Leeds Point Weekly News

C4

Alien Invasions Coming Soon, Missing Scientist Warns

By Ernest S. Leeds, Leeds Point Weekly Cryptid PINE BARRENS, NJEver since Polish astronomer George Adamski reported his contactee experiences, committed scientists have claimed aliens are visiting earth and conducting sinister experiments, but the reality is far more terrifying than previously imagined. On September 1, 2010, another Adamski came forward to warn the world of impending existential crisis. Y.B. Adamski, a reclusive member of a secret society of geniuses, leaked a document showing countless alien invasions are coming soon. According to inside sources, the document contains a math proof based on normal logic but involving a radical new method for calculating the number of alien civilizations, rendering obsolete the Sagan equation once used by NASA scientists to assess the risk of alien invasion. Adamskis method shows the galaxy is massively overpopulated, and an endless procession of alien invasions is both inevitable and imminent. The news is sending shockwaves throughout the international high IQ emergency response network, but reactions to Adamski are mixed. A team member of NASAs Project Stardust, who insists on anonymity, describes him as angular, cryptic, and a walking compendium of the rarest of rare theories. His final notes are indecipherable, complains retired chess champion Barelf Trank, His brain is riddled with Adamskis disease. B. Wander Dreckwhit, former Fermilab physicist, offers this explanation: He hasnt attended a professional scientific conference since he was thirteen years old. This flying saucers business is nothing more than a bid for attention by a has been. Respected theologian, Sir Rid Crash, comments, His delusions are the natural consequence of too much self-experimentation, if you know what I mean. The preposterous notion of otherworldly creatures in the desertor

Pine Barrens Photo Courtesy of Primitive Folk Art

elsewherehas no Biblical basis. But Bradon Towers, Y.B. Adamskis colleague at Planet Lurus, a virtual think tank, has a different opinion: Hes a onein-a-million genius, a true polymath. The situation is very disturbing. Just picture an alien lurking behind your easy chair. If Y.B. says the only way to stop these alien invasions is by adopting his new kind of logic, then we have to take action before anything like that happens. SETI founder and alleged contactee, Brenn Martiann, agrees: Y.B. is low key and deeply existential, probably a complex function of his 215 IQ and nominative determinism. Still, his contributions to SETI warrant an honorary doctorate in metaphysicsplus he has access to the rumored Brodmanns Area 51 and the legendary Coyotes Imageso if he thinks something stinks like carrion, then something surely does. Adamski couldnt be found for comment. Inside sources say he was last seen at a roadside diner near Ongs Hat, NJ, where he was overheard muttering nervously about doppelgngers and chaos and complaining loudly about a poached egg. Before retreating into the Pine Barrens, he frantically scribbled detailed notes on a paper napkin with instructions to send it to a trusted epidemiologist in Jacksonville, FL. The document is due to appear in a special issue of Termite, the journal of the prestigious Lewis M. Terman Society.

Saturday, September 4, 2010