The Guide To Beating Procrastination

www.hillaryrettig.
com/page1
TITLE
TheLittleGuideToBeatingProcrastination, PerfectionismandBlocks:AManualforArtists, Activists,Entrepreneurs,AcademicsandOther AmbitiousDreamers

byHillaryRettig,http://www.hillaryrettig.co m lifelongactivist@yahoo.com
VERSIONINFORMATION Version1.0released12/10/07 AUTHORSHIP ThisebookisadaptedfrommybookTheLifelongActivist:HowtoChangetheWorld WithoutLosingYourWay(LanternBooks,2006).FormoreinformationonTheLifelong Activistpleasevisithttp://www.hillaryrettig.com. Idolifeandcareercoachingthathelpactivists,artists,entrepreneurs,studentsandother ambitiousdreamersbreakfreeofprocrastination,perfectionism,fear,negativityand otherblockstosuccesssothattheycanachievetheirlifegoals.Ialsohelppeople succeedattheirjobsearches(thatswhatthesubjectofmynextbookwillbe).Ifyoulike theapproachinthisebook,andthinkmycoachingwouldbehelpfultoyou,pleaseemail meatlifelongactivist@yahoo.com.Youcanalsoreadmoreaboutmycoachingand workshopservicesathttp://www.hillaryrettig.com. Ifthisebookhashelpedyou,and/orifyouhavesuggestionsforthenextedition,Iwould welcomehearingfromyou.Thanks,Hillary.lifelongactivist@yahoo.com WARRANTY Theinformationinthisebookispresentedwithoutwarrantyofanykind.Ithashelped
www.hillaryrettig.com/page2
manypeople,anditismysincerewishthatithelpyou,butIcantacceptresponsibility foranynegativeresultyoufeelyoumayhaveobtainedfromusingit.Ifyouaresuffering fromanintractableprocrastinationproblem,orpanicattacks,anxiety,depression, addictionoranyotherpsychologicalorphysicalcondition,pleaseseekprofessionalhelp beforefollowingtheadviceherein.Hillary LICENSE ThisebookislicensedundertheCreativeCommonsAttributionNoncommercialShare Alike3.0license,whichmeansyouareallowedtocopy,alteranddistributeitnon commerciallysolongasyouincludetheaboveTitle,Version,AuthorshipandWarranty statements,aswellasthisLicensestatement.Ifyouchoosetodistributeyouraltered versiontoothers,youmustpermitthemthesamefreedomtocopy,alteranddistribute noncommerciallyunderthesameterms.Formoredetailsclickonthislink: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/byncsa/3.0/us/. TEXTNOTES *ThroughoutTheLittleGuide,Iusethetermartisttorefertocreativepeopleofall types,includingfineartists,musicians,writers,andperformers,aswellascraftspeople, designers,andothercommercialorappliedartists. *IoftenusethewordstudenttoreferbothtostudentsIhavetaughtinclassesand workshops,andindividualsIhavecoached. *PleasenotethatalthoughthetechniquesdescribedinTheLittleGuideworkontheir own,youllprobablyachievebetterresultsusingtheminconjunctionwiththeMission ManagementandTimeManagementtechniquesdescribedinPartsIandIIofThe LifelongActivist.IdidntincludethosetopicsherebecauseIwantedtowritealittleguide thatfocusedjustonthetopicthatmostpeopleseemmosturgentlyinterestedin, overcomingprocrastination.Ido,however,occasionallyrefertotheimportanceof managingyourmissionandtimeinthisebook,andurgeyoutopickupTheLifelong Activisttoreaduponthosetopics.
TABLEOFCONTENTS
PARTI.THEPROBLEMDEFINED 1.AnEarlyMorninginMay(orSeptember,orJanuary) 2.ThingsThatBumpUsOffOurPath 3.DespairandHope 4.TheProblemYouThinkYoureSolving 5.TheProblemsYouShouldBeSolving 6.Fear1.IntroductiontoFearandFearofChange 7.FearII.FearofFailure 8.FearIII.FearofSuccess 9.NoSuchThingasPureFailureorSuccess 10.DontCompoundFearWithShame 11.FearCreatesObstaclestoSuccess 12.TheMostImportantThingYouNeedtoKnowAboutYourObstacles 13.NonObstacles 14.BewareMythsthatPromoteandExcuseFailure 15.Perfectionism 16.Negativity 17.NegativityII 18.Hypersensitivity 19.Panic:TheFearAmplifier PARTII.THESOLUTIONS 20.FalseSolutionI:MeanMommy/MeanDaddy 21.FalseSolutionsIIandIII:SellingOutandStallingOut 22.FalseSolutionIV:Dithering 23.SolutionI:TheThreeProductivityBehaviors 24.PracticingtheThreeProductivityBehaviors 25.FiveSuccessTips 26.SolutionII:AProcessforOvercomingFearBasedProcrastinationandPanic 27.ToolsforChangeI:Journaling 28.ToolsforChangeII:TherapyandSelfCare 29.ToolsforChangeII:ACreatedCommunity
30.FindingandCultivatingMentors 31.TheUltimateSolution(SolutionIII)toManagingYourFears 32.DevelopinganEmpoweredPersonality 33.WhatEmpoweredPeopleDo
PARTI.THEPROBLEMDEFINED
Chapter1. AnEarlyMorninginMay(orSeptember,orJanuary)
Sohereswhathappens: Youhaveaplanletssay,towakeupat7;bewashedanddressedand breakfastedby8;atyourdesk,easelorotherworkspaceby9;workthreehours;exercise duringyourlunchbreak;eatahealthysaladatyourdesk;workfourmorehours;come home;eatdinnerwithyourpartner;workacouplemorehoursintheevening;andthen curlupinbedwithagoodbook. Butyoudontfollowtheplan. Maybeyouwakeuplateat8,or9,ornoon!Theplanistrashedbeforeyou evengetstarted. Or,maybe,ittakesyounotone,butthreehourstomakeittoyourdesk.Andthen, onceyourethere,youspendanhourorthreereadingthenewspaper,Websurfing,and makingpersonalcalls. Or,maybewhenlunchtimerollsaroundyoudontexerciseandinsteadofasalad eatagiganticsubmarinesandwichandthenspendtherestoftheafternoonfeeling sluggishanddontgetmuchdone. Etc. Procrastinationiswhenyougetbumpedoffthepathyousetforyourselfforthe day.Meaning,youstartthedaywithaplan,butsomehow,bythetimebedtimerolls around,youhaventaccomplishedsome,orall,ofwhatyouhadintended. Thereareotherdefinitionsofprocrastination,butIlikeminebecauseitreflects thenotionthat,ateverymoment,youremakingachoicetoeitherstayonyourpath(or schedule)orleaveit.Thechallengeofbeatingprocrastinationisthechallengeof resistingtheurgetoleaveyourpath.Thisisalsothechallengeofbeatingblocks,sincea blockisreallyanongoingprocrastinationproblemthatlastsweeks,months,yearsor decades. Thisebookwillhelpyoufigureoutwhatiscausingyoutoleaveyourdailypath, andwhatyoucandotostayonit.Itoffersnotone,butthreeprovensolutionsto procrastination:Iveusedthesesolutionsmyselfwithgreatsuccess,andsohavemanyof mystudentsandcoachingclients.Moreover,thesesolutionsworkfast.Studentswho
employthemoftenshootaheadlikearrowsontheirgoals,eveniftheyvebeenblocked foryears.Illexplainwhythatissolaterinthebook.Fornow,justrelaxandreadon, andrestassuredthat,bythetimeyoufinish,youwillbemuchmoreempoweredtofinally defeatyourprocrastinationproblemandlivetheproductiveandhappylifeyouvealways yearnedfor.
Chapter2. ThingsThatBumpUsOffOurPath
Letssayyouplannedtobeatyourcomputer,workingonaproject,at10a.m.on aMondaymorning,butyourenot.Whynot?Theanswercouldbeoneormoreofthe following: *Gotuplate. *Quarreledwithyourloverlastnight,andkeeprelivingthequarrelinyourmind. *Aretootiredthecoffeehasntkickedinyet. *Aretoohyperdranktoomuchcoffeeandcantsitstill. *Aredistractedbytheweatheritsbeautifuloutandyoudlovetotakeawalk orbikeride. *Aredistractedbytheweatheritsawfulanddepressing. *Gotacall(oremailorinstantmessage)fromafriend,whoisdepressed(though notincrisis)andneededtotalk. *Gotacallfromafriend(oremailorinstantmessage)whoishappyandwanted tosharegoodnews. *Arereadingthenewspapereverylastwordofit. *AreWebsurfingorWebshopping. *AreplayingSolitaire. *Justrealizedthatitishighlyimportanttoworkonsomeotherproject. Or,ifyouworkinahomeoffice: *TurnedontheTVforaminuteandsawthatoneofyourfavoriteactorswas beinginterviewed,soyoudecidetowatchtheinterview. *Justrealizedthatthelaundrydesperatelyneedstogetdone! Thesearetypicalofthekindsofthingsthatcanbumpyouoffyourpath.Itsonly apartiallist,ofcourseyoucanprobablyaddmanyotherentriestoit.Thereare
probablyhundredsofpotentialbumpsthatcanknockyouoffyourpath. Oneimportantthingtonoticeisthat,whilesomeofthesebumpsseemgoodor worthwhile(likecommiseratingwithyourunhappyfriendordoingthelaundry),and someseembadorfrivolous(likeplayingSolitaire),theyareallequallyunacceptable fromthestandpointofbeatingyourprocrastinationhabit.Youwillneedtolearntoresist theurgetogetsuckedintoactivitiesnotonyourschedule,nomatterhowimportantor virtuoustheyseematthemoment.Theoneexception,ofcourse,isemergencies,by whichImeanactivitiesthatcantbepostponedwithoutsignificanthurttoyourselfor others.Butevenwithanemergency,afteryouvedealtwithit,askyourselfwhetherit couldhavebeenpreventedbybetterplanning,orwhethersomeoneelsecouldhave handledit.Ifyouvegotanambitiousgoal,itisveryimportanttolearntominimizethe numberofpreventableemergenciesinyourlife,andtolearntodelegateasmuchas possible. IfitsoundslikeImtakingahardline,Iam.Ineedto,becauseprocrastinatorsare oftenadeptatrationalizingtheirdiversions.Obviously,ifsomeoneissickorotherwise incapacitated,weshouldhelpthem,buttowhatextent?Itsnotalwaysclear,andmany procrastinatorsmisjudge,sacrificingtoomuchoftheirowntimetohelpothers,even whenthoseothersarentparticularlyneedyorwhensomeoneelseisavailabletohelp. Thisproblemcanbehardtoidentify,muchlesssolve,becausethe(deservedly)virtuous feelingonegetsfromhelpingoftenoffsetstheguiltthattheprocrastinationnormally engenders. LookatYourCommitmentsWithaFreshEye Whenyoustartlookingatyourcommitmentsfromthestandpointofsomeone whoisdeterminedtosucceedattheirambitiousdreammeaning,someonewhomust usetheirtimeoptimallyfreshsolutionstoformerlyunsolvabledilemmasoften presentthemselves.So,forinstance: *Yourelderlyparentscouldprobablyfindsomeoneelsetomowtheirlawnand pickupthegrocerieslikeanotherfamilymember,orthehighschoolkiddowntheblock whoneedsafewextrabucks.Or, *Yourspouseandkidscouldprobablysurviveontakeout(orcooktheirown food!)afewnightsaweek.Or, *Yourfriendwhoneedsalotofsupportcouldfindothersfriendsoreven professionals,suchasatherapisttohelpprovideit. Ifyoudidnthaveanambitiousdreamthatyouwerepursuingontopoflifes ordinarydemands,thenmaybeyoucouldgetawaywithmowingthelawn,cookingall
themeals,andtalkingforhourseachdaywithyourfriend.Butonceyouownuptoyour ambitiousdream,youareessentiallydeclaringthatyouwillbeveryparticularandself directedinhowyouspendyourtime,becauseyouneedtoreserveasmuchtimeas possibleforyourdream.Thisisindirectcontrasttomostpeople,wholetothers includinglovedones,friends,neighbors,coworkersandcorporationscontroltheirtime forthem. Almostallambitiousdreamers,forinstance,needtoreducethetimetheyspend ontedioushouseholdchorestoascloseaspossibletozero,sothattheycanusethe reclaimedtimeandenergytoworkontheirdream.Okay,ifyouenjoygardeningandit feedsyoursoul,thendontgivethatup.Butlaundry?Yardwork?Moppingfloors? Standinginlineatthegrocerystore?Totheextentyoureableto,findsomeoneelseto doit.Sendyourlaundryouttobedone,hiresomeonetomaintainthelawn(orgetyour spouseorkidstodoit),buyafloormoppingrobot,andhaveyourgroceriesdelivered.If youfeelfunnydoinganyofthat,getoverit:reducingyourhouseworkburdenisan investmentinyourself.Besides,itsunrealistictothinkthatyoucanspendyourtimethe samewaynonambitiousdreamersdoandstillaccomplishyourambitiousdream. Noneofthisshouldbetakentomeanthatyouabandonyourfamilyorfriends.It justmeansyouinvestyourtimejudiciously.Eventhoughyourenotmowingyour parentslawn,forinstance,youcouldstillbetakingthemtomedicalappointments:thats amuchhighervalueactivitythatisprobablyafarbetteruseofyourtime.Andeven thoughyourenotcookinghomecookeddinnerseverynight,youcouldstilldoita coupleoftimesaweek.Andeventhoughyourenotgoingtobeabletotalktoyour friendforhourseveryday,youcouldstillbeavailabletoherintimesofrealneed. Itcanbescarytochangethetermsofourinteractionwithsomeone,especiallyif wevebeeninteractingwiththemacertainwayforyears.(Doubleespeciallyifweve beentaughttosubordinateourneedstoothers,asmanywomeninparticularare.)People oftenreactbadlywhenwetellthemwecantdoasmuchforthem,orspendasmuchtime withthem,aswehavebeen.Often,however,ifwetakethetimetoshareoursituation, dreamsandneeds,theyaresurprisinglyunderstandingandeagertohelp.Sodontjusttell peopleyouwillbelessavailabletellthemwhy,andaskfortheirsupportandhelp. If,afteryoushareyourstory,somepeoplestillarentunderstanding,orare activelyhostile,thatsasadproblemtohave,butacommonone.Thatswhysuccessful peoplelearntosayno,andalsotodistancethemselvesfromunsupportiveortoxic people,eveniftheyhappentoberelatedtothem. Whatevertimeyoudecidetospendhelpingothersyoushouldbuildintoyour weeklyormonthlyschedule.Youshouldalsobuildintimebothforyourownrelaxation andforunplannedeventsandemergencies.Manypeoplethinktimemanagementisabout
tryingtostuffasmuchaspossibleintoonesschedule,butitsnot;itsaboutclearingas muchaspossibleoffyourschedulesoyoucanwork,atacomfortable,nonstressfulpace, onyourimportantgoals. Tosumup:whateverbumpsyouoffyourpaththatisnotanunpreventable emergencyisprocrastination,nomatterhowimportantitmayseematthetime.
Chapter3. DespairandHope
Mostprocrastinatorstellthemselvesthingslike:Imlazy.Imundisciplined.Im afailure.Imhopeless.Ivegotnowillpower.Illneversucceedatanything. Manyartists,activists,andotherambitiousdreamerstaketheselfabuseastep further,framingtheirprocrastinationasamoralflaw:Imasellout,uncommitted, shallow. Manyprocrastinatorsleadadoublelife,pretendingtobehappyandproductive whilereallyfeelingbesieged.Theirboastsabouttheirhugeworkloads,abilitytowork underpressure,andconstantneedtopullallnightersareoftenjustacoverforshameand desperation;andoften,whenthingsgetreallyhotwhentheyareabouttomissaserious deadline,therebyrevealingtheirtrue,shamefulnaturetheycutandrun,abandoninga project,course,job,relationshiporothercommitment. Often,procrastinatorsbecomedepressedalmostassoonastheywakeupbecause theyknowtheyaredestinedtoprocrastinatethatday.Procrastinationcanalsofeelvery confusing.Atbedtime,youlookbackonthedayandcantfigureoutwhereyourtime went.Yourememberreadingtheheadlines,drinkingacupofcoffeewithyour officemates,watchingsometelevision,andsurfingtheWeb,butthoserandomactivities couldntpossiblyhavefilledtheentireday,couldthey?But,ofcourse,theydid.Thats whatCharlesDickensmeant,inDavidCopperfield,whenhehadMr.Macawbercall procrastination,thethiefoftime.Toaprocrastinator,itreallydoesfeelasifhisorher timeweresomehowstolen. Ifaprocrastinationproblemisseriousenough,andlastslongenough,itisoften calledablock,asinwritersblock.Anyonecanbeblocked,andmanypeople, perhapsmost,are.Sometimes,blockslastforweeksormonths,butoften,tragically,they lastforyears,decadesorevenentirelifetimes.Beingblockedisoneoftheworstfeelings intheworld;itdrivessomepeopletoabsolutedespair.
WaitTheresGoodNews! Butwaittheresnoneedtofeelashamedordespairing!Whenoneofmy studentsconfessestoaprocrastinationproblem,Icongratulateher.Yes,congratulate. Hereswhy: *Procrastinationisanafflictionofambitiouspeople.Ifyoudontbelieveme,doa Websearchonprocrastination:youllgetlinkstohundredsofpagesadvisingyouonhow nottoprocrastinatewhenwritingyournovelorthesis,pursuingafitnessprogram,or lookingforanewjob.Theseareallambitiousendeavors,andpeoplewhopursuethem shouldbeadmiredeveniftheydoprocrastinate. *Allprocrastinators,nomatterhowthwarted,canboastatleastoneachievement: theyhaventgivenupontheirdream.Iftheyhad,theywouldntbeworriedabout procrastinatingonit. Toholdontoanambitiousdreamdespiteonesfears,andalso(frequently)despite discouragementanddisapprovalfromthosearoundusandsocietyitself,takesvision, dedicationandcourage.So,insteadofseeingyourprocrastinationproblemasashameful flaw,tryseeingitinsteadasasymbolofsomethinggreatwithinyou.Yeah,youvegot someworktodotorealizeyourfullpotentiallikewhohasnt?Butatleastyoukeep showingupandfightingthegoodfight. Anotherreasonnottofeelbadaboutyourprocrastinationproblemisthatpretty mucheveryoneprocrastinates. EversinceIbecameinterestedinprocrastination,afewyearsback,Ivemadea pointofaskingmanyofthepeopleItalkwithwhethertheyprocrastinate.Iveaskedvery successfulpeopleandpeoplewhowerelesssuccessful;peoplewithlongestablished careersandthosejuststartingout. Andguesswhat?Iveonlymetoneortwopeoplewhosaidtheynever procrastinated.So,prettymucheveryonehasdayswhentheygetbumpedofftheirpath. Everyonehasgoalsoften,thegoalsnearestanddearesttotheirheartsthattheyarenot makingprogressonasfastastheywouldlike.Itstruethatsuccessfulpeopletendto procrastinatelessthantheunsuccessfulonesthatis,Ibelieve,theverythingthatmakes themsuccessfulbutsometimestheydoit,too. Thisbookiswrittenspecificallyforartists,activists,entrepreneurs,academics andotherambitiousdreamers.Arethesegroupsparticularlypronetoprocrastination? Maybe.Asthelate,greatnovelistandteacherJohnGardnersaidinhisbookOn BecomingaNovelist: Theoreticallytheresnoreasononeshouldget[writersblock],ifoneunderstandsthat
writing,afterall,isonlywriting,neithersomethingoneoughttofeeldeeplyguiltyabout norsomethingoneoughttobeinordinatelyproudof.Ifchildrencanbuildsandcastles withoutgettingsandcastleblock,andministerscanprayoverthesickwithoutgetting holinessblock,thewriterwhoenjoyshisworkandtakesmeasuredprideinitshould neverbetroubledbywritersblock.Butalas,nothingssimple.Theveryqualitiesthat makeoneawriterinthefirstplacecontributetoblock:hypersensitivity,stubbornness, insatiability,andsoon. Gardnerconsidersthosecharacteristicsvirtues,andsodoI.(Whathecalls hypersensitivity,however,Icallsensitivity.Idefinehypersensitivitydifferentlyand seeitasaproblem,asdiscussedinChapter18.) Letsalsonotforgetthatambitiousdreamerschoosetopursueexceptionally difficultgoalsotherwise,theydbeUNambitiousdreamers,right?Ordinarylifeis prettycomplexstuff,sayswriterHarveyPekar,butinadditiontothecomplexitiesof ordinarylife,ambitiousdreamerscanexpecttofacefinancialriskifnotprobable impoverishment;emotionalriskandrejection;lackofsupportfromfamilyand/orsociety; andstressfulworkingconditions.Andthatdoesntevencounttheinherentdifficultiesof thegoalitselfi.e.,theneedoftheartisttoperfecthercraftandsellherwork,orofthe academictofinishhisthesis. Manypeoplefleefromthesekindsofstresses,andI,forone,cantblamethem. Theproblem,however,isthatindoingsotheyalsofleefromtheirdreams.WheneverI teach,Iremindmystudentswhoareoftendeeplyashamedoftheirprocrastination problemofthemanypeoplewhohavegivenupontheirdreams.Weallsharea momentofsadnessforthosepeople,andthenIquietlycongratulatemystudentsfor perseveringintheirowndreamsdespiteallthedifficultiesandbarriers. Iwouldsimilarlycongratulateyou.
Chapter4. TheProblemYouThinkYoureSolving
Look,youreasmartperson.Acreativeperson.Adedicatedperson.Impretty sureaboutallofthat,oryouwouldntbeanambitiousdreamer,orreadingthisebook. So,howcomeyoucantsolvealittleprocrastinationproblem? Ifyourelikemanyofmystudents,thatquestionhashauntedyouforyears.One ofthemostfrustratingthingsaboutprocrastinationisthatitseemslikeitwouldbethe
easiestproblemintheworldtosolveJustworkharder,Sally!when,inreality,itis oneofthehardest. Actually,thatsnotquitetrue.Anyproblemishardtosolve,ifyourenotreally solvingit. Huh? Imeanit:theonlywaytosolveaproblemistosolveit.Ifyoutrytosolvea problemusingactionsdesignedtosolvesomeotherproblem,oractionsdesignedtosolve noproblematall,butinsteadtomaintainthestatusquo,thenyouareboundtofail. (Whywouldsomeonewhoprocrastinates,andismademiserablethereby,wantto maintainthestatusquo?SeeChapter5.)Youcantryfromheretothemoon,harnessing allthebrainpower,creativityandpassionyoucanmuster,andyoullstillneversolvethe problem. Makessense,doesntit?Hereshowitappliestoyourprocrastinationproblem: Youprobablythinktherootproblemcausingyourprocrastinationislaziness,lack ofdiscipline,lackofwillpower,immaturity,lackofcommitment,orsomesimilar characterflaw. Butguesswhat?Itslikelynoneofthose. Firstofall,mostprocrastinatorsarenotIrepeat,notlazy,undisciplined,etc.In fact,mosttendtobedynamosinareasotherthantheonetheyareprocrastinatingin.One ofthepeculiartorturesofprocrastinationisthatweareoftenproductiveinareasofour livesotherthantheoneclosesttoourheart. Secondlyandyouwillhearmesaythisrepeatedlybecauseitssuchavitalpoint applyingnegativelabelssuchaslazyorundisciplinedtoyourselfis,froma problemsolvingstandpoint,worsethanuseless.Notonlydothoselabelsmisidentifythe problem,theyactuallymakethesituationworsebyunderminingyourselfconfidenceand predisposingyoutofailure.AsIdiscussinChapter20,parents,teachers,coachesand mentorsallknowthatcriticism,shameandblamedonotinspirepositivebehavioral change.Rather,encouragementandpraiseforanysmallsteptakenarethewaytogo. Andthatsnotjusttrueforkids;itstrueforeveryoneatanyage. Moreover,thefieldofexpectationspsychologyhasshownusthatpeopleoften liveupordowntothelabelsothersstickonthem;sothatifsomeonerepeatedlycalls you,oryourepeatedlycallyourself,lazyoruncommitted,youarelikelytolivedown tothatlabel.IllhavealotmoretosayaboutlabelsinChapter17,butinthemeantime stopnegativelylabelingyourself!
******
TheMythofLaziness
Thinkofyourselfaslazyoruncommitted?InabookentitledTheMythof Laziness,learningdisabilitiesexpertMelLevine,M.D.,discusseshowmanycasesof lazinesscanbetracedtoundiagnosedoruntreatedlearningdisabilities,teaching failures,physicalproblemslikebadeyesightormotorcontrol,aninadequatephysical environment,orachaoticfamilylife.Oncethesecausesarediagnosedandaddressed,a personssupposedlazinessoftenevaporates.Levinesapproachhighlightshowjust importantitistocharacterizeyourprocrastinationproblemproperly. ******
Chapter5. TheProblemsYouShouldBeSolving
Moreoftenthannot,solving,orresolving,aproblemisarathertrivialexerciseonce weknowwhattheproblemis.GauseandWeinberg,AreYourLightsOn?Howto FigureOutWhattheProblemREALLYIs. Treatingprocrastinationasasymptomoflazinessoralackofdisciplinedoesnt workbecausethosearenotthecausesofprocrastination.Rather,theyaresymptoms,just likeprocrastinationitselfisasymptom,ofadeeperproblem.Thatproblemisusually either: 1.Youwerenevertaughtthehabitsofproductivework.Sincenatureabhorsa vacuum,thisprobablymeansyouveinsteadlearnedthedefaulthabitsoflow productivityornonproductivity.ThisresultsinwhatIcallBehavioralBased Procrastination.Or, 2.Fear:ofchange,success,failure,etc.ThisresultsinwhatIcallFearBased Procrastination. Often,peoplesufferfromboth. BehavioralBasedProcrastinationisarelativelysimpleproblemtodefineand solve,andIdosostartinginChapter23. FearBasedProcrastinationismorecomplex.StevenPressfield,inhisexcellent bookTheWarofArtdescribesResistance(hiswordforprocrastination)as:invisible internalinsidiousimplacableimpersonalinfallibleuniversal.Hesabsolutely
right.UnlikeBehavioralBasedProcrastination,whichisusuallycausedbyalackof informationortraining,FearBasedProcrastinationiscausedby,asitsnameimplies, fear.Fearisunfortunatelyamajorforceinmanypeopleslives:itsoftenarational,if notoptimal,responsetothedifficultiesandstressesoflifeandanambitiouspath. ThePurposeofFearBasedProcrastination FearBasedProcrastination(FBP)isnotarandombadhabit:ithasapurpose, whichistokeepyoustuckatyourcurrentlevelofachievementsothatyoudonthaveto facethefrighteningconsequencesofmakingprogressonyourgoal. *Ifyoureawriter,artist,orstudent,FBPhelpsensurethatyoueitherneverstart yourwork,orneverfinishit.This,inturn,helpsyouavoidhavingyourworkjudgedand possiblyrejected.Or,judgedandaccepted,whichmayfeelbetterthanrejectioninitially, butcanbringitsownproblemsandstresses,asIdiscussinChapter8. *Ifyoureanactivist,FBPhelpsensurethatyoueitherdontdoactivismordont doitwell.Forinstance,itcouldleadtoyourinteractingmainlywithpeoplewhoalready shareyourviewstheinfamousechochamberproblem.This,inturn,helpsyouavoid havingyourviewpoints,andpossiblyyourself,rejected.Or,ithelpsyouavoidhaving yourviewpointaccepted,inwhichcaseyouwillhaveanewsetofchallengesand responsibilities. *Ifyoureanentrepreneur,FBPhelpsensurethatyoueitherneverstartyour business,orthatyouspendyourtimedoingthewrongwork,ornowork.This,inturn, helpsyouavoidthescarytaskofsales,andconsequentriskofrejection.Or,FBPhelps youavoidthestressfulandscaryconsequencesofbusinesssuccess,includingaheavier workloadandmoreemployeestomanage. *Ifyouareinabadrelationship,FBPhelpsensurethatyouneverleaveit.This,in turn,helpsyouavoidtherisksofloneliness,economicdecline(ifyourpartnerishelping tosupportyourlifestyle),rejectionbypotentialnewlovers,orafutureworse relationship.Or,iftherelationshipissalvageable,FBPhelpsensurethatyoudonotgoto couplestherapyortakeotherpositivesteps,thushelpingyouavoidthevulnerabilityand risksinherentintrueintimacy. *Ifyourestuckinabadjob,FBPhelpsensurethatyoueitherneverlookfor anotherone,orlookineffectually.This,inturn,helpsyouavoidhavingtodoafullbore jobsearch(ahighlystressfulexperienceformostpeople),possiblerejection,orthe chancethatyoullwindupinanevenworsejob.Or,ithelpsyouavoidtheconsequences ofsuccess,includingfindingajobthatmightbebetterinmanyways,butthatalso involvesmoreresponsibilityandstress.
FearBasedProcrastinationsStealthyNature RememberallthosebumpswediscussedinChapter2personalcalls, newspapers,Websurfing,broodingaboutrelationshipsortheweather,etc.?Asyounow know,thosearenttheactualcauseofyourprocrastinationthecauseisfearbutthey aretheactivitiesweturntowhenweareafraid,andtheyservetodistractusfromboth thefear,andtheguiltyknowledgethatweareprocrastinating.Procrastinationhas,infact, anamazingabilitytodisguiseitself:thatisoneofitsmostpowerfulweapons.What couldbetheharmintalkingtoJanefortenmoreminutes,especiallyassheshaving sucharoughday?wetellourselves.Or:Wow,thelivingroomrugisreallyfilthy!Itwill onlytakeafewminutestovacuumit...Or:Oh,theresmyfavoriteactoronthatTVshow itcanthurttowatchforjustafewminutes.Or:Nopointinevengettingstartedbefore Ivehadmycoffee.Itallsoundssoplausiblewhichiswhyprocrastination,especially afterwevepracticeditforyearsordecades,gainssuchatoughholdonus. Atitsmostinsidious,procrastinationdisguisesitselfasaslewofproductive seeming,butnotactuallyproductive,behaviorsthatsuckupalotoftimeandgiveyou theillusionofprogress,butbringyounoclosertoachievingyourgoal.So,youspenda lotoftimedoingrelativelyunimportantbusyworkforyourbusiness,butdontactuallygo outanddothemostimportantactivityofall,sales.Or,youspendalotoftimereadingart magazinesandvisitinggalleries,butdontactuallypaint.Or,youkeepresearchingyour novelorthesistopic,butdontactuallygetaroundtowritingitoryoukeeprewriting thesamechapteroverandoveragain. Thiskindoffakeproductivityisoftenexacerbatedbyperfectionism,oneofthe fourmainhabitsofprocrastinationand,hence,oneofthefourmainobstaclesthat procrastinatorsmustovercometobeabletodotheirwork.(Theotherthreeare negativity,hypersensitivityandpanic.)Idiscusstheseobstaclesindepthinthisebook, startinginChapter15. Andletsnotforgetprocrastinationsothervaluabletool:itsabilitytothieve time.So,youspendthedayWebsurfing,textmessaging,listeningtomusic,playing videogames,andhangingoutwithfriendsor,alternatively,doinghousework,running errands,napping,andwatchingtelevisionandthen,allofasudden,itstenp.m.andyou haventdoneanyofyourimportantwork. AllofthisaddsuptothephenomenonPressfieldaptlydescribesasinvisible internalinsidiousimplacable...Itkeepsusstuckunhappily,forsure,butatleast safelyprotectedfromthepossibilityofevenmoreunhappiness. Itisclearthat,todefeatprocrastination,weneedtounderstandmoreaboutour
fearsandourresponsestothosefears.Thatswhythenextfewchaptersaredevotedto thetopicoffearanditstypicalcausesandmanifestations.
Chapter6. FearI.IntroductiontoFearandFearofChange
Ourbravestorganizers...plungedintodarknessnotbecauseitwasstylishorbecause theywereproudpossessorsofatheorythatassuredthemthattheyweredestinedtowin, butbecausetheydecidedtoovercomefear,period.ToddGitlin,LetterstoaYoung Activist Fear,initself,isnotabadthingitcanhelpkeepusoutoftrouble.Justasitwas inourremoteancestorsinteresttobescaredofterrainlikelytoharborpredators,itisin ourinteresttobescaredofcertainriskysituations. Theproblemiswhenourfearsareexcessive,irrationalorotherwisean impedimenttoourgrowthandsuccessor,whenwerespondtofearinasuboptimalway suchasprocrastinating.Fearisoneofthestrongestemotions:scientistsevenbelievethat thereisevenakindofearlywarningsystemintheamygdala(thepartofthebrainthat governsemotion)thatallowsustoexperiencefearbeforeweveconsciouslybecome awareofthethingweareafraidof.Itmakessense:ifaleopardisabouttoeatyou,itsa goodideatofeelfear,andreacttothatfear,asquicklyaspossible. Thisearlywarningsystemmaybethereasonfearissuchadifficultproblemto overcome,andwhyitcanbesodisabling.Itshardtodoanythingwhenyoureafraid otherthantotrytoescapethethingthatisfrighteningyou. Ifyouhavetriedrepeatedlyandwithoutsuccesstobreakyourprocrastination habit,thenthereisagoodchancethatfearliesattheheartofyourfailure.Furthermore, youareunlikelytomakemuchprogressunlessyoufirstdealwithyourfear.Thegood newsisthat,onceyoudothat,progresscanhappenveryquickly! Below,andinthenextfewchapters,weexaminethethreemostcommonfearsat theheartofprocrastination:fearofchange,fearoffailureandfearofsuccess. FearofChange Akeydifferencebetweensuccessfulandunsuccessfulpeopleisthatsuccessful peopleinitiateandcontrolmoreofthechangesintheirlives.Theydecidewherethey
wanttobetoday,thisweek,thismonth,nextyear,tenyearsfromnow,andthirtyyears fromnow,andtakeactionsdesignedtoachievethatresult.Unsuccessfulpeopletendto bemorepassive:theytakewhatlife,andotherpeople,handthem,andconsequently oftenleadunhappy,embitteredlives. Ofcourse,someonewhoisafraidofchangeisgoingtohaveahardertime initiatingandcontrollingit.Thatpersonmaybeasupercautiousorevenpessimistic, devilyouknowisbetterthanthedevilyoudont,dontfixitifitaintbroke,leave wellenoughalone,letsleepingdogsliekindofperson.Moreover,hemayhave perfectlygoodreasonsforthatmindset:peoplefromtroubledordeprivedbackgrounds, forinstance,oftenlearnthesekindsoflessons.Butitisnotamindsetlikelytoleadto successinanyambitiousendeavor. Asambitiousdreamers,wemustworkonourfearofchangeevenmorethanmost people.Thisisespeciallytrueofactivists,whosevocationisallaboutcreatingchange. QuotingGandhi,wemustbecomethechangewewanttosee.Confuciusagrees:To puttheworldinorder,wemustfirstputthenationinorder;toputthenationinorder,we mustputthefamilyinorder;toputthefamilyinorder,wemustcultivateourpersonal life;andtocultivateourpersonallife,wemustfirstsetourheartsright. Toachieveyourgoals,youmustovercomeyourfearofchange.
Chapter7. FearII.FearofFailure
Youhavetohavethecouragetofail.Russianpoliticalactivist,andformerworld chesschampion,GarryKasparov GarryKasparovisoneofmyheroes:aformerworldchesschampionwho,after retiring,wasnotcontenttorestonhislaurels,buthasdevotedhimselftofighting courageouslytorestoredemocracyinanincreasinglyauthoritarianRussia.Hedoesnot oftencometotheUnitedStates,soitwasatreatformetohearhimspeak,recently,ata churchinCambridge,MA.Theplacewaspackedwithmorethanathousandpeople half,itseemed,fromeasternEurope,andtheotherhalfnerdyguysclutchingchessbooks theywantedhimtoautograph.Hespokeonthedynamicsofsuccess,andthemainpoint hekeptcomingbacktowas:Youhavetohavethecouragetofail.Healsomentioned, Ihavewonhundredsofchessgames...andlostthousands. Iwenthomethinkingabouthowonedoesntbecomeworldchesschampion
withoutbeingsupercompetitiveandabsolutelyhatingtolose,andyetherewasKasparov talkingabouthisthousandsoflossese.g.,failuresandhowtheywereessentialtohis success. Ifsuchafailureaversemancanhavethecouragetofail,socanIandsocan you.Especiallyifyouunderstandwhatfailurereallyis. Ifanactionwetakebringsustheresultwedesired,oranevenbetterone,wecall itasuccess.Ifnot,wecallitafailure.Thetroublecomeswhenweoveridentifywith ourprojects,conflatingtheirsuccessorfailurewithourownashumanbeings. Unfortunately,manypeople,andespeciallymanyprocrastinators,dothisallthetime. So,whenourprojectssucceed,wedontjusttellourselves,Wow,Ididthatsowell! Wesay,Imfabulous,brilliant,queenoftheworld!Andwefrequentlydofeellike queenoftheworld,atleastforalittlewhile. Now,Idonthaveaproblemwiththat.Mostpeoplespendwaytoomuchtime criticizingthemselves,nottomentionbeingcriticizedbyothers,andcouldusesome extraselfpraise.Themore,themerrier,asfarasImconcerned:justkeepittoyourself sothatyoudontalienateothers. No,theproblemisntwhenourprojectssucceed;itswhentheyfail.Thenthe reversehappens,andwedontjusttellourselves,Bummer.IguessIllhavetodobetter nexttime,but,Imsuchaloser.HowcouldIpossiblythinkIcouldownabusiness? MyfolkswererightImjustlazyandstupid.Suchnegativethoughtsarecrippling,and inmanycaseswearesoterrifiedofthepossibilitythattheyarecorrectthatwereally arestupidlosersthatwedontevendaretoattemptourdream. AsStevenPressfieldputsitinTheWarofArt,Resistanceknowsthatthe amateurcomposerwillneverwritehissymphonybecauseheisoverlyinvestedinits successandoverterrifiedofitsfailure.Theamateurtakesitsoseriouslyitparalyzes him. Manyprocrastinators,infact,haveitevenworse:theyarecomfortabletaking creditfortheirfailures,butnottheirsuccesses.So,failureisduetothepersonsown limitationsorineptness,whilesuccessisduetoluckorthesupposedlytrivialnatureof thechallenge.(Iftheprocrastinatorsucceededatit,afterall,itmustbetrivial.)Canyou imagineamoredisablingattitude? Mostyoungchildrendonthavethisproblem.Achildwhosetowerofbuilding blocksfallsdownwillcry,Itfelldown!notIfailed!Ifanything,sheislikelyto blametheblocksthemselves,orsomeotherkidwhohappenedtowalktooclosetoher tower,whichiswhyherdisappointmentislikelytobeonlytemporaryandsheisableto returnhappilyandconfidentlytoblockbuildingthenextday. Atsomepoint,weallmustlearntotakeresponsibilityforourfailuresandlook
objectivelyatourpersonallimitations.Childrenraisedwithkindnessandinsightbecome resilientadultswhocandothiswithoutjudgingthemselvesharshly.Manyofus, however,werenottreatedsokindlybyparentsorothersand,asaresult,areunableto refrainfromharshselfcriticism.Thismakesusterrifiedofeventhepossibilityoffailure and,thus,unabletotakeappropriaterisks.Andsoweremainfrozen: *Wedontleaveabadjobinhopesoffindingabetterone. *Wedontleaveabadrelationshipinhopesoffindingabetterone. *Wedonttakeonambitiousprojects,ordontfinishtheprojectswetakeon. *Wedontmovetoanew,moreinterestingplace.
Inshort,weremainstuckinourruts. Givenprocrastinationsstealthynature,ofcourse,weusuallydonttellourselves wereinarut.Onthecontrary,weusuallytellourselvesthatwearetryingreally,really hardtoleavethejob,relationship,etc.Wejustdontdoaverygoodjobofit.
Chapter8. FearIII.FearofSuccess
Fearoffailureisanintuitiveconceptnoonelikestofail.Butwhataboutfearof success?Howcouldanyonebeafraidofsuccess? Considerthis:failure,atleast,usuallyhasthevirtueofleavingusinthesame placewherewestartedout.Success,incontrast,takesustosomeplacenewand unknown.Andthatisscary. Moreover,thenewplaceislikelytobebusier,trickier,moredifficult,more confusingandlesscomfortablethantheplaceweleftbehind: *Finishyourthesisandyouwillhavetoexperiencethejudgmentofyour committee,nottomentionthevagariesoftheacademicjobmarket. *Runasuccessfulactivistcampaignandyoullwindupwithmoreworktodo.As SaulAlinskywritesinRulesforRadicals,Intheworldasitis,thesolutionofeach probleminevitablycreatesanewone. *Getanewjobandyoullhavetomasterawholenewsetofrelationships, informationandskills. *Getanewrelationshipandyouputyourheartontheline. Successalsoalwayscomescoupledwithanewpossibilityoffailure.Theresno
guarantee,afterall,thatyoullprevailatyournewchallenges;andyoucouldfallflaton yourface. Successalsoputsyouinthelineoffire.Artistsandacademicsbothhaveto enduretheirworkbeingjudgedbyexpertsand,sometimes,thewidercommunity.Andan activistwhosucceedsatacampaignislikelytobecomeatargetfortheopposition. Finally,andperhapshardesttotake,isthatyoursuccessmaysparkresentment andevenhostilityfromfamilyandfriendswhodontsupportyourgoals,orwhoremain stuckintheirownruts.Dontunderestimatethis:rejectionby,andalienationfrom,loved onesisacommon,andoftenveryhurtful,consequenceofsuccess. Success,inotherwords,isstressful,andsometimesgreatlyso.Childrenraised withkindnessandinsightbecomeresilientadultswhocanmanagethisstress,butmany ofuswerenottreatedsokindlybyparentsorothers,andcannot.Andso,wedonteven attempttosucceed. Ifsuccessissoriskyandstressful,whyevenbothergoingforit?InOnBecoming aNovelist,JohnGardnersays:Nothingisharderthanbeingatruenovelist,unlessthatis allonewantstobe,inwhichcase,thoughbecomingatruenovelistishard,everything elseisharder.Sameforalltheothertypesofambitiousdreamers. Onamoreprosaiclevel,successusuallybringsmonetaryrewardsevenforthe activist,whomayfinallyhaveashotatgettingacovetedfulltimejobinhismovement. Thentherearethesocialandspiritualbenefitsofsuccess:oneofthebestsituations anyonecanfindthemselvesinisaspartofacommunityofsuccessfulambitious dreamers.So,whileyournewsuccessfullifemaybebusierandmorestressfulthanyour oldone,itwillalsobericher(ineverysense),moreinterestingandmorefulfilling.Your newfriendsandcolleagueswillnotonlysupportyouthroughthestressfultimes,but encourageyoualongtoevengreaterheightsofsuccessandhappiness.
Chapter9. NoSuchThingasPureFailureorSuccess
Afewyearsago,duringthehightechboomofthelate1990s,Istartedahightech businessintowhich,overthreeyears,IsankeverypennyIhadsaved.Thisrepresentedan enormousfinancialhitformyfamily.Butthebusinessnevertookoffand,lookingback,I canseethatitnevertookoffbecauseofmistakesthatImade. Wasthebusinessafailure? Atthetimeitcertainlyfeltthatway.WhenthemoneyranoutandIhadtotakea
job,Iwashugelydepressedandwhocouldblameme?Afterall,afewmonthsearlierI hadbeenvisualizingmyselfasatitanoftheneweconomy.Now,Iwasscrapingbyasa businesscoachatanonprofitagency. Butguesswhat:Idontseeitasafailureanymore. Firstofall,IlearnedavastamountfromthatbusinessfailuresomuchsothatI refertotheexperience,jokingly,asmyMBA. Second,thecoachingjobItookoutofdesperationturnedouttobeoneofthebest experiencesofmylife,anditchangedmylifeforthebetterinmanyways.Iturnedoutto bebetteratcoachingthanatmostoftheotherwaysIhadtriedtoearnaliving;Iwas helpingalotofpeople;andalsomystudentsandfellowcoachesturnedouttobesomeof themostamazingandinspirationalpeopleIveeverbeenprivilegedtoknow.Asaresult ofhelpingpeopleworkthroughtheirproblemsandblocksonadailybasis,Ifound myselfundergoingaperiodofrapidpersonalgrowthandlearning;andIwasevenable, inakindofextraordinarycoachsalchemy,totransformmybusinessfailure,along withpriorbusinesssuccesses,intousefulfodderformyclassesandcoaching,thus derivingrealandongoingvaluefromanexperiencethatatthetimeseemedlikepure failure. Ultimately,thechainofeventssetinplacebymybusinessfailureledtothe writingandpublicationofmyfirstbook,TheLifelongActivist,andmynew,wonderful andsustainablecoachingandspeakingbusiness. So,wasmybusinessafailure?Onlyinthenarrowestsense. StephenPressfieldtellsawonderfulstoryaboutfailureinTheWarofArt.After seventeenyearsoftryingtobreakintothemoviebusiness,hefinallywroteascreenplay thatgotproduced,foramoviecalledKingKongLives.(Ifyouhaventheardofit,you canprobablyguesstherestofthestory....)Wewerecertainitwasablockbuster,he writes;andheandhiscolleaguesarrangedforafancypartyafterthepremiere.Noone cametotheparty,however,andthenextdaythereviewswerescathing.Pressfieldwrites: Iwascrushed.HereIwas,fortytwoyearsold,divorced,childless,havinggivenupall normalhumanpursuitstochasethedreamofbeingawriter....Imaloser,aphony;my lifeisworthless,andsoamI.However,hewasquicklysetrightbyawisefriend,who said,Behappy.Yourewhereyouwantedtobe,arentyou?Soyouretakingafew blows.Thatsthepriceforbeinginthearenaandnotonthesidelines.Stopcomplaining andbegrateful. OnemoralofPressfieldsstory,andmyown,isthatthereisnosuchthingaspure successorpurefailure.Everyexperience,includingmybusinessandKingKongLives,is amixedbag.(NowyouknowwhyIfrequentlyputthewordsfailureandsuccessin quotesthroughoutthisebook.)Ofcourse,successisbetterthanfailure,butmost
successescontainsomeelementofcompromiseorfailure,andmostfailurescontainsome elementofsuccess,evenifthatelementmaynotbeimmediatelyapparent.Sotheline betweenthetwoisnotnearlyasclearasmanypeoplethink. NoRegrets Inmycoaching,Iregularlyrunintopeoplewhofeeladeepshameforsome,or many,oftheirpastactions.Sometimes,thesinishavingdroppedoutofcollege,while othertimesitishavingremainedinanabusiverelationship,spentonestwentiesdrunkor stoned,orcommittedacrime(orcrimes).Often,thesinissomethingmostonlookers wouldconsiderrelativelyminor,ornotevenasinatalllikemystudentwhohadtostop doingvolunteerworkatherchurchwhenherchildbecameill.(Believeitornot,shewas deeplyashamedofthis.)Manypeoplearefilledwithshameforthingstheydidback whentheywereteenagersorevenyounger,orforthingsthatotherpeopledidtothem. AndinmanycasesthatIsee,peoplesshameandregretarekeepingthem frozenandunabletomakeprogressontheirgoals. Shame,guilt,regretandremorsearetoxic,anduseless,emotions.Theonly properresponsetoyourmistakesistolearnfromthem,worktoensurethatyoudo notrepeatthem,makewhateveramendsyoucantopeopleyouhavehurt,andmove on.Anythingelseanyshame,guilt,regretorremorsewontaccomplishanything, andcan,infact,leadtoaperniciousformofprocrastination.Sure,Icouldchooseto dwellonthemanymistakesImadeinmybusiness,nottomentionallthemoneyIlost. Butwhatexactlywouldthataccomplish?(Anonrhetoricalquestion:thinkaboutit.) Oncetherelevantlessonsarelearned,andyouvemadeamendsasbestascan,itstime tomoveon. ****** Exercise:FindingtheSuccessinFailure Reexaminesomeofyourworst,mostshamefulfailuresandseeifyoucan locatethesuccesseshiddenwithin.Giveyourselfcreditforthosesuccesses:youearned themthehardway.Andstopdwellingoveryourfailures:youveprobablydonethat enough,already,tolastalifetime. ******
Chapter10. DontCompoundFearWithShame
Inmyexperience,manypeople,andespeciallymanymen,areashamedoftheir fears.Theyseethemasdisgracefulandasignofweakness. Idisagree.Ashumans,wearesubjecttodeath,disease,disappointment,loss, heartbreak,naturaldisasterandhumanmadedisaster,amongmanyotherafflictions.Fear is,inmyview,anentirelyreasonableresponsetothisreality. Thentherearethemanyhardships,risksandrejectionsoftheambitiouslife, whetheritinvolvesart,academics,activism,entrepreneurshiporsomeothergoal.These hardshipsandrisksgiveyouevenmorereasontobeafraid. Inotherwords,toparaphrasetheoldactivistquipaboutoutrage,Ifyourenot afraid,thenyouhaventbeenpayingattention. Sostopblamingyourselfforyourfearsandstartaskingyourselfthisquestion instead:HowshouldIrespondtomyfears? StevenPressfieldtellshowthelateactorHenryFondasufferedfromextreme stagefrightthroughouthislongcareer.Infact,hegotsonervousbeforeeverystage performanceandfilmshootthathethrewup.Thatsfortyyearsofthrowingup. Andaftereveryepisodeofthrowingup,heproceededtogivehisperformance. Thatshowtorespondtofear:notbylettingitparalyzeyou,andnotbywasting timeblamingyourselfforit,butbydoingyourworkandmakingprogresstowardyour goals. ****** Exercise:ExperiencingFearWithoutShame Taketwoorthreetasksyouhavebeenprocrastinatingonandforeachwritealist ofthenegativeconsequencesofaccomplishingit.If,forexample,youvebeen procrastinatingonvisitingadoctor,yourlistcouldinclude,Itwillcost$100,Shell givemeashot,andShemightdiscoversomethingseriouslywrong. Afterdoingthisexercise,twothingsmighthappen: *Youmightfindyourselfbecomingmoreunderstandingabout,andforgivingof, yourprocrastination.(NowonderIkeepputtingthisoff!)Thisisamuchbetter
responsethancriticizingorblamingyourself. *Bywritingdownthenegatives,youmaydefusethem,sothattheyseemless scary.Youmayevenfeelmotivatedtogoaheadanddothetask.Ifthatsthecase,gofor it!Butdontfeelbadifyoudontexperiencethatmotivation,orifitquicklygoesaway andyourebacktofeelingstuckagain. Whateveryoudo,donotputyourselfdownforhavingfearsandanxieties. Everyonehasthem,includinghighlysuccessfulpeoplewhooftenconsciouslyor unconsciouslydevelopskillsandstrategiesforcopingwiththem.Thatswhatyoull learntodoinfuturechaptersofthisbook. ******
Chapter11. FearCreatesObstaclestoSuccess
Asmentionedearlier,oneofFearBasedProcrastinationsfavoritetacticsisto disguiseitselfbymimickingproductivity.Itdoesthis,usually,bygeneratingoneoffour characteristicantiproductivebehaviors:perfectionism,negativity,hypersensitivityand panic.IcallthesetheBigFourObstacles,astheyareveryfrequentlythekeyroadblocks betweenprocrastinatorsandtheirgoals.Mostprocrastinatorsarepronetoatleastoneof them,andmanyarepronetoallfour,soIdiscussthematlengthstartinginChapter15. Panicmeritsaspecialmention.Itsnotreallyanobstacleinandofitself,butacts asanobstacleamplifier,blowingyourfearsoutofproportionandincreasingtheodds thatyouwillretreatintooneoftheantiproductivebehaviors.Thetaskofdefeating fearbasedprocrastinationisfundamentallythetaskofovercomingpanic,sothat whenyouexperienceaninstanceoffear,doubtordiscomfort,youdonotget overwhelmedbyitandgetbumpedoffyourpath. Therearealsotwoothercategoriesofobstaclesthatarenotinthemselvesfear based,butthatareoftenpresentalongsidetheBigFour: ThefirstareLogisticalObstacles,whichareusuallycausedbysimpleignorance. Forexample: *Lackofaclearlydefinedmissionand/orpathtosuccess *Lackoftimemanagement *Lackofpreparation,skills,resourcesand/orfacilities *Lackofmentorsorothersupport
Inotherwords,youeitherdontknowwhatyouresupposedtobedoing,orlack theskillsorresourcestodoit.Atypicalpersonsufferingfromalogisticalobstaclewould beabusinessownerwhodoesntrealizesheshouldbespendingatleasthalfhertime marketingandselling,andthusspendshertimeonlessimportanttasks.Anotherwould besomeonewritinghisPh.D.thesis,whotriestotacklethatgiantprojectontopofhis ordinaryschedule,insteadofruthlesslyclearinghisscheduletocreatethetimeand energyheneedstogetitdone. Commonsolutionstologisticalobstaclesinclude:doingmissionmanagementand timemanagement,organizingyouroffice,buyingsomenewequipment,takingaclass, andsettingupregularconsultationswithmentors. Onceyoucommittoovercomingalogisticalobstacle,itisoftennotdifficulttodo so.Ifyoudohavetroubleovercomingyoursifyouseemtolackthewillpowerto makethesolutionwork,orcantevenfindthetimetothinkabouttheproblemthenyou probablyalsosufferfromfearbasedprocrastination.(Thiswillbethecaseformost people.)Youllprobablyhavetodealwiththefearfirst,usingthetechniquesdescribed laterinthisebook,beforeyoucanmoveontothemoresuperficiallogisticalfix. TherearealsowhatIcallSituationalObstacles,whichinvolveotherpeopleor othercircumstancesoutsideyourfullcontrol.Atoughdayjob,heavyfamily responsibilities,andanunsupportivespousearesituationalobstacles.Soareadisability andserioushealthproblems. Situationalobstaclesareoftenthetoughesttoovercome.Theirsolutionsoften involvemajorlifechangessuchasswitchingjobs,leavingrelationships,altering lifestyles,compromisingononescherishedgoals,orcommittingtoindividualor couplestherapy.Likelogisticalobstacles,situationalobstaclesusuallyoccuralongside fearbasedprocrastination,andsoyoullfirsthavetodealatleastpartlywithyourfears beforeyoucaneffectivelystartchangingyoursituation.Butevenonceyouworkpastthe fear,youarestilllefthavingtodealwithsomeverytoughcircumstances.
Chapter12. TheMostImportantThingYouNeedtoKnowAboutYourObstacles
Themostimportantthingyouneedtoknowaboutyourobstaclesisthatallof themcanbeovercome. Itdoesntmatterwhoyouare,howyouwereraised,whatrace,religion, nationalityorsexyouare,orhowmuchmoneyyouhave.Allofyourobstaclescanbe
overcome. Overcominganobstaclemaynotbeeasy.Itmaynotbefun.Itmaytakemonths, yearsorevendecades.Itmaytaketimeandmoney.Butitcanbedone. Yourhabitsofperfectionism,negativity,hypersensitivityandpaniccanbe overcome. Yourlogisticalobstacleslackofpreparation,information,supportcanbe overcome. Yoursituationalobstaclesbadjob,badrelationships,disabilityorchronicillness canbeovercome,atleastinpart. Illsayitagain:ALLofyourobstaclescanbeovercome. Byovercome,Imeaneliminated,minimizedorcompensatedfor.Youmay haveadisabilitythatyoumustlivewith,orhaveexperiencedaterriblelossfromwhich thehurtwillneverentirelygoaway.Butyoucanstillworktoatleastminimizethe negativeeffectofyourmisfortuneonyourfuturesuccess.Oneofmyheroesinthis regardisChristopherReeve,thelateactorwhowasparalyzedfromtheneckdownina horsebackridingaccident.Suicidalimmediatelyaftertheaccident,andafterwardunable eventobreathewithoutthehelpofarespirator,heralliedtobecomeacelebratedactivist andauthorwhoprovidedhope,helpandinspirationtomillionsaroundtheglobe. True,Reevewasamoviestarwhohadcertainadvantages.So,letslookatVictor Frankl,anordinary,noncelebritydoctorwhowasimprisonedinAuschwitzandother concentrationcampsduringWorldWarII.Helaterwroteabestsellingbookabouthis experiences,MansSearchforMeaning,inwhichhereportedthat,eveninthe concentrationcamps,Itwaspossibleforspirituallifetodeepen....Theintensification ofinnerlifehelpedtheprisonerfindarefugefromtheemptiness,desolation,andspiritual povertyofhisexistence.Inoneincrediblescene,Frankldescribeshow,inthemidstofa terrifyingnighttimeforcedmarch,hecalledupthememoryofhiswife,whomhehadnt seeninyears,andhowhermemorybroughthimpeace. Iunderstoodhowamanwhohasnothingleftinthisworldstillmayknowbliss,beit onlyforabriefmoment,inthecontemplationofhisbeloved.Inapositionofutter desolation,whenmancannotexpresshimselfinpositiveaction,whenhisonly achievementmayconsistofenduringhissufferingsintherightwayanhonorablewayin suchapositionmancan,throughlovingcontemplationoftheimagehecarriesofhis beloved,achievefulfillment. (FrankllaterlearnedthathiswifehaddiedinBergenBelsenin1945.) Franklteachesusthat,eveninthemidstofthemosthorrificoppression,wecan
stillmaintainadegreeofcontroloverourthoughtsandmovetheminapositivedirection andthatdoingsocanincreaseouroddsnotjustforsuccess,butsurvivalitself. DidIsaythatallofyourobstaclescanbeovercome?WhatIreallymeanttosayis thatallofyourobstaclesmustbeovercome.Becausewhatotherchoice,really,doyou have?Failuretoovercomeyourobstaclesleadstoalifeofbitternessandwasted potential. Theprocessofovercomingyourobstaclesistheveryessenceofthehuman journey.Ifyouvebeenprocrastinatingalongtime,youareprobablydemoralizedand havelostsightofyourstrengths,talentsandvirtues.Onceyoustoprunningfromyour obstaclesandstartworkingtoovercomethem,youwillreclaimthosepositivequalities andalsoprobablydiscoversomewonderfulnewones.Thisprocessofreclamationand growthisoneoflifesmostawesomeandjoyfulexperiences. Remember:allofyourobstaclesmustbeovercome.
Chapter13. NonObstacles
Often,mystudentsraisepointssuchasthebelowtoexplaintheirfailureto pursue,ormakeprogresson,theirambitiousdream: *Idonthaveenoughmoney. *Idonthavetime. *Idonthavetransportation/aspareroominmyhome/acomputer/etc. Nothavingsomethingyouneedtosucceed,suchasmoney,timeor transportation,isnotanobstacle:itsasolvableproblem. Sostartsolvingit. Whenpressed,mystudentwithoutmoneycancomeupwithaplanforlowering herdailylivingexpenses,leavinghermoremoneywithwhichtopursueherdream.With hermentorshelp,shecanalsothinkupwaysshecanachieveherdreammorecheaply.If shewantstostartabusiness,forexample,shecansetupahomeofficeinsteadofrenting anoutsideone,andfurnishitwithused,cheapfurnitureinsteadofnew.Ifsheneeds equipmentorsuppliesshecantafford,shecanarrangeabarter,ortakeoutalowinterest businessloan. Loweringyourlivingexpensesisalwaysagoodidea,asitnotonlyleavesyou withmoremoneybutoftencreatesmoretime.Itcould,forinstance,allowyoutosupport yourselfonaparttimedayjobthatsthepathmanyambitiousdreamerstakewhentheir
dreamcantfinanciallysustainthem.Evenworkingfourdaysaweek,versusfive,can makeabigdifference!Or,ifyoumusthaveafulltimejob,loweringyourexpensescould permityoutotakealowerpaying,buteasier,one(say,onewithflextime,ashort commute,andalighterworkload),insteadofahigherpayingbutharderonethatsaps yourtimeandenergy. Howaboutmystudentwithouttime?Hecanusetimemanagementtechniques (seeTheLifelongActivist)toseeifhecanreclaimevenafewhoursofhisweekly schedule.(Mostpeoplecan,bytheway.)Andhecancomeupwithaplanforbreaking hisbigprojectdownintosmallerpiecesthathisschedulecanmoreeasilyaccommodate. Andmystudentwithouttransportation?Whenpressed,sherecallsthatthereis publictransportationthatcancoverherroute,afriendwhocanlendheracar,orthatshe cantaketheoccasionaltaxiwithoutbreakingthebank. Twothingstonote,fromtheseexamples: 1)Thesolutionstotheproblemswereactuallyquitesimpleandeven,in hindsight,obvious.Solutionsusuallyare,onceyoustopditheringandactuallystart lookingforthem.(SeeChapter22.)Remember:focusonthesolution,nottheproblem. 2)Manyofthesolutionsare,asmytechnicalfriendssay,suboptimal.Few peoplelikehavingtocutbackontheirbudgets,getusedinsteadofnewfurniture,or committoalong,dailybusride.Butwhatsthealternative?Youcansitaroundhoping thatyoullwinthelotteryorthatthingswillotherwisemagicallychange,buthope,as theysay,isnotastrategy.Theabovecompromisesandsacrificesare,infact,highly characteristicofthosethatambitiouspeoplemaketoachievetheirgoals.Allaroundyou, peoplearemakingthem,andwithoutthatmuchofafuss,inthehopesofonedaylivinga happierandmorefulfilledlife.Akeydifferencebetweensuccessfulandunsuccessful peopleisthattheformeroftenviewbarrierstosuccessaspettyinconveniencesor excitingchallenges,whilethelatteroftenviewthosesamebarriersashugeand insurmountable. Howyouviewyourownbarrierswillgoalongwaytowarddetermininghow successfulyouwillbe.Itsglib,buttrue:yourattitudereallydoesdetermineyour altitude.
Chapter14. BewareofMythsthatPromoteandExcuseFailure
Anothersetofbarriersthatambitiousdreamersfacearethemanycondescending
andunderminingmythsthatpromoteandexcusetheirdysfunctionandunhappiness. Artists,forinstance,frequentlyhearmessagessuchasthese,bothfromtheirenemies andsupporters: Onemustsuffertobeagreatartist:ifyourehappy,youmustbeashallowor uncommittedperson. Povertyisasignofvirtueandcommitmenttoonesart:earningmoneyisselling out.And, Artisokaywhenyoureyoung,butwhenareyougoingtogetarealjob? Activistshearsimilarlydestructivemessages: Youcanthaveapersonallifetherestoomuchworktobedone. Ifyourehappy,youmustbeashallow,uncommittedperson.Howyoucanbe happywithsomuchsufferingintheworld? Povertyisasignofvirtueandcommitmenttoonescause:earningmoneyis sellingout.And, Activistsarenavedreamers.Activismissomethingyougrowoutof. Entrepreneurshaveitsomewhateasier,sinceoursocietyatleastpretendsto celebrateentrepreneurship.Whatittypicallycelebrates,however,isashallow,idealized, glamorizedvisionofitthathaslittletodowithreality.Often,themediaplayuptheeasy orspectacularovernightsuccessesorragstorichesstoriesthatarefarfromthenorm. Themediaalsotendstodownplaystrugglesorfailuresexceptwhenthosecanbeusedto provideglamorouscontrasttoaspectacularsuccess,andtodeemphasizetheroleofluck inbusinesssuccess.(MoreonallofthisinChapter20.) Academicstypicallydontsufferfromthesamesortsofdamagingmythsas artists,activistsandentrepreneurs,inmyexperience,althoughtheydosufferfroma generaldisdainforacademicachievementinthiscountry.Itcanbehardtoperseverein thefaceofsuchdisdain,particularlywhenmembersofyourfamilyshareit.Beyondthat, manyacademicssufferfrominadequatementoring,especiallyduringthethesiswriting process. Finally,aproblemthatafflictsallcategoriesofambitiousdreamersisour societyspromotionofthemythofthesolitary,usuallyemotionallytortured, achiever/creator.Thatcanreinforceanunhealthyandantiproductivetendencytoward isolation,atopicIatdiscussatlengthinChapter18. Ifyoubelieveinoneormoreoftheabovemyths,yourbeliefisprobablystanding
inthewayofbothyourprofessionalsuccessandyourabilitytoleadahappylife.Try writingoutyourthoughtsandfeelingsaroundthemyth:youwillprobablydiscoverthatit doesntsurvivethelightofclosescrutinyandobjective,dispassionateanalysis.Also,see Chapter22formoreonhowthesekindsofdistortionscanfosteraprocrastination problem. Wevenowfinishedourdiscussionofthegeneralroleoffearplaysin procrastination.Nowletsdelvemoredeeplyintofearsmostcommonmanifestations, theBigFourobstaclesofPerfectionism,Negativity,HypersensitivityandPanic. Welltacklethemoneatatime.
Chapter15. Perfectionism
Perfectionismisthefeelingthatthethingswedoorcreateareneverquitegood enough.Perfectionistsholdthemselvestoanunreasonablyhighstandardforsuccess,and then,whentheyperceivethemselvesasfailingtomeetthatstandard,judgethemselves harshly.Theyalsoofteninflictthatsamebehavioronothers,holdingthemtoan unreasonablyhighstandardandjudgingthemharshlywhentheyfail. Morespecifically,perfectionists: *Refusetoacknowledgetheincrementalnatureofcreation:thatithappensin stagesandthattheearlystagesarelikelytoberoughandunsatisfying.Infact,theythink theirearlyeffortsshouldbefabulous.Theyoftendontthinkthisconsciouslyitsa viewpoint,afterall,thatdoesntmakesensebutunconsciouslyorsemiconsciously, theyarethinking,Thefirstdraftofthispaperoughttobefantastic. *Underestimatethedifficultyoftheirprojects,e.g.,Illjusthangupafewfliers, andthatshouldfilltheroomformyevent. *Setridiculouslyhighorimpossiblegoals,e.g.,Imgoingtowritefiftypagesof mythesisthisweekenddespitethefactthattheyveneverwrittenmorethaneightpages inaday,andalsohavenumerousotherobligations. *Tendtoseethingsinblackandwhite:totalsuccessortotalfailure.Theydont understandthatdoinghalfofajoborevenonetenthiswaybetterthandoingnothing. Afterall,ifyoudojustatinybitofajobeveryday,youwilleventuallyfinishit.Butif youdononeofajobeveryday,youneverwill.Emotionally,ifnotintellectually, procrastinatorsdontgetthedifference.
Perfectionists,aboveall,seeworkasakindofepicstruggle.Theydontquite trustsuccesswhenitcomestooeasily.Becauseofthat,theyoftendothingsthatmake theirworkharder,suchaschoosingunreasonablyhardprojects(meaning,projectsthey aretooinexperiencedtohandle,orthattheydonthavethetime,resourcesorsupportto completeeffectively);framingtheirprojectsinmonumentalterms;andadding unnecessarytaskstoprojects. Perfectionismisthevoiceinyourheadthatsaysthatnomatterwhatyouvedone, itsnotenough,ornotgoodenough.Itsthevoicethatmakesunreasonabledemandsfor productivity,anddismissesyourreasonableexplanationsfornothavingproducedmore. Whenyoutellperfectionism,forinstance,thatyoucouldntdoyourarttodaybecause youworkedatyourdayjoballdayandcamehomeexhausted,perfectionismremindsyou ofsomeexceptionalachieverwhowasinexactlyyoursituationoraworseoneand stillmanagedtocreateawardwinningart.Ofcourse,perfectionismconvenientlytendsto omitkeydetails,suchasthatthatachievermayhaveheldaneasierjobthanyoudo,or hadfewerpersonalresponsibilities,orshirkedwhateverresponsibilitiesshedidhave. Perfectionismisshaming,blamingandguiltinducing.Itis,accordingtowriter AnneLamont,thevoiceoftheoppressor,anditcorrelatesstronglywithwhatIcallthe MeanMommy/MeanDaddyvoice,whichIdiscussatlengthinChapter20. Listeningtothatvoiceisalwaysamistake. TheSolution Defeatingperfectionismisafourstepprocess:(1)choosingtherightproject;(2) choosingtherightgoal;(3)choosingtherightprocess;and(4)choosingtheright thoughts. Choosingtherightprojectmeanschoosingtheeasiestandshortestproject, especiallyifyouredoingsomethingforthefirsttime.Youdothis,first,tocounteract yourprocrastinatorstendencytomakeprojectsharder,andsecond,sothatyouhavethe bestpossiblechanceofactuallybeatingyourprocrastinationproblemandfinishing.Itsa loteasiertofinishaslendernovelorthesisthanagianttome,forinstance,andonce youvecompletedyoursmallwork,youcanthengoontotacklelargerones,ifyouwish. Butifyoubeginwithagiantproject,youmayneverfinishit,andyourcareermightbe overbeforeitbegins. Dittoforbusiness,activismoranyotherambitiousendeavor:choosesmall,easy projectsuntilyoufeelmoreincontrolofyourprocrastinationproblem.Easywillvary dependingonyourparticularcircumstances,ofcourse,andyoushouldalwaysconsult withyourmentorstomakesureyourechoosingwisely.
Ifyouchooseaproperlysmallproject,therewilllikelybeasmallvoiceinyour headtellingyouthatitstoosmallandtrivial;thatyoushouldbemoreambitious,less cowardly,etc.Thatsthevoiceofperfectionism,a.k.a.theoppressor,a.k.a.theMean Mommy/Daddy.Whatthatvoicewonttellyouisthat:(a)youhavetowalkbeforeyou run(i.e.,completeasmallprojectbeforeattemptingalargerone);and(b)evenasmall novel,thesis,business,galleryshow,performance,activistcampaign,etc.,isplentybig enoughproject. Soignoretheperfectionistvoiceandstickwiththesmallproject. Then,youneedtochoosetherightgoal,whichshouldbe,simply,tofinish. Nottowriteafabulousbook,achieveaspectacularresultfromyourcampaign,ormakea milliondollarsfromyourbusiness.No:yourgoalshouldsimplybetogetdonewhatever itisthatyouaretryingtodo.Dontworryaboutquality:justdoyourbestandthequality, whichisanengrainedpartofyourpsyche,willbethere.Andveryimportantlydont aimforaperfectresult:justrelaxaroundtheinevitabilitythatyourwork,likeallhuman endeavors,willcontainbothstrengthsandweaknesses.(Foramoreindepthdiscussion ofthispointspecifictowriting,downloadmyessayHowtoFinishYourBookfrom http://www.hillaryrettig.com.) Choosingtherightprocessmeansbreakingyouralreadysmallprojectdowninto evensmallerpiecesthatyoucaneasilyhandle.Italsomeansgettingloadsofsupport fromfamily,friends,mentors,colleaguesandothers,includingnotjustsupportwiththe projectitself,butemotionalsupport,andalsohelpwithchildcareandchoresyouwould normallyberesponsiblefor,butthatuseuptimeandenergyyouneedtocompleteyour project.Supportalsomeansdonationsofspace,equipment,servicesorsuppliesyour projectrequires. Supportmeans,inotherwords,asmuchhelp,ofallkinds,aspossible.Most perfectionistsdontrealizetheintenselevelofsupportneededtosucceedatmost ambitiousendeavors,inpartbecauseofthoseaforementionedmythsofeasysuccess,but alsoinpartbecauseoftheperfectionisttendencynottolookforsolutionsbuttosimplyto blameoneself.Butthemoresupport,thebetter. Finally,wecometochoosingtherightthoughts.Perfectionism,yourecall,isa antiproductiveresponsetofear,soitisimportantthatyoulearntoreplaceyour perfectionistthoughtswithmorefunctionalones.Herearethreeexamples: Replacethisperfectionistthought:Imgoingtoget50pagesofmynoveldone thisweekend.[Unspokenthought:IfIdontaccomplishthat,Imlazyandaloser.] Withthismorefunctionalone:Givenmywritingspeedandalsomyother commitments,Imgoingtoaimtogettenpagesdonethisweekend. Replacethisperfectionistthought:Illjustsendoutafewpostcardsaboutmy
upcomingmusicperformanceandthatshouldbeenoughtofilltheroom.IllbetIsell30 CDs![Unspokenthought:IfIdontaccomplishthat,Imaloser,andthepeopleinthis townarestupidandantimusic.] Withthismorefunctionalone:Illsendoutpostcardsandemailannouncements tomymailinglistof500people.Also,IllasktheclubImplayingattosendan announcementtotheirlistaswell.Theytoldmetheyvegot800peopleontheirlist,so alltoldthats1,300peoplewellbecontacting.InthepastIvegotten23peopleoutof every100emailsIsendouttocometoperformances,soforthose1,300announcementsI shouldexpectabout2639people.AndIusuallysell1CDper13people,soIshould countonsellingthreeorfourCDs. Replacethisperfectionistthought:Whyismyhousesuchanawfulmess?I knowmyfamilythinksandIthinkthatImlazyanddisorganized.Andmymom lookedatmelikeshethoughtIwasabadmomwhenItoldherthatwegettakeoutthree nightsaweek.[Unspokenthought:Imabadhomemakerandparent.] Withthismorefunctionalone:Well,thereareonly24hoursinaday,andIm notwillingtospendmorethanacoupleofthemcleaningandcooking.Itscrazyto expectsomeonewithkids,ajobandagrowingbusinesstohaveahousethatsascleanas thehouseofsomeonewhodoesnthaveajoborbusiness!Myhouseiscleanenough, andanyonewhothinksotherwiseiswelcometocomeoverandcleanitthemselves! Youchangeyourthoughtssimplybyconsciouslyinterruptingyourperfectionist thoughts,andreplacingthemwiththeirmorefunctionalequivalent.Atfirst,thismay seemcontrivedandyoumayfrequentlyforgettodoitbutkeeptryingandeventually youllseethatreplacingperfectionistwithnonperfectionistthoughtsfeelsgoodand doesnthurtanyone. Youcangetstarteddoingthisrightnow.Dontsetyourselftheperfectionistgoal catchingeverysingleperfectionistthought(!),anddontberateyourselfharshlywhen youmissoneorotherwiseslipup.Juststartoutcasuallybykeepingthatgoalintheback ofyourmindandwheneveryoudohappentosuccessfullyreplaceaperfectionistthought withafunctionalone,congratulateyourself.Soon,thereplacementswillhappensooften, andsoautomatically,thatyouwontevennoticethem.And,eventually,yourthoughts willbecomelessperfectionist,sothatyouwonthavetodomuchreplacingatall.
Chapter16. Negativity
****** Exercise:NameYourStrengths Beforereadingthischapter,takeafewminutesanddothispreliminaryexercise: Onasheetofpaper,listthestrengths,skills,talentsandotherpositivequalitiesyoubring toyourproject.Thesecouldbeanythingfromthemundaneseeming,butvastly underrated,Impunctual,tothepragmatic,Imgoodwithcomputers,tothemore global,Imasocialvisionary,oranythinginbetween.Dontbeshyormodest:come upwithaslongalistasyoucan.Youneedntshowittoanyone.Keepthelistnearyou whilereadingthischapter;Illbediscussingitsoon. ****** Rememberthemusicianfromthepreviouschapterwhooveroptimistically thoughtshecouldfilltheroomforherperformanceatalocalclubsimplybysending outafewpostcards?Letssayshefollowedthatplan,withpredictableresults:onlya handfulofpeopleshoweduptohearherplay. Therearetwobasicwaysonecanreacttothiskindofdisappointingsituation. Hereisone: Whatadisaster.Imsuchadope,acompleteloser.Ialwaysscrewup.Idont evenknowwhyIbothertotry.Andthistownitsfullofjerks.Theyretoo dumbtoappreciaterealmusic,andtheyrecheap,tooIonlysoldtwoCDs.And theclubmanagermustthinkImajerk,too.Imsurehellneverletmeperform thereagain.Ifeellikecrap.Ijustcantstandit.Imgoingtogetaquartofice creamandrentabadmovieandcrawlintobed. Andherestheother: Darn!Thisissodisappointing.IguessIscrewedupbynotpromotingthegig more.Oh,well:Imkindofembarrassedinfrontofmyfriendswhodidshowup, andalsotheclubmanager,butnoonesreallybeenhurt.Themanagerseemedto likemymusic,somaybeifIpromisetodoalotmorepromotionnexttime,hell letmeperformagain.Inanycase,nomatterwheremynextgigis,InowknowI needtopromotetheheckoutofit.Soitwasntatotalloss...Oh,andIdidsella coupleofCDs,andIalsometthatreallycoolguitaristfromthenexttown over...hesaidheknewsomethemanagersatsomeotherclubs,andcouldrefer
me.Sothatwasaterrificbreak!Anyhow,ImstillfeelingkindoflowsoIm goingtotakeabreakandhavefun.Iknow!IllcallmyfriendDebandseeifshe wantstohangout. Formanyprocrastinators,thefirstmonologuewillseemmuchmorefamiliarthan thesecond,becausemanyprocrastinatorsarenegativistswhotendtoseethemselves, theiraccomplishments,andeveryoneandeverythingaroundthemaslessgood,ormuch worse,thantheyactuallyare: *Wheretheobjectivepersonseessuccess,thenegativistseesneutrality. *Wheretheobjectivepersonseesneutrality,thenegativistseesfailure. *Wheretheobjectivepersonseesfailure,thenegativistseesextremefailure. Negativityisaseriousproblemforanyone,butparticularlyforambitious dreamers,forthreereasons: First,itisundermining.Thenatureofambitiousdreamsarethattheyaretoughto achieveandthusrequirealotofperseverance.Anythingthatdiscouragesyouisa problemandnegativityishugelydiscouraging. Second,negativityimpairsyourobjectivityandcausesyoutomisreadpeopleand situations.Therefore,youareboundtomakeerroneousassumptionsforinstance,that theclubmanagerwillneverletyouperformagainthatleadtocounterproductive actions.Negativity,inotherwords,frequentlybecomesaselffulfillingprophecy. Thirdly,negativityisisolating.Negativistsoftenbelievetheyarebeingrealisticor pragmatic,butpeoplewithahealthyworldviewrecognizenegativityforwhatitisa signofinsecurityandadisablingforceandfleefromit.Whenthathappens,itoften deepensthenegativistsinsecuritiesandreinforceshertendencytowardnegativityand isolation,sothattheproblemcompoundsitself.Noticehowthenegativepersoninour exampleretreatstoherbedwithaquartoficecream,whilethemoreobjectiveperson seeksoutthesupportofafriend? Allambitiousdreamerscanbeafflictedbynegativism,buttheriskisprobably highestforactivists,sincetheyhavetodobattlenotjustwiththeirowndarkside,butthe worlds.FamedactivistToddGitlinwarnsagainstthistendencyinhisbookLetterstoa YoungActivist:Justbecauseyouletthedarksideoftheworldintoyournervoussystem doesntmeanthatyouhavetosurrendertogloom,whichinanycaseisneverasjustified asitthinks.Iveactuallyhearddiscussions,amongactivists,onwhetheritisever appropriatetosaywevewononaparticularissueorevent,giventhatallvictoriesare temporaryorpartial.Comeon!Ifyoucantclaimyourvictories,thenwhatareyou
workingfor?Andhowdoyouhopetoinspireothers?Dosportsteamsnotcelebratetheir victoriesbecausetheyknowtheycouldhavewonbyawidermargin,orcouldlosethe nextgame?Ofcoursenot!Theyknowthatowningonessuccessesiscrucial.And,of course,manyofthesameactivistswhoaresoreluctanttodeclarevictoryseemtohave noproblematalldeclaringdefeat,soitsclearthattheyrenotbeingobjectivesomuch asnegative. Whichbringsustothenextsection... TheOppositeofNegativityisNOTDelusionalPositiveness PleasenotethatIamnottalkingaboutadoptingadelusionallypositive, Pollyannaisheverythingsjustpeachyattitude.Imalsonottalkingaboutdisabling yourcriticalfacultiesorsettinglowexpectationsforyourself.Imtalkingaboutbeing anobjectiveobserverandevaluatorofboththenegativeandpositiveelementsof yourselfandyourwork,aswellasthosearoundyou,theirwork,andsocietyin general.Manynegativepeoplehavetroublegraspingthedistinctionbetweenobjectivity anddelusionalpositiveness:whenItellthemtobemoreobjective,theythinkImtelling themtoignoreallthebadstuff.Doyouexpectmetowalkaroundlikeagigglingidiot? theyask.DoyouwantmetoLIEtomyself?Certainlynot!Butitisnotobjectiveor honesttofocusonjustthenegativeelementsofasituation.Thisdistinctionseemspretty obvious,butifapersonhasaseriousnegativityproblem,Ioftenhavetoworkwiththem forawhiletogetthemtoseeit.WetypicallydoanAbbotandCostellotyperoutinethat goessomethinglikethis: Student:Youreaskingmetoignoreallthebadstuff. Hillary:No,ImaskingyoutopayattentiontothebadstuffANDthegood stuff. S(agitatedly):ButifIgotooeasyonmyself[ormyemployees,ormykids], nothingwillgetdone! H:Imnotsayingtogoeasy.Imsayingtopayattentiontoboththebadstuff andthegoodstuff,notjustthebad. S:Butpeopleneedtobeheldaccountable! H:Imnottalkingaboutnotholdingpeopleaccountable.Imtalkingabout owningthegoodstuffalongwiththebad. Andonandon... Eventually,mostpeoplegetit.
TheNegativistsViewofSelf Negativiststendtobeharshestonthemselves. Asacoach,Igettowitnessthisphenomenonatcloserangeanditneverceasesto amazeme.Themosttalentedandimpressivepeopleoftenseethemselvesasfailures,and dragaheavyburdenofshamealongwiththemwherevertheygo.Manyofmystudents putthemselvesdowninbigandsmallwaysasamatterofcourse.Theirconversationsare pepperedwithexpressionsthatundervaluetheirachievements,suchas,Itsnotsucha bigdeal,or,Ididntreallydothatmuch,orAnyonecouldhavedonethat.Eventhe ubiquitous,Icantdomath,usuallyturnsouttobewrong,andisthereforeanexample ofnegativity. Somestudentsaresodivorcedfromtheirstrengths,skills,talentsand accomplishmentsthatIhavetoconducttheequivalentofanarchaeologicaldigtohelp thembuildaresumeorbiographicalsketchreflectingtheirtrueskillsand accomplishments.Wellsitforhoursfacingeachotheracrossadesk,withme interviewingthemontheirpastexperiencesandwritingupalltheirpositivesmanyof whichtheydonteveninitiallyrecognizeassuch.Often,whenwearedone,theyare surprisedtoseehowmuchtheyhavereallyaccomplished. Atrulyadeptnegativistcaneventurnevenastellaraccomplishmentintoafailure. Oneday,IaskedastudentwhohadanMBAwhatschoolhehadgottenitfrom,andhe repliedNorthwesternUniversitysKelloggSchoolofManagement.Thatsatopschool, soIcongratulatedhim.Hisselfdeprecating,negativistresponseamazedme:Oh,its onlythethirdorfourthbestschool. HowbiganegativistareYOU?LookattheNameYourStrengthslistyoucreated beforestartingthischapter.(Ifyoudidntcreateit,stopandcreateitnow,beforeyou readon.) Ifyoulistedtwentytothirtystrengths,skills,talents,andotherpositivequalities, youdidprettywell. Ifyoulistedtentotwentystrengths,skillsandtalents,youdidOK. Ifyoulistedfivetotenstrengths,skillsandtalents,youdidaverage.WhenIdo thisexerciseinclasses,moststudentsrespondwithinthisrange. Ifyoulistedzerotofivestrengths,skillsandtalents,youdidpoorly,butyouve gotlotsofcompany.Therearealwaysafewpeopleineveryclasswhocanthinkoffew ornogoodthingstosayaboutthemselves.Computergeeks,engineers,scientistsand othertechnicaltypesseemtodisproportionatelyfallintothisgroup,bytheway.Ithink thatsduetothefactthattechnicalpeopleareoftentrainedtofocusontheflawsintheir projectssothattheycanthenfixthem.Thatflawfindingtendencycomesinhandywhen
youredesigningacomputerprogramorabridge,butislessusefulinthepersonalor interpersonalrealm. MyownNameYourStrengthslist,whichIkeeponmycomputerandregularly printout,reviewandaddto,currentlyincludesmorethaneightyitems.Thatisnot becauseImsomekindofprodigyoregomaniac,butsimplybecauseIworkhardto recognizeallmytalentsandstrengths,andamnotembarrassedtoadmitthemtomyself.I sometimessharemylistwithmystudents,who,bytheway,arefrequentlyamusedto findhumilitylistedamongthedozensofotherpaeanstomyself.Theyalsoseeentries suchaslovesanimalsandnotaslavetofashionalongwiththemorestandardfare suchassmartandgoodwithcomputers.Wetypicallydefinesuccesstoonarrowly, forreasonsIwillexplaininthenextchapter,andthatoftenleadsustoignoresomeofour moreinterestingandusefulqualities.Butwhynotincludethem?Whoknowswhenthey wontcomeinhandy?ThefactthatIloveanimalsseemedirrelevantforyears,for instance,untilIstarteddoinganimalactivism. Makenomistake:NameYourStrengthsisanimportantexercise.Ifyoudonot recognizeandownyourstrengths,skillsandtalents,howcanyouusethemtobuildyour success?Andifyougoaroundfeelingdevoidofthosequalities,howareyougoingto havetheconfidencetofollowthroughonanambitiousplan? Gobacknowandseewhatyoucanaddtoyourlist.Then,talktofamily,friends andmentorsandseewhattheywouldaddtoit.Youwillprobablybeamazedatallthe goodtraitsothersseeinyouthatyouneversuspected. Onceyouvecreatedthelist,keepithandy,reviewandaddtoitfrequently,and (privately)celebrateyourstrengths.Thatsmalleffortwillgoalongwaytowardhelping yousucceed. ****** Exercise:CreateYourLifeResume ReinforceyoursenseofyourowntalentsandaccomplishmentsbycreatingaLife Resume.Itresemblesanormal,professionalresume,butalsoincludesexperiencesand accomplishmentsfrombeyondyourworklifeforexample,fromyourfamilylife,home life,friendships,art,activism,volunteerorcivicactivities,mentalorphysicalhealth,or anyotherareathatisimportanttoyou. Needlesstosay,donotwritedownanyofyourperceivedfailures,flawsand weaknesses.Youwouldntdothatonanormalresume,sowhywouldyoudoithere? InaLifeResume,noneofyourachievementsisdevaluedorunworthyofnote.If
youve... *createdapleasantandwelcominghome *beenawonderfulfriend/partner/parent/child/guardian *enjoyedapassionatehobbysuchascookingorgardening *developedadistinctivepersonalstyle *madeterrificartormusic *workedhardtorecoverfromchildhoodtraumasand/orreconcilewithaparentor someoneelse,or *helpedaneedyneighbororstranger... ...youshouldincludeit. Also,aprojectdoesnthavetobefinishedorperfecttobeincluded.For example,ifyouhaventyetfullyreconciledwithyourparent,yourattemptsat reconciliationarestillworthhonoringandshouldbelisted. ALifeResumeusuallyturnsouttobeamuchbiggerprojectthanweanticipate becauseweveusuallyaccomplishedmorethanwerealize.Takeyourtimeandhavefun creatingyourLifeResume,andwhenyourefinished,baskintheknowledgeofyour manystrengths,skills,talentsandaccomplishments! ******
Chapter17. NegativityII
Herearesomeoftherootcausesofnegativity: Donttootyourownhorn.Inmanycultures,bothhereintheU.S.andabroad, peopleareencouragedtodisplaywhatIconsideranexcessivesenseofmodestyover theiraccomplishments.Theyappeartohaveahorrorofboastingorblowingonesown horn. Iwouldntwantanyonetoberudelyboastful,buttheresabigmiddleground betweenthatandtakingpropercreditforyourachievements,andyouregoingtohaveto finditifyouhopetoachieveyourambitiousdream.Ifyourenotafflictedbynegativity, forinstance,buttrulyjustworriedaboutoffendingotherpeople,thenyoushouldhaveno troublewritingdozensofentriesintheNameYourStrengthsexercise,becauseImnot askingyoutoshoutthoseentriesfromtherooftops,onlycommitthemtopaper.
Itstruethatthelinebetweenbeingproperlyproudandbeingboastfulcanbe elusive.Tofindit,seekoutsuccessfulpeopleandstudyhowtheybehave.Youwill probablyseethattheyarenotrudeorboastful,butneitheraretheyselfeffacingorfalsely modest.Theydisplayproperobjectivityabout,andpridein,theirstrengthsand achievementsandalthoughthedegreeandmeansofdisplaymaydiffersomewhatfrom culturetoculture,thisisgenerallytrueofsuccessfulpeopleinanyculture. Afterwitnessinghowanexaggeratedsenseofhumilityhobblessomepeople,I consideritaveryfortunatethingthatIgrewupabletotakecreditformystrengthsand achievements.IwasbornandraisedinNewYorkCity,soyoucandrawyourown conclusions.... Youreonlyassuccessfulasyourbankaccount.Thecapitalistsystem promotesaverynarrow,andverydysfunctional,viewofsuccess:namely,thatifyouve gotalotofmoney,youreasuccess,andifyoudont,youreafailure.Capitalismdoesnt carewhatethicallapses,ifany,someonemayhavecommittedtomaketheirfortune;nor doesitmakeanyallowancesforinequitiesormisfortunesthatmayhavelimited someonesabilitytoearnmoney.Nordoesacapitalisticsystemcareaboutyournon commercialachievementsforexample,thefactthatyoutakegoodcareofyouraged parents,ordoalotofimportantvolunteerworkwithinyourcommunity. Youprobablyseetheevilbehindthatnarrowdefinition.However,itsonething togetapointintellectually,andanothertoembraceitonanemotionallevel.Many peoplewhounderstandthelimitationsofthecapitalistmodelofsuccessneverthelessfeel likefailuresbecausetheydontliveuptoit.Theycantescapetheirearlierconditioning ortheongoingpressuretoconform. Ifyousufferfromthisproblem,myadviceistoreadpartsIandIIofTheLifelong Activistanddoyourmissionandtimemanagement.Then,practicelivingyourmission withoutshameorregret.Itsvital,inthiseffort,thatyousurroundyourselfwithpeople whounderstandandsupportyou,andremoveyourselffrompeoplewhodont. Yourereally_______,youknowthat?AnentrepreneurshipprogramIusedto runtypicallyofferedtwokindsofclasses:oneforartists(anykindofcreative professional),andanotherfornonartists(everyoneelse,includingpeoplewhowantedto owncleaningservices,computerconsultancies,coffeeshops,orautodetailingshops).I woulddotheNameYourStrengthsexercisefromthelastchapterinboth,anditwas interestingtocomparethetypesofliststhetwoclassesgenerated.Practicallyallthe artistsincludedthewordcreativehighupontheirlists,andpracticallynoneofthe otherentrepreneursdid.Mostentrepreneursarehighlycreative,however,sothequestion
is,whydidntthenonartistsseethemselvesthatway? Theanswer:labels. Fromayoungage,theartistswereprobablytoldtheywerecreative.Itwas probablydrummedintothemallthetime.Theywereprobablyencouragedtopaint, sculptormakemusic;urgedtowardartclassesandartisticextracurricularactivities;and praisedfortheiraccomplishmentsintheseareas. Nowonderthewordcreativeappearedhighontheirlistofstrengths. Thenonartists,manyofwhommighthavebeenjustascreativeastheartists, probablydidntgetthesamelabelattachedtothem.So,theydidntgrowupthinking theywerecreative. Labels,asanypsychologistwilltellyou,arepowerful.Theyinfluenceus enormouslyandshapeourselfimages.Theyarealsohardtoshake.Manyofmystudents werelabelednegativelyintheiryouth,andthoselabelscontinuetohauntthemasadults. Maybetheywerecalledoversensitiveoranimpracticaldreamer.Or,maybethey werecalledlazyorstupidorbadatmath.Or,maybetheywerecalledworse.In manycases,theycontinuetofight,evenasadults,tofreethemselvesfromthose destructivelabels. Trytofigureoutwhatlabelsareholdingyouback,andtobreakfreeofthemby seeingyourselfandyourachievementswithfresheyes.Friendsandmentorscanreally helphere:asdiscussedearlier,theywillprobablyseestrengthsandtalentsinyouthatyou neverimagined. Bytheway,althoughIsometimesusetermssuchasperfectionistand negativistinthisebook,Iwouldneverusethesetermstolabelsomeoneinreallife.I mighttellsomeonetheyareactingperfectionisticallyornegatively,orthattheyhave thosetendenciesneverthattheyareaperfectionistornegativist. TheSolution Thecurefornegativityistoreplacedysfunctional(negative)thoughtsand behaviorswithfunctional(objective)ones.Forexample: Replacethisnegativethought:Ireallyblewthatproject! Withthismorefunctionalone:Ididhalfofitwell,andtheotherhalfnotso well. Replacethisnegativethought:ImaterribleactivistIdontknowwhyIeven try! Withthismorefunctionalone:Iseemtobebetteratthinkingupandplanning campaignsthenmanagingthem.MaybeIcanfindagoodmanagertohelpmerunmy
nextone. Replacethisnegativethought:Iwassupposedtomakefivesalesformysmall businessthisweekanddidntmakeany.Imjustalazydilettante,andnowmybusiness isgoingtofail... Withthismorefunctionalone:Okay,soIdidntmakeanysalesthisweek. Thatsnotgood,buttherewereextenuatingcircumstances,includingmycoldandthat blizzardthatkeptthekidshomefromschoolfortwodays.Iobviouslyneedtomake moresalesandIknowIcan,sinceIdidhavethatterrificweekwhereImadeeight sales,lastmonth.IneedtomanagemytimesothatIvegotmoretimeandenergyfor sales.Illworkonthattomorrowandcallmymentorforadvice.Illalsocallmy neighborandseeifshecanwatchthekidsthenexttimetheyhaveasnowday...Butinthe meantime,Iwontabusemyselfforhavinggottensickandbeingagoodparent. Theprocessyoullgothroughisthesameasthatdescribedforperfectionism: practice,practice,practice.Atfirst,itmaybehardtoremembertoreplaceanegative thoughtwithamoreobjectiveone,butaftersomepractice,itwillseemmorenatural,and afterstillmorepractice,itwillhappenautomatically.Eventually,youllstopthinkingso negatively. Asalways,neverberateyourselfwhenyouslipup.
Chapter18. Hypersensitivity
Hypersensitivityisthetendencytooverreacttolifesordinarystresses.Itsatrait thatprocrastinatorssharewithaddictsandotherswhohavetroublecoping. NoticethatImtalkingabouthypersensitivitynotsensitivity.Sensitivityisa greatpersonalitytrait.Itmeansweredeeplyandmeaningfullyawareofourselves,our environment,andthelivingbeingsaroundus.Theworldneedsasmanysensitivepeople aspossiblebecausetheyareoftentheoneswhonotice,andstrivetofix,problems. Hypersensitivity,however,goesoverboard.Ifaminorirritation,disappointment orrejectionruinsyourday(orweekormonthoryear),thenyourehypersensitive. Conversely,ifminorgoodnewsmakesyougleefulormanictothepointwhereyoucant function,thatsalsohypersensitivity. Hypersensitivityis,inessence,alackofemotionalselfcontrol.Itsaparticularly seriousproblemforambitiousdreamersbecausethedailylifeofanambitiousdreameris
oftenfilledwitheventsthat,ifweoverreacttothem,canbumpusoffourpath. Hypersensitivitystealsnotjustyourtimeandenergy,butyourobjectivity.As discussedearlier,theprimaryrequisitefordoinganykindofambitiousworkisan objectiveworldview.Hypersensitivitycloudsyourobjectivity,makingyouless effective.Often,moreover,thecloudingisnegative,sothatyouseeasituationasbeing worsethanitactuallyis.Thisbreedsthekindsofcynicismandhopelessnessthatcauses somanypeopletoburnoutorabandontheirdream. Hypersensitivityalsoleadstoatendencytowardisolation,abigproblem.Many hypersensitivepeoplehavetroubletoleratinglifesordinarystresses,andoverreactto minorirritantssuchasalatetrain,aslowlineatthegrocerystore,orevenbadweather. Attheworkplace,theysimplycantabidecubicles,dresscodes,fluorescentlightsand nosycoworkers.Onesolutionmanyhypersensitivepeopleemploy,eitherconsciously orunconsciously,istoretreatfromtheworldanditsstresses.Theyspendmoreandmore timealoneinanenvironmentthatisasmuchundertheircontrolaspossible. Professionally,theymaytrytoworkfromhomeor,iftheycantmanagethat,takeother actionstoisolatethemselvesfromtheircolleaguesforexample,keepingtheiroffice doorshutoravoidingthepopularlunchhangout.Athome,theymayretreatintoa solitarycouchpotatoorInternetaddictexistence. Theproblemwithisolationisthat,whileitmayfeelgoodintheshortterm,itis almostalwaysinimicaltoproductivity,successandhappiness.Foronething,many peoplebecomeunhappyiftheyrealonetoomuch,andmostofushavetroublebeing productivewhenwereunhappy.Foranother,LoneRangertypemythsaside,successat mostambitiousendeavorsinvariablyrequiresateameffort.(AndeventheLoneRanger hadTontoandSilver...) Thisisnottosaythatyoucantorshouldntenjoyperiodsofsolitude.Butyou willneedtoknowwheretodrawthelinebetweenahealthyenjoymentofsolitudeandan unhealthytendencytowardisolationism.Moregenerally,ifyouarehypersensitive,oneof yourprimarychallengeswillbetolearntoexperiencenegativeemotionssuchas rejection,frustrationanddisappointment,aswellaspositiveonessuchasprideand happiness,withoutbeingderailedbythem.Thismaynotbeeasy,butitwillbean importantpartofyourgrowthandsuccess. Pleasenotethathypersensitivitycanberootedintrauma,orotherpsychological, cognitiveorevenphysicalconditions.Ifyouthinksuchissuesmaybepresentinyour ownsituation,youshouldseekprompt,professionalhelp.Alsobecognizantof compassionfatigue,asecondarytraumaticstressdisorderwhosesymptomscaninclude hypersensitivity,fear,dissociation(disconnectionfromtheimmediateenvironment), obtrusivedaydreams,anddisruptedsleeppatterns.Compassionfatigueafflictsactivists
andotherswhoregularlyworkwith,orwitness,peopleoranimalswhohavebeen traumatizedeitherbyviolenceorotherfrighteningcircumstances,suchasanatural disaster.Compassionfatiguecanalsoafflictfamilymembersorfriendsofthosewhoare traumatized.Ifyouthinkyoumaybesufferingfromcompassionfatigueyoushouldseek prompthelpfromapsychologistwhospecializesintreatingit. Finally,hypersensitivityisalsooftenlinkedtoaddiction.Ifyouarehookedon extremeemotionalhighsandlowsthatyouareunableorunwillingtomoderateor,that youmaybeattemptingtomoderatethroughaddictivedrinking,drugs,overeating, oversleepingorcompulsivetelevisionwatchingorvideogameplayingyoushould makeitaprioritytodealwiththat.Seeatherapist,joinaTwelveStepprogram,orreada wellregardedrecoverybooksuchasAbrahamJ.Twerski,M.D.sAddictiveThinking: UnderstandingSelfDeception. TheSolution Aswithperfectionismandnegativity,thecureforhypersensitivityistoreplace dysfunctionalthoughtswithfunctional(objective)ones.Hypersensitivityisasomewhat simplerproblemtoworkonthantheothertwo,however,becausethefunctionalthought isalwaysavariationon,ImgoingtocalmdownanddowhatImsupposedtobe doing.Forexample: Replacethishypersensitivethought:Ihatethisproject!Iwasstupidtotakeit on,andIhateworkingonit,andnowitslateandmybossjustaddedawholenewpartto it!TheresnowayIcangetallthisdone!ImgoingtotellmybossIcantdoit.Itsthe lastminute,andshellbetickedoff,butshellfindsomeoneelse. Withthisobjectiveone:ImgoingtocalmdownanddowhatIagreedtodo.Ill callStellaandJimandseeiftheycanprovidebackup,butIcommittedtodoingthisand soeveniftheycant,Illdomybestandseewhathappens. Replacethishypersensitivethought:Itssnowingout;doIreallywanttoleave mywarmapartmentandattendthemeeting?Noway!IknowIagreedtoattend,butI reallydontwanttogo.Imjustgoingtostayin. Withthisobjectiveone:Imgoingtocalmdown,dresswarmly,grabacupof hotcoffee,andgotothemeeting. Replacethishypersensitivethought:Icantbelievethatthatjerktalkedtome likethat!Hehassomenerve!ImsomadIjustcantstandit.Mywholeafternoonis ruined! Withthisobjectiveone:Imgoingtocalmdownmaybedosomeyoga
stretchesandthentrytogetbacktowork.Ifthestretchesdontwork,Illtrytodeal withmyangerbywritingforawhileinmyjournal. Replacethishypersensitivethought:Wow!Icantbelievewelandedameeting withXYZFoundation.Thatsgreatnews!Ifwedoagreatpresentationtheycouldgive us$300,000.Withthatmoney,wecouldmovetobetteroffices,hirefivenewpeople, startthatnewcampaign,andreplacealltheofficecomputers.Also,ifXYZFoundation givesusmoney,sowillABCFoundation.Wecouldprobablyget$150,000outofthem andcoulduseTHATmoneyfor....Wow,thisisgoodstuff!Idbetterwriteitalldown. ..andthenIhaveafewpeopletocallandsharethegoodnewswith...and,oh,Ineed togetBillsadviceonhowtohandlethis,soIdbettercallhim,too.... Withthisobjectiveone:ThatwasaGREATcallwithXYZ.Imsohappywe landedthatmeeting!Itsnotuntilnextmonth,however,soImjustgoingtojotdowna fewnotesandthentrytocalmdownandgetbacktotodayswork.Icanstartpreparing fortheXYZmeetingnextweek. TheprocessyoullgothroughisthesameasthatforsolvingPerfectionismand Negativity:practice,practice,practice.Atfirst,itmaybehardtoremembertoreplacea hypersensitivethoughtwithafunctionalone,butaftersomepracticeitwillseemmore natural,andafterstillmorepracticeitwillhappenautomatically.Eventually,youllstop reactingsohypersensitively. Asalways,neverberateyourselfwhenyouslipup. ****** SpecialTopic:ProcrastinationandtheBody Procrastinationoftenbeginsinthebodysinceevenabitoftwitchinessorfatigue isoftenenoughtodistractus,especiallyifweareverysensitivetobodilydiscomfort. Moreover,ifnotdealtwith,thetwitchyortiredfeelingalmostalwaysintensifies,making itinevitablethat,soonerorlater,wewillabandonourwork. Writingandotherformsofdeskworkaremorephysicalthanmanypeople realize.TheabilitytositstillandworkforlongperiodswhattheGermanscall sitzfleishmaynotqualifyforanOlympicsport,butitisstillsurprisinglyhardtodo, asanyonewhopracticessittingBuddhistmeditationcanattest.Mostambitiousdreamers needtocultivatelotsofsitzfleish. Work,therefore,tobecomemoreattunedtoyourbodyanditssignals;and,in particular,topickuptheveryearlysignsofrestlessnessandfatigue.Practiceworking throughmilddiscomfortthekeyisoftentoswitchtosomeeasierwork.Butifyoucant
workthrough,thatsokay:justtakeabreakanddealwiththefeelingwhileitsstillsmall andmanageable. Interestingly,bothrestlessnessandfatiguecanbealleviatedbymanyofthesame activities:meditation,stretches,orevenrunningordancinginplace.Caffeinecanhelp wakeyouup,ofcourse,andapleasantmeditativebreakwithdecafherbalteacanhelp calmyoudown.Beflexibleandcreativeinfindingsolutionsthatworkforyou,resting assuredthatwhenyoudolearntocopewithtransientphysicaldiscomfort,youll probablybecomemuchmoreproductiveoverall. Moregenerally,propernutrition,sleep,exerciseandpreventativemedicineareall importanttokeepingyourphysicalmachineingoodshapeanimportantprerequisite tobothshorttermandlongtermproductivity.Ergonomicsalsomattersabsolutely.Just asamarathonerwouldntdreamofrunningaraceincheapsneakers,youshouldntuse badlyfunctioningand/oruncomfortableequipment.Notonlyarecarpeltunnelsyndrome, eyestrainandmusclecrampsrealconcerns,butbadequipmentdistractsyouanddegrades yourproductivity. Goodequipmentdoesnthavetobeexpensive,bytheway.Yearsago,mythen husbandkindlybuiltformeasimplewritingtablewhosesurfaceisexactly25.5inches high.Allittookwassomeparticleboardanddowelsforlegs,andthewholethingcost $10andtookaboutanhourtobuild.Withthistable,whichIstilluse,Icansitwithmy feetproperlyflatonthefloorandmykeyboardproperlyatelbowlevel,andtype comfortablyforhours.Havingatablebuiltexactlytomyspecificationsnotonlyhelps myproductivity;italsohelpsmefeelmorelikeaseriousprofessional. ******
Chapter19 PANIC!:TheFearAmplifier
Theproblemisnottheproblem.Theproblemisyourreactiontotheproblem.Jerry Weinberg ImportantNote:Thepanicdiscussedinthischapteristheordinarypanicofeveryday life.Ifyousufferfromdisablinganxietyorpanicattacks,youshouldseeadoctoror psychologist.
RememberthemusiciansnegativistresponseinChapter16: Whatadisaster.Imsuchadope,acompleteloser.Ialwaysscrewup.Idont evenknowwhyIbothertotry.Andthistownitsfullofjerks.Theyretoodumb toappreciaterealmusic,andtheyrecheap,tooIonlysoldtwoCDs.Andthe clubmanagermustthinkImajerk,too.Imsurehellneverletmeperformthere again.Ifeellikecrap.Ijustcantstandit.Imgoingtogetaquartoficecream andrentabadmovieandcrawlintobed. Whatif,shehadinsteadreactedthisway: Whatadisaster.Imsuchadope...oh,well,Icouldkeepondwellingonthis andcallingmyselfnames,butwhatwouldthataccomplish?Nothing,really. Besides,therewasnorealharmdone,andIreallydidtrymybest....Illspenda fewminutesmakingsomenotesontheexperience,andmaybecallafriendfor support,butafterthatIllgetbacktotheworkIhadplannedtodo. Noticehow,inthesecondspeech,themusicianconsciouslyinterruptsher negativethoughtsandstartsamoreobjective,functionallineofthinkingandhowthat actionnotonlyhelpshermoodbuthelpshergetbacktowork? Akeydifferencebetweenthemusicianinthefirstexampleandtheoneinthe secondmaybepanic.Everyoneexperiencesregularepisodesoffear,anger,confusion, disappointmentandothernegativeemotions;ambitiousdreamers,giventhechallenging natureoftheirgoal,mayexperiencesuchepisodesmanytimesaday.Nonprocrastinators canusuallyexperiencethoseemotionsbrieflyandthenreturntoapositiveor,atleast, neutralmoodthatallowsthemtocontinuetodotheirwork.Procrastinatorscannot:they panic,andtheirpanicamplifiestheirfearandanxietyuntiltheycannolongerfunction. Thentheyretreatintoescapistbehaviorssuchasperfectionism,negativityand hypersensitivity. Theotherthingpanicdoes,besidesamplifynegativeemotions,isdisableyour copingmechanisms.Thiscould,infact,bethedefinitionofpanic:thestateofbeing unabletocope.Someonewhoisabletochangeatireduringpracticerunsinher driveway,butforgetshowtodoitwhenshehasaflatonthesideofahighway,is panicked.Soissomeonewhoknowsaschoolsubjectwellbutbombsthetest,orwho plansandpracticesforanimportantmeetingbutscrewsitup. Studentsregularlycometomewithproblemsthattheyclaimtohavenoideahow
tosolve.Iaskthem,Whatadvicewouldyougivesomeoneelsewiththesame problem?andtheyinvariablyrattleoffagoodsolutionwithoutevenstoppingtothink aboutit.Theycandothatbecauseitsusuallymucheasiertosolveotherpeoples problemsthanourown,mainlybecausewepanicoverourown. StealthPanic Wereallfamiliarwiththetypeofhighenergypanicwhereyoufeelfranticand outofcontrol.Butpanicoftenhappensmuchmorequietlythanthat.WhatIcallstealth panicmayactuallybeamorecommoncauseofprocrastination. Stealthpaniciswhathappenswhenyousitdowntodoyourworkat9:00a.m.and thengetasudden,irresistibleurgetodosomethingelse,likegetacupofcoffee.You dontfeelpanickeditactuallyfeelslikeacalm,eventrivialdecisionbutwham: youvebeenbumpedoffyourpath.Sometimesthishappensevenbefore9:00a.m.,so thatyoudontevenmakeittoyourdesk. Stealthpanicoftenprecipitatesthetrancelikestatewediscussedearlierthat makesiteasierforyoutokeepprocrastinating.Firstyougetthecupofcoffee,thenyou readthenewspaper,thenyoumakeapersonalcall,andthenyoudosomeInternet shoppingandthen,wham!,suddenlyitslunchtime.Perhapsyouweresemiawarethat youshouldhavebeendoingsomethingelse,butneverquiteawareenough,orfocused enough,toactuallystopwhatyouweredoingandgetbacktowork. TheSolution Wenowarriveatthetrueheartoffearbasedprocrastination.Underneath thedistractibilityandantiproductivebehaviorssuchasperfectionism,negativity andhypersensitivity,andjustaboveyourfear,isthepanicthatamplifiesthatfear untilyoucantmanageit.Minimizeoreliminatethatpanicandyoushouldbeable tomanageepisodesoffear,therebyavoidingtheneedtoresorttoantiproductive behaviorsandallowingyoutoreturnquicklyandeasilytoyourwork. AsmyteacherJerryWeinberg,says,Theproblemisnottheproblem.The problemisyourreactiontotheproblem.Whathemeansisthattheproblemjustis,but yourreactiontoitwillmakeiteasierorhardertosolve.Thatwouldseemtoputalotof pressureonyou,butinrealityittakesalotofthepressureoff,becauseonceyou eliminatepanic,problemsarealmostalwaysmucheasiertosolvethanweimagine. Thekeytoovercomingprocrastinationistolearntodefeatpanicand,eventually,
tonotexperienceitatall.
Nowthatwevecharacterizedthegeneralnatureofprocrastination,weare readytostartexploringsolutionstoit.Beforewegettothetruesolutionsthatreally solvetheproblem,though,letsexaminesomefalseonesthatpeoplecommonlytry tonoavail.Someofthesewillprobablybefamiliar...
PartII.THESOLUTIONS
Chapter20. FalseSolutionI:MeanMommy/MeanDaddy
Themostcommonfalsesolutiontoprocrastinationistotrytobullyourselvesinto workingthroughitviaaninternaldialogthatrunssomethinglikethis: Comeon,stopbeinglazy.Youknowyouneedtodoyourwriting;theresno excusenotto.Yeah,Iknowtheresalotofstuffgoingon,butitdoesntmatter.Wheres yourwillpoweranddiscipline?Howcanyoubesoimmature?Dontyourealizewhats atstake?Youvegottogetyouracttogetheroryoullfail!Andthenwhatwillyoudo?! Oh,yeah,andyouvegottowritetwentypagestoday,notjustten,sinceyoudidntwrite anythingovertheweekend.Thatswhatrealwritersdo,andifyoucantdoit,that meansyourejustafakerandafraud. Itsastreamofselfabuse,guilt,shame,andblame:Icallitthemeanmommy ormeandaddy(takeyourpick)innerdialogand,trustme,itdoesntwork.Italkedto myselflikethatfortwentyyears,anditonlyinhibitedmysuccess,andmanyofmy studentshavealsospokentothemselveslikethatfordecadesanditalsodidntworkfor them.Thetruthisthatmostofusreacttothemeanmommy/daddythesamewaywe wouldtoanexternalbully:bybecomingresentfulandoppositional.Sonowyouve addedthoseantiproductiveattitudesontopofwhateverotherfactorswereinhibitingyour productivity. Themeanmommy/daddyapproachhasotherproblems.Itmisdiagnosestheroot problem,which,asyounowknow,isnotlazinessorimmaturitybutfear.Italso underminesyoubyreinforcingbadideasaboutyourselfandrobbingyouofselfesteem. Italsotendstolieaboutthenatureofyourworkandsituationforinstance,whatifthe lotofstuffgoingonmentionedinpassingabovewereillness,afamilymemberin trouble,orsomeotherlegitimatecrisis?Punishingyourselfforbeingsick,orfornot meetingyoururgentresponsibilities,isnotonlyantiproductive,butdeeplyunfair. Themeanmommy/daddyvoiceisthevoiceofperfectionismwhich,repeating AnneLamottsaptphrase,isthevoiceoftheoppressor.Itisalsothevoiceof negativityandhypersensitivity.Itsoundsasifitstryingtosolveyourproblem,whereas itsonlymakingitworse.Dontlistentoit. Italsotendstoattackmostferociouslywhenyouarefrightened,anxious,guilty, ashamedorotherwisevulnerable.Bedoublyonyourguardduringthosetimes.
WhereMeanMommy/MeanDaddyComesFrom Why,ifitdoesntwork,isthemeanmommy/daddyapproachsoprevalent?I thinkitsbecausemanyofuslearneditfrombullyingparents,teachers,bossesand others.Someofthesepeoplemayhavebeenwellmeaning,othersnot,butinallcases theirapproachwasmisguided. Wealsopickupbullyingfromthemedia,whichlikestoportraysimplesolutions tocomplexproblems.Thinkofallthesentimentalmoviesinwhichtoughbutcaring teachers,coachesanddrillsergeantsbullytheirchargesintoseeminglymiraculous accomplishments;andalsoofalltheubiquitousbullyingadvertisingsloganssuchas, justdoit!andnopain,nogain. Oursocietyalsopromotestheideathatsuccessiseasy.Thebusinesspressis filledwithragstorichesandovernightsuccessstories;andevenincaseswhereitisnt pitchingthoseexactnarratives,itstilltendstodiscounttheroleofluckandperseverance insuccess.(Tobefair,manysuccessfulpeoplealsoeitherforgettheirearlystrugglesor choosetoomitthemfromtheirofficialbiographies.)So,forinstance,wehearallabout howMicrosoftCorp.founderBillGateswasayounggenius(whichhesurelywas),but notnearlysomuchabouthowhegrewupinanaffluentfamily,withafatherwhowasa highlysuccessfulbusinesslawyerandamotherwhowaswellconnectedinSeattle society.Wealsodonthearabouthisincredibleluckinhavinggrownupintheearlyera ofthepersonalcomputer.Theseadvantagesdontdiminishhisbrilliance,buttheydid contributeenormouslytohissuccess. Meanmommy/daddybuysintothehypeandsaysthatifyourenotsucceeding easily,theremustbesomethingwrongwithyou. Arelatedmythisthatthestruggleforsuccessisglamorous.Inpopularculture, theartistifheisntlivinganimprobablyaffluentlifetobeginwithmaystarvefora while,butiscompensatedforthatinconveniencebylivinganinterestinglifesurrounded byfascinatingpeopleandpunctuatedbycomicalsituations.ThinkofHenryMillers fictionalalteregoorGulleyJimson,theartistprotagonistfromJoyceCarysgreatnovel TheHorsesMouth(latermadeintoagreatmoviestarringAlecGuinness).Eventhe starvingseemslikesuchfunandtheartistsinthesekindsofworksalwaysseemto findsomeonetocadgeagoodmealoffof,anywayandthen,totopitoff,theartist frequentlylaterhitsthejackpotandachievesprofessionalsuccess. Inreallife,however,ourstrugglesareoftenmuchmoreprotractedoftenlasting yearsordecadesandterrifyinglyoffernoguaranteeofsuccess.Theyareoftendifficult andfrighteningenoughthattheyderailmostpeoplefromtheirambitiousdreams,andso
theyarenottobescoffedat.Anyonewhopersistsintheirdreaminthefaceofsucha struggleshould,infact,belaudedeveniftheyhappennottobeworkingashard,atany giventime,astheyfeeltheyoughtto. Meanmommy/daddydoesntacknowledgethisrealityandbuysintothehypethat thestruggleisfunandglamorous.Infact,meanmommy/daddysaysthatifyourenot enjoyingyourstruggle,theremustbesomethingiswrongwithyou. Finally,meanmommy/daddyrefusestoacknowledgethatsuccessismuchharder toaccomplishifyouarenotwillingtoexploitothersorstintonyourrelationshipsand responsibilities.Mostofus,infact,arent,whichIthinkisagoodthing:butalikely consequenceofthatchoiceisthatyoursuccesswillcomeslower,ortoalesserdegree, thansomeonewhoexploitspeopleorditcheshisresponsibilities. Meanmommy/daddydoesntrecognizethattruth,however,andtellsyouthatyou shouldholdyourselftothesamelevelofproductivityandachievementassomeonewho eitherexploitspeopleorneglectsresponsibilities.Manywomen,inparticular,have troublewiththisbecausetheyarestillprimarilyresponsibleforchildcare,eldercareand housekeeping.Howcouldtheyreasonablybeexpectedtobeasproductiveassomeone whodoesnthavethosehugeresponsibilities?Butmeanmommy/daddydoesntcare aboutstufflikethatandjustblamesyouforbeingunproductive. Bytheway,evenWilliamFaulknerhimselfheofthefamousquote,Ifawriter hastorobhismotherhewillnothesitate;theOdeonaGrecianUrnisworthany numberofoldladiesthathasbeenusedtoguilttripgenerationsofwritersevenhe didntneglecthismother.Hemayhavebeendevotedtohisart,buthewasalsodevoted toherandsupposedlyvisitedherdaily. So,donotdespair:youcanhonoryourrelationshipsandothercommitments, ANDalsodogreatwork. BullyingBackfires Thefinalreasonpeoplebullyisthatbullyingsometimesworksbut,ifyouthink aboutit,itusuallyonlyworkswhenthepersondoingthebullyinghaspower,or perceivedpower,overtheonebeingbullied,anditusuallyonlyworkstemporarily.Over thelongterm,bullyingactuallytendstocreatebehavioralchangeintheopposite directionfromthatintended.Aparentwhoforceshischildtotakepianolessonswhen shedoesntwanttousuallycreatesanadolescentwhowantsnothingtodowithpiano. Ofcourse,whenyourebullyingyourselfviathemeanmommy/daddydialog,the powerdifferentialdoesntexist,andsothebullyingdoesntworkatall,excepttomake youfeelbadandyourprocrastinationproblemworse.
Enlightenedmommies,daddies,coaches,bossesandmentorsallknowthat bullyingdoesntwork,andsoinsteadoftryingtoinfluencebehaviorviaharshcriticism andnegativelabeling,theyusepositivereinforcementandencouragement. Ifyourinnerdialogshamesorguiltsyou,orotherwisemakesyoufeelbad,thats themeanmommy/daddy.Remember:theresneverareasontotalkbadlytoyourself,and thetimeswhenyoufeelmostjustifiedindoingsowhenyouthinkyouvescrewedup arethetimesyoushoulddoublyworktoavoidit.Thatisnottosaythatyoushouldnt addressyourperceivedshortcomingsandfailures,butthatyoushouldonlydosoina objective,compassionateandconstructiveway.
Chapter21. FalseSolutionsIIandIII.SellingOutandStallingOut
Sellingoutiswhenyousacrificeyourambitiousdreamforotherdreamsor activities,e.g.,makingmoney,raisingafamily,ordoingvolunteerwork.Youcanalso, ofcourse,sacrificeyourdreamforlessworthyaims,suchascompulsivehousekeeping, televisionwatching,Websurfing,videogamingorpartying. Idontreallyliketousethetermsellingout,becauseitsoftenusedto negativelylabelpeoplewhoaresimplydoingtheirbesttomakedifficultlifechoices.But wecanalsoapplyitnonpejorativelytothosewhowindupovercompromisingand ditchingtoomuchoftheirdream.Manypeoplemakethatmistakebecausetheyfallinto thetrapofthinkingtheresonlyonepathtotheirgoalsoftentheunrealisticpath portrayedinthemediaandthen,whentheyarehavingtroublesucceedingviathatpath, theyabandontheirdream.Inreality,however,thereareusuallyseveral(atleast)pathsto success: *Anartistwhomustworkatafulltimedayjob,forinstance,canoftenarrange flextime(e.g,a4day/10hourworkweek)sothatshecandevotemorequalitytimetoher art.Or,shecanfreesometimeforherselfbyeithergettingherfamilytodomoreofthe chores,orhiringoutsidehelp.Or,shecanhireaparttimeassistanttohelpwitharts relatedchoreslikepreparingcanvasesorcleaningthebrushes.(Ifshesbroke,shecan teachinexchangeforthoseservices.) *Anactivistwholacksthemoneyforabigcampaigncangetpeopletodonate moneyandservices,oruselowcostguerrillamarketingtypetechniques. *Abusinesspersonwhosedreamisopeningarestaurant,butwholacksthemoney todoso,canstartacateringorpackagedfoodsbusinessfirst.
Mostpeopledonotliketocompromiseontheirpaths,butitsbetterto compromisethantoditchyourdreamentirely.Besides,eachofthesecompromises,and perhapseverycompromiseyoumightbecalledontomake,hasaterrificsilverlining. Theartistwhoasksherbossforflextimediscoversthatshehasmorecontroloverher schedulethanshethoughtshehadhad.Theactivist,forcedtofundraise,findsoutthat thereareindeedpeopleouttherewhoarewillingtofundhiscause.Thebusinessperson gainsvaluableexperienceinafoodrelatedindustrywhilebuildinghercapital. Theresalwaysmorethanonepathtosuccess,andevenacompromisepathoffers considerablejoyandfulfillment.Ifyoucantfindonethatworksforyou,givenyour financial,familyorotherconstraints,consultamentor(seeChapter30). Stallingoutistheoppositeofsellingout:itswhenyousacrificeeverythingelse inyourlifeforyourambitiousdream.Basically,yourinterestsnarrowandnarrow,and yourrelationshipsbecomemoreandmorelimited,untilyouredoinglittleotherthan yourworkexceptthat,sincethisstrategyisbasedondeprivationanddenial,youre probablymiserableandnotdoingmuchwork,either. Naturally,thisdysfunctionalpathisalsocelebratedinnumeroustorturedartist andmonomaniacalentrepreneurstories,butitsnolessrealisticforallthat.Few peoplecansurvive,muchlessthriveandachieveanambitiousgoal,inthecontextof suchadeprivedandlonelyexistence.Andtotheextentthatyourgoalrequiresfreshideas andinsights,youwillprobablybelackingthose,too. TheCure Thecureforbothsellingoutandstallingoutis,first,nottoshame,blame,guilt orotherwiseabuseyourselffordoingso.(Inotherwords,nomeanmommy/daddy!) Often,fearalongwithmisinformationisattherootofthesestrategies,andyoushould neverrespondtofearwithpunishment.Instead,usethesolutionfordealingwithfear basedprocrastinationthatIdiscussstartinginChapter25. Rememberthatthereisnoabsoluterightorwronganswertothequestionofhow youshouldliveyourlife.Yourambitiousdreamcouldbethecentral,definingelementof yourlife,oritcouldplayasubordinateroletofamilyorothervalues.Remember,also, thatthefoundationofallantiprocrastinationeffortsishonestyaboutwhoyouareand whatyourvaluesandneedsare.Tryingtoliveafalselifeevenfromgoodmotives issimplynotgoingtowork,asmostofuscantendurealifelivedindenial. Ifyoufindyourselfclingingtoadreamofanidealizedpaththatisimpossiblefor youtofollow,insteadofselectingacompromisepaththatyoucanfollow,askyourself whetherfearmightbeattheheartofyourstubbornness.
Chapter22. FalseSolutionIV.Dithering
Solvingaproblemmeanstakingspecificactionssuchasobservingitssymptoms ormanifestations;preciselydefiningit;researchingitanditspossiblesolutions; developingastrategyforsolvingit;testingthestrategy;implementingthestrategyifit testswell;refiningthestrategyifitdoesnt;andevaluatingsuccessorfailure. Ditheringincludesalltheotherthingsyoudoaboutyourproblems,including worrying,feelingguilty,beatingyourselfup,complainingtofamilyandfriends,and feelingsorryforyourself. Ditheringispernicious.Itgivesyoutheillusionthatyouaresolvingyour problem,sothatyoudonthavetofeelguiltyforignoringit,orfeellikeyouvegivenup hope.Butditheringdoesntreallysolveyourproblem.Thehallmarkofditheringis that,nomatterhowlongorseriouslyyoudoit,theproblemnevergetssolved.Sadly, thisistrueevenincaseswhereapersondithersfordecades,orhiswholelife. Howdoyouknowwhenyoureditheringversussolving?Easy:ifyouvebeen workingtosolveyourproblem,butmakingnoprogress,youreprobablydithering.Even thetoughestproblemissolvable,atleasttosomedegreeand,asIlldiscusslater,it oftentakesonlyasmallamountofactualsolvingtomakenoticeableprogress.If, therefore,youaremakingnoprogress,youarealmostcertainlydithering. Anotherdifferencebetweenditheringandsolvingisthatditheringtendstofocus ontheproblem,whilesolvingfocusesonthesolution.Thatisntanabsoluterule, becausepartofwhatyoudotosolveaproblemischaracterizeandanalyzeit.Butifall youaredoingisthinkingabouttheproblemandhowmiserableitsmakingyou,and yourenotdevotinganytimetodesigningandimplementingasolution,thenyouare dithering. Anotherdifferenceisthatditheringtendstooccurinisolation.Youdoit yourself,intheprivacyofyourownroom,oratleastintheprivacyofyourownthoughts. Whenyouconfideinfriendsandothers,youusethoseconversationsmoretovent,orto hearyourownideasandemotionsechoedbackatyou,thantoobserve,define,etc. Maybeyoudontevenlistenverycloselytowhatthepeopleyouaretalkingtoare saying,orignoretheiradvice. Solving,ontheotherhand,usuallyinvolvesotherpeopleandnotjustyour
friends,butprofessionalssuchasadoctor,therapist,spiritualadvisor,twelvestep sponsor,teacherormentor.And,often,morethanoneofthose.Andinsteadofusing thesepeopleasanechochambertoreflectyourownthoughtsandfeelingsbackatyou, youlistencloselytowhattheyaresayinganddoyourbesttofollowtheiradvice. Becausemanyprocrastinatorstendtobeashamedandinsecure,theyhavea naturalinclinationtowardisolation.Butmostoflifestoughestproblems,including procrastination,canbestoronlybesolvedwiththehelpofacommunity. Whywouldanyonewastetimeditheringwhentheycouldbesolvingtheir problem?Insomecases,itmaybebecausetheydontknowthattheyare,infact, dithering:theythinktheyaresolving.Butitcouldalsobethat,duetotheirfears,they dontreallywanttosolvetheirprocrastinationproblemandmakeprogressontheirgoals. Forthem,ditheringservicestheimportantpurposeofkeepingthemstuckwhile maintainingthefacesavingillusionofprogress. Okay!Thatsitforthefalsesolutions.Now,ontothetrueones!Theyare probablywhatyouvebeenwaitingfor,andsoImexcitedtopresentthemtoyou.There arethreetruesolutionstoproductivity,andyoucanusethemallindividuallyortogether. Thenextchapterbeginswiththesimplestone,andthenImoveinsuccessivechapters ontotheothertwo,inorderofcomplexity.
Chapter23. SolutionI:TheThreeHabitsofProductiveWork
Allproductiveworkcanbebrokendownintothesethreebehaviors: 1.Showinguptoworkexactlywhenyouaresupposedto. 2.Instantlystartingtheworkyouaresupposedtobedoing. 3.Stayingfocusedontheworkfortwentyminutesormore. Thesebehaviorsaretheessenceofproductivework.Theyarealsothepointsat whichprocrastinationhappens,and,consequently,thepointsatwhichitcanbeattacked. NoCheating! Herearethethreebehaviorsagain,thistimewithsomeimportantwords
italicized: 1.Showinguptoworkexactlywhenyouaresupposedto. 2.Instantlystartingtheworkyouaresupposedtobedoing. 3.Stayingfocusedontheworkfortwentyminutesormore. Theseimportantwordsallamounttothesamething:NOCHEATING.Noteven alittle InBehavior#1,thewordexactlymeansonthedot.8:00a.m.,not8:01,8:05,or even8:00:10.Youneedtotrainyourselftobeexactlywhereyouaresupposedtobenot thinkingaboutit,notenroute,notpouringacupofcoffeeattheexactmomentyouare supposedtobethere. InBehavior#2,thewordinstantlymeansthat,aboutasecondafteryourbutt hitsthechair,youbeginyourwork.Theworkyouaresupposedtobedoingshouldbe selfexplanatorybynow,butletsbeextracarefulandremindourselvesthatimpromptu unscheduledphonecalls(evenurgentones),coffeesipping,newspaperreading,Web surfing,andotheractivitiesareallprocrastination,pureandsimple.Soisdoingother workevenimportant,virtuousfeelingworkthatwasntscheduledforthistimeperiod. Youcanspendyourwholecareerimmersedintheseactivities,andmakelittleorno progressonyourmostimportantgoals. InBehavior#3,thewordfocusedmeansthatyouarethinkingaboutyourwork, andonlyyourwork.Inotherwords,youarenotthinkingaboutotherworkyoucouldbe doing,oryourworriesregardingyourwork,orphilosophicalissuesrelatedtoyourwork. (Philosophizingisimportant,butdontletitinterruptotherwork:scheduleitin.)And,of course,yourenotthinkingaboutyourpersonallife,lastnightstelevisionshow,orthe birdiescheepingenticinglyoutsideyourwindow. Twentyminutesormore.Theamountoftimeonecan,orshould,stayfocused onworkdiffersfrompersontoperson.Mostpeople,however,cantrainthemselvesto workinafocusedmannerforatleasttwentyminutesbeforehavingtogetupandtakea break. Afteryourbreakandyourbreaksshouldbeaslongasyouneedthemtobe, especiallywhenyourefirsttacklingyourprocrastinationproblemyoucanreturnto workforanothertwentyminutes. Initially,however,workingfortwentyminutesmayseemasunrealisticasflying tothemoon.Sostartwithtenminutes,orfive,ortwoifyouneedto.(Useakitchenor othertimertokeeptrack.)Then,takeaslongabreakasyouneed,praiseyourselffor yourachievementasdiscussedinthenextchapter,andrepeat. Asyougetmoreandmorecomfortablewithyourwork,youcanbuilduptoten
minutesofsustainedwork,thenfifteen,twenty,thirty,etc.Thekeyistobepatientand notpushit,sincepushingyourselfbasicallyinvitesthemeanmommy/daddytocomein andtakeover.
Chapter24. PracticingtheThreeProductivityBehaviors
NowthatyouunderstandtheThreeProductivityBehaviorsmorefully,youcan beginpracticingthem.Therearefivekeystosuccess: 1.StartSmall,andAimforTinyImprovements 2.LavishlyRewardEveryTinySuccess 3.IgnoreFailuresExcepttoLearnFromThem 4.AnticipatePlateausandBacksliding 5.Keepatit! 1.StartSmallandAimforTinyImprovements StartsmallmeanspracticingtheThreeProductivityBehaviors(a.k.a.,not procrastinating)onnomorethantwoorthreetasksatatimeandthetasksyoupractice onshouldbeeasyones.Startingwiththatnovelyouvebeenblockedonfortenyearsis probablyabadidea. Householdchoresareagreatthingtoinitiallypracticeonbecausewetendto procrastinateonthemnotoutoffear,butsimplybecausetheyretedious.Sopracticenot procrastinatingondoingthedishesorlaundry(ormowingthelawn,ortakingthecarin foranoilchange,etc.),ifthosearetasksyouhabituallyprocrastinateon.(Practice Behaviors#1and#2only,obviouslyyoudontwanttospendalotoftimedoing chores.)Simplepersonalcaretaskslikeflossingandtakingvitaminsareothergood candidatesforpractice. Ifthetasksyouarepracticingonseemembarrassinglysmallortrivial,youare doingitexactlyright!Thekeyistogetusedtothefeelingofnotprocrastinating,and youwillonlyhavetheopportunitytodosoifyouinitiallypracticeonactivitiesthatoffer ahighprobabilityofsuccess.Also,payattentiontothe(probablynumerous)areasof yourlifewhereyoudontprocrastinate,andnotethefeelingofcalmselfcontrolyou havewhenapproachingthosetasks.Itisthatsamefeelingyouareaimingtoinvoke aroundthetasksyouarecurrentlyprocrastinatingonandonceyoucaninvokeit,you
arewellonyourwaytosolvingtheproblem.(Yes,youareaimingtocreatecertain feelingswithinyourself.AsIlldiscussinChapter32,successfulpeopleconsciously worktoachievecertainmoods,asopposedtopassivelyacceptingwhateveremotions happentoseizethem.Manyunsuccessfulpeople,incontrast,dontevenknowthatthats evenpossibletodo.) KeeppracticingtheThreeProductivityBehaviorsonsimplestuff,andyouwill naturallygetbetteratnotprocrastinating.Youwillthenbecomelessafraid,ambivalent andconflicted,andstarttomakethecrucialshiftfromseeingprocrastinationasan inherentcharacterflawtoseeingitasabehavioralproblemyoucansolve.Meanwhile, gettingthedishesdone,flossingregularly,etc.,willthemselveshaveabeneficenteffect onyourmood,andalsoempoweryoutomakemorechanges. Onlyafteryouhavegottengoodatnotprocrastinatingonthetrivialstuffshould youbeginpracticingitonyourart,business,doctoralthesis,activismorotherambitious endeavor.Now,itisdoublyimportantforyoutostartsmall.Ifyoureawriter,dontset outtowriteanentirechapter,butonlyapageorparagraph.Ifyoureavisualartist,dont aimtopaintawholenewpicture,butsimplytomixsomecolorsorfixadetailonan existingpainting.Or,ifyoureanentrepreneur,dontaimtospendtheentiremorning doingsalescalls,butonlytenminutes. Inotherwords,whenoperatinginthescaryrealm,startreallysmall.Andonly afteryouvegottengoodatnotprocrastinatingattinytasks,doyoutakeonthebigger ones.Andonlyafteryouvegottengoodatdoingthebehaviorsfortenminutes(orfive, ortwo,orwhateverworksforyouinitially),doyoustartpracticingbehavior#3slowly buildingyourendurancesothatyoucandoyourscaryworkforfifteen,twenty,thirty, etc.,minutesatatime. 2.LavishlyRewardEveryTinySuccess Ifyoufollowmyadvicetostartsmall,youwillhavemanysuccesses,bywhich Imeaninstanceswhenyouwereabletoresistprocrastinatingandgetrighttowork.Its important,inthoseinstances,tocelebrateyourachievement!Patyourselfontheback, indulgeinatreat,andgenerallymakeafussoveryourself.Asmentionedearlier,this kindofpositivereinforcementnotonlyboostsyourconfidenceandimprovesyourmood, buthelpsimprintyourachievementinyourmemorysothatyoucancallonitwhen needed:sothat,whenyouonedayfindyourselfabouttoprocrastinate,youcanthink, ImfeelingtiredandanxiousandIreallywanttoditchmywork,butwaitaminute!I feltexactlythesamewaylastweek,andmanagedtogetpastitandhaveaproductive afternoon.IfIdiditthen,maybeIcandoitnow.Illsetmytimerforfiveminutesand seeifworkingthatlonggetsmebackontrack.
Itdoesntmatterhowsmalltheachievementis.Evenifitssomethingassimple astakingyourvitaminsexactlywhenplannedortakingthematall,ifyoufrequently neglecttogiveyourselfatleastamentalpatontheback.Forbiggerachievementsi.e., breakingoutthenotestoyournovelforthefirsttimeinayearmakesuretomakeabig fussandgiveyourselfsomekindoftangiblereward. 3.IgnoreFailuresExcepttoLearnFromThem Whenachildfailstomeetagoal,themeanparenttendstocriticizeandblame, whilethebenevolent,effectiveparentofferscompassionandunderstanding.The benevolentparentalsohelpsthechildkeepthefailureinperspective,remindinghimthat thefailureprobablyisntasawfulashethinksitis,andthatthereareplentyofother thingshehassucceededat.Withthebenevolentparentshelp,thechildgrowsuptobea resilientadultwhoisnotsoafraidoffailurethatheprocrastinates. Youneedtobeyourownbenevolentparent,whichmeansthatwheneveryoufail atnotprocrastinatingoranothergoal,youshouldnotcriticizeorblameyourself,but insteadrespondwithcompassionateobjectivity.Criticism,asdiscussedearlier,depletes yourselfesteem,underminesyourselfconfidence,mischaracterizestheproblem,and onlymakesthingsworse.Instead,beacompassionateobserverandanalystofyour situation,keepinginmindthatthereareoftenperfectlygoodreasonsbehind procrastination,eveniftheprocrastinationresponseitselfisntoptimal.Gee,Ididntget muchworkdone,today.Whathappened?Ohyeah,Iwasupsetafterthatlunchtime phonecallwithmygirlfriend.Well,itwasanupsettingcall. AswediscussedinChapter9,theproperresponsetofailureistoponderitjust longenoughtocomeupwithasolutionsothatthesamethingdoesnthappenagain: Okay,nexttimeIwontcallmygirlfrienduntilafterIvefinishedmywork.Then, moveonwithoutremorseorregret. 4.Anticipate,andCopeWith,PlateausandBacksliding Aplateauiswhenyouremainstuckatalevelofachievementdespiterepeated effortstomoveahead.Backslidingiswhenyouactuallylosegroundandbecomeless effective.Botharediscouraging,andyetbothareaninevitablepartofanypersonal growthprocess.Ifyouhaveanoffday,week,monthoryear,dontcriticizeorshame orblameyourself:justacceptitforwhatitis,andhopetodobettersoon. Plateausandbackslidingoftenindicatethatyouaresettingtooambitiousgoals.If thatisindeedthecase,thesolutionistogobacktoapriorlevelofaccomplishment yourecomfortablewithandstaythereforawhileuntilyouregainyourconfidence. Then,remembertosetmoremodestandattainablegoalsinthefuture.
Plateausandbackslidingcanalsoindicatethatyouareexperiencingpersonalor otherproblemsthatareinterferingwithyourabilitytodoyourwork.Mostofuscan tackleonlyonemajorproblematatimeand,letsfaceit,manyproblems,including illnessorafinancialcrisis,cantakeprecedenceevenovermakingprogressonour heartfeltdream.Ifsomethingdoespullyouawayfromyourdream,justdowhatyouneed todowithoutshameorremorseorregret.Eventually,youwillbeabletoreturntoyour workquitepossiblybringingtoitaricherperspectiveasaresultofyoursabbatical. 5.Keepatit! WhatcanIsay?Thosewhosucceedarealwaysthosewhopersevere.Sometimes, theyhavetotemporarilyputtheirambitiousdreamasidewhiletheyworkonother priorities.Buttheyalwayscomebacktoit.Theynevergiveupandneithershouldyou. ****** CaseStudy:GettingPastaPlateau WhilewritingTheLifelongActivist,Iwentthroughaseveralweekperiodwhere, duetopersonalissues,Iwasgettinglittledone. Iwasfrustrated,butknewtokeepselfcriticismtoaminimum.Ikeptreminding myself:ThisprocrastinationproblemisaproblemIneedtosolve,notareflectionof whoIintrinsicallyam.ThesituationwillimprovewhenImreadyforittoimprove.The lackofshame,blameandnegativeselflabelingmeantthatIwasabletomaintainmy selfconfidence,whichaidedmeinsolvingtheproblemsoonerratherthanlater. Afterafewweeksofstruggle,IeventuallyhadthepresenceofmindtodowhatI justtoldyoutodoincaseofbacksliding:returntoapriorlevelofproductivity.Idug deepintomycomputerharddriveandresurrectedaprogramIhadntneededinacouple ofyears:mysoftwarestopwatch.Isetitforfiveminuteintervalsand,duringthose intervals,committedtofocusingonmywork.(Inbetweenthoseintervals,Icouldtakeas longabreakasIwished.) Havingtousethestopwatchagainwasalittlehumiliatinglikeputtingtraining wheelsbackonabicycleandhavingtosetitatmerefiveminuteintervalswasmoreso. But,guesswhat?Thestrategyworked,quicklyandspectacularly!Infact,ittookonlya fewhoursofstopwatchpracticeformetoreturntomynormallevelofproductivity. ThestrategyworkedprimarilybecausethefiveminutetimelimitIselectedwas sosmallthatsuccesswasmoreorlessguaranteedandmytinysuccessesmotivatedme
enoughsothatIwasabletogetpastmyblockandkeepgoingwiththeprocess. ******
Chapter25. FiveSuccessTips
1.AlwaysBeginYourDaywithaSchedule Schedulingisimportantbecausevaguenessopensthedoortothekindsoffears anduncertaintiesthatcanleadtoprocrastination. Ideally,youwillhavegonethroughthemissionandtimemanagementprocesses discussedinTheLifelongActivistandwillknowhowtocreateamanageableschedule thatreflectsyourcorevalues.Ifnot,atleastcomeupwithasimpleschedulethatsays specificallywhatyouaregoingtobedoingorworkingoneveryhouroftheday. Trytocreateyourschedulethenightbeforesothattheactofschedulingitself doesnotitselfbecomeaformofprocrastination. 2.BePrepared TheBoyScoutsgotthisoneright.Forthesamereasonas#1,abovetoavoid confusionthatcanbumpyouoffyourpathyouneedtobeginyourdaywithallthe information,tools,andmaterialsneededtoaccomplishyourworkrightoutthereinfront ofyou.Thatmeanseverything:books,paperfiles,computerfiles,telephonenumbers, writingimplements,evenpaperclips.Itshouldallbeavailable,organizedandinperfect workingorder.(Cellphonecharged?Pencilssharpened?) ****** Note:If,despiterepeatedattempts,youareunabletoshowupforworkscheduledand prepared,thatmaybeasignthatyouhaveahighleveloffearthatiscausingyouto procrastinate.DontworryIlltellyouhowtodealwithitstartinginthenextchapter. ****** 3.ApproachYourWorkWithoutHesitation RememberhowProductivityBehavior#1isshowinguptoworkontime,and
ProductivityBehavior#2isgettingrighttoworkontherightstuff?Whilepracticing thosebehaviors,trynottohesitate.Hesitationgivesyourthoughtstimetowander,andif youvegotaprocrastinationhabit,theywilloftenwanderdirectlytowardyourfears. (Nowyouunderstandthemeaningoftheproverbhewhohesitatesislost.) Practiceglidingovertoyourdeskandstartingyourworkwithoutanyhesitation. 4.StayCalm Strongemotions,asyoulearnedinChapter19,bumpyouoffyourpath.Theyalso makeitharderforyoutostayfocusedonthepresentsothatyoucanpracticetheThree ProductivityBehaviors.Work,therefore,toremaincalmastheclocktickstowardyour starttime.Ifyoucatchyourselffeelingfear,anxietyordoubt,gentlyreassureyourself. (E.g.,Imjustgoingtowritefortenminutesthatsall.ThenIcantakeabreak.)If necessary,putyourselfinalittletrancejustlongenoughforyoutoglideovertoyour deskandstartworking,sinceourfearsareoftenstrongestbeforeweactuallystartour workanddisappearifwejustpersistforafewminutes. Ifyoucanteliminatethefear,dontworrywelldiscussatechniquefordoing sointhenextchapter. 5.DontMakeYourWorkMoreDifficultThanItIs Dontfallintothetrapofassumingthatprocrastinationisinevitable.Popular culturelikestoportraytheactofcreationasakindofepicstrugglebecauseitmakes gooddrama,butthatsthewrongmodeltofollow.Instead,youshouldapproachyour workwithalighttouch,andtheexperienceshouldbelikeplay:easy,safeandfun. Ifyourprojectseemsscarilybigorimportant,trybreakingitdownintosmall no,tiny!chunksandworkingonthoseoneatatime,whileignoring,forthemoment, thebigpicture.Thissoundsliketrivialadvice,butitscrucial,andmanysuccessful ambitiousdreamershavelearnedtodothisautomatically.(Anddontforgettohavefun!) Often,however,whenourworkisntfun,itsbecausewerefrightenedor panicked,eitherabouttheworkitselforsomethingelseinourlife.Asyounowknow, tryingtoworkpastthatfearisoftenfutile,especiallyiftheeffortisaccompaniedby meanmommy/daddytypeselfcriticism.Ouronlyrealcourseistocourageouslyface downandexploreourfears,andthecircumstancessurroundingthem. Andso,finally,wecometotheprocessforovercomingthedisablingfearthatlies attheheartofsomanyprocrastinationproblems.
Chapter26.SolutionII:
AProcessforOvercomingFearBasedProcrastinationandPanic
Ifyouvebeenmakinggoodprogresstowardsolvingyourprocrastination problemusingtheThreeProductivityBehaviors,thenthereprobablyisntmuchfearor panicunderlyingyourprocrastination,andyoumaynotevenneedtousetheFear DefeatingProcessdescribedbelow.If,however,youcantmanagetoadopttheThree ProductivityBehaviorsnomatterhowhardyoutry,thenyouprobablydohavefears and/orapanicresponseyouneedtoaddressviatheProcess,whichconsistsofthesenine steps: 1.Usemissionandtimemanagementtoestablishreasonablegoalsanda reasonableschedule. 2.Startyourwork:catchyourselfprocrastinating. 3.Dontcriticize,blameorshameyourself!(Nomeanmommy/daddy!) 4.Startjournaling,andviajournaling: 5a.Defuseyourpanic.(5a,b,andcallhappensimultaneouslywhilejournaling.) 5b.Characterizeyourobstacles. 5c.Designasolutionforovercomingyourobstacles. 6.Starttoimplementthesolutionand(optional)returntoyourpath. 7.Celebrateyourvictory. 8.Repeatwhenneeded.And... 9.Watchchangehappen! Idiscusseachindividuallybelow.
Step#1.Usemissionandtimemanagementtoestablishreasonablegoalsand areasonableschedule. IknowIvesaiditmanytimes.Butpleasedontneglectmissionandtime managementbecausetheyareessentialpartsofthesolution.Youcanreadaboutthemin PartsIandIIofTheLifelongActivist,orinmanyotherbooksaswell. Step#2.Startyourwork:catchyourselfprocrastinating. Asmentionedearlier,manypeopleenterakindoftrancewhentheyprocrastinate thattranceisthewholepointoftheprocrastination,really,asitallowsyoutoavoid doingyourworkwithoutexperiencingguiltorshame.(Thosecomelater,whenyoulook backatyourwastedday.)Whenyoureinthattrance,youreonlydimlyawareofwhat
youaredoing,andthehoursjustseemtomeltaway. Somepeopledontentertoodeeplyintothattrance.Theycanbeinthemiddleof anunscheduledvideogameandthink,Oops!Improcrastinating.Ifyoucandothat relativelyquickly,thenyouvecompletedthisstep. If,however,youareoneofthemanypeoplewhoreallyzonesout,itmaytake sometimeandpracticeforyoutoreliablycatchyourselfearlyonintheactof procrastinating.Onethingthatmayhelpistogetintothehabitofaskingyourself,at fifteenorthirtyminuteintervals,AmIdoingwhatImsupposedtobedoing,oramI procrastinating? Keepworkingatit,andeventuallyyoullbeabletoquicklyandreliablycatch yourselfintheactofprocrastinating. Step#3.Dontcriticize,blameorshameyourself! Becareful,inthisvulnerablemoment,nottoNOTlapseintomean mommy/daddytypeselfcriticism.Youknowwhyyoushouldntdoit,sojustbecareful thatyoudont.Insteadofcriticizingyourself,beanobjective,compassionateobserverof yourownsituation.Tellyourself,Oh,Improcrastinating.Donotevenaddamildly negativephrasesuchas,Toobad. Step#4.Startjournaling. Nowisthetimetofigureoutpreciselywhyyouneededtoprocrastinateatthis moment.Yourmaintoolfordoingsoisjournaling,whichwillhelpyou,(a)defuseyour panic,(b)characterizetheprecisenatureofyourobstacles,and(c)comeupwith solutionsforovercomingthoseobstacles.Journalingisnthard,butthereareafewtricks toitthatIllsharewithyouinthenextchapter.Theimportantthingtonotehereisthat themomentyoucatchyourselfprocrastinating,youshouldstopwhateveryouaredoing andbeginjournaling.Ifyoudontliketowrite,youcandictateanaudiojournalintoa taperecorder,orcallafriendandhaveafocusedandanalyticalconversationwithhimor her.Butwritingoffersimportantadvantagesovertheothermethods,nottheleastof whichisconvenience,sopleaseatleasttryit. Therearemanywaysofjournaling,incidentally,buttheoneIwantyouIwant youtodohereistheuninhibitedstreamofconsciousnesstypejournalingthatisalso sometimescalledfreewriting.Itbasicallydumpsyourthoughtsandfeelings,in undiluted,uncensoredformat,ontothepage(orscreen).Forthiskindofjournaling, spellingandgrammardontmatter:justgeteverythingdownashonestlyandasfastas youcan. Ifyouaredesperatetogetsomeworkdone,youmaybereluctanttostopand
journal,andjournalingmayevenseemlikeawasteoftime.Inreality,however, journalingistheverybestuseofyourtime,asitisyourmaintoolforsolvingyour procrastinationproblem.Thetimeyouinvestinjournalingnowwillbereturnedtoyoua hundredfoldormore,onceyoustarttoovercomeyourprocrastinationproblemandwork moreproductively. ****** NOTE:Steps5a,5b,and5callhappensimultaneouslywhileyourejournaling. ****** Step#5a.Defuseyourpanic. AsdiscussedintheChapter19,youcantsolveproblemswhilepanicked.Soyour firststep,beforegettingdownanddirtywithyourprocrastinationproblem,istodefuse anypanicyoumaybeexperiencing. Fortunately,journalingisamiraclecureforpanic.Thesimpleactofwriting downyourproblemisoftenallittakestorelievealotoftheanxietyandpanic surroundingit.Afterajournalingsession,youshouldfeelmentallyandevenphysically morerelaxed. Journalingis,infact,powerfullyhealing.Itsawayofgivingyourselfthetime, attentionandrespectmostofuscravebutnevergetenoughof.Italsoprovidesawayfor youtoreallyfocusinonyourproblems,whichempowersyoutosolvethem.Itsno wonderthatjournalingisanacceptedtherapeutictoolforworkingwithmanytypesof distressedpeople,includingcancersurvivors,victimsofviolentcrime,troubledteensand peopleinjail. Journalingyourselftoacalm,centered,reflectivestateofmindcantakeafew minutes,afewhours,ormanyhours(maybe,spreadoveraweekend):theimportant thingisnottorushit.Ifyouarejournalingforalongtimewithfear,confusionorother strongemotions,orlong,analyticalexplorationsofyoursituation,historyandneeds pouringoutofyouandontothepageitsbecauseyouneedto.Dontbeimpatient:trust theprocessandunderstandthatthisintensivejournalingphaseisveryimportantand probablywontlastlong.IfyoukeeppracticingtheFearDefeatingProcesswhenyou feelafraid,youshouldquicklybecomelesspronetopanic,andmorequicklyableto recoverfromitandthushavelessandlesstojournalabout.Youwillthenbeusing journalingmainlyforitsanalyticalandproblemsolvingbenefits(5band5c),butthat typicallytakesmuchlesstime,andeventuallywontbeneededmuch,either.
****** ImportantNoteJournalingsometimesuncoversmemoriesthatwecanhavetrouble handling,includingmemoriesofchildhoodabuse.Itcanalsoforceourattentiontoissues thatwehavebeenindenialover,usuallybecausetheyarepainful.Eithereventcanbe traumatic.Ifjournalingisnthelpingtocalmyoudownbut,rather,ismakingyoumore upset,orifitisraisingissuesthatyouarenotsureyoucanhandle,seeatherapistorother specialist.Youmayevenwishtoconsultatherapistbeforeyoustartjournaling,ifyouare concernedabouthowtheprocesswillaffectyou. ****** Step#5b.Characterizeyourobstacles. Atthesametimeyouvebeencalmingdown,youvealso,inyourjournal,been creatingasnapshotofyourmentalstate.Thissnapshotislikelytotellyouexactlywhy youreprocrastinatingi.e.,theprecisenatureofyourobstacles. Itsimportanttocharacterizeobstaclespreciselybecausethemorepreciselyyou characterizethem,themorefocusedandeffectiveasolutionyoucancomeupwith. Tryingtosolveaproblemyouhaventfullycharacterizedisanexerciseinfutilityin fact,itsprobablywhatyouvebeendoingalltheseyearswhenworkingonyour problemsoflaziness,lackofdiscipline,etc.Allofthateffort,directedatthewrong targets,didntsolveyourprocrastinationproblem,didit? Useyourjournaltocreatealistofthespecificobstaclesthatarepreventingyou fromcontinuingwithyourworkatthismoment.Theresagoodchancethatthelistwill includeoneormoreoftheBigFour:perfectionism,negativity,hypersensitivityand panic. AndalsoagoodchanceitwillcontainoneormoreLogisticalorSituational obstacles.Forinstance,supposeyoushouldhavebeenwritingaschoolpaper,butinstead spentthepasthourdoingotherstuff.Inthecourseofyourjournaling,youdiscoverthat thereasonsyouhaventbeenwritingareoneormoreofthefollowing: *Youhatetowrite,andhaveneverbeenconfidentofyourwritingskills. *Youareprettysureyouwontdowellonthepaper,sothewholeprojectseems futileandawasteoftime. *Youhatetheclassand/orteacher,andthatdemotivatesyou. *Youneededsomelibrarybookstocompletetheproject,butsomeoneelsehas checkedthemout. *Yourroommatesareallouthavingfun,andyoufeelcheatedathavingtostayin
andwork. *Youhadaseriousfightwithyourgirlfriend,yesterday,andhaventheardfrom hersince.Thatsworryingyou. *Youandyourgirlfriendaremadlyinlove,whichinterfereswithyourabilityto focusonthisproject. *Yourenotfeelingwell. *Yourcomputerkeepscrashing. TheseareallLogisticalorSituationalObstacles,althoughsomehintatoneor moreBigFourunderneath.Forinstance,hatetowritecouldeasilybegroundedin perfectionism.Thefactthatthesolutiontomanyoftheselogisticalorsituational obstaclesissimple,oreventrivial,Illdiscussbelow. First,however,Iwanttobeveryclearthatalloftheaboveobstaclesarenotjust reasonable,butunderstandableandforgivable.Inotherwords:nothingtobeashamedof. Thisshouldntbeusedasalicensetoprocrastinate,however.Toliveahappy,successful life,youmustlearntopersevereinthefaceofstressormisfortune. Step5c.Designasolutionforovercomingyourobstacles. ThesolutiontotheBigFourobstaclesis,asdiscussedinChapters15through18, toreplacedysfunctionalthoughtsandbehaviorswithfunctionalones. Onceyoudothat,andonceyoudefuseyourpanic,youmaybeabletoeasily overcomeyourLogisticalandSituationalObstacles.Whatsamazing,actually,ishow oftenevenseeminglyunvanquishableobstaclesturnouttoberathereasilysolved,once theyareexposedtothelightofdayviajournaling.ItslikeinTheWizardofOz,when TotopullsbackthecurtainandrevealstheAlmightyOztobeaflimflamman.Pullback thecurtainofyourpanicandantiproductivethinking,andyourtoughestobstaclesare oftenrevealedtobesmallandeasilysolved. TorepeatJerryWeinbergsdictum:Theproblemisnottheproblem.The problemisyourreactiontotheproblem.So: *Youhatetowrite,andhaveneverbeenconfidentofyourwritingskills,SOaska friendtoedityourwriting. *Youareprettysureyouwontdowell,SOconsultyourprofessor,atechnical assistant,librarian,oranyoneelsewhocouldgiveyouperspectiveandguidance. *Youhatetheclassorteacher,SOtrytoseethebigpictureaboutwhatbrought youtotheclasstostartwith,andwhythesubjectismeaningfultoyou.Inotherwords, worktoreattachyourselftoyourpassionforthesubject,andthat,inturn,shouldhelp remotivateyou.Extrapoints,bytheway,ifyoucancomeupwithsomegoodthingsto
sayabouttheclassandteacher. *Youreupsetaboutthefightwithyourgirlfriend,SOcallherbrieflyandpatch thingsup.Dontgetsuckedbackintowhateverfightyouwerehaving;thepurposeof thiscallisnottoarguebuttoremindbothofyouabouthowmuchyoucareforherand thatyouintendtoworkthingsoutwithher.Afteryouvebothcalmeddown,explainto herhowthefightisinterferingwithyourabilitytowriteyourpaper,andenlisthercaring help. *Etc. Yoursituationalobstacles,asdiscussedearlier,tendtoinvolveotherpeopleor circumstancesoutsideyourcontrol.Assuch,theytendtobehardertoovercomethanthe otherobstacles,andthestepsyouneedtotaketodosocanbepainful.If,forinstance,the situationalobstacleisahealthproblem,thesolutionmaybetomakeanappointmentwith yourdoctor.(Expensive,timeconsumingandscary.)Ifitsatroubledrelationship,you mighthaveafranktalkwithyourpartner,orplantoconsultacouplescounselor.(Ditto.) Goaheadanduseyourjournaltodesigndetailedsolutionstoyourlogisticaland situationalobstacles. Atthesametimeyouworktocharacterizeyourimmediateobstacle,alsolookfor workpatternsthathelporhinderyourproductivity.Doyou,likemanypeople,have troublegettingstarted?Areyoumorefocusedandlessdistractableinthemornings, afternoonsorevenings?Aresomepartsofyourprojectsmucheasierthanotherparts, andthereforebetterplacestostart?Doyouhaveatendencytowardrigidityor stubbornnessthatcausesyoutogetstuckatcertainpointsinyourwork?Thiskindof informationaboutyourworkhabitsisextremelyvaluable,sinceitenablesyouto optimizeyourschedulingandthewayyouapproachyourwork. Step#6.Starttoimplementthesolutionand(optional)returntoyourpath. Yourgoalhereistoimplementjustenoughofthesolutionyouvedesignedso thatyoucancalmdownenoughtoreturntoyourdailyschedule(a.k.a.,dailypath).You dontwantthesolutionitselftobecomeaformofprocrastination,afterall. Sometimes,justwritingouttheproblemindetailisenoughtogetyoubackon yourpath... Or,writingoutthesolution... Or,makingaphonecallortwo... Or,takingsomemoresubstantiveandtimeconsumingsteps... Again,theresnowrongwaytodothis,andyoushouldtakeasmuchtimeasyou need,especiallyearlyon.Eventually,however,youshouldbeabletoreturnbacktoyour pathinlessandlesstime.
Step#7.Celebrateyourvictory. Itdoesntmatterwhetheryouvereturnedfullytoyourpathornot.Ifyouve madeitthisfarintheprocess,youarevictorious.Youarefinallygrapplingwithyour procrastinationprobleminameaningfulway,afteryearsorperhapsdecadesoffearand dithering.Thatsahugestep,andyoushouldgiveyourselfhugeamountsofcreditforit. Ifyoudontbelievemeifyouthinkthatonlyaclearwinagainstyour procrastinationproblemisworthcelebratingthenpleasegobackandrereadChapters15 (perfectionism)and20(meanmommy/daddy). AsIvementionedrepeatedly,itisimportanttocelebrateeverysmall achievementorvictoryineveryareaofyourlife.Mostofusgrowupoppressedbytoo muchnegativityandcriticism,andwecontinuetobeoppressedbythoseinadulthood.It isuptoustocounteractthatnegativitybothforourselvesandthosearoundus. So,congratulateyourselfalot.Callupagoodfriendandboastofyour achievement.Treatyourselftoamovie,CD,bubblebathorsinfuldessert.Orallthree! Makeafuss:ifyoudont,whowill? Thisisnotmerelyanexerciseinfeelinggood,althoughthatinandofitselfisa worthwhilegoal.Celebratingyourselfalsohelpsyouownyourvictoryandtheskills thatwentintoachievingit,sothatyouhavethatmemoryandthoseskillsreadily availablethenexttimeyoudobattlewithyouroldnemesis,procrastination. Step#8.Repeatasneeded. Evenif,thistimearound,youscoreaspectacularsuccessmeaning,youareable toquicklydefuseyourpanic,overcomeyourobstacle(s),andreturntoyourpathyou shouldntconsideryourprocrastinationproblemlicked.Procrastinationisawily, persistentenemy:itwillreturn.So,bepreparedtorepeatthisprocessasoftenasittakes andoccasionallythroughoutyourentirelife.Restassured,however,thatbypersisting youwillgetto... Step#9.Watchchangehappen! WhenIteachmystudentsthesetechniquesfordefeatingtheirfearbased procrastination,manybegintomakeamazinglyfastprogressattheirgoals.Thats because,incontrasttotheirnegativeselfimageofbeinglazy,undisciplinedor uncommitted,theyareactuallyhighlyenergetic,highlydisciplinedandhighly committed.Theproblem,asdiscussedearlier,isthattheyweretryingtosolvethewrong problem(s).Oncetheystarttryingtosolvetherightonetheirfears,obstaclesandpanic manyshootaheadlikearrowstowardtheirgoals,oftenmakingmoreprogressinafew
weeksthantheyhadinyears.Thatsbecausebeatingprocrastinationisanactofprofound selfliberationthathelpsyouredefineyourselfandyourpossibilities. Selfliberationisanexcitingjourneytomakeandaninspirationalonetowitness. Ihavenodoubtthatmanyreadersofthisebookarepoisedtomakethatjourneywithina veryshorttime.Thetrick,paradoxically,istoapplythetechniquesIdiscussinavery patientway,sothattherearefewornoopportunitiesfordisappointment,fear,andthe meanmommy/daddydialogthatfeartendstodraginitswake. Now,ontojournalingandothertoolsforchange...
Chapter27. ToolsforChangeI:Journaling
Therearefourmaintoolsyoucanusetohelpyoudefeatyourfearsandspur personalgrowth:Journaling,Therapy,SelfCareandaCreatedCommunity.Idiscuss theseinthisandthenexttwochapters. Journalingwouldseemliketheeasiestthingintheworldanditis!Journalingis justthewritingdownofyourthoughtsandfeelingsatanygivenmomentinasmuch detail,andwithaslittleinhibitionorcensorship,aspossible.ThekindofjournalingI meanissometimescalledfreewriting,automaticwriting,orstreamof consciousnesswriting.Allofthesetermsarefinebyme.WhatIdontmeanby journalingiskeepingachronologicalcalendardetailingtheeventsinyourlife.Inother words,Idontcareabouttheeventsthemselves,somuchasyourthoughtsand, especially,yourfeelingssurroundingthem. TheJournalingArc Youllrecallhow,inthelastchapter,Isaidthatjournalingcalmsyoumentally andphysically.Thatsdefinitelythewayitisforme.WhenIstartjournaling,especially whenImupsetorangry,Itendtotypelikeademon,andmysentencesareshort,almost fragmentary,asinthishypotheticalexample: DamnImupset!Icantstandit!Idontknowwhattodo!IwanttokillFrank.I hatehim.Icantbelievehestoodmeupforthatmeeting.Whatajerk.AndI guessImajerk,too....
Mysentencesareshortbecausemyangerispreventingmefromholdingathoughtfor verylong.(Yourjournalingreallyisawindowintoyouremotionalstate.)Bytheendof ahalfhour,orhour,orthreehours,ofjournaling,however,Immuchmorerelaxedand incontrol,anditshowsinmysentences: Well,somethingobviouslyhappenedtoFrank.AssoonasIfinishthis,Illgive himacalltomakesurehesOK.Itsnotlikehesalwaysunreliablealthough, thetruthbetold,hesnotthemostdependableofguys.Still,hesgotother virtues:hereallysticksupformewhenLizgetsonmycase,andhewasreally terrificduringthatprojectweworkedonlastsummer.AndIguesshesgoing throughadifficulttimewithhisgirlfriendhetoldmethat.Infact,nowthatI thinkaboutit,hedidaskmetocuthimsomeslack.Thatsnoexcuseforbeinga noshow,ofcourse,butmaybeinthefuture,Illtaketheprecautionofcallinghim beforehandtoremindhimofmeetings.... Notenotjustthecalmnessandlongersentences,butthemorecontextualized, compassionate,accurateviewofFrankandhissituation.Note,also,theeasytransitionto problemsolving(callingFrankbeforemeetings). Icallthepathonetravelsinonesjournalfromfear,angerandblaming,to calmness,controlandcompassionthejournalingarc.Youwillprobablynoticea similararcinyourownjournalentries.Lookforit,anduseittotrackyouremotional growthduringeachjournalingsession,andthroughoutyourcareer. TipsforEffectiveJournaling Herearesometipstohelpyoujournal: Speediskey.Thefasteryouwrite,thebetter,becausefastwritingleaveslittle timeforselfcensorshipandrationalizations.Justgetyourfeelingsandthoughtsdown, anddontstoptothinkorponder.Dontworryaboutspellingorgrammar;instead,focus onthesoftheartvoiceinsideyouthatistellingthetruth,butthatyoumayoften overwhelmwithrationalization,andgetitdownonpaper. Anymediumandformatarefine.Acomputer,asheetofpaper,adinnernapkin theyreallokay.Ifyoudontliketowrite,trytalkingintoataperecorder.Also, paragraphs,lists,oranyotherformatisalsofinesolongastheformatdoesntinterfere withyourprimarygoalofwritingfreelyandhonestly. Themorethemerrier.Asdiscussedinthelastchapter,youwanttostart
journalingatthemomentyoucatchyourselfprocrastinating,becauseyouthenhavethe bestchanceofcapturingandcharacterizingthepreciseproblem.Butyoucanjournalat othertimes,aswell.Somepeoplejournalfirstthingeverymorning,orlastthingevery night,asaformofmeditationandreflection.Othersjournalatoddtimeswheneverthe moodstrikesthem,andstillotherssetasideafewhourseveryweekormonth.Whatever worksforyouisfine. Guyscanjournal,too.Inmyclasses,thereareusuallyplentyofmenreceptiveto theideaofjournaling,butalsoplentyofotherswhothinkitsasissywaytospendtheir time.Ifyouareaguy(orgal,forthatmatter)withthatprejudice,Iurgeyoutogetoverit. Manyofhistorysmostfamousmalescholars,statesmen,andscientists,amongothers, sawkeepingajournal,orconductinganextensive,selfreflectivecorrespondence,asan essentialpartoftheirquesttoleadacivilizedandaccomplishedlife.Youshould,too. Dontshowyourjournaltoanyone.Toensurethatyoutellthewhole, unvarnished,oftenembarrassingandoftenpainfultruth,makesureyoukeepyourjournal private. Dontrushit:whenyouredone,youredone.Writeuntilyourewrittenout andcanthinkofnothingfurthertosay.Thismaytakeafewminutes,afewhours,oran entiredayorweekend.Howeverlongittakes,dontrushit:ifyouvegotalottowrite,it meansyouvegotalottosay. Thatsitforjournaling!Tryitout!
Chapter28 ToolsforChangeII:TherapyandSelfCare
Gototherapy!Itellmyclasses. ThereactionIgetisinteresting.Mostofthetime,thestudentsgiggleinan embarrassedway.Sometimes,theclassgoesdeadquiet,asifpeoplearetooembarrassed eventogiggle. Therapyverymuchremainsataboosubject.Manypeopleareashamedtoadmit thattheyareintherapy. Notme.Ihavebeenintherapy,onandoff,fortwodecades,andtherapyhasbeen amongthebestinvestmentsIevermade.Ithashelpedmegetpasttheproblemsinmy lifemuchfasterthanIcouldhaveeverdoneonmyown. Notsurprisingly,Ithinktherapyiswonderful.Ithinkeveryoneshouldbein therapy.Seriously:everyone,atleastonceintheirlives.Weallcarryaroundemotional
baggagefromourchildhood,andevenwithoutalotofbaggage,lifeisoftendifficultand stressful.Also,Ithinkambitiousdreamershaveittougherthanmanyotherpeople becauseoftheinnatedifficultyofourmissionsandthelackofsocietaland(often) familialsupport.Theseareallgoodreasonstoseeatherapist. Somepeoplethinkthatseeingatherapistisasignofweakness,butnothingcould befartherfromthetruth.Seeingatherapistisasignthatyouhavethestrengthtoadmit to,andworkon,yourproblems.Thatswhysomanysuccessfulpeopleseeatherapist andarequiteunashamedofthefact.Theyseetherapyassimplyonemoretooltheyare usingtobuildtheirsuccess. Somepeoplemightprefertoconsultaspiritualadvisororsomeotherkindof professional.Ihavenoproblemwiththat,butwouldurgeyoutoseeatherapistin additiontowhomeverelseyousee,atleastforawhile.Anotherpossibilityforreadersof thisebookisalife/careercoachwho,likemyself,specializesinaddressingproblems relatedtoprocrastinationandblocks.Butsuchapersonmaynotbeabletohelpyouwith relationshipproblems,addictionandothersituationalobstacles,unlessheorshealso happenstobeatrainedandlicensedtherapistwhospecializesinthoseproblems. ThePulitzerprizewinningwriterRichardRhodesdrawsadirectlinebetweenhis therapy(forposttraumaticstresssyndromeresultingfromanabusivechildhood)andhis professionalsuccess: Istartedtherapyformyself,notforwriting,butitwasthroughthatprocessthat thebreakthroughcame....Sevenyearsoftherapywasnomoreexpensivethan graduateschoolwouldhavebeen,andIvecometothinkoftherapyasgraduate schoolfortheemotions(orwasitremedial?).WhenIgroanedattheexpense,my therapist,agoodmantrainedattheMenningerClinic,expressedthehopethat therapywouldpayforitself.SinceIvemadeagoodlivingwritingnowformore thantwentyyears,itdid.RichardRhodes,HowtoWrite:Adviceand Reflections(Quill,1995) IdontknowaboutRhodes,butonereasontherapyworkedformewasthatI madeitoneofmytoppriorities.Nothingexceptarealemergencywouldcausemeto missatherapysession,andIalwaystookmytherapistsrecommendationsveryseriously. ThatsbecauseIsawthattheinsightsandlessonsIwaslearningintherapycouldhelpme inalloftheimportantareasofmylife. SoIurgeyoutotrytherapyorcoaching.Thisisparticularlytrueifyouhavebeen thinkingaboutit,butdithering.Stopdithering,andgooutandfindsomeone.Shop carefully,andifthefirstone(ortwoorthree)professionalsyoutrydontfeellikeagood
fit,keeplooking.Thedifferencebetweenagoodtherapistorcoachandagreatone,in termsofbeingabletocatalyzeyoursuccessandhappiness,isenormous. SelfCare Asmytherapistshavetaughtme,selfcareshouldcomebeforeeverythingexcept emergencies.Ifyourphysicaloremotionalbeingisnothealthy,thenyoucanthopetobe productive,especiallyatanambitiousdream.Itisalsohardtotakecareofothers,or advocateforthem,whenyourownneedsaregoingunmet. So,takecareofyourself,anddontdenyyourphysical,emotionalandmaterial needs.Theactofdiscoveringandmeetingthoseneedsformsthefoundationofahappy andproductivelife.Scheduleregularappointmentswithyourdoctor,dentistand ophthalmologist.Eatnutritiousmeals,getplentyofexercise,andgetlotsofsleep.Make sureyourhomeandworkspacearemaintainedinawaythatsconducivetoyour happiness,peaceandproductivity. Dealwithyourissues.Ifyouvegotattentiondeficitdisorder(ADD),attention deficithyperactivitydisorder(ADHD),obsessivecompulsivedisorder(OCD), depression,addiction,orbipolardisorder(formerlycalledmanicdepression),be persistentinseekingoutthebestqualitymedicalortherapeutichelpyoucanfindfor theseconditions.Andthendowhattheprofessionaltellsyou!Nothing,inmyexperience, inhibitssuccessmore,orleadstomoreunhappiness,thanoneoftheseconditionsleft untreated.Askyourdoctorortherapistspecificallywhatstepsyoucantakesothatyour conditionhasaslimitedaspossibleanimpactonyourabilitytoachieveyourambitious dream. Selfcaredoesnthavetobeamajoreffortorexpense:itcanbeassimpleas takingtimeoutforamovie,amealwithfriends,orawalkinthepark.Itcanalsobe buyingacolorfulnewsweater,ortakingataxiinsteadofabusonceinawhile.Thekey istogenerallytreatyourselfwell,andalsotogiveyourselflittletreatsasoftenas possibleonceadayormoreisgreatwithoutexperiencingeventheslightesttwingeof guilt.Treatyourselfwellwheneveryouvehadasuccess,nomatterhowminor,and treatyourselfespeciallywellwheneveryouvehadafailureordisappointment.And treatyourselfwellwheneveryoufeellikeit,justfortheheckofit. Justtreatyourselfwell,OK?
Chapter29.
ToolsforChange:ACreatedCommunity
Asyouhaveheardmesayearlier,akeyfactorseparatingsuccessfulfrom unsuccessfulpeopleisthattheformersurroundthemselveswithsupportive,encouraging people,whilethelatterareoftenmorelikelytotolerateskepticsandnaysayersintheir lives.Whomwechoosetoassociatewithisoneofourmostcruciallifedecisions,notjust becausenegativepeopledragusdown,butbecausewetendtoliveup,ordown,tothe expectationsofthosearoundus.Itsawonderfulthingwhenthosearoundushavehigh (butnottoohigh)expectationsforus,especiallyiftheyareactivelyinvolvedinhelping usreachourpotential.Conversely,itsalmostimpossibletomaintainapositiveviewof oneself,ortosucceedatanything,whensurroundedbypeoplewhoconstantlycriticizeus orputusdown. Gettingridofnaysayersisonlyhalfofthebattle,however.Youneedtoreplace themwithasupportivecommunity.Dontmakethemistakeofthinkingthatthis communitywillmagicallyaccruearoundyouifyoujustdoyourownthing.Youneedto createyourcommunity,andmanageit. ThemajorcategoriesofpeopleyouwantinyourCreatedCommunityinclude mentors,family,friends,colleaguesandhelpingprofessionals.Mentorsisavery importanttopicthatIdiscussseparatelyinthefollowingchapter,butIdiscusstheother categoriesbrieflybelow. Family Familyissuchadelicatetopic,sincemanyofushavefamilieswhoarehostileto ourvaluesandlifechoices.Ihearmoreanguishfromstudentsonthesubjectoffamilies thananythingelse. Weareallfamiliarwiththetraditionalnucleartypefamilyconsistingofaspouse orpartner,andperhapsalsosomekidsorcompanionanimals.Ifthisisthekindoffamily youaspireto,pleasemakesurethatyourspouseorpartneris100percentsupportiveof yourmission.Anunsupportivespouseisoneofthemostpainful,andhardesttosolve, situationalobstacles. Manyambitiousdreamerscreateadifferentkindoffamilyinplaceof,orin additionto,thenuclearone.Thatoftenconsistsofagroupofveryspecialfriendswhose majorvaluestheyshare,andwhomtheyknowwillsupportthemingoodtimesandbad, andwhomthey,inturn,committosupporting.Thiscanbeaninformal,orformalized, familyrelationship. Especiallyifyouaredistancedfromyourbirthfamily,itisveryimportantforyou
tocreatesomekindoffamilyforyourself.Althoughrareindividualsareabletothrive withoutone,mostofuscannot,andwesufferiftry. Friends Peoplearesocialtovaryingdegrees,andsoyoumayseekoutonlyafewvery closefriendsorawidercircle.EitherisOK,providedyourrelationshipsarehealthyand dontinterferewithyourpersonalgrowthandsuccess.Justthreereminders: 1.Apartyanimallifestyleisgenerallyincompatiblewithsuccessatan ambitiousendeavor; 2.Soisadoormat/gotopersonlifestyleinwhichyoucannotorwillnotsay Notorequeststhatconflictwithyourmission,orinterferewithyourabilitytoattainit. And, 3.Someonewhounderminesorharshlycriticizesyouisnotafriend,regardlessof whattheysaytheirmotivesare.Friendshavearesponsibilitynotjusttoobjectivelystate thetruthincluding,perhaps,unpleasanttruthsbuttodosoinacompassionate, supportiveway.Theyalsohavearesponsibilitytopraiseyouandacknowledgeyour achievements. Wonderfulfriendshipsnotonlybringlightandcolortoourlives,theysustainus throughtheinevitabledarkmoments.Dontsettleforless! Colleagues Itsasadfactthatsomeofthepeoplewhotreatambitiousdreamersworstare colleagueswho,intheoryatleast,shouldsharetheirworldviewandgoals.Thisproblem seemsparticularlyprevalentinthearts,activistandacademicrealms. Theruleissimple:dontletanyoneabuseyou.Thisincludesotherdreamers,and Idontcarehowillustrioustheirachievementsorcredentialsare,orhowaweinspiring theirintellectualframework.Recognizethatitispossible,andalltoocommon,for someonetobehighlyeffectiveandevolvedinsomeareasoflife,andhighineffectiveand unevolvedinothers. Manyactivist,artsandacademicorganizationsarebadlyrun,andalsotreattheir employeesandvolunteersbadly.Ifyouhaveapositioninsuchanorganization,leaveit. Dontworry:anotheropportunitytoworkinthefieldwillalmostinevitablypresentitself andifitdoesnt,itsstilltherightchoicetoleaveanabusivesituation. Ifacolleaguecriticizesyouharshlyforbeinginsufficientlycommittedor dedicated,orforanyotherreason,ignoreher.Dontwastetimetryingtohelpher
comprehendtherootsofherintoleranceandhostility:itsajobforatherapist,anyway. And,needlesstosay,dontabuseorattackothers.PhilosopherPhiloof Alexandriasadviceisparticularlyapt,here:Bekind,foreveryoneyoumeetisfighting agreatbattle.Recognizethatyourangerandintoleranceprobablystemfromchildhood, andthatyoumaybeusingyourprofessionalzealasarationalizationtosupportthis engraineddefensivebehavior.Assomeonewhohasspentyearsdealingwithherown angerissues,Iurgeyoutodealwithyours,notjustforyourownsake,butthatofthose aroundyou. HelpingProfessionals Byhelpingprofessionals,Imean,firstofall,adoctor,therapist(orcoach), dentistandophthalmologist.Then,perhaps,anutritionist,massagetherapist, acupuncturist,spiritualadvisororanyoneelseyoufeelyoushouldconsultaboutyour physicalandmentalhealth. Ialsomeangoodpersonalfinanceandinsurancehelp.Youmaynotliketofocus ontheseissues,buttheyexistwhetheryoufocusonthemornot,andignoringthem invariablyleadstotrouble.Youmayhavetohiresomeonewiththeseformsofexpertise, ormaybeyoucanconsultwithaknowledgeablefamilymember,coworkerorfriendfor free.Justmakesureyouregettingqualityadviceandgettingitaspartofyourlife planning,notonlyafteryoufindyourselfinajam.
Chapter30. FindingandCultivatingMentors
Mentorsarepeoplewhohavealreadyachievedsomeofthethingsyouwantto achieve.Theyarewhereyouhopetobenextyear,fiveyearsfromnow,ortwentyyears fromnow.Andtheyareavailable,andwilling,totellyouhowtogetthere,andtohelp youalongtheway. Mentorstypicallyofferoneormoreofthefollowingbenefits: *Information.Becausetheyvedonewhatyouaretryingtodo,theyhavealotof knowledgeabouthowtodoit. *Wisdom.Theydontjusthavetheinformation;theyknowhowtoapplyit.They haveagoodgraspofthebigpicture,ofstrategy,andofwhatcangorightandwrongas youpursueyourambitiousdream.
*Opportunities.Mentorsoftenknowaboutjobs,grantsandotheropportunities thatcanhelpyou. *Contacts.Thisisaveryimportant,andunderrated,contributionofmentors. Theyoftenknowlotsofpeople,andtheyoftenknowimportant,influentialpeople.Your mentorscontactscanbeofenormoushelptoyouasyoubuildyourcareer. Mentorsareprobablythemostpowerfulsuccesscatalystaround,meaningthat theycanhelpyoureachyourgoalsfasterthananythingelse.Therightmentorcan literallytakeyearsorevendecadesoffthetimeittakesyoutosucceed,and,without mentors,youarealmostcertainlydoomedtotimewastingandfrustration. Findingandcultivatingmentorsshouldbeaprimarygoalofallambitious dreamers.Yourenevertoosuccessfuloraccomplishedtoneedmentors. Hereshowtofindandworkwiththem. WhoAreMentors? Somepeoplemaybementorsforyouinonearea(e.g.,art,oryouracademic field),whileothersmaybementorsinanother(e.g.,careerstrategy).Somemightbe expertsinanimportantalliedfield,suchashightechorpublicrelations.Youshouldhave asmanymentorsaspossibleinasmanydifferentspecialtiesorfieldsthatarerelevantto yourcareeraspossible.Youshouldalsohavementorsforyourpersonallife:fordating, marriage,parenting,homeownership,finances,healthandfitness,etc. Allofyourmentorsshouldnotjusthavespecificinformationandotherresources thatyouneed,butalsobethekindofpeoplewholiketohelp.Inotherwords,theyshould understand,andenjoy,theprocessofmentoring. Anyoneandeveryonewhomeetsthesecriteriacouldbeamentor.Althoughmany teachers,bossesandotherauthorityfiguresarenaturalchoices,youshouldcastaswidea netaspossible.SomeofmymostimportantmentorsarepeoplewhoareyoungerthanI am,butwhohaveknowledge,experienceandskillsIlack.Othersareformerstudentsor coachingclients.Iamgratefulformentoringfromwhateversourceitcomes. HowtoEstablishaMentorRelationship Belowareexamplesofthewrongandrightwaytoestablishamentor relationship: WrongWay:Ianisattendingareceptionatanactivistconferencewhenhespots thecelebratedactivistJaneSmithacrosstheroom.Hesalwaysreveredherandnow,he thinks,ishischancetomeether.So,hebarrelsacrosstheroomandintroduceshimselfto
herandsayshesalwaysadmiredherandherwork.Shethankshim,butthenhecant thinkofanythingelsetosay.Theconversationlanguishes,andafterafewmomentsshe excusesherselftotalkwithsomeoneelse. Notveryencouraging,butitcouldhavebeenworse.HadIannaivelysaid, Wouldyoubemymentor?Janewouldhaveprobablybeensurprised,andthengiven himapoliterefusal.Youcantgoaroundaskingstrangerswhomyouvejustmetto mentoryou,justasyoucantgoaroundaskingthemtomarryyou.Bothrelationships implyaseriouslongtermcommitment,andshouldbeapproachedwithcare.Evenifthe potentialmentorissomeonewhoalreadyknowsandlikesyou,thewordmentorcan implymoreofaserious,longtermcommitmentthanshemaybereadyfor. Heresabetterwaytogetsomeoneonboardasamentor: RightWay:Anotheractivist,Pete,studiedtheattendeelistattheconference beforecoming.NotingthatJaneSmithwouldbethere,hedecidedtointroducehimselfto herduringthereception.Beforeshowingup,hereviewedhermostrecentwritingsand foundanarticleofhersthatheparticularlyliked.Hegaveitsomethoughtandcameup withsomefollowupquestionsorpointsaboutit. Duringhisresearch,hediscoveredthatanactivistheknowsquitewellisactually friendswithJane,andsohegotthatactivisttoagreetocometothereceptionwithhim andintroducehim. Whenitcametimetoactuallyattendthereception,Petedressedwithcare, skewingtowardsamoreprofessionallook. Atthereception,hisfriendmadetheintroduction,andPetetoldJanehowmuch helikedherwork,andthatonearticleinparticular.Hespokeinarelaxedvoiceand didntrambleonandon.(Hehadrehearsedaheadoftime.)Thenheaskedhisquestions. Janeappreciatedhisinterest,andfoundhisquestionsinsightful,andsowashappytotalk withhim. Theconversationcontinuedforafewminutes.ThenPetesaid:Thishasbeena greatconversation,butIknowyourebusy,andtherearelotsofpeopleherewhowantto talkwithyou.Idontwanttomonopolizeyourtime.ButImworkingonafairhousing campaignthatsverysimilartotheoneyouraninCincinnati,andwerehavingtrouble gettingtheattentionofthelocallegislators.WoulditbeokayifIcontactedyouafterthe conferencetogetsomeadviceonthis? Janegavehimherbusinesscardandinvitedhimtogetintouch. JaneisnotyetamentorforPete,butshehasagreedtogivehimatleastsome assistance,whichisthefirststeptowardestablishingamentorrelationship. Petedidmanythingsright,including: *Plannedahead(studiedtheconferenceagenda).
*DidntapproachJanecold(i.e.,arrangedanintroduction). *Presentedhimselfinaprofessionalmanner. *WaspreparedhehadstudieduponJaneswork,andalsorehearsedwhathe wasgoingtosay.Peteknewthateveryfirstmeetingisanaudition. *ExpressedaveryspecificknowledgeofJaneandherwork.Manyfamousor importantpeopleareconstantlybeingapproachedbypeoplewhowanttheirhelp,but whoknowlittleaboutthemandwhattheydo.Itsadrag,anditturnsmanyofthemoff frommeetingorhelpingnewpeople.However,bydemonstratingthathereally,truly knowsandvaluesJaneandherwork,Petesethimselfapartfromthecrowd. *Wasconsciousofhersituationandrespectfulofhertime. *Madehisrequestonlyafterafriendlydialogwasestablished. *Madeanappropriaterequesti.e.,onethatwasbothwithinherfieldofexpertise andnottootimeconsuming. Oh,andbytheway,PetetookasimilarstrategicapproachwithseveralotherVIPs whowereattendingtheconference,and,asaresult,woundupwithseveralpotential mentors. WorkingwithYourMentors Youwanttostayinregulartouchwithyourmentors.Thatcouldmeanoncea month,onceeverysixmonths,onceeveryyearorevenlessoften,dependingonthe specificnatureofyourrelationship.Or,youcouldconsultyourmentorintensivelyduring aspecificprojectthatlastsaweekoramonth,andnotforawhileafterthat. Whatyoudontwanttodoisdropoutofsightandthen,whenacrisisemerges, contactyourmentorfranticallyforadvice.Ifyourmentorisnice,hewillhelpyouout, buthewilllikelyalsofeelsomewhatused. Youwantyourinteractionstobemeaningfulaboveall,youdontwantthe mentortofeelyouvewastedhistime.Thatmeansyouhaveadefinedgoalforeach interactionandshowupwellprepared. Sometimes,ifyouhaventspokenwithamentorinawhile,itsgoodtogetin touchjusttoupdatehimonyoursituationandprogress.Youcandothisthroughemail orinperson,butunlessthementoralsohappenstobeapersonalfriend,dontseekanin personmeetingunlessyouhavesomethingspecifictodiscuss. Andyouneedtobeappreciative.Thankyounotesarerequiredafterevery meaningfulexchangeorbitofassistanceyourmentorgivesyouandnotadashedoff thankyounote,butacarefullywrittenone.Notethatahandwrittennoteorcardisoften moremeaningfulandvaluedthananemail.
And,finally,youshouldalwaysseektoreciprocate.Eventhoughyoumayfeel thatyouhavelittletoofferyourmentor,thatisprobablynotthecase.Soonerorlater, youllseeanewspaperarticle,orgetsomeinformationatameeting,ormakeacontact, thatyourmentorwillfinduseful.Besuretogetthatinformationtohim.Or,youmaybe abletoassistthementorinsomedifficultprojecthesinvolvedwith.Evenifyour contributionisjustdoingsomecopying,orpickingupthebagelsandcoffeefora meeting,hewillappreciateyourwillingnesstoreciprocate. MentoringOthers Mentoring(asopposedtobeingmentored)is,asIlldiscussinChapter32,a fantasticgrowthexperience,whichiswhyalotofevenverybusypeoplewelcomethe opportunitytomentorafewselectprotgs.Thisiswhyyoushouldalsomentor. Yes,youshouldmentor!Howeverunaccomplishedyoumayfeel,youprobably havelotsofwisdomtoimpart,andtherearedefinitelypeopleouttherewhocoulduseit. So,ifsomeonecomesuptoyouseekingadviceorguidanceanditwillhappensooneror later,especiallyifyoufollowtheadviceinthisebookandyoufeelcomfortablewith themandtheirrequest,byallmeansmentorthem. Ifyoudontwanttowaituntilsomeoneapproachesyou,youcanalwaysjoina mentorprogramatanonprofitorganizationorcharity.Manyyouthprogramsandschools havementorprograms,forexample.Or,youcouldstartamentorprogramwithinyour workplaceoranotherorganizationyoubelongto.Thereisprobablynoorganizationthat wouldntbenefitfromhavingamentorprograminplace.
Chapter31. TheUltimateSolution(SolutionIII)toManagingYourFears:Develop anEmpoweredPersonality

Whenyoustartmakingprogressonyourprocrastinationproblem,your personalitywillchange.Thissoundsscary,butitisactuallyagoodthing,becauseitwill bechanginginthedirectionofgreatercalm,confidence,happinessandeffectiveness.In fact,youllbedevelopingwhatIcallanempoweredpersonality. Anempoweredpersonissomeonewhohasmadegreatstridesinconqueringher obstaclesand,asaresult,ismakinggoodprogressonherambitiousdreamandinother areasofherlife.Thereareempoweredpeopleineveryfield,andyoushouldseekthem
outandenlistthemasrolemodelsandmentors. Below,Idescribetheempoweredmindsetandcompareitwithitsopposite,the unempoweredmindset. EmpoweredPeopleversusUnempoweredPeople Empoweredpeopletendtobe... Positive Actionoriented Planningoriented Solutionoriented Optimistic Theytendto... Feelempoweredandincontrol Takeresponsibility Nottakedifficultsituationspersonally Helpothers Unempoweredpeople,incontrast,tendtobe... Negative Passive(notactionoriented) Planningaverse Blameoriented(notsolutionoriented) Pessimistic Theytendto... Feelpowerlessandoutofcontrol Evaderesponsibility Takedifficultiespersonally Nothelpothers Empoweredpeopletendtobeselfactualizedand,likeallselfactualizedpeople, tendtohaveanexpansiveworldview.Theyareathomeintheuniverseandintheirown skins,andtheirpower,passion,wisdomandtendernessmakesthemhighlyattractiveto others. Someempoweredpeoplemayevenstrikeyouastoohappyandhighenergy,if
youyourselfarelowenergyorhaventmetthatmanyempoweredpeople.(Asuresign, bytheway,thatyourehangingaroundwiththewrongcrowd....)Buthanginthereand getusedtotheenergeticnewvibe. Youshouldnthesitatetoapproachempoweredpeoplebecausemostofthem understandtheimportanceofnetworkingandmentoring.Ofcourse,youalwayswantto timeyourintroductioncarefullyandbewellpreparedfortheencounter.Remember: everyintroductionisanaudition,andempoweredpeople,becausetheyvaluetheirtime highly,tendtobeveryselectiveaboutthosewhomtheychoosetoworkwithormentor. Notethatwhilemanyempoweredpeoplearesuccessfulpeopleinthe conventionalsense,notallsuccessfulpeopleareempowered.Thereareplentyofpeople outtherewhorunlargeorganizations,commandgreatsalaries,orhavedeveloped awesomeintellectualframeworks,andyethavenotconqueredtheirinternaldemons. Theyremainsubjecttoafearbased,zerosummentalitythatcausesthemtoshutoutor, worse,exploitthosewhoareyoungerorlessexperienced,orwhomtheyperceivetobe lesspowerful.Peoplelikethatarenottrulyempoweredandshouldbeavoided.
Chapter32. WhatEmpoweredPeopleDo
Workingtoempoweryourselfisoneofthebestthingsyoucandoforyourself, othersinyourlife,andtheworldatlarge.Becomingempoweredislargelyamatterof formingcertainemotionalandbehavioralhabits.Belowisalisttogetyoustarted:as always,takeitslow,applaudthetiniestbitsofprogress,andneverbashyourselfforyour perceivedshortcomings. Empoweredpeoplebuildinfrastructurestosupporttheirsuccess.Whenyou takeajobinacorporation,youautomaticallyacquire,onyourfirstdayofwork,andwith littleornoeffortonyourpart,mostorallofthefollowing:adesk,office,computer, computerassistance,electricity,lights,abathroom,phone,schedule,rulebook,records ofyourpredecessorswork,asalary,benefits,referencebooksandothermaterials, colleagues,aboss,abosssboss,ahumanresourcesdepartment,andabudgetfor additionalpurchases. Icallallofthemoney,thingsandpeoplethatmakeitpossibleforyoutodoyour jobyoursuccessinfrastructure.Asyoucansee,successinfrastructurestendtobebig, complexandexpensive.
Pursuinganambitiousdreamisashard,orharder,thancorporatework,which meansthatyouprobablyneedanequivalent,orbetter,infrastructureforit.Ifyouwork independently,however,noonesgoingtoprovidethatinfrastructureforyou:youneed tocreateitforyourself.Thatisanongoingprocess,anditshouldbeoneofyourtop prioritiesatalltimes.Anunempoweredpersonwillsitaroundbemoaningallthe resourcesheneedsbutdoesnthave.Anempoweredperson,incontrast,willidentifya needandquicklystartworkingthephonestogetitmet.Indoingso,hecreateshis successinfrastructure. Empoweredpeopleeducatethemselves.Theyarelifelonglearners,and constantlyreading,attendingclasses,andconsultingexpertsandothers.Theyare naturallycuriousaboutawiderangeoftopics,andnotbiasedagainstsoftsubjectssuch asselfhelp. Empoweredpeoplewelcomechallenges.Manypeopleavoidchallengesandthe unknown,butempoweredpeoplewelcomethemasgrowthopportunities.Theyalso knowthatsuccessoftencomesfrompushingoneselfjustalittlebitbeyondones comfortzone.HereswhatChristopherReeve,inNothingIsImpossible:Reflections onaNewLife,hadtosayaboutcomfortzones: Thevastmajorityofpeoplelivewithinacomfortzonethatisrelativelysmall.The comfortzoneisdefinedbyfearandourperceptionofourlimitations.Weare occasionallywillingtotakesmallstepsoutsideit,butfewofusdaretoexpandit.Those whodaresometimesfailandretreat,butmanyexperiencethesatisfactionofmovinginto alargercomfortzoneandthejoyfulanticipationofmoresuccess.Apersonlivingwitha disabilitymayfindthecouragetoleavethecomfortzoneofhisownhouseforthefirst time.Anablebodiedindividualmightdecidetofaceclaustrophobiabytakingupscuba diving.Evenasourcountrytriestocopewithterrorism,mostofusknowintuitivelythat livinginfearisnotlivingatall. Fortunately,thelifeofanambitiousdreamerprovidesnoshortageof opportunitiestobechallenged.Evenworthwhilechallengescanbescary,however,which bringsusto... Empoweredpeopleanticipate,andlearntodealwith,fearandanxiety. RecallStevenPressfieldsstoryabouthowHenryFondathrewupbeforeevery performance.Forfortyyears,hethrewup;andthen,eachtime,hewentoutandgavehis
performance. Unsuccessfulpeopleoftenassumethatsuccessfulpeoplefindsuccesseasy,orare unusuallygoodatcopingwithstress.Thatsoftennotthecase,however.Successful peoplemaygetjustasscaredoranxiousasanyoneelse,buttheyfigureoutwaystocope. Infact,theyaredeterminedtocope.Theyunderstandthatthefearandothernegative feelingsaretransientandrelativelyunimportantinthelargerschemeofthings. Empoweredpeopleseekoutnotjustmentors,butprotgs.Empowered peopleseekoutprotgspeopletomentornotjustbecausetheyknowthattheworld runsbetterwheneveryonegivesback,butalsobecausetheyknowthatmentoringisone ofthebestusesoftheirtime.Mentoringhelpsyouidentifyandreinforceyourstrengths, andalsoincreasesyourbaseofknowledge.Andbecausethegoalofmentorshipistohelp yourprotgevolveintoanempoweredperson,mentoringisalsooneofthebestwaysto expandwhatStephenCovey,authorofTheSevenHabitsofHighlyEffectivePeoplecalls yourcircleofinfluence. Empoweredpeoplereprogramtheirthoughtsforsuccess.Theymakea consciousefforttoreplacedysfunctionalthoughtpatternswithfunctionalones.For instance,theyreplace: Negativethinking Selfcriticism Judgmentalthinking Perfectionistthinking Hypersensitivity Panic with... with... with... with... with... with... Objective,orpositive,thinking Selfacceptanceorselfpraise Compassionateobservationandanalysis Reasonablegoalsettingandtoleranceoferror Resilience Calmandperspective
So,ifanempoweredpersonscrewsupandthencatcheshimselfthinking negatively,alongthelinesof,WhatajerkIam...heimmediatelystopsthatlineof thoughtandreplacesitwithanother,moreobjectiveandcompassionateone. Empoweredpeopledealquicklyanddecisivelywiththeirobstacles.Thats becausetheyknowthat,notonlyareobstaclesaseriousimpedimenttosuccess,butthey tendtogetworseovertime.Empoweredpeoplealsoknowthatsuccess,whichbringsits ownstresses,canworsenmanysituationalobstacles.Manypeople,forexample,findthat theirrelationshipsdeteriorateastheybecomemoreprofessionallysuccessful. Dontletthathappentoyoustartdealingwithyourobstaclesnow.
Empoweredpeopleunderstandthatsuccessissometimesaperformance.We allhavemomentswhenweoperateatpeakperformanceandfeelontopoftheworld. Thecrucialquestionis:Whatdoyoudoinbetweenthosemoments? Mysuggestionisthat,eveninmomentsofnonmotivation,actasifyouare highlymotivated.Thisisbecauseofawonderfulthingthatbehavioralscientistshave discovered:thatnotonlydoouremotionsdictateouractions,butouractionsoftendictate ouremotions.Researchhasshown,forinstance,thatwedontjustsmilebecausewere happy,weactuallybecomehappierwhenwesmile.Thatsbecausethesmileinitiatesa sequenceofhormonalandothereventsthatrelaxesusandmakesusfeelgood. Professionalsalespeople,whomustbeoncloseto100percentofthetimeinorderto maketheirquotas,areveryfamiliarwiththisphenomenon:theyaretaughtthattheir posture,facialexpressionandotherphysicalattributesaffectnotonlytheirmoodbut theircustomers.Theyaretaughttosmileevenwhentalkingoverthetelephone,because althoughthecustomerontheotherendofthelinecantseethemdoit,thesalespersons voicesoundsmuchmoreforcefulanddynamicwhenshesmiles.Tryit. Manysalespeople,performers,athletesandotherpeakperformersdevelopa personalcollectionoftricks,rituals,andphysicalandmentalexercisestohelpthemselves getandstaypumpedfortheirworkday.Youshoulddothesamething. Andherestheicingonthecake,theamazingsecretthatempoweredpeoplein everyfieldeventuallylearn:thatwithenoughpracticemimickingpeakperformance,you willactuallystartexperiencingtherealthingmoreoften.ExpertssuchasMihaly Csikszentmihalyi,authorofFlow:ThePsychologyofOptimalExperience,saythatwhile wecantoperateatpeakallthetime,wecanprobablydosomuchmorefrequentlythan werealize.Simplybypracticingatperformingatpeak,youcantrainyourselftoenter intopeakmuchmoreeasilyandfrequently. Andthatwillbethemostamazingrewardofall,forallofyourhardwork. ##
ThankyouforreadingTheLittleGuideToBeatingProcrastination,Perfectionismand Blocks.Ihopeyoufoundituseful,andwishyouthebestasyoutravelalongthepathto yourdream.Iwelcomeyourquestions,aswellasanycommentsandsuggestionsabout thisebook,atlifelongactivist@yahoo.com.Andyoullfindmoreinformationaboutme, myworkshopsandcoachingservices,andTheLifelongActivistandmyotherbooksat http://www.hillaryrettig.com.HillaryRettig

The Guide To Beating Procrastination

Uploaded by

Document Information

Original Title

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

The Guide To Beating Procrastination

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

www.hillaryrettig.

TheLittleGuideToBeatingProcrastination, PerfectionismandBlocks:AManualforArtists, Activists,Entrepreneurs,AcademicsandOther AmbitiousDreamers

30.FindingandCultivatingMentors 31.TheUltimateSolution(SolutionIII)toManagingYourFears 32.DevelopinganEmpoweredPersonality 33.WhatEmpoweredPeopleDo

tryingtostuffasmuchaspossibleintoonesschedule,butitsnot;itsaboutclearingas muchaspossibleoffyourschedulesoyoucanwork,atacomfortable,nonstressfulpace, onyourimportantgoals. Tosumup:whateverbumpsyouoffyourpaththatisnotanunpreventable emergencyisprocrastination,nomatterhowimportantitmayseematthetime.

Inshort,weremainstuckinourruts. Givenprocrastinationsstealthynature,ofcourse,weusuallydonttellourselves wereinarut.Onthecontrary,weusuallytellourselvesthatwearetryingreally,really hardtoleavethejob,relationship,etc.Wejustdontdoaverygoodjobofit.

Nowthatwevecharacterizedthegeneralnatureofprocrastination,weare readytostartexploringsolutionstoit.Beforewegettothetruesolutionsthatreally solvetheproblem,though,letsexaminesomefalseonesthatpeoplecommonlytry tonoavail.Someofthesewillprobablybefamiliar...

minutesofsustainedwork,thenfifteen,twenty,thirty,etc.Thekeyistobepatientand notpushit,sincepushingyourselfbasicallyinvitesthemeanmommy/daddytocomein andtakeover.

Chapter31. TheUltimateSolution(SolutionIII)toManagingYourFears:Develop anEmpoweredPersonality

You might also like