The Davidsonian The Real Perspectives Section
Lula Bell still
folding clothes
awkwardly
See page 7
Surprisingly SGA Ignores Hurricane Hugo Opinion: Umbrella Bags ®
eloquent Sarah Victims; Dozens Are Frat-less freshman
Finally, it has happened. Since has directed us to the Mecca of
Palin actually just Kappa Alpha party out of hand; house under water
Tina Fey trying to In the wake of the most
sound stupid punishing Hurricane Hugo party
See page 5 to ever hit the Kappa Alpha Order,
SGA officials have yet to respond
with adeqaute relief efforts.
No, guy in turtle- In total disrepair, KA scored a 14
on its house cleaning evaluation.
neck actually not The storm made landfall at
approximately 9:45pm Friday night,
headed to tacky assaulting the house with gale-force
party winds and a torrential downpour of
Busch Light. Although the SGA
has promised to send hovercrafts
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with food, fuel, and construction
supplies to the partially submerged
fraternity, no help has yet arrived.
Strikers Write
A year after the Writers Guild of
America went on strike, a shocking
number of mine strikers have taken
up writing. The concensus among
the miners is that someone has to do
Editors sacked; the writing, despite its challenges.
Yowl now hiring “Don’t get me wrong, writing
500 words-a-day from home over
the New York Times crossword and
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a nice latte isn’t easy, but someone
has to do it,” says Earl Savage,
Appallingly bad former president of the Bluefield
perspectives Student Forgets to Attach Attachment
Michael Seymore ‘11 has
articles done it again. After describing his
section of a study guide in three
See perspectives unnecessarily long paragraphs,
Michael simply sent the email
without attaching the appropriate
documents. Fellow students noted
he was seriously embarrassed as he
Your Davidson Honor Section
Editors:
Dan Killian
Alex Hoyt
Illustrations:
Ana Kozhevnikova
Contributors:
Kate Kelly
Suzie Eckl
Note: The Yowl is a satirical supple-
ment to The Davidsonian. Hence,
nothing in it should be taken as Michael Seymore ‘11, moron.
truth. Word.
October 22, 2008
year I’ve been petitioning water residue safety.
When Lennea Buttermore came
Monday morning for her weekly
house cleaning evaluation, she
realized the extent of the damage.
“There was nothing left to evaluate.
The house had no windows,
ceilings, or doors. I had to give
them a 14.”
In the void of any leadership,
looters have ransacked the kitchen,
while bandits made off with the TV
and several composites. Surviving
brothers have taken to canoeing
through the basement, looking for
lost pledge brothers.
Aside from sending a box of
umbrella bags, SGA President
Green has yet to react to what may
become the most difficult challenge
he faces in office. Last at KA for
an informal Wednesday night
party several weeks ago, Greene’s
aloofness has raised questions
about how “in touch” he actually is
with Americans.
Minors Union, now working on his
second novel, a sweeping period
piece. For many, penning haikus
and memoirs has proved gritty
work.
“Do I miss risking roof collapse
and gas explosions during 12-hour
work days for minimum wage.
Of course. But I’ve got to pay the
bills.” Savage says he may someday
return to mining, but for now he’ll
keep writing.
“Just the other day I told my
son, ‘Boy, the world needs writers
too.’ I just hope he’s not ashamed.”
sent a follow-up email two minutes
later with the subject heading,
“Wait, I’m a moron.”
Michael is what social
pschologists refer to as a “detacher.”
By failing to attach his document
as planned, he has also alienated
himself from an increasingly email-
savvy society.
The sophomore Classics major
is a technologically troubled
individual. He also sends Youtube
videos without clickable links,
refers to the internet as “cybertown,”
and thinks WiFi is the genre his
Star Trek DVDs fall into.
Due to his inability to recognize
that other members of his Club
Badminton don’t care about his
dinner plans with “Jimbo,” Michael
also has been labeled a severe
abuser of the “reply to all” button.
He has since been removed
from the Club Badminton email
list.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008 7
The Davidsonian
student deans, club leaders, and When my umbrella slips
really anyone that wouldn’t hit me effortlessly into that clear plastic
when I suggested it, for the one sheath, I breathe easy. The
thing that could skyrocket my start
to a day at Chambers. Free bagels
scoreboard reads:
Steve: 1, Nature: 0.
and juice? Not a chance. Someone Besides, the normal matching
falling into a dunk tank? I don’t covers that all umbrellas come with
succumb to childish laugh tactics. usually fall apart after one use. Also,
Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m talking the way they match the umbrella can
about the Umbrella Bags ®. make you look pretentious. These
Umbrella Bags® are light and great
for travel, but probably the greatest
part is that the mass quantities at
every door of Chambers notifies
me that I can use and dispose of
three a day without worrying about
finding a new one. Furthermore,
since they’re not biodegradable,
One of the 35 umbrella bag stands
every rodent seeking shelter in
your local landfill now has a new
located throughout Chambers.
home providing an unobstructed
Never before has man been able yet protective view to the outside
to manage the paradoxical situation world.
of a wet umbrella in a dry setting. So this is really about matching
But now, with the best use of our your needs with that of those in
tuition money that this school has your surroundings. Please, kind
seen in years, Davidson College’s citizens, use an Umbrella Bag®,
partnership with Umbrella Bags® and give back to your community.
Self-Help: How to Siphon Gas
1) Find an expensive car
with a large fuel tank
owned by someone you
dislike. Make sure no one
is around who is going to
get you in trouble.
2) Insert one end of a hose
into the tank. Loop the
hose as shown in the
figure to the right. Insert
the other end into your
gas cannister.
4) Lower the canister so
that it is below the fuel
tank. Observe physics in
action. Count the dollars
you are saving. Fill your
cannister.
6) Do not replace gas cap.
Do not run away. Think
about what a bad ass you
are, and also about what
a good thing you just did
for the environment.