Thoughts of a lone man No matter how many times you tell me you love me I wont believe it so dont bother.

Those words keep echoing inside of me. Frolic of thoughts consume my mind as if teasing me with such despair clothed in what they call the folly of youth. Those words resonate with the beating of my heart from the moment theyve left her lips. And now, here I am in front of her asking her to cooperate with my pretense. Asking her out to be my pretend girlfriend. How will she react I wonder? She still doesnt respond. Should I repeat it to her? My heart is throbbing, I dont know why, but her silence seems to be killing me. I expect her to reject this, and Ive already prepared myself for the worst. Sure, I really think it would be convenient that way. I dont need to think things over since Im kinda in a pinch. Your offer kinda made me feel relieved. But I think this kind of engagement would be troublesome if we dont think of some rules for us to be able to not step over the line since were both different. I know your gay, wait, are you still trying to prove to your parents that your not? I think that you should just tell them the truth. I didnt expect her to respond that way. Im trembling; I never expected this to happen. I always thought it would be impossible to date her. My hard work was not in vain, Im happy. Why is she staring at me so intently all of a sudden? Is there something on my face? Whats wrong? Nothing its just that, we just got together and youre asking me to cooperate with your pretense. Youre lucky Im in a pinch right now. But I guess you can still ask any girl right? I cant say anything, ask any girl? What the heck? I would never do that, after all, the reason I did this was to get close to her. Ive been waiting for this moment ever since that day! I know she thinks Im gay but.. Arent your other girl friends available? Why is it me? Wait, is she changing her mind about my offer? Are you changing your mind then? I guess, it was impossible after all. No, Im meeting with my girl friends tomorrow so to stop their stupid blind dates thingy you must come with me. Its the start of our deal. So if you would please excuse me.

Where is she going? I guess, I have to see her off. Anne! Wait up. Why is she doing this? Is she really that eager to get away from me? Does she hate me that much? I could only keep on watching her from afar, right now watching her back as she walk in haste like this. As if shes trying to lose me makes me realize the distance between us. That even though we are just inches apart it feels like were both in two different dimensions. Shes been like this ever since. In the past when we were still schoolmates, I can feel her avoiding me all the time. I can feel her avoiding my gaze as if shes disgusted with me. Could it be because people in my school they consider me gay? Could it be because I too indulge into that pretense? Ive never been interested in anyone before, I was surprised that Ive always noticed her so much. There were times that she would be surprisingly cheerful and then whenever she sees me, that smile fades away. Its as if Im like a poison that eats away all the happiness in her. She would try to converse with me sometimes, but she doesnt talk that much to me. And she rarely smiles at me. If only she knew that I always notice her, that shes the only girl that Ive really look at. I sigh at the thought of all these. Now is not the time to be reminiscing about the past, I must catch up to her. Thank goodness she doesnt walk so fast anymore. Should I ask her why shes acting like this? Id rather not, she might get irritated and would regard me as nosy. Its fine this way, walking side by side would suffice. Thanks for walking me, see you tomorrow! I wave at her goodbye and left. Its been 8 years since we last saw each other. Maybe I was really a bit cocky asking her out like that. But I was serious. I just added the pretense word for the hope of this to work out. I hope, she would fall for me too. I hope she would reciprocate my feelings. Were both professionals now. But Im relying on my luck. Im praying my plan will work. ----------------------I cant sleep. The thought of meeting with her again tomorrow is killing me. What will I do? Im nervous as fuck right now. Its too early for that though. Is this really ok? Pretending to be gay in front of everyone and in the end, just wanting to date that one person. Shes everything for me, although shes so insecure that she wouldnt believe anyone could love her. To be honest, to me shes perfect, yet all of this worries and doubts about herself brings her to believe such crap. Will I able to make her fall for me? Will I able to prove to her that shes worth every love a man can offer? Will she believe me if I say Ive loved her all these years? Or will she just shrug these all and laugh at me? --------------------------------Lets meet at the coffee shop at 10 am. I received a text from her early this morning. I guess were going to talk about how were going to handle everything that evening. This is our first challenge as a pretend

couple, if this will not go smoothly, then were finished. And probably, she will never go out with me or even see me. Ah, shes early. Anne! She waved at me. I guess, shes in a nice mood right now. Im quite nervous at what we would be discussing. Yeah, I know this is kinda weird really to be all nervous like this, but I cant help it. Okay, so first and foremost, we should know a little bit of each other. So I guess, this truly is the start of me getting to know her more. Shes filling me with all the details I need to know. But I cant seem to hear her words, I cant help but notice everything about her face, her mannerisms and such. What should I do? I want to touch her, I want to kiss her. Wait, what the hell am I thinking I need to concentrate. Whats wrong? Come to think of it. She never said my name even once since we started seeing each other. Nothing. Now, its your turn to say things about yourself. Well I guess this isnt so bad after all, telling things about myself to another person. Would this draw our hearts together? Would this bring her to realize how I adore her? Have you ever been in a relationship with someone? That surprised me, where is she getting at? Yes, of course. Why do you ask? This is apparently my first time in a relationship, even though its only pretend. So please take care of me. I may not able to do this properly. If it comes to worse, just do it your own way. That made me smile. Does this mean I can really do everything? This would really feel like were really in a relationship. But I must tell her to be ready to be close with me physically, and of course the intimacy. I guess, shes just okay with this. Im quite excited; I cant really wait to be able to be lovey-dovey with her. Its almost time for us to be meeting with her friends. After having coffee at the coffee shop she agreed to hang out with me for a while. As of the moment we are walking side by side in a park, there are trees in the side forming like fingers that looks as if its protecting those underneath it. The shadows that the branches cast are like vines in the pavement. Walking side by side with her like this is soothing, it

feels as if we are really a couple, my hand itches to join with hers, but I must control the urge to do so. ---ooo--Are you nervous Anne? Yes, this is really my first time, but I really dont want to be in a stupid blind date again so I have no choice but to do this. Im in your hands. Anne, just follow my lead okay? And you must remember not to show a hint of awkwardness and dont push me away. Yeah I got it. Lets go. I guess the show starts now. Her friends are here already. I never really thought that they we are going to spend our time her in this very luxurious bar. Whos this Anne? Im her boyfriend of course. Okay, this feels kinda embarrassing, shaking their hands and introducing myself. But this girl that is directly across me seems to keep staring at me. Do I know her? I never really thought that you would get this kind of guy Anne. Yeah I know your tastes quite well, but I thought you were over this guy? In the end, you got to be with him eh? What is she talking about? Does this mean, Anne used to like me? I guess so, I think its fate isnt it Honey? Honey? Thats kinda awkward. I never really thought she would call me like that. I always thought it would only remain as a dream. Youre mean Anne, didnt we agree that well call each other sweetheart? She hit me. It really hurts. I dont really quite get it. I dont really believe that you are together with this guy Anne. If youre really together then you should kiss him. What are you talking about? Thats embarrassing! It wouldnt be embarrassing. Just do it! This is really ah.. I couldnt really help myself. So I called her name. She looked at me with an exasperated look on her face. My eyes quickly noticed her lips and my body just moved on its own. I unwittingly clipped her chin with my two fingers and draw her face closer, kissing her gently on the lips. She was really shocked. Was that enough for them? The sensation that I feel was ineffable, it felt like my body was

electrocuted with just that kiss. I never felt like this before, I wish time would stop right now. I dont mind getting electrocuted, I dont mind feeling her inside of me. Ah, really now. Youre really are a couple huh? Yes we are. Ummm.. I..Im going to the restroom. Whats wrong with her? She didnt like what I did? It was just a kiss. I better go after her. Excuse me ladies, I should go. You know, ah.. never mind. Please do. What was that just now? They dont believe us? But first I should find Anne. Could it be possible that shes angry with me for kissing her like that? Anne, where are you. Ah! There she is. Anne! She flinched, and looked away. Is she embarrassed? Are you okay? She didnt respond instead she turned away and buried her face on her hands. Shes trembling. Sorry, to be honest that was my first kiss, so.. I feel like my cheeks are burning. Please.. I gently took her hands away from her face. She was flustered. So Im her first kiss. That made me feel relieved and at the same time happy. She is such an innocent girl. Arrrg stop that would you, I feel like an idiot right now. I shouldve not kissed you, Im so sorry. Ok, lets not talk about this okay. All I have to do is pretend that this did not happen. Pretend? Theres no way you could forget your first kiss. What is she thinking? Oh, well, but one thing kept me wondering. It was what the girl earlier said about Annes feelings for me. Could it be that, she used to like me? I feel something weird just by thinking about it. I took her hand and motioned her to go back. As we walk beside each other I slipped my hand into hers. She looked at me with her enthralling eyes and tightened her grip. At that very moment, it was as though she was accepting my feelings. I felt like I am someone precious to her, someone close to her heart. And most importantly, it gave me hope. Hope that there would be a day when I could finally be able to be with her. As we held hands, her friends gave us suspicious looks. The girl in the far left walked towards us. What the

heck is she up to? After a shortwhile, I found Annes hand and mine separated from each other. Ok, what the hell is this girl doing? You really do have beautiful hands Anne. Up until now, you dont do housework? What gives? Is this somekind of a joke? What is this girl up to? As I was looking at them while they were chitchatting, I realized that they get along well. Even Anne who doesnt interact with other people that much is unusually hyper today. Its really enjoyable, seeing her like this. I used to think that she hated me because she has never treated me like how she treats other people. That feeling when she always smiles at everyone with a gentle smile, but when it comes to me, I feel as if she just forces herself to smile. I feel really bad. And whenever our eyes met, she would just look at me. I would feel awkward and then look away. I cant help but wonder if after I look away, does she still look at me? Does she look at me differently? Oliver, are you okay? I heard my name. Did she just call me by my first name? I guess this is my first time hearing my name come out of her mouth. I just smiled at her and held her hand. She didn't anticipate this. She gently looked away and blushed. Should we have a drinking contest? A drinking contest huh? But its already late. Anne, since youre so uptight in this kind of games, you might as well make Oliver as your substitute And just like that we started drinking; Anne begged them to make me stay out of this game. I dont want to spoil their fun so I told her it was fine. Glass after glass, and I felt that my world started spinning. I can barely hear their voices now. Was I the one who got drunk first? I leaned over someone who was beside me. Anne I think its about time, Oliver and I should get going. Take care! Anne, yer now fun. Lets go Oliver. I guess, Anne was the only one who is sober amongst us. Im sorry Anne. I got drunk. Oliver.. wake up, were about to.. Whats happening, I can feel her touch but couldnt exactly explain this feeling. I feel so numb and my body feels so light. My legs wont move up the stairs. I should force them to; I dont want to trouble her. Ah, thank goodness, they finally moved.

Did she just lay me in bed? I opened my eyes. She wasnt there. Where could she be? I tried standing up, but my legs couldnt carry the weight of my body. What the hell? I heard footsteps, perhaps thats Anne. Anne. Are you okay Oliver? Here drink some water. I heard her voice trailing off. It was as if she was getting farther and farther away by the second. I tried to reach out to her wherever she is. Do you want to puke Oliver? Wait, I will get something for you. She lifted my heavy body to a sitting position and I felt her wiping my arms with something wet. I heard her tying something on my neck. After that, I felt her closer than usual. I can hear her breathing. I opened my eyes. My vision was a blur but I tried my hardest to make something out of it. Although, my world was moving in circles, in a split second I was able to see her clearly. She was approximately 4 inches away from me. The first thing I noticed were her lips, after I knew I was her first kiss, I made up my mind that part of her body is mine. I felt something weird, my head was spinning. Anne. ----oooo----I opened my eyes and found myself lying in a hotel room. Why am I alone, I heard the door clicked, the door opened. It was Anne, she just got out of the shower. Ouch! My head hurts, what happened yesterday? I was caught offguard, from the moment I began to think what happened yesterday, it all came back to me. I was drunk yesterday. Crap. And was she the one who brought me here? I think I should apologize. I can smell the scent of her shampoo, I guess its the hotels. Youre finally awake. Im sorry. Why are you apologizing, I should be the one apologizing since I dragged you into this mess. Im really sorry. That was the first time she looked at me with such genuine intent. I cant help but be enthralled by her gaze. At that moment, I had the urge to pull her closer in my arms and never let go. My feelings are failing me again. I cant let her see me wavering like this. Dont worry about it; I was really the one at fault here. By the way, do you have any plans today? I heard its your day off. Ah yes. Do you want to go on a date with me? After hearing those words my mind went blank, she gave a subtle giggle. F*ck! That surprised me. A date with her? Crap! What should I do? Im getting excited. Crap, this isnt good at all! I should come up of something. Here goes nothing. Then, spend the night with me here again.

What are you saying?! You really took me seriously. It was a joke! Tsk She was panic stricken right this moment; I can see it on her face. I stood up and went towards her. I guess that really caught her offguard. She is a little uneasy right now. No, Im serious. Its your fault for bringing up something like that. Lets spend the night here again. Were going to enjoy ourselves tonight. Seriously, if youre thinking about nasty stuff right now, then youre wrong. . . I dont mind doing it with you though. Were already mature adults. Ah, I really think you should just ask your boyfriend to come over and have fun with you. I dont really think, I can handle this much. And its all just a joke. And if.. Im not seeing anyone right now. And besides, we should make sure that your friends will believe that we are really together. So we should spend a little more time together. This is perfect timing since its your day off tomorrow. Aaaah. I hope that she agrees with me. Were getting separate rooms Ok!. That surprised me. Shes really so cute. I guess, this is the kind of girl she is. She is very awkward with men. But still, I still cant believe that were talking like this. I always thought that we would only let each other slip away, and that we would merely walk past each other and not care. What are you staring at? That made me smile. If only I could freely touch you, I wouldve hugged you tightly at this very moment. That noon, we decided to hang around town. Where are we going? I just smiled at her and began to grab her by the arm. Just wait and see. Lets go. Oliver, its fine to hold my hand. Oh. Its fine to hold her hand she says. This feels like a dream. I slipped my hand into hers, I really felt like we were a couple. The sensation of touching her skin with mine sent chills down to my spine. I looked at her over my shoulder thinking how lucky I was to spend this day with her. What if I were to confess to her? That all this time shes the only one I kept thinking about? I wish this day would never end, I want to be with

her like this for all of eternity. While walking and walking and checking out stores, I can feel her being tense all of a sudden. Whats wrong? No nothing. Im confused, does she dislike me holding her hand like this? I let go of her hand. After a while I felt her hand against my arm, and slowly she entwined her arm with mine. I can feel her touch like a burn. As we walk through the street and bought some food, we decided to go to the amusement park. We decided to ride a ferris wheel. I can see in her eyes that she was really excited. The ferris wheel was a little huge for two people, and we were opposite each other, she was looking at the scenery outside with a smile on her face. If only this ferris wheel was narrow like any other ferris wheel, then our bodies wouldve been a little closer to each other. While she was looking outside, I couldnt keep my eyes off her. She mustve notice that I was looking at her the whole time and glanced at me with those beautiful eyes. She asked me whats wrong with such worry that made my knees weak. I couldnt speak at all, for if I couldve said something, I guess I would certainly told her about wanting to be close to her. I just moved my head to say nothing. She stared at me for a while with a blank look and then looked away. Throughout the ride, what remained was silence. This damn silence between the two of us again. We went back to the hotel where were staying at, our rooms are just side by side each other so I thought that this is not so bad after all. I bought some tequila and some vodka. Even though she doesnt drink much, I still made up my mind to go to her room and share some. I knocked on her door. I heard her ask who is it. I told her who I was and after awhile the door opened. She was refreshed, I guess, she just finished taking a bath. Her hair was dangling over her shoulders; the slight wave of it emphasized more of her facial features. She looked at the things I bought with me and asked about them. Lets drink! And just like that she closed the door in front of my face. Anne! Open up, its just a drink, you The door opened, I saw her sigh and told me to come in. While I was walking towards a table to where I was about to put the drinks, she told me she was sorry for closing the door in front of my face. I told her that its okay but I was a little hurt so she should make it up to me, and agree to some game after we drink. She cant decide at first so I told her to stop being uptight and just indulge. Were both adults now after all. Its okay to be fooling around like this. I poured her tequila, and to my surprise she drank it all at once without any delay. I was surprised. Are you okay? Do you have somekind of problem?

She told me that she does not, and after so much conversing we got to a point where I was teasing her about her first kiss. The tequila we were drinking was already a quarter finished. No its not that I dont know how to kiss! Its just that you caught me offguard. Well, she sounds a little bit tipsy now. I bet you couldnt do anything other than a smack. Oh wait, gays are known to be good kissers right? I.. I looked away and kept silent. The gay word again huh. I filled and filled and filled up my drink. She was blabbering nonsense now, I cant seem to follow all of her words. Then shall I demonstrate to you what a true kiss is? No. I dont want to. She refused. I moved closer to her and touched her chin. Open your mouth. She looked away. No. Dont you want to experience something like this before you get old? You kept blabbering about you being all alone in your whole life. So would it hurt to feel this before that happens? Everyone fools around you know. I dont care whether she believes all this freaking nonsense of being forever alone, I just wanted to kiss her. She was still looking away. I have no choice then. I motioned even closer and whispered to her. Anne. She was caught off guard and was in a shock. She let her guard down and was somehow able to open her mouth enough for me to give her a kiss with my tongue. I bet she succumb in shock because she wasnt able to fight back anymore. I couldnt stop myself from kissing her but I tried my best to snap out of it. She really has this way of wanting me to swallow her whole right now. As our tongues continued to interact with each other, I felt the urge of wanting to penetrate through her. My hands were running through her hair. I felt its softness and smoothness and I pulled back. So how was it? She was completely flushed right now, I dont know if this is because of the alcohol or my kiss. She was silent. You overdid it you idiot!

I guess I overdid it a bit. I just laughed sheepishly. I noticed her staring at me for a while now. Shes coming closer and closer to me. What the hell is this girl thinking? She reached out to touch my face and moved it towards her direction. I was surprised at what she did. Crap. I can feel my cheeks burning already. How do you do it? I cant explain something like that you know! It just comes out naturally. Then allow me to try doing it. I grabbed her hands away from my face and tried to push her away. But its no use, she was getting closer and closer. It was as if I was stunned. All I need to do is stick out my tongue right? A.. The moment I opened my mouth to call out her name she kissed me. Nn. It felt like I was struck by lightning at the moment our lips met and I felt like was going to die when our tongues met. F*ck she really kissed me for real. It wasnt like what I did but her kiss was gentle with less tongue action. She pulled back. Would that do? I looked away. What the hell are you doing? I believe I kissed you. Did you really like my kiss that much? Not really, its just that Ive never thought that a French kiss would feel like that. The hell? Since when did she wondered about something like that? I guess teasing her like that, I brought this to myself. I just wanted to kiss her. Is she drunk already? Nevermind that, I need to put on some tough front. Your kiss was pathetic; you should put more tongue action. She grabbed my face once again. And studied it. What is she thinking? How do you kiss with your tongue? What?

Nevermind. Just tell me if ever one satisfies you. She motioned closer and kissed me again. She felt unsatisfied and kissed me again. She tried kissing me with her tongue. She pulled back and kissed me again. I felt like my world was spinning. I never expected this thing to happen. And Im getting drunk from her kisses. She pulled back for the last time. With a serious face she was thinking of something. I suck dont I? She sighed. She got up and drank some water. She looked at the time and told me I should get going already. But I remembered something that I really wanted to ask her after that event with her friends. You liked me once didnt you? I didnt like you, After she said those words I felt a stinging pain inside my chest. What was I hoping for? Of course she wouldnt like me. However, I was confused whether it was just me teasing myself or if I really liked you. And in the end, I got to a conclusion that liking you was just a prank I set up for myself. But I got to admit, at one point, I must have really liked you because Because what? She must have had really liked me eh? I dont believe her. If what shes saying is true then why does she look at me with emptiness? And on top of that, shes contradicting herself right now! Nevermind. She walked towards me, at that moment, it was as if she was the only thing that was there. I cant get my eyes off of her. She sat beside me. Dont kiss me again like that. Why? Because youre kisses are like whisky, it gets me drunk. What the hell! Thats a song! I just chuckled a bit. Oh, so my amateur kiss affected you that much.

She giggled at the thought of this and teased me. There was something at the look in her face that made me want to kiss her. I was holding back something in me that wanted to do it. I swallowed a lump on my throat and fought back the urge. I looked away from her. I couldnt bear to hold it in anymore. I gotta go. Goodnight! Goodnight. If I kissed her at that moment, I bet she wouldnt forgive me. I dont want her to hate me. As I was approaching the door, I glanced back at her. She was now lying on the bed. She mustve been drunk. I caught myself smiling at the thought of this. I walked back towards her. She was lying in the bed like a baby. I sat on the bed and watched her snoozing off. She turned around, her back closest to my body. I touched her head and lay it there for awhile. I caressed her head with tenderness, even I was shocked at this. Goodnight. I found myself smiling. Search for me oh loved one I was satisfied with just all of this, being with her, having fun and most especially being able to see the light that shone in her eyes. I keep holding myself back in those moments. I dont want to step over her line of privacy, we are just a pretend couple after all. I was really happy when the day came that I would be able to meet her parents. I wanted to meet them so badly, I wanted to talk to them about her. I wanted to know all sorts of things about her. When we were at long last brought to be alone together. I cant help but ask her: Go out with me for real. Surprised as she were, she backed away from me, knitted her eyebrows and looked away with a pained look as if saying I knew it. I dont know what this meant. She was silent for a while, and then tears began to fall from her eyes. There was a different light in her, her eyes tells me how happy she was to hear those words but then this delight was replaced by a dark and sorrowful look on her face. Im sorry. She said not looking at me. So this is the end eh? After this, we would again part ways and live separate lives just like before. Would there be even a chance for us to find each other again after this? Would this turn the wheel of fate to permit us to be together? Should I try to convince her to be with me? Her words of rejection pierced by heart badly that my lips quivered. I couldnt utter the words I wanted to tell her.

Rain began to pour. In this lone street, my heart was completely broken. She apologized one more time and left. Ah, whyd she runaway just like that? Doesnt she care about me? What to do? What to do? Should I find her? Should I tell her once more to be with me? Or should I just let her go without any assurance of ever coming back to me? Perhaps this should be better. I wont die without her, my life would continue without her existence. From the very beginning she didnt have any significance in my life. After all this time, how could I even waver? How could I even lose hope? Shes just some girl, insignificant But I really loved her didnt I? I really loved her didnt I? Fuck this shit! I refuse to go down because of this. It doesnt matter anymore. I can smell the scent of the soil. The damp and cold pavement was the only thing that was accompanying me. My only solace, nothing else. Nobody would be there for me. The thought of her came rushing to me. How can I even think about her while Im in pain? How can I bear to think of this girl whom broke my heart with just a mere second? As I walk the streets soaked aimlessly I cant help wonder about my worth in this world. This is not the end, I can be depressed all I want but life wont stop for me. Forget all, forget her, forget everything. ---oooo----What is there to hope for? Getting back to miserable mundane day-to-day work is just a waste of time. What should I do? I cant just allow myself to witness my life withering in front of me. I should go out with friends then, yes and mess around. It has been 3 months after that faithful day when she rejected my feelings. Oliver, do you want a drink? Without any hesitation I grabbed the drink and drank it. All of my friends were walking towards the dance floor, Kim pulled me with them. And here we danced all night. This was like those days in college, not caring about anything, just letting the music and the alcohol drive me away. I guess they are not aware of the pain and the agony that has happened in my life. I smile at them with the same smile as before. Some girl went up to me, enveloped me in her arms as we were dancing intimately on the dance floor. The dim lights seem to overcome her whole being and seemed to be pulling her towards me. She kissed me gently on the lips. It was a gentle long kiss, my body responded to her subtle touches. Ah, I dont care anymore. I responded to her kiss and we were making out for about half a minute. The onlookers as well as my friends were cheering. Shouting how lesbian we were. Oh right, they still believe that Im gay. I can also hear some peoples jeers. People were pushing some guy towards me after making out with the girl. Trying to satisfy theyre imaginations, I pulled the guy closer and kissed him. I dont care, I dont fucking care about all of this shit, so might as well enjoy myself in this darkness that Im taking. I hope that with

this, I can finally drown and bury all these feelings inside. Im drunk, I left the dancefloor and sat at the bar. The bartender asked if I was okay, I told him I was fine, but this doesnt seem to satisfy him. This isnt my place to say this but you know, there are many things you can transfer your sadness into. Wasting yourself with alcohol is not the only medium for the outburst of your sadness. I heard his words but I cant seem to make anything out of them. What is it to this bartender anyway? I excused myself and left. I rode a cab to the hotel that I was staying for the night. The travel felt so long, the city lights were so bright that they blinded my eyes. The beauty of this city at night was incomparable. Oh, it was my dream in the past to be able to set foot in this city. New York City. But now it only seemed to be a distant memory. I didnt care to be in this city at all. I guess, this is proof that my life has gone to the worst, although people never saw it. Sadness has enveloped my life. I got out of the cab and went directly to my hotel room. When I was walking towards the elevator, I saw a familiar face, a familiar shape of a woman. And by the time I was near this entity, my heart clenched, for this woman who was before me was she. She looked towards my direction, she was clearly surprised to see me. She smiled, a smile I never saw in her before. Why must she torture me like this? There was something that was rushing in me. Must this be the love that I thought had long been gone? Or was this hatred towards this woman whom rejected me? Blood rushed into my cheeks. What is this? This vasoconstriction that is happening in my cheeks is not reasonable at all. I dont feel cold or anything. Why must she be in front of me? Seeing my current state. When she left, she dragged all my hopes and all the love away. I stood there looking at her as she avoided my glance. The elevator door opened and we got in. There was still silence, as if we never knew each other. I looked away. I couldnt say anything the whole time I was with her. The only thing that brought me to my senses was when the elevator opened and she got out. The elevator door closed slowly as if wanting me to see the pained expression on her face. So thats how its supposed to be? I disgust her so much that the thought of meeting me pained her so much? Rage was trying to overcome my whole being, I tried my hardest to calm myself but it was of no use. I pushed the button as hard as I can and went to the floor where she got off. I ran aimlessly towards the hallways and found her sitting on a couch staring into space. Her eyes were holding back tears. She noticed me and looked at me. I angrily walked towards her. She just stared at me and asked if I was okay. Is she making a fool out of me? I hate this, in every moment of my life that things like this happen, shes always there as if consoling me. I hate this. She stood up. I meant to shout at her about what she has done to me but my arms moved by themselves, pulled her closer and hugged her tightly. Unconsciously the words I missed you came out of my lips. A certain feeling struck me, a certain force was enveloping my

body and there was something that was whispering to me dont let her go, you cant let her slip anymore. And all was made clear to me, I still loved her. This girl whom broke my heart, this girl who rejected me. I wont let you go. I wont let you slip away anymore. I love you. Ive always loved you. And in her arms I found home. I found what I was looking for. My lost soul has now found its place. And this is wherever shell be.