VOLUME XLV ISSUE 6

ENTERTAINMENT

You Should Probably Read This... Homecoming

By George Ahlering 15
Staff Writer
Its that time of year again!
Oh, yes; school is back in
session, the leaves are
changing, and there are a few
unlucky Priory guys without
dates to Homecoming. Now I
realize that 76% of Priory
students are total lady-killers
and can woo any lady friend in
the blink of an eye, but if
youre part of the other 24% ,
like myself, then continue
reading. (Even if you think
youre good with the lady
friends, chances are you arent
and should continue reading).
Ive been in this predicament
for 3 years and counting, so Im
pretty much a pro. Basically, it
all boils down to 5 simple
options:
Bail. Dont even make an
effort to go to Homecoming. In

fact, make an effort to not make

any effort. Just convince your
friends that you would rather
hang out with the lucky lady
friend all by yourself and enjoy
a nice seafood dinner, instead of
her being swarmed by a crowd
of sweaty dudes (even though
this lady friend obviously does
not exist). After this works,
kick back and get a soothing
mani/pedi and watch some
Netflix in comfy PJs with mac
n cheese or whatever
particular way you enjoy
spending your free time.
The Blind Date. Approach
anyone in your grade that is
known for being good with
people of the opposite sex and
play it to them straight. Tell
them that you need their help
getting a date. Now, granted
you get said date, it will be
awesome until the actual dance
comes around, at which point it

will be really awkward and

youll probably want to cry.
The Kidnapping. This is
definitely not recommended, as
you could be arrested.
However, if you are so daring,
just get a couple of guys
together and go to Viz or Villa,
take the most attractive young
lady with you, and tell her she
has to go with you. Dont even
bother asking her, because
thats just way too risky. Tell
her.
Craigslist/Angies List.
Youre desperate. The fact that
youre even reading this option
is most likely embarrassing.
However, if need be, dont be
too shy to post an ad on
Craigslist. If that is too sketch
for you, go the more trusted
way with Angies List. This will
be sure to attract the attention
of a young, date-seeking
woman.

C e l e b D a t e . N o w,
everyones heard of people
managing to get celebrities to
go to school dances with them.
This takes time and effort, way
more than it should, AND once
you get there, guess what - itll
be awkward. To skip out on all
the awkward vibes, purchase a
cardboard cutout of the celeb
you want, perhaps Ariana
Grande. Use this tactic if you
want to steal other guys dates
while dancing and grooving to
the music.
Good luck gentlemen. I
know you all will find dates of
some sort with a little bit of
personality and a lot less
shame. Personally, #5 is
m y p l a n f o r t h i s y e a r s
homecoming, so watch out for
me and my hot date Ariana
Grande
at
Priory
Homecoming: October 11th.

to run away. You must fight this

urge and go ask your date to
dance. After all, most girls
dream of being asked to dance
to the acoustic version of
Latch by Sam Smith.

romantic, but it is also a nice

way to warm up and stretch out
your muscles so you dont pull
a hammy during the dance. If
youre not into the
walking idea, you
could always call a
cab and arrive in
style.
Stew, should I bring
my date to the
Homecoming football game
before the dance?

sure to talk about the game and

display your knowledge of all
things high school football. If
your date hasnt already, the
game is also great place for her
to meet your friends and their
dates. The game is a great way
to be able to talk to your date
before the dance, and firm up
your plans on pictures and
dinner. After the football game,
your date will know that you
do, in fact, have some friends
and that you know at least more
than she does about football.

Yes. The football game

is a great place to show your
date that you are manly. Make

Ask Stew is brought to you by

Diet Dew. Ask me questions at:
askstewrecord@gmail.com

Ask Stew
By Stew McGhee 99
Staff Writer
Hey Stew! If Im trying to
dance with my date, but shes
not digging it, what should I
do?
I
have
some
experience in this situation, and
the best way to diffuse the
tension is to start dancing like a
fiend. If your date sees that
youre having a fun time
dancing, she will be more
inclined to dance with you.
Now, when that one slow song
comes on, and let me tell you it
will, your first instinct will be

I cant drive yet,

but I dont want
my parents to drive
my date and me to
the dance. Help!
Well, this is a bit
complicated since limos are not
allowed at Homecoming. I
would personally suggest that
you walk to the dance. Not only
is a nice walk at twilight very

Things Mr. Orlando says...

OPINION

3
The Record

Save the Manuals

VOLUME XLV
ISSUE 6
OCTOBER 10, 2014
Editor in Chief
Robert E. Donnelly III 15
Layout Editor
Thomas Rosebrough 15
Content Editors
Alexander Hill 15
Stephen Millsap 15
Patrick Lane 15
Robert Erbs III 15

By Parker Dow 15
Staff Writer
Upon turning 16 and
earning a drivers license,
p a r e n t s o f t e n c h o o s e a
suitable car to 9it their sons
needs. While the type of car
(i.e., SUV, truck, sedan) is
important, this characteristic
takes the back seat to the
single and solitary most
important detail: manual or
automatic transmission. While
the choice might not seem
very important, one easily
decided with the 9lip of a coin,
let me tell you how wrong you
are. Totally wrong, in fact.
This decision could possibly
change the way you drive to
school and run your errands.
W h i l e w a t c h i n g a n
awesome James Bond movie
with your friends, you are
particularly captivated by the
chase scenes. James Bond
speeds away from the villains,
weaving in and out of traf9ic in
his squealing Aston Martin. To
avoid an oncoming semi-truck
laden with explosives, he pulls
on a mysterious stick between
the seats and jams a third
pedal, downshifting into third

gear. Wait? What?! There are

three pedals? How come my
familys minivan doesnt have
three pedals?
The simple reason: every
car worth driving has a
manual transmission. Yes, it
would be fun to hold on tightly
to the wheel of a Nissan GTR
as the power of 600 horses
propel you to 60mph in 2.9
seconds, but are you really an
active participant in the
driving experience? No. You
might as well be handed an
Honorable Mention award for
participation every time you
step out of the car. Driving a
m a n u a l i s i n v o l v e d a n d
r e w a r d i n g , a s y o u a r e
responsible for the cars
p e r f o r m a n c e . A m a n u a l
t r a n s m i s s i o n l i t e r a l l y
connects the driver to his/her
respective car. In doing so, the
driver is responsible for
piloting a well-engineered
machine.
M a n u a l s l e t y o u
appreciate the good old days,
when cars were made for the
Autobahn and the pleasure of
driving, not hypnotizing
children in the back seat with
a fold-down TV. There werent

8 cup holders to hold every

size that 7-11 could offer, and
there de9initely werent USB
ports lining the interior of the
v e h i c l e . T h e d r i v i n g
experience was one of pilot
and machine, and was meant
to be that way. If you cant
drive a manual, you wont be
able to experience the 9irst 60
years of automotive history.
The character of a car is
embedded in the driving
e x p e r i e n c e , n o t i n i t s
appealing aesthetics.
As modern sports cars,
supercars, and practically all
automakers begin to take
away the privilege of a driving
a manual transmission, you
are losing your chance to
i n v e s t i n a u n i q u e
opportunity. Common excuses
such as, Its too hard, or, I
dont have the time, simply
wont do. Your parents and
grandparents learned to drive
a manual, so why cant you?
Driving a manual is a skill, and
once you get into 9irst gear, its
amazingly easy. Its a skill not
many teenagers have, and one
which will surely impress
your lady-friends.

Bring it back, gents!

Faculty Moderator
Michael Ware
Contact
theprioryrecord@gmail.com
314-434-3690 ext. 221

The Record Disclaimer

The Record is the official student
publication of Saint Louis Priory
School in St. Louis, Missouri. It is
produced by students/staff members.
Its purpose is to inform students of
events in the community; to
encourage discussion of local,
national, and international issues; and
to serve as a training ground for
budding journalists, photographers,
and graphic designers. The Record
accepts contributions from all
members of the Priory community,
including students, faculty, and
alumni.The Record will not publish
content considered legally
unprotected speech, including but not
limited to: libel, copyr ight
infringement, unwarranted invasion of
privacy, or material disruption of the
educational process. Student editors
apply professional standards to the
production of the newspaper and are
solely responsible for all content, both
explicit and implicit. Letters to the
Editors are always appreciated.
Feedback not intended for
publication is also welcome.

PERIODICALS

Saint Louis Somebodies

By Connor Wright 16
Photojournalist

As most of you have already seen, this is my weekly column, "Saint Louis Somebodies." Each week, I go out and
interview random people in St. Louis, and take their pictures. I find people who are working, shopping, walking down the street, etc., and
ask them questions that bring out some of the most intimate aspects of their lives. The message of my column, however, can be interpreted
differently by each reader. Some people read it to receive strength and hope in their lives, some like to hear about the happy people and their
heartwarming stories, and others read it for mere entertainment. Whatever you take away from my column, I really appreciate everybody's
support. I hope you all continue to enjoy a look into the lives of Saint Louis Somebodies.

How long have you been married?

Our 60th anniversary is in December!
How did you guys meet?
He was the ministers son. I had a crush on him since
fourth grade, and then we became best friends around
freshman year of high school. When he asked me to the
junior dance, I couldnt believe it! He was such a catch, all
my friends were so jealous. I mean just look at him, hes still
got it!
Any suggestions on how to make it last as long as it has?
Marry your best friend. Marry someone that makes you
genuinely a better person. And never EVER give up on it. If
youre ever even considering splitting up, dont lose hope
and work together on rekindling the feelings you had for
each other when you said your vows. Become their best
friend again. Let them make you a better person again.
Follow that advice and youll be celebrating your 60th too.
Whats your favorite song to play?
One note with a good tone. It doesnt make a difference
what song Im playing as long as its full of individual notes
with good tones.
How does that mentality factor into other parts of your
life besides playing music?
Well, Id say that mentality is a lot like life in general, for
everybody. People get dealt different songs: some people
are born rich, while others are living meal-to-meal. Some
people are children of single parents, some people live in
great neighborhoods, some people are allergic to almost
everything, some people live in third world countries, some
are movie stars. We all get dealt different songs. But it
doesnt matter what song you are born playing, it matters
that you fill it full of a lot of individual notes that all have a
good tone. Fill it full of nights when you cant stop laughing.
Fill it full of people that make you forget about everything else in the world but spending time with them. Fill it
with dogs, and chocolate, and long car rides with people you love. Anybodys song has the potential to be
wonderful, as long as they keep filling it with those beautiful notes.
Yep! Thats lookin pretty swank.

ENTERTAINMENT

Sudokus - Easy, Medium, Hard

Crossword
ACROSS
1. Box
5. Vexations
10. Jail (British)
14. Back of the neck
15. 3-banded armadillo
16. Jittery
17. Untenanted
19. Stubborn beast
20. What we sleep on
21. Watchful
22. Units of distance
23. Lithesome
25. Not back
27. Arrive (abbrev.)
28. Insurgent
31. Task
34. Gown fabric
35. 3 in Roman numerals
36. Delicate
37. Tarnish
38. Barely managed
39. Altitude (abbrev.)
40. Roam
41. Overweight
42. Depluming
44. Tavern
45. Layers
46. A communication
50. Grain storage buildings
52. Corrupt
54. Precious stone
55. Poems
56. A language of India
58. Distribute
59. Communion table
60. Leave out

Word Jumble
61. Where the
sun rises
62. Untidy
63. Desserts
DOWN
1. Spurns
2. Discussion
group
3. Any
animal with
no feet
4. Record
(abbrev.)
5. Trucker
6. Not lower
7. Reasonable
8. In a fidgety
manner
9. Unhappy
10. Third sign of the zodiac
11. Like a grown up
12. Leer at
13. Caustics
18. Close-knit group
22. Not less
24. Not
26. Depend
28. Internment camp
29. Untruths
30. Assistant
31. Applaud
32. Corridor
33. Like triplets, except 8
34. Gate
37. Anagram of "Ties"

Red letters go into the final

jumble puzzle.
KOCEDRO: __ __ __ __ __ __ __
PNPRAEO: __ __ __ __ __ __ __
LSTIRUPIA: __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __
SIJETONT: __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __
ETCCILEC: __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

38. Wanes
40. Slaloms
41. Kicks out
43. Wardrobe
44. A state of extreme poverty
46. King with a golden touch
47. A long-legged bird
48. Wish granter
49. Gives forth
50. A few
51. Bright thought
53. Picnic insects
56. An unskilled actor
57. Not bottom

Cheers!

Clue: The other day a clown held

the door open for me. It was a:

________________________

Thanks to Danny Steurer, Sohaan

Swaminathan for the Word Jumble

6
Periodical
Science
Wednesday at 5:20am Im
sure everyone saw the
second occasion of
everyones favorite lunar
cycle, the Blood Moon
Tetrad. A tetrad (of which
there wont be another until
2021) is a set of four total
umbral eclipses, six months
apart. During an umbral
eclipse, the moon is hidden
completely by the cone of
the sun and earth, and is
painted a striking red. How
does this happen? Well, you
may know that the
difference between two
colors of light is the speed
of the wave, and then when
a wave passes through a
material, it will change
angles a different amount
depending on its speed,
and red just happens to be
the speed that bends to
the location of the moon.
But whats really crazy is red
and oranges also happen to
be the colors reflected
outward by our atmosphere
(which is why the sky is blue)
so the moon becomes even
more red than it would be
another ten thousand
kilometers out. So
appreciate how red your
moon is (because this next
blood moon is also
supposed to predict the
end of the world).

MISCELLANEOUS
Big Daddy Lady Killer - The Stag
By Edward Griesedieck IV 15
Big Daddy and Killer of Ladies
Gentlemen and Lady
Killers, the time has come again
for Homecoming. This entails a
memorable night of dancing and
partying, an event for the ages.
Now, if you have listened to my
last installment, you will surely
be flooded by ladies falling over
each other in the hopes that they
will be asked by you. You may
choose to take the one that has
struck your fancy overall; you
may have gone the road less
travelled by bringing multiple
dates, not being able to decide
which one is best (a problem I
have had before). Some brave
few, however, have decided to
put all ladies on hold and go
stag, a power move in the world
of dances. Going stag is
infamous for being the way that
those who could not get a date
were still able to attend, but I
reject that idea. Going stag
shows that you are not willing
to be tied down by one, or even
two dates. That being said, there
are a few rules one must follow

in order to show their

confidence and swagger when
going stag.
First, there is the outfit. No need
to worry about matching an
impossible pattern and color
that is worn by your date; you
are the shot caller this time. Use
this opportunity to blow
everyones minds with your
amazing and daring outfit. My
personal suggestion includes a
top hat and cane, but thats just
my opinion.
Second, there is the dance floor.
After the pre-party where you
have eaten and entertained the
entire group with your witty
banter and clever jokes, you
now arrive at the main event.
While other couples are
anchored to one another and in
clusters, you are free from any
commitment and can mingle
and chat as you please. While
everyone tries to dance, or more
likely stand and talk with their
date, you can be free to let your
inner Bryan Dunbar out and kill

(lady kill) on the dance floor

with your fiery feet and
coordination. (Some people are
less coordinated, and for them I
suggest a simple box step with
serious sass).
Third, there is leaving and the
after-party. After you have
wowed the congregation with
your outfit and confident
dancing, you are free to leave
and journey to the after-party.
Keep it classy, and have a good
time. Refrain from stealing
anyone elses date, even though
the girls will be drawn to your
confidence and the free and
powerful spirit that emanates
from a stag. All in all, have
fun and be confident. Just
because you dont have a date
does not mean that you cannot
have as much fun, if not more,
than the other couples at the
dance.
Big Daddy here reminding
everyone to have fun and keep it
classy.

Manning Vs. All Other QBs

By Patrick Milburn 16
Staff Writer
When the greatest QBs
come to mind, there are a lot of
them. It's a position that shines
when played well, and a list of
top-tier QBs can be pages long.
Peyton Manning is certainly one
of them.
Manning just threw for his
500th career TD, only the second
person ever, after Brett Favre.
Favre has the record of most TDs
at 508, with Peyton on his tail at
503. He should be able to claim
the record in the next two weeks,
especially since he's playing the

1-4 Jets this coming Sunday. He

managed 500 in 244 games,
which is 49 fewer than Favre.
According to the retired
Packer, in this pass-heavy
league, Manning might not hold
the record for that long. I'd have
to disagree. Drew Brees (372)
and Tom Brady (365), are 35 and
37 with declining teams, so
they're definitely out of the
question. Wilson and Luck both
have 60, averaging 1.6 per game.
They are 25 and 26, but Manning
averages 2.06, so they'd have to
pick up the pace if they wanted a
shot. To have a chance at this
type of record, you have to have

Dont worry, Ill take care of it.

an extended career. Manning is

still going strong at 38 because
he makes sure he doesn't get hit.
Being as smart as he is, there's
never a missed blocking
assignment and he gets rid of the
ball in just over 2 seconds. He
could still have a few seasons
ahead of him to pad the stats
even more. Until we find another
QB who can stay healthy for 15+
years that is consistent with TD
numbers, Peyton's record will be
untouched.
(Maybe he'll actually smile
when breaking a record this
time)

SPORTS
Rebels Soccer
By George Ahlering 16
Staff Writer
These past two weeks, the
Varsity Squad has faced some
tough, and some not-so-tough,
c o m p e t i t i o n . We d n e s d a y,
September 17th , the Rebels
faced off against league rivals
MICDS in their first meeting of
the season. Priory handled
MICDS with two goals from
Ryan Mulqueeny and a final one
from John Forshaw.
On Saturday, September
20th, the Rebels faced the
Clayton Greyhounds for the first
time this season and held their
own. John Klaesner rocketed
one into the back of the net after
a nice slot by George
OSullivan, giving the Rebels a
1-0 lead. Later, the Greyhounds
answered and tied the game at
1-1. Nearing the end of the

game, and hoping to avoid extra

time, the Rebels ramped it up
and Will Dohr scored on a
volley sent in by Dan Kelly.
Last Monday, the Rebels
drove out to DuBourg to play a
5:30 match. Although lesser
competition, the same intensity
was expected from Priory. The
sophomores put together a
strong match with goals from
Young, Forshaw, Holland, and
H a n l e y. P r i o r y e n d e d u p
winning the game 4-0.
Last Wednesday, the Varsity
Squad took on a team they had
handled earlier in the season
(2-0). This rematch was going to
be tougher competition, with
Westminster wanting to redeem
themselves.
John Klaesner
proved his prowess yet again by
netting the game opener for the
second home game in a row.

The Rebels let up one more goal

to the Wildcats, leveling the
game 1-1. John Forshaw put in a
nice ball to give the Rebels a
2-1 lead. Ryan Player to
Watch Mulqueeny went on to
put the Westminster Wildcats
away with his left foot beauty.
Priory won 3-1.
Monday, the Rebels faced
Affton at home, and came out a
victorious 2-0. Chris Holland
and Mark Ciapciak both scored
to ensure the Rebels win. The V
Squad managed to pull this one
out with a bit of sloppy play, but
managed to get the job done.

7
Order Your
Letter Jacket:
Wed, Oct. 22
Go to the
campus store
11 AM - 1 PM

Tuesday, Priory played

Lutheran North and won this
match easily with a score of 4-0.
Goals came from Dominic
Young (2), Chris Holland, and
John Forshaw.

FIFA 15 Player Reviews

By Alex Hill 15
Staff Writer
Emmanuel Emenike Fenerbahe, 80 OVR
This man is a must-have. I
mean, how good can your
Ultimate Team really be without
the Sweat King? His blistering
88 pace and 90 strength make
him virtually impervious to
defenders. Any serious FIFA
player needs this monster on
their team.
Seydou Doumbia - CSKA
Moscow, 82 OVR
Like Emenike, Doumbia is
a king of sweat. He blows by
defenders with his pace rating of
93. He also has high shot
attributes, so not only can he
simply blaze by defenders, but
he can rip accurate finishes into
the net.

Yaya Tour - Manchester

City, 86 OVR
With none of his card stats
falling below a 76, this man has
it all: attacking ability, defensive
ability, playmaking ability, you
name it. Unfortunately, he will
be quite expensive, but he will
be worth every coin, mark my
words.
Memphis Depay - PSV, 78
OVR
Depay is a somewhat
cheap, slightly toned-down
Ronaldo. Five-star skills, a
powerful shot, pretty good
strength for an attacking player,
and awesome pace make him a
hidden gem. Like Ronaldo, he is
a right-footed player who plays
on the left side, meaning he can
cut into the middle and rip the
net.

To n i K r o o s - R e a l
Madrid, 85 OVR
Toni is a playmaker. With a
five-star weak foot, 90 long
passing, and 91 short passing,
88 long shots, 86 crossing, and
87 shot power, Kroos is the
definition of a midfield maestro.
His only major downside is his
pace, which sits at a sluggish
58.
Nadir ifti - Dundee
Utd, 68 OVR
Dont be put off by his
overall rating. His stats make up
for it. He has 83 pace, so hes
quick, 90 strength, so hes hard
to knock off the ball, five-star
skills, four-star weak foot, and
hes also six feet tall. If youre
looking for a cheap, yet
physically dominant player,
look no further than the silver
gem, Nadir ifti.

Tetrahedral (Insert dance move here)

Custom fitted
jackets are
$190 and will
be delivered
before
Christmas

REVIEWS

8
Homecoming
Schedule

Pep Rally:
Oct 10
2:15 - 3:00pm

Bonfire and
CarSmash:
Oct 10
Lit at 7:00pm

Game:
Oct 11
2:00pm

Theme:
Headgear and
Pajama Bottoms

Dance:
Oct 11
7:30 - 10:00pm

Book Review: The Amulet of Samarkand

By Andrew Swyers 15
Staff Writer
What if the humans were
the antagonists? In almost
every fantasy involving magic
the hero is a human who fights
the demons. In The Amulet of
Samarkand by Jonathan
Stroud, however, is a fantasy
book starring a Djinn named
Bartimaeus. Bartimaeus is a
resident of the Other Place
which is filled with spirits that
range in power from little
more than magical insects to
beings that can singlehandedly destroy cities. The
worlds history is similar to
our own, but many famous
empires are filled with
magicians. For example,
Bartimaeus has served the
magicians of both Ramses II
and Solomon. These

demons, as called by the

magicians are forced to serve
the will of the
magicians who
summoned them in
any task. The
magicians go
through years of
training in order to
learn
the
incredibly complex
art of summoning,
with the intricate
pentacles and
l e n g t h y
incantations.
The book
opens up with
Bartimaeus being summoned
by a young boy to steal an
incredibly important object
from another magician. As he
goes about following the
command, Bartimaeus

stumbles onto a government

conspiracy.
The Amulet of
Samarkand is an
excellent book
that starts off an
amazing series.
Bartimaeus is
very funny and
quickly becomes
your favorite
character. While
other characters
also
have
chapters, they act
merely as buffers
for
the
Bartimaeus
chapters. His witty footnotes
are what make this book. The
mythos is also well developed
and is used to create new
twists and turns. The book is
around 460 pages and can be
found in our library.

Music Review: Tomorrows Modern Boxes

By Tripp Miller 16
Staff Writer
Note: I try to be objective
with these little blips in the
corner of your copy of the
Record. If Kanye were to drop
his next project tomorrow and it
didn't deliver, I'd give it what it
deserves. But, there is one band
to which I claim undying
loyalty; one band for whom I
can't be fair in my analysis:
Radiohead. I will never review a
Radiohead project, but I'll do
my best to review the new
Thom Yorke solo record,
Tomorrow's Modern Boxers.
Thom released this record via
BitTorrent, because of course he
did.
TMB is the logical
extension of the electronic
element which Thom Yorke has
been exploring since

Radiohead's Kid A (which is, in

the opinion of this critic, the
greatest artistic work in all of
human history), and expanded
upon with 2011's criminally
underrated The King of Limbs.
While those efforts incorporated
organic instrumentation into
their composition, TMB sheds
all except synthesizers and drum
machines, and the result is a

Physics!

stunningly beautiful and

confoundingly boring album
that lulls the listener into a
peaceful sleep.
Opener, Brain in a Bottle,
and instrumental, There Is No
Ice For My Drink, are the most
glaring missteps, but everything
else holds up surprisingly well
after the first listen. Highlights
include the gorgeous, Truth
Ray, and the melancholy,
Interference.
Overall, I loved the album,
but part of that could be my
devotion to Thom and
everything he sets his voice
against. In the interest of
objectivity, this album was a
7/10. Hopefully this record is
the sound of Thom getting his
bleep-bloops out before my
heroes get back into the studio
to deliver the world their next
little slice of sonic euphoria.