Sorin Cerin

The origin of God

-Exodus-

“The origin of God by Sorin Cerin. ISBN 1-58939-892-0

Published 2006 by Virtualbookworm.com Publishing Inc., P.O. Box 9949, College
Station,Tx,77842,US, © 2006 Sorin Cerin.All rights reserved.No part of this publications
may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmited in any form or by any
means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the prior written
permission of Sorin Cerin.
Manufactured in the United States of America.

Chapter 1
In nomine Patris et Fili et Spiritus Sancti,
Amen,
Lectio Sancti Evangelii secundum, Mateum
I feel that the power is leaving me, I am worse and worse. Some sort of claw is
grabbing my chest. I don't want the other cardinals to see that Cardinal Anthony Mc
Coulough is falling ill right in front of the Holy Shrine, before reading the Holy Gospel

2
of Mathew. Tonight the cardinals' isolation in Conclave will proceed, for appointing a
new Pope. I feel my collapse is near. Oh God, I know that my destiny is in Your hands,
please don't leave me, stay by my side. I want to become a Pope by all means. God,
maybe they will choose me to serve You better than I did before. I want white smoke to
be seen after the Conclave. I want them to shout"Habemus Papa" and I want me to be
the elected one. Habemus Papa! Right now I feel I am breaking down and my clothes
are heavier and heavier. The few young priests practicing under my guidance are
looking at me, pryingly. Or maybe it is just an impression, anyway I feel like I'm
not myself any more. Maybe they are wondering why cardinal Mc Coulough does not
put his hands together and does not start with the reading of the Gospel. And they see
all these happen to me, the cardinal who has told them more than once not to separate
their hands under the cloak, but to keep them put together. I have run out of air. I am
suffocating, as if all the air in the world has been stolen and kept far away from any
human soul. I am collapsing. A young priest is coming to me. I can hear a murmur, the
amazement of the people inside the Basilica of San Pietro where the sermon is delivered
this morning.
"Father, are you sick?" the priest asks me.
I'm ill, I can't speak, and I feel my tongue as if it were made of lead. Now I realize
I have fallen, I am lying down near the altar. Is it really me? Who am I? I was born
sixty eight years ago in a district at the outskirts of New York. My parents were Irish
emigrants, in one of the cheep areas of Brooklyn, with long rows of blocks of flats with
narrow rooms that seemed to be looking at you, not only at your body, but at your soul
as well. In spite of that, all my life I held dear the memory of those flats of my early
childhood and that feeling of being watched had become friendly to me and, I have to
admit it, it was part of my being. I can't imagine what our life would look like
without the feeling of being crushed. We would never have otherwise the feeling
of openness. I feel an enormous cliff is falling from the skies on my heart, crushing it,
while a rope is strangling my neck. Both crushed and hung, that's all I am feeling now.
Even if they crushed me, I used to love those cheap small rooms in Brooklyn. But now,
the same sensation of being crushed frees my soul from the cliff that presses my heart.
There is a black veil before my eyes, like on a cloudy but moonless night in the woods
from Colorado. I was a student in a school in Brooklyn when on a summer holiday I
and a few colleagues and the geography teacher took a trip to Colorado. I understood
then that God was with me in the darkness of the night, and that it means more than the
morning sun rays. I had got lost from the others. The night had come and I was shaking
with fear. The heavy darkness was crushing my soul, like this cliff was crushing my
heart. I suddenly said to myself: Help me, God! I don't know what came to me and why
I said those words. A kind of peace I had never known before came upon my spirit. It
was for the first time I had felt God beside me. He did not talk to me, I could not hear
Him, but I knew God was there, in a place known only to my heart and to me. I started
to grope into the darkness, and within my soul I was talking to God. He gave me inner
peace and safety, which I needed so much, on that night when my childhood wandered
away for a moment and it left room for a little bit of maturity, which told me that I
should become a priest. I cannot forget the happiness I felt when I arrived at the cabin,
and which gave me my childhood back, but never did it allow me to forget the few
moments of maturity I lived when I was nine. I had discovered maturity on a dark night
in Colorado, like the one I was living now. I got lost then and now I am lost again,
despite my will. I was lost on that night and I found the way to God and my destiny in
life by means of the loss itself. I can hear everything around me but I don't see a
thing."What is wrong with the cardinal?" asks a priest.
"I don't know," says another voice.

3
"Have you called an ambulance?" this voice sounds familiar.
"It seems to be a cardiac arrest."
"Cardiac arrest?"
"Unbutton his shirt."
"Yes, immediately."
"Cardinal, can you hear me?"
"I can hear you all right, I can hear you!"
"Leave him alone, father, he cannot speak."
"I can speak to you, I can hear you and I am even shouting at you, and you cannot
hear me? I am not ready to die. I have never been ready to die, even if I taught the
others how to get ready for that."
"Let's see his pulse."
"Oh, God, help the cardinal."
"Help him, God, since he used to be such a special man."
Was I really a special man or only a hyena, willing for new positions and honors?
Why all that, since man is nothing before God, since I knew that everything is vanity
and we never take our possessions with us into the other world? Why is it now when I
am asking this question? I could have asked this question tens of years ago. Not now.
What is to be done? My only chance is to try to find God like I did when I was nine and
got lost in Colorado. I don't understand now why I cannot find Him now like I did then.
I am definitely another person.
"The ambulance is here, Cardinal," I hear a priest's voice."I don't think he can hear
me..."
"I'm so glad they came," I answer. I can hear everything, but probably I cannot
speak.
"Quickly, let's put him on a stretcher and let's take him to the ambulance, we
should try to reanimate him. His pulse is almost zero. Maybe he has not died yet."
"I'm not dead, doctor. I can hear all you say. How did you check my pulse? I
haven't felt a thing."
"Is he alive, doctor?"
"Yes, he is alive.""Thank you, God, for not letting the cardinal die." I hear a
priest's voice, followed by the murmur of the crowd in the San Pietro Basilica in
Vatican. Will the Conclave be over tomorrow night and a new Pope will be elected?
Will the smoke be white?
In the darkness I can finally see a spark of light drawing near me from far away
within myself. What a strange feeling! I have always felt space outside of my soul and
not inside of it. The light is stronger and stronger, and it gains blurry contours, and I
finally see my own mother, whom I had lost fifty years before. I don't know what to
think. All the voices around me are gone. It’s just me and my mother.
"I missed you so much, Tommy, all this while since I could not talk to you,
although I was right beside you, as a butterfly, or a wasp that you banished from your
room. I often visited you in the rays of the morning sun that shone upon your destiny,
my dear child."
"I can't believe it's you see, mother, that I can hear your voice after so many years.
It's so good to utter this word for real and not in your mind, dear mother. It's hard for
the motherless, regardless of their age."
"Oh, Tommy, my son..."
"I can hear a voice: there's no use trying to reanimate him, he's dead."
"No one has called me Tommy in tens of years. Where are we actually? Do you
know I felt a cliff crushing my heart?"
"I know, Tommy."

4
"What will happen to me now?"
"I cannot tell you because only God will decide the place where you will be."
"OK, but where am I currently?"
"Now, my dear Tommy..." my mother said, crying like she did when I was only
five and the owner of the flat wanted to evict us. It had been for the first time I had
grieved with my mother although, on the other hand, I was happy because it was
snowing nicely in Brooklyn.
"Where, currently..." I asked her again.
"You are nowhere, Tommy, nowhere, nowhere..." mother says while she is
wandering away from me, becoming a shapeless ray of light that got lost into the
darkness."
"There's no use trying to reanimate him, he's dead..." a voice says.
"Who's dead? I'm not dead; I'm as alive as I can be." Gradually, the black
background in front of me fades away, and the dawn reappears, gaining persistent
shapes. The deep night becomes a foggy morning where all kind of shapes appear, and
they are all strange. Is this the morning of death or the dawn of a new life? The fog
disappears gradually and I can see two doctors and one nurse around me. I am in an
ambulance running to nowhere.
"Where are we going, Doctor?" I ask. Strangely enough, the two doctors do not
hear me. I try to move my mouth. I can do that, too. Then why do they pretend not to
hear me? I feel I can move my hands and my feet.
"Where are we going, doctor?" I shout this time. No one pays attention to me. I try
to stand up. I feel in good shape. This can't be, Anthony Mc Coulough, maybe I am
crazy and that is why these people think I should not be taken into consideration. Me
crazy? Am I delirious? Although I am standing up, my body is lying on the stretcher in
the ambulance. More than this, I can feel I am floating in the air. What a nice sensation
is floating in the air, after crawling on the ground an entire lifetime! Am I dead? Is this
life after death? I don't understand why am I floating above the stretcher where my inert
body is lying?"
In vain I shout as loud as I can, no one hears me. Actually, I probably don't have a
mouth, but only the sensation of having one. I am just a spirit. God have mercy and
show me the way where I can tread on my death on the path to the afterworld. I, the
crazy, the merry and the sad, the rascal and the saint, Anthony McCoulough, the
unlucky and the lucky one, a man of the vanity fair of the four corners of the world, of
the four cardinal pillars of the endless horizons given by feeling and spirit of life from
you, God, so that we should know there is always a Where and a Way and that never
the cardinal pillars will move, despising life because they have been built for life to lean
against them in the deadening struggle for survival. So God, if we did not fight fairly in
this struggle it was only because I always wanted to be one farther than the others, so
that I can become a winner and never a loser. Was I really a winner because I was a
cardinal?
Have I really defeated my own life or did it defeat me, giving me the final strike
not when I was facing it, but more slyly, when I was in the arms of death. Maybe now
life is following me into death, to defeat me, as it was not able to defeat me when I was
in its arms. It is just as untrue to me in my death as I was to it when I was alive. How I
wish I could live under the sun for one more day! Only in this moment of the truth
represented by the life after death do I realize more the vainness of the moments lived
under the sun. Hardly now do I realize that everything we leave behind in the universal
background that is like a celestial library is the good we did in our life and that is all.
The rest of it is vanity. An astral thought is telling me in my spirit that in the forgotten
pasts of mankind the spirits who were born in order to die were full of kindness,

5
compassion, and understanding. There were no social layers, as we know them and no
people of the power to decide over other destinies. Without a certain social structure the
people did not want to become winners against other people, and thus they did not
increase the fund of bad deeds, like it happens now. The only fight left by God for the
spirits was the fight against the nature of badness, that can bring death to them, not only
the bodily death during life but especially the death of the soul. What is actually left
from us, from that amazing box of the Pandora that God gave us in order to empty it
when we need to be guided more on the path of penitence. Not even the Box of Pandora
was enough for us, because it is now empty, like a rotten prostitute, forgotten on a ditch.
What is left of Pandora's Box, given by God to be our guide at the crossroads of the
great times and destinies of man? Vanity, meanness, laziness, theft, lying, envy,
opportunism and so on, since we do not have enough words and never will there be
invented enough words to express the evil generated by mankind by civilization and
knowledge. This evil gradually replaced love, purity, sincerity, truth, beauty, in one
word goodness. So where is Pandora's Box, so it can help us remediate? It certainly got
lost in this existence. Not even the remains of Pandora are left, in order to remediate our
situation by means of the bad things contained by the box, because nowadays those bad
things would be virtues instead of vices. The current society, with its luxurious banks
and dictatorships of the politics and money, with alienated people who keep on running
not knowing where and who struggle aimlessly for a lifetime, all these only for a higher
position in the social hierarchy. Why? Televisions of lying advertisements, of butts
praising sex for money, for the money of some low class pimps. Sex is only
consumption industry and never love. New vulgar artistic trends and growing
promiscuity are treasured because of sold and imbecile critics. This is a society of
mothers who leave their new-born in hospitals, children start taking drugs before
learning how to write or to read, a society full of pain and despair. A society of rape and
crime and priests who sell their soul for a handful of money, after which they go to
confession. They think God is some sort of store at the city outskirts, where a priest
lives among whores and pimps. The priest receives everybody daily for confession, for
their sins over the day to be forgiven, but when a new customer shows up, they sin
again. I used to be such a priest of money. I don't know what I could do to repent now.
God, I admit and I am sorry that there is nothing I can do now, I am in the same
situation I was before my birth. Maybe then I was purer than I am now, after I soiled
myself in the mud under the sun. I am afraid, God, I am a coward and I am unclean
before You. Mercy me, because you are a kind and merciful God, Who has always
known how to forgive. Forgive me, God, in Your big Mercy, Amen.
Then I arrived there in a land of stone. It was Petra. An old city carved in rock in
the Middle East. The sun was burning. A spirit or I don't know what brought me in the
plaza at the centre of the wonderful Petra, where caravans conveying incense took
refuge and had a rest. Long ago, incense was more precious than gold. The spirit or that
unseen force, unknown and still present, asked me to follow it in one of the outstanding
buildings carved in rock, maybe one of the most beautiful portals I had ever seen. Its
architecture expressed a strange feeling, as if the genesis of beauty, of the architectural
style and classicism would have started from Petra. It is important that I entered the
portal and we arrived in a big, cool room, as big as an airport hall. Finally I saw a
narrow door and I was very curious to find out what was behind it, because it was
surrounded by human skulls and bizarre geometrical symbols. I felt that curiosity
intertwined with hope and will, annihilating any will of doubt. An unseen force that
seemed invincible had come from behind that door. I was like a leaf carried by the wind
somewhere, in an undefined, but wanted place. I tried to open the door but I couldn't. I
tried again and again, but in vain. The door did not move and it remained shut, just like

6
in the beginning. I don't know what came to me but I started to punch it, shouting with
all my might: Slam open! Slam open, you door blocking all my burning desires and
hopes! Then I heard a voice coming from behind me, but at the same time it was in
front of me:
"Why do you want to open this door, nameless and wandering soul? You soul who
want to write your destiny, which cannot be written. You lying and ungrateful
apprentice of the Giver of All Hope, Will and Existence! Why would you face with will
and hope the will and hope themselves of the Great Creator of the Universe? You are
not even one trace of dust at the crossroads fo the Great Destiny, because the wind of
the moments has scattered you a long time a go, so that Time does not remember seeing
you, not even before your birth. You, who have faced the Great Creator of the Universe,
plotting, lying, mocking, cursing and gossiping! You who, by your pride, have soiled
even the shrine created by the souls in the world with Time. You and the other unclean
apprentices considered the salvation from sin to be a mill grinding sins incessantly,
during the entire lifetime, and giving virtue instead. What a lie and how much you soil
the salvation!"
Salvation was not given for you to sin, but to give up your life in sin, since it has
once washed away your great sin!"
"Who are you, Voice?" I asked looking at the stone of the cold and impersonal
walls, that seemed to become heavier.
"Who am I? First of all who are you, unclean apprentice, wearing the sign of the
cross on your forehead!"
"I am Anthony Mc Coulough, God's priest".
"So you, a rascal and worthless apprentice, are God's priest! All your life you have
taken all opportunity to appease your thirst for positions and powers. You did
everything you could to become the great priest."
"I have killed no one. I am aware that I did what I had to. So help me God."
"So help you God, you liar. You are the son of the adder, conceived in the total
darkness of dissipation, at the fall of Times, when the rocks of virtue, piousness and
righteousness crumbled. You are such a big liar that you lie even to yourself, and even
the dew would dry away, had it known what an adder is taking joy in it."
"I have killed no one," I repeated.
"I did not say you killed physically, but morally you did. In your thirst for power
you marred even salvation, sinning all the time and like a magician you ran the next day
into the altar room, to wash away your misdeeds. You marred salvation and the martyr.
Your own cross carved by the Destiny on your forehead reads three numbers six instead
of martyrdom."
"Who are you, woman," I shouted with great fear,"Show your face if you really
exist!"
"You want to know who I am? Look at me!" I could not believe my eyes. A most
beautiful woman, adorned with gold, precious stones and emeralds, spreading all
around her a strong myrrh odor, was holding in her hand a golden cup, just like the
Bible says: she was the great Harlot. She must have kept in that cup the filthiness and
the abominations of her dissipation. It read on her forehead: The Great Babylon, the
mother of harlots and of the abominations on the Earth.
It is like in the Revelation in the Holy Bible, chapter seventeen, line five. This is
the woman who got drunk with the blood of the saints and of Jesus's apprentices.
Suddenly I started to hear another voice, it was as strong as a thunder and more
menacing than all the hurricanes of the Earth. A man's voice told me:
"Come to see the judgment of the Great Harlot who sits on many waters."
It was the first line of chapter seventeen in the Book of Revelation. Then I don't

7
know how the eighth line of the same chapter in the Revelation came to my mind.
"The beast I saw was but is no more. This beast will ascend out of the bottomless
pit and go to perdition. And those whose names are not written in the Book of Life from
the foundation of the world will be marveled by when they see it was, it is not and is yet
to come".
I was terrified. The Great Harlot is stronger than the Times whose midwife she had
been at their birth. This time I am looking at her face in great terror. An inner force
urges me to take a stand and to defend myself.
"You, the Great Harlot, are judging me, who has served God for a lifetime?"
"I am your destiny's judge, Anthony McCoulough!"
"Who would have judged me, had I been a Muslim, Shiit, Budhist, Lamaist,
HIndu, Shintoist, Jew or an atheist?"
"Every soul is judged in under its law. No soul can exist without a Law and no law
is tougher or milder than the others. All laws are about the sum of good and bad deeds,
related to their importance. The scales of the Great Creator of the Universe is never
wrong because these scales are the Basic Truth itself."
"Then why the Great Creator has not given us the possibility to know the Basic
Truth?
"If you had known the Basic Truth, the Beginning, the End, the Infinite and the
Destiny, you would no longer be souls, but God. Amen, said the thrilling woman before
me."
"Then why did God create us, just to torment us? Just to see souls subject to
mistakes?"
"Not at all, you worthless apprentice. Would you know what happiness is or selffulfillment
if you had not existed?"
"No, we wouldn't, Great Harlot, but we would not know sufferance and the tough
fight for existence either. Life contains more pain than happiness, more cry than
fulfillment," I shouted to the Great Harlot.
"You are right," she said,"but all souls make for happiness, regardless of the
balance between good or bad deeds."
"I don't understand," I said to the stirring woman.
"Don't you get it? Those souls with a bigger negative load, who have done more
sins, will pay first, and afterwards they will resume their race to the final goal:
Happiness."
"Should I be judged by the Great Harlot?"
"Why does God allow us to sin, just in order to be punished?"
"There is no happiness wihtout pain. God loves you even when He punishes you."
"Is God happy?"
"I, the Great Harlot, cannot say if He is happy or sad. All I know is that He does
not submit Himself to happiness, since He does not need more happiness, as well as He
does not need more sadness.God has them more than anyone else."
"Is it natural for me to be judged by the Great Harlot?" I shouted again, while I
looked againt at the Harlot.
"The Great Harlot might become one day your aim, since I am over your kindness
and sincerity."
"You mean you have more virtues than I do? You, the Great Harlot?"
"Many human ages will pass in the desert of feelings and shallow words before
mankind is mature enough to understand that that they should try to gain the qualities I
have."
"Mankind should desire to become the Great Harlot? Why? Which are the qualities
to be worshipped?"

8
"First of all, I am not a fake harlot and the Great Harlot, the real one, who knows
its name from the Holy Bible. I am the Great Harlot, who will take part in the
mankind’s farewell banquet in the Revelation. Meanness, fakeness, lie, pride, adultery,
cheating, and many others, are my blazons, I take pride in them and I carry them with
me in this harlot heart that is still beating while waiting for the Apocalypse. You,
Anthonu Mc Coulough, after having bathed a lifetime in the waves of mankind, trying
to wash away the dirtiness inside yourself, do you really think you’ve made that? Don’t
you tell me you have not found the soap or that there was no running water at the
showers, because I can’t believe you. Not even I, the Great Harlot, do not understand
God, namely why it was necessary for those village bathing houses called the Moments
of Mankind to be built up? Since not even one soul came out clean from there. Some of
them come to me stinking more or less from their sins, with the dirt from their
misdeeds, all of them dirty from the appalling sins they have purchased at the counter of
their life."
"What about the souls who go to heaven?" I asked the beautiful woman.
"Never and since always, without time and space, has any soul gotten to heaven. In
the event it did, the heaven would immediately turn into hell. Once you have it,
everything you obtain during an existence loses its value and becomes boredom or
anguish. Heaven is a beautiful dream, possibly the weirdest dream that exists beyond
time and spaces. It is the only dream that reminds you how much you need hell, because
from the hell you will be able to admire and understand the beauty of heaven, and from
the heaven the beauty of Hell. I do not understand why people are so much afraid of
hell," the Great Harlot told me.
"Hell is what is worse, there is fire and there are tormented souls, paying for their
sins," I said.
"Tormented souls in hell?" the Great Harlot shouted.
"Yes, they are tormented," I said.
"If they are tormented in hell, what happens to them in heaven?" she asked me,
mockingly.
"They are happy and fulfilled."
"Word, words, words, you, crazy priest.! Why do you think souls are happy in
heaven? Because they eat and drink and have as much fun as much as they want?
Because hunters have game, priests have rich parishioners, pimps have whores, drivers
have luxury cars, sailors have ships and whores have lovers? Is this the reason why it is
good to be in heaven? I don’t think so. The real gate of heaven is the door that is open
for you and that you call hell in your stupidity. The paradise of bankers would be
countless money, the politicians' heaven the belief in their most brazen lies, and teh
criminals' killing without being discovered. Tell me, crazy and lawless priest, what
would be paradise if it were as each man wants it. The Great Harlot, whom you don’t
want to be judging you, namely I, am telling you that it would be the deepest inferno."
"Then why is paradise the reward for good deeds and inferno the punishment for
misdeeds?"
"The reward you say... the reward for the good or bad deeds that have been or have
not been made where time is only an illusion. There is no reward in paradise, but only
in hell, because only in hell you will be rewarded with the paradise. That’s the truth."
"I don’t understand," I retorted.
"If you made good deeds on Earth, you will be rewarded accordingly in hell."
"What about bad deeds?"
"In hell they will be heavier than the lead clouds that will cover the ocean of your
soul. Those who get to heaven have their misdeeds in their souls, but those are
misdeeds only for the paradise," the Great Harlot said.

9
"I am wondering of misdeeds are tormenting in paradise."
"It depends, there are misdeeds that torment the soul arrived in heaven more than
they would have tormented in hell, while others are erased. It depends on the
importance of the sin."
"How can you be rewarded for a fact such as helping an old woman to cross the
street? As long as there is no old age in paradise and therefore, no soul will be able to
help you cross the street when you are old?"
"It is true, there's no old age in paradise, only eternal and boring youth. There is no
pain and competition, because all souls have what they need. Each soul separately does
only good to the others. Therefore, it receives only good in its turn. The only unfulfilled
wish in paradise is that no matter how much souls want to do harm or to be harmed, this
is not possible. In paradise no one walks on grass, only on especially arranged areas, no
one curses and throw rubbish anywhere except for the bins, no one is allowed to drink
alcohol or smoke. No one can have a party or fornicate; they can only live honestly with
their spouse. No one can become prouder or richer than the others, although they all
have more than they would wish in an earthly life. This is the paradise, you, lawless
priest" said the Great Harlot.
"How can I escape from Paradise?" I asked.
"It’s simple," the Great Harlot shouted.
"How?" I repeated.
"Learning while you are alive the most important thing, that each man should
know."
"Which is that?" I asked.
"All your life you should only learn how to die! All your life is not worth it if the
moment you die takes you unprepared. Understand that the soul's paradise is the inferno
and the souls who have arrived in paradise knowing that they have done many good
deeds, are there only because they had an Aim, namely to do good in order to be
rewarded. Now they receive their reward. It is good to choose in life the middle path.
Never expect a reward for a deed, whether good or bad. A big sin is to wait for reward.
Your soul is not merchandise that you put on the stall of a destiny and not a mercenary
of your life. Everything you do, do it with all your heart, for heart and not for the
pocket. Each man has his own paradise and inferno. I am here because to give everyone
what they deserve. As for you, crazy priest, I will change my mind. I will close the
hell’s gate and I will send you to paradise, where no one makes mistakes, where the
paradise is for all and for no one in particular, where no one can upset the others by the
excesses they make, because everyone is rich and they must be happy."
"Please, Great Harlot, do not close the hell’s door for me, I want to get in."
"There’s no way back now, crazy priest. It’s very late here, where there is no time
and space. Therefore, the hell's door will remain closed. Your only way is the paradise
because you longed for it all your life, in your opportunism, and you displayed this
attitude emphatically even here, on the Judgment Day, as you mortals call it."
"Please, don’t send me to paradise."
"The decision is already taken."
"Can’t there be a paradise just for me?"
"No way. In your paradise all the people would have to please you, and you would
feel good. This is not possible. When people want to please you, creating a paradise for
you, they would live in hell, and your paradise would be supported on the feet of a hell.
Do you think that if you were alone and could not communicate with the others, would
you be happy, even if you had everything you needed? If you lived forever in solitude,
having all you need but not company, would you be happy? Man is not only a social
being, but his soul, after leaving the body is part of the Great Contemplation of the

10
Great Creator. Paradise, like any kind of existence, needs a term of comparison. And
you as a soul need other souls to compare to, otherwise everything is meaningless. Only
this way your actions your actions have a value. What if you were born alone on Earth?
You would have owned the entire Earth, but that would have not been relevant toyou,
since you were alone. The being needs compare."
"To whom and how?"
"Even to the natural phenomena. To warmth, cold, rain, storm, mountains, plains,
oceans, stars, sun, moon, in a word to everything that surrounds you and all these are
not enough if they were not beings, since you were born a being. Therefore, the society,
the culture, the legal norms, science, would all disappear. Maybe you’d better say
Homo Comparatus instead of Homo Sapiens. Heaven exists only by comparison. the
lonelier you are the more your paradise is diminished. Hadn't there been evil to compare
to the good, your paradise would be null. This is a great paradox of existence,
namely:"Never can paradise be just for you and for you only. It will never belong to
you alone. Everything that surround you takes part in it, and your paradise can become
a hell for them. That is why I, The Great Harlot exist, to give enough hell so that
paradise be born. Misdeeds would not exist, had there not been good deeds."If there had
not been good and evil, we would not exist, because our existence is entirely based on
contraries: good and evil, beauty and ugliness, positive and negative and so on. No soul
can exist only through good or only through evil. The contraries result in comparisons,
so in our intelligibility. Those who show off, saying they want to do only good actually
do only harm, because they are opportunists waiting for heavenly reward in return. I
can't deny there exist souls who do good without expecting a reward. It is true that only
this good will be really rewarded. Such deeds are rare because generally human actions
are End-centred and it is true what they say, that the end justifies the means, which is so
characteristic to human kind.""
"What about moral?" I asked the beautiful woman.
"Moral? You make me laugh when you, Anthony McCoulough, remind me of this
word. What is moral? What is moral meant to be? A code of what is good to be done or
not? Made by liars and opportunists, criminals, killers of weaker nations in unfair
conquest wars, who are not pleased with richness beyond compare, but who always
want more? Why don't you ask me what is the moral of dirty wealth desire of mean
people, so degenerated that they think stealing the wealth or the work of others is moral.
There are as many morals as societies! For example, the moral of antiquity was
different from that of the Middle Ages or the Primitive Commune."
"There are ten commands in the Bible," I said to the Great Harlot.
"It’s true, stupid priest. The Bible appeared when the evil in the souls had grown
too much compared to good, and the people of Israel needed a backbone to build their
own future. The ten commands are good for the soul who does not obey them only
because of opportunism, but unconditionally. Too much evil would have killed the
people of Israel, while too much good would have not. The human soul makes for good,
but the nature of this good is very important. What is good today might become evil
tomorrow. The soul climbs up one stair towards good, leaving the good of yesterday as
evil and yesterday’s evil as worse today."
"What exactly generated good and evil in our existence?" I asked the Great Harlot.
"Time, as there is no comparison in its absence."
"What about space?"
"Space is also time, but the Illusion of Life appears in it as a display of
geometries."
"Where is mankind heading to?"
"To me, the Great Harlot and the Revelation."

11
"To you? Why, Great Harlot?"
"Because the mankind wants to get to paradise."
"Isn’t it natural to be so?"
"As natural as can be."
"So what, then?" I asked.
"This is the paradox that resulted in the Primeval Sin. The more man runs to the
paradise, the wider open are the Hell’s gate for him," said the beautiful woman.
"But if it runs to the hell, will he get to heaven?"
"No way," she answered very determined.
"Therefore we are only banned from the paradise."
"It is not a ban, but never will man have to look for paradise in order to obtain it.
Weird as it might seem to you, in order to find paradise you never have to fight, but for
the hell you will have to use all your strength in order to accept the struggle of the
afterlife!"
"Life is a struggle."
"Of course it is a struggle and that is why it becomes by itself a Mirage Path of its
own Illusion I, a Path to the hell. Can you tell me where the struggle of life came, this
tough and ruthless struggle, since man appeared on Earth?"
"At first there was the struggle for food which, when the technology developed,
became the struggle for power. Do you think that man is more free now than he was
100 or thousands of years ago, due to the technological development? You are wrong!
He does not fight with the beasts, but he fights for a better social position, for wealth
that is never enough, for power! As you can see, in hell the man found the food to live
on, and with the so called evolution this hell became a social hell, in one word, the
struggle for power! Regardless of the form of power: financial, political, legal,
technological, cultural or many others, but this fight is an infernal one!
The human being was doomed the moment they appeared on Earth! No matter if at
first they lived in small groups of gatherer-hunters, this being was doomed to fight for
its own existence, killing in order not to be killed, to survive and get rid of the endemic
and tormenting hunger, which was burning it like a merciless monster. What could they
do? Die in hunger or kill? The hunger generated the society, the science, and the culture
gave man consciousness, putting him on a new stair in the hierarchy of hell, so he
became aware of his condition of convict on this planet, being convicted to hunger,
despair and anguish. In his craziness, man thought he was running to the Paradise,
inventing the fire, the needle, Eve's Apple, Adam's rib, philosophy, poetry, technology,
but it was not at all like that. You are wrong, you, crazy priest. Even more, the Man is
swamped in the mire of the real Hell, coming ot control even the birth, which is not
allowed in the Paradise, namely the real paradise and not the inferno man created which
is emphatically called Society. Only when mankind has conquered the Earth reaching at
the top of the trophic chain pyramid, did they really conquer the Inferno, since the real
Paradise is not conquered, but earned. Which are the social stairs to Inferno? Regardless
of the type of societies, namely: Primitive, Slave, Feudal, Capitalist or Communist, all
of them had a hierarchy in their structure. They all became gates of the Inferno. Just like
the employers and communists leaders do not work like the employed ones, the masters
of slaves were never slaves. Therefore, the Paradise became narrower, only for few
people, favored by fate, who did their best to keep this paradise for the loss of the great
majority, who lived their daily inferno, and who prayed for their death in the Paradise
of the powerful ones, in order to receive the Paradise from the Bible preached by priests
like you, but only if they obeyed the religious Dogma you avoided. It is true that it is
good to obey certain religious rules, such as the ten commands. It is good for the souls
who, even if they cannot obey the said rules entirely on Earth, they should at least try to

12
do so, and if they do wrong they should get even in the most hidden corners of their
being the consciousness of Sin. The door to the paradise is actually the Consciousness
of Sin that the souls have to open sooner or later if they want to leave forever the Door
to the Hell, namely any Society with its lies and alienation from Man.
Thus, the man's fight is fought between the Consciousness of Sin and the human
society, meaning between the Door to Paradise and the Door to Hell, between Good and
Evil. The need for a Primeval Sin and Curse occurs the moment when Man realizes he
cannot live without society and its evil but he also cannot get rid of wishing for a
Paradise that cannot be compatible with the society. Thus, Man is obligated to make for
the Paradise giving it one of the biggest prices of his own consciousness, namely
accepting the weight of the Consciousness of Sin, which originally receives the
connotation of Primeval Sin. Only this way the Man can dream of the Paradise and he is
not wrong about this matter! Then why does he not become distant from the Society
and does not take refuge entirely in the Paradise?
Exactly because Man is a social being and the wished for Paradise would be an
Inferno in its current development as a social consciousness, namely as cognoscibility,
volition and affectivity! Thus, the Man is Doomed to love Hell until he is mature to
enough to understand the Paradise it longs for with all his heart, without being able to
accept it. This is the greatest Paradox of the Human Condition! Man in himself is a
Paradox because inside of him is fought the cruel fight between Hell and Paradise, and
he cannot live without Hell, but craving all his existence for the Paradise! In a nutshell,
Man is half Angel and half Beast. The Beast’s Paradise is the Hell with its door, the
Human Society, this treaty of crime and punishment, and the angel's Paradise is the
Consciousness of Sin, Hell for the Beast but alleviation and ecstasy for the ANGEL! In
the true Paradise there is no soul that might benefit from the work and the servitude of
the others, namely from other's hell, as happens on Earth. The social hierarchy on Earth
is not absolutely equivalent to the one in Paradise because in Paradise the type of
hierarchy will always be totally opposite to the one on Earth, and this will lead to the
reasoning that God is not regarded in Paradise as a Ruler of everyone, as Man thinks in
his earthly blindness, but as a Neighbor, the closest one to the thinking of the people in
the true Paradise, who live and feel the Paradise! The Beast will have its own Paradise,
which has become man’s hell the moment he received self-awareness and knew that he
existed, fact that demonstrates that the man realized the harmful nature of the Beast’s
paradise, and he is trying to escape from it, even if it is tributary to paradox, namely that
he cannot live for the moment deprived of the beast's paradise, but he struggles for
God's paradise, having and accepting the consciousness of sin.
Thus, the Beast’s paradise is a Hell for God and God’s Paradise is a Hell for the
Beast.
That is why you cannot adapt yet, Anthony Mc Coulough, because you have more of the
Beast than of God in your soul. Now you are in God's paradise, the Paradise you used to
preach to people, but you are a stranger to this place, maybe more of a stranger than many of
those for which you played the part of a savior, in order to bring them here. You ended up
begging for the Beast's Paradise, the Paradise of that one you used to hate and banish from
your soul but you returned in its arms every day, more and more discouraged by the end you
felt near, knowing that life is not eternal on Earth and more than this, positions and ranks are
not eternal. Still, there are many fools who think they are eternal by those positions and
richness they acquired by cheating or by their attempts to be always the first. All these are
only vanity in the earthly life! Even when you were upset because life passes and you were
growing old, you were actually serving the Beast once more, because you only regretted this
way certain goods or positions you had on Earth. You are doomed to exist in God’s Paradise,
whose priest you used to be and whom you claimed to have been serving. Had you really

13
done that, you would not be blind in God's Paradise, but you would see the utmost beauties,
living the supreme moments of ecstasy that a soul can live! Try to suppress the Beast inside of
you, banish it! You must have the strength to draw near God, to be beside Him even during
this supreme torment you are going through. This is the only way you can get rid of Hell. This
is why the Holy Bible was trying to" train"you for the Paradise, opening its door which is
actually the Consciousness of Sin!
The same thing happens with the other Books of other religions!
The Basic Truth about Paradise is not what the great majority of people think. Never, but
never will Man be able to accept the Real Paradise because the Man would have to know the
Basic Truth, and the Real Paradise is based on the Basic Truth of Existence, Non-Existence,
of all the Existential Levels and all the levels that exist or do not exist, the notions, up to the
great creator of the Universe, namely God.
For the Beast inside of you the Real Paradise is the most burning Hell!
As you can see, it's not God who will not allow you to enter the Paradise, it's you
yourself. God wants all souls to arrive to that place, but the soul of man cannot accept
the Real Paradise, since it has not banished the Beast inside of it during lifetime."
"Shall we ever know the real Paradise?" I asked the Great Harlot.
"This depends on each soul separately, on how close you can get to God, the
creator of all Seen and Unseen Things!"
"Why has God created Hell then?"
"Because He wanted it to be the Paradise."
"In one word, the Basic Truth, Absolute Love and all the things that exist and do
not exist?"
"EXACTLY, that is why God or the Great Creator created the Paradise."
"But maybe it would have been better without Paradise, Love and Basic Truth" I
said to the Great Harlot in the Revelation.
"Why?" she answered to me by a question.
"Because this way the Hell would not exist, either."
"Nooooooo...." shouted the beast, hissing like a bomb in a war.
Only now do I realize the mistake I've made. Who knows what will happen to my
soul now. The Harlot of the Revelation continued:
"You are nothing and besides you are a rebel, should I understand? A rebel in
Paradise?"
"I just asked a question, Great Harlot," I said frightened.
"Aren't you afraid of God?" she asked me.
"Oh, yes, I admit I am afraid because He has all the power over me and compared
to Him I am just a dust in the endless ocean of eternity."
"Yes, it is true, you are only a dust in the endless ocean of eternity," the Great
Harlot in the Revelation told me.
"I am wondering if this Paradise is not worthless compared to the beast's paradise?
Which is the difference between the divine and the beast's hierarchy? The hierarchy
exists in both cases; the only difference resides in the fact that you feel free in
Paradise!"
I don't know what came to me and why I said all these things to the Great Harlot in
the Revelation, maybe I felt an impulse I could not stop or maybe some sort of revolt
against the so much praised paradise. The Big Harlot did not utter a word. She was as
still as a slab of stone and was looking at me with some sort of superiority, but full of
understanding at the same time.
"You are right for the first time since you came to this paradise: hierarchies should
differ, too" she said to me, looking at me with the same understanding look as she did
first, and then she resumed:

14
"God's hierarchy is totally different from the Beast's hierarchy!" This time I can
feel the amazement in my own voice.
"No matter how different the hierarchy is, it still remains a hierarchy, namely it has
a leader and the subjects are on lower positions."
"So it is", the Great Harlot told me,"but God's Hierarchy is based on love,
kindness, mercy and the list could go on endlessly."
"Yes, you are right about that, Great Harlot of the Revelation. But for this love,
mercy and kindness to exist, the beast is necessary, because absent the Beast's hell, love
kindness and mercy would have no term of comparison to relate to. How could
kindness exist without the opposite, namely meanness, and how could Paradise be
without Hell?"
Had there been only Hell, we could consider it Paradise since we would not know
what Paradise is, and we can say in the same way about the Paradise that had there been
only Paradise, we would not know what Paradise, as well as Hell are. And this is
the case when we assign to Paradise and Hell the statute of Existence, namely
something that exists, but what if they do not exist? What if they don't have a PLACE
under the sun and a TIME of their own?
What is Paradise and what is Hell then? What about God' s love and the Basic
Truth?
"You are wrong," the Great Harlot told me.
"I am not God to know all these."
"That's right," she said mildly, but promptly.
"That is right, Great Harlot of the Apocalypse, I am a nothing and I must obey, so
to say: I must be coordinated, humble and tormented, in order to please the Paradise
created by God.
Then by accepting and creating the divine hierarchy isn't God a beast and the beast
a god? The shinier the heaven, the darker the hell!
Who are you actually, you, Great Harlot of the Revelation, aren't you a lie as big as
the illusory life on Earth? Aren't you the man in himself or more than that, man's life?"
Aren't I right now talking to my own life, seeing it in its absolute nakedness, some
kind of Basic Truth at my individual level?
"You could be expelled from Paradise for such statements, as well as from the hell.
You might be accepted only by nothingness and its eternity," told me the great harlot
obviously annoyed, and then she paused in a tomb-like and forced silence or so
occurred to me, and then she resumed:
"Or you can receive eternal life on Earth! Though you will wish to die, you
will never be able to do that."
"Isn't Paradise also eternal life, with no death? Isn't this mankind's dream? Then
why would you turn this holy dream into a hell, great harlot of the Revelation? Why
must this sacred dream become a threat?"
"You, Anthony Mc Colouhg, as a simple mortal never will you understand God. .."
"But as an immortal?" I interrupted the Great Harlot.
"Not even then, because God is above your and my understanding."
"If He's so good, why does He keep His superiority so far away from us?" I asked
again.
"Mind your words, Anthony Mc Colough, 'cause they might throw you out of the
Paradise and Hell" the Great Harlot shouted at me.
"Then tell me why can't I really understand God?"
"Because at first you have to understand yourself! Otherwise you will never really
understand God. Rioting against Him, you riot against yourself. You mocked at His
kindness but in His glory He is in you, and you are blinder than the eternal darkness and

15
more rebellious than the lie of earthly life! You cannot understand God because you
will always relate Him to your own cognoscibility, namely if you are both Beast and
Angel, then God must be like you: half Demonic and Half Divine! And after all you are
wondering why is God only Divine? Because otherwise He would no longer be your
God!"
"Look at Him and Understand Him only from the Divine point of view and not the
Demonic one! Understand Him only as an Angel and not as a Beast because otherwise
you will come to saying that Man will have to do only harm in order to become an
angel."
"I can't deny you are right, Great Harlot, but in life, happiness comes after much
suffering!" I answered.
"It is right, in the Illusion of Life only when you accept God exclusively as an
Angel will the Illusion of Life change gradually and it will no longer be an enemy of
the human soul. There won't be necessary so much sufferance for a little bit of
happiness."
"Where is the place of Paradise?" I asked the beautiful woman.
"The Paradise is not a PLACE because it does not follow the rules of space! You
can say something like"the souls will arrive to that place" only figuratively. The
Paradise is not a DREAM, but it is not reality either, considering that souls conceive
reality from the point of view of the Illusion of their own life, the Illusion tributary to
the dissonancy of its own spaces and times that do not exist in the non-existing reality.
The reality does not exist as geometrical and temporal spatiality, both as existence and
as dream because the Great Contemplation of God does not accept reality for itself
because it does not have an equivalent to relate to the Great Contemplation, because the
Great Contemplation itself cannot relate to itself, saying it is real or unreal!"
"Now I understand, my dear woman!"
"Don’t call me"dear" or"woman"!"
"Now I see," I repeated, in a more determined voice." I understand why I cannot
receive the Hell or the Paradise, maybe I am still thinking too much and that is why I
am not ready for any of them. What I do not understand is why we have been given the
capacity to think, since it is useless?
Is thinking such a bad thing before God or is free thinking more than a crime?
Maybe my earthly Paradise was due to the Hell of those in the sky or only to an Illusion
of mine?"
"I can't understand you, extremely rebellious philosopher priest! In spite of all
these, the divinity will help you to get to heaven because you refused the Hell at the
beginning of your way to death. Now you will leave for the real Paradise and you will
be with those who were humble and knew how to obey for real the commands in the
Holy Bible. With those who every morning adorned their heartbeats with the belief in
God, who did not riot in their earthly life and especially in Heaven. A rebel will never
know the real Paradise because it is not something to be known and understood, since
everything that depends on knowledge and science belongs to the world of Profane.
And you, Anthony Mc Coulough, are not in a world of Profane and despair thereof,
resulted from knowledge and fear but in a world of Harmony, and those who have the
Profane in their heart cannot feel the cosmic harmony of paradise, turning the latter into
a real Hell."
Harmony is the opposite of knowledge, since it does not obey the rules of any
logic; it is fully master over what lies outside time and space and the cosmic ecstasy and
the eternal peace and coming to peace with oneself. Knowledge is only the matrix
supporting the laws of the logics of the Illusion of Life, it is only clay forming a
geometry and a dialectic owing to the same matrix, and in its melting pot the metal that

16
will result in the shape of Illusion of Life of Lie of the Universe is melted. Knowledge
is disharmony. The more knowledge is more profound, the less is the Disharmony and
the other way round. The reverse of Knowledge is Instinct, which becomes for
Harmony the same as the Knowledge is for Disharmony. The Instinct lies at the basis of
Everything, including the spiritual energies. By Instinct, the primordial God
uttered:"I!". He utters that now and He always will, since time does not exist. The
only one that exists is the Basic Truth, lying at the basis of the uniqueness in
diversity, supporting eternally the Thought of the Primordial Consciousness, which
becomes Primeval Thought, by attributing Absolute Knowledge along with the Basic
Truth. The latter already existed when the Thought of the Primordial Consciousness
became aware of its own Instinct, which He has in Himself, just like the diversity has
in itself uniqueness and vice versa, and they become, without being determined, one
and the same with God's I
"If life is a lie, why has God given it to us? Just in order to have fun or to educate
us for an Illusory Paradise which, in the afterlife, proves to be even more relative than
the lie in itself?" I said to the Great Harlot of the Apocalypse.
"You can't possibly know what is the use of the Illusion of Life in the Harmony of
the Universe and you were not given the Illusion of Life because you could not have
been educated any other way, but you were given the free will so that you can create
your own harmony. And it is not God's fault that man created his own hell inside the
Garden of Eden, which really existed on Earth."
"Wasn't endowing man with the free will a mistake of the creation? Didn't God
know that here, better said there, on Earth, a hell would be born and it would kill
Paradise?"
"He knew all that, but by the illusion of life on Earth He only gave angel-like
breath to the beast, in order to bring it back into the cosmic harmony of paradise. Man
is the beast who will become angle and the hell that will become paradise."
"This means that when God contemplated the world through the great
contemplation, giving eternal birth to the paradise of universe, God contemplated also
the beast and the world, giving eternal birth to them, too. I am wondering if the will to
contemplate the paradise was the greatest mistake, because it gave birth to hell. It could
have been better without a paradise since there would not exist hell, couldn’t it"
"Such a question frightens even me, deserted soul. You are not here to speak about
God's mistakes, but about your own."
"So you do accept it was mistake of creation, don't you? This mistake turned into
the Illusion of Life, into the Primeval Sin. This Primeval Sin comes from God and not
from man. The issue is that man undertook it because man considers himself and he
actually is a God in miniature, assigning God even the shape of a man. Had man been
like a tiger in appearance, his God would definitely be tiger-shaped!"
"Have you ever wondered, Anthony Mc Coulough, what if God no longer had the
attributes of the Illusion of Life, the attributes of human logics? What would that God
look like? What if you could no longer think of God with Man’s attributes? He would
become a stranger God, alienated from man, who would annihilate Him, leaving a void
in man's soul. Man would fill that void with a totally new God, closer to man, more
cooperative and that might be continuously by man’s side, to understand him and to
make him feel loved and supported. You know so well that man is not perfect and man's
God is an imperfect God, because man created Him! He is created by man's Illusion of
Life, but the real God is above the one created by the human mind, and that is teh Great
Creator of the Universal harmony, who contemplated the world, creating it. Only man's
God is imperfect because man is imperfect, unlike the God of the Great Contemplation,
of the universal harmony who delivered the universe without time and space, with no

17
beginning and no end! The difference between man's God and the god of harmony is
the same as the difference between the truth of man and the Basic Truth of the Universe
and of the Great Contemplation. It is true that man's God made mistakes, because the
MAN made mistakes! Unlike the God of the Great Universal Contemplation, who
delivered Everything without time and spaces. Man’s God is Man! No matter how hard
you try to find a Flaw in Perfection and False in the Truth, the truth will come
multiplied by thousands, millions and so on, in order to deny your will to tread on the
great truth that is God's perfection!
Now you will go to Paradise, Anthony Mc Coulough! You will be with those who
did not know opportunism or lie, pride or megalomania. You will be with those for
whom poverty and humility were virtues and cowardice a vice, heavier than the gray
sky forecasting a hurricane on the ocean. Other souls have gone through several stages
of the hells in order to get to the real Paradise, so that they could feel this Paradise in
the entirety of its harmony."
"Will I be able to communicate with other souls, arrived in Paradise in order to pay
their punishment?"
"It is only up to you!" shouted the Great Harlot of the Revelation in the Holy
Bible.
"If it’s only up to me, what must I do not to be alone in Paradise?"
"Ponder about God’s laws, you will find them in the Theory of Snows, ponder
about the Truth of Truths and the Origin of Everything so you can Decide what is good
to be done in Paradise and what is not because only thus you can understand if it is
good to do a certain thing in Paradise. You will understand why you are a slave in
Paradise and not a king in hell."
"Now I see" I said, this time without doubt. I know why I cannot receive Paradise
in my soul; I’m not ready for it. I admit that a part of my earthly Paradise was supported
by my subjects’ hell and the real hell that I was part of."
"I understand you as well, Anhtony Mc Coulough, but this time, as a punishment
for refusing the hell that was offered to you at first, you will be sent to the real Paradise,
although you don't deserve that one, either. No one can banish you from Paradise,
except God. I cannot banish you. If I had had such power, I would have thrown out
many souls a long time ago, and would have done this especially to your soul. I
sentence you to Paradise. You will be with those who were humble and knew how to
obey for real the commands in the Holy Bible. With those who every morning adorned
their heartbeats with prayers, parables and teachings about the real Paradise. You will
be there with those who knew no opportunism, lie, pride or megalomania. For them
humility and poverty was a virtue and cowardice a tormenting vice. You will meet in
paradise other souls, too, just as lost as you are, souls that feel fully the Hell of
Paradise, which is also the most frightening of Hells! The Hell has several stages, but
the closer you get to God, the more the Hell turns faster into Paradise.
"Are there other souls sentenced to Paradise?" I asked the Great Harlot in the
Revelation.
"Yes, there are," she answered.
"Can you tell me what mistakes some of them made?" I asked her.
"What mistakes?" the Great Harlot repeated. Then she added:"Some of them
killed, others committed suicide, cheated, stole, lied..."
"I see, so all of them are Doomed to Paradise because they refused the Hell?"
"Exactly, Anthony M Coulough, all of them, but absolutely all of them begged me
not to send them to Hell and thus I offered them the Paradise, compulsorily."
"Why is the soul of somebody who committed suicide considered to be a sinner?
This soul hurt no one except for himself. If he could not put up with life any more, why

18
isn't he allowed to kill himself? Is Man’s Life some sort of God's Paradise, where each
soul sees la vie en rose more or less? Then why I, who sinned, felt the Paradise en rose
and somebody who committed suicide sees it in black?"
"Man's life or the earthly Paradise is not a Paradise, it is more of a Hell," the Great
Harlot told me. There is a Paradise in each Hell, because God in His Great
Contemplation contemplated this salvation so that both the real Paradise and the Hell
should not get destroyed, but persist as a Path of Salvation for souls!"
"This Path of Salvation is also the Great Salvation of God's Great Contemplation?"
I asked the Great Harlot from the Revelation.
"God' s kindness and mercy is obvious here. He left the Path of Salvation for an
entire show of the worlds!" she said.
"Nothing would have existed without a Path of Salvation, maybe not even God,
who thus saves Himself, because had there not been a Path of Salvation, Hell would
become a Pure Paradise and the Paradise would be the same eternal Door to Hell, since
everything would be reduced to uniqueness. So there would no longer be any difference
between the Paradise and the Hell, the meaning of Worlds and Light would be lost, as
well as the meaning of Creation, the Great Contemplation of the Great Creator and thus
the Worlds will be able to destroy themselves! Is that right, Great Harlot of the
Revelation?"
"That is right, the Essence of the Worlds, of the endless beginning and the
beginningless end is the Great Salvation of the Great Contemplation of God. Without
Salvation, the Real Revelation would be inevitable! Salvation is the core-meaning of all
meanings both for souls and for God."
"God's kindness is not actually as great as I knew during my earthly life; it results
also from His necessity to be His Great Contemplation! There would be no degrees of
comparison without opposites and implicitly there would no longer be value and
dialectics, so that the Apocalypse would become a reality!" I said to the Great Harlot of
the Revelation.
"Do you mean God is a conceited rascal wishing to get praise for Himself,
tormenting the souls by delivering the Hierarchy to the world? Answer, Anthony Mc
Coulough!"
"You cannot lie about this and think of something else because any thought of
yours is known. You know very well what I am thinking, Great Harlot, namely what I
think is that God is holy and rascal, good and bad, merciful and merciless at the same
time. That's what I think and I cannot lie about it because I would only worsen my stay
in the Hell of Paradise. What is the difference between the Devil and the Good
Lord? Does it reside in the fact that the Devil allows you to live the Paradise in Hell and
the Good God shows you the Hell of Paradise? Does it reside in the fact that the Devil
admits the mire of the misdeeds he makes creating Paradise while God doesn't? The
Good Lord does only good and the Devil does only Harm? What would God look like
without a Devil? Would God Himself become the Devil and the other way round? Then
the Evil would be attributed to only one instance, namely to the divine one, because the
Good and the Evil would be in only one Universe, under the karma of only one
Hierarchy. What would the worlds be like without Good or Evil, or only with Good or
only with Evil? In a world where everything is Good, as if there is no Evil, the Good
would turn into Evil! Like in a world where there would only be Evil, it would turn into
Good, because the Evil in itself would have no term for comparison. That's why both
the devil and God are necessary, for the worlds to know what is good and what is evil
and so that there can exist a balance. And finally so that they can be without existing,
for worlds without time and spaces and without other dimensions or provided with
dimensions!"

19
"How dare you think this way?" the Great Harlot shouted.
"Aren't I allowed to think? Is God a dictator? Some would say in earthly life that
God gave us sufferance in order to educate, to polish us, so we could know how to send
the devil away, but what would God do without the devil, His object of activity, without
no one to blame for the existence full of sufferance? Why are suicidal souls tormented?
Because they do not put up with the Good that God does in Man’s life?
Because they cannot stand being educated enough in order to live a life in
Paradise, singing hosannas and prayers to God? Why must we accept divine
dictatorship?
"It's not like that, rascal!" the Great Harlot shouted,"what do you call a priest who
should be an example of virtue and sincerity, repentance and humbleness and who
thinks as you do? He is like a thief stealing in the middle of the night the money earned
by a hard working man in a lifetime, isn't he? What do you call a man preaching at the
Holy Shrine the parable of Lazarus, but on the other hand he is eager for honors and
richness? Isn't he just as dirty as the suicidal soul who gives up his life he has received
from God and which does not belong to him? How can you say that God cannot exist
without the devil and the devil cannot exist without God? How can you say that the
worlds would no longer exist, had God made up with the devil? Even if it is so at the
level of the Basic Truth, how can you think like that as long as the Good must be your
ultimate goal as a soul? I admit that everything is a lie, but nothing would exist without
the lie of creation that we must accept as a religion, as a dogma, because we would not
exist without it! The more we try to make up the good and the evil, the beauty and
ugliness, the superior with the inferior; we will only change the meaning of worlds
bringing about the apocalypse. The meaning of the worlds lies in opposites and the fight
thereof."
But this is not the Basic Truth, but the truth of the souls who need these opposites.
You should know that there are souls whose worlds have more than two opposites,
namely three, one thousand or one infinite opposites, and the world with one infinite of
opposites is the sole world of the Basic Truth, the world of our Lord, where the infinite
of opposites leads to their annulment, so that the good is in evil and the evil is in good,
and everything that is opposite gains only one meaning: the meaning of Light! Over
there, the darkness has disappeared forever because the light of good united with the
light of evil, because what lacks sense does not see light, whether it belongs to good or
evil. Over there, the evil is an infinite of times brighter and more sacred than the Good
over here and the Good is infinite times brighter than the Good over here and that
because Good and Evil are more evolved there. By evolution I understand the triumph
of light, and thus God defeats the devil a-temporally and a-spatially, assimilating it by
its eagerness for the supreme hierarchy of understanding!"
"How can you think such a thing," said the Great Harlot, while the huge Gates of
Paradise started to shutter and an unseen force threw me into the Paradise. And thus I
was sentenced to Paradise.
Man was given life in order to live it, as well as he is given a certain level of hell
or Paradise. You can't lie in Paradise, not even to yourself. No matter how alienated you
are from yourself on Earth, you must compulsorily find yourself at my judgment,
because NOW I will decide how much Paradise you need in order to find yourself in
hell. Find yourself since you need to receive your bit of hell in the Paradise that is
meant for you. I know that, since you are a sinner, your Paradise is in hell. You are
sentenced to Paradise! You will live your hell in Paradise, not knowing for how long or
where, because there are no times and spaces here," she shouted more and more
threateningly.
A strong wind started to blow around me, and it brought on its wings foggy clouds.

20
In vain did I look for the Great Harlot, she had disappeared. So I started to shout, as if
my lungs would burst:
"Great Harlot of the Revelation, please, come back with the hell, I want to go back
to hell!"
A long, frightening hissing could be heard around me. Actually, I realized it was
only an impression and no such things could be found around. I remembered then that
once in my childhood, I got lost on a terrible blizzard. I was crying and trudging on
deserted streets where darkness was coming and I could see no one. Suddenly, an idea
hit me: to ring at the door of one of the villas on the street. After a while,
somebody pushed open a heavy metal door, painted in black and a grey-haired. It was
an old man, about eighty of age, growing a hoof-shaped moustache. He told me as he
saw me:
"I have nothing to give. I have nothing to share. Go away from my door, you,
beggar. There is no one, absolutely no one living here for you!"
Hardly had I told him that I had actually got lost, when the heavy metal door was
slammed shut. I was full of despair and knew not what to do or where to go. Night had
fallen. Maybe it's the same terrible feeling I am living now, when the door of hell was
slammed shut in my face. I don't know where to go. I remember I went back to that
door. The snow was so thick that it covered my knees. A sweet torpor came upon me,
some sort of tiredness that makes your bones and thoughts soften. I knelt near a fence,
cleaning the snow off. All I remember is that I started to dream that I was with my
mother, in front of the fire-place and that she was telling me stories near a Christmas
tree, which was full of toys. Maybe the most beautiful toys I caould have ever wanted.
The dream started to replace reality. I woke up the next morning, from a profound
coma. A homeless, a stray man with a big soul, had saved me. He had carried me to the
hospital in his arms, waiting for no reward. I never found out who that man was, but
every time I remembered about him I thanked him in my heart. When I recovered, I
wanted that dream back, although it was a dream of death. It was far too beautiful. I
knew that in this reality I could never have that adorned fir tree and those beautiful toys.
My mother could hardly pay for the rent, once in a few months. We used to hide from
the administrator who had got tired of writing the large number of eviction warnings,
sticking them on the door, which had started to look like a prehistoric animal, so that we
called it the Jurassic Park Door.
Only now am I really in the Paradise of my banishment. I see the Great Harlot of
the Apocalypse going away slowly, disappearing from my sight, if I can say so, since I
don't think I have eyes any more. I'm all alone in the Paradise! A wind starts to blow
around me, bringing on its wings white foggy clouds. In vain do I try to see the Great
Harlot, she has completely disappeared from Paradise. I started to shout with all my
might:
"Great Harlot of the Revelation, please, come back, please, come back, don't leave
in this loneliness! I am begging you, give me my hell back! Please, Great Harlot, I want
to go to hell!"
Only the scary hissing of the wind that brought the white cloud could be heard
around me. And I felt that I was getting lost.
Maybe I became an opportunist beast in my childhood, because I did not have
what I wanted! I wanted toys, but I never had them, I could only admire them in the
hands of the rich children. The fight for existence became my enemy from very tender
age, which made me an adept of the saying"the end justifies the means." I did not
become a priest for being pious and with great fear of God, but because the poor did not
have to pay taxes in theological schools. I know I made a terrible mistake when I
banished from"power" the real priests, who really wanted a carrier and who would have

21
sacrificed for God. This is me, just a rascal who, every time I sinned, I lied even to
myself, telling to me so many times that I had done it for God's sake, making a sinner
leave a position in the church hierarchy and not that I was a coward, lying to myself.
Now I see why even the Great Harlot of the Revelation sentenced me to Paradise...
What if that day in my childhood, the door had not been slammed in my face and if
I had not frozen in the street and had that beautiful dream, what if I had not wished for
toys and a Christmas tree that I could not have? Would I have still become the rascal I
am? This praditor fighting for every inch of space gained, with great greed! Human
nature is so different and complicated, related to each individual separately. There are
just as many Human Natures as individuals and as Paradises and hells.
Only now do I realize that I am in front of some colonnades that seem to be older
than time itself, some sort of Acropolis of an existential level, towards which I am not
compatible. No one comes to ask me a thing. There is absolutely no one, just marble
and desert. Everything around me is made of white marble. I am looking at the sky. I
don't see it, although I feel it as if it were somewhere up there, in the unknown that still
I know so well, because I only feel the sensation of height and width, both from the
interior that is not on Earth and from the exterior of what I want to see. The moment I
wanted to take a step, some sort of temporal blade took me to the colonnades where I
wanted to get, so that I did not need to take the second step. I try to reach to the
colonnade that is next to me. I feel it is there, and still, spatially, the colonnade does not
exist! I shout:"Can anyone hear me?" No answer, just the tomblike silence in this nonspatial
and non-temporal existence. Then an idea came to me and I said to
myself:"Thank you, God, for guiding me to the light of existence. Our Father who art in
heaven....." No sooner had I uttered these words than all of sudden, I could hear a
chorus of angel like voices, who were singing in different tones"Hosanna! Hosanna!
Hosanna! Praised be God!" and the marble was vibrating some sort of heat, a state of
beatitude that faded away all of a sudden, turning into its opposite, so that I came to feel
the coldness and the despair that I don't think anyone could ever feel before I did, that
moment. The chorus disappeared, and maybe the return to solitude or the fact that I
could not be with the chorus of angels and its warmth and the beatitude state it gave
me, made me feel more despondent than before. Suddenly I heard a voice that could
turn you into stone, saying in a very cold but whining tone:
"I cannot ponder enough so that I could live here only by God's love, piousness,
purity and kindness... The angels are happy because they have arrived to a spiritual
level so evolved, that they have millions of other senses and more knowledge! God,
have mercy and banish me from Paradise. I am in despair because this is the billionth
time I have not been able to listen to the angels' charmed songs. Please, God, banish me
from Paradise! I cannot accept your light in the darkness deprived of senses and
knowledge and unlike the angels, I cannot feed only on Your love, I, a sinner with
doubting heart and heavy soul!"
Then I started to talk to this angel or spirit, devil or soul, saying:"Show yourself,
soul who speaks from the torment, because I am here and I want to see you!"
"You are not either here or there," said the wining voice, because I do not know
whether you are or not or this is only the echo of my thoughts. I haven’t talked to
anyone else so far, only to my thoughts. There are no spaces and time here, you are not
here or there. You are nowhere and everywhere, and for this try to raise your sightless
look to the sky and see the Godlike Light, the Light of the Creator God. Can you see it,
or are you as blind as I am? Or are you me, namely my opposite, what I can't see but
can be seen? Are you as blind as I am, as unfortunate as the thought lost by the destiny's
dice, when I was meant to be born and to die on Earth, in order to come blind to the
Paradise?

22
"I can only see the marble colonnades and that’s all. Among the glorious angel
voices I can hear wining Voices, full of sufferance, of the souls doomed to Paradise."
"Where are you, Voice?" I ask with the vain hope of the one who is subject to a
law, but in spite of that he fights against it.
"IN front of the marble colonnades!" shouted the Voice in my soul, since I cannot
say it shouted in my ears since I, the Pope’s great cardinal, Anthony Mc Coulough,
don’t have them anymore.
"Me too, I am in front of some marble colonnades, but I don’t know if you are
close or far away from each other."
"There is no far away or closeness here, no beside and no together, all you can do
here is fell. You can pray God to give you the energy to fight with the Voices of some
spirits who won’t let you talk to anybody because in this Paradise you must be just you
yourself, as alone as possible and think only of you, God and ponder! It is a Paradise of
the Voices from nowhere. But this is not a Paradise of the Voices that used to fight on
Earth with those who wanted to banish them from the hearing of the fools. There are
invincible voices and still more understanding than anywhere else. There are Voices of
the laws in Paradise which are actually Energies or whatever you want to call them,
Energies that place you without actually willing to do so on the layer equivalent to your
spiritual energy and, no matter how much you want to lie to yourself, you will be seated
only on the step that is destined to you. You say in vain that you understand God now
and you are more pure than ever, before you really are as such, you have no chance to
escape from Paradise.
"Still, why can't we see each other?" I asked.
"You can only see God here. You must feed on God every day, which is not really
accurate, since there is not day and no night here, but only non-time and non-space.
Only God can bring you happiness!"
"And does He do that?" I asked again.
"Yes, God can bring us happiness if we feed on God at the Table of Truth about
Ourselves. As long as we are not fed up admiring God, we will never be happy. We are
like a junky who cannot live without drugs, since we cannot live without the trifles of
life on Earth. The moment all those trifles disappear from our soul and we don't miss
them any more, our hell in the middle of Paradise will disappear, leaving the complete
happiness instead."
"Which are those drugs of life on Earth?" I asked.
"Some of us and they are not few, used to be some dirty liars, who thought they
were pious, but we are only garbage, full of pride and whims and sometimes we thought
we were just as powerful and all-knowing, like God is."
"Is this really the Paradise?"
"Yes, this is the Paradise," he said in a serious tone.
"How can those angel souls be happy here? Or maybe the angels see beauties as
those on Earth, such as flowers, waterfalls, superb mountains..."
"Oh no, said the spirit, you think like an earthly being who thinks once more that
the Earth is the center of God's creation! Here and nowhere, because the place where we
are now there is no space. And still, I am telling him right now that he is not actually
here, not only that there are not mountains and flowers, like on Earth, but there are no
beauties like those he considers a wonder of the world. What I can say is that instead of
the things you considered wonders in the earthly world you can find here infinitely
more wonderful things, namely the beauty of feeling you are close to God, to His
infinite sides, which are beyond compare, and the wonders on Earth are like one
infinity compared to only one of God's sides!"
A part of these beauties are in the souls of some angels who praise and love God,

23
and there is no greater happiness for these angels than to pray and to love God.
Not all angels are the same; some of them are at superior other to inferior levels.
Those who are inferior see less of God's sides than the superior ones. I once asked an
angel why God does not allow me to see other souls in Paradise, because my loneliness
is very hard on me. Can you guess what he said?"" the soul asked me.
"I don't," I answered sincerely, me, who used to be a Pope's cardinal.
"The angel said that the angels do not need to see other angels and to talk to one
another because these desires are killed from the beginning by the complete happiness
they feel when they can meditate about one or another of God's sides."
"Couldn't we feel this Paradise as such?" I asked again.
"It is possible."
"How?"
"Meditating again and again in front of these marble colonnades, until the
sufferance and the pains we go through become the happiness of KNOWING that we
are close to God. This will be the first step. Pondering first of all about the sins we have
made in a past that no longer exists and in spite of all that the negative spiritual Charge
keeps us prisoners in Paradise! It is very good that you are in real sufferance, repenting
for all your mistakes. It is also for the better that you accept your condition as a lawless
caterpillar, and the sublime of God's creation, banishing all trace of opportunism, pride
and especially do not lie to yourself! All these happen because God loves you and
wants you to take off the beast's clothes you took on you on Earth and to remain get
dressed only in the angels' clothes, which are free and happy!"
"But are there angels of the dark?"
"It is true, but it is just as true that these angels are just as happy when they see
certain sides of God!"
"What if we do not succeed in becoming such a spiritual perfection, what will
happen to us?"
"We will be sentenced to living in Paradise, together with the angels."
"There is no escape from the Paradise?"
"No, there is no escape from the Paradise," said the soul.
To which kind of souls do angels' spirits belong? I asked the soul with some sort of
envy that I tried in vain to banish, because the more I tried to send it to the chasms of
Paradise, the more it came back to my mind, like an echo. I realized that I was trying to
banish it forcedly, my soul was lying to itself, saying it expelled that envy, in Paradise,
unlike on Earth, you can't even lie to yourself.
"Angel's souls are also the souls of some mortals on Earth or from other worlds,
with their own spiritual levels. They used to feel that, in order to do good you don't
need reward, they believed in honesty, truth and they loved God more than they loved
themselves."
"I don't understand the story about souls from worlds with differing spiritual levels
compared to the Earth. If these souls come from worlds with superior spiritual levels, it
is natural that they enter the Paradise directly, because they were almost angels,
but we, the poor earthly beings, cannot compete in such circumstances. How did they
souls evolve so much? Were they born directly there or they have evolved by several
reincarnations?"
"You should not think like that. Some of them have been through the same
situation we are confronting now, being sentenced to Paradise, they were not evolved
enough in order to become angels and they were given other existences, at superior
spiritual levels, where they were given other chances in order to draw near God by
meditation. Others can go beyond such stages and get directly to the angels' hierarchy.
There are souls who come from the Earth and they can become angels if they are

24
enough evolved spiritually.
"Does this mean we can get rid of Paradise, reincarnating in a world with spiritual
levels superior to the Earth, since we cannot become angels? What if we cannot evolve
more than we are now, and we cannot take off the earthly beast's coat?"
"We cannot leave this place with the beast's garments on. If we still have a sleeve
or a button or a collar from the beast, we can reincarnate in worlds with spiritual levels
superior to those on Earth, and if we don't banish the beast at all, we will remain here."
"Thank you, spirit. But what if we were atheist souls and we did not believe in
God?"
"There is no spirit without God. Even the atheist has his God, or because God is
also hierarchy, and each soul has a hierarchy of his own, regardless of its form or name.
We need hierarchies because this is the chance and there is no feeling that does not need
a chance! You can only evolve by hierarchy. Each one is judged according to his own
rules, regardless of his belief or non-belief from his earthly life, or the existence in other
worlds with different spiritual levels. God does not obligate you to become a believer,
namely to become the adept of a dogma belonging to some so-called religion claiming
it is the only one preaching the truth about God. God is light, love and true, kindness,
understanding, justice and first of all good! Any being embracing these laws is a being
next to God and is more religious than any dogma. The dogma was born when all the
epithets describing God became politics, for a cult or another who consider themselves
the only holder of the Basic Truth about God. By turning into politics in the eyes of
believers, religion became a dogma. It is just like floatability is. A body with a certain
weight will have a floatability index different from one whose weight is different. It is a
karma of your soul that during your life time you load up with good and bad. God's
religion is to charge this karma with more good than bad."
"Why did you get here?"
"I killed myself!"
"Why?"
"Because in my blindness by that time, I found no meaning for my life, which I
considered absurd."
"Do you have regrets now?" I asked again.
"How could I not have regrets, there is No Way Back!"
"Why do you regret it? Because you came to this place?"
"For that reason as well, but maybe more than ever I am afraid that one day I will
see God, or one of His wonderful sides and afterwards this right will be taken away
from me. This causes my greatest pain! I am afraid to see God and at the same time I
am most afraid of it! Afterwards, there comes the fact that I miss my dear ones whom I
will never see again. But why are you here?"
"I used to be a priest," I said.
"A priest?" he said with a sigh.
"Yes, actually a rascal full of opportunism and pride, lie and soul prostitution."
"It's so easy to admit in Paradise the misdeeds we did in our earthly life, which we
would have not admitted on Earth but we would have preferred to lie to ourselves than
be ourselves in our human misery, that we cannot hide anymore in this place."
"What was your name on Earth?" I asked the soul again.
"Sorin. What was yours?"
" Anthony Mc Coulough, Pope's cardinal."
"A cardinal who became in Paradise as blind as I, a poor suicidal soul, am."
"Exactly, Sorin. Why did you commit suicide?"
"Life seemed absurd and monstrous. For years I had tried to save my wife from
insanity but I got tired and I found another wife for me. When I found this latter, the

25
former recovered. Isn't this absurd, Tom? It is monstrous, but only now you can
understand how much we need the absurd and the monstrous after death, because both
of them can help you to see God. What we could not understand then we can
understand here, I know everything since time immemorial. What torments us is for
angels is a joy, what is boredom for us is happiness for angels, because they can see
God, they feel Him close to them, while we don't! Even here I ask myself questions,
like I used to do on Earth:"Why did God give us birth? Just in order to torment us? Why
did God create the Hierarchy? To give us a chance to evolve? To make us angels? What
would we have done without this chance?""
Why?
Because we did not struggle enough to see God while we were on Earth?
Although I know the answers, I am endlessly asking the same questions!
Why are we sentenced to Paradise?"

Chapter 2
Most of all I wanted to see Christine again, to feel her warm breath just like a
spring breathe which has overcome the solitary winter of my soul. The good God
helped me indeed see that whom I ran away from choosing Antarctica and death among
the ices. At that time I believed in death and now I believe in life! I cannot tell you
exactly what I felt seeing Irene again instead of Christine. It was for the first time when
I could see something with my senses after the long darkness of here, in Paradise. I
don’t think that I could describe in words my feelings which I had. Even though I knew
that I live in Paradise, I felt the strongest horror when I had to come back again here. It
was given me to be beside Irene only when she was reading or receiving
correspondence from Christine. I would watch her hand which sometimes I felt as
warm. I cannot describe to you the pain which I am feeling even now and I will carry it
with me eternally, when I would read every syllable which she wrote on the white paper
as impersonal as this Paradise which was given me. If you want Tom I can read to you
the correspondence of Christine with Irene."
"Of course I want this thing since you made me curious especially here in Paradise
where I felt more lonely and troubled than ever, Sorin."
Always, of dozens, hundreds and thousands of times I continuously repeat this

26
dear correspondence which makes my Paradise easier. It is enough to think of it and
immediately I find myself in that Universe watching Irene for the hundredth time. What
is wonderful in all these things is the fact that, by difference from the terrestrial life
where I could only read a letter now and here, at that time when I was allowed to go in
the fraction of life of Irene I could read not only her correspondence with Christine, but
also listen even to the deepest thoughts of her soul. Even now I cannot understand as
maybe I will never understand why it was given me to notice that fragment of Irene’s
life and not another one? Why wasn’t it given to me to see Christine again? This
correspondence is all that I have left and for which I am trying to hope that this Paradise
will once disappear from my existence in order to receive instead of it the Hell which I
want with all my spirit. Listen Anthony Mc Coullough:
Since that day for years have passed.
In total seven years since Sorin died.
The wish to try and"live" my life proved to be one of the biggest mistakes of mine.
In the end I reached Manhattan searching for a parking next to Broadway. I knew that
usually the parkings are overcrowded at this hour in Manhattan, but I didn’t think that I
will have to wait more than an hour, time in which I roamed all sorts of roads and
streets so that in the end I found a miserable spot where I dreamt to leave the jeep as old
as Sorin’s death.
In the beginning I lost myself in the crowd without knowing what I really wanted
and what was more important: without really wanting to change my life. It was for the
first time when I tried to lie to myself, to confront myself as I would a fierce enemy.
There is a saying that a man is all the more string, more real, more fulfilled as he
has more and more fierce enemies.
I was very late, I didn’t have time to fabricate those enemies and thus an idea came
to me which at that time didn’t seem to me as being only a very good one, but a genious
one indeed namely: to consider myself as my biggest enemy.
Maybe to a certain extent I achieved in doing so because only in this way I could
explain why I entered that comedy theater where among laughs and applauses they
were chewing pop corn and often various remarks were being shouted or chanted, more
or less obscene, more or less of good taste.
This is how I met Jim, the person who was to demolish in me whatever was left
after the great war with my destiny. Jim lied to me from the very beginning. He
pretended to be a lwayer in a big company.
I could not understand how I could be so naïve, how I could believe him.
Maybe because that day I wanted to change, I was waiting for anything, even to be
lied to, fact which determined me not to ask so many questions regarding his behavior,
his gestures which he was carrying on and the quality which he displayed by showing
off even from the beginning.
Thus I was with Jim more than one month in my eyes: lawyer in a big company,
found in New York for work purposes, lodged with a friend who had visited him
several times in New Orleans.
When I found out the truth I was a bit confused, maybe I didn’t want to lose him,
maybe I had started to a certain extent to love him, who knows. For me Jim had become
a change which at that time I needed so much that even when I found out that in fact he
was nothing but a poor devil who was working temporarily once in a while, without
much education and who was staying with friends, as he liked to boast, but that these
friends were nothing else but some persons who simply pitted such a miserable fellow.
By offering him lodging once in a while, instead of the streets. Even though the new
portrait of Jim was no longer so attractive as the old one, I didn’t trouble myself with
this.

27
I had decided to accept him as such, all the more, I was the one feeling complexed,
since I was twelve years older than him, fact which he didn’t hesitate to remind me
when his own interest requierd it. After another two, three months, he started missing
from home saying he was invited to all sorts of friends in order to talk about new
business which of course was to increase our fortune several times.
The friends were only girlfriends who indeed talked with him not business but sex,
taking away his money, so that this started being noticed easily in our mutual bank
account.
During that period, too, the first slaps started which increased in number as time
passed by, becoming a real rain of blows and insults. Only at that time I realized how
much I had been wrong by trying to remake my life anyhow, as if my own life were a
rotten and dirty shirt which was waiting its time to be washed in the washing machine
in order to be sold as second hand in a sordid neighborhood.
I started to understand that I didn’t become enough me, means Irene, to be able to
afford such a change. Then other troubles with the divorce and only one year back I was
able to get rid of this fraud who was paying his lawyers with my money in order to ask
me for as much money of our mutual fund as possible, which was no other money but
the one left by Sorin.
I always thought that the detergent which washes human dirt was invented but
now, after Jim existed in my life, I doubt it. The idea about remaking my life is a great
an illusion as life itself. You will never be able to confront your own destiny. I know I
am a pessimistic person, I know that an optimistic person would not hesitate to say
anything is possible in life just you have to want it, to wish and fight until you will also
succeed.
Let’s be serious, how many are fierce fighters even from the time of their birth
with their own lives and despite all this, they will never succeed? How many are not
fighters, they allow themselves to be carried away by the waves of life just like a
rudder-less ship, carried away by the waves over night exactly on the shores of
paradise? Then? Isn’t everything destiny?
Just like the wave doesn’t know the moment when it will break against the rocks of
hard granite of life, neither does really man know his won life, especially his destiny?
Many people, when they reach the old age, they maintain in a very decisive way
that they lived for so many years, that they carry on their hunch-backed shoulders the
entire history, history which made them wiser, more vigilant, but also more
disbelieving. Thus knowing why the sins of their own young age are sins.
Just as Sorin I came to believe that this history which the old people are carrying
inside them is nothing else but a great illusion given by the destiny. Why? First of all
because we don’t know the truth about ourselves, just as we don’t know even the truth
about the fact the we exist, what are the feelings which we pretend that are part of our
personal history without knowing if they exist indeed as feelings or they are a big lie
which enveloped our nature so that we do not catch a cold in the long winter of life.
I wonder when we are happy are we really happy? When we are crying, are we
really crying? When we are kissing are we really kissing? And all these while we can
wonder if exist when we exist? And if we existed indeed the next question would come
an infinite times: why?
As long as we can answer the essential questions of our own existence, all the less
we will be able to do this when we talk about love, pain, kiss and the list could continue
endlessly.
From birth we start to learn the rules of lie, the fact that every action of ours is
owed to a certain purpose, I know that without this purpose we could not live, because
the entire world which we maintain that it surrounds us and in respect to which our

28
actions are taken is owed to a purpose.
The first cry of a new born baby has a purpose, just as death has its purpose, that of
sending us in the nihility, but we know very well that every purpose has in its turn a
purpose, a cause of its own, which leads us unwillingly to the foundation, that is of the
purpose for which nature created us and when we reach the dust of existence and we
wonder as simply as possible what is the purpose for which we exist, leaving poetries
aside, the kind like"man copy of God" created for only God knows what, we come to
understand that in fact we don’t have a clue what is the purpose of our own existence,
but especially the purpose of other and other purposes which we, the heroes of this
sinister tragedy which is our breath believe that we are"aware" of, that we knew them.
Thus every action of ours acquires a meaning and every meaning is nothing else
but the purpose in itself which we in our stupidity believe that we know without
realizing it the fact that every purpose is built on its predecessor so that in the end is
crashes with a mere basic question, namely: What is the purpose of our existence? What
was the purpose for which we were born? Why at the time of death we have a certain
history of life and not another one? Why does occurrence exist? What is Destiny? Isn’t
is exactly the destiny the cause of the primordial purpose of our own existence?
Certainly Yes! But just as we don’t know this purpose, we cannot know our destiny
either, even though not only once in life inside our being we are more sure than ever
that we cannot form a destiny of ours! Nothing more false.
And if we came to really understand that we are so hopeless before our own
destiny that a leaf taken by the waves of a river has more chances than us to know
what fate would it be? Certainly we wouldn’t live anymore, we would self-destruct
ourselves and we find ourselves in this world in order to live our life even though
lives us, so that we lived the illusion. The difference between fate and destiny is
that fate is that destiny which we pretend to know, but the true destiny is the base
of the purpose of our existence which we will never know, both at individual level
as well as social.
Then why do I suffer, why do I struggle, why do I try to remake my life a little bit?
Now I really understand Sorin. I always had a bit of doubt regarding his tastes, his
manner of behavior which once seemed to me bizarre.
Often I thought of committing suicide, to follow my way which even Sorin
followed once. I never succeeded, I am too coward, maybe too stigmatized of life, to
such an extent that life by itself holds me in its angry and full arms, with the tattoos of
its own history in a continuous fear of myself and implicitly of death.
Today I received a letter from Christine, Sorin’s ex wife.
After his death we became friends, maybe because each one of us searched in the
other one a bit of Sorin. I don’t know if I discovered it or not, neither do I know if we
really were satisfied or not to find each other again or better said to try to find ourselves
in each other. Anyway it is not important, all that I can say is that we both miss Sorin
and maybe this longing united us to a certain extent giving us the wings of friendship.
Three years after the death of Sorin, Christine became suddenly very religious, she
would attend the church every Sunday so that finally she became a nun. Now she is
Mother Sara, her name as nun. I read the letters of Mother Sara not only once, maybe
because from Sorin I no longer have any letter. In fact I don’t remember he ever writing
to me from far away, because we were always together. All I know is that she he would
write to me on every important holiday such as the Christmas, Easter, my birthday, a
few line such as:"For the most beautiful wife in the world" or"I will always love you,
enormously, infinitely! !!" or"Yours forever", I can remember only these things.
Not once have I wondered in what corner of the being were all these residing
during that accursed illness when I was not myself, when a dream or diabolic fantasy of

29
the Voice would become truth and the reality was killed or denied, attributing to it
values of obscene fantasy or unreal dream? I wonder where were they lost, even those
words which Sorin wrote to me? I don’t know. I keep searching for them and I find
them again only with the eyes of my mind.
Sometimes I would like to see them physically and physically written before me, to
be able to touch them, kiss them, look at them, but everything is limited to my will and
that’s it. They were lost somewhere in the darkness of time, remaining a memory, just
as Sorin, just as the entire solar system, galaxy, Universe, everything will one day
become a memory and that’s it, e memory of God who created us in order to destroy us,
a memory of the hopes shattered by the cosmic wind in the four corners of the horizon
which don’t exist and never will really exist but for ourselves, the mortals, people who
are trying even from the dawn of mankind to define the concept of civilization
depending on the four cardinal points which as I said before will not exist and never
existed, just as the concept of civilization in itself doesn’t exist and never will exist.
Everything is just dream and illusion. Nothing more. If the Universe will become
one day a memory, I wonder if it exists in the present? Can anything exist without time
and without space? Time is nothing else but a dream of the Great Creator and that’s it.
Same with the space. They lose any value in death but they are find again in the illusion
of life.
The Great Creator dreamed about us only in his feeling, in his being next to the
time and space, only in the being of life and not in the being of death. Because the being
of life will always float with its eternal wings over all the geometries where the space is
being of form and the time of being of movement where these two beings give birth to
the Unique in form and transformation which is nothing else but crumb of life, of
existence getting born regardless of parents, of the being of geometry, form and the
being of movement, of time.
We are born in time and space, of mother and father, towards uniqueness.
Regardless of how many human clones will there be one day, all these will only be the
expression of uniqueness, the reflection of the unique, because all will become tributary
to the model according to which they were created. Even a crumb of sand is a life which
takes birth and does just as a star does, even though it is not an organic life such as ours,
but an anorganic one. Both forms of life, both the organic and the anorganic are born
from the two beings, that of the geometry and the other one of the movement. It is very
wrongly said that the being exists only as a palliative of life. It can very well exist as a
palliative of death. Certainly the beings of death will not be synonymous and maybe not
even similar to the beings of life.
The only link which unites them is the illusion, as omnipresent in life as in death.
As Sorin used to say:"Everything, but everything, dear Irene, is an illusion". I am sure
of this.
Death remains united with the life of a soul through the illusion which
characterizes both of them, illusion which is nothing else but a crumb as small as a dust
in comparison with the Universe, from the dream of the Great Creator. The beings of
life and death are nothing else but the base pillars on which the Illusion is supported.
Many will wonder how can there be a being without geometry or without time or even
more than this: how can there a being of geometry exists without a being of space, of
time? Maybe there is movement without space? What about space without time? This
may be the base where we eventually reach by contemplating the beings.
First of all I perceive the being not as a sine qua non attribute of the material
existence, but as being a pillar on which our Illusion of existence is being built, in brief:
the dream of our own life when we are awake as well as when we are asleep, which can
easily become a nightmare or its opposite meaning something out of which you would

30
never like to wake up.
Once we defined the concept of being we will contemplate the genesis of this
concept. What exactly created the being of geometry and that of movement? Was one
or the other primordial to the other one? We again come to the question whether
geometry exists without time. In the dream which we live, any geometry is tributary to
a dialectics, movement, transformation as well as specialization. For us, the
metaphysics of the space and time becomes irrational at the level of the senses and of
that of the dream of our being, which we live, carrying it on our hunched back caused
by the sufferings and joy of our own existence, an entire life for fulfilling a Destiny. A
Destiny of whom? Of ours? Not at all! The appearances deceive.
Everything we believe that exists, that fate was good or bad with us, in fact it does
not happen to us as persons and neither does it happen to our soul, but to the entire
Universe of beings of times and geometries.
Everything we think that it cannot exist, just as space without time, EXISTS. The
same with the time without space, the same as the beings in death exist without these
two, meaning geometry and movement. It is impossible for us to imagine a world
without forms and movement, just as to other existences it is very difficult to imagine a
world of forms and movement.
The attributes of the beings which are characterizing life in our world, in another
world they are totally different, that is why, we cannot fully understand other illusions
of the existences, only those for which we were programmed, namely space and time.
Everything that can be asserted in this context is that the worlds not only overlap
one another, but they coexist, quasi-unitary in the appearance of diversity and
cognoscible operability of the nature of the senses."In a word, the worlds are crashing"
all the time ones into the others, the beings are cave ones into the others, both through
the attributes of our beings, through the attributes of their beings of these illusions and
through the attributes of the beings of these illusions.
The space and the time which exist only in our world in this Universe as Illusion,
are caving in and always one into the other over other attributes of other worlds,
because everything is an illusion and it will fray out without the being of the geometries
or movements or beings of other worlds just as the memory of a snow flake fallen on
the black sidewalk of the non-words which will never be able to be uttered again frays
out. In brief, we can assert that there is no dialectics of the metaphysics and the other
way around only at the level of the Illusion.
Then not only once I thought since I felt like screaming with all my being: why are
you only an Illusionist, God? ! Why? Why? Why never in this miserable life which was
given to us will we find the real truth of the truth? Why?
Then I walked out into the courtyard. It was late at night. Patches of black clouds
covered the arch of darkness. Among them you could see here and there a star whose
shining seemed to me as if saying that our life and hopes will not be able to fly only up
to the level of those black clouds and higher, higher, higher, until the star whose shining
seemed to pierce the arch of my heart.
Then I understood that we need the simple thought, this illusion to exist higher,
higher, that I tried to thank the Great Creator for the crumb of dream which he gave us.
In a short while after this, the cloud covered the rays of the star which had crossed the
thousands of millennia and reach my heart, in a future so far away that we mortals of
illusions hardly can imagine with our mind that ray arrived from the past which defies
even the good sense of the times.
All these, only and only because there was and there is a Destiny that I at that time,
only when I use the word I remember one of the pillars of our illusory being, so that at
that time I receive a bit of the ray of the star, from a farther away history than ourselves

31
and the time in us.
Then I said to myself in despair: what is the truth of truths,
God? !
The black clouds and the night and the darkness and the sound of an owl which
scared me because it foretells of death, answered me. Then why am I afraid, God? !
Why? Why? I want the true truth, I would like to know it and see how the worlds are
caving in ones upon the others, how the space and time are caving in our world, how in
reality there is no space, no time, maybe no beauty and no ugliness, maybe no good and
no evil, maybe no life and no death, no pain and no joy, no love and no hatred, but
neither jealousy. There there are others. And that night I was caught with a terrible fear,
a cold chill crossed my entire body that I remained like electrified.
Gazing at the sky I exclaimed: Don’t ever tell me the truth, God, don’t ever tell it
to me, I beg of you, God, I don’t want to know it. Then I fell on my knees and started to
thank God for the life which he gave us, for the good and the evil which we feel, for the
beauty and ugliness, love and jealousy, birth or death, pain, suffering, colors and world
which surrounds us, for Life.
Since then I didn’t want to find out the Truth ever. I am aware that we would never
understand the real truth, but neither could we accept it or bear it. It would kill us. We
are not strong enough spiritually to be able to understand it and accept it. Even to the
extent in which we would find out a part of it, this small part would overwhelm our
senses of life to such an extent that it would destroy us, that is why it is better to accept
the illusion of life as being something real, even though we are aware that the real is
this illusion is a big lie.
Life itself needs the lie, the impurity as well as it needs the truth and the purity, but
in no way the Basic Truth and not even a crumb of it. Then what is the truth that life
needs? What is it in fact? A lie! And the lie? A truth! And both of them? Life! And now
I know that I live, I need to live, I really understand, therefore I live! And that’s it! I
don’t need anything more than rarely to commit suicide! !! Not only once do I think that
in the space occupied by my own body here are so many worlds with the destiny of
each one of them, with beings who are happy and suffer, who are alive!
I almost feel like a kind of God until the moment when I think that the being of
space is an illusion as great as the fact that I considered myself God just a moment ago.
There is no great and no small as spatial measurement. I don’t occupy the space which I
have the impression that my body is holding, or my hand, or my feet, for the simple
reason that this doesn’t even exist and then I cannot not think about who am I in reality?
If even my years don’t exist, I am ageless. If even the star which was sending me
its rays onto my heart is not far from me, but exactly in me and I in it and everything in
us and we in all, I am almost about to say: I am not alone, everything that is happening
to me in fact is happening to the entire world, to all the worlds which are in me and I in
them, is happening to Sorin Cerin who is in me with the crumb of his soul and I in his
soul, it is happening to us.
Then I calm down and I start to fall asleep thinking that we remained together for
an eternity of eternities, because the worlds themselves without times and spaces are in
each one of us, uniting us.
Only at this time I told myself for myself, for us, for all the worlds in this crumb of
cosmic dust which know that they exist in their way, with all the evils and goods of
their conscienceness: Evrika!
Then I don’t know either why or how, the warm tears of the hope to live flooded
my chicks, just as the floods of the Nile in the old days come back to their riverbed,
leaving behind the fertile lands of the Egyptian civilization. From this soil one of the
oldest civilizations of the world was born, because first there was the Nile, then the seed

32
which budded the hand of the civilization which was to come next. Just as in my case,
in the beginning there is the tear, then the chicks, wet, then the blurred eyes which will
bud in my soul the peace. Despite all this, only one thing obsesses me and that is: if the
river gave birth to the sea and the old Egyptian civilization by its fertile soils which it
left after the withdrawal in its riverbed after the floods each spring and if, after I had
exclaimed Evrika!
I started crying, flooding my chicks, then for the Nile, who exclaimed Evrika!
That genesis of the geneses? Nobody? !
In any case neither I or Sorin or Christine, because the Nile is older than any
civilization which we know and it gave birth to a civilization with Evrika!
A civilization without genesis and therefore a civilization without civilization? But
the Divine Illusion lets us understand that there was a great civilization there indeed.
Maybe the great pyramids are not by chance, maybe exactly this is the geometry of the
word and feeling: Evrika!
A pyramid, and the Egyptians wanted to transmit us over millennia that they knew
even since the beginning of their own history that the geometrical expression of this
word which was left to them even since before their history, and in no way by Nobody,
but by somebody, who more than anybody else and more prophet than any prophet who
exclaimed Evrika and for the Nile so that it cool the feet of the pyramids which were to
become being throughout millennia, in a word the feet of the word of beginning of
civilizations Evrika!
Only now I understand why the worlds and times and spaces and beings with all
their attributes are caving in one onto the others, they melt together in a unitary all
which is nothing else but a thought of the Great Creator in whose dream certainly
resides the geometric being of the pyramid in our world with times and geometries, in a
word: Evrika!
Every one of us we have in our subconscious the geometry of the pyramid because
we have a common genesis. For the mankind the word Evrika is represented by a
pyramid. This happens in our world.
The origin of our origins is found in this geometrical symbol which we found
throughout the civilizations in all peoples, regardless if it is a pyramid trunk, a pyramid
contained in a edifice or a sculpture or portion of sculpture.
The pyramid does not absorb us only in our intimate parts of the personal life, but
especially in the plans of our social life. We can conceive a social system which would
not be pyramidal both in dictatorship and democracy? No! Always at the base of the
social system there will be the many and on top the less!
Could we imagine a non-pyramidal society? Theoretically, yes, but practically,
not! It would be a society in which all would be equal in intelligence, suffering,
obligations, advantages, beauty, honor, truth and the list could continue. Only then we
could talk about a non-pyramidal society. The communism as wanted to be was a utopia
and in what was achieved: a lie. People will never be equal in the attributes which we
have just mentioned.
The society is a pyramid, it is a: Evrika! A pyramid heading with the strength of an
arrow towards the top, ejecting it always higher, without any limit so that we know why
we are complaining, to know why just as the Nile we have to fertilize with our tears the
Future in order to find our peace, without caring that the times may not even exist!
I wonder what is the representation of the word Evrika in another world? Where
there is no world, not time and therefore nor pyramid? Nobody can know. What we can
assert in the illusion which we live and name life is that Evrika in another world may
mean even defeat, dismay and unrest. How can it be tributary to any expression, being
or non-being. Without space we can no longer talk about a geometry, of a pyramid.

33
Without time we can admit the climbing towards the pick which not having a geometry
does not exist!
Despite all this, let us think that all these worlds are found in us and we in our turn
in them having as symbol of this world: the pyramid! Maybe that is why I like to watch
the rays of the moon which are reflecting on my crystal pyramid which I had placed on
the panel of the window. In the nights when the sky is clear and the moon is full
penetrating it just as a prism which in the end opens in a multitude of multicolored
bundle.
Then I feel that I can communicate with Sorin, with his world which is also found
in me even though the rays coming from there I can see them outside me.
I don’t know why, but I feel every ray sent in the ether by a thought or a feeling
coming from another world, coming from Sorin. Even though the light of the rays is
from our world, even though every ray is part of my world, a force which crosses the
worlds comes back until here in order to direct them towards the pyramid on the panel
of my window.
Then I talk to Sorin. I ask him if he is fine where he is, if what he believed here
about the existence is proving true in that world, whether you are happy that you
committed suicide or what is this world.
I remember even now one of the talks which I had with him one night with full
moon when the bundles of rays were shifting playfully on the wall of my sleeping room
in an explosion of colors.
My talk with Sorin was:"If you really are Sorin, please try to stop the dancing of
the rays on the woll in front of me", I said somehow disbelieving that the rays of the full
moon would stop. I waited with my eyes gazing on the wall.
Suddenly the dancing of the rays stopped. Then I understood that Sorin was in the
room, that in me there was the real Sorin Cerin, the one who for years and years tried to
do everything to save me from the clutches of the ruthless Voice, from the clutches of
schizophrenia:"OK, Sorin, I finally exclaimed. I don’t know why, but the first thing
which comes to my mind now in these moments is to ask you if you still love me. If yes,
leave the rays flood one more wall with their divine dance which crosses the worlds."
Suddenly my entire room, not only the other wall was the witness of a paradise, of
a wonderful show which only the princess Moon could reveal to a soul when she opens
her hair which has hairs which contain each a color or a ray and lets it fall in waterfall
over the wishes of the soul which accepts it as part of its nature, uniting the worlds with
love and goodness, which only the love that it created could give. Seeing that dance of a
feeling from another world coming on the wings of the full moon rays I started crying. I
knew that Sorin is by my side and that he loves me. It was all the more amazing that
message as I knew that no spaces, no times separate us, but worlds. I felt like trembling
with all my body, that suddenly I forgot all my troubles and dark thoughts, that my soul
was taking a real bath of happiness in those moments.
"Do you regret committing suicide, Sorin?" I asked, so that afterwards I tell him
that:"if yes, then stop the rays of the full moon and if not then let them with their dance
which seemed to go beyond the spaces and times, so that in fact they moved in a
metaphysics of the eternal frost, of Antarctica, a frozen movement, just as non-temporal
as without space."
And the rays continued their game as if they were dancing on an ode of happiness
older than time.
Then I understood that Sorin Cerin did not regret that he committed suicide. I don’t
know why at that time it crossed my mind to ask him if he loved me, why did he kill
himself?
Why didn’t he come back to me, to remain with me? For Christine? Maybe. Sorin

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was a man who could not accept any compromise, for him I, Irene, was a compromise
just as Christine.
Both of us had become a compromise once I recovered. Years and years I made
efforts to save myself from the clutches of the Voice and when I achieved it was too
late. My recovery in itself was a compromise. This Destiny could not accept, the fact
that life in itself is a compromise. The Voice knew very well that Destiny will never
win in the chess game of my own life. The Voice had a mindset which seemed older
than time, which more than any fortune teller could predict the future. That is why it
was always laughing in my soul with that sinister sound of evil spirit lost in the eco of a
cave. I wonder what piece Destiny would have gad to move in order for the entire evil
edifice of the Voice to collapse as a castle of cards over which a hurricane passed? Also
through rays Sorin once explained to me. He let me understand that the move he should
have made was to accept his defeat through victory. On that last moment of the game,
before the Great Judge, Sorin, even though he considered himself a winner should have
felt defeated. Even though he achieved in hypnotizing the dean Parkins, he triumphed.
Then he lost. Life being by itself a compromise, you will never be defeated, but you
will neither be winning, but always somewhere in between these two hypostases.
Maybe from this standpoint the law of life sounds like this:"Overcome by letting
yourself be defeated or let yourself be defeated in order to overcome." It is a mystery as
great as the omen of the coming of Parkins secretary in order to exclaim the digit 3, that
digit which transmitted itself through the hypnosis state of Parkins to the Great Judge
where they were trying exactly the finals of the chess game between the Voice and
Sorin Cerin regarding me, namely, if my future would belong to the Voice, meaning to
the disease or if it will belong to Sorin, therefore to my recovery. In the end Sorin won
without actually winning. I recovered after three years. Exactly after that"three"
exclaimed by Parkins’ secretary! maybe the Voice knew what it knew regarding this
transcendentalism of its own lucidity regarding the prediction of my life. The mystery
of the lucidity of the Voice is as great asserting once that Destiny would never
overcome, even though he would overcome as is the mystery of the recovery of Parkins,
in fact that of the philosopher from a future which was separated by three hard years
from the past when in fact the real recovery of the philosopher took place.
If the pyramid belongs to the being of the geometry, of the space in our world,
the mystery belongs to the being of the time in our world. Therefore, the basic
coordinates of our world are the two beings of the geometry and time which are
reduced to the pyramid and mystery. The Pyramid and Mystery are the pillars of
our existence.
Our existence is so illusory as it is, is first of all tributary to the being of space, but
not to the multidimensional space, rectilinear and uniform, but to a multidivisional
space of the forms, therefore of the geometry, geometry at the base of which is: the
Pyramid. That is why we can assert that the existence of the being of the space for our
world becomes the existence of the being of the spatial forms, therefore of the
geometry, because, as we have mentioned a few times before, to the human soul no
abstract spatial representations are due, only plan an linear, but a representation of the
forms. The space which surrounds us in this world is a space of forms, therefore of the
geometry. Next to the being of the geometry which belongs volens-nolens to the
multidimensional
space and the being of the temporality, which brings together the three
times which are also tributary to our illusory existence and namely: past, present and
future, which explains the Mystery. Why? Because during our entire life we know with
certainty only the past, the present becoming more a frontier time between the past and
the future, in reality inexistent. No matter how great visionaries and prophets would be

35
there in the world, the future even though it belongs to the past, stays always a mystery
as long as it is a big unknown, submitted always to the unpredictable, being always the
motor which maintains the vigor of life, its meaning which determines to a greater or
smaller extent next to the being of the geometry: the Destiny! Why? Let us imagine
what would happen if every person would know their future as well as their past? What
would happen if we knew the moment when we will be in agony before going to
another world? If we knew what torment we would go through, if we were not unaware
of the hour when a great distress would come upon us or even a great joy? Then what
would happen with us? Certainly we would self destruct ourselves, because what keeps
us alive and determines the evolution or involution of our own society is the
unpredictable, meaning the Mystery. Any past was once a future just as any future will
become a past, this being the basic law of the Mystery. Now one of the most disturbing
questions is this: - At the time of the"caving in" of the space in time and of the time in
space, meaning of the geometry, of the forms of mystery and of the mystery in forms, in
geometries, what will there remain?
The Mystery or Pyramid, considered the base of the forms in our world? The form
and the mystery are tow basic representations of our world, of the illusion which we
live and not one we name it self-conscience. Meaning, by conscience understanding the
totality of the affective, cognitive and volitional characteristic to a person for a certain
stage of their development and the social conscience being all this cognitive, affective
and volitional sum, just that these characteristic of the society on a certain stage of its
development. Therefore, the Mystery and the Pyramid, considered as basic unit of the
form and a type of form of forms in our world is found both in everyone as well at
social level on the ramparts of the feelings, love, affection, hatred, fear and all sorts of
feelings in a word the affective or on the ramparts of the study, knowledge, acquisition,
science, culture or in the other part of the city, but also on the ramparts and namely on
those of the will, that unshakable will which enlarged the scope of our illusory universe
from a primitive hammer and an ordinary animal fir to the nowadays supersonic planes,
cosmic chips and computers.
Nothing of these would not have been had not the Mystery and the Pyramid would
not have been, meaning the archetypal expression of the form, both temporal and
geometrical. At the level of the conscience we cannot extrapolate any part of this
dualism of the time and space and namely to accept only the existence of the Mystery
annihilating that of the Pyramid, meaning of archetypal geometrical form. Why?
Because there is no possibility that the Illusion of our conscience materialize without a
substrate of the form, space and of course of its development, meaning of the space. But
after that, meaning somewhere above conscience? Above mathematics and physics
which are proving so sublimely these"caving ins" thorugh various mathematicalphysical
models which can prove in as simple a manner that on my writing table at this
time a trains passes by in another world or through me a cosmic ship takes off?
I wonder what happens at the time when the space melts with the time? When the
Pyramid becomes Mystery and the Mystery becomes Pyramid? First of all let us define
why the Pyramid is an archetypal form of our world. Any pyramidal system in our
conscience is represented through an evolution, from its base to the top. It is true, some
will say, but the evolution can be represented as well by something else, why
necessarily by the Pyramid? The Pyramid is a three-dimensional representation of the
evolution and it is very well known that our world is tributary to the threedimensionality.
The Pyramid represents both the natural selection of the form as well as
of the content. Any selection in our world take place in a pyramidal level. Nobody can
deny the existence of the selection of the individuals both in the animal organic world
as well as in that of the plants and why not in our human society. The same in the

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anorganic world it is enough to look at Mendeleev’s table. No matter how much we
would like to be equal with one another, let us admit that the selection makes its mark
in the world of the people as well. There is a great difference between the content of the
form as material illusion and the content of the form as illusion of the social or
individual conscience. If the first content doesn’t create the illusion of matter of
substrate, of scene on which the actors of life are playing, the second content is no
longer a scene and not even a theater where the gong is beating announcing a birth or a
death, but it is firstly characterized by senses, talent, power of knowledge, creation,
love, hatred, jealousy, doing good, doing bad, as well as many others, in a word that
which characterizes each one of us individually as well as within the entire society at
social level.
Of what can be seen, the content of the form as illusion of matter is totally
different in respect to the illusion of the conscience which results in the fact that the
form becomes feeling, becomes love, knowledge, will, in a word it becomes again
spirit with representations of the most complex in the material illusion, the
Mystery leaves room for the Pyramid as legitimate representative of the hierarchy,
in a word the time"caves in" in space transforming itself in another world.
The Future and the Past rebecome a Present of the"eternity", coming to the
worlds ‘caving in" themselves with their Mysteries and all, with their times and
non-times, with spaces of dimensions unusually numerous, leaving the eternal and
fascinating form, beyond the worlds where the Mystery set a long time back and
the Past not even knowing from which obscurities older than the world, newer
than the Future became Present and the Form: Spirit. Thus, a crumb of the
thought of the Great Creator gave birth to the Spirit and a crumb of this gave us
the illusion of the embodiment so that we feel the happiness which is given by the
smell of the soil every spring, when its body, the fresh soil which reminds of the
history of billions of bodies of the plants, animals and people which added to it, we
cultivate the seed of the bread on the tables of our life, the bread grown from the
body of the lovers and whispers of love which today is a seed of wheat, a crumb
remained somewhere on the table and thrown off afterwards in the garbage.
This crumb meant once a Destiny, the same as the Destiny of the being of the
geometry and mystery in our world, just as our Destiny, that of each one of us,
that of transforming ourselves in a crumb of bread on the table of the hungry not
yet born and not yet dead for long, until the mystery and the geometry in a word:
the unpredictable of the pyramid, of the material and spiritual illusion in our
world will have been transformed themselves in a thought about a tear of God.
Only then we will know that it didn’t have measure and that the absolute was all
over and in all but never in Us, frail illusion, born to desire the light of day and the
stars of the night which were hiding behind times and love and hatred and curse,
but also love. And then from this world we will remember the unique scale in a
world without measure in which we existed at a time, there wasn’t the fortune, nor
the grandeur, nor the power nor the science and we will know that all in their
mystery are passing and as useless and meaningless. Only then we will discover the
scale which we were looking for groping like the blind through the darkness, scale
without measure in a world without measure named: Love! Then we will know
that no precious metal in the world has no use and no power or any dignity has no
use. Then we will understand that only the one who planted seeds in his field with
love will crop fruits beyond his own being and understanding. More than this, he
will understand that these fruits all the richer and more beautiful as he will spread
love in the hearts of other people, as well, taking it to a degree of religion. The
purpose of this world is in love. The Destiny of this world is in the Spirit of the

37
Form. Thus the harmony of life consists of Loving the Spirit of the Form, in a
word the nature which surrounds you, both the anorganic and the organic. Never
feel superior to a frog, insect or plant and all the more to other people, other
siblings of yours, because everything that surrounds you is an illusion which in no
way will let you discover the absolute, no matter how much you would desire it
and no matter how much you would believe that you discovered it. Because when
you discovered the Basic Truth you wouldn’t be you in this world and until you
know it you will never know what is in fact that which surrounds you. Therefore to
love the Spirit of the Form means to integrate all the more in the nature which
surrounds you and whose laws it is good to respect through love and peace,
through not running after fortunes and neither after power or dignities regardless
how beneficial these would be for the moment. To love the Spirit of the Form
means to respect the sign of your world which is its Pyramid and its motor is the
Mystery. To love the Spirit of the Form means to understand that the world which
surrounds you is only a representation of your own senses, that in fact you are in
an infinity of other worlds, with their times and non-times, with or without their
mysteries, with or without their forms where the Past is not even known from
what obscurities older then the Ages, newer than the Future become Present and
the Form: The Spirit gave us life! To respect the sign of the Pyramid doesn’t
means to wear the pyramid around the neck or to give it the same characteristic as
the amulet. No! To respect the sign of the Pyramid means first of all to accept your
human condition on the social scale, to tend towards the pick of the Pyramid by an
honest game of the values and not through procedures more or less orthodox. To
get integrated within the nature means to try to adjust your conscience all the
better throughout your entire life, your own human condition without denying it
because your place under the Sun is a Destiny.
Maybe that is why I cannot commit suicide, maybe I am not a coward, maybe the
so called cowardice is nothing else but a strength which comes from somewhere from
the depths of my being, a strength which tells me that"My destiny is not to self-destroy
now because the worlds through which I am passing every moment with all my
feelings, with all my love towards Sorin, need me in this world. Then Sorin wasn’t he a
coward? Here I feel to weak to answer. Maybe not, only if we admitted that he had
committed suicide because this was his Destiny. More than this, he wasn’t able to
overcome Antarctica. His life was ending in a station of the fogs, snows, frosts, eternal
snows, a station where Sorin became a memory and that’s it. Going on his way without
return, in a world where not even the Voice which stole from me so many years of life
existed. It is true that I feel the need to see him, to touch him, to talk to him, but all
these I will have to overcome because the nature which surrounds me, my human
condition, my spiritual nature must understand that I understand that one day, in a
certain moment without time and form I will meet him again, maybe among the eternal
ices, maybe in a world with many, many street-lamps on the alleys without end of the
Destiny, where we will walk endlessly towards nowhere and never.
We cannot really talk about a measure in this Universe because the unique measure
of the universe is"the measure without measure", but the term of measure is that of the
sixth, seventh or I don’t know what sense of man which sets the rule of the game of life
from the moment of birth and until death. Any thing, phenomenon, significance,
element, vocabulary and many things which become the attributes of the measure of the
moment of birth and especially from the moment of our own conscience when we know
that we exist, we know that we will die. Without measure life would be impossible, let
alone the society. Even the utopia, means the degree of chaos in the Universe has a
measure, just as the teleonomy, means the degree of order in the Universe. Both the

38
illusion of the organic life and the illusion of the anorganic life is developing depending
on a measure. Neither the space-time could exist without measure, at least from the
standpoint of our conscience, of its capacity to perceive the world in which we live. We
could never assert that the space is big or small without having a measure which to
define this big or small. The Universe submitted to our Illusion which is the so called
conscious life appears to us as being a thermodynamic Universe full of energies, of
plasmatic temperatures, of various temperatures. The astro-physicists agree with the
idea that our Universe has a certain degree of entropy which decreases at the same time
with the passing of time increasing the degree of teleonomy, that is the order of the
illusory matter for us, but taken in consideration by astro-physicists. A calculation
which belongs to this king of our illusion is the measure. These scientists are arguing
that the decrease in the entropy degree depending on the thermodynamic laws,
maintaining that the Universe is thermodynamic. Therefore, if in a system we have two
different sources of temperature, these in a certain unit of time will tend to uniform and
the result of this uniformity will consist in creating a mechanic work. As the
thermodynamic entropy degree will be smaller, the mechanic work will be smaller
which, the astro-physicists argue, will slowly lead to the death of the Universe, but its
birth would be owed to the power of explosion of the Big Bang where, in a totally
uniform Universe the great entropy was produced from our origins which would have
given birth to the energies, temperatures, mechanic work and not in the least the world
which surrounds us with its plants, birds, stars, galaxies and so many others. This
scenario first talks about a maximum teleonomy and an existing entropy which
following a hypothetical initial explosion would have lead to the formation of
everything that exists.
The question which comes to you immediately after this big time aberration is
what type of energy could cause such an explosion in a structure with inexistent
entropy? None, I will answer. If this energy came from"outside", then we can no longer
admit the existence of that Universe, because by its acceptance, the Universe
contains"everything", therefore it contains the world outside, as well, and if in this
world"outside" there was so much energy that it created the initial explosion of Big
Bang, it means that we cannot at all talk about a initially teleonomic Universe, therefore
perfectly ordered, but if one profoundly entropic, therefore disordered. Then? Was the
Big Bang necessary? Could it be produced still? Not only the occurrence of the Big
Bang waqs not necessary, but neither could it be produced, because the Universe had
more initial energy from before that explosion, than during the explosion itself.
Therefore, the initial teleonomy of the Universe had a degree of entropy different
than that of the entropy coming from"outside", giving birth rather to a huge implosion
then explosion, which determines even nowadays the drop in the temperatures and
energies in the Universe at the same time with the passing of time and implicitly with
the drop in the mechanical work. From this perspective, we can relate the"losses" of the
illusory matter in the black wholes, those stars which after some strong explosions
become supernovas so that in the end their matter become tributary to the process of
implosion, which leads to the growth of the atomic and molecular masses of the
elements which make up these black wholes, so that the illusory matter"caves in" itself.
Until this point the scientists were able to explain, but from this point on? From this
point on there is the gate to another Universe, probably an entropy for a teleonomy
belonging to another world. As we have said, the real Universe has no measure, even
though our life, more precisely our conscience cannot conceive anything without
measure. It is not true that the Universe will die by the gradual decrease of the
mechanic work, temperatures and therefore in brief because of its growing cold.
The real Universe not only that it doesn’t have any measure, but it was never

39
born and will never die.
The real Universe doesn’t have times and nor spaces. All are a big illusion. Well,
some will say, but at the time when the supernova explodes, this explosion is not
produced in a certain space and certain unit of time? No! What we see at that time is
nothing else but a multitude of overlapped Universes which creates for us the illusion of
succession and spatial development, together with our conscience, but even the illusion
which we have about our environment, about movement and transformation and
implicitly about temporality is that the explosion could have been produced billions of
years ago before we could see it today. Does it exist over time and space? Is it
transported in a future so far away only of light, just for the sake of carrying messages?
Let’s be serious.
But what happened in fact at the time of the implosion which formed our Universe
cause by the other one’s entropy? Simply, the implosion which has a certain
development in our mind through the concept of the term itself was nothing else but an
overlapping of worlds, which in our mind, when these are acting on us creates the
illusion of space – temporality, and depending on certain characteristics of theirs:
implosion, explosion, speed, transformation and the list could continue. Once there are
no measures in the real Universe, we cannot accept even the degree of entropy or
teleonomy. True! And the order and chaos in the Universe regarding the existence only
in our conscience which beneficiates from the sense of measure.
In reality not only they do not exist, but more than this, their place in the real
Universe is taken by the thought of the Great Creator. Another question would be how
do the worlds overlap giving us in our mind the illusion of transformation, change, of
space – temporality without the space and time exist in reality? The answer is as simple
as possible and consists of the"Unity in diversion" of the real Universe.
As I just said the Thought of the Great Creator of the Universe is at the base of its
genesis, which gives the entire Universe the attribute of unitary Whole, but otherwise,
the valences of this Thought lead implicitly to the diversity of this unitary Whole. We,
too, with the being of our soul, even so tributary to the illusion, are part of this unitary
Whole which is the Thought of the Great Creator of the Universe and in this unitary
Whole in which we are there is also the entire and infinite diversity of the Thought of
the Great Creator, therefore our Illusion with the senses which we have since our birth
including that sense of measure which is reflecting the diversity which in fact is in us
and we in it as being in that unitary Whole which is the Thought of the Great Creator.
Another explanation would be also the existence within the illusion of our life of the
three times: past, present and future, times which is useless to assert that they belong to
the"measure". Any thing occurred within a second or the fraction of a second ago no
longer belongs to our world just as a thing which belongs to a fraction of a second in the
future does not belong in that moment of our world even though it will"pass’ very soon
through it. Otherwise, the size of the present is not even worth brought under
discussion, because this even in our senses of measure could not exist.
I wonder what would be the frontier between the present and the future? But
between the present and the past? I wonder when a thing belongs to the present and
when to the past or to the future? In broad lines we can assert that everything that was
belongs to the past and what will be belongs to the future, in the present what is now
only as that now I don’t know if it exists, because we cannot determine it not even
temporarily. Could that"now" be a fraction of a second or it does not exist at all, since
the future is united with the past? Then?
Life is the Past.
In reality the"present" not only that it doesn’t even exist, but the future and the
past don’t exist either. All these belong to the Illusion. Then how can successions or

40
transformations be formed in our Illusion? What about the three times? The Thought of
the Great Creator is a unitary Whole, but one which includes an infinite diversity. In
our illusory world we know that everything that belongs to the past and to the future
even at the difference of a fraction of a second belongs to another. In the case in which
neither the present exists and we nevertheless have a world, what is really happening?
At first site, it would mean that if any elementary particle form the future, be it meson,
hyperon, lepton or quarc is separated by a fraction of a second from the so called
present with our past, it in fact does not exist in our world. The same is happening also
if it already is a fraction of a second in the past. The present seems not even to exist, not
even as illusory, then? Our illusory world in which we live doesn’t exist? Why do we
have a world, a universe of ours with stars, galaxies, distances, mountains, oceans, but
also another universe and namely the spiritual one, with a vast accumulation of culture,
science and technology. What exactly happens with all these, what are they exactly and
to which phenomenon or law the Illusion which we live is tributary from birth till death,
why do we have these senses, including that of measure, sense which was never really
taken into consideration? Firstly by the example with the elementary particles the
atemporality was proven which is at the base of our existence even though we through
the Illusion are tributary to the temporality. The same happens with space also. This
belongs to the present which in fact exists only illusorily. Any space in the future or in
the past does not belong to our world. Therefore we can assert that the atemporality and
non-spatiality are a real genesis of the Illusion which we live.
herefore, the diversity in a unitary Whole creates for us the Illusion of life,
caused by only one element in this diversity, of the unitary Whole, element in
which this diversity of the unitary Whole is reflected. The temporal and nonspatial
reflection of the diversity of the unitary Whole in an element as well as the
reflection of this element in its turn in the diversity of other elements of the unitary
Whole gives birth to the Illusion of our conscience, of the Past, history, occurrence,
Mystery and Pyramid.
Maybe the most disturbing achievement of life resides in identifying the element
which create for us our illusory world as it is! All that I can assert about this element is
that it generates the Illusion of space-temporality starting from three-dimensionalism,
pyramidal evolution, therefore pyramidal space, vectorial time which flows which flows
from the future to the past, always with an origin and finality in a pyramidal peak of the
history. In brief, the element which is at the base or our world is the space-temporal
Pyramid. Our destiny, the destiny of everything there is in this world which we call in
a very improper manner: Universe is the space-temporal Pyramid which is the
representation of everything that our own Destiny means. In a word, the element which
is at the base of our world is the space-temporal Pyramid.
Our Destiny, the destiny of everything that exists in this world which we call
improperly: Universe, it is the space-temporal Pyramid which is the representation of
everything which our own Destiny means. We live in a world in which the basic rule
resides in the evolution, movement, transformation, in the wish to always reach a newer
peak in the pyramid of development.
The pyramid is also a symbol of history, first of all, because the main motor of
history is the evolution, the transformation, the change and therefore the future which
flows in the far distances of the past of life, our lives. We could not talk about history
without time and why not, without space, as substrate on which the actors of the events
older sometimes than the Ages are dancing. All these in our world because in other
worlds we cannot talk about space-temporality. Our world is a history, after all. It is a
deployment of events which come to us from the future, at the same time with the time
and the flow back towards the past. Whatever is left and comes to life in this world is

41
that developer of events which the history is. History starts from a base, even though
lost somewhere in the obscurity of time. That base is also the base of the pyramid which
in the end is to develop towards its end, to the future. This is also the sense of the
development of the past, of its tendency towards the future, even though the time flows
from the future towards the past. For our world, the absolute peak of the Pyramid which
is the element of this world is given to us by the present. On the peak the future is
delimited by the past, that peak which always tends towards the future, representing the
present with its past and all.
In brief, the Past is tending to always confront the Future, gaining every time
the Time which flows from the Future to the Past, therefore, the Time flows from
the Future to the Past, supplying the Past with enough force to confront the Future
which will be transformed in Past exactly by this Pas with vectorial sense from the
Future which is the Life and the being.
Despite all these, can we accept the base of the space-temporal Pyramid as being
stable in the case in which for the Illusion of life the peak is mobile? Mobility
determined by the phrase above, by the evolution of the space-temporal development
towards the Future. As for the base of this Pyramid, from the historical point of view, in
the case in which we have a fixed base, we can accept an initial point as existing where
the evolution of our world started or incorrectly said by some, of our Universe. As we
have proven the cause of the impossibility of accepting that explosion of the initial Big
Bang type, considering it more of an implosion of the black wholes type and more than
this, certain entropic states which were creating the illusory energy based on reflections
of the elements, in no way can we assert that the base of the space-temporal Pyramid
and namely the base of our world would in reality be one stable spatially and
temporally. It all depends on the entropic reflection of the elements of the infinite
diversity in the unitary Whole.
As such, once in the exterior of our world, there is no spatiality and temporality
which for us are the main motors which create for us the illusion of existence, not even
the space-temporal Pyramid, in brief, the element of the destiny of our world, can
have fixed frontiers, delimited in space as well as in time. But we, thanks to the Illusion
which we live, we can make these delimitations as simple as it can be. We can
graphically symbolize a pyramid of the evolution of the human society from Paleolithic
and until the present of a fraction of a second ago which has itself already become past.
The peak of that pyramid would be the present of a few seconds ago which has
already become past and with the base as fixed and stable in a temporal period of the
Paleolithic. We, within our conscience, can make such representations, just that they
don’t exist in reality, because at temporal and spatial infinity, the peak of the spacetemporal
Pyramid will always be united with its base losing its spatial threedimensionality
becoming by example a square with its corners united by the two
diagonals, reducing itself at the intersection of the diagonals, therefore of two steps, and
in the end in a point.
Exactly in this the mirage of the Illusion resides which we live and namely in the
acceptance of the finite as being a brick in the wall of the infinity of the worlds. By
this"brick", the point catches contour becoming the intersection of straight lines which
are waking up from the infinite"drowsiness" of the worlds,"creating a peak with base in
the infinity" and tendencies towards infinity, just that that peak exists, it tends towards
the future, it becomes implicitly a developer of history, it gives birth to the threedimensionality
and therefore, to our World. Thus the element of our world took"birth"
which is the space-temporal Pyramid. The term of"taking birth" is improper, because
any birth or any death incubates temporality and spatiality, but here it is all about the
illusion of birth.

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The existence of this space-temporal Pyramid itself is illusory, but we can assert
that if there is any possibility of describing this illusion which self-defines itself as
being our world, then it is nothing else but this Pyramid with space-temporality
resulting from somewhere in the infinite, which is tending towards infinite, which gives
birth to history and the dialectics of the existence of our world, in brief to the spirit of
our world.

Chapter 3
Every month Christine or Mother Sara is sending me a letter telling me a multitude
of things regarding her life in the monastery. It is clear that she found again a certain
balance in this manner of living, that the thick walls themselves made of grey stone of
the monastery are nothing else, that the note about the self knowledge of Mother Sara,
are a protection against many thoughts and not seldom"memories" as Mother Sara
herself asserted:"I don’t know for sure if these walls are protecting me against the
invasion of thoughts and memories or I am protecting myself from the frozen exterior
of the non-words of outside which never will be said, just as the possible children not
born will never be born anymore, just as the restlessness will not be able to pass over
the green moss which are trying in their childishness full of fantasy to challenge the
walls, trying to defy the time killer of memories. Maybe these walls are protecting
exactly my memories, not leaving any unwanted incursion from the exterior to wipes
the off, to freeze them in the great ocean of forgetfulness". In another letter she told me
as clearly as possible the cause for which she was in the monastery:"Only surrounded
by the coldness of the stone in the walls, I can find myself again and do you know why?
Because only here in the monastery I can cry inside my soul every morning after I
finish my prayer, cry with all my strength: ELOI, ELOI, LAMA SABACTANI!!!
which means, My God, My God why have you left me?""All these things you will find
them in: Marcus, chapter fifteen verse thirty four of the Bible!
Now I would like to read again my correspondence with Christine or Mother
Sara… Some of the letters which I wrote her throughout time, letters which I don’t
know for what reason I copied. Out of those letters which Christine this time and in no
way Mother Sara wrote to me from between the cold and somber walls full of humid
moss, a sort of tears of time on the coldness of the stone.
New York, Broonlyn
2nd of March
Dear Christine,
I don’t know why I somehow feel it difficult to say"Mother Sara", maybe
because you also were a symbol for me even though so far we were not
friends, not even palls. After Sorin’s death, I knew that you have your place
somewhere in my soul, place which belonged to Christine and not to Mother
Sara. But since everything is transformed in this world… Anyway I am sure

43
that the monasteries would become ruins if in the world all sorts of troubles
didn’t exist. And I wonder if these troubles, soul and body sufferings, who
gives them to us? Doesn’t it God, I wonder? I wonder whether God is the
greatest and strongest in the parking called the planet Earth? Isn’t he the one
who has the power to do and undo everything? If yes, then why does he allow
so much suffering and sadness on this blue planet on which he decided to
make some people after his image? Will you tell us, Christine? ! No!
When talk comes to pain and suffering, it is not God’s fault, but the
Devil’s. Well, if this is so, why doesn’t he defeat the Devil, since God is the
strongest. I will tell you why, Mother Sara. First of all, because if he cannot
defeat him, then he is not so strong as he seems and if he can defeat him, but
he doesn’t want to do it, then he is not so kind as he seems to be, it means that
he is a sadistic God who wants to torment us. If he is not sadistic and neither
can he save the world from suffering, it means that he lost all his powers and
maybe he is not Him, God! What do you say about all these, Mother Sara? I
have been believing in God ever since I know myself. Ever since my
childhood there wasn’t a day passing by without me saying my prayer every
morning, even though at that age I didn’t want to wash my eyes with soap,
because it hurt me.
The morning prayer could not be done with my eyes dirty. In the evening
I would pray again, both for my little plush animals which were surrounding
my bed and which the bitch of my mother had bought for me in order to look
good in our acquaintances’ eyes and especially to look good for the social
assistance workers who were always ready to take to an orphanage.
Where did I end up, Mother Sara, with all my faith?
Can you tell me where?
In the mad hospital, I am explaining you.
I ended up in a mad hospital where I didn’t even know what was
happening with me, in a mad hospital in which my soul was literally stolen by
that miserable Voice. There is where I ended up. I didn’t recognize my
husband nor my child, even though they visited my daily throughout the
years, even though unwillingly, but with the will of God, because everything
that happens in this world is his will, I destroyed the life both of my husband,
who after many hard years of suffering searched for comfort in your arms and
of my child for whom I created a childhood which I don’t wish for anybody to
have.
Can you tell me, Mother Sara, why all these? Can you tell me if I did so
much wrong before God that I deserved all these? Did I really do wrong? !
Certainly you will tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong, maybe somebody
in my family did and the sin was transmitted from generation to generation.
Let us say it is so, but in this case it seems to me a tribal way, if this isn’t
superior either, to punish somebody for the sins of somebody else.
Then? Why all these, dear Christine? Why did I have to suffer so much?
And you? I am aware that it wasn’t easy for you either since you chose the
monastery. In a paradoxical way even I thought not only once to become a
nun. And, for me the monastery would have become a refuge, a sort of escape
from reality, but I didn’t do it! Maybe because Mark needed a mother? Who
knows. All that I can tell you is that if I ended up in the monastery I would
have realized, more there than anywhere else, no matter how hard you are
trying to find the back of the world behind you could hide, you will come to
understand that you will never make it, that the world doesn’t have a back, but

44
only birth and death, that what is born will fie and no matter how much you
tried in the end to hide from death, you will not be able to do it, because it is
your own person and you will never be able to hide from yourself no matter
how much you wanted to do this. But if you want your death, you will end up
discovering that you never met God!
I am not referring to cowardice of the kind I am afraid of Hell, we must
be obedient in order to end up in Heaven, but to the fact that indeed God
Exists and he is not a masochist, nor weak, nor vengeful and nor evil. Maybe
the hardest thing in life is to discover God indeed, to know that he is not a
ruthless God and neither is he fighting with the Devil. Why not admit that we
are very less numerous on this blue planet which is the earth who ever met
God indeed. The rest is created by God, attributing to him their own states of
spirit, both positive and negative, just as I did a moment ago.
Just that God or the Great Creator of the Universe as Sorin used to call
Him has nothing in common with these positive or negative sides of the
human nature. In now way we can to talk about a God with human
characteristics. It is a tribal matter. In the beginning was the animism, people
believed in animals, in gods, in all sorts of phenomena of the forces of nature,
later on out polytheism the monotheism took birth. It is true!
There is only one God foe every inhabitant of this planet, regardless
whether he is a Christian, Arab, Jew, Hindu, Brahmin or Muslim or so many
other religions which are trying to define God depending on the ethnological
evolution of that particular geographical area. I don’t believe in a God having
the face of an old man with white beard and bright eyes. God is somewhere
above any spirit, above any space and time, of any world, that is why we
cannot attribute to God anything of this human nature which belongs to us
with its good and evil, just as we cannot assign to the Devil the negative
attributes. I don’t believe in the existence of the Devil, Mother Sara, because
everything that is let to exist in this world and in all the other worlds of the
Universe is owed to God. T
he fact that the human nature has its dark sides is also owed to the Great
Creator of the Universe. I wonder what would we do without those dark sides
of our human nature which are leading to the entire range of offenses?
Without the machiavelism in any one of us? I wonder how would a world
look like if we were all happy, perfect, we would behave as such, no other
things would be necessary, a world without evil? The food would grow on
trees and the angels would come to fed us? How would a world without
suffering look like? I think it would look horrible. It would be a monstrous
world which would self destruct! !! We don’t want to self-destruct, we want
to live, to live! You do understand, Mother Sara, what we want. Only now
when I am writing to you these lines I feel like crying aloud. I don’t know
why! Maybe because we want to live! ….
And I am consumed often with the thought of committing suicide. What
do you say about this, Christine? Do you think that God is evil? No, we
people are evil! Certainly God will never think about suicide as I do. He will
not think about doing all sorts of anti-social acts. God is not a criminal, we
people are. My question is why did God leave us so evil? This I couldn’t say
anymore that it didn’t belong to his will. No matter hiw much we would
blame the Devil, he is not stronger that God.
I feel such a stranger to myself, Christine, that not only once I felt like
going somewhere towards nowhere, to lose any identity, to tear my

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documents and remain a beggar in a big city. It is a dream of mine which
consumes me more when I am awake than while sleeping. I imagine a dirty
beggar with her hand stretched out to the passers by walking hurriedly on the
dark sidewalk because of the humidity of the tears coming from us. Did you
know that the clouds are crying, too? You didn’t have a clue about this thing,
did you? What is strange in that dream which I live with my eyes open is that
none of these hurried passers by pays any attention to me. Nobody. I start
crying. I too need a penny, poor me. Do you know why I am crying? Not
because I am hungry or thirsty or because I need anything at that time. I am
aware that the role of a beggar is only a small part of the great role which is
my own human condition and it does not represent but a simple dream which
I told you before that I live with my eyes open. Do you know why I feel like
crying? Because when the passers by don’t pay attention to me, I feel a lot of
pity for myself. When I cry I release everything that was tensions and stress in
me until that time. How do you explain all these things, Christine?
I admit that as long as I don’t lack anything I am dying of boredom. I
feel the need of some variation in my life and then automatically I have the
dream with the beggar. Maybe it is exactly what I don’t have, something
which I necessarily need? I have to go down to that step in order to tend and
long for the social step on which I find myself now and which is as indifferent
to me as it can possibly be? I don’t know what to say, Christine! Then that
pity for myself, pity caused by the carelessness of the people. For such a long
time I felt the need of such pity. And? When I went to search for it I found
that son of a bitch Jim who was nothing else but an interested fellow, failed
and lying? Did I obtain the pity which I needed? In no way Christine or
Mother Sara. I don’t know why in certain circumstances I feel like calling you
Christine and in others Mother Sara.
This time both names came to my mind, almost overlapping. Did you
know that Sorin used to write to me even in the madhouse when I didn’t have
a clue about his existence? Did you know that some letters were lost and
others still exist? As long as I was crazy, I didn’t read them. But one of the
assisting doctors of the head doctor would read them. I don’t know his
surname, but his first name was John, doctor John. One of the days when I
started to recover and the Voice was leaving me, that doctor John became
very close to me. As friends, of course. And what do you think he told me?
That I am the wife of a certain guy Sorin who had visited me there often, that
that Sorin, he said, loved me very much and that he wrote to innumerable
letters of which he kept some. He thought I would never recover. He said this
to me in the end. Some of these letters he held back even though he didn’t
have any right to read my correspondence. I wonder if he didn’t breach this
right would I have known about their existence. No! Why? Because by
reading some he found them extremely interesting and kept them more for
himself than for me. Do you know what this doctor liked most, who would
have lost his job had I complained against him that he read my
correspondence? Do you know what he liked most?
The following sentence:
"Dear Irene, I will never believe in madness, because of the simple fact
that the millenary aspiration of man to reach the stars is in fact the millenary
soothing of man to touch the absurd! !!! Sorin. Maybe you, my beloved Irene,
always wanted not to touch the absurd and thus you indeed reached the stars.
My starry beloved, let the cosmic dust of my love cloth you in his love, let the

46
times and spaces cave in themselves and your soul be on the Eternity next to
mine beside the true morning stars of a love which will never die. I love you
so much that all the roses of the world would form a too poor bouquet for
your smile! Yours forever, Sorin Cerin and never more than this."
These lines are only a few of the ones which Sorin addressed to me
sometimes in his letters to the address of a madhouse and that’s it. A
madhouse, Christine. I wouldn’t want you to take these words, these lines as
an offence to make you suffer, just as I wouldn’t want you to cut off your
relations with me, because I am sure that you also loved Sorin very much, that
wandering knight of his own life, who not only that wasn’t understood enough
by those surrounding him or maybe he wasn’t even given the opportunity to
express himself in order to be understood!
I would like to ask you if you are afraid of death, because I feel a
indescribable fear, more than this, a sort of fear mixed with cowardice. I am
fearful and a coward when I think about dying, the idea of suicide. I don’t
think I could ever become an authentic Sorin. Maybe I don’t even want this,
no matter how much I loved him. I don’t know if it is normal to feel the need
to enter the skin of the character whom you love, if it is normal to imitate
him? To want all these, even though I wanted many times to have the courage
which Sorin had before death, to be able to finally confront it! Don’t you
think that it is one of the greatest achievements of your conscience, that of
accepting death and more than this to confront it and laugh in its face? See,
dear Christine, I cannot even smile to it, let along laugh in its face? I would
like you to write to me on this aspect of the courage to confront death, tell me
your opinion, if you consider that it is worth communicating it. I am fearful,
Christine, even though I know for sure, I am more than sure of the existence
of the afterlife, I am afraid of death. I cannot cast away the thought which
resides in my subconscious which tells me that once you died, you are dead,
you don’t know anything about what goes on around you, you are stiff and
that’s it.
You don’t exist, you have disappeared for good, with everything that you
were, with your being and your soul. Even though I am sure that that thought
is a great non-truth, even though I would prefer to assert any enormity, like:
the snow is hot or the rays of the sun give us darkness and not light, but to
assert that there is no life after death. I know for sure that that afterlife exists,
that world after death, just as I know that the snow is cold and the rays of the
sun give us light. Despite all these, we are terribly afraid of death. Maybe it is
a kind of phobia. Who knows. All I can really assert is that I have other fears,
as well. The fear of height, by example. If I am inside a tall building at a
higher floor, I am afraid to look outside the window, I cannot bear the height,
even though I know that once I am in that room, the height cannot harm me, I
cannot fall into the abyss. Despite all these, I am afraid. The same goes for the
height as for death. I am sure, more than sure, that I will not fall into the abyss
from that room and still I am afraid, just as I am not sure there is an afterlife
and I am still afraid that once you don’t see anything before you, the relations
with the world as well as with those of the world with me are finished for
good. I wonder why the Illusion of life invented the fear of anything which
could suppress it? It is simple! In order to persist. Please forgive me,
Christine, if I created for you some discomfort reminding you of death. I
know this is not one my most joyful topics, but life was given us in order to
be able to die and more than this, in order to become aware in a better way of

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the existence of death, awareness which doesn’t brush off after death exactly
because of the afterlife. If the afterlife didn’t exist, if we died indeed in our
body and soul, if our body weren’t born of dust and of our soul not even the
slightest trace of love remained, the concept of death would die for good with
our death, means the death.
Then where would we come if we stepped even on death itself? Not back
to the afterlife itself, not in a world where death doesn’t exist, cold and
impersonal with decaying bodies and fetid smell, with deep holes in which the
black coffins are submitted full of the life which died? Who are we really?
The white bones from the Tombs, the worms which are eating us, the
cosmic ships which are crossing the Universe, the phones or cars, the loves
more or less fulfilled, the computers of the most performing or the numbers
wiped from the trace of time on the funeral stones, the grave diggers, the
smoke of the incinerators which is rising towards the clear heights of a sky
which blesses them with the clarity or as if nothing happened as if a small
spot of dust could in no way defeat the frozen clarity of the coldness of the
non-words which that smoke rising slowly could utter yet years and years
under the sun. Are we all these and we are afraid of death? Why? Why are we
given this afterlife? Only to be more aware that we are dead? Why do we have
to be aware? Isn’t there a different thing from the awareness which in fact
could be an awareness of another world? At this moment I am uplifting the
total death, that final death of the time and soul, without the afterlife which to
trod even death under its feet, let death die finally and irrevocably.
Nevertheless, Christine, I am afraid of the final death. I want the afterlife,
maybe as a substitute of this life but at the same time I want to final death so
the death would die.
Do you think that if it died: death! the life will remain forever? Do you
believe in this, Christine? Life is in fact the substrate of death. Do you know
why? Because death will never exist without life… the death is always
supplied and born out of life, that life in itself becomes the structure which
supplies death, it become death? How do I know that life isn’t death? In
order to destroy death you will first have to destroy life, but if you
destroy life, you will not destroy death, you will give birth to it. Why does
life have to pay this price? Why have I been born? Why do I have a Destiny
which was born to die and will die to live? Yes, Christine, in order to live in
the afterlife or who knows in what world. I didn’t ask anybody to get born.
Nobody asked me if I want to get born or not! Then why one day I will have
to give account to death? You must know, Christine, that to destroy life means
to give birth to death. But I wonder if it isn’t true that everything that takes
birth lives? To give birth to death isn’t yet a life, an awareness or call it
whatever you like, but stil a from of existence? How do we know that except
the Illusion of our awareness there aren’t more in the infinity of worlds and
other illusions where the awareness is not only different in respect to ours, but
it is not even an awareness, but a phenomenon which has altogether different
meanings, different valences, but it is the synonym of our awareness.
To destroy birth would mean to eliminate death, it still means life, of
course in the sense of existence. To destroy birth means eternal life? And
still this eternal life lacks one thing in order to become eternal life and
that is death! Implicitly birth and of course the birth of death. The birth
of death gives birth to death, it gives birth to life. The eternal life needs a
point of reference in order to become both life as well as eternal. This

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point of reference is death, at least in our world and within the Illusion
which to was it seems reality. In the so called reality of ours any thing or
phenomenon exists depending on a point of reference. Life and death,
beauty and ugliness and the list could continue. We see that our points of
reference are in their greatest majority the reverse of the thing or
phenomenon under discussion. Of course there are points of reference
which doesn’t represent that reverse, such as the distance from a
mountain top to another mountaintop. The two points of reference are
similar in as far as the subject under discussion is concerned: death. This
could not exist without its point of reference which is life. At least from
our standpoint, we could not accept the existence of the eternal life
without its point of reference which is the eternal death, finally coming to
the conclusion that the eternal life, the infinite life is also the eternal
death, the infinite death, because several infinites will never be able to
exist, only arbitrarily. The real infinite is unique, it is the biggest, it
contains ALL and in this ALL life is death and death is life, in a word:
The Life of the Eternal Death. In this case, Christine, maybe you can
realize yourself where the alchemists would have ended had they
discovered the elixir of the eternal life.
It would have ended up in eternal death exactly at the opposite pole in
comparison with what they wanted. But Christine? I, Irene, who is still named
Cerin, where will I end? In fact, what am I afraid of? Do you know what
conclusion I came to this moment? That in reality I am afraid of myself,
trying to run away from death. And do you know something else? This scares
me the most. I cannot hide anywhere of myself, not even in the death which I
am afraid of, afraid that I, Irene Cerin, might not be Irene Cerin, a fear not to
lose my own identity resulting from somewhere in the depths of my being,
dark depths where I hid the feelings which are not so nice, like egoism, the
desire to become rich, to overcome without morals, to excel even though you
hurt others, the desire to always be the partner of the lion’s part as well as
other dark corners, prostitution, evilness and many others. Then? I know, dear
Christine, that this negative part of the being is part of life, and even more, it
creates for you that necessary energy, it helps somewhat to the development
of the society trying in as much as possible to cast away death from the plans
of the feelings under discussion or if not, to accept it as part of the everyday
ordinary. No death is an everyday ordinary. Everyone is unique in its own
way and just as the birth or the destiny of that particular person throughout
life. These negative feelings are the ones running away from death, because
death would annihilate them. The awareness of their annihilation gives birth
to the fear of death. What good is there in avarice when in the end your name
will be written on a funerary stone? But the falsehood, egoism and other such
feelings. I would tell you, Christine, nothing. In the end all these feelings are
actuating if not consciously at least in the subconscious the fear of death,
transforming it in a chronic fear with strong reverberations in the psychic of
the person. Do you know, Christine, what I think about Sorin? That he was a
good man, a man too good for life that he accepted death. As you can see, I
am not so good, even though I would like all these. Religion does not accept
those who are committing suicide, because they consider that life is given by
God, only God can take it. Maybe at the time of the suicide God agreed with
it, too, because nothing under the sun is done without his WILL.
Every soul has a Destiny and this Destiny finishes its assignments in this

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world at the time of death, regardless how this death occurred, in this case by
suicide! I always accepted the idea that every man, plant, animal, rock, ocean,
planet, galaxy, world, it has its own Destiny and not only this, but a cosmic
Destiny.
Every atom, molecule, elementary particle or Quark have their Destiny
resulted from somewhere in the depths of the absolute and infinite
profoundness of the Great Creator of the Universe has a Destiny. In the
Universe determined by the Great Contemplation of God there is an infinity
of other Universes among which our world, this one in which we take birth in
order for us to die! In the end it means that even the Destiny of a person
committing suicide was known by God long before he was born in this world
and die. Even the term"before" is not suggestive enough, because it represents
a space-temporal quality and God is not submitted to the rules of the spaces
nor to the times, therefore that"before" is improper.
God is the one who created the ages and not the ages are the ones who
created God. The interdiction to commit suicide, interdiction found in some
religions seems to me at least partially and not totally plausible. It would be
useless to remind myself that every religion has a policy in which certain laws
of the social behavior as well as the ones tributary to the society in which that
religion developed are dealt with. Where would they have ended if their
believers had the right to commit suicide? To a diminishing of their number
fact which would not have been pleasant to that particular religion and not
only to the religion, but also to the society in which it was created, to that
particular state. The lack of such an interdiction would have clearly lead to the
decrease in the number of persons in that society, threatening with its
disappearance.
I met many people who considered those who committed suicide to be
cowards. Do you know why, Christine? Because they don’t take time to
confront the pain, the suffering, in brief the misery of life as the people
committing suicide are. I would like to see which one of these persons who
are ready to categorize the people committing suicide as cowards would have
the power, courage, to confront their own life, to confront themselves and
commit suicide? I think you don’t need an answer to this question which I
asked. Then where is the cowardice? What is its structure on the social
hierarchy?
Here I will answer you Christine.
Cowardice reaches the maximum level or the culminant point on top of
the social pyramid in the majority of the situations and as you proceed
towards the base, it decreases. Why? Because as you go up at certain levels,
you will meet all the more persons who are lying to their own life accepting:
the compromise. The compromise to let your illusion roam free in the Illusion
of your life, that of reminding to yourself that whatever you do for yourself
and for the close ones is wonderful. The compromise to underestimate and
even cast away death from among the thoughts. The compromise of eternity
and durability which you will give your own work and the list could continue.
This compromise with life crept into the religions, as well.
Why not admit it the truth. No matter how much we tried to lie to
ourselves. Our life is a long compromise from the awareness of the existence
and until death, with ourselves. I came to the conclusion that this illusion in
which we all live, born just as robots whose shape, parts, capacities and
producing factory are identical, necessarily needs cowardice. Cowardice is the

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result of that compromise which every man makes with how own person,
from here the so called impurity or dirt is born, sin of life. I wonder how
would our world look like without compromise? But we as individuals and of
course the society which we compromised? First of all, dear Christine, our
world would not look in any way, because it would no longer exist and let
alone the society, it would be as inexistent, just like the individuals who made
it up!
Life is a long compromise with ourselves!
We got born in a world of paradoxes, world which we must meet with
precaution and decisiveness, thus, we will not be able to take with us too
many things of this world. No matter how much we will want to understand
the paradoxes of this world like: Why is death hated by life once it is a
deliverance? And why does life run away from death once it is born? And the
list of the paradoxes could continue endlessly. I wonder whether life
materializes through the long line of paradoxes which we have to confront,
just like a ship, the waves of the ocean, until we reach the harbor with the
destination death? Why the Ocean of the Mirage of Life is so stretched out
and deep that we can never determine its coordinates no matter how much we
guided ourselves by the Death Star which reflects itself in it?
I would like to ask you, Christine, why we wll who got born must be
travelers through this Ocean? Wouldn’t it have been better if we were only the
inhabitants of just a harbor and not sailors? You in fact, what are you doing in
a monastery? Do you think that the Monastery is the your Ship on the Ocean
of the Mirage of Life? Do you think you saw God’s soul that he showed to
you the Milky Way while you were traveling on the Ocean of the Mirage of
Life, guiding yourself by the Death Star? Where did God prompt you to go?
How will have to navigate in life, in the future? Avoiding the hurricanes and
huge waves of your own Destiny or confronting them? What flag are you
displaying on the ship on which you are? Is that of the one of the paradoxes
which you are displaying or the one of the cross?
I would like you to understand me, Christine, that I asked you all these
questions which are tormenting me often and for which I could not yet find an
answer in my soul and even though I found it, still it could not reside in that
room of my heart where in the deep silence of the night only the metronome
beats of time which is measuring every minute for you with the accuracy
which we will not meet anywhere on Earth, which is measuring the blood of
the existence of your Destiny. This and nothing more, a blood which flows
slowly, but surely through the veins of your Destiny, to love and to suffer,
somewhere in the Ocean of the Mirage of Life, in the Great Illusion as Sorin
would have said it.
As for the rest, dear Christine, mark is fine, healthy, just that two weeks
ago he had a nasty cold. He wants to get married with a girl Chelsea whom he
introduced to me half a year ago. They live together somewhere in Manhattan.
He left his address with me, I promised them to pay them a visit, but I don’t
know why I didn’t go. I like it in Brooklyn, even though this neighborhood
reminds me of various moments of the past, finding myself again in a world
which was and of which all the less people will remember. My present is
somewhere there. You know very well that when I tries to bring the present to
the present, that I was sure it was worth reliving my life and change it, to
become a woman without problems, strong and self-confident in any
situation, I encountered a painful failure. I met that bastard Jim who didn’t

51
want anything else but take advantage of me. What profit did I gain when I
left Manhattan to remake my life? With the fact that I became a bigger
stranger to myself, with the fact that I felt and hid of myself in order to live an
Illusion with that bastard with whim I wanted to replace Destiny? ! let me
come back to the present with my present from the past? What is the result of
all these facts?
Do you think I changed and became another Irene?
No, not at all. The effect was exactly the opposite. Over night o woke up
even more stranger to myself and more anchored in the past as ever. The
result was for me a complete failure, as defiant failure on my own person, that
I don’t know whether I will ever recover from this foolishness of mine.
Despite all these, I am so damned alone, Christine. It is a painful loneliness
and why not: killing. I know it is very important that on the ship of your life
you find your soul mate with whom to sail, but what if you will not succeed?
If you come to the conclusion that that soul is not the one beside you and he
died? Then it is better you sail alone than alone in two.
Same happens to that soul mate, even though you don’t know that it
exists, he is taken away from you by the Destiny and taken to other far
distances of the Ocean of the Mirage of Life where maybe he lives beside
another soul in the mirage that that would be his soul mate, same loneliness in
two.
I think and I strongly maintain, Christine, that Sorin was my soul mate. I
don’t want to offend with this statement, but I don’t think that a soul mate can
have several mates. I don’t think that you were Sorin’s mate. What killed him
was exactly his character as fighter, of always wanting to win, wanting to
defeat his own life. He was not the man to accept the compromise of this life
which made him remove his own life. This I consider as being the cause of
Sorin’s death. Despite all these, I wouldn’t want to upset you for nothing in
the world. Chelsea, the girl together with whom Mark lives and with whom he
wants to get married asked me recently what sort of a wedding dress to prefer,
with white veil or pink? I remember when I married Sorin in Saint Patrick’s
Cathedral I didn’t have a wedding dress and neither did I have a veil. I didn’t
even know that I would get married that morning. I don’t even know how I
got to the cathedral, how the bishop welcomed us and asked us what we want,
how Sorin ran to buy wedding rings and in less than an hour we were in front
of the altar with the trivets of the cathedral on our heads and with two
godfathers chosen especially for this as witnesses among the passers by who
were in the area. Neither those two and nor could we believe that we are
getting married and not in the last, that these unknown people from the crowd
are our godfathers. You think that we didn’t get along in life if we got married
like this? We got along and very well. If it were not for my miserable disease
certainly our Destiny would have been different. I am not the fan of
ceremonies with luxury, where everything is thought on from before, where
they hold boring speeches and where everything beneficiates from a sound
directing with lights as on the scene in an old crowded Broadway theater.
Even though our life is a drama, sweeter, more bitter, more languid or sober,
it is firstly directed by Destiny.
When we intervene in the place of the Destiny thinking that we will be
able to replace it successfully, we end up living falsely and in no way the
Illusion of life, this Illusion which was given us by the Destiny and which is
unique in order to be able to travel on the Ocean of the Mirage of Life in the

52
calmness of the hurricanes which are haunting us guided by the Death Star. I
never liked to accept the idea that my life is a drama, be it better or worse,
played somewhere in a full hall on Broadway, where because of the
crowdedness there is no air to breathe, you suffocate and the actors on the
scene are saying their roles just like hanged people fighting with the rope
choking them, suffocating them. Well, Christine, this is not my life and finally
I will not be able to tell Chelsea what wedding dress to choose for herself. I
hate wedding dresses and everything that belongs to luxury, because I
consider all these things as a legitimization of the falsehood. I wonder how
our world would look like without luxuries and pomp? Without politicians in
formal ware and so called elegant and extravagant dinners? Why do people
run away from the truth, from the precious truth which they possess and
cannot understand, this crumb of truth of the Destiny, of its Illusion which
anyway is very far from the Basic Truth of the worlds? Why am I running
from this truth accepting the lie of the luxurious directing of fashion, cars,
houses and the list could continue? Why is there any need for luxuriant
celebrations when a bouquet of flowers taken from your heart and a few
words told before a priest with two godfathers chosen randomly out of the
crowd are weighing much more in the depths of your soul?
I will tell you why, Christine. Because people are running away from
themselves. For them the compromise with the life which I told you about just
now consists in creating an imaginary world, more acceptable than this world
we live in. A world of lies. From here the fashion, the extravagance,
ceremonies and many other things which transports people in that world
which they think it makes them pass easier through the Ocean of the Mirage
of Life, but they are utterly wrong, because they are not doing anything else
but run away from themselves, causing all the taller waves which in their turn
will isolate them even more, since they will end up on the death bed
wondering lucidly this time:"My life was a dream. I don’t even know when it
passed. Now you get born and now you die. How fast the time passes by."
Only then they realize that by running away in the dream world of models,
sometimes of drugs, life passed them by avoiding them, letting them drown in
the Ocean of the Mirage of Life. Then? What do you think that such a soul
could want more? A very fashionable suit for the mountains, a luxuriant car
which everyone turns their heads around to watch, a cigarette, a glass of wine,
drugs? Beautiful women, dream palaces, jewels. No! No way, none of these!
Everything that a soul may want when they are aware of the imminence
of death is to relive a life directed by their own Destiny, in which to know
love, suffering, happiness, seasons, the rain drops which to flow down their
front head, real feelings and firstly their half destined to them by the Illusion
of Destiny and this only if it is destined to you, thus, at that time he will want
more than ever to be in control of his ship, to look at the violent waves which
are reflecting the rays of the Death Star, to feel the thrill, the vibrations of the
rudder, the strength and power of the waves of life on their journey towards
death. In no way he will forgive the moments when instead of being in control
he was hiding behind some false directing on a bed in a cabin of the ship.
Time passed by and the waking clock announces him that he is in the Harbor
of Death.
I think there is no greater pain at that time than knowing that you
traveled sleeping on the Ocean of the Mirage of Life, that you will never see
its waves, that you will never feel its cool breeze with smell of sea plants and

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more than this, the horizon which is always lost towards a new line of our
Destiny for its future unification with death. Well, see, dear Christine, how
intricate are God’s ways? Now I want to commit suicide, now I don’t, now I
want to throw myself on the board of my Destiny’s ship between the
mysterious waves of the Ocean of the Mirage of Life and now I don’t!
Despite all these I don’t think that to live your life means to stall more time on
your Destiny’s ship meaninglessly. The quantity of the temporality of life is
not what matters, but its quality. When I feel like committing suicide I am
thinking that everything that was pure and true in my life took place, as for
the rest, whatever is left is only the squabble in the cup of coffee. Then I go
down to a room of the ship and live again in the past letting my rudder by
itself, letting the ship navigate at will. Well, now again I want to commit
suicide. Just a moment ago I didn’t want this. Maybe I was thinking that that
dying person regrets exactly the fact that he didn’t stay in control of his ship.
When I realize that I tried not only once to take my rudder in my own hands
and I didn’t succeed to hold but a few moments, I feel like crying, like
shouting as loud as I can, even though in the deafness of the loneliness of my
soul, I shout: - Why, oh God, do you give me such big waves on the route of
my Destiny? What wrong have I done? Then I repeat several times within me:
I don’t know, I don’t know, I….; and so on until I fall asleep in the ship which
navigates at will. Good night…
Drowsy Irene
After one month I received Christine’s answer. I didn’t think she would write to
me. I knew I was tough with her. After all, Sorin was her husband, too, and I wasn’t
doing anything else but remake those pictures with other hews of color and images.
What I was doing was to change the image of a street, of a quarter of the soul, what
wasn’t one of the most pleasant or acceptable of things. Here I have Christine’s answer
to my letter dated in March. She is writing to me:
2nd of April
San Antonio, Texas
Dear Irene
You don’t know how happy I was when I received your letter, now more
than two weeks ago. Forgive my delay in answering, but I had a very busy
period of time in the monastery with the preparations for the Holy Easter that
I hardly had time to breathe. I can say that even I am thinking of you and
Sorin often. I wasn’t upset when you made the remarks with the half of the
other. I believe just as you, Irene, in the fact that every soul has a half of his
on this Earth which he can find or not! Honestly, I don’t think I found mine,
maybe that is why I am in this monastery. I know it sounds somehow strange
to you, but when I chose to come here, I did it exactly to run away from
loneliness. I was also tormented by that aspect of death and that to a serious
extent.
Many people will assert that who withdraws to a monastery chooses the
solitude! In a way, this is true, but here it is more about the bodily solitude
and in no way about the spiritual one, because, anyway, in comparison with
New York, in the monastery I feel God closer to me, I feel the closeness of
the other souls of mothers, souls who in their great majority ran away exactly
from that crushing loneliness which is offered you by the society when you
will never find your soul mate. No matter how much sex you had with one
person or another, they will never replace the soul and more than this, no soul,
no matter how warm they would behave towards you, they will never replace

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your soul mate if he is not destined to you by the Destiny for this.
Initially I believed in Sorin, he was the one giving me affection as much
as I wanted. I needed it. Immediately as I opened the tap of his eyes, the
affection started flowing! I never thought that this tap will break down and
that at that time no plumber of souls in the world would ever be able to fix it.
In the beginning, just as you, after a long suffering, I decided to change the
old and broken tap in my heart with a new one. The first one I brought to my
bed was not a match, it hardly worked for one week, then it broke down. The
second one – only two weeks, the third and the forth and the fifth and the list
could continue until the thirteenth tap. It is an unlucky number or it isn’t, I
don’t know, but from that moment on I decided to become a nun. I was aware
I had become a prostitute thirsty for sex, that at a certain moment in time I
almost wasn’t even interested with whom I am sleeping and I wanted to feel
in me the organ as thick and hard to satisfy me. I was trying to lie to myself
that our affection resides in the sexual satisfaction, I almost achieved this.
I didn’t want to hang onto the arm of any guy with my heart because I
was afraid not to fall crazily in love with him and he, the great one coming
into my life should not have been your Jim, who in the end was going to make
me suffer. How paradoxal is the human soul. I wanted love with all my heart,
I wanted affection, I wanted my soul mate whom I was looking for and at the
same time I was running away from all of these, I was trying to hind in the
corners of the sexual depravity because I was afraid not to create the false
illusion that I found my affection, love, soul mate and then everything be
nothing else but just an illusion, just as our entire life, only that the Illusion of
Life is a standard Illusion for everybody, fact which gives you the feeling that
you are never alone as long as you join that standard which gives peace, wipes
off the pain by the news that what you are living others are living, too and
therefore it is normal.
What is painful is the fact that in this standard of illusions a sort of open
lie intervenes which is creating the impression of truth, allowing you to give
free way to your suffering to run free on the endless stretches of the heart,
hitting in their crazy rush the foaming waves retreating in a calmness full of
the torment of the sand on the shore of love and happiness, whitened by their
foam towards the Ocean of the Mirage of Life, just as you called it, Irene.
Now you understand me, Irene!
The notion of soul mate is one of the few notions which the Illusion of
Life which a standard spreads in the souls of those keeping it in existence, as
a cloud of pollen over the flowers in the summer, spreads it
shouting:"everyone must find their soul mate!", without saying whether he is
to be found for real or not. It is only one of the paradoxes of life.
Maybe I have this fear also because of the fact that I really loved Sorin
for true. I cared a lot for him. I don’t know why, but I was sure that Sorin was
my soul mate, I felt that I was a happy person who didn’t need anything more
in this world. Everything lasted until you shoed up again, suddenly in his life.
Maybe he also believed that I was his soul mate, maybe it suited him to think
like this, you being ill, incurable, in his conscience.
Well, you see Irene, I didn’t come to understand this namely that Sorin
liked to live with the lie that I was his soul mate, exactly in order to forget a
part of the past of lead which was oppressing him. I didn’t understand all
these. At the time when he came back to his senses and saw you in the flesh,
healthy by Mark’s side, in the park near Columbia where you slept during

55
your first night in New York, only then he realized for the first time how
much he had been lying himself about me. Only then he realized that all the
time spent with me was nothing else but a lie coming from his desire to cast
away his past of lead exactly because he loved you very much. I was in his
heart a sort of substitute of yours, but in no case the original, but a better or
worse copy of it. From that time he could not accept to live next to a copy and
reject the original, but he couldn’t admit in his own soul that he had been
lying to himself either, that he had been living a lie for a good deal of time.
More than this Sorin, no matter what else, started to love sincerely, truly even
though he knew that I was not the original. He had crazily fallen in love with
the copy. This killed him. The fact that he could not realize how he had fallen
in love with the copy more than with the original. Then he realized that his
life was a lie and therefore it didn’t make any sense anymore.
This is what I think, Irene, and this time I wouldn’t want my writing to
make you upset. I admit the fact that I felt humiliated when I realized that I
was a loyal copy of the person whom I had to replace and who was nobody
else than you, Irene. We two don’t look physically alike, at all. Your hair is
dark and mine is brown. We have two different professions, not even
aptitudes and as personality I think we are not at all the same. Then? What do
you think made Sorin choose exactly me for a trip from Europe to Australia? I
will answer to you myself, Irene. Sorin was made to choose me by that
something which gave him peace and power at the same time. Maybe a ray of
light chosen by millions and millions of other rays which were falling as
aslant in our eyes as the snow flakes on the lips thirsty with love. Maybe at
that time it seemed to him that that ray looks exactly like the ray which he had
noticed once in Irene’s eyes. When I heard that you had recovered and I was
feeling his eyes all the colder, it hurt me a lot. It had started even from that
evening when he came back home after meeting with you and his eyes were
throwing ice cold looks floating at free will over the frozen oceans of the
feelings.
Maybe that is why he chose Antarctica to commit suicide. From that
evening he really felt the coldness of life… I couldn’t help him. I could not
send him back to your arms because I loved him. despite all these, I said the
next day:"Maybe it would be better for you to go to Irene. I feel, Sorin, that
between us there came one of those harsh winters in the life of the Earth and
Sky and Fire and Waters in our souls. I feel that even the rays of light in our
eyes have frozen. I see how all these elements become icebergs and they are
breaking under the cornice boarding of our hearts, the iced soil and water
falling down at our feet which make up our bodies who had kissed each other
and caressed so often, the icebergs of sky and fire as broken and frozen at our
feet which have opened the gates of the horizons and clear distances of our
burning feelings, hotter once than any plasma which conceives love and ices
of light fallen as inert and impersonal at the feet of our feeling which together
with other ices, with the other pieces of ice, soil, sky, fire and water gave birth
to our Destinies, bringing them together even though for a short period of
time. No matter how much we lived, our life wouldn’t mean anything not
even a crumb of time, reported to the infinity of the Universe and then, Sorin?
What could I tell you in these moments? Towards what cardinal points with or
without horizon to send you? Towards those with horizons or towards those
without horizons? You really need horizons. Life would cave in without
horizons, because in them you find the strength and force to continue further

56
on the way of feelings. At the same time you need horizons, because you
might have to go far away, to go so far from yourself that you lose your own
life in a meaningless death. You are a traveler through my Destiny, Sorin,
even though I would have liked to become the station for a life. And no train
ever pass through my soul out of which another one and another one stop,
hurried travelers, so hurried that even their time becomes on fire and it burns,
it burns moments of the soul, moments of love in a choking smoke which
numbs even the Destiny itself, making it fall asleep in the wonderful dreams
of the estranging oneself, great curse of our makings from the beginning of
the world, curse of the Original Sins without which we cannot exist regardless
of how much we wanted it, like Sorin used to say: If we didn’t have the
Original Sin we would have had to invent it – this being one of the main
pillars which ensures our painful peace full of torment and crying in silence of
our Destiny." All these I told Sorin that evening. I don’t claim that I revealed
to him the sentences word by word, but to a great extent this was our
conversation. I don’t know what occurred to me to use ice in my expressions.
Sorin Cerin answered me:"- The Ice Age of my soul has started." This is what
he told me and nothing more. He sunk with his body in the armchair in front
of the fire place and remained still with his eyes fixing the flames which were
dancing an eternal fire dance. It hurt me that I had to tell him all these, but I
felt that there was nothing I could do, I knew that it was my duty to give him
freedom to choose, I felt that if I didn’t give him this freedom to choose, he
would have suffocated himself by my side in the thick and dense smoke of
our fiery Destinies. What was I supposed to do then? Could I tell him Mr.
Cerin, this is your house and this is your wife and therefore it is compulsory
for you to respect your contract with me! In a word, our marriage.
Do you think that if I told him all these things, he would have remained
just like a dog harnessed with the contract of our own marriage by my side?
Maybe yes, maybe no, but in any case that would not have been Sorin Cerin,
but a soul imploring for mercy, yes, Irene, more pity than what his soul
inspired to me: noblesse, courage, love, greatness, goodness, justice. All these
would have remained hidden in a corner of his locked heart forever with thick
locks of the incapacity of ever coming to life. Sorin would have become an
obscure character for whom the sole purpose of his life would have been that
of vegetating in a continuous lethargy, waiting for his death in a strange
station both to me and to him, on a platform of dismembering and defeat in
the most important battle in his life, that with his own life.
He lost because of his Destiny. In no way do I think that the defeat was
caused by him. He was too much of a fighter who with a special tenacity – he
was smelling the battlefield on which his own hopes, achievements, aims,
success are found suddenly, when all these considered him defeated, when
they sure that Sorin will never hold them, he attacked with all the strength of
his will and intelligence, his priceless weapons and overcomes, taking in his
own soul both the successes and the failure of the victory.
He knew better than anyone else to transform every failure in a real
success, he was a master in choosing his targets. Can you realize, Irene, what
did Sorin feel when he saw himself defeated for ever and Irremediably? It is
true that I often thought what would have happened if I didn’t tell him to go to
you, if I didn’t tell him about the ices of the fire, earth, waters, light, sky, if I
thought all these on the spot without telling him. I always repeat dozens of
times in my mind what would have happened if I didn’t talk to him about the

57
ices? Forgive me, Irene, if I repeat with this obsessive question of mine,
question whose answer I already know even before formulating it, to which I
answered dozens, hundreds and thousands of times…
I still ask it knowing that if I still had Sorin by my side, he would have
been a defeated Destiny, un unhappy Destiny who could not divide his life
according to the will of his own Destiny. I would like to get released from the
mania of this question and I am not able to succeed. Maybe I loved him too
much, Irene, maybe I will never be able to forget his wonderful kiss in that
plane flying over thirty thousand feet above the Pacific. The blue of the ocean
was melting together with that of the sky letting it flood our souls with their
peace blessed by the bright rays of the Sun who were happily hugging us that
we had come so close to their hearts.
I like to talk to you Irene because I can tell you what I feel, I perceive
you as a soul as far away as close it is. A paradox which I cannot explain.
Maybe because of the fact that I have the feeling that you are the only being
who would understand me in as far as Sorin’s person is concerned. Don’t
think that I sometimes don’t have the tendency to navigate somewhere in my
past, where I had at least the impression that I was loved, wanted, in brief to
form together with my soul mate a whole. We both know very well what a
wonderful, comfortable feeling is created by the awareness of that whole,
better said the couple. Then when I realize that will not be able to travel
forever only on the waves of my past, when I feel that even the ship of my life
is starting to screak from all its parts, a sinister sound of the end of the world
horrifies me and those waves of the past don’t hesitate in hitting it with their
force stirred up by the nature, roaring continuously lie a savage pain of life in
loneliness. When I know that in the darkness of the night even the Guiding
Star of Death is lost, then and only then, I lift my front head towards the sky
and I cry aloud in the deep silence of my soul: Mercy, God! Then I wait for
the dawn throughout the chambers of heart. When the rays of light are late in
coming, I beg for more mercy. Again and again when I hear the horrifying,
ripping barking of the dogs which are biting hungrily from the flesh of my
memories which are running here and there hurt, hitting one another, all the
more overwhelmed because of the pain caused by the dogs, of the fear and
caused by them until they get lost in the obscurity of my past, just as the masts
in the night on the Ocean of the Mirage of Life. At that time I again beg for
mercy from my God and only then I can finally see the first ray of light in my
heart which helps me see with clarity the cold Wall and full of humid moss, of
a dark green color which is staining the grey of the monastery’s Wall. At that
time I feel at the peak of despair, more lonely than ever that I pray to God to
keep me company and I tell him that I feel like going crazy because of
loneliness and I am telling him that I don’t want the ray of light anymore
which is showing me the wall of the monastery, but I want to go back to my
past and I pray to God to remove the dogs this time which are ripping my
memories apart and these dogs retreat nicely somewhere in the dark, taking
with them the ray of light which was given me to see the wall of the
monastery, so that I could go back into the past. Once I know that I find
myself there again by prostration and begging to God I want to see the light
again and again the wall of the monastery is revealed to me and dear Irene,
this is how my life flows begging from God what I don’t have because what I
receive I cannot stand.
At first sight maybe you just like me will have the feeling that I am a

58
person who doesn’t know what she wants, an undecided person. My
restlessness doesn’t come from indecisiveness neither from a instability of
psychic type, but because regardless of how many people I have around me, I
feel alone, I feel a painful immense solitude, so painful that when I run to the
past and present and again between the present and the past and gain and
again, I in fact am trying to run away from myself. I feel that I am afraid of
myself, that I am not at all that Christine whom I know! Then?
I came to the monastery in order to feel God closer to me, to keep me
company, not to be alone. DO you know what I found out from my life with
God? I found out that God will never be able to come down from his infinity
as a simple soul. God gave us the way and the feet with which to cross, but he
will never come to cross it instead of us. God will always represent the
Absolute and the Truth while we, mere immortals who are born in Illusion
and we die holding it in our arms, we will never be able to understand God,
because he is the Beginning and the End of Infinite. In the Illusion which we
live, it is very hard to understand the Infinity has a beginning and an end just
as it is difficult to understand that the Becoming, Transformation can exist
without times or spaces and despite all these, the infinite spaces are becoming
inexistent, letting the Becoming make its mark even without them.
Do you know, Irene, what impressed me in your letter? The manner in
which you explained the diversities of the worlds in their unity as well as the
unity in diversity. I believe in this interdependency in this reflection of the
elements of the diversity of the worlds, ones and the other in a Whole which
is the Thought of the Great Creator of the Universe, the Movements,
Transformation not being anything else but non-temporal and spatial
Becoming at the level of the worlds where there are neither times nor spaces,
but completely other coordinates depending on the element which
characterizes them. This Becoming not being anything but the reflection of
the other elements of the worlds in our elements creating the Illusion of the
self – existence, in brief the awareness of the existence, namely that
conscience. Now maybe you understand why I feel God so far from my soul
from the standpoint of the loneliness and still so close to me, to the corners of
each chamber of my heart.
I love God because I love myself. I am afraid of God, because I am
afraid of myself. I adore God, because I adore myself as His creation. I praise
God because I thank him for the goodness and happiness in my life, as much
as it was, but they were and I beneficiated from them. I desire God because
He is the Master and I am the Beggar! If I were not a beggar before him
anymore would I still adore him, love him? If I didn’t have even the slightest
interest from God? If I didn’t need anything from him? Then, what kind of
Mother Sara would I be? The people, what kind of people would they
become, how would religion change them? All these because we wouldn’t
beg for mercy anymore, because the fear of tomorrow would not exist, the
fear, the hopelessness, the crimes and so many other evils? I wonder whether
exactly these evils urge us people to adore God? Are they compelling us to
create him within our spirit, creation to defy the histories and evolutions of
mankind? It is somehow sad, Irene.
I feel a deep sadness in my heart. I would have liked people to create and
understand a God who didn’t give them anything and they, the people, to
understand that everything that surrounds them with the good and the evil be
created by the Thought of the Great Creator and that these creations give us in

59
their turn or do not give us depending on the requests.
The Real God is in no way coming down to each one of us waiting
diligently to be asked of him. The Real God is no expression of the defeated
beggars in the fate of this world. He is the Destiny of all the things in the
Universe. The Destiny of the Infinite, of the Absolute and the Truth. When I
assert that God and only God is this Destiny, I am doing it also because the
Thought which created the worlds with its existences and non-existences
belongs to God, always across Time, Spaces or Illusions. He is and that’s it.
This is the Real God, dear Irene, this God I discovered here between the cold
walls of the monastery. Him I started to worship and from him I am ashamed
when with my stupid mined woman’s mind I try to personify him, creating
this and that for him, including mercy, including to bring me from my past to
my present and the other way around. That God whom I address myself is in
fact a self-addressing of mine to myself, to everything that has value,
candidness, goodness in my soul, but also to that side of me which is afraid, I
am frightened and it feeds on the mystery in my veins. If I speak, I am doing
it with this last of all Gods, this last one of all Gods is asked by people in
churches to give them one thing or another one. To him the oppressed and the
tormented of the Destiny are going, but the others are going, too, because they
feel the need to address themselves, they feel the need for power from the
depths of their own souls, where there are indescribable treasures which only
the ceremonial luxury of the churches can unlock with the big rusted keys of
the atavist Destiny between the Ages. This is the God of man. Without this
God, Man would have been lonely indeed on Earth, because he would have
never found out that God lives in Man, that form of love and purity giver of
hopes and strength.
Through God, man made his first step to come closer to himself by
confronting the darkness of the Ages of the beginning of Mankind. By this
first step for the self-refinding of the Man another rediscovery was created of
a System of Values, where God held the leading position. By its nature he
creates his leaders, even though his soul doesn’t have them, he has to related
them to something. He will aspire towards the top of the social Pyramid. It
cannot be said exactly when Man made his first step towards himself, because
that date is lost in the dawn of history. Even the acceptance of only one God,
be it animal or plant, be it man or only spirit, it is still called the first step of
God. At the same time with the evolution, it was normal that polytheism
leaves room for monotheism as being one more step of Man, o way of
friendship with himself.
I am sure that Man first BELIEVED in something, because he was
AFRAID of something and only then he structured as communities of tribes,
tribes and other social forms until sclavagism and of course the current
moment which we live in. As such, the main factor which lead to the
evolution of the human society was FEAR! This pushed Man admit the
estranging of oneself, the pain, the huge distance from himself which made
him feel particularly alone and more than this, an accomplice, both to the
estranging of oneself and loneliness, pain, giving him wings to the
institutionalizing of the Original Sin. By fear, Man NEEDED a God. Thus he
structured his thinking as well in a pyramid format, creating a leader. On this
format, profound fear foundation, Man understood the necessity of a leader in
the everyday life, as well, namely the forming of a community of tribes, of a
tribe, of a tribal society so that later appear as states.

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Religion appeared even though in the beginning at the level of the tribal
societies which believed in various images which represented God as if he
were gods or in the more incipient phase, sacred tree or sacred animal and
why not stone or mountain or anything lese which could be made sacred by
the human conscience. Why want or we don’t want to accept, the reality is
that by sacred tree or mountain or animal, Man made his first step towards
God. Fear is the one who gave birth to the sacred, while pleasure gave birth to
the lay. This is a great paradox of life. If you left two people who are not
speaking the same language and never heard about God and neither did they
heart about civilization, on a planet on which there is no man and there never
was, they will procreate, they will create a God of their own as time goes by, a
social structure. They will create throughout time a history, their own
civilization, multiplying themselves.
This is man’s Destiny, God and Civilization. Both God and the
Civilization are interdependent. None of them could be correlated in the
conscience of man without the other no matter what we had to say, we must
admit that God is the way towards Civilization and Civilization is the way
to God. This is human nature, the nature of the Pyramid of the soul and
our society as a whole.
Despite all these, how said it is to think that both at the base of the
Civilization and of God there is FEAR, that which in the countless
generations throughout history of mankind gave to the sacred. Everything that
is sacred comes from fear. Man’s nature needs fear more than the fish needs
water, because only he can bring him closer to God and to himself. Without
fear there would be no cars, no trains, cosmic ships or engineers, medicine, in
brief our entire civilization.
We were born in order to feed on the suffering of which to be afraid.
We were born in order to praise the sacred and hate the lay, why?
Why all these, Irene? Some theologians maintain that God gave us
suffering in order to shape us, as a sculpture which slowly slowly acquires
contour from the impersonal block of stone. I don’t agree with this
explanation, Irene, and I will tell you why. First of all, God has unimaginable
powers. Why did we have to have access to the sacred, to civilization and to
Him, through the fear of suffering? Why can’t we achieve all these through
joy, happiness, fulfillment? Is he a cynical God? You will maintain that this is
the Nature of Man and I will answer you why Man could not beneficiate from
another Nature. I know, dear Irene, that you will tell me:"It is OK, but the
Nature of Man is and thanks to the Original Sin."
I will answer you:
"The Original Sin is given by the COMPLICITY of Man to pain,
estranging of himself, complicity which is not given either by the desire of
man to suffer and to be estranged or to his wish to create at that time a
sacrifice, but all this complicity is God’s masterpiece, because only by this
complicity we can know him and feel need."
What we can never know and never find out is not necessarily why does
this complicity exist and neither why it was created but why God made us
accomplices to our own self-estrangement and not to our great rediscovery of
our selves where we become the accomplices only through God. The more we
come closer to him, the more we come closer to ourselves. Another question
which again will never find the true answer is: Why through fear, suffering
and pain, why not through joy, fulfillment, happiness? Why is the Nature of

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Man so sad? Couldn’t it be happier? As far as it can be seen, dear Irene, the
sign of the Pyramid is a sign of sadness, of the feeling of fear. All throughout
his entire life man will seek, just like his pyramidal sign, to gain access to the
top of this geometry both of the soul and of the society. For this he will
beneficiate through his own spiritual structure from a representation of an axis
of values such as richness, power or others. This axis of pyramidal values will
be the one attracting Man towards the top. Despite all these, the axis under
discussion is nothing else but the representation of his own soul at social level
during that particular historical period. These values are also the ones giving
man a meaning in life, namely, to desire to reach certain steps, as close to the
top of the pyramid. If the attaining of this purpose would be done through
happiness, joy, without any sacrifice, it means that all would attain it, the
social structure would not be pyramidal, the top would not exist, no point of
reference, life would lose its meaning. We are by our human nature
condemned to suffer.
Once a meaning did not exist, the scale of values would disappear, too,
therefore the society would disappear. The question without answer is not
why are we suffering in order to reach a certain step of the pyramid, by
sacrifice, and why did God LEAVE us as meaning the pyramidal axiological
system which has at its base the sacrifice and not another axiological system?
No matter how much we people tried to change our pyramidal axiological
system with another one, we will never achieve it, because this sign is
somewhere deeply encrypted on our souls, in our genetic codes, in us and we
will never be able to change it.
The pyramidal axiological system will die only with the death of
mankind.
Today it had been raining cats and dogs the whole day in San Antonio.
At noon I ran to the great tower of the monastery and I pulled the old bell. It is
said that when the weather is bad, if you pull the bells, because of the noise
propagated through the air, the clouds would go away. I don’t know why,
Irene, but I like to pull the old bell, to hear its massive and sober brass sound,
the moments which at their time gave birth to so much human nature in our
maternities were the walls full of sweat hear for the first time a baby cry, then
the cry of the new born baby when he is introduced to life. Well, the last cries
which the Destiny of a person is making are the cries of the bells when the
tomb diggers are throwing soil over the freshly painted coffin. I admit, Irene, I
came to the monastery because here between the cold and thick walls there is
the mysterious side, the impenetrable side of my soul, side which I hoped and
still hope to discover here one day. As long as you hope, you feel you are
alive. It is different. I got used to assimilate to hope our own life in the
absence of the certitude of he carried out thing. It’s not like you believed that
I came to the monastery because of the fear of hell and why not, of heaven?
The Nature of Man is built in such a way that regardless how good it
would be, when it is offered you in large quantity and always in the same
way, it becomes unbearable. I think the same is with heaven, too. Once you
reached heaven, after a long period, it would become hell, let’s not talk about
eternity. Then? We would pray to God to give our souls at least a bit of hell,
because we are full of heaven! Despite all these, I don’t think in such
stupidities as heaven and hell. I didn’t become a nun for this. The heaven and
the hell are in us. And no matter how strange it would seem to you, I don’t
even believe in a good or bad God, in a God who helps us on the battlefield,

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killing the adversary or a God who gives orders on the Mount Sinai. I don’t
think at all in all these. He left a faith of making people better, more clean and
not in the last more friends with themselves. Every Destiny of a person same
as the Destiny of any prophet who has a mission on earth, a purpose,
regardless how great or small is the importance of this mission, of this
purpose in respect to the others. I don’t believe and I never believed in the
idea that God wanted us to be happy here on Earth.
We are God’s unique children, each one of us in our own way we are
uniquely left by God. Even though one day they will make clones, these
clones will be according to the uniqueness left by God which does not prevent
me absolutely at all to assert that cloning is against the laws of nature, against
God. Destiny believed that Jesus Christ is the only son of God because the
mission of his Destiny on this Earth was a capital one. One day I talked with
him about this topic and do you know what he told me?"The existence of
Jesus Christ helps me, makes me not feel so estranged, alone and empty
before God. Through Jesus Christ, God becomes more human, more close to
us, mortal who are seeking him always in life hoping to find him after death.
Even though I know that we are God’s sons, too, even though I know we, too,
have a mission to carry out throughout our lives. Life without Jesus Christ
would be a life for estranged from itself. I NEEDED Jesus Christ and I
remembered that paragraph in the Bible in which God says that he gave his
unique son to die for us!
Do you think that in those moments I didn’t know that God gave us to
die, as well? I knew it, Irene, but I was accepting that paragraph in the Bible
because at that time I needed it, life was different with Him than without him.
Our entire life, regardless of our age we are children who, with searching
eyes, need stories because otherwise we estrange ourselves all the more. As
long as we will believe in stories we will be anesthetized in a smaller or
bigger extent by the trials of life. We have an atavist need to believe in
everything that seems unreal to us, in the supernatural, because only by
outdoing ourselves, dreaming, we could evolve on the scale of civilization.
What could bring us closer to God, which would give us especially
importance, by sending his only son to die for us so that our sins be washed?
The human condition, Sorin told me, needs the Original Sin, it is
found in that sin, just as a glove on the fingers of the hand. This sin
presses hard on the shoulders of the Human Condition and that is why a
savior had to be found.
What exactly could be better than God’s son? All these things, told me
one day. Therefore, Irene, we need faith exactly in order to defeat our fear. It
is good to believe that we are stronger, that the supernatural forces are helping
us, are watching over us. Everything becomes a sort of transportation of our
soul, which once substituted to our soul makes us stronger, better and why
not, more understanding. I believe I God, Irene, but in a God of worlds, found
over Ages and Spaces, over Universes and infinites, in the Great Creator of
the Entire Universe who thought the being and the worlds. The rest is for me
folklore, but a folklore necessary to the Human Condition. What would we do
without the saints? Without those examples to follow? Since man discovered
God in his way, he had to give him a human face both in proper and in
figurative, so that the"hierarchy" of the skies with saints, angels and bishops
and many others was thus born.
He created heaven and hell, determining a way to follow in life which

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fed the FEAR, by hell, but once he respected diligently the way to follow he
would immediately receive heaven as reward. The way not being anything
else but a code of moral, in brief of the manner of behavior of the person in
society, having set various orders or laws which are permitted or forbidden to
the believer. Since there is no Man in the world who never felt fear, it was
understood that everyone would choose heaven and not hell, that everyone
would follow the Way encrypted on the tables of orders coming from God.
And all these, dear Irene, you know why? For the simple reason that this is
what we are: People! We like to believe everything that we consider to give
meaning to life, even luck. The Lady Superior wakes up every morning at
three o’clock and until four o’clock she sits on her knees and ardently prays to
the Virgin Mary so that she would listen to her prayer and hive her luck in
life. Another mother prays Ave Maria daily for a hundred times in order to be
happy. One day I asked her what exactly determines her to pray so many
times and do you know what she said?
"Certainly the Virgin Mary likes me to praise her so many times per day
by my prayers, the mother said."
"What exactly are you asking for in these prayers?"
"What exactly, Mother Sara? What exactly? !" I don’t ask her for
anything. I am happy that in this way I can make a gift to the Virgin Mary.
"A gift?" I replied.
"Yes, Mother Sara, a gift. My parents died, I don’t have children, I don’t
have relatives and I feel the need to give gifts to somebody."
"Well, why don’t you give real gifts to some poor children? I asked her a
bit fearful not to be misunderstood in the sense that I asked her not to pray to
the Virgin Mary, but at the same time give gifts to poor children."
"In some way you are right, Mother Sara, I should give gifts to some
poor children", just that I feel Virgin Mary closer to my soul. I can
communicate with her. She is very happy with the gifts which I give her by
my prayers, joy which my soul feels. I feel Virgin Mary as if it were my
Family.
"And Jesus Christ", I intervene?
"Jesus Christ, too, but not like Virgin Mary", the mother
answered."Why?" I asked her again.
"Why? !" the mother told me, asking me with a look in her eyes which
wanted to lose herself in my eyes: I feel Virgin Mary close to me since
childhood…"
"How nice", I interrupted he unwillingly.
"Thank you, Mother Sara, that you consider this aspect nice, nut all I
want to tell you is that I am lesbian, that is why I am more closer to Virgin
Mary. And I am still a virgin, the mother said". Then I only realized why she
is praying a hundred times per day so ardently to Virgin Mary, why does she
want to make this gift only to somebody in her Family. For this mother,
Virgin Mary held the place of life partner, she became a substitute of that
which she needed and didn’t have, she became the lesbian Mother Mary
which the mother wanted with all her heart. Only in this case I understood
what a great importance the dreams have for us, how they can become reality.
This mother was the first lesbian who approached me in my life. Even though
I felt her warm and strange look from a woman to another woman, in the
beginning I told myself this is just a simple imagination of mine, but then
when her look became all the more perceiving, when the energy which she

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was radiating was that of a lover and not that of a mother who is talking with
another one, I started suspecting something. When she admitted she was a
lesbian, normally that I didn’t have any doubt. How strange is this life and
sometimes it is strange, dear Irene, to be a nun in a monastery, a place of
sacrifice, of holiness, and you masturbate with one of these symbols of the
sacred, of the holiness and namely the Virgin Mary, because you are a
miserable lesbian who in her civil life didn’t succeed in finding the women
which she wanted or even more than this, you didn’t achieve in finding your
Virgin, pure which you wanted to love, to make love to her kissing her. Can
this be more disgusting, more ugly, more obscene than this frame in which a
mother thinks of Virgin Mary as the Virgin whom she wanted to possess
because she was a miserable damned lesbian? More than this, she was
possessing her in her dreams, masturbating! I don’t know why, Irene, but
sometimes I feel like calling God and telling him to purge the dirt out from
our existence, to take from the Illusion of our life these aspects which are
smelling worse than garbage. On the other hand, I am invaded by another
thought which tells me that we need garbage, as well ad of cleanness and
heaven and hell, good and evil, but still this lesbian mother didn’t go too far?
In fact,"too far" and"too close" exist or are they nothing else but simple
reference points in the colored scenery of the Illusion of Life? Can I as a
human being assert that this mother went"too far" when in reality I don’t
know"far" and"close" as long as I don’t know the Basic Truth? Well, but there
are certain reference points of morals, some say. Reference points set by God
or by us, people? By the will of God, they will try to persuade me! Then by
the will of God is this lesbian mother also left regardless whether we like
what she does or not. In order to be controlled again, certainly they will tell
me that it is not the will of God, but that of Devil, because everything evil that
happens in this world is only the will of the Devil. Then, I will answer them:
Who is stronger? God or the Devil?
"God, everyone will say."
"Then why doesn’t he remove the Devil?"
"He will finally remove him."
"Why finally and not now, since always, because God does not exist
depending on times and spaces, God steps on the Ages just as we stepped on
the grass and then? The Real God fight with a poor Devil which controls our
world? No way! The Devil doesn’t exist. Both in the evil as well as in the
good in everything that exists, both the worlds and the laws in the Illusion of
our Life is owed only to God.
The Great Creator of the Universe in the thought of which the being took
birth. Therefore the Devil’s idea and the folklore on this symbol of evil are
nothing else but stories. The biggest mistake of man when he started to
discover God was that man attributed God the good and the Devil the evil.
From here eternal fight, which in fact is between bad and evil. The human
soul needs a fight, because life is a struggle, it needs a winner, a hero which
must be of course: the hood, this being the sign towards which the Illusion of
our Life tends to go. Man could not accept the evil as belonging to God
because he could not attribute to him in any case, the rank of hero, benefactor,
fighting with the forces of evil, with the FEAR. That is why there was so
much need of God, namely good as well as evil, namely the Devil.
If God received in himself both the good and the evil, then Man could
not accept him as ALLY which FIGHTS against evil, against FEARS. I think

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mankind already reached a level of civilization as to accept the truth and
namely that the Real God represents both good and evil, that one cannot exist
without the other, neither evil without good, nor the good without evil, so in
reality the Devil doesn’t exist. Another great paradox of the Human Condition
is that man didn’t need to create only God, but to the same extent to create the
Devil.
God without the Devil doesn’t have a meaning in the Nature of Man,
because the Devil namely the evil must be that where man comes from and
God, namely the good, is where Man is heading, finally coming to the
comfortable arms of the good, if he meets certain conditions, conditions with
a moral substrate which that particular society considers as necessary for the
behavior of the ones making it up, transforming them in religion, to the rank
of religion, to such an extent that the respecting of the conditions lead only to
a well living and communication of the individuals, but more than this,
transformed at the rank of religion in order to lead indubitably to a better
place in the afterlife, to a paradise more or less comfortable depending on the
religion.
I know, Irene, as well the fact that we need symbols, as much need of
God as of the Devil. The big mistake of the man was that he attributed to God
the existence of a symbol, of the good. No matter how much need we have of
symbols, God is not a symbol. He has nothing of us, people, and therefore we
cannot attribute to him any symbol of ours, symbol born of the Illusion of our
Life which we are living. Despite all these things, we owe to him this Illusion
which made us People know that we exist.
I think this is the most important thing of our lives and namely the
fact that we know we exist, even though we built an entire arsenal of ideas,
illusory about the existence which surrounds us, attributing to the entire
Universe, the spaces and the times as well as the existence, the dimensions
and the physical laws both at microcosmic level as well as macrocosmic, as
untrue as God’s existence as symbol of good only is untrue.
We are part of the Thought of the Great Creator and that’s it. This is the
only link which really connects us with God and nothing else. The rest is only
cheap folklore and stories. As long as we don’t know the Basic Truth and not
even a part of it, regardless that we used science as weapon against nonknowledge,
we come to the conclusion that the laws of science are always
changing with every new stage of the temporality which society develops to,
which was valid fifty years ago now it is false, fact which is perpetuated
which indicates the fact that the Illusion of our Life is not even weakened,
encrypted in some pattern, but on the contrary it is in continuous
transformation depending on time, on the historical becoming of the moment
which results from the fact that in a Universe in which the times and spaces
are endless, therefore inexistent, our world with the Illusion of Life which
accepts the existence only through the prism of temporality, it will never
accept the existence of the Basic Truth, because the Basic Truth through the
prism of the temporality doesn’t exist in a infinite Universe, without
beginning and without end, where that which exists IS the Thought of the
Great Creator.
The time and space become inexistent on the infinite level, because here
the measure loses any delimitation, accepting the existence without beginning
and without end, therefore infinite. Therefore any temporality and spatiality
represent in the Illusion of our Life a certain delimitation. Time is divided in

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years, days, minutes, seconds and space is delimited as content, surface in a
certain structure.
An nevertheless, Irene, I don’t think I could find myself better anywhere
else than in this monastery. Only here I can really understand the call of the
bell which I pull letting my body hang from the thick rope which the Lady
Superior wanted so many times to implement an electro-mechanical
mechanism which to pull the bell and hang the rope, but there always was a
nun who opposed it vehemently, so that other mothers just like me wanted
rope for the bell and in now way some mechanism far away from our soul.
Through the rope you feel the torment and the vibration of the bell when you
pull it completely different than if it were actuated by a mechanism.
You feel it tormented in his severe fight with time giving birth to sounds
of brass, sparks of seconds which are lifted towards the deceiving heights of
God, with wings, towards the infinite, leaving only the vibration to excel
through the rope in our deceiving times of souls who are searching always for
God in themselves until the time when the bell will ring ceremonially for
these souls, leading them to their eternal place, where the Illusion of Life
will be wiped off leaving behind only the beat of the ring and the
searching for only one real thing in our life: the search for God.
I often think of you, Irene, as I as often think of Sorin. I wouldn’t want to
tell you that I keep him here in the monastery in my soul, because maybe I
would offend you, because you told me that you feel his soul next to you. It is
good that you think so and that you are sure of the existence of his soul who is
coming to visit you from the afterlife. I know that you are struggling with
your loneliness, that you would like someone to be really beside you, that you
don’t want to live in the past. I know all these and I understand you just as
well as I understand myself. In a way we are alike, even though we are so
very different. What if you tried to be closer to Mark and Chelsea? Why don’t
you want to take courage from this standpoint? What exactly tells you to stay
so far from your son and daughter in law?
Didn’t you say in this letter which you sent me that we are nothing else
but some travelers over the Ocean of the Mirage of Life? Wouldn’t you want
to hold in your hands the rudder of the ship on which you are navigating for a
life, even though now you are navigating aimlessly and the waves of your
Destiny are so strong that they are about to overturn your ship?
Never, nothing, it is not too late.
We both know that time is nothing else but an Illusion of Life. Then?
What are you waiting for? You asked me if I think that this monastery is my
ship on the Ocean of the Mirage of Life. I am answering you affirmatively. I
think the monastery is my ship on this ocean, because only on this ocean
surrounded by old walls full of humid moss, I feel I find myself again. I don’t
think it were better had we taken birth as only the inhabitants of a harbor and
not sailors on this ocean, because we always need a purpose in life towards
which to tend. Once we reached the harbor of our dreams, we will never
search for tit again, we will not have any purpose in life anymore, canceling
our life in itself through death. Regardless how you took it, Irene, exactly for
this purpose which we want to reach there is beauty as well as ugliness in life
and we were born in order to live if we live in order to die!
I am waiting for news from you! May God bless you!
Christine
New York, Brooklyn

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The 25th of April
Dear Christine
I love the raw green of the spring, even since childhood, even though I
didn’t understand this season, ever, maybe you understand it. Do you know
why it seemed to me that spring is an eternal enigma? Because it is a season
of the rebirth and everything the is reborn becomes enigmatic because it
possess an atavist past, a past full of mystery which always makes you
wonder why, it the past of course comes back to the future with new forces
and buds on the branches yet haunted by winter in their souls?
Have you never imagined that you could be a branch, hit by the rains of
the summer, bitten until its meadow by the frost of the winter in order to come
back to life from your own past? And all these for what? In order to gibe
strength and vigor to the trees out of which you take the sap, because the
stoned alleys of the Destiny of the society in which you live must be stained
every spring with the raw green of your buds which are bringing the past back
to life in a dusted city through which lead words are still frozen by the frost of
winter which had just passed and left in the snow of the memories not yet
melted deep traces as the words of lead, heavy in a heart which is struggling
to beat the exact hour of the hopes which will soon fly away with their wings
broken, towards a new spring of a new year which will become in a short
while a snow flake which in the snow of memories will melt at the same time
with the summer of our future, recently become past, in a forgetfulness of end
of the world.
I don’t know, dear Christine, why I feel like saying all these. I tried to
open a gate towards Chelsea and what do you think came next? Nothing.
Suddenly a frosty wind came from nowhere and slammed tight the door in my
face. This frosty wind started exactly because Chelsea doesn’t like somebody
from the outside to intervene in her marriage. At the time when I was
categorized as from the outside, I withdrew as calmly as possible from their
lives. Otherwise, I never would have wanted to intervene in the intimate life
of a person and especially of a couple. When I tried to come closer to her in as
much as possible, she cast me away.
Now I really feel alone, Christine. For as long as I knew that I would not
be cast away, that anytime, there, somewhere I will have a little gate to cast
away my loneliness, I felt acceptably comfortable, even though I never tried
to go through that gate so far.
Now yes, I realize that I never had it in reality, it was a simple illusion
and that’s it in this general Illusion of life. Today I went to the nearby
supermarket. A guy tried to approach me. Even though I didn’t pay any
attention to him, I liked it in secret. This means that I am not so"expired" yet.
Ever since Jim, I don’t want at all to accept anyone intimately in my life. I
cured of it. You know that I have moments, sometimes, when I prefer the
loneliness because only in loneliness I have the freedom to dream as much as
I want, to be by Sorin’s side.
I know that what I just may seem stupid to you, but it is sure and as true
as it can be that the Freedom of loneliness becomes one day not only a habit,
but also a real drug which, the more you inhale in an increased quantity, the
more you miss it, ending up feeling like inhaling it.
In New York, these days the trees have blossomed. It is a wonder to see
them. Today after I came from shopping, I stayed in the garden behind the
house and I didn’t do anything but watch the blossomed trees. It is strange

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that I wasn’t thinking about anything during those moments. I was watching
the flowers and I has the feeling that these flowers are the only existence in an
infinite ocean of nihility. Therefore they entered my heart with their smell of
flowers of a passing spring. Then after a few hours of sitting on the bench in
the garden, I started to cry suddenly. I was crying continuously without
knowing why, like a sort of psychical release, I was crying and watching the
flowers of the trees and I wasn’t even wondering why I am crying and no
thought, like a cloud which is guiding the sky, passed through my head. I was
watching the flowers of the tress and I was crying. I don’t know for how long
I cried, but all I can tell you is that after that psychical release I felt like
becoming young again, that I take birth again. It was a feeling of euphoria
associated with the happiness of living. Now I am happy. It is spring in my
soul which I wish you, too. Receive from New York not only the spring, but
also the flowers of the trees in my garden.
Irene
San Antonio, Texas
7th of May
Dear Irene
Thank you for the letter and especially for the spring and the flowers of
the trees which you sent me all the way from New York. Here the choking
heat started again prodding you to choose the shade. This is one of the great
inconvenients for me. I always ran away from the shade, even from my
earliest childhood. I was afraid that I would see my shadow chasing me. Then
I would start running. Despite all these, the shadow would run as well by my
side and when trembling with fear I would reach home, where the shadow
disappeared. In the end I would run to my grandfather and explain to him how
evil is the shadow and how it chases me, certainly it wanted to harm me. My
grandfather would take me in his arms and was starting with me around the
courtyard. He would place me in a shiny spot after which he would hit my
shadow with a rod saying: Why are you scaring the little girl? See, Christine,
the shadow is afraid not to be beaten with the rod and that is why it will not
scare you again? It is normal that the shadow come after you.
"It is true, grandfather", I would answer him, you are not scared because
you are big and you cam beat it. Your shadow is afraid of you, while my
shadow is not afraid of me."
"Any body which stays in the light has his own shadow", says
grandfather.
"It has, grandfather, but mine is evil and it scares me."
The more scared you are of your own shadow, the more it will follow
you and it will obsess you", says grandfather.
"Obsess? What does obsess mean, grandfather?"
"Something which enters that small head of yours and then doesn’t want
to go away. Thus at a certain very early age I learnt what dies obsession mean.
Ever since I know myself a shadow of life followed me, shadow which
obsessed me and as grandfather was saying, didn’t want to go away from my
head. Do you want to know what is that shadow? That shadow who followed
me ever since childhood? I used to dream often that I was making love to a
man whose face I couldn’t see and then I saw it and we were kissing each
other passionately. Know, Irene, that I was dreaming of making love to that
man long before ever making love. I was dreaming that a great love is started
between us, that we loved each other crazily and that finally that man is my

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father. I never met my father. He wasn’t married to my mother. He lived with
her a few times then he moved in another state and lost his trace. He never
came to know that he has a daughter. And still that dream obsessed me all my
life, I would have liked to meet him in the flesh. My mother died when I was
two years old. My grandfather didn’t even know who he was nor where does
he live. My mother preferred to carry this thing to her tomb, she never told my
grandfather anything regarding my father. A year ago I got a letter with a
photo of my father young. He was a priest and he died ten years ago. The
picture was sent to me by my step sister who searched for me years after
years. I cannot wait to read your next letter.
Christine
P.S. I sprayed the letter with a few drops of holy water brought all the
way from Jerusalem, from the Holy Tomb, to bring you lock.
The Same Christine
New York, Brooklyn
22nd of May
Dear Christine
I thank you for the letter, too. I was very impressed to the point of tears
by the story with the shadow which obsesses you, haunts you. I know that
your deep desire is to have known your father. I am sure you suffered your
entire life because of this and it wasn’t easy for you. The flowers of the trees
have fallen leaving the leaves to do what they want. I wish you with all my
heart to find a rod and beat the shadow, so that it never obsesses you again. I
am waiting for your answer, write to me more because I like to read the
correspondence from you. Otherwise in my mail box there is a lot of
correspondence, I receive a lot of envelopes with all sorts of taxes which have
to be paid urgently. Thank God I pay my bill on the internet.
Love Irene
San Antonio, Texas
20th of June
Dear Irene
Yesterday Mother Veronica came to my room. She was as white as
snow. She asked me for a glass of water. I brought it to her immediately. She
first poured a few drops in her palm which she took to her fronthead, she
drank the rest of the content. I didn’t know what had happened, because
Mother Veronica is my only friend between these blessed walls. And she even
from her childhood had a hard life as she had to sell her body as prostitute
since she was twelve. From this age she was a prostitute until a year ago,
when she joined the monastery. Mother Veronica is thirty. She became a nun
exactly when she was about to becam a matron. The last matron had died a
week ago. When I asked her what exactly determined her to become a nun,
she told me as sincerely as possible: - Prostitute? I accepted, but matron was
already too much for me. All my life I had to, but now I could not see myself
holding the position of a boss. From that time on, Mother Veronica became
my friend. What I liked in her was the absolute sincerety, even infantile which
she displayed ostentatiously. One day when she told me how those in the
brothel many years ago wanted to improve themselves. They wanted that
from a dirty place whwre all the loosers and drug adictes were coming to
release themselves be transformed in a luxury brothel. In a luxury brothel they
had to have styled prostitutes. The oldest ones, for whom the change became
impossible, were fired, and the younger ones were sent to learn French as well

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as good behavior. Mother Veronica told me that after the first classes of
French, almost all"selected" prostitutes ran away, finding work in brothels of
inferior categories, but she continued and became friends with her French
teacher. She was a wonderful gril, Mother Veronica was saying, she gave me
high grades, that I started to love French. In the beginning I knew that I was
getting them thanks to small attentions which, for the loneliness of a teacher
meant a lot.
"What kind of attention?" I asked Mother Veronica.
"Some small things, Mother Sara. From time to time I gave her mobile
phone number to some client of mine, without telling him who she actually
was. In a short while, he was possessing her for fre and she was rather
spoiling our price, but the bosses never came to know about this."
"What would have happened if they came to know?"
"They would have certainly killed me."
"I understand, Mother Veronica."
"After three, four years I came to know about the death of the French
teacher in a very strange way."
"How?" I asked Mother Veronica.
"As I just told you, after three, four years I dreamt about the French
teacher one night. She was dressed in a fir with the buttons undone. She was
naked under the fir, just as her mother had given birth to her. I dreamt that she
came to me and tried to kiss me. I am telling her that I do it in all positions
with the men, but I am not lesbian. For this I have a"colleague" who is a
specialist in this field. While I was explaining to her"how good is my
colleague for this", I suddenly notice how her face was dark, all the darker,
more decayed. She was decaying alive in my dream. After a few days I was
free and I thought of paying her a visit. Said and done. I put on some sober
clothes and presented myself to the school, where shock! The teacher had died
more than two years ago! I could not believe it! I knew that I had cut my
relations with her since I finished the classes. Almost three or four years
before. The classes lasted for three months. Automatically I remembered my
dream which I had a night before. The news hit me like a lightning, because
the teacher was the only human being around me who understood me
differently than my"colleagues". I returned to the brothel with a broken heart.
I knew that on one of the pages of the French course I had written her phone
number. I wanted to see whether she had any relative who lives on that
address or whether her mother was alive or not. She had told me even since
that time a few years back that she was living together with her mother, an old
and helpless woman who had her when she was almost fifty. I don’t know
why, but my purpose was to obtain a picture of the teacher, a picture which I
would insert among the pages of my French book and any time I was sad or
desperate or upset I would admire the photo of the only soul on earth who
understood me differently than all people around me. She was always telling
me that I was a smart and profound girl, that my place was not in a brothel. I
was answering her that I had no choice, that I had no one and then more that
that, I didn’t know how to do anything else. She was encouraging me every
day that one day my Destiny would also change and everything that upset me
before would be forgotten. I was answering her that one day we both will find
a nice, rich guy who would love us. She also liked a lot when I was telling her
about the nice guy. Why not admit it, we both were dreaming with out eyes
open. In the end, back to the brothel, I searched for her phone number. As

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soon as I found it, the matron came to me and told me I had a client. I knew
that if I refused her, I could be beaten, so I did my job and after that I called
the teacher’s mother. A cold thought passed through my mind, what if the
teacher’s mother had died? Suddenly I heard the phone ringing in my ears. At
the other end of the line the voice of an old woman said: Hello! I don’t know
why, but on that moment I felt a wave of emotion associated with a kind of
primordial joy, older than the world which was flooding my heart. I didn;’t
know how to begin. I hesitated for a few seconds, while the voice came back
again: Hello!" Then I said:
"I am a friend of the French teacher."
"My daughter died more than two years back", the voice said.
"She dies?" I told her as if I didn’t already know.
"Yes, she died", her mother said with a visible wave of pain in her voice.
"Can you tell me why?" I asked
"Breast cancer."
"It is a severe disease", I replied, without being able to add more.
"It is severe", her mother answered.
"I would like something, if possible."
"What do you want?" the old lady asked
"A photo of the French teacher, if you have one."
"I have enough photos in her album, just that after she died many of her
students came and asked for a photo. And I am very sorry that they made her
album INCOMPLETE."
"I understand, I told her, after which without realizing, I hung up the
phone in the sharp and hysterical shouts of the matron who was repeating that
she had been shouting at me for a long time, because a client was waiting for
me. I felt like crying, but I tried to control myself in as much as possible.
What was even more painful was the fact that a mother could not accept in
any way the death of her daughter because of the fact that she did not accept
the idea that her photo album become incomplete. She could not accept the
idea that her daughter would never need that album and nothing else, since
she had no more children. The mother was in pain that her daughter’s album
was becoming incomplete. The client was savagely possessing me and I felt
like crying thinking about a mother who could not accept her daughter’s death
even though it had occurred at least two years before. An old and helpless
mother. I could hardly control myself not to burst out in tears. Suddenly I was
invaded with a thought that I would have liked to have a mother to cry for me,
to have someone miss me. Suddenly I could no longer control myself and
started crying. Seeing my tears, the client who was possessing me said: - I am
that good, am I not? I conformed myself, giving him the impression that I cry
of pleasure. What else could I do, Mother Sara? If they found out that I am
crying out of pain, the matron would have beated me until I passed out. In this
profession you are not allowed to cry, but only to display joy. It means that
the Destiny of a prostitute was one of the"happiest" in history once she
needed to cry only out of joy and that’s it. Too much joy would have lead to
the real reflection of the human suffering. All these Mother Veronica told me
with an indifferent tone in her voice, that she started crying. The tears were
flowing down her still young chicks. They were tears which could flow at will
without the need of lying.
I think nothing is more painful in this world than when the tears
have to lie regardless whether they are tears of joy or of sadness, they

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must be acknowledged as such, they must be given the right of their own
legitimacy, thus we will discover the astronomical distance which
separates us from ourselves. Give the tears the right to be tears and to the
cry that of being cried, regardless of the pain, of the dismay, of the great
suffering or otherwise, if they are caused by a great joy or happiness. The
biggest mistake which we could make on this Earth is to lie to ourselves,
estranging us more from our own person, when we will attribute
happiness to the tears of suffering and pain, dismay, to the tears of joy.
This is according to my opinion the apple from which Eve took a bite in
the garden of the heaven, the moment when we mistook the type of the
tears.
If this moment in which the type of tears was mistaken did not exist, the
mankind would have been totally different in respect to the one we now
know, no wars would have taken place, no crimes or tortures or many other
things. It doesn’t matter in my opinion who took the bite from the apple, Eve
or Adam, what I can assert certainly is that both of them were together at that
time and both of them were sharing in that moment, crucial for the Destiny of
mankind, because at that time the Way was decided and the dice of fate fell
with their faces towards suffering and sadness of life under this sun. The Way
was the snake which at that time because of the Illusion of life which
recognizes the moment and the beginning as well as the end biting the man
and poisoning him with that primary, lowest and inhumane of his instincts,
snake poison which imprinted throughout time strongly and deeply in the
genetic code of the human body, until his soul code more deeper and more
profound in history than the genetic one and namely the INSTINCT OF
POSSESSION.
From that time on, man left the harden of the heaven with the apple
which was mistaking the type of tears, but he was happy, miserable happiness,
that he became master at least of the apple just as God, without realizing that
he, the famous man, was not God, that he was the feeble man living an
Illusion of his own life so passing that he would never Possess anything for
true. Everything is vanity under this warm and hospitable sun. Maybe night
didn’t fall that day that Adam and Eve finished eating the apple. Maybe night
didn’t fall that day that they both were hungry. They were no longer in
Heaven at that time, but they were on Earth, dying of hunger and pain as any
human. Then, when the apple was no longer there because it had been eaten,
they cried for the first time under the sun:"-We want the real tears back, we
will never mistake the type of the tears ever, now God we want to give you
your apple back!" At that time nobody heard them. Even God had removed
his face from them, hitting them with their own Way of suffering and this
curled around the times choking them always with the Instinct of Possession,
that Eve tried to possess Adam. Then their first argument was born, moment
in which they became aware of themselves; moment in which each one
thought that they wanted more than there is under the sun, moment when they
became slaves of the Illusion of Life. Of course, dear Irene, I don’t believe in
the stories such as Adam and Eve one, but from the standpoint of the symbols,
yes! After all, in this couple there reside both the symbol of malehood through
Adam as well as that of womanhood through Eve. Even though these two
symbols coexist in a couple, they are contrary and their own coexistence gives
birth to the fight for supremacy, fed by the Instinct of Possession and namely
the one which brought man down from heaven in order to make him aware of

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himself and why not, of the existence of the hell in which he is.
As long as man was in Heaven, he was not aware of himself, he
didn’t have the possibility of discerning between good and evil, because in
heaven all was good and if they became aware of the good, certainly the
evil would have become for them immediately the worst hell. Therefore,
the first step of man towards the inferno was when he acquired the selfawareness.
From this time on, he longed for the apple in which the type
of tears was mistaken, becoming possessing.
From here the entire dark side of the human conscience started, from the
simple verb to posses. This verb transformed man so much that it not only
threw him from heaven to hell, but more than this imprinted on him its genetic
structure as well as in that of his soul the quality of predator, getting born at
the same time with history: HOMO PREDATOR. It is easy to understand why
the human society acquires the aspect of a jungle where the beasts with the
human self awareness are physically tearing one another apart in certain
places as well as psychically in the majority of cases. The idea of reaching the
top of the pyramid, otherwise the pyramid being the sign of man absorbs him
so much that for a simple step climbed on the social hierarchy he is
sometimes capable of selling himself, his won enemy which took him down
from heaven is the basic Instinct of Possession. Therefore the lofty Homo
Predator is in reality a simple merchandise on the dirty booth of the Illusion of
Life. We must necessarily admit that even the Illusion of Life appeared in the
aspirations and will, in the knowledge and love of man at the same time with
the self-awareness. Then man KNEW for the first time that there is a moment
which coincides with the"coming down" from heaven and with the apple
which mistook the types of the tears. Even though man has the self awareness
that he exists, it is an Illusion as big as the Illusion of Heaven. Even though
man is spatially found on earth, as long as he knew he was in Heaven, he was
living the Illusion of Heaven as through his self awareness, but becoming
aware of KNOWING that coming down to earth exists by reversing the type
of tears and becoming possessive.
What is even more painful is that man KNOWS THAT HE EXISTS, he
lives an Illusion same as that of Heaven, but different by its expression: the
Illusion of Life. Certainly one time even the Illusion of Life will be
transformed in another Illusion, just as the Illusion of Heaven was
transformed once. What Illusion will that be? What kind of sense will be
given men in order to KNOW that he IS? God is great and real. You never
know whether those senses will have times and spaces. Certainly the Illusion
of Heaven will not have times nor spaces, why? because the life in Heaven
will never end, it is eternal, fact which to a greater or smaller extent fed the
myth of the eternal youth, another form of Illusion of Heaven"forgotten" by
God in the Illusion of Life or better said in the Illusion of the Hell in which
we live. Even though we claim that we are aware of the world which
surrounds us, we are not doing anything more than the crazy person by the
side of the road who in the beginning of the third millennia believes he is one
of the Emperors of Rome.
What are we in REALITY and what is really the world which surrounds,
whether it IS or not, only God and the Through of the Great Creator can
know. Do you know by what are we different as society, as mankind in
comparison to the crazy person who believes he is the Emperor of Rome? By
the fact that in comparison with the crowd, mass, society, only HE believes

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that he is the Emperor of Rome while if we all believed that we are emperors
of Rome and he would assert that he is a man of our days, we believed him as
crazy. Certainly it is us, the crowd, who would be healthy.
One day Mother Veronica asked me whether indeed I believe in the
afterlife. I answered that not in the afterlife I believe but in the afterworld. She
remained bewildered for a few seconds then she asked me whether the
afterlife is not the afterworld. I denied it. I don’t believe in the afterlife,
because it does not exist, but the afterworld exists despite the fact that it does
not belong to any of the existential forms. That"exists" is said more as a figure
of speech than as reality. Why? Simple!
By existence we understand an entity which gives being depending
on a certain time and a certain space. We cannot conceive the existence
without time and space even though we accept eternity, we represent it as
having an interminable measure of time. Inside the eternity we see time
only which flows infinitely what is false because in eternity no time flows
infinitely but simply it doesn’t exist because it has no point of reference of
any beginning or end depending on which to flow. It is a great paradox of
the Illusion of Life the fact that we are programmed to understand the
world which surrounds us only depending on time and space and to these
we attribute the measure depending on certain point of reference which
always must belong to a beginning and an end, so that we could analyze
the geometry of the form in the case of the space as well as the
transformation in the case of time.
We are programmed not to accept the transformation unless
depending on time and space, depending on the points of reference of the
beginning and the end. If these points of reference disappeared, since
they don’t exist in reality, then, to whom does the transformation belong?
In no way to the space and time, but to the illusion.
Therefore the Illusion of Life gives the existence the space and the
time when the Illusion of Death or the After World certainly will give us
the space and the time of the transformation and of course, the concept of
existence which exists in this world, because the idea of spatiality and
temporality disappears at the same time with the losing of the senses as
well as of the program, namely the genetic code for the somatic side ad
well as the self awareness for the psychological side, the programmed
conscience even from birth to accept this world through the prism of the
space-temporality.
Well, in the After World this prism doesn’t exist, we, from this
World of the Inferno in which we are, we can attribute the EXISTENCE
to the After World for the simple fact that it doesn’t submit to our
spatial-temporal laws. Thus we are subject to consider it a non-existential
World. We cannot give even to the World of Heaven the attribute of
existential World, because it is not subject to the same spatial-temporal
laws. It is only known that in the World of Heaven there is not death, nor
suffering, that everything is fine there. There is no death there, but only
eternal life, there is no death.
The one which is not born will never die, it does not belong to the
temporality and implicitly to the spatiality, therefore it doesn’t exist.
The World of Heaven is an existential world for us. Just as there is
no past, present and future, same we cannot talk about the World of
Heaven where the souls of those form Earth condemned to the self

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awareness of the birth and death come from, those condemned to the
spatial-temporality. From the World of Heaven we came to the World of
the Inferno of here, in order to go to the After World.
The only fact which comes close to the true reality is the we KNOW
that in the After World only our soul goes, not the body, which is
destroyed, the body has a full life which pushed us to a true religion of
the form, of the conciseness by feelings, desires, aspirations, but
especially through sexuality.
In this Illusion of Life we have the certainty that the body is
destroyed after death, it decays. Is this really true? Is it really true that
we have this time? No! No! No! As long as we don’t know the Basic Truth
and not even a small part of it. As long as the World is illusory and we
are born cursed in order to be born, and we die cursed in order to die in
the ocean of lie of the spatial-temporality, do we really know who we are?
Maybe the most true thing which can happen to us in life is that we
can never see our soul, that our soul does not allow himself to be corseted
by the spatial-temporality and it doesn’t accept to receive any spatial
form or any temporal birth or death. The soul of every man or animal
and plant, in brief everything that has breath in this World of the Inferno
which is the planet earth is older than the Ages.
Therefore, We in reality don’t have any body to decay nor trees
which to bring shade under the thick leaves in the hot summers, no
moon, no stars, no prostitutes, no churches, no geniuses. Then who are
we in fact and what exactly belongs to us? Why do we exist in this World
of the Inferno? Who sent us here? These are disturbing questions indeed
in this World of the Inferno under the sign of the Pyramid.
I know that it is very difficult to accept such a position, but this is the
truth. I remember now those idiotic movies in which some degenerated priests
were trying to prove the existence of God by various images with cascades,
mountains, animals, images which were pleasing to the eyes indeed. Well,
these priests strongly maintained not only the fact that God made all these
beauties, but they also asserted the fact that God made them in order to prove
to us MORTALS, in brief to those who were cursed to be born so that we die,
therefore to prove his infinite goodness, and everything that we see and that
surrounds us is nothing else but a truth of the existence of God.
The Illusion which we have about the environment is a truth about the
existence of God. Nothing more false. The illusion remains illusion even
though it comes from God. Every world has a meaning of its own, just as
every soul has a meaning of its own, but the real truth about this meaning is
known only by the one who knows the Basic Truth: God. No matter how
intelligent and how much knowledge we assimilated, we will never be able to
understand the true meaning because it is not subject to anything and it cannot
be explained by all the knowledge in the world. Just as the soul and more than
this, this meaning steps on the Ages, which means that it is as unborn and as
immortal as anything that steps on the Ages. It not only belongs to the spaces
and times, but it belongs to a form of understanding of some World, be it
without time and space or having other coordinates which we could never
imagine, coordinates which to substitute the spatial-temporality in the
conscience of those entities of that particular world.
I understand that it is almost impossible to us to understand the existence
of a conscience in the understanding of which the main standards of the

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measure I our world, caused by the spatial-temporality are missing. Still they
exist. There is understanding even without these standards, why not,
intelligence, which to be subject to other standards which we cannot even
imagine since they are all external to our fence, to our capacities of
understanding. I know that this acceptation is disturbing and despite all this, I
can assert very clearly that there is no thinking without space and times,
which is not exercised through their prism and is not used for a certain
measure. If the space and time disappear, does the measure disappear, as
well? It depends! There may be Worlds without spatial-temporality with
measure and Worlds without spatial-temporality without measure. In the first
ones the measure becomes correlated by other factors, different from the
spatial-temporality, where the standards are totally different without space
and time, realizing the measure, and worlds in which for thinking there isn’t
really necessary to have a certain standard, the measure not being necessary.
Then what is the structural difference between these Worlds except the
existence and non-existence of the measure. Despite the fact that these Worlds
are also illusions just as our World, how can we accept a thinking without
measure? The fact that the standard of spatial-temporality is replaced with
other standards, it is understood, but in the other worlds where there is no
standard, where the measure is completely absent, how can the process of
thinking be produced?
That creative activity of the conscience which reflects the illusory
environment around us talking to is depending on a certain logical
legitimacy? Logical programmed legitimacy in our secret codes older
than time?
Then? The entire legitimacy of our World is based on measure and on its
standard, standard which of course depends on certain points of reference
which in turn give the measure. How can a World exist without points of
reference, without any standard and more than this it is reflected inside a
conscience determining the process of thinking? It is possible! In these
Worlds the dialogue of thinking is not carried our with the spatial exterior
which doesn’t exist and nor with the spatial interior which does not exist. No
matter what we did, both the term of exterior as well as the interior one is
reflected in the spatiality in the sense that the first term indicates"except
something" and the second one"something". Then the"Process of thinking in
the Worlds without standard and measure is carried out through the concept
of the self-being of the own logos taken in itself as logic legitimacy. In this
case no measure is necessary, no points of reference of the standard, because
the thinking caves in its own values, values which probably once stepped on
the Ages, when they wanted to exist for them. Within the worlds with
measure and standard, even though these too have stepped on the Ages, even
though they are not tributary to the space and time, the process of thinking is
carried out by the concept if self being of the own logos taken in itself as logic
legitimacy just that the logic legitimacy accept the measure and the
standard as belonging to the illusory domains of space and time.
Thus the Worlds are divided in two categories and namely Worlds with
measure and Worlds without measure. As is well known that this World is a
World with measure and it is tributary firstly to the time and space. The
measures of other Worlds have nothing to do with the time and space, but
with representations of their Illusion, totally different. I cannot assert clearly
and precisely what are these representations of the Illusions which replace the

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space and time, because as I said before, we are programmed to think only
depending on the aspects of space and time, more than this we are not allowed
to know precisely, but we can make philosophy, the only gate open towards
the Basic Truth which is trying to send a ray of hope through the bars of our
world. The World of Heaven also was a world with measure, because in this
World of Measure there were certain standards, just as happiness, beauty as
well as other standards. Despite all these, it was not a spatial-temporal World,
because, as we have just said in this World death did not exist, therefore birth
did not exist either, everything was eternal, there was no time and therefore no
space.
Everything that exists must be born and die, including the space.
When I talk about other Worlds, it is worth remarking once more the fact
that I use words such as"exists","measure" or"standard" or"it doesn’t exist in
this world" this doesn’t mean that that term EXISTS or the attributes of
EXISTENCE, namely something which would be subject to the laws of
measure and spatial-temporality standards. No, it has no connection with all
these. In reality it cannot be about am existence in the sense of our laws about
the existence, just that we didn’t have a choice since the human language is
subject to the legalities of the logic of this world in which we live, which
makes it submit both to the times an to the spaces which govern it. Thus, the
language has no choice but submit itself to these legalities.
No matter how much we will try to explain the non-existence through the
Language of this world, it will be almost impossible to us and if we will try,
this will be able to be done by using the existence and especially the spatialtemporal
one. I know that it is very difficult to understand that something
doesn’t exist, to express it by"there is a non-existence", that in this nonexistence
there is not at least"something’. We are programmed to understand
that everything that exists depends on"SOMETHING". It is not at all true.
All the other Worlds don’t even have that SOMETHING, because they
don’t have spatial-temporality. The World of the Heaven is with measure
from the standpoint of the beauty, happiness, pleasure standards and without
measure from the standpoint of the spatial-temporality. The fact that it is a
World of the standards, the World of Heaven taken in general is a World with
measure. Another correlated aspect which takes us closer to the understanding
of our World is the accepting of the infinite by the Illusion of Life, means of
SOMETHING without end and without beginning.
We people can use the element of infinite, of limitless, of not contained,
even though we cannot touch it with our mind because we cannot contain it.
The paradox Illusion of Heaven consists in the fact that this term and
namely the infinite is not revealed by the spatial-temporality. When we
pronounce the word infinite we are correlating it immediately with the spatialtemporality,
meaning exactly to the bars through which the Illusion of our
Life stops us from thinking the REALITY of the Universe. Also, because of
the Illusion of Life, when we perceive with the eyes of our mind the Universe
of our World, we realize that this in infinite. Therefore, the ray of sun crosses
the bars which are holding is prisoners behind them, in order to reach the sun
which sent us the ray and namely in order for us to understand the infinite.
Our representation of the infinite is that SOMETHING which continues
endlessly! Therefore in brief SOMETHING which comes from the endless
and it continues endlessly, something without beginning and without end,
without birth and without death, in brief without measure, without spaces and

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times: the Reality. In physical and mathematical terms, in a symbolic manner
we can attribute to the spaces and times the symbol of infinity, but only in a
symbolic manner, because an infinite space is an inexistent space and just the
same an infinite time is an inexistent time. In order for these two to exist,
namely the space and the time, they need a measure of their own and
everything that has a measure must be defined at least by a point of reference
if not by two, means, in this case the birth and the death. Depending on these
points of reference, the spatial-temporality exists only through the measure.
The Infinity has no measure. In a word, by looking deep into ourselves to
the times and spaces of the Universes, without beginning and without end, we
come to notice that they don’t even exist in reality as they are infinite. Many
will remind of the Big Bang theory?
We will see that there always the BEFORE exists, means the infinity,
without birth and death. If we really want to know the immensity of the
bigness and smallness of the real Universe, we will have to start by knowing
the Illusion of Heaven better, or to become US again, friends with
OURSELVES and not strangers to OURSELVES, who are always enemies
for a fist of existence of sadness, suffering and pain on the Way of Life,
means on the Wings of our Destiny.
What we know is that at the same time with death, the Illusion of Life
will disappear, leaving behind a page of Destiny. At the same time with the
death and disappearance of the Illusion of Life the immensity of the smallness
and bigness of our Universe and the stars and the galaxies and supernovas
which we see today, which exploded billions of years ago, which are
transmitting to us images of billions of years ago, which by their light stepped
on spaces and times will also disappear telling us to think closer about the
Illusion of Life and not to take for granted and for true any morganatic image
in the monotonous everyday life. Man will climb a new step of the reality
when he will rediscover himself, when he will understand that the Illusion of
Life is not only our enemy, but it can become a trusted ally, so that we tried
this rediscovery with the instruments which this Illusion of Life holds, which
of course are the space and the time.
As we said before, no matter how much we wanted to understand the
reality without space and time, in brief without that SOMETHING it is totally
impossible. WE were programmed with certain senses. With a certain degree
of intelligibility, with a certain manner of discerning the measure and namely
always and without failure, only through the prism of the spatial-temporality.
Exactly by the help of these instruments we will have to build an edifice
based on which to understand or better said to try to come closer to the Basic
Truth, understanding the Illusion of Life, understanding OURSELVES firstly.
First of all we will have to lift our eyes to the sky, to the starry sky in a
night of our existence where we will be able to look the history older than the
Age of the earth, history which is written by the steps of those who stepped
even on the Ages coming to our present, because the starry sky is also the
history of our present because of the light which announces to us that the time
of the rediscovery will start soon. Why of rediscovery? Did you discover
ourselves before? Certainly yes! Before the Ages, before our soul was
confined by space and time we were discovered, but by birth we were lost and
we had to rediscover ourselves again.
If we look deeper in our being, we will see that we are not at all the ones
whom we pretend to be, that somewhere in those disturbed depths with

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questions about the origins of the being we will find out the infinite,
regardless whether the big one or the small one, it is still infinite, slowly we
will realize that our being with its degree if intelligibility with everything,
it is nothing else but a simple point of reference to the ORIGINS OF THE
BIG SMALL INFINITES.
We will see that the big infinite starts from us towards the exterior
and the small one from us towards the interior and never without us. By
looking at the infinite we will come to the molecules and atoms which are
making it up, the elementary particles, to the quarks and other all the
smaller fractions towards the infinite. By looking at the infinite we will
come from the size of a continent to that of an entire planet of the solar
system, the galaxies, the metagalaxies and then the endlessness of the
Universe, but all these are starting from the standpoint which is given by
us, because We are those giving life to this Universe and maintaining
alive the Illusion of Life. Once we died, our entire Universe is dying with
us. We must not forget that both representations of the small big infinites
we are making only and only through the prism of the Illusion of Life
which is imposing the spatial-temporality on us.
If the supernova could bring, hunch backed by the weight of billions and
billions of years the history in our present by dethroning time, I wonder
whether the space which we see and fell is not as dethroned? Why are the
planets spherical, by example. Of course, in general because in reality the
planets are not a perfect sphere but they are flat at both poles. The scientists
will immediately try to smile and say that in fact this is a very simple
question, that the form of the planets is actually given by the gravity. Then
why does gravity take the round shape? Why not another shape? Because it is
a law of physics which is acting on the bodies in a certain way. Perfect, real,
but we could also wonder why is space like this and not in some other way?
Why through the prism of the Illusion of Life the gravity must act so that the
planets have a round form? Why not in another way? Why are we at the
origins of the infinites and not in another point of reference? Well, some will
say, that we can choose any point of reference. Yes, it is true, we can choose
it only that that point of reference is assessed through US, it cannot be selfassessed.
It is enough to look at the starry sky in the night and look at the
supernova which stepped on the Ages coming with the history in our present
and understand that we are immortal, that the space and time don’t exist in
reality, that they are just a better or worse inspiration of the Illusion of Life,
that WE are ETERNAL, we were not born and we will never die, we will step
on death by holding hands with the supernova which stepped on the AGES in
order to enter the After World, just as the Living ones, as the starry sky is
witness of the suffering in the World of our Inferno.
Love Christine
*
I think I have more than thirty letters from Christine. Where is the last one? Here it
is!
San Antonio, Texas
2nd of September
Dear Irene
Sometimes I feel like going crazy here, locked up in this monastery. But
only here I saw the charmed rod which scared my shadow. Therefore, only
surrounded by the coldness of the stone in the walls, I can find myself again,

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do you know why? Because only here in the monastery I can cry inside my
soul every morning after I finish my prayer, cry with all my strength: ELOI,
ELOI, LAMA SABACTANI!!! which means, My God, My God why have
you left me?""All these things you will find them in: Marcus, chapter fifteen
verse thirty four of the Bible!
Christine

Chapter 4
Suddenly I heard the echo of a voice coming from nowhere and heading to
nowhere. It was like the Thunder that goes to the quick beating heart of the Earth on the
twelfth hour of the Apocalypse:"Ask the ocean why it does not count the waves and the
stars why they lose their light and die. Ask the wind why it cannot be caught in a sieve
and why the sky is above. Why life is not death and death is not life. The sky, the stars
and the ocean, the thunder, life and death will never answer. You have to learn how to
live for that, and more than that, you have to learn how to die! Nothing is everlasting in
time and nothing is endless in space, because life is not death and the Illusion of Life is
nowhere else to be discovered but in death. Now you can realize why you needed the
Illusion of Life, so you can get ready for death in the absurd of existence."
"Who are you, Voice coming from nowhere?" I, Anthony Mc Cullough asked, if
this is really me, Anthony Mc Coullough.
"I am the one who comes and goes to nowhere, your alter-ego, Sorin's and the alter
ego of all those who are doomed to Paradise."
"What do you want from me?"
"To make you understand you are no longer Anthony Mc Coulough, that Paradise
is your punishment. Accept it like you used to accept a priest position, just as much as
you wished to accept it inyour earthly life!"
"Try as I might, Voice thundering to help me, I don't think I will make it. I feel I
have an identity and it is impossible for me to get rid of it. I feel like trodden dust."
"Dust is holy, it gives life in the earthly hell. You could never animate dust," said
the Voice.
"I could never! Please, Voice, help me to get to hell!"
"First you have to stay in Paradise. You longed for it all your life. For this paradise
you lied to yourself, confessing your mistakes before God, for this paradise and on its
behalf you made many mistakes: you took money from people because you were such a
door to Paradise. You were only a door of lie, despair and despondency. Accept the
Paradise as such, because the Paradise is the only mirror where your soul longing for
paradise can reflect, it is an empty wandering soul beyond any existential level. I am
your mirror, look at me! Look at yourself, actually, in the mirror inside of me! Any bad
thought is here in this ugliness and still you are in Paradise, marring it with your inner
beauty! I also take pleasure in feeling your cowardice, lie and desire to escape from
Paradise! Even this desire to escape from Paradise is a bad thought! Maybe the worst fo
all. God is near you and running away from Him you only want to go on with your bad

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deeds you would do on Earth! You as a priest should lure other souls to Paradise, to
God. But with great sincerity and not in order to escape from the hell in Paradise. You
must do everything out of love for God! Fight with yourself, feel God, love God
because here He is closer to you than ever. Leave your sinful blindness aside, take light
from the Godlike Light, receive it in your clean soul! In order to do that, take off your
thick sinner coat and throw it into the chasm of regrets and sorrow, because only thus
you can sip from the real cup of happiness in Paradise!"
"But I have already taken blindness off, Voice, I am with God! Exclusively and
entirely on God's side, and I don't expect any reward! I am not lying, I want to tell the
truth and nothing but the truth!
Then I saw a light which was not actually light, and more than that I saw it without
my eyes from the earthly life. And the light was coming to me, covering me in its rays
which were not actually rays, just like the light was not actually light, it was celestial
music, it was love, happiness, beauty and understanding, like I had never seen before
and I had never believed it existed over the existences and non-existences of everything.
I felt that not with five or ten or fifty, but with an infinite number of senses.
Suddenly the Light retreated and left me realizing the blindness I was in!
Then I started to shout as loud as I could with my thoughts:
"Please, God, don't leave me, Please! Please!" But the light disappeared.
I had been so happy seeing the light that was only one of God's sides and I was just
as sad and unfortunate now, when it had disappeared. Possible that was the moment I
felt the greatest despair in my hell in Paradise. I felt like running after God but there
was no place where I could have run, I wanted to take Him in my arms and never let go
of Him, but it was like trying to catch nothing in your fist and light in a basket from a
dark cave.
When my despair was at its utmost, I heard the Voice again:
"You will never tell the truth and nothing but the truth as long as you claim you
don't lie. Only a few moments have passed since I was near you and meanwhile you
said you were entirely on God's side, which was a lie. Besides, you tried to do that for
your reward, like you did on Earth! Maybe that is why God showed you one side of
His, and then decided to send you back to earth. Actually you were given another
chance to get ready for the After Life. Admit the truth looking at your thoughts, into the
mirror inside me. God decided that the chance to save you through the punishment in
Paradise is not good for you, because it was for the first time you regretted deeply the
fact you are not closer to God, immediately after God had disappeared from your
feeling. You repented bitterly! Once you arrived on Earth, try to take advantage of the
chance you are given, go on with your life as closer to God as possible, and when God
decides your time has come, He will take you to the place that is yours by right."
The thunder of the Voice disappeared; I remained in from of the Acropolis in
Paradise, in front of the white marble which I don't think is actually marble, but more of
a dream about immaculate stone, the memory of our earthly sins. I felt a diffuse light, a
kind of polar night, with an Aurora over my Dreams and Thoughts.
"Are you still here, Sorin?" I thought.
"Yes, I am here," the voice of the soul of Sorin answered. I felt a sigh and then the
voice of Sorin went on:
"I want you, Anthony, to go to my ex-wife, Christine, who became Sister Sarah, a
nun at the Catholic Abby in San Antonio, Texas. Tell her to pray for my soul, but don't
forget to tell her that her will to go in the land of death is not good, no matter how much
she wants to come to me. She should try first to understand God because understanding
God means first of all understanding yourself. She should know that nothing can
happen without God's will, and good and fulfillment come from God, too. Any attempt

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of riot and trying to believe you are your own God only exiles you from your own
capacity to think, which comes also from God. How can you understand you are in the
middle of Paradise but in your blindness you never understand it, creating your own
hell! How can you deny God's power, which can give Paradise within the worst of
hells? Be against God and thus you will renegate yourself. It is true that God is different
for each and every one of us, and that we create and mould God by the way we act on
Earth. But wihtout God it's like living without thinking, value, good and evil. That is
why the most ardent atheists are by God's side as long as they live! There is no life
without good and evil, beauty and ugliness, hierarchy of values and thinking. God is
feeling! Atheists never renegate their own God, which can be a wish or a cause or
anything else that gives meaning to their life. Feeling is God, whether the atheists admit
Him or not. Those who have a recognized God can be worse sinners than the atheists,
whose God can be Nature or thermo-nuclear fusions, or science in its utmost expression
sometimes. Science and experiments can be a dialogue between atheists and God.
Atheists are some of the most religious beings, even if they do not call God by this
name. They do the things they believe in with great sincerity, without hoping, like
opportunists do, to declare God as the Lord of all seen and unseen things."
Atheists also believe in the"seen and unseen things," but they do not agree
with"blessed are those poor in spirit", and maybe not even some religious people agree
with this. Only here, in the paradise of our own hell, can we understand why the"poor in
spirit" are so blessed, rich and special"in spirit". Why? Because life is so indebted to the
Illusion of Life, that each soul lives, from birth to death, scratching existence with his
deeds, good or bad, small or great, that he will leave by the time when the Basic Truth
does not even exist any more! Because the Universe is infinite and the infinite time
does not exist because there is no measure for it. Only what is born to die or dies to be
born can be measured! Birth and death are just landmarks! God's infinite Universe only
has the landmarks of our Illusion of Life on Earth!
"Do you think the Voice will be back, Sorin?"
"Definitely!"
"Quickly?"
"I don't know, it depends on you," said Sorin,"it depends on every bad thought or
mistake of yours. I will come again and again in your earless hearing until the most
horrible despair you lived on Earth will be only a child's game compared to the despair
you get from the Voice, our guardian in heaven. I am here because I killed myself in the
earthly life, I gave no meaning to life because I was aware of the big Illusion I was
living, namely the Illusion of Life! That is why I killed myself, like a coward or like a
brave hero who fought the Illusion of Life, the lie of this Illusion of Life. You are not
allowed to have bad thoughts here, but only sincere regrets for your actions on Earth.
You are allowed to take joy in knowing God is so near and to hope that one day you
will see Him and the entire Paradise, in their splendor, like all the angels who sing in
the celestial chorus. That is happiness! Nothing is more painful than being blind in
Paradise, knowing you are inside it but you cannot see it, feel it, understand it and more
than that, knowing that you cannot receive the other senses and knowledge you had in
the blindness of your earthly life, shadowed by the Illusion of Life!"
"What do you think, Sorin, is it important to long so much for Paradise, that we
should accept the polishing we think we need? Is it better to receive our sight to feel
Paradise in its spendor, instead of being clairvoyants in hell? Where will we feel the
real happiness, in Paradise or in Hell? Honestly, Sorin, there is no bigger happiness than
seeing one of God's side, but there is no greater sufferance than knowing what such a
side looks like and not being able to see it. Hell is the great salvation if you can see one
of these sides and than lose this privilege, but if you have the right to see this side

83
without being afraid that you will never lose the said right, then paradise is the great
salvation, definitely!"
"That's right, Tom, don't you ever think that will ever escape from Paradise,
because each Spiritual Level has its Paradise and Hell. Please, Voice, do not torment
me this way. I know I was wrong, that I am not allowed to talk but to the loneliness
inside of me! Oh, I cannot take any more the torments I am going through or to stay in
this timeless eternity! Despair and lack of hope, pain and unhappiness, everything is in
vain and meaningless! Help!"
"What's going on, Sorin?" I shouted, knowing that Sorin is tormented by the Voice,
but I did not realize how." Tell me anything, Sorin, just tell me, don't leave with teh dire
loneliness and despair that covers my soul in this Paradise. Please, Sorin, don't leave
me...
"The Voice's thunder is tormenting me, shouting in my ear, I cannot take this any
more."
" Please, Voice guarding Sorin, let him tell me a little bit what made him commit
suicide?"
"Please, leave me alone, Voice! I heard Sorin, begging his own guardian. Let me
tell Anthony Mc Coulough what I did wrong. Let me tell him that my greatest mistake
was that I did not or could not understand the eternity of a moment. This is the entire
philosophy of life, knowing that the moment is longer than life and years. It is essential
to understand and feel the eternity of a moment, maybe the only truth of the entire
illusion of life which we are given to live on Earth!" shouted Sorin.
Suddenly, a loud thunder was followed by a hysterical woman's voice, saying:
"Too well, I will let Sorin tell you the reason for his suicide, to live again and again
in death his cowardice and stupidity and above all the crazy courage to face God,
throwing life away. Have mercy, God, of this vagrant of destiny called Sorin Cerin.
Speak, Sorin, speak! the Voice thundered. What is stranger is the fact that each thunder
of the Voice is not even one whisper, everything is transmitted mentally."
Then Sorin told me about his life, about he had spent more than 10 years hoping
that his wife, Irene, suffering from schizophrenia, would finally recover. He told me
about his experience with the Lama from Tibet, who taught him how to hypnotize Irene
in order to arrive to the place where voices came from, the spirits from other world who
would feed on the spiritual energy of the people on Earth, turning them into lunatics.
Then there came the destiny which finally spoke the last word, because Irene did not
recover then, but in three years, and during this interval Sorin had already married
Christine, whom he loved just as much, if not more than he had loved Irene. He had
tried to forget the first wife building up a new life for himself.
When Irene recovered, she realized that life has no meaning for him, because when
Irene asked him"is this still you?" Sorin knew that he was and yet he was not the same
any more. This state of confusion made him commit suicide. He could not know if his
life was a serious confusion. Besides, he could not accept that. In the same way, Sorin's
Words wandered away from me, sneaking out, trying to fool me into the fact that they
would stay with me, so that I would not realize that I was more lonely than ever. And he
did not even say good bye. Why? I will never understand that. But I never heard Sorin
again afterwards. I was only with the Acropolis of Paradise in front of me. The Voice
forbade me to speak with another doomed soul in Paradise. My despair became bigger
and bigger and I had no time limit for the end of my punishment. Everything seemed to
have frozen. I could not go anywhere, not even in my mind. I felt like a plant cursed to
grow in the same place. That non-moment, and I say that because no time existed there,
I heard the Voice again, so loudly inside of me, that I thought I would start to crumble
into pieces.

84
"Don't you understand that there are no curses in Paradise, crazy priest! Only the
milk and honey of your conscious are allowed to flow here! That's all. Milk and honey,
milk and honey could be heard the echo of the Voice repeating tens, hundreds or
thousands of time in my consciousness. It thundered like a waterfall, grinding my
thinking little by little, giving it a face wanted and known only by the Voice, maybe the
face in which my soul could become a small pawn, a little stone in the mosaic of
Paradise. I would have died in no minute if I were on Earth, from teh despair and
Pain that the Voice caused to me. I didn'thave the liberty to die here."
"You don't have the liberty to die in Paradise! Maybe on Earth I would have gone
mad from such pains. I am not allowed to go crazy in Paradise. It is absolutely
forbidden. You are eternally mentally sane and that's all. You have abundance, because
hunger is forbidden in Paradise! Exactly because hunger, scandal, thirst, hate are totally
forbidden in Paradise, you want them billions of times more ardently than you wanted
them on Earth. All the"bad things" on Earth are missing here. Everything is perfect, a
perfection of good and of course, everything is compulsory in the name of Good. You
are obligated not to hate, not to do harm, not to lie, not to have negative feelings, and
everything, but absolutely everything,"must" be positive. Except for Boredom and
despair, you have nothing, here you cannot have the choice of suicide because there is
no death in Paradise, but only eternal life. Here, in Paradise, Time has lost its own dice
at the gambling table. The same happened with the real space. Only here you can see
the naked reality, the Basic Truth and namely the real image that surrounds you and that
you have been so much looking for in your earthly life. It is like having drunk from the
elixir of eternal life in order to become immortal without knowing that the Paradise you
longed for was only a banality for the Beast and the earthly nature inside of you.
Besides, you did not know that you were supposed to be ready first of all for the life in
Paradise more than anything else in the world. Not to mention the dear moments when
we wanted Paradise on Earth and we did not know that those moments included each of
them an eternity inside of them.
Many times we went to churches, willing to please God in order to receive in
exchange the Paradise. We did not realize that what we wanted was not actually the
Paradise for us, but it was the hell: we and the Beast in us were not ready for the real
Paradise, but we did not realize that our spiritual level was our real Paradise, the earthly
Paradise, which was filled with moments of eternity. We were lying when we made the
sign of the cross, because we did that in order to ask for something from God, wishing
that even the sins we had made voluntarily to be forgotten. Isn't this perversion? I love
you, God, but only if you give me something or just because I know you are great and
big, and my disobedience can bring me punishment, such as the Exile from the Paradise
I don't want any more now. Why do we have, God, this Destiny made of lead in this
Universe, and why do we have to carry it with us after death, too? Is it right that we
have been sentenced to be born where the spaces marry time, at the crossroads of death?
Not even death can deliver us from Destiny!
Why, God?
I'm not a rebel against You. I know your mercy is endless. I also know you are
LOve and You want to give us the absolute, true love, but all I do not know is why You
do not deliver us from sins by Your kindness and why we are not allowed to make the
decision not to sin.
Don't leave me, God!
Then I saw the Acropolis of Paradise receiving more and more light, reflecting on
the white marble in the fog of Paradise. Still, it was a light that seemed to come from
nowhere, but maybe it comes from those Acropolis. Suddenly I felt a positive sensation.
I was happier than ever. A calm and warm Voice said inside of my soul:

85
"Your time has not come yet, Tom Mc Coulough."
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I am the one who is, has been and will be in your thinking with times and space."
"Forgive my deadly sins, I shouted, willing to kneel without realizing that actually
I did not have knees to sit on.
"Get ready in the life that is left for you until the time and your space come, so you
can see the real Paradise! Look"
A landscape I had never seen before made me believe that the Paradise is only
light, but also temporal and spatial forms. Groups of souls were floating freely in the
serene sky and here and there I could see story like palaces. The music of celestial
bodies put you into a state of beatitude. This was the Paradise, actually the first stage of
Paradise forthe souls who came from the world of time and spaces. It was just a stage,
but it could become a hell for those who depend on negative feelings. Then I saw that
stage fo Paradise for the last time. It is strange, it was covering me with its own
existence, but had I been blind, it would have existed in vain inside of me and I would
be in vain inside of it.
"Thank You, God", I said more sincerely than ever, being aware of the fact that I
existed!
"What is the reason why Sorin committed suicide?"
A mild voice told me:"Sorin was haunted all life by the thought of finding out the
great secrets of the worlds. He was a noble soul, what made him riot against himself
was the chase for knowledge, that Sorin had mistaken for destiny. He wanted to fight
his won destiny until his death. What did he get? He is a blind man in Paradise! You
can't find anywhere the secrets of teh worlds, because the worlds have no secrets! If you
want some of your sins to be forgiven, look for your eyesight in the fog of paradise and
repent! Refuse any position in Vatican, give things to the poor and not least look for
Sorin's two wives and ask them to pray for his soul, to tell him that his only and last
salvation is to refuse the Great Secrets of the Worlds, accepting Paradise, no matter how
difficult it is for him to accept that the worlds have no secrets, he will just have to do it!
No matter how much Sorin wants a Paradise full of secrets waiting for him to find them
out, this Paradise does not exist and it never will, because Paradise is not part of the
Illusion of Life!"
I woke up in bed, in a hospital. There was a nun close to me, a nurse mumbling
words from an old, deteriorated Bible. Immediately afterwards, I realized I had been
connected to all sort of pipes and devices, competing among them in weirdness. I
wined. But the nun did not react as if she had heard me. Actually I don't event know if
that was a wine because I did not hear myself, so maybe it had been just an impression
of mine, maybe I still thought I was in the other world, where wining and words are
only in the heart. But here I was on Earth and I had to understand that words and wining
are heard in the ear. So I tried a second time. Only then did the nun turn her amazed
look to me.
"Have you recovered, father?" the nun asked me.
"Aaaaaaaaaah", I said
"I will call the doctor on duty in no time."
Presently, sister Magdalena came with that doctor, who took his stethoscope and
put it on my chest. Then I felt for the first time in my life the cold metal which, like a
traffic controller in an old railway station, as old as my age, had waived me for coming
back from a long journey with the train of my Destiny.
"You are in the San Lazare hospital in Rome. You had a heart attack and than God
you recovered," said the doctor with amazement in his voice.
I went out of hospital in about two weeks. My first thought was to confess to a

86
priest chosen at random, somewhere, in a church in Rome. I still remember the
somehow routine questions, since the priest did not know at first that I was cardinal
Anthony Mc Coulough"
"Did you lie?" a priest about 27 years old asked me.
"Yes, I did" I answered to the priest.
"When you lied, did you do so in order to hurt one of your neighbors?"
"Yes I did and that is why I regret deeply."
"It's good that you regret. Only then will God forgive your mistakes."
"How do you know this thing so well?" I asked.
"You come to me in vain if you don't know what regret, mercy and meekness are. I
am not God, but only an intermediary of the soul towards God, and maybe not even
that."
I could not believe that any priest from the outskirts of Rome could be so profound
and sincere with me, a great priest, who could not have even knelt at this young man's
feet. I had almost burst into tears while comparing him to what I used to be before
going to Paradise. Why can I see all these only now, when I have been banished from
Paradise?
I remember when he asked me whether I loved or I had really loved someone. I
told him that in my youth I had a great love, her name was Minerva Ujoc. She had been
my only sincere love that I had cheated with others, sure that no one would ever love
her the way I did. Had I made my confession a week before, I would definitely not have
remembered Minerva and I would have not admitted that I had cheated on her and I had
lost her because of me. Paradise transformed me so much! I remembered the happy
moments with Mina. That's how I used to call her on the day when she told me she was
pregnant. I left her for a blonde woman, somebody I had never loved and whom I left
very soon. I had already lost Mina. I found out that she had been through great pain
because of me. She had had an abortion. My last conversation with her was on
the phone, when she told me crying that we could have had a boy. She married a priest
and I don't know if she was happy with him. The important thing is that I wish her
happiness, wherever she might be, in any spiritual and dimensional level in Universe.
After confessing more sincerely than ever, I went to a phone booth that was close
to a parking lot, where a blind man was begging. I gave him so much money that the
poor unfortunate could not believe. Maybe he said to himself that I must have been an
impostor, and maybe that is why instead of hiding the money, he had thrown it into the
black, rotten hat.
It took forever on the phone until the operator put me through the Catholic Abbey
of San Antonio, Texas. When finally she told me"You are connected to America," I
could not believe it. I heard a woman's hoarse voice at the other end of the line, talking
to me in English. For how long had I not been speaking in English?
"Is that the Catholic Abby from San Antonio?" I asked in great excitement.
"Yes, who are you looking for?"
"Can I speak to Sister Sarah, please?" I said almost without realizing that I was
shouting.
"Right away, wait a few moments. I am going to tell her." Maybe those moments
were the most difficult in my earthly life. I was watching the window of the phone
booth, that had been probably broken by the kids who used to play with the ball at the
end of the parking lot. Suddenly, a sweet woman's voice told me:
"Hello, this is Sarah speaking."
"I don't know how I should introduce myself, mother Sarah. This is cardinal
Anthony Mc Coulougn and I am in Rome right now, in Italy."
"Cardinal Anthony Mc Coulough," Sarah said in amazement.

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"Yes, it's me and I want to ask you one thing, sister"
"Please do."
"Have you been married in civil life?"
"Yes, father."
"Can you tell me where your husband is now?"
"He passed away, father."
"Is he dead?" I asked as if I hadn't known.
"May I ask why you are questioning me about my ex-husband?"
"What was his name?" I asked, without answering her question.
"Sorin," she said.
"Sorin," I repeated, as if I had not heard that name before, as if it were a foreign
name that I wish it had been unreal or unknown or a little bit of both.
"Yes, father, why are you interested in my ex-husband, Sorin?"
"Because we met" I said, more full of hope than ever.
"Do you know him?"
"No, I never met him during lifetime."
"Then?" she asked.
"I met him in death."
"In death?" she repeated.
"Exactly, sister Sarah" I shouted without wanting to.
"Is this some stupid joke?" Sarah repeated.
"I'm not joking and I would like to pay you a visit because of that."
"A visit?.... yeah, why not? So this is not a joke, I am waiting for you any time."
"Thank you, sister Sarah."
All my life was a marygo round rotating my moments around the nonunderstandable.
I don't know why round the non-understandable. Instead of nonunderstandable,
there could have been an ocean, a lake, a stadium of moments and why
not, a mountain or a river. Maybe a chaotic laughter, like the laughter of lunatics in a
forgotten madhouse of the fair of the world, this world that lives more than ever inside
of me. Why should I be crying or suffering because of the death of I don't know who,
for having been insulted or calumniated, envied, when I am the daughter of nonunderstandable.
On the dust of my body and in my blood I forgot them a long while
ago, more than I have forgotten about myself, though I feel body and space and color
and last but not least: sister Sarah, who was for eternity Christine in my soul. Cardinal
Mc Coulough told me he had met Sorin in death and not in life.
Should I be wondering? And if I find out, will that be any good? No, because
finding out about one thing even the Basic Truth about the thing in itself, it means that
you, a poor mortal, will actually know more about that thing, because even if you find
out the Basic Truth, you will understand just as much of it as a blind man who is shown
a rainbow.Your horizon will be dark and remote, just like the colors the blind man can
see. You can tell somebody who has been born blind how wonderful the blue sky is, he
will never understand a thing, even if a Truth is revealed to him, belonging to our
Illusion of Life, just as illusory in the absolute of the cosmic reality. Then? Are we
know better-seers than that blind man? Maybe yes, but this is valid only in the dream
we are living, namely the Illusion of Life..
Then why don't we accept that a non-truth can be in its essence our Illusion of Life,
a truth just as big as the rainbow that the blind man is shown?
I will write to Irene a letter telling her what Mc Coulough told me. I can't say why,
but this is the first time I have felt a compulsion to write to Irene. In spite of all these, I
have writer's block when the pen and paper are in front of me. I feel that I cant' write
down, not even one sentence. How could I tell her that a priest came back from the dead

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and called me, asking about Sorin, whom he had never met? No, no way. You don't just
come back from the dead, and start making phone calls or visiting a nun who is as much
of a non-believer in God as she believes in the Word who gave birth to the world! What
should I ask her about someone who committed suicide, maybe a soul who could never
adapt to society and its meanness, or lies taken for truth and law. I don't think he killed
himself to speak to priests in the afterlife, to priests who resurrect and call nuns on the
phone or who try to find loneliness in the kind and lenient arms of the Savior, painted
by a gay soul in order to be more attractive for the nuns. Should I be telling all these to
Irene, about this ideatic group masturbation of the lonely nuns? No, I should speak
nicely to Irene, only in words that reveal what is accepted by society, some sort of
alexandrine verses played in the tone of moral, at the harp of lie and self-alineation.
I could never understand why people accept a certain situation of the social moral,
why they are not more sincere to their neighbor, why they do not accept a society that is
closer to the condition of their soul and not an archetypal social moral, where the
individual in himself has nothing to do in capacity of man, but first of all he
must"educate himself" according to certain patterns who only alienate him more from
himself, but more than that, it tries to kill any trace of personality, transforming him
into a ruthless butcher of the personalities of the other individuals, who, if they are
stronger, will not be so easily obeyed to the archetype of lie, moralof social nothingness
where the interest prevails!
What if Mc Coulough is a crazy priest, who was delirious about Sorin on the
phone? Then, how can he know Sorin? Oh my God, Sorin, why do you continue doing
this to me even after your death? Why? Wouldn't I better leave the abbey? What reason
should I give for doing this? They will definitely label me unserious. What reason? I
will have to lie, to invent one as plausible as possible. Anyway, religion in itself
sometimes seems to lack sense. A hypocrite doctrine and that is all, but it can enliven
souls up to fanaticism. I am running away from Sorin because I am terrified. Not
because he is chasing me from the dead, but because it is hard to accept that he is
looking for me and not vice versa. After all he had always wanted to die in Antarctica. I
freeze when I think what a way he found to get rid of life. I used to be happy when I felt
Sorin was close to me after death. I used to invoke him but that's all. He used to love me
and in spite of this, I have started to fear Sorin terribly. Why? Maybe because I have
started thinking more and more often that the spirit I am communicating with is not
Sorin, but a demon. I don't have reasons to feel guilt, because it was not me who urged
him to commit suicide. It was his choice. Oh, God, give me the power to discern, to
have the power to face myself. I don't know and I cannot understand why I am feeling
that I have to avoid Mc Coulough. The thought tormenting me right now is that I should
hide somewhere in the so close remoteness of his feelings. I feel some sort of atavistic
fear.
God, give me the power to discern in the hard working will of my heart: the
Thought.
Maybe what I want more this moment is not to hear in the noisy silence fo my
heart that turns my soul deaf, with its multitude of voices and tinges spoken in the most
powerful bull horns that have ever existed, directly in my ears. This is the silence of
thoughts, silence that strikes just like the waves, against the sad, silence shores of
moments, giving birth to: Destiny.

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Chapter 5
Who am I? The poor Christine or sister Sarah, who has not become faithful enough
or sinner enough? Therefore, I am some sort of impostor, a woman longing for a family
life and who hopes that maybe one day a Don Juan or at least a Casanova will come to
take her away from these disgraceful and cold walls. Before wondering who the
Universe is, I should have asked who I am! I am wondering if the great, the ironical, the
merciful, the good, the beautiful universe full of hope, with hormones between the
pages of history of so many societies, is actually somebody. Who knows if we are
somebody. Sometimes I can't believe that I, as Christine and sister Sarah do really exist.
And not because sometimes I am undecided, good or bad or full of vain hopes,
despondent, but because every time I look back, trying to discover myself, I am on a
path with no landmarks, so I can get back to the place from where I started. Finally, I
realize with the same stupor that the path does not actually exist, except for in a
diabolical fantasy of life resulting from the stubbornness of being on the path regardless
of price, of knowing that I exist and I am that someone who carves the foamy waves of
existence more sharply than the rocks that hurt the ocean of the Illusion of Life.
It's autumn and the trees have started to rust the memories of some buds that were
born a few months ago, when nature displayed in spring its explosion of beauty and
charm. The birds are heading full of trust towards the lost spring.
These birds are looking their entire life for the lost spring, trying to draw on the
autumn sky, by their geometry, and in the hearts of the tenants of the Illusion of Life,
that the Great Happiness means looking always for the lost spring. The most painful
thing in the world is not the incapacity to find, but simply finding the lost spring!
You would have nothing to chase in this situation... That is why the lost spring of
life is the autumn with its rusty and dead ceremonies, like the Illusion of Life itself!
Autumn is the sign of our happiness, that, the more we love, the farther it gets from
us. In order to be happy, we will have to love spring, the birth of what will die in
autumn. The more you try to look for happiness, you will only wander away from it.
Life and its own illusion result in paradoxes, which are always painful. By pain you feel
life, you feel you are alive. We will have to hate happiness in order to get really close to
it. I feel some sort of fear that comes from nowhere. I am afraid of everything and
anyone. Of Mc Coulough, of Sorin who is looking for me from the dead, and not least I
am afraid of the abbey. The cold walls surrounding it are a pressure on me, I feel some
sort of sentimental claustrophobia, like I did about twenty years ago, when I wrote a
poem I called like that, Sentimental claustrophobia. I don't know why but I don't have
the courage to wonder even now what sentimental claustrophobia is.

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I still remember some of those lines:
"Bitter lights, boulevards
Voiceless music in my ear
Far away from me I hear.
One existence – all that’s left.
Time goes by, does not come back.
Clocks remind that time’s on track.
This is the daytime. Now comes night.
And many things will have arrived
Within the sadness of the art.
And of a man who, even blind
Will seed the seeds of morrow’s light.
Of many moments full of life
Of many moments that have died.
You won’t be here!
In all the fire-reddish falls
That nature will delight
I, poor pilgrim, seek my meaning
Without me in my life
Claustrophobia sentimental
Just as banal
Since our lips are full of cold
In our winter soul abode."
I don’t know why I remembered those lines that I wrote some time ago with
teenage passion and ardor. Maybe sometimes we feel that we need a bit of adolescence
because by its purity banishes fear, our more than biblical anguish of our senseless
meaning as dust forgotten by the time in ourselves!
Then what will you do, Christine? Where will you go with hopeless steps? Those
steps who trod on your own hopes, leaving cold traces in the snow of memories.
Traces frozen by the pain of silence, which means to erase even time in order to
satisfy the wishes of Forgetfulness, its Royal Highness.
I feel like shouting: Curse!
I shout from all my heart, only as a thought like a sear leaf, floating among the
spiders of the autumns that are asking me:"Why Curse?" Then I feel like shutting up
and look at the abbey walls. Then I feel like going away again, leaving forever the
abbey that reminds me of curse like the one sentenced to be beheaded feels when he
sees the guillotine.
Finally I decided. I will leave this place forever. I want to live my life, without
other complications. Happiness resides in simplicity and that is why I wish to live a
simple life, to be forgotten somewhere, in the jungle of the big city, that does no longer
remind me of the past, Sorin and everything he used to mean for me sometime ago.
I will head west, maybe to Los Angeles, the city of angels.
What kind of angels live there, I wonder? We'll see. I want to see the prioress's
face when I tell her my decision to leave the monastery. Still what came to me all of a
sudden, so that I want to leave this place?
I don't think I am the first to do so and not the last either. I wish once and for all
that the storm breaking the branches in the trees of my dreams and hopes stopped. I
don't ever want to hear the word storm again. But what? Maybe calm, a calm more and
more hysterical, despondent, until its perception is painfully sweet, from the beginning,
turning into a volcanic and sentimental eruption, so powerful that even the lava of love
will be thrown to the four corners of self forgetfulness, finding again the anguish and

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the frustration as the only saviors of destiny! Why, God of this monastery? Why do we
always want an answer that does not exist? More than that, even if it did exist, we could
not understand it. Maybe just because we can know the notion of answer? And if we do,
what's the use of that? What's the use of that if we know there is the answer that we
could not understand and maybe we could not accept. Why am I who I am and not
somebody else? Who knows? Maybe the sky and the walls, the rain, the seasons, the
beings, the stones, the satellites, the celestial bodies, the galaxies, the universe?
Everything I want is to go to nowhere, with no aim, to go to and fro all my life. To
forget about Christine, just like I don't want to remember sister Sarah. I wish I could
bury them both in the cemetery of my thoughts. I am going to tell the prioress right
away about my decision.. I am afraid not of the prioress, but of the unknown. Inside of
me there is a fight between the fear of the unknown and the will to go, to change my
life, my identity, to throw away all the lead memories pressing on me painfully, putting
my heart in chains against the cold pillar of past, on a bad whether like the beginning of
the worlds. I don't know when I arrived in front of the prioress's door.
After all, it is a door like any other door, which opens and closes like the destiny
between birth and death. I clutch the door handle and I open the door. The prioress’s
desk is in front of me. Only a feeble ray of light comes in through the window covered
in opaque, purple curtains. I know that behind the curtains there is the painfully pleasant
sun, which is always the witness of the holders of destinies that live under his light.
Suddenly, I see a spider on a freshly woven web, made evident by a naughty ray of light
who was fighting to face the curtains which came in through a small carving. It is 32
past 11. That's all I can see on the clock with a black face, which is behind the desk.
This is the time, nothing more, not for me and not for the others, either. It seems that
there is too much silence and I can't even hear the playful spider. I am so stupid! You
can't hear spiders! The prioress was missing, even if I would have liked her to be here.
Only the silence and a few of her things, such as a pen, a Bible, visit cards, a few pages
full of signatures, were displayed there, in a maniacal order of the soul disorder that
must have characterized the prioress.
I would do anything if once in her life she allowed me to arrange her things, so she
can see that it’s all about courage and not about the maniacal-despondent order of your
soul disorder, prioress! Maybe than it would be much easier for me, because I would
not have to fight alone, I would know there is somebody just like me, trying to find an
escape from the endless ocean of finding ourselves.
I feel so alone that I feel death is just as close to us as life is. It started to rain. I
have not noticed when the ray of light disappeared. In the tomblike silence, the rain
came like a savior of my feelings, from the skies, in order to break the plate of silence
into thousands of pieces, for no one ever to be able to eat from it at the table of
sufferance, which is my own life.
I am walking in the monastery yard. Maybe the prioress is back. I went again in
front of her black polished door. I open it. Yes, the prioress is there, swamped in her
daily chores, as usual. She is talking on the big black phone which, definitely, must date
back before the Second World War She did not feel I was there, in spite of my sighing.
"So," I said finally. But the prioress kept talking on the phone, as if I did not exist.
I start thinking of strange things, such as:"When I am dead, I will be willing to talk to
somebody from this world and they won’t feel me, definitely. Well, I am not dead and I
am in this world. I am here, on Earth, the planet which..."
"I exist! I exist! I feel that I exist! I wake up shouting without realizing it. Only
now the prioress looks at me. She is calm as usually, this monument of interests."
"I know you exist," she says with look that is not entirely here. Maybe the missing
part of the look got lost somewhere in Antarctica, where Sorin committed suicide. The

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prioress puts her skinny hand on the receiver, covering the speaker, so that the person at
the other end of the line cannot hear what we are saying.
"I want to leave the monastery, prioress," I told her directly.
"OK, that’s it?" I answered in amazement and mechanically.
"As far as I know, sister Sarah, a cardinal from Rome was about to visit you, better
said his sanctity, Anthony Mc Coulough."
"That’s right, prioress," I said in a little irritated tone.
"Hello?" said the prioress taking her hand off the receiver."After all I agree on the
price of the 500 candles. We also need incense..." she continues as if I had not been
there. I wanted an answer, which she had actually given me… Everything seemed too
easy. I can’t accept this"OK". My resignation was too easily accepted and this makes
my soul heavy, makes me believe I am a sinner, a nothing, and that death will come just
as unexpectedly as the prioress’s answer came. So I must have valued very little in her
eyes since she got rid of me so easily. So that I suppose my life does not value too
much, and my entire system of values is torn down, I am a soul just as empty as I was at
my birth. Should this be the moment of my re-birth? All the teachings and experiences
of life are reduced to nothing? Then I am nothing and no matter how big and important
we think we are in life, regardless of the illusion that life creates, we are still nothing.
The prioress continued to speak about candles, crosses, flowers, icons and chains
for tying the crosses to slender, thick, and young and wrinkled necks, in the attempt to
find again our value, the reason for our living without realizing that every moment we
get closer and closer to death.
I believe in destiny, as well as I believe in love and the magic of death? Does death
have a magic side? Or are we so blind that we can't even see its magic side. Maybe only
when we have made peace to ourselves we can accept the great charity and magic of
death. I don't understand why we have not been given the magic of death as a balm and
a blessing instead of curse. Then who are we? What is the mercy destiny shows us since
we cannot understand this mercy?
Have we been created to ask for mercy, clemency and curse! I don’t understand
why I have been born Christine and not somebody else. Where are you, God? Where on
the way of my destiny have I got lost at the same time with Sorin?
Some of us are afraid of death, because they associate it with life, believing in
feelings and sensations similar to those of life, but inside a tomb and a putrefying body!
It happened that years ago I felt many times that cold shiver, that feeling of
impossibility of life before death! I imagined how terrible must be to rot little by little,
in a coffin or, as an alternative, to burn in a crematorium. It was horrible and I felt
defeated, like a calf in a slaughterhouse. All these because I was applying death the
perspective of life. When you are dead it is natural for your body not to have the senses
that lead them through life. It is only a mass of decomposing matter. You don't have the
senses you had in your life, even if you can see the dear ones. You become again the
one you used to be before your birth, no matter if you were born one hour or one
million years ago. You left time once you left the world and its sensations. I am
wondering if other worlds are more welcoming. Do they have time and spaces? Do they
have Destiny? Maybe the other worlds should not be approached from the perspective
of this world. And then? Where are we going? Is it better or is it worse that something
we are going to? Are we going North or South? Towards hours or towards centuries?
Or maybe towards none of these. I don't understand why I am lately obsessed with
death. Maybe I am afraid that there is no afterlife. We, the inhabitants of life,we need
by all means an afterlife! No matter how hard we try, we cannot imagine death
otherwise except from the perspective of life. No matter how many arguments I bring
for myself and how many times I am shouting in my loneliness that there is afterlife, a

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feeling of fear mixed up with uncertainty dwells in my soul like a spring in the middle
of winter, crying:"There is no afterlife!" so loudly, deafening for the ears of my heart.
The Prioress continued to speak on the phone. I feel totally useless, as if I should
not be in that office. Still, I get stubborn and I stay. The Prioress speaks about the
baptism of a child from a nearby locality, and then she mentions the inevitable death of
a certain teacher, whose cancer is in final stage. I keep on thinking about death, afterlife
and the fact that the"afterlife" might not exist, there could be"after death" instead of it.
And then? All of a sudden, I feel a wave of heat in my entire body, a feeling of joy
floods my heart and unwillingly, I utter:"Yes!" maybe loud enough for my speaking to
cover the prioress's voice. She looks at me, going on with her conversation. I smiled.
The prioress looks at me asking, with a frown of the brows. I have no answer to give
her, since the answer I had given was for me.
No matter how much we deny the afterlife, it does exist and no matter how strange
it may seem, it exists exactly by its non-existence. How? Well, it's simple! When we
die, whether we are aware we are dying or not, our last thoughts become eternity by the
endlessness of eternity that comes after them. Maybe the same thoughts, the last ones,
are the afterlife, becoming eternal in the event that an afterlife, like we imagine, does
not exist.
In this case, even if the afterlife does not exist, it becomes eternal, by the eternity
of the last thought taken on the wings of death to a new re-birth, to other spiritual and
dimensional spaces.
That last thought is, actually, a new world, a new re-birth to other spiritual and
dimensional spaces.
That last thought is, actually, a new world, a new life subject to other laws than
those we know.
In this case, the way you die becomes extremely important!
The last moments of your life become this way very important, they are the
grounds of your new life, the new basic structure of what you will be sometimes in the
future!
Therefore, the afterlife exists by its inexistence, by the eternity defining it, leaving
the light of the last thought to shine under the new sky of the endlessness of your ego.
Maybe that thought will build up a world entirely its, by the energy of the spirit
deciding whether it will reincarnate in the left world or it will choose another spiritual
and dimensional level, belonging to the last thought who created the said spirit.
Actually, the existence of afterlife resides in death and eternity, in its inexistence.
Strange as it may seem, when you say there is no afterlife you actually confirm the
existence of the afterlife. It is very important how we die and it is just as important if
we go to the other world in good peace with ourselves or not, because in the moment of
death we can visualize a thought full of beatitude, with elements we are eager for such
as a magical land ro becoming young and healthy again, even if we are actually eighty
years old and burdened with the weight of our age.. We will have to believe in
ourselves and in our stars which dies out in a small corner of the Universe, in order to
go to another Universe, where the train of this world does not have a railway station.
The prioress finished talking on the phone. She is looking at me as if she were
asking what I was doing in her office, me, such a weird woman, who does not want to
understand that everything, but absolutely everything, is subject to patterns and laws,
and everybody subordinates to somebody or to an idea and, why not, to manners.
"That is right, prioress" I answer, at the same time waiting for an answer.
"I have told you I agree on your leaving, sister Sarah, if that’s what you want. All
these years since you have been here, maybe you understood how many things we owe
to God. If you want to serve Him differently, I cannot stop you. The way you will

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choose will be the one that will determine your destiny.."
"No, prioress. My destiny has been determined before I was born, even if I feel it is
me determining it."
"Then it will continue to write the story of your life," the prioress said, deeply
moved by such an answer, looking at that old telephone apparatus, as if she wanted to
call once more, to leave our conversation and go nowhere. I was looking at her, she had
started scratching the tablecloth with the nail.
"Do we really have a way?" I asked the prioress
"If we did not have a Way, which would be the role of God?" she said, the glance
mislaid towards the telephone, as if she answered to herself.
"A way, a way, a way…" I have repeat as I made it when I had 4-5 years and I
learned poetry.
"A Way", concludes the prioress while sighing.
"Then?" I have request to her, biting without realizing it my lower lip, so that at the
end I released a rather strident"ah" but it was almost quietly. I do not know if the
prioress heard it or not, but what is important is that, as if she was being carried away
on the wings of thought, she whispered something quite incomprehensible, something
with why, with paradise, with sex or maybe without sex, maybe that it was only my
impression, maybe that it was me who thought about sex, who could know that, what
matters is that suddenly she turned her stray glance from the telephone and looked
directly at me.
She said something to me, because she moved her lips, but she forgot to speak.
The finger, which until the other day had scratched the tablecloth slipped on the
telephone wire, making it swing to and fro, sometimes calmly, sometimes more
nervously.
"Why do you leave mother Sarah?"
"Why do I leave?" Well that was the answer I had waited such a long time from
the prioress, and which did not seem to come any more. Finally, I said to her:
"Death is a continuation of life, prioress", I said to her without realizing it.
Suddenly she looked at me more or less surprised, with a spring air in her eyes.
"And before death there did not used to be always life?" says the prioress this time
with an absent air, finishing the question with a light raise in her voice, which revealed
me a hidden surprise.
"I agree with you, prioress. Before us or more exactly before the life we lived, we
lived in the eternal life of the death before the life, and after this we shall live the death
beyond the life. What disturbs me more is that all our life we will never know which
one is the true death, the one before life, that one after life or maybe death is the life
itself?
"Why should we know all these, sister Sarah?" the prioress said, looking at me
directly, with a strange spark in the eyes, which I had noticed only in the eyes of
animals during my childhood.
"Why? Because only that way I can explain myself what I am doing here in this
Holy Monastery, what Holiness, sacredness are, and more than this where I want to go
in the life I have left, in order to face the destiny which cannot be faced."
" Be more explicit mother Sarah," said the prioress with a certain resignation
which, by chance, I happened to feel as being sincere.
"I am here because I am trying to believe in the concept of holiness like I used to
believe during my childhood in Father Christmas."
"I needed Father Christmas then as much as I need now the concept of God. What
if He is only a kind of Father Christmas for grown-up children like me?
"And what if it is so?" says the prioress.

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"Well what if …? I should be speaking in the name of people but only in my name:
it would be a disaster."
"A disaster?"
"Yes a disaster" I answered her.
"A disaster" repeated the prioress in a serious tone.
"I think I know why that would be a disaster for you", she concluded.
"Why?" I asked her more curious than ever.
"Because you are afraid of death and, why not recognize it, of life," she said with
alleged superiority, hiding away, somewhere in the light lacking depths of her heart,
some forgotten arrogance, possibly remains from the times when holiness had no
spiritual connotation for her.
"So it is, prioress," I answer, as if right this moment I had to swallow a slice of the
most acid lemon I have ever tasted. Anyway, I try to keep all uninvited grimace off my
face.
" I am afraid of death and because of that I am looking for holiness; I fear it just as
much as I fear life and that's why I am seeking death."
" I wish you could help me to better understand holiness, looking for it in order not
to run away from my own life with the fear of death, in order not to run away from the
high prelate who will come and who will speak to me about a death which causes me
the same fear as life does, of a death which makes me live again a life lost on the frozen
paths of the Antarctica, where Destiny, my former husband, killed himself, where a part
of my life also died with him, a life which, instead of leaving me alone, haunts me more
sharply than ever, making me live two lives at the same time, that of mother Sarah and
that of Destiny's wife."
"Maybe what is frightening me more is the fact that I will die only for the life I
lived as mother Sarah and not as Christine, Destiny's wife. Maybe if I live two parallel
lives I also deserve two deaths."
"Nobody deserves two deaths."
"Look prioress, that's the thing that drives me crazy, makes me become insane and
makes me go I don't know where. Because of that my inner tranquility, which I believed
I would find here, in this residence of God, dissipates itself as the fog of winter
mornings is dissipated when the cold and wet sun comes up of its stellar hide-aways.
That is the problem, prioress, the fact that above all I need two deaths to be able to find
my peace in my two given lives, and, nevertheless, I am afraid of death."
" I understand you, mother Sarah, but maybe only while waiting for his sanctity,
Anthony Mc Coulough, you will be able to receive your second death for your second
life.
"Or the continuation of each life in its death."
" Maybe, poor Sarah."
"Maybe, prioress."
"For the moment it would be better that you do not leave anywhere. Wait for his
sanctity, Mc Coulough, to come."
The prioress started to speak to me with much tenderness in her voice. Well, it is
exactly what I do not like. I do not like to be felt sorry by anybody.
"I know this is some sort of stupid pride, but it is what I feel and I don’t think I will
change at my age considering that I did not want to accept at all that I was afraid of the
death full of life of Mc Coulough, this death sharper than my life, the life of a nun who
in her stupidity or in her naïveté believed that she would find herself between the walls
of this abbey but on the other hand she realized that she was farther from herself than
ever, which she thought was as an animal cornered by the weapons of hunters, but who
hid behind thick bushes, thinking they might protect it from the weapons carrying

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death, bushes which will bring it back to life, to a life in which it does not feel any more
its heart beating as if bursting out through its ears and eyes, fearing that the fatal bullet
could make it stop beating each moment, because of fear, of anguish, like the clock
from the tower of the old cathedral, with musty smell and gray walls.
I answer the prioress:"You are right. I will not leave for the moment. I will wait for
the cardinal, to see if I have the right from the divinity to two deaths or of two lives in
the death!"
"Or the right to two lives in one death" the prioress interrupted.
"Maybe", I answer her instinctively, without realizing it. In fact, I became absent
to the dialogue with the prioress while thinking of holiness and of the fact that we need
so much for us to be holy and to have our saints created by this life.
Suddenly the telephone rings again. The prioress answers with greasiness,
something like that:"ah, yes, these small icons…"
I am going to leave, thinking that maybe I too, am a saint, or maybe in another
death or in another life I was Father Christmas, Snow White or Cinderella and despite
everything maybe only in this life or in this death we agree to create our saints, to
believe in them.
We need so much to believe in somebody like us but who has approached more
than us the canons of perfection, canons which we use like a code without words or
figures, a code of certain canons which we have dug deeply with the chisel of our heart
in our own antediluvian history, history supposed to include a winner, endowed with
some qualities for winning, these ones being only canons for building up holiness,
canons which transformed in time until they resulted in the sentence:"each and every
one of us has private saints." In fact I believe it would be more suggestive to affirm:
each one with its own alienation, alienation, which made us believe in something, even
in Cinderella, Father Christmas, White Snow or Gulliver, and when all of this was not
enough any more, we have created the holiness as a false substitute of sacredness,
which we claim to be holding but we only deliver heroes according to the respective
canons, heroes whom we call saints. This is the belief of man, who thinks that he
believes in order to believe!
Without canons Snow White could not be a saint any more because from the little
children that we were we became big children. We need a Snow White to believe in and
because of that she had to make a blunder according to our older canons, namely tales
about purity, absolute, in a word sacredness, fact that conferred her the appellative of
saint.
That’s what we, people, are, some grown-up children who never stop believing in
tales, tales which must be at the level of our expectations. We need supernatural
because it is a substitute by which we explain something"scientifically" or"spiritually".
It is always us who finally give an answer to ourselves.
The great lie of our life is that we assign sacrality both to the supernatural and to
our everyday life, which is not veracious because the supernatural is neither in the
everyday life, nor in the sacral, as the sacral is neither in the everyday life nor is it really
supernatural. All that is sacral is not supernatural, and what is to be found in our
everyday life not only that it is not sacral, but it is far from being supernatural. It is
completely true that if we thought each day these statements the life would become
grayer and even more distant from what we represent as a gear of it, being without
direction.
We need lies because only with lies we can nourish the illusion of our life on its
way towards progress and civilization.
We were born to feed us on lie and when we go to the toilet we flush over the thing
that is nearest to the truth more than anything else:"our ideatic feces".

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Though we are strangers and very far from ourselves, though we hate ourselves by
loving ourselves or we love ourselves with the hate, never but never will we stop
believing that the more expensive a coffin is, while being made of a special material,
and the bigger comfort it offers, the better it is.
Then our being is something else except for a stranger to itself, dressed with the
cloak of absurdity. Surely not!
There are people who figure this out and who prefer to continue their trip, others
who will never figure it out, and thus there is nothing for them to continue, and others,
but only very few, who figure it out but who do not continue anything.
The latter are most unhappy because they figure out the lie in which they were
born, they always seek a truth that to tell the truth they will never find and in the event
they do not commit suicide, they abandon themselves in a world of idealism, where the
supernatural receives the connotations of the common, where the holiness does not
exist, where the sacral is the canvas with which they nourish their own illusion of life
illusion which will torture them, showing to them the lie!
The other two categories will nourish the illusion of their life with the lie that they
will consider at the same time holy, sacred and supernatural.
I go to my room. A breeze blows through the large and palmed leaves of some fig
trees brought here from the holy land itself.
The saints are an indicator that pointing the way to God.
Without saints life would not be the same. What would be life without poetry or
tales?
To tell the truth God is another tale on which depend all our life and our entire
destiny.
Each of us is a tale with a beginning or an end more or less happy, but a tedious
tale, and nothing but this, a tale in which our own body always and inevitably becomes
a corpse, without taking account the position we have in this world, a world in which
we know that we see only the space and the traces that time left there, and we think
only very rarely that we can also see the past too, but not the present by telescopes at
billion years light, where the past of the stars becomes present in our present and the
future of the stars begins from the so called present that we live.
Why? Is it possible for the future to be also in the past of the stars, where the time
freezes while amalgamating with the eternity?
When man started to wonder he felt for the first time the despair, being for the first
time conscious of himself.
As we can see I can go anywhere, I can do anything else, other than monasticism
and in spite of that more I am free to choose the way I want to follow, the more I do not
want to leave.
What a paradox the commitment you make to yourself in this world!
Maybe I should travel with myself in myself, maybe I should look at my interior
worlds, look at the structure which composes them, worlds which compose me, I should
run among them like a virgin in a brothel, I should always wonder what I am doing here
there, as if I knew it since before this world, in which sister Sarah deplores that she
passes through an existential crisis.
Maybe only now do I succeed in discovering myself, I succeed in figuring out that
I was not and I could never be a person, a soul that accepts some canons to float on like
a sheet in a late autumn on the waves of its own Styx, forgotten by the times of some
liar, faithless but quiet summer in the station of life, canons which are found only
during the autumns when the rains of the memories become melancholies full of
existential neurosis.
I go to my room, where I will feel again lonely and weak, ridiculous and full of all

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kind of paradoxes, some stranger than the others.
I look at the walls full of moss, maybe as old as the hearts of many sisters; it is like
the traces of the time ordained in this monastery for glorifying the success it has in this
world, namely it is glorified between these walls maybe more than anywhere else,
because here we can feel time in all its splendor, much heavier and full of pressure, like
a very affectionate, but obese husband, compared to whom loneliness becomes a soft
and inestimable burden, you want to run away from him but finally you stop. It is much
better to flirt with the time, which has a past, instead of flirting with eternity, where the
past has been erased definitively in billions of years of universe!
Once arrived in the room I want to throw my things on the floor, I want to make
the biggest mess.

I do not understand why the order became to me so heavy.

I would break something…, I take the little horse of porcelain that I have had since
the spring of the Shell Festival that here, in San Antonio, has turned into a real festival
of repression, failures, but also of hopes and successes over the year.
I look at my little horse, crumbling into pieces.
A deep but reassuring tuneless sound, crosses the tumult of my soul like a bell
which resounds only once in the eternity in the quiet vastness of the universe.
Hardly now do I see among the inert clocks a white envelope. These are sleeping
pills. There, at the Shells Festival I have decided to take a great amount of these drugs
to be able to travel in the world of Sorin, in the worlds of LAMA Den Xing. Worlds
that I know only from some vague descriptions related by Sorin before dying, worlds
where I did not live.
A world does not exist if we do not live it, it does not matter how many
descriptions you hear about it. I want to live them at all costs.
In any case I am not convinced that taking these drugs I will arrive there, but who
knows, there is a chance. I feel reluctance, a fear that is reduced by the desire to escape
from myself, desire that started to be a true obsession for me. I do not know if the
amount is too big or too little. What matters is that until now I did not have the courage
to avoid life using the sleeping pills.
Since months, when I put the sleeping pills in the little horse I have always
postponed this moment. A fear maybe as old and deep as the dream that we live, as the
illusion of life or as the moment when we were conscious that we exist made me
tergiversate the moment when I have decided to inhale the sleeping pills. Why?
Then it would be better to ask myself why I want so much to escape from myself?
Maybe that would be the answer, this very question, because any answer about us is a
new never ending question.
We are a question about our own destiny.
We have never been and we will never be anything more.
Why? Because our existence is illusory, we live the illusion of life from the
illusory birth until the illusory death.
Maybe in ourselves we are never alone, but by the illusion that we live we are
condemned to loneliness by the question! Thus, every moment that brings us closer to
death carries us farther from ourselves. Then which is the truth of this life except the
illusion of life in itself?
Maybe death!
But nevertheless, once death occurs trough the illusion of life, in terms of this one,
then death is also an illusion? The illusion of death?
I came to understand that the single truth that is given to us is that of the illusion of
life and that of the illusion of death.

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This truth brings us more closely to God because we are conscious that the illusion
of life with its self-asserting science, the knowledge in general, that moves us away
from God Himself, is a morganatic representation.
All that we know truly is that God exists, being the only truth that we can
perceive! For the rest we have only the illusion that we know or that we cognize.
We believe ourselves great and powerful, we run on the way of our life full of
uselessness and skews towards any kind of goals whose importance is quite as illusory
as the same goals.
We do not know if space really exists, if time really exists, the good and the evil,
the beautiful and the ugly, and we do not know really which of all that is really the good
and which is the evil, which is the beautiful and which is the ugly but especially what is
the space and what is the time.
The fact that I run or that I move can be an illusion quite as big as the fact that one
hour has passed since I have spoken with the prioress.
One winter I had a serious depression. During these moments not only that I did
not know where I was from the geographical point of view but while remaining in an
armchair and while looking at the window I was trembling. All the time I reached out
my hand to see if the space in front of me exists.
Then I felt a terrible panic associated with anguish, fear, despair. I had the feeling
that all that surrounded me was inexistent and me, I was a point without space and time,
some share in the Universe or, more terribly, that I was surrounded by large concrete
tiles, like in a tomb, and that one was a palm outdistance from me. The fact that I suffer
seriously from claustrophobia created me a feeling of inferno associated with weakness.
I was terrified believing that the image of the nature behind the window is nothing but a
lie.
What terrifies me is the question whether all of this is really a lie and if the illusion
of life hides this truth behind it!
Maybe because of that this illusion of the life we live exists, because if we learn
the Basic Truth about us, about the foreigners in ourselves, we could not support
ourselves any more and we would destroy ourselves immediately.
Who are we?
Who I am, this ex-Christine, the current mother Sarah? Why I was born and where
am I running to? Am I sentenced to always pass from an illusion to another, from the
illusion of life to that of death and then to other and other illusions?
What is the truth? What is the freedom with its freedom of will? Mere illusions,
but what are illusions? In any case not mere truths, but what? If our truth is an illusion
and the illusion is not a truth we do not exist.
We are a dream of an eternal creation without times and spaces!
We do not exist because, if we exist, we should die, but the creation that dreams us
is quite as immortal as the time and the space of its breath, of its existence and of its
Basic Truth.
Because of that we do not die but we do not exist either!
We feel distant from ourselves because although it is difficult to believe, the truth
is that we are not we, I am not I, but then who we are?
We are the trees in bloom from the springs or the foamy waves of the ocean or the
first snowflakes which cover the the reddish-brown oak-trees forgotten by time.
If we are the rain why we cannot wash us from ourselves?
If we are the stars on the clear sky of the nights laden with love whispers or deep
sighs for fearing another day, why do we know and believe, but we cannot
identify ourselves to the star in front of us that shines suavely but who died billion years
ago?

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Why?
Because we cannot accept the beauty of the past in the illusion of death, because
we wish this time of life which breaks each night on the sky in billion stars, in bits of
past, present and future where all together say to us that he, the great time, not only
does not exist but it was meant never to exist.
Then?
Who are the strangers within us?
Not only that I am not afraid of death but I want to regain by death the freedom I
had before knowing that the primeval sin exists, or before knowing that sufferance for
happiness, but also happiness for sufferance exist.
I have a kind of strange feeling, that there is some sort of lucidity in the chance that
surrounds us.
I have came to look at chance as to a friend whom I have known since always;
suddenly this friend disintegrates himself and the chance becomes a feeling, an ego, me
myself. I hear the door bell ringing. Who is it? I slam the door open, it opens
more widely than my heart is opened towards society. There is a priest."Be welcome," I
tell him in an undertone.
"I am Anthony Mc Coulough," he says to me in a hoarse voice.
Anthony Mc Coulogh, the cardinal, is in front of me. He oddly looks at me, with
timidity and also with a kind of revolt.
Although he looks at me, our glances do not meet, as they got lost in the
amazement of having met each other. We have been in this living room of mine for
more than ten minutes and except for the habitual greetings, we have not spoken a
word.
The cardinal is so wrinkled that suddenly the surface of the brain or of a planet
crossed by cracks and ditches comes to my mind.
I smile, saying to myself that Mc Coulough cannot possible have the face of
a planet or the face of a brain. But does he actually have a brain? The brain does not
have a face; it remains hidden in the skull, like we remain hidden in front of life,
although life exists through us, the same manner that the thoughts pass through the
brain.
"I was in the afterworld", the priest said finally.
"In the afterworld", I repeated as if this term were completely new for me, as if I
never heard anything about it, and now, unaware, following a revelation, I would have
taken note of that for the first time.
"I did!" he concluded, this time a little interrogatively.
"And?" I answered.
"And…"
He pauses a little and then he continues:
"There is a place without place and a world without worlds. With sighs and despair
but also with happiness and ecstasies" the cardinal says.
"Is it?" I say astonished but without being astonished in my spirit. Maybe the
cardinal felt that or maybe not.
"Yes", he answers me both affirmatively and astonished, and I did not know at all
whether this affirmative yes expressed the astonishment in his mind or not. Maybe it
was just a lying mimic, as the one I had had previously.
"Yes" the cardinal concludes more authoritative than before, which gave much
relevance to his answer.
"I do not understand, father, you know, I cannot understand…
"What Sarah? What is so difficult to understand?"
Why there is a place without place and a world without world sbut with sighs and

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despairs, with happiness and with ecstasy?
"That's why I am here, because I want to understand the previous question, Sarah. I
want to know why the world can be without world, the place without place, but the
suffering cannot be without suffering, just as the happiness cannot be without happiness
and the sigh cannot be without sigh!"
"Well, father", I answered him,"How could I answer to the question since I am the
one who asked it?"
"It is not you who will give me the answer, Sarah, but in exchange you will help
me to ask the question that will answer to this."
"How father?"
"I do not know that myself, but nevertheless I feel that I will find my answer here."
"Here in this monastery?" I ask the father.
"I feel that this is the place where I start on the road for answering the question."
"Before the doorbell rang I wanted to...but I’d rather not say it. That does not make
any sense," I told to the prelate.
"Maybe it doesn’t, but what if it does...?"
"If it does!?" I say to him more or less undecided whether I should reveal to him
this secret or not. There are two antagonistic forces fighting in me, on the one hand
urging me to confess to someone, but on the other hand I don’t want to. In the event that
I confess that will be like I would put out the fire inside me with the thunder of the
confession."
On the other hand, the fact that I wanted to commit suicide when the priest was
ringing the doorbell is also a secret which should be mine and only mine! Life is not
merchandise in the shop windows to be looked at by everyone. There is a fight in me
between my life turned upside down and my life that is back on its feet again, in normal
position. Who will win? I feel I need both of them, but no matter how many times I
wonder I still cannot find an answer to the most simple and most difficult question in
my life:"who am I?".
I know my name, I know a whole story about myself, what I like to eat, what I
hate, what I can love but if I think more profoundly, I realize that actually I know
almost nothing of all these. I only have the illusion that I know, actually I don't know
why I was born on this planet where the fight for life can never be bought with the
money of lost moments, through the hard worked palms and the sweated foreheads of
all the dusks that remind us that another day has passed"in vain"!
I have a feeling of uselessness and I think that no matter how many things we do in
our life, no matter how much genius we put in our work, everything is a vanity fair
inside our illusion of life!
"No, father, this is useless…" I said though I had not wanted to.
"Only God can decide upon the reason of things," he said while he was looking at
me as if he wanted to give me radiography with his own eyes.
"I can’t put up any more…" I said without finishing the sentence I had started.
"What is it you cannot put up with any more, Sarah?"
"It’s me, father!"
"Don’t you ever say that again," said the cardinal pondering, while he was gazing
at one of the corners of the room.
"Why?" I asked as if I had been a kindergarten child and the nursery-school
teacher had told her that playing with the fire is not good.
"God gave you this existence so that you take joy in the beauty of the world and
why not, in yourself.
Be happy about yourself, my dear, because if you don’t do so, you will come not
only to hating yourself, but even more, to sow the seeds of hate, pain and sufferance for

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those around you, for the nature surrounding you and which is God, first of all!
Understanding yourself is understanding everything around you, people, animals,
nature, everything from human to wilderness.
Love flowers and the twittering of birds, the roar of the ocean waves, the clouds
full of snows, the trees in blossom, the blooms of trees and the springs of our souls.
"If you only knew, father, how difficult it is for me to love myself and to trust in
me?"
"Why, Sarah?"
"I can’t explain it myself. Maybe if I could understand why I hate myself, why I
don’t believe in me, all the problems would be solved. What is it, father, that you want
to know from me?"
"I’ve told you I don’t know either. All I can say is that finally the question
preceding the answer will come. Destiny told me that you should pray for his soul with
all your heart. He needs praying where he is, just as much as you need here food, air
and water."
"He needs prayer, father," I repeated the priest’s last words.
"Yes, prayer" he repeated as if it was the only thing left to say.
There was silence. Only the rhythmical tick-tocks of the wall clock reminds us that
we are subject to time, that he speaks for us, keeping us sad company with a taste of
passage to death.
After all maybe death is not such a bad thing. We are afraid of death because we
do not understand it.
"We don’t understand death, do we, father?"
"Life does not want to understand death, but what is life?" he said smiling.
"A mere illusion and that’s all, something that actually does not exist, but the
majority fight to save as many possessions as possible in this illusion, fight for power,
social positions and physical or intellectual pleasure."
They want to be"successful", eager for the pillars of life, of the illusion we live,
which are: power, social positions and pleasure!
That's why the fear of death intervenes, because through death we lose all these.
As I see it, the bohemians are real people, the ones who live from day to day, and take
in a certain extent no interest in this charade called life. Occasionally, I hear a stupid
person who cowardly states that God has let us in this miserable world just to polish
ourselves. That we have come as barbarians, as savages, at the plentiful table of the
world, where people intone waltzes and have dinner only using the fork, the spoon, and
the knife. We are not permitted to at with our hand, but if we do so, God smacks our
fingers with a rod, so, people, we should be more civilized! Nonsense, father, all these
are just a way through which we don't accept our miserable cowardice, because we
refuse to admit that God is not only good, but also bad. Because we need a merciful
God. We release Him from all sins, which we attribute to us! Moreover, we refer to the
sins related to our origin, as the original sin. Another reason would be our fear to
discover the dark side of God.
Man has made a pact. He thought that instead of having no shoulder on which to
cry, but an obscure interpretation of God which would have smacked him continually,
he'd rather made a pact with himself, and accept strictly the good aspect of God. When
man accepts that the one we call upon to release our suffering is both good and bad, he
may rediscover his true personality.
This is exactly what mankind cannot agree with, no matter what. Namely, that
oneself can lament to someone who after punishes him and shares to his suffering.At
that moment did man admit only the good side of God,and he had attributed to himself
the dark one,and considered himself the reason of all evils,implicitly of sins.

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"The truth is that I don't know the mistery of life",said the father."all I know until
now is that there is an afterworld,with both good and evil,and in that particular world
oneself is expected,but having first his things put in order in our world.Why should we
prepare,and put our things in order?Why is that father,why are we not born prepared for
this passage?"
"If it were so,we wouldn't be born anymore."
"For who are we suppose to learn,father?For God?"
"We learn in order to drive away our veil of ignorance,so that we could understand
God."
"What if I don't want to be happy, I don't crave for that hapinnes that comes
after,am I convicted to ignorance?Why?"
"Because only if U polish yourself in this existence U manage to understand the
true meaning of God,Sarah!"
"If I don't accept to take this sacrifice,will I torment myself?"
"It may be possible,Sarah!"
"That means that God is also a dictator?"
"How can U affirm such a thing,nun Sarah,precisely in the holy monastery?"
"I am not a coward,father!"
"Even so,you defy God!"pointed out the cardinal while his hand strated to shake.
"Isn't it a fact,father?How do you call a person that does not love God,if not a
proscript?"
"No, Sarah,atheists are not proscribed!"
"But pious one are,father!"
"Yes,because God didn't force them to adopt a certain belief,they did it,in their
capacity of rational human beings!"
"Why is that?"I asked the prelate.
"Perhaps they found life beside God easier."
"If oneself forswears what he have already accepted,it means that he denies his
personality,he denies himself as a human being,and he implicitely becomes a proscript
for himself,and not for God.Whether oneself is or it is not a disciple of a certain belief
in this illusive life,God will love him equally.Oneself must not indulge in
blasphemies.God neither accepts the dogma,nor the politicizing of a certain religion.All
these theories were born from our ignorance,and I think that the good side of God is the
good side of man,as much as the dark side of God is the one of the evil man.Both
qualities and flaws which were assigned to God belong to the human soul.The more
human God is,the closer he gets to us.God is not human,He is God the Divine."
"Aren't the rules of yhe Universe just simple instruments of the divine
dictatureship?It doesn't matter if they are phisical or psychic regularities,they limit our
existence after their own pattern."
"You are absolutely wrong,Sarah!We need both good and evil to make us aware of
our existance.Without a boundary,existence loses its own system and structure,and
consequently,it fades away.The opposites are complementary.Happiness would no
longer exist or would no longer melt like a snow-flake on the forehead of an alpinist,if
it didn't exist suffering,and moreover,a boundery to limit them.We live in a limitated
Universe,because we are aware of our acts.When all these disappeared,the Universe of
rugularities would also stop to exist.Everything that has a limit is liable to
regularity.Bounderies give birth to values for which we may or may not long for,but the
primordial thing is that that we are aware of these values."
"Thus, father, God shows a plentiful table to a famished man,closed in a cage,
where he hasn't eaten anytging for almost a week,and says to him<<if you educate your
savage behaviour in another world,it will come a moment when you will get a crumb

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from this copious meal,but if not,you just watch and bare...>>Is this the kindness of
God?"
"Sarah, I believe you have a false interpretation of God.People tend to attribute to
God everything that happens in their lives.Often,they attribute God with the tributary
imperfection of the human soul in this absolute illusive life,as we had already
discussed."
"I wish you were more explicit,father!"
"It's true,Sarah,that if oneself wants to understand God,he must pay a price,but
would he be happier if that price didn't exist?"
"This price is part of the illusion of life,father?"
"Yes,Sarah,it may not exist in reality,as a matter of fact,it doesn't,but this price is
something else."
"What exactly,father?"
"I cannot say,Sarah,what hides behind this price,behind this polishing necessary
for understanding God.All I know and feel,is that this price is formed of Godlike
Light,kindness and help."
"Perhaps I don't want to pay this price,I might wish for a world in which I don't
have to pay any price,but not as the one of Nirvana,father."
"Everyone has the liberty to believe whatever he wants and in whoever he
wishes,but from my perspective,I think you are wrong,nun Sarah.In a world of
Nirvana,you obtain that perfect peace,which is death itself.You end up in a world in
which you no longer know what happiness and suffering trully are."
"It may be better this way,father,because for a grain of happiness,we must endure
all this suffering."
"When I stepped in the other dimension,I had the chance to understand the divine
world of God.I cannot express in words the beatitude and fillingI have felt.It is also true
that penitence and suffering are needed for reaching the afterworld.Firstly,you should
think positively in life,and especially,when wishing the access to God,your mind should
be at ease with all things you have left on earth,because all are pure vanity."
"What about love,father?If I loved my husband and had children,would that be
vanity?"
"For the moment I don't know for sure whether everything is considered to be
vanity."
"Hmm,I tend to think that it is true because of the illusion of life."
"That would mean that our life was just a lie,which I cannot accept."
"Why not,father?"
"It is not in the nature of things.Then I wonder why do we live this nightmare?"
"I wish I knew it!"I said indignantly.
"I wish I knew it too,nun Sarah."the priest said with a trembling voice,but full of
indignation too.
"Even so,father,we were given a paradise towards which we were suppose to wish
to ascende."
"Sure,Sarah."
"Is it so relevant the moment of death related to our final destination,the paradise?"
"Yes.First of all,when that time comes,you should think positively,because that
moment stands for your union with the eternity.You should set your spirit free,erase eny
negative factor from your soul,such us:hatred,cowardness,lie,defamation,avarice,and
especially the sorrow for this world."commented the father,plunged into deep thought
more than atentive to the discussion.
"I firmly disagree,father.How cannot oneself feel sorrow for a world in which he
loved?In which you had friends,relatives,lovers that you left behind?How can oneself

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disown his entire past just for a place in paradise?Is not wrong to deny your good
side?If that was so,why did we have to polish ourselves,to draw together the positive
part of our existence?We are requested for a thing just that afterwards to be asked to
give it up,why?Is it logical to put everything aside,to dedicate entirely to God,when all
your life you have been taught how to love,how to take to your equals,to nature?Why
did nobody ask for all these?Just for the fun of God or for making our way through
paradise even harder?A paradise that we wished only when we couldn't have stand
misery,humility and the earthly untruths?A paradise that we ardently needed to exist
almost as we needed our every day food?A world without heaven can be called
paradise,father?"
"I don't understand your theory,Sarah."
"A world in which we had not known that Heaven existed,or better said,we had
fancied it as a place with<<green lawns,mirific nature and a life without concerns and
troubles>>,would have still existed on Earth the paradise of nature,beauty and
love,which should eternalize with the paradise of the afterworld in the very moment of
death?"
"What do you clame,Sarah,that God didn't create the paradise?"
"Absolutely not,father!I tend to believe that God had created a lot of other tings
before he created the human soul,which was also a emanation of his predecessor,just
like men have created Hell and Heaven!Undoubtedly,at the origin of all things stays
God,but God involved himself only in the process of creation,afterwords,everything
evoluated through determination from <<father to child>>,meaning from cause to
effect,so that,finally,the effect itself turned into the very cause that would determine
another effect and so on and so forth.I think that heaven and hell are just an invention of
our mind,and the only way in which we can find the truth about this is in ourselves,not
outside our personality.Now,how will something strictly positive continue to exist if the
negative side disintegrates?"
"What's your purpose in this conversation,nun Sarah?"
"You were saing that when the time of death came,we should get in front of God as
clean and dry as possible.Just like in that advertising for pads cleaner and drier. But in
order to be clean,shouldn't we be filthy,at first?How can something positive exist
without its contrast?Thus,where do we hide our hatred and vanity towards this
miserable world?Where do we leave our anxiety of the moment?In God's arms,you will
answer.Don't you think this is just another story in which not even 2 year children
believe?Haven't those pure souls,with all their positivity have something negative?How
would oneself be aware of his goodness,if he didn't ascribe to the negative,although he
didn't resort to it?"
"Sarah,it is one thing to ascribe to the negative,chasing it away,and another to let
the negative factor live in our thoughts,will and love!"
"Thus,father,hard as it may be to seek for perfection,it will always ascribe to
imperfection.Would angels be so cherubic without the existence of demons?Towards
who would they ascribe their brilliance?Any positive factor depends on its contrary."
"That's right,Sarah,but this truth is as false as the illusive reality we are living in
is."
"Why father?"
"Because we are tributary to the logic that measures our own illusion of life!Only
now I realize better than ever,Sarah,what the factor that determines telluric suffering
are.That is <<to believe and to know that we exist,meaning to be and not to be in the
same time>>,said the father with an enlightened look.
"That's right,father,but don't we have the notion of sel-knowledge from
God?Leaving aside the stories related to the apple bitten by Eve,this is just a symbol.A

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symbol of an elder insubordination,from the beginnings of the world?If this
insubordination had existed,why did God permitted us to procreate?He was aware that
we would know what suffering would be like.For the lust of one woman should suffer
the entire humanity?I found it exaggerated!"
"God could not be so cynical,Sarah!"
"I know,father,but what really happened in that crucial moment,when man aware
of that, had entered exactly in the inferno of life?"
"That is for us to find out,Sarah!"
"Why did you remind me that logic measures our own illusion of life,father?"
"The basis of our logic lie in two contraries,the positive and the negative or to be
and not to be concomitently.Thus,in dualism,we are the slave of logical dualism.We can
only think at this dual level,not at one of 3,7,a million,a billiard or at a level of infinite
similar factors,like the positive and the negative,the good or the bad,the beautiful and
the ugly.Everything is dual.Thus,our existence is subdued to dual logic and the illusion
of factor has the 2 factor."
"What does that mean,father?"
"Imagine that beside the negative and the positive are 7,a million or a billiard of
billiards of other factors just as the two that we can barely understand.In this illusion of
life we are permitted to know only the facts that are or are not.Thus, to be or not to be.
Not only we don't understand the other factors,but we will never manage to do,although
we consider ourselves omniscient,but moreover,we are not even birthly programmed by
God to understand at least one of these extra factors.We are not even at the level of a
vegetable towards a man of science or a genius ascribed to the beautiful mind of a
single spirit from a world where the 3rd factor of logic exists among the two ones of our
mind..What if we compare it to a billiard logical factors' world,what will humanity
represent,what are our true origins?"
"There are people who operates with billiard of factors,do they know the Basic
Truth,father?"
"Absolutely not,Sarah!There is a great difference between a billiard and the
infinite.Basic Truth can be discovered by the medium of logic that operates with an
infinite of such factors.We haft to pass through so many phases,dear Sarah,to
distinguish good from evil!"
"I agree with you,father,only that beside good and evil,there are also a billiard of
factors!"
"Exactly,Sarah!"
"Then,father,if the way to the absolute is so enormoaus and infinite,does
Revelation have a place somewhere in this dual system,with the two contraries?"
"Any extinction of one of the worlds is a new beginning,so the Revelation and the
Universe are only inside us!Once we pass in the afterworld,the whole Universe we have
explored for all our earthly life will continue to exist beside us,carried in our ancestral
mind."
Thus,the Universe will never extinct,not because we will keep it alive in our
souls,but because he had never existed,only in a dream called Fate,in an existence
called life,beside stars,flowers,galaxies,hatred,love,envy and many other until
death.Listen to me,Sarah,the Revelation does not,and it will never exist.It will always
be seen as a new beginning.During our life,we perceive it as a simple necessity,a sort of
pier of humanity,on which we prop, taciturn and obedient,thinking that where a
biginning is there will be an end.Because our birth stands for the beginning and our
death for the end.We are too ignorant to realize that the concept of phisic and spiritual
Universe will not get to extinction,because it had not even started in order to extinct.
I am aware of the dificulty of this high level of thinking,but both the beginning and

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the end,seen from the perspective of the infinite factors of the astral and spiritual
logic,bring to the consecutive annihilation of the two opposite factors,the beginning and
the end.
We can talk here about a non-beginning and an end in terms of an infinite of
factors of the logic? Of course not!
Thus, Sarah, as we don’t know the difference between evil and good, as one of us
want the eternal happiness without being aware what this means if we receive it!
Can we know if the eternal happiness in Nirvana is good for us?
"You are right, father, I think the Apocalypse id necessary for human beings, a
template of these as they see God! When the Apocalypse wouldn't exist in their souls,
they would become so desperate and alienated that they would need to frame up their
own dream of Apocalypse only and only for the man that doesn’t have the concept of
end in his consciousness, becomes automatically distorted entering in a process of self
destruction.
We are living a dream that doesn’t permit us to get out of its standards.
All the same, father, why are we doomed to agonize during this dream that is our
life?"
"Why?" asked me the father while beads of sweat dripped on his forehead.
"Yes, father, I want to know why! Why are we doomed top climb the Golgotha
from the day we are born. Why are we doomed to become Sisyphus?"
"In the Holy Bible, the Apocalypse is not the end of the world, but a new
beginning. Even if one day there will be no day! The Earth, as the physical body won’t
exist in this form, but its dust will be spread through any corner of the Universe,
bringing with it the poetry that was within the time without time, as a little souvenir of
the Beauty of God that was admired by us, people! Even if our star, the Sun, will fade
away and disappear incorporating in other galaxies that maybe weren’t witnesses of
some love whispers or launches of artistic works, it will smile with its stellar dust from
somewhere else lightening those that will know they are somewhere into another
Universe!
Maybe somewhere, somehow we will know why we fought our own life!
All the same, this"somewhere, somehow" is inappropriate as we think depending
on the temporality and spatiality dimensions and"there" these dimensions are useless".
"I think I know, father, whom we owe the dualism in logic. This"to be or not to be"
the contraries"positive and negative"?
"Whom?" sister Sarah.
"Space and time!"
"That’s truth, Sarah. You are totally right this time. If together with the spatial and
temporal dimensions there weren't the third dimensional factor, the dualism of our logic
wouldn’t exist and instead of positive and negative would be a third factor."
"What should I understand, father? That the physical dimensions develop our
psychical capacities, including logic?"
"Yes, Sarah, but don’t forget that the respective logic is the logic of life illusion!"
"What do you mean, father?"
"The life illusion is the one that divulges us the basic dimensions, that is space and
time would be"physical" dimensions and in reality it is not like that. The space and time
are dimensions as"Psychical" as our thought. These dimensions become physical only
in the dream that we call so grandiose, life."
"What can be the space and the time, father?"
"Nothing more than ourselves, Sister Sarah!"
"In a word, are we the space and time?!"
"Yes, Sarah, we are the space and time!"

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"All the same, father, why do we feel as three-dimensional beings and not twodimensional?
What give birth to the third-dimension in our life illusion? Why is logic
based on to be or not to be, positive and negative and not on the third factor? It looks
very strange to me that, instead of being two-dimensional beings, we are threedimensional!"
"That’s true, Sarah, because we see the three-dimensionality only spatial and not
temporal in our illusion in spite of the three times, past, present and future! There is also
the third factor in our existence, Sarah, and we will be there, too."
The third factor is the saint factor of life!
We don't feel or know but a dimension of the temporality. We have the illusion of
living in the present. Without present, the future and the past are useless as they identify
one into the other, remaining only one temporal dimension.
The present is the great paradox of the time in the Life Illusion. Although we are
doomed to live only in present, this is the only one that we don’t know and we aren’t
aware of its existence!
How big is the present before becoming past or which is the limit between present
and future? Is it a second? A split second or nothing? In reality and not within the Life
Illusion, there isn‘t present and this is not a border between the past and the future
because the time doesn’t"flow" but within our Life Illusion. The time is a dimension
that is reflected in our Life Illusion, as we feel it, but in another dream. Time could be,
as in reality, space or another factor that we cannot determinate since we are not"built"
for this.
This is as we would ask a flower to write and give theories on the theory of
relativity or human genetic code.
As the spatial dimension, it has only one dimension although we perceive it threedimensionally.
The depth, length, width aren’t part of the spatial three-dimensionality,
but of reality, they are only simple attributes of the space.
It is very incorrect to state"the space with n dimensions" because the correct form
is:"the spatial dimensions with n attributes given by the Life Illusion!"
"I understand, father, but why do you perceive the world three-dimensionally and
not two-dimensionally? Why do we"know" that there are those three attributes of the
spatial dimension? Why three?
"Of course there is a third factor, a third dimension together with space and time in
the middle of which we are situated, but we cannot distinguish it with the our Life
Illusion.
"Thus, if we cannot distinguish it, it cannot reflect in our logic", I told to the father
surprised.
I couldn’t believe that there were other people as profound as Sorin...
"This is only a small part of the Basic Truth that we try to see through the Life
Illusion, supported by the unconventional logic."
"We are in a Universe or world where there are three dimensions, but we can only
see two, the space and the time!"
"This is true, Christine. We are in a Spiritual Level with three dimensions made up
of space, time and another dimension imperceptible to our feelings."
"Which can be this dimension, father? I don’t expect you to tell me exactly,
because we cannot distinguish it, but at least what and how do you think it would be?"
"The space wouldn’t have the three attributes that we call incorrectly spatial
dimensions, time wouldn’t be perceived as past, present and future if the third
dimension or the third factor didn’t exist next to space and time. Both space and time
have three attributes each. Each attribute should be balanced with the number of
dimensions as each dimension has one attribute of the other two and one fro itself.
All that I can state is that the interference of the three dimensional attributes with

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each dimension is made at the level of time with the present attribute and curved space.
Because we don't feel the third dimension, but we figure it out. This is the same
with the present that, although we live it, we cannot determine its limit or existence but
generally of an incredible virtue."
"Yes, father..."
"The future is a time more or less long that will become history more or less long,
but the present doesn’t exist in the Life Illusion. Thus, the past becomes future and the
future becomes past. The third factor is the one that maintain the present in time."
"But why curve to space, father?"
"Because, no matter how much you chase the infinite, going far away from the
point, you will come back to that point, eventually. This proves us again that the space
has only one real dimension. The spatial attributes are part of the Life Illusion, of the
dream we dream that is due to the third factor or the third dimension together with
space and time which are in fact our life."
"This is why we cannot perceive God, but we know the other two factors that
surround Him, Time and Space. Physically speaking,the vacuum is the 3rd factor."
"And psychically speaking,father?"
"Mentally,it is what gives birth to life,but not the soul."
"Incredible,father,so the soul is…"
"Yes,Sarah,our soul is imprisoned in this dimension!A dimension that we are
forbidden to understand,to tuoch."
"That means we will never obtain self-knowledge,father?"
"To my regret,yes,Sarah!"
"We are sentenced to be born and die in ignorance,father!What is our destiny in
this Illusion of Life?"
"This is the great destiny of humankind,Sarah!"
"What happens after death,father?"
"We leave behind the dimension of life in order to enter another one,depending on
how <<ready we are>> to be accepted."
"How come,father?"
"We haft to accommodate with the Universe in wich we enter. For a dimension,
superiour to the telluric one, we will surely have to relieve ourselves of certain negative
aspects of our spiritual personality, but we may also enter a spiritual dimension without
having our souls purified, which will make us feel horrible, because"there", we cannot
have what we think we deserve for merit."
Thus, God asks us to polish ourselves through goodness, generosity, in order to
become better both with ourselves and with our fellowers.
"Good Lord, help us! I said to him."
"Yes,Sarah,God help us!Amen!
That’s why we shouldn’t estrange from God, even He is denominated as a
Buddhist,Brahman,Islamist,Orthodox,Jew or as the other religions brought
together.Even atheists heve their own God,and that is nature."
"So,is God absolutely good,father?Is He that light at the end of the tunnel to which
we hope to get?Much as we may want to belong to one religion,we lie ourselves
because the human soul would get to self-distruction through its own consciousness,if
during its ephemeral telluric existence he didn’t aspire to an ideal.Thus,I truly believe in
the sintagme:How many people,so many Gods!,although these other Gods are the
multiple masks of just one God,simple interpretations reflected and sifted by each one’s
conscience,a spirit that desperately needs the Godlike Light."
"So,God is absolutely good,father?God referes to everything that is
kind,generous,loving,thus,everything that we wish to become or receive."

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"Yes,Sarah,God identifies Himself with the path to which we aspire,in order to be
kinder,and to have our dreams come true.Thus,we have discovered the presence of time
since ancient times.Then,we have attributed to Him other qualities,but,undoubtedly,God
has many other qualities which we are not aware of."
"Practically,father,we cannot entirely know the divine attributes of God,thus we
cannot understand more than the dimension of the 3rd factor alows us,where we are
caught as in a veritable trap."
"You are right,Sarah,we are limited beside time and space,and we ardently need
the presence of God,because our soul is born to be unlimited,and the divinity takes
away from the infinity a grain of hope that goes beyond the present moment,and the
smallest micron from the air,leaving us the impresion that we finally,will dive the ocean
of bounlessness,from where the grain has been sent to us,so that our functions full of
our existence’s sweat should chill aut with it in the desert of the words’ fire with the
will to communicate and understand."
"Consequently,father,the time and space,these two dimensions have given birth to
the two opposite poles,the two contraries,the good and the bad,the beautiful and the
ugliness,and so on and so forth?"
"Exactly,Sarah!"
If we had known the 3rd factor beside the good and the bad,would we have had a
3rd term?""
"The answer is in the Dimension of Life,which we are not permitted to
understand.."
"You refer to the vacuum that surrounds the stars and the galaxies,don’t you?"
"It may be so,Sarah!"
"Thus,father,the 3rd factor,which is the 3rd dimension,actually stands for the
Dimension of Life?"
"Yes,Sarah!"
"If we aspire to the positive values that we attribute to God,what exactly belongs to
the positive and in what amount
of time and space?
Pysically,of course,because psychically,we know that the positive is perceived as
being the good,the beautiful,kindness,love,etc. In change,physically speaking,we don’t
know what exactly belongs to the Divinity.We are sure about only one thing,father,that
the"physical" point of view is the same with the"psychical"one,it is also a component of
the Illusion of Life,but it is us who perceive it as" physical".
"Everything has to belong to God,even the time;but also the space,the
beautiful,even the ugliness,and,undoubtedly,the 3rd segment:the Dimension of Life!"
"Then,why do we have a physical and a spiritual world,father?
Why is the spiritual logic dual,trapped between the borders of the two
posibilities:"to be or not to be",between to exist and not to exist,and the physical one is
three-dimensional?
I understood when you explained to me the theory of the 3rd
dimension,respectively the Dimension of Life and why we are tributary in this life not
only to time,space,and the two dimensions,but also to the Dimension of Life.
Shouldn’t the psychical world be as three-dimensional as the physical one?
What is the role of God in the difference between these two worlds as illusive as
the Illusion of our Life?
What about the 3rd one,respectively the Dimension of Life?"
"The Dimension of Life allows us to see and feel three-dimensional,but to think
two-dimensional,as we depend on the two contraries.This mean that the Dimension of
Life belongs to the the psychical Universe and that’s why it is reflected in the physical

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Universe,which is a different world deprived of the dimension of life."
"Do you claim that the physical world is not a component of our Universe?"
"It is not and it has never been,Sarah!We only have the impresion that it belongs to
our Universe,and we find it even more peculiar because we don’t know our own
Universe,and moreover,we refer to an unknown world with the notion of"Our
Universe".
"What do you claim, father,that all the existent stars and galaxies, and those that
will be discovered, are not components of our Universe?"
"They belong to the Universe,but not to our Universe."
"How about rocks,buildings,trains,and others similar to those,which are
inanimated,aren’t they part of our Universe?The lamp on this office, the telephone,all
these?"
"Absolutely not,Sarah,those are just notions with which the Illusion of Life
operates.The telephone can be as well a typing machine,or the train an aeroplane,or an
overflow canal."
"I feel desolated, father!"
"Thus, pray to God. Only He can truly help you in such moments."
"Amen, father!"
"Our human existence would have surely been different if we had lived in time or
space defined dimensions. There, Life could have become Time or Space or any
another thing, and we could have experienced this dimension that we are now trapped
in; or then again, perhaps not. In any case, we can’t imagine an existence where Life
belongs to Time or Space. We don’t even know if in a world like this, what is here call
the Dimension Life would play any role, and what that role would be. I wish I saw a
society in such dimension."
"Some day, father, you might get to know one! I said to the priest, in a voice full of
unexplained thrill."
"And how do you picture this kind of society, Sarah?"
In a world where Life means Space, maybe people are crystals; and if life is time,
people are a simple gust of wind. It’s a mere guess. I might be wrong, but still, if I’m
not?"
"Could you be more explicit, Sarah?"
"People living in Space dimension could feel or see Life dimension the same way
that we feel time in our world."
"So what you’re saying is that for them, Life is Space?"
"That’s right, father!"
"That’s interesting, Sarah".
"Maybe in a much different world, life would mean time or any other thing the
existence of which we don’t even know of."
"And why do you think that?"
"Because, since our soul has all these three dimensions, then in it can in fact
cohabitate three worlds, and if for each dimension there is a world, then, father, that
dimension becomes Life for those who"live" there. But, if as we already said before, the
three dimensions mix together, then their worlds too must do the same.
Us too, we might be plants or animals in those dimensions, and here we are human
beings, though we don’t know of us being plant or animal, because our conscience is
present only in that dimension that for us means Life!"
"I can understand now from another point of view too why, due to the binary logic
of opposite things we live in the third dimension but are mentally trapped in in a
bidimensional world."
"So, father?"

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"There are three worlds in our spiritual Level: Space, Time and the third, our
world. That is, only physically, because mentally speaking, there are only the other two,
and our universe interferes with the three dimensions mentioned only physically and
mentally only with two.
In consequence, physically speaking, Life mixes with Time and Space dimensions
as well as with its’ own dimensionality, but mentally speaking, it interferes only with
the other two, without adding our own dimension, because that would mean we knew
our destiny, our human condition, for which we are born and die, we would have
learned the truth about us, thing that apparently would have ruined us to such an extent
that the mental equilibrium of our own existence would have been so damaged that an
existence like this had been impossible; and so, only because there’s a hope that
promises us that some day we won’t be strangers of ourselves anymore, the lie about us,
that is partly true was born".
"What is then, the difference between the physical and mental world, when in fact
they are both mental dimensions, subjected to the Illusion of Life?"
"The difference is given by the relation of inclusion and interference between the
factor of Life and the other dimensions which are also factors of Life,but for other
worlds.It is a sort of principle of complementarity:"The outerspace"Life" can become
time or space in our world,so can the"life" of time.What is essential is that one of the
dimensions is superiour to the dimension of our"Life",which will be an attribute for the
dimension he represents,and in the detriment of the other dimension.We speak
about"physical"when the Factor of Life intersects with the dimension seen from the
perspective of our"inferiour" world,but not when it comes of the"psychical"
world,where,after the interference between the Dimension of Life and a superiour
dimension,only two coordinates remain,and those are reflected in the psychical human
world through the two contraries!The superiour Dimension will annul to the Dimension
of Life the chance to reflect its existence as part of it or the inferiour one,which
becomes an attribute of dimensional existence of space.All I can say here,is that this
superiour dimension stands for the time and that psychical life of humans is influenced
by time!Space only influences the physical life of people!"
"Why time,father?"
"Because at the interference of the Dimension of Life with space,the last one
becomes three-dimensional thus to the Factor of Life,space itself and time.Here,in the
physical world, time identifies with the dimension,through the fact that it atrributes to
space the 3rd dimensional segment,but not in the psychical world where,in the case of
the two contraries,,we meet only the time and space,without the Dimension of
Life,which time doesn’t permit it to be reflected in the THIRD contrary."
"With all these,father,I am curious to know what you think the world of the space
and time would look like."
"These worlds also belong to the Spiritual Level of the Three-
Dimensionality,Sarah!So,they are sort of similar to our world."
"Do they have their own history and culture?"
"Undoubtedly,Sarah,I think that these worlds are exactly like our."
"Do they have differences?"
"Yes,Sarah!"
"And what might these be?"
"I cannot give you an exact answer,but the fact that each one is bordered upon
other dimensions different from ours,it means that some aspects from their existence are
different."
"Please,father,be more explicit!"
"Our world is on the one side limited by the world of space,and on the other side

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by the one of time.On the other hand,each one of these worlds has another world as
neighbour,which is a difference,because those too will intersect with the other
neighbour worlds,so different from the Dimension of Life.All I can say,Sarah,is that
one of them,the world of space more precisely,is inferiour to our world,because it
becomes limited,altough it belongs to our three-dimensional level,with a twodimensional
system of the world.The other world,of the time,is superiour to us,because
it belongs not only to our three-dimensional level,but also to the the four-dimensional
one,because of the interference with its neighbour.In contrary,our world might be at
such sort of boundery and perhaps,exactly this thing causes the difference between the
physical and psychical dimensions.Physically,we might have alredy entered the
threedimesionality,
but psychically, we are in the two-dimensionality. Everything is posible,
Sarah!"
"I wish I could travel through these worlds,to feel their pulse,to undersatnd more
than can be understood."
"I wish I could do this too,but I don’t know how."
"When Destiny was alive,he once told me about Lama,a man that knew how to
separate himself from his body in order to travel outerspace."
"Thus,Sarah,everything is vanity."
"Even geniality,father?"
"I had known I had to come here and ask you to pray for Destiny’s soul.I had
known that not only this aspect was essential,but,fistly,the fact that I would find an
answer,and I didn’t find it until this moment.It is the question I have just put :"is
geniality also vanity?"
Through geniality we understand the top of the iceberg,the existence of values and
perhaps the unique escape from the core of the Factor of Life, from the Spiritual Level
of the Three-Dimensionality.
Only when you release yourself from here,the divine inspiration intervenes,the
only one that can exceedes The Dimension of Life.Thus,the divine inspiration is
VANITY?
Under these circumstances,even God would be vanity,which I strongly
disagree.Then?Where should the Afterworld be,in the 3rd dimension or in the 4th one?
Or, depending on your personal evolution in the Dimension of Life, will you go for
the one with 4 dimensions or for the one with 3?I don’t know for sure, but I strongly
wish I could find out.This may be the reason why I want to be taught how to abandon
the celestial body.
"Sarah, please remember, who was that Lama?"
"I think his name was Den Zing, yes, undoubtedly, he was Lama Den Xing.If we
want to meet him,we will have to go to Tibet."
"Thus, Sarah, will you come with me?"
"Absolutely, father!".

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Chapter 6
Somewhere in the valley, there were seen the clouds and the trace of the winds that
shapes them like a potter, the earth that comes to life, out of the twist of the ancestral
time, on the wheel of vanity. We are not far from lamasery. Once, this path was crossed
by Sorin, too. Maybe he was, also, looking for an answer to a question he didn't know,
just like us.
The cold nestled inside me, similar to life that I have to bear since I was born.
Other type of clouds, but higher, celebrates our arrival with a snowflake. Silver
moss on the bold cliffs is powdered, here and there, with the welcoming whispers of the
clouds.
We’ve left America for more than two weeks. We’ve been crossing these
mountains paths, together with a few şerpaşi for more than a week. We could cover this
ground in a day or two, but the old and sick father couldn’t cover it but with long and
frequent halts.
We are greeted by a group of monks with tile-coloured robes that welcome us in
the lamasery situated two steps before us, with a reverent bow.
I know that father Mc Coulough has the face so red giving the impression that in
the second moment will explode and he breathes harder and harder, but, all the same, he
doesn’t want another stop. He keeps step, as serious as he can do it, after the donkeys
packed and framed by the serpasi.
Finally, we are in the lamasery. I think it is for the first time when a high catholic
priest accompanied by a nun arrives in this lamasery. The monks we pass by take a bow
as a welcoming sign. We are served with a kind of hot drink. I figure it on the steam
that goes out of the mug. Both the father and I we sip this liquid which I think it is a
kind of tea, honey and yak milk. A monk said: „Tsampa". I am sure this is the name of
the drink. After sipping our Tsampa we are brought inside the temple. Once entered, we
felt a pungent odour of flavours. It smells like musk associated with different perfumes,
incense and myrrh, becoming more surprising and mysterious, as it was associated with
the monks' incantations.
I hardly see at the altar, right in front of us, the great Lama Tibetan Den Xing, the
one Sorin talked once, this Lama that thought Sorin how to fight against the forces of
other worlds to save Irena’s souls.
Lama beckons to us to come closer. Once, Sorin was in this temple. I don’t know I
keep telling myself this sentence. I cannot believe I am here to, today, years after his
death, tohether with Lama Den Xing and the cardinal Anthony Mc Coulough. Two
religions that meet, looking one for each other to distinguish a truth that, was probably,
found by Sorin or maybe, just like us, he knew it existed, but he was looking for the
question to find the answer. Both Lama and the Cardinal, met Sorin, one in life and the
other none in death.

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"Welcome, says Lama, standing from the Lotus position he was in, slightly bowing
his forehead and making room foe us to sit on the tile-coloured stools."
"I am glad to have you as guests here. Just like, long ago, I waited to see Sorin.
Lama ruminates for a few seconds, and then exclaims: Sorin! Yes, Sorin, because,
definitely each person born or unborn and who died and who will die should be called
Destiny because we all are a Destiny, no matter how much we want to escape or to hide
by this nickname that we have to carry always because, talking all in all, we are Destiny
ourselves and running from your Destiny means running from yourself! As I was once
waiting for Destiny, I've been waiting for you now."
"Do you predict the future, Lama? said the father looking towards a few aromatic
sticks that burnt delicately as a thank-offering for the unbound Gods of a storm came
form the heart of very faithful monk."
"I know certain aspects from the future, said Lama rather irritated being aware of
the fact that the father asks him for certain reasons."
"In our religion, Lama, the predicators are not welcomed, I interceded, trying to
mend the matters."
"It is true, Lama, interfered the father, but, in this case maybe God Itself is the One
that knows the future because we are looking for the answer at one question: „- Is
Geniality vanity, too?"
I was in death Lama, but I came back in this world, to find a question and an
answer. I found the question, but not the answer. I found out, Lama, that there are
worlds in which time or space is the dimension of their live, and the dimension of our
life in those worlds can be, at its turn, space or time."
"I’ve already known all these, father, said Lama in a different manner. You, as a
priest, have another vision of life that I do. The After-life of your religion is totally
different from our beliefs."
"I was in the After-Life, Lama! interceded the father."
"That is why we are here, Lama, because we want to understand if the After-life is
the same, if the Genius in the After-life is reflected somehow or is lost?"
"Nothing is lost, saidLama. Using the term of Genius, we mean that Creator that
went beyond teh barriers of the normal reaching the sensational summits of reasoning
many times irrational and maybe more than that, the insanity of the geniality..."
"Do we truly know, in the Illusion of life that we live, what the geniality is as long
as we don’t know the Basic Truth or at least, one little piece of it?
What if a mountain is a monastery or a cloud, and the rain a temple? What if in this
moment, we are in a substation in a large city and not in a lamasery?
We, don’t even know who we are, how can we understand the geniality? Along our
history we considered geniality to belong to certain illustrious creators.
Were they genius?
Even if their work dies along with the disappearance of the planet, with the death
of the Sun or it bears down the worlds feeding the astral music of the Universe with its
beauty?
Before dying, Lama, I was different. I was nothing else, but a priest set in dogma
and doctrines, but also liar and hypocrite towards all these.
The true religion doesn’t mean dogma or doctrines to conquer the power on the
believers’ market.
The true religion is not and cannot be an outlet or a car made out of money, fame
and power. It is something else and this is what I couldn’t find out not even in death. It
doesn’t matter who you were, but what you did and all this in case the After Life is not
an illusion just as the Illusion of Life.
I have to find out a tiny par of the Basic Truth and maybe that part will be the

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answer to the question, if geniality is vanity. If everything, but absolutely everything,
including geniality, is vanity, this means that nobody and nothing can save this world
from total destruction and thus neither the After-World would exist without Our World.
Can the After-World be part of the Spiritual Level of the Three-Dimension, where
the time of our world become space and the Dimension of Life become something else?
Maybe that is why I am here.
I figured out, Lama, that my whole life I did nothing else but love vanity,
represented by positions, money, and many other things that made me forget that each
moment is infinite more precious that the money I earned, or the positions, fame or
power! All these because, with each moment I got close to death!
Once you lost your life at the vanity’s roulette, it will be lost forever.
I would give anything to find out if we are born with our lives lost before being
born, because, in this case, the After-World would have no sense, as the reward of your
deeds has been already influenced before making them.
I want to know if everything is lost forever for us or geniality is what saves us?
If so, that what’s the difference between the common people and the genius and
who’s the genius?
Is the genius the vanity of common people?
Is the genius the common people that augments both his qualities and their reverse,
his contraries with his good and wrong transformed in peaks of icebergs within the
ocean of knowledge, where the highest peak is the Vanity Massif that nobody, with his
brilliant good and wrong, doesn’t succeed in climbing it, watching from its base foe a
time equal to the human kind?
Who knows?
I incline to believe that the genius is the sum of the simplest feelings of the
common people.
The further you are from these feelings in abstract, from these experiences, the
further you are from geniality!
"Than, what’s the religion, father? said Lama in a soft voice."
"The true religion is that which tells you if life is lost to the dice of the own
Destiny by a certain Divinity, before you are born or not, becoming thus vanity. It is
that which won’t let you love the vanity, but won’t let you love the damnation, either,
or the life lost before or after being born. For the Christians, Jesus Christ is very
significant, for Islam the Prophet Mahomed, for the Jews Moses, for Buddhists Budha,
for Brahmans Brahma, for Egyptians Ra, for Aztecs Viracocha, for Mayas Quetzalcoatl,
and the list could go on.
I would like to find out which of these are located in other worlds? Were they let
by God to be only in Our World with Destiny? What is Destiny?"
"I will talk you to other worlds with me, said Lama. For this, you should exercise,
maybe entire months, here in the lamasery."
"I want Lama, more that anything", I answered.
"It stands no reason for me", said the father, too.
"What I haven’t tell you so far, is that I traveled in the worlds where the Essence of
Life, that is, the third dimension, the Dimension of Life together with space and time,
was as in Our World. I am aware of the fact that if I go beyond the Dimension of Life, I
could never come back in Our World. I meditated to the alternative to try to go beyond
the barrier that separates the Worlds with the Dimension of Life that contains the third
dimension exactly as in Our World than the Worlds where the Dimension of Life
doesn’t contain this dimension as in Our World. In the end, I realize that my aspiration
is to travel through these worlds although it is no turning back path.
" I would like to pass the barrier, Lama, I said without a murmur.

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"Don’t you fear the unknown? Lama asked me.
"No, no matter how beautiful or fearful it would be!
"I want to cross the barrier that I might have crossed when I came back from
death."
"We will see if the After World is somewhere, in a field where the Dimension of
Life is similar as in this existence or in a field where time and space takes the place of a
third dimension of Life of Our World. We can not come back from there and we would
not know where we are."
"I want us to choose exactly the After World", said the father.
"Why?" asked Lama.
" Why" said I mechanically.
"Because the real answer to the question if genius is vanity or not we could find in
there, in the first place. I could not be totally right in what I say, but my intuition says to
look there."
"Maybe we can find such an answer in the Beforehand World", interfered Lama.
We will see if we succeed in entering in such a World or if we go astray, without a
target in the Universe. We don’t know where the Beforehand World or the After World
are located. They could largely have the following pattern: Within the Beforehand
World, the Dimension of Life must be made of the spatial dimension, and the After
World of the temporal dimension of Our World. What I can say is that the Beforehand
World is bi-dimensional, having as Dimension of Life, the spatial dimension, and the
After World has four dimensions, having the Dimension of life made of the temporal
dimension.
Thus, we die in space to birth in Our World, where we will die to rebirth in time.
"Maybe pain, as we know it also belongs to the physical Universe." I was
impressed when Lama stated that the inferior world from where we come was the
physical world that belonged to Space and Our World was nothing else but an
intermediary world between the spatial and temporal worlds.
This means that the stars with their stunning beauty as well as the planets are
remains of Our World, of an inferior world that we passed through, and the Dimension
of our Life since ever was the astral plasma! I don’t know if there, we have the notion
of temporality.
It is so warm and nice in this room. It smells like quince. One day, a monk brought
me some quinces that I put above the bed. Full moon sends its rays of physical body on
me. Maybe once I was the Moon, too, maybe I was eternal, unknowing the time
existence.
How would I be in the World of Time where it will become Factor of Life? Would
I be eternal as my life will be the time itself? I will see. Light, eh light, what is it?
The Dimension of Life, from a passed world where the Moon is, sends me rays of
light.
All the celestial bodies are Factors of life in their world.
I hope I will find soon the light love story. I sit on the bed. I don't see it as a bed,
but as a launching platform. I watch the big, phosphorescent clock on the wall. It’s nine
and a half. Nine and a half, I keep telling myself as I wouldn’t have understood and
known the clock. Suddenly, an atavistic fear embarrass my thoughts, as a chain. I
needn’t be scared.
We all owe the dream wager to whom the Destiny sold us, a death, sooner or later.
In my opinion, it doesn't matter how long you live, but how you live.
In a way, what I do is trying to dare my own death, to welcome it at the half dusty
path of life and laugh in its face.
I am so sarcastic sometimes, taking all in all, this miserable death is mine as well

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as the Past.
It is my future. This is the future if each being: death, a rebirth? From time to time,
the monks’ incantations break through the flavour of quince, accompanied by the wind
crack that lashes into the window coming from the snow headed giants.
From the next morning on I will be surveyed by monks to them to observe my
death. Maybe I will be watched more days?
Who knows how long I will be in Our World that, soon, will become That World
for me, too.
Even if I don’t succeed in crossing the barrier of light, my body won’t resist more
than a week without food. I don’t count that I’ve been starving from now as on full
stomach you cannot launch yourself in astral. I light a candle.
I sit at the little mahogany table and begin to write my testament.
„I would like to be incinerated following the Tibetan custom.
I feel no regret. I wanted to dare my own death, more than anything in the world,
for love and unknown".
Christine
I cannot sign as Sarah. I don’t know why, but it is something that holds me. It is so
strange that in front of death I’ve become Christine again who once wrote reports and
kissed lingeringly, in an airplane took to Singapore, bound for Sydney.
I try to put out the candle with a slight breath, but the rebel, flickering flame
swings more, trying to mock me. I take it into my head and strongly puff out. It fades
away on sight. Maybe, my life will fade away exactly the same: With ambition and
strength! I try to chase away any emotion and any feeling of fear.
How soon the time passes! It’s already eleven and a half. I don’t even know how
these two hours have passed. Maybe I would have long lived.
To live a life that I don’t know what it is? That lives me, instead? What means this
„long"? A mare trifle, if we retrospect to the cosmic time, and in life we have just the
illusion we live a tiny part as insignificant as it can be from the cosmic time as it, by its
infinity, auto excludes from any millennium or billion of years as it, the Great Time
retrospected to infinite, doesn’t"flow".
I don’t know why, but it comes to my mind millions of years that are supposed to
have passed from the death of dinosaurs.
If Time as"flow" is just an appanage of the Life’s illusion then, this means that if it
doesn't flow, it brings all the events of billion of years in one moment!
This is Our World, the World of Moment! And yet, my life means nothing towards
the time „flowed" from the death of dinosaurs.
It is so strange to give the name of World of Moment to a world where the
Dimension of Life is not the time!
Maybe because the World of Lie where everything is further from the truth, seems
more truthful and everything that gets near it becomes untruth.
The Moon hid off the window. Only stars remained, stars that tells their story
about how they sent their light billion and billion years a long time ago, light-years,
years of the traveling light that come to light this eternal light, but also traveling
through the yearn of the light to find us above the times and tell us that these times, as
we feel them, are only an illusion and nothing else.
What would light look for in this future if not the truth? In this Universe of
„another" time?
Than why the past of the stars is found in a long shot that is out present? A present
that doesn’t even exist, because between the Past and the Future there is no barrier,
because the Past is Future as further as it is from the being, and the future is Past the
closer it is to the being, and the being is nothing else but the Illusion and nothing else!

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The idea that the time „flows" can also come from the interference with the other
Universe, superior to us, with Our World. Is the Light the Essence of the Time of Our
World? I cannot state it certainly. Maybe, once, I will find out, when time doesn’t exist
for my being, that what we feel here as passing, desuetude, ageing!
There are three minutes left, Christine. You ought to calm down. You cannot
launch in astral but in a totally calm condition, so that we should concentrate as much
as possible to the moment of detachment for the body. Do I want to leave? Yes! I really
want to leave! For love, for unknown! I want to go out of my physical body. I hear and
feel on the same time more and more clear the music of the astral space.
I feel I easily detach from my body that becomes colder and colder.
I feel so cold. I want to detach. I hardly see it now inert, breathing mechanically, as
in a state of hypnosis. I slowly lift towards the ceiling. I look at myself, maybe for the
last time.
I take off with the energy of my own desire and here I am above the lamasery
lifting higher and higher. In the end, I order to myself to stop.
I float and look for my two companion buddies.
I cannot see anybody from the fog around me and not even a silver rope shining in
my sight. Suddenly, I think I have one more way for turning back for as long as the
silver rope doesn’t tear apart.
This is my only connection with my physical body and at every thought of mine
for turning back, I can find myself again in my physical body.
I see another silver rope now that lifts towards me. I hardly now see the being from
the fog. It’s Lama.
We both wait for the father, but he delays. I think with fear that maybe the father
cannot detach from his physical body. Lama tells my mentally not to worry, because the
father has just said his last prayer and he is within the launching time. I think Lama was
right, as I saw a silver rope. It is the Father.
" We hardly now take the road", said Lama mentally to us.
"God helps us", concludes the Father.
"God helps us, I said.
"From now on, I will tell you the next step that we have to do as I know the paths
of times and spaces of our world. Later it will be a great unknown for me, too. Then, we
will abandon ourselves to the hazard and adventure of the worlds and unknown. The
next step will be to watch the planet from the space, maybe for the last time", said
Lama.
In one moment, I was in the cosmic space.
"Look", said the father.
"It is truly beautiful the image of the Blue Planet, covered with tens, maybe
hundreds of thousands of silver ropes that link the physical bodies from other travelers
in astral. Very strange forms, some even ugly or terrifying pass by.
" Don’t worry, they do no harm to you." Some forms are made by the old people of
the worlds before our worlds, that the archeologists didn’t even discover, other than the
Egyptians, Sumerians or different people of the Pre-Columbian America. Most of them
are creatures made of curse. We will dare the space now, and then, we will strongly
take the time.
"Our next stop will be outside the Milky Way", says Lama.
We are all outside our galaxy. The hideous creatures disappeared, as well as the
Planet Earth. I look at the galaxy from outside it and I cannot believe that I had this
opportunity. I fell a ripple, accompanied by the astral vibration, as if I would be into the
blow of the wind on a mountain top. I wish I could say something, but my mind doesn’t
find any word to express what I feel.

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"How big is God’s Work", says the father.
"You are right, father," says Lama.
"Let’s go, say I without knowing why. Maybe I begin feeling that exhilaration to
conquer the impenetrable and the unknown.
"This time, we will make one of the most important steps, says Lama, that of
letting the entire physical Universe behind us, to reach the border between universes.
We are at the border between universes. I cannot believe that the giant physical
Universe boils down to the size of a brilliant point and that’s all, and around it, there are
enormous curtains of light such as the Aurora Borealis that flutters as a welcoming flag
at the border of the worlds. Here isn't day or night.
"Maybe, here is the border between reality and the Illusion of Life", says the
father.
"I think so", answered Lama.
"What’s next?" I asked.
"I don’t know myself, because I’ve never been further so far," said Lama.
"I want to continue the road, even if the physical Universe has become a tiny
luminous point," I said.
"Let’s go", said the father.
"the next step will be outside our physical world and it could be...
"In death, within the After World," said the father, interrupting Lama.
I hardly now feel the fear that, slow and steady, overshadows my exuberance to
win the unknown.
The fear needn't to be in my soul, no matter how much I will lose if I do the next
step.
Fear appears when you think you will lose something, such as health or calm and
peace that can be replaced by extreme pain and sufferance, and so fear becomes more
present.
But when you lose your life?
What does it mean?
That I lose a life that I don’t think it signifies anything with all its illusion. I had
enough of lies and illusions. Any thing, as tiny as it can be, has it significance, no
matter how big is the Universe or how small it has become now in my sight.
When I see it so small and insignificant, I have the impression that my life worth a
billion of billions of universes at once, but it is not like this. It accommodates billions of
billions of years.
It is for the first time when the Illusion of Life doesn’t keep me tight in its belts
and I can see that it is not the size that matters, but significance!
"In that little bright point, there are billions of billions of extraterrestrial worlds,
and others in times and spaces.""Everything is in that point, maybe less than the tip of a
needle, maybe as an atom, but we can see it as it is bright", says Lama, and then he says
again:
" Now it is the critical step.""Let's cross together the border!" shouted Lama.
"Let’s cross it!!" we all three shouted.
This time I have the impression that I am nowhere. I don’t feel Lama or the father
next to me. And yet, I am not afraid. It is a Universe of colors, red, orange, yellow,
indigo, violet. It is in fact the whole spectrum of the light. One spectrum reflects in the
other one and so one endlessly. Am I in a world of mirrors? I look around me and I
don’t see the priest or Lama. I lost even my silver rope. This time I cannot go back in
my physical body.
I am dead now!
I don’t know what time is on Earth? Here, it is no time! I know it, I feel it. I see

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myself, the one from the Earth, through these colors that reflect together with me one in
each other endlessly. It is my physical body that remained on the Earth. I understand
now that all I think of become image through these colors.
I concentrate to Lama and the Father. I finally see them, but I am not sure they are
really them.
They both reverberate infinitely in these endless parallel mirrors. Where are they?!
Nothing reverberates in the mirrors anymore.
I think of the letters that form the thought, letters that reverberate endlessly. Lama!
Father!
I mentally shout as much as I can concentrate. No answer.
The parallel mirrors reverberate any geometry that follows the image of spaces, of
a representation. What doesn’t has spatial image, doesn't reverberate at all.
I think I am within the world of light that that bring into my sight one of the great
secrets that the Illusion of Life has never emphasized: The space is born here!
All our physical space is born by the thoughts from the World of Lights on the
principal of parallel mirrors!
But why parallel mirrors? Because, by reverberating one in each other endlessly, it
creates the movement and the size from big to small. But who thought in this world
before being physical Universe?
I cannot find out this thing. I don’t think I’ve reached God yet! All I can say is that
initially a thought arrived from God reached also this Universe of Parallel Mirrors that
created the physical Universe. I feel myself as a Demiurge that stays in front of its
work, that for not being alone, it is going to create it, retrieving in it. I am free to create
my own world!
I concentrate on a beautiful landscape, similar to that from Tibet, with great snowy
mountain tops. All these appear in my soul. There are clear lakes at their base flanked
by fir trees and springlike green grass. Everything is on a background of blue sky cut by
the sun rays. The images reverberate one in each other. What could I do for those
images not to reverberate anymore?
I am jolly.
I concentrate again on the images not to reverberate, to stay static as on the Earth.
Suddenly, the images stays static, but even the flutters of the water in the lake are
as in a photo.
I wish the flutters became mobile. Yes, they begin to move.
The fear has disappeared slowly. I am like in a Paradise. Maybe I am in Paradise,
maybe I am the one that can create worlds! Maybe I am! Maybe I am... oh!, no, I'm not
God, for sure, even if I gave birth to a world.
What else do I have to create? A gorgeous cottage to take shelter, something else,
nature, rains, snows, the fire, clouds, seasons, forests, animals. Maybe peoples? Let’s
try to create peoples. Should I create an Adam or an Eve? Should I be Eve? No, no way.
Animals and birds, yes! They are always in Paradise because I don’t think they are
aware of their own existence or of their death. The animals transform life in eternity
because they don’t understand what death is. Man, once they find out, they exist, began
to know, they did nothing else but pay their ticket to Hell, without any stop of the life
train in a railway station.
I want to create peoples that shouldn't have self consciousness, to live as animals,
without being aware of death and its existence. A beforehand and behind world.
I concentrate on creating a man, to look similar to my beauty male standard, that is
Sorin! Stop. Stop, Christine!
What if I fall in love with this man? As it is just a poor animal, he will not ask me
to procreate or educate children! I am alone and I need peoples! And yet, I am afraid of

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them! Let’s wait. I want to think more. I am about to enter the cottage! I see only
impersonal spaces inside. I imagine the furniture that I wanted to have. No! I don’t want
any skyscrapers in this world! No, I don’t want any Manhattan. The furniture has begun
to shape. I sit on a chair. Oh, I’ve forgotten something.
I ceased to make it day and night, still every twenty four hours. That’s why I need
an Earth that spins around a Sun that shines! Let it shine, light! The work that already
exists! I want a Sun that lights the light! That is why I need a whole world where I will
have to create the most important thing! It is Sorin. I don’t want to lose this Paradise
where I am the Demiurge, the chief, a sort of God! Why only a sort of God? Why
shouldn’t I be God himself? Oh, I’m such a bitch sometimes? No, I am not God not at
all I need some time to get used to this state of beatitude, of happiness! Yes, I need
time, but I haven’t invented time yet, just day and night, but not time, transformation!
I wish Sorin existed with his feelings and thoughts, but without his wish to kill
himself. I think Sorin is the ideal man that I want! I would crate an entire world for him.
Let it be Sorin, I shouted.
Sorin is standing right in front of me. As if I hadn't met him in the airport of
Singapore.
"Sorin?" I whispered, but exclaiming.
"Christine?" he answered. I feel like crying when I see him after such a long time.
Maybe I won’t say him a word about. ..
"It’s me, Christine, who crossed the worlds to meet you."
"You crossed the worlds for me?" Sorin asked me.
"Something like that. More spiritually", I said. He was as true as possible. I left my
spiritual world, but not the physical one.
"Ah, yes, you are right, Christine, he said, and then he looked in the window at the
gorgeous mountains from behind of the window. It’s beautiful here. I try to think when
i got here! Are we in the United States, right?"
"Yes", I said, as I didn’t think it availed to tell him that, in fact, he wasn't in the
United States, and not even within the Physical Universe where the earth was.
"I remembered". I took the airplane from J.F. Kennedy. It was the flight from 3
o'clock. We touched at Clevland, and now we are somewhere near Denver, somewhere
in Colorado, right?"
"Yes, Sorin, we are somewhere in Colorado! I answered amazed at the manner his
mind built an entire logical gear of events that should situate him somewhere stable in
time and space. Sorin doesn’t get that in this world there is no New-York or Clevland or
Denver. Or maybe they exist because of him. Could he be a demiurge as myself? I don’t
know it yet.
"Let’s go on the bank of the river, Chris, says Sorin. Maybe we find a boat."
"But we haven’t got here by boat?" I said trying somehow to blot out his wish to
sailing.
"No problem, Chris, we rent one! He has no idea that he is the only man beside me
within this mental space, that I am on a planet with continents and cities. I ran exactly
of the society, maybe that is why I am here, I don’t want to create another society.
Maybe a perfect society? Anyway, I’ll think about how the perfect society should look
like.
"Let’s go, I said. Should it be a boat on the bank! I said in my mind. The lake was
situated at around five minutes away from home.
"Look, Chris, how I didn’t see this boat? Whom it belongs to? Nobody is here!
shouted Sorin.
"The boat belongs to the cottage where we live. I wanted to surprise you, Sorin!"
"Thank you, honey. Let’s go."

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Sorin jumps into the boat and lays his hand for me to lean against it when I put the
leg into the boat. We wander from the shore. Sorin looks towards the tops of the
mountains, then at the crystalline water that reflected those peaks.
I think Sorin needs a society. Me, too eventually.
That is why I will try to create a peaceful society, where the individuals don’t
know what the antisocial or bad acts are, such as: hate, envy, gossip, crime, blackmail,
imposture, and other more.
I want to create a perfect society, a society of love. I find it foolish to begin with
two individuals, one Adam and one Eve to create a whole history of sufferance and
despair and finally, after thousands of wars, crimes, rapes, hopeless and terrible diseases
to reach a 21 century. If these peoples wake directly in the XXI century, they won’t
have history, past? What kind of being would be the one that has no past?
Sorin has his own past. Maybe I made a big mistake having created him with a
past. If he hadn’t had a past, he wouldn’t have been him, and I need him and I looked
for him. He will feel ridiculous in a society where he would be the only one with a past,
and the others would be totally amnesic individuals when talking about what you have
done lately, or when were you born.
They can have a past, but where only positive memories and not negative
memories should be permitted. Great!
Thus, I will create a society of happiness!
Should the earth with the five continents be surrounded by the oceans in the
geographic form I know.
Be all the possible animals and plants that I know. Be all cities with their
inhabitants existing on Earth.
Peoples’ consciousness should be only positive. I want a perfect society, without
wars, crimes, tortures, guns, conquests and everything that can lead to them to
disappear.
"Look, what a beautiful flock of birds!" says Sorin.
"Do you like it?" I asked him.
"I want to catch one, they have beautiful feathers, to see it closer, my dear."
"how can you catch that bird that flies so far away?"
"Eh, as if you didn’t know. I think about it and I bring it in my hand," said Sorin.
"Let’s see it," I answered.
Indeed, the bird gets closer and sits slowly in Sorin’s hand.
"How did you succeed?" I asked him.
"Love does everything", says Sorin.
I am amazed at this experience. Suddenly, I hear a noise as a thunder and one of
the mountain's peaks in front of me disappears.
"What is going on, Sorin?" I said frightened.
"Nothing bad. I've brushed it away to let the sun shine in your sight that I love so
much."
"How have you brushed away the peak of the mountains, Sorin?"
"Thinking to brush it away and he did," said Sorin.
For god’s sake, is Sorin Demiurge like me?
"If I think of a car, you could create it in reality?" I asked him feeling the fear
insinuating in my soul.
If Sorin is a Demiurge, this means he has the power to change the world, which
means he can create an Universe totally strange to me, and two demiurge in the same
world means Hell!! As any contradiction of the Demiurges, will endlessly deepen in the
souls of the individuals that represent the society. Sorin can anytime include a negative
side in the peoples’ soul that will bring them to sufferance. What have I done? I am

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within a world I have created............ and I don’t know if this is what I wanted or not. I
cannot believe to my eyes, I see a group of people that fly or levitate, I don't know.
"What are those peoples doing?" I asked Sorin.
"They are probably some tourists that are visiting the surroundings."
"You haven’t answered to one question, Sorin."
"Sorry, but I paid attention to something else, Chris."
"If you think of a car, could you create it in reality or it would remain just a
dreams?"
"Of course it would be just a dream." But aren’t we God to create
everything!"What’s up, Chris, we ask me such a foolish question?" As if you were a
child who finds out the secret of the world."
"This is me, foolish, sometimes, maybe I like to spoil myself alone, if you don’t do
it!"
Sorin got close to me and hugged me, sitting on a bench me on his knees.
"I love you so much, Christine!" says Sorin while playing with my hair and kissing
me, and staying cheek in cheek looking at the romantic view. It’s gorgeous, I said to
myself for a moment, and then I remembered those supernatural things that man created
by me could achieve. If only they knew I had created their world? Yes, it means that
humankind exists, once I saw that group that levitated, than continents, oceans, cities,
earth exist, too, together with the perfect society that I created.
"I wrote for you the most beautiful love verses that I’ve ever written." They are not
literary, but mathematical, my dear, Christine, said Sorin whispering, as if he didn’t
want to disturb that beautiful landscape where we were, and all that after breaking down
a peak of a mountain just to let the ray of sun light my face.
"Tell me", Sorin, I whispered.
"Variable of seven billion seven hundred seventy hearts with the quadrate roam of
their love, do exactly..."
I couldn’t believe this strange behavior of Sorin. I've never known him as a force
in mathematics or breaking down the mountains. Should it be a abnormality of this
world? I think I omitted something when I created the world! Something strange and I
have to answer as soon as possible. What gives them this power to destroy? Can each of
them destroy this paradise that I created?
"If you set your mind to destroy this planet, you would succeed, Sorin."
"Of course, my dear."
"And why nobody did it from billions and billion sod inhabitants?
"Today is the day of foolish questions, Christine!"
"Maybe a maniac would have liked to commit suicide and thus he would have
destroyed the planet with him!""What are you saying, Sorin?"
"I don’t what it is to commit suicide, Christine!" Maybe it is the term to take your
life away, but, you know very well yourself that is impossible, as impossible as it is to
lie, kill or harm someone!"
"You are right, Sorin." I have almost forgotten that I am in this paradise named
Earth," I said.
"That’s right, my dear, the Earth is a Paradise."
"Then, why have you destroyed the peak of that mountain? For love?
"of course, for love, Sorin continues. Everything that is destroyed for love is
permitted! says he finally.
"And why nobody destroyed the planet for love?"
"I don’t know," says Sorin.
I hardly understand that the paradise I have created is in danger. It may be
destroyed in any moment by the billions of individuals that have supernatural powers.

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Please, Christine, focus, I told to myself. Maybe I will manage to save the Paradise that
I created and I don't want to leave it. I want to stay with Sorin. What can give to people
this supernatural power? I think I have discovered! The populations on the other Earth
used only a tiny part of their brain, the other one staying inert. I focus I say in my
mind:"All people of this earth may not use but two percent of their brain. Be as those on
the other Earth where I come from".
"You said, Sorin, that you could move mountains for me, right?" I asked him
trying to see if the transformation appeared in the structure of his brain.
" I would like it, but it is just a word and nothing else. Who can move a mountain?
says Sorin.
"Do you think there are people that can levitate?"
I think they are, some even manage to detach a few inches from the land.
"I think I saw a group of tourists admiring these beauties and levitating at tens
meters high, Sorin?"
"I don’t remember." Maybe they had parachutes. Man cannot fly by himself. Why
do you keep asking me such foolish questions?"
"You are right, Sorin, man cannot fly by himself, I told him, and then I asked him:
"Do you cry God?"
"Who? Said he inquiringly looking at me.
"God", I repeated.
I don’t know what are you talking about," he answered.
"Don’t you go to church from time to time?"
"Christine, if you want to joke, joke, but not with all these terms that I’ve never
heard about and I don’t understand them."
"Church, dear Sorin, you pray to God to give you happiness, health, wealth, to save
you from grief, to forgive your sins."
"Why praying for happiness since I am happy, health, maybe I have because I
don’t know what means not to be healthy..."
"Sick, I replied.
"Sick? Says Sorin. I’ve never heard such thing, and grief I don’t think someone on
this planet has such thing."
"Because you don’t know what sin is?"
"I have no idea what sin is." Tell me, Chris! said Sorin inquiringly, but surprised in
the same time.
"Sin is when you do something bad. If someone does you harm, then he commit a
sin", I told him.
"Ok, but nobody did me any harm and I couldn’t do any harm to anybody."
I really created an almost perfect society. A society that doesn’t know the sin, the
pain, the sufferance, it is a society that doesn’t need church. Church appears only when
sufferance, pain and despair speak the word. I created a society without negative
factors, a society of good that doesn't need an Adam or an Eve, but, especially, a Cain
or an Abel. Could it be better not to know God?
"Who do you think, Sorin, that created this world?"
"What do you mean by who?" The world wasn’t created, it created itself, existing
forever, Christine."
"Why don’t you fish, Sorin?"
"How should I fish?" I don’t have an angle", he told me.
"Look in the cottage, you may find one there."
Sorin is going to the cottage. I look at the gay waves that strike the boat at each
second, creating a specific sound in the absolute silence we are in. Sorin appears with
three angles, smiling to me.

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"When you kill the fish, don’t you do any harm, Sorin?
"The fish doesn’t know he will die." He is not aware of the death as man is.
"Is it all right that man knows the death, Sorin?"
"If he didn’t know it, he wouldn’t find it", says he.
"If he didn’t think, he would be eternal!" I answered.
"If he were eternal, he couldn't love!" says Sorin, coming toward me and kissing
on one of my cheeks.
Than, this means the fish in his feelings is eternal, but not the man! I said.
"Of course, Chris." When man is aware of his existence, he knows he will die."
"Do you think the fish doesn’t know it exists, Sorin?"
"No, Chris. I think it lives a present without future and past, as well as most of the
animals. Although it is considered that some animals have memory, I don’t believe in it,
I the sense of a memory such as man’s memory, but maybe a hybrid of the memory that
functions more as an automatism than a real memory. The starlings recognize certain
persons, they can be educated, and their memory exists only on certain coordinates that
care doesn’t give them self-consciousness of existing before death!
The vital instinct is something else and it cannot be compared to the memory, but,
especially, with the self-consciousness. The said memory of the animal is part of the
vital instinct of the body that is acute enough to animals as it will avoid anything that
could take its life, that is why they can know certain smells, they have sharp look, they
suffer when they are hurt, recognize certain persons, but this doesn’t mean that those
persons come from a past similar to man's, but they are known from a present in another
present for animals.
"When do you think, Sorin, that man got self-consciousness?"
"When he understood that time is not only present, but it would contain both past
and present."
"It is true, Sorin." This is what I believe, too, but what I want you to know is when
exactly happened such a mutation. Maybe in a past more or less far away? Maybe man
lives an Edenic life for as long as he knows the present!"
"Edenic, repeated Sorin. I don’t know what edenic means, he said looking at me
attentively."
"I don’t remember well myself, for where or in what context I heard this term", I
said, so that for the moment, I shouldn’t have any motivation to tell him about the myth
of Eden, of Paradise where Adam and Eve lives once. Here, in a world where
everybody is happy, I don't see the point for an Adam and an Eve. Finally, I told him:
"I think the Eden means something you are not aware of or something you don’t
know, Sorin."
"Ah, yes. You are right, Chris. For as long as man didn’t know the past, he lived in
an Edenic world because he didn’t know it. Right, Chris?"
"You are right, Sorin." In reality, he had the whole love in the world, but he
understood it differently than I did.
Do you think, Sorin, that man changed a lot when he got self-consciousness? I
asked him as I wanted to find out at what level was Sorin, an inhabitant of a world
where there are no bad things, but only good things and happiness.
"He changed as he is aware of the past, but this doesn’t mean that he is more happy
than the man that knows only the notion of present. He is almost identical, but smarter
with one second that he recognizes as standard for irreversibility, Christine."
"Where will we go after death, Sorin?"
"After death? He answered thoughtfully, and than said: Death is nothing else but
an extension of life. You, as a person, will be aware of dying, but only the persons
around you. I believe that the spiritual energy of life stays after death, too as extensions

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of a dream that we dream in the starred nights when the eternity lays slowly and
passionately in our thoughts and wishes. I don’t believe in a continuous death."
"What about the self-murders," I said.
"What? Said Sorin. I’ve never heard such term."
"What about those persons that want to make away with themselves?" I asked him.
"How can you talk like that, Christine? It is exactly as you would state that man
can move mountains! said Sorin observing me with an amazed but affecting look.
"You are perfectly right, my dear Sorin."
I’ve created the world for more than three months.
I slowly realize that the man beside me, created by me in Sorin’s similitude, but as
behavior upon my wishes is in fact more and more a stranger to me, more artificial.
What a terrible paradoxe! To become a stranger towards your own creation. This
Sorin in spite of his physical similitude with the"original" he is nothing else but a
hybrid of what i would like him to be. I creted him upon my pattern from the point of
view of the soul, of what I realy wanted from the true Sorin and, more than that, how I
would have liked him to be. My own creation. A stranger to me! I feel like this paradise
I am in, runs out of my feet and becomes a sweet hell. Who’s the devile?
My own creation, made upon the wish of my soul. I gave what I had best in me for
Sorin, all I would have ever wanted from a man and, especially, one like Sorin! How
can I back out of this situation? To create Sorin with the imperfections of the original,
imperfections that I hated?! Do we, man, come to love more the imperfections of the
our mate than his qualities? Sorin, this creation, my creation, has onlu qualities, and no
imperfections. That is why I will come to hate him? Not to accept his perfection. I
hardly now realize that the connection between two life partners is not heir qualities,
but their imperfections.
The true Sorin would have talked to me about suicide as of a salvation, about death
as of another world and not as an extension of this world and of God, as of an architecht
and the true Demiurge of the Universe!
Maybe I need God. The suicide and the After World! Maybe I need the
imperfections of my life partner as I need Heven, Sin, good and wrong. Then?
Should I change this perfect world! No way!
I coulnd’t afford to lose Sorin again. I’d rather have all this anxiety and
inadaptation then losing Sorin again.
Why shouldn’t I try to adapt to this Universe, to this world? I would do nothing
else but adapt tp myself. Me to adapt to myself? Is it possible? Why not?
I should put aside what I don’t like about me for this. For example, sometimes I
don’t like about me that I am lazy, a little selfish, full of taboos, moods, nervous, I like
to sail in life beside a husband that for me, becomes a symbol of all-giving to grasp at
his heart waiting for the years to pass. It would be more. Toughness, lack of tact and the
desire to be admired. Maybe this last imperfection is found to most of the women, much
marked than to men, as to be admired for beauty. I just realize that the true God is
above dogma, above doctrine that split us in good and bad, because we created it on our
standards, as I created this world, too!
The true God is above Church, above any acknowledgement, because God doesn’t
pay any respect to Church only through us, being a way for some, a ray of light toward
absolute.
We were those that understood God with the help of Church because the Church
represented our feelings transformed in dogma that brainwashed the population and
nothing more. God exists outside the Church for all those situated within the dogma.
Dogma, no!
The fact that some of us feel God closer to us through Church doesn’t mean that it

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is in Church that we will find God for all the people! He was felt there only by those
that could feel Him there! For the rest of the people, God is not within the respective
church anymore and not even within the respective doctrine. Maybe some of them
joined in another doctrine or another cult. Others in no doctrine or cult.
The true God is outside any dogma or church. We are the church, while God is
outside us even if we feel Him as part of us. When God is part of us, this is mirage of
the mind because only in this way we can get close to him and also to our ancestral
origin.
To try to build the church here is like I want this people, perfect in my opinion,
feel God upon my standard, sometimes through dogma. I don’t think it is good. It is true
that I have moments when, in the middle of this paradise, I feel like going crazy and I
call the God of dogma and doctrine of this people to join in the humiliation of carrying I
don’t know what original sin or to keep praying for one of their right, that of being born
in the harmony of the true God!
I recognize it is very hard for me to bear all these, because beside dogma that I can
try, it is also the harmony that exasperates me, making me wanting the original sin, but
if possible more for me and not for those in the world created by me. Every time I
walked to the back streets of Manhattan, that one were real brooders of crime, violence,
drugs, and now are oasis of peace, happiness and good-understanding. I fell like telling
me that I have created this world, I am its God, and than asking me: Why the God that
created my world let together with it its misery? Why? Could it be difficult as I felt it
was to bear the welfare, happiness and luxury of the souls? Couldn't I managed, and
finally, to linger up to exhaustion for the negative items of a Sorin that came into my
world from who knows what malefic world, maybe more malefic than the world I
created and where I was born?
Should the God of my world walk on the streets, as I did into the world created by
me, where people are respectful, smiling, doesn’t want to know what bad signifies and
it is not even genetically programmed from that!?
Why in my world the Creator, God let the malefic deluge the streets?
Could He come from a world where the malefic dominated? It dominated so much
and He couldn't imagine a world without him? Of course, I am only the creator of this
world and not God. As Demiurge of this world I have a Demiurge myself! Maybe in the
world I come from, its creator walked off-handedly on the street, as I do in this world.
Maybe, sometimes, I met him face to face, maybe we smiled to each other, maybe he
was in traffic and in the crowd, we called each other names or maybe he was a beggar
asking me some cents, pity.
He could be anybody! It is so strange to think that every man around you can be
the creator of the entire world where you were born, that he can be much younger or
much elder than you, that the entire history that you learnt in school doesn’t belong to
the millenniums and centuries of your world, but to another world!
To a world that doesn’t even exist on the stellar map of the Universe you know,
and the only connection between the two worlds, it is the ray of light that faces the
times bringing from the furthest time into present even the stars dead for a long time,
where they come to their ancestral life after the death happened billions of years ago.
What is the strangest is that any soul that reaches the space of the parallel mirrors
can create a new world, even identical or different from the one he comes from, a world
that can exist at level of millions of individuals as a structure, history, art, ethnography,
culture, that not even it doesn’t belong to itself.
I think that the world development level depends on the intellectual ideatical
development level, of that world creator. It is obvious that a person whose culture is
much to be desired, with minimum or inexistent knowledge in fields as geography,

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literature, history, will create a world to find his level! An air-mongered, refined person
will create a Universe according to his own Universe.
What happened if the creator of my world would have been an unaccomplished
person?
As we evolute from the Stone Age or a refined person with special knowledge that
creates us not only with a great past, but he did create us a future! Did I create a future
to this people from the world I made? How do they see future? The future of this people
is part of my knowledge, of the ancestral knowledge of my Ego?
This is what I succeed in finding out so far. In this moment I am driving my jeep
on Five Avenue trying to understand how this people see the future in order to
understand better the Creator of the world I come from, this creator that could give birth
to my entire past of forty years with one hour before my decorporaliza into my ancestral
travel! No matter how strange it will be, but the entire world I come from, could be
born one hour before I died!
The entire history, both mine and mankind's, should not be anything else but the
history of another mankind, as this mankind I have created has part of the history of the
mankind I come from. Analyzing the future of this mankind I have created, not only I
will understand the mankind’d Creator better, but maybe I will meet him!
Today, Friday night, the whole Manhattan is overpeopled. It’s week-end. The
confetti and souvenirs sellers are seen all over the city. The most diverse colored ads,
accompanied by many people that celebrate the beginning of the weekend, take your
breath away. No matter how crowded the traffic would be, nobody worries, nobody
swears, all are relaxed waiting for their turn to the signal light. Nobody gets drunk in
the restaurants, and there aren‘t drug people on the streets. What a perfect world I have
created, I said finally to myself. Suddenly, I applied the brake instinctively.
I am on the 25 street, where I lived in my youth. I must be an illusion, I said to
myself! It cannot happen something like that. I had the impression that I saw myself at
the age of seventeen. I was wearing the Radcliff college uniform! I pulled right and
stepped out of the jeep.
I was lucky I found a parking place immediately. I hardly see that girl walking
along 25 street. A few hundred meters and I reach the house where I lived during that
period.
I run towards the possible Christine, towards my possible past. I am on her back
and I ease down. I don’t know what should I ask her. Anything, it doesn’t matter.
For God’s sake, maybe it is not me!
When I get near that girl, I ask her how I can get to Maey’s, a store that is or was
around during that period of my life.
When I look at her, I cannot believe.
It’s me, from another world talking to me from this world.
She explains me how I can get to Maey’s. I cannot believe! It might be a dream.
"Aren’t you from this city? The young lady asked me, I mean me at a certain age. I
asked myself to another age or my past asks its future?
"I was asking if..., repeated the young Christine.
"I know, I answered after a short hesitation due to emotion.
"No, miss, I am not from around." Thank you very much... the young lady was
anot to leave, and I said:
"Are you at Radcliff?"
"Yes, how would you know?" she asked me.
"At my place, in Brooklyn I know some one that has the same uniform as you do."
I heard it is a good collage!"
"It is said so", said my past.

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It is so strange to talk to yourself from the past, twenty years ago, and you, as a
future to know who you are talking to.
Besides, your past should be blind, not to realize that, on a simple coming back
home in a regular day, me, Christine, the seventeen years old pupil I met Christine, the
forty years old woman!
Why am I in double copy and younger, but mature in this world? Maybe, as during
the creation I belonged to another age and world, it was normal to be tributary to that
age and world, but, in the same time, being a world reflected from my spiritual world, it
is also normal to be here as the younger Christine.
Why Sorin is at the age he committed suicide in the other world? Why is the world
created by me in my future, I mean after my death in the other world, a world of my
past?
Maybe that is why the stars that died billions of years ago shine although they had
died for the same billion of years?
Running towards the future we build our past, and running towards the past, do we
create out future?
"It is nice in this part of Manhattan. Once, in my youth, I lived here, I told
Christine from the past, thinking that I have created the new world into my past.
"I think it is cloudy, lucky with Central Park!"
"Oh, yes, you are right, Central Park is close", I told her.
"My name is Christine", I told the young girl.
"Christine?" she answered amazed,"My name is Christine, too".
I look straight into her eyes, something woman to woman, it is strange.
Maybe without wanting it, maybe this was what I wanted, I don’t know exactly.
I need to tell her, to call out that I am her future, that I have created the entire
world!
She will think I am mad and than, why should she know how she would become?
The true beauty of life is the incertitude of the future.
She wouldn’t believe me. The young Christine moves her eyes shyly.
"What a resemblance, madam. We have the same name, repeated the girl, in an
amazed way, but more for herself. I don’t know why, madam, but I feel like knowing
you from somewhere, I might see you somewhere."
"I don’t think so, Christine, or maybe we met by any chance, somewhere,
somehow, who knows? I answered, while a cold feeling got through my body.
"You are right, madam, I think so, too. Do you live in NewYork?"
"Yes, in Brooklyn", I answered.
"In Brooklyn? I have an aunt there where I am used to going from time to time,
once or twice a month, the young girl said.
Christine told me about aunt Hatty, as dad nicknamed her, because she never
separated from a little brim white hat, that seemed like being more for man than for
woman. It is true I used to going to aunt Hatty that not only made the best cakes in the
world, but she also has a beautiful reddish tomcat.
The future in the past of this girl is the creator of her world! And then, which is the
future of this world? My past?!
"I can give you my phone number in Brooklyn, and when you pass by, you can
visit me, too,"I told the young Christine.
"OK. What’s the number?" Said Christine opening her bag and taking a pen and a
piece of paper.
I gave her my number.
"Call me anytime you want. If I am not home, the phone machine will answer and
you can leave me a message."

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I hardly notice that my phone number has something in common with Sorin. His
birthday is November 25th.
Days passed by up to an afternoon when I received a call from Christine,
announcing me she would pay me a visit together with the tomcat Fred, which is as
quiet as it can be. I give her my address and after a while, Christine appeared in the
door step. I couldn’t believe when I saw Fred after all this years.
"I am glad you came, Christine," I said to the girl.
"I wanted to see what were you doing". I was bore and I said to myself that I was
not a bad idea to pay you a visit. He is Fred, and she showed me the tomcat she held
which had a red leather leash on its collar.
"Hello, Fred, I answered, wanting to take him into my arms.
"No, you cannot do it, because Fred scratches the persons he doesn’t know.
But I couldn’t stand petting the old Fred on his crown. A sudden paw traced a red
line on my hand.
"I told you it scratches, Miss Christine."
"I am sorry I didn’t listen to you. Tell me Christine", I told her.
"OK. We are friends from now on, Christine," says the young girl, in fact, myself.
How beautiful it sounds! I am friend to myself.
I was to aunt Hatty that asked me to take Fred out, and than, I thought of calling
you." I told Hatty that your name was Christine as mine and that in your youth you
lived on 25 Street.
"And what did Hatty say?"
"To be careful with people I don’t know."
"Very well, Christine, I think she taught you right."
She is a little frumpish Hatty, but, sometimes, she knows how to be pleasant."
Oh, airs of..., considering myself to be the center of the universe and talking about
everybody with a sort of superiority and condescendence.
"What else did Hatty tell you", I asked her just to ask her.
"Well, she told me how she was invited to a old woman she met in the gas station
when she filled up her antique clunker that still works." I think Hatty inherited it from
her dad."
"And?"
"She told me the old lady read in the cup of coffee."
"Coffee? I looked surprised.
"And she told her that Fred would die in a terrible car accident."
"And when did the old lady read her?"
"I think two weeks ago."
I was speechless! It was true, Fred was going to die in a car accident on July 3rd. I
remember even now that date that remained ingrained in my mind. I don’t remember
the year, just the date. I think I was seventeen by then.
My God, I can be the old lady that read in the cup of coffee of aunt Hatty!
"Can you tell me, Christine, what else did the old lady say?"
"That today, at seven o’clock in the evening I will be at the crossroad of Longley
Avenue with Hamilton Street together with Fred."
"Why? I asked her almost shivering, because I knew Fred was going to die in that
crossroad.
"She said to Hatty that there I would find my future."
"Did she say something else?" I asked Christine.
"Yes." Do you want to come with me?"
"Why?" I asked her.
"I think it is an oldish piffle, but still what if is there something?"

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"What day is today, Christine," I asked the girl as if I didn’t know.
"It is Tuesday," she asked me.
"No, I want the date, I said, as if I didn’t know what I was going to hear from
somebody else’s mouth that could give me a new date.
"Today is July 3rd." Don’t you know that tomorrow it is July 4th, the USA day?"
"Oh, yes, I am so forgetful!: I answered with an affected indifference. On July 3rd,
at seven o’clock in the evening, Fred the tomcat was going to die in a car accident. If
Fred doesn’t die, I think both my future and that of this world will change!
"Let’s go, Christine," I told the girl that had visited me. I looked at the watch. It
was six and twenty three.
I knew it was no time to lose.
"Let’s take my car," said the young Christine.
"We’d better take my jeep." I want to drive.
"OK, says the young lady while caressing Fred.
I felt to pity for Fred. I cannot stand that in a few minutes Fred will die. I love this
tomcat. I sighed for his death years and years in the beforehand life. How can I save
him? I cannot find a solution for the moment. If Fred doesn’t die, this means the future
will change and then this world might be destroyed, maybe… I don’t know exactly. All
I know is that there are only ten minutes left till the crossroad of Langley Avenue with
Hamilton Street and I am running into the future at maximum speed.
"I see you like driving fast, you need adrenaline. It also happens to me sometimes",
says Christine to me, and then she addresses to Fred:"See, Fred, what speed means!"
Buildings passing beside you faster and faster. Like in a merry-goes-round that spins
and spins until your head turns, until all that is around you become a straight line.
"Fed likes the merry-goes-round." I take it sometimes in the park", continues
Christine.
I feel like going crazy. I don’t want to bring Fred to death. Five minutes left, five
bloody minutes that flow as scrupulous as the others before them. I hear a deep, solemn
clang of the horologe and I feel it in the same time. Instead of entering into the
intersection of Longley with Hamilton I pull right the wheel, entering on a side street. I
stop the car and go next to Christine towards the respective crossroad by our own feet. I
cannot believe. The crossroad was very crowded. Some curious people gape to an
accident. I look at the watch. That minute have run for at least ten minutes. I saw a old
lady laying on the asphalt. Next to her, a car with traces of blood on one broken light.
She was surely stroke by that car. I looked at Christine. I saw her holding Fred that is
safe and sound. I go near the old lady laying dead on the asphalt. I horripilate. It was
me, as I would have looked thirty years after. Christine asked me if the old lady had
died. I don’t know what to say. The doctors came and feel her pulse.
"She is dead", says a man to a woman, probably the nurse.
She is dead, she is dead, these words keep coming to my mind repeated into a
gloomy echo. I turn towards a man and ask him:
"Have you seen the accident?"
"I didn’t, maybe the lady, and he showed me a woman in her fifties.
"Yes, I saw it", she said, hearing my discussion with the man:
"How it happened", I asked.
"Terrible", said the woman. The old lady jumped in front of the car although the
lights indicated the red color.
"She jumped?" I asked knowing that there isn’t the term"suicide" in this world I
created!
"I think she tried to take her life away", the woman tells me.
"To take her life away?" I repeated more than amazed, without believing that

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people began to be aware of the term"suicide" in this world. I knew the woman beside
me would tell me she wanted to commit suicide.
"It happened half an hour ago." The church horologe indicated seven o’clock.
Some old people, reaching an advanced age, feel too lonely, too hopeless. Maybe they
don’t have anymore the friends and the close ones from the family, maybe the children
forgot them and they reach the conclusion life is pointless and they commit suicide", the
woman tells me.
"Maybe it is so", I said without being able to explain to myself what really
happened so radical in the world I had created with so much hope for good. The fact the
tomcat Fred lived or maybe I wasn’t into the world I had created anymore, but in a
world created by someone else half an hour ago. I realize now that Fred wouldn’t have
died even if we had brought him into the crossroad because I heard the church horologe
beating when I stepped out of the car and, thus, it was five minutes before my hour.
Church? Am I again into a world with churches, with God?
"Let’s pray for her soul", said the woman while moving away.
"God bless her", I say.
"Poor old lady", says Christine holding Fred, without knowing that the old lady
killed in the accident was nobody else but her tens years away. People left. It was only
Christine and myself.
"Let’s go, Christine", I said to the girl while a gale of wind moved a piece of paper
away from my feet. It looks like a hand writing, with red ink and somewhere in the
corner, there was a signature, something like"Christine", or was it an illusion? I bow
and take the piece of paper where it was written:"I am the creator of mankind I lived in
until you committed suicide together with Lama and the Cardinal. I am the one that
once made the Earth with its history, with seeable and inseeable. You live in a world
created five minutes before I died". And in the right corner it was written with
uppercases:"CHRISTINE".
The future of the future is the past.
I died one in my past at the age of forty one, the second time at more than seventy
years old, and i am only forty one. I suddenly woke up in a world with churches, a
world where people look for God within the walls of the churches.
This means that I am already in a world where sadness and sufferance exist, a
world which was five minutes after the world created by me.
It means so much these five minutes!
What kind of Christine did this last world create?
Why did she commit suicide so horrible?
"Let's go, Christine, I said to the girl.
We go towards my jeep parked near. I cannot ask myself again:"how old is
Christine that hace created the world we are in and how did she come to create it?" Fred
began to purr."Is Christine the one that created this world?" It couldn’t be anybody else.
The old Christine that died couldn’t create her own Universe if Fred didn’t die. Was she
waiting for Fred for the sacrifice? No, no way. If she had waited foe him, she wouldn’t
have committed suicide. Then why did she take her life away? Why did she tell aunt
Hatty that the girl next to me would see her future in this crossroad? Her suicide gave
birth to the church in this world. It is already a world of self-murderers.
I accelerate towards home. Another hasty driver crosses my path swearing. It is the
first swear I hear in this world.
"How swears that guy", I tell to young Christine next to me.
"Maybe he is hooked on", she answered.
"Hooked on?" I repeated surprised, thinking how fast the world changes.
"Yes." You ca rarely see a man that didn’t get some grass in his life. Come and see

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what it is in Radcliff. In break times, most of them disappear in the toilets to smoke
grass.
"It is awful", I say, how it can be possible?"
"How can it be possible?" Maybe you didn't take off with your feet on the ground
and you are in another world", says young Christine.
Another world, I keep saying to myself in my mind. Yes, it is really another world,
a world of desolation, disorientation that I left sometime together with Lama and the
Cardinal Mc Couldough. The just now world has disappeared for more that an hour. I
hardly sneak through the agglomeration full of curses, buzzers and shrill lights lit
urgently in full day. It is eight o’clock, but being in the middle of the summer, the sun is
still on the sky. Another sun than the one shining an hour ago, a sun of another world. I
suddenly had a glimpse:"Why am I conscious of the worlds’ change? No inhabitant is
aware of that. Why did Christine from my future commit suicide in that accident? Just
because she felt pity for Fred? I don’t think this at any price. Then? How did she get
into my world and why did she change it? I will find it some day! What’s this age! I
look at myself in the rear view mirror and I see myself still young. Is this way age can
change you? Will I be so dead? We pass an old church. The young Christine crosses. If
I had asked her two hours ago what she knew about God and religion, she would surely
have looked at me strangely, saying that she had no idea what I was talking about. I
have to see aunt Hatty. I want to learn every thing she knows about old Christine.
"Do you want me to let you at home, Christine?"
"But it is far away, you should cross East River and in the evening it is very
crowded on Brooklyn Bridge. I’d better take the subway."
"I’d like to ride for a while. I’ll talk you home, if you want to, I says to the girl.
"OK, if it is difficult for you, I'd like to.
I really need to ride. I ‘ll go to nowhere anytime just to have where to come from."
"We have forgotten about Fred. Let’s drop at aunt Hatty’s, my aunt, I let him there
and then we can go on with our travel.
"I’d like to meet aunt Hatty, I said to the young girl, that smiled telling me:
I think she would, too!"
I was sure of that. Hatty was that type of woman very sociable who liked to talk for
hours. Maybe because she was lonely, who knows? Her husband died years ago, I mean
when I was two or three. I remember him only from photos. What if Hatty recognizes
me? I don’t think so. She died when I was seventeen years old, and having young
Christine beside me, I don’t think so.
I haven’t seen this house for so long. After Hatty’s death, this house was going to
be demolished. I look at the ivy that covers it largely. I suddenly feel like shouting from
the bottom of my heart: Why? Let it be the world without sufferance, without pain and
daily torture, let it be the world I created! To stay in this non-demolished house with ivy
and aunt Hatty. Then I feel like asking the young Christine:
"Do you believe in God, Chris?"
"What a question, of course I believe in God."
In my perfect world, there was no God, because He wasn’t needed. Then, yes!
I cannot change anything.
I knew it in the moment I saw myself committing suicide around the age of
seventy.
Why did I try to change the world again? Because of the hope that maybe, maybe,
I will succeed again although I was aware that I lost such power. In spite of all these,
the world I created had become a sweet hell, a hell I should need now.
Here appears Hatty in front of the door. I feel like screaming and hugging her, but I
have to be as cold as possible, in order not to reveal the least suspicions.

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"I brought Fred home, aunt Hatty. She is Christine, my friend. Her name is
Christine, too.
What kind of friendship can it be between a young girl and a forty years old
woman I cannot imagine exactly, but let the things as the matter of course. As a matter
of course? I feel so difficult this world i am in, it is so heavy because that"as a matter of
course" implies"destiny" and of course"God".
"Welcome". Come on in, says Hatty while taking off her waistcloth. Her blue,
washy, eternal waistcloth, stained here and there with fat. I am surprised that Hatty
doesn’t say „Even if I wash it each and every two days, these stains don’t want to come
out, but I don’t like another waistcloth. I don’t understand why I made friend with this
waistcloth".
The truth is this waistcloth was a present from her husband that dies years ago.
This was his last present for, made before he died. Although this waistcloth looked
lamentable, becoming an ordinary cloth, for Hatty this was the best and the most
beautiful waistcloth in the world, port fortune when she cooked. I was convinced that if
she hadn’t had that charmed waistcloth, the mayonnaise wouldn’t had been good and
the meal on the gas cooker would have burnt or anyway, „wouldn’t have had this
special taste", as Hatty used to say. We sit in the living room.
"I feel like knowing you from somewhere, I don’t know for sure, but you seem not
only known but also familiar, says Hatty.
"Familiar?" I answered. Maybe because I live nearby, we met, who knows?"
"I think you have impressions, aunt Hatty", says the young Christine.
"Yes, I have impressions", answered Hatty.
In that moment I felt like hugging her, telling her that I am dead on the Earth, that I
am the young girl accompanying me.
"I was at the crossroad of Langley Avenue with Hamilton Street, aunt Hatty. I
didn’t see my future. It was only an old lady that I suppose had committed suicide. An
old lady on her seventies. Tell your friend, the fortune teller, that she has no idea about
reading the future.
"I don't see any connection between the old lady suicide and Christine’s future", I
interfered.
"Me neither, says, while standing and making a few steps towards the phone. She
picked up the phone and dial the number. Finally I hear her saying:
"Hello? I’d like to speak with Christine... who’s there? Ted Williams the nephew?
Is Christine at home? What?! She died? when? More than an hour? It cannot be! In a
car accident? Where? At the intersection of Longley Avenue with Hamilton? I hard the
voice of aunt Hatty.
Who’s that Ted Williams? I didn’t know to have a nephew in my world on the
Earth. Ted Williams, Ted, Ted... I keep telling in my mind this while another thought
stroke me. Sorin! Sorin! I shout in my soul. Maybe Sorin? I cannot accept that. I don’t
think something happened to him. I have just seen him passing the door step of the
worlds! Aunt Hatty sitted again on the armchair coated with tile-colored leather.
"The woman you told me she died is exactly the fortune teller", says Hatty, very
affected by the news.
"Can I give a call, Miss Hatty?" I said.
"Of course, my dear." Call me Hatty and nothing more.
"OK, Hatty."
I touch the telephone receiver. I feel my hand shaking. I dial the number from
Sorin’s office in Manhattan. It is ringing. Nobody answers for the moment. It is ringing.
For God’s sake, someone picks up the phone. It keeps ringing.
"Hello, yes!" answered a woman with a nervous voice.

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"I’d like to speak to Sorin!"
"Sorin?!" she answered surprised.
"Yes, Sorin. He is my husband. I am Christine!
"I think it is a mistake, said the woman, hearing then the tone. Maybe she hung up.
Maybe it is a mistake, I said to myself. Oh, God how I want to be a mistake. I dial
the number again. It is ringing. It was a mistake for sure! I said to myself. It is ringing.
Nobody answers. It is ringing and ringing and ringing...
"Hello? I say with a trembling voice.
"I’ve just told you, lady, it was a mistake. Here doesn’t live any Sorin. He was here
years ago, i say this because it is twenty years ago since i bought this flat, the office of
an antiquary, but now it is my flat and I’d ask you not to call me anymore because you
wake up my nephew. I remembered his name was Sorin. He died for a long time,
somewhere in Antarctica.
I hung up. I feel like going crazy. No matter how hard I try to hide it, I feel me
tears going down.
"Bad news?" asked Hatty.
"Yes, aunt Hatty, very bad."
"Aunt Hatty?" she answered.
"I used the term „aunt" without being aware of it, because Christine call you so."
Maybe I would like to have an aunt in this moment. I am alone and sadder than ever!" I
tell all these to Hatty, without wanting to, and I feel that a vision beyond vision and
incorrigible hastens me to make all these confessions. I see Hatty rising from the
armchair and coming towards me. She puts her arm on my shoulder and says:
"Relax, Christine. We are born in this world to defeat the sufferance being aware
of the fact that everything is passing. You can call me „aunt Hatty", from now on. Do
you want a piece of charlotte?"
"No, not now, au... aunt Hatty", I say whispering.
"Aunt Hatty makes the best charlotte in the world", says young Christine.
"You should taste the charlotte. It just chilled.
Hatty set against the fridge. Although she is more than stout, Hatty moves as a
gymnast around the house. She was going to die in two three years of shell-shock in the
middle of the street. She laid on the sidewalk more hours until someone called the
ambulance. It was raining torrents over aunt Hatty that had died without making a
testament. She wouldn’t have left one even she knew she would die so sudden. If that
testament had existed, the house, where I am, wouldn’t have been demolished, and in
this place they wouldn’t have built a gas station and then a joy house. Should it have
left twenty years in five minutes? It was only five minutes the difference between the
stroke of the bell and seven o’clock, the hour of my world, only five bloody minutes!
Why five minutes?
Hatty brought me the charlotte, saying:
"You’ll see, Christine, how tasteful it is.
I feel like doing anything else, but eating the charlotte. I taste it just to please poor
Hatty.
"Mmmm! How tasteful it is", I say.
The true is the charlotte is extremely tasteful.
"I don’t make it with powder from the store, I have an old Austrian recipe that I
have from a friend of mine."
"Give the recipe to the lady", says young Christine.
"I will write it on a piece of paper, said Hatty, going to take a piece of paper and
something to write with."
"What’s the phone number of your friend that died, aunt Hatty", I asked her.

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"Why?" the young Christine asked me while Hatty stops and then turns her face
towards us.
"I feel like condoling myself", I say.
"What a strange happening", said the young Christine again.
"Strange", said Hatty.
I cannot understand, said the young Christine, how exactly aunt Hatty’s friend that
foretold her to go at seven o’clock to that crossroad in order to find my future together
with Fred, is dead in the same place and time?"
"It is, I said, trying to hide the truth, that the old lady on the street was, in fact,
nobody else but Christine herself sixty years later. WHAT I find strange it is not this
aspect, but that I died in my forties and not in my seventies. Who’s that nephew Ted
Williams? I don’t know I have a relative with this name! Maybe he was going to be
born after I was forty years old? If so, who’s in fact that Christine? This is a real
mystery for me and a certain Christine between forty ad seventy years old. Why didn‘t
the tomcat Fred die? Who’s world I am into?
"It is a strange coincidence", repeated Hatty. I met old Christine in a gas station.
I’d just filled up when she asked me to help her to fill her tank. Talking and talking, we
exchanged our phone numbers. She seemed a nice old lady, talkative that you couldn’t
stop. She read the cards and the coffee. She was right about all that she had read to me
so far, except what has happened today."What was the connection between the future of
young Christine and the death of old Christine?" said Hatty.
"Can I make a phone call?" I repeated the question.
"Yes, of course", answered Hatty. Her phone number is written on that business
card.
I step towards the phone. I find a business card where it is written: Christine Sorin,
editor. Next to the fax number, on the bottom right side, it is also written a phone
number.
"Christine Sorin? The old lady's name is Christine Sorin?" I asked Hatty.
"Exactly", she said.
"Oh, Jesus!" I said sighing.
"Jesus?" asked young Christine.
"Didn’t you hear about Jesus?" I asked her.
"No, who is he?"
"OK, it is not important", I tell her.
"Although, who is he?" this time Hatty repeated the question.
"The Savior!" I said.
I dial the number. It rings.
"Hello?" answers a thickly male voice.
"Hello?" I say again. Christine Sorin’s house?
"Yes, her former house" answers the same voice.
"I would like to offer my condolences."
"Condolences for whom, Christine?"
I almost felt. Everything around me was shaking. Finally I said:
"How do you know my name?"
"I am Cardinal Anthony Mc Coulaugh."
A violent earthquake begun suddenly and everything around me started to move. I
felt down. I have lost my senses. Where am I? Where are Hatty and young Christine?
All around me is dark. Am I alone? There were only my thoughts. I was trying to touch
myself, but I don’t have a body.
Suddenly, I hear a voice or better said a voice it is transmitted to me mentally.
"I am here, Christine!"

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"Who are you?" I ask the voice I’ve just heard.
"I am Lama, which is departed together with you and the cardinal on the road."
"On the road? Lama? Where are we, who are we and what is happening to us?
Where is the cardinal?"
"We have reached parallel worlds from the Universe of light, where our own will,
lust hope, love could give birth to a Universe.
"The World of the Thought?" I transmitted him.
"Yes. The thoughts are so intense in here that you can almost reach the Supreme
Truth by meditation!" Lama transmitted me.
"Why the world that I created in the Light Universe was destroyed? Why did the
time advance with five minutes than the hour of my Universe, and every thing changed
into a world were bad was the main thing? What does the suicide of old Christine
around seventy years old mean? Did I die twice? If not, what happen with the age
difference from forty to seventy? Who stole my world so suddenly I cannot answer you
at all this questions for the moment", said Lama.
"All I can do is to meditate one and all to that „perfect" world",Christine.
"Which do you think, Lama, that will be this"perfect" world?"
"It is possible to become the world where we find ourselves deeper, Christine."
"Farewell", Lama, I said to him dreaming at the world I retrieve first myself and
then I finish it according to it.
I am again lonely in the Universe of Parallel Mirrors where I am the only one that
can decide what worlds should be born.
I love Sorin, but I am aware that I cannot create myself that Sorin to satisfy me
completely, as I don’t know myself good enough.
This is why it would be better to let my thoughts fly freely without being cast into
the shade by any border of my desires and hopes. Maybe I will realize then who I truly
am!
Any desire, hope, belief in a certain taboo will make of the person I create, maybe,
the most perfect Sorin of all that I’ve ever imagined, but this will be only a artificial
perfection, that will become the same fatigue as in the world I have just created.
The perfection is completely strange to my being, generally to human beings.
I figure out that the true perfection means first of all genuineness, thus,
imperfection.
Man is a natural being, and the nature itself won’t let man to correct its own
imperfection by the perfection found by man.
Why? Is the nature itself too proud and in its arrogance doesn’t accept the quality
of demiurge of the man? No, no way.
The true perfection means only imperfection!
This is the nature of each phenomenon or process.
To truly long for the perfect imperfection of the nature I should free my senses, to
let them fly on the wings of hopes to meet the imperfect Sorin, the one that I need
because he anguishes me with his close feeling.
I let my thoughts fly freely.
I am sure that the thought freedom is the first step towards self recovery.
Where did I meet Sorin for the first time, in the earthy worlds?
If I let my spirit fly freely, I see myself somewhere in the medieval India.
This time I am not Christine anymore.
My name is Rashmi.
I feel a sad story, but this is the story I will find myself through. I died in his arms
in that world, in front of the altar of Goddess Veishno Devi.

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Chapter 7
I’m in the darkness of the Parallel Mirror Universe. I’m aware that I died in front
of the altar of Goddess Veishno Devi, that Sorin was a Tibetan monk that loved me, a
forbidden love by all the canons of those times morality canons that I treated underfoot.
I'm happy because this is me. I hardly now, freeing my thoughts, I’ve succeeded in
rediscovering myself, refinding the stranger in me that groping within the darkness of
my own desires and lust. I’m happy because I finally found that no man has inside his
soul desires or lust, but a spirit that wants nothing else but to be FREE, to fly free over
the infinite fields of the thoughts. There are no bad people, but people that don’t free
their spirit, that oppress it with all kind of lusts more and more ambitious, that make
nothing but alienate the man from itself and bring so many misfortunes in the history of
the civilizations Where are you, Lama?
"I’m here, Christine"
"I begin to realize where is the first level towards the"perfect" world, Lama."
"Where is it, Christine?"
"That level appears when you free your thoughts, letting them fly freely."
"You’re right, Christine, but until the accomplishment through geniality that we
are looking for, there are more levels. Maybe it would be better to mentally transmit to
each other the world created by the other to notice the differences or similarities of the
two worlds. Maybe we will find the Cardinal in this way!"
"The Cardinal? I think I found him in the world that has stolen my world," I
answered to Lama.
"Maybe yes, maybe no", said Lama.
"No?" I asked."I talked to him on the phone and he even recognized my name and
introduced himself."
"Maybe those were your own thoughts. Get up, Christine. You weren’t on Earth in
that Universe even if you had this feeling."
"Then, where was I, Lama?"
"This is what we have to find out. Send me mentally what you had done, thought,
wished, hoped and built from the moment you were in the light, in the parallel mirrors
of the light and up to the moment you reached me."
"In one second, Lama?"
"In less than a second, because here is no time or space."
"Have you met those parallel mirrors?" I asked Lama although I knew the answer.
I don’t know why I asked him, maybe, through his answer, to feel that somebody else
had had a similar experience, that I was not lonely and that I had someone next to me.
"Me too, Christine", said Lama.
"Now, Lama, I will mentally send you all I had done in that Universe to meditate
to the world I had created... I concentrate and pay attention to Lama, sending him what I
knew from my memory. It took less than a fraction of a second.
"I lived the Universe created by you. I will send you my world that I created in the
Universe of the Parallel Mirrors."
More and more colored images passed my mind. They fade away and the darkness
comes again.

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There is a perfect meditative silence. Somewhere, far away, on a background, I see
a great golden castle.
Tibetan monks levitate around this castle dressed in tile colored robes. No one
looks at me.
All, but absolutely all, stay into the lotus position and meditate. The monks and the
castle fade away and remain behind me. They remain covered in the darkness of the
great meditative silence.
In this darkness all the illusions with their consciences and consciousnesses were
born. This darkness is the parent of all that it is, was and will be. It is the middle of the
Great Creator of the future Universes!
I’m looking for the path of truth. Here I’m not anymore Lama Den Ying, I’m just a
feeling and nothing else.
I want the deepest silence; I want the more powerful meditation. Where is the path
to truth?
Should it be a crystalline water spring that comes from the deep of the mountain or
the path to truth is only you, Great Creator?
Aren’t you, Great Creator, the spring with crystal water; if so, let it flow towards
the oceans of the meditation.
This way, I remain with the darkness and silence of the nowheres and nevers,
thoughts.
Should this path be a star? Then, let it shine only in its time and not live in death
the longest life. Should it be the passion? But this could kill you.
What should it be, Great Creator of the Universe?
Should it be my thought? But which thought of mine since it doesn't know the
path? Should it be what I have more than my thought, is it part of myself?
If so, show me my God!
Show me the path to Truth!
The darkness becomes more and more oppressive, colder and more enormous, in
the same time.
Although I don’t see anything else but the total and gloomy darkness, I feel the
size, intensity of this Universe deeper and deeper. I feel like screaming. I scream: Aaaa!
Ah! Ah!
In front of me there is the contorted image of a beheaded man. He holds his head in
one hand. I am terrified.
"I am the martyr", he shouts.
"I am Lama Den Ying."
"You should understand the truth in you and forgive it!" says the martyr.
"To forget my own truth, martyr", I said to him.
"More than this, make a sacrifice of yourself for it even if it is a lie."
"Why, martyr?"
"Without lie, you will never reach the truth! I made the sacrifice for the truth of the
lie, and to be able to make a step forward, I have to forgive it, to forgive my own truth."
"That is also an illusion, martyr!"
"Exactly, Lama, exactly...", says the martyr sighing!
"Why did it need another sacrifice since you knew that the truth must be forgiven
because it is a lie? Why, martyr?"
"I believed in sacrifice. I knew that only the sacrifice is not a lie into my world,
Lama."
"And what did you find out, martyr?"
"That sacrifice is as big vanity as the other vanities. But to spiritually evolve and
create only one level of the seven levels leading to the path of truth you should forgive

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both the lie of your own truth and any sacrifice made sometimes for a certain reason."
"Is it the only way, martyr?" I asked him without thwarting at all.
"The only one", he says, while he separates from me until he disappears.
"I forgive my truth and my sacrifice made once!" I shouted to the darkness that
cuffed me with its more and more unbearable cold.
"I want the way to truth!" I keep shouting.
An obelisk appears in front of me, it gets closer and takes shape, it let me figure
out the letters incrusted in its marble. These are letters that I don’t know and I don’t
think I have ever seen them. I try to remember that maybe, sometimes, in my profound
meditations, I might have seen this white marbled obelisk in the darkness of my
existence. I think I saw it once, but I didn’t understand its meaning.
"Let me understand your writing", I say more for myself.
Nothing happens. The colossus remains as inert as previously.
"Are you the iron that shows me the way to the lie of the truth or to the truth of the
lie? The same deep silence.
"Are you the milestone between the illusion of life and faith?" Nothing. Milestone
and nothing else.
"Are you the darkness without times and spaces, are you the qualification of the
existence? I hardly feel a bustle as if the storm is coming. The obelisk gets colored so
that the letters incrusted in the white marble seem fired up by the inner fire of the light
whose rays write in the darkness.
"Peace, you shadowy fool of the wishful thinking dynasty! That stole from the
Destiny, bribing him with lie and frustration, Peace!"
And the obelisk stood away slowly until it disappears in the darkness.
I feel an interior peace, as I have never felt – inside my existence, since I am aware
of my existence.
"Peace! I shouted happy, that I didn’t care about cold and the desolated darkness!
From the bottom of the darkness, I see lamb. A beauty. I see now that its eyes are
inflamed. I feel a crazy hunger. A hunger that I have never felt before. The lamb
becomes a roasting jack. I want to eat. The hunger brought me to sacrifice the lamb, I
say to myself. The roasting jack becomes a beautiful woman. I don’t feel hunger
anymore. The woman seduces me with lustful movements. I want to make sex with her.
When I get close to the woman, she becomes a hawk that keeps in its beak a chunk
from carrion that smells like rotten meat. I back away, I try to run, but the hawk follows
me and reaches me. I can’t help it so I try to hold the position. I don’t want to go back, I
try to hold the position. The hawk’s claws shred my flesh; my flesh smells worse than
that carrion. I ask the hawk to shred my hideous flesh. I don’t know if I have pain.
Maybe I do or maybe I have forgotten what pain is? Suddenly, the hawks becomes
again a beautiful woman that caresses my while we are having sex. I forgot how we
want to create a new flesh that becomes carrion in the beak of the existence hawks.
When I thought of this phrase, the woman with all the sex we did, disappears and the
lamb comes bank, with its throat cut, this time.
"What a pity! I shouted. What a pity to sacrifice such an animal! What a pity!
Then the lamb with its bloody throat says: „The existence is through sin, through my
cut throat! Through rotten meat and sex! Do not sin not to be!" says the lamb while
going back in the darkness as well as the other things.
"I want to live without sin, but the existence is a lamb bloody throat, it is a sin!"
I have understood so far that the first three levels towards the way to truth would
be: the first level is to forgive my truth and sacrifice, the second level is to understand
and receive peace in my soul, and the third level is to know that the existence is a sin in
itself seen from the eyes of the lamb, sex and procreation from the eyes of the woman,

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food from the eyes of the hawk.
Then, why all these! I shouted in the darkness.
An arrow appears out of its depth. In the moment it passes quickly next to me, I
feel like gathering way and I follow it. I want to catch it, but I can’t. Running after the
arrow, I feel my time passing in our back. I reject the time. I don’t believe in it and,
suddenly, the arrow is in front of me, passing me, and then it disappears as it came.
Have I lived the present? No way. The arrow was never stationary, but only within
my easy reach. Have I lived the future? No, because I would have reached the arrow.
Have I live the past? No! if I had lived the past, the arrow wouldn’t have disappeared.
Then?! What did I live?!
Illusion! Illusion, Illusion, I shouted in the desert of my soul darkness. Illusion is
the forth level in the way of truth.
I feel troubled by all these levels that I climbed. I feel pity for myself that I live in
this part of the Universe. Have mercy, Great Creator of the Universe. I feel only
disillusion and agony. I want the ecstasy, but the way to truth doesn’t let me. I want
love, nut the next level is long in coming. Why?! I asked myself disoriented. Why?
Suddenly, a thought like a thunder came to me mind!
"Because you are! We are a being! Being that doesn’t know the present and runs
towards a future without past as the present doesn’t exist and will never exist. This is
the fifth level. Don’t forget, when you step on this level that neither the future nor the
past don’t exist and no matter how hard you will run towards the future, you that don’t
have a present, you cannot have future, but especially past. As long as you are a being,
you are vanity, no matter the Universe you escape in. as long as you will be a being,
will not understand the being!
What I should do, I told myself eventually.
Try to die in order to revive! This is the statement of the fifth level.
I am dead! I left my body on the Earth. I think my body was already burnt, maybe
it is dust taken by the eastern wind to the mountains full of the secrets hidden through
the spiritual cliffs of the monks. Maybe I‘ve been dead for one thousand, a million, a
billion of years! Maybe Earth doesn’t exist anymore?! Where should I go back if I want
to become a being?
Dead?! I shouted in the darkness.
Suddenly, giant flames, warm, like aurora borealis, cut the darkness. Flashes of
lightning stranger and stranger come close to me. What is going on?! I say to myself
fiercely. The flashes of lightning begin to strike ceaselessly. How are these flashes?
They strike me harder and harder burning my soul. Why? At each of my questions, the
action of these flashes on my soul is more and more intense. I refuse to think! I shout.
Suddenly, everything stopped, remaining only that white light in the darkness that
disappears, too. I understand now, I said to myself. It is important not to think, to accept
the light of the darkness! This is the sixth level to the way of truth.
What I don’t know is how I can die, if physically I am dead? A voice come from
nowhere that loses itself in nowhere, gets close to me. What I didn’t understand first I
understand now. „Love the light of the darkness, the being that engenders your thought,
the lie of the time, the sin, the peace, the martyr, love every level that you climbed in
your way towards the truth and find out that the truth for you as being is vanity, and for
me as non-being is the way to sublime. Only love can kill you! Love, love, love! love as
much as you can the seventh and last level on you way of being towards searching of
the truth". This is the level of the vanity! Love to be able to die!
"I lived in your world, Lama, but I learnt that once climbed these levels you figure
out the vanity of the being and you want to die!"
"The truth must be accepted no matter how cruel it would seem", says Lama.

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"Even if it brings you to self destruction", repeated Lama. Everything has a reason,
not sense, even if we pass from one world to another, even if the sense of this world is
opposite to the sense of the other worlds. That is why, the non-being will never feel the
vanity of the being in the same context under the sway of the same rules."
"The being from the world of the non-being isn’t a being, too?"
"No, Christine! There are no beings!"
"Then what is a being, Lama? We are both dead for the earthy world and thus we
cannot see ourselves as dead! Are we still beings or what are we, Lama?"
"We are beings, for as long as we think and use a language that includes
temporality in its characteristics!
"In the other world, when we aren’t beings anymore, what we will be, Lama?"
"I don’t know to tell you exactly, because I’ve never been there so far, but I think it
is a world that doesn’t exist in the aware sense of the being, so you cannot event talk
about it. I think it is a world where any thought, energy or consciousness is done
without the help of the temporal dimensions. The space doesn’t exist, as it is time in the
beforehand world! Everything will be put within other dimensions totally unknown.
Maybe only the life essence that will become space, but what kind of space I don’t
know, and the time – life essence, but what kind of life essence we might find out there.
Even the term „there" is inadequate.
"Maybe that is the after world, or maybe not. We will see, Christine. I want to
meditate now to the world you created, to the world where you received that mysterious
phone call, in order to try to find out the Cardinal".
"OK, Lama, I told him and then another thought began to appear in my mind: I
don’t understand, Lama, how are we being inside the light where there is no time or
space?"
"You haven’t understood, dear Christine. even if around us, there is no time and
space, even if we don’t evolve physically in their space, we exist for as long as we are
aware, for as long as we think, for as long as we have times and spaces in us. Only total
death can save us of this curse!"
"Then, are we going to be something else or nothing, Lama?"
"We will see, Christine".
"If we are something else, it is terrible. How will I be aware of myself, that I am
Christine that looks for Sorin in the After World? If together with the death of the
being, of the space and time out of myself, everything dies, disappearing for ever,
Christine of this Universe, and even from the memory of the elementary particles that
formed it once? If so, I will never be able to accept the death of the being. I knew that
nothing dies in the Universe but it transforms everything."
"It is so", says Lama.
"Then, how can the logic of the parallel mirrors Universe of the light ask us to die?
We, as beings, are waiting for a new revival after death. After winter, spring comes,
right?"
"It is very true, Christine."
"Then, why are we dying?"
"You’ve just answered to yourself".
"How?"
"After winter, spring always comes."
"We are somewhere at the end of the autumn, Lama."
"Yes, Christine!"
"The fruits of our thoughts began to rot in the cold of the winter that is coming?"
"That threatens us with blizzard and ice."
"Then, let’s die, Lama, in order to revive in the spring."

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"Let’s die, Christine. First of all, we should find the Cardinal."
"Meditate, Lama! Meditate to the world I created!"
"Did you understand what the genius of the being, Christine is?"
"Yes, Lama. The genius of the being is vanity!"
"The genius if the being is vanity", repeated Lama.
"This is why, we have to get rid of the beings!" I told him.
"Exactly, Christine".
"The illusion of the being supposes the hope to a future, living a continuous
future", I told Lama.
"Just illusion, dear Christine, because the future doesn’t exist since present doesn’t
exist!"
"That’s right, Lama, but why the being needs future and past since it has both of
them in a time with only one dimension?"
"That only dimension of the time is the illusion of the present, meaning, in fact, the
inexistence of the time."
"Since time doesn’t exist, Lama, there is no being, because its existence in itself is
conditioned by time and space!"
"Of course, Christine. there is only the illusion of the being, that is why we should
die to free and escape form this illusion!"
"To die coming back in another illusion, Lama?"
"Nobody can know that."
"We know al least that the illusion of the being depends of the time flowing that
comes from the future, where the being illusion lives that considers it to be present and
it will be past. The one that"will be" past, projects our unborn past somewhere in the
future, too.
"Even the illusion of the being exists in our own illusory time that is the future that
includes in it, the past. The temporal sense of the being is that the future includes in its
magical circle the past and vice versa!"
Imagine a circle and a point in its centre. The circumference is the future, and the
point is the past.
"So the past is in the future, Lama?"
"More than sure, Christine".
"What would happen if the future were in the past?"
"The illusion of the being wouldn’t aspirate to its exterior, towards becoming,
existence and transformation of the physical and identical world both socially and
individually, of its own consciousness, the affective, cognitive and willed factors, but it
will aspire to its interior, having only its own Universe that he would change, like a God
seen by the illusion of the being’s life!"
"Do you mean, Lama, that God is being that exists, the becoming in a past that has
the future in the middle? Does God always aspire to transform the physical and ideatical
world from a past where the future exists? This means that God is being, too, but the
opposite of our being that is our existential illusion opposite?"
"No way, Christine, and I will explain you why! The being cannot accept logically
the supernatural only as its opposite. Once we have the illusion of living in the future,
our God can’t be as we are. Another cause would be that we cannot reflect the image of
the supernatural from the illusion we are in and by means of which we think only as
illusion opposite to ourselves. God is not an illusion!"
"Then, Lama, we know in our subconscious, that God exists only by means of the
fact that we perceive the illusion of the time?!"
"Oh, of course, Christine. Compared to the being, God is situated in time, within the
temporal dimension. If man didn’t know the time, he wouldn’t know God."

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"The attributes of the dimensionality, Lama, the present, the future and the past, give sense
to the being by making aware the fact that to aspire to the future that we should
transform, in an illusory way, of course, building a brand new society, more and more
developed technologically, politically, religiously, scientifically, culturally, in a word,
the being aspires towards perfection.
To aspire to perfection the being needs a leader that is God to create a hierarchy of
the values. This leader is totally irrefutable on the side of the being supernatural,
meaning that in the past that incorporates the future, being the opposite of the being in
the same time that is from a permanent future that includes the past.
Then the being will need a leader similar to it, of the same sense with it that should
exist within the future that includes the past. That leader will be the being.
This is why, within the society the being needs a leader because it doesn’t have to
agonize between itself and the self alienation. A perfect society of the being is a society
with a universal leader, with an universal government, where each person should have
equal rights. Such a perfect society is a universal socialism where the universal leader
should be elected for a limited period of time, four or five years, respectively, when the
universal government should be the result of the elections of two parties, that guarantee
the individual property of the person, up to a certain limit, so that man shouldn’t be
gripped by man. To create collective capitals: enterprises.
The two parties will elect both the universal government and the president. For the
fight between the two parties shouldn’t degenerate into a fanatic communism or a
savage capitalism, the spirits of the Earth should evolve. The NEW ERA, that began,
will reach this evolution by accepting the new philosophies. This would be the perfect
structure for the being in the Illusion of Life!"
"Yes, Christine, you are perfectly right."
"The dictatorship is necessary for the being and not in its disadvantage. Every
thing that is hierarchy is dictatorship, Lama, no matter if this is recognized or not. When
the hierarchy is not respected apparently, this is a false dictatorship. A society, no
matter how free it’d seemed, it is a dictatorship and it is stranger that, the freer a
society, the more dictatorial it is. In communism, the dictatorship was held by the
leader, being recognized and accepted as state policy. The being sees it, denies it and
the envy was imputed to the leadership.
In the wild capitalism, the dictatorship is not recognized as state policy. The being
is given the illusory free, but the hierarchy succumbs to the being, dehumanizing it by
subordinating the values outside it such as money, the servility to all king of villains
that knew hoe to lie, to steel, so blackmail, but now they are respectable business men. I
think that if each party of the two, that will vote the universal government, will have its
own police and information service, it will obtain a certain balance regarding the social
rights and obligations of the being. The worst wrong that could ever happen, would be
the union of the two parties that elect the Universal Government!"
"You are right, Christine, because for as long as there will be countries on the
Earth that we have left, there will be no tranquility, peace, truth and so on in the being’s
society.
As the being has only one God, it must have a single religion in the future! Man is
a human being!
Only the representation of the evil opposes to the union of the religions, stating
that their religion is more veridical as their hierarchy will fall down, this hierarchy that
led to the criminal history and full of sufferance of the humanity.
As man should have a single God, for the entire planet, it must have a single
universal leader and a single universal government! The entire planet should be one and
the same planet where people should have equal rights and obligations!

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All the same, the countries, as well as the religions, had their importance at a
certain historical moment! Do not forget that the history means past!
Past means God, when it includes future!
In our history we can find the future: one God!
Future means being when it includes past!
In our future there is the being only near God!
The being without God DOESN’T exist.
God exists through the being only in the illusion of Life! Which is time!
That means that in reality, God doesn’t exist through the being!
"What would be the name of this perfect society, Lama?"
"NEW ERA, Christine. The NEW ERA, that will bring us the being’s revival, will
help its accomplishment on all sites. The NEW ERA will be the being’s Paradise,
moved down to Earth!
Once the NEW ERA come, the humankind will leave forever the hell of wars, of
the being distortion towards evil and sufferance! The human being longs for god, for
absolute, so it longs for the past that includes the future. The being longs for past!
God is the one that longs for future, because His past includes the future and not
Hiss future includes the past as in the case of the being. For as long as we would
understand that we have a history, we will understand that God exists, even if He is
referred to our great or reprehensible facts!
The Paradise NEW ERA comes from the ancestral past of the being given by God
in order to find its identity and the future in God!
God is UNIQUE for all beings because within the temporal dimension there is no
attribute for the temporal dimension besides the past, which is referred to future and
within the Illusion of life se passes through the past!
God is unique as well as the time!
For the being, besides the time and the space there is no other dimension to be
aware of!
The third dimension that is the third Factor or the life Dimension exists between
time and space and it is subject to God!
God is time for the being!
God is the Great Creator of the Universe that made the Great Contemplation for
the Universe and all that is or is not!
The worst evil of humankind id the one that opposes against the union of the
countries, the one that considers itself as God!
It is not good to exterminate or persecute these in order to make them understand
part of the truth of the Life Illusion truth!
Only love and understanding will put them on the way towards truth!
There is no perfect human being as there is no imperfect God!
Never kill or persecute the being because it is not you that brought the being on the
world!
Who will kill or persecute the being, should not be killed, but should be educated
towards the value of the being for the rest of his life!
There is no being not to fail, as there is no God not to determine the being!
The being mustn’t believe, but hope!
When the being believes, it accepts the death!
Within the true God, the Being that believes is a dead being, but the Being that
hopes is an alive Being!
Life and Death id Believing and Hoping!
The God of the being is situated in the past before birth where your future is
situated, so God is death!

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Life is the being!
To believe and not search means die twice, but being once with God.
To search and believe means to be born for the illusion of life, but to die also for
God!
We are „obliged"to come back to God, no matter our wish, our free will!
Thus, we are castaway that see the stars dead of billions of years in the preset, but
for which the free will exists only through the Illusion of Life that is nothing else but
the Great Dictatorship of God!
Why?
"For the destinism to exult! I told to Lama.
"Maybe you have noticed that I read from the Holly Book of the Destiny,
Christine? Book that I read from the world of your thoughts."
"I know, Lama!"
"That who answered to you call and pretended to be Cardinal Anthony Mc
Coulaugh, was not the Cardinal!"
"But who, Lama?"
"That was the intervention of the life factor, the third dimension of your world that
excluded you!"
"Excluded me from my own world? From the world I had created?"
"Yes, Christine. If it hadn’t done this, the whole scaffold of the respective world
would have disappeared!"
"I don’t understand, Lama, why?"
"Because you were an exterior factor of that world and you, through your presence,
did nothing else but opposed to the laws of existence and becoming of the respective
world!"
"I wasn’t accepted eventually by my own world that I had created and that, in fact,
was the Universe of my thoughts, Lama?"
"Of course, Christine! Your world, once you had finished your creation wasn’t yours
anymore! Your world had transformed slowly once the moment of the creation finished.
It is exactly as if you give birth to a child. You hold him in your belly, but once he
comes to life, he will have his own life, Christine!"
"What’s the difference between me and the Life Dimension, of the new world,
Lama?"
"Not more than five minutes."
"But do these five minutes mean another world, Lama? then where is the Cardinal,
Lama?"
"I think I found him, Christine, because in the previous split second I lived in your
world and that is why we both should go into his world."
"And still, Lama! How did the faith in Destiny appear in my world, a world that
was at the beginning without churches, a world the advanced its time with five minutes!
Why? Maybe after the advancement of the time did the faith appear?"
"It is about the third dimension that is the Life Dimension in the world created by
you!"
"What do you mean by that, Lama?"
"You, dear Christine, you didn’t build a world up from zero, from nothing, but you
built you from yourself, form the Universe of thoughts that was not created by you!
You were exactly like a mother that gave birth to a child! Even if you had wished, you
wouldn’t have been able to create a world from thoughts, desires ad aspirations that you
had never had!
You, as a human being, Christine, as a soul, were, had been tributary in thoughts
and feelings to the life factor, to the third dimension that you hold in yourself, in your

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dreams, hopes and aspirations, even here, next to me, as I do. When we die for the
second time, we might use the life factor. If this factor hadn’t been in you, even after
the earthy death, you couldn’t have built your world, as well as a mother could not give
birth to a child without the genetic code she has! More than that! If you hadn’t had that
life factor, your world wouldn’t have existed at all, not even under another structure.
That is why, I told you that we must die one more time to get rid of any thought
and all that belonged not only to the life factor, but both to time and space.
"I understand, Lama. how did you succeed in finding where the Cardinal was?"
"First of all, I went from your world, Christine!"
"Then?"
"Walking down the boulevards of Manhattan, I saw a hawk that rushed to a pigeon
to grab it."
"I see nothing special in this, Lama!" I said to him confused.
"At first sight, it doesn’t look out of the common that a hawk attacks a pigeon, but
still, it happens in your part of the world where there hadn’t appear the churches and the
evil hadn’t been known!"
"Once a hawk attacks a pigeon, this means..."
"This means the evil appear slowly hiding under the blanket of the struggle for life,
the necessity to live by killing."
"This is true, Lama! I wouldn’t have liked another world with aggressor and
victim. But I don’t figure out which is the connection with the Cardinal."
"The pigeon in the catholic religion is represented as if it were the soul."
"So"? I asked him.
"Which soul can be attacked in your world?"
"Why the Cardinal’s?" I asked him.
"Because, churches don’t exist and that soul was rejected by your world. That
rejection being represented by the hawk, the force of your world and the pigeon that is
looking for you and cannot penetrates the veil that protects your world!"
"Who else should look for you, Christine, but the Cardinal? I didn’t do it, because I
knew you would come here eventually."
"Then, why didn’t the Cardinal come? Why, Lama?"
"Because the evolution of his soul is in accordance with the profoundness of his
soul, Christine."
"What do you mean, Lama?"
"The Cardinal adopts his own religious world, Christine."
"In fact, how did you succeed in finding him after that pigeon?"
"Everything passed off very easy, Christine. I removed the time the pigeon had
been in the hawk’s claws, eating him up. I took the pigeon in my hands. In that
moment, the world of Cardinal Anthony Mc Coulough developed in front of me!
Follow me, Christine!" said Lama.
"How could you advance the time, Lama?"
"Here where we are now, Christine, is no time. We can mediate billions of years,
in a split fraction, as we can run in any past or present we want to. Why in the past or
present? Because deep down our souls, even in this area without time, we still belong to
the third dimension that is the dimension of life for our thoughts. Seeing how the hawk
grabs the pigeon, I rolled off the events, when the hawk hadn’t seen the pigeon yet."
"For you to catch the pigeon, Lama."
"Exactly, Christine."
"I understand, Lama. Once the pigeon caught you entered the Cardinal’s world."
"Yes, Christine."
I am walking with Lama through the priest’s world. I don’t know for how long, in

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case there is still time. I haven’t seen any city, or street or church. It is strange, but
within the priest’s church, I didn’t see any church. The few people I met greeted in a
strange way. Each, when they passed by, took a fist of dust throwing it into our
direction. At the beginning, I thought that was an offense, but then I noticed they did
the same with each other. Finally, I asked an inhabitant of this world why they used
such a greeting? He looked at me as at a mad woman, I told him I was pious, and finally
he told that the blessing of the dust was the sense of the existence of each earth-born!
He recommended me a hospital because, both me and Lama were dressed as on the
Earth. In the priest’s world, some people had the sexes uncovered. He told me that only
fools were ashamed to show their sex! Why? Why, answered me an inhabitant of this
world. Because this is God's order! It is not good to oppose the religion! The shame
towards nakedness brings to sin! And the sin brings to pain and sufferance, death,
crimes, raps and all kind of infamies.
One of the religious instructions of this world is that all that is forbidden become
more wanted, the more the sex! Studying their Bible, I learnt that people come from a
sin world, where the infamies were hidden under the camouflage of the morality, this is
why, and the word of the morality is the worse word that we can say in the priest’s
world. I also read that you could save yourself from sins in the moment the morality
disappeared!
Only God can say what is moral or not. Another great sin was to own something
because the Bible of this world says that sex brought humankind to the avidity for
ownership, by the egoism that gave birth to jealousy and with for ownership, at the
beginning by being master of the partner, reaching to the dirtiest things, leading to the
sharing of the money, to the spiritual and moral alienation, this is why people mustn’t
own anything! Another quotation says: „in this short and passing life, only love is
worthy, but to love means not only to think good of the people around you, but
especially, to send off any feeling that can bring you to jealousy! Because man lived in
a world where everything could be sold, where the difference between truth and false
was nothing else, but a simple change of shade of the same false truth where the
greatest enemy of man was society itself created by him! The soul should run away of
every social form!"
We are in a strange world, where, although the morality is not accepted, it had its
well defined percepts and why shouldn’t I recognize, closer to the essence of the human
soul. I met the Cardinal is a similar strange way as strange this world was. I don’t know
if accidentally, because in the existence nothing is accidentally, but rather is due to the
third dimension, the Life Dimension!
I was together with Lama in a daffodil glade. Lama took a daffodil and he gave it
to me. I cannot imagine how an inhabitant saw us. He got close to us shouting
something incomprehensible and gesturing. When he got close you, in stead of
throwing dust onto us, he kneed and stroke his face from the ground, shouting:
„Sacrilege!"followed by incomprehensible babbling. At short, other people came
together with the Cardinal. We then found out how sin it was to take a flower! Asking
the Cardinal how he had succeed in building such a society, he told me that he had
reached the conclusion the nature was part of God and that it was very important to live
in harmony with God. Any other person than the one speaking, is part of the nature, that
means that the harmony between people is the most valuable thing. But, the harmony
cannot be achieved without equal chances between the individuals. The father reached
to the conclusion that the type of society where the individual shouldn’t own anything is
the perfect type of society if it is not led through dictatorship, but by the free approval
of the individuals. I remember I asked him: „how could you achieve this, father? As we
know that no matter how much we want the chances between the individuals to be

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equal and no matter if the society would guarantee this, it would be nothing but a lie,
because man is born different from other men. One is smarter, one duller, one more
talented to shake down, one in art, thus, the inequality appears from birth moment, and
this is why the trials for socialist and communist societies failed. Man cannot be equal
to the other but through force, through dictatorship to the social level. Then, father? I
find it impossible to understand".
"No, Christine, it is not impossible. When I realized I could become creator of a
world, I wanted form the beginning a world where sin, and especially, the original sin
should not be found but as history, as a level of purity comparison. This is why, I tried
to eliminate at the beginning, any negative feeling of the human consciousness
structure. Even if at individual level I would have succeeded, when the individual
entered in the society, becoming part of this, he alters, becoming the possessor of some
negative feelings. I have changed three types of societies and I haven’t succeed in
creating the society I wanted, especially because the first society destroyed itself,
because its individuals could use their entire brain and that gave them an enormous
force that, I can say, outwitted their thinking because otherwise it wouldn’t have
destroyed itself. When I shortened the possibility to use the entire brain, bringing them
to the level of earth-man, they didn’t destroy themselves, but they became very
religious and total adepts of an original sin! I discovered then, Christine that man's
original sin originated in his impossibility to use the entire brain. Maybe the creator of
Earth had problems with man that could use his whole brain capacity and reduced him
at what we all know. This reduction is the basis of the religion because if it had been
remained as at the beginning with the whole brain capacity, it would have been a failed
experiment as the being would have destroyed itself!"
"And yet, father, what made you create such a society?"
"Firstly, the fact that for each soul that might become sinful, there is an After
world. For the innocent souls, the After world has no Hell, but only Heaven. In one
word, you receive the"worldly" paradise in order to achieve the divine one!"
The hydrogen, the oxygen, and the methane constitute the link between life and
death, love and Destiny, the miracle of life and death!
After we had change two types of the existential configurations, the first, of one
who couldn't work entirely with his brain, and the second of human beings, who
couldn’t perform with it more than a few insignificant percentage, I decided to secure a
genetic change upon the human DNA. It is known that the DNA is composed of four
alkali. It is essential to replace one of these alkalis or to produce a fifth alkali that
should form a new DNA. Due to the fact that an alkali consists of a methale atom
connected of one or more hidroxyls, I replaced the hydroxyl classification from the
alkalis.
"And then, father?"
"Accidentally, I felt more lonely than ever in the Universe of the Parallel Mirrors
of Light, sighing after the society of the new DNA, that would never be participant to
the original sin! The primordial water had turned into a substance composed not of
hydrogen, but of an unknown/new element, even"thinner" than that. The genetic
structure of the men you have seen, is exactly this, dear Christine!"
"This structure of the human DNA was the base of the Original Sin? I asked the
priest. The DNA gave birth to the humans' After world?"
"Yes, Christine! Our Original Sin consists in water! In its fusion with the metal in
order to put a shape in, to exist as a biological Illusion of Life. We consist of both
exhalation and metal; we were born sinful in a world of suffering. The metal called
upon us to feel its harshness, while in our sentimental world vibrates the feeling of
desperation and alienation not only for ourselves, but also for the Illusion of Life which

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was given to us so that we could be happy. And we might be happy if the primordial
water would never freeze in front of the inert and cold metal of our hostile life. Maybe
at that moment we would finally discover our true personalities, when the heavy led
would melt again, when we would be free from the burden of the heavy metal that
keeps us trapped in a world in which our birth means our death. Without having
committed any sin we are born to die! Why is that, metal? Why don't you let water melt
so that it can animate our Destiny?
The metal told me to ask the water. It was then when I dived into the ocean to
quince my thirst for"knowing what I don't know", and I drank brackish water until
saturation, and even more, until I have drowned, and only then, I found the answer of
the water, when I was already dead!
And I didn't need any answer, because I knew that death was dead!
I had to rise again in the Universe of the Parallel Mirrors of Light in order to
understand that I should ask neither the water in you, nor the led, because the answer
would always be the same undeniable one: DEATH!
We would never know more about this life than the water and the metal inside us
and our alter ego allow us!" the father told me with nostalgia.
"From our future and ancestral past we have kept only the intuition, father, which
develops in the Universe of the Parallel Mirror of Lights, remembering us that we still
have something divine in us from the time we were gods, before being caught in the
trap of the Illusion of Life. What is the connection between water and the Dimension of
Life, father?"
"The oceans, the lakes, the rivers, all these are nothing else but visible projection
of the Factor of Life, which actually it is not water, but sense, and that's why we should
call it the dimension of sense, among the temporal and space dimensions. Only in the
Illusion of Life this dimension appears as water!"
"This dimension, father, has created the Original Sin and the After world where
there are souls convicted to Hell and to paradise. Is this the World of the Water, our
World?"
"We are the World of Water, everything that is alive, animals, and plants. It is a
world that we, the inhabitants, consider it to be perfect, mythical, but in fact, it is far
from being perfect, but vile. I'm sorry to say such a thing about a world created by God,
but not God himself says that the truth is holy? Then, why are we born in the lie of the
Illusion of Life?"
"Thus, ather, we had better bring the Paradise on earth,a nd not the After World."
"This is one of the most important things of humankind, but impossible in the
World of Water!"
"Why did the new element that should have replaced the hidroxyl classification
have to be a"water" different from ours, with an lighter element?"
"Christine, the hidroxyl or the Primordial Water, as I call it, has in its composition
the lightest element ever known by humanity, and not the heaviest!"
"A heavier element would lead to the impossibility to create life, as sense is
connected with the new world through a chemical configuration, in which we discover
the element at the base of the periodic table, not only as a structure, but also as physical
values. In our World of Water is the Hydrogen, in the world that I created it is another
substance. it s important that we manage, due to our senses, to have these substances as
such, which is not correct. In fact, they are not substances. If our senses were oriented
towards other coordinates, we would perceive them differently!"
"It means that the people we see in your world, father, are not actually humans?"
"Undoubtedly, Christine, they are figures with human appearance, which I have
managed to study, although I have created their whole world. A place where all the

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deficiencies of our world have vanished. In this world, nobody knows what doubt or the
will for upstart ness are. There is no money, but mutual changes of interests, no lost for
cheating other's trust. I think I would have wanted to be born in the world that I had
created, a world without the Last Judgment, because SIN doesn't exist!"
"How could we change the World of Water, father, Our World?"
"Only by renouncing to the water in us!"
"How come? Water is primordial to life, without it, life would be impossible!"
"If we wait quietly and wisely for death!"
"For death, father?"
"Yes, Christine, for death!"
"I'm with Lama. T he father didn't want to continue his trip with us, because he
couldn't depart from the world he had created and I think he would have never
found/rediscovered himself better in another world. This was the proof that the father
was the only one capable to have a strong connection with him in order to rediscover
his true personality. We were not yet capable of such thing. When I asked the father
what it was that made him end his trip, he answered:"
"There is no Original Sin, nor the After World here. These creatures have never
heard about devils or judgments. The lack of water from their genetic structure has
allowed the Paradise to enter their own Illusion of Life, realizing that death is nothing
but a passing among others, not for the specific person, who would never know that he
died, but would only understand that the paradise of his existence would extent into an
eternity where time is not only worthless, but it didn't exist in the Innocent World,
where people have died Without Death and have lived Without Life, feeling inside the
moment Without Time, the time Without the Moment!"
"Farewell, father, I told him, while a salt tear trickled on my thirsty lips, thirsty to
know why is death in Our Earthly World so intricate, why does the instinct of life, of
the Illusion of Life tell us that we are doomed to death when we in fact are reborn
through death? Why?"
"Finally, me and Lama had decided to leave the fallowing letter, just in case one of
us would have turned back from a world Without its people, beyond the Universe of the
Parallel Mirrors of Light. The one that would have returned from this form of existence
or nonexistence, where not even dimensions were nonsense, had to leave the other one
some written words, n case that he would have come back too.
The letter is as fallows:
"We, Lama and Christine have chosen to go beyond the human condition, to
understand what genius is and whether it is vanity or not.
We understood that in the Illusion of Life genius is vanity!
Thus, we don't want to have nothing to do with life.
We want a journey in the After World, which doesn't want to receive us not even
as unanimated souls.
We understood that in order to enter that entity, we should die not only physically,
but also mentally, we should renounce to our thoughts too.
Thus, what is genius? Just nothing but a dream that fades away shatters at dawn?
What about death?
What about us?
We were born to die, and we died to rise again from the essence of our astral
dreams/ideals, just as the stars' birth and extinction were marked in the book of the
worlds called Destin.
And we rose, but in order to die, as resurrection lies only in death!
When I had died, I asked God, the Lord of the Universe inside me, to give me the
power to remember in the ancestral memory of my soul the life I once lived on Earth as

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a human being.
I want to compare that existence with what I experience now. With every earthly
moment, cause here there is no time nor space in the telluric acceptation, I realize that
nothing was arbitrary on Earth, not even the moment when I decided to abandon forever
my body, to enter another dimension, where the mirage of the worlds interweaved with
the impotence to face God, trying to cross the existence only with the power of our
mind and will. The Cardinal"remained" in the world that he wanted. Until, perhaps, he
has reached"Nirvana", the stage he wanted, and I, through my own determination and
will, I have returned to the Universe I have created, where, with God's will, I died!
Only now I have entered a world where there are no humans and beings in the
acception we once knew.The action didn't occur taking into account a certain time or
space,as it did on Earth. Here, everything is eternal, it looks frozen,but beside all
these,it is still an internal social life,but above all, there are admiration and faith in God!
In this world,every being is a star. If we thought as we did on Earth, from the
perspective of time and space,they would have a specific shape, would be born and
would die, living billions and billions of years just that in the end, the light sent out by
that particular star to reach the earthy faces after other billions and billions of
years,defying time.
On Earth,people used to say that every person had his star and when somebody had
died,not only he himself would have,but also his star,which was actually compared with
his ephemeral destiny.
Which is the connection between stars and humans,beside the travelling path of the
light given by the stars of the human soul, which perambulates the time and space of the
eyes persecuted by their own illusory existence?
Yes, me, Christine, I am now a star,who, some day after a long period of time from
my death,I shall rise again in the soul of a child,in another existence of another Earth,all
these when the Earth I had lived,would have been long ago dead, and even forgotten by
the cosmic essence.I shall rise thruogh the light that would carry on the message of my
existence,the formal Christine,the present star Christine.Although I am here,Idid not yet
abandon the Existence. I experience the miracle of the identity of another form of
existence.
My own existence is seen as a star by the earthings,but not in the least by the
society which characterizes this world.Here,we are not stars,and we don't even have a
spatial or temporal identity.The identity of every soul lies in both the number and
delimitation of one's revelations.We don't have the concept of death,and neither the idea
of abandoning this world,as"the life" in here prolongs through the revelation in"this"
death,because the notion of"there" doesn't exist,as it is a world in which the notion of
motion and conversion exist only at an ideative level.The theorization of the conversion
leads to the inhesion of the theorization of death,but seen only as something exterior to
the being.
"My revelations until now from the Revelation's World are in fact my own
life.Everything that worths takes life at the same time with death!
I'm dead,therefor I Exist!
The new born whose experience has continued in death,lives his birth over and
over,ascending always to the heights of life until life itself will show him mercy,leaving
him to die in order to rise again.When you mow the grass of words,you should be
carreful not to cut the blades that are or are not,because otherwise the grass becomes
useless.
I want to look for other blades similar to yes and no.What I didn't find on Earth,I
found in here.I am terrified when I realise that in the mowed grass there is nothing but
blades with yes an no but wich have other meanings wich didn't exist on Earth.

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For now, a red, sentimental and hot thought tells me:"Welcome to the Revelations
World, newborn child!".Only now I realise that I don't have a body or a tongue, I am
what I am not. I started to scatter my entire fortune, because my fear told me that next
to a yes and a no are also an infinity of other herbs similar to those but totally different.I
knew that I knew and I would know what I didn't know in order to know that in the
Revelations' World an infinity of genders exist, other than male and female,not only 2
as on Earth, and so many other herbs different form yes and no.
Equally true is that except life and death there are a whole other meanings just like
the infinity of genders, others than male and female or than yes or no.In the Revelations
World, death in its infinite meanings rebecomes life and life death.Here, I am neither
man nor woman, I don't even know which is my opposite gender, but in fact I don't
need this, as here none gives birth but is borne just like nobody dies but is dead.
The 2 contraries from the Earthly life were transformed in that infinity of
contraries.Thus, the good and the evil, the beautiful and the ugly, yes or no, and many
others have received an infinity of contraries of their own and of their
contraries.Everything that is true in the Revelation' World is both false and total,but
infinitely more times differently.I am both everything that stands for my infinite
identities,and the entity that doesn't represent me and is external.On Earth, such a thing
is impossible because we can't claim that I am the mountain in front of me, the Sun, and
the stars that twinkled chaotically through the Universe.Here I feel that I know what I
am.
I am the rain, the stars that twinkled on the dark sky and the spring with its buds
and I am all that I know I am.I am death and life, and birth, and clouds, and all these put
together for what I know and still know that I don't know that it could be transformed in
other contraries such as truth, death, life, birth, the genders male and female, the yes
and no,and many other notions which would become a small part of the others.Thus, on
orange evening of october becomes one of the infinite contraries of the truth, or another
gender, different from the male and female ones, which I didn't know existed, or
another contrary next to yes and no.
In the Revelations 'World every known person becomes a new contrary compared
to Earth where the number of contraries was reduced to only 2, and the words remained
notions wich expressed"that something" from space and time, from a magnificent image
of a sunrise up to the alkali taken to that moon,without realising the existence of that
which is known in itself as a new contrary.
This existence would become not only beautiful but also tormenting for an earthing
who is caught in the girth of the flesh, but, seen from here through the perspective of
our free will,the result is totally different, because here we have more than one free will
to create a beautiful existence.Next to the terrifying images of space and time which
exist on Earth, here you have the possibility to unwind other and other images even
more beautiful because we live in a world where next to time and space there are other
dimensions which make time and space impossible to perceive like on Earth, only in the
will to unwind them inside every soul. Odd as it may seem, in the Revelation' World
space is nothing but a simple color, and time but a sound.
Death is a new birth, but birth is not death, therefore death does not exist.Thus,
what was born would never die but would rise again.
For earthings, death began at the moment when the soul was part of an
unaccessible Universe for the living.,because no one has been totally dead or clinically
dead,to come back to his old life.From the moment you entered the new
Universe,trough death for the old Universe of life, and trough birth for the other, your
spiritual identity would have access to a logic different form the binary logic with
which we were used to on Earth, the logic where next to"to be" or"not to be" exists a

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third, maybe a seventh or a bilionary element, and thus the logic of the new identity can
be trinary,sevenary, multidinary or infinite just like in the World of
Revelations.Usually,a soul which is permitted to leave the universe of the binary logic,
ascend to the revelations world passing trough the inferiour steps of ierarhic logic.Once
you have left the Universe of binary logic, you also abandon space and time, and the
passing trough the Universe that contains other and other elements of logic is done not
in a period of bilions and bilions of years, but in s moment, not in a fraction of time,less
than that,in a time equal to zero. Because time does no longer exist,and space too.The
identity of the spirit doesn't have a life in the Universes with other logical elements,but
it exists.I also passed through these Universes where the existence doesn't have life,but
o logic more and more superiour whichi took you on new heights of
understanding,intuition and love,to be ready for the supreme height-the Revelations'
World.
The first thing I wanted to know once i arrived in the Revelations' world was the
truth regarding the Life on Earth.During my time on Earth I knew that I have lived the
Illusion of Life,of my own life,that,actually,both me and everything that surrounded me,
wasn't even close to what I thought it to be.Beside attributing the dream of the earthly
existence to the so called reality of my own perception,I wasn't doing anything
else.Thus,the illusory dream becam reality.I cannot deny that I had certain moments in
my life on Earth when I thought that actually nothing from what surrounded me was
real,not even myself.Then?Sometimes I got depresed,other times I passed that point
knowing one thing which I repeated to myself:"...If reality is not what i think it is,then
why bother find out the truth?What good does that do?Yes,to go crazy,not to be able to
live the dream that gave my identity in this world,to committ suicide!"Then,don't think
about it,Christine! That was my antidote against depresion and maybe even against
death.Only here,in the Revelations' World I was able to trully find what Earth actually
was,this being my first revelation.
The darkness has an outline because of light, and light because of
darkness.Everything is deaf and mute,but ignorance/blindness gains its realm from a
world which wants to be real in a dream with fairies and magical water springs,but also
with madness, beggary,and lust.A dream decorated by religion,greatness and
power.With free-will,births,and dead,but also pain. A dream!
After each dream fallows one's awakening. Once that it is awaken from the
profound sleep of the so called time and space where I have dreamt the dream of my
own life on Earth, I shuddered!
And it would seem that I come to life in a day,hour,and place blessed by God. The
dream begins with snivels and yells,of both the mother and child.What are those
mother's screms? What is the mother?What about my snivels?Only now I can trully see
who I was and what has surrounded me. The first time when i had this posibility,here in
the Revelations' World,not only I couldn't believe my eyes, but every standard of
amazement would lose its value,compared to what I felt.
Me,who I identified myself by the name of Christine,by a physiognomy, but also
by a counscience,actually,not only that I didn't have nothing in common with all
these,but moreover,everyone was and represented reality, radically changed.My
mother,who I consider to be a person closer to me than others,was neither close, nor
what I felt her like. Only when I found out that the being was me,and all the other
beings were simple objects without soul,identical to plants and animals.Maybe not even
the familiar object was not too objectiv, because aside the form-enunciation
relation,which represented it, there wasn't anything else. hen suddenly, I felt alone,
because my conscience was tributary to a world of diversity, to a society of the
animated and inanimated,starting from the animals and reaching the

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rock,cliffs,rivers,oceans, and many more. How could I imagine a world where I am the
only being, a world in which through my being would live the diversity, not only of the
people, flowers, stories,but also of a vocal diversity, of taste,colour,smell,in a word,a
diversity of all the senses with which I was born.
Then I reflected deeper inside me,the entity which lives in the Revelations' World
more than ever and said to myself:"Where are the other beings?"
The answer came as quickly as I put the question:" For every other being I am
me,and I determin their existence through me!"Odd as it may seem,it is true. The whole
diversity of the human world is nothing else but the diversity of the being which
reached a certain stage in its development.The billions of people,of other beings are
nothing else but billions of beings from your own being.No matter how hard it is to
explain such a reality of the world and infinitely harder to grasp,this is the reality of the
Basic Truth regarding the world of earth. Consequently, the billions of souls are a
being,billions of stars are a being, billions of passions, loves, births and dead, of pains
and uncertanties are a being, my being!
Then, asked myself again if all the other beings were like me,giving birth to other
billions of beings with their own world. I found out that all beings had their
world,society and death or birth,space and time.Everyone, but everyone was inside
me,and I was inside them only because the Illusion of Life which made that Earth, birth
and death, space and time,to be almost identical.But the most odd thing was that
eachone of those beings was me, they existed inside and through me.The same were the
stars or the ancestral woods of the mornings or the waves of the oceans.All these
represented myself and did not represent myself at the same time, and moreover, I
wasn't in the reality,in the ilIlusory dimensions of space and time. Actually, I wasn't me,
and only the geometry of the variables of the Illusion of Life was giving birth to the
irremediable dream of death. And if I wasn't in time and space, where was I? If in the
illusory dream of the life on earth something would have come up to show me the
reality, but I have only my five senses plus the intelligence of a terrestrial being, I
would have surely gone mad or committed suicide, trying to suppress the dream which I
was living fully and considered reality. Why?
Because the depth, length, width of the view in front my eyes were not the truth. If
I had touched my face, eyes, hair, body, everything would have been an illusion. The
time didn't pass and no moment was real. Everything that was real was that I was a
being and I wasn't a being because time is a simple illusion. It was a reality the fact that
my being wasn't moving from one place to another, but neither the image which I
sensed through smell or sight, sound or color wasn't true. Was there an image in its
place?No! Between my being and everything that embraces me was my being and all
the other beings were inside me, like i was in theirs, forming the same and
indestructible being of unicity in diversity, actually of an illusory dream which was my
own life.
Only God, as the creator is exterior to my being, permitting me to have Him as a
guide-line of my own living.
In the Revelations' World there are without any part of existence, two
representations: God and myself. When I reflect I ask God to enlighten my mind in
order to know, why somewhere, sometime, I saw myself human, and saw the clock
striking midnight night after night, when in reality not only it wasn't ticking the time
which wanted to be space, but also in the physiognomy which was getting older and
older?
Why? Because time was a feeling of mine, an element which I carried with me
from another world, through which the dream of my being carried me a whole life,
before I felt the life on earth. In that world there were lover-feelings, lover-words or

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things-husband or wife, or color-nephew, or beautiful-memories, and ugly-opinions.
A world in which the so called men didn't have two hands and two feet. They
didn't have them at all, because they were not humans. They were memory-things,
pawns with geometrics or without, with feelings or without. It was the Illusion of Life,
because the feelings were not enough for the lover-feeling.
Actually, the existence was reflected in the terrestrial society, not in the Illusion of
Life. In that place there were neither states nor continents, because space was a sort of
hybrid between sense, thought, and lust, and time a simple state of mind.
That is why the two dimensions were reduced to a pleasure in time that was
thinking, reported to something exterior to a society of the values feeling-thinking. And
in that world, there is an axiology of consciences, of determination and their knowledge
which defined the social system, different from what we call Earth society. Everything
that I taught it was time or space, it was just an illusion. When the illusion of Life
embraced me, I had an ideal or I wanted a certain thing, without realizing that that ideal
was nothing but a lie, and the thing I desired had caused different wastage and
drawbacks, and the life of that beings was not how it seemed.
Thus, I have lived my life as many others did, making for death because I was born
to die, and I died to rise again from the essence of my astral dreams, just as the stars'
birth and extinction were marked in the book of the worlds called Destiny.".
At the coming back it was signed
C Christine Lama
Nothing down ChristineNothing down Lama
Thus, nobody came back.

Chapter 8
I am flying over the trees from the glade. This landscape is more and more familiar
without knowing where I should begin from. My body is heavier and heavier, and I feel
obliged to sit on the green grass from the feet of a great granite statue from the glade. I
am watching the star lighted sky, hearing the chinks of the crickets that seem to
accompany the inner bustle sent by the Universe vibration. A ray of light white as snow
came off a star lost within millions of stars and it went right towards my heart
daggering it. I remember this place. I am in the glade where I met myself for so many
times in my ancestral"past", in the world where there is no time. I feel that feeling of
tranquility and fullness that the blessed ray of the Godlike Light sent. I am Sorin,
Godlike Light!, I shout deep down my thoughts.
"Welcome, my dear, answered the Godlike Light. You have understood now what
the Destiny of a soul is, a soul that wanders looking for its tranquility in my Universes.
I gave you the chance to contemplate your own life from this world, but also after you
left it, but there only as audience. That Sorin that was in hell was an identity of your
being, an identity where you soul could stay, or even became itself such an identity
forever. This would have been terrible. Have you understood what needed Christine in
order to find herself and more than that, in order to compete herself? Christine is your

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soul mate or your half, Sorin. She was Rashmi in a previous existence as she herself had
discovered into the Universe of Parallel Mirrors. Her soul is that soul that passed
through the identities of your Being as you did through the identities of her being, and
thus, both beings become a whole that struggles with itself in order to find itself. All the
soul of Christine is Maya, as you passed in your existences together with Maya and the
Stranger that had talked to you once in the dreams you had had in the terrestrial life.
You didn’t give the right importance to those dreams, considering them as unimportant
dreams. That Stranger was nobody else, but the Stranger in you struggling with you to
excel you on the way of perfection. Maya is one of the existence of your soul mate that
was once Christine or Rashmi.
"I’d really like, Godlike Light, to see just once, but not as a ray of light that streaks
my heart and speaks inside me, but with Your true face!"
"Each being can survey me only through his own True Face, Sorin, that is the
infinite inside you, from your infinite being, that is in front on the infinite face of
your being.
The infinite dimension of your infinite face, identifies in Me heart.
This is why the infinite face of a being is the infinite face of billions and
billions of beings because all identify within Me infinite creating a single being,
Myself.
Thus, I want to say, that all the beings from all the Universes are bothers
within Me Infinite and more than that, are one and the same being in Me!
But if you want to see me outside you, then you cannot do this but on the top
of the Illusion Mountain!"
"How could I see the infinite face of my being, dear Godlike Light?"
"On the top of the Illusion Mountain, Sorin."
"What do I have to do first to try at least, to climb it?"
"We’ll go again to the feet of the granite statue that is located in the glade."
"Why, Godlike Light?"
"Only when you really believe in something, you exist!"
"I don’t understand what you mean, Godlike Light?"
"You will understand once, but each at its turn in your Life Illusion."
Come, Sorin.
I rise to the sky again and gather way.
The same tunnel made up of the brightness of the stars opens before me and I find
myself within the starlight Universe.
I stopped without understanding why I did this, and suddenly I get closer and
closer to a star and finally in front of me I see a triangular planet.
I knew it was a planet where the street towards the glade was, but not the glade.
Suddenly I saw myself above the glade.
I stand near the granite statue.
I hardly realize that it is as high as a poplar.
Laid on the grass, I watch the stellar sky waiting for the Godlike Light.
She sends to me her ray white as the snow.
When it daggers my heart, I have again that sensation of total beatitude very
familiar to me.
"Look at the colossus, Sorin, and read what is written at its feet."
In this moment I tried to lift my back from the grass and I turn into a position from
which I can read the writing from the feet of the granite statue.
I lift very hard because I feel my body heavier than ever.
I feel like my all members are made of lead.
"I don’t think I can lift, Godlike Light."

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"Try, Sorin, try to stay on your knees."
"But my body becomes heavier and heavier with every move, Godlike Light."
"Don’t give up, Sorin."
You are a fighter that will defeat eventually if you have enough will."
"My whole body is stiffened, Godlike Light.
I have terrible pains, as if I am burnt, oh God, don’t leave me.
Molten lead flows through my veins!"
"Fight, Sorin, fight, think with faith at Me, believe in Me, Sorin, believe in My
words that are much stronger than all the molten lead from your pained and stiffened
members."
"I feel lonely and helpless, Godlike Light!"
"You are never lonely, just because you are not! You are an illusion and
nothing else."
"I try to believe, Godlike Light, but it is very hard for me to think of You."
"Believe in Me, Sorin, otherwise you will never see me."
"How should I believe if my thought brings me to the terrible pain I feel in my
body?"
"There is no greater pain than that of not seeing Me, Sorin."
"I don’t think so, Godlike Light!"
I can’t stand anymore; I’d rather not see you!
This is nothing else but a dream, a phantasm and nothing more!"
"It is the reality, Sorin."
"How should I know that I am not dreaming and I will get up in my bed
completely sweated? Once, in the life you are going back to, a medium called Jane
Katra will write to you. The medium in itself doesn’t have anything in common with
Rashmi’s soul as it is nothing else but an intermediary through which a greet older than
the time will pass. The name of the medium is exactly what Rashmi told you once.
Look for Jane, Jane Katra. This medium will finish her letter by Light Jane. This will be
in fact the message that crosses the border of the worlds and Universes that Rashmi
send you. Light be with you! Don’t forget that greet, Light Jane will bring on its wing
the great love that Rashmi carries for you and the Universes.
"Who is this Jane Katra, and where I can find her?"
"You are predestinate to meet Jane Katra.
You will find her only when you don’t look for her.
Suddenly the pain disappears, as well as the Godlike Light that penetrates my
heart.
I remained only me and the granite statue, cold and impersonal in front of me.
The deep silence is broken by a chink.
I raise my face to the starlight sky where the Godlike Light had come from.
I feel fear, but also release in this moment.
I am afraid of a new pain. I am happy I got rid of the pains.
I want to go back into my world, I want home.
I open my eyes.
I am on my bed from Terra.
It gets light.
I see my wife next to me sleeping deeply.
I think is six o’clock.
A sparrow tweet breaks the silence of the spring.
Was it a dream all that happened?
A great dream with the Godlike Light?
I get up and go to the bathroom.

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I look in the mirror.
It’s me in flesh and blood.
Nothing changed.
I don’t even know if I am looking or not for a change in myself and why.
"Where are you?", I heard the voice of my wife from the room.
"In the bathroom", I answered while thinking to the dream I had.
I don’t even know how much it lasted
It could have been minutes or seconds, nobody can tell for sure how long he
dreamt.
From that day on, my life changed.
I was not anymore the person the thought nothing of the dreams.
I was trying to study this phenomenon from all the possible points of view.
I learnt that man dreams a few seconds, although he has the impression he had
lived an hour or much more in the respective dream.
What strokes me was the literature so poor on this subject that should have had
priority in the studying annals of the specialists.
With every day that passed, I was more and more depressed regretting the
disappearance of the Godlike Light.
I was waiting for Jane Katra, to appear from somewhere, and her apparition should
have told me that Godlike Light was not a dream, but the reality, when J. signed LIGHT
JANE!
Although the Godlike Light told me NOT TO LOOK FOR Jane Katra, I couldn’t
help myself and I made all the possible efforts to find her. I think I had tried to find her
on the internet ten times, but my trials were ineffective. I looked for her everywhere,
but off this name appeared another person that I felt was not Jane. I don’t know why I
couldn’t write to that person ever. Maybe if I had told him/her what had happened to
me, he/she would have thought I was crazy.
I asked a lot of priests on this subject, but no one could tell me more.
Most of them told me that, in faith, you don’t have to question anything, a kind
of"believe and don’t look for".
All the same I didn’t agree, because I knew how the Godlike Light explained to me
as serious as possible certain phenomena.
I knew how much the Godlike Light wanted the Man to know, because only in this
way the man could get close to Her with his own identity.
I hardly realize how far are we, people, these identities loaded with spiritual
energy, of the Godlike Light and how much we transfigured the reality by all kind of
obsessions that brought to a variety of religious practice that don’t always hit their
point.
It wasn’t night not to which to see the Godlike Light again.
All the same it put off its appearance.
I‘ve become a much religious person from that dream on.
I said"Paternoster" in the morning and in the evening, a prayer for the forgiveness
of the sins, trying to be closer to the Godlike Light.
This prayer seemed to be the most adequate prayer in my religion, able to fill me
with the glory I was looking for, although I knew the true happiness is in the Godlike
Light.
It was summer with thunder and lightning and ferocious heat.
I was waiting impatiently each night, maybe the Godlike Light would come with
the next sleep.
It haven’t so far.
I said this every night before going to sleep" Dear, Godlike Light, who art in

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heaven; hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is
in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we
forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation; but deliver us
from evil. Amen.", I implored many times the Godlike Light to come back again in the
dreams become reality, but for nothing.
Eventually, I got used to the having lost the greatest chance of my existence to see
the Infinite.
I’d give anything to learn why the Godlike Light chose me for such an experience
and not important personalities in this moment on the planet that through their position
could much easier forward this way of thinking and philosophy regarding the Universe.
Is Sorin the only connection between me and the Godlike Light through the
unconventional vision of my philosophy?
Oh, God and I would have had so many questions for the Godlike Light.
I would be curious to see my own infinite identity or the infinite face of my person,
to feel more than the coldness of the granite that separates me from the truth.
These kind of"dreams" mark you for the rest of your life that changes in a way or
another.
With every day passing by, i feel that if the Godlike Light appeared, this time, I
would bear with stoicism and hope every pain, no matter how terrible it would be.
I’m begging you, Godlike Light, come back into my life!
I travel by train in a foreign country that I’ve never seen so far.
I hear a crunch of axis and I feel I am thrown forward due to the impulse created
by the brakes.
I go to the window.
We are in an ordinary railway station with no importance.
What railway station are we in?
I am not in a certain railway station, I am dreaming.
I am sleeping right now!
I am dreaming!
It is so good I am aware of that.
It must be past the middle of the night.
I went to sleep around ten o’clock.
I think I’ve been sleeping for hours.
It is great because I am aware that I am dreaming for the first time, after all these
months when dreams were taken as such without reasoning what names are in the
moment of development.
This reasoning gives me the possibility to choose what i want and not to become a
sort of performer of the that dream’s destiny.
What I really want is to meet again the Godlike Light at the feet of the granite
colossus.
I finally decide to get down in this railway station.
I look towards the area for luggage.
I don’t have any item of luggage with me.
This is strange, because I always have a piece of luggage when i go from one town
to another.
This first hint reveals me that I am in a more special trip.
I get down of the train.
The few travelers cross the few railway lines together with me.
I reach the inner side of the railway station and enter into a waiting room. On its
walls there was a railway guide that was written in the language with south-American
inflexions that I had heard so many times in the town where I had died a week ago.

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An endless happiness covers my being.
I know I am in the existential plan where I saw the street leading towards the
glade, where I met the Godlike Light.
Another question took the place of the happiness of my discovery, what if I am not
in the same town?
How do I get into the right town since I don’t speak that language and more than
that, I don’t know the name of the town?
I sat on the chair trying to make a plan, but any mental construction fell as quickly
as it began.
I finally decided to leave the railway station convinced that the Godlike Light
would help me find it again.
It is getting dark.
I walk on a street where I’ve never been.
It is cloudy and it has started to rain.
I feel the big, cold drops trickling along my face.
A dull thunder followed by the wink of a lightning determines me to shelter under
a roof.
I finally find a bus station.
It falls in showers now.
I congratulate myself for finding this place.
I am alone.
Not a living creature.
I don't know what the time is.
I think I stay more than three quarters of earthy hours.
It’s so strange, I keep from getting wet here and at home I am sleeping.
The rain begins to stop, leaving a crystalline sky, full of the most beautiful
constellations that I’ve ever seen before.
Please, Godlike Light, come back to me from a star.
I am waiting fro you full of hope that it was not for the last time than.
Please, give me another chance.
Suddenly, I feel my body lighter and lighter.
I am levitating.
The bus station becomes smaller and smaller under my feet.
I reach a considerable heights watching the town as if I was on the top of a
mountain and it was in the valley or as if I was in an air plane.
I hardly find that I was not in that big city, but in a small town, a sort of village
that loses itself through the hills at a distance.
The towns float one by one under me.
Maybe my rate of travel is bigger than that of an air plane and yet I don’t feel one
blast.
I feel protected by a glass bell.
Suddenly, a great light floats before my eyes.
I figure out the frame of the locality I was looking for and where I previously was.
I lose my height.
I look down and observe how the glade appears with the granite statue.
I lay at the feet of the statue looking at the stellar sky from where the star that
brings the ray of the Godlike Light will come.
I feel my heart beating with emotion that I hardly can control.
How much I wanted these moments to come.
A star takes shape more and more profound, and a ray goes straight to my heart.
Suddenly I feel that happiness and state of beatitude that I can hardly describe.

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"Thank you for coming back into my life, dear Godlike Light.
You don’t know how much I wanted you to come back."
It’s good you found me, Sorin, do you still want to know the truth?"
"Of course, Godlike Light, I think this time I am more prepared than I was last
time.
I have regretted for months the moment when I didn’t succeed in passing that
border made of pains that I considered superhuman."
"If you want a certain thing in life, you have to sacrifice to obtain it, Sorin.
Nothing can be achieved without a certain effort because if this scale of values
didn't exist, there wouldn't be the beauty of the infinite."
"What do you mean by this beauty, Godlike Light?"
"Why do you want to learn it from me, Sorin, and not with your own feelings?"
"What if it is so great that I cannot accept it?
If the sufferance is more atrocious than the pains suffered to reach the infinite?"
It depends on you and only on you, Sorin, on the values you have because each sin
made with or without your will causes you pain, but not always.
If you manage to pass that step, you will always remain on the heart of the
infinite."
"If it is a beauty of the image, Godlike Light, then I will close my eyes and I will
get back."
"No, Sorin, the Infinite always forms its imagine through Harmony that
characterizes it.
You will feel there the Harmony through your disharmonic being and identity.
This can cause you pain, because you will be an unbalance in an ocean of the
balance, because the Harmony doesn’t mean Balance.
This happens to the level of one person’s identity, because the identity of a person
embodies a energetic-spiritual balance of the person.
Thus, each being is a balance that subsists in an ocean of unbalances due to My
Disharmonic Conditions.
The beings’ balances become unbalances towards the Harmonic Conditions, where
the infinite is Harmony, but not in the Balance.
The Harmony doesn’t mean Balance because it id definite through Infinite, and the
Balance embodies the Finite because there will be always one or more comparison
terms for the Balance, comparative terms that cannot find each other in the Infinite
because the Infinite doesn’t have Comparative Terms but with itself.
This is why there is a difference between the Harmony and Balance, thus, the
Balance of the Harmonic Condition is nothing else but the Infinite seen through a
Disharmonic Condition, through an identity of a being that belongs to the Disharmonic
Condition respectively.
The balance id a mobile through which the Disharmonic Condition follows the
Way to become Harmonic.
Without Balance, it would never manage.
"What if I couldn't stand the infinite?
I am afraid; I don’t know why, Godlike Light!"
"Don’t be afraid.
We will meet there the infinite dimension of your being.
It will help you fight to integrate in infinite, showing your steps that you have to
follow, Sorin."
"I believe in you, Godlike Light, and this is why I am determined to bear the pains
I will suffer at the crossing of the border between the two worlds, finite and infinite."
"Are you ready, Sorin?"

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"I am ready to go, Godlike Light."
"Don’t forget, Sorin, I will be by your side in all this time, even if during the
crossing of the boarder, you couldn’t feel me in a way or another.
Believe in Me and it will be infinitely because deep down your being, there is not
only its infinite part, but near it I am!
Find Me in you, discover Me!
I am and will be in you, because I am the one that gave you the eternity in you, to
step in death as you'd cross a river, to embrace eternal life until doomsday, Amen!:
For this moment, the rays of the Godlike Light dropped back from my heart.
The total silence is broken by the blast of the wind, accompanied by the chink of a
cricket.
I look at the feet of the granite colossus.
I can see some inlays similar to the Assyrian cuneiform writing.
The signs spread on all the length of the feet.
I want to distinguish the writing, but it is impossible.
I’d like to ask the Godlike Light, but it disappeared.
It is too late.
It is so strange. I’ve never been able to ask her about this writing although I would
have liked it from all my heart.
I stand and touch the colossus with my hand.
I suddenly feel a strong current that paralyses me and burns me.
A very powerful force grabs me from the glade sending me with a very high seed
to the stars that flickered in the Universe where I was, but of which I didn’t know much
except the glade, as the town and the path towards the glade and also the surroundings
belonged to another Universe for which the glade and the colossus didn’t exist.
I have again that impression that I felt when traveling in such a great speed, that
the light of the stars extends in purl longer and longer joining in a tunnel.
"God, help me, I said to myself in my mind."
That moment of pain began again, when everything becomes heavy and hotter.
I feel like being on a hot stove.
I scream!
"I believe in You, Godlike Light, and in Your power, Amen"
I feel I burn!
"I mustn’t think to the pain.
These pains don’t exist, they are just a simple illusion.
Me, as finite being I am nothing else but the result of an illusion because I’ve lived
enough so far the Life Illusion!
Enough with the lie.
The sole truth is the infinite and the Godlike Light I believe in!"
Suddenly the terrible heat fades away.
The tunnel I am in changed its color from a neon light to the yellow of the ears that
grow in the rays of a July sun.
The tunnel in itself changes even the cylindrical aspect becoming an enormous
spiral that spins slowly in font of me.
A voice that I have never heard but in myself, comes now from my exterior,
"Believe in me, Sorin and you’ll be next to Me."
"I believe, Godlike Light!"
The spiral image disappears slowly, and the great image of a mountain appears
instead in a pyramidal shape like Anapurna Mountain, which was considered to be saint
by the local people.
I am amazed at the similarity of the two mountains, Anapurna Mountain and this

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mountain of another world, respectively, with their peaks lost within the white and pure
snow as the Infinite.
The single difference between these mountains is that here on the top of the
mountain there is a sun that shines very intense, but I don't feel the intensity of the rays,
but warmth closer to love.
The sky is so clear, lined by colorful birds, whose song overlaps the silence.
I don’t know the hour, if it’s noon, morning or evening.
I go towards a lake with crystalline water from the feet of the mountain.
Once on the bank of the river, I look at the water crystal that reflects my face in its
bluish waves.
What lake is it, I asked myself?
In that moment my face begins to separate from myself. It backs away a distance
of some feet to my right without me making any movement.
I recognized that for a moment I was totally desperate.
Suddenly, my face from the lake took body or physical shape, and lifts from the
lake coming near me.
I went cold all over.
I was next to my reflection that takes physical shape!
It smiles, saying:
"This lake is the Life Water, it is the sole dimension that is in the middle of the
Infinite although it is finite.
Through the Life Water, the Infinite has Harmonic State and the Finite has
Disharmonic State.
If the lake didn’t exist, the Sun would have nobody to shine for, from the to of the
mountain that is nobody else but the Godlike Light!
I don’t know who you are?"
"I am You, more precisely I am the face or the infinite identity of your person,
Sorin!"
"Are you the infinite Sorin and I am the finite one from another infinity minus one
of faces the one being in front of you?"
"Yes, Sorin, you gave the correct answer."
"What kind of water is the Life Water, Sorin Infinite?"
"It is a water made of all the faces of the beings existent in all worlds that are an
infinite minus their infinite face multiplied by the number of beings that is an infinite."
"Can I drink from this water, Sorin Infinite?"
"No, Sorin, because if you did, all the faces of your being including me, we would
be destroyed forever."
"Why, Sorin Infinite?"
"You are nor ready to ingest this water because there is no equilibrium stable
enough between my infinite being and you, the finite being."
"What can I do for this equilibrium to become a reality?"
"A reality, Sorin Finite?"
"Oh, no dear, the reality doesn’t exist and it will never exist.
All that I am looking for is equilibrium and nothing more.
You know well that the equilibrium is connected to the Finite, and I am infinite
and still, in order to exist a common correlation between me and all the other faces or
infinite identities as number minus one that is me, you have to follow more steps in
order to create the equilibrium of our beings in the finite worlds.
I know it wouldn’t be easy, Sorin Finite, but nothing is done without sacrifice!
Helping you, I help myself that I am one and the only person seen through
different dimensions.

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If it takes sacrifice, Sorin Infinite, this means that the Life Water is in fact the Selfconsciousness
Water, and the Sacrifice Water, for this loving Sun to shine!"
"You are right, Sorin Finite, by half because the sacrifice in not only on the Life’s
side whose Water keeps watch over the feet of the Infinite, but equally, the same is
requested always and eternally to the Infinite!"
Because everything, but everything must have a sense in this world in order to
exist!"
"More concrete, Sorin Infinite, what should I do?"
"Look towards the peaks of this Mountain of the Infinite, what does it suggest,
Sorin Finite?"
"Greatness, beauty, power, love, wisdom, kindness, but I don’t understand what
gives me a feeling of abstinence, tranquility, but also a sweat bitter wish to infinitely
perpetuate, Sorin Infinite."
"All these are part of the existence sense.
What do you think it is necessary to obtain all these and always perpetuate them?"
"Sacrifice!, this is necessary, Sorin Infinite.
"The Sacrifice is the Path, and the Faith is the soul that follows it, Sorin Finite!
Don’t ever forget that!"
"I want to climb this mountain, to touch its powdered peak with the snow of the
Infinite.
To touch with the heart of my soul, the love and wisdom of the peak, dear Sorin
Infinite."
"To do this, it will be the hardest trial of the faces of our being, of all the other
identities.
Because it won’t be only you bearing the evil, Sorin Finite, but I must be with you
with every step you’ll climb.
We must have the courage of the self sacrifice."
"What do we have to do, Sorin Infinite?"
"First of all, we should find the equilibrium of other and other identities of our own
being, identities that are decadent in their worlds that fill the other identities with
negative energy unsettling them from their Path to light tricking them into the deepest
dark of the Disharmonic State."
"If we climb this Mountain, Sorin Infinite, can we find on the other side the Path
turned from the Harmonic State to the Disharmonic State?"
This is something I want to learn from the Infinite from which I know to learn it,
Sorin Finite.
This incites me to the sacrifice of climbing the mountain.
I want to find out the Basic Truth that can be seen only from that peak, somewhere
to a horizon of the acknowledgement."
"Why did you come from the Life Water, Sorin Infinite?"
"because you are the only one that lives, Sorin Finite and this is why I had to give
birth to the Infinite from me in the Finite from you.
This was the only possibility to see me and to talk to each other."
"How can an Infinite can be born from a Finite, Sorin Infinite?"
"When I said I gave birth to the Infinite from me in you Finite it was more
symbolically, because I am not subject to a temporal dimension and all the same I
belong to you and I am talking to you to the present, future or past.
The Life Water was, is and will be a connection to ease my communication with
you, because the Life Water represents the Finite that is located at the feet of the
Infinite."
"Me, Sorin Infinite, I am in the Life Water, and you come from outside It?"

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"You have understood, Sorin Finite!"
"All the same, was I the one that perceived you coming from the Life Water?"
"This is true.
"Why, Sorin Infinite?"
"because you mental plan superposed my plan, in a word, the Finite mental
superposed the Infinite mental leading to the reversing of the those feeling plans.
Thus, Sorin Infinite, I appeared to you as being"in the beginning, you reflection in
the Life Water in Finite, and you appeared to me as a reflection in the rays of the
Godlike Light, within the Infinite!"
"Which is the reality, Sorin Infinite?"
"I’ve told you there is no reality, but a relative truth.
The reality can be detached from the Basic Truth that can be seen from the top of
the mountain, to the horizon of the Absolute Knowledge."
"How did I appear, Sorin Infinite?"
"I didn’t appear from the Life Water as you didn’t appear from the rays of the
Godlike Light.
We appeared from the Infinite or Finite.
I, s an Infinite, appeared for you from the rays of the Godlike Light that is Infinite,
and you appeared from the Life Water because you are Finite!"
"What is this reversing of plans, Sorin Infinite?"
"I think it is what we want to hear and cannot be known but through the Absolute
Knowledge."
"Let’s climb the top of the mountain, Sorin Infinite."
"Let’s go, Sorin Finite, but don’t get too close of the Life Water, because if only
one drop touches you, you will come back from where you were from.
Hearing these, I retreated far away from the edge of the water.
I hardly notice that the soil was not made of the earth I was used tot, but rather a
reference term to which should spatially retrospect to in each moment.
The same with the planets, fir-trees through the highest I have ever seen
All the same a fresh wood pitch fragrance was brought by the wings of a smooth
but cold blast of wind.
Another strange factor is that no matter how hard I try to find out from the
temporal point of view how much time passes I can't find out.
If on the Terra I had a certain measure of the temporality even if I didn’t have a
watch, I knew how many hours had passed, but here it is impossible.
Finally, I reached the feet of the mountain after surrounding the lake with Life
Water.
I was glad that I was not alone being accompanied by another climbing
companion, even if my companion was myself!
I didn’t climb a few steps, and a tall man appeared in front of us, dressed in a tilecolored
cape crossing our path.
"Who are you?", asked him Sorin Infinite.
"Who am I?" answered the man.
I can hardly see its sharp and tough lineaments, without a certain age, as if it was
sculptured by all the sharp winds of the mountains.
His white and long hair hung onto its shoulders, giving him a trace of irritability.
"Sorin Finite is the one that should know me."
No, Sir, I don’t remember you."
I don't know how you are."
"If you don’t remember me, you cannot go on climbing this mountain."
"I understand now, Sorin Finite, Sorin Infinite told me.

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You must remember who he is, if not everything is useless.
This man in front of us is a step of the sacrifice that we have to bear in order to
reach the peak of the mountain."
"As far as I can see, Sorin Infinite, I am the only one conformed to the sacrifice."
"No, Sorin Finite, it will be my turn, too, when it is, it is.
I told you that watch of us would have to pass a hard test, but what I really want
you to know is that, eventually, none of us can mange without the other one, thus, we
will have to help each other, first.
Please, remember now, Sorin Finite."
"Can you give me another hint, you unknown, I told to this mysterious man.
"Hints?, repeated him with soft irony in his voice.
No! said finally.
"Remember this personage, Sorin Finite!", said Sorin Infinite.
Who can he be?
Where have I ever seen somebody similar?
I think I know who this man is.
"I know who you are, mysterious man!"
"Who am I?"
"You are the unknown from a dream that I had a few terrestrial years."
"Do you know what dream is about?, asked me the stranger.
I don't want to repeat it within the pages of this book, but I will try to block in a
few aspects that I consider to be essential.
"I found myself in a steamy place, but the steam didn’t lift more than one or two
hands breadth from the soil level.
I was in a narrow valley, surrounded by tropical plants, that king with the rots
always outside the soil.
In front of me, there was the entrance of a cave or something like that. Behind this,
there was another entrance of a naturist house, those considered by the futurist ecologist
landscapers as some thing great in a future more and mo re polluted of humankind.
On both sides of that entrance, there were steps leading outside the narrow valley.
This personage was on one of this steps telling me that I didn’t complete my
vocation for which I was on Terra and, thus, I would have to go back.
I asked him to let me there, but he said I should first serve my sentence on Terra.
All the same I went towards the door of the cave; a lovely woman appeared behind
it, with black, long hair fell on her shoulders as the Infinite Universe on the stars.
I know who you are, I told to that woman.
I knew she was my wife.
"I will be waiting for you here, honey."
"For how long I’ve been gone?"
"For a few weeks."
"How long do I have to expiate on the Terra the days in here?"
"Two more weeks."
"You will have to leave now."
I got into a flying ship that detached slowly from the planet, like a spatial taxi
where I was only her and me, she promised me she would be waiting for me always,
without being able to tell me what crime did I make on that planet, and then I woke up
in my bed on Terra.
"This is the dream, said the stranger in a sharp voice.
"What do you want from me, stranger?", I asked him in a childish way.
"I am not the one to want something from you, but you from me, if you want to
make a single step on this mountain."

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"Why was I sent to Terra from this planet as to save certain actions that I didn’t
know?"
"This is exactly the punishment.
Not to know for what you agonize, but to have a destiny on a plant of pain in a
three-dimensional Universe, where you live a life."
"A strange life, although in the times of your world, it is only a few weeks?"
"Exactly!"
"What do you want me to do to climb this mountain together with Sorin Infinite."
The stranger laughed sarcastically and then he said:
"You should find out for what you were punished and to correct your mistake with
the time it was intended, otherwise you won’t pass this step!
The stranger disappeared with a sarcastic laugher.
It is only Sorin Infinite and I.
I asked him what we should do in such a moment.
Sorin Infinite observes me and then he turns his back on me looking towards the
top.
In this full silence, only the wind remember us that there are sounds on this world.
"As it is you, Sorin Finite, this means it is only you that should find out why you
were punished and how you can repair your mistake."
"This means you will leave me?"
I don’t know how I can fulfill the requirements on the stranger?", I asked Sorin
Infinite in a desperate way.
"I cannot leave you, Sorin Finite, because you can’t fulfill the wish of the stranger
by yourself."
I will be by your side, but in that dream you will be alone, but I will be in
yourself."
"How will you be in me, Sorin Infinite?"
"My spirit will enter yours by the superposition of the mental plans."
"Will we be the same being, Sorin Infinite?"
"We are the same being, Sorin Finite, but this time the identity of our being will be
both finite and infinite!"
"What should we do in order to become the same identity?"
"Nothing more, Sorin Finite, but to go back on the bank of the river."
We finally went back on the bank of the river.
"Now, Sorin Finite, I will enter the Life Water, and you will have to look straight
into my eyes, and nothing more.
Sorin Infinite entered into the Life Water immersing in It, becoming a reflection of
myself as previously.
I looked straight into his eyes although I had the impression I looked myself and
hypnotized myself.
Before my eyes appeared the granite colossus from the glade.
It is lonely, floating into an infinite nothingness.
Suddenly the cuneiform letters written on it, began to burn.
The fire letters, I said to myself.
Although I couldn’t find their significance so far, I understand now.
They mean,
"WHO’S THE BEING OF THE FINITE?
SOMEONE THAT KNOWS AND EVEN BELIEVES THAT, BUT WITHOUT
KNOWING NOTHING!
WHO'S THE BEING OF THE INFINITE?
SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T KNOW THAT KNOWS, DOESN’T BELIEVE,

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BUT KNOWS EVERYTHING!"
Them I said to myself,
NOTHING BEGINS AS IT DOESN'T END EXCEPT FOR THE ILLUSION!
EVERYTHING BEGINS AS EVERYTHING ENDS EXCEPT FOR THE
INFINITE!
GET RID OF THE ILLUSION AND BE INFINITE!
I don’t know how much it lasted, but what I can say is that, suddenly, the reflection
of my face into the Life Water disappeared, and the mountain disappeared, its place
being taken by colorful images that played one with each other.
Where am I, I suddenly asked myself, where did the mountain with the Life Water
disappear?
The playful lights transformed into the image of the mountain with the Life Water.
Where is my town, I finally said, and in front of me appeared that town.
Where is the glade, with the granite colossus?
Before me, appeared the glade, but without the granite colossus.
Who am I?
An interior voice, came from deep down my being tells me that I am Sorin Finite
and Sorin Infinite!
I said to myself that I am a finite, but also an infinite being.
I wonder why the mountain disappeared, what about the Life Water or the
colossus?
I hear the voice in me, that didn’t come from me this time, but it was the voice of
my consciousness.
"How cannot they disappear if I see the world with respect to the infinite, and not
to the finite?
The Mountain with the Life Water doesn’t exist and it never existed, these are only
representations of the finite being, as it had never existed a glade or the colossus
Everything was an illusion that belonged to the Life Illusion and that gave to the
existence a certain image once it was riddled with respect to a finite identity.
What about the Godlike Light?
This is the only reality, Sorin!
But a reality that stand behind this circle called life.
Why?
Because the Life Water is a great image, because we need them and still I can
understand why?
I hardly realize that it doesn’t let me understand the finite side of my dual
identity both finite and infinite, and if we cannot climb that mountain of Illusion
both me as finite being and me as infinite being we will destroy each other forever
because as infinite being I lost my possibility to see the infinite in its splendor both
imagistic and cognoscible, and as finite being I lost my possibility to see the beauty
of the finite, but also the greatness of the infinite.
This is the destiny of each being, of climbing the Illusion Mountain at the feet
of which there is the Life Water, where each being will meet the infinite dimension
and they both will fight to conquer the mountain!
I remember my dream that the stranger told me.
I am again in that little and narrow valley where I was in a dream a few terrestrial
years ago.
I wanted to walk down a few steps, fearing not to stumble, because of the steam
above the soil.
I feel the warm air, but very wet that covers over my breath.
I look more attentively the plants whose roots are outside the soil by half.

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I don’t think I have ever seen such plants before similar in a certain way with the
tropical plants from the Earth.
A long sound breaks the silence.
I notice a bird flying, resembling a toucan, a colorful terrestrial flyer.
I look towards the place where, terrestrial years ago, the rewash the sarcastic
stranger that I met on the Illusion Mountain.
No, he is not here now.
Thinking that he can appear again gives me a state of irritation, but the fact that
behind that door I could find the beautiful woman I love so much in the terrestrial
dream, gave me that state of anxiety that we all feel before a surprise that is going to
develop before our eyes.
I walk down the steps until I reach the lowest level of the little valley.
I turn right and I see the entrance into the cave.
The door is situated at ten, twelve feet than the entrance in the little cave.
I go beyond the cave entrance and a discreet sound of a bell begins to sound as a
terrestrial fan.
I hardly make a few steps and the door opens and the beautiful woman from my
terrestrial dream appears.
She comes slowly to me and hugs and kisses me.
"I am so happy we see each other again, Sorin."
"Sorin? Do you know my name is Sorin?"
"Of course I know.
I will tell you everything soon.
I am sure you don’t even know what my name is, Sorin! Said the woman, and then,
she tales my hand and pulls me inside.
The door shuts automatically behind me.
I enter in a kind of room that looks like a cave and not a terrestrial house, the walls
were natural, built in the stone, and that rooms had three silver doors.
Inside, there was a small table, framed by two shell armchairs, all silver similar to
the doors.
On the table, there was a transparent piece of plastic, that, I admit I don’t know
what cane they be used to.
"Welcome home, Sorin!, said the woman taking in her arm the piece of plastic.
I hardly notice that, held in the hand, all kind of strange drawings appear.
She passes her finger on that transparent device, and from behind a stone, as I
cannot say it is a wall, appears a table full of meals and a bottle a Champaign in the
middle.
"How can I read?"
Two chairs get out of the table.
I didn’t notice how, because the entire operation developed very quickly.
I asked her again,
"How do I know this language, and more, I can read this signs that doesn’t look
familiar to me, Maya?"
"Maya?, I see you remembered my name", said the beautiful woman.
"You know this language since you were a child and began to speak, and this
writing, you learnt it in school since elementary school, Sorin.
"What happened to me, Maya?"
"You were…..
All conversation stopped in this moment.
I wasn’t together with beautiful Maya anymore, but somewhere in a great
emptiness, where I went round in a very high speed.

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What happen to me?!
Where am I?
I can see a point taking shape somewhere deep down the nothingness.
It is the stranger that tells me not to ask Maya again about my punishment and not
even how I can save from my sins.
The stranger disappears as he came.
I woke up in that room, but somewhere behind the time because the image
developing in front of me was static, transfixed.
Maya had her hand in the air and all the objects stayed exactly as in the moment I
disappeared.
"Maya, I am here, next to you.
"She doesn’t answer me, but she stays in the transfixed position.
I don’t know what to do, which of my identities should I decide with?
I feel that one opposes to the other one.
Try with the your infinite side, Sorin, I told myself finally."
"Why am I behind the present?
Am I in another Universe?
I don’t think so, because if I were in another Universe, I would be in the same
Universe, because they all belong to the Infinite, so my own Universe!"
"Maya stays still."
"As I can see, my infinite part is useless here.
Let’s try with my finite identity.
Am I in a Universe where the image is and in another one where my time flows,
and the difference between time and space regarding the two Universes should be the
period when my time tries to catch the space of this Universe or is my time before this
space and, thus, it wants to be caught up?
Such a regulation would last an infinite of years.
What should be done?
None of my identities of my being helps me!
Could I climb the Illusion Mountain ever?
Something tells me I should think with my both identities simultaneously!
I hope I can concentrate because I’ve never tried this before.
What can be behind the time?
Is it the space?
And behind the space?
It is the time!
Said my finite identity.
What is behind the time?
The Infinite.
And behind the space?
It is the time!
Said my infinite identity.
What is behind the space, time and infinite?
TRANSFORMATION!
Both identities say to me.
Unique, the transformation is embraced by time, space and infinite!
Thus, I should move an object from this still image.
I touch one of the cutlery on the table.
Suddenly, everything seems normal.
I wake up saying,

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"You can call me Sorin."
"Ok, answered the woman.
I hardly now realize that"You can call me, Sorin", would have been followed
by:"What happened to me, Maya?", part of the phrase that didn’t show up.
Days had passed one by one from that event without asking Maya again about the
cause and possibility of saving from my punishment.
We often used that spatial taxi, looking as a terrestrial car that levitates around the
big planet like the Sun that rises on the Earth.
I admit that for me it was a strange world that captivated from the beginning.
There are no high buildings or streets on this planet.
Everything tried to be as natural as possible.
The only buildings were the headquarters of some governmental institutions and
that was all.
All the same, the thought brought me to the mystery I had to understand.
I tried to make different scenarios, but neither of them was too decisive.
Finally, I said to myself that only the chance would be my saving angel.

Chapter 9
It is getting light and the shadows of the roots and plants seep on the cliffs in front
of the cave where i live.
Each morning, I do exercises together with Maya, in front of the house, if I can call
it a houseLife on this planet seems to be a paradise with every day that passes and I
wouldn't like to lose this paradise.
What I’ve learnt from the Godlike Light is that nothing is accidental, as nothing is
finite, but your own Illusion!
This is why, I will have to find a logic between predestination and accidental, as
much as I can create a scenario that can lead me towards my target.
I suddenly see a toucan as I decided to name that bird, due to its similarity with the
terrestrial flyerWhat is strange is that its feathering changed color for a few moments
becoming something like a black raven, but with the enormous beak of the toucan.
I look more attentively and the bird recaptured its color.
"I saw a colorful bird, please tell me Maya, if such a bird can change instantaneous
the color of the feathering?"
"No, dear, answered the woman.
You had an idea. Maya is looking towards the bird.
This changes its color again.
"Don’t you see, Maya?", I asked her.
"I see nothing."
The bird has always the same color."
"I might have hallucination", I answered keeping doing exercises as daily.
All the same, I looked again to the bird that changed its feathering color again,
exactly on the jumping moment.
This time, I decided not to tell anything to the woman, while I was looking at the
bird out of the tail of my eyes.
It changed its color several times and went away.

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All I wanted to learn, was why I was the only one seeing the change of the flyer
color and Sorin Finite didn’t see it?
This proves that something is different in me, but it also can be a hallucination.
After finishing the exercises, I decided to go on the stair my toucan had sat.
I remembered that it was exactly on this stair where the mysterious stranger had sat
in my terrestrial dream, stranger that I had also met on the Illusion Mountain.
I felt worried, but also hopeful.
Maya entered the house to cook the daily breakfast although the term is not similar
to the terrestrial term. The term"to cook" refreshment means more exactly to view some
images with many dishes and to access them on a gastronomic internet so that meal is
sent electronically or teleported, I haven't understood yet.
There is electricity, too in this world, but strange, an electricity that doesn’t shock.
Once on that stair, I look around trying to find a certain connection with the
stranger, but nothing, absolutely nothing changed.
Each plant, stair, everything was at its place.
I decided to detach that stair from the steamy soil.
When I pulled the rock, I felt a vibration followed by a rumble.
I decide to go on with my action.
I pulled stronger and the rock detached.
Suddenly, I saw that mysterious stranger as on the Illusion Mountain.
I started when I saw him.
I don’t know why but I feel he has an evil soul, of tracked animal.
"I see we’ve met again", I said to him.
"Indeed, Sorin! The stranger screamed at me.
Suddenly, Maya got next to me telling me that the breakfast is served.
"She doesn't feel or see me", says the stranger.
"Do you see something different, Maya? I asked here looking toward the Stranger.
"No, I don’t anything different.
Why are you asking me?"
"Because I have the feeling that I must have a conversation with a person in front
of me, my dear."
"No, my dear, nobody is here except us."
"You didn’t have to check my statements, Sorin, said the stranger aggressively.
"How are you, stranger?", I asked him very decided.
"Do you ask me now, Sorin?, he said laughing.
"Come and serve the breakfast, dear", said Maya.
"I am the stranger in you, Sorin, and you cannot get rid of me, the stranger in
you and now go and eat and I will be here waiting for you.
Enjoy it, said he disdainfully.
I tried to be calm at the table in order not the panic.
Maya had noticed I was not ok and asked me if I was sick, I said I didn't feel so
good and that was one of the reasons I wanted to stay home, because Maya had to solve
some administrative problems.
Even in such a society, some premises are needed even if there are no countries as
on the earth.
On the entire planet, there is only one global socialist government that is elected
one in two years by direct and secret vote.
Two years means around seven terrestrial years on this planet, after my brief
calculation, I say brief because here the time is divided into a hundred divisions
meaning an hour than sixty on the earth.
This global government doesn’t have a leader or president, but a kind of ministries

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that share their portfolios.
There are no parties or political disputes.
I watch Maya eating.
I feel I love her from all my heart and I don’t want to lose her.
Finally, I told her:
"You know, on the Earth, the lovers were making love at the light of the scented
candles?"
"What are those candles, Sorin?"
"It is more complicated to explain, because the bees were only in my dreams and
they were insects that settled a substance named wax."
"I’ve never heard of bees here."
"Me neither, I said smiling.
"I don’t feel very good today and I would like to wait for you at home, I said to my
woman knowing that I would have a conversation with the Stranger, and I didn’t want
her to see my talking alone.
"No, Sorin, I want you to come with me, please, I don’t want to go alone, she said,
I a spoiled voice.
"I will stay home today, I said, thinking to the Stranger that is waiting for me on
the stairs.
"It was so difficult when you were to the Earth six weeks ago.
I was so happy when you came back after four weeks, even if only for a few
minutes.
I couldn't wait to pass two more weeks in order to see you and stay with me
forever.
"For her sake, I will defeat the Stranger!
The fight began this morning.
I will be as an animal and I won’t let my opponent defeat me.
He is the Stranger in me.
I understand now what I have to do to defeat him.
First of all I think I have to defeat me, to find me again and then I should attack
him, with my own thoughts and conceptions."
Maya stood up of the table.
"I wanted so much to go out with her.
Would I get rid of the Stranger if I told him I don’t want to climb the Illusion
Mountain?
If I really get rid of him would I be happy with that choice?"
Maya kisses me, I kiss her and then she said,
"No, if you don’t come, I won't go either."
"I’d have a happy life together with the woman I love!"
The infinite being in me sys that only in the infinite you can reach the top of the
Illusion Mountain.
I want to climb that mountain, to overlap myself, and then come back to Maya.,
and I imagine how I take her in my arms and pass the door step of the infinite for our
love to last forever.
I dream with open eyes, and the Stranger in me is waiting for me outside.
How can I find myself, to send off the stranger in me since I want to stay forever
with Maya but I also to climb to the top of the Illusion Mountain?
What do I want most?
But what I want less?
I don’t know."
"Do you keep hiding in that cave, cruel animal?, I hear the voice of the Stranger,

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calling me.
I decide to talk to the Stranger in me behind the time so that Maya shouldn’t notice
my absence.
"Al right, my dear, I will go with you."
"I am so happy, Sorin."
"Tell me, please, why was I sent to Earth?
Suddenly everything becomes still.
I know I was behind the time.
I want to get out.
Before my eyes, the Stranger dip into my eyes.
"I am here, Stranger, to ask you to understand me that I really want to climb to the
top of the Illusion Mountain as much as i want to be near Sorin Finite!"
"I forecast, you beast, that I will crush you in the end, he answered evilly.
"Why do you want to crush me, Stranger?"
"The more you want two things, the weaker your soul will be, because I am the
Stranger in you.
You are a spirit that couldn’t even make the first step on the Illusion Mountain and
you failed."
"Failed?, I repeated as if I hadn’t understood the phrase."
"All spirits are the same, with all your finite and infinite identities."
When you reach the feet of the Illusion Mountain, you run away from the first step
when you meet me.
"I don't want to run away from you, Stranger!"
"You are crazy, do you want to face me?, said the Stranger.
No, Stranger, I don’t want to face you, I want to be your friend."
We can never be friend, Sorin.
"maybe we cannot, but I can be friend with myself because I destroy you.
The Stranger began to laugh.
"You, destroy me?"
Never, never, ha, ha, haaaa!
You will never succeed because everything is accidental and Finite, and I am
Infinite!"
"I want to find myself," I told him.
Nothing is accidental because nothing is finite but your own Illusion!"
How do you want to find yourself?"
"With the help of God!" I answered.
"God is not with you.
I think he lost you a long time ago from his bag of dream somewhere at the feet of
the Illusion Mountain.
"If we knew how much God we have in us, could we drag Him into the mud?"
"What’s wrong with you, my fellow, why do you sprinkle mud on me?
How do you have God in you?, said the Stranger.
"God completed through His GODLIKE LIGHT all that are, aren’t and other
similar to them.
In all these and in ALL, the GODLIKE LIGHT entered giving breath to the
worlds that we can understand, but even to those we cannot understand.
THE GODLIKE LIGHT in our world became the LIFE LIGHT that born the
WATER, the spaces and times giving birth to the BEING.
THE GODLIKE LIGHT in other worlds gave birth to other dimensions, with
other understandings in other Universes of the Existence or Non-Existence or any
opposite.

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By the opposite of these Universes, we understand the same thing as the
Existence Universes have as opposite the Non-Existence Universes, as each Universe
has as opposite, the opposite, od the opposites of the opposites up to an infinite.
Thus, the GODLIKE LIGHT contemplated by God was without times and spaces
that we understand, a Godlike beginning.
THE GODLIKE LIGHT created the Existence, and other opposites of the two
that the mind of the human being cannot include, as it cannot include another level
with more dimensions of our Existence.
Before the beginning there was the end, as before the end there was another
beginning, but before all these the GODLIKE LIGHT SPRANG FROM THE
GREAT CREATOR AND SOLE ACCIDENTAL was, is and will be!
In the beginning, the GODLIKE LIGHT thought the skies and the earth, for the
universes of the Logic Coefficient 2. this is the sub layer to build the accomplishment.
The skies were the existence, and the Earth with the water Being.
These were desert and empty.
The day was made when the GODLIKE LIGHT made the time from the astral
dust of ITS thoughts, separating the day from night, the good from evil, together with
the GODLIKE LIGHT that became LIFE LIGHT!
Then, the Life Light considered that the skies, meaning the Existence can
become Being, as the Being sky, for the Existence. Thus, the two"water" were
separated that are under the spreading and the water that are above the spreading.
The Godlike Light separated the waters from land, thus, the seas and the land
were created.
The Godlike Light made the plants.
The Godlike Light decided to give feeling to the Great Prophet Time in Its
Universes and not only to the Space and that is why she gave birth to the planets and
stars and galaxies! Before everything, there were the Existence, Being and Life, and
then the awareness of the Existence of great galactic spreadings. By stars, the
Godlike Light made the first step for her Creation to become aware of the Time. The
Stars appear on the sky when they are born after billions of years or rise on the same
sky after they died for billions of years!
The Godlike Light made the animals and the Man!
The world of the Universes wouldn’t have been born without the symmetry of the
opposite of an existence towards each other, our existence and the non-existence,
respectively, or through opposites to an infinite level, so that the negation of the
negation to be stated not only to the factor TO BE OR NOT TO BE, but to another
infinity of parallel statements that are recognized only by the Basic Truth.
We cant get close to the GODLIKE LIGHT only through meditation, praying to
God, with al our piece of GODLIKE LIGHT in us, that we still have on this land of
fight between good and evil, beautiful and ugly.
"Which is my sense in you existence, my fellow, if you have only God? Where am
I?, said in the end the Stranger.
"We should never forget that there is darkness and we don't have to fight him
through hate, falsity, cowardice and lie, as the GODLIKE LIGHT wouldn't have Its
shine if it wasn't compared to the darkness even in the nothingness that we live,
tributary to the Life Illusion!
"But what if you the beings are a mistake of the creation, answered calmly the
Stranger in me?
"All that exists has it opposite, too. If there is imperfection, somewhere should
be the perfection, and if there is lie, somewhere should be the truth, and if there is
death, life should exist, and if there is Being, God should be, too!!

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All these would be nothing because we cannot think more but with the help of
the two opposites, TO BE and NOT TO BE, speaking of a logic of the SOLE opposite
eternal, but if we were able to think with a logic with ten, hundred, million of
opposites, where each should be the opposite of the other then?
And this is nothing compared to the infinity of opposites needed to the Basic
Truth, then?
Who could say there is no God?
Who could say there is no perfection?
To state that God, the worlds’ creator, is not perfect, is like saying that
everything is a non-sense, including God, which cannot be truth!
We, people, through the Life Illusion, won't know the true sense of the worlds
because we won’t know the Basic Truth.
No man knew or will know the Basic Truth that is why you should mediate
profoundly in your prayers to God.
The LIFE LIGHT created by God separated not only the day from night, but
also the good and evil, the beauty from ugly, and the other opposites, as many as they
are.
What is left?
The difference between the truth and the illusion, between fate and destiny, as
the fate is the destiny that we know through illusion, and the destiny is the destiny
that we don’t know as it is transposed through the Basic Truth.
"If you believe so much in God, answer me, why, at the feet of the Illusion
Mountain was there the Life Water?, said the Stranger in me trying to fool me.
"In the beginning the LIFE LIGHT made the water that is the representation of
the Being above which it meditated to the birth of the worlds floating like a thought
above the water.
Then, when she reflected in the water, she realized the time and space must be
born in order to match the face with the Being’s face that she thought to give soul!
"Why did your God leave the sufferance in the world?
Why did He create me?
"Why was the sufferance’s world created?
The wild world of the animals where rules the law of killing before being killed,
the world of beasts with bloody muzzles that are always looking for their ravines
killing to live?
What about the world of the town jungles where the hierarchy of the strongest
that takes everything is a rule as wild as the rules in the equatorial jungles related to
prowlers and ravines?
For the Life Illusion to disappear in the nothingness where it was created
together with us?
Should the hunting be a purification or is it nothing else but one of the most
negative sides of this curse or happiness that is called Life Illusion?
Many in their soul littleness attribute God al that is on this Earth in order to
make Him participate to all crimes that happen daily in front us accepting the idea
that God wants to purify by bringing us the pains during the desert life under the
Sun.
No, God never chose such purification, but His wish is to accept tranquility and
total happiness of the eternal love!
God gave us the Free Will in order to decide the right or wrong!
It was not God that gave us the crimes, but we make them in our littleness!
"This means he is a God that makes wrong, too in His creation, Sorin!
A God that makes wrong through His creation is just a God of humankind!

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Only he is limb to the tragedy of the world.
The True God has nothing to do with the illusion we live if it is curse or
happiness.
IF God id all mighty could he create us a life full of accomplishments, where
crime and human misery shouldn’t exist and why not the animal world without
prowler and ravines?
That is why the people’s God is imperfect!
If God could this and didn’t want to, this means that we see the crime through
the Life Illusion as being something bad, and seen through the Basic Truth it is
something beautiful and thus, God does us well torturing us, or the crime is
something bad and thus, God is bad with us for various reasons, or God would wish
our best, but He cannot help us because He doesn’t have the power and thus, this
means he depends on another superior force hostile to us which is the true God that
created us by mistake running terrified leaving everything apart?
This is not true as God cannot fail because, if He made mistakes, nothing that
exists would be true!
Then the truth would be a pathetic mistake, so lie!
God gave us the possibility to choose!
Which is the true God of man?
The one that we know through sufferance of this world or the one that we
perceive as very good, to whom we pray and build churches, but we don’t understand
Him, but we fall down to His feet for the coward reason that he would refine us
through sufferance as if we and God liked the sufferance?
If God likes to harm us although He is almighty and He could have left us
without pains under the Sun, this means he is not as good as we would like Him to be.
But it is not like that!
God doesn’t like to harm us. He wants us to lead towards the perfection of the
supreme happiness, towards the Basic Truth, Live and Absolute happiness.
In order to get there we have to know the evil as much as good, for this one to
have a resonance in our souls.
If we had known only the truth, this wouldn’t have been well because we
wouldn't have known hoe well id compared to bad. In the beginning God created the
GODLIKE LIGHT that knew the necessity of water to give birth to death that would
have come after life.
The LIFE LIGHT sprang from the GODLIKE LIGHT that holds the souls of the
being through the Life Illusion of our world, through birth of time and space, which
are the two illusory dimensions.
If the Life Illusion hadn’t existed, it would have been much harder in this world
where, if we want or not, we have to drink from the sufferance mug in order to
understand the happiness.
In the beginning there was only one dimension, the LIFE LIGHT that thought
to the idea of water before time and space, water from which the being be born,
brought from al over the Universe where the spatial or temporal dimension hadn’t
been yet created but the sole and faultless LIFE LIGHT.
Why does the sole real dimension Life Light need other two illusory dimensions,
space and time, only the Basic Truth knows.
Before everything the LIFE LIGHT created the WATER and floated with its
thoughts on the water.
Then it created space and time, to gibe breath to the water in order to create the
being.
Once the space created, the stars appeared, and once the time created their light

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appeared, the birth, death, happiness and sufferance.
The difference between the GODLIKE LIGHT and the LIFE LIGHT is that the
LIFE LIGHT is that part of the GODLIKE LIGHT that gave birth to the water,
leaning against the illusory dimensions of space and time, for us to know what is the
breath, to know we exist!
And then, for the first time, the WATER was sanctified, giving birth to life
together with space and time!
It was then born the death and the becoming.
God created through Personalization, the existence, its opposite, other and other
forms’ opposite. In each Personalization there are infinity of dimensions and
spiritual levels.
Our thinking cannot penetrate more than our space related to existence, and all
that we call existence refers to the Universe with times and spaces.
Out of the water came the illusion knowledge, the illusion consciousness,
together with the planets and stars that wouldn’t have shone if it hadn’t been for the
water to recognize their existence, although the Life Illusion shouted as us loud and
desert that before the water there would have been the stars with their material, with
their shining plasma and, afterwards our solar system would have been formed.
The water gives birth to the self consciousness and knowledge.
Where would be the Sun now without these? Nowhere!
"How do you know, Sorin, that there is only one God?
Maybe they are more, and then, which should you believe in?
"God is unique, for all that are and more than that.
In our world everything happen at its time like the kings and gods that had their
times because everything that was born not only under the Sun, but even in the
people's head, will disappear!
Nothing will rest with the illusory times and spaces that made us know only the
Life and Death Illusion.
"And yet, Sorin, why did man transform the terrestrial paradise in hell?
"Man transformed the terrestrial paradise in hell because he accepted in its past
the ancestral self alienation that is the base of the original sin.
When man KNEW that KNOWS he didn’t want to understand that to know
doesn’t mean to be more powerful and more praised, but on the contrary, you are
weaker and helpless.
The man’s drama is that he doesn't want to understand that he is not a God, and
he will never be and this is the point for self alienation.
The humankind tragedy is that man never understood the divinity but through
the fears and the possibility to get out of ruck with divine help.
The report between man and divinity is similar to that between a handler and an
animal.
Man needs to be handled.
He will never accept the Divinity but under the act of whip
If the Divinity didn’t have the right force to fulfill certain prayers, if It hadn’t
the possibility to revenge man in a way or another, then man wouldn’t care for the
Divinity.
"What am I doing in your existence, Sorin?"
"From the report between man and Divinity comes its self alienation because
man is not human with the divinity, but tamed best.
For as long as man won’t become human with the divinity, he will suffer of self
alienation, because man was built to be human and not beast!
For as long as man will stay beast, the world will face wars, cataclysms, various

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sufferance.
It will be a time when man is alienate from himself, so that he would wish his
death more than anything and the death would come harder.
It will be a time when in the same of free speaking, the technology will develop
that he wil be surveyed so assiduous that he will never have intimacy.
Making reference to the humanness of the human, the most superior social form
is the global government, where there are no poor or rich countries, where the low is
the same for everyone and where every person may travel freely on the planet given
by God, where the ethnic diversities may interflow by understanding and kindness
into an uniformity, forgetting the beast inside the human which always dreams to
conquer new territories of different domains.
We will have to think whether it is good or wrong to conquer certain things?
There will be more wars, more misdeeds; only the faith in God will help the
human in spite anyone's attempt to deny it, knowing that the human can’t be kneeled
as long as he has God besides him
We will blossomed as the snowdrop that gets out from snow in the spring and
nobody can ever take our faith in God, even if it is not enough, we want it from all
our heart and soul that we feel to be eternal!
Do you really believe in God’s existence?
If He were, would we be still looking for him?
The stranger looks at me silently, watching me with a glance that seemed to me
like radio graphing every particle of my body, and then he tells me:
"Sorin, even if you won this battle, this doesn’t mean that you won over the whole
war. First you have to discover why you was doomed to leave this planet for Terra and
how can you wash away your sins. For wining this battle, all I can tell you in this
moment is to search behind the time, there where you have already been when you
wanted to question Maya; the answer is there."
"Why is the answer behind the time and not into it?"
"No matter how much you will search it into the time, you will not find it because
this will stand still when you will wonder about what is its cause and how can you get
forgiveness for your sin to anyone and anyhow.
"My existence is developing together with the time and also together with the time
I have committed the sin; why should I be obliged to learn of all this from behind the
time? Wouldn’t this mean that the time is an accomplice to my sin?
By saying all this you are doing nothing else but to estrange me by myself using
the time.
Your play isn’t fair."
"I’m not playing at all, Sorin!" the stranger exclaims
"If you are not playing, than all what you are telling is hallucinatory. You are
nothing but a phantasm and nothing more, you are this steam from above the ground,
becoming nothing more than a fog of the ground. Your dishonesty enjoys me, Stranger.
"You are right, Sorin.
For as long as I am a phantasm, I will never be the Stranger in you, what I really
want to become."
"Which is my sin, Stranger?"
"Your sin is you, against you, Sorin."
"I don’t know such a sin, Stranger!"
"It is one of the hardest sins, Sorin."
"What made you call me Stranger, eventually?"
"You won a battle, Sorin".
I called you so because I want to be sound and safe in you."

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"If I eliminate you, stranger, I will erase this sin. Am I right?"
"You are not right, Sorin."
"If you lie to me, stranger, you are nothing else but that previous phantasm.
"You are right, Sorin, it is the only way you can save yourself from this
punishment."
"To which you are the first violin, Stranger!
"that is right, Sorin, but you can never defeat me."
"I’ve already done that, Stranger!"
"How?"
"FORGIVING!!!"
"What?!", repeated the Stranger with a terrible look.
"I forgive you, Stranger for everything."
‘What is forgiveness, Sorin?"
"It is the superior form of love for fellows."
"This time you defeated me forever, Sorin."
You can make another step in you climb on the Illusion Mountain, said the
Stranger disappearing in nothingness.
I am happy I will be near my love, Maya, that I won’t be sent back on the Earth.
I think that would have happened if I was defeated by the Stranger, but I won’t
give up in climbing the Illusion Mountain.
I go back home.
I hardly notice the rays of the reddish Sun that gives to this morning a tile color.
When I got home everything was still.
In this moment I think that, when I am ready to climb the Illusion Mountain, I
should leave behind the time, so that Maya may not miss me.
I touch a glass and every thing comes back.
"Let’s go, my dear,
"I am so glad we will be together."
And we lived together for eternity, because after a few months spent with her, I left
her from behind the time, not before asking her,
"Do you want to stay together until death will tear us apart?"
"So little", Maya told me.
"But for how long?" I asked her.
"For eternity", she answered.
"Then we will be together eternally!"
And that is so, because if she had told me until death, I wouldn't have left from
behind the time, but with time!
I am at the feet of the Illusion Mountain, on the bank of the lake with Life Water.
I look straight into the crystalline undulation of the lake.
I feel as the same Sorin Infinite separates from me, Sorin Finite, and then I found
his face on the smooth undulation of the lake.
"Come," said, and in a moment it was next to me.
We go towards the Illusion Mountain and we reached its feet in a short time,
although in the Infinite, the idea of time is, at least, funny, because, only you, the finite
one, can refer it to a certain reference point which is nothing else but an Illusion.
Although we climb, the peak stands away.
We managed to climb a quarter of the mountain, finally, waiting for another
obstacle that soon appeared, as a white-bearded old man sited in front of us on an
armchair what seems to be a golden chair.
He held a Scepter in his hand having a snake with diamond eyes inlaid, and in the
other hand, it held a hawk that stroke us with its eyes.

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The old man said finally,
"Welcome of the Illusion Mountain, dear travelers.
If you want to go on with your way, you should first choose the right Path."
"I hope you can find it", I said.
"To choose it? How many possibilities with have?", said Sorin Infinite.
"Only two possibilities, but you have to choose in a certain way that both should
become antagonist or they both would open new horizons towards the peaks of this
mountain.
"If both can become antagonist or both can show us the Path, this means it is not a
choice anymore.
I know that to choose is to accept one and reject the other, Old man, I said.
"This is not available here, said the Oldman. You have to reach that mental level in
order to be able to understand."
"Say, Old man, what can we do?", said Sorin Infinite.
"You should choose the Hawk’s Path or the Scepter’s Path so that you could use
the Scepter’s Path in case you have chosen the Hawk's Path or to used the Hawk’s Path
in case you have chosen the Scepter's Path."
"What do these symbolize?", I asked the Old man.
"The Hawk’s Path symbolizes the unknown, and the Scepter’s Path the intuition.
Once he finished the last word, the Old man disappeared as suddenly as he had
appeared.
I felt fear, an atavistic fear that sprang in my soul.
"What path do we choose, Sorin Infinite?"
"I would prefer the Unknown!"
"Why? Why not the intuition?"
"Because in the unknown I can develop infinitely while the intuition is a
correlative of the finite persons."
It is more serious when the dream becomes reality than when the reality
becomes dream.
"Maybe that is why I would choose it, because I am finite, but the Unknown incites
me to embarrass it because it can give me the hope of my finite.
We need so much the hope, Sorin Infinite!"
Thank you, Sorin Finite, because you have chosen the same path as I did.
Suddenly, the Illusion Mountain disappeared.
We passed into nothingness where we were always floating.
"I can’t believe, Sorin Finite."
"What, Sorin Infinite?"
"We are near the Infinite Time!"
"I am somewhere in nothingness."
"It is not nothingness, it is the Infinite Time!"
"I cannot see it, Sorin Infinite."
"We have chose the Hawks’ Path, the unknown!, Sorin Finite, because we intuited
that here it is the Infinite Time!"
"What can I do to see it, Sorin Infinite?"
"Intuit, Sorin Finite!"
I intuited in nothingness the Infinite Time!, becoming one and the same person
with Sorin Infinite.
The Old Man appeared in that moment holding in his arms the Scepter and the
Hawk, saying:
"You reached the top of the Illusion Mountain, Sorin!"
Look towards the far away horizons that you wanted so much to see.

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Look towards the Basic Truth!
Enjoy the greatness of all that you can see!
There is nothing before me, but I intuited the happiness, hope and love, given by
the Infinite Father for us to wish to climb the Illusion Mountain!
I don’t know why I screamed,
"Where are you, Godlike Light?!"
"I am right here, beside you, Sorin,
"Where?"
"In your thoughts, I remained only there.
Look at me only in your thoughts.
A so very beautiful woman appeared in front of my eyes, surrounded by
transparent ray of lights that formed a bow around Her, giving her a note o greatness
and splendor by the beautiful color of the rays.
"You are, Godlike Light", I told her very surprised.
"I am the one that it is, Sorin."
"I am so glad to see you, finally, Godlike Light."
"No, dear Sorin, we don’t see each other, we only think and contemplate about
each other
"And then why do I see you as if it was a meeting in full day in a beautiful image?"
"Don’t forget, Sorin, you are on the top of the Illusion Mountain and here it is my
Shelter!
The Contemplation Illusion gives birth to feeling!
This is the little secret through which you can see me, but I am not only this
transparent image that you see, dear Sorin!"
"Who are you in fact, Godlike Light?"
"I am the entire ugly and beautiful image that you can imagine."
"Why do I see you so beautiful and why do I feel you so close to my soul?"
"Here comes the Basic Truth for the first time, that flies on the wings of the winds
from nowhere and that states the you, Sorin, you are a defeater because you manage to
climb to the top of the Illusion Mountain, and you would never have been able to reach
this top if you hadn’t felt Me next to you.
"But why did the Old Man with eh Scepter and the Hawk disappeared, Godlike
Light?"
He had to disappear because that Old Man was me, but with another face.
When you look towards the horizons of the infinite located on the top of the
Illusion Mountain, I had to take the face that was more adequate for you from
energetically, Sorin.
But, for every soul that really arrives here, the My most adequate energetic face is
that of fluffiness, even for a moment, of its whishes.
This is the Eternity, this id the Infinite, this is the Basic Truth!
And now you must turn back from where you came."
Where should I go back, Godlike Light?"
"Back to the worlds of the Universes."
"Why? I would like to stay with you forever!"
"This can be done, as you will never see me again with all my faces in the same
time, because eyou are a being, Sorin!"
"No matter how far I reach on the Contemplation Path, Godlike Light?"
"No matter how far, dear Sorin."
"Not even if I deepen in the Infinite, but also Finite profoundness of my being?"
"Not even then, Sorin!"
"But you said that part of you is in my being, too!"

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"Not now, dear Sorin."
"Why not now?"
"Because this time you are in me and not Me in you, Sorin.
"I don’t understand, Godlike Light."
"You are infinite now, Sorin, you are infinite and that’s why you are in My soul as
I was in your soul when you were finite."
"But I want to see you, I feel so lonely and left without you. What can I do to see
you again?"
"Just to become Finite, Sorin."
"If I become finite, will you come to me again?"
"Every time you will need Me, every time you'll feel that a piece of Me is in you
soul as I feel a piece of you that is in My souls when you are infinite, Sorin."
Why all these, Godlike Light, why once in the top of the Illusion Mountain instead
of seeing you eternally, although I am part of you, not only o don’t see you, but I don’t
even feel that happiness, love and fulfillment that you brought when I was finite?"
"Because I didn’t feel that happiness and completeness then that I have now when
I feel you in my heart, dear Sorin."
"Why, Godlike Light, why don’t we can meet each other?"
"It is a Destiny, Sorin!"
"A Destiny?"
"It is a Destiny for the Infinite not to meet the Finite."
"Why, Godlike Light?"
"Because they depend one on each other, and a meeting would bring their death,
because the Finite is the Finite compared to Infinite and Infinite is the Infinite compared
to the Finite, this is why we can’t see each other, but in the hypothesis from the Illusion
Mountain, because I am the Infinite for you when you are Finite and the Finite in you
when you are Infinite!"
I will fight the Destiny! I will destroy it and we will always be together."
"No, you shouldn't, Sorin!"
"Why? Don’t you want us to meet?"
"I want this so much, but I will never realize it, because, even if the Law was
changed, and Its Destiny destroyed forever and together with It, our Infinite and Finite
that is our Destiny, we would disappear together with the life, and the Destiny would
end in the Prophesies of the End that never had a Beginning, disappearing It, too,
because we are in the first place Destiny!, and then Infinite and Finite, and the Destiny
is the Intuition that holds the Unknown or the Scepter that holds the Hawk! All these
will disappear if we met, dear Sorin."
"You told me you can show me worlds where there are all the possible hypostases
that I can ever imagine."
"I will show this to you, Sorin, but you should become Finite for this, and I am
going to lose you again for a while of all the times in Me."
"Let's go from here through other and other worlds, Godlike Light!"
"I don’t think it is good to wander through worlds as so far, Sorin!"
"Why, Godlike Light, why it wouldn’t be good to wander through these worlds?"
"Because you are not anymore the beforehand soul, because you soul met the
infinite climbing the Illusion Mountain for the first time in its eternity, reaching the
Infinite Time that holds in its hands the Scepter and the Hawk.
You soul has now the dimension of the Infinite together with the dimension of the
Finite, it is a complex soul that knows where the hard Path from the Illusion Mountain
leads to, it knows what cannlot be known because it is only the cold and unsmooth
Desntiny, dear Sorin, how much I love you!"

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"I will go back to death and life, to end and beginning to ….."
"No, dear Sorin, don’t go low-spirited, go with your heart full of joy because you
have becoem again your own Destiny!"
"I feel like crying, Godlike Light, I am so low-spirited, and you tell me to go back
to the eternal ends that can’t begin in my heart anymore.
I didn’t believe that on the top of the Illusion Mountain I would lose you more than
find you.
If I knew, I would have never climbed so far.
Why?
Why didn’t you tell me, Godlike Light?
"Now that you know, are you happier, Sorin?"
"No, no way!"
"This is why I haven’t told you."
You deserved your own moments of happiness, within a reality where there is no
temporality, so moments.
Do you realize now, Sorin, how much you need Illusion, Sorin?
Do you think I don’t want to climb this mountain?
Do you think that, as Infinite, as Infinite Spiritual Energy I don’t need to climb this
mountain?"
"Even you, my dear Godlike Light?"
"Maybe more than you, Sorin."
"What is truly Holly, Godlike Light?"
You, the Spiritual Energy, beauty, love?"
All these have their level of holiness, but the most holly id the Mountain of
Illusion that climbed, Sorin!
This is the Holly Mountain!
If we don’t devote to it as we should, all loves and beauties would disappear like a
smoke in the wing blow."
"How should we devote to it, Godlike Light?"
"Believing in Illusion!"
"Is this the Destiny?"
"Yes, Sorin, this is the Destiny, to believe in Illusion!"
"What happen if we don’t believe?"
"We disappear forever, Sorin."
"To believe in Illusion is similar to accept a Destiny that separated us forever,
Godlike Light?"
"Regretfully, Sorin, but it is so!"
"To become always Finite next to your Infinity or Infinite when you are Finite
through my Infinity?!"
"This is the destiny, Sorin!"
"Now, go, Sorin!, you have to go, my dear, because I am burnt myself by a
yearning fire, and if you don’t go, we will destroy ourselves, forever.
"What fire, my dear Godlike Light?"
"It is the vivid fire of the Destiny that doesn’t forgive and bustles me to send you
away as fast as possible.
Do you want to die, Sorin?"
"How should I want something like this, I love you, Godlike Light."
"I begin to burn, Sorin!"

I decided then to become Finite and to come back to Maya, the beautiful girl I had
left running from behind the time wishing so much to become eternal and infinite!

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I met Maya again and we lived together a lifetime, then I went back to the Godlike
Light.
I don’t even know how I entered the stellar tunnel so known, through which I went
in a higher and higher speed. When I opened my eyes, I realized that during a few hours
of sleep, I had lived more lives in other worlds while I was sleeping beside my wife,
Dana Christine. It was spring and at dawn, you could hear the birds that didn’t know
how many worlds I wandered through last night. After a while, I began writing a book
about these encounters with the Godlike Light, even more, I visited the Sphinx in the
Carpathian Mountains, together with my wife, and we picked some nail-sized pebbles
from the mountain feet as souvenirs. I knew well that place where, not long ago from
the terrestrial point of view I was together with the Godlike Light. I didn’t look for Jane
Katra this time because I realized there was no sense in doing that. I knew I would find
her once. One day, in some strange circumstances, I received an e-mail from
somewhere from Virginia from a certain Jane Katra having asked me where I wrote her
from?
I answered that I knew about that name from the Godlike Light, although I thought
it was a simple coincidence of names, that she would never answer me with LIGHT J.,
as the Godlike Light used to call me once.
The message I received was this:
"I am survivor of a near-death experience, and I have come back from The Light to
Bring spiritual healing to world, as a healer.
So, Light is compelling and magnetic.
Light
Jane
I have no words to explain what I felt when I read this :LIGHT JANE! Waited for
so long
I felt like laughing, crying, jumping with joy, but in the same time, I was
overwhelmed with emotion that not even a searcher would feel when finds himself on
the verge of a great discovery. Jane. Katra, really exists and it is not any Jane Katra, but
the one that answered me with that Light Jane, without knowing that it was exactly
what I was waiting for.
I hardly realized that the greatness of the worlds I had passed through proved to be
as real as possible, that I was really carried by the Wings of the Godlike Light.
I know there is going to be a day when I come back to the Godlike Light, when the
life I still have to live near the Godlike Light worth nothing, not even a split moment,
since I separated from HER.

Testament
Yesterday night, October 22nd, 2005, I decided not to be buried, for nothing in the
world, in a grave where my body putrefies even if my soul left it. Not because it would

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matter, but because the purifying energy of the fire will achieve the Destiny that was
given to me. I want to be burnt, and my ash should be taken to the Sphinx in the Bucegi
Mountain, Romania, by my wife, Dana Christine, if she lives more than me, if not, by
anybody else, and should be thrown into the wind floating on its wings towards the
mountains at the horizon. I don’t want any funeral symbol, cross or commemorative
tablet to remember that in that place, the ash of my body was returned to the nature that
had conceived it, and that I loved from all my heart, my whole life. I don’t want tears or
boring corteges that are useless. Death is a new birth. I will revive freer and happier
next to the Godlike Light, my personages Irene, Christine, Lama, Anthony Mc
Coulough, where I will dearly be waiting for those closed to me from the world with
times and spaces that I haven’t left yet, or I will meet again those that said already
goodbye before me. I don’t have wealth and I haven’t liked it at all, because wealth and
greed belong to our darkness. Although NEW ERA will bring certain wealth, I prefer it
will be used by my successors to cover certain strict needs, and the redundancy should
be used in helping the poor and the sick. Don’t forget that the earthy life is nothing else
but a bit of time due to the Life Illusion that can’t even be compared to the Eternity
through the same Life Illusion.
May the happiness, fulfillment and recapture embarrass you.
Sorin Cerin

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