a Socialist.`

Il a plug would not lit, would you socket

Customer: 'Waiter! How mucL longer do you expect me to Lave to wait lor
my poacLed salmon`
Waiter: 'I`m sorry, sir, but we are trying to Lurry it up lor you.`
Customer: 'JLen can you assure me tLat you`re using tLe rigLt bait`

'Cet up,` sLouted Albert`s motLer. 'You`ll be late lor scLool.`

'But I don't want to go,` protested Albert. 'All tLe kids are Lorrible, tLe teacLers
are terrible, and it`s all extremely boring. I want to stay Lome.`
'But,` replied Albert`s motLer, 'you`re lorty-tLree and tLe Leadmaster ol tLe
scLool.`
AAA
JeacLer: 'Mavis, can you tell me wLicL montL is tLe sLortest`
Mavis: 'It`s May, miss.`
JeacLer: 'o, it isn`t. JLe sLortest montL is Iebruary.`
Mavis: 'But, miss, Iebruary Las eigLt letters in it wLile May only Las tLree!`

Ycu can gct a /ct mcrc dcnc uttb a ktnd ucrd and gun, tban ycu can uttb a ktnd ucrd a/cnc.
- A/ Capcnc
Wca/tb ts /tkc sca uatcr, tbc mcrc uc drtnk, tbc tbtrsttcr uc bcccmc, tbc samc ts truc c/ /amc.
- Scbcpcnbaucr