Temper tantrums—just the apparent reason. Studies show Preschoolers
thought of one is enough to make that infants who have their needs Preschoolers are less likely to you cringe. Most parents agree that met quickly and who are held and throw tantrums. They have there is nothing quite like dealing comforted when they cry, develop developed more coping skills and with a kicking, screaming child. It a strong sense of security and are able to communicate better. can bring out the worst in all of us well-being and may actually cry Still, when dinner is late or when and it is always difficult to handle. much less later on. Temper tantrums are a normal part of growing up. All children Toddlers have them. Often they happen for Toddlers throw tantrums for different reasons at different ages. many reasons—some big, some Sometimes they take you by small. A square block won’t fit in surprise and sometimes they are a round hole. Shoes feel funny predictable. There are no magic and socks don’t seem to come off cures, but there are some success- right. To make matters worse, you ful techniques that can help. won’t let them climb on top of the kitchen table. Toddlers have ■ Ages and stages tantrums because they get frus- Infants trated very easily. Most toddlers Infants may cry a lot, but they still do not talk much. They have don’t really have tantrums. They trouble asking for things and cry because they are wet, hungry, expressing their feelings. Toddlers cold, or lonely. Crying is their also have very few problem-solving only way of letting adults know skills. Tantrums are most likely to that they need something. Some- happen when toddlers are hun- times infants have colic. They gry, exhausted, or overexcited. seem to cry endlessly for no
Pm-1529j Revised November 2003
things get frustrating, your children can learn to recognize Ignore—Older children will preschooler may begin to behave when they are feeling upset or sometimes throw tantrums to more like a 2-year-old! Some frustrated. Also, they can learn get attention. Try ignoring the children learn at this age that acceptable ways to deal with tantrum and go about your tantrums can be used to get some- their anger. business as usual. If staying in thing they want. If parents give in the same room with a screaming to demands, tantrums may begin to ■ How to handle child makes you uncomfortable, occur with greater frequency. leave the room. If necessary, turn a tantrum on the radio and lock yourself in School-agers 1. Try to remain calm. Shaking, the bathroom for a few minutes. Older children are typically spanking, or screaming at your Hold—Physically restrain more tolerant of frustrating child tends to make the tantrum children if they are “out of situations, but they too get overly worse instead of better. Set a control” (may harm themselves tired, hungry, and irritable. positive example for your child and others). You also might say Although school-age children by remaining in control of something like: “I can see you are have developed stronger prob- yourself and your emotions. angry right now and I am going lem-solving skills, they are faced 2. Pause before you act. Take at to hold you until you calm down. with increasingly complex social least 30 seconds to decide how I won’t let you hurt me or anyone situations, and need to refine their you will handle the tantrum. else.” Often this approach can be problem-solving skills. Learning Four possible ways to deal with comforting to a child. Children to get along with friends, work as a tantrum include: don’t like to be out of control. It part of a team, or compete in a Distract—Try to get your scares them. An adult who is able sport requires skills that many child’s attention focused on to take charge of the situation, older kids haven’t fully developed something else. If your child remain calm and in control, can yet. Kids who have limited prob- screams when you take away be very reassuring. lem-solving skills or difficulty something unsafe (like mommy’s 3. Wait until your child calms expressing themselves with words purse) offer something else to down before talking about the are more likely to have temper play with. This technique works situation. It’s difficult to reason tantrums or fits of anger. Older well with toddlers. with a screaming child. Insist Remove—Take your child to on a cooling down period and a quiet, private place to calm follow-up with a discussion down. At home this may be the about behavior. Use this oppor- child’s room or a special “cooling tunity to teach your child down” place. Out in public it acceptable ways to handle anger may mean sitting outside for a few and difficult situations. With minutes or in the car. Avoid trying practice, preschoolers and to talk or reason with a scream- school-agers can learn: ing child. It doesn’t work! Stay • How to ask for help, nearby until your child • When to go somewhere to calms down. Then you cool down, can talk and return to • How to try a more successful whatever you were doing. way of doing something, and • How to express their feelings • Offer real choices. Don’t say, ■ Read more about it! and emotions in words “Would you like to take your For more information on help- (rather than hitting, kicking, nap?” unless you are prepared ing children deal with anger and or screaming). to honor your child’s choice not learn self-control see extension 4. Comfort and reassure your to nap. Instead try, “It’s nap publications: child. Tantrums scare most time now.” Getting Along series, PM 1650 - kids. They often are not able to • Choose your battles carefully. 1653 understand the reason for their Say “No” to things that are Understanding Children: Disciplin- anger and generally feel shaken really important. Avoid fighting ing your preschooler, PM 1529b when it is all over. They need to over little things. Understanding Children: Disciplin- know that you do not approve • Give your child a few minutes ing your toddler, PM 1529c of their behavior, but that you warning before you end an Growing into Middle Childhood: still love them. activity. Saying “We are going to 5- to 8-year-olds, PM 1174a leave the park and go home in a Growing out of Middle Childhood: ■ An ounce of few minutes,” or “I wonder what 9- to 12-year-olds, PM 1174b prevention we can cook for supper when we Balancing Work and Family: Avoid- get home,” helps your child get ing the morning rush, PM 1404a Tantrums are a normal part of growing up. All children will ready for change. Balancing Work and Family: Coming have them sometime. If tantrums • Help children not to “get in home and making the transition, seem to be happening often, you over their heads.” Children PM 1404f might consider the following need challenging activities, but Ages and Stages: 2-year-olds, suggestions. not so challenging that they PM 1530d experience overwhelming http://www.extension.iastate.edu/store/ • Study your child’s tantrums. When and where do they frustration and failure. occur? Who is generally in- volved? What happens before, after, and during a tantrum? Often, looking for patterns can give you clues about conditions or situations that bring out the tantrum in your child. • Set realistic limits and help children stick to a regular routine. Predictable mealtimes and bedtimes are particularly important. Tantrums—A Plan of Action When do tantrums occur?
Where do tantrums happen?
Who is generally included?
What happens before, after, and during a tantrum?
Things I can do to prevent a tantrum from occurring.
Ways that I can handle the tantrum when it occurs.
Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extension
family life specialist. Illustrations by Lonna Nachtigal. Graphic design by Valerie Dittmer King.
File: Family life 8
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Disciplining an Explosive Child: How to Discipline your Toddler with No-Drama Strategies | A New Approach of Positive Parenting to Empower Complex Kids (ADHD, Anger Management for Parents)