JUST PETE

Pilot
Written by
Glen Gair

Blaensiedi Fawr
Bancyffordd
Llandysul
Carmarthenshire
SA44 4SA
glengair23@hotmail.co.uk
07984620215

12/12/2013

"JUST PETE"
FADE IN:
1

INT. PETES LOUNGE - NIGHT

PETE (Irish, scruffy, 28) is engrossed by his video game.

THUMP. His focus is broken by his fast asleep son, BRANDON
(shy, 6). Head slumped over a corner table, exhausted from
colouring in his picture.
PETE thinks twice about waking BRANDON but ultimately carries
on playing his game.
1A

INT. BRANDONS BEDROOM - LATER

1A

PETE carries BRANDON into the room, places him onto his bed
and carelessly throws the covers over him.
On his way out PETE stands on a stray toy. Hes in pain but
manages to silent his frustration. He tosses the toy across
the room and exits.
1B

INT. PETES BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

1B

PETE brushes his teeth whilst simultaneously checking for

skin blemishes. He spits and rinses before turning around to
find...
PETE
(jumps)
Holy shh-- Brandon.
...standing behind him.
BRANDON
Can I use the toilet?
PETE
Sure. Just try not to use too much
toilet roll.
BRANDON
You cant watch.
PETE
(confused)
Why would I watch you-Pete gives up very quickly and leaves.
1C

INT. PETES BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

1C

PETEs wrapped up in his duvet about to drift off. His door

slowly swings open allowing the hall light to flood his room.
A large shadow is cast across his bed and walls. PETE leans
up to see a silhouetted BRANDON at the doorway.

2.

PETE
(mumbles)
Turn the light on. You look like
youre about to murder me.
BRANDON switches on the light which strains PETEs eyes. He
sinks his head into the pillow.
PETE (CONTD)
(muffled)
What do you want Brandon?
BRANDON
Can I have a story?
PETE
...No. Now go to sleep.
PETE begins to make himself comfortable again.
BRANDON
But I cant sleep without a story.
1D

INT. BRANDONS BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

1D

BRANDON tucks himself into his bed. Eventually PETE shuffles

into the room.
PETE
To think that I didnt have to go
through this aggro a month ago.
(then)
What do you want, the opening
monologue to Stars Wars: A New
Hope, or an episode of M*A*S*H?
BRANDON
Why were you missing for all of
that time?
PETE
You heard the options, right?
(then reluctantly)
I thought your Mam told ya?
BRANDON
She said you went on holiday.
PETE
For six years? What did I do, go
backpacking in Narnia?
BRANDON
So you didnt go on holiday?

3.

PETE
I think your Mam might of overexaggerated somewhat.
PETE sits on BRANDONs bed but accidentally lands on another
rough toy. He grimaces in pain and again tosses the toy
across the room.
PETE (CONTD)
Can I answer your question in story
form as to knock two hens out with
the same rolling pin?
BRANDON nods.
PETE (CONTD)
A long time ago, in a galaxy far,
far, away, your Mammy and I dated
for a short time. ...My rebel
spaceship, striking from a hidden
base, entered the evil Galactic
Empire.
(explains)
...your Mammy.
During the battle, rebel spies
managed to steal secret plans to
the Empire's ultimate weapon, the
Death Star, an armoured space
station with enough power to
destroy an entire planets future
plans, dreams, ...and alone time.
An hour later, pursued after an
argument by the Empires irrational
tendencies and a rolled up Hello!
magazine, I raced home aboard my
starship never to be seen again.
Meanwhile, without me knowing, my
rebel spies had been captured and
the Empire regained custody of the
stolen plans. The Galatic Empire
became pregnant which saved their
people, which I guess in this case
would be the Catholics. Six years
later the Empire finally tells the
rebel about their child. The end.
I know theres some plot holes in
that personalised re-telling, but
ya get the drift.
BRANDON
(softly)
I was a mistake?
PETE
Fifty points, Gryffindor wins.
(beat)
(MORE)

4.
PETE (CONT'D)
See, youre not just a walkingtalking bacterial nightmare. Youve
got some brain power too. Now go to
snoozeville. Youre eating into my
sleeping time.

PETE leaves the now very wide awake BRANDON.

2

INT. PETES HALLWAY - MORNING

LUCY (English, Uppity, 27) hurriedly knocks on BRANDONs
bedroom door.
LUCY
Come on Brandon, open the door.
BRANDON (O.S.)
No!
LUCY
Youll be late for school and Mummy
will be late for the hospital.
Dont think Mummys friend will be
happy.
PETE leans on the wall.
PETE
Sarah?
LUCY
No.
PETE
Beth?
LUCY
Yes.
PETE
Again? Jaysus. Whats that, lucky
number seven?
LUCY
...Six.
PETE
Oh. One for each husband I see.
LUCY
Brandon!
(to PETE)
I ask you to do one thing.
PETE
Lots of things actually. You dont
stop asking.

5.

LUCY
Get him ready for school, thats
all I asked you to do.
(to BRANDON)
Brandon! Open the door!
PETE
(despondent)
Its open. I took the lock off.
Like you asked.
LUCY
Why the F didnt you say that in
the first place?
(to Brandon)
Im coming in, okay?
LUCY enters the bedroom. PETE makes his way to his small and
cluttered kitchen.
2A

INT. PETES KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

2A

As he tops up the kettle with water, LUCY storms in. PETE is

unfazed and continues to make a cup of tea.
LUCY
(angrily)
You told him he was a mistake?
PETE
No.
LUCY
Hes been crying because you told
him that he was a mistake!
PETE
...Oh hes just taken it out of
context. You cant just wrap him up
in an Elton John soundtrack. Look
at me. My parents didnt tell me
anything factual until I was nearly
twenty. I felt like a right eejit.
LUCY
As his Mother Im telling you that
you will act responsibly and
consider his feelings.
PETE
My parents divorced when I was
eight years old. I didnt find out
until the day I left for
university.

6.

LUCY
They were protecting you from being
hurt. Something you should be doing
for Brandon.
PETE
Oh please, the sooner he learns
these things the less brutal it
will be in the future.
LUCY
Pure logic. What next, are you
going to tell him that Father
Christmas isnt real?
BRANDON is stood in the kitchen doorway.
BRANDON
Hes not?
LUCY turns and panics.
LUCY
Oh no-PETE
(re: BRANDON)
He does that. He does that a lot.
LUCY
I was just telling lies. Santa is
real, dont worry.
(to PETE)
Isnt he?
PETE
Nope. Youre by yourself on this
one.
LUCY
Thank you for the support.
(to BRANDON)
Come on, lets get you to school.
LUCY marches out.
3

INT. CALL CENTRE - DAY

The centre is compact and busy. PETE operates a phone as his

working day begins.
PETE
Hello there, I represent a home
furnishing company and Id like
to... Hello? Hello?

7.

INT. CALL CENTRE - MOMENTS LATER

PETE
(to phone)
Can you stop shouting-- No you
dont need to do that.
Im not-- Im-- Sir-- IM NOT
SLEEPING WITH YOUR WIFE.
A nearby co-worker gives him an off look.
6

INT. CALL CENTRE - MOMENTS LATER

PETE
(to phone)
No.
(disgusted)
...Ireland. No. Im Irish. ...Yes,
and a top of the mornin to you
too, ya racist git.
(offended)
We do not all sound like Chris
Evans. Hes as English as they get.
7

INT. CALL CENTRE. BREAK ROOM - LATER

A group of workers are standing around by the kitchen

appliances. They are in mid conversation. PETE hovers around
the fringe of the group. He watches on as they converse.
MALE WORKER #1
Lets be fair now, the wife made me
watch it.
FEMALE WORKER #1
Ye-ye. And I suppose she made you
vote for him too?
We focus on PETEs zoned out expression. The conversation
becomes white noise to him as he completely tunes out.
FEMALE WORKER #2 (O.C.)
Why would you even vote for a guy
like that? The mans a pig. We
shouldnt be watching it. Like, we
should just switch it off.
MALE WORKER #1 (O.C.)
You cant blame him. The media have
spun it out of proportion. The
affair was a technicality of his
divorce.
The white noise clears when hes asked...

8.

MALE WORKER #1 (CONTD)

(to PETE)
You agree with me, dont you?
Hes lost. He tries to grasp what he can from their general
tone and body language.
PETE
...I guess so. I can certainly see
both sides of the argument. Both
equally valid. Both used ...words.
They return their focus back to the conversation and to each
other.
MALE WORKER #1
--See, he agrees with me.
FEMALE WORKER #2
He barely said anything. You know
youre wrong.
MALE WORKER #1
Im not wrong. You just cant grasp
the concept of a Man being right.
FEMALE WORKER #1
Here we go with the macho dribble-A new Female employee (LORNA, 22) enters the room, and the
conversation quickly evaporates.
The silence becomes a little uncomfortable and the majority
of the workers disperse, leaving PETE to finish his coffee.
LORNA
(to PETE)
Do I have rabies or something?
PETE is taken aback by LORNAs brash confidence and question.
PETE
...Probably not. I dont know. I
mean it seems doubtful.
LORNA
Ugh. I hate being new. Everyone
avoids you like the plague.
PETE
Im sure thats not true.
LORNA
So, whats your name?
PETE checks the time on his watch. He rushes his coffee and
leaves the cup on the side.

9.

PETE
Oh damn it. Im sorry. Im past my
allotted break time.
LORNA
Sure. See you around.
PETE exits the room.
8

INT. CALL CENTRE - MOMENTS LATER

PETEs in the middle of a sales pitch. His friend MICKY
(brash Southerner, 30) is crouching by his side, fixated on
him. PETE becomes a little creeped out.
PETE
(to phone)
That also comes with a five year
guarantee. ...Yuh-huh. Youre
putting me on hold, that makes a
refreshing change.
(fake laughter)
You take your time.
Within a second his fake laugh stops.
PETE (CONTD)
(to MICKY)
What?
MICKY
How are you?
PETE
Feeling a little uncomfortable.
MICKY
Hows Brandon?
PETE
I dont know, ask him.
MICKY
Im sensing some hostility. You
still dont like him, do you?
PETE
Whats there to like? He poops,
cries, and hes terrible at playing
Call of Duty.
MICKY
Sounds like you need a break. What
are you doing tonight?
PETE
Ill be busy.

10.

MICKY
On a Friday night? What have you
got planned?
PETE
The usual.
9

INT. PETES LOUNGE - PAST

The scene divides up into PETEs CONTRIVED version of events

and the ACTUALITY of past events.
CONTRIVED: PETE pours port into a glass. Light classical
music creates an atmosphere that youd come to expect from a
mahogany lover.
Dressed artistically, he stands opposite a half painted
canvas. Tickles the brush onto his painting before backing
away to adore it. Its a puddle of colour.
PETE
(amazed)
Its like a trifecta of emotion.
ACTUALITY: PETE, sporting a slogan t-shirt and baggy boxer
shorts, kicks back in his littered leather armchair. He swigs
from a bottle of beer as his Television and sound system
engulfs the room with the visuals of him interacting with a
violent video game.
His character in the game has just been killed. PETE talks
through a headset.
PETE (CONTD)
(disbelief)
Come on Dan! Jaysus. What would you- Why would you do that?! Im on
your team.
CONTRIVED: PETE stands opposite a music stand. Sweating
profusely, he plays the final notes of a gypsy flamenco song
on a violin.
PETE (CONTD)
(passionately in
Spanish)
My loins burn for a ham sandwich.
ACTUALITY: PETE plays with his cheap DJ kit. He poorly
executes turntable moves and the sound is disjointed and
lousy.
10

INT. PETES HALLWAY - PAST

CONTRIVED: The door bell rings. PETE answers to find his
Neighbour BRAD (45, librarian in look) at the door.

10

11.

BRAD
Good-day fine neighbourly
gentleman. Were one participant
shy from a perfect game of trivial
pursuits, are you in?
PETE
(smug)
Do protons dance to Tchaikovsky?
ACTUALITY: The door bell rings. PETE answers to find his
Neighbour BRAD (45, dodgy in look) at the door.
BRAD
Hi neighbour. Were in the middle
of a small party so can you keep
the music down?
PETE
Sure. Is anyone invited?
BRAD
Its actually quite an intimate
affair. ...Places are limited.
PETE
Oh. Well would you like me to DJ?
Ive got a host of fresh sounds.
BRAD
...Its not that kind of party.
Theres an awkward silence between the two. PETE eventually
comes to the realisation that its a party for swingers. His
eyes withdraw in disgust, as to say really? BRAD shrugs his
shoulders as to reply, Ye, pretty much.
11

INT. CALL CENTRE - BACK TO PRESENT

PHONE CUSTOMER (V.O.)
Hello..? Hello..?
PETE
(to phone)
Sorry, hi. Apologies about that.
...You would? Thats grand. Let me
transfer you over to the sales
team. Thank you, have a nice day.
MICKY
Just have some fun for once. Ask
that new girl out on a date.
PETE
Lets puncture this tyre right
away. Its not happening.
(MORE)

11

12.
PETE (CONT'D)
So just leave me to my lonely, yet
embarrassment free night.

MICKY
I reckon shell go out with you.
PETE
Micky, I doubt shell be interested
in me.
MICKY
Not with that attitude. Have some
confidence, Man. ...Come on. Do it
for me. Pretty please?
PETE
(resigned)
...Fine.
MICKY
Thats the spirit. Now, do you need
me to ask her out for you?
PETE
Were not in playschool, Micky. I
think Im more than up to the job.
12

INT. CALL CENTRE - COFFEE ROOM - AFTERNOON

12

LORNA is sat eating her pasta salad alone. PETE pushes MICKY
through the door and into the room. He peaks through the gaps
in the blinds. MICKY composes himself and approaches LORNA.
MICKY
Hey, hows it going? Is it going
good?
LORNA
(disinterested)
Yep.
MICKY
Cool.
(points at her food)
Pasta. Nothing sexier than a
beautiful woman putting all caution
to the wind and stacking up on the
carbohydrates.
(then)
Listen, Im getting a very good
vibe from you. Youre projecting
excellent energy for a... single
woman?
LORNA
Fair enough.

13.

MICKY
Did it hurt when you fell from
heaven?
LORNA
Im not an angel.
MICKY
So they rejected you for being an
atheist? Their loss.
LORNA
Right...
MICKY
Let me cut to the chase.
(then)
What is that erotic scent? The
tones suggest its...
(French accent)
...Rihanna Rebelle?
LORNA
Get on with it.
MICKY
Im going to call it as it is.
Youre a stunning woman and Im a
very handsome, fully mobile,
exquisitely dressed GQ man.
Together we would make the ideal
glamour couple. We could sell sofas
on commercials. Saga holidays when
were forty five. We drink water
with a slice of cucumber. My
question to you is... will you go
out with my friend?
MICKY points over at PETE whom is still semi visible through
the blinds and is pressed up against the window.
LORNA starts to choke on her food.
MICKY (CONTD)
I know youre lost for words. Im a
little chocked up too, but Im in a
long term relationship and its-LORNA points to her choking.
MICKY (CONTD)
Oh shit. A little help here! Shes
having a seizure!
PETE runs in.

14.

PETE
What have you done?
MICKY
(panicked)
I told her that Im in a
relationship and now shes taking
it badly.
MICKY throws a glass of water over her.
PETE
Micky, shes choking, not on fire!
PETE thumps her on the back. Each thump increasing in
strength.
MICKY
Stop consoling her and do
something.
PETE performs the Heimlich manoeuvre. The piece of food exits
and LORNA is able to breathe.
PETE
Are you okay? Let me get you a
glass of water and a towel.
MICKY
Honestly Im fine, mate.
PETE
Get out Micky! Terrible job.
MICKY leaves.
PETE (CONTD)
Im sorry about him.
He passes LORNA a towel and some water.
PETE (CONTD)
Here.
LORNA
Thanks.
PETE
Im Peter. Although I prefer Pete.
(explains)
Earlier you asked me my name.
...Its Peter. But just Pete. ...PE-T ...E.
They both smile in embarrassment.

15.

13

EXT. PRIMARY SCHOOL - AFTERNOON

13

PETE waits outside with the other Parents. A nosey PARENT

approaches him. PETE roles his eyes as if this has happened
before.
PARENT
Sorry I didnt quite catch your
name. Are you waiting for someone?
PETE
(sarcastically)
No. Im a paedophile.
BRANDON walks Past him.
PETE (CONTD)
(to BRANDON)
Nice to see you too.
14

EXT. PARK - LATER

14

BRANDON strolls ahead of PETE.

PETE
Slow down. You walk like a banker.
15

EXT. PARK. BENCH - MOMENTS LATER

15

PETEs bored. Hes sat on the empty bench while BRANDON runs
around pretending hes sword fighting with a stick in hand.
BRANDON approaches PETE in the en garde position.
PETE loosely grins but misinterprets BRANDONs action. He
takes the stick and throws it as far as he can.
This has made BRANDON sad.
BRANDON
That was my sword.
PETE
That looked nothing like a sword. I
thought you wanted to play fetch.
BRANDON still looks devastated.
PETE (CONTD)
Why dont you buy an actual sword?
Get an Orcrist sword of Thorin from
the Hobbit. Itll be a replica but
frankly itll be a lot more
effective in combat than a stick.
BRANDONs eyes begin to fill and lips give way to the
occasional wobble.

16.

PETE (CONTD)
Youre not going to let this go,
are ya?
He is now begins to shed tears.
PETE (CONTD)
It was just a stick. There are
thousands of sticks in and around
this location. Are you seriously
going to cry about it? Look,
theres a stick. Oh look again,
Brandon, theres a tree where
sticks are born.
The tears are persistent. PETE gives in.
PETE (CONTD)
(to self)
I cant deal with this. Lets get
you back to your Mams.
BRANDON moves his hand out for PETE to hold but he passes
over BRANDONs backpack for him to carry instead.
16

INT. BAR - NIGHT

PETE and MICKY occupy a corner table as to see the entire
bar.
PETE
A stick as a sword! Ive never seen
such a thing. And the crying, oh
dear lord, the crying goes on for
so long. I havent had to carry
this many tissues since I was a
teenager.
MICKY
I understand that youre still
grappling with the concept of
having a son, but I really need you
to concentrate tonight because
Lorna is very attractive, and if it
wasnt for me she would have
definitely turned you down. So at
least look switched on. Now, what
do you buy her?
PETE
I cant believe she agreed to go
out with me tonight.
MICKY
The worlds full of mystery. Please
focus. You buy her..?

16

17.

PETE
A drink.
MICKY
No! Times are changing. Lorna will
offer to buy you a drink because
shes a progressive and strong
female.
PETE
But Im only being a gentleman.
Surely shed appreciate the
proposition?
MICKY
Wake up, Pete. Were not in a
1970s working mans club. Youre
implying that she doesnt make
enough money to buy a round of
drinks.
PETE
But Im demonstrating generosity.
Surely thats a good quality to
exhibit?
MICKY
In the spirit of equality youre
making a foolish move.
PETE
So what am I meant to buy?
MICKY
The snacks.
PETE
The snacks?
MICKY
Ye, theyre supplementing the
drinks. Theyre not the focus of
the evening. Look at it this way,
did you ask her out for snacks?
PETE
No, why? Is that something people
are doing these days? I know the
economic situation in this country
is at a low but-MICKY
Just buy the snacks and alternate
the purchase of the rounds of
drinks.

18.

PETE
Right.
17

INT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER

PETE approaches the bar.
PETE
(to BARMAN)
Diet cola, please fella.
KIM (27, girl next door in looks) approaches PETE.
PETE (CONTD)
(to BARMAN)
Quick, make it a light beer.
KIM
Hi Petey.
PETE is enamoured with KIM. His face beams.
PETE
Hey Kim. You look great. How are
you?
KIM
Thanks. Ye, Im really good. Hows
Brandon?
His face drops.
PETE
Hes good. Yep. Really good.
KIM
He seems really adorable.
PETE
Hes something alright.
KIM
I walked past the toy shop earlier
and almost bought him a wooden
train set. Do you think hed like
that?
PETE
I dunno. Possibly. Im not sure
what he likes.
PETE spots LORNA entering the bar.
KIM
You dont know what he likes? Why
dont you know?
(MORE)

17

19.
KIM (CONT'D)
Its your responsibility to know.
Youre his father after all.

PETE
(snaps)
Back off, Kim.
Kims taken aback.
PETE (CONTD)
Im sorry, I didnt mean to snap. I
mean, back off my dates coming and
she might think that youre with
me. Silly, I know. But still.
LORNA approaches.
PETE (CONTD)
Go. Away with ya.
KIM hesitantly moves away.
PETE (CONTD)
(nervously to LORNA)
How are ya? You look ...refreshed.
LORNA
Thank you?
PETE
Sorry, Im nervous.
LORNA
(jokingly)
I thought you said your name was
Pete?
PETE
(confused)
...It is.
LORNA
It was a joke.
PETE
Oh I see. It was a terrible joke. -I mean, Im terrible at jokes.
Really bad at getting them.
LORNA
(re: Kim)
For a second there I thought you
were chatting someone up.
PETE
Who Kim? No. Yuck. Shes not my
type at all.

20.

LORNA
What, incredibly beautiful?
PETE
Shes got a dark side. Lovely face,
but a bit of a fascist. Besides
shes Mickys girlfriend. So even
if I wanted to, which I dont, itd
be quite tricky. So to sum her up;
shes nobody. Once again, you look
dashing.
LORNA
Its okay, I believe you. I could
kill for a drink.
PETE throws his hands in the air.
PETE
Dont shoot.
LORNA
What?
PETE
(shies away from the
joke)
...Oh I didnt say anything. No.
Not a thing.
LORNA
Can I get you a drink?
PETE
Actually, I just ordered one before
you arrived. ...But Id like to
offer to allow you... to buy your
own drink.
LORNA
Ha, thats fine. Ive got it.
PETE turns away in relief.
PETE
(remembers)
Let me order some snacks.
18

INT. BAR. CORNER TABLE - LATER

MICKY and KIM are making a less than obvious attempt to
observe PETEs date from their corner table.
KIM
He kind of snapped at me earlier.

18

21.

MICKY
Did you mention his son?
KIM
Only casually.
MICKY
He hates him.
Hates him?
you?

KIM
And he said that to
MICKY

Yes.
(then)
Are we making it obvious that were
spying on his date?
KIM
No. Were essentially incognito.
19

INT. BAR. CENTRE TABLE - CONTINUOUS

19

LORNA and PETE sit opposite each other in close proximity.

LORNA
...So thats pretty much why I
moved here. Would you like to see a
photo of where I grew up?
PETE
Sure.
LORNA turns her back on PETE and rummages through her
handbag.
LORNA
Let me just find my phone.
PETE looks over at MICKY and KIM. He mimes Stop Watching. I
can see you. LORNAs found her phone and PETE returns his
attention towards her. She shows him a photo of a countryside
property.
LORNA (CONTD)
Nice, eh?
PETE
Oh ye, thats really nice.
LORNA
Im sorry, Im boring you.
PETE
No. No youre not. Not at all. Id
love to know more about ya.
(MORE)

22.
PETE (CONT'D)
Tell me everything. I demand to
know. Like, what are your hobbies?

LORNA
Err, no. Youre going to think Im
such a geek.
PETE
I wont, I promise. If it helps,
Ive been called a nerd once or
twice in my life. ...Also,
cornflakes. I was quite prone to
acne in my late teens.
LORNA
Well, I have a deep appreciation
for video games.
PETE
Xbox or Playstation?
LORNA
Irrelevant. Both. Youre not a
gamer unless you embrace both.
Although much of my game time is
spent on the PC.
20

INT. BAR. CORNER TABLE - CONTINUOUS

KIM and MICKY are still spying on PETE.
MICKY
Oh dear lord, theyve bonded over
an appreciation for video games.
KIM
Ye, tragic.
(then)
We need to talk.
MICKY
Are you-KIM
No.
MICKY
...Are you-KIM
No. Id like us to start talking
about our future.
MICKY
I feel trapped.

20

23.

KIM
I think I want to have kids.
MICKY looks like hes been dealt some bad news.
MICKY
(beat)
So how was your day?
KIM
Micky, I really think we should
start talking about getting married
and settling down.
MICKY
I need a drink.
MICKY leaves the table.
21

INT. BAR. CENTRE TABLE - LATER

Plenty of empty glasses litter the table. As a result both
PETE and LORNA have slightly slurred speeches.
PETE
The ability to play against a forty
seven year old Chilean chef or a
Norwegian mechanic has improved the
gaming experience beyond belief.
LORNA
I agree. Except for those whiny
American teenagers.
PETE
(imitates teenage
American)
Ive got a health refill, wanna be
my friend?
LORNA
(imitates teenage
American)
Your accent is weird, are you
Australian?
PETE
(imitates teenage
American)
Come on Pete! Jesus. Why would you
do that?! Im on your team!
They both laugh, although PETEs is nervous. He starts
throwing and catching crisps into his mouth.

21

24.

LORNA
Cringe worthy. Its just a gentle
reminder of how much I hate kids.
The last crisp he tosses goes wide as he was too stupefied to
attempt to catch it.
LORNA (CONTD)
How about you? Im assuming you
dont have any little maggots
squirming about.
Hes caught in two minds. It takes a moment for him to
release some fake laughter.
PETE
No. Me? No. I hate children. Im a
little young for that. They block
up your toilet. ...Id imagine.
...No thank you.
(then)
So do you like science fiction?
22

INT. BAR. CORNER TABLE - LATER

KIM looks frustrated with a stunned MICKY.
MICKY
Why dont we get a pet hamster?
Head in hands, KIM slumps onto the table.
A very merry PETE comes over.
PETE
Alright, happy couple. Were going
back to my domain.
(shields his mouth)
W-W-W-dot-all-aboard-the-Peteexpress-dot-org. All lower case
letters. And you know what org
stands for.
MICKY
Organisation.
PETE
Well yes, I guess it does mean
that.
(re: KIM)
Whats up her backside?
MICKY
She wants kids.
PETE
My lady doesnt. Wanna swap?

22

25.

Any initial laughter turns awkward.

PETE (CONTD)
(to MICKY)
Good talk. Okay, Ill see you
Monday.
PETE goes to shake KIMs hand...
PETE (CONTD)
See ya, Kim.
...But KIM goes in for a hug. They confuse each other and end
up settling for a half hearted hug. Its limp and a little
baffling for PETE.
23

INT. PETES HALLWAY - LATE NIGHT

23

PETE and LORNA stumble through the front door.

PETE
Third doors a charm.
As PETE closes the door LORNA grabs him and they clumsily
make out. They fall to the floor and LORNA lands on a Lego
brick.
LORNA
Aw!
She retrieves the brick and holds it in front of PETE.
PETE
...I like to play with Lego.
LORNA
God thats sexy.
They continue to make out.
24

INT. PETES LOUNGE - MOMENTS LATER

24

PETE and LORNA sit in front of the large TV and play a video
game.
25

INT. PETES LOUNGE - LATER

25

PETE plays his DJ decks poorly but it doesnt seem to deter

LORNA from dancing.
26

INT. PETES HALLWAY - LATER

26

PETE answers the front door to reveal BRAD standing outside.

BRAD
Hi neighbour. Can I borrow some
butter, please?

26.

PETE
Of course. You making a sandwich?
PETE turns to head towards the kitchen.
BRAD
Actually, Id rather not say.
PETE reverses and closes the door on BRAD.
27

INT. PETES LOUNGE - LATER

27

PETE and LORNA are cuddling under a blanket on his armchair

whilst watching a romantic comedy. This is the first time
that PETE genuinely looks happy.
LORNA
You dont own any other films?
28

INT. PETES BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

28

The doorbell rings. PETE and LORNA are asleep in his bed.
Eventually by the third ring PETE manages to roll out of bed.
29

INT. PETES HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

29

In complete zombie mode, PETE answers the door in nothing but

his briefs. Waiting impatiently is LUCY with a semi-asleep
BRANDON. She thrusts a packed bag into his midriff.
PETE
Aw. What time is it?
LUCY
Just gone four. Beths gone into
labour and I cant look after
Brandon when Im in the room with a
woman that resembles a broken
vending machine.
PETE
Ive got-LUCY
Hes got football at twelve. All
his kit is in the bag.
PETE
But Ive got a-LUCY
You need to buy him an energy
drink.
(to BRANDON)
Mummys got to go.
She gives BRANDON a kiss.

27.

LUCY (CONTD)
See you Sunday. Now get yourself in
bed.
BRANDON makes his way past PETE. LUCY races off without a
word to PETE.
PETE
And a bye-bye to you too.
30

INT. BRANDONS BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

30

PETE plumps BRANDONs pillow. BRANDON immediately rests his

head and attempts to sleep.
As PETE turns to exit he sees LORNA standing in the hallway.
LORNA
You have a son?
He doesnt know how to reply. She rushes back to his room.
31

INT. PETES BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

LORNA is putting on her clothes. PETE enters.
LORNA
I cant believe you didnt tell me.
PETE
You seemed to really dislike kids
and I was telling you the truth. I
dont like them either.
LORNA
Then why do you have one?
PETE
Give me a break, I only found out
the other day.
LORNA
The other day?
PETE
Ye. ...The other day last month.
LORNA
You are unbelievable. How can you
lie about something like that?!
PETE
Everyone lies on their first date!

31

28.

LORNA
About their height, or the first
album they bought, or maybe the car
they drive.
LORNA is putting on her shoes.
PETE
I panicked and Im sorry.
LORNA
Im not ready for that type of
commitment.
PETE
I wasnt asking for that type of
commitment.
LORNA
So what was I, a one night stand?
PETE
Thats not what I meant!
32

INT. BRANDONS BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

32

BRANDONs eyes are open wide. He can hear everything.

PETE (O.C.)
Come on, dont leave. We can talk
about this. I really like you.
LORNA (O.C.)
You lied to me!
PETE (O.C.)
I just temporarily forgot the
little beggar existed! Oh dont go!
Lorna!
BANG. The front door slams shut. Silence follows.
33

INT. PETES KITCHEN - MORNING

33

PETEs hungover and down. Hes partially dressed and makes

BRANDON breakfast. BRANDONs quietly keeping himself occupied
by drawing.
PETE
Cheerios?
BRANDON
(hushed)
Ye.
PETE
Milk or Soya?

29.

BRANDON
Milk.
PETE pours the milk into the bowl and hands it to BRANDON.
PETE
Best take into the lounge.
BRANDON does so. PETE investigates his drawing. BRANDON has
drawn his Mother and himself smiling and holding hands. A man
labelled DAD stands nearby but with a sad face.
PETE (CONTD)
(sarcastically to self)
One for the fridge, that one.
PETE places the drawing to one side and continues with his
mornings preparations.
34

EXT. LOCAL PLAYING FIELD - AFTERNOON

34

Parents begin to gather around a small football pitch.

Children wearing their teams football attire run around like
mad men.
PETE stands away from the pitch and parents. BRANDON now
changed into his football kit, runs over and hands PETE his
bag. PETE shakes BRANDONs hand.
PETE
Good luck.
BRANDON runs back onto the pitch to join his teammates.
35

EXT. LOCAL PLAYING FIELD - LATER

35

PETE joins the other parents whom greet him with frosty
stares and mumble to one and other. The game begins.
He looks around at the many supportive parents shouting from
the sidelines. One MOTHER in particular grabs his attention.
He observes her for a brief time.
MOTHER
Go Freddie! Pass it! ...No! Pass
it!
(beat)
Down the line!
Clueless about the game, PETE begins to copy the MOTHER.
PETE
(mumbles)
Down the line, Brandon.
MOTHER
Pass it, Freddie!

30.

PETE
Pass it, Brandon.
MOTHER
Run!
PETE begins to feel a little more engaged in the action.
PETE
Run, Brandon!
MOTHER
Throw in, ref!
PETE
Throw in, Brandon!
The MOTHER looks over at him with a frosty stare. BRANDON
drifts off the pitch next to PETE.
PETE (CONTD)
Back in the arena.
(to MOTHER)
What?
PETE stops copying her. Another FATHER approaches him.
FATHER
I wouldnt mess with her. Shes
been known to make a man suffer
erectile dysfunction with her stare
alone. ...Im her husband.
PETE
Thanks for the warning. Im Pete.
FATHER
Youre Brandons Dad, right?
PETE
Ive yet to do a DNA test, but ye,
thatll be me.
FATHER
Hes a good kid. Talented
footballer too. You should be
proud.
The FATHER drifts off back towards the MOTHER. The whistle
blows and the kids come running off the pitch. BRANDON
approaches PETE and is met with a bottle of water.
PETE
Youre good. I think you must get
that sporty gene from your Mammy.
She knows how to kick some balls.
(MORE)

31.
PETE (CONT'D)
...You should teach me how to play
sometime.

BRANDON
Later?
PETE
No, Im wearing my nice trainers.
Theyre not designed for action of
the sporting variety. Id be
sliding everywhere. Nobody wants
that on a football field. Maybe
next week, ye?
BRANDON nods.
Theres a moment of appreciation between the two of them.
PETE takes BRANDON by the hand.
PETE (CONTD)
Come on, lets get out of here.
He half smiles at BRANDON and leads him away from the pitch.
BRANDON
But that was just the first half.
PETE
Youre bloody kiddin me, theres
more?!
They stop. After a deep sigh from PETE they make a U-turn and
head back to the pitch.
PETE (CONTD)
Now tell me, Ive heard this
referee hands out cards to the
players. ...I hope they dont have
his phone details on there, cos
Im not sure your Mammy will be too
pleased about that.
FADE OUT.
THE END