Theseus

SceneOne:
Narrator:Oncetherewasasmall,weak,pathetic,young,ugly,stupid,boy.Helivedwithhispooroldmother.Theylivedinthecityof
Troezen,whereitwasverypoor,andsmall.Theseuswassecretlythesonofaking.

Theseus:Judgemebymysizedoyou?Yeah,Imthesonofaking.Andguesswhat?ImalsothesonofPoseidon.Youheardme,Poseidon!

Narrator:Onedaylittle,poor,pathetic

Theseus:Wegetit!

Narrator:Okay,fine.Well,onedayhegotbeatenupbysomeolderboys,pathetic.Afterthefight,hewokeupwithaseagullwaitingrightby
him.

Seagull:Youcouldhavewonthatfight!

Theseus:

How?

Seagull:Simple,Usetheirsizeagainstthem.Also,youwillsoonreceiveagift!

Theseus:Simple?Well,Iwilltryformyself!

Narrator:So,Theseuswenttotryhishandagainstthosewhoweremuchstrongerthanhim!

SceneTwo:

Olderboy1:Whatareyoudoingherepunk?

Theseus:Iamcomingtobeatyouup!

Olderboy2:Andhowdoyouplanondoingthat?

Theseus:Likethis!HAHA.

Narrator:Hethenwalkedbacktohismotherintheirpoor,pathetic

Theseus:IGETIT!

Narrator:Well,hewalkedbacktohishouse.Thenextday,hewalkedintotown,wherehisgiftawaitedhim.Inthecenteroftowntherewas
ahugestonewithaswordstuckdeepinside.Ifsomeonecouldgettheswordout,thentheyweretrulythesonofaking.

Theseus:Mama,Icangettheswordoutofthestone.

Mom:Honey,wellhowdoIputthis,well,youjust

Theseus:Spititoutmom!

Mom:Youareasweakasababy,nooffence!

Theseus:Nonetaken?Iamgoingtodoitanyhow!

Theseus:Igotthesword!Igottheswordoutofthestone!IamofftoAthens!YayYayYayYay!

SceneThree:

Theseus:Psshhhh.Thisissoeasy.Oh,look,giantscarydudewithaclub!Letshavesomefun,shallwe?

Periphetes:FeeFiFoFum,Ismellthebloodofagodsson.

Theseus:Hello,sir.Mightyfineweaponyougotthere.


Periphetes:Yes,Iknow.Itspurebrass,youknow.

Theseus:Oh,really?Areyousure?

Periphetes:OFCOURSEIMSURE!!Youknow,justforyourinsolence,IthinkIshallbashyourheadinwiththisclubmadeof
purebrass
!

Theseus:Itshallbeanhonortohavemyheadbashedinbythatmightyfineweaponofyours,sir!

Periphetes:Well,then,preparetodie!

Theseus:Hehe,sametoyou,buddy!Takethat,andthat,pow,bam,and.that

Theseus:Huh.Well,thatwasnttoohard.Ontothenextone!

Theseus:Hello,sir.Isthereafaretocrossthisfinebridge?

Sciron:Oh,yes.
You
havetowashmyfeet.

Theseus:Or?

Sciron:Getfedtomygiantpetturtle,LittleFooFoo.

Theseus:LittleFooFoo?

Sciron:Dontquestion!Nowwashmyfeet!

Theseus:Ugh.Fine.

Sciron:Ahh,yes!Dontforgettoscrubmybunions!

Theseus:Ick.Forhavingpeoplewashyourfeetallthetime,theysuredostink![mimethrowingScironintoriver]

Sciron:AHHHH!!!LittleFooFoo,NO!Please,stop!WHYYY?????

Theseus(ALL):Anotheronebitesthedust!Anotheronedown,anotheronedown.Anotheronebitesthedust!

Sinis:Oh,youngman!Couldyoupleaseholddownthistreeforme?

Theseus:Sure.Aslongasyouhavetickets.

Sinis:Towhere?

Theseus:Thegunshow!

Sinis:(sarcastically)Imusthaveleftmyticketsathome.Anyways,quitfoolingaroundandholdthistreedown!

Theseus:Illholditdownforyou.Wow!Thisthingis
heavy!!

Sinis:Humph.YourestrongerthanIthought.MaybeIbrokethetree.Imgonnacheck.

Theseus:Haha.YOUWILLREGRETTHAT!!

Theseus:Well,Iamgoingtoletgoofthistree!
Theseus:[yawn]Imtired.So,IthinkIllgorestinthatinnthatlookslikeagraveyardbarfedonit.Greatidea,self!Iwillgivemyselfapat
onthebackforthat.

Narrator:Wow.Icommendyouonyourreasoningskills.Justdontloseyourhead[laughs/cackles]!Theseuswalkeduptotheinn,which
lookedasifitwerefallingapartandcompletelyempty...Hey!Justlikehismind!Heknockedonthedoor.AmannamedProcrustesopened
thedoorandwelcomedhimin.

Procrustes:Welcome,welcome.Iknowitsnotmuch,butwehaveroomandboardhere.Itssowonderfulhere,infact,thatourdistinguished
guestsneverwanttoleave,asyoucanseeintheyardfullofcreepyskeletons!

Theseus:Ummm,thatsnice,Iguess?WouldyoumindshowingmewhereIcansleepthenight?

Narrator:So,thebrashyounghero(hespayingmetosaythat),andcraftyProcrustesmadetheirwayupthestairs.Theseusstomachsankas
theyroseupthestairshewascertainthiswasatrap.Whentheygottohisroom,Theseusnotedtheironchainsattachedtothebedpost,and
quitepossiblypeedhispants.

Theseus:Hey!

Narrator:Oh,Imsorry.Illcorrectmyself:he
did
peehispants.

Theseus:Hey!Thatsevenworse!

Procrustes:Ifyoutwoarequitefinished,I
do
haveanevilplantocarryout.

Narrator:Mymistake,Crusty.Goahead.

Procrustes:Thankyou.Anyways,Theseus,thisiswhereyoullbestaying,
forever
.

Theseus:Whatarethechainsfor?

Procrustes:Well,yousee,oncemyguestscomehere,theyneverneverwanttostay.SoIfoundawaytokeepmyguestshereforever.But,it
getstrickywhentheyaretootallortooshorttofitinthisbed.See,Idontwantmygueststobeuncomfortable.SoIdothemthecourtesyof
eitherstretchingthemorchoppingoffwhateverhangsover.

Theseus:(sarcastically)Wow,youresuchaniceguy.

Procrustes:Thankyou.Now,getonthebed!

Theseus:Imnotgoingtodothat!HAHnowlook,youareonthebedofdeath!Haveatasteofyourownmedicine,psycho!Justonemore
shackle,andthere!Now,Ijustchopofftheextrabit,andlook,yourereadyforyourstayatCrustyshotel!SinceImsuchaniceguy,Ill
doyouthecourtesyofdecapitatingyou!

SceneFour:

Narrator:So,TheseuschoppedoldCrustysheadoff,andcontinuedtoAthens.

TheseusarrivedinAthensandmetKingAegeus.WhenTheseusarrivedinAthens,hefoundthattributedaywassoon.Nowwhatistribute
dayyoumightask.Allowmetoexplain,notverylongagoinalandnotthatveryfaraway,istheislandofCrete.SometimeagotheCretans
wereatwarwiththeAthenians,theCretansbeattheAtheniansandforcedtheAthenianstopaytributetothemeveryyear.Thistribute
consistedof7ofthemostbeautifulmaidensand7ofthestrongestyoungmeninAthens.ThesepeopleweresenttotheislandofCretetoface
theMinotaurmonsterlocatedinthelabyrinth.Theseusinsistedhemustgoastribute.

Theseus:Ivolunteerastribute![raiseshandinGirlScoutsalute]

Narrator:[Mockingjaywhistle]

KingAegeus:No,Icannotletmysondieinmyweakness.

Theseus:Iamgoing,andnothingyoucansaycanstopme!

KingAegeus:Teenagers,sorebellious!

SceneFive:

Narrator:Soonaftercametributeday.Thatmorningallofthetributesloadedupontotheboatthatwassettingsailwithblacksailsand
headingfortheislandofCrete.TheseusralliedthetroopsandtaughtthemwhatheknewsotogethertheycoulddefeattheMinotaur.

Theseus:Cometome,allofyou.IwillprepareyoualltobereadyfortheMinotaur,andtrainyoutoworkwithmeonmycommandsand
signals.


Narrator:TheboatpulleduptowardstheislandofCrete.TheseusforcedaprivatemeetingwiththeKingofCrete,KingMinos.Hemetwith
thekingwithapleatostopforcingtheyearlytribute.

KingMinos:Imusthaveheardthatamilliontimes!NO!

Theseus:Sir,inallduerespect,Idontreallycarewhatyousay.Ihavearequest,andTheseushereisusedtogettinghisway!

KingMinos:Well,whatisthatrequest?

Theseus:MyrequestisthatyouwillletmyfriendsandmeoutaliveandendAthensyearlytributetoyou.

KingMinos:TheonlywaywewillnegotiateadeallikethatisifyoucankilltheMinotaur,riddingCreteofthefoulmonster.Ifandonlyif
youcandothatwillyouandyourfriendsbeletgo,andinthanks,wewillendyouryearlytribute.

Theseus:Oh,thankyougoodsir,yourhelpfulnessisgraciouslyaccepted.

KingMinos:[somewhatcuttingoffTheseus]Silence.

Theseus:[semiquietly]Sorry.

KingMinos:[againsomewhatcuttinghimoff]Isaidsilence!Thereisonemoreparttothisdeal,mypart.YouwillgetridoftheMinotaur
UNARMED!MWAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Theseus:Asyousaysirisasitwillbe.

Ariadne:OHMYGODS!!!Itshim!Imactuallymeetingthereal,liveTheseusinperson.(squeals)Pinchme,Imustbedreaming!

SisterOne:Gladly.[pinchesAriadne]Oh,sisterdear,youreallyneedtogetoutmore.Itsreallyunattractivewhenyouthrowyourselfatany
manwhopaysyoumind.

Ariadne:Well,yourejustjealousbecauseyouhaventfoundyoursoulmateyet.

SisterOne:Sure,hon.Andmysoulmateistotallygonnabesomescrawnylittleboywhocantevengrowabeard!

Ariadne:Whywouldyoueversayanythingbadaboutwonderful,amazingTheseus?

SisterOne:Look,Ari.AllImtellingyouistoslowdownabit.Youhaveplentyoftimebeforeyouhavetosettledownandgetmarried.

Ariadne:ButIdonthaveplentyoftime!Soon,Imgonnaget
old
,likesixteen!Thatswaytoooldtobeunmarried!Illbethelaughingstock
ofCrete!

SisterOne:Areyoucallingme
old?!?!?!?!?!

Ariadne:Well,Iwouldusethewordwizened

SisterOne:Youinsolentlittlebrat!

Narrator:TheseusandhisfellowAthenianswerelockedupforthenight.Theseuswasmetwithoneoftheprincesses,whohadfalleninlove
withhim.ShetoldhimshewouldhelphimescapetheLabyrinthinthemorning.Ugh,whatadumbgirltolikethatsmall,pathetic,young,
ugly,stupid,boy.Anyway,onwiththestory.InthemorningTheseuswasplacedintheouterloopofthelabyrinthandthePrincesswas
waitingaroundthefirstbend.ShewasdelightedtoseeTheseus.

Theseus:Wellheregoesnothing!

Narrator:Theseusmettheprincessandshehelpedhimfindthemonster.Theseuswasquiteafraiduponseeingthemonsterasitwasnotatall
whathehadpicturedinhismind.

Theseus:You'dbetternotsay"andhepeedhispantsagain!"

Narrator:Hewassoscared,hepeedhispantsagain.

Theseus:Arghhh!Shutyourmouth!!!

Narrator:Ohyeah,backtothestory.SobasicallyTheseusfoughttheMinotaur,pulledsomekickbuttmovesandkilledthemonster.Healso
paidmetosaythat.

Theseus:That'sright,IemergedfromtheLabyrinthvictoriousandIdiditwithPrincessAriadne'shelp.
Narrator:TheseuswenttoKingMinoswiththenews.

Theseus:Sir,Ibelievebasedonthetermsofouragreement,thereistobenomoreyearlytributeandwecanallfreelygobacktoAthens.

KingMinos:True,youmaygoback.Thankyou.

Theseus:Youarewelcome.

Narrator:OnetheboatridebackTheseuswasenjoyinghimselftoomuchtorememberhispromisetohisfather.Heforgottotellthecrewto
droptheblacksailandraiseawhiteone.Hisfathersawtheblacksailandwasthrownintoutterdespair.

KingAegeus:Isentmysontobekilledinmyweakness.Iamnotgoodasafather,notfittobeaKing,Ishalldie.

Narrator:Withthesewords,KingAegeusjumpedoffacliffanddrownedhimself.Uponhisreturnhome,TheseuswascrownedKingof
AthensandeventuallywentbacktoCreteandtookoverthethroneofCretefromMinosinadditiontotheThroneofAthens.Andthatisthe
storyofhowscrawny,stupid,andpatheticTheseuswentfromragstoriches,allbecauseofhisdeterminationandhardwork.

Characters:

Theseus:AngelinaHardin

Narrator:AllisonMendoza

KingAegeus:KatieLove

KingMinos:JacobKodicovic

Minotaur:Ella(bringhorns)

Sister:KatieLove

Periphetes(club):MiriamSaab

Sciron(feet):MauraIngraham

Sinis(tree):NoorAhmed

Procrustes(inn):HalaAhmed

Ariadne:AllisonMendoza

OlderBoyOne:David Veloso

OlderBoyTwo:LeoBurden

Seagull:JuliaCostello

Mama:OliviaSchauss