Tuesday
21 February 2006
Published by the USSU
Communications Office.
Issue number 1098
Free
i.e Pick it up, take it away...
87.7FM You Say?
The University of Surrey’s
own Student Radio station,
GU2, is going on FM for a
month. That’s right, like
real radio stations do.
Find out more about their
schedule inside| Page 11
There’s An Election On!
This issue of barefacts
carries an election pull-
out telling you all about
the candidates | Centre
Fake News...
In the pursuit of light
entertainment barefacts
has found some ‘fake
news’. Easy, disposable
and entirely ficticious.
probably low in calories
too.| Page 5
Konsumer Revolt | All
the chips the Revolt
could find on campus
underwent the taste
challenge. Where is the
best place to get chips
on campus?| Page 7
Arts Section |Film, Music,
Gig reviews... The art
section has it all. |Page
14
Puzzles| Don’t settle for
less! Demand more from
your newspaper’s puzzle
page!| Page 23
More graduate vacancies
predicted by employers
By Marcin Stylski
News Editor
Graduate vacancies are set to rise for the
third year running, as employers fear that
graduates do not have the right social skills
to do the job, according to research published
today. In the biannual AGR graduate recruit-
ment survey, over half of the 220 companies
believe they would not be able to fill their
vacancies because graduates lacked the
necessary teamwork, leadership and commu-
nication skills.
The survey polled both the public and
private sectors, including many of the largest
graduate recruiters. It is predicted that the
number of vacancies will increase by 14.6%
to 19,496 this year - significantly higher that
last year’s rise of 5.1%. Half of the employ-
ers believe that they will take on more gradu-
ates in 2006, but others expect to hire 18%
fewer. Many of the vacancies are based in
London and the south-east, but recruitment in
the north -east is expected to rise by 50%.
A large number of recruiters will be in ac-
Students warned of card fraud
By Chris Ward
Editor
Surrey Police have recently issued a warn-
ing to all students following an incident
at the Tesco supermarket near Park Barn,
where a person using the Bank of Scotland
Cash Machine on the premises had £600
fraudulently removed from their account.
Tesco have confirmed that evidence shows
the machine was illegally clowned to record
The University of Surrey Students’ Newspaper
countancy, investment banks and law, which
would also pay the highest salaries. The
percentage increase will be in manufacturing,
engineering, sales, research and development
and IT. The AGR believes that salaries will
increase, but they will be the lowest for five
years. The predicted average salary for 2006
card details.
Barry Jakeman, Chief of Security at the
University of Surrey, said of the news: “If
you used that machine I strongly advise you
to check your account for any irregular-
ity. As always quickly check any cashpoint
machine before you insert your card, and if
you suspect anything unusual about it obvi-
ously don’t use it and report the matter to the
police.”
This news follows from the previous
Machine
without
cloning
device
detailed
to the left.
Machine
with cloning
device
detailed to
the right.
is to be £23,000 a rise of just 2.3%, com-
pared to the actual increase of 7.1% last year.
Employers do not believe that small
salaries would be a deterrent to stop univer-
sity leavers from applying. They are more
concerned with finding the right candidates
with the skills required for the job. They said
“grade inflation” at university and school
made it more difficult to select candidates
- and they were looking for graduates who
could demonstrate “softer” skills as well as
academic ability.
The chief executive of the AGR, Carl Gil-
leard, said the rise in vacancies was “good
news for the class of 2006”, but added: “Fi-
nal-year student should be aware that nearly
half of recruiters expect to face difficulties
in fulfilling recruitment objectives - with the
largest factor being a lack of applicants with
the right skills. Employers are likely to be
looking to graduates who can demonstrate
softer skills, such as team working, cultural
awareness, leadership and communication
skills, as well as academic achievement.”
comment article in barefacts last week by
Daisy Clay, a UniS student who had found
money fraudulently removed from her bank
account.
In an email sent to students by Security on
behalf of Surrey Police, images were circu-
lated of cash machines both with and with-
out card cloning devices attached. Students
are advised to take note of the differences,
and be cautious at all times.
Welcome to the future - It’s broken...
2 NEWS 21 February 2006

Editorial Team Appeal for information on missing student

All these addresses are @surrey.
ac.uk (unless otherwise
mentioned).
Editor-in-Chief
Neil Boulton: ussu.comms@
Editor
Chris Ward: cs21cw@
Deputy Editor
Joshua Bates: cs52jb@
Deputy Editor
Sophia Hawkins: li52sh@
News Editor
Marcin Stylski: li12ms@
By Marcin Stylski
News Editor
University of Surrey student Qi Wang has
gone missing and has not been seen since 15
November 2005. Qi Wang was resident at
Hazel Farm and is a second year student of
Molecular Biology. He had passed his first
year exams and his studies were going well.
Qi Wang had mentioned to friends that he
was thinking of visiting Manchester, but it is
not certain as to whether or not he made the
trip.
Barry Jakeman, Chief Security Officer
at UniS sent out a plea for information last
week, stating: “We are now very concerned
for this young man and any information
you may have regarding his whereabouts or
perhaps regarding his future intentions from
conversations you may have had with him
back in November, will be very helpful to
this enquiry.” He added that any information
can be directed to himself, or if the informant
wishes to remain anonymous, they can use
UniS Watch.
If you have seen Qi Wang since 15 Novem-
ber 2005 or have any information leading to
his whereabouts Surrey Police would like
to hear from you. Please contact PC Leah
Wilson on 0845 1252222 ext: 3447 or email:
3572@surrey.pnn.police.uk

Features Editor Editor suspended for printing cartoons

Lia Parker: ps41lp@
By Marcin Stylski support shown by the university over

Arts Editor News Editor this issue. Fosis further welcomes

the suspension of the editor and
Beth Heale: bf.arts@gmail.com
The editor of the award-winning associated staff.”

Arts Editor student publication, Gair Rhydd,

the newspaper of Cardiff’s students’
Mr Arabi added “It must be stressed
that this irresponsible decision was
Nicole Heel bf.arts@gmail.com
union has been suspended after taken by a few individuals on the

Fashion Editor deciding to print the a controversial

cartoon featuring the prophet
editorial board of the newspaper, and
is not representative of the diverse
Natalie Dowle: ms42nd@
Muhammad. The editor, along with community that exists at Cardiff

Fashion Editor three other student editors have been

suspended from the students’ union
University. The insensitive actions
of a few individuals should not,
Jamila Gangadeen: ms41jg@
pending an investigation. All copies and will not, stop the atmosphere of

Webmaster & of the paper were withdrawn from respect and tolerance that exists at

Puzzlelord distribution points “at the earliest

moment possible”, a students’ union
the university. I have always been
extremely proud to be associated with
Colin Everett: ma41ce@
spokeswoman said. the university, and will continue to

Postgraduate Members of the Islamic community be so. I urge all Muslim students to

Editor were urged to remain calm, after

the publication of the controversial
remain calm and act responsibly when
responding to the publication of the
Anne Abeygunasekera
cartoon. Omar Arabi, the chairman of cartoons.”

Proof Reader the Welsh council of the Federation of

Student Islamic Societies in the UK &
The South Wales Echo newspaper
has reported that the suspended editor
Toby Shannon
Eire (Fosis), condemned the decision of Gair Rhydd is ‘devastated’ and
Adverts & the like to print the images in Gair Rhydd, the has returned to his parents home in
Aaron Salins: a.salins@ newspaper of Cardiff’s students’ union, but appealed for restraint. A England. The former deputy editor of Gair Rhydd added “He’s been
spokesman for Fosis said: “This move was extremely irresponsible suspended so he’s not allowed on university ground. I have spoken
in the current climate, and will serve to only heighten feelings of to him today and he’s devastated, as everyone is. The turnaround
frustration and emotion among Muslim students.” on those papers is so quick that snap decisions are made and when
Contributors The spokesman went on to say, “Having consulted with both the snap decisions are made, so are mistakes. It was pulled as soon as
Pete Natress university and students’ union, we understand that some copies of the possible.”
David Hynds publication were distributed before the students’ union withdrew all
Helen Balewski remaining copies from circulation. Fosis welcomes this move and the barefacts@ussu.co.uk
Sarah Horsley
Patrick Hunter
Do you have a complaint against this newspaper? barefacts is an editorially independant newspa- Contributions must be submitted
Richard Sharp per and is published by The University of Sur- by the Monday before publication
James Donovan If you have a complaint about any item in this newspaper which contains inaccuracy, rey Students’ Union Communications Office. date to guarantee publication and
harrassment, intrusion, or discrimination write to our editorial team about it. If you The views expressed within the paper are those may be edited at the discretion of the
Sam Carney remain dissatisfied please contact the Press Complaints Commission - an independent of the individual authors and do not neces- editorial team. Please send them to
Thomas Asdell organisation established to uphold an editorial Code of Practice for the Press. This sarily represent the views of the Editor, the barefacts@ussu.co.uk.
newspaper will abide by their decision. University of Surrey Students’ Union or the
Jake South University of Surrey.
Ollie Ghaney Press Complains Commission barefacts
1 Salisbury Square barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions
Cazza Dee Union House
London EC4Y 8JB University of Surrey Students’ Union
Martin Pezet Telephone: 020 7353 1248 barefacts@ussu.co.uk Guildford
Lucy Pope Facsimile: 020 7353 8351 www.ussu.co.uk Surrey
Copyright USSU Communications Office 2006 GU2 7XH
21 February 2006
A major success: Lecturers to strike
the inaugural debate
By Marcin Stylski and Kem KG Anyalezu
The first debate held by the Debating Group
in conjunction with the Student’s Union on
7 February 2006 was a great success. The
motion debated was very close to home and
slightly controversial: ‘This House believes
that if the University students want an
effective and efficient Union, they should
hand it over to the private sector’. A group of
postgraduates and undergraduates established
the debating group across campus with help
from the Student’s Union. The turnout on
Tuesday was good. In terms of the order of
proceedings, there was also a clear guideline
in place to ensure the smooth running of
the debate. As with all good debates, time
restrictions were in place on both groups
to ensure orderly proceeding of the debate.
The structured of debate was so good that it
provided slots for the audience to take part in
the debate. Although opposition managed to
get the nod of the house against the motion
that evening, but who knows what will happen
Letters to barefacts
Your chance to get your views across. Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their pres-
ence in the next newspaper. They may be edited for length or clarity | barefacts@ussu.co.uk
Conservatives back
in the lead
Dear barefacts,
The election of David Cameron as Leader
of the Conservative Party seems to have had
a significant impact on the party’s fortunes.
In his new year message to party members,
Mr Cameron said 2006 would be a “year
of transformation” in British politics.
Barely a few weeks into 2006, and the
“transformation” he forecasted has already
begun in earnest:
The ‘whiter than white’ Lib Dems are
in total meltdown - scandal after scandal
has left the 3rd place party on their lowest
opinion-poll rating since the early 1990s.
The Labour Government has lost its
authority - Prime Minister Tony Blair’s
reform programme is in chaos, with over
100 of his party’s MPs planning to vote
against the government’s education bill.
And the Conservatives have finally
escaped Margaret Thatcher’s shadow. The
party has finally accepted that elections are
won in the centre ground of politics.
It’s only 8 weeks since Mr Cameron
NEWS / LETTERS
next time? The Debating Group hopes to
become a society soon and to compete at
competitions with other universities. The
Group will be holding their next debate
during the debating week, along with all the
other planned activities. If you are interested
in joining in the Debating Group or to find
out about future events, please contact Kem
if you have any questions or email him:
n.anyalezu@surrey.ac.uk or call (68)2778.
became Leader, yet all the opinion polls
put the Conservatives comfortably ahead of
Labour. A poll carried out by ‘MORI’ before
Christmas put the Conservatives on 40%
with Labour on 31% (a lead of 9%).
One group of voters, to whom the party
needs to pay serious attention if it is to
win power, is young people - students
in particular. The student vote in many
constituencies around the country, including
our very own (Guildford), could determine
the result at the next General Election.
I hope UniS students realise that their
votes do count!
Yours sincerely
Marcin Stylski
One Stop failing to
serve
Dear barefacts,
Many of the students at Surrey will be
perfectly aware of the “last alternative”
status our One Stop shop possesses. The
By Chris Ward
Editor
Final year students around the country
are in danger of not graduating after
members of Natfhe and the Association
of University Teachers have voted to take
industrial action over failed pay talks.
This follows on from recent talks between
the unions and their employers that fell
apart after lecturers demanded a third of
the new income that would be received
from the £3,000 variable top up fees from
September onwards.
On 17th February, the Unions stated:
“Millions of students could be left
with coursework unmarked, lectures
and seminars cancelled and their exam
programmes thrown into chaos if a pay
deal cannot be reached.”
Paul Mackney, the general secretary
of Natfhe, said: “This is a strong
mandate for action and shows the level
of dissatisfaction throughout higher
education. Employers must respond
immediately with an offer - not talks about
talks - if they are to prevent disruption.
service leaves much to be desired, and I
would question whether or not the layout of
the store contavenes legislation on disabled
access - there is barely enough room to walk
around in there. God knows what would
happen if there were to be a fire or the like
and customers would be clambering to get
out.
However, after being a student here for
over three years, I have come to accept
that you shouldn’t expect brilliant service
from One Stop, but after an incident that
happened a few days ago, I have decided
that One Stop have finally pushed it too far.
I turned up at 9:50pm and they were not
letting anybody else in, despite advertising
quite clearly on their door that they were
open till 10pm. The lady who prevented me
entering simply told me that there were too
many customers in the store, and they had to
stop serving at 10pm on the dot.
This is absolutely unacceptable. If they
wish to leave a margin of error to ensure
they do finish trading at 10pm, then perhaps
they could advertise that they won’t let
anybody else in after 9:45pm. To advertise
opening hours and not allow customers in
is false advertising - if they have too many
3
More than £3.5bn of extra funding starts
to enter the sector this year - ample to
begin restoring academic salaries. The
Bett inquiry established the case, Tony
Blair acknowledged it, the government has
increased funding and vice-chancellors
promised to use fees to improve pay. It’s
time to come up with the cash.”
Sally Hunt, general secretary of the
AUT added that “university staff do not
appreciate being lied to and today they
have said that enough is enough.”
However, Dr Geoffrey Copland, the
Chairman of the Universities and Colleges
Employers Association (Ucea) argued that
only a minority of union members were
actually in favour of strike action: “Despite
campaigning hard for disruption rather
than dialogue the academic unions have
gained support for strikes and other action
from only a minority of their members,
and from much smaller proportions of
all academic staff.” He added: “The
academic unions seem determined to
rebuff dialogue at every opportunity in
favour of disruption to students.”
customers, then I suggest they get off their
backsides, use a crowbar to open their
wallets, and employ more staff - how many
times have you been in a One Stop queue
trailing the entire circumference of the shop
with only one assistant serving?
I would also question their “open
everyday” banner outside their shop. This,
once again, is not true. During the summer
or Christmas periods, it is not “open
everyday”, and the fact that One Stop feel
they can reap the benefits of trading on a
student campus, yet not offer a service to
postgraduates or students still on campus
when the place is not so busy is absolutely
outrageous. Yes, maybe they will reply and
argue that it is reasonable to stop letting
students in so they can close early, and they
may comment that it is at their discretion.
However, they should not be advertising that
they are “open everyday” when in fact, they
are not.
Get it sorted One Stop. There’s only so
much the students at this university will
take.
Name and address provided.
4 COMMENT 21 February 2006

Last orders for smokers

The law has finally been passed. Soon you will not be able to smoke in Chancellors, Rubix, Roots, and any other pub or club in
town. barefacts Editor Chris Ward gives an overview of the arguments given for and against over the past year, and explores the
implications the ban may have on you.
Last week, the House of Commons passed One thing that rather got to me when I was
legislation banning smoking in all enclosed arguing against the ban was the fact that peo-
public places as opposed to the more leni- ple assumed I was a disgruntled smoker that
ent law previously planned to allow smoking had absolutely no concern for the health of
only in pubs that didn’t serve food. Like anyothers. Incorrect. In fact, I am an adamant
form of “ban”, this one sparked up (excuse non-smoker. My family have a long histo-
the pun) an extremely controversial debate. ry of cancer deaths, and from a young age I
Some argued that by banning smoking in vowed that I would never touch the stuff – I
public places we were being draconian to the wanted to appreciate the good health that was
British people on what they can or cannot do denied to many members of my family. I too,
with their own health. Others argued that will admit that nothing annoys me more than
there should have been designated pubs for those smokers who reckon they can dance
people to go if they wished to have a ciga- on a packed dancefloor, almost as if they’re
rette. Of course, there were many different cheerleading with that lit fag in their hand.
sides of this coin. However, what’s done is So, taking that into account, why disagree
done, and now we look to the future – this with a smoking ban if the health benefits for
law will certainly alter our society in an epic
society are immense?
way. 1,000 people die in the UK each year
I will admit, I was not in favour of a smoking
from passive smoking. A very persuasive
ban when it was argument – why
first suggested
over a year ago.
“...I think we can all agree should customers
and staff have to
Since then, my that in ten or fifteen years put up with pas-
opinion
changed,
has
but
time, we’ll look back and sive smoking
when the statis-
I have often shudder at the way we tics are alarming?
found myself
divided on the
chose to damage our I asked a different
question – taking
matter. After health in such a manner.” into account the
most of my amount of booze-
smoking acquaintances started arguing with related deaths, should we ban alcohol? The
me that a ban would be a good thing, it felt usual smug response would be that there is
like I was arguing for a lost cause. How can no such thing as “passive alcoholism”. Well,
a ban be draconian when those who will be the answer to that one is simple. How many
“negatively” affected by it happen to agree deaths occur each year as a result of a drunk
with it? Still, I was certain there were those
person bringing harm to other sober citizens
to see. However, there are other places, like they can smoke – and with the summer com-
who disagreed with it – those who enjoyed by either drunk driving or drink-related vio-
one particular restaurant at the top of town for ing, this will be fairly significant. Obviously,
smoking and didn’t want to be a stigmatised lence? Did that suggest I wanted alcohol
example, where the height and size of the en- pubs and clubs in town will become smoke
group in society. I personally felt that theybanned as well? Certainly not, I just wanted
closed area is so vast, you can sit next to the free. It will be interesting, however, to see
deserved some sort of representation – so thethose who argued for the smoking ban to take
smoking area and not even realise it. Surely if more drink is consumed as a sort of tem-
argument went on. into consideration that their excuses were
in some cases, a compromise could be avail- porary short-term withdrawal symptom from
not as well-thought-out
able – once you have established that staff smoking in a club or a bar.
as they originally be-
and customers are safe, surely it’s up to the So, in this argument between the rights of
lieved.
smoking customers to decide whether or not smokers who wish to socialise in a smoking
There are some places
they want to destroy their lungs? atmosphere vs the rights of those who wish
you will go where ciga-
So, what will the smoking ban mean for to be able to socialise without the dangers of
rette smoke is a clear
students at the University of Surrey? Well, passive smoke and the rather irritating ten-
irritant. One particular
Rubix, Chancellors, Roots, etc. will be 100% dency for clothes to stink of second-hand
club in Kingston springs
smoke-free, although you will be able to tobacco the next morning, the verdict has
to mind – I had to leave
smoke in the Channies beer garden. As a clearly been decided. It works in Northern
it an hour earlier than I
small aside, it’s worth noting that pubs that Ireland, so I’m inclined to let it pass and see
would have simply be-
do have beer gardens will be in a much better how it does. It has been disappointing by
cause the smoke-filled
state commercially once the ban comes into which no compromise has been reached on
atmosphere had be-
place. Those who insist on smoking whilst the matter, but I think we can all agree that in
come so pungent, my
drinking a beer and chatting with friends as ten or fifteen years time, we’ll look back and
eyes were in total pain
opposed to being happy with popping out for shudder at the way we chose to damage our
and I found it difficult
No longer welcome in pubs and clubs a quick cigarette will all flock to places where health in such a manner.
21 February 2006 NOT NEWS 5
Pete Nattress believes that barefacts takes life too seriously. So, we introduce a few of his satirical masterpieces.
However, we would like to insist... this is NOT NEWS... these events definitely did not happen.

Elephant runs amok on university campus

An escaped elephant has caused mass destruction and mayhem on the University of Accommodation Office is
Surrey’s main Stag Hill campus. The beast, which was identified as being a fully grown issuing all students living
15000 pound African elephant, has been arrested and is currently being questioned by Surrey on campus with a live
Police. The rampage left several students severely shaken, but no cats were hurt. mouse to ward off any
The origins of the elephant are presently unknown, but it is believe it may have escaped more of the lovable grey
from the PATS building, where music students were reported to be working on developing menaces. Tom Stevens
“the world’s largest trombone”. No musicians were available for comment as of press time. explained the logic behind
Over the course of two hours on the loose, the elephant managed to inflict substantial this decision. “The mouse
damage around the campus, including urinating in the Management School fountain and is the elephant’s sworn
reducing the Stag Hill accommodation to a dump, though some pundits speculate this had enemy,” he said. “Elephants
happened long before the elephant escaped. fear mice more than man
The appearance of the elephant has baffled local biologists, among them Tom Stevens, 27. fears the sun.”
“Usually we’d expect African elephants to inhabit the savannah or the Serengeti, so to find Meanwhile, students
one in Guildford is highly irregular,” Stevens observed. “It may have flown over here using are struggling to come to
its stupid looking big ears. I’m pretty sure they can fly, can’t they? Let me look it up.” terms with the sight of an
The elephant was eventually captured after UniS security personnel concocted a fiendish elephant rampaging around the university. “I didn’t actually see it,” laughed one, who wishes
plan involving cakes, balloons and a clown. Using these items, they threw the elephant to remain anonymous. “I did,” added his friend, “but I wasn’t too shocked. This sort of thing
a fabulous tea party, which subdued it long enough for a trained hunter to shoot it in the happens all the time in Woking. I think people are making a big deal out of nothing, it’s just
face with a tranquiliser dart. To prevent the dangers of elephant attack in the future, the a f**king elephant.”

Bear Facts magazine ‘Nobody Cares’

to sue barefacts About Results of
New Apathy Study
Popular weekly Bear Facts, the
magazine by bears for bears, has
initiated legal proceedings against
UniS newspaper Barefacts, citing
trademark infringement. In a statement
on Tuesday, Bear Facts owner Jake
Grizzly remarked that, “Barefacts
has been dragging the reputation of
our magazine down, causing great
confusion and in some cases acute
distress for our readers”.
The dispute stems from the phonetic
similarity between the names of the
publications, which offer strikingly different
content. Bear Facts features practical living
tips for today’s modern bear, with recent
articles including “Avoiding Ray Mears” and
“Is Early Hibernation for You?”. Conversely,
Barefacts mainly contains titillation, scandal
and unfounded rumours about members of
the Student Union.
“Bear Facts requests that Barefacts
renames itself to something more
appropriate, for instance ‘Nakedfacts’,”
added Grizzly, who also used the conference
to criticise the growing number of deadly
bear traps which have been springing up
around Guildford. Mr Grizzly left the
building mumbling that it felt like somebody
had been sat in his chair before him.
Results of a new study released last week
by the University of Surrey’s Psychology
department have been met with “disinterest
and indifference from the student
populace”, it was revealed today.
Third-year psychology student Sarah
Collins, 21, who ran the study as part of an
ongoing project, is not surprised. “This sort
of attitude is typical,” said Collins, adding,
“I don’t really care what people think about
my study anyway.”
Collins’ report of the study makes for
similarly uninspiring reading. In it, she
outlines stuff she did and things she found,
or something like that. Barefacts reporter
Pete Nattress was quoted as saying that
the report was “poorly written, lacking
in interest and generally a complete
snoozefest.” Furthermore, the report was
printed on poor quality paper, and exhibited
a complete disregard for typographical and
layout skills.
Collins’ lecturer, Dr Andrew Smith,
also commented on the study, saying that,
“whilst it is a fair study, it is inconceivable
that anybody would care about it in the
slightest. Sarah is one of our better students
but she is certainly also one of the most
boring. Her work lacks flair and originality
and I honestly can’t foresee a bright future
for her, or any of my students for that
matter.” Smith declined to make further
comment on the study, claiming that he just
could not be bothered to say any more.

Have you checked the election pull-out yet?

You really should you know... don’t hesitate!
6 ROOM 101 & FOOD 21 February 2006

ROOM
David Hynds, curator of barefacts’ own Room 101, takes back to the pit of despair...
This article doesn’t write itself you know; it needs people like you, the dear reader. So keep your Room 101 suggestions coming in;

101
email me: mu21dh@surrey.ac.uk, with ‘Room 101’ as the subject title.
This week has been pretty busy for me, let me tell you. I’ve been most of my week in the Electric Theatre, in the band for Titanic
the Musical. The show, I have been told, is going down well! Annoyingly though, the theatre is right next to Spoons (Lloyds),
and I needed a change from eating there, so went to a little café up an alley. I had the soup of the day, which on that day was Oasis
Soup. I asked the waiter why it was called Oasis Soup, it just seemed like an ordinary tomato soup, and he said it was because
“You got a Roll with it!”

This fortnight, we are joined by Helen Balewski, 20, who is a first year Music Student. Here are her suggestions for the pit of despair that is Room 101.

1. For Fork’s Sake - why are there
no forks, a few knives and a mound
of spoons in Roots?! Whenever you
go in for food you have to scout
around the extremities of the place,
looking like a flid walking round for
what looks like no reason trying to
find a fork to eat your meal with. I
understand that at lunch there will
be less there…but surely the staff should make extra effort to get
them back out ASAP so that we can eat!
Such is the selection of food offered at Roots, that it seems that all
meals can be eaten with just a fork – even the soup! (Joke). I myself
have noticed the absence of forks, but then I go ahead and ask
an employee of Roots to provide some – thus avoiding the ‘flid’
making. Agreed, however, is the fact that they should have a quick
turnaround of fork replacement.
On the other hand, I can’t quite see what part of this suggestion
I can put into Room 101; forks? The staff at Roots? Roots itself? I
dunno, I’ll play it safe and leave it out of Room 101. Sorry Helen.
4. PeOpLe WhO tYpE lIkE tHiS – It’s just a hassle! What’s the point? It’s
just disorientating and takes an age just to write HeLlO, mY nAmE iS
hElEn…. Get a grip! It’s not good sentencing, it’s bewildering and is
time wasting. You wouldn’t hand anything in like that…you wouldn’t
write it in hand writing, so why e-mail and text in it?! Grrrrr
This reminds me of the suggestion of Ben Donnelly from way back
before Christmas. He succeeded in getting Textspeak banished
to the depths of Room 101. This is a similar sort of Bastardisation of
English, and for me to fully stick by my guns; I have to banish it to
Room 101. Straightaway.
2. People who can’t/ won’t admit they are wrong – WHEN THEY BLATANTLY
ARE! They try and do everything they can in their power to blame someone
else when they know it was them who was wrong. They blame people around
them and pick fault with little pointless things that have no real relevance to
the thing overall. Take responsibility.
3. Tunnel vision – People who try to argue with you, conversationally, they put
their point across then void yours! They only see their belief as being right and
everyone else as being wrong. Ignorant people who are so closed minded
they think they are so right, it’s left.
Firstly, I’ve bunched these two together as they kinda represent the same
idea. Secondly, it has to be said that on occasions, there comes a situation
in which someone who seems to be BLATANTLY wrong isn’t at all. Their
stubbornness is all the more necessary in situations like this. I hate to admit it,
but sometimes you come across a person who is right all the time. Therefore,
I have to leave this out, in order that this person (he does exist) can function
still.
5. Buffet Shopping – When people eat food in Tesco (not Tesco’s…unless
you go to more than one!) or any other grocery outlet, then pay for the
packaging…what’s the point?! It’s just the buffet then! Eat before you go, or
when you get back. Don’t eat the food you’re trying to buy and then pay
for the packaging
This definitely annoys me too, along with people who eat grapes before
paying what they haven’t eaten. I used to work at Tesco’s, and the number
of people who came through my checkout (especially at lunchtimes) with
just the wrappers from what was left from their ‘lunch-on-the-go’. I think that
this sort of behaviour comes from the nation’s obsession with getting on with
things, and the general speed of society. As a person who is old-fashioned in
his beliefs on life, I have to say that Buffet Shopping – as a by-product of this
– has to go straight into Room 101. Hit the nail on the head there Helen.

2 of Helen’s suggestions go into Room 101 this time round. If you have a selection that
could chill my blood; send it in – I know you have some. See below for more details on
how to do so.
Have you anything you would like to permanently get rid of? If so, email mu21dh@surrey.
ac.uk, with ‘Room 101’ in the subject line. Don’t forget to write a little about yourself, and
ensure that your choices are explained fully.
It is the columnist’s right to edit entries as he deems fit, so it would be most useful if
explanations are lengthy, and in detail. Barefacts and the columnist will ensure that the
majority of your contributions are used, however; if suggestions are in any way derogatory,
then they shall be omitted.
Remember, keep it clean.

Pancake Day is coming soon the pan thinly and fry until just set on top. Shake the pan occasionally to
(28th February, don’tcha know...) prevent it from sticking. Either toss the pancake in the air or flip it with a fish
slice. Fry for a few more minutes on the other side then turn the pancake
Recipe for 6 to 8 pancakes: out onto a plate. Repeat for as many pancakes as the mix will make.
100g plain flour
1 egg Topping ideas:
300ml milk Lemon and sugar
Oil for frying Any kind of fresh or tinned fruit
Icecream and maple syrup
Put the flour in a bowl, add the egg and beat it in. Gradually add the milk Chocolate, strawberry or treacle sauce
and beat it into a smooth batter using either a fork or an electric whisk. Honey
Heat a frying pan and add a tsp of oil. Pour in enough batter to cover Jam or marmalade
21 February 2006 KONSUMER REVOLT 7
barefacts very own attempt at a consumer testing
section. We were aiming for interesting and
informative...
by Neil Boulton
The � . So the Revolt decided to come down from it’s tower
and take it’s work to the avenues of campus, the heart of student amblings here at Surrey… and it’s target, was chips. Deemed the most popular snack food on campus (not to mention the
most rea� fs and rewarding each with a ‘Yay’ or a ‘nay’ vote. A
‘Yay’ indicating they are chip worth ingesting, and a ‘Nay’ indicating a less favourable experience.
The experience was interesting, especially as we were used to�
were devoured in the pursuit of Consumer-orientated science. If you, fellow consumer, have thought “Those Konsumer people should try testing this out…”, we welcome your ideas with
arms wide open and minds reeling. E-mail them to ussu.barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
Comments: (Comments in this Italic style are Susan’s extra Seasons Rushes W’tes House Roots Chancellors
comments, oh the perks of being the Revolts scribe...)

Seasons – 90p
Special: Weird texture, very floury. Salt and Vinegar. Special
Tree: “Where are my chips” “Don’t they know who I am”. Not
very crispy, tasteless.
Susan: I’d be happy with them.
Thong: Bland! “I prefer it hard” dislikes sogginess.
Bertrand: Needs lots more salt.
3/3: They are cafeteria chips, tastes like secondary school. Tree

Rushes – 90p
Special: Possibly also made of chipboard.
Tree: Maybe it’s made of chipboard, Pete learn shorthand.
Susan: Had to clear the table. Cardboard. Like the vinegar. That
one was rubber.
Susan
Thong: Has all the charm of Ian Duncan Smith. (Those famous
political twins.)
Bertrand: Disappointing. These taste not nice. (Beautiful use of
language there Bertie)
3/3: “That’s nothing to do with chips” (don’t ask) “The service
Thong
station chips.”

Wates House – 80p

Special: Ahh, the first actual chips.
Tree: Very oily, though getting better as they dry out.
Susan: Good. (I’m sure I must have said more than that, Who Bertrand
asked Special to scribe… His handwriting is appalling!)
Thong: Best so far. Good value.
Bertrand: Seems like (… anything else?!)
3/3: Pub chips.

Roots – £1.25p (Ouch – Waiter service = 35p) 3/3

Special: Good crispiness, but tastes of fish.
Tree: Argh, green shit! (Tree is eternally displeased by green-
parsley-like stuff on his chips). Seasons chips with added
“green”. Slightly Fishy.
Susan: Good but greasy.
Thong: Fishy. Crispy. (It’s only a guess, but I think thong said Outsider
more than two words during our brief visit to Roots.)
Bertrand: Good chips. (Really stretching the vocabulary there...

2 1 6 3 0
Again)
3/3: Nothing wrong but had better. Total

Chancellors – £1.10
Special: I’m sure there is a taste here somewhere.
Tree: Biggest portion yet... (can’t argue with that – would you
rather have an ounce of Gold, or a pound of turd)
Susan:Too hard in the middle, but edible with mayo.
Thong:Cooled outside, not inside.
Bertrand :Different... but not better.
3/3:No words to describe.
(at this point somone near by, recognising us as The Konsumer
Revolt, joined in...)
Outsider: They’re bad!
.
RESULT: Well, we have the luxury of a clear winner this week
– Wates House, providing not only great value chips, but tasty
ones at that. Congratualtions, Chip Commander! The chips from
Chancellors were a tad bizarre… they had the appearance of
being thoroughly cooked on the outside, but the insides weren’t.
Most of the eateries were University run, and we reasoned that
probably meant the same kind of chips were used across campus.
We didn’t go as far as to investigate this hypothesis, but if true, it
makes the wild variance in the chips scores very interesting.
Chips, an example of.
8 AGONY NIECE
Agony Niece
Q. My sister isn’t at uni and she is finding it hard to get work
at the moment. She keeps asking me to lend her money.
She owes me over a thousand pounds right now. She says I
shouldn’t worry about it as I have an interest-free overdraft
and that she’ll pay me back. I feel like I have to help her, as
she doesn’t want to admit to our parents that she’s skint, and
she has nowhere else to turn. How do I get her to stop taking
my money?
A. With one simple word; “no”. Tell your sister she can’t
have anymore money as she has taken all you had. While
she is able to get free money, she is less likely to search for
a job. If you won’t give her the money, it might force her to
talk to your parents, as I’m sure they would want to know
if their daughter was in financial trouble, and would do as
much as they could to help.
Q. I had been with my boyfriend for a couple of years until
we broke up last month. I was unhappy but decided to
bounce back with a trip to the union with my flatmates. I
got talking to this boy and we seemed to hit it off. After he
kissed me I asked him out. He laughed and walked away.
Now my confidence is shot. I don’t know what I did wrong!
A. You scared the poor boy away! I doubt he was looking
for a relationship; just a bit of fun. Why are you so keen to
get back into a relationship anyway? If you’ve been with
someone for so long, why not enjoy being single for a while?
You could spend more time with your flatmates, have girlie
nights in, go clubbing and pull random guys. Just don’t go
asking all of them out!
Q. This girl I like has finally agreed to go out with me.
I’ve been asking her out for months and she hasn’t said yes
until now. We agreed to go to the cinema together as she
said there is a new film out that she wants to see. It wasn’t
until a few days later that I realised it was a horror film. As
embarrassing as this sounds, I don’t like horror films, as I’m
not a fan of anything gory. I feel so lucky that she’s agreed to
go out with me, but I don’t want to humiliate myself, or pass
21 February 2006
Have you got a problem for the Agony Niece? Send
them to bfagonyniece@hotmail.co.uk
up this opportunity. Help!!!
A. If you feel you can’t grin and bear it, you will have to
arrange another date. However, she will probably want to
know why you can’t make it. You may want to lie about that.
Perhaps you had other arrangements that you cannot get out
of. And to make it up to her, you could offer to take her out
to dinner. It will cost you more but at least she will know
that she means something to you.
Q. My friend thinks he’s been abducted by aliens. At first
I thought he was just saying this because he was drunk, or
thought it was a way to pull. Now he has become obsessed
with it. He keeps avoiding people, and spends a lot of time
on the internet looking up conspiracy theories. At first it was
funny but now as I realise he is more serious, it is starting to
scare me.
A. *Tries to resist mentioning probing*. Has your friend
been taking any drugs recently? Perhaps he is still going
on about it because it’s a laugh, or because it’s a way to get
attention. Or he could be researching it because his joke
made him interested in the subject. If you genuinely think
he is serious about it, perhaps you could convince him to go
and talk to someone about it. And no, that doesn’t mean he
should phone home.
Got a problem? Why not send the Agony Niece an e-mail at
bfagonyniece@hotmail.co.uk
Have you
forgotten
to SSHH!?
21 February 2006 STUDENTS’ UNION 9
The big item for the Students’ Union page this edition is
the climax of the BIG Vote Sabbatical Elections, put as
that has it’s own pull-out supplement devoted to it what
follows is just abrief overview of the election events
over the next, all important, fortnight!
Campaigning has begun! The next 2 weeks are the most crucial in the BIG Vote
’06 sabbatical elections. This is the week when the 10 candidates will all be out
and about crusading for your vote.

This is your chance to decide

The election pull-out is in the middle of this very paper (it’s in the middle of the
Ents planner, pages 12 & 13). Contained within it’s luscious 8 pages are details
on how to vote, where to vote and the candidates manifestos.

Make sure you don’t miss: who runs your Students’ Union
Candidates Showdown
Monday 27th February in Chancellors, from 7:00pm
for the next Academic year
Make sure you don’t waste it!
Polls open go to ussu.co.uk/elections
Tuesday 28th February at 10:00am

Polls close
Thursday 2nd March at 8:00pm

Free money advice without the lectures

Talk to a Student and Graduate Relationship

Manager at Barclays
Call Lindsay or Marion on 01483 704331 to make an
appointment. (You don’t have to be a Barclays Customer)

Next Appointment date: Thursday 2nd March

Barclays Bank PLC is authorised and regulated by

the Financial Service Authority.
Registered in England. Registered No: 1026167
Registered Office: 1 Churchill Place, London E14 5HP Now there’s a thought
10 STUDENTS’ UNION 21 February 2006

WASTING ENERGY
IS LIKE DOING THIS
WITH YOUR MONEY:

87
87
87
8
8
8

H T S O F F
N L IG D o w n
TUR m p u te r s
Shu t C o M o n e y
Sa v e
University of Surrey Students’ Union & UniS
Energy Conservation starts on Campus
 21 February 2006 STUDENTS’ UNION 11
GU2 - One Month Of FM - 87.7FM
What’s This All About Then? in town, and half of GU2 being thrown out of Tescos for students of the University of Surrey by your fellow students
Its that time of year again, spring is in the air, the birds doing the Cha-Cha Slide in their fruit and veg aisle, live on and so we’ll be in tune with your life and experiences here at
are singing in the trees, the Easter Eggs are in the shops air. Our first outside broadcast this year has been confirmed Surrey, and in Guildford, and 87.7FM GU2 has everything
(already!) and GU2 is moving onto FM for a month. Usually as Cyclone’s 4th Birthday party down in the HRB on you’ll need to get you through your day. We’re always in
GU2 broadcasts throughout the year on 1350AM to campus Saturday the 25th of February, plus more to be confirmed. touch with what’s going on on and around campus, because
and across the web at www.gu2.co.uk. But once every We’ve also got lots of competitions with top prizes such as we’re in the middle of it ourselves. Whether its music, chat,
academic year we move onto FM for one month and are music albums, Surrey Uni merchandise, tickets for Union news or comedy we’ll keep you entertained 24/7 on 87.7FM.
given the chance to broadcast beyond campus, to Guildford nights, and free meals in town, running throughout the
and the surroundings area. This year we’ll be in crystal clear month. Who’s On, And When?
stereo quality on 87.7FM from Friday the 24th of February
F M 8
For FM schedule will be undergoing a slight change to what7 .7FM
to 23rd March. The FM period is a chance for GU2’s finest What Is GU2?
7 . 7 FM 87.7
it has previously been like since the start of the year. We
8 8 7.7FM
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presenters to showcase their talents to a wider audience, and GU2 is not just the postcode for the University, its YOUR play a wide variety of music and have a broad spectrum of
8 7 . 7 FMlocated 8 7 . 7 8 7 .7FM
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8 updates on when and where our outside broadcasts will be coming
from. You’ll also find a new version of our radio player allowing
you to listen live across the internet and view webcam images of the
studios and office.

Want To Get Involved?

GU2 is run by Surrey students and is open to anyone who has ever
seen themself as a radio presenter or would like to become involved
behind the scenes. To get involved with GU2 either as a presenter, or
a member of the music, news, marketing or technical team, check out
www.gu2.co.uk or come along to our weekly meetings, every Thursday
evening at 6.15pm in Lecture Thearte G.

Sarah Horsley
12 IT’S THE ENTS PLANNER! 21 February 2006
The Not-so-new-but-just-as-useful USSU e-News Letter!
Yep, some of you may already have read this stirling piece of information delivery, others haven’t. Basically
much like Grapevine supplies you with all you Union Entertainment news, The USSU newsletter provides
you with all your general students’ union news & info: Sign up today (identically to grapevine) at ussu.co.uk/
grapevine

February 21st - February 27th

ll ll
:
s t time
Tuesday Chance or’s Cha enge: r i z e
1st P £??...
La

r g e t to
21st USSU attempt to run a quiz! in Chancellor’s no less!
8pm - £1 per person in a team
D o n ’t Fo en...
g AP
All entry money goes towards the Quiz Cash Prize!
Bri n

Wednsday
22nd
Open Mic Night in Chance l l or’s
Thursday
23rd
Go Commando
Friday £2 Advance,
£3 before 10:30pm
24th £4 afterwards
No-Wave (Rock, Punk, Indie, Metal)
in the HRB

Saturday SALSA NIGHT Cyclone in the HRB

(Dance Music Society)
ussu.co.uk/grapevine
The 150: Tickets £1.50
25th Learn to Salsa in Rubix
9pm-11pm
from the Union Shop
9pm - 2am

LIVE MUSIC:

Sunday [SPUNGE]
The Mercury League

26th & Duff Muffin

£4 - 7:30pm Rubix

Chancellor’s Cocktail
Monday Night & Elections
Question Time (7pm)
27th (Grill the candidates in the upcoming sabbatical
elections... and hear what they have to say too...)
21 February 2006 THE BIG VOTE WEEK OF FURY! 13
Court Receptions
WHEN & WHERE TO VOTE! Tuesday 28th February 6pm - 8pm
Don’t miss your chance to shape the future!
Wednesday 1st March 6pm - 8pm
Lecture Theatre Concourse Library Thursday 2nd March 6pm - 8pm
Tuesday 28th February 10am - 8pm Tuesday 28th February 12noon - 5pm
Wednesday 1st March 10am - 6pm Wednesday 1st March 10am - 4pm Rubix
Thursday 2nd March 10am - 8pm Thursday 2nd March 10am - 8pm Wednesday 1st March 9pm – 12midnight

February 28th - March 6th

featuring:
John Oliver
Tuesday Tom Wrigglesworth
10am

28th Polls Open

across campus!

Wednesday
 You can even
 
vote at Rubix
 
between 9pm &
1st
  

Midnight!

Open Mic Night

Thursday in Chance l l or’s 8pm - Polls Close

2nd
It’s Friday!
Friday (With Resident Dan Bailey)
£2 Advance,
Election
Results
Evening in
£3 before 10:30pm

3rd £4 afterwards
Wax (Funk, Hip-hop) in theHRB
Chancellors
from 7pm
(also announced
at 12 in Rubix)

Saturday Trip TO
AMSTERDAMN
Tease
in Rubix
4th ussu.co.uk/grapevine 9pm - 2am

Sunday Stella Screen

Free Film i n t h e H R B 8 p m
5th
Chancellor’s Cocktail Night
Monday
6th
14 MUSIC 21 February 2006
The Arts Section, as usual, starts off with music. Then film, Gigs are in there somewhere and occasionally there are theatre reviews. It’s
an all-encompassing arts package really. (bf.arts@gmail.com if you have anything you want to submit to this fine section)

BETH ORTON CALLA

Comfort Of Strangers Collisions
EMI Records Beggars Banquet Records

Amazingly, I was a Beth Orton virgin
until a few days ago. Of course I’d
heard the name, but I’d never got
around to listening to anything by her.
My first impressions were optimistic;
folky and gentle, with a slight edge to it.
The opening track, ‘Worms’ reminded
me instantly of Fiona Apple (a good
start), and the following tracks seemed
reminiscent of much of Belle & Sebastian’s repertoire. Thus I was happy, and
bought myself a packet of mini eggs in celebration.
But, (you all know what’s coming, and I don’t really want to say it…) when I
listened to it again, I was a little disappointed. I couldn’t believe it. I thought
there was nothing not to like about this album. It’s very simple, down-to-
earth and mellow, Orton has a lovely, folky voice, and the album as a whole
sounds beautiful. It was then I realised that in fact I DO like this album – I just
don’t love it.
Some tracks are brilliant: ‘Worms’ and ‘Conceived’ (recent single) are really
nice and just what you’d expect from someone called Beth Orton. The
problem is, the other tracks seem to fade into the background. After at least
5 listens, I still can’t sing you any songs from ‘Comfort Of Strangers’ (and not
just due to my inability). “Does that really matter?” I hear you mutter – well no,
not really; but I tend to like music I can remember. This is a good album, but I
think patience is mandatory. Patrick Hunter 2.5/5
The Calla Lily, although beautiful can
cause intense burning and irritation
of the mouth and tongue, and can
block swallowing with the results being
fatal. So what can you expect from an
Indie band with the same name as a
poisonous flower? ‘Collisions’ is Calla’s
fourth album, and starts off with ‘It
Dawned on Me’, a well balanced rock
song with a simple guitar riff and melodic sound that hides the slightly darkly-
tinted lyrics, and wouldn’t be out of place during an episode of the OC.
Tracks 2 to 7 are another story. Featuring slow, deep, simple but effective
bass lines, pleasant guitar, medium tempo and the lead singer’s monotone
voice, they have a depressing, melancholy feel, without the whininess of
some bands, or the dull sound of bands like Coldplay. Unfortunately, they
do all seem to blend into one, with not one of them standing out above the
others, and by the time the instrumental, ‘Imbesterus’ comes around at track
8, you’d be forgiven for losing interest. However, this provides a good break
before ‘Testify’ and ‘Stagger’, which feature a slightly (and I mean slightly)
more upbeat tempo, and a much-welcomed heavier guitar sound. In the
latter, the lead singer almost manages to pull off some emotion in his singing
(it could be anger but it’s hard to tell).
Overall, ‘Collisions’ is an album that, rather than grabbing your attention
immediately, grows on you over time, and would slot nicely into your typical
Indie playlist. 4/5 Richard Sharp

CORINNE BAILEY RAE Mclusky

CORINNE BAILEY RAE Mcluskyism
EMI Records / Good Groove Too Pure

Chances are, if you were a solo female
singer last year and weren’t Norah
Jones, Katie Melua, Amy Winehouse or
some hybrid of the three, you’d still be
playing in pubs and accompanied by
your brother’s mate (who did A-Level
music don’t you know…). Yes indeed
– last year an easy-listening epidemic
broke out and quite successfully
infected a lot of the population. It wasn’t a bad ailment; you just started to
get annoyed with it after a while.
Thus you can imagine my dismay when I read the reviews of Corinne Bailey
Rae: “The female star of 2006”; “Her passionate voice…”; “She possesses a
voice that crackles with verve and heart…” – I could almost smell the garden
centres.
And this is the paragraph where I say: “But hold ye horses! She’s completely
different!” – but I’m not. Not entirely anyway. What I will say, is that Miss Bailey
Rae’s self-titled album is like ordering Earl Grey tea, and getting Lady Grey
instead – similar, but with an unexpected twist to it.
Crisp beats, fruity brass and a punchy sexy voice make listening to Corinne
par with eating strawberries by a pool somewhere exotic. It’s a lazy,
summer, chilled out sound that works very well indeed. If you like Lauren
Hill, Macy Gray, Feist, or Natasha Bedingfield, you should give Corinne a go.
Furthermore, Norah and Katie fans will probably like it too.
Listen out for her debut single ‘Put Your Records On’: a true summer anthem
– it’s got a cowbell and everything!
Patrick Hunter 3.5/5
Mclusky are dead. Long live Mclusky.
Mclusky had some of the best song
titles and lyrics that I’ve ever heard,
combined with the sort of musicianship
that at times hinted that they might
have once harboured a deep hatred
for their own instruments. This 12
track Best-Of comprises all the A-side
singles that they released in their 3
album/4 year life span, and for those unfamiliar with Mclusky’s sound, it’s
a bit like an angry incarnation of the Pixies, only with lyrics being delivered
with a level of acerbic sarcasm that could only come from someone British.
This posthumous retrospective includes their most most-known track, the
furiously manic, ‘Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues’ (“I’m fearful, fearful, fearful of
flying, and flying is fearful of me”), the crass yet catchy, ‘There’s No Fool In
Ferguson’ (“If you can cope in this hopeless hepatitis pissrag”) and the dark,
broody bass drone of ‘Without MSG I Am Nothing’ (“Everywhere I look is
a daaaarkness”) and 9 other outstanding post-punk-rock bursts of lyrical
confusion.
Their music is tight and they found the ability to turn nearly any string of
coherent English into an effective chorus. If you like your music dark yet
humourous, and aren’t afraid of the odd bit of scratchy guitar work you’ll
appreciate Mclusky and If you don’t own any, this CD’s a great start. But if
you already have some Mclusky in your life and feel like some more there’s
also a 3-CD version with B-sides, rarities and the like... The time is now.
5/5 Neil Boulton
21 February 2006 MUSIC 15
STEREOLAB The Like
Fab Four Suture Are You Thinking what I’m Thinking?
Too Pure Records Geffen Records

Arty, electronic pop-rock anyone? If For an LA pop-punk band they sound

the answer is “yes” then you prob- very English, perhaps influenced by
ably already know who Stereolab are. early nineties British Indie. They have a
For those who don’t, the British band velvety, poppy, grunge sound, and if
describe themselves as a mix of 50s they passed through to the mainstream
lounge, art rock, 60s French pop and I would much rather hear them on the
Krautrock (a blend of rock and elec- radio than Girls Aloud.
tronic instruments, originating in Ger- They’ve supported Kings of Leon on
many). tour and have had their own mini-tour of
The band is one of the best-known experimental pop outfits around today, the UK, so are gaining some recognition.
able to name the likes of Moorcheeba and Saint Etienne as contemporaries. Their album was produced by Wendy
Their latest release, ‘Fab Four Suture’, is a collection of six 7” singles, three of Melvoin (of Prince and The Revolution)
which were released last year, with the other three being released on the and co-produced by John Goodmanson (Blonde Redhead, Bikini Kill and
same day as the new album. Death Cab for Cutie). The mixing was done in London by Alan Moulder, who
On first hearing ‘Fab Four Suture’ most people will be struck by how… has worked previously with Elastica and My Bloody Valentine.
well…boring it sounds. ‘Fab Four Suture’, along with most of Stereolab’s They have a very melodic quality, which finds its roots in nineties Indie, and
albums are aimed at the repeat listener. There always seems to be some- it comes across very silkily from this three-piece girl group. Lyrically, these
thing new to hear every time you listen to the album, and I’m afraid now I’m songs are tales of heartbreak and its surrounding issues. They could be
hooked. I was also impressed by one of the deceivingly “nice-sounding” criticised for the lack of diversity in their subject topic, although they do
album titles I have heard in a while; ‘suture’ is a type of medical thread used pull it off well. The music is much heavier than your average girly rock band,
for stitching wounds. Unfortunately ‘Fab Four Suture’ won’t appeal to all, which is good to hear, and it’s also good for the “girls can rock as hard as
but those who dare to try something new will be pleasantly surprised. Of boys” cause.
course, I assume that those of you who are Stereolab fans will already own They have a very boho look about them, and this transcends from the type
the 7”singles and will know what I’m talking about. of music they play. I think people who are fans of melodic Indie and silky,
4/5 James Donovan female vocals will adore this band. I have to say they’re not my cup of
tea, but I can definitely see there being a fan base out there for ‘The Like’
- they’re a talented band. 3/5 Sam Carney
The Fallout Trust
In Case Of The Flood Download of the Fortnight
At Large Recordings http://www.rottenrecords.com/
Dog Fashion Disco - Darkest Days
The Fallout Trust describe themselves
as “a co-operative band from Dog Fashion Disco’s music is best described as ‘evil circus rock’,
underground London”. Their music is rock with the odd time change, keyboards and some super-de-
of the Indie/rock ‘n roll variety that has duper melodies. In the past they’ve toured with System Of A Down
become so popular of late, and could and conveniently System Of A Down are the most popular band
be compared to the sounds of bands you they’re similar to. If you like your rock a bit different then the
such as Razorlight (the introduction of track’s well worth a download. ‘Darkest Days’ has been stuck up on
track 6, ‘Washout’ sounds uncannily like the interweb in advance of the release of the band’s new album in
‘Golden Touch’) and Athlete. April. Neil Boulton
The band is comprised of six members who each play a different
instrument, ranging from the standard guitar to the less standard violin. It is
this clever use of the array of instruments that differentiates the ’Trust from
other similar sounding bands. For example, the mechanical drum machine Fancy your music article here?
intro to track one ‘When We Are Gone,’ has the distinct ring of timeless 80s
classics such as ‘Purple Rain.’
The vocals are supplied by lead singer Joe Winter who has a voice that is
compelling to listen to and is individual in its nature. However, this does not Come to the CD Handout Every
mean that all the tracks sound the same; in fact they are all notably varied
and range greatly in tempo. other Tuesday ~12:30pm
All in all this is a very good solid debut album from The Fallout Trust. With its
quirky sounding vocals and melée of sounds created from the use of a wide (in the activities centre)
range of instruments, the album is easy to listen to, yet not to such an extent
that it is easily forgettable. The tracks are catchy and the more you listen to
them, the more they grow on you. Well worth a listen.
4/5 Kate Payne 21/02/06 - 07/03/06 - 21/03/06
Have you
checked the
You have all the dates before
election easter now.
pull-out yet?
16 FILM & GIGS 21 February 2006
Just the one film review this week. All films are reviewed at the Odeon Guildford. Normally. But our one film review this week is a DVD
review. But, if you do feel like going to the cinema - For tickets or more information, call 0871 2244007

Red Eye - Terror At 30,000ft

Starring: Rachel McAdams, Cillian Murphy and Brian
Cox
Director: Wes Craven.
‘Red Eye’ is an intense, high octane thriller about
trust, betrayal and blackmail. Basically, Lisa Reisert
(McAdams) meets Jackson Rippner (Murphy), who
she quickly befriends. Once on board he gives her
an ultimatum which she must meet or her father
(Cox), will be killed. This setup leads to a fast-
paced, suspense-filled plot that could go either
way.
The premise for this film is excellent and my
expectations as a thriller fan were high. Overall
however, my feeling of great anticipation was not
met. The plot, though initially promising, is far
too simple and the expected twist (a trait to be
found in all good thrillers) never materialised. This,
coupled with a runtime of less than 90 minutes,
left me with a sour taste in my mouth. Murphy is
horribly miscast and is somewhat unconvincing as
the stereotypical thriller villain. McAdams plays
her role moderately well but at times lacks depth.
Possibly the best performance comes from
Cox, but his character is vastly underused. The
performances of the other, subsidiary characters
are disappointing and, if I’m honest, are laughable
at times.
On the plus side, the script by Carl Ellsworth is
intriguing and filled with suspense, and he has
used his horror heritage to his advantage by
tricking the audience with crisp and expertly
subtle editing.
If you are a Wes Craven fan and would like to see
his approach to a genre other than horror, then
this film is for you. Its short running time saves the
film from being a complete write-off, but, if you
are looking for a film that echoes the excitement
of ‘Air Force One’ or ‘Executive Decision’
however, you may be left wanting.
2.5/5 Thomas Asdell

Mew/The Perishers of the set was focused upon songs from

Cambridge APU SU the new album ‘And The Glass Handed
4th February 2006 Kites’, such as the explosive ‘Apocalypso’,
‘Zookeeper’s Boy’, the melodic ‘White
For those of you who are unaware, Mew are Lips Kissed’ and the new single ‘Why Are
an Indie rock band from Denmark. (I say Indie, You Looking Grave?’ before blasting out
although they have been classed in the genre such classics as ‘156’, ‘She Came Home For
of “Pretentious Art Rock”, whatever that means.) Christmas’, and ‘Snow Brigade’.
Fans of Mew, however would not hesitate to say Throughout the performance a taste of Mew’s
that they are far from ordinary, or even normal dark and disturbing nature was brought to
for that matter. the surface with an array of very strange
Upon arrival at the Students’ Union bar of images projected onto the massive backdrop
Cambridge APU I noticed an immense buzz in hanging from the ceiling. These images
the air created by a clearly impatient audience. included cats dressed up and driving cars,
The support, ‘The Perishers’ soon brought forth weird alien things and children with shiny
a cluster of fans towards the stage with an faces and wings……I was worried.
awesome set of cheerfully entertaining songs, After a series of miniature encores, the gig
finishing with the captivating ‘Trouble Sleeping’, finally came to a close with ‘Comforting
recognized by most from ‘The OC’ soundtrack. Sounds’; it had become obvious that this
This left the audience calling out for more even would be the finishing song as no Mew gig
before the main event had occurred, thus the would be complete without this number.
crowd was now ready for the delights of Mew. Overall this was a great gig and despite the
The band burst on to the stage with series unenthusiastic expressions on the faces of the
of blinding flashes and striking strobes, giving band members, Mew produced a top notch
no-one even the slightest chance of blinking performance.
in fear of missing a second of this breathtaking 3/5 Jake South
opening. As you would expect, the first half
21 February 2006 ANOTHER GIG 17
Thrice (with Circa Survive and Coheed & Cambria, who we didn’t see)
Brixton Academy
4th February 2006

The night began with the ambient prog-emo (whatever that means) support
of Circa Survive. Featuring the ex-singer of Saosin, who notoriously left that
band at an airport in Phoenix just before the beginning of a tour, this is their
first trip to the UK. Their music seemed to be an aquired taste as only the
real fans were getting into this – looking around, everyone else was unsure
what to think. However, they did provide an interesting beginning to a great
gig.
Thrice recently released their 4th studio album ‘Vhiessu’. It’s been a long
time since they last came to the UK, and it was clear from the atmosphere
that the post-hardcore outfit had been sorely missed. They opened with
the aptly named ‘The Earth Will Shake’ from the critically acclaimed ‘Vheissu’
and showed that they were as tight and as heavy as ever. Continuing with
recent single ‘Image of the Invisible’ they seized control of the stage and
proceed to bludgeon the already willing audience into submission. The
more experimental tracks off their new album also came across well. ‘Atlan-
tic’ stood out as a good example of the band’s eclectic experimental side,
when Teppei swapped his guitar temporarily for a keyboard and we saw “Does anyone know something that rhymes with ‘purple’?... Please...
the full range of Dustin’s vocals.
However, despite the quality of their new, more thoughtful material, it was their older songs such as ‘Artist in the Ambulance’ and ‘Deadbolt’ that proved to
be the real crowd pleasers. They were spectacular to watch and closed off their set with the emotionally charged ‘Red Sky’, proving once again that they
are still a force to reckoned with. 4.5/5 Ollie Ghaney

RILEY BRECKENRIDGE were all 18, 19 years old and I

INTERVIEW
Ok, so, before their Brixton gig I got to have a chat with
Riley Breckenridge, the drummer from Thrice! (For those
of you who don’t know who they are, they’re good,
very good, and also very charitable, go check out the
gig review.) He was ever so lovely:
Me (Beth Heale): Right, first things first, where is the
name ‘Thrice’ from?
Riley Breckenridge: I wish there was a good story
for it I really do. When we started this band about 7
and a half years ago we couldn’t think of a name and
we had a few ideas and Thrice was one of them, just
because it was kind of an inside joke amongst Dustin,
Teppei (founding members of the band) and their
friends cos they thought it was a funny word, kind
of Medieval and metalish I guess. And we ended up
getting our first show and we still didn’t have a name at
that point so we were like “Oh shit what are we gonna
do? Let’s just go with Thrice” and it stuck. By the time
we got around to realising it wasn’t the best name it
was kinda too late coz we’d developed a following
and stuff.
BH: Good a reason as any I guess
RB: I dunno. (smiles) I always justify it by saying, it’s
not the name that makes the band, it’s the band that
makes the name. Like, if you heard ‘I’m gonna name my
band U2’ you’d think oh, that’s kinda lame. But U2 have
changed the world with their music.
BH: Yeah, I suppose they have. So, back to you, who
writes your songs?
RB: It’s all of us really. Dustin writes all of the lyrics
and he does that really because he’s the one who’s
delivering them and we want them to mean a lot to
him, and then musically everybody writes a bunch of
different instruments, like, I’ll come up with a guitar part
or Dustin will make up a drum beat, or Ed will come up
with a piano piece for Teppei to play.
BH: There’s a big jump from ‘Identity Crisis’ (first album)
to ‘Vheissu’ (current album). What has influenced you?
RB: When we put out identity crisis, the other guys
was like 21, since then it’s been
five or six years. That’s a lot of
time to pass, especially when
you’re growing from a teenager
into a 24, 25 year old. There’s a
lot of personal growth in that time
period, our minds have opened
a lot and because of that we
started listening to a lot more
music than just punk and metal
and hardcore, which is stuff that
was influencing us early on. We’re
fans of a lot of different kinds of
music and we try to incorporate
those influences into what we do
BH: Any bands in particular?
RB: I think Radiohead opened up a lot of new doors
for us musically, for me especially, I was in a kind
of punk rock and metal sort of rut musically and I
wouldn’t give anything else a chance, I just wanted
to listen to aggressive music. Radiohead were the first
band who broke through to me that there is more
to music than aggression and speed. Also the way in
which they evolve from record to record, you really
don’t know what you’re going to get.
BH: Have you ever played Brixton before?
RB: No, it’s massive, it’s scary!
BH: It is pretty big…so are US crowds different from
British crowds?
RB: Yeah I think so. Well, they’re the same in that they
share an enthusiasm for music, which is great, but I
think people here are a little more enthusiastic because
bands from the States don’t get to play here all the
time. It’ll be like once year, where as back home we
play a few times and someone in LA will be like, “Oh
Thrice is playing here, but they’ll play again in three
months so Ill come down for the show any time”, but
here people really pack out our shows cos they don’t
know when were gonna come back. There’s a good
atmosphere here.
BH: Do you prefer British or American girls?
RB: I haven’t been with a British girl, so I’d have to say
American unless someone changes
my mind. (ooooh, that sounds like a
challenge girls =] )
BH: Who have been your favourite
bands to tour with?
RB: Coheed’s (That’s Coheed and
Cambria) definitely one of them, we’ve
done two US tours with them and
done Warped tour and they’re like
family. To be on tour with them now
is just awesome, hanging out with
them and seeing them play, especially
seeing how much they’ve grown. Hot
Water Music too, who unfortunately
are not a band anymore. CaveIn taught
us a lot too, back in 2001.
BH: And are you going to be playing
mostly new stuff tonight?
RB: Its gonna be a mixture, but a lot off the new
album, because its new really. That’s why we’re here.
BH: Of course. Last thing, do you have Emo people in
America? You know, kids with tight jeans, dodgy hair,
tight tshirts, lots of eye make up….
RB: Oh, yeah, those people are everywhere. (laughs)
They’re just people I guess, people might think they’re
weird, but I think it’s a fad just like everything else. A
bunch of kids I used to hang out with growing up
were in to hip hop and used to wear baggy jeans
and Nikes (pronounced nikeees) with the tongues
hanging out u know? (laughs) It’s just like a phase that
you go through growing up. I think it’s something we
all go through but a lot of those kids are gonna look at
pictures of themselves like five years from now and say
“Oh my God, what the hell was I thinking?!” Its part of
searching for an identity and growing up, joining a bit
of a clique and having something to identify with other
kids about.
BH: Sorry that was a bit random…
RB: That’s fine. (big grin)
BH: Well you’re a bit short for time I guess, so let’s
leave it there. How do I make this thing stop? (rustling
noises) Oh, like that…
Beth Heale
18 PG TIPS / GU2 21 February 2006

PG TIPS
The postgrad section (PG TIPS) is now in the very capable hands of
new PG Editor, Anne Abeygunasekera. Any articles should be
sent directly to her at eep1aa@surrey.ac.uk

PG Rant
I have a friend…. He has just recently entered the world of
university life as a mature postgraduate student. He is studying
part-time and he has a disability. He is suffering from the student
experience called ‘social exclusion’. Is there a pill or something
Who’s Who?
VP POSTGRADUATE AFFAIRS
Hi, my name is Bex and I’m the Vice-President for
that might help, because my friend is feeling a bit low? He
Postgraduate Affairs at the Students’ Union. I have
had no idea that life for many postgraduates at Surrey can feel
specific responsibility for postgraduate students within
depressing and alienating. I try and explain to him that that is
the University and can assist with any academic or
why most of them don’t stay here for a second longer than they
personal problems throughout their time at UniS,
can help.
from academic representation and support in personal
He feels that the real purpose of University education should
issues, to promoting integration within the postgraduate
to bring people together, to embrace diversity, engage with
community and organising social events. I operate an
others, and discuss and share with them, thus helping to better
understand and respect all differences, and pass on the mantle of
open-door policy for anyone needing help, advice or
knowledge, ideas and wisdom in order to build a better world….
support. I am based in the Representation and Welfare
But, unfortunately, there is no room in the diploma for that form
Unit, in the activity centre at the Students’ Union.
of knowledge.
Is there any hope for my friend? Contact: Bex Nunn - Postgraduate Affairs Sabbatical
Tel: +44 (0)1483 683262
- A Concerned Postgrad E-mail: ussu.postgraduate@surrey.ac.uk

DEAN OF STUDENTS PGA PRESIDENT

The Dean of Student’s Office works closely with As president of the PGA, it’s my responsibility to make sure that the
Schools, Student Care Services and the Students’ PGA helps postgraduate students get the most out of their “student
Union to help develop and maintain effective student experience.” The primary purpose of the PGA is to organise social
support. The Deputy Dean of Students, Dr David events and activities, everything from monthly quizzes to larger
Faux, takes a particular responsibility for postgraduate events. The PGA is always looking for more students to help plan
students and deals with academic appeals, complaints activities and put on events, so if this sounds like something that
and grievances from postgraduate students, both interests you, just drop Greg a line.
taught and research. Where difficulties arise, the
Deans, through direct liaison with Heads of Schools Contact: Gregory ‘Greg’ Scott -President of the Post Graduate
and the University Senior Management Team, Association
endeavor to ensure that the University responds to E-mail: president@pgasurrey.co.uk
resolve difficulties.
Dean of Students: Colin Howard (Pictured on the
right) MANAGER WATES HOUSE
Deputy Dean of Students: David Faux (Pictured on Hello I’m Michael. I have been
the left) the manager of Wates House for
about 6 months and in that time
Contact: Mrs. Patricia Ball, PA to the Deans’ Office, we have been working hard to
Tel: 01483-683807, patricia.ball@surrey.ac.uk provide an enjoyable, friendly
Weblink: http://portal.surrey.ac.uk/portal/page?_ facility for all the University
pageid=765,1&_dad=portal&_schema=PORTAL postgraduates and staff. On a day
to day basis I oversee the bar &
server areas plus any meetings
and functions we have in the
other rooms. I have been actively
trying to promote Wates to the
Post Graduate community, by
working with the PGA on ideas
and events. In the past 6 months amongst other things we have decorated the bar area,
extended our opening hours, introduced an evening menu. I am always happy to listen to
ideas and suggestions people have regarding Wates House.

Contact: Michael Withers

E-mail: m.withers@surrey.ac.uk / Ext: 9056
21 February 2006 PG TIPS 19

PGA Quiz Results – 09-February-06

PG Tips... Page 2...
Thanks to all who
attended the quiz
earlier this month in
Wates House. We had
PG SCHOOL REPS
over 60 postgraduate
The School Representatives are postgraduate students who
students and staff represent their school on the Post Graduate Board. They are
battling tooth-and- responsible for filtering down University-wide information
nail to prove their discussed at the Board and bringing issues from within their
knowledge of all Schools to the Board for discussion and resolution.
the important things
Anne Goff - School of Arts, Communications and
in life… like their
Humanities
recognition of robots, lim1ag@surrey.ac.uk
familiarity with the British cabinet, and understanding of women in history (I
don’t even understand those who live in today!). Michael Smith - School of Human Sciences
After a gruelling battle and some rather challenging questions, Team Bob scm1ms@surrey.ac.uk
was awarded with a boxed set of Jack Daniels glasses with their whopping
Gillian East - School of Engineering
45.75 points. Look At Me, I’m A Little Weiner came in a very close second
enm1ge@surrey.ac.uk
with 44.5 points and We Guess Nicaraugua, As Well came in third with 43.75
points. Amazing that only 2 points separated 1st from 3rd. Unfortunately, Chris Carr - School of Biomedical Sciences
this was not quite the case for Va-Va-Vooom who took the Coca-Cola water bsm2cc@surrey.ac.uk
bottle consolation prize for displaying the true spirit of participation given the
unfortunate outcome in the final standings. Matthew Prior – SEPS
M.Prior@surrey.ac.uk
Next time, even you could win the beloved Coca-Cola water bottle (or
whatever other random consolation prize we can find). Just put your team Andrea Bowen - School of Management
together and be sure not to miss out on the next quiz: 09-March-06! It only A.Bowen@surrey.ac.uk
costs a £1 per person and a heaping plate of curry is only a £1.50 more! Hope
to see you there!
--Greg Scott
PGA President and Quizmaster 1 of 2

PG EDITOR- BAREFACTS
I’m Anne. As PG editor for barefacts, I’ll be
collecting and publishing articles of interest
to post graduates, thus acting as a source
of information. My responsibilities include
discovering and voicing the opinions and
concerns of PG students, serving as a key
liaison between post graduate students and the
university.
Contact: Anne Abeygunasekera – PG Editor
E-mail: eep1aa@surrey.ac.uk
20 DEBATING? 21 February 2006

Debating Week! 13th-17th March

Why bother debating? …and the topics?
The aims of the week are to stimulate discussion, debating, widening .. are very exciting.. and controversial (for reasons stated in the initial
knowledge fields, as well as learning new skills and ideas - for real issue paragraph!)
debating as well as entertainment.

If you want to help steer the week - want

You think I can debate!? to try your hand at chairing, finding people
There’s no pressure – come along to one or all the debates - you can just sit
there and listen or join in – whatever you feel happiest doing! (or you) to actually debate, or just be kept
informed of the week as more details are
Ok... tell me a bit more! unveiled please contact Carol Main in
There will be a debate every day of the week:
Monday 13th March: 1 - 2pm
Tuesday 14th March: 6 - 7.30pm
the Students’ Union (in person or email
Wednesday 15th March: 1 - 2pm c.main@surrey.ac.uk or call 01483 683254.
Thursday 16th March: 6 - 7.30pm
Friday 17th March: 1 - 2pm
(Locations to be announced nearer the time)
21 February 2006 PUZZLES AHOY! 21
Colin Everett, our very own puzzle-lord has crafted more things for you to do during that boring lecture. You’ll get the answer to the crossword next
week . The answers, as always, are on page 24 (The back one).
Clues Across: 4) Octothorpe; Total mess. (4)
1) Confront the consequences of botched caesium 5) Area in the Pacific Ocean including Palau, Kiribati
fetch. (Cryptic) (4, 3, 5) and Nauru. (10)
10) Ink-laden strips used in dot-matirx printers. (7) 6) This excavation is a sex-machine with all the
11) A powerful appeal for action: ------- call. (7) chicks! (5)
12 and 16) Fictional spy whose family motto is “Orbis 7) U.S. city, home to the Cubs and White Sox baseball
non sufficit”. (5, 4) teams. (7)
13) Shrink agreement. (Cryptic) (8) 8) Person responsible for screening a film in a cinema.
15) The Forth bridge is an example of this type of (13)
bridge. (10) 9) International organisation of which Javier Perez de
16) See 12 ac. Cuellar and Kurt Waldheim were Secretaries-General.
18) Missile with range in excess of 5500km, typically (6, 7)
carring nuclear warheads. (Abbrev.) (1, 1, 1, 1) 14) American athlete, winner of four gold-medals at
20) Plant native to Southern China, mentioned in the the 1936 Summer Olympics. (5, 5)
tite of a George Orwell novel. (10) 17) Hidden text or image, particularly shrunk down to
22) One who, within a story, relates it to the reader. the size of a full-stop. (8)
(9) 19) Small African nation, bordered by Rwanda,
24) Jewish religious leader. (5) Tanzania and the Democratic Republic of Congo. (7)
26) Earnest. (7) 21) Mexican state, bordered by Veracruz, Chiapas and
27) Capital of the U.S. state Wisconsin. (7) Campeche. (7)
28) Depiction. (12) 23 Relating to area. (5)
25 ---- Khan: British boxer, winner of silver medal in
Clues Down: Athens summer Olympics. (4)
2) The white part of an egg. (7)
3) Selfish. (8)

THE MODERATELY FREAKIN’ MAZE SU DOKU

Place numbers in the empty boxes so you have numbers 1-9 in each row &
coloum, and 1-9 in each 3x3 square. Easy.
-... .-. --- - .... . .-. .... --- --- -.. /

..- -. .. - -.-- /
IT’S A SEARCH-FOR-WORDS!
Here is a list of types
of pasta. All of them
can be found in this
grid. Except for one.
Which one?
.--. . .- -.-. .

CANNELONI
CONCHIGLIE
FARFALLE
FETTUCCINE
FUSILLI
LASAGNE
LINGUINE
MACARONI
PENNE
RAVIOLI
RIGATONI
SPAGHETTI
TORTELLONI
VERMICELLI
22
PERSONALS - In-jokes, get
your in-jokes here! Get ‘em
while they’re irrelevant! Email
personals to barefacts@ussu.
co.uk
Dom, 17 is very young, and to
be “touched for the very first
time” by a donkey may cause a
serious injury.
70% of men say they’d be
prepared to give up watching
football for their girlfriends.....
Bollocks
whats worse than living with 3
dancers.....living with 4 dancers!!
Happy late birthday Becca!!!
It’s the bullshit toolkit!
I don’t have any personals!
There must be sufficient
quantifiable metal nipples for
you to pass your course.
I love burger sauce. It tastes like
Daniel Bedingfield.
CONDOM
The Baffling Crystal Balls Of barefacts
Toby Shannon provides this fornight’s forthcoming forecast into the foreseeable future.
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
When crossing the road, never dwell
on old grievances- be centred and
exist only in the here and now. BUT
LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR!!! Be
prepared.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
As your zodiac sign suggests, this
fortnight it is advised to stay out
of china shops. You know it makes
sense. Tangerine is a lucky colour. As
long as it’s not in a china shop.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
As Saturn crosses the orbit of
the moon you will find yourself
transformed into a cartoon character.
Take full advantage of this and use
your newfound abilities to fight
crime in all its forms.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
This is a good time for volunteering
HORRORSCOPES/PERSONALS
Never eat yellow snow.
Inside this personal is a hidden
message. Try and decipher it.
Galoshes?! Isn’t that the noise
trousers make?
Get well soon Soph. It isn’t the
same without you being around
to poke me.
EARS... Football Legends!
Put that teenager down!
Babes.......
If cats always land on their feet
and toast always lands butter
side down what happens if you
strap toast to a cat and drop it?
Happy belated birthday Chris!!!
He who disagrees with me in
private, call him a fool. He who
disagrees with me in public, call
him an ambulance.
Who played Tinkerbell? Dustin
Hoffman.
but make sure that whatever it is
doesn’t require electrodes or to be
strategically shaved. Purple is in with
makeup and nails to match.
Leo (July 23 – August 23)
Grr. You’ll be feeling particularly
aggressive at the moment due to your
constantly bedraggled hair and that
odd itch that JUST WON’T STOP!!!
Oh wait, it did. Never mind.
Virgo (August 24 – Sept 23)
Pander to people by feeding them
plenty of bamboo shoots and
relocating them to a nice forest
somewhere. Crockery will not be
your friend- do you own a china shop
perchance?
Libra (Sept 24 – October 23)
Don’t forget to turn the iron off when
you’ve finished- the key to avoiding
incidents in the home is prevention
Life is like a musical by Andrew
Lloyd Webber. Very popular and
not as bad as some would have
you believe.
son pon de replay!!!!
‘I want your bum! ERROR!!!!!!’
‘fun = the general employment
of time in a profitless &
non-practical way!’
Jeppo Miracle = Porn Groove
Lisa : “i warned you i was gonna
hit you!”
Hollie: “its actually cos of my
secret undying love for you
james, loser”
In love as in fighting the winner
has an eight foot pole.
‘Is there a donkey in ur pocket or
are u just pleased to see me?!?’
‘Wood I blow goats?!?!?!?!surely
its squirrels!!!!!!’
‘Any holes a goal!’
‘......We’re streaking!’
god-dammit! You’re sure to lose your will buy pork- flavoured ice.
keys soon but don’t panic- they’ll be
in the place you had them last.
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Your psychic powers will flourish
soon so you don’t need telling what
I’m going to say… but I’ll remind
you anyway: discarded pizza boxes
are an inexpensive source of cheese. wear it to Rubix?
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
Life may be like a box of chocolates
but to celebrate your new healthy
eating regime, it’ll be more like a
nice salad with some dressing if
you’re lucky. If in doubt, just scream
and run away.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
You will discover a new, internet-
based, espionage computer game-
CapRecon and steadily become
addicted. Just remember- nobody
21 February 2006
‘Do they have a lot of Vampires
in Norway?!?!?!?’
‘You’re looking very metro-sexual
today!’
‘I’m not brave to wear a white
shirt and drink snakebite and
black, I’ve got COMPLETE control
over my drink!!!!!!!!’
‘Has the Hungarian
cracked?????’
‘Law is for people whose
mathematical ability extends
solely to money!!!!’
Jeppo loves the little mermaid
‘Exuberant & Avant-garde,
Revolutionary Six’
Why do you keep turning the
guides off?
The USSU clairvoyant society will
not meet on Tuesday, due to
unforeseen circumstances.
Submit your own:
ussu.barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
Go to Rubix on every opportunity-
that person you’ve had your eye on
for a while is sure to be there! Unless
he/she isn’t. In which case, I’m not
responsible. A full- length cagoule
will be helpful this week- why not
Pisces (Feb 20 – March 20)
Stay away from bear traps this
month. Why? BECAUSE YOU’RE
A BEAR! Don’t forget to floss, as
gingivitis is never attractive. Not
even to other bears. DO IT! DO IT
NOW!!! Beware of ducks in paisley
galoshes.
*barefacts is not responsible for any lack of getting laid
you may experience this Saturday.
barefacts@ussu.co.uk
21 February 2006 SPORT 23

Val Claret, Tignes, Snow Sports

Cazza Dee off by a truly spectacular Surrey style fetish night: cats,
playboy bunnies, naughty nurses, dominatrix, Lara Croft
196 of Surrey’s finest packed their thermals, Hawaiian and school girls were all in plentiful supply along with the
skirts and fetish gear for the annual snowsports club trip vodka pomme. With the coaches making an early (4:30 am)
to the French Alps. Once again this was another record departure some individuals were lucky enough to be carried
in terms of participation as we took the largest number of onto the coach for an unconscious ride home. The less said
freshers to date and a number of cling-ons rounded the about the vomiting on the coaches the better. Thanks to
total number to 200. Whilst the majority of surrey students everyone who came on the trip and made it so successful.
were wallowing in the post Christmas/ New Year bloat, for Special thanks to Mark “The Milkman” Criddle for the hours
us Val Claret in the Espace Killy was the setting, carnage of organising he put in and for making it happen.
was the name of the game. Okay, so it last snowed the Missed out? There will be the British Universities
week before but the bright sunshine was perfect and the Snowsports Championships departing 1st April for Les Deux
runs were groomed. The beginners were perfecting their Alpes, visit www.surreysnowsports.com or www.buscevents.
snowplough turns, intermediates were finding their edges com for more info.
and the more advanced (or stupid among us) ignored the All are welcome to join in the snowsports action or just the Ski and/or Snowboarders
rocky outlook to search for that perfect, untouched area of socials. (also pictured: ‘snow’)
off-piste. Unfortunately it involved some rather unorthodox
methods of descending the mountain. I don’t believe taking
your skies off and hiking through bushes or jumping off
the side of a cliff was really a textbook descent. We were
fortunate enough to be able to watch the Tignes Airwaves
competitions where professional riders battled it out in half
pipes, super X courses and kickers the size of the library
for a mega-buck prize. Oh did I mention they also did it
on quad bikes and ski doos? Our very own race coach was
also on hand to provide a day of advanced tuition. For the
more adventurous amongst us there was only one way to see
the stunning alpine scenery – from the view of a paragliger.
We also held our very first race competition. The closest
race of the evening was a mum vs mum grudge match
semi final. As all good mothers say “there are no losers”,
except for “Jodies mum” on this occasion putting team
“Vascos mum” through to thrash our reps Skiworld in the
final. Congratulations to those who put in an appearance
on all those nights out and still made it onto the slopes by
10. The classic traffic light night kicked the week’s social
scene off on the right foot. It would have been rude to stay
next door to France’s super-resort of Val D’Isere without
saying hello so we did it in the only way we know how by
pubcrawling around. Bin Bag Chic II -“Return of the gaffa
tape” was another sweaty success. The week was rounded

Well Helllloo...
24 SPORT 21 February 2006

Surrey Fencing – League Champions

Martin Pezet
Five matches played, five matches won. Such a simple
statement does not do justice to the incredible end to the
season for the fencing team. At the start of this semester the
team consisting of (Captain) Daniel Brooks, Jonathan Clarke,
Martin Pezet and Chen-Ning Yang, faced two tricky ties, away
to King’s and then home to City.
The first of these matches, away to King’s was to say the
least a surreal experience. Upon arrival we were greeted
by our opponents and informed that their gym was being
renovated, so we would be competing in a bar, which wasn’t
dissimilar to the HRB. The bar wasn’t serving at the time but
it was certainly a different venue to the usual drafty sports
halls! The match however went to plan with Surrey romping
to a 131-95 victory.
The final match of the season would be between Surrey
and City University London, thankfully this time at home.
Both teams up to the match had been undefeated with very
similar scoring records. The match got off to a bad start for
the home side, losing the Foil by seven points. The tension
grew between the two sides during the Sabre bouts with some
dubious decisions for both teams, and City took the weapon
45-44. That meant Surrey would have to be victorious by
nine points in the Epée to take the match and the league title.
A steady start in the Epée paved the way for particularly
impressive performances from Dan and Jon to win the weapon
for Surrey by thirteen points, giving Surrey an overall victory
of 127-123 points. It was a tremendous effort to turn the match
around, but the City team took defeat gracefully and joined
in with the customary drinking afterwards! Surrey will now
go forward into a national competition to take on some of the
other regional divisional winners from around the country.

S u r re y S o m e r s a u l t s To S u c e s s
Lucy Pope
The University of Surrey Trampolining Squad and UniSport
played host for another year to the BUSA Southern Regionals
on Sunday 12th of February. The day was a huge success with
Surrey students performing particularly well, with 6 of the
students qualifying for the finals. Over 20 universities attended
with more than a total of 250 competitors, so as you can
imagine, the hall was buzzing with activity. Nearly all went
according to plan thanks to the excellent organisation by the
UniSport staff and our students. One female competitor from
Plymouth was injured resulting in paramedics being called as
a precaution but we are pleased to report that she was released
from hospital later on in the day with no serious injuries.
The novice ladies were one of the first categories to compete
with Fiona Stevenson coming 8th, Bex Nunn 25th, Siobhán
Palmer 42nd, Helen Clark 49th and Sarah Westley 59th. Simon
Stearne came 3rd place in Novice Men and Darryl Tott 5th
place in Intermediate Men – a fantastic achievement for their
1st competition!
Hannah Curling and Emily Theobald competed in the Ladies
Intermediate category coming 10th and 14th respectively.
Jeff Chin and Tony Stone performed exceptionally well both
achieving 1st place in their categories, Jeff competing in
The day finished with a presentation for those
who finished in the Top 10 of their category.
They were awarded with a certificate by Greg
Melly, the Director of Corporate Services for the
university.
Without the time dedicated to organising this
event from Sally Edie, Emily Theobald, Ben
Brennan and Tony Stone, the event wouldn’t
have taken place. The help provided by the
UniSport Staff was much appreciated and all
those people marshalling and judging proved
invaluable. Paintbrush was also on hand to help,
spending most of his day being the manual
scorer on one of the panels.
So on behalf of the Trampoline Squad we want
to thank these people and the other people who
gave up their time to make this day the success
that it was.
The finals will be taking place next month Surrey’s Spring-loaded Somersaulters
in Lancaster and we want to wish all of our
students competing the very best of luck.
GUILDFORD college International Centre for Education

Intermediate and Tony in Advanced. After winning Novice

Men last year, Jeff had to proceed to the next level but he rose
to the challenge and has sailed comfortably through to the next
Learn to teach English (TEFL/TESOL)
round.
Intensive Summer Programme* Part-time Programme
26 June - 28 July 2006 (5 weeks full-time) 13 September - 4 July 2007 (36 weeks part-time)
PUZZLE ANSWERS: READ UNDER ADVISEMENT
Price: £740* Price: TBC*
Answers to Crossword in Issue 1097:
Across: 1) Sleepy. 4) Icarus. 8) Weapons. 9) Motions. 11) Alarm Clock.
12) Bush. 13) Porch. 14) Empowers. 16) Dark Room. 18) Motif. You may be taking a gap year, considering a career change or returning to work.
20) Deny. 21) Toothbrush. 23) Context. 24) Decimal. 25) Danish. If you enjoy meeting and working with people from other cultures, this could be an ideal programme
26) Asleep.
for you. As well as enabling you to teach in the UK, a Trinity College TESOL Certificate is recognised
Down: 1) Swell. 2) Emperor. 3) Pinocchio. 5) Cloak. 6) Rainbow.
7) Sans Serif. 10) Honeymoon. 13) Planetoid. 15) Pamphlets. throughout the world.
17) Krypton. 19) Termite. 21) Texas. 22) Stamp.
* Plus £100 Trinity College registration fee plus £20 College adminstration fee
English for
For further information: GUILDFORD college
www.guildford.ac.uk/international Tel: 01483 44 86 90/91 Stoke Park Campus Guildford Surrey GU1 1EZ

This edition of barefacts was brought to you by the letter ‘A’, the number
‘28’ and a selection of motivated individuals.
The next all highly absorbant edition of barefacts
will hit the (small) kiosks Tuesday 7th March. Get those articles/reviews/
obscene phone calls in now!
You could always submit a personal (in-joke) to barefacts@ussu.co.uk