EssayFeedbackForm

Eachcommentcodelistedinthebelowchartreferstoanissueonthecorrespondinglineofthe
essay.AnyfollowuporadditionalexplanationislistedinOtherNotes(notalllineswillneed
additionalexplanation).Thecommentguidefollowsthischart.Youareto
lookup
thenoted
issuesand
correctthese
inyourwriting.

Assignment:YES!MagazineFall2015StudentEssayContest
YourEssayTitle:
YourEssayScore:
PurposeScore:
PointScore:
VoiceScore:

LineinEssay CommentCode

OtherNotes

15E

NoMLAheading

waitwhat?15,
252,640,000isnotabout48%of
48,443,000,000.youmayneed

14A

Missingintextcitationsoranycitationswhatsoeverfor
theaboveinformation.

10

11

NotsureifIamsupposedtocheckforthis,butIdont
thinkthatistrue.Myresearchshowsthatwelfare
programsdocheckthosereceivingwelfare,andonly
thosewhowork1,000hoursaweek(whenyoung,not
disabledpeopleareconcerned)areeligible.

12

13

14

NotsureifIamsupposedtocheckforthiseither,but
youwanttoincludethefactthattherearemanyfulltime
fastfoodjobs.Teenagerswhogotoschoolcannotwork
theseshifts.

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

28

11

Unusualwording

29

14A

Again,nointextcitationsorcitationsingeneral.

30

31

14A

Wordedunusuallyandalsoneedsaquestionmarkat
theendofthequote.Ifyoudontwantaquestionmark,
useacomma.

32

33

34

Butyoustatedearlierthat48%ofpeoplewhodont
workreceivewelfare(whichcontradictsyourother
numbers).48%isntthemassmajority.

35

36

37

38

39

Again,contradictswithfacts

40

Iwouldaddmoreinfoandbemoredescriptive.

41

42

43

44

Runonsentence

45

YouhavenotincludedquotesfromGeraldMitchell(I
didnteitheryet),andyouhave64wordsoverthelimit.

46

Ihavetosay,althoughIdisagreewiththepointsmade,
itiswellwritten.Goodjob!

47

48

49

50

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52

53

54

55

56

57

58

Rubric(adaptedfromMichaelClayThompsons
AdvancedAcademicWriting)

A(93100)Filletmignoncookedatmediumrare.Topqualitycontentwith3sinPurpose,
Point,andTone.Meetsallbelowrequirements.Fewgrammarerrors.

B(8592)Fine,tbonesteak.2sor3sinPurpose,Point,andTone.Fewgrammarerrors.
Appropriatestructureforpurpose,properMLAformatting,answersallpartsofprompt.Grade
levelEnglishorabove.
C(7584)Juicyhamburger.1sor2sinPurpose,Point,andTone.Mayhavesomegrammar
errorsthatdetractfrommeaning.Answersmostofprompt,butperhapsnotall.Gradelevel
English.ProperMLAformatting.Reviseandresubmit.
D(7074)Awesomeporkchop,butitsaporkchop.1sor2sinPurpose,Point,andTone.
Mayhavesomegrammarerrorsthatdetractfrommeaning.Answersmostofprompt,butnot
all.OrthispaperisnotinproperMLAformatting(automaticDperMCT
AdvancedAcademic
Writing
).Reviseandresubmit.
F(60)Thispaperdoesnotshow8thgradelevelEnglish,andtherefore,cannotreceivethe
minimumpassingscore(D)perMCT
AdvancedAcademicWriting.
Proofread,findapeereditor
toread,checktheworkagainsttheprovidedexemplars,revisework,andresubmit.

CommentGuide

Film,novel,worksofart,andlongpoemtitlesareinitalics.Also,italicizelonger
workssuchasmagazines,websites,newspapers,movies,journals,andtelevision
shows/series.

Shortpoems,shortstories,songs,andessaytitlesareinquotationmarks.Capitalize
firstandlastwordsintitlesandallotherwordsexceptthese:articles(a,an,the),
coordinatingconjunctions(fanboys),theinfinitiveuseofto.andmostprepositions
(unlesstheprepositionisusedadverbiallyoradjectivally).

Thesisismissingorvague.Yourwritingspurposeandpositionareunclear.Can
anywordorphraseinyourthesisbereplacedwithamorespecificwordorphrase
thatbetterexemplifiesyouressayspurpose?(Tab3,Sec11f)

Youressaydoesnotanswerallorsomeoftheprompt.Defineyourproblembefore
youwrite.Rereadtheprompttoseewhatyoumissed.

Youressayismissinganengaginghook.Whatotherwayscanyouhookyour
readerssothattheywanttocontinuereading?

st
nd
Shiftinperson/pov.Avoidunnecessaryshiftsto1
(I,we,us)or2
(you)person.
rd
Maintain3person(Thereader,theviewer,one,etc.)whenwritingliteraryanalyses
unlessdirectedtodootherwiseinyourassignmentsheet.1stperson(I,we,us)is
moreappropriateinpersonalessaysormemoirs.

Shiftinverbtense.Forexample,whendiscussingtheplotinfilmorliterature,
maintainpresenttense.Ifyoubegininpasttense(unlessincludingananecdote),
youshouldmaintainpasttense.Ifyoubegininpresenttense(again,unlessyou

includeananecdote),youshouldcontinueinpresenttense.
8

Shallowanalysis.Shallowanalysisisoftenaresultofusingovergeneralized
statementswithoutadequateevidencetosupportthosestatements.
Forexample,ifyouareanalyzingtheimportanceofsoundtracktocharacter
developmentin
OBrother,WhereArtThou?,
refertospecificlyricsfromaparticular
song(s)andhowthoselyricsconnecttothecharacter(s)youarediscussing.Also,
short,skimpyparagraphsoffourorlesssentencesmayindicateplacesthatcallfor
morethoughtormorematerial.ApplythePEELstrategy.Whatpartsareyou
missing?Canyousupplymoreevidence,moreexplanation,moreexampleand
illustration?(Tab2,8d)

Wordytrytoeliminateunnecessarywordsorphrasessothatyourmeaninginthis
sentenceorparagraphismoreclear(Tab10).

10

Runsonrephrasesentenceorsentencestoreducewordclutter.Divideclauses
usingsemicolonsorperiods.

11

Syntaxissueyoursentencemaynotapplyparallelsyntax,oritmaybein
Yodaspeak(Changeityoushould.)Thesyntaxorawkwardstructureaffects
meaning.

12

Overallorganizationtheessaysstructuredoesnotworkfortheintendedpurpose.
Seethetextstructurehandoutinyourbinder.Whatisyourpurpose?Whattypeof
writingmeetsyourpurpose?Whichstructurewouldworkbetter,andhowcanyou
formatyourcurrentcontentwithinthisstructure?

13

Repetitiousthisinformationhasalreadybeenstatedearlierinyouressay.

14

MLAformatforquotationsandparentheticalandWorksCitedcitations.(Tab6)
A.Parentheticalcitations(Tab6,sec.24)
B.Blockquotations(Tab6,sec.28)
Whenyoucitemorethanfourlinesofprose,useblockquotations
Whenyoucitefourormorelinesofverse(poetry),useblock
quotations
C.Quotingpoetry(Tab6,sec.24)
D.WorksCitedcitations(Tab6,sec.25)

15

MLAformatforgeneralpaper
A.UseTimesNewRoman,12pointfont
B.Doublespacetheentirepaper
C.Use1marginsonallsides
D.IntheupperleftcornerofthepageincludeaproperMLAHeading(look
thisupifyoumissedit)
E.IntheupperrightcornerofthepageincludeaMasthead(yourlastname,
space,pagenumber)onallpagesofthepaper
Beforesubmittingtypedwork,lookatthesampleMLApaperonPurdueOWLtosee
ifyourpaperisproperlyformatted.

16

Transitionyouneedtransitionsbetweenyoursentencesoryourparagraphssothat
yourideas,oryouneedmoreeffectivetransitionsflowtogether.(Tab2,8d8e)How
canyoutakeawordorideafromtheprevioussentence/paragraphandbeginyour
newsentence/paragraphwithit(tocreateanoldinformationtonewinformation
flow)?

17

Grammar/Punctuation:
A.Subject/VerbAgreement(Tab11,sec.53)
B.Pronoun/AntecedentAgreementIncorrectPronounCaseAmbiguous
Pronouns
C.CommaUse(omittedcomma,superfluouscommas,commasplice
(Tab12,secs.57,58)
D.ColonUse
E.SemicolonUse
F.EllipsesUse
G.EndSentencePunctuation
H.EasilyConfusedWordsorMisspellings
I. DanglingorMisplacedModifier
J.Fragments
K.InappropriatePassiveVoice

18

Bemorecreativewithyouressaytitle.Yourtitleshouldbemoredescriptiveofyour
thesis.Ex:CharlottePerkinsGilmansTheYellowWallpaper:FindingSelfthrough
Madness
Doesyourtitlereflectyourtopic?Doesitreflectyourpositiononthattopic?Isit
catchy?Whatclevermetaphorsordescriptionsdidyouuseinyourpaper?
(Sometimescatchytitlesarealreadythereonthepage.)

19

Youruseofquotedmaterialneedswork.
A.Introducethequoteinsomewayorconnectittothesentencethat
describesit(Tab5,sec.22).Thisisabaldquote.
B.Ineffectiveuseofaquote.Howdoesthisquoteproveyourpoint?Be
suretoanalyzequotesifyouusethem.Dontassumetheauthor
understandsyourinsinuationbyusingthequote.Also,usejustenough
materialtosupportyourownpoint.

20

WeakIntroductionIsalltheinformationinthisintroductionrelevanttoyourspecific
topic?Areanyofyoursentencesfillersentencesthatmerelytakeupspace
withoutaddinganalyticaldetailorprovidingfocusedattentiontoyourspecific
subject?(Tab3,11g)

21

WeakConclusionDomorethanmerelysummarizewhathasalreadybeenstated
inyouressay.Itneedstoanswerthesowhat?questionbysayingwhyyour
thesisaswellastheanalysisthatdevelopsitisrelevanttosociety,thereader.
Forexample,ifyourewritingaboutGilmansTheYellowWallpaper,howdoesher
th
representationofthenarratorcommenton19
centurysocietyandhowwomen

weretreatedwithinthatsociety?Also,avoidstartingyourconclusionwithphrases
likeInconclusion.Thesestatementsmerelystatetheobviousandare
unnecessary.(Tab3,sec.11i)
22

WeakTopicSentenceyourtopicsentenceshouldserveasaminithesisforthe
bodyparagraphitintroducesandshouldshowarelationshipbacktoyourprimary
thesis.(HowcanthePEELstrategyhelpyouimprovethisissue?)

Purpose(of3)

3Yourwritingspurposeisclearfromthestart.Yourpurposeis
carriedthroughouttheentirepiece.Theideas,style(writing
techniques,sentencestructures),tone(wordchoiceanddescriptions),
andstructure(howyouorganizedthework)areappropriateforyour
intendedpurpose.
2Yourwritingspurposeisclearattimes,butnotyetconsistent.
Someelementsworkforyourpurpose,butsomedonot.Workon
keepingyourpurposeconsistent.
1Yourwritingspurposeisnotclear.Youmayhavehintsofpurpose,
buttheelementsdonotworktogetherenoughtocommunicatethat
purposetoyourreader.

Point(of3)

3Yourwritinganswersallpartsofprompt,andyouransweris
thoughtprovokingand/oroffersinsighttothereader.
2Yourwritinganswersmostoralloftheprompt,buttheansweryour
provideislackinginnewinsights.
1Yourwritingdoesnotanswerallormostoftheprompt,therefore,it
cannotoffernewinsights.Thiswritingisofftopic.

Tone/Voice(of3)

3Yourwordchoice,descriptions,anduseofrhetoricaldevices
(parallelstructure,anaphoraorotherrepetition,rhetoricalquestions,
metaphor,anecdotes,varyingofsentencelengths,alliterationfor
cadence,etc.)createanauthentic,appropriatetoneforthepurpose,
andthistoneisconsistentthroughoutthepiece.
2Yourwordchoiceanddescriptionscreateamostlyappropriatetone
forthepurpose,butyoucouldapplymoretechniquesanddevicesto
strengthenthatvoiceandkeepitconsistentthroughoutthepiece.
1Yourwordchoice,descriptions,and/ortechniquesresultinatone

thatcontradictsthewritingspurpose.Yourwritingmayseemtoo
formulaic.Yourvoiceislostincontrivances.