Pour Homme By Ben Johnson

Episode 1,2,3

EPISODE 1 - GAY INT. LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING Sammy walks into the living room, he looks tired, his eyes droop, his headphones blur, his tie loose from his collar. He does not hear the hardcore grunting sounds coming OS. He opens the fridge, takes hole of a curly sausage, he places it in his mouth. He turns around and sees an unknown skinny man, pounding somebody OS. SAMMY Adam?! Coming into shot is a tall guy, Sammys younger brother. ADAM (breaking into orgasm) Sammy! The sausage falls from his mouth. Dead silence... Awkwardness. Sammy has just walked in on his younger brother being man pounded from behind by a skinny gay man. Nobody moves a muscle. SAMMY So, Adam whos your... friend? ADAM Brian. SAMMY I see that youre busy Bri, so well shake hands after youve washed, your, my brother off. Still nobody moves a muscle... A few moments pass. SAMMY Right... INT. LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER Adam and Brian hold hands at the table. Sammy faces them with a very confused look in his eyes.

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2.

SAMMY So youre gay. Youre a gay man. A man whos into other gays. Sammy drinks his milk. SAMMY Does dad know? ADAM No SAMMY No? ADAM No. SAMMY What about you Brian, does your dad know the truth? BRIAN Ive never met my dad. SAMMY The Lucky cuPause. Brian is not amused. SAMMY I think I have some malted milks in the cupboard, would anybody like a malted milk. BRIAN No thank you. ADAM No. SAMMY I really think that this is a malted milk moment. How often do you walk in on your brother being... He struggles to find the right word. SAMMY ... Mounted. Brian nods. (CONTINUED)

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3.

Sammy stands and walks to the cupboard to get the biscuits. ADAM Are you alright, with this? SAMMY No. I do a lot of, erm, sitting on that (pointing at couch) particular spot. Reading, I like to read, novels, magazines. Why are you here? ADAM We have some news, and we wanted to surprise you. SAMMY No shit. ADAM Were engaged! Brian flicks his hand out like a sex and the city girl and shows Sammy the ring. SAMMY Can your type get married? BRIAN Our type? SAMMY You know... ADAM Gay people? SAMMY Yeah. BRIAN Yes. SAMMY (not taking yes for an answer) Yeah? ADAM Yes. SAMMY But come on, I mean. Really. Do they allow..

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4.

BRIAN Single sex marriages. Fuck sake Adam I thought you said your brother was cool. SAMMY How about I go home and fuck your little brother, how would you like that? BRIAN Hes 15 Sammy gives a "whatever" expression. Brian gets up and quickly assumes the position in which to attack, which is face tilted back and arms swinging round like hes trying to escape the shallow end of a pool. Adam simply stands in front of him. ADAM Baby. Baby. Calm down! BRIAN Ill wreck him! Brian, gives Sammy the feeblest slap across the face ever. Malted milk crumbs drop out of his mouth. SAMMY (sarcastically) Oh no. Please dont do that again ADAM Go wait outside! GO! BRIAN I might not look like much but I know Karate! SAMMY I know ya mar, Ill jab her head in. Brian leaves, angry. ADAM I didnt come here for your approval.

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CONTINUED: SAMMY I thought you said you liked men? ADAM I do. SAMMY Whyve you brought that girl home then. Adam pulls a "dont start" face. SAMMY Gay relationships dont last. Theyre like flowers, one minute a vase, next, dead in a bin. Do you want to be dead in a bin... ADAM I thought you was going to be cool about this? SAMMY How can I be cool, about my younger brother being a quilt. ADAM A what? SAMMY Youre my brother. I love you. But this whole situation is just weird. Sammy walks past him. ADAM What about Brian? SAMMY He can stay on the couch. EPISODE 2 INT. SAMMYS BEDROOM - MORNING

5.

Sammy lies next to a slim, good looking woman, aged 24-28. Shes fast asleep. He wakes up, looks around the room, looks at her and then pokes her in the head, hard and fast. She wakes. Shes very groggy.

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6.

SAMMY Morning. CLAIRE Morning. What time is it? SAMMY Bout 7. CLAIRE SEVEN. Im going back to sleep, wake me when you get home from work. Claire grabs the sheets and lies back down. SAMMY Can we have sex? CLAIRE Now. SAMMY Yeah. CLAIRE What is it with you and morning sex? SAMMY Come on. CLAIRE Okay just dont kiss me, your morning breath is tragic. Sammy acknowledges the fact that his morning breath is "tragic" and gets back, keeping his face as far away from hers as possible. The bed starts rocking. SAMMY (breathing heavy) Say it. CLAIRE I dont want to. SAMMY Go on.

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7.

CLAIRE (deadpan) Lord Farqaad. SAMMY What did he do? CLAIRE He huffed and he puffed. SAMMY Then what!? CLAIRE He signed the eviction notice. SAMMY Yeah he did. Didnt he?! CLAIRE I guess so. Pause. SAMMY Can I come on your face? CLAIRE (waking up quickly) What! No. Awkwardness. No movement from Sammy, his placid face goes red. CLAIRE Why would you think that would even be an option? Awkward silence... The bed starts moving again. INT. LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - MORNING Sammy walks into the kitchen, buttoning up his shirt, and putting on his tie. Brian is asleep still on the couch. Sammy wakes him up by screaming!

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8.

SAMMY Brian! Brian wakes ferociously, but he is duct taped to the couch, so he cant move very much. BRIAN Have you duct taped me to the couch? SAMMY Just to make sure that you dont go on any gay midnight trips to my brothers bedroom. BRIAN Whats stopping him from coming here. INT. BRIANS ROOM - GUEST BEDROOM - CONT Adam is duct taped to the floor with a sock in his mouth. INT. LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - MORNING SAMMY My house my rules... Sammy gets right in Brians face when he says this, he looks as threatening as he can, but its not scary at all. SAMMY Tropicana? Claire walks in. CLAIRE Sam, we need to speak. Sam turns around quickly. Fixes his tie. SAMMY Im late for work. Ill be home at 4. He kisses her on the cheek, walks past her. SAMMY Oh, theres just one more thing. Will you be able to help Adam.

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9.

CLAIRE Why whats up with him? SAMMY Youll see. INT. LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING LATER ON: Sammy enters the kitchen. He looks around. His dad sits on a chair facing him. Adam, Brian, and Claire stand around. There is a somber feeling to the room. SAMMY Dad! (beat) who died? EPISODE 3 - DAD KNOWS Dad and Sammy sit facing each other at the table, no of them say anything until Sammy opens his mouth. SAMMY Cancer? DAD Bad times. SAMMY How long you got left? DAD I dont know, 2-6 months. Adam and Claire are the other side of the room, leaning against the counter top. Adam looks very upset. Claires hand is on his shoulder. Sammy gets up and walks over to Adam. ADAM You alright? SAMMY Yeah. Can I have a word with you. Sammy and Adam move across the room to get some privacy. SAMMY This solves all your problems.

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10.

ADAM What? SAMMY If he dies, you never have to tell him, you crave the big ones. ADAM Is that how you think I was going to break it to him "ey look dad I crave the big ones" SAMMY If he dies, hell go to the grave a happy, dead dad. ADAM Are you sick? Are you Generally sick in the head? SAMMY I just dont want that poor man, knowing that his chances of having grand kids have drastically dropped by around erm, 50%. Adam is frustrated, he storms out. Sammy walks over to Claire. CLAIRE Is he alright? SAMMY Yeah, hes gay they just over react to most situations. Like when they see a frilly blouse, or yellow jeans. CLAIRE Right. Dad joins in the conversation. DAD You know whats funny? Sammy has a blank face. DAD I know hes gay.

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11.

SAMMY Whos gay? DAD Adam! SAMMY Adam. Hes all about the poo-say. DAD Ive known he was gay since he was a kid. SAMMY How. Its not like he ever asked for a Barbie, he had more action men than anybody I know. DAD Exactly. SAMMY Hes too scared to tell you? DAD Thats the funniest thing about it! He thinks Im going to be bothered. I couldnt care less. But Sammy, that leaves you to have grand kids. SAMMY Im way too young. DAD Im on route to death. CLAIRE Im pregnant. Sammys jaw drops, Dad smiles. SAMMY No. CLAIRE Yeah. DAD Cool. SAMMY Cool, how is this cool. I earn like 1.87 a day, I cant even afford (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: SAMMY (contd) Aldis own brand stuff. I steal biscuits at work. How can I raise a child. DAD Im so proud. Im going to ring youre uncle John. He said you didnt have it in you. Dad leaves. SAMMY Youre pregnant? CLAIRE No. SAMMY Oh my god, did you just say that so my dad thought I was going to have a child. CLAIRE Not really. SAMMY So you are pregnant? CLAIRE Kind of. SAMMY Is it mine. CLAIRE Yes. No. Maybe. SAMMY Okay. Until my dad dies, lets pretend its mine. CLAIRE So you want me to lie? SAMMY It wont be the first time will it bitch. CLAIRE Touche. Brian, Adam, Dad enter the living room.

12.

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13.

BRIAN Youre going to make a brilliant mother! Everybody hugs Claire and Shakes Sammys hand. ADAM I think Im going to cry. DAD (to Adam) Dont be a queer! Adams smiley face changes. Dad looks over at Sammy, and winks. Sammy shakes his head. THE END