Empower Parents & Families

Resources & strategies for parents and families who have a teen who has been the
target of bullying or who has a teen that’s engaged in bullying behavior.

How to respond if your child has been the target of bullying.

If your child has reached out to you and asked you for help to handle a bullying situation, what would you say or do? Here,
we provide some general tips and strategies to help you have a successful conversation and handle the most frequently
reported problems of bullying. Remember, you are the expert about your own child and also the role model for how to
handle difficult situations.

step | one
Set yourself up for a successful conversation with your child.

1. Take your child seriously and listen. If your child wants
to talk to you about a bullying situation, take it seriously.
Your ability to listen to your child and understand their
feelings and experiences means everything to your child.
It is a basic human need to be heard and understood.
2. Find the best space to have the conversation. Find a
private place to talk with your child where you both will
be comfortable and your child feels safe to talk freely.
Consider taking a walk or going for a snack. Give your child
the physical distance they need during the conversation.
3. Before you talk to your child, check in with your own
feelings. Take a deep breath, recognize the strong
emotions you might have about the situation, and, most
importantly, manage them before you talk with your child.
4. Remember, you are the role model. Your child is learning
about the best and worst ways to respond to challenging
situations like bullying from watching you. Your feelings
are contagious. If you stay calm, your child will more likely
be calm and learn how to deal with challenging situations
effectively. If you notice you are still upset and not sure
you can stay calm while talking to your child, hold off until
you feel ready to have a successful conversation.

© Facebook 2016
step | two
Talk with your child about the problem.
Bullying comes in many forms online, including someone
saying mean things, spreading rumors, posting an
inappropriate photo of your child, someone not leaving
leave your child alone, or someone making threatening
remarks to your child. The first step to helping your child is
to be a good listener and then talk through the problem.
1. Give your child unconditional support. No matter what
has happened, let your child know you will listen to them.
Let your child get out the full story without interrupting
or criticizing them. Your child needs to feel emotionally
safe in order to be open and honest with you. Reassure
your child that you will not go behind their back to “fix or
report” the problem and that you will work with them to
find a positive resolution.
Some key points to guide your initial conversation:
• B
 e a good listener; don’t put words into your child’s mouth
or jump to conclusions.
• U
 se a calm and steady voice throughout the conversation.
Avoid using harsh or accusatory language, which can
result in your child either shutting down or becoming
more upset.
• A
 void being judgmental or critical about what behavior
they were engaged in before the bullying incident.
• Do not blame your child for being the target of bullying.
• A
 void making promises you can’t keep, but do reassure
your child that you want to help find a successful
resolution to the problem, and that you will do your best
to make sure their life doesn’t get more difficult.
2. Use gentle exploration and empathy. This will help you to
find out what happened, how your child feels about it, and
what they might want to do. Make sure your child knows
that the reason you are asking questions is because you
need all the facts, so you can do your best to help them
solve the problem.
Check out our Conversation Starters:
Example Conversation Starter: “I’m so sorry this happened
to you, and I’m glad you told me. Can you tell me more about
what happened and how you are feeling?”
Avoid comments like: “I told you not to be friends with
(aggressor’s name).” or “Come on – you’re making a big deal
about nothing – bullying is just a stage every kid goes through.”
Additional conversation starters include:
• “ (Child’s Name), that sounds upsetting I can understand
why you are feeling angry, afraid, sad, embarrassed. Let’s
go find a quiet place so we can talk privately.”
• “ (Child’s Name), I’m so glad you told me. You did the right
thing and I promise I will do my best to help you manage
this. As long as you are not in any danger, I won’t do
anything you don’t want me to do.”
• “ (Child’s Name), I’d like to know if you have experienced
other mean things like this. It’s good for both of us to
think through this together.”
• “ (Child’s Name), bullying is not ok. I know it’s difficult for
you to talk about it. I really want to help you figure out
what to do.”
If your child is being threatened, you might say something
like the following:
• “ (Child’s Name), it’s never ok for someone to threaten you.
I’m really glad you came to me. Let’s talk through this
together and figure out what to do.”
• “ (Child’s Name), I can see why you are so upset about this,
this is something that we need to take care of right away.
You did the right thing coming to me.”
If your child doesn’t want to do anything about it:
• T his is a time when adult family members need to use
their best judgment. Your child might not want to do
anything because they are afraid of losing a relationship,
escalating the situation, being bullied again, or are
uncomfortable expressing themselves.
• S
 ome kids don’t want to be a “tattle tale” and are afraid
of getting someone in trouble. It’s important to make
sure that’s not the reason your child doesn’t want to do
anything. Explain the difference between “tattling” and
“helping.” Tattling is about getting someone in trouble
– usually when it’s not dangerous. Telling someone that
you have been bullied isn’t tattling, it’s helping ensure the
safety of someone who might be in trouble.
2
step | three
Work with your child on an action plan. Empower your child to come up with a few ways to deal with the situation.
Sometimes an initial plan doesn’t work out and it’s important to have multiple options.

Here are some ways to help your child manage the most
common types of bullying. If it’s a serious situation (e.g.,
someone is threatening your child), take immediate action
because your child’s safety is the priority.
1. Solve the problem together. Ask your child what they
want to do and how you can help.
 irst, ask fact-finding and open-ended questions to better
F
understand what happened.
Example Conversation Starters:
• “In order to best help you, I need to know what
happened and who was involved.”
• “What was going on between you and the person before
this happened?”
• “Let’s look at the photo/post together.”
If you feel like you need more information or are not
satisfied with what you are hearing, ask “What else might we
do?” to help generate alternative solutions.
2. Using Facebook to create an action plan. Some issues
between friends on Facebook can be handled with the
multiple tools that Facebook offers.
 irst, ask fact-finding and open-ended questions to better
F strongly that it is the right thing to do, be sure you are
understand what happened.
• Block the person. Your child may want to block the
person altogether. This prevents the account who is being
blocked from starting conversations with your child or
seeing things that your child posts. They will also no
longer be able to find each other on Facebook.
3. What to do if you and/or your child think the situation
can be handled offline. Brainstorm some action steps that
each of you think are realistic and likely to be effective.
General tips:
• If your child is being physically threatened, feeling
scared or has any other strong emotions about what has
happened, let them know that you are there for them
and will do everything you can to ensure their safety.
Explore with your child who else might help to resolve the
problem like a trusted teacher or friend.
• If your child expresses emotional distress or thoughts of
self-harm it is important to seek help from a mental health
professional immediately and make sure your child is not
left alone. You can ask a school counselor or psychologist
for advice.
• It’s best not to contact the parents of the bully when you
are upset, to avoid escalating the situation. If you feel
calm and motivated to find a positive outcome.

Here are a few things to know about reporting on Facebook:
• Reporting is easy. Nearly every piece of content on
Facebook has a ‘Report’ link.
• Revisit with your child access to instant messaging,
e-mail, social networking websites, cell phone or the
Internet in general.

• Social Reporting tools enable you to solve many

problems effectively. Facebook enables you to report
issues either directly to the person you are having an issue
with OR to a trusted members of your community. Explore
this option from the Report link.

• Your child can report the post to Facebook. If you click

this box in the report flow, Facebook endeavors to review
every post in a timely manner. If the post or photo does
violate the terms, it will be removed.

• Unfriend the person. Your child might want to unfriend

the person. This means the person will be removed from
their Facebook friend list. You will no longer see their
posts in your Newsfeed.
3
Options to consider for more serious incidents: If the person has physically harmed your child or is
threatening to physically harm your child, has sexually
• If the person who you are reporting is part of the school
exploited your child or is seeking to sexually exploit your child,
community, decide with your child who the best person
or has shared intimate images of your child or is threatening
would be to talk to at their school such as the principal,
to share those images, you should report this to the police.
a counselor or a trusted teacher.
Even if your child initially shared the intimate images
– Conversation Starter: “Your safety is the most important
thinking they could trust this person, resharing these
thing. It is really important to let someone at your
images or threatening to do so to extort your child is against
school know, so they can help prevent this from
the law. In fact, any time anyone shares naked photos of a
happening again. Who do you trust the most that we
minor online it violates child pornography laws. You and
could talk to together?”
your child should contact law enforcement. You also might
• If the person is using an online service to target your find it helpful to seek the guidance of an attorney.
child, report the content to the online service provider,
– Conversation Starter: “(Child’s Name) – I know you
and ask them to remove the offensive material.
thought you could trust this person and but sending
– Report the incident or offensive profiles to your service naked photos of someone under the age of 18, even of
provider and request the post be taken down. yourself, is against the law. It’s important that we reach
out to law enforcement. I know it sounds scary but we
– Trace e-mails and text messages. Attempt to identify
can do this together. The person threatening you is
the perpetrator.
doing something wrong. It is not okay for them to do
– Save the evidence, i.e. print screen or save pages. this to you even if you gave them the photos.”

• Report to law enforcement for serious incidents (threats,

intimidation or exploitation)

step | four
Follow up with your child.

1. Ensure your child feels safe to go back to school. Work on – Help your child to come up with a positive message
a plan with your child for how they will navigate their day. they can say to themselves when they see the person
who bullied them such as, “I have tons of friends and
• Suggest to your child they find a close friend to be with
am strong and capable.”
at school the following day. Ask your child who they
would choose to make sure they have someone they can – Work with your child on what they might say and
turn to when they feel uncomfortable or unsafe. their “stance” if they have to interact with the person
who bullied them. For example, they should stand at a
• If your child doesn’t have a friend to ask, suggest that
distance and use a calm and even voice.
they choose an older brother or sister, relative, or
trusted teacher. – If the problem was resolved – the post or photo was
removed – your child should not go out of their way to
• Roleplaying can help your child learn and practice
approach the bully, however, if their relationship has
strategies to handle possible scenarios that might occur
the potential for being repaired, they can thank them
at school (e.g., seeing the bully in class or the hallway).
and let them know that they did the right thing.
– Your child should use simple, direct language – and if
2. Check in with your child. At the end of your initial
they have to interact with the bully, they should try to
conversation and each day for a few weeks check in to
avoid showing anger or fear, but rather show they are
make sure they feel comfortable and safe at school. You
calm and confident.
also want to be sure that the situation as been handled as
best as possible.

4
How to respond if your child has bullied someone else.
If you found out that your child has bullied someone else, or your child reached out to you for help
handling the situation, what would you say or do?

You are the expert on your own child. But, this likely will be a sensitive conversation, so here are some general tips to work
towards a positive interaction, and specific strategies to help you handle the situation.

You are the expert on your own child. But, this likely will be a saying to yourself, “I love my child and want the best for
sensitive conversation, so here are some general tips to work him/her, so I will remain calm when we talk” can help
towards a positive interaction, and specific strategies to help you to remain calm and guide the conversation in the
you handle the situation. right direction.

1. Set yourself up for a successful conversation with
your child.
• Find the best space to have the conversation. Find a
private place to talk with your child where you will
both be comfortable and your child will feel safe to talk
freely. You might consider taking a walk or going for a
snack. Give your child the physical distance they need
during the conversation.
• Take a moment before you talk to your child to check-in
and manage your own feelings. This includes: taking a
deep breath, recognizing the strong emotions you may
have about the situation, and managing them before
you talk with your child. Using positive “self-talk,” like
– If you feel like you might say something to your child
you will regret, it’s important to remember that
everyone makes mistakes. This challenging moment
presents an opportunity to help your child develop
empathy and learn healthier ways to treat others.
• Remember, you are the role model. Your child is
learning about the best and worst ways to respond to
challenging situations like bullying from watching you.
Your feelings are contagious. If you stay calm, your kids
will more likely be calm and learn how to deal with
challenging situations effectively. If you notice you are
still upset and not sure you can stay calm while talking
to your child, hold off until you feel ready to have a
successful conversation.

5
 • Give your child support, and listen. No matter what has
happened, let your child know you will listen to them
without interrupting or criticizing them. Your child
needs to feel emotionally safe to be open and honest
with you. Reassure your child that you will not go
behind their back and that you will work with them to
find a positive resolution.
– You likely will have judgments about what happened,
especially if your child has disappointed you with
their mean behavior. However, it is important for you
not to express those judgments in a critical way. Try
your best not to say things like, “What’s wrong with
you? Are you stupid?” Rather, say something like “I am
disappointed that this happened. This is serious – it
is not ok for you or anyone else to spread rumors/say
mean things/threaten, etc.”
2. Talk with your child about the problem. Some key points
to guide your initial conversation include:
• Find out what happened. Find out exactly what
happened, how long it has been happening, and if
anything that has happened after it has been reported.
– Your background knowledge of your child’s
relationship with the person who was bullied, could
influence how you discuss and handle the situation.
– When asking your child about what happened, be a
good listener; don’t put words into your child’s mouth,
or jump to conclusions.
• Communicate your values. Let your child know that
bullying behavior is unacceptable and that there will
be consequences. Remind your child of important key
values like kindness, respect and empathy.
If you find out from someone else that your child has been
engaging in bullying behavior:
• Conversation Starter: “(Child’s Name), I got an upsetting
call from someone today who told me that you have
been saying mean things/spreading rumors/etc. about
one of your classmates. I’m very disappointed to hear
this. It’s not ok and you must stop immediately. Tell me
exactly what happened so we decide what action needs
to be taken.”
If your child discloses to you that they have been engaging
in bullying behavior:
• Conversation Starter: “(Child’s Name), it took courage
for you to tell me this when you know how upsetting
it would be for me to hear. I’m not going to scream and
yell, but I want you to know that it’s never ok to say
mean things/spread rumors/etc. Let’s sit down and talk
through the situation so we can figure out the best way
to handle this.”
If you find out the situation involved psychological harm
or physical threats to another person; You will want to take
immediate action after hearing your child’s side of the story,
because everyone’s safety is priority.
• Conversation Starter: “(Child’s Name), I just found
out that you threatened to hurt/said really mean
things about one of your classmates. I’m incredibly
disappointed and need you to know that this is
unacceptable behavior. Tell me what your reason was
for doing this.”
3. Explore the best possible solutions to the problem and
take responsible action.
• Decide on your course of action. With your child, decide
how the situation will be handled both on and off line.
– Decide on the consequences. Let your child know that
in your home there are consequences for being mean
or hurtful to others. For some families this means
taking away technology privileges, for others it means
curtailing time spent with friends.
– Stay firm if your child begs you not to do anything,
or does not want to do anything, let them know that
their behavior is not acceptable and that there will be
consequences. You also must be consistent – that is
follow through with whatever consequences were set.
– If the bullying happened online, help your child
remove the offensive content if they have not already
done so. You might ask your child to imagine how they
would feel if someone had posted something like this
about them.
– Avoid making promises you can’t keep. But do
reassure your child that you want to find a successful
resolution to the problem and will do your best to
make sure their life doesn’t get more difficult through
actions you will take.
– Learn as much as possible. It will be important to find
out whether this behavior is new for your child or
whether something else might have occurred that you
do not know about. This will help you decide on how
you will handle this at home, including consequences,
or seeking professional counseling for your child.
6
 • Some recommended solutions to help your child resolve
the problem with the target:
– If this occurred at school, make an appointment with
the principal to reinforce that you will work with
school administration and your child to handle the
situation as best as possible; that you will follow the
school’s policy about the consequences for your child
and that there will be consequences at home for your
child’s behavior.
– Encourage your child to apologize privately and/or
publicly. Decide whether your child can do it alone, or
may need your guidance to write the language for an
authentic, meaningful apology.
Example of Parent’s coaching for private Apology:
• “ (Child’s Name) – What you did is not okay and you need
to take responsibility for your actions. First, you need to
remove the post/photo, and ask anyone who forwarded
it to pull it down as well. If it happens again, your
technology privileges will be taken away.”
Example Public apology:
• “ (Child’s Name) – Let’s sit together and think about how
you can apologize to all the people your note went to.”
The note you help your child write to whoever received
can be something like, “On Thursday I wrote something
on X’s wall that was really disrespectful. I was wrong to
do it and am sorry. I apologized to X and want everyone
to know that what I wrote was not true.”
If your child is the target of bullying and has agreed for you
to reach out to the school.
(Note: Most schools only get involved if the bullying behavior happened
using school-based technology or if off-campus behavior results in
disruption of the learning environment of other students)
Example Parent to Teacher Conversation Starter:
• “ I just learned that (Child’s Name) was bullied by NAME.
My child is extremely upset, as am I. There is nothing more
important to me than my child’s safety and well-being –
and I need the school to handle this immediately. What is
your policy for dealing with situations like this? How can
we be sure that this will not happen again? I also would
like to know the consequences for the child who bullied
my child, and most importantly what can be done to help
my child feel safe returning to school?
If your child is the bully and you need to reach out to the
school (or the school has reached out to you).
Example Parent to Teacher Conversation Starters:
• “ I’m here because I got a call that my child has bullied
another child. Obviously, I’m very upset to learn that
this happened. I’ve heard my child’s story, but please tell
me what you know about the situation. Who else was
involved? Is there any history to this problem?
• “ I’d like my (Child’s Name) to apologize to the child he hurt,
and I’d like your help in figuring out the best possible way
to do that.”
• “ I know my child did something that was seriously wrong
and s/he has apologized to the other child. I still need to
know how it’s going to be handled in your class. Are there
lessons on how to deal with emotions and conflict? What
are you going to say to the class? How can we make sure
both my child and the other child feel safe coming back to
school for the mistake s/he made.”
If your child is the bully and you need to reach out to the
parent of the child s/he bullied.
Example Parent to Parent Conversation Starters (on phone):
• F
 RIEND – “NAME, I’m so sorry I just learned that my son/
daughter spread a rumor (identify incident) about your
child. (Child’s Name) understands that this is completely
unacceptable. What do you know about the situation? I
want to make sure your child knows that {Child’s Name}
wants to apologize if you and your son/daughter are
ready to accept it. We will do everything possible to make
sure this never happens again.”
• U
 NKNOWN CLASSMATE – “NAME, this is NAME and I’m
reaching out to you because I want you to know how
terribly sorry we are about what happened between our
children. I don’t know all of the circumstances, but I want
to let you know that I’ll be talking to my child about it. I
will do everything I possibly can to make sure it doesn’t •
happen again and ensure that (Child’s Name) apologizes.
Please accept my apologies.”
7
4. Be clear about the consequences and follow through. • I F YOU INTEND TO INVOLVE THE SCHOOL - “I’d also like
If you have not established consequences for bullying you to know that I’m going to contact our children’s
behavior, do it now and follow through. Whatever teacher, to make sure the school has something in place to
consequences you decide on should be firmly applied, communicate to all kids that bullying is not ok. Of course
taking into consideration the severity of the incident and I’m going to ask the school to keep it confidential, but
the child’s comprehension of the hurt they have inflicted. my child is afraid to go to school and the most important
For example, some families decide to limit or take away thing is that my child feels safe at school.”
technology privileges at home for a period of time.
5. Opportunities that you might want to explore, include:
If your child has been bullied and you need to reach out to
• G
 et more involved with your child’s activities both offline
the bully’s parent.
and online. Pay close attention to your child’s Internet and
Example Parent Bullied Child to Parent Conversation Starters cell phone activities to ensure that they have are behaving
(on phone): in ways that are aligned with your family’s values.

• “ Hi, NAME, this is NAME, my son/daughter (Child’s Name)
told me that your son/daughter has been spreading
rumors (identify incident) about him/her. Do you have a
few minutes to talk about this?
• W
 hen talking to an OPEN-MINDED PARENT – Thank you
for taking the time to talk about this. As you can imagine,
my child and I are both very upset about what happened.
The most important thing for us is that this never happens
again and my child feels safe and comfortable to go back
to school. I hope you can talk to your child about this
and encourage him/her to apologize directly to my child.
It would be even better if your child could post a public
apology to the group that received the message. I’m
sure you can understand why this so important for us to
handle immediately.”
• L ook for educational opportunities everyday such as
watching movies with your child that have a bullying
theme and then discussing them as a family.
• T alk with the principal of your school about bringing a
social and emotional learning program to your child’s
school. Find out what your school is doing to build a
positive climate so your child feels safe, comfortable, and
is able to learn. Also learn whether social and emotional
skills instruction and training in conflict resolution is part
of the curriculum.
• C
 onsider counseling. Especially for severe or ongoing
cases, counseling can explore the reason for their
behavior, in a safe and confidential manner.

• W
 hen talking to a DEFENSIVE PARENT – I can understand
that it is difficult to hear this about NAME, but it’s
really important for me to talk to you directly about
this because the post was extremely upsetting to my
child. I hope we can both agree that spreading rumors is
unacceptable. Maybe there is a way for us to find out more
about what happened between them so they can help
them to resolve this in a better way. The most important
thing for me is that my child feels safe and comfortable in
school. I’m sure you feel the same for your child. Would it
be possible for you to work with your child to apologize?
It would be even better if your child could post a public
apology to the group that received the message. I hope
you agree that the most important thing is to ensure that
this never happens again ”